226: Do's And Don'ts For Dating And Relationships

The dos and don'ts of dating and relationships, from the first date to years in. Sabrina covers what to do and not do before, during, and after a first date: stop the endless texting, set boundaries and non-negotiables, watch for reciprocity and consistency, and stop falling for potential and breadcrumbs. Then the relationship dos and don'ts: responding to bids for connection, communicating so your partner actually hears you, handling jealousy without surveillance, and keeping the dating habits that build a healthy, secure relationship. Come see me on tour! https://sabrinazohar.com/tour Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Product of the week! https://go.shopmy.us/p-87613153?s=sl1_pl1_cpl Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 Breadcrumbs and Bare Minimum Dating 04:22 Dating Dos and Don'ts Before a Date 07:18 Falling for the Idea of Someone 11:04 Big Conversations on a First Date 15:20 What to Do on a First Date 18:26 Why Texting Builds False Intimacy 22:36 Reciprocity and Consistency in Dating 25:25 Relationship Dos and Don'ts 29:11 Jealousy and Opposite Sex Friendships 33:46 How to Track Bids for Connection Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Flowing ad budget on metrics that look great till the CFO sees them? That's bull spend and marketers are calling it out in dashboard confessions.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  I remember telling my boss, it'll be good for the brand when leads were slow. Yeah, it, it wasn't.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  Cut the bull spend. LinkedIn lets you target by company, job title and more. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com/campaign. Terms and conditions apply.

• 0:31Speaker 02

  Low energy, unfocused, foggy? You might be dehydrated. Whether it's hot yoga, over 100 degree weather or too much sun. Gator Light with a specialized blend of five electrolytes was scientifically designed to help move fluids into the body faster for rapid rehydration. Shop now at retailers nationwide. Gator Light hydrates faster than water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.

• 0:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Tired of constantly getting bare minimum effort and breadcrumbs, but too lonely to say no. One thing I don't think people realize is loneliness is the price of having standards. Most people pay that in self-respect instead because it hurts less right now. And so these are those moments when you really have to ask yourself, do I genuinely think and believe I am deserving and worthy of more than the bare minimum in breadcrumbs? Because there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be alone physically and you can also still feel lonely in a room full of people. You can feel lonelier in a relationship where your needs aren't being met, where you're constantly feeling like you need more than you ever were when you were single. This isn't about just find a partner.

• 1:43Sabrina Zohar?

  This is about finding the right fucking partner. Because if you're so used to receiving bare minimum and breadcrumbs, then I challenge you to say this, I don't actually know if you're ready for a healthy and secure relationship. What are you going to do when someone tries to give you more if you don't actually believe you're worthy and deserving of more? At the end of the day, what you should do and shouldn't do in dating and relationships is really important, right? There's no rules. There's no, this is the only way to do it. But really where it comes back to is like, how much do you love yourself? You gotta love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. That doesn't mean that you have to have perfect self-worth in order for anyone to come in and love you. But what that does mean is that you have to have boundaries and standards and say fucking no and learn to grieve the ending of things because otherwise, baby, you're constantly waiting for someone else to validate you, which means you don't even validate yourself

• 2:28Sabrina Zohar?

  or stand up for yourself. And the reason that I think it's so important to call this to attention is because for so long I thought I just want a partner. I dated people that gave me little to nothing. They gave me breadcrumbs. They would barely text. They would barely call. They would barely make any plans. I was lucky if I even heard from these people or they'd come in with intensity and they'd spend days, if not weeks with me and painting this picture, all for it to fucking come crashing down and crumble and not actually amount to anything. And when I actually did meet somebody that was lovely and a great person, I said, okay, great, I'll take it after one night. Barely knew this person and I was like, okay, that's it. We're going to delete the app and we're going to be together and we started traveling and we did everything. And then nine months later, I was miserable.

• 3:11Sabrina Zohar?

  I was unhappy and not because there was anything wrong with this person, but because it wasn't just about I need a partner. It was about I need the right partner. Because again, you can be lonelier in a relationship than you ever were single because you're just sacrificing your needs just to say, I have someone there. So now you have to decide what it is that you think you deserve. And then you don't accept any fucking less. And I know I'm going to hear, well, it's easier said than done. Bitch, what in life is fucking easy? What in life worth it just comes to your door? I'm sorry, but maybe we're in a time where people haven't told you no or haven't told you that you don't always get what you want. Or we're in a time where you have to take accountability and ownership. Not everything is everybody else's fault.

• 3:54Sabrina Zohar?

  Sometimes it really is what we're willing to allow and how we show up on these dates, the expectations that we have, what it is that we're willing to allow. Because if you see a fucking pattern, then you have to start getting curious about what your part in that pattern is. And that's why I wrote a fucking book on it. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Friends, we're literally less than a month from pub date. If you haven't pre-ordered your book now, let this be your sign, baby. Mama God, make that New York Times bestselling list and we are still short of where we need to be. I need your help, my friends. Please order a hardcover so I can make the list. If not, baby, don't worry. Get an ebook, you get the audiobook, get whatever the fuck you want. I'm just grateful you're even going to read it.

• 4:38Sabrina Zohar?

  And remember you get a free companion course and workbook at sabrinaZohar.com/book. And I'm so excited, you guys, because you get to see me in London, you get to see me in San Diego. Unfortunately, the LA show, we had an issue with the theater and the date, so we are rescheduling that for December. So stay tuned. But my friends, I'm so grateful to be here. I know I haven't done intros in a hot minute, so thanks for being here. Don't forget to rate and review the show. We haven't had a review on, on Apple in a hot minute, so don't forget. Share it with a friend, put it in your Facebook groups, baby. We're growing this community together and leave a comment. Let me know where you are, let me know how you're feeling and let me know what it is that you need from me so I can make sure I can show up for you. All right, babes, without further ado, let's keep it going, right? Today, we're talking about things to do and not do dating and then in the relationship.

• 5:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Because last week, we had things to do and not do when you were single. And then next week, I've decided we're going to do things to do and not do during a breakup. I know, babes, it's breakup season. It's that time. We go through two major seasons and so I got you friends. But let's talk about dating. A first date is just to see if you even want to have a second date. It's not to assess if this is the love of your life. It's not to assess if this is the one or this is going to be the person that you're with. If you put that much pressure on a date, then you can't be shocked when you're either sitting on a fucking cloud nine after the first date and then it doesn't fucking work out, or you're constantly disappointed after because you're waiting for every stone that you turn to be the one, when these dates should just be, is this even somebody I want to see again? So you guys know what I'm about to say. If you know me well enough, you know what I'm about to say.

• 6:08Sabrina Zohar?

  Stop the texting bullshit before your date. That is a dopamine reward loop and a false sense of intimacy. We are not looking for somebody that texts you good morning before you've even met them or after one date. What we're looking for is someone whose words and actions align because when you start at 100, where else are you going to go? You can't be shocked at the person that texts you every single morning and made all these future plans, then starts to fizzle once they actually met you because you are no longer a fantasy. You are now a reality. So instead of blaming everybody else and being like, but why do they keep doing that? Maybe you can also set some fucking boundaries and stop allowing it so that people will stop wasting your goddamn time when you stop allowing them. Because what I want you to think of is, one, you're dating, right? And also, two, anybody that's listening, even if you're like, well, I'm not in a relationship. I don't need to listen to that part. You have friends that are. You're going to get into a relationship.

• 6:52Sabrina Zohar?

  Even if you're married, you can listen to this because you have friends that are dating? The whole point of this is that we become well-rounded people. And so that's part of it, right? As you guys know, I'm expanding this podcast and we're going to have different conversations and I can't fucking wait. We're starting to plan new things to evolve. Because yes, I want to help you in dating and relationships, but I want to help you in life. I want you to come home to yourself. Again, that's what this whole book is about that I'm literally getting disowned for. It's going to be great. Can't wait. And it's about you coming home to you, right? The episodes that do really well are when I help you guys come back inwards. And so I want to keep doing that because not everything is about the external. It's funny, somebody had asked me a question. They were like, I don't understand, why is all your content about us? Why aren't you helping me decode them? And I was like, because that's a fucking waste of your time.

• 7:34Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm like, no wonder you're sitting on the internet scrolling from TikTok and reel after reel after reel, waiting for someone else to validate your emotions, waiting for someone else to tell you that what you feel is real and waiting for someone else to decode someone else because you're so disconnected from yourself? You're more focused on why they didn't choose you than why it is that you even want someone who doesn't fucking choose you. Said with love. So we're not here to understand everyone else because sure, I understand human psychology, but I want to go beyond that because you have you. And so I want you to remember this, a first date, just remember if you want to have a second date, I want you to go in curious. I don't want you to go in trying to be chosen by this person because I've been there. I have gone on so many dates with these people. Like I'll never forget the date I went with this guy and he owned a huge, a huge coffee shop. Big, big, big, big one.

• 8:19Sabrina Zohar?

  You've seen it, you know it. And I fell in love with the idea of this person. I fell in love with the places he traveled, with the work that he did, with the fact that I had just started my clothing company. I was nobody. I didn't understand how a business worked or how a lot of things in the world worked. And we went to dinner. I've shared this. If you guys are OGs, you've heard some of these stories. And if not, welcome, baby. But we went out to dinner and we went to a jazz club after. We got drinks. We had a nice time. And like, he was cute. We had nothing in common. Didn't barely spoke, barely had even anything to even have a conversation about. But in my head, I was like, no, no, no. Look at his ex. She was beautiful. She was so pretty. She was a model. Okay, I have to get him to like me. I have to be pretty enough and hot enough because then we can have all of this. I fell in love with who he represented

• 9:01Sabrina Zohar?

  to me, not who he actually was. And that happens all the fucking time in dating. We go out and after he doesn't kiss me or anything, I walk home and I text him after being like, hey, I'd love to see you again. And his response was honest. I don't know why. And he said, I'm gonna be real with you. It was nice. You're a lovely human, but we literally had nothing in common. I don't actually think we're compatible. And I remember getting so butthurt and like trying to convince him otherwise, like performing, you know, I wasn't just gathering data. I was auditioning. I was literally trying to get this person to choose me. And I was dating all wrong. Because I thought, no, no, I just need to get a partner. Now that I'm in a relationship, holy shit, do I realize, you don't just need a partner, you need the right partner. What we think we want isn't actually what we need

• 9:44Sabrina Zohar?

  oftentimes. You might think you want the person with the big personality and that's super disciplined and that's all these things, until you date someone like that. And then you realize like, you're not a priority, or every room they walk in, they have to be the center of attention, or that they get up at 5am to go to the gym and they're up until midnight doing work means that you're probably not going to get a lot of their time. And same with like, if you want the cool girl or the person that's no drama, it's like, all right, that person might not know how to have hard conversations about conflict because they shut down. It doesn't mean that that's right or wrong. It's also about managing your expectations about what you think you necessarily want versus what you need. That's a really important conversation to have, because I thought I wanted a lot of things until now I realize, of course, are there aspects of my relationship that I wish were different? Sure, same with my partner, right? And he, there's a lot of the times that Ryan's like, I wish my partner didn't talk about work so much. I wish my

• 10:29Sabrina Zohar?

  partner might not be so anxious. I wish my partner didn't compare themselves so often. That's valid. But that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me. That just means that maybe the relationship is taking a different shape. Is what you're getting enough to grieve what you're not? It is a saying, I will, is a quote, I will say this all motherfucking day. But are you actually with somebody that your needs are fulfilled? Or are you constantly going to be negotiating those needs? Because somewhere along the way, that's what you learned you had to do in order to survive. Someone asked, when should I tell my date I'm looking for something serious? On the first date or later? Baby, I want you to always be honest. Let me tell you this. If you telling somebody on a first date that you want a relationship and that you're intentional with the relationship that you're building sends them running, the bitch, let me hold the fucking door open for them so that they don't waste any more of your time. If you can't actually just

• 11:14Sabrina Zohar?

  say what it is that you want without somebody getting spooked out, then I hate to break it to you, that's not going to change. That person might not be emotionally available or emotionally mature enough to understand that you're taking control of your fucking life, that you know what it is that you want and you're going to demand it. Stop being so scared of losing people. I'd rather you be more scared of losing yourself. Don't make it a commitment conversation, though. I hear this all the time of like, well, I want to know, like, do you want a relationship with me? And do you want one in the way that I want one? It's like, bitch, you think someone's gonna know that in the first date? I'm looking for a relationship isn't the same as I want a relationship with you. And I think it's so important. Take up the space. Talk about religion and politics if that is a non-negotiable for you. If you're like, I have to date somebody or be in a relationship

• 11:57Sabrina Zohar?

  with someone who believes in this specific thing, great, have a conversation about it. It doesn't mean that that person's 100% going to agree with you. I'm so tired of like, don't talk about religion and politics. Don't have the big conversations on a first date. Then you wonder why these people are fucking miserable or wasting their time. I've had people write in and tell me that it's been four, five months. They don't even know if the other person wants to get married or have kids. It's like, how much of your fucking time are you wasting? Now, you don't feel comfortable on the first date? Ask it on the second. But how much time are you going to waste before then you have to then find out that maybe this person and you aren't even in the same ballpark? Maybe that person has half a million dollars in debt and a crazy gambling problem. Baby, I'd rather you know that now. And I want you to remember, as my big brother said, the red flags you have in the beginning will ultimately be what ends the relationship. Don't overlook that.

• 12:41Sabrina Zohar?

  I had one of my girlfriends, she's going through a breakup. And in her journal, she wrote after the second date, he lacks a lot of depth, is pretty shallow. I don't know if this is gonna be enough for me. And then, shocker, six, eight months or a year later, when the guy is like, super limited, starts to pull the bullshit. And she's like, I don't get it. I'm so confused. I was like, are you though? Are you actually confused? Or are you upset with yourself that you didn't actually listen to yourself and see it? And that's okay. I'm not holding, I'm not shaming or blaming anybody. The confusion is usually a cognitive dissonance, is that the person you thought they were isn't matching with the person that they're showing you and you're trying to reconcile. That's why you're confused. You're not actually that confused. You know who this person is. Believe them. So somebody had asked, how to ask in a secure way, where is this going? I like you, but I need more

• 13:24Sabrina Zohar?

  than texting. Okay. So off the bat, you're wasting your fucking time. And I can tell you right now, you're asking me how to ask this in a secure way, which means that you are scared of taking up space and you're scared of saying anything, which also is why you're texting this person because you're not actually spending time with them. Because that's exactly why. It's never just one text. Then it's, well, they only text me once a day. Well, then why aren't they texting me? And why are they on social media? And why didn't they take this time to respond? Bitch, I want you to focus on how the fuck this person is showing up. I don't give a shit. Because think about a year from now, you're living with this person. Is the fact that they didn't text you good morning or every single day going to be an issue? Or is the fact of the issue going to be that they don't know how to communicate? They're not being honest. They're not being vulnerable. And they're not being honest with you about what it is that they want. I'd so much rather somebody that doesn't text me every single day than someone that texts me all the fucking

• 14:09Sabrina Zohar?

  time and doesn't have any intentions for more. So I want you to ask directly and early. You don't need to, you're not asking, so where is this going? What you do is, you, baby, you set a boundary. You set a boundary. Hey, I think you're lovely, but I want more than just texting. I'm not looking for a pen pal. I'd like to spend time with you. I'm really intentional with the way that I date and I want to see if that aligns with you. If they say, whoa, what's the pen? Where are we rushing to? And all that bullshit, then bitch, this ain't your person. You gotta get really clear on what it is that you are willing to allow. I want you to have a solid non-negotiable list. Non-negotiables can include, you gotta be done with your ex. I'm not your fucking rehabilitation center. Non-negotiables can include, you need to be growth minded. I'm not gonna take somebody that thinks that they're at the end of their fucking journey while meanwhile, I'm still

• 14:50Sabrina Zohar?

  on mine. You need to learn how to be vulnerable and open and consistent and reciprocal. Those are non-negotiables. And I want you to really take stock of the people that you're dating. Because if I hear one more time, well, at first they were, well, then baby, they're not consistent. Because at first doesn't mean they still are. And if it's at first, then they not been there and they're not right now, then, then what's going on? There's a disconnect. So I want you to remember, when you're dating and you're in this world, you are looking to see, do I like them? Do I like how I feel with them? Do I, is there a grave difference, right? The biggest sign that this is not healthy for you is that when you're with them, everything's amazing and it's incredible. And then when you're not, you're hell in a handbasket. That much of a divide between when you're with them and not actually has nothing to do with your connection. It has to do with the fact

• 15:33Sabrina Zohar?

  that you want to feel soothed by having them. Because we often obsess over people that don't make us feel safe. Because when they do make us feel safe, seen, heard, secure, and understood, you'll probably tell me that's boring because your brain doesn't have to fill in any gaps. Your brain is a predictive machine. And so when it can predict the outcome, it's less novelty than when it can't. Because intermittent reinforcement will always keep you on the hook a lot more than someone fucking secure will.

• 15:54Speaker 00

  Flowing ad budget on metrics that look great till the CFO sees them? That's bull spend. And marketers are calling it out. In. Dashboard. Confessions.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  I remember telling my boss, it'll be good for the brand, when leads were slow. Yeah, it, it wasn't.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  Cut the bull spend. LinkedIn lets you target by company, job title, and more. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com/campaign. Terms and conditions apply.

• 16:25Speaker 04

  Low energy, unfocused, foggy, you might be dehydrated. Gatorade Zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance in the body. With a clinically proven electrolyte blend and no artificial colors or flavors. Great tasting hydration, no matter where you're going. Shop now online or at retailers nationwide. Gatorade hydrates better than water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.

• 16:54Sabrina Zohar?

  So now let's talk about when you're on the date, right? Before the date, we're not gonna text a ton. We're gonna pace ourselves. And like, guys, as you know, I'm actually creating a new, an entirely new course, Love That Stays, about how to actually stay in something and keep it. There's gonna be so much more on that. And so hang tight, stay tuned. After the book, we're gonna have so many more great things. But this is why I create these courses. Because you can listen to this episode and you're like, okay, well now what? I'm in it. Now what do I do? And it's like, I got you. Stop going to ChatGPT. Mama's here. Okay. So let's talk about when you're actually on the date. Someone said, what should I do or not do on a first date and after? Remember, like we talked about, a first date's just to see if you want to have a second date. So have fun, right? Like, if you're not having fun going on these dates, and I don't know what we're doing, right? Then if it's just a job, then, then stop doing it. Take a break. You actually want

• 17:38Sabrina Zohar?

  to enjoy this. The process of, is this person right for me? Flirt. Start to ask questions, right? Flirting could even be a little bit of a like, I remember when I first met the guy, and again, right? He was, he was the only man in a all female class. And I walked up to him and I said, only straight guy in a women's class, huh? And he just looked at me and he was like, so you saw me fucking struggle? And I was like, oh, how could I not? Right? Like, I was flirty. I was playful. We had banter. Like, enjoy it. Ask questions. Share. But like, also stay attuned to, do they ask you questions back? I was at a dinner party the other night. Oh, my God. I'd never had this. And I was talking to somebody for 35 minutes.

• 18:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Never asked me one question, not one. And as a podcaster, right? I'm used to asking question after question. A coach, right? I'm always asking questions. But I also have ADHD. And so to me, small talk is very fucking boring. So after a while, when someone's not reciprocal with the interest, and I don't know what else to ask, after a while, you're like, oh, okay. I mean, what am I gonna ask you next about your trauma? Right? Like, I don't know where I'm going here. I've already asked you all about your career and where you lived, and have you liked the neighborhood? And do you own your apartment? And then, like, are you single? I'm going. Never once asked me a question back. I'm offering information. I'm dropping things. Like, I have a podcast, not going, well, tell me about your podcast. Saying I have a book. No, I have never asked them, tell me about your book, nothing. That's when I, if I were on a date, I would have said, oh, she is absolutely stunning, beautiful, lovely woman, not for me.

• 18:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Because I would have, in my moment, gone, I am not interested in somebody that only wants to talk about themselves, but doesn't actually get curious about me, because what would make me think that you actually want me there? So you're not interviewing this person. I want you to watch their behavior, not just listen to their answers. Don't data their answers, baby. And that's why it's so important to ask, how'd your last relationship end? And what did it teach you about yourself? Because if they start calling their ex crazy bitch, you're gonna be the next one. I want you to ask questions of depth to see if this person has depth. And if your response is, well, that's gonna scare them off, then are you actually ready to have the depth in a relationship? Good, I'd rather you get scared off because I have so much to offer, than me water myself down, trying to be what it is that you think I need to be. Enjoy the chemistry, but don't confuse chemistry for compatibility. I have been out with people that it was electric.

• 19:41Sabrina Zohar?

  It was electric. But attraction tells you very little about whether this relationship is actually going to work out. Because attraction's not, do you feel heard? Were they curious? Did I like who I was around with them? Do our actual lives, like, fucking make sense? Don't force it. Not all connections are meant to last, and that's okay. It's exhausting, right? You're getting excited and forcing it to work in order for it to start over. Versus, I'm gonna try my best, and if this goes anywhere, great. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. That's why I hate if they, like, you'll know, if not, you'll be confused. Dating is very confusing. You don't actually know, maybe, is this the right thing? Are we gonna see each other again? Are we not? But baby, you gotta live your life. Because if everything in life that's confusing or unknown is gonna cause you that much stress and anxiety, you'll probably never leave your fucking house.

• 20:26Sabrina Zohar?

  I remember too, I dated this guy. He was a photographer in New York Fashion Week. And he had taken one of my photos in, like, 2012 with me and a girlfriend. And we were texting all the time. And honestly, again, I just liked the idea of him. I wanted him to pick me. And we went out on a date. I was so bummed. This guy was so arrogant. And I remember, like, he was the daddy type, right? Which is, I'm like, it's not necessarily stemming from a healthy place. When you want someone to dominate you like that, take it from personal experience. Hey, you can have a kink. Enjoy it. But like, I'm talking like this. And I remember, we went back and, like, we had talked about doing sexual stuff, right? And I wrote a check, I had to cash, I had to cash it. You see what I just said? I thought I had to, right? I didn't believe that I had autonomy and freedom. And that's why it's really dangerous to set things up before you get there, and then you're wondering where the fuck that person went.

• 21:11Sabrina Zohar?

  I remember just, he was dominating in a way that made me very uncomfortable. And I was scared to speak up. I was scared, I was scared. And I remember he left, and I felt so shitty. Oh, I felt awful. Never saw that guy again. Never saw him again. I was just what he wanted for the night. And imagine me, we were texting every single day for weeks, and he's traveling the world, and I created castles in the sky to literally never see this guy again. And speaking about my slutty New York days, do you like, oh, my new shirt? When I went back to New York with Ryan for the press tour, that I got sick as a dog in, that was great. I went shopping, and I got to go back to my roots, and I got to get all my fun stuff. I actually went to that store, Trash of Vaudeville, on 7th Street between A and B. Go support local. I love that place. They have so much good shit. And my old punk days. And it was fun.

• 21:55Sabrina Zohar?

  I got to walk around and show Ryan all of my old New York days. And it made me cry, it made me feel, but man, I've come so fucking far, and I'm really, really proud of myself. And that's it. That's where I'm gonna end it at. You're allowed to take up that space. You're allowed to look at old you and be like, fuck, yeah. Because if people said your twenties are your best time of your life, that you haven't gotten to your thirties. Just from what I've been told, the forties get even better. So, your time hasn't ended. Just allow yourself to grow, evolve, and change. Okay, let's get back to it. Let's talk about after the date. I want you to evaluate them. I don't need you to immediately evaluate their interest in you. Leave, and ask yourself, did I like them? What did I learn about them? Did anything give me pause? Was there anything that, like, take stock, write it down.

• 22:40Sabrina Zohar?

  Do I want one more date? Stop jumping straight to, do they like me? I want you to show interest, but I don't need to start playing games. If you wanna text them, fucking text them. Security doesn't mean you pretend you don't care. What we wanna look at here is, am I showing up authentically? Now, for me, I never really text in the beginning, because I used to so much that then the pendulum swung. But I waited for Ryan, right? Like, we all know, when I met Ryan, we went out. Like, I would, I would wait for men, and then there would be guys right after, and be like, hey, had a really great time, would love to see you if you're good, and if you're interested, and if not, all good, it was great to meet you. And sometimes they were back, and we're like, I think you're lovely, it's not a connection. I'd be like, great, thank you so much, I'll see you out. Ta for now. Because I release control to the outcome, right? I detached from the outcome. I figured if I'm, if I can't just be myself, authentically myself,

• 23:24Sabrina Zohar?

  not the anxious part of myself that wanted the reassurance, authentically myself, then what's the point? And now we have to remember, like, let consistency build. Let consistency build that intimacy. Don't let potential build intimacy. Great texting isn't a relationship. Chemistry isn't a relationship. Three amazing dates isn't evidence that this is the fucking person, or that you know them. I need you to stop filling in the blanks and stop falling for potential, because I need you to evaluate what exists today. Go slow. I know you wanna rush into titles and exclusivity, but do you even fucking know this person? Every day of like, oh, is it too quick for after the first date, or the second date, or the third date, for us to be exclusive? Baby, what do you know about this person? Do you even know their middle name or what they're allergic to? But yet you wanna stop dating anybody else and just be with this person?

• 24:08Sabrina Zohar?

  Then at that point, you're not seeking connection, you're seeking safety. You're seeking that you don't have to sit in any kind of discomfort so that you can be assured, and I know you're gonna yell at me, but bitch, don't. I know it, cuz I did it. I know it, cuz I work with people every single day that do. When you're really secure, and same with my avoidance, right? Anybody that's listening that's like, oh, I'm a little bit more avoidant leaning, you trying to make this, da, da, da. Just allow yourself to sit and be loved and to receive. I know that sounds easy, but that's why we wanna slow it down. Allow your nervous system to acclimate and sit in some discomfort. All right, I didn't hear from them for a day. That doesn't mean it's fucking over. I want you to pay attention to reciprocity. You don't need to carry the connection. How often are you initiating versus them? Who makes the plans? Who follows through?

• 24:50Sabrina Zohar?

  Are you getting to know each other, or are you keeping this entire thing alive? Are you overperforming? Are you over-functioning? Are you try, I've heard that. People say, well, if I don't reach out to them, I know that I won't hear from them. Then bitch, what are you fucking losing? What are you losing? If you don't reach out, then you never hear from this person again, then you are now just hoping that this person's gonna choose you, because you ain't choosing yourself, baby. I don't want anybody in my life, whether that be friends, family, relationships, where I have to do all of the reach out, and they don't ever contact me. Then that's not reciprocal, and that's gonna constantly make me feel like I'm a kid again. And I need you to keep your life. Don't reorganize it around someone you barely know. Have your friends, and your work, and your hobbies, and your routines. Do a fu, build a life. You would love to live no matter what. I don't need you to abandon yourself because someone cute appeared.

• 25:34Sabrina Zohar?

  The biggest thing too, don't stay because you're afraid of what won't happen. The fear of being single keeps people settling all fucking day. I want you to stay single because you have chosen to stay single, because there hasn't been anybody that you believe is the right person for you. And if that's not this person, that's okay. There are almost nine billion fucking people on this planet, and you think this one person's it? You think this one person that you met on a dating app randomly on a Tuesday night while you were taking a shit in your bathroom is gonna be the love of your life? I hate to break it to you, it's probably not going to be. There's a possibility it could, but that's the point of life. You don't fucking know. So stop showing up as if every single person has to be the one, because you're only disappointing yourself. So, tool of the week for my dating folks. We're gonna get into relationships, we're gonna cruise into it. I want you to have the post-date three.

• 26:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Before asking your friends, or analyzing their texts, or any of that shit, what did I learn about them? How did I feel around them? And do I know enough to want one more date? Not, are they my person? One more date. And all of this stuff is foundation setting, right? The habits you build in the first three months are the ones that you have at year three. Nobody renegotiates those later, right? That's what I'm saying. Like, somebody that's not open and not communicative, and doesn't wanna have a conversation, isn't gonna all of a sudden, two years in, be like, you know what, today's the day. I'm ready, I'm ready. Let's start getting deep. If you perform to be chosen, you will keep performing. If you never said what you needed, you don't suddenly start, right? You're probably gonna be scared, or then it's gonna be, well, they think I'm too much, right? If you ignored the first red flag, you already taught them what you'll tolerate.

• 27:02Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't just drift into a good relationship from a bad start. You just get more invested in that same dynamic. That's honestly why I love working in the dating world less than the relationship world. I love working with people, and no matter what. But that's why I'm like, I don't touch marriage. No, no, no, no, no. By then, you're already fucking too deep in your shit, and sometimes there's not a lot to do, right? Sometimes it's like, hey, you wanna find a therapist that can help you just get along with it, that's fine. But I love helping people start a solid foundation so that you just keep doing that. There's nothing different between me and Ryan this time versus three and a half years ago, besides the fact that we keep doing what we've always done. When you're in a relationship, I want you to turn toward the small stuff. Don't wait for the big conversation. So, you guys knew I was gonna come with a study. The Gottmans. Couples who stayed together responded to each other's small bids

• 27:47Sabrina Zohar?

  about 86% of the time, versus couples who divorced, about 33%. And yes, don't worry, I'm having James Sexton on, Art in New York to study divorce lawyer. We're gonna talk about so much more of this. He's coming on in a couple of months, I'm so fucking excited.

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• 29:28Sabrina Zohar?

  What's a bid for connection? And that, I remember when Ryan and I first started dating, that was a big thing. We went to the arcade to meet us friends. And my rigid little asshole at the time, we were doing something and we got like a few tickets, right? And we went to the counter and I bought, I got these little bracelets. And I said, "Do you want one?" He went, "Nope." And I felt so, I hear him laughing. I felt so deflated. And I remember going to my therapist and she goes, "That was a bid for connection. You were trying to connect with him over something and he dismissed you." And when I went back and explained that, he didn't get it at first and he was like, "Oh, oh, that's why you were so upset." Right? And now, then he understood. Whereas now, there's these little moments, right? It could be like, "Hey, look at this.

• 30:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh my God, I had the weirdest day. That's a bid for connection. You're trying to connect with your partner." Five to one, positive to negative during conflict is the stability line. So unanswered bids stop coming. Then people blame and they start to wonder if it's the silence instead of actually what caused it, which is the fact that you didn't necessarily feel like your partner was picking up on that. Sometimes, like, all right, we've talked about that. If I'm like, you know, babe, can we please go out to Home Goods? And he's like, "You know what? Fuck it, let's go." Or when he does that, like, I can't tell you how amazing it feels when Ryan will just be like, "I know you've had a really hard day. Let's go do this." And I'm like, "You saw me. Thank you for having a bid for connection." Even if it's like, "Babe, we're gonna go for a walk. Come outside." And I'm like, "Thank you." Those bids for connection go so much further than you ever think they will. So I want you to remember that. Right?

• 30:57Sabrina Zohar?

  When you're in a relationship, you still want to date each other. You have got to still date your partner. I don't care how long you've been together. You want to know why most relationships die? Because you stop trying to get to know them. The person that you met isn't the person that you've also necessarily become in the relationship. Get curious. Have space for the person that your partner is trying to become and also share who you are trying to become. That's the difference between couples who grow together versus couples that grow apart. What do I do when I feel like I'm not being heard and I try to communicate? So we have to remember, not every partner's gonna hear you the first time. You can make a request, but that doesn't mean you have to deliver a complaint and expect it to land as a request. Maybe you tell your partner, "Can I share something with you?" When I try to communicate with you, I feel unheard. Right? That's the wound. That's what you're saying. "I feel unheard.

• 31:41Sabrina Zohar?

  I feel like you don't really pay attention to me. I feel like you're not listening to me." Name the behavior and name the want, one sentence, right? And then see what they do with it. That's your information. It's the same as when we talk about our dating skills. Moving forward, I would love if maybe you put your phone down so that you could actually hear what I'm saying. Or could you repeat it back to me so that I know that you heard me? If you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't give a fuck about what it is that you want to need and doesn't care about how their impact on you makes you feel, then I don't know why you're with that person. Because somebody that cares about you cares about how they make you feel. Someone that cares about you cares about how they speak to you. And someone that actually fucking loves you cares about how they show up for you as well, not just how you show up for them. Think about becoming the partner that you so desperately seek. It's not just about what you can receive in a relationship, it's also about what you can give.

• 32:26Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, this one's a big one. I know that there can be insecurity about a partner that has friendship with the opposite sex. Same thing with the social media anxiety, right? What's healthy and what's not. You're allowed to name the specific behavior that hurts, but you're not allowed to legislate their contact list. Maybe it's, "It bothers me when you're texting your friend at midnight and I don't know what it's about." You can work with that, right? If they're like, "Okay, what bothers you about that?" Well, it feels secretive, right? You've been telling somebody you can't have female friends, that's a rule. Rules don't build trust. Rules just, you're just moving the problem. Because at the end of the day, it's that you don't trust that person, not that they have female friends. "I am, sorry, I never understood that conversation." I would never want my partner to only have one perspective. I would never want my partner to only listen and hear from one type of person. That's an echo chamber.

• 33:11Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I want you to ask, "Am I asking for security or am I asking for surveillance? Am I asking because I genuinely want to..." Okay, cool. Right? You can have your friends, good luck, Godspeed. Or am I asking because I'm constantly monitoring because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm waiting for them to hurt me and I'm waiting for them to leave me? Listen, I'm not saying that you should just trust everybody, but if you're in a relationship with this person and you don't trust them, what are you doing? The same with the retroactive jealousy thing. Notice what you're actually comparing yourself to. Their past is the reason they know what they want. And wanting to know more about it and I'm constantly asking, it's not gonna get you relief. You're just gonna have new questions and then you're gonna compare yourself. That's really what this is about, is that either you don't think that you're good enough, that you're as worthy, that you're as... Because as far as I'm concerned, their past is their past for a reason. And if I'm gonna compare myself to their past and I'm gonna start getting jealous

• 33:54Sabrina Zohar?

  of their exes, it's like, what are you getting jealous of? The part of them that's no longer there? The version of them that no longer exists because the person that you have is the one that exists? And I know, right? Once you start, after you get out of the honeymoon, honeymoon phase, things are gonna drop. Like, things are going to, because at that six to 12 months is when the chemical rush wears off and you find out who this really, this person is. That's why I'm a big fan, travel early with someone. Listen, if you're fucking this person and you're sleeping with them and you're having slumber, slumber parties, don't get me this bullshit that you don't feel safe to fucking travel with them. Right? I'm sorry, like, go somewhere local. But see someone in a different environment. Go on a trip. Go somewhere local. I fell in love with Ryan when we went to Joshua Tree for the first time, or Palm Springs, and we did this little trip. Because it allowed me to like, see the, the fun and the, the different aspect of life

• 34:38Sabrina Zohar?

  that we were having together and that we could have. So I want you to see people in different environments, feeling weird. Six to 12 months isn't a verdict. It's when effort stops being a feeling and becomes a choice. Right? This is why the foundation is so important. Because you can start being, all of a sudden you're in a relationship, it's the same skills. It's the same skills. Dating is doing that with someone you barely know. A relationship is doing all this with someone who can hurt you. That's what makes it feel very vulnerable. When you're in a relationship, have the hard conversations. Remember that your partner isn't against you. You guys are together. You're part of this. You're a team. And so I want you to remember, like, I want you to have fun and levity, but a relationship, whoever told you a relationship isn't gonna trigger you is lying to you. Relationships are gonna trigger you.

• 35:22Sabrina Zohar?

  They're gonna hurt, you're gonna have conflict, but I want you to have regulation and repair. I want you to have comprehension. I want you to make sure that you guys are aligned for the same life that you both want. Do you want marriage and kids in the same way? Do you see finances the same way? Do you want to live the same type of life? It doesn't mean it has to be 100%. Are you active and they're not? Does that work for you? Once you are in the relationship, that's when you start to really see, because then it's also a mirror for yourself. Relationships are gonna show you all the wounds that you still have. We hurt in relationships, but we also heal in them. Relationships are gonna give you corrective experiences. Relationships are gonna give you moments where you're like, "Oh my God, in the past I would ask for this and be told I'm too much and now this person listened and validated me? Holy shit." You're allowed to do that. Relationships are going to be the time where you get to see how much you've grown.

• 36:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Because now, we're gonna talk about next week is, if you go through a breakup. Things to do and not do, because that's a biggie. That one I could talk about, I'm writing my second book right now on a lot of this stuff. That's what we're gonna talk about. But relationships are meant, right? Have these conversations. Have code words. "Hey, to avoid resentment, can I share?" Understand, your partner is not gonna be the, your partner can't satisfy all your needs. You need community, you need friendships, you need to have different relationships with people. You have friends that maybe know things your partner doesn't. That's okay, it's not, you're not holding a secret, they just see a different side of you. Maybe you tell them things that your partner shouldn't know, because you're a human and not every, not one person should know every fucking thing. You're telling your partner to show you their phone and you're going through it, you're, baby, what you look for, you're gonna find. So I want you to actually assess, "Am I in this relationship because I care about this

• 36:48Sabrina Zohar?

  person and trust them, or am I in this relationship because I just don't want to be alone?" So, product of the week, my babes, and then we're gonna go tool of the week for my relationship friends. This pebble is gonna change your fucking life. I am telling you. This thing, now, it's a big bulky girl, but it looks pretty, right? It sits on your bed. And that thing has changed our sex life. Whether you're dating, you're in a relationship, doesn't matter. It elevates your hips in a different way and you can use it, you could do different things. Game changer. Game changer. Because me and Ryan have the bouncy ball, we have, we call her Bali. And that's the big yoga ball. And sometimes, she's real fun, don't get me wrong, I'll talk about her another day. But Pebble, Pebble changed it. It's a little bit of a splurge, but what's nice is you can leave it on your bed. It looks decorative too. And then when you have your boo come over, you're like, "Hey, hey."

• 37:32Sabrina Zohar?

  I can't recommend Pebble enough. Because intimacy is, is not the necessarily the easiest thing and, and just stuffing a pillow under your hips is not the same. Trust me when I say that, this Pebble is going to change your sex life. Thank me later. Tool of the week, babes. All right, this is our bid for connection. I want you to start to look, how many times they reach for you? How many times they say, "Look at this." Or, "Had the weirdest dream." Or, "Oh my God, look what the dog is doing." A sigh, right, from across the room, those are bids. And they're small on purpose, that's what makes them easy to miss. It's because this person's trying to see if you attune and it's subconscious. I want you to then look and see how many times you actually respond. Responding means you looked up from your phone. Or you answer, you go, "Hmm." You know, you turn your head, hm? You okay? Right? That's it. It doesn't have to be a conversation. And I've had that sometimes.

• 38:17Sabrina Zohar?

  Ryan, Ryan's obsessed with FIFA and it's, it's, it's getting in the middle of our relationship at times. Um, because fantasy football is coming too, and I'm really not looking forward to it. And I'll say stuff and it's sometimes even just him putting it down and looking up and being like, "Oh, I love that." Means so much because I'm like, you're paying attention to me. Right? It doesn't necessarily mean it has to be a conversation, but nothing, I can't tell you, nothing drives me more insane than when I say it. And, right? This person's not responding. They keep scrolling. Or you snapped because you were in the middle of something, right? Like, it drives me insane when I'll say something and he's just silent. And I'm like, "Did you hear me? Did you hear me?" "Yeah." And it's like, then fucking acknowledge it. But, don't tell the person you're doing this. The second they know, they're gonna perform, right? And it's useless. Count for one day. You'll quit by day three. Doesn't mean to be a week. You're counting for yourself, not for them.

• 39:02Sabrina Zohar?

  And the reason that we do this is because the Gottman put couples in an apartment lab and coded every one of these moments. At the six-year follow-up, couples still together had turned towards each other 86% of the time. So this is the study that I was talking about versus the 33%. The content of the bid, that didn't matter. Look at the bird. Right? It was not about the bird. It's about, "Are you here with me?" And that's the thing. The unanswered bids, they stop coming. People who don't get them, they're not gonna keep doing it. And so eventually, that's where then you start to erode the relationship. And then start to look at your number. Most people are shocked by it. You're not trying to fix anything right now. Just become more aware because maybe the way your partner's trying to love you is different than how maybe you love them or how anyone else has loved you.

• 39:47Sabrina Zohar?

  That's okay. Babes, we had a long episode today. I gotta fit a lot in. And you know what I'm also learning? I need to stop kidding myself as if I don't have enough to talk about. I could've made this two episodes, but here we are. I love you guys. See? That's me having my own shit. I am so fucking excited. My book is out in a matter of three weeks when this episode hits. Holy fucking shit. If it's after October 13th when you're listening to this, it's out. I cannot beg you enough. Please preorder the hardcover. Please, please, please. Share it with all of your friends. We have thousands and thousands and thousands upon thousands of people that listen. We do not have that many orders. So I know you're fucking listening to this and I say this with love. Please order the book. It's gonna fucking help you. It is game-changing. If every single person let, listen to this podcast, preorder the book and potentially one for their friend, I would make the New York Times selling list instantly. So I'm begging you.

• 40:31Sabrina Zohar?

  We're going on tour and the book is available worldwide. Check it out on Amazon. Go to your local bookstore. Support your locals. Leave a comment, rating, review. Share it with a friend. Review the book five stars when it comes out. Thank you, my babies. And thank you for being here. I love you guys to the moon and back. You are the absolute best. And because of you, I get to be here. And I don't take that lightly. Mwah, mwah. I hope that is. Until next week.

• 41:00Speaker 06

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