F*ck Around and Find Out Parenting

Dr. Becky explores the rise of “FAFO” parenting—is it burnout, backlash to gentle parenting, or just a rebrand of something that’s always been there?

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, FAFO parenting. Boy, am I excited to jump into this with you. I have so many thoughts, so many reactions. And let me say, right from the start, I want to talk about what this acronym means, and that involves choice words that you might not want your kids to hear. So if you just picked up your kid from school from a playdate, maybe press pause and play a little bit later. Okay, what is FAFO parenting? Well, let me name it right up front. And there's something in the naming of it that kind of shares something about its essence. Fuck around and find out. Fuck around and find out parenting. Now, you might think, I still don't really know what it means. I've never heard of this. Let me explain some kind of examples that bring it to life.

• 1:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My kid wants to run around outside without shoes? All right, you're gonna fuck around and find out what it feels like to step on a nail. My kid forgot their homework at home? All right, not my job to put it in your backpack. Just, you're gonna figure out what happens with your teacher when you forget your most important math homework of the year. Fuck around and find out. Now, here's what you might think. You might think, Dr. Becky's gonna say, oh, my goodness, that's so horrible. What a horrible kind of new style of parenting. Now, like most things in life, I tend to have kind of nuanced opinions. There are things,

• 2:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  there are elements that I want to double click on because I think there's something really worthy and good about elements. And then there's other elements.

• 2:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That I think are not so great. Let's just say that upfront. There are other elements where I think we need to have a little shift of the dial. So our kind of intentions and our goals with our kid are kind of going to have the impact we want. I have so much to say and I cannot wait to jump in and talk about all of it with you.

• 2:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list

• 3:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 3:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Why has FFO parenting really risen in popularity? Let's understand this, and I do think there is something understandable in reaction to a lot of what's been being felt around gentle parenting. And whether it's really gentle parenting or perversion of it, but I think there's this theme of I don't want to be involved in every aspect of my child's emotional life. I don't want to feel like I'm responsible for being a perfect parent in every moment. I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed with advice. I am overwhelmed with information. There's a million different people's voices on Instagram flooding my brain with all these different things that are kind of conflict with each other. You know what is a good alternative?

• 4:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Fuck around and find out. I get to kind of sit right here on my chair and I'm gonna say, you know what? My kids can fuck around and find out and there's no information, there's no guidance. There's also understandably no overwhelm, no constant sense of dread and responsibility and logistics and getting it right and no sense of a barometer all the time judging me. I get that completely. And what I just want to say in this moment is it is completely understandable that parents want something where less is more. I agree. I recently talked to a parent who told me this really interesting thing. Oh, Dr. Becky,

• 5:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I've heard if things are stressful for my kid at 18 months at the dinner table, like, my kid is going to be a picky eater for the rest of their life. This is what they say, right? And this was one of many things like that. And, and my only question to this mom was, who's, who's they? And she was like, hmm, I don't even know. And what I said was just, look, I know you want me to respond about the picky eating thing, but I just, I don't want to be part of this kind of litany of voices. What it seems like you're saying is my brain is full of so much competing advice. I don't even know the name of the

• 6:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  person who told me this advice or this fear, but it is living rent free. And I feel like I'm always doing something wrong or every single decision has the power to dictate my child's future and the type of adult they're going to become. And she said, yeah, I feel like that's how I'm living in the parenting world. And honestly, we're, we're sitting at this kind of event together and I was like, I just want to give you a hug. Like that, that's really, really stressful.

• 6:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And that also gets us so distant from our own voice. I'm so worried about what some unnamed person told me is going to fuck up my kid for the rest of their life. I don't even know how I would want to handle mealtime. I don't even know what advice would or wouldn't feel right because I'm so kind of in consumption mode and so out of checking in with myself mode. Now, I have to say, no shade to fuck around and find out parenting doesn't really seem

• 7:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  like it's the best alternative because there's also kind of getting away from, well, what's going on inside me? What do I need? What do I want? Which doesn't mean more, more, more advice, advice, advice. But I guess I think that there's always a better option than two extremes. And if one extreme is more information, more voices, and the other extreme is kind of scorched earth, and if my child has to kind of step on top of a rusty nail to learn a lesson, so be it. I think that we can find something in between.

• 7:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I really know in my heart, good inside is in between. One parent in our membership said this to me the other day. You know what? As I've kind of gone along in good inside more and more, I noticed which kind of strategies or scripts I would throw out. I just would throw out. They don't sound like something I would say. And I can kind of take the principle from it, and I see it, and I kind of turn it into something I would say. And I'd say, amazing, that's literally the point. You are more confident. You are not overwhelmed with information. You also know what information to stop following on Instagram because you just know it doesn't resonate. And you also know that you can be a parent who feels empowered, where you're not constantly consuming information.

• 8:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But you're also not constantly just kind of sitting back and in some ways relegating your authority. Fuck around and find out parenting also kind of forgets, like, I'm in authority here. I have power. I'm not going to let my kid run to oncoming traffic to learn a lesson about staying on the sidewalk. And so I'm probably not going to let my kid step on a rusty nail to learn a lesson about wearing shoes. But the homework example is a good one, too, because I might let my kid forget their homework, not as payback,

• 9:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  or not because I feel kind of resentful of my role as a parent. I'm not going to act that out on my child. But I might do it because I actually kind of want my kid, when they're younger, to go through the experiences that are going to allow them to develop into a resilient, capable, confident adult. And I know it's a fine line. It's kind of this dance between helping and backing up, between saying, this is a situation where I'm going to step in, and this is a situation where I'm going to kind of allow and let happen

• 10:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  and witness and watch and be there for my kid after to help them come together and move forward. This is really what I want to kind of differentiate here, the intention. See, kids feel our intention more than our intervention. And maybe you're saying, what are you saying? So let me really break this down, because the same intervention, let's say, not putting my kid's homework in their backpack, will be felt very differently, based on what your intention is. If someone's intention is, my kid wants to forget their homework,

• 10:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  well, they'll see how that turns out.

• 10:59Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Then my kid is going to really feel like I purposefully was putting them into a painful situation and in some ways derive almost a type of joy or humor from their struggle. I promise you that does not build resilience in a child. What that leads to is a child who doesn't trust their parent, doesn't want to talk to them about hard things and doesn't feel like they have an emotional home base to come back to. That's not great. Now, let's go to the other extreme, which I also don't think is great. I promise you, we don't want to be parents of a 17-year-old who is responsible for putting their homework folder into their backpack. Not a job I want.

• 11:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I do want the job when my kid's 17 of knowing my parent is still there. If I get into a tricky situation, I can tell my parent the truth. I still want that job, but homework folder, rememberer, I don't want that job. So, one of the things I do ask myself when my kids are younger is just, how am I working myself out of that job? And I promise you, there's a way to work yourself out of that job that isn't from a place of almost joy or humor in your child's stumbles. What might that look like? Well, I don't think it looks like fuck around and find out. It might look like this. Hey, I want to let you know, I'm not going to be putting your homework into your bag anymore. But before I go any further, let me tell you why.

• 12:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I believe in you. And actually, in addition to doing your homework well, remembering your homework and figuring out a system to get your homework from your desk to your folder, to your backpack, is actually just really important in life. And so, part of my job is to help you figure out a system so you can remember. I've been noticing you've been forgetting it a lot, and then I've been doing it for you. So, if that stopped, what is the first thing we could think about that would just make it more likely for you to remember your homework? No, I know what you might be thinking. My kid's gonna roll their eyes. That's okay. I think we take eye rolling way too seriously. I actually think when a kid rolls their eyes,

• 13:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  what they're saying is, I'm finding the information you're giving me useful, but I also, as an independent person, just don't love the idea of getting advice from my parent. And so an eye roll is kind of a compromise I'm making to take in what you're saying while also maintaining my independence. And if we don't respond to the eye rolling, I promise you, your kid's gonna move right through it. And then you can say, well, what do you think? You're a smart kid. Is there anything you could like put on your wall? Or is there a note that you could write? That would make you kind of be more likely to remember putting your homework in your folder? I promise you, your kid's gonna say, maybe I could like put a post-it on my desk. And then you can say, amazing. Actually, you want to do that right now? That seems like a step in the right direction.

• 13:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And now all of a sudden, I'm not kind of setting my kid up for fuck around and find out. I'm also not setting my kid up to think I'm gonna remember their homework and their jacket and their shin guards and their water bottle for the rest of their life. Because I promise you, I have more important things to do with my time. I'm actually scaffolding a skill that comes from a place of both being intentional as a parent, not being obsessive, and actually working myself out of a job. So my kid can feel like, actually, I believe in them and can set them up for success. Not have the success myself,

• 14:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  or kind of knowingly allow them to be in danger. I think those are really the alternatives. I don't want to have the success myself. I don't need to pat myself on the back and be like, Becky, I remembered my kid's homework for them every day all school. No. But I think the alternative of kind of this sit back and just because it has an acronym, I'm telling myself, you know, oh, this is a thing to just purposely almost let my kid flail. Again, I just, I think there's something in the middle. And that's what we're really trying to do.

• 15:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space

• 15:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 16:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Now, let me just say, here's what I love about FFO parenting, or at least I like to put my most generous interpretation on it. I think teaching kids accountability is massively important. Okay, having a kid learn to pack their own homework, to put on shoes, to bring a jacket at least in your backpack when it's negative 19 degrees, these are important life skills. And I'm a big fan of teaching them to kids. I would actually go so far as to say, I actually think it's our job as parents to make sure kids get there. But I don't think we can teach accountability.

• 17:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Through shame, through kind of almost knowingly setting our kid up for a struggle. I think we teach our kids accountability by helping them develop systems to do things more independently. And for our kid to know, my parent can tolerate my struggles when I'm trying to do something independently. As opposed to my parent will step in and bring me success and perfection when I'm having a struggle. That's what we really want to get away from. And again, there's two extremes. How do we teach a kid accountability?

• 17:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Well, it starts with a struggle. One extreme is I give my kid success. That's not going to bring accountability. My kid's just going to think every time I struggle, my parent gives me success. In some ways, my parent is more accountable for success than I am. Not good. But the other extreme isn't great either. I have a struggle and my parent just kind of backs their way out of it. My parent isn't really there for me. I'm struggling because I'm a kid and I don't yet have the skills I need. And I feel overwhelmed and I don't have support. Support is different than solutions. We don't want to give our kid solutions, but we also don't want to withhold support.

• 18:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think that's kind of the dance we're all trying to figure out. Now, again, there's no way to do this perfectly. And if you're already having the, okay, so no solutions, yes, support. Okay, let's just pause. I think actually what matters more than anything else is our intention and our mindset. I like my kid. Struggling is important.

• 18:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My kid should feel that I see them as a good kid and I see them as a capable kid. And I have a role as a parent in helping them get to this more capable version of themselves than they can access in the moment. And that's probably some dance and I can check in with myself about which side I'm more on. I need to help a little bit and scaffold, but also not step in and just kind of make it all better all the time. And so I think if FFO parenting is appealing to you, the thing that really, really makes sense to me about that is maybe what that's saying to you is I am maybe more hyper-involved

• 19:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  in the details of my kids, kind of logistics and remembering things and moment-to-moment life than feels good to me.

• 19:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This is a good signal. Maybe I give myself permission, one moment at a time, one hour at a time, to do a little bit less. Your kids can still feel like you're rooting for them and like you're on their team and like you believe in them and like you do want to be there for them when they struggle without being hyper-involved or helicopter-y and without kind of zooming out or backing up all the way into just fuck around and find out.

• 20:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space

• 21:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 21:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, let me get this in before the end, because it's a share or a confession of sorts. Of course, I have moments with my own kids that I just want to say, you know what? Kind of done parenting. You guys just go figure it out. You'll kind of see how lucky you are to have a mom who's involved. And I feel so angry at them. And then I want to withhold all the good stuff that on other days I want to give them, because I've just reached my limit. Is this my own kind of FFO parenting moment? Maybe. And I think one of the things I've been reflecting on isn't so much whether FFO

• 22:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  parenting is a good thing for my kids or not, as much as what the appeal of it really just tells me about the state I'm in, what I need, how overwhelmed I feel. Often in those moments, how much I need to contact a friend or have dinner with my husband or work out or just do something that has nothing to do with my kids. And if I kind of rebalance those parts of my life, the resentment goes down, the anger goes down, and the ability to, I don't know, be present in a way that feels good goes up. And so maybe that's kind of the most important thing in general for us is when

• 23:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  we're noticing something is very, very appealing, or we suddenly want to reject something and run to kind of the other side, rather than looking at that and staying in that moment, almost saying, wait a second, what might be going on for me? Am I burnt out? Do I need to kind of rebalance the different parts of my life? And if that's what this episode has brought you, oh, that's what kind of my own journey has brought me as well. And if this episode simply brought you joy in hearing me say fuck a lot, then that was worthwhile as well. I'll talk to you soon.

• 23:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing.

• 24:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar.

• 24:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  MySkylight.com/Becky. You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support. Finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have fun with. That makes it so much easier to go back to work, or travel, or yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help, or just part-time help with morning drop-off, or

• 25:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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