Pod Insights The Psychology of your 20s 314. 5 signs they're the 'one' About this episode "What makes someone “the one”? There is so much pressure tied into that question. Instead, it might be better to ask: how can we focus on recognising the key pillars of long-lasting, fulfilling love? In today’s episode, we explore some fundamental characteristics so you can discern whether they are “the one” for you, while also acknowledging that our soulmates are often built, rather than found.
We explore:
Unpicking the “one” narrative The difference between initial spark and lasting connection Love as a mutual, ongoing choice The fundamental pillars of long lasting relationships - shared values, emotional proximity, and reciprocal effort The role of intuition vs anxiety The need for authenticity and growth within a partnership If you’re feeling the pressure to pick the ‘right’ person, or want to learn about the fundamentals of deep connection, this episode is for you.
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:04 Jemma Sbeg? Hello everybody and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s. The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.
0:23 Jemma Sbeg? Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we are diving into a question that I am going to almost guarantee has probably come up for every single one of us right now. Whether you are in a long-term, stable, committed relationship, whether you have just started dating someone new, you're single now, you're somewhere in between. The question is, how do I know whether this person is the one? How do I know I'm in the right relationship?
1:05 Jemma Sbeg? How do I know and how will I know that someone is it for me? It's a very, I would say anxiety inducing question. Who we choose to be in a relationship with is, you know, life-defying. And even if you don't necessarily believe in the idea of the one or you're skeptical of the idea of a soulmate, there is still some kind of irrational part of ourselves that really questions whether we're going to find the perfect person for us, whether that person is out there and whether the person we're with now is actually that person. How can I tell that this is going to be forever? How do I know if it's going to work out?
1:49 Jemma Sbeg? Unfortunately, you know, I can't really answer that question for you, but it is a big one that comes up, not just throughout our life, but especially in our twenties. It can be very natural to have doubts during this decade. You know, you are so young and there are so many people out there and you're constantly being told that. And so if the person that you're with right now isn't the one, well, you do kind of want to know. Now, so you don't waste either of your time. You wanna know that you, so that you can kind of explore what else is out there. Maybe you can meet someone on a deeper level or, you know, just in general, avoid regret of choosing the wrong person. So because there is a lot of anxiety around this and also a lot of questions around what makes a relationship good. Let's unpack this together.
2:33 Jemma Sbeg? Like I said, I can't necessarily give you a magic formula because love is not that simple. But I do wanna explore the idea of the one from a more psychological standpoint. Is it fact or fiction? How can we tell? But also I wanna explain why expert after expert will tell you that love is more than just a spark. It is about hard work. It is about compatibility. And you know, when I was younger, I used to hate that idea. Like honestly, I would be scared by that idea that love had to be work. Because I was like, everything else in life seems to be work. Surely love gets a pass. But you know, the older I've gotten, the more I've found this idea quite comforting and actually really special.
3:18 Jemma Sbeg? The idea of choosing to be with someone rather than it just always being seamless and someone dropping right into your lap and it working. I honestly find that the work component of it is a lot more meaningful, but there are definitely, there is definitely a point where the work, like you can't just turn anyone into your soulmate. There are some critical ingredients that a relationship needs, that someone needs to have in order to be not just the one, but the right kind of one for you. So we're gonna explore those five crucial signs as well as seven questions you can ask yourself right now at this very moment to determine whether this relationship is right for you. Without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's get into it.
4:09 Jemma Sbeg? This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. I've been really trying to prioritize my health in a realistic way this year. And something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop. Because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day, why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress, and most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns. So I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership.
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5:31 Jemma Sbeg? This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.
6:08 Jemma Sbeg? These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. Your social media feed is packed with wellness trends telling you to cold plunge, protein max, and so much more. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? Health vs. Hype from the American Medical Association breaks it all down. Emmy nominated host Trace Dominguez talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors, to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to really matters. Listen to Health vs. Hype wherever you get your podcasts. Let's kick things off by kind of dismantling this idea of the one.
6:52 Jemma Sbeg? Let's talk through this one narrative. You know, the notion of a singular predestined soulmate, it's very captivating because A, it's like incredibly romantic, and B, and it might not seem this way, but it's also rather simple, takes a lot of the legwork out of things, you know? There is this idea that when you meet the right person, you'll just know it will click, it will work, you'll be together forever. There's no need to keep searching, there's no need to wonder, what if? But here's a bit of a reality check. I think clinging too tightly to this, you know, a beautiful idea, but clinging too tightly to this idea can actually be rather counterproductive. Why?
7:34 Jemma Sbeg? Because it fosters a rather passive approach to love. It kind of suggests that your main job is just to discover this person rather than to actively cultivate a relationship or to discover yourself and what you want or be picky. It also, you know, as a secondary consequence, places a very impossible burden on one individual to fulfill all your needs, all your expectations. And it means that the moment the difficulties arise in a relationship, which they inevitably will, it can really cause us to question whether this person is the right person. Because if we have been told since we were children that love is just easy and it's
8:16 Jemma Sbeg? effortless, and suddenly it's not, well then, that kind of challenges the idea and it challenges our sense of stability. Beyond that, I do also think that the pressure to find the one definitely contributes to a lot of stigma around being single. It contributes to a sense that if you're single, you have somehow failed to, you know, complete this mission and complete your goal. And it's also this cultural script that we see time and time again, that you cannot be happy and your life cannot begin until you have found the other person that was put on this planet to meet you where you're at. And I don't even think I need to get into
8:56 Jemma Sbeg? how restrictive that is and also how completely incorrect it is as well. This idea that once that person, what happens if they, you know, they die, like, great, you're, you're gonna live a miserable life for the rest of your life. That's not true. You know, people meet the people they think are soulmates, they pass away, they meet other people who are brilliant. Like, there are so many examples of having multiple people who can fulfill you. But this narrative of the one of a soulmate can create a very intense, often debilitating pressure. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy. I actually think it can put more stress on a relationship. And our lives are stressful enough as it is. We don't need
9:36 Jemma Sbeg? that added pressure of perfection when we first meet someone. And in fact, thinking that you will be able to tell everything you need to know about someone from that first spark and that first meeting is actually probably causing you to see someone through a very narrow lens. In fact, 2005 study from Harvard, it's one of my favorite studies of all time. It was one of the first to actually use FMRI techniques to see what love looked like in the brain. This study found that the most primitive parts of this organ, of our brain, are actually involved in that initial attraction. And those primitive parts
10:16 Jemma Sbeg? of our brain are influenced by such an intoxicating combination of neurotransmitters, probably the most intoxicating combination you could find. When you first meet someone and you have the spark and you have the romance and the attraction, you are getting hit with dopamine, you are getting hit with adrenaline, with cortisol, with vasopressin, with oxytocin, all of which cause you to behave and think in ways that you wouldn't normally. So not only are you feeling a lot of really positive feelings, but also all of these hormones and all of these neurotransmitters are also at times deactivating the neural pathways responsible for social judgment, meaning that you can't actually assess someone clearly.
11:01 Jemma Sbeg? All those critical, all the neural machinery that you need to make critical assessments of other people is essentially being silenced. It's being kind of suffocated by the noise of the attraction. And it's why the phrase love is blind holds so much truth. When we are only looking for a spark, we are looking at someone through a very restrictive lens. It means that we can't see them clearly. It also means that there may be other people sitting outside of that lens that we can't see at all. There is an amazing book that I recommend to almost everyone, which is titled The Science of Happily Ever After.
11:40 Jemma Sbeg? And in it, the author, Dr. Tai Tashiro, he's a psychologist, he's an expert in interpersonal relationships. He points out that passion and chemistry, they get all the attention because they're glamorous and it's flashy and it's beautiful. But throughout all of his research in long-term research trials, traits like agreeableness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, things that might not show up on a first date, they're actually far more robust predictors of long-term relationship happiness. So let's reframe. Instead of this cosmic lottery ticket where you find the one, let's just consider the possibility that someone becomes the one.
12:24 Jemma Sbeg? Someone becomes the one through shared experiences, through mutual effort and through a dedication to an evolving connection. Or consider the idea that there are actually many people who could be the right one or the right kind of one for you. The benefit of having this perspective in our twenties particularly, I think, is threefold. Firstly, it stops us from thinking that love is rare. And that means that we are going to be less restricted by a scarcity mindset in dating. We're going to be less restricted by this idea that we need to like. We need to find someone right now. Like, there is someone out there and we are in a race against time to find them. That's not a healthy approach to finding love,
13:09 Jemma Sbeg? especially in a decade where love should be an addition and never something that feels restrictive. Secondly, I think it also takes us from being quite passive to being active in the quest for love. You know, you aren't just expecting someone to drop into your lap fully formed. You are looking for a co-pilot and a co-pilot needs to be interviewed. They need to be tested. They need to prove themselves. If you are choosing a life partner, especially in your twenties, when you are like an adult toddler, this person is gonna hopefully be with you for a very long time. They are perhaps gonna raise children with you. They're gonna make financial decisions with you. They're gonna see you through major grief and job insecurity
13:52 Jemma Sbeg? and moving house when it's just like, when you've got a cold. Like, they're gonna see you through the worst things ever. You need a good co-pilot. You need someone who's like willing to perform, not just someone who like makes you feel gooey inside. We want both. And finally, I think the reason that this perspective is so healthy is that it allows you to value commitment just as much as you value chemistry, meaning you're also able to let go of bonds that aren't right for you. We've all had that feeling of meeting someone where, yes, you do magically click with someone and it's sensational and you are talking all night and you are telling your friends about them and you think that you've found the one, but they're not ready. They're just, they're not
14:37 Jemma Sbeg? ready for commitment. If we believe that there is only one person for us, we will continue to pursue that person and hold on tightly to the possibility of this person, even when it hurts and even when it gets in the way of a more healthy connection.
14:53 Jemma Sbeg? But when you see love as an equation, an equation that also requires reciprocity, shared values, commitment, hard work, it's a lot easier for you to let that person go and to kind of carry on with your life. Now, I know this might not be, you know, the romantic take that you were expecting, but I will say, just because personally, I don't think that there is one soulmate or one person for each of us, does not mean that you can just pick up anybody on the street and turn them into the love of your life. That is not what I am arguing for. There are still some very critical things needed to make a relationship work and some very deep emotional compatibility factors that will determine the long-term success
15:38 Jemma Sbeg? of your relationship. And these are things that you can actually begin to notice very early on. And yet, when we look at couples who end up breaking up versus the ones who stay together, we see that those same things that you could have noticed at month zero or month three are the ones that cause them to divorce and break up. So I want to talk about these factors. I've been teasing this for the whole start 15 minutes of this episode. Let's talk about those five signs that someone is right for you. The first critical sign is that they are excited about your life and you are excited about their life, not just in the early days, but when things do become more monotonous. We've already explained how, you know, in the early days, your attraction to someone
16:23 Jemma Sbeg? is naturally heightened. That's maybe one word for it. You're obsessed with them. Basically, during those early periods, you are naturally excited by the novelty of this person and they just contain all of this newness, you know, new stories, new interests, new traits, there's new people in your life that come in the door with them. That newness is really what defines the honeymoon period. The honeymoon period of like bliss, where there's no conflict, there's no fighting, everyone's really happy. All you do is like just talk and just like make out and just do fun things. That only lasts like six to 18 months. Like neurologically, people will say, oh, you know, our honeymoon period never ended.
17:05 Jemma Sbeg? It did. Like, the way your brain, you know, thinks about this person and reacts to them and interprets them does change. But what takes over is something deeper. And when the honeymoon period is over is when you do start to see a change in the relationship. And it's when the relationship either grows or breaks apart. And what determines what category or what road you're gonna go down is something so small you might not even notice it. It's called bids for attention. So this is a concept that was highlighted by psychologists Julie and John Gottman. They're a couple. They're basically like the leading experts in relationship stability.
17:48 Jemma Sbeg? They founded a lab. It's called the Love Lab. Great name. Would have been great for like a bar as well, or even a podcast. Love Lab, so cute. And it's a, one of the first like couples therapy clinics that was opened in Washington in the eighties. Julie and John Gottman, they literally created the idea of a healthy relationship. Like, you know, they were not the first ones to have a healthy relationship, but they were the first ones to label it, to wanna know what it looked like from the inside and to really like try and convince people that it was something they could obtain and something that was important to understand. And they discovered these bids for connection. And they're really what defined the relationships that lasted in, in the couples that they saw and the ones that didn't.
18:33 Jemma Sbeg? For example, imagine you come home from work one day and you say to your partner, "Oh my God, Becky from work was just so annoying. She was so annoying." And your partner goes, "Oh, that's a bummer." That's all they say. You're gonna feel a little bit rejected. You're gonna feel a little bit silenced in that moment, right? Now instead, imagine if they said, "Oh, not again. Like, what's she up to this time? Tell me all about it. Like, what was your boss saying? What was she doing?" This kind of response is basically saying, "I hear you. I see you. I'm excited about your life." And in those moments, that person is turning towards you, not just with their body, but with their reaction. They're inviting you closer in.
19:16 Jemma Sbeg? Couples who remain together, and not just together, but together and happy, they turn towards each other's bids for connection at a significantly higher rate compared to those who eventually separate. So the couples who stay together, they match eighty-six percent or meet eighty-six percent of these bids for connection compared to couples who separate at thirty-three percent. How you respond to your partner's everyday attempts to engage, whether it's a comment about their day or a shared observation, is really important. Even if what they're saying isn't the most exciting thing, you should be excited by the fact that they're the ones saying it. And that's our first question to really determine if you're with
20:01 Jemma Sbeg? the right kind of one for you. Are you, at the end of the day, interested in their life? And are they interested in yours? The next sign is something that we kind of, I would say, brush over a lot, but could end up being kind of like the undoing of a relationship if we aren't careful. It's values. And not just values in terms of religious beliefs or having the exact same kind of personality. It's deeper than that. It's, do you see the world in a similar way to me? Do you have the same idea of love, the same idea of a good life, the same ideas of justice and fairness and kindness and work ethic? Those are really critical. Now, obviously, you know, you aren't going to go on a first date
20:46 Jemma Sbeg? and immediately like sit down and ask someone, so who did you vote for? Or do you want kids? Or what's the biggest issue facing humanity? If you want to though, go ahead. Like, I would love to know if you do that, what their answers are. But it's about being aware of the fact that values and your moral standpoints are just as important as hobbies, similarities, attraction, all of those things. And I'm going to tell you why. So a two thousand and sixteen study basically found that a lack of shared beliefs between a couple increased the risk of divorce by almost nineteen percent. That's a lot of percents, nineteen of them. Like, that's, that's, I'm not, I'm not betting on those chances.
21:29 Jemma Sbeg? And, and even more recent study that was actually conducted this year, twenty twenty five, it looked at over three hundred married couples and it asked them to rate their own values, rate their spouses' values and how satisfied they were at the end of the day in their marriage. Those who not only shared each other's values, but contributed to how they were expressed in the other person, i.e. they gave them opportunities to be generous, they gave them opportunities to be creative, to be a leader, they were much happier in that relationship. This phenomenon that we have been describing, it has a name. It's called value congruence theory. When two people share similar values, they are more likely to make similar decisions
22:12 Jemma Sbeg? and therefore they are less likely to resent the other person. That resentment is really just fuel for conflict, for arguments, for deep moral and personal tension. So you're avoiding a whole lot of that. The question that I think gets straight to the heart of this, I think it's an incredible litmus test if you're kind of at like a fork in the road with your relationship. If you were suddenly in a coma for two years, would you be happy for your partner to run your life for you? Would you trust their decisions? If you want to have kids as well, I know this question might not be for everyone, but if kids are on the cards for you, they're something that you want,
22:54 Jemma Sbeg? you can also apply this question to that future hypothetical as well. Would this person be the kind of parent I would want my kids to have? Would they teach them the values and the lessons that I think matter? It is very easy in our twenties to not think about these things very much. And you know what? I kind of, I get it. Like, relationships are meant to be fun and passionate and spontaneous. And in the moment, sometimes you don't bring up moral, moral imperatives or moral questions or big philosophical, deep things, but they are things that you can notice. And when you get serious about someone, you also have to get serious about what drives them in life.
23:34 Jemma Sbeg? And also the fact that there are some things that you cannot change about them and you shouldn't have to change either. Those values matter. Find a way to discern them. Find a way to make sure that you are aligned. Okay, my lovely listeners, we are going to take a short break, but when we return, what are the three final signs that they are the right kind of one for you? And also, let's get to those seven questions that you can ask yourself right now if you want to be able to tell, is this person right for me? So stick around, we'll be right back after this short break.
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24:50 Jemma Sbeg? And Whoop also gives me these actionable personalized insights that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy.
25:33 Jemma Sbeg? All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.
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26:59 Jemma Sbeg? These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. And we've all gone down an internet rabbit hole exploring the latest health trends. Your social media feed is packed with wellness advice telling you to cold plunge, protein max, detox, track your sleep. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? That's exactly what Health vs Hype from the American Medical Association and iHeartMedia's Ruby Studio is here to find out. Each episode, Emmy nominated science communicator Trace Dominguez, who's racked up billions of views across PBS, Discovery Channel and YouTube, talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors,
27:43 Jemma Sbeg? to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to matters. Listen to Health vs Hype on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
27:58 Jemma Sbeg? Welcome back. Let's get straight into it. I don't know about you, but I have heard a lot of couples talk about how they don't really argue. You know, they don't really fight. They haven't had a conflict in five years of being together. Maybe people will come at me for saying this, but I always think someone's lying in this situation. Either you are lying to me, or your partner, or one of you is lying to the other one about their true feelings. Because healthy couples and people who are meant to be with you, like, they fight. And they fight well. That's our third sign for today is that when you're with the right person, miscommunications and arguments, they aren't deal breakers. You don't shy away from them.
28:43 Jemma Sbeg? You also do it well and you appreciate that they are actually relationship expanders. Because in the occasional kind of ugliness of disagreements, like you really get to see who someone really is and you get to learn so much stuff about, you know, things like their childhood, you get to learn about their coping mechanisms, you get to learn about how they see the world, how they deal with pain, how they deal with discomfort. Like, there is so much in that. Let me explain. So being able to argue well in a relationship is essential because conflict is not only inevitable, it's also a sign of engagement. Like a version of those emotional bids that we talked about before.
29:24 Jemma Sbeg? Sometimes people try and get attention through starting conflicts. And if another person can learn to deal with that and understand where that's coming from, that can be a really amazing way of knowing someone better. We're also gonna talk about those same researches as we did before, Dr. Julie and John Gottman. And what they've had to say about why conflict is such a predictor in their minds of long-term relationship success. So they have, like I said, studied literally thousands of couples over the last decade. And what they found when it comes to conflict is that there are four different conflict or communication styles that will destroy a relationship.
30:06 Jemma Sbeg? Like almost as quickly as infidelity or anything else. These are called the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Here is a crazy number for you. These things can consistently predict divorce with over ninety percent of an accuracy rate. So if you have one of these things in your relationship, the Gottmans and all their research say ninety percent of the time, we can link that to a divorce. Let's talk through these four horsemen. The first is criticism. Criticism in a relationship, it's more than just complaining. It is attacking the person, not just the behavior.
30:50 Jemma Sbeg? Instead of saying like, if you live with your partner, I'm upset that you didn't do the dishes. It sounds like you're someone who is lazy and you're someone who doesn't clean up after themselves. And you're someone who never helps out. So as soon as you get into an argument, it's not about the problem that you two are dealing with together. It's about the other person and a flaw that they have. And how is someone going to react to that? Immediately, they're going to react with defensiveness or shame or sometimes like a need to get back at you. That's the first one. The second is contempt, and they say this is the most destructive of all.
31:30 Jemma Sbeg? It involves speaking from a place of superiority, mocking, eye rolling, name calling, sarcasm, things that display disgust, things that say to someone, I'm better than you. You know, you are crying and you're upset at your partner and they say, oh God, you look so pathetic. I can't believe I have to explain this to you again. Like I, this is like the twentieth time I've told you, you're so stupid. Now, it's when I say that it's the twentieth time I've told you, it's not that you are genuinely like trying to bring up past grievances and explain like. We've talked about this before. It's like you are angry at someone and you're willing to cut them down for it. And you have resentment deep in your bones that is coming out through conflict.
32:16 Jemma Sbeg? So Gottman found this, this is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Because it erodes the most crucial part of a relationship, which is respect. Third, we have defensiveness. Now, defensiveness is kind of like, it's actually self-protective. But it can often sound like blame shifting or denial. So instead of taking responsibility for an action, or if you bring up a criticism, instead of saying, yep, I fully own that, a defensive partner might say like, it's not my fault that I've done this, or you made me do this because of this reason, or I only acted that way because you provoked me.
32:59 Jemma Sbeg? It escalates conflict because it invalidates the other person's experiences and it avoids accountability. And so often, what this research says is that people who end up doing this are actually people who were very much overly criticised as children. And so they don't want to see that criticism reflected in their relationship. But it means that when it's a valid thing to bring up, like they can't, their tolerance for it is so low that they can't even take that. So defensiveness is a third, and the final one is stonewalling. And this occurs when the other partner just shuts down, goes silent, walks away, completely emotionally withdraws. That they don't want to have it out with you. I saw this thing the other day, this, I guess it was a quote.
33:44 Jemma Sbeg? It was in like a publication, it basically said, it was from, sorry, it was from a relationship expert slash couples counselor. And she said, the biggest sign that I know a breakup or a divorce is coming, coming is when they don't even care about fighting anymore. When the other person just completely taps out, they don't even, they don't see there being a reason in having conflict. If it's not addressed, these things ruin a relationship, they ruin them. On the other hand, couples who replace these behaviours with empathy, who take responsibility, who are attuned to each other deliberately, they tend to resolve conflict more successfully. And it actually is something that they reflect back on and say, wow, that actually really deepened our emotional bond.
34:30 Jemma Sbeg? Can you argue well? That's really the question here. It's not about suppressing your anger. It's not about avoiding confrontation. The healthiest couples, they disagree just as much as unhappy ones. The difference lies in their use of what we call repair attempts. So they de-escalate tension, they make a joke, they express affection. They clarify misunderstandings in the middle of the disagreement rather than afterwards. You know, if you accidentally like snap at your boyfriend in the car because you're really frustrated or angry, but then you are the first one to apologize and you really do lean over and you put your hand on his knee and you say, I'm sorry and I understand why I did that. Those small moments are really powerful signals of emotional safety.
35:15 Jemma Sbeg? And they're powerful signals of someone not having ego in their relationship. And that emotional safety especially is something that I think, and I wish we talked about just as much as the spark, just as much as love at first sight or butterflies. All those things are amazing, but feeling like you always have a place to kind of come home to. Like you could literally lay out everything on the table and they wouldn't look away from it. That's like a whole new level of intimacy. If you want to know whether someone is the right one, have a fight. See, see what happens. Okay, we're gonna go in like literally the complete opposite direction now, like the furthest point left.
35:56 Jemma Sbeg? If we have fighting at one end, you have fun and you have good times on the other. And this is sign four. Life feels exciting with this person, even when it is from the outside, very, very boring. A soulmate, whether it's a soulmate you've found or a soulmate or a soul connection that you've built, brick by brick, someone that you're in a relationship who is right for you. They should ultimately make you feel lighter. And a big part of that is humor and laughing and jokes and fun. Having mundane fun with your partner, doing stupid stuff at the grocery store or giggling like kids before you go to bed, that is a powerful psychological marker of long-term compatibility.
36:39 Jemma Sbeg? I think the reason that it is so powerful is that it shows that you're Your connection isn't dependent on really big moments and a lot of flurry and excitement. It's really grounded in shared presence and ease and a natural sense of like childlike nature and play. Small moments, that's really what it's based on. And surprise, surprise, what is life made up of but small moments? And so if your relationship can flow and thrive in that natural ebb of the basic things you do every day, like if your love is made up of small moments,
37:19 Jemma Sbeg? the way that life is, I feel like it naturally feels so much, so much more stable and special and easy. There's one study in particular that really captures the importance of this and I want to talk about it today. It was conducted by the psychologist Arthur Aron. Now, you might know him from his thirty six questions to fall in love experiment. It's, if you haven't heard of this, basically, he came up with these thirty six questions and he posited that if you sat two people down in a room and asked them to ask the other person these questions, questions that got increasingly intimate, these two people could easily, he could make them fall in love.
38:01 Jemma Sbeg? And there's a very famous story that the first time he did this experiment, literally two of the participants who had never met each other before were married six months later. And it's become like a bit of folklore. So he is basically the closest thing that we have to a scientific matchmaker. And in the early two thousands, he did this study on how fun and novelty affects romantic satisfaction. So he got a hundred and seventy eight couples, they answered like a newspaper ad. And half of them were asked to engage in a really novel, exciting activity. I think they did an obstacle course together. And the other half did like a neutral activity where they were just asked to sit and talk to each other. Those who participated in the playful novel experience,
38:46 Jemma Sbeg? they reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction afterwards. Not because of the activity itself, but because it reignited a sense of shared joy and shared spontaneity. What's fascinating, what's even more fascinating, actually, I should say, is that follow-up research showed even mundane activities, if they were approached with a playful attitude, had a similar effect on emotional closeness. You don't have to go out and do an obstacle course. You don't have to go out and do an extravagant date night. Just bringing that playful energy to small moments is the real powerful antidote or the real powerful substance here. It's the shared emotional tone,
39:30 Jemma Sbeg? not the setting, that I think really makes the moment meaningful. The deeper thing about fun in particular, and why it's so beneficial for a relationship and so indicative of whether someone is right for you, is that it is protective. Fun is protective. It acts as a shield, an emotional shield, even in bad times. The average couple who is, let's say, going to be together for 20 plus years, is going to go through 20 plus really hard moments. Death, grief, financial difficulties, job insecurity, natural disasters, whatever it is, it's inevitable. Lingering on those moments is what makes life really heavy, not just the moments themselves.
40:13 Jemma Sbeg? And the thing that fun and play does is that it actually accentuates the positive things in life so that all the good stuff feels louder and it feels grander and it feels more important than the negative things. And if you have a partner who can bring that out, well, obviously, your outlook on life is going to be better. Your relationship is going to thrive under those conditions. There was this beautiful video that I saw recently from an Australian couple. They've been married for 67 years and they were being interviewed like on what's the secret to their marriage? Like, everyone wants to know. And I kid you not, in this video, like, they are canoodling. They are still totally in love. Like, they are talking about how the other person is everything to them.
40:54 Jemma Sbeg? And the wife said, "The most important thing is to have a sense of humour. And if you don't have that, don't even bother getting married." And that just really stuck with me. Like, life is meant to be fun. Love is meant to be fun. If you're crying every day, if you can't laugh with them, if it feels heavy, that's gonna make your life heavy. So if someone is right for you, they will bring joy, they will bring lightness, they will bring laughter. Probably one of the easiest ways to say is this person going to make my life better. So we are at our final point for today's episode, the final sign that someone is the one. And it is about as simple as the sun coming up.
41:39 Jemma Sbeg? The final sign is that you simply just admire them. You just really admire this person. I was speaking to my friend the other day about her husband and I was like, when did you know? When did you know that you should marry him? She goes, I don't think I ever knew, but every single day I wake up and I just think he is the coolest person I've ever met. And I was like, wow, that, that is such a great way to put it. I think honestly, the best relationships, I at least believe this, are when both people think the other person is out of their league. Both people think the other person is better than the other person. It brings obviously mutual respect, but also like,
42:22 Jemma Sbeg? if you think the other person is like the coolest person in the world, to steal my friend's words, or like just amazing, it's gonna constantly make you wanna be better for them and wanna show up for them and wanna keep winning them over throughout the years. When we admire our partner as well, we also see them as someone that we wanna learn from and we wanna grow alongside. The psychologist Carl Rogers, he calls this unconditional positive regard, valuing someone for who they are without trying to change them. And in a healthy relationship, this admiration becomes reciprocal. When both partners feel genuinely seen and respected for their strengths, it really makes both people feel worthy. It makes the partnership feel better.
43:02 Jemma Sbeg? Mutual admiration also fosters something we refer to as idealization. The tendency to see our partner in an idealized light, not out of delusion, but as a motivational force. So we can't idealize them to the point where you know, things about them that are actually terrible are invisible. We wanna idealize the parts of them that are amazing and in our minds become even more amazing. There was another recent piece of research that found that partners who idealized each other to a moderate degree, so seeing their partner as slightly better than they saw themselves, they did actually report greater relationship satisfaction over time. So this kind of positive
43:44 Jemma Sbeg? illusion, it's not naive, it's not silly, it's actually a buffer. It's a buffer for the relationship against, you know, disappointments, against hard times, because we're consistently brought back to this idea of their goodness and this idea of their potential. And it also creates a really good feedback loop. You know, if they believe that I'm great, I want to live up to it, and so I will. And then you think they're even more great. And, you know, you see where this is going. It's a positive upward spiral. So with all that in mind, with all those amazing signs that someone is the right kind of one for you, I want to give you a final list of seven questions to ask yourself when you find yourself facing this anxiety inducing
44:29 Jemma Sbeg? question. I know this question comes up a lot for people who have relationship anxiety and relationship OCD, and we've done a whole episode on that. I'm not going to get into it, but sometimes you can logically know that someone is absolutely perfect for you and amazing, and still feel this sense of doubt. And it doesn't mean that you're a bad partner, and it doesn't mean that you should break up with them. There's so much other complex stuff going on underneath. I also think if you're a bit of a perfectionist, you're really scared of the idea of settling, or of something in your life not being perfect in the moment and perfect in the future. And that can cause you to look at your relationship with a lens of such intense scrutiny that of course you're going to find something bad with it. So in those moments,
45:14 Jemma Sbeg? ask yourself these seven questions, and I think it will give you some clarity. Firstly, when you imagine a life without them, do you feel relieved? Or do you feel a sense of loss? Does a future with them feel exciting? Or does it feel daunting? Do they challenge me in a way that makes me want to get better? Do they reciprocate my energy, my love, my effort? Do I admire who they are, not just what they do for me? Does our relationship feel light or does it feel heavy? Would I trust this person to make good decisions about my life on my behalf?
45:55 Jemma Sbeg? Those are our seven questions. I feel like it's a nice little checklist to come back to if you needed it. But as for today's episode, I hope you enjoyed it. I hope that it's given you some clarity on whether you are with the one, whether you are with the right kind of one, if you don't necessarily believe in soulmates. And some of the just beautiful, fascinating science behind what makes love last from couples who've been together for decades to the indicators that we can see from like the first few months of a relationship that will tell you, is this good? Is this bad? Will this love grow? Will it fade? So I hope you have learnt a lot. I certainly have. I've been talking about this episode in my kind of, I guess,
46:37 Jemma Sbeg? findings all week to my friends, especially like my friends who are just started dating people and like, does he do this? Or does she do that? So hopefully you can bring this, this knowledge into your own life and through it now as your own, your own friends. With that in mind, make sure you send them this episode. If you think that they would get a kick out of it or you think they would enjoy it. Make sure you are following along on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening and give us a five star review. It really helps the show to grow and to evolve. And hi, if you have made it this far. Well, this is the, the secret club that we have at the end of the episode where if you make it to the end, you get an emoji. So you can leave it in the comments below. I think our emoji would just be a heart. Choose whatever color you want, whatever,
47:21 Jemma Sbeg? whatever color is best representing your love life at the moment, color of heart. I think that's like, let's do a little check in on how everyone's feeling about love at the moment. But again, thank you for listening. Make sure you're following us on Instagram. I always forget what to say at the end of the episodes. But yes, make sure you're following us on Instagram at that psychology podcast. So you can know what episodes are coming out next. Join the conversation even further. Send episode suggestions my way and we will be back next week. Stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. We will talk very, very soon.
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