The Power of Picture Books with Tamron Hall

Dr. Becky joins Tamron Hall to discuss the power of picture books in fostering connection between parents and kids, especially when addressing difficult behaviors.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Speaker 01

  I'm with Tamara Hall.

• 0:44Speaker 02

  I'm with Dr. Becky.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  And we are about to go on stage together. So excited.

• 0:48Speaker 02

  I'm super excited.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Let's do it.

• 0:49Speaker 02

  I'm a little nervous, but I'm with you.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  You know what? We can be excited and nervous and brave all at the same time.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  Just like our kid.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go

• 1:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 2:12Speaker 02

  I have to say, I mean, I do kind of feel like we're at the club, but like,

• 2:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're doing it.

• 2:16Speaker 02

  We're the cool kids because we're talking about something that matters. First of all, congratulations.

• 2:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Thank you.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  How does this feel?

• 2:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I mean, it feels surreal. I I've always been obsessed with children's books. I feel like my best moments with my kids come with children's books. I can tell a version of my own story, a memory I have when I kind of read something that kind of evokes something. I know my kids feel less alone through kind of watching other kids go through the same things they go through. And honestly, it was the Good Inside Community who I feel like sparked this and saying, we want more good inside our home. Like, we are trying to do this. It's a new language and books are a way to hear yourself say words that you might not come up with in the moment, especially when you're stressed, like we were just talking about. And so the fact that that idea, my love for children's books, now comes from this moment

• 3:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  to this moment, and I see it right here and I'm talking to you about it. I'm just so excited to get this out to the world.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  When you wrote the last page of this phenomenal little book, but powerful book, what did that feel like?

• 3:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, I haven't been asked that question. And it actually, it was kind of this moment of conflict with the actual last word because my favorite moments with my kids are when I tell some story of struggling when I was a kid. And I feel like there's a way when you tell a story like, oh, you know, when I was your age, I saw a kid have some stickers in her cubby and I took them. Right? If my kid's, you know, kind of in a stealing phase or something like that. And to me, the most powerful thing is when you tell the story, you kind of feel this connection with your kid. And then I always tell parents, if you do this, do not cheapen the moment by saying,

• 4:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  but then I never stole again. You know, and we all do that, right? And you're like, well, you just totally ruined that moment. And so I ended this book. And it's interesting you ask me in a way that felt authentic. There, there's kind of a moving on. There's not some tied up with a bow moment. There's not, and then Charlie and Pia never hit another child or never did anything imperfect again. It kind of felt like an extension of what would happen in my house. Like I'd intervene, I'd set a boundary, I'd connect with my kid, I'd connect with my other kid. And then I kind of trust that you can move on in the moment and you don't have to take all of the years of parenting and put it into a 30 second lecture to your kid.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  You don't?

• 4:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  No, I do not recommend. Um, I'm learning I don't have to do that in my marriage either, actually.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  I told you it was a spicy evening.

• 5:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's a spicy evening, don't know where we're gonna go. So at the end, I think, you know, and then I talked about it with my team. And this honestly, I feel like is something I've led with, I was like, this, this feels right. Like it just, it feels right, not because it's perfect and right, but because it feels authentic and true to what happens. And so I think I finally felt settled at the end by saying, this just feels true to a kid and a parent's experience, even if it might not look like another children's book.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  I love that you said true to the kid and the parent's experience. You know, I wrote Harlem, honey. A lot of people believe this is a love letter to Harlem. And in truth, it's my son was incredibly shy. He was just shy of his first birthday when the world shut down. And as I shared with you, when we emerged, I had a confident kid in the home. And then I had the kid at the birthday party who was hiding behind me. I went through the rush of embarrassment. I'm not my kid. Wait a minute, I'm on TV running outside and my kid is in the corner and he's frozen in fear. And we used curiosity and adventure

• 6:07Speaker 02

  to bring this side of him to the surface and allow for a conversation. That's what this book is about. Hitting has a similar tone to it for me.

• 6:22Speaker 02

  The embarrassment you feel the first time someone says your kid hit someone, or that first moment on the playground when everyone says, whose kid is this? Who owns this one? And you believe, oh, boy, this is a reflection of my home, or my life, or our family. Take me to the realization and the call to tackle this one, which is a tough one.

• 6:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It is. And I think people ask me of all the topics of your first children's book, why hitting? You know, and I think there's a couple of reasons. I think about from years ago, before I had an Instagram account, before any of this, I'd be seeing parents in my private practice and I would see, everyone was different, but there was a lot of the same version of a story. Two kids, and there was one kid who was the hitter. And then there was one kid who was kind of the victim. And the version of a first consultation would often sound the same. Like, I need to protect my kid. And this book, it would be Pia. Pia's getting hit by Charlie. Pia's such a good kid and she would never hit her brother. And Charlie just keeps hitting over and over. What do we do? And how do we get Charlie to stop? And how do we protect Pia?

• 7:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Now, without a doubt, the Pia needs protection. Okay, it's true. No one needs to get hit over and over, of course. But what I'd always feel very deep down is Charlie needs protection. Like, kids who act out need protection from forming an identity as a bad kid. Like, they really need an advocate. Because when they act out, they're struggling to get grounded. They're struggling to kind of access the good inside them.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And they need an adult who sees it and knows they're not a bad kid doing bad things. They're a good kid having a hard time. And we don't have to choose. Both kids are good kids and both kids need protection. And I found myself over and over. Being kind of such a champion for kids who were, I think, labeled as bad kids in their family, in school. Um, cause I feel like those kids don't necessarily have someone who like really has a voice saying, this is a good kid, they need skills, they need boundaries, and if we can't see the good inside our kid, they're not going to be able to access the good inside them. And I think that's why this topic really hit me.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  I think it's so relatable. I was just flying back from New Orleans just a few hours ago and I landed with my son, he was on tour with me. And this woman said to me, oh, he is so curious. She had no idea who we were because we looked like ninjas because we've been fighting floods in Florida and coming here. And I said, oh, that's so interesting. I said, he's very curious, he's very precocious. We let him, you know, ask his questions. And she's like, I'm two, his age. And she said, this is so true. And I just got off a parent teacher call. And I, she didn't say anything else. I knew. And she then alluded to one of her kids. And I thought, what are the, is this a plant? I was like, is this, is

• 9:30Speaker 02

  actually a country still doing punked? How is this possible? That this complete stranger on the plane with a six-year-old alluded to this very thing of the labeled bad kid call.

• 9:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  That, for parents, let's just unpack that a little bit.

• 9:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, I think this is really common, really, really kind of goes deep back to our kind of childhood. And I think it has a lot to do with the essence that is the good inside approach. Right? We see bad behavior all the time. This is actually what really compelled me to become a psychologist. I was just like, why do good people do bad things? Not just kids, all of us. Like, we all do not so great things, right? Why do I yell at my husband even though I know it's just that I had a bad day at work and I'm taking it out on him and I know better? Why do I scroll on my phone even though I definitely know better than to do that at 10:00 PM when I said I would have an early night? Like, we do things all the time. And I think the thing to activate is curiosity to try to understand that. Because

• 10:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think one of the things our brain does as a trick, kind of is, we see bad behavior, our own, I yelled at my kid, or our kids, my kid hit. And we immediately short circuit because it's the easiest thing to assume bad behavior means I'm a bad person. Or bad behavior means my kid is a bad kid. And I don't think we actually think that so consciously, but it happens so fast. Behavior and identity get collapsed. And then we're in a mindset where my kid almost is that behavior. And then, of course, if our kid is a bad kid, you're going to lead with control. You're going to send them to your room. You're going to be in a threat state yourself.

• 11:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're feeling like, oh, my goodness, my kid is the enemy and this is all bad. And, and I do this too. We fast forward 20 years, right? Probably not the only one is like, my kid's a sociopath and they're going to be hitting people when they're 30. And they're going to be in jail, they're going to have no friends. And in reality, your kid's like two.

• 11:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And they like are frustrated that their friend is playing with the blue blocks. Right? And as I've said a million times, but to me, it really can't be overstated. Kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills. That gap explains 99.99% of bad behavior. And we've always kind of punished in some ways, the kid and the feelings. You're overreacting, go to your room, stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about. There's no reason to feel jealous as if the feelings are the problem. But the lack of skills have always been the problem. And I think in this audience right now, if we think back to a hard moment

• 12:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  in our kind of early years, I think probably a lot of us would say, maybe I don't remember the details. But if I hit, if I said to my dad, I hate you.

• 12:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't think my parent would have necessarily in the moment differentiated, hold on. What Becky is really saying is I'm very disappointed I can't have a sleepover tonight. That's actually all she's saying. And she's also basically telling me. As a seven-year-old, I don't have the skills to manage that disappointment. And so it's exploding out as I hate you. And I think kids are almost pleading, please don't take my words so seriously. They're kind of just a sign I don't have the skills I need and I'm struggling. And I think that's at the core of this book. I mean, that's honestly at the core of your book and of what we try to do to kind of have a different mindset. I don't have a bad kid doing bad things. That's my assumption when I take behavior and identity and collapse it.

• 13:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I have a good kid who's having a hard time and who actually just really needs my help.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  You gave the example of words. In this case, this is an action.

• 13:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  And what's even, I think, more challenging to process for parents is that it's an action against someone else's kid.

• 13:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  And it's difficult not to escalate to, as you pointed out, who am I? Who is this in my home, you know?

• 13:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  And, oh, wow, when will this stop?

• 13:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  So let's talk about that.

• 13:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Great. So a couple of things, right? Because I think one of the things you just named, when will this stop? Is something I call the fast-forward error. I think we all do this. We do this in our adult lives, too. Right? We have a bad day and we kind of fast-forward, I'm gonna be like this all year, right? Or for kids, we see their bad behavior today and we, we kind of have this time warp. Like, we do just assume it's gonna go on and on and on. And when we do that, we actually respond with all of the anxiety of that timeline. Like, I fast-forward 10 years and I'm actually responding based on anxiety and fear for a decade, which is very different from me, the, even the anxiety and fear I might have in a moment, right?

• 14:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then we, we say things, and by the way, people always say to me, I always think it's funny, how are you so good at acting out what parents say? And I was like, you think I'm acting out? Like, go to your Room. What's wrong with you? Like, because I say that to my kids. I'm not, not so sophisticated. You know, we all short circuit and we all say those things, right? And so to me, there's a couple of things we can do. Number one, I think with anything we're going through with our kids, when they have this kind of pattern of not great behavior, it's powerful to ask ourselves, like, am I setting up my kid for success? Because this is something with hitting. And I was just talking to a teacher about this and they were talking to me about the kid who always with the principal office, Bobby, that was his name, Bobby's always hitting in circle time.

• 15:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Well, Bobby, Charlie, their kids are in a hitting stage. I had two of my kids when they were younger were in a hitting stage.

• 15:12Speaker 02

  Is it called the hitting stage?

• 15:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I call it that. I don't know. We can call it that together, you know? And I actually think the power of that kind of phrase is stage. Our brain doesn't think in terms of stages. It thinks in terms of eternity. Like, I don't know if y'all remember, right? If you have toddlers now and your baby all of a sudden wasn't sleeping through the night and you're like, I'm never sleeping again, right? And then they were and you're like, my baby's an amazing sleeper. Everything just feels like the truth, right? And like, both are true, right? They're sleeping and they're probably not going to sleep tomorrow night and they'll sleep again for a week, right? So a stage, to me, one of my favorite mantras for every difficult stage is this, this is a hard stage and I'm going to figure it out. And it kind of puts me back in the moment and it reminds me of something really important.

• 15:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Our capability, like we can figure it out. And going back to setting our kids up for success, like if you right now think of a hard stage your kid is at, maybe it's hitting, maybe it's pushing, maybe it's I hate you, maybe it's always having a meltdown when you have to take them on an errand, that's not fun for them, whatever it is. A lot of our kids get in predictable stages and I used to be like this too, and we're surprised by it every time. We're like, that's Charlie hitting again. And I feel like someone on the outside will be like, Charlie's been hitting for like kind of a couple of months. Like, we kind of knew that was going to happen. And I think one of the big things that happens in this book that I wanted to really illustrate, because in my workshops and stuff, it's powerful to teach, but I think it's so powerful to illustrate, is the power of setting a boundary, right?

• 16:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So this is what I always hear from parents. Charlie's in a hitting phase and I'd say to Charlie, stop hitting. And I'd say, "We don't hit," right? And I just, I don't know about you, but I picture yelling at my husband and being like, "Becky, we don't yell."

• 16:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I feel like I have some choice words to say that would not, you know, be helpful, right? And the truth is, assuming we don't hit, our kids, our kids know we don't hit. It's like this weird language we've developed. And again, wherever you're in New York City, I picture if your kid was running toward oncoming traffic, you wouldn't be like, "Charlie, we don't run, we don't run toward oncoming traffic. We don't, and if you do that again, you're gonna lose dessert tonight." No, we would just pick our kid up and not let our kid run into traffic. And even if our kid was yelling, "Let go of me!" You, I don't think in that situation, you'd be like, "Okay, I'm gonna respect your words." Okay. You'd be like, "You're not in a position to be making good decisions." Like, "And I love you so much that I'm willing to make a decision for you."

• 17:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Even if you're kicking and screaming, like our kids do sometimes in public, because your immediate reaction to my boundary in no way is a barometer for how effective my intervention actually is. And so I think one of the number one things that happens here in this book is you see a parent, when the hitting happens, step in swiftly. I think this can be a moment we say together, "We're not gonna say we don't, we're not gonna say, 'Please stop.'" I always picture a four-year-old being like, "You're watching me hit and not being able to control myself, and your best intervention is to ask me to stop doing something I'm not able to stop doing." It actually feels very bad to a kid. They're like, "Where's the adult around here?" Right?

• 18:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then, I think when we step in swiftly, that also means, "This is important. We don't count anymore." Right? I mean, I'm gonna count to five, right? We all do this, and all we're really saying is, "I'm gonna count to five, and I'm just gonna let myself get super frustrated after you still don't do the thing." You, you know, and again, I picture my kid being like, why, why are you counting? Like, is that a thing humans do? Like, you know, I don't picture a great CEO being like, if I'm gonna count to five, and if you don't stop interrupting me, I'm gonna take away your lunch for today. It would feel pathetic. It would be, you're just gonna like, just mute the person on Zoom if they're really interrupting. And so I think this idea of boundaries while staying connected,

• 19:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  which is kind of core to good inside, it's not soft. I don't particularly think it's gentle. It's just not a word that resonates with me. It's not harsh. It's respectful. It's sturdy. And it really all comes alive here.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  It's interesting, respectful and sturdy.

• 19:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  Because we are talking about this action of explosive physicality, and you're trying to meet it where it is. Some people believe, oh, gosh, if I escalate, this is going to make the situation. My kid will only become more volatile if I

• 19:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  step in.

• 19:42Speaker 02

  Step in or present as the strong parent.

• 19:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 19:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Let's talk about that.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  Let's talk about it.

• 19:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Um, yeah. So, I mean, I think we've really kind of poorly defined what it means to be a strong authoritative.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  How do you define it?

• 20:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  To me, the word sturdy really does embody everything we do at Good Inside. And the reason I like that word is I feel like words can be cheap. They're just words. I like words that have an evocative feel. Like, I don't know about you all, but if I hear the word sturdy, I like feel something in my body. I feel like, yeah.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  It's a great, I love it. Yeah.

• 20:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Word, you know? And I think, you know, it's interesting. Let's say your kid hits and you don't punish them. Right? Because, I mean, we can really get into that. I just feel like, number one, if kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills, and that gap explains bad behavior, every time you punish a kid, you actually just increase their bad feelings about themselves. Like, how counterproductive to increase the gap between feelings and skills. We've just called that discipline for hundreds of years, and it's really never made sense. And so you picture a parent in that situation, often saying things like, I cannot permit this behavior. Go to your room and no dessert tonight, no iPad. Or we say things that we also never even keep up. I mean, because I know this, I've done it. I'd be like, no dessert tonight.

• 21:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And that night, this happened like a couple of weeks ago. I was like, you know what? You can have berries and whipped cream because that is not really dessert. What am I saying? It's like making stuff up, you know? And then we said, because in the moment you do something, you like take something away, you feel strong. I really mean this, and this is going to sound controversial, but like I'm just on one tonight. Like, I feel like that is so weak. Wow. So weak. Like, can you picture a good NBA coach watching a kind of a player miss layups? And the best thing they have is like screaming at them in the court, like, come off the court. And then tonight, like you, whatever it is, you're going to lose this many thousand dollars. It just feels, you're like, what?

• 21:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or a CEO, again, like, you're late? Well, then I'm going to leave you out of this meeting tomorrow. Like, it feels so pathetic because you're saying something out of desperation. I don't know one person who, when they spout a random punishment, actually feels grounded. They're saying it because their body feels so uncomfortable. Their body is experiencing intense emotions that, as adults, we're still learning to regulate, me too. And so we just, we just vomit our frustration on our kids and call it discipline. It's not. And so I think instead what sturdy is, is our ability to set a boundary. We have to be a boundary for our kid before they can be a boundary for themselves. People are like, well, I'm not going to stop my kid from hitting.

• 22:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  They need to learn to do that themselves. How are they going to learn to do that? Their urge to hit is going to be met with your boundary. Literally, I won't let you hit. And when you get good at this, you start to notice. One of my kids, again, I knew was always was sharing. Why am I going to leave my kid alone on a playdate when there's one truck? I know my kid, they're good unless I'm there. And I'm going to say to my kid before the playdate, I'm going to be sitting close to you. And as soon as I notice there's a hard moment, you're not in trouble, I'm going to pull you to the side then. Because that's the moment we can kind of take a deep breath together. And again, when I do this the first time, this is so important, my kid doesn't say to me, I really needed that.

• 23:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Thank you. Really needed that. That's sturdy parenting at its best, mommy. No, they scream, "I was fine. Why did you do that?" And again, there are these moments where a good NBA player doesn't judge their performance based on their teammates' performance. They have their own goals they're working on. So if I know my goals, I'm going to try to get ahead of the hit. My kid can protest, that's okay. I can tolerate that and still be there. So sturdy to me is setting a boundary. And then here's the second part. And it's like any good leader. You set a boundary that you know you need to set because you're the adult, and you stay connected to your kid at the same time. You don't have to

• 23:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  choose. Because when I set that boundary, I won't let you hit. I'm also going to say, "Oh, sharing's so hard." And then when you start to do this, your kid will be like, "I know. So can you go get that truck and grab it out of my sister's hand?" Right? And right? Because sharing's hard. And that's when you can have this beautiful intervention. "Oh, no, sweetie. I'm not going to let you take that truck or hit your sister. It's her time to play with it. And I get that waiting for things you want is like the hardest thing in the world, even for me." And so to me, sturdy is your ability to set boundaries and set limits and stay connected to someone else in the process.

• 24:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go

• 25:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  That incident that you played out is in the home.

• 25:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 25:53Speaker 02

  When you get the call from the school or from another parent and you are not there to be the sturdy

• 26:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 26:01Speaker 02

  intervention. Two questions there. First, so much of bad behavior, we instantly feel that others will believe it's happening in our home. Hitting is a tough one, right? Because the first inner I think, well, no one hits in our home. I don't know where he or she got this from. We've never hit it. No one says this. My kid, I just told you, said, "Shut up," to someone, and I fainted. I just, this is a ghost. This is not me. My body is still... What is that Bruce Willis movie? They Were All Dead at the End? I'm really not alive. My body is still where someone told me my kid said, "Shut up," because we literally don't ever say it.

• 26:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  No idea where he got it from, and he knew how to use it.

• 26:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  So the first thing I said to his teacher, I said, "We don't say this in our home." I felt that she didn't believe me. I felt like, and then I felt like I was lying and I wasn't. And I tell my husband, I was like, "We're lying. She thinks we're lying." We got off the phone. I'm like, "She doesn't believe us." Hitting is that same, it's a grenade of feelings of, wow, that person is going to believe someone is hitting in my home, or someone is allowing this in my home, or that we are not sturdy.

• 27:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. Oh, there's so much in this question. So actually, I want to do a quick poll. I'm gonna try to think of the simplest way to say this, because I think there's a question under your question, which is, when I hear something about my kid that's not great,

• 27:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  is my loudest thought, "Oh, my goodness, what is everyone gonna think about me?" kind of gazing out, and almost this hyper vigilance to other people's judgment? Or is my loudest thought... I have a good kid and I'm going to be able to figure this out. Am I kind of gazing in, okay, this is a moment, all kids have moments? Or do I kind of know myself? And I always say information's power. And everyone's like, oh, I'm more attentive to everyone else. I know that's the wrong answer. There's no wrong answer. There's only right answers, which is being honest with yourself. Cause being aware of our kind of inclination is always step one toward being able to shift it if it doesn't work for us. So I think that's actually powerful to think about. I get a call from the school and they're like, your kid's been hitting in school.

• 28:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's my first thought, oh my goodness, the teacher probably think I'm this horrible parent. And if any of the parents find out, they're not going to invite Bobby on playdates. Okay, I mean, I could go down that road. I've had those thoughts too. Is it there? Or is it, hold on a second, I have a good kid. I'm a good parent and we're going to be able to figure this out. I just want everyone to kind of take a moment and clock your reaction, knowing the right answer is actually just noticing whatever feels true and to actually give yourself credit for that. It's very brave to be like, actually, yeah, I do that. So just noticing that shifts it. Because the truth is if we go into, oh my goodness, the teacher thinks I'm a bad parent mode, the only thing that makes sense in that mode is to try to convince the teacher that we're a good parent. Ironically, our kid is now a pawn in this conversation.

• 29:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm not even thinking about my kid's behavior anymore. I just want to prove to this teacher that we're good parents, that kind of my morality, that my kid doesn't do things. And ironically, in that pursuit, and again, I've been there, we don't get to the bottom of whatever's actually happening and we, we actually are less and less able to help our kid. I also really do try to operate with what I call this like MGI perspective, most generous interpretation, right? And so you might all say, Becky, you're delusional. And maybe I am, but I think it works for me. I just, I just believe that people inherently would understand kids hit. That just because a kid hits doesn't mean I'm a bad parent, doesn't believe I have a

• 29:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  bad kid. And if that's a new idea, and maybe I am delusional, to me, there's so many things that could be true. It's just a matter of what ends up working more for you than against you. And I'd ask you tonight and tomorrow, just like, try that on. What if I assume that this friend who I thought was judging me actually really likes my kid and just wanted me to be aware? The teacher actually also thinks, hey, we're both just Team Bobby, let's figure out a game plan. Because it's amazing when you operate with that assumption. You don't feel like daggers are actually being thrown your way all the time. And you even hear the same comment from the teacher differently. So, very practically, when talking to teachers, I find one of the most helpful things to say from the start of the conversation is something I just said. Look, thank you for telling me about what's happening in

• 30:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  school. And I just want to say, I know we're both Team Charlie. I know that. I know we both know, he's a good kid, kind of a hard stage, and I'm kind of excited to share what we're trying at home, excited to hear what you're trying at school. And I know if we work together, like, we're gonna really be able to figure this out. And just setting the stage that way with the most generous interpretation, completely changes the conversation. Because the teacher too, wants to prove to you, I'm a good teacher, I like your kid. And if they feel like they don't have to prove that from the start, you can actually talk about the issue. Same thing with a parent. Like, most of us here, like, I don't know, our kids have done things. My kids have done things. They've hit, they've lied, you know,

• 31:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  they steal, they say, I hate you. And one of the perspectives on this that I really have found heartening, I want my kids to do all those things. I actually do. It's not like I say to them, hey, go smack that kid. I don't, I don't go that far, okay? I do not, okay? But here's why I want them to do those things. And I really do mean this. I get more concerned about kids who don't have a range of kind of difficult behaviors than I do about kids who do. Because underneath any quote "bad behavior" is a feeling your kid is gonna have for the rest of their life. Here, right, when Pia is playing with Charlie's favorite truck, he feels nervous, right? And I think that's actually underneath so much we don't realize. Like, what if she plays with it the wrong way?

• 31:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What if she breaks my truck? Right? They feel nervous, they feel jealous, they feel angry, they feel disappointed. These feelings will exist in our kid's life forever. Right? I always think as a psychologist in private practice, I never had an adult say, "My parents got all of the distressing feelings out of my body. I'm just happy and satisfied all the time." Right? It's never happened. But we all know adults who have no more skills to manage anger and disappointment and jealousy than they did when they were two. Literally. And it might not look like hitting when there's a truck, but it looks like kind of nasty gossip behind someone's back because they weren't invited to a party. Right? Or it looks like this trio of women on White Lotus, where you're like, whoa.

• 32:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? Okay, that's what it looks like. It's the same thing. The context changes, but the feelings never change. And so if your kid is hitting, I really do mean this. Like, I invite you to have this, like, sick, almost joy perspective that I have, okay? Just for a moment of like, "Oh, my goodness, my kid is telling me the thing they need help with. How amazing to find that out at four." It's kind of hard to find that out when your kid's 25 and you're like, "They have a major anger problem" because the stakes get really high. And so, and I think this has to do with the overlap of our book. To me, to have that perspective, you have to activate curiosity over judgment. And those are opposites.

• 33:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Being curious is inherently anti-judgment and being judgmental is inherently anti-curious. And I think this curiosity comes from saying, and you don't have an answer. Just asking yourself the question is so powerful. "What was happening for my kid right before they hit? Hmm, my kid stole that thing from the other kid's cubby at school. I wonder what was going on? What would make me steal something?"

• 33:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then lie about it. I must really want something. I must want it so bad. And then I probably actually feel bad that I took it. And as long as I don't tell the truth, I don't have to face the reality of stealing that kid's truck and I still get to have it in my backpack. Like, I think we could actually all kind of understand that. And you know what happens when you're an adult? You see other people have things that you really, really want. You do. And so how cool that we have this opportunity. Be like, oh, well, let me understand the feeling. What skill would my kid need? What would my kid need to say to themselves when they see someone else's truck? To manage the feeling and not steal it? Because I promise you that thing, which you can actually practice,

• 34:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  actually will be probably the exact same thing your kid's gonna say to themselves when they're 40. Oh, I want that and it stinks that I don't have it. And I can figure this out. It's okay to want and not have. This stinks and there will be a moment it doesn't feel this hard. Like, the words will be the same even as the context changes. And you only have an opportunity to help your kid if there's a sign of what they're struggling with, which usually is their kind of bad behavior.

• 35:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset, together as a family, before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty,

• 35:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  I love that you talked to me backstage and I want to share it with the audience as well. This opportunity to connect with our children with the book, like a story time that really has this substantive message and, and is full of tools that they will potentially, and that we will be able to enjoy in a simple story form. I think that's so powerful versus we're sitting down today over the dinner table to talk about you hitting and let's go over Dr. Becky's notes. Are you ready, five-year-olds? Go. You know, whereas we can sit on the bed, you know, wherever, outside, at the park,

• 36:53Speaker 02

  and enjoy this book in this less tense environment of understanding.

• 36:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, I love that. I mean, I, I really believe that like humans learn through stories. We love stories. We're people of stories. Like, that's actually how we learn our best lessons. And if you think about your hardest moment, I don't know, you were fired from a job, or you lost your wallet, or whatever it was that was hard recently. Think about someone next to you, teaching you something.

• 37:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know, it just would not be what I want in that moment. I feel like if I lost my wallet and then I found out I wasn't invited to something with my friends, and then I had something really hard happen at work, I, the only thing that would help is maybe a hug, or like a friend being like, let me tell you about my horrible day. Right? And it's not because just misery loves companies. It's not because misery loves company. It's because you're having a hard time and there's like all these pieces like this. And when someone else has a story to share where you kind of see similar pieces, you, you feel less alone and you feel like the thing you're going through is survivable in a much more powerful way than someone saying, this is survivable. It just doesn't hit your heart.

• 38:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And books, to me, books are a story. And we were talking about, I, yeah, I just love the way a children's book allows me, allows me for five minutes at the end of the day to be. A really good parent when I feel like on my own, I just don't really have the reserves to be a good parent. I mean it. That that's what my favorite children's books are and they're not all books, but there's the ones where I feel like there's something deep and meaningful. And I know in that moment, I was like, I would not have created this moment on my own. I just, I was too tired. I was frustrated at my kid. And and I was saying this, that this person who got this book early said, I've been kind of part of Good Inside Membership for a while, and the language is so natural to me and it's been a little issue with my partner. He's a little resistant. I'm gonna cry. She's like, I heard him read this book.

• 38:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I heard him, because he was just reading pages, say to our daughter, this idea of like, you're a good kid having a hard time. And he was reading the book, but it was his voice saying it. And those words, and I understand why they're hard for him. It was so different from how he was raised. It really is like a new language. I really feel like books bridge that gap. They're like this tool where your kid hears your voice saying things and creating a moment that either because it's not how you were raised, or it feels awkward, or because you really had a bad day. It probably wouldn't have happened if you didn't have that book. And just to double down on stories, because I'll I'll show you my favorite way to kind of like read something like this.

• 39:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Here's this moment, right, where Charlie hits. Let's just say, right? That's my truck exploded out of Charlie. And before he knew what he was doing, he hit his sister. Gimme it. Gimme it now, Charlie yelled.

• 39:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I would probably like double down on this page slash I have with my own kids, because you have this moment. And we don't like to talk about these things. This is my issue with a lot of children's books. I'm like, it just doesn't look like my house. It just looks like really perfect. And that's not how we learn. Think about trying to learn how to saute garlic from someone who was like a professional chef and never ever burned garlic. Like, you just don't learn from those people. It's too distant. And if you want to really get banged for your buck in this page, you can say to your kid.

• 40:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do you know that when I was five,

• 40:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I hit two? And I promise you, your kid's jaw is gonna drop because you are their whole world. And you've figured out life and you're a good person. I mean, obviously, don't tell them. No one's, we have not figured out life, just good adults having a hard time over here. You know, but they think that because they need to think that because we keep them safe. And the power of sharing that with your kid is again, you say everything without saying it didactically, which just leads someone to shut down because they feel alone in not knowing when you're so perfect. And I remember my son, when he was in a hitting stage, there was almost very little that got traction

• 41:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  until I kind of shared a story of being very similar to him. Because what I was saying is you're not bad and I can tell you, you're not a bad kid. But if I tell you that through a story of being like you and you see now that I have my stuff together more often than you do, at least, you know? It's like there's hope, there's hope and there's no shame. And to me, a book like this to reduce the shame. And at the end, we also literally give a parent kind of this parent's corner of like, oh, and here's other things you can do. It just brings together the best of learning.

• 41:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment? And you just cannot remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar.

• 42:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com/becky. You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support.

• 43:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have fun with, that makes it so much easier to go back to work, or travel, or yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help, or just part-time help with morning drop-off or after-school care, care.com can help you find nannies, sitters, and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare, and request tours, and could

• 44:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  even get a discount on daycare tuition as a care.com member. If you need more support, care.com can help. For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a care.com membership. When it's not you, it's care.com.