227: How To Actually Handle A Breakup…

How do you get over a breakup without making it mean something is wrong with you? In the final episode of the Things To Do and Not To Do series, Sabrina breaks down what to do and what not to do during and after a breakup, from why no contact matters (and why it shouldn't be used to make your ex miss you) to how to handle the urge to text your ex, stop ruminating, and accept that closure is a decision you make, even when you never get the conversation. She also covers processing anger and grief, moving on from someone who broke up with you months ago, staying civil with an ex you work with or co-parent with, and seeing your ex on dating apps. Whether you got dumped or did the dumping, this episode will help you stop tying rejection to your self-worth, let go of who you hoped they would become, and heal after heartbreak without rushing it. Plus, Sabrina shares her tool of the week, the unsent letter, a simple exercise for releasing what you never got to say so you can finally move on. Come see me on tour! https://sabrinazohar.com/tour Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Product of the week! https://sabrinazohar.com/product-details/product/69e909bae71ea81b10c2a97c Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 How to Handle Getting Dumped 03:12 Don't Make a Breakup About Your Worth 06:34 Why You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex 09:08 Processing Anger and Grief After Breakup 11:48 Breakup Withdrawal and No Contact 14:30 How to Walk Away From an Ex 17:23 How to Get Closure After a Breakup 20:08 When You're the One Who Ended It 22:15 Seeing Your Ex on Dating Apps 24:42 Unsent Letter Exercise for Heartbreak Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sabrina Zohar?

  I have been dumped. I have done the dumping and it is not fair or fun for anybody going through a breakup. I don't know one person that's like, oh my God, I love dating somebody so that I could get dumped at the end of it. But that's a part of life, right? Not every person that you meet or that you go out with or that you have a relationship with is meant to be in your life forever. And that was a big game changer for me. When I learned to grieve the ending of things properly, it allowed me to release control the outcome, right? Every single day I'm rejected. I, I understand rejection is really tough. And there's a lot of us that are struggling and we are in breakup season right now. Every single client I'm having is coming to me because something is ending, right? The summertime wave is done, sun's out, buns out. We're getting into cuffing season. People are realizing, I don't know that I want to bring this person into the next season with me. I'm about to go into the holiday parties.

• 0:43Sabrina Zohar?

  Because don't worry, baby, the next wave will be after Valentine's Day or right, right around then, when people start to realize, I don't know if this is the one I want to bring into summer. Like it's cyclical and that is part of life. And I was going through my texts recently. And I found a guy that I was really into. I'm probably was 24. And let me preface, I was a hot fucking mess. I hated my job. I didn't really have solid friends. I didn't know who I was. I was so desperate for someone to choose me and someone to pick me and someone to love me. That I wasn't actually even choosing myself or being discerning or seeing things for what they were. Like you said, jump, I said, on who? I went out with this guy maybe three times. Like it wasn't anything major and he was like a big high up in, in finance, right?

• 1:25Sabrina Zohar?

  That's the New York version of our, our fuckboys too, is we have the finance bros. I was looking through the texts and I, I had sent him and said, you know, I like you. I'm enjoying our time together. You know, is this something that you would take seriously? And he wrote back and he said, I've really enjoyed my time with you. I think you're such a lovely and amazing person, but I need to be fully transparent. I want to date somebody that's more established in who they are and in their career. And he said, I, I totally understand this is there's a lot outside of your control, given your age and where you are in life. But for what I'm looking for, it just doesn't align with the partner that I want and the life that I'm trying to build. And I remember being so sad and so bummed and me like, but you just didn't give me a chance and da, da, da. But do I understand what he meant? A hundred percent, a hundred percent. Now 12 years later, 12 years later, who am I? What?

• 2:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Wait, 24. Yes, I could do math. I was like, oh girl, you're trying to be cute. You're not 32. 12 years later, because I could do math. Now being someone so established in their career and really, really driven and goal oriented. I could understand meeting somebody that you're like, you are such a lovely person, but we just don't align. And I think that's the hard part, right? This today, we are talking about what to do and not do during a breakup. Whether that be during it, after it, right after it, it doesn't really matter. But we will start with stop internalizing everything to mean that there is something wrong with you. Because it's funny, I was in therapy yesterday and I was telling my therapist how I've struggled with friendships all of my life. And I'll be fully transparent. I fucking hate LA. I fucking hate this place.

• 2:53Sabrina Zohar?

  And not because of the place, the people here. You will go, it's like dating, you go and I'll have these like incredible podcast or meetings or I'll meet somebody at a dinner event or something like that. And you're sitting and you're talking and you're jiving and you're having so much fun and you're like, oh my God, like, did I like maybe make a new friend? Like this is so exciting. And then sometimes it'll be, oh my God, let's swap phone numbers. Oh my God, let's go on a hike. Let's do something. And then you never hear from that person again, ever. I was explaining this to my therapist and she said, well, it's interesting. You, you tell me about how you show up for people, how you're so giving and loving and you do everything that you can. And then you get disappointed by how they show up. And she's like, but instead of looking at it as, well, their morals and ethics don't align with the type of person I am. You internalize it to be something wrong with you. And it's like, well, why? Because then I have control.

• 3:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Because if I can make it about me, well, then I can control why this isn't working for me. But then sometimes you really do have to acknowledge and say, I don't, I don't really care their why. If there was something wrong with me, somebody by now would have told me, I'm sure. But you know what I am going to say? It's not mine to own. If these people are that shallow and that inconsistent and that closed minded and that difficult to build a relationship with, then are these people that I, are these anybody I want in my life? As somebody who literally wrote the book on it, I understand how your core beliefs can start to shape the way that you view yourself. But I am here to let you know first and foremost, do not make the breakup mean anything about your worth. Who the flying fuck is this stranger? Is this person, I don't care how long you've been with them or not, going to tell you who you are?

• 4:20Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, my friends. Welcome. Oh babes, okay, we're going to get right on into it. But before we do, we are two weeks away from pub date. So please let this, let me just share this into perspective. I need a little, a minimum of 10,000 hardcover copies to make the New York Times bestseller. If every person listening to this show right now bought the book, I would make it instantly. That's how many of you guys are here. And that's how grateful I am that you show up every week, but I need your help. This is where I need your help. Please preorder the hardcover. You get a free course and workbook for the next two weeks as a thank you for preordering at sabrina zohar.com backslash book. But this book is a game changer. I read it. If you got the audio book, but please order the hardcover.

• 5:05Sabrina Zohar?

  If every person right now orders it, give it to a fucking friend. If you don't read a goddamn book. But just please, I beg of you, if I'm going to be disowned, I want to make that goddamn list. And some housekeeping. Don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend and follow along. A lot of you guys come in from social, you'll see a clip, you see something once and you watch one episode and then never come back because maybe you don't know what's coming up next. And maybe you don't know what the future holds, but every single week we come back here to build this community together. So subscribe so you know when the next episodes are so that you could be part of it. And it's not just a one and done, baby. Because unfortunately that's not how healing works. So I got my friends. We've got a bunch of new things coming and I will announce those after the book. But for now, please preorder the book, rate and review the show, share it with a friend. And don't forget my last PSA, I'll be on tour. I removed our LA show. I promise my babes, I will let you guys know.

• 5:49Sabrina Zohar?

  We're trying to book a New York show, like we're trying to book some more stuff, but right now we have the UK available. We're going to add another show. So October 6th and October 7th and San Diego at Warwick's, October 27th. Come out and see me. You get a signed book. If you come, I know you guys are asking how to get a signed copy. We have no idea. We're trying to figure that out because logistically it's a bit of a nightmare. But for right now, if you come and you see me in person, whether that be in London or in San Diego, I will sign your book. I'll give you a photo. I'll give you a hug. I'll give you a kiss on the cheek if that's what you want. Ideally not. I'm a little bit of a germaphobe, but I'll air kiss you. And I love you guys. Thank you for coming out and supporting and I can't wait to hug you guys. It's going to be incredible. So sabrina zohar.com backslash tour. Get your tickets, get your book, come out and see me and let's fucking do this together. All right. Without further ado, let's get on and do it babes. Breakups.

• 6:34Sabrina Zohar?

  It's funny, when I was doing the series, originally I had single dating relationships and then Ryan was like, hey, Zohar, what about breakups? And I was like, duh, duh, duh, duh. You're right. Breakups are such an important aspect. So let's talk about things to do and not to do. So things not to do. I'm going to start with, don't do what I did in the beginning of my book where I texted somebody 173 times because he tried to end it with me. I understand breakups suck and I know that sitting in the discomfort feels really overwhelming and like you really just don't want to do it. But eventually you've got to learn that you need to see this for what it is, not for what you want it to be. The reason so many people get stuck after a breakup isn't because the person was so fucking amazing and so incredible and so special. It was because of the story and the narrative that we've created about why this didn't work out and what it is that we are thinking about ourselves.

• 7:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Start to actually challenge the thoughts and the narratives that you are creating. They were the one. What made them so special? I'm never going to find anyone else like them. Really? Somebody that ignored you, somebody that didn't respect you, somebody that made you earn their fucking love? You're never going to find that. I want you to start to be realistic about who they are, not who you were hoping they would become by the time you were done with them. And the reason I think breakups suck even more is because look at the pain we put ourselves through, right? Like think about it. Somebody could get dumped and they go, okay, well, hey, this person wasn't for me. And then you went get dumped and all of a sudden you're holding a handbasket and you're holding on to this person. Like we have to really hold and look at what is the narrative and story that I am creating about this person? Nobody wants to get dumped, right? I don't know anybody that's like, yeah, this is so fun. I can't wait to be rejected.

• 7:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Rejection is redirection. Just because it didn't work out with this person, doesn't mean that there's not somebody amazing down the street waiting to fucking meet you. But the more you hold on to the wrong person, the more time you're staying away from the right person. If you choose you, I don't really give a shit if they don't. I am so sick and tired of everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it doesn't. Stop trying to make everything a lesson in your life and instead maybe sit in the way to the fact that this fucking sucks. That you're bummed it didn't work out, that you really liked this person and they didn't want to be with you or they didn't want the same thing as you. Not everything has to be for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you needed to realize how amazing you are as a person. And that just because they don't choose you, doesn't mean that you don't also choose you, baby. So somebody had asked, how's the, how to process anger? Underneath anger, typically speaking, there is a primary emotion, mad, glad, sad, happy.

• 8:41Sabrina Zohar?

  And so for maybe for some of us, it's that you're really, really bummed. You're allowed to be angry. You don't need to aim it at them. You don't have to try so hard to get the closure from them. And I just need them to hear me and I need them to validate me. I get it, right? But that's a lot of childhood core beliefs because think of it this way. Did you have caregivers where you could do that? Were you able to be open, honest and transparent with the people that hurt you in childhood? Probably not. Anger is grief with somewhere to go. Grief needs an outlet. We need to be able to sit in it. It was so funny. I had my client this morning. He's going through a breakup. And he kept saying, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't want to cry. And I finally said, but maybe if you stopped apologizing and you allowed yourself to feel this, maybe we could actually move forward. And so I forced him with sheer will and love to sit for 90 seconds.

• 9:25Sabrina Zohar?

  And he bawled in a way, I don't think he's cried in years. And at the end of our session, he said, I've never felt lighter. I feel heard. I feel seen. I feel understood. And I said, but you did that. It wasn't me. I was here to guide you, but you did that. You saw yourself. You heard yourself. And sometimes anger feels better than sadness. Because we really want somewhere for to funnel this, because feeling sad could also feel helpless. And feeling sad could feel like, I don't know what to do with this, because maybe growing up, you didn't. But if you actually allow yourself to feel the emotions, the weight of it, and not try to make it a lesson, not trying to understand them. Every time you go into, well, why didn't they want me? And why aren't they choosing me? And why didn't they text me back? And why are they ignoring me? And why are they doing this? You're just avoiding dealing with yourself. Anxious folk are avoidant. I will say this all fucking day.

• 10:08Sabrina Zohar?

  My anxious babes are avoiding doing the work and the deeper work on themselves. That's why you focus so much on why they don't like you. Because if you have to stop focusing on why they don't like you, you then have to sit with the fact that, do you like you? Do you choose you? Do you love yourself? Because if your answer is, oh, of course I do. Don't lie to me, baby. It's literally, I call you guys out that in the book. We all have that knee jerk reaction of, look, of course I'm worthy and deserving. It's like, but then if you were, you wouldn't put up with this shit. If you really believed that you're worthy and deserving, you wouldn't allow people to treat you like this. I know I have my worth, because who I am intrinsically is my worth. That doesn't mean that that's how much money I should make. That doesn't mean that that's how much I should be loved. That means that I know what I deserve. And I think for a lot of people, we sit in anger and we stew in feeling upset and grieved and slighted

• 10:50Sabrina Zohar?

  and all of these things, because it allows you, someone else to hold accountable instead of yourself. I want you to look at the story when you think about your breakups. And I want you to ask yourself, who am I talking to? And that was one thing my client kept saying, but if somebody loved me like this, why would they hurt me so bad? And I asked, who are you talking to? Who's saying that? Because a good portion of the time, it's a part of you that really needs you to fucking love them, that needs you to see them. You're so busy trying to get everyone else to love you, that you have forgotten how important it is for you to love yourself. You're so busy trying to get everyone else to see you, that you don't realize how important it is for you to see yourself. Because when you do, that's when your life will change. Not when somebody else comes and gets you, but when you fucking save yourself. Someone else had, how long do you sit and maul things over versus powering through by keeping busy? I want you to keep busy, because you're living your life.

• 11:35Sabrina Zohar?

  But I don't want you to use busy, so that you skip over feeling what it is that you're feeling. Distraction manages pain, but it doesn't allow you to process it. So if you don't sit with it, don't worry, that shit's still waiting for you. I think it's important to understand that you are allowed to be sad. Any of your friends saying to get over it, you can tell them to go fuck themselves. If anybody tells you to get over it, you just tell them, I'm on a different journey than you are. But that also means that you have to allow yourself to process it. We have episodes on, am I ruminating or am I processing? So feel free to go back to that. But I need to prep you. When you go no contact with somebody, and when you don't have somebody in your life anymore, you're going to go through a withdrawal. That's what makes the breakup so tough. You had this person every day, and now you don't. And that's why you want so badly to talk to them, to text them, to hear from them, because it soothes the anxiety and the disconnect, and it gives you more dopamine.

• 12:20Sabrina Zohar?

  But that's why when you look at your phone and you start to count how many days it's been, and you're looking at how long it's been since they answered you, and you're looking at every single thing, you are dripping yourself dopamine, because you're still keeping it alive. You really want to move on from this person? Stop looking how long it's been since you've spoken to them, and start looking at how long you've been accepting their low effort bullshit in a way that doesn't work for you, and how much better you fucking deserve. Because I want you to go no contact. But I don't want you to use that as a strategy or as punishment. Because you don't go no contact to make somebody miss you. You do that so that you can stop finally and really accept this breakup for what it is. You do this and you go no contact, so you can withdraw from this person, so that you can come to a clean slate, and then you can assess, was it actually about them?

• 13:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Or was I holding on to a story and narrative about myself? And I understand breakups are really tough, and they can hit those core wounds, and they can really get underneath the surface. But I think every time you have the urge to reach out to them, I want you to name what the urge is for. I want you to be honest. I want to be soothed. I don't want to be uncomfortable anymore. I want to know that I was chosen and validated. I want this person to tell me that it wasn't my fault. I want to be saved. I don't want to be uncomfortable anymore. It's almost always never about them. It's about wanting the discomfort to stop. So write the text, but don't send it. Put it in your phone. Send it to your girlfriend or your boyfriend. Tell your friends, hey, I'm about to text my ex, but I want to text you instead. Because more often than not, it's not about your ex. Because like Mama Zohar always said, you're so focused on what if,

• 13:48Sabrina Zohar?

  but if you actually focused on what is, you wouldn't need to focus on the what ifs, because if you had that person here, you wouldn't be asking what it would be like if you did. That's a tough one to sit with. But when you focus on what if so heavily, you're not seeing what is. And when you can't see what is, then you're not being discerning, and you're still living in a fantasy. You keep telling me, I'm so confused. I just don't understand how this happened. I don't actually think it's that you're confused. I think there's a cognitive dissonance. I think who you thought they were isn't who they ended up being, and now you're trying to reconcile with the difference and the gap. And oftentimes, that's why we're so stuck. Because it's not even about them anymore. It's about the fact that maybe you didn't see it, or that maybe you allowed it. So sit in that and stop trying to make it about somebody else. So somebody had asked, how to find the mental strength to walk away? He broke up with me seven months ago. We're in contact still. Baby, ain't nobody gonna fucking do this for you.

• 14:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Ain't nobody gonna do this for you. That's like being like, well, how do I find the will to go and exercise and eat well? It's like, you gotta be sick and tired of being sick and tired to make a fucking change. Cut it clean. Stop holding on to people who have shown you consistently that they don't want you. This person broke up with you seven fucking months ago, so let me be the person to let you know. They broke up with you. They're not that into you. They don't want this. They're not choosing you. Accept it, feel it, and then move the fuck on. Stop making this mean anything about you. Stop making this mean that there's something wrong with you. And stop making this mean that no one's ever going to choose you. Because at the end of the day, you're hoping that they take your fucking pain away, but you're not actually willing to sit with it, face it, and allow it. Staying available, you're just the option, not the choice. And they're just saying, oh, well, they don't actually mean what they say.

• 15:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Because they ended it with you, and you're like, well, I guess that's that. I guess I just have to stay. It's like, no, you know, you're allowed to block people. You know that you're allowed to set boundaries. You know that you're allowed to not look at their social media, because every time you do, you reset the clock. You're reopening the shit over and over and over again. Yes, I said you. You might not realize, you get a choice in this. Just because you didn't get to choose the breakup, doesn't mean that you don't still have a choice in what happens after. You don't have to stay friends with an ex. You don't have to fucking stay in this person's life. And I know that you're gonna be like, but they were my best friend. Well, you don't need another fucking friend that you fucked, okay? Sometimes it's okay to say, they might have been my best friend for that season, but my best friend wouldn't treat me like this. And if that was my best friend, well, then maybe I can say, maybe one day we could be friends. Maybe one day we can reconnect, maybe one day.

• 15:56Sabrina Zohar?

  But I need you to stop holding on to the idea of people, right? That's what you need to not do, is hold on and think that, well, but somebody asked the other day, this person treated me so poorly, but if they go to therapy and they do the work, and maybe they change over time, do you think it could work? And it's like, baby, this is no longer even about them. You're hoping that somebody comes back for you. Because then you didn't actually even love the person that they are, because you loved who they could become. And I get it, you guys ask all the time, like, what do I do? How can I go no contact if I still work with this person, or I have to see them? Couple of things. One, learn from this. Stop fucking people you work with. Stop dating people that you wouldn't be okay seeing if it didn't work out. That's the first thing, right? The second thing, you gotta limit and define the time that's spent and how much contact you are willing to allow before you're in the same room with them.

• 16:39Sabrina Zohar?

  What I mean by that is, just because you work with someone, doesn't mean that you need to talk to them about the relationship. Logistics only, nothing nostalgic. Nothing after 9pm. Civil and unavailable is allowed. You are allowed to say, I will talk to you just about the work stuff, but I'm not going to talk to you about the relationship. I'm not talking about how I am. I'm not talking to you about anything besides what we have to do. And that's the thing, you can't change that. It's the same with if you have kids with somebody, and you're like, but how do I go no contact? It's like, you only talk about the children. You only talk about the things that still tether you together with this person. They live in your building, you don't even have to fucking say hi. They're air with a name at this point. You can walk by and do the little head nod and keep fucking walking. You don't owe this person anything. You're broken up. You guys are done. Allow that.

• 17:23Sabrina Zohar?

  And I know, a lot of you guys will ruminate, and you're trying to solve the breakup, and you didn't get any clarity, and you're in no contact. But you know how you actually do that? Accept that it's an incomplete story, that you don't need to solve it. Your brain treats a missing explanation like a problem. It's a loss. You can have every answer and still be sad, because answers were never the thing. The answer was never what was going to let you free, what you do with it is. So maybe the answer is, I don't have closure. I don't have an answer, because this person couldn't even be a fucking adult and give it to me. Closure is a decision. It is not a conversation. If you have somebody that was refusing to give you closure, and they won't even have a conversation with you, you have to remember, their version is built to make them feel better, not to actually acknowledge what happened, because that would require accountability. You know your truth. Stop waiting for them to fucking validate it.

• 18:06Sabrina Zohar?

  The person that hurt you isn't the one that's gonna heal you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I know a lot of you guys are trying to figure out, like, is it avoidance? Was it this? Was it this? Take ownership of your half, but don't audit theirs. I understand, you want to give this rumination a vocabulary, right? Of like, oh, well, it's because they were avoidant, and they were this. You know what matters? None of that. None of that bullshit matters. None of it does. What matters? What did I allow? What were the red flags? Maybe I didn't see. What were the green flags that I did? What did I enjoy and what did I not? What are things I used to accept that I'm no longer willing to? You don't have to figure out their attachment style. But you know what you can figure out? If it worked for you or not. And then moving forward, what you're willing to accept and what you're not. You're allowed to miss people. You're also allowed to acknowledge that they're not right for you.

• 18:49Sabrina Zohar?

  You can miss somebody, but you don't need to read missing them as a sign. It's okay, right? It was real. It's still over. Both of those can exist. And I know, a lot of you guys are keeping hope. And you're hoping that, well, maybe things will come back, and maybe they'll da, da, da, da. And my gut is telling me that this person's gonna come and choose me. Grieve it. Don't hold the door open. Hope releases dopamine. Hope is giving you the maybe, maybe, maybe. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they don't. And you know what doesn't matter if they come back or not? Because the reality is you do this work, you start to heal, you start to see them for a real person. You start to take the shine off of them. What makes you think that you're still gonna want them? And one thing I see often is a lot of you guys will say, well, after they became the man that I wanted them to be, or the woman that I wanted them to be. But we don't actually know if that's true.

• 19:34Sabrina Zohar?

  We don't know about that because when somebody's in panic that they lost you, I want you to see what happens when that wears off. Don't reward the exit version of them. If somebody is only good because they lost you, then that's because it's fear, but that's not actually change. Because I want you to look and say, am I seeing them for who they are, who I wanted them to be? Right? I want you to notice when you're living with a version of them in your head, and then I want you to make this real. What do I have to quantify all of this? And I think that there's a real grief when you're the one who ended it as well. It's not just that you got dumped. So if you're the person that ended it, I need you to hear me and I need you to hear me well. Leave them the fuck alone. Stop texting somebody because you're like, oh, let me see what they're doing and how are they and maybe and maybe and maybe. No, baby. Leave them the fuck alone.

• 20:16Sabrina Zohar?

  If you have broken up with somebody, unless you make a come to Jesus 180 moment and you're like, I am ready to be that person. I'm here. I fucked up. I am so sorry. That was a rookie move. Then bitch, you better fucking stay. I do not want to all of a sudden see where you're like, well, they did it again. And I get it, right? When you feel the grief, when you feel like you messed up, let regret teach you something, but don't pay for it forever. Don't pay for it forever. Guilt on a loop is self punishment. That's all you're doing. And I know that sometimes where there's the breakups, right? Where you're like, ah, there's nothing wrong with this person. You're allowed to leave still, but it doesn't mean that you need to make them terrible to justify it. It wasn't right is a complete fucking sentence. And you can doubt that after, but that doesn't mean that the decision was wrong. And I know that sometimes people will beg,

• 21:01Sabrina Zohar?

  forgive yourself for hurting somebody. You're allowed to say, listen, I know this is gonna hurt you, but don't make it the story about who you are. I get it. Somebody might, if you're begging somebody, baby, I need you to hear me. Stop begging someone to choose you. When somebody ends it with you, don't send 173 texts like I did. Allow them to say, this didn't work for me. And then allow yourself to say, I'm bummed, but that doesn't mean I need to convince you to choose me. And after a breakup, take the time. Take the fucking time. Allow yourself. Allow yourself the space to say, I'm gonna reconnect with myself. And then when you're ready, go when you're curious, but don't go to prove something. There's no fully healed to date again. You're never gonna be fully healed. I don't give a shit who you listen to on the internet that tells you that they healed through all of the shit that doesn't exist.

• 21:46Sabrina Zohar?

  If you're going to feel better about it, then feel better about it. Right? But I want you to look at this and say, am I dating because I'm ready to get hurt again? Which is a possibility. Am I dating because I'm ready to get curious again? Am I dating because I really wanna see if this person has the bandwidth and the capacity for what I need? Am I ready to let somebody else in my life? Or am I doing this to prove a point because I'm scared I'll be single forever? Because I don't wanna be alone? If you're running away from fear, it's always gonna chase you. But when you're running towards a goal, you know that you can walk calmly and quietly towards it because what's for you won't pass you. And I know, right? The hardest thing is after, when you see them on the dating apps, mute them. But don't measure your worth against their timeline. How fast someone moves on says how much they can be alone with themselves. And maybe they've processed this differently. I know that's the hard thing to hear. But, you know,

• 22:31Sabrina Zohar?

  sometimes when someone breaks up with you, they've been thinking about this for a minute. And that, and I, I know, I hear this all the time of like, oh, I was blindsided. It's like, were you actually, or were you just not seeing it? Because a good portion of the time, like I got a girlfriend that went through a pretty shitty breakup. And she kept trying to blame him and I was like, I'm not gonna let you do this, dude. I was like, I'm not, I'm sorry. I said, you wrote in your journal how this person didn't have the bandwidth and the capacity for what you needed after date for. And then now you're sitting here telling me how, oh, but they were the love and they were the one and I'm just so heartbroken. It's like, no, no, no. I think you're more upset with yourself that you didn't see it, that you didn't understand it, that you didn't accept this person for who they were and you were hoping they were gonna change. That's okay. You're also allowed to be sad that it ended. Like, I'm not taking that away from anybody. Grieve it, mourn it, but don't let this mean anything about you. And that's the biggest thing.

• 23:14Sabrina Zohar?

  Stop telling all of your friends every single fucking thing. Have your core group of people that you trust. Talk to a trusted counselor, a therapist, a coach, I don't care. Talk to somebody that you feel safe with that could be objective. Stop using ChatGPT to get over a fucking breakup. ChatGPT is a coddle machine. It is prompt driven. Notice every time you ask chat, then if you challenge, it'll be like, you're right. Because it's not meant to challenge you. Even when you tell it, look, challenge me, it's like, it's a machine. It does not understand heartbreak. It has never had its heart broken. It doesn't understand being on the floor crying hysterically, having heart palpitations because that person walked out on you. So stop turning to other things to tell you it's okay for you to be sad. You're allowed to, but you also don't need to make this mean anything about you and your worth. All right. Product of the week, shameless plug, my candle.

• 23:58Sabrina Zohar?

  I only have four left, so I wanted to share that with you guys. It's a custom scent. They're handmade in Santa Monica by Blow Me, my favorite candle company. Ah, they smell so good. I chose it. It's white oris sandalwood and leather. Leather, baby. Too lit for bullshit. There's only four left, so get it now. It's brinazaro.com backslash merch. We have new merch coming. I'm photographing it this week, babes. I'm so excited because it's gonna be really sick. But get this before they're gone, my friends. And every order includes a free tote because I really wanna give you guys a fun little gift as a thank you. So please, please don't forget to support the show in any way, especially you guys that are ad free. Thank you so much. I know four dollars a month might not seem like a lot to you and maybe it is. And I am so grateful for that. So thank you for being here. Cause it's like you get me a cup of coffee every month and I'm so grateful. All right, let's talk a tool of the week.

• 24:43Sabrina Zohar?

  The unsent letter. I want you to write the whole thing. Everything you'd say if they would allow you to just sit there and fucking take it. I want you to write what you're angry about, what you'd want them to admit. What do you actually miss specifically? Not the highlight reel. One sitting, don't edit, don't send it, don't soften it. Hey, hope you're well. And then I want you to put it away and in two weeks I want you to reread it. And I want you to see how much of it was for you. Most people never get the conversation. Everyone can write the letter though. And so I want you to really just let it out. And then in two weeks, give yourself the grace. Give yourself the grace of in two weeks and then start to challenge it. And like, oh shit. Yeah, I was really, I was going hard in the paint. I was really, really attacking this person.

• 25:24Sabrina Zohar?

  And now that I've had space from this, I've actually realized like, they didn't necessarily do anything wrong. Or I was looking to villainize this person because it made me feel better. That's okay. You're allowed to. I, I have struggled through breakups before. I understand that. But what makes a relationship healthy is that you know it can end at any time. And I've shared that with you guys a million times. If Ryan and I broke up tomorrow, I would be sad because I'm human. But I wouldn't allow it to mean anything about my worth because we're two healthy adults that would make a choice and a decision together. And we'd have a conversation about it. Because I know that I've chosen somebody that would do that with me. And so it's okay if you see that this person is not that person. That doesn't mean that it's about you, but it is about looking and saying, what did I maybe not see about them? And what if I've been normalizing and excusing this whole time because I didn't wanna see it?

• 26:07Sabrina Zohar?

  And maybe they really are amazing and maybe it just didn't work out. It doesn't mean that either, there's no one that's good or bad. But I am appreciative of anybody that at least tells you the honest truth so that you could be free and get the life and the love that you deserve. All right, babes, the end of the series. We loved it. Let me know what you thought of the series. And then I'm open. Any other series ideas you guys have? Pop them on into the chat. Let me know. Babes, we're two weeks away from the book. Please don't forget to preorder, preorder, preorder, preorder. Tell everyone you know, if every single person listening to this ordered, I would get instant New York Times bestselling author. So it takes 10 seconds. Please go to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, any of your local bookstores. It's worldwide. You can order it from any country, for the most part, not all, but like for the most part. And just thank you. I'm so grateful for you guys. I genuinely just don't know what I would do without you.

• 26:52Sabrina Zohar?

  And I'm so, so proud and honored to be here with you. Because we're all in this together and I am still learning how to grieve the ending of things and be okay with breakups. But I want you to remember, do feel it. Don't make it mean anything about you. You got this, my babes, and I'll see you next week. I love your friends and I can't wait to see you on tour. Bye, friends. For now.