A Four-Word Buddhist Teaching for Instant Calm and (Just Maybe) Lasting Peace | Bart van Melik

If you struggle with the terrifying reality that everything changes, this conversation is for you. Bart van Melik http://bartvanmelik.com/ is a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, and our Teacher of the Month for January. In this live session recorded on Zoom with subscribers to the 10% with Dan Harris app http://app.danharris.com/, Bart and Dan explore one of Bart's favorite teachings: "Keep calmly knowing change"—four words that supposedly distill all 84,000 of the Buddha's teachings. We talk about: Why attuning to the flow of things brings peace (even though change is terrifying)—and what the Buddha said on his deathbed about impermanence How to introduce meditation to kids without making it seem difficult or boring The three dimensions of mindfulness: internal (your own mind), external (noticing other people's breath on the subway), and relational (the field we're all co-creating together) Whether connecting through venting and complaining is harmless or something to examine more closely "Useless speech" (sampappalāpa)—the Pali term for saying stuff that doesn't really matter, and why the urge is often just "look at me" Why Bart is still on this path after all these years: community Bart closes with a beautiful dedication about coming home to the body and appreciating that we show up in community. These live sessions happen every week in the app 10% with Dan Harris, where you can meditate with Dan and guest teachers and ask questions in real time. Get the app at danharris.com http://danharris.com/—there's a free 14-day trial. Join Dan's online community here http://www.danharris.com/ Follow Dan on social: Instagram https://bit.ly/3tGigG5, TikTok https://bit.ly/3FOA84J Subscribe to our YouTube Channel https://bit.ly/3FybRzD Thanks to our sponsor: LinkedIn:  Spend $250 on your first campaign on LinkedIn ads and get a $250 credit for the next one. Just go to linkedin.com/happier http://linkedin.com/happier. To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://advertising.libsyn.com/10HappierwithDanHarris

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:04Dan Harris?

  This is the 10% Happier Podcast. I'm Dan Harris.

• 0:18Dan Harris?

  Hello, everybody. How we doing? Today, I'm talking to a great meditation teacher named Bart van Melik. We're going to talk about a host of fascinating issues. How to get out of your head and into your body. Whether it's okay, from a Buddhist standpoint, to connect with other people through complaining or bullshitting. How to introduce meditation to your children. The immense power of practicing meditation with other people. And we talk about Bart's tagline, which is, "Keep calmly knowing change." He'll explain that. What you're about to hear is a live conversation that Bart and I recorded during one of our weekly live sessions for subscribers to the 10% with Dan Harris meditation app.

• 1:01Dan Harris?

  Bart started us off with a guided meditation. You won't hear this because we clipped it out so we can get right to the Q and A. But the session began with Bart guiding us in a meditation. The theme of the meditation was "Keep calmly knowing change." But we talk a little bit about what that phrase means during the conversation. Before we get to the conversation, just quickly want to plug the app. If you sign up, you can come to our weekly live sessions where we meditate and then chop it up together. We also have a growing body of guided meditations from some of the best teachers on the planet. Plus, we have community features that allow you to connect with me and our teachers and my team and one another, so this meditation thing can be less lonely. Sign up at danharris.com. There's a free 14-day trial if you want to check it out before you spend any money.

• 1:46Dan Harris?

  One last thing to say, though, before we dive in. Starting in March, we're going to go back to our regular cadence of episode drops. So we'll be dropping new episodes only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. You may have noticed that we've been dropping some episodes on Sundays recently, but that era is coming to a close. We're going back to three a week, which will, I think, be saner for everyone. Okay, coming up after this, my conversation with Bart van Meilak.

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• 3:14Dan Harris?

  Let me ask you what may be an obvious question. What is the value of calmly knowing change?

• 3:24Speaker 03

  If we can attune to the flow of things, even just for a moment, we start to realize that clinging or holding on to things make no sense. I think that's why it's so soothing for some people to look at water flowing or really enjoying the flow of music, because it really brings us into the present moment. And this practice invites you to not just be aware of what's going on, but how is it changing? And I actually got it from this modern day scholar and monk, the venerable Analiyo. And full disclosure here, the reason I got it

• 4:08Speaker 03

  was in our teacher training, we had to read his whole dissertation, his PhD, on the Buddhist teachings on mindfulness. But I remember from university in the Netherlands that PhDs always have a conclusion.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  So I went there and then he said, it's go something like this. I'm paraphrasing. If I had to sum up all of the Buddhist teachings on mindfulness in four words, I would go keep calmly knowing change. Keep is has that sense of the continuity and keep remembering to be mindful. Calmly is that kind receptive attitude. The knowing is being aware. And change is just that truth of life, that flow. It's constantly happening even right now. And then it said that the Buddha taught, I think, 84,000 lessons.

• 5:07Speaker 03

  And then on his deathbed, he asked some of the people who were helping him out, like, is everything clear? And they said, yes, venerable sir. And then he passed away by saying, all things in the material and mental world come and go. Keep practicing wholeheartedly. So even there, he was pointing to knowing change because it brings peace.

• 5:32Dan Harris?

  It brings peace, even though it is terrifying on some level.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  It is, especially when sometimes impermanent is really hard. Or the fact that we feel like we're not having control. Couple of years ago was the first time I actually mourned. One of my best friend died. And that powerful change, it really takes a while to be with it. But this practice is really pointing to change happening moment to moment. And attuning to that is really freeing.

• 6:09Dan Harris?

  Reaching for my phone, which I am not doing to check Instagram. I'm doing because this is where I have all the questions that were pre-submitted from the audience. But let's see if we can hit a few questions.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 6:20Dan Harris?

  This one's from GW. Really enjoying listening to Bart's discussion from his most recent podcast. And this is back to the 2021 episode that you and I recorded together, Bart, on relational Dharma.

• 6:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:33Dan Harris?

  GW says, I have a 10 month old who's been a great motivator to increase my meditation and mindfulness practice. Does Bart have any tips about introducing meditation to children when they're a bit older gently? Or any resources to point me in the right direction?

• 6:47Speaker 03

  JW, right? It's so cool that you have a 10 month old. I have an 11 year old. And I already read that question. You know what I did? Last night, I asked Lou, my 11-year-old, "How would you answer this question?" You know what Lou said, JW? He said, "Hmm, every person is different. Not everyone is into meditation. Not every child is into meditation, too." I would start by saying that. So I wanted to just pass on Lou's wisdom here, JW. But you know, one thing I did when Lou was small was to use his belly as my object of meditation.

• 7:30Speaker 03

  And you know what's really cool about Buddhist teachings? And that was in that dissertation by Analiyo, was you're not just invited to practice to be mindful internally about your mind states, kind of what we did in the guided meditation today. It's also about being mindful externally, even with the breath, Buddha said that. So what I did when he was about that age, after he would be in bed, and he usually started on his belly, especially in the summer, not a lot of blankies, or he was wearing that thing here, I can't recall what that's called in English. And then I would just start noticing his belly rise and fall.

• 8:12Speaker 03

  So I became aware of the breath externally. That became my anchor. And there that too, you could see it coming and going. And as a matter of fact, what I really appreciate about the Buddhist teachings is that it not only points to being aware of your internal surroundings or what's going on externally, it's also about being aware of the relational field that you're co-creating. That Dan and I, and we're all creating, all 317 of us live right now.

• 8:46Speaker 03

  And even with the breath, the Buddha said that. And I remember thinking, how am I gonna practice that? So on the number three line in New York, I would be squeezed in. I could feel my body breathe. But all of a sudden, I felt bodies squeezed next to me breathing as well. Well, that's mindfulness of the breath, both internal and external. And the reason I'm saying it is because I think the most important thing in terms of being with kids and taking this practice, bringing life into your practice, it's really about being aware externally and both how you are impacting and together impacting one another.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  That's way more important than teaching your kids some techniques because, as Lou said, not all kids are receptive. And a lot of kids that I taught have a conception of meditation being cross-legged and they would all go, hmm. And so just to teach them that there's other ways that you can be mindful is really helpful. So what Lou and I are doing, his New Year's resolution was running more outside. And then we'll do that mindfully because we both enjoy it. So when your kid grows older, I would suggest to do activities that you both really enjoy and then talk about what it's like to be really in the moment and then ask questions like, how do you feel afterwards?

• 10:10Speaker 03

  So that's how I've been playing the gentle bringing meditation into Lou's life because the worst, the last thing I would wanna do is to give him a sense of, oh, meditation is difficult, or it's boring, or I have to sit still, because I don't think that's what meditation is about.

• 10:30Dan Harris?

  That was a great answer. Here's a question from Jamie. I've noticed that one way I tend to connect with others is through venting or complaining. Lately, though, I've become more aware of it and how it might portray me as more negative, even though I feel like I'm generally a pretty happy human. The things I complain about don't usually upset me deeply or even remotely. I think I'm more interested in generating a good conversation relating to others and lightening the mood with some dry humor. That makes me wonder whether this is just how I connect, a personality trait, or if it's insecurity showing up in disguise. Is it harmless or something worth looking at more closely?

• 11:09Speaker 03

  Oh, that's a full question. I would definitely look closely into it. The answer about harmless is where you're coming from. And I think humor, especially in these times, is so helpful. I've been consuming so much stand-up comedy, you have no idea. I love your episode. I was there, by the way, live when you interviewed Pete Holmes. Ah, I think we need humor, especially in these challenging times. So I would see where you're coming from. I think that's what's really important with this. But also just to know, like, how you see this. Is it something you often do? Has it become like a pattern? Maybe you could also just pause when you catch it and go like, why am I doing this? And just see what happens. Could be a pause for a reflection.

• 11:54Speaker 03

  Jamie, right? I think we can use more humor right now and lightness.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  But I would, again, also be mindful externally. And just notice how what you're saying is landing for the other person. And you can read that quite easily, I think. So that could be something to play with next time when you do this, Jamie. Just really become aware of the non-verbal cues you're getting from the person you're doing this particular pattern with and just see. But also maybe play sometimes with not doing it. You feel the urge and you go, no, let's not do this. And maybe actually wait for the other person to say something. So, yeah, I would definitely look into that. That would be my suggestion.

• 12:40Dan Harris?

  I agree with your suggestion. And just the one thing I'll add is our mutual teacher, Joseph Goldstein, likes to talk about this ancient Buddhist or Pali. Pali is the language in which the Buddhist teachings were written down. And in Pali, there's a word, some papa lapa, which it means exactly what it sounds like, which is useless speech. Joseph's argument is that if you check out, the next time you have the urge to say something that, you know, doesn't really matter, often the urge is, look at me. So I'm not like totally against some papa lapa. And sometimes it is a good way to foster connection, especially if it's harmless gossip or a dry joke or just like,

• 13:22Dan Harris?

  I keep up a non-stop patter of nonsense with my wife and son all day long. I could probably turn down the volume on that, but I do think it has some utility. But checking it out can yield some interesting data.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, I agree.

• 13:38Dan Harris?

  I do, as stated earlier, need to close a little bit early today. However, I do want to close, or actually you Bart want to close with a dedication, and I want to leave space for that.

• 13:49Speaker 03

  Okay. So we have like a couple of minutes?

• 13:52Dan Harris?

  Yeah, please.

• 13:53Speaker 03

  All right.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  So the first thing I want to invite you into is to just come home to the body again.

• 14:02Speaker 03

  And also, especially when you're interacting with people, like JW with her 10-year-old, or Jamie with the sampa lapa going on sometimes, which we all do, I'm part of that team as well. It's really helpful to stay connected to the body. And so from time to time, just to come home to, oh yeah, I have this embodied experience that I can feel.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  And then maybe taking a moment to appreciate the fact that you are here in community.

• 14:37Speaker 03

  The reason I'm on this path still is because of community. I would have definitely stopped meditating.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Maybe appreciating the fact that you have shown up right now.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  It's a really helpful practice to recollect the good that you do.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  May your time together be a cause and condition for inner and for outer peace.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  And just see what it's like to be mindful just for a few more moments.

• 15:21Speaker 03

  And check if it's more oriented internally, or maybe it's externally, or both.

• 15:33Speaker 03

  Knowing you can always come home to this body.

• 15:40Speaker 03

  And coming home to awareness.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  Because awareness will protect you.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  And finally, I love to close by saying three times, "May there be peace." "May there be peace."

• 16:03Speaker 04

  "May there be peace." It was a pleasure being here. Take good care.

• 16:15Dan Harris?

  Thanks again to Bart. Thanks to you for hanging out with us. Don't forget to check out my new app. It's called 10% with Dan Harris. You can get it at danharris.com or wherever you get your apps. There's a free 14-day trial. I really love this app. I would love to have you as part of it. If you can't afford it, don't worry about it. You can just send us a note and we will hook you up. Last thing to say here, thank you so much to everybody who works so hard on this show. Our producers are Tara Anderson and Eleanor Vasili. Our recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our managing producer. Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer. DJ Cashmere is our executive producer. And Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme.

• 17:13Speaker 05

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