Giggly Squad
Hosted by Hannah Berner and Paige DeSorbo
Original podcast
WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
15,316 words · 10 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
Cozy season is upon us, which is one of my favorites. I love a chill, crisp morning and I love opening the window and like feeling it on my face. I also love when it's raining and you're having a movie marathon. And that's why you also need Bombas to make your comfiest fall staples. Go with all your favorite fall things. So you can make the most out of one of the best seasons of the year. Like the new suede moccasins are perfect for fall with cushy soles, a sheerling lining, and water-resistant suede. For every item you purchase, an essential clothing item is donated to somebody facing housing insecurity. Bombas truly is the best and I've replaced all my socks with Bombas. Head over to Bombas.com/gigglysquad and use code GIGGLYSQUAD for 20% off your first purchase.
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I was thinking about how women have so many little things we have to do when we're getting home that you have to be aware of.
Like so many people have my location.
And you have to share your ETA, you have to check the route, you have to text everyone I'm home.
And if your friend like doesn't text you, oh, you got home, you're, you're calling the FBI.
Yep, yep. And we joke about it because it's so normal to us, but you're constantly paying attention. Even when you're exhausted and just want to get home, your brain still has to be on. You're like, is this guy going the right route? Am I in the right place? Who's around me? What's happening?
Yeah, there's truly no clocking out of your safety.
And that's why riding in a Waymo feels different. It's an autonomous ride with an empty driver's seat. So, once you get in, you have this private space that's actually just yours.
And you know, I love alone time and I truly feel like it's such a luxury in a Waymo.
Especially after being social, like I love everyone, but like.
Please, nobody speak to me.
Like, give me 20 minutes. I want music, the right temperature. There's no compromising and you can customize the ride, put on your own music, answer texts you ignored all night, stare out the window. You actually have a minute where you're not thinking about everyone else.
And that's the thing, it's not even necessarily about doing something. Sometimes it's just, you want to sit there and not speak.
And put your guard down for a second and feel safe.
Which truly women deserve.
We deserve to disassociate safely for 20 minutes.
Yeah, I mean, put that on a T-shirt for real.
And obviously, safety is a huge part of why that feeling matters. Knowing Waymo's safer, there's something refreshing in having that space where you can just be yourself and let Waymo handle the driving.
And we spend enough of our lives being on.
Exactly.
We don't need to be on in the car.
Getting around shouldn't require so much mental energy. And if this sounds like your ideal way to get around too, download the Waymo app and use code GIGLY to get 20% off your next two rides. You can check out the full terms in the app.
We love a discount.
And if Waymo isn't in your city yet, head to waymo.com/gigly to sign up and help bring Waymo to you. This episode is sponsored by cars.com. I feel like your car says a lot about you. It's transportation, storage, and honestly, kind of a personality test. Maybe you need something for weekend road trips, something you can actually parallel park in the city, or just enough trunk space for an emergency outfit and backup shoes. Personally, I like options and I'm very specific. So this is where cars.com comes in. Cars.com has the tools that make your car shopping way less overwhelming. With more than 200 advanced search filters, you can narrow things down based on what actually matters to you. Deal badges help show how fairly a vehicle is priced, so you can browse with more confidence and fewer chaotic tabs open, which I think we can all appreciate.
Start your search with cars.com. Where to next?
Sup, Gigglers?
Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.
Manifest that shit.
We can't be managed.
I mean, the day just got away from me.
Hi, Grace. Thanks for hopping on on a Monday. I know. I know, it's hard.
It's okay. It's like not what I expected for my Monday, but it's fine.
Where is Paige?
Hey.
Are you aware that there was a Zoom?
Paige, we've had this Zoom scheduled for two years.
Sorry, it slipped my mind.
Well, thank you guys for hopping on this official Giggly Squad business meeting Zoom. I just have like some important things we should talk about before the new year.
Our first ever.
Yeah, our first ever meeting we've had and the whole company's here, so that's great. Are we forgetting anyone?
Grace, do you want to introduce yourself?
Yeah, Grace, what do you do for the business?
I'd rather not.
Okay, perfect.
Okay, do you want to send us an email of things you've done this year so we could review it?
Yeah, I'd love to. I'll get right on that.
Okay, great. And I'm sorry for making you guys meet on Monday. I know it's like Mondays are like, ah. Um, shoot, I forgot what I was gonna say. Like, I forgot the point of the meeting.
Peace and love.
Guys.
Love and light.
Come on. He's out 2025.
Oh, well, that's literally why I brought you guys here. Paige, I have to pitch you an idea. And I think the Gigglers will like be really excited as like a gift for the new year.
Yeah.
This is kind of crazy, though.
Okay.
Like, like, life is never gonna be the same.
Okay, I'm nervous. What do you think about us doing next year? Two episodes a week?
Like, is that crazy?
No, I kind of love it. I just, my first thought is like, how are we telling the Gigglers? Like, what are, like, what are we?
We have to hire a full PR company to do like a whole thing, you know?
Yeah, like, I, I feel like there's like different, like, it has to be like innovative.
Yeah, it has to be like never before seen type of like marketing.
No, like, when guys want to impress you that sometimes they have that app on their phone where they can change the color of the Empire State Building.
I've never heard that before.
There is like an app and like sometimes guys will be like, I can change the color of the Empire State Building.
They're lying to you.
So I've seen the app before, like I've seen that you can do it.
What if we did something like that, like we change, like we took the Empire State Building?
I mean, I kind of love that Grace. Do you have any contacts at the Empire State Building?
It feels like a little bit above my pay grade at this time.
Just like send an email.
I don't know, but then also like what's global. So maybe like, do we want to do like something with like Australia? Should we go to us?
Go to Australia.
I mean, like what other podcasts do when they're like promoting?
Announcing something?
What like has, I can't think of like any other podcasts.
Like when you think of, um, like what's a podcast?
You're smartless.
When you think smartless, you think men, right? So it's like three men talking. What are they saying? No one.
Men stuff.
So I feel like when you hear the word giggly, you think laughing. You know, so I think it all needs to be focused on laughing.
Should I like? Yeah. Should we like, should we do like a musical? Like a comedy musical?
What if we did like some type of flash mob situation?
Oh my God, that's so 2013. I'm obsessed.
And it's like, I'm not, we're not proposing to someone. We're just proposing an idea. You know, like it's a proposal idea.
Oh, you get on one knee. Who proposes to who? You or me?
It's us proposing to.
The gigglers.
So we fly everyone to one place. Everyone's together.
Okay. So we go to Australia, do a flash mob.
It's out of the box.
How long is the flight?
It's a long. Like three, four hours.
Should we bring our moms?
We will need probably some parental supervision at some point.
Yeah. And like, do you think we should have, like, should we get stuff on a plane? Like, when the plane is going to Australia, should it say, like, two episodes, two episodes for giggles?
Or we we all buy two cats and we're like, what does this mean? Two.
Okay, rewind, rewind, rewind. Forget the plane, forget Australia, forget the flash mob. We all get another cat and just start showing, like, we do Snapchats. Do people use Snapchat?
It's the second cat. What is that?
Second cat, second cat, and we wait for them to guess why we have so many cats.
Two cats.
Yeah, I think that's perfect.
I think that could be really cool.
Okay, I have to run it by Dez, my husband.
Every family.
Maybe the second episode, it's like we go rogue and it's all about centering men. And like, we're like the leading forces in curing the male loneliness epidemic. You know, just something so off-brand.
Okay, I feel like that might be too out of the box, but I love you think, I love like your thought process right now. Cause to be the number one podcast in the world, we have to think outside the box. But I feel like that would get us canceled.
I think sometimes wearing a towel on my head like warms my brain and like my.
Your juices are flowing. Yeah, the serums on your face are like really working. Grace, do you, you haven't talked much. Do you have anything to bring to the conversation?
Share your screen or something?
I actually don't know how.
Perfect.
But I'll definitely, I'll definitely like learn that for the next meeting.
Have you been, have you been taking notes?
Oh, for sure.
Okay, good, cuz I forgot everything we said.
I'm not texting, I'm taking notes.
Are you online shopping?
It's, it's really none of your business what I do in my free time.
Okay, so we need to tell the gigglers it's two episodes.
It's two episodes, starting in the new year, Tuesday it comes out and Friday it comes out.
Yeah, cuz Tuesday is like the week started, you need to giggle, and then Friday you're like, am I, am I going crazy?
And I think that's like the theme of the second episode, like, is this crazy? Like, cuz it could be anything.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Should we, like, talk to a scientist about like making, like, clones of us? And then like we do like a Pan and Page trying to things get cloned, and we show up and it's two of us, and then we're like.
Reinforcing.
Two episodes and everyone's like.
We just like, we do IVF and we have twins.
And that's actually, that's so much, makes more sense. Wait, Grace, do you have any contacts with like, um, IVF scientist clone people?
I do. I've been like waiting for you guys to ask about this.
Okay. For the second episode, like, should we have guests? Like, should we, like?
We have social anxiety, so that makes me nervous, but like if the gigglers are obsessed with people, like, we could probably get Grace to message.
Someone.
Someone to come on. So if the gigglers want people, we'll listen, but it's basically like, only if we really need to.
Yeah. Okay, cool. I think like we literally just circle back out of Christmas and like.
Okay. So do, did we have, do we have a plan? Like, did this make sense, Grace? Do you know what to do now?
Yeah, I have, I feel like we have a lot of plans and like, we're just, I think we just execute all of them.
Is that too much on your plate? Cuz I know it's like the holidays, Grace, and I think you're with your family right now, and I don't wanna like.
Not at all. I'll actually like, we could have another meeting on a Christmas day.
It's Christmas morning, okay? For for sure. Like, okay. Yeah. Okay.
Okay, before we go, just like this, my cat.
Okay, amazing, Daphne. Oh, yeah. Can you like paint the number two like on her and have her just kind of walk around New York?
Totally.
Yeah, like a pink.
It's like, it's different than like, oh, we're putting something on the sidewalk. It's like, we actually have live cats.
No. A hundred percent. Like, when in doubt, use your.
They're not straight cats. They're actor. They're starving artists.
They're paid actors. She is paid pretty well. She's on. She's part of the company. Um, okay, Grace, thank you for leaving your family. Um, I think we have a like really good plan and I hope the gigglers are excited. I'm nervous.
Okay, see ya.
Good luck with your skin. Happy holidays. Love you guys. Bye. Thanks for listening to our quick Zoom and I hope you guys are excited for the new year. And our present, happy holidays. We're officially going to two episodes a week. Starting next year. Um, and in the meantime, here are all our favorite moments from 2025.
Actually, think about how many gay men there had to have been in the 1700s.
They're all gay. I mean, capris were trending.
You think a straight man did capris?
They wore wigs whenever they had a meeting.
There was someone that was like.
Unnecessary.
Wait, what about a high sock?
They were ballet flats.
Someone said, wait, let me put a bow. I think that'd be adorable.
Also, they were like, I don't want to write without a feather at the end of my pen.
Someone was like, did you see George's curls? Like, no, literally, get a proper blowout.
Straight men with a full blowout and then writing with feather pens. It's giving Legally Blonde.
No, it's.
Then their signatures were, I'm sorry, like so gorgeous. I've seen my brother write his own name. He looks like a fucking four year old. These guys are writing like in John Hancock. That's a gay signature.
How'd you even get that last name? That was around the time where you could pick them yourself.
Also, hot take, only men are allowed to go to war. It's giving golf trips. It's giving you guys all just wanna go hang out and fight each other. And then they love their accessories when they go to war, too.
No, the colonial men were kay. Did you ever go tanning in high school, like to a tanning bed?
No.
What?
I'm not from Jersey, I'm from New York City.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, seriously?
That's why my skin looks so good.
Oh my god, Hannah. You've never walked into a tanning bed with a girl who literally is orange with her hair up like this, being like, "Do you need goggles?"
Tanning beds in high school were my religion, my life.
How often did you go?
We went every single day after school. I literally got so tanned one year, I was like neon, and my mom like started crying. She was like, "You're ruining yourself."
Wait, maybe that's why people don't give me cocaine, because I could tell that like I didn't do tanning beds. Maybe it's a correlation.
There is a tanning bed cocaine by law.
I should really give you cocaine in the tanning bed.
New reality TV series. Where's your tanning place, receptionist? Now.
Actually, fuck Vanderpump Rules, I wanna see the drama that goes on in a tanning salon.
A lot, and you could tell, you could cut it with a knife during prom season. You could literally cut it with a knife.
Would you get a sticker, like on your lower hip?
I always wanted to because they're so cool. But my mom would've lost her fucking mind.
Oh, the cancer was fine, but not the sticker.
Yeah, yeah. We're still in vain households, okay, let's not get it twisted.
Wait, do you think less or more of me?
I'm not sure.
Once you give birth and you are in the state that you are in, like this baby's just come out of you, your stomach's still huge, I can imagine that in that moment, you know if you married the right person or not.
Mic drop. But I wonder how many people had the thought before they got married of like, I don't know if this is the right guy. And then right when they had a baby, it was like, this is definitely not the right guy.
It's literally post baby clarity.
Yeah, like you get post baby clarity.
You're at like your most vulnerable form of like, I, my body just went through trauma.
Yep. I need someone to love me for me because I don't look the way I know myself to look.
Take care of me. And no, well, that's why I think when people say, oh, we were struggling. So we want to have a baby to bond us closer. It apparently like makes it worse, but if your relationship's strong, it makes it stronger, but babies will expose the fuck out of it. Speaking of bad habits, I hung out with a straight man accidentally.
Where?
Work stuff.
They do this thing where like, when they try to connect with you, they keep showing you YouTube videos.
And it made me feel like an outdoor cat who brings you a dead pigeon and you go, ugh, and then you go, oh, wait, that's their love language.
Oh, they're, they're trying to connect. That's, that's them showing affection. Cause he showed me one video and you know, like you get the point after like, and it like.
Like, oh my God, that's so funny.
I was out there for like two minutes watching it and like.
Oh, you watched the full.
Yeah. And then I was like, okay, that was a one off. He really is passionate about this video. And like 10 seconds later, he's like, oh, watch this. And I was like, oh, this is.
This is a thing.
This is a thing in the community. Chris, is this what you guys do?
Yeah. I call it YouTube waterboarding.
Wait.
YouTube waterboarding.
Like men, um.
That was the question. What are, what are men?
What are men?
Do you guys waterboard each other?
Do you ever say, bro, I don't want to watch this?
That's why I started calling it waterboarding because.
Cause all men do is hang out and go, bro, watch this.
That'll be.
There's something also about when I'm watching, someone's watching me watch a video. I can't enjoy the video.
Me neither.
I was trying to explain to Ally, who's a lesbian, our relationship. We left the house and she's like, she's your partner.
Yeah, no, we're partners.
Cause she was like.
No, we're more than friends. Like, like, okay, like if we were to be with another friend duo, I'd be like, cute. That's adorable.
We would leave and be like, they think they're fun.
That's so sweet. You guys to like be friends, but like we're life partners.
Well, Ally was like, I loved hanging out with you guys because I love being like a third wheel. And I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, I love hanging out with couples. And I'm like, what do you mean? And she's like, you guys will talk with your eyes all the time?
If you're gonna gossip with one of us, you're gossiping with both of us, but it's a safe space. Like we share the same ideas.
She was like, you have a full partner. And I was like, I know. And I was like, I am the man one.
I want a man who's more involved in like the cooking and the cleaning. Really, I just want a housekeeper.
I just realized I want an assistant.
Some of these girls who've done it right, they marry chefs.
I just want someone who's like, I'll make school lunches.
I do have to say, I've dated guys in the past who have cooked and it's been so hot and so fun. You have to trick them to be like, oh my God, I love that salmon you made. And then they like get passionate about it and then it gets part of their ego and then they're like obsessed with it.
That's what it is. Make it a part of their ego.
Yes. Chris is smiling.
Baby, I love your barbecue chicken.
My ex used to make it. Disgusting. And honestly, he had a weak wrist. Make them feel like hunters, you know?
There's something about British people and like, they pull off bangs better.
I didn't want to say it.
It's more believable.
Like Daisy Edgar Jones.
That's why the whole thing is like, are you okay? Like myself included, like.
But it's so funny because she's so British, but then she goes to singing and they lose the accent, which no one's ever studied that.
Adele has an accent. But like my Adele doesn't. You know, like my Adele in my head, she's from Queens.
If Adele was from America.
Hello, it's me.
Yes.
Where are you? I've been waiting for years for you to call.
I've been sitting, watching Jeopardy all night long, and you haven't ring me up once. I will beat your ass.
Hello, I'm on the other side of West 55th. Where are you?
How are we not cast in a Nora is beyond me, and I'm jealous. Mikey Madison, you're from LA? You lucky bitch, okay?
I love that my Adele is from Queens. Let's have fun.
Not my Adele. Can you tell me the year when we're allowed to get divorced?
1969.
That's fucking crazy, because that's like when our moms were born. Ix got so popular because we literally weren't allowed to have Ix before.
No, we couldn't say it.
Like, he'd be like singing in a restaurant, "Happy Birthday", to another table, and you'd be like, "Well, I literally can't get a divorce", so like, la la la la la.
Where now, like, he comes in with flip flops and you go, "Divorce, motherfucker!"
We've made a whole career on talking about Ix and the things we hate about men. A whole fucking career.
Literally, I just got tagged in something, and me being like, "I hate if he's bad at bowling", and you go, "I hate if he's good at bowling", and I was like, "Oh, no!" Did I ever tell you what my nickname was? Like, high school into college?
Quadzilla.
You know, I'd quite literally dig my own grave and pass away.
Literally, like, hot guys would be like, "Stop, Quadzilla." I couldn't tell if, like, they thought my legs were, like, cute or not.
I don't.
Men look at me like a horse. They like check my teeth. They're like...
Why are men always trying to, like, treat you like they're breeding with you?
Yeah, and they're like, "What's your vert?"
Yeah, what?
They're like, "Do you want to race?" Division one babies were like a topic.
And then they'd see me.
And they'd just smell a Nike sponsorship for their child, like, immediately, like, "Yeah, you could go with the sorority girl who can't fucking walk in a straight line", or, "I could fucking throw a football a hundred yards." "Do you want your child to dunk?"
Right.
"With these calves."
No one's ever come up to me and said, like, "Hey, our kids might be athletic." If anything, they're like, "I think you'll have a gay son."
A gay son who, let's just say, could palm a basketball with your fingers.
Don't talk about my unborn gay son, because he's fabulous.
If an eye twitch, which means a man is about to die soon.
Oh no, it's that time of year. I have to sacrifice a man. No, truly, I've had this eye job for like four days.
Cause you also think everyone's like staring at it?
I don't even think that everyone's staring at it. I'm just like, what?
Is it your bigger eye or your smaller eye? It's your bigger eye. Why did I even ask?
How dare you? Fucked up question.
Oh, check your cornea.
No, it's just like, I think stress.
Back to me.
I went to a couple of public gatherings and I like forgot the best way to Irish exit.
I knew you were gonna say.
And I actually just needed some advice.
We're in a conversation. And what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna run to the bathroom really quick. I'll be right back. Which bathroom? I didn't specify. I meant the one in my apartment.
Not the one here? That's crazy. I'm going home. It's none of my business what you thought I meant.
Don't project your ideals onto me.
Oh, you thought the one here?
My favorite thing is I'll call an Uber. Someone always starts talking to me like right when the Uber is there. And I love to pretend the Uber is like completely out of my control, like being like, I would love to stay, but the Uber.
You're like, the app's actually locked. That's crazy.
Stop it. The Uber needs me and I would love to cancel it, but my thumb doesn't work.
You're like, he's on his way. If I cancel now, what message will that say to him?
He's gonna, he'll be very mad at me and I don't need that.
Here's where it can get dicey.
You say you're going to the bathroom. They, someone sees you leaving out the door and they're like, where are you going? Making a quick phone call. Can't do it in here. Just running outside to make a quick phone call? Didn't tell you it's to my Uber driver to let him know where precisely I'm standing.
None of my business. You thought the call was to someone else. Wait, you're a fucking genius.
Yeah, I love getting out of shit. There's nothing I love more than saying, bye. I love when one of my gays goes, you know what? Never liked her. And I'm like, oh, you never said anything. You never said anything. When you get one of my gays going, it's.
Get a gay going.
Do one thing for your day and get a gay going.
Gag, get a gay going. Get a gay going and let them tell you what it is.
No, let them break it down for you because it's like.
Get a gay going. Wait, maybe that's the segment we just bring on a gay and let them go?
It's just straight guys, they don't know.
Time for our gag segment.
What are you gagged about?
Hannah, we brought in a bunch of straight men saying it was like one of our segments, but really?
Don't tell them.
We don't tell them.
And we say what's something you're passionate about?
Yeah, something that like really gets you going, what is that? So last night when I'm at the Giants game, sitting there, I'm watching the game, I'm eating my snacks, and at one point I go, "That is adorable." My brother is sitting next to me and he goes, "What? Let's just break this down for a minute. This is musical theater, okay? You have to remember the plays. Sorry, that's memorizing lines."
That's choreography.
When they go five, six, seven, eight.
You're all putting the same outfit on, sorry, that's a costume. And then they're all going out there, they know what they have to do, and then they're performing, and I think it's adorable. Also, take one look around that stadium, 85,000 people. I go, "Male loneliness epidemic, where?"
Where the, what the fuck are you talking about?
They're all singing the same songs.
I'm like, it's stacked here. There's so many men high-fiving each other, they don't know each other, just like having the best time ever.
Hugging, crying.
At one point, I literally go, "Just kiss."
At the end of the game, if a player like likes another player, he goes up to them and says, "Can we trade jerseys?" And then they take each other's jerseys off.
They un-dress?
They unclothe and they swap jerseys. And then he walk out and you're like, "It smells like you."
Guys definitely pick the porn based on the guy.
What do you mean by?
Would you ever like not click on one because a guy looks a type of way?
Yep.
And sometimes they're like, "I like that one."
It's funny.
You're not, because I pick a girl.
Yeah, based on what I like her to look like. Men aren't even in my porn algorithm.
No, I don't want to see a man. I don't want to see a man having sex. That's disgusting.
That's disgusting.
It's disgusting.
No, like, they ruined the porn.
It's like so embarrassing for them.
Because it's so easy to get the ick from guys from porn, like them even being like, yeah, I'm like, I'm out.
Like him going, oh, yeah, I'm out.
We don't talk about this enough either. Like, I could in my head picture like four porn girls that like I've seen in the past fifteen years that like you just always see gorgeous, stunning. I couldn't picture one good-looking guy porn star. Like, I don't think I've ever come across one.
I know.
I also don't look for them. So they could be out there, I'm just not seeing it.
It's none of my business.
Anyway, we digress.
We digress. Therapist update. I've been doing EDMR. No, it's EMDR. EDM is a festival.
Yeah, EDM is a genre of music.
It's really good.
What is it?
So basically, um, it sucks if you're like having a good day and then you have to do it.
Because you're having a good day.
Wait. Nobody talks about that. There have been so many times where I'm like, okay, but what if the therapy is the problem? What if actually you've been putting me in a bad mood?
And be like, wow, life is where it's a living. And then I'm like, oh, fuck, I have therapy.
And you get in and, and she's like, okay.
In fact, it's not.
She'd go, let's go back to the worst time you ever had in your life, where you think shattered all your hopes and dreams.
The turning point, if you will.
Let's go to your villain origin story.
I hate a patter. Like, your sweater right now is like actually making me nauseous.
Like, what in the Blu-ray DVD screens?
Is this goddamn cardigan? I've been literally wanting to ask since we sat down. Where did you find this cardigan?
Um, it's vintage Missoni.
Oh, is it? Okay.
Can you apologize to Missoni?
I can't apologize to them.
I don't like patterns either, unless it's a sweater.
This looks like if you put on 3D glasses, it would do something cool.
This looks like right when you're about to throw up, what you see.
Third tequila shot when you start to fall.
When a guy tries to kiss you and you don't know what he looks like, this is what you see.
I know what your sweater looks like. It's been driving me nuts the whole.
I know what it looks like too. What are you gonna say?
Who is that Halloween character?
That's like the menace child. Don't they wear like blue and red stripes? Chucky.
Chucky?
Can you?
Oh, yeah. Cause I have red hair.
God, it was literally driving me nuts.
I never can tell when my friends are on drugs, but like.
Do they? Wait, just pause, pause. Because that's actually one of my favorite things about you is to be out with you. And for you to watch other people be on drugs.
As someone who's seen this happen to me, can you just tell me for real right now? Did they talk beforehand and say, don't tell Hannah? Or did they think I'm already high? Cause I'm like energetic.
You don't give off the vibe that you would be into it. So it's like a waste of a conversation to even have.
That's like that one guy who like.
Hannah, you cried last time you smoked weed.
But not everyone knows my history. No one's even offered me a cig.
Not even a drunk cig.
Do I give snitch energy? Do I have snitch face?
You're giving narcs.
Do I look like an undercover cop? Also, like I've been at parties where people don't know that I cry over weed. But like they all just disappear in the bathroom and I'm sitting outside and they're all in the bathroom. And I'm like, someone has a stomach ache. And then they come out and I'm like, is everyone okay? And they're like, yeah. And then they're like dancing and I like, no one ran by me. Went to the gyno for the first time in like a long time. When your pussy's this little, you don't have to get it checked up. Cause it's like not even there.
Nothing can even go in there.
It's literally not even there. You can't even find it. I got a pap. It was quick.
It was it?
Being a girl who's crazy though. Like they literally just shove something in you and I was like, I'm not, I wasn't in the mood for it.
Is that like it's 2025 and they're still, they're like, they still crank it, you know? Like you would think the technology.
No, it looks like a medieval torture device.
It's one of the craziest things ever. And they're like, oh, hey, no problem. We're just gonna stuff this up you.
A stainless steel duck beak.
No lube.
None at all. And then they're just like, this won't, this won't hurt.
Like, that's crazy.
Crazy. You love me, but you don't want to be me. Like, things about me disgust you? Like, you would never want to be me, but you love that I'm me?
And that's what it is. Like, I don't want to be you at all.
We both are literally disgusted.
Like, we'll do something, you'll be like, I, in your mind, I know you're like, I would fucking never, she's so dumb.
No, like, when my mom tried to dress me in, like, dresses with a matching hat, I was like, burn me at stake. Like, I'd rather kill myself than be dressed in this matching set. And then you show up in a matching set, and I'm like, wait, I love that for you.
Well, that's why it works. Yeah, that's why we're in such a good relationship. And I think that's what you have to find.
In a partner.
Because there's too many people out here marrying their biggest op. And it's really like, they just want to be, they wish they had your life. They want to be you.
Have you wanted to get your nipple pierced before?
Did you see the newsletter where I put them nipple covers in that are pierced?
Yeah, I was pretty freaked out.
Neither of you guys brought it up?
Yeah, because we were fucking scared. She goes, did you see what I posted? I go, yeah, I saw it in the newsletter. And she goes, should we say something? I'm like, I don't know.
Because it was fucking rage bait. It was rage bait. I'm not like.
I thought you guys were gonna.
I was having a day. And then I saw that, and I said, I don't need this shit right now. I said, she's mocking me. She's coming for me in some way.
Why is that coming for you?
It's just like, you know, I don't need that.
I would never get my nipples pierced.
I looked into it for a while.
Your mom? Your poor mom. Like, she's, she's making a rosary. She's like, what?
She's like, where did I go wrong?
I have a fear that.
You are everyone's dream child. You had a fear of what? You were gonna get like an infection?
No, I have a fear that I'd be paralyzed.
Oh, my God. Paralyzed? That's so fucking crazy.
I thought that like your nipple would lose feeling.
Oh, that can happen. Yeah, that actually can happen.
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I'm going to Harvard this week.
I'm going to-
Like it's hard?
Harvard-
Law?
No, just, just regular Harvard.
And speaking to their, one of their business classes.
Wait, you're gonna get an honorary degree?
Hopefully, because currently I don't have one.
You're an inspiration to people who can't read.
Thank you so much.
I've gotten a couple of messages of people being like, hey, I know you like making fun of Paige for not being able to read or write your spell, but it actually comes off me and I go, she told me she can't read. I'm literally just repeating what she said to me.
Never in our almost 10 year of friendship, have you ever said anything to me where I've been like, huh, harsh, like ever, like hurt my feelings because it's most of the time accurate. And it's like, sorry, telling the truth is not a crime.
Also, this means I came up with something to try to make you giggle.
And also, it's funny.
And also, you're a New York Times bestseller.
Go to the set, I'm in hair and makeup. I'm like, wow, it's a scorcher out there. I go to someone and I'm like, oh, do you know what the other thing is that I have to film this week? And they're like, no, this is it. And I look at them and I go, no, no, this isn't the outfit that I picked for like what I'm doing in the house. I'm like, oh, okay. But in my head.
You start spiraling.
And in my head, I'm like, I've already worn this before. I'm gonna get fucking torn apart online. They're gonna say, Lizzie McGuire, you're a fucking outfit repeater, which they did. They literally were all over my Instagram, being like, I think she wore that before. And now all of a sudden, no one's sustainable.
Whatever happened to sustainable fashion?
The sun starts beating down on me, pretty aggressively. And I'd say we're about two hours into filming and I'm like, standing there and I'm in a full suede skirt.
You were wearing a suede turtleneck skirt.
And I'm like, you know what, guys? Real quick, I'm feeling a bit, feeling a bit queasy. Let me take a minute to myself. I throw up. Everyone's like, oh my god. They're like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, like totally put me back in, coach. Like, I can do this. I just had to get that out of my system. It's something I do.
A little bug. It was from the biscotti.
I get back out there and I'm swaying a little bit, you know? I'm like, I'm like, you know, I'm not feeling totally normal. I have like an ear piecing, so someone can hear me talking and I, and I literally just go, I'm gonna need another minute. I'm going down. I'm literally, I'm going down. And you guys can come down with me? I'm using the mic like a walkie talkie. I'm like, we got what we need. They're like, no, we didn't Paige. You still have more lines. We're gonna wrap this up right now. Thank you crab services. They're like, no, no, we're not done. This is a wrap on production. Thank you so much for the day. You guys have been amazing. Everyone hands together for the cast and the crew.
You go, this season's a wrap. I think we got to the point. We all want to fuck each other. Let's go. Thank you for the villa. Okay, got to go. I literally sit down, pass out. I'm like, guys, I'm so sorry, but like, I just don't think I can finish it. You didn't want to croak in Fiji, wearing that outfit. Not only am I not in the goddamn outfit.
Fucking picked out.
You think I'm gonna go to a hospital in Fiji, have something happen to me and this is my final outfit? Like, no, you got me fucked up.
Did I ruin the show? Is everyone mad at me? Like, are you guys gonna sue me? Are you never gonna have me back? They were like, the season can't go on. It was like one of those things where you know you're like, something happens to you or like, you're insecure about something and you're like, honestly, no one's gonna notice. And then you see your friend and it's like the first thing they say. Yes. I was like, no, they're gonna make it seem like I was still standing there. No one's gonna see it. And it's like, where'd that girl go in the dumb outfit?
Classic Paige. She's so lazy.
I was a rotisserie chicken in there. But again, I'm in full cowhide. I was an animal out there. You were a buffalo. I'm like, guys, I'm, I'm at a loss of breath. I can't see well. And they're like, ask him if he's hard. I'm like, guys, I know.
Do you think purple lettuce thinks it's better than other lettuces? Lettuce eye?
Yes. Because when I'm eating purple lettuce or a colored carrot.
You stop and you go, you're gorgeous.
If I have a tri-colored carrot on my plate.
Your tax bracket has changed.
My tax bracket has changed. I know more languages than you do.
I feel like the purple lettuce like knows, like, and it's always like curly in a way where it's just like, like you could put it on a dress and it always comes out of nowhere. Like you're like gnawing on your rabbit food and then you're like, who is she?
Are you just talking about like cabbage?
I don't know enough about the lettuce species to be able to, what is the purple? I don't, look, I'm starting this new thing. I tried to eat salads last week. It didn't work.
I'm trying to be healthy before I go on tour.
I've been realizing that. Are you sticking to the rule on tour where there's no eating after at 11:00 PM?
Oh, you haven't stuck to it. Funny, because last year we had to stick to it.
Yep, because, well.
Last year you tried to put me in a caloric deficit and I was fameshed. This year you're willy-nilly, just ordering whatever. I don't know what town you're even in. You're so stuffed.
I did get a really good Mexican bowl. I dermaplane'd.
Did you?
I've never felt so shiny.
Like I felt like a baby dolphin.
Do you like it?
I kind of like a little fur to keep me warm.
I've never looked at you and been like, you have hair on your face.
You've also never looked at me.
That's true. I only look through you.
I've never really taken it all in. Normally you see one thing and you go, oh.
And then you're like, back to me.
My mom always makes a joke where she's like, don't let Paige look at you too long. She'll tell you what you have to fix. And I'm like, don't let me in the room.
I love constructive criticism. You know that. I'm very coachable.
Yeah, sorry. If I don't tell you, who's gonna tell you? If I see my mom and I'm like, hey, let's like switch up this hairstyle or like, let's like change these boots or something. I would want someone to tell me.
I feel like moms' hairstyles are so important to them.
And telling them to switch up a hairstyle is like, that's like you have to sit them down.
Like, that's like having an intervention. Especially some of these moms who've had the same one since 1982.
Because during strifling times, is that a crazy way to describe it?
What does strifle mean? Chris, what does strifle mean?
Strifling times?
Grace is dying.
It's not a real word, first of all. Urban dictionary.
You're talking about stifling.
Stifling.
Urban dictionary says a combination of the words strife and trifles. Strife meaning difficulty, trifle meaning not really very important.
No, strife.
Definitely, definitely not strifling.
Definitely not.
Wait, strifling is my life, though. Not important.
No, I've been strifling.
But I've been strifling.
I've been strifling for like two weeks now.
I'm not okay.
Wait, can we normalize strifling?
The origin is Italian. And if you use it in a sentence.
Being really upset about things that don't matter.
Everyone knows football's gay.
After the game, what do they do together?
Shower.
I've heard multiple men, football players are not saying it's team bonding. I'm sorry. I've never team bonded with a friend naked.
The closest me and you have been to being naked in the same room together is when I'm pooping and you happen to be trying to do your makeup in the same room.
Yeah, and it's against my will. I know for a fact I was in there first. I know for a fact. And then you had a chimichanga.
So let's not even act like it was just us bonding. It was you having a serious problem.
Cause I had an emergency.
That's medical. That's just medical. I'm your emergency contact. Wait, have you ever gone through a phone?
This is so embarrassing. I've never gone through a phone.
It's not embarrassing. That's probably like the right way to be.
Back in the day.
You like respect privacy.
I don't respect privacy. I just respect like.
Where like if you're dating me, sorry, you live in Russia. It's my rules. There's zero privacy. Any money you make has to go immediately to me.
I think it's because like you kind of like the drama a little more than me.
A little.
I love it. I thrive on it.
Like, I really want to be like, I trust him.
Looking for problems. I've cracked iPhones. I've cracked iPads. I've gotten computer passwords. I've blocked people from other people's phone. Like, I've done it all. My favorite thing, though, would be when people, when men would be like, you don't respect my privacy. I'm like, and you don't respect my vagina. Like, what are we talking about here? What are you, the FBI? And this is, I'm leaking your data? Shut up. No, I don't respect your privacy.
Basically saying you don't respect me cheating. And it's like, yeah, I don't respect you cheating.
Yeah, and be better at it. Like, what? Get out of my Uber. I'm like 15 minutes early, so I'm looking at my phone to like, see what time it is. And I just hear someone say, heads up! I turn, I literally get turned around because all of the sudden, charging at me is 30 people in a fucking run club. Okay? I literally audibly go, what the fuck is this?
You got shot.
I literally was, I was assaulted. I was burglarized. I was thrown on the street. Like, I literally turned with the motion of them, like, whipping.
They just took you with them. Next thing you know, you're running.
I'm like, I have a facial!
I'm immediately angered because I'm like, fuck you guys. Who the fuck is getting up?
There should be signs, like, you know, it says no biking on the sidewalk. No running on the sidewalk.
I was like, is this what's happening before 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning? You've gone rogue. You've taken over the city. It's Gotham City here now. I realize, high school team. High school track team.
Oh, they're just trying to run.
And so I was like, you know what? I take back everything bad.
They're chasing their dreams.
You guys get your exercise.
What happened to after-school activity? It's after-school activities.
No, I couldn't even believe New York City allowed something like that to happen.
You know what's not pronounced dashhounds? Apparently, it's daxons.
Sorry, hold on.
This is above our pay grade.
This is not a bit, but genuinely, can you spell it for me?
D-A-S-C-H-O-U-N-D-S. Along those lines, like, close to that.
My brain immediately went to Szechuan chicken.
I thought Doxen was a whole separate breed.
Same.
Isn't it? There was Connor and Cupid and Doxer and Blitzen. Donner and Blitzen.
What did they have to do with this?
I thought that was one of the Doxens.
I'm DJ Dash Hound.
But like late night, people call you DJ Doxen.
Once I have a dirty chai latte, I'm DJ Doxen.
Like you start your set as DJ Dash Hound and then it gets like.
DJ Doxen.
When the beat drops, DJ Doxen.
Wait, I'm obsessed. I'm asking this because I want to know from the girls that have frozen their eggs. My boobs, huge, massive. I've never had bigger boobs in my life. I'm so excited.
I, not a doctor, think that you actually needed estrogen and your body's just like responding really well to it. Do you feel different in other ways?
Um.
Have you been nicer to people?
No, no. I've been like more emotional a little bit, but not like overly emotional.
Well, like appropriate for a circumstance, like not like none. Not like stone cold Steve Austin.
Appropriate for a circumstance.
Yeah, you're reacting as you should have in the past.
Sometimes I have a reaction and I'll think in my head, yeah, that's what a normal person keep doing.
Wait, this is Paige. What would a normal person do if my best friend's put down?
So many times where people expect you to be like, oh, and my immediate reaction is like, okay, get over it.
That's when people are like, can Paige act? I'm like.
Yeah. Yeah. Do you know how many times I've had to pretend to care about a lot of things?
Oscar worthy. Literal Oscar worthy.
I'm never joining a religion that limits my drinks and not even alcohol. Like, I'm sorry. I can't have a diet Coke. Fuck off.
But they can do Adderall. Can they do betas?
There's definitely some Mormons doing drugs.
They just like get around whatever the old school rules are.
They were also talking about this whole thing where like. If you were divorced, you're still bound to your ex-husband for the rest of your life.
Oh my god.
I'm like, guys, come on, we got real world problems happening.
Let's talk about the here and now. When he dies, I've, who was he?
Like, when it crosses my desk, we'll figure it out. But like, right now?
How did the men who are dead have more power than women who are alive? Period.
Oh, oh my god.
Period.
That is so, where'd you hear that?
Marilyn Monroe.
Oh.
I'm just kidding.
My new thing is quoting everything and saying Marilyn Monroe.
And you have to say, however vain you are,
Mm-hmm.
you haven't done a facelift yet. And you know Kris Jenner's been looking good.
What is that facelift? I'm getting that.
I would love to inject myself with some shit.
I'm too scared about doing the research of who I should go to because I genuinely don't trust anyone.
Do you know who you can trust?
God. Yep.
And God made you perfectly.
Imagine it.
God makes no mistakes.
Turned into like a religious podcast.
Podcast, and that is why in 1113, Mesediah said, "Go across the water and get the fish."
And, and when you question, "How do I get that fish?", you get that fish. Because that's what Mesediah did.
We didn't, we could have been religious without being southern.
I don't think it goes that way. I don't think, I think you go full Joel Osteen.
We?
If you're quoting scripture, you better have a twang.
I was offered MDMA.
Do I feel cool about it? Yeah.
Hannah calls me after she goes to this party and she would not stop saying MDMA. And after the fifth time, I was like, "It's Molly. Stop saying MDMA. I'm gonna have a freak out."
I go, "Since when is MDMA Molly, you woman in sin?"
Since forever.
I wasn't gonna say yes, but I pretended I was considering it. Like, I'm like, you know, I normally would.
Because I wanted to be cool.
But it's a Saturday night and I can't.
It literally was like totally a time where you could do everything.
If there was ever a time, it was in that moment.
And then people were like, we're microdosing. And I'm like, okay, like regardless what dose, I would ruin the party. I would never work in this town again.
I actually feel like you wouldn't microdose because you're an all or nothing girl. You know, so you're like, if I'm gonna do it, let's become drug addicts.
Well, that's why weed fucks me up because everyone's like, just take a little hit. And I take a little hit, don't feel anything, take the biggest hit I've ever taken in my life. Can't breathe for
For an hour and then
And then you find yourself on the bathroom floor and you're like, I think I'm having a panic attack.
Exactly. Just like staring at my fingernails for way too long.
I think maybe I was in like seventh or eighth grade and something happened for the first time ever, like with a boy. And I remember my mom telling, saying to me, Paige, I need you to understand that this is a man's world. Okay. It's a man's world. So you need to always be smarter, quicker, like thinking on your feet. Like you're gonna get fucked over in situations that you shouldn't just because you're a woman. And I feel like that always stuck in the back of my head. And I think people get so mad at me because I move like a guy. I've always moved in the world like a fucking guy. I will ghost the fuck out of you. I don't give a shit. I like will take your job. I'm not the kind of crazy where it's like, I need to get back at you.
It's I'll get, I'll take your job and become your boss and then I'll fire you.
Like, that's my kind of crazy.
Are Gen Z's playing flip cup?
I probably haven't played flip cup in like three, four years.
So no one's competitive. You'll never get ahead in this world.
When I was 26, there were bars just for, for beer pong. We weren't there to drink. We were there to compete. We were there to like live our dreams. This is when the world started to turn for the worst.
When it's 2015.
When people started filling their beer pong cups with water and, and just drinking the beer. No, that's why COVID happened because we didn't have
We did the, the antibodies.
The antibodies of when a ball rolls and gets kicked across the entire bar. And then you take it and you throw it in a beer and that person chugs it. That's why we were able to face like germs. I have to say, when a guy's good at flip cup.
Mm hmm.
I'm like, it's the hottest thing ever. When a guy's bad at flip cup, I'm like, you would, you would finger my thigh.
In your twenties, if someone was playing beer pong and they weren't good at it, I'd be like,
that's so embarrassing. I'm like, you probably aren't good at parallel parking.
I hate sleeping in bed with men. I don't know what it is, cause like I can fall asleep on the couch with them. But once it comes to like getting in the bed and like falling asleep, I'm like, no, I have to be alone. Like I have to hang out with myself more.
It doesn't make sense. Like we all have roommates, right? And then you get to the point where you try to not have a roommate. But then when you meet a guy, now you're forced to have a roommate.
But this roommate literally takes up half the bed and is hot and is breathing in your fucking face.
And I'm like, now I can't watch a TV show and like also have my phone on when it's like 3am because you have to sleep.
Also, I understand intimacy. Sometimes I understand quality time.
When you're both asleep, like, is that really intimacy?
I need my own bed.
Sleeping in separate beds, I honestly think is great.
I need my own bedroom and I'm so down to start the night with you. And then like start the morning with you. But what I do in the in-between is like none of your business.
You're starting a business. You're running numbers. You're looking up past exes, exes, exes girlfriends. You have stuff to do during the night.
I saw a TikTok that was like, I still stalk my ex's ex even though we broke up, but she's part of my routine.
Wait, your comfort stock?
Your comfort stock.
Your comfort stock where like when you watch them, it kind of makes your day.
Someone said, you know, when you're a kid and you have to sharpen your pencil?
So you'd get up to the garbage and you'd just like sharpen it and it feels kind of nice. And you'd also get to like, that's a version of a cigarette break as a kid.
I was the queen of taking a break. The pencil sharpener wasn't enough for me. I was like, ooh, still too stimulating. You guys are all here. I was at the nurse's office. The nurse knew me. Okay, I'd walk into the nurse's office and she'd say, what is it today, Paige? I'd say, well, I don't know.
We walk into the green.
Slight tingle in my throat. Better call my mommy.
Yeah, I feel like my past life when my children died of cholera is coming forward today.
No, I'd literally go to the nurse's office and the nurse would say, why don't we just call your mom? Talk to her for a few minutes and see how you feel. And I'd be like, that sounds nice. I needed like a midday pep talk, okay? It's hard out here.
That's so real.
So real. Let kids call their mom during school. What was the harm in it?
Would you be like in jail where they have a row of telephones? Where you go, you're getting a call from PS 321 during the middle of the day. Mom, I can't do it anymore. Please, it's a prison.
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I do an egg freezing update. Cause that seems appropriate.
Oh my gosh.
There's a question on the consent form that's like, okay, and if anything happens to you, what would you like us to do with your eggs? So the options are like discard them.
Scramble.
If you're married, do you want to give them to your spouse like?
Oh, I hate these like future questions. I'm like, I literally don't know what I'm gonna have for breakfast tomorrow.
How many years you want us to like free have them for? But I was like, wait, I don't know. Part of me was like, well, I wouldn't want a child walking around and them not having me like that's crazy.
Or be like, why do I have these weird mental demons and my mom can't explain them to me?
But also I'm like, if I had a sister.
And she and say she couldn't get pregnant, I would want her to have mine.
What if your brother's wife can't get pregnant?
Well, that would be incest.
My brother's sperm could not make a baby with my egg. That would be so highly illegal.
I literally spent three days in Alabama.
Well, gosh, on a page, give it to your brother. He'll have a baby with it. And like, nope, we're super, super illegal. Um, could not do that. Could not give my brother's wife my eggs. I feel like as I get older, I am Simon Cowell. Like, I hate everything. I'm disgusted by so many people I know.
Do you know there's an actual thing of you don't, of people don't get enjoyment from anything? Like, there's a word for it.
I have it.
They said if it happens for an elongated period of time, it can be depression.
What's a long, what's a long period of time? No, it's not that I hate everything. I'm unimpressed.
Not to quote your best friend, who I'm sorry, people aren't talking about this enough. I'm not in competition with people I don't feel inspired by. That, did you hear her say that? That quote alone?
It was, it was beautiful.
It's my new personality.
It was beautiful.
I'm not in competition with people I don't feel inspired by. And I think my problem is, is I'm unimpressed by things that I'm just like, I don't care. I have to say something and nobody knows.
Can I guess?
You got botox.
You guys, this has never happened in the history of Giggly Squad.
Page six. Now's your time to shine.
She froze her eggs and then she froze her face. Continue.
She goes, I've been watching you talk so I can tell how your face already moves. And I'm, and I can already tell you that I wouldn't even give you a full amount that I give.
Transplant?
Yeah, like, she's like, your face, you don't have to.
We can use some of the face. We'll keep some of it.
Obviously, I brought up my orbital bone and. And she goes, "It's more noticeable to you than it is to the average person." I go, "Well, have you seen the internet?" "Have you ever heard of Giggly Squad?" I'm happy I even lasted this long. Botox has been being pushed to me since I was eight years old.
Eight years old?
I mean, have you, yeah, were you alive?
Congratulate Paige on her popping her botox cherry, her new face. If she looks different, don't tell her. Just be like, "You look the same."
No, literally, don't tell me.
You really do look amazing. You just look awake.
Which honestly, we've never looked so, like, was it like being awake right now?
My whole brand is now changed.
Yeah. Oh, my God. You have to change Daphne completely to like running wear.
She goes, "We're doing marathons in Daphne now." Can I call you out for a second?
Fine.
Paige calls me and she's like really focused, talking about something, but it sounds like she's in a, in a car wash.
This is my last minute on the phone. You've got to listen to me.
So she's rambling and I go, "Hold on, are you in a rainforest?"
And then instead of being like explaining herself, she goes, "What?" And then I'm like, "Oh, maybe she's on speaker. You know, sometimes on speaker, it's weird." And she, you make me feel like I'm crazy. You go, "What? Uh, what?" And I go, "It sounds insane." And she goes, "Yeah, I'm in the shower." Anyway, and I'm like, "Okay, you could have prefaced it with being like, 'Hey, sorry, I'm underwater right now.'"
But you made me feel like I was crazy for being like, "You're drowning."
I get some of my best work done in there.
By the way, she has FaceTimed me in the shower as well.
I know her full routine.
Any call I've had to make through that day that's not like super important, but like I have to tell you something, I have to talk to you, I don't have any other time during the day, you're getting a call in my shower.
There's another life where you live like in Kansas and you are the it girl of real estate. Like every single bench in that town is you. And you're wearing a power suit.
The best outfit.
Your glam is incredible. No one's ever seen you without full glam.
They call me Penthouse Paige.
And there's no penthouses in Kansas.
That's really sexual, actually. That's... That actually sounds like my OnlyFans page. I take that back.
And you don't actually make eye contact with any of your clients, but.
I've thought about real estate and you know what knocks me down every time? I'm out doing math in my adult age. I'm done. I'm past that.
Do you have to do math?
You have to know square footage and stuff and like you have to know like there is numbers and I'm like, actually no.
Did you watch Selling Sunset?
Not really.
It was a lot of like them getting out of the Yukon SUV slowly.
It's a lot of arrivals and departures.
There's nothing Netflix reality shows love more than arrivals.
And a non copyrighted music background.
A strut.
She's a sexy one. Yeah, she's sexy sexy.
No, Netflix will, it's hard for a slow strut. Can I tell you something? Cartoon Network, not for me.
I'm gonna say Cartoon Network is so Hannah coded.
Yeah, it's not page coded.
Ed, Ed and Eddie, you would never watch.
I hated that show. Any TV shows where they're like yelling?
I've seen what I need to see. Wait, that's Cartoon Network too. The commercials were like, uh, you want this? Stop for it.
Yogurt.
Why was there so much yogurt in those fucking squeeze tubes when we were little?
Easy squeeze.
The commercials were even like too much. Like I couldn't, I was like, no, get this station off. Like I liked, then I'd have to switch to like PBS and like watch like Wishbone or something. I'd be like, that's too overstimulating.
Like Wishbone.
I loved Wishbone.
I'm surprised it didn't make you smarter as a kid.
Again, as I am as an adult where I like to watch pretty people on the TV. I like them to be so fucking hot. As a younger child, I liked to watch things that were aesthetically pleasing to me.
That's why I can't believe I'm your favorite person.
Anytime someone would offer up the Cartoon Network, I immediately knew what kind of kid you were and I was disinterested. I would be like, no.
This is the thing though with Powerpuff Girls, it formed who I am as a woman.
See, again, I didn't like action.
You go, why are they moving so much?
I go, take a nap. Why don't you guys chill? Like, you're getting out of your house and you're like running away from your parents and this is what you're going and doing? Like, go to the mall. You know how like girls say, like, you can see your mental illness through the people that you've dated?
Oh wow.
If I truly went through my twenties and all of my boyfriends, I could tell you exactly what I thought about myself.
They say the person that you set up for is who you believe you deserve.
Also, if like someone doesn't like you back and you're like trying to get them to like you, you have to realize that they're triggering something like in you. There are so many situationships, I feel like, in my twenties where I was like, you don't like me?
Now I have to remember all the reasons why I'm amazing.
In your twenties, I think because you're still becoming who you are, you immediately don't think like, oh, he's not the right guy for me. You're like, oh, I did something wrong. Like, let me try that again. Like, I just had to reframe myself for him. Where now in my thirties, if someone didn't like me, I'd be like, ew, you have horrible taste.
And I'm like, I actually don't like you first. I didn't like you first.
I didn't like you first.
I'm thirty-two years old, but like, I was home. So like when I step into Albany and I step onto my parents' street, I'm sixteen.
A hundred percent.
I have to ask to leave the house. Like, I could never just leave my house. Like, that would be
Get permission.
Insane.
Ask when they want you home.
So it's like Friday night.
Sneak in, sneak in a weed pen.
Ten o'clock and I'm like, hmm, burns a little. And my mom can hear me. And here's the other thing, I'm in the bathroom in my room for like a while.
But my bathroom is above her bedroom, so she knows when I'm in the bathroom.
She knows when you have a tummy ache.
I hear, coming up the stairs, what's going on? Are you okay? And like, I immediately turned sixteen and I'm like, I think I actually might have a UTI, but I promise I actually didn't even have sex. And she just looks at me and she goes, okay?
She was like, well, you don't always have to have sex to get a UTI, you whore. I was like, yeah.
I just was giving blowjobs. I wasn't letting him go in. I just didn't know.
I'm like racking my brain because I'm like, how did I get one without having sex?
You sat on an MSG chair with like mostly men in that stadium.
I don't know. And then I was like, well, did I use a new soap? Like have I? And I was like, you know what? I think my immune system's just down. Like I'm coming up with like all these things.
Mauricio, Kyle's guy, had a bracelet stack. And it was.
Of like stretchy, like Taylor Swift bracelets or like of like Cartier?
I think it was a combination. Just like a man wearing stacked bracelets and everyone was like, oof, he's going through something.
Like this is a weird stage. And men with too many accessories, like you're trying to distract me from something. I don't trust men who wear a lot of accessories at all.
I hate men with a bracelet situation like that. I bought myself a tennis bracelet and I was like dating a man at the time and he was like, I want a tennis bracelet too. And I was like,
no, but this man wanted a diamond tennis bracelet. I almost threw off.
I was like, it's not for you.
It's not for you at all.
I was like, cool, buy yourself one and me.
Chris, do you have any accessories?
I have a watch and then in the summertime I'll throw one bracelet on sometimes.
Wait, explain it to me. What about the summer makes it bracelet weather?
It's bracelet time, dude.
Wait, what?
One bracelet, one bracelet doesn't.
No, but why not the winter?
I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.
Why has the standard for a wife stayed the same, yet the standard for a husband has gone down? She was like, my grandpa built my grandmother's house. Like, okay, now like any man, he's like, cool, I'll call a task, grab it.
My final thought is like men literally used to go to war. Like they would like.
Is it even a final thought if you don't adjust your glasses, you know?
Also this whole time, this whole time I can't see.
I've been fighting for my life with these fake glasses because I like the aesthetic, but like I feel blind. I can't hear, I can't talk, I feel, I have nothing left. Men used to go to war, men used to like have their arm blown off and still run and like do what they had to do. Nowadays, a man's going down on you and sees you're spotting slightly on your period and he's like, I can't do it. Yeah, yeah. Men used to go to war and you can't go down on me when I'm on my period, grow up. And that's a great final thought. And someone says Paige, you have to look your best at this day. She has a routine. All I did was get facials and massages in LA. And I started to get kind of paranoid that I was doing enough. So then Lenore got involved. Lenore got involved and Lenore was like, whatever Paige is doing, do what Paige does. So I'd go online and I'm clicking every lymphatic drainage place near me.
Find just a woman in an apartment. Awesome. And I was like, the price is right. Safe. She does face and body. I said, we're doing it. So I just went to a random apartment building somewhere in LA.
What is wrong with you? You know that it's sketchy when the first thing they ask you when you walk in is how'd you find me?
She literally was like, how did you? How'd this come across your desk? And then she was like, your name's Vanessa, right? And I was like, no. And I was like, it's okay, it's fine. It was amazing. I don't think it was lymphatic though. I think she gave me a full on abortion. I don't know what.
You are a sneaker wedge girly. I feel like you just called me Miranda.
They were like in for a bit, but they were never. They were in for like a second, like they weren't in in the country, like no one wore them in Albany. I remember being like, feeling like a freak, but like in New York City, everyone wore them for like a year. I love Crocs so much and I love my heeled wedged Crocs. So like, I don't know if if the right sneaker wedge comes across my desk. Yeah. I will. You will partake. I'm into like the sneaker loafers that are New Balance. Everyone's been sending me and I was like, give me 17 of them right now. Wait, I don't know if I've seen the sneaker loafer. It's like a silver, like New Balance, but as a loafer. Okay. Well, we have such different algorithms because this is the only thing on my algorithm right now.
I got a lot of backlash on my Instagram last night because I said, I want you to shave your head like Emma Stone. Girls were not happy. They said, first of all, I think you're sabotaging Paige's sorbo and I go, mm, she does it to herself. Second of all. I'm a creative. I come up with ideas. I throw ideas at Paige.
I think there's an Audrey Hepburn biopic that's circulating Hollywood.
That's what I heard.
And I think all the actresses are trying to get that role. And so they're dressing like her, they're cutting their hair like her and they're like.
Do you know who I think is gonna get it?
I'll say who I, who I think should get it. You say who you think should get it. One, two, three.
Ariana Grande.
I don't like that.
I didn't come, I didn't cast her.
I've been trying to watch Wicked for.
We're going on seven days now. I've taken seven phenomenal naps. Right when it starts.
We're gonna be so good without the singing.
Wicked would be so fucking fire without the singing.
But do you see how you are Glenda?
Yes. Ariana, from what I've, what I saw.
Fifteen minutes intermittently. She's crushed. She's amazing. She's phenomenal. She's the best singer of our entire generation.
I don't want her to be Audrey Hepburn.
Why? She's Italian.
I just think Anne Hathaway has always looked the most like her or Lily Collins.
Or you.
Maybe I just called the, I'm like, I've never acted. Put me in, coach.
I've seen you on Summer House. You're pretty good.
Miss Giggly Squad. Like, I feel like something will happen on a Thursday. I'm like, am I really gonna wait till Monday?
Did you have to say Thursday? I start itching.
I started itching.
And then I like wanna tell you things and I'm like, hold it, hold it.
That's my Saturday. I was like, we gotta move the pod up to Sunday. I got shit to say. How about I texted you at like 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning this weekend? I was like, and I just feel like.
Overwhelmed. No, well, you get morning anxiety.
I get morning anxiety.
That disappears by 1 p.m. So I'm out here all day. I'm like, I'm calling Dez. I'm like, I don't, like, I think Paige is having a bad day. Like, what should I tell her? Radio silence from her. I was like, call me whenever you need. I'm here. I go, she must be in an escape room right now. She must be, have checked into a mental health rehab facility and that's why she hasn't called me. Text you around 8:30, just like, how you all doing? You go, oh my God, lol. I was so dramatic.
I go, I've been freaking out.
Oh my God, that was this morning. Literally so dramatic. I'm over it.
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