How to Break Your Anger Habit | Sharon Salzberg

The case for love and compassion in a world that's filled with hatred and division. Sharon Salzberg https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/ is a meditation pioneer, world-renowned teacher, and New York Times bestselling author. She is among the first to bring mindfulness & lovingkindness meditation to mainstream American culture fifty years ago. She has written many books, including her latest, a kids book called Kind Karl https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/812905/kind-karl-by-sharon-salzberg-and-jason-gruhl-illustrated-by-sebastien-mourrain/. In this episode we talk about: How the quality of metta, or loving kindness, can be an antidote to fear The wisdom of having a loving mindset in the face present dangers Love Can love be a strength? The different flavors of "loving kindness" The four types of enemies, which include the outer enemy, the inner enemy, the secret enemy and the super secret enemy Join Dan's online community here http://www.danharris.com/ Follow Dan on social: Instagram https://bit.ly/3tGigG5, TikTok https://bit.ly/3FOA84J Subscribe to our YouTube Channel https://bit.ly/3FybRzD Additional Resources: Dan's son teaching Loving Kindness Meditation https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1H1jD5gR2d/ Metta Hour Podcast https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/metta-hour-podcast Donate to the Insight Meditation Society's Fundraiser https://ims3c.dharma.org/ Sharon's books https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/books Thanks to our sponsors: AT&T:   Happy Holidays from AT&T http://www.att.com/. Connecting changes everything. Airbnb: Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host http://airbnb.com/host. Northwest Registered Agent: Visit northwestregistered agent.com/paidhappier https://northwestregistered%20agent.com/paidhappier and start building something amazing. To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://advertising.libsyn.com/10HappierwithDanHarris

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:31Dan Harris?

  It's the 10% Happier Podcast. I'm Dan Harris.

• 0:46Dan Harris?

  Hey, hey, everybody. How we doing? When you are exhorted to "love your enemies," which is a common Buddhist refrain, you may hear it as an appeasement. Images of Neville Chamberlain might come to mind. You might be tempted to think that loving your enemies means hurling yourself at their feet or cosigning on their terrible ideas. But actually, it's nothing like that at all. Loving your enemies turns out to be the wisest and most strategic possible countermeasure. Not only psychologically, in that it can help reduce your anger and anxiety, but also, as I said, strategically, in that it can help you make better decisions. As you might imagine, this is a conversation I have to have all the time since I'm often out in the public square making the case for love and compassion

• 1:30Dan Harris?

  in a world that is filled with hatred and division. When I make this case, just to be super clear about this, I am absolutely not arguing that you should go soft or be a doormat. I'm arguing that you can take really firm and even stern action, but, and this is the key, that action does not have to be motivated by hatred or anger. Sure, some amount of anger can be clarifying or energizing. It gets you off the couch. But it can very quickly curdle into a kind of constricted state. There's a reason they call it blind rage. By contrast, there's some scientific evidence that a state of warmth or loving kindness actually increases your peripheral vision. So that's what I want for you in these difficult times, to be able to stand up for what you

• 2:13Dan Harris?

  believe in, but to do it from a place where you're drawing on the cleanest burning fuel, which is love, as cliched as that may sound. Which brings me to my guest today, who's one of the most effective proponents of this argument in the world. In fact, I learned everything I just said from her. Sharon Salzberg is a meditation pioneer, a world-renowned teacher, and a New York Times bestselling author. She's among the first Westerners to go to Asia and learn about mindfulness and loving kindness and Buddhism, and to bring it back to America and inject it into the cultural mainstream. She's written many books, including her latest book, which is a kid's book called Kind Carl. Today, though, we're going to really focus on one of her older books, which seems especially relevant right now.

• 2:58Dan Harris?

  And that book, which she co-authored with the renowned Buddhist scholar, Robert Thurman, is called Love Your Enemies. In this conversation, we talk about how the quality of metta, or loving kindness, can be an antidote to fear, the wisdom of having a loving mindset in the face of present dangers. We talk about what love actually is, whether it can be a strength, the different flavors of what the Buddhists call loving kindness. And then we dive into a discussion of the four types of enemies, which include the outer enemy, the inner enemy, the secret enemy, and the super-secret enemy. I found that super-secret part, actually, to be the most helpful. I'm not going to give it away now, just listen and you'll hear what I mean. Before we dive in, I just want to say something important, at least it's important to me.

• 3:42Dan Harris?

  Sharon is one of the co-founders of the legendary Insight Meditation Society, which is a Buddhist retreat center in Barry, Massachusetts, which will soon be celebrating its 50th anniversary. IMS is, as I said, very important to me. It's the place where I've done many, many retreats and deepened my practice. Actually, just got back from there yesterday. I was spending a few days with Joseph and Sharon, Joseph Goldstein, who shares a house with Sharon. Having said all that, the institution is now facing a real challenge. The demand for retreats has become incredibly high, which is really good. I'm glad more people are going on retreat, but it makes it harder to get into a retreat. If you've ever tried to get into a retreat at IMS, you know it's nearly impossible,

• 4:23Dan Harris?

  which is why they are now launching a fundraising campaign to build a third center on their current site, which will allow them to offer more retreats for more people. My family and I are supporting this effort with our own money. I would love to have you join us. If you want to do that, go to the link in the show notes. Two other quick things to say before we jump in here. For subscribers over at DanHarris.com, there is a loving kindness meditation that comes with today's episode. It's from our Teacher of the Month, Jeff Warren, which means that it's a wacky take on loving kindness, but also very wise. Also, subscribers get to come to our weekly live meditation and Q and A sessions every Tuesday at four. The next one is coming up on December 16th. It's going to look a little different. We're going to, we're going to be joined by some special guests with details on an exciting

• 5:08Dan Harris?

  new project that we are launching in the 10% happier world. I'm very excited for you to hear about this. We'll get started with Sharon Salzberg right after this. If you care about supporting independent media and if you care about being a node of sanity in an insane world, there are a few quick, easy and free ways that you can support me and my team, which I would be really grateful for. One way to do it is to sign up for my newsletter, which comes out on Monday mornings. It's a little dose of sanity in your inbox at the beginning of a busy week. The second way to do it is to follow and subscribe to the show wherever you're listening or watching right now. That really helps. Three, share your favorite episode with a friend.

• 5:51Dan Harris?

  This is a great and low stakes way to connect with somebody in your orbit, and not for nothing, it also helps us grow. And all of these things take about 30 seconds and they really do help. You will be supporting me. And my team and our mission and I, as I said, would be immensely grateful. You can find everything we do at danharris.com. It's all right there. Thank you. I mean that seriously. We'll be right back with more show. If you care about supporting independent media and if you care about being a node of sanity and an insane world, there are a few quick, easy and free ways that you can support me and my team, which I would be really grateful for. One way to do it is to sign up for my newsletter, which comes out on Monday mornings. It's a little dose of sanity in your inbox at the beginning of a busy week.

• 6:36Dan Harris?

  The second way to do it is to follow and subscribe to the show wherever you're listening or watching right now. That really helps. Three, share your favorite episode with a friend. This is a great and low stakes way to connect with somebody in your orbit. And not for nothing, it also helps us grow. And all of these things take about 30 seconds and they really do help. You will be supporting me and my team and our mission. And I, as I said, would be immensely grateful. You can find everything we do at danharris.com. It's all right there. Thank you. I mean that seriously. We'll be right back with more show. Sharon Salzberg, welcome back to the show.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Thank you. It's great to see you.

• 7:16Dan Harris?

  Always great to see you. All right, let me start with the question that I'm sure you're getting this question all the time. I'm hearing it from subscribers and from people at live events. Is it possible or even wise or safe to love your enemies?

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Well, you know, I co-wrote a book called Love Your Enemies with Bob Thurman. And the original subtitle was Love Your Enemies, It Will Drive Them Crazy. And I love that because I thought that was the right spirit rather than something preachy and you've got to like pretend you're not angry or whatever. But somehow in the publication process, that subtitle disappeared. So we're left with what it is. Yes, I think it is possible. Yes, I think it's wise. It's not what we necessarily think of as love, you know, because we can have a conventional understanding of appeasement and giving in and being submissive and always smiling or something like that.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  As I think you are really deep in the process yourself of exploring what does love actually mean and kind of be a strength. I also personally often come back to.

• 8:29Speaker 02

  The saying, which is that the Buddha first taught loving kindness meditation is the antidote to fear. So that puts it in a certain light, you know, when you're thinking about particular people or a relationship or something like that.

• 8:43Dan Harris?

  How exactly is love or loving kindness an antidote to fear?

• 8:49Speaker 02

  I think energetically, we can see that when we're afraid, we're kind of shrink back in, it's a very contracted state, we're withdrawn. And actually, in the Buddhist psychology, anger and fear are the same mind states, they're just two different forms, anger being the expressive, energized, outgoing form, fear being the frozen, imploding, held in kind of form of striking out against what's happening, wanting to declare it to be untrue. So what if we can not say, this is great, you know, I'm really happy this is happening, but this is the truth of the present moment? And then recognize, we have alternatives of how to deal with it. We may want to step back from a situation because it's not safe, we may want to be

• 9:34Speaker 02

  fierce, we may want to be gentle, you know, there's a lot of discernment in terms of the actual action, but our heart space doesn't have to be so embittered. And we see that, we can pay attention to our bodies, to our minds. What's the effect of being filled with huge fear or huge anger? Sometimes I say, for example, to people, why not bring it up? Like, bring it up right now, this time you were hugely angry at yourself and feel it. What's it like? What's happening in your body, in your mind? And also, when we're lost in those states, there's a huge amount of information that's also lost. It's like in that moment of being hugely angry at yourself, you don't think, well,

• 10:17Speaker 02

  you know, I did five great things the same morning, I said that stupid thing. It's like those five great things, they're gone. When we're overcome with fear, and I don't mean just being afraid, but being overcome by fear, any possibility of change, of malleability, of a bright light somewhere in the situation or an action we might effectively take, it's gone. We're just lost in that maelstrom. And so, the more we can establish loving kindness as an alternative to fear or anger in this case, the more we can see that it's like an energetic opposite, and it gives us options we would not have had.

• 10:57Dan Harris?

  Something I sometimes hear myself saying to people who approach me skeptically about the wisdom of having a loving mindset in the face of what appear to be clear and present dangers to our democracy, et cetera, et cetera, to our climate, et cetera, et cetera. Something I often say is you can do all the same stuff. You can take all the same actions, as long as you're not planning to like commit a terrorist act. You can hit the streets, you can write the strident tweets, you can do whatever you were planning to do without the rage.

• 11:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, I think that's one of the constraints we feel about the idea of loving kindness, which is that it's going to leave us really meek and sweet and malleable. And people often ask me, you know, a huge amount of time, isn't that the same as appeasement? Something like that. And it's really not. I think there's no mandate for how we're going to act. It's more like an inner state of freedom out of which we can choose the act that we feel is most appropriate and most skillful. You know, when I used to teach, the emphasis often was on those times when we more projected

• 12:15Speaker 02

  an enemy when there was not one. The image, of course, they use in India all the time, is that you see a piece of rope curled up on the ground and you mistake it for a snake. I sometimes tell the story about this time I was teaching loving kindness at a non-residential weekend in New York City and someone left on Saturday night, came back on Sunday morning. And she said, Sunday morning, she was on the train platform, I don't think it was a subway, I think it was a train, and some guy approached her and she thought, oh, no, he looks really weird. And he started asking her about the train schedule or something like that. And she was so nervous, she kind of randomly pointed to some woman and said, oh, I don't know anything about the train schedule, go ask her.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  And the guy said, I can't ask her, she looks really weird. And I thought, how are we walking around in life? And that can also be true, of course. These days, there's so much more emphasis on what if you see a snake on the ground? And you think it's just a piece of rope curled up? There are people perhaps actively trying to cause harm to you or people you care about or people you identify with. And the question really becomes is hating them and feeling like kind of othering them actually going to serve your actions? Is it going to serve you and sort of the wholeness of your being?

• 13:38Speaker 02

  Or is there a way to take strong action and protect yourself, protect others? Maybe try to do whatever you can do to change a system in some way that is not going to be so kind of randomly destructive or, you know, so much like about striking out, which may be a lot less effective, actually.

• 14:00Dan Harris?

  There's so much in what you just said that one thing that's coming to mind, and you addressed it, but I just want to hang a lantern on it is there was a book, I think, called The Gift of Fear. There is something very adaptive and healthy about a certain amount of fear, but it gets really tricky really quickly because too much fear just is paralytic and reduces your decision-making powers and your clarity. And also, you know, fear, while it can be protective, is shot through often with biases. We're afraid of people just because of the way they're presented in the media as opposed to, I mean, you know, you can see this with different racial and ethnic groups. And so this is tricky terrain.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  It's very tricky terrain and you could call it wise fear, I guess, which is like alertness and recognition that that I think is actually a snake. It's not really just a piece of rope on the ground. I think you've heard me tell the story, but that actually happened to me once in Burma, walking about to walk down a set of stairs at dusk. And there was like a little green thread on the stairs and all these Burmese women were like shooing me away and making me clamber down this embankment, which I did. Then I looked back and then I realized, oh, that was a snake. Which I thought was just a piece of rope. So we need alertness and awareness and there are things that are of grave concern, you know, and we feel anxiety, we feel fear.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  But that is different than what I think is a free-floating fear that is more chronic. And, you know, my friend Sylvia Boorstein, my colleague, who calls herself a recovering catastrophizer. Our personal mantra these days, which I really love, is not every bus ends up in a ditch. So when she finds herself in the beginning of that kind of arc of anxiety, she just reminds herself, it's just perspective-taking. Doesn't mean no bus ends up in a ditch, but it's like, not every bus is gonna end up in a ditch. You don't have to be off and running with every situation that might be potential.

• 16:04Dan Harris?

  In your first answer, you raised two questions that I wrote down. You raised them rhetorically, but I'm gonna ask them. You said, "What does love mean? And can it be a strength?"

• 16:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:16Dan Harris?

  So definitionally, I mean, it might be smart to start with, like, what is love? Is loving-kindness different? And how can either or both of these be a strength?

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Well, the classical translation for the word metta, M-E-T-T-A, from the Pali language, language of the original Buddhist texts, is loving-kindness. And I've had translators and scholars say to me, "Just say love, stop being so cutesy. You know, you mean love, but love is also a complicated term. You know, what does love mean? Is it a medium of exchange? Is it conditional? Is it for the given gift?" I tend to think of both loving-kindness and love, in this sense, as a profound sense of connection. It's not necessarily even emotional. It's like a bone-deep recognition that our lives have something to do with one another.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  And as much as there is a useful construct of self and other, and us and them, these are just constructs. There's another level of reality where our lives are intertwined, where we're part of a kind of network. It doesn't mean you like everybody. It actually doesn't mean you like anybody, but there is that knowing, that really deep knowing, our lives have something to do with one another. So another antidote to anger or fear is interest. From the classical teachings, and you know, when you take an interest in someone rather than just wanting to shun them, or reject them, or push them away, it's a very different relationship. And so, I think of it like that.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  I don't think of it as something gooey, or sentimental, or appreciative. It's like, you may not appreciate that person or people at all, in a sense of, may you be triumphant. You know, it's not like that. But we know our lives are really connected. And based on that, when we take action, even if it's fierce, kind of intense action, it's not from such a heartfelt place of divisiveness. And I think that's the strength. It's a radical notion, but it doesn't leave us sort of simpering, which is what everyone might tend to think.

• 18:20Dan Harris?

  So, tell me if you think I'm speaking about this and teaching about it correctly. As you know, I, or one of our friends, does a weekly live guided meditation and Q and A session through danharris.com. I'm hoping to rope you into these. Last week, I was doing one by myself, and I was doing loving kindness, the traditional meditation practice where you start with, well, sometimes you start with yourself, sometimes you start with an easy person, and then you move through a mentor, neutral person, a difficult person, and then everybody. And then the difficult person, I gave everybody the option of a political figure they don't like. So, for, I think, the vast majority of people in our set, it would be Trump, although I

• 19:05Dan Harris?

  hope that we can attract some listeners on both or all sides of the spectrum. Anyway, somebody wrote in the comments, "Yeah, like, it's cute, Harris, that you think Trump could ever be happy, when you, you know, wish that he be happy." And my point is, and this is picking up on you talking about interest and interconnection, this is about me and my mind, not Trump. And my wish for him to be happy is not for him to succeed in his plans with which I disagree. It's, I think a happy person wouldn't be doing a lot of the shit that I find objectionable. And yeah, it's totally theoretical, but it's really, don't get caught up in, in the... Trump's dad would never loved him and therefore he can never be happy or he's somehow

• 19:48Dan Harris?

  broken. That's not the point. I'm envisioning him as holistically happy, which is enlightened self-interest. Because we're all interconnected, it would be good for all of us if he was a happy person, because happy people tend not to be assholes. So that's my shtick. Am I, am I, you're nodding your head. Am I right or wrong?

• 20:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think you're totally right. I was also thinking of when

• 20:10Dan Harris?

  Okay.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  that book came out, Love Your Enemies. And I was presenting somewhere with Bob Thurman and someone asked a question about their boss and it's similar kind of question. And Bob said, you know, well, if they were happier, they'd be a lot less of an asshole. So

• 20:25Dan Harris?

  Yeah.

• 20:26Speaker 02

  that's kind of it. There's also, you know, there's different flavors to loving kindness. And one flavor is compassion, which is not like pity or commiseration. It's recognizing that when we ourselves act in a way that's reckless, it's harmful, it's hateful even, it's coming from a place of pain. So more than likely, as people act, in our view, in a way that's very harmful, we can have almost a sense of compassion. Like sometimes I think, can you imagine devoting your life to putting other people down and only feeling good about yourself when you feel like you're number one, or endless accumulation, thinking that's going to keep you safe, like from change, from death, or, you know, it's a

• 21:11Speaker 02

  dog-eat-dog world, so don't help anybody else, and how lonely you end up in that perspective. And I think that could be a lifetime journey for people, you know, and I wouldn't want that life. I wouldn't want to be inside that mindset. And so there can be a kind of compassion without saying, yeah, go for it, you know, it's a very different state. And so sometimes loving kindness has that flavor. And the other thing I thought of was in the Tibetan tradition, when they use phrases of loving kindness, it's often things like, may you have happiness and the causes of happiness.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  May be free of suffering and the causes of suffering. So that would be a way of kind of incorporating a wisdom element to it. It's like, I'm not really wishing for you to be even more self-satisfied at whatever you're doing. I'm wishing for you to really discover the causes of happiness, the causes of suffering.

• 22:08Dan Harris?

  Let's say a word or two about the second question in the pair of provocative questions that you posed right in your first answer. We talked a little bit about what does love mean? And then the second question was, can it be a strength? Couple of things coming to mind as I ponder that. One is you, in this conversation, said, you know, this isn't appeasement, that this isn't Neville Chamberlain. It's about freedom. It's about optionality. And it kind of reminded me of something I once heard the Dalai Lama say when I was listening to him speak. The mind in altruistic mode, AKA loving mode, you can access the full brilliance of the human brain and mind because it's not constricted.

• 22:51Dan Harris?

  So can you just pick up on those sentiments and hold forth?

• 22:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I think, look at how fear constricts us. You know, the choices we make, the decisions, the way we hold back, the way we castigate ourselves. Like, I will never be able to, in my case, give a public talk. I will never be able to do that because I was so afraid. And we can also feel our way into, and this is where interest also comes in, our mindfulness. What's that feel like to be locked into that state? Not to be having that state, but to be locked into that state and really paint a word picture of it or a picture of it and get to know it. And then imagine a state where we are feeling a sense of connection toward another, not demanding

• 23:38Speaker 02

  we act in a certain way or react in a certain way, but that our options of action are based on discernment and trying to figure out what's most skillful in this particular moment, not on like an old habit of holding back and feeling, I could never do it and this is all doomed or whatever it might be. And you see that there's just a range of possibility. The other way people get constricted is when they make assumptions about loving kindness. Like, if I were to come from a loving place, I could only say yes. I could only let them move back in. I could only lend them more money. And I have a friend who I was working a lot with the Dalai Lama in the early, early days when he was first

• 24:20Speaker 02

  coming to the States and there wasn't such formal security and things like that. So, you know, some people were getting very close to him. And she described her mother as someone who had big mental health challenges and she was afraid of being in her mother's presence. And she hadn't seen her in quite some time. And then she heard from her mother that she wanted to see her. So she was in that sort of mental projection state, like I'm spending all this time with the Dalai Lama and I should be able to go see her. And where's the altruism? Where's the compassion? So she went to the Dalai Lama and she described the situation. And he, you know, was silent for a moment. And then he said, I think

• 25:03Speaker 02

  you should send your mother an enormous amount of loving kindness from a distance. It's not safe to be with her. And I thought about that. And it was so different than what any of us might assume. Like, of course, he's the Dalai Lama. He's going to say, go forth, you know, and go spend time with her and loving kindness will protect you or whatever. But he didn't say that.

• 25:25Dan Harris?

  Yeah. So my understanding of love, properly understood, is not catastrophic altruism or self-sacrifice. And so loving your enemy doesn't mean you're, as you've said before, you know, hurling yourself at their feet. It can include setting boundaries and taking affirmative action. It's just that you don't need to do any of that, as I said earlier, with a heart of venom.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely. And I think it was Prentice Hemphill who said, "Boundaries are the way I can love myself and someone else at the same time." Because that figures too, you know?

• 26:02Dan Harris?

  Yes. Yes. Just a question about, another thing you said earlier, about one of the antidotes to fear slash hatred is interest. On a very practical note, one of the ways that works in my life, as it pertains to this extremely volatile, polarized moment in the history of the nation and the world, is I really try to listen and read articles by people with whom I disagree. And not like I was listening to a conservative podcast this morning and they were referring to hate listening to NPR. And that's exactly wrong, in my opinion. That's what is sometimes called predatory listening, where you're just listening to

• 26:44Dan Harris?

  Critique or disagree, I mean, actually genuinely being interested in people's points of view. And oddly, I find it soothing because, you know, often I just flat out disagree, or I'm too exhausted to even listen to them. But sometimes I realize, hey, maybe something that I'm worried about is a little bit of hysteria on my side. And also, it's nice to know that people with whom I disagree, like, I think most of them don't wake up in the morning thinking they're the Joker, they're a bad guy, trying to burn it all down. Some of them might. We all have our reasons for believing what we believe, even if it's stupid.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  I think that could be very interesting. I think it also depends on a level of discernment, even in listening to people with whom you disagree, because it also depends on your own kind of vulnerabilities. It's like, I feel like I personally have a lot of distress at situations where gaslighting is taking place, where I feel this deception, where there's, I mean, there were so many secrets in my childhood that when I feel someone's lying to me or withholding the truth, it's not a good situation for me. You know, it's not a place of balance or interest. It's just like, very reactive. And so I know that

• 27:58Speaker 02

  about myself. And I would have to carefully choose. I mean, I don't want flagrant partisanship on any side, you know, because there's no information. There are many times when I don't listen to a commentator at all. I think I'm going to go back to YouTube and listen to the original speech, or read the original document, or something like that, and decide for myself. So I think it's also good to know your own vulnerabilities and to have a sense of boundaries about that.

• 28:31Dan Harris?

  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think your point is that, yeah, Harris, interest can be a positive force for some people in this polarized environment, but for some of us, we need to protect our own nervous systems. You didn't say anything that made me personally concerned, but for some people, I worry that that is a recipe for wrapping themselves in the warm blanket of their own prejudices, and only listening to people who confirm their priors and throw them red meat. And I see that happening on all sides.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I think that's true, which is why I think having a sense of determination to find out for yourself, not through a filter.

• 29:13Dan Harris?

  Yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 02

  As much as possible, like go back to the original speech or document or something like that and without someone else telling you what you should be feeling about it.

• 29:23Dan Harris?

  Yes.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  You know, and try to understand as much as possible. I remember a million years ago when the cover of Time Magazine, you know, like Person of the Year was basically YouTube. It was you through YouTube. And I thought, what's that about? And then I started realizing, I use that, you know, like when there's some political statement and I don't quite know what I feel about it, I go back to YouTube to watch the speech myself and then make a decision and as best I can, or I try to get information, like what was the historical implication of approaching this issue that way or that way? And because there is history there as well. And so I wouldn't want to be beholden to anybody really contouring

• 30:09Speaker 02

  the so-called truth for me.

• 30:13Dan Harris?

  Coming up, Sharon Salzberg talks about the four different types of enemies. And we expand and dial in on various Buddhist teachings and concepts like the meaning of mindfulness, the parable of the second arrow, and the how to of a Tibetan compassion practice called Tonglen.

• 30:33Speaker 03

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• 31:02Speaker 04

  How do I recover from a friendship breakup? How come there's nowhere to hang out anymore? Why do I feel lonely when I can communicate with anyone and everyone through my phone? These are the questions that you're not alone in asking. And that's where our new podcast, Cornerpiece, comes in to start small on life's biggest questions. I'm Taha, and with my friends Sabrina and Melissa, we're going to explore life's ungooglable questions on this new podcast with TED. Come hang out with us on Cornerpiece, with new episodes every other Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.

• 31:38Dan Harris?

  We've been talking for quite a while and we have not yet gotten into the guts of this book you wrote with Bob Thurman a while back. With your permission, I'd like to go there. In the book, Love Your Enemies, you talk about four kinds of enemies: outer, inner, secret, and super-secret. Can you walk us through this taxonomy?

• 32:01Speaker 02

  Sure, that's a Tibetan formulation. Bob is a well-known Tibetan Buddhist scholar. The outer enemy is those people, or situations, or systems that we feel are trying to harm us. And here we have the dynamic I was talking about before, harm someone we care about, or peoples we care about. So, we have the dynamic I was talking about before. Sometimes it's just projection, and we can be much freer. Sometimes it's not. And we're in a really difficult, or even dangerous, situation at certain times. And we have to examine, again, whether hatred and fear are the most effective motivational bases out of which

• 32:41Speaker 02

  to act, or are there ways we can find tremendous strength out of a sense of wisdom and connection? And then, inner enemies are those states like anger and fear, hatred, jealousy. And it's important to understand that it's not just feeling those states, even feeling them intensely. It's when we're all wrapped up, when we're consumed, when we're defined by something. So, it is determining our action, or our withholding of action, which is its own kind of action. Because that functions to hold us back, to limit us, to confine us, to burden us. In the Buddhist psychology, when the Buddha talked about anger, and not,

• 33:24Speaker 02

  again, not feeling anger, even intense anger, but being overwhelmed by it, he likened to a forest fire which burns up its own support. And that means us, it burns up our body, our nervous system, our relationships. It destroys lives. And like a forest fire, it also may leave us very far from where we want to be. And so, we can, in a way, harness the energy of it. The positive part of it is the energy, that we're not passive, we're not complacent. But without the kind of being consumed by it and overwhelmed by it, that's really the goal. If we are consumed by it, it's functioning as an enemy.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  And the secret enemy was kind of the construct of a separate self that is independent, disconnected, empowered to rule in a way over life, which is really our kind of belief, you know, that there's a being in there that should be in control of absolutely everything, but seems to be in control of not much, you know, of anything. And, you know, that sense of, it's not that countering that, we all kind of morph together into some sort of soup. We have individual existence, that's true, but it's interconnected rather than so separate

• 34:41Speaker 02

  and apart. So when we feel that kind of chasm of aloneness, obviously it's very detrimental to our well-being. The fourth, the super-secret enemy, Bob defined as a kind of self-loathing. It's a feeling like we don't have any capacity to grow, to change, to love, to understand that we're stuck in whatever we're experiencing. And so those were the four enemies, as he laid them out.

• 35:12Dan Harris?

  So the super-secret is kind of predicated upon the secret. So if the secret enemy is this sense, there's some homunculus of Dan, separate from the world, which cuts me off, then the super-secret, which is the self-loathing, it requires a sense of some fixed, separate self in order to operate. Am I right about that?

• 35:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, and it's also, it requires almost a sense of permanence and irredeemability. One of my favorite Dalai Lama stories is from the time he came to visit us at IMS, at the Insight Meditation Society, which was 1979. We heard, Bob Thurman at that time was a professor at Amherst College, which is about 45 minutes away, and we heard he was coming. It was his first trip to the United States in 1979. He was coming to visit Bob and teach for him. So we shot off a letter to the private office, being very young and naive, saying, maybe he'd like to visit us too. And sure enough, we got a letter back saying, yeah, he'll come. So he came in 1979, and there are many, many stories about that day.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  But we had a retreat that was ongoing. So people had been sitting in retreat for about two weeks or something like that. And the Dalai Lama asked to go into the meditation hall and give a talk and then took questions. So this young man raised his hand. And he said, I've been meditating for about two weeks and I've decided I just can't do it. I have no capacity to understand anything. I can't change. I can't grow. I'm just sunk, something like that. And the Dalai Lama, remember, this is his first trip to the United States. He looked really kind of puzzled, like, huh? And then he said, you're wrong. You're just wrong. And then he went on to talk about, as they would formulate, Buddha nature.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  And we all have a capacity, a potential for all those things, understanding growth, change, love. And it's funny, because after the talk, after the presentation, all these people came up to me complaining about what the Dalai Lama had said. They said, that's bad pedagogy. You should never tell anybody that they're wrong. It's just bad. But you know, who really got a lot out of it was the young man, who totally changed after that, you know? So that was interesting, too. So it's that sense of, well, I guess these days we'd say the difference between a fixed mind state and a growth mind state.

• 37:37Dan Harris?

  Yes, yes.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  You know, I'm lost. There's no hope.

• 37:40Dan Harris?

  Okay, so the book then goes on to give some practical things we can do about each of these four kinds of enemies. So if you're up for it, I'd like to walk through those. So again, the first enemy is the outer enemy, this projection of danger where sometimes it exists and sometimes it may not exist. The practice, I believe you recommend, is something called critical wisdom?

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. Critical wisdom is kind of fierce, you know? It's a little bit like what we were talking about before. It's understanding the difference between our motivation and our action. Like, our action needs to be our best guess of what's most skillful in the moment. Maybe it's saying no. Maybe it's leaving the scene. Maybe it's being gentle. Maybe it's not being so gentle. We need discernment. And of course, we make mistakes. But it's our best guess of what's most skillful in that moment. It's also been interesting to me that these teachings are contextual.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  Depends on the relationship, it depends on the moment, depends on the situation. There's sometimes not a universal truth. Like, people say, should I always give money to someone on the street? And that may be situational, you know, depending on what we assess in the moment. But knowing the difference between that and our inner state, that which is motivating us, is really crucial because we discover we can be coming from a motive that's more aligned with wisdom, with compassion, with connection, and still take really strong action.

• 39:22Dan Harris?

  Yes. One thing that's been really clarifying for me, and I learned this from you, is this concept of bodhicitta, which is just to be motivated to benefit all beings everywhere, right? Just kind of omnidirectional good vibes. You're crucially not left out of it. All beings includes you. If you can cultivate that, and look, plenty of days when I don't have it, or plenty of moments when it just lapses and I do something stupid. But if I can cultivate that as a source of energy, a clean burning fuel, well, then the critical wisdom comes in of, all right, let me make the best guess about the wisest thing I can do with this as my motivation.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's great.

• 40:08Dan Harris?

  Okay.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  There's a certain, and this holds for the next enemy as well, in Tibetan Buddhism, they call it, it's just like a gentle turning toward oneself to see, how does this make me feel? You know, like you're about to erupt at somebody. How does that make you feel? Or, we know we have a flexibility because we see in different roles, we adapt. Like, if you're supervising someone at work and your motivation genuinely is to mentor them, not to just put them down so you feel better about yourself. What's your best guess of the way to address this problem? Or this issue? And it will be different.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  Because you you may be really annoyed and you may be about to lash out. And then you touch back in with that motivation. And you think, well, what good will come from that? Maybe I'll try saying it this way. Or all those times, you know, in the great annals of right speech, you know, you're talking to somebody about somebody else. And you're about to say something really nasty. True, but nasty. And then just asking, you know, you just turn a little bit toward yourself and your motivation. And you just ask yourself, well, what would be the result of telling this person? What good will come from this person knowing this about this other person? And turning them against them? Is that going to do anybody any good?

• 41:38Speaker 02

  Or am I just going to feel kind of puffed up in the moment like, I know something you don't know? So we have so much choice and that's very empowering.

• 41:46Dan Harris?

  Yes. And it's a lot of responsibility. You know, there's a formula, but there's a lot of agency within the formula. We've gone through the four kinds of enemies and now we're going to talk about what we can do about them. We started with outer, which is, you know, our correct or incorrect diagnosis of threats in the environment. Inner is sort of our inner capacity for rage, jealousy, hatred. And I believe the practice that you recommend for the inner enemy is patience?

• 42:21Speaker 02

  I think that patience is born out of mindfulness, which is an ability to know what we're feeling and to feel it. But without being consumed by it.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Which is tricky, you know, of course, because we tend to think, well. I've got to get over this, or I've got to vanquish this, or I'm bad because I still feel this, and I'm hateful because I have hate, you know, whatever. But to recognize over and over again that mindfulness doesn't mean not feeling certain things, it means having a different relationship to what we're feeling. You can almost talk about mindfulness as a balanced awareness. We're not consumed by something, we're not overwhelmed and drenched in something, and at the same time, we're not pushing it away, we're not rejecting it, we're not trying to make it go away. It's like, here we are, together, this anger in me.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  And then as we experience it, a lot of interest arises there, too. Like, anger is not just one thing, or jealousy, or fear. It's a compound of all these different strands coming together. You know, we're looking at, say, anger, and you see moments of sadness, and moments of fear, maybe moments of grief, moments of regret, and you just kind of watch these come together and come apart, if we can watch it. And we can have a kind of forgiveness of ourselves, you know, whatever we're feeling, like, we couldn't control it, you couldn't insist, "I'm never going to be afraid again." It doesn't work that way, life is not that way.

• 43:57Speaker 02

  We can understand causes and conditions, and understand, well, if I don't sleep at night, then I'm much more prone to losing my temper, or being overcome by fear, and so you try to sleep at night. It doesn't mean we're passive, but that idea of absolute control, I'm insisting, "I will never get angry again, I'll never get afraid again." Life's not like that, and so we can forgive ourselves for what we're feeling and develop a different relationship with all those feelings, and the beautiful ones, too, because that's part of it we don't often talk about, you know, that clearly we're very pain-phobic, you know, and it's very difficult for us to open to painful feelings. But sometimes it's really difficult to open to beautiful and wonderful feelings as well.

• 44:41Speaker 02

  And so it's a kind of universal task to practice presence and openness with whatever's happening. And if we can do that more and more, we discover a kind of patience in life and tolerance that wasn't there before.

• 44:58Dan Harris?

  As you're speaking, I was thinking a little bit about the second arrow.

• 45:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:01Dan Harris?

  Does that seem relevant to you? And if so, you want to explain it?

• 45:04Speaker 02

  It's another image that is very useful sometimes in the Buddhist teaching where somebody gets shot by an arrow. And of course, that hurts. I think that genuinely hurts. But then in an attempt to uproot the arrow, they kind of take another arrow and they try to get out and they hurt themselves a lot more. So the second arrow is not

• 45:28Speaker 02

  what happens. It's not what arises. It's how we are relating to what arises, which sometimes hurts a lot more in the end through the kind of coalescing of all these different reactions, you know, and the seeming solidification of the pain. And it's actually a lot worse than even the original injury. And so here too, we're very empowered because you can't stop those first arrows from flying, you know, that is life sometimes. But how we react and the strength, the agency to be creative and not just fall into those old ruts of reactivity and to test out options, to see where our power lies, to see where our happiness actually lies, is something that is in our hands.

• 46:15Dan Harris?

  An experience I've had many times, and I think it's quite common, if not universal, is I'll have an experience like recently, the last couple of years, as I've discussed publicly before, I've had a lot of panic in closed quarters, like elevators and airplanes. And I'll panic a little bit on a plane, or a lot on a plane, and that sucks. That's an arrow. And then I'll have the second arrow of, well, I'm supposed to be Mr. Fucking Happiness. How can this be happening to me? Now I've got, I'm taking a Klonopin. That's even more embarrassing. That's the second arrow. And I think all day long, we have a mean thought, a bigoted thought, an angry thought. And then we tell ourselves a whole story about what kind of person we are

• 46:56Dan Harris?

  as a result, instead of just being mindful of a condition arising in the mind.

• 47:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. And it's not just you. It's never just you. But it feels like it's just you when, when we're caught in that maelstrom of the second arrow. And it does, it hurts so much worse, you know, than just give yourself a break. These things arise. One of my early meditation teachers named Anindra said something to me like, "Why are you so upset about this thought that has come up in your mind? Did you invite it? Did you say at 3:15, "I'd like to be filled with self-hatred, please"? No, but when conditions come together for something to arise, it will arise. Can't we affect those conditions? We certainly try, but we cannot utterly control them. We cannot. And so you can wake up in the morning and say, "I've decided not to have any panic today, but good luck."

• 47:45Speaker 02

  As the saying goes, hopefully that would be true. Maybe it's not true, but it's okay. And it's never, ever just you. And that's part of what's so beautiful, for example, about you're talking about these things, you know, or disclosing them, is that a lot of people hearing you breathing a sigh of relief, you know, and saying, "Oh, thank goodness," you know? It's like someone's admitting it. It's not just me.

• 48:10Dan Harris?

  I love that I've set up a life where for me to do my job well, I have to continue to be a moron.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  That's right. It was like Ram Dass was sort of like that, too. It's like his neuroses were like the most relieving thing in the world. Like, "Oh, thank God," you know?

• 48:25Dan Harris?

  Yes, Ram Dass, just for the uninitiated, is, I think of him as like the proto-Jubu. He was actually more of a Hindu, but Harvard psychology professor got fired for doing experiments with psychedelics, then went off to India and changed his name from Richard Alpert to Ram Dass and became a quite influential author and teacher, and including for people like you. And he was very open about his neuroses. I think he said, he called himself a connoisseur of his neuroses. Okay, so the third kind of enemy is secret, and that is this suspicion that many of us harbor often subconsciously, which can make it even more dangerous, that we are some fixed, irreducible,

• 49:10Dan Harris?

  unchangeable self, fretfully navigating a hostile universe. And the antidote to that is a practice that you call exchange of self and other.

• 49:23Speaker 02

  And the Tibetan practice, that's tonglin, it's exchange of self and other. And the basis of that is a real understanding of interconnection. Because that aloneness, that incredible sense of corrosive isolation is the problem with that enemy. And this is just wisdom, you know? Like, I love just these reflections about interconnection. It doesn't mean that we morph into this soup, you know, with undifferentiated bodies and minds. It's understanding that even though we are individuals, we do not actually live an existence that is independent of one another. So like, my favorite question going into a workplace

• 50:06Speaker 02

  or an organization to teach is, how many other people need to be doing their job well for you to do your job well? Because really, the unacknowledged people who are really central to our success exist. And sometimes that doesn't resonate. So I say, well, did you commute to work? Do you ever think about the auto mechanic or the train engineer? Or do you stay home and work from home? Is it a technology company that you are kind of relying on? Sometimes that doesn't resonate. So then I say, did you eat today? You know? And if you didn't grow all of your own food, just spend a moment thinking about the many lives that are involved in that plate of broccoli being in front of you right now.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  You know, someone planted a seed, some soil, and someone harvested a crop, and someone transported it. And we live in an interdependent universe. And that isn't always a pleasant understanding. You know, for years, I was saying, I'm really interested in the fact that we live in a time where that isn't necessarily spiritual understanding. Like, economics shows us this. And environmental consciousness certainly shows us this. And I used to say, epidemiology shows us this. And people would say, why are you talking about epidemiology? What is that? You know, and look where we are, right? What happens over there doesn't nicely stay over there. It ripples out, it affects us over here and what we do, where we put our energy, what we care about, it matters because it too will ripple out.

• 51:36Speaker 02

  The more we understand, again, it's like a gut level understanding, interconnection, the more we relate to one another differently, to issues, to problems differently, to the need for a collective sense of understanding, we relate very differently.

• 51:53Dan Harris?

  Yeah, so when I wish for Trump to be happy, I wish for him to understand this.

• 51:58Speaker 02

  Exactly, me too.

• 52:00Dan Harris?

  So Tonglen, the exchange of self and other, can you just describe how that is done practically? So listeners can do it themselves if they want?

• 52:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, it's a practice that some people find very daunting, but you basically, in Tonglen, you breathe in the suffering, the situation, the difficulty, the grievance, whatever it is of someone else, or someone, you know, many beings, you breathe it in, you transform it within to this kind of spaciousness and openness where anything could be possible. And then you breathe out light and love and the good things of life. And it's a practice that's very powerful and kind of universalizing one's own real

• 52:53Speaker 02

  pain about something. Like I had a friend whose brother was in the hospital and her Tibetan teacher counseled her to do this practice, like not just to care about her brother, but like maybe everybody in the hospital and maybe everybody, we're so vulnerable, life's so fragile. And it's scary for a lot of people because you think, I'm breathing in a lot of schmutz, you know? And the key is that sort of moment when you kind of almost dissolve all of that into this sense of possibility and openness, and then you breathe out the good stuff.

• 53:27Dan Harris?

  Are there pitfalls or potential misunderstandings or misapplications of this? Like in the breathing in of the schmutz and then in the transformation? Can there be a kind of oversimplification, disnification right there?

• 53:42Speaker 02

  There are always pitfalls. I mean, in any practice, you know, of course, people often, they forget that inner step and it's not so easy to understand. You think you're breathing in like all this garbage and it doesn't feel very good and it's gonna make you sick and things like that. But that doesn't actually happen and it certainly doesn't happen when we understand that dissolution into, you could say, spaciousness or possibility, which is the source of then having resource to breathe out. I mean, a lot of times in these practices, like say you're doing loving kindness, which, you know, is not precisely this, but is sort of related.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  You feel like you've got to manufacture all that love, you know, and send it out. And it's up to you. And this is the kind of practice that dispels that because you're almost touching the source out of which this can come through you, rather than it being something you're manufacturing.

• 54:42Dan Harris?

  I'm still not entirely clear. So where my mind is going is, so Tonglen is a Tibetan practice. Loving kindness is a Theravada and sort of old school Buddhism, Tibetan Buddhism being a later school. In Theravada practice, there's loving kindness and then there's a cousin or sister practice called karuna or compassion meditation, which seems close to Tonglen, actually, which is you envision somebody who's having a hard time and you send them the wish that they be free from suffering or pain or fear or whatever it is, all of them. That I understand because at least I've done enough of that practice to know that it isn't all on me. It's just the wish.

• 55:27Dan Harris?

  I don't have to feel any kind of way. That's liberating insight, actually, for that practice. You don't have to feel any kind of way. You're just doing the reps, just like with the bicep curl. You don't have to feel powerful, just do the thing. But Tonglen feels different, first of all, because it's matched to the rhythm of the breath, so it's got a more rhythmic quality to it. But then there's this step of this transformation that isn't quite as simple as, you know, I'm just breathing out the wish that you be free from suffering. It's something else. And that something else is where I get a little confused.

• 56:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, it is very subtle, and it's often left out, I would imagine, in using that practice. But that is actually the core of the traditional practice. We might say dissolving in an emptiness, but that's almost like saying the suffering that you're breathing in is not so solid, so unyielding, so permanent, so inflexible, that within it, there's also spaciousness. And it is not an easy teaching, you know? And so, there is a transformative process in that breathing in. You're not just sort of, it's not like an exchange plan, like, I've got this much suffering, I'm sending you this much light, you know? But you're

• 56:43Speaker 02

  seeing more into the nature of the suffering, and you're seeing the porousness within the suffering. And in that moment, which I think you have to do pretty quickly, in that porousness, you find the light, so to speak.

• 57:04Dan Harris?

  Yeah, I'm probably over-intellectualizing it, but here, I'll just keep going in that potentially not so fruitful direction. But what I hear, based on my limited understanding of the Dharma as I'm listening to you talk, is, okay, a core insight of Buddhism is that everything's changing all the time. And everything is changing based on this vast gumbo of causes and conditions. And so, the suffering that I might be considering in this practice of Tonglen, or exchange of self and other, whatever suffering is relevant to the situation, is conditional, and therefore porous. And so, just kind of filtering whatever suffering I am addressing through that understanding.

• 57:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's great. Good for you. That's a great explanation. I would also say that my-

• 57:52Speaker 02

  Uncertainty. I mean, I don't teach Tonglen in practice. I've done just a little bit of it as a practice. My uncertainty about teaching is that I think that whole layer of loving kindness for yourself is kind of assumed.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  And I wouldn't want to make that assumption about a lot of people, including myself. You know, that that's there at the ready. That's going to be the basis of our being able to do this transformative process or find the sense of resource to breathe out all this good stuff. I don't think it's missing. I think it's just assumed. And I would personally rather do a practice where it's explicit, you know, rather than implicit.

• 58:38Dan Harris?

  Right, so without the explicit warmth toward yourself, Tonglen might actually veer into a sort of what I was calling before, like a catastrophic self-sacrificing altruism.

• 58:53Speaker 02

  Yes, I never heard that phrase before. I like that phrase.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  Catastrophic altruism.

• 59:00Speaker 02

  What does John Halifax call it? Like toxic altruism or something? These are great distinctions that we really need to be making.

• 59:13Dan Harris?

  Coming up, Sharon talks about the final enemy on the list, the one that was most helpful to me. And we talk briefly about her new kids' book, Kind Carl, which would make a great Christmas present or holiday gift, whatever you celebrate.

• 59:32Speaker 05

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• 1:00:04Dan Harris?

  Okay, let me get to the fourth, the super secret enemy and its antidote. Again, the super secret enemy is predicated upon the secret enemy. Secret enemy is a sense that you're somehow separate from the living universe. The super secret is based on that separation, that fixedness. That's not a word, but that sense of being fixed, stuck, separate. You can tell yourself a whole story about how you are irredeivable, unchangeable. And so the antidote to that is what's called the yoga of self-creation.

• 1:00:41Speaker 02

  That too would be a Tibetan slant on things. You know, where they may do a visualization of a deity, but you become the deity. In a way, it's like a reflection of when I wrote this other book called Real Love. And I said it was based on one line in a movie. The movie being Dan in Real Life, written and directed by Peter Hedges. And Peter had a character say, "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability." And as soon as I heard that, I just loved it. I thought it reflected so much of my experience during loving kindness meditation that, and of course, it is also a feeling and it may be the feeling we yearn for. But if we think of love only as a feeling, we tend to think of it as a commodity.

• 1:01:26Speaker 02

  And it's in the hands of someone else to either bestow upon us or take away from us. And I often would get that image of like the UPS person standing at my doorstep with this package of love and looking down at the address and saying, "No, I think I'll go somewhere else." And I go, "Wait a minute, then there's no love in my life." But if it's an ability, it's within me. And it may be that other people ignite it or inspire it or threaten it, but ultimately it is mine. That's the sense that we have ability, we have capacity, no matter what we've been through, no matter what we may yet go through, no matter what we've done, we all have this capacity. It's not because I did something special, you know, we all have it. It cannot

• 1:02:09Speaker 02

  be destroyed. It may be covered over, it may be hard to see, it may be hard to trust, but it is absolutely there. It's on that basis that we practice, that we cultivate different strengths because we can. And that's a very different worldview than feeling, I'm lost, I'm a loser, you know, it's like, it's not going to go anywhere. And you can really see how that functions as an enemy. And so, everything we do that helps us have a sense of potential, not fully realized growth, but potential, is really useful. I can remember doing loving kindness meditation and feeling so much love and thinking, is

• 1:02:54Speaker 02

  that me? Am I really capable? And I realized, yeah, I'm the one feeling it. So, it's an ability within us. When I wrote the book, I was quite late turning in the manuscript, and the editor said to me, you didn't finish the book. You have to finish the book. And I said, of course, I finished the book. That's why I turned it in. He said, no, you didn't finish the book. You just told some story and drifted off somewhere. You have to finish the book. And I could not finish the book. I stared at the computer screen and stared at it, and I could not finish the book. And then the 2016 US presidential election happened, and I finished the book in 15 minutes. Because it came to me that if love is an ability,

• 1:03:38Speaker 02

  maybe it's also a responsibility. And if I want love to be present in a conversation, maybe I have to be the one to bring it in. Or I want it as part of an assessment of a solution to something, maybe I have to be the one to suggest it. And that's how I finished the book.

• 1:03:56Dan Harris?

  Really good. I'm writing that down. I'm not sure you answered the question, though, about the yoga of self-creation.

• 1:04:02Speaker 02

  That would sort of be a Tibetan version of it, where you imagine a deity, you visualize a deity, and the deities are chosen often on the basis of some attribute, maybe your teacher. Wants to inspire in you, or whatever, you know, wisdom, or love, or something, and you visualize the deity, but then you become the deity. So it's a little bit like what I experienced in doing loving kindness meditation. It's like, I became something I never thought I could. You know, in Tibetan practice, they use active imagination a lot that way. It's almost like, wow, is this me? You know, like, here I am, radiating light in all directions. Like, wow, look at this, you know?

• 1:04:47Speaker 02

  I don't have to just like sink into my corner again. That's how you sort of realize that the limitations we have so often are just self-imposed through culture, through conditioning in some way, and that we are capable of so much.

• 1:05:04Dan Harris?

  One last question about the book, and then I want to turn to your new book. I think, and you'll correct me if I'm wrong, one of the punchlines of Love Your Enemies is that ultimately, there are no enemies.

• 1:05:16Dan Harris?

  What does that mean?

• 1:05:17Speaker 02

  That was also a little bomb by Bob, in the sense that the solidification of what we interpret as an enemy is really a mistake. And that when we understand, first of all, everything depends on how we're relating, you know, like, our own anger may not be an enemy if we are relating in a certain way with forgiveness toward ourselves, and patience, and the ability not to be engulfed in it. Even this other person who we feel is trying to harm us may not be an enemy in that we

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  have removed ourselves from the situation, or we have not taken so to heart the story they have told about us. We don't have to become what they are saying. There are ways in which we can find courage and strength that render ineffective these so-called enemies. And there's also a way in which we can decide what our north star is, what our life is about, and that, and meti, you know, hatred and fear, is not something we want to live by. I've often pondered that statement of the Buddhists, where he said, hatred will never cease by hatred. Hatred will only cease by love. This is an eternal law.

• 1:06:42Speaker 02

  And the more we understand genuinely where our happiness comes from and strength and wisdom, the more we see that that kind of rigid categorization of a mind state or a person as an enemy and holding to that is not serving us toward that end. Like, there are ways in which, as you know, we do loving kindness practice toward those who have helped us, who've been like benefactors. We do loving kindness practice toward those who are friends. We do loving kindness practice toward those we don't like. Again, understanding what it means and what it doesn't mean. But it's not uncommon for people to say, "Well,

• 1:07:23Speaker 02

  you know, I was doing loving kindness for my benefactor and I was feeling all this gratitude and then I remembered, you know, there was that one time when they didn't call me back and they weren't really there for me. Maybe they're my difficult person. Maybe they're not my benefactor." And as the Dalai Lama said, quoting Shanti Deva, this great Tibetan sage, "Friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Life is molten. It's changing. Everything is so changeable." And so, we don't have to hold someone or a part of ourselves as this permanent and flexible forever enemy who I hate, because we're going to be miserable as a result.

• 1:08:01Dan Harris?

  Well said. Before I let you go, let's talk a little bit about your new book. It's a children's book called Kind Carl. How did you end up writing a children's book?

• 1:08:14Speaker 02

  Well, my first book was Loving Kindness. It was published by Shambala. It came out in 1995. And they have just started a line of children's books. They had an author that they had often used. And they asked me about working together with Jason Gruel to create this children's book about loving kindness. So it's about Carl the crocodile, who's so cute, who learns to be kind. And it's got some loving kindness instruction at the end. And I actually wanted to talk to you about borrowing your son, literally, because the book's coming out December 9th. I'm not totally sure about how to present a children's book

• 1:08:57Speaker 02

  like in a reading. And I thought, maybe I could borrow Alexander, who teaches loving kindness sometimes.

• 1:09:05Dan Harris?

  Alexander really likes attention, so I'm sure he'd be happy to do it.

• 1:09:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:09:10Dan Harris?

  Just to fill that in, you know, as a parent, you often wonder whether you're having any impact on your kid, aside from annoying them. And one of the hallmarks of my parenting is that I take Alexander, or historically, I've taken him with me everywhere. Once he turned five, I just started taking him on all my travels. And so we've gone all over the world together. And I made what I think is a wise parenting decision, which is that I don't lecture him about meditation or any of that stuff. He is in the world of it. Your next door neighbor, Joseph Goldstein, who's an amazing meditation teacher, most of the listeners will know, Joseph and Sam Harris and I recorded a whole series, an eight hour series for

• 1:09:54Dan Harris?

  the Waking Up app on the Noble Eightfold Path, like this, one of the foundational lists of the Buddha. And Alexander was in the room the whole time, you know, like half the time he was on his iPad, but the rest of the time he was just listening. I don't think he was happy about it, but like, he's just been around a lot of Dharma. And then I found out a couple of years ago, the principal of his school called and said, yeah, your son's been teaching loving kindness around the school. The high school heard about this and they wanted him to come teach it there. I'll put in the show notes, I actually made a little Instagram video of my son teaching high school students loving kindness meditation. Anyway, so I'm not sure how much he understands the concepts. I think he likes the attention.

• 1:10:38Dan Harris?

  That's fine. What is that old Jewish line about you put the word of God on top of your heart, because eventually it will get into your heart?

• 1:10:46Speaker 02

  Oh, that's nice.

• 1:10:47Dan Harris?

  So maybe that's how it will happen with Alexander. But a long way of saying, I'm sure he'd be game for whatever hijinks you've got in mind.

• 1:10:55Speaker 02

  Okay, I'll be in touch.

• 1:10:59Dan Harris?

  So the idea of Kind Carl is that this alligator, many of us associate alligators with-

• 1:11:04Speaker 02

  Crocodile.

• 1:11:05Dan Harris?

  Crocodile, my bad, right. They're different.

• 1:11:07Speaker 02

  They have different snouts.

• 1:11:08Dan Harris?

  They have different snouts. It's one of my favorite words, snout. Crocodiles are not often associated with loving kindness. And yet, even this fearsome creature has the innate capacity for love that can be watered and grown.

• 1:11:23Speaker 02

  Absolutely. And, you know, he did it, Carl did it in part by looking at his thoughts, like, nobody likes me and I'm stupid, and realizing that they were just thoughts. And that he could be different. And sometimes he felt happy, sometimes he felt sad, but he learned to be kinder to himself. And then he learned not to snap at others, and he made a lot more friends. And right at the end, there's activities for everyday loving kindness for kids, loving kindness meditation, gratitude, joy for others, compassion, things like that. So it's really my favorite illustration is right at the end, there's Carl the crocodile

• 1:12:07Speaker 02

  meditating, and you see these thought clouds, may I be peaceful, may you be safe, may you be healthy. You know, he's doing loving kindness meditation. He's so cute.

• 1:12:18Dan Harris?

  Didn't our mutual friend Richie Davidson, the eminent neuroscientist, didn't he do some landmark research that showed that when you teach preschoolers loving kindness meditation, they're more likely to give their stickers away to kids they don't like?

• 1:12:30Speaker 02

  Yes, and he's doing more. And I sent him a PDF of the book, you know, so he's about to engage in even further research. Yes, he did it. And it's kind of wonderful that people like him, you know, who are such eminent researchers are turning their attention to children so much.

• 1:12:48Dan Harris?

  You mentioned gratitude. Are there Dharma teachings around gratitude?

• 1:12:52Speaker 02

  There are, because sympathetic joy, which is one of the companion qualities to loving kindness, along with compassion and equanimity, sympathetic joy is feeling happiness for the happiness of others. One of the reasons it's very difficult sometimes is because we feel we have nothing go in ourselves. You know, it's like you have everything and you will forever and I have nothing and I will forever. And of course, there's several problems with that because nothing is forever, but also that feeling of like, I have absolutely nothing. We may not have much we're paying attention to or appreciating, but it's not like we have nothing. And it's also unlikely you have absolutely everything, but that's its own issue.

• 1:13:34Speaker 02

  But in order to counter that sense of I have nothing, I'm depleted, I'm kind of empty in that sense of the word, you have everything. In contrast, we do gratitude reflections and realize we're not so bereft, we're not so without, or impoverished, that we actually can offer someone loving kindness or sympathetic joy out of a space of, if not inner abundance, at least inner sufficiency.

• 1:14:04Dan Harris?

  Is there something you were hoping to get to in this conversation that we haven't gotten to?

• 1:14:09Speaker 02

  No, I just really appreciate, I always like talking to you and someday I want to sit down and ask you a bunch of questions about loving kindness. And it is such an interesting time with so much hatred and so much fear on the rise and sometimes being pronounced. And, you know, sometimes I feel like there are these voices that say, what about love? You know, what about that? You know, really, it's okay, it's important, it's vitally important. And I'm also glad that Carl the Crocodile is coming into the world.

• 1:14:42Dan Harris?

  So I usually end by asking people to mention stuff they've made that the listeners should know about. You've mentioned Kind Carl. I'll put a link in the show notes for people who want to purchase that. You also mentioned your book, which came out 30 years ago, Loving Kindness?

• 1:14:59Speaker 02

  Loving Kindness, 1995.

• 1:15:02Dan Harris?

  Okay. Which I remember, as I've often joked, reading on an airplane but covering up with another book because I didn't want anybody to see me reading something called Loving Kindness. My attitudes have really changed.

• 1:15:13Speaker 02

  I forgot about that. That's true.

• 1:15:15Dan Harris?

  And you also mentioned Real Love, which came out. When did that come out?

• 1:15:19Speaker 02

  That came out after the pandemic began, somewhere in there.

• 1:15:24Dan Harris?

  2020-ish?

• 1:15:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, or maybe before the pandemic, just before, because then Real Change came. I have a lot of books.

• 1:15:30Dan Harris?

  Also to mention, aside from Sharon's books, which include Loving Kindness, Real Love, Real Happiness, Real Change, and Kind Carl, also your podcast, The Metta Hour?

• 1:15:40Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, M-E-T-T-A, where I get the chance to interview people about mindfulness, about love, about their work in the world. So, as you know, it's a very rewarding exercise, and I learn a lot.

• 1:15:55Dan Harris?

  Yes. Final thing I want to mention on your behalf in terms of promotion is Sharon is one of the co-founders of the Insight Meditation Society, which is coming up on its 50th anniversary, and IMS is doing something, in my view, incredibly important, which is building a third center. On the property, there are now two centers where you can meditate. There's the main retreat center, and then there's a place for experienced practitioners called the Forest Refuge. IMS is now raising money for a third center, which will be on the grounds. This is really important because it's very hard to get into a retreat right now. If you've ever tried to sign up at dharma.org for a retreat at IMS, you will have undoubtedly noticed that it's really hard to get into them. They're often run on a lottery system.

• 1:16:40Dan Harris?

  So, having more capacity for more retreats is good not only for us as rank-and-file yogis, but also good for retreat teachers, who I think we all want to support and give opportunities to make a living. Anything else you want to say about this third center for people listening?

• 1:16:55Speaker 02

  I think it's really exciting. It's also, of course, daunting. You know, I was 23 when we started IMS, the original, and there was no knowing. We looked at that building, which was a Catholic novitiate, and thought, how many people in this country are ever going to want to meditate, do this kind of meditation? And look what happened, you know? So we're kind of entering a new era, and it feels like the right thing to do, to, as you say, try to meet demand, which is exploding, and try to serve people. It's a refuge. It's a sanctuary. It's also, it's a learning center. People come there not just for an experience, but for, in a way, training, to get some tools that they can take out into their lives. So it feels like the right time to do that.

• 1:17:40Dan Harris?

  IMS has been, like, truly, and I use this term unironically, like, a beacon, a vector of practical wisdom that has had ripple effects that are incalculable. So I'm supporting this third center fundraising campaign. I encourage you to do so, even if it's just a couple bucks. I'll put links in the show notes for anybody who wants to get involved. Meanwhile, Sharon, love talking to you. Thank you for making time to do this.

• 1:18:09Speaker 02

  Thank you so much, and for lending me your son.

• 1:18:15Dan Harris?

  Careful what you wish for.

• 1:18:23Dan Harris?

  Thanks again to Sharon Salzberg. Always love hanging out with her in any context. Don't forget to check out her new book, like I said, a great holiday gift. And don't forget to go to the show notes, where I've got a link to the fundraiser for IMS. They're trying to build this third center, which would allow for more people to get into more retreats. I'm a huge supporter of this. I would love to have you join me. Also, finally, don't forget that there's a loving kindness meditation that comes with this episode. It's from our Teacher of the Month, Jeff Warren. It's available to subscribers at danharris.com. And if you sign up, you can also come to our weekly live meditation and Q and A sessions. Our next one's on December 16th. Finally, thank you to everybody who works so hard to make this show. Our producers are Tara Anderson and Eleanor Vasili. Our

• 1:19:07Dan Harris?

  recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our managing producer. Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer. DJ Cashmere is our executive producer. And Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme.

• 1:19:27Speaker 03

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