Ep 226: Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir

We finish a bottle of Por Osos on this episode with Bert Kreischer and even get a fun pop in from everybodys favorite Ari Shaffir. He joins us after we're already toasted, hope he can catch up. Check out Bert's special "Lucky" on Netflix now. Give Ari's special on Netflix a spin too "American Sweetheart" Support the show and get your $1-per-month trial period of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Bert Kreischer: https://www.bertbertbert.com Ari Shaffir: https://arishaffir.com Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcastomedy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  You can roll on this.

• 0:07Mark Normand?

  Okay, roll it up.

• 0:09Speaker 00

  Here's my problem. I said something super funny on Chris DiStefano and Yanis Pappas's podcast

• 0:16Speaker 00

  about therapy. And as soon as I said it, I went, I should have said that for my act. That's the only problem I have is like, I should.

• 0:24Sam Morril?

  Well, why can't you just use it in your act?

• 0:26Mark Normand?

  You can do it.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Oh, no. Buddy, I had a joke about.

• 0:29Sam Morril?

  You can repeat, we can't.

• 0:30Speaker 00

  I had.

• 0:31Sam Morril?

  Pod to a special?

• 0:32Speaker 00

  No.

• 0:32Sam Morril?

  Why not?

• 0:32Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 0:33Speaker 00

  No, because your special's special.

• 0:35Sam Morril?

  I know, but you can, you can add to it. You can hone it. You can make it better.

• 0:37Speaker 00

  You can, maybe you can build to it, but like, I had a joke, I told Tom a joke one time that it made him laugh so hard that I went, I'm gonna use that in my act. It was, I took a shit in Japan, so a big one time, the guy in the stall next to me threw up. And it's a true story. And he threw up, and it was in Japan, so I thought he was talking to me. So he was like, ugh! And so Tom laughed hysterically.

• 0:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 0:58Speaker 00

  I wanted to open my special, I want to, hey, big boy, razzle-dazzle, hey, big boy, I wanted to open it with it. I wanted to open with that joke.

• 1:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  And I was opening with that, and this is what was happening in the audience.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Because they heard it on the pod. You heard it. A joke's special because you hear it that one time. And so I changed it to a joke that happened with Ari, the week before he drugged me, was I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. She was like, fuck, you guys need separate rooms. And so, but like, but it's funny, but it's not as good as the Japan one.

• 1:30Sam Morril?

  Good shit joke.

• 1:30Speaker 00

  I love shit jokes.

• 1:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Wow, see, we're lucky because no one listens to this. So we can just repeat ours.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  It was good seeing you guys.

• 1:38Speaker 00

  Hey, check out my special, Lucky's streaming right now on Netflix.

• 1:40Mark Normand?

  It's cooking. You're in the top 10, baby. I watched it. You come out swinging. I mean, it's blowjob right out of the gate.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:47Mark Normand?

  It's, it's the opposite of Nanette.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  You know how I.

• 1:51Mark Normand?

  Well, same body.

• 1:52Sam Morril?

  Most specials is the opposite of Nanette.

• 1:54Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  She still has one of my favorite jokes.

• 1:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah?

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:58Mark Normand?

  I got ripped?

• 1:59Speaker 00

  I got ripped.

• 2:00Sam Morril?

  That one?

• 2:01Speaker 00

  This is why you guys are are great podcasters is that you're so quick. It's why you also can do crowd work because your crowd work is just topical shit you throw away anyway. That's why you guys are so good is you're just quick and funny and you're always writing. Someone like me, and this is why I'm I'm I have a hard time on on some podcasts and on like roasts is I'm a storyteller. So I I have to tell you the thing that happened to me.

• 2:29Mark Normand?

  You're personal.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  I'm personal and uh yeah, so but God, that was funny.

• 2:35Mark Normand?

  Your people want you. They want your life. I don't know if they want mine.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  I do.

• 2:40Mark Normand?

  Eh, I don't even know if I want mine.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Brand new kid. Are you kidding me?

• 2:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I got some kid stuff.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Do you like, I think I I the the best compliment I ever got was I posted a video of Leanne pulling a what are we, bladder infections?

• 2:56Sam Morril?

  We heard you. We heard you wanted cranberry. We wanted grapefruit.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I can't do grapefruit because I have on blood pressure medicine.

• 3:02Sam Morril?

  Might be a sign that you should slow down the drinking.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no. Blood pressure medicine.

• 3:06Mark Normand?

  You can have poison, not grapefruit.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  Grapefruit counteracts with medications.

• 3:10Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, so you can't.

• 3:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  You can't take medications and grapefruit.

• 3:14Mark Normand?

  That's gonna kill my blue chew.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Definitely don't do that. Wait, are you on a blue chew for real?

• 3:20Mark Normand?

  Wait, is it bad for your heart?

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're good.

• 3:23Mark Normand?

  All right, shit. Oh, God.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  No, um, what was I just saying? Oh, I posted a video. Leanne and I, right after the cruise, we went to we went. What did you say?

• 3:36Mark Normand?

  What is this shit?

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Grapefruit. Shut the fuck up. Let's drink some bodega cat.

• 3:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, sorry. Sorry, you were saying?

• 3:47Speaker 00

  No, hey, listen, I can I tell you, we got approached by whiskey first and I my initial thing was they already got bodega cat.

• 3:55Sam Morril?

  You and Tom both told me that. It's very nice of you guys.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  It's like, why would you compete with a friend when you're you can do something that no one's doing?

• 4:02Sam Morril?

  You hear that gaffigan?

• 4:03Speaker 00

  Is gaffigan out of whiskey? What's it called? Seven Children?

• 4:09Sam Morril?

  It's called, uh, Father Time. It's a good name.

• 4:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah, solid, so. But you're a vodka guy anyway.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Buddy, let me, let me tell you a story. I sat on a plane next to a fucking beautiful man one time. I was leaving Philly. And early flight, hungover, and the lady comes up, she goes, can I get you a drink? And I said, Heineken, in the can, no glass, just a can, please. She goes, okay. I'm very specific about my cocktails. She says, sir, can I get you a drink? And he goes, ooh, I wouldn't mind something. He goes, uh, double Tito's and soda, uh, please. And I went, ooh, vodka this early? And he went, it's in my contract. And I went, what? And he goes, I'm a male model, so the only thing I'm contracted, uh, label, able to drink is vodka. Cause it doesn't bloat you, keeps you skinny. And I went, hmm. I said, ma'am, can I change mine to a double Tito's and soda?

• 4:58Speaker 00

  And that day forward, I drank only Tito's.

• 5:01Mark Normand?

  Well, how do you explain the bloat?

• 5:02Speaker 00

  I don't know. I guess it doesn't work for everybody.

• 5:06Mark Normand?

  Why, why, why? He's not being shot there.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  He was going to a shoot or something.

• 5:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, interesting.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I, I heard that conversation, I had that conversation and I went, I went, alright, I'm a vodka guy. And then that year-

• 5:16Sam Morril?

  A model flying first is doing pretty well, too.

• 5:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  Dude, he was gorgeous. His name was Tad.

• 5:21Mark Normand?

  Tad, holy shit.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Tad. I mean, you know the kind of face where you go, do you need to shave? That's the perfect color skin.

• 5:31Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  Like, it's just perfectly tanned with a great jawline.

• 5:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Man, must be nice.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:39Mark Normand?

  Tad.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  You wanna hear, you wanna hear another good story?

• 5:41Mark Normand?

  Sure, I hope it's better than that one.

• 5:43Sam Morril?

  That one was a Tad Gay.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Never mind, you guys go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 5:52Mark Normand?

  That's a great album, Tad Gay.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Tad Gay.

• 5:55Mark Normand?

  Well, gay guys are the only ones looking at male models. I don't think women are even looking at male models. You never see a woman with like a model poster on their wall, do you?

• 6:03Speaker 00

  I don't know. It's the same thing with big dicks. Women don't care about big dicks, we care about big dicks.

• 6:08Mark Normand?

  Thank God.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  I only want a big dick to show other men.

• 6:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, good point. Or like Chris Evans, you want it to leak. There was, all these big dick guys just happen to have their dicks leaked.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Brad Pitt. Do you remember Brad Pitt's dick pic?

• 6:20Sam Morril?

  Is he packing heat?

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Brad Pitt's kinda fog.

• 6:22Mark Normand?

  Really? A thog?

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:26Mark Normand?

  That's a-

• 6:27Sam Morril?

  What does that mean?

• 6:27Speaker 00

  A fog. It's like a fucking-

• 6:29Mark Normand?

  A thick hog?

• 6:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:30Mark Normand?

  Wait, I didn't know this.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, look at Brad.

• 6:32Mark Normand?

  That's not, I mean-

• 6:34Sam Morril?

  That's good.

• 6:34Speaker 00

  But you gotta remember, he's 6'3".

• 6:37Mark Normand?

  Six one.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Is he six one?

• 6:38Mark Normand?

  Six two.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Look, he's always.

• 6:40Mark Normand?

  Wait a minute, I don't know if that's a thog.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  It's better than mine.

• 6:43Mark Normand?

  No, I've seen your dick.

• 6:45Sam Morril?

  Let me zoom in.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Pull up my dick.

• 6:46Sam Morril?

  This is, this is getting pretty gay that I'm.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  Pulling my dick.

• 6:48Mark Normand?

  A tad gay.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  Pull up my dick.

• 6:51Mark Normand?

  I don't know if that's that.

• 6:53Sam Morril?

  On the right, he looks pretty good.

• 6:54Mark Normand?

  That's not in the right home of it.

• 6:55Speaker 00

  And it's not hard, it's not hard.

• 6:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's not hard.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  Alright, go to, um, who's married to Katy Perry?

• 7:00Sam Morril?

  God, I love that we're not even drunk yet, and we're like, let's look at pictures of dudes' dicks.

• 7:03Speaker 00

  Who, who's Katy Perry, Katy Perry?

• 7:05Mark Normand?

  Russell Brand?

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Nope. Orlando Bloom's dick's pretty nice.

• 7:08Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 7:08Speaker 00

  Paddle boarding naked in the ocean.

• 7:10Mark Normand?

  Pull it up!

• 7:11Speaker 00

  I've seen this a lot.

• 7:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy. See, men know dicks.

• 7:14Speaker 00

  Look at this. Yeah.

• 7:18Mark Normand?

  Alright, alright.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  It's a good dick.

• 7:19Mark Normand?

  Uncut.

• 7:20Sam Morril?

  But why?

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Uncut.

• 7:22Mark Normand?

  That's pretty good soft.

• 7:23Speaker 00

  Alright, now type in Burt Kreis.

• 7:25Sam Morril?

  It's an uncut gem.

• 7:27Speaker 00

  It's an uncut gem.

• 7:29Mark Normand?

  Interesting. Uncut is, is wild to put out in the sun, but it's got a little hood.

• 7:33Speaker 00

  Just go to images?

• 7:34Mark Normand?

  It's not gonna get, uh, sunburned.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  Okay, far left. Far left. Yeah.

• 7:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, I remember this photo.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:42Mark Normand?

  Hey, now see that? Now that looks way better.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  So here's the deal. So I got really turned on to, uh, they call them meat prints.

• 7:51Sam Morril?

  Is this like a Hollywood Walk of Fame star, but for your dick?

• 7:54Speaker 00

  No, this is, look, my brains not like your brains, okay? So, the way I see marketing sometimes is a little different. So I was following dudes who had big dicks, and were doing posts about nothing, but you saw their dick in their pants, and then I would be like, every fucking video, you'd see his dick in his pants. And, and I was like, and, and it's called meat prints. So I was like, dude, I'm gonna start putting in meat prints. So I posted a picture, yeah.

• 8:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, Ham.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Meat prints. Jon Hamm has a fucking hog.

• 8:24Mark Normand?

  That's a hog.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  That's, you can see the head of his dick in that.

• 8:26Mark Normand?

  And it's, it's wide.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. So, so like, if I ever took a gem picture, right, I'd always make sure that my dick was a little hard, and it was in the pants, so that people go, you look great, and then a couple guy goes, look at his dick.

• 8:40Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Then you get the comments running, and they're like, dude, look at his fucking hog. And then this one, I was like, I was like, let's just do straight up dick.

• 8:46Mark Normand?

  Did you chub at all, or is that natural?

• 8:48Speaker 00

  Oh, it's almost rock hard, Mark. It's almost rock hard.

• 8:53Mark Normand?

  Smart, smart move.

• 8:54Speaker 00

  And people are like, dude, we get it, you lost weight. I go, you're missing the pic.

• 8:58Sam Morril?

  If you were near a playground, you'd be banned for that, right?

• 9:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah, a hundred percent.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  The sad thing is, my daughters are on my Instagram.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Dude, we posted, we posted a video the other day of Leanne explaining how her sex toy works.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  And Isla was like.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  Isla, Isla was like, dad, never post that again. Seriously, dad, I'm on your Instagram.

• 9:21Sam Morril?

  What kind of sex toy?

• 9:24Speaker 00

  It's from this place called Woo, Woo More Play.

• 9:29Mark Normand?

  Woo More Play, sounds like my Asian ex.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Woo More Play, yeah, go to that website. Uh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the one with the heart, that one, yeah. And so, Leanne never used a toy in her whole fucking life, right? Never used a toy, never, would never, I mean, I'm speaking a little out of school, but like, she was very meat and potatoes. Like, just, you had sex, and that was it. Nothing came into the room, nothing like, nothing wild.

• 9:54Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  And then, she got on testosterone, I talked about it in the special, and man, she turned into a whore, and she, and, and she started listening, she started listening to other women talk about shit they liked, and she, let's try that. And there's a woman named, um, Bostic, Michael and, I'm sorry, I can't remember her name right now, Bostic is her last name. And, um, she sent Leanne this, and said, try this, and then try their, their lube is like crazy good, because it's, it's coconut oil based, so it smells great, and it doesn't, it's not like a lube. Lube feels like whore gel, you know, like, like, you're like, you ever have, put too much lube on your hand and you can't jerk off, you can't feel it?

• 10:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it looks slippery.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, and you're like, I feel like a dolphin swimming, like.

• 10:37Sam Morril?

  McCauley Colton could use this in Home Alone to trip him up, you know?

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Lube is gross. And, and you feel like you just fucked a whore, and you're like, blech.

• 10:47Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  But this Woo shit that they have, is like, is, uh, it smells great, and then, it's like, I, it's amazing, it's also edible.

• 10:56Mark Normand?

  And now, what does that do? Does that put on the clit, I assume?

• 10:59Speaker 00

  No, no, god damn it. So this is what the video is about. Our friends, Leanne got all her friends one, and her friend tried to put her husband's dick through that. She didn't know how it worked.

• 11:09Sam Morril?

  What?

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:10Sam Morril?

  He must have a weird shaped cock, what the hell?

• 11:12Speaker 00

  He's Asian.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  That's just true.

• 11:18Mark Normand?

  Woo handjob.

• 11:21Mark Normand?

  Oh wow.

• 11:21Speaker 00

  I'm gonna need another cocktail.

• 11:24Mark Normand?

  I'm learning a lot here. This is, I'll get the wife one.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  I'll tell you, man, Leanne got into this like very adventurous sexual phase of her life.

• 11:32Mark Normand?

  I saw that at the Superdome. She would not leave you alone. You guys went in the bathroom like three times.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  She is, she is, uh, I don't know, man. It's like, I, I don't know what, what happened to her. It's like, it's like being married to a different person.

• 11:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:43Speaker 00

  I'm very happy now. Like, I was always happy, but I didn't know like you couldn't order anything other than a cheeseburger.

• 11:48Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Right? And I was like, cool, I like cheeseburgers. Everyone likes cheeseburgers. Sure, I look at fucking Trudukian and I'm like, that would be fucking all amazing, right?

• 11:55Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  But I was like, I got cheeseburger. I always order cheeseburger.

• 11:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:59Speaker 00

  And then one day she was like, yo, you ever put peanut butter on a cheeseburger? And I was like, okay.

• 12:03Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  Try it. I was like, that's fucking good. And she was like, yo, fuck the cheeseburger. Let's get pizza. And I was like, okay, I'm in. And so we're in this like wild, wild phase right now. It's been really fun. Yeah.

• 12:14Mark Normand?

  Well, weird, weird. God set it up so strange because we're horny as shit at 19 to, to 28 and then women aren't that horny. And then they're horny as shit from like 39 to 52.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:25Mark Normand?

  And then so that's why I always liked Cougars when I was young.

• 12:27Sam Morril?

  That's why they wanna fuck the 19 year olds.

• 12:29Mark Normand?

  Exactly. They're fucking all the students in Florida.

• 12:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:32Mark Normand?

  But yeah, I always went after Cougar because they were like a guy.

• 12:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah. They're getting fucked on the banned books in Florida.

• 12:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  People go, if Leanne died, would you marry like a young girl? And I went, no. I'd go right back to where I was. Perimenopausal is the fucking best.

• 12:47Mark Normand?

  The best. You can shoot all in there. No kid.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  I'm, I'm like, I'm attracted to like all our peers, all our female comics that are perimenopausal.

• 12:54Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 12:54Speaker 00

  I go like, I bet.

• 12:55Sam Morril?

  Like, give me a name.

• 12:56Speaker 00

  Sarah. I bet Sarah's fucking whoa.

• 12:58Sam Morril?

  Sarah Silverman.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Sarah fucking, uh, Chelsea.

• 13:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 13:03Mark Normand?

  Leanne Morgan?

• 13:04Speaker 00

  Oh, shut the fuck up, Miss Pat.

• 13:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, I tried.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Dude, Sarah's hot as fuck. Uh, like.

• 13:12Mark Normand?

  She's a very attractive lady.

• 13:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Sarah's gorgeous.

• 13:14Mark Normand?

  She doesn't age.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  No. It's so funny is she came and did the podcast or maybe my cooking show. And, uh, her and Leanne just started, went immediately into menopause talk.

• 13:23Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  They're both going through menopause.

• 13:25Mark Normand?

  Now, what is that? No period, no kids.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  No period, but you kinda turn into a dude a little bit.

• 13:30Mark Normand?

  I like that.

• 13:31Speaker 00

  You're like, your testosterone ups up, and you're like, it's like, real, I should rephrase that. But women start really achieving when they hit menopause. That's when they get like their, that's when they get their like second wind to become like fucking gangsters.

• 13:45Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Martha Stewart, fucking menopause, fucking boom.

• 13:49Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 13:49Sam Morril?

  She's still rocking too, she's like in her eighties. She looks amazing.

• 13:53Mark Normand?

  She looks great.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Dude.

• 13:54Mark Normand?

  You know she fucks and she'll make you a hell of a sandwich after.

• 13:56Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  But she won't eat it in bed.

• 14:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true, that's true.

• 14:03Speaker 00

  No, no, no, we get up and we put on a shirt if we're gonna eat a sandwich. Jeffrey?

• 14:07Mark Normand?

  Also, she's been to jail, so she's kinda like, she's dirty.

• 14:09Sam Morril?

  She's got an edge.

• 14:10Mark Normand?

  She's got an edge.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:11Mark Normand?

  Exactly. She was scissoring in there.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  What do you think the hottest, oldest, uh?

• 14:18Mark Normand?

  Betty White.

• 14:19Speaker 00

  Ethnicity.

• 14:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, oh, oh, well, J-Lo is cooking at 52 or whatever. She looks great.

• 14:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah, a little color definitely helps you not crack.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, Irish, 52, looks like a fucking dry foot.

• 14:34Mark Normand?

  Old potato.

• 14:35Sam Morril?

  Putting desannacs on their face.

• 14:36Mark Normand?

  Son daughter over there.

• 14:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:38Mark Normand?

  But, uh, that's gotta be tough. I think Ben Affleck's kid is trans as well.

• 14:42Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah?

• 14:43Mark Normand?

  What's going on in LA? Bert, tell us, your kids are not trans, right?

• 14:48Speaker 00

  No, they're not. I don't know, we're not on Rogan.

• 14:54Mark Normand?

  Looks like Adam Friedland.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  What are you doing?

• 14:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, I don't know. He put the picture up.

• 14:59Sam Morril?

  That's not Ben Affleck's kid, though, it's her kid.

• 15:01Mark Normand?

  I think his is trans as well, I'm saying. Yeah, yeah.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  This is why I say shut the fuck up about that, right? You know, I said this to you as my friend. Don't you want to meet Ben Affleck and him to go like, hey dude, I fucking, you're awesome?

• 15:12Mark Normand?

  I didn't say anything bad, I just said his kid is trans, which is a fact.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know, his kid's trans.

• 15:16Sam Morril?

  It was an observation.

• 15:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I mean, Jersey Girl was bad, you know? But.

• 15:22Sam Morril?

  The town, the town was good, though.

• 15:24Mark Normand?

  Town was great.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Town was fucking.

• 15:26Mark Normand?

  The town was great.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  Bro? I watched that on repeat where he goes, I'm gonna ask you to do something. I can have no questions. But it's gonna involve some crimes. We're gonna maybe kill someone. Are you in? He goes, whose car we taking?

• 15:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 15:40Speaker 00

  Shut the fuck up Jeremy Renner.

• 15:42Sam Morril?

  Gets you hyped up.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  God.

• 15:43Mark Normand?

  Boston had a moment.

• 15:44Sam Morril?

  Jeremy Renner crushes that.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Can I tell you, if I, okay, I know there's people that clip out everything from every podcast in the world. Can, and I know you probably hate me, can you just do me a favor and clip out all the best scenes from every movie like this? And let me watch them so I get pumped the fuck up.

• 15:59Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah. Like when they used to, remember at sporting events, they used to do that where they would like, they'd be like, it would be like Peter Finch from Network and he'd be like, I want you to stand up. And I want you to yell. And I'd be like, let's go Mets. Let's go. But it would get you, they'd get you, the fucking Hoosier scene where they're just like.

• 16:17Mark Normand?

  Yes. How about that great scene where?

• 16:19Speaker 00

  What team do you play for? USA. Shut the fuck up.

• 16:24Mark Normand?

  How about that great scene where Jeremy Renner gets hit by the snowplow? Alright.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  Don't you wanna meet him one day and he'll have to say to you?

• 16:33Sam Morril?

  Shut up, Sally Keats, you copycat.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  It's crazy because like, I've definitely done that where I've talked shit about people. And I've done, I've done it wildly. And then they've approached me about it and been like.

• 16:44Sam Morril?

  Who? Give us a name.

• 16:45Mark Normand?

  I'm surprised you don't, you wanna meet anybody after that Sandler meet. I mean, that was legendary.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  So bad.

• 16:50Sam Morril?

  What happened?

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Sandler?

• 16:53Mark Normand?

  You didn't see that?

• 16:54Sam Morril?

  No.

• 16:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, this is a classic.

• 16:55Sam Morril?

  Who, who have you met though that before we, when we get to this, who have you met where it's been bad?

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Uh, Dax Shepard.

• 17:01Mark Normand?

  Oh, why?

• 17:02Speaker 00

  I was doing, you know, you're doing podcasts and you're fucking around and you're like, and like, Tom, Tom and I are doing a podcast and he's like, yo, Dax Shepard is on a new podcast, number one podcast in the country. I was like, I fucked Dax Shepard.

• 17:13Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  I just started trashing Dax Shepard.

• 17:15Mark Normand?

  What?

• 17:17Sam Morril?

  You're lecturing him?

• 17:18Speaker 00

  He in the fence all of a sudden?

• 17:19Mark Normand?

  Well, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't say fuck that guy. I'd just say, I got a trans kid.

• 17:23Speaker 00

  You know when you talk wild and you're just drunk?

• 17:24Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 17:25Speaker 00

  And I just trash him and I'm like, I'm like, dude, I don't know what I say. I went off, you know? You know when you, you know when your boy's like egging you on and you're like, and he's laughing. So you're like, I'll make him laugh harder.

• 17:36Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  And then two things happened. Number one, I got a Dax Shepard shirt in the mail.

• 17:42Mark Normand?

  Whoa, he sent a message.

• 17:43Sam Morril?

  Passive aggressive.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  And I was like, oh, fuck.

• 17:45Mark Normand?

  It's like a horse head in the bed.

• 17:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  Then I gotta, then like, I don't talk to him for like, by the way, I have big stuff coming out where I'm not do, I would love to have done his podcast. You know, like the movie came out, I would love to have done his podcast, but like, yo, I talked shit. It's like, you just, you dig, you slay them in the hole you dig.

• 18:03Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 18:03Sam Morril?

  You talk shit on the number one podcast.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  Dude.

• 18:07Mark Normand?

  Is it number one?

• 18:08Sam Morril?

  That's what he just said.

• 18:09Speaker 00

  It was the number one podcast at the time.

• 18:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, geez.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  It was like so fucking hot and it still is a huge.

• 18:14Sam Morril?

  Bert's like, you know who else sucks? Caller daddy, Rogan.

• 18:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, good way to get on.

• 18:19Speaker 00

  But hold on, you see.

• 18:19Mark Normand?

  Gavin Newsom.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  We know dudes that have trashed Rogan publicly that even been on his podcast.

• 18:25Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  And they, they're doing it because they fucking, they're bummed that he's not returning their call.

• 18:30Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 18:32Speaker 00

  They have no idea, he has seven numbers ago.

• 18:34Sam Morril?

  It's, it's like a, it's like a chick.

• 18:35Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 18:36Sam Morril?

  It's like a chick who you're mad about and you're outside the window with a fucking stereo.

• 18:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  She moved houses.

• 18:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  She didn't even live in that house anymore. And you're out there going, why isn't she opening her window?

• 18:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 00

  So, so then Dax says to me, so then I get a call and they're like, yo, what's happening with a couple of people I've trashed?

• 18:55Sam Morril?

  Damn. Well, I'll only hear the other names too.

• 18:57Mark Normand?

  I know, I'm, I can't wait.

• 18:58Speaker 00

  Kevin Hart.

• 18:59Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 19:00Sam Morril?

  What?

• 19:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, but not like a real trashing, but like, it's, it's the whole name of this special is Lucky and it's because I got.

• 19:09Sam Morril?

  At the end, do you say, thanks, I'm Kevin Hart?

• 19:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 19:11Sam Morril?

  That would be a horrible idea.

• 19:12Mark Normand?

  Horrible idea, yeah. What a hack move.

• 19:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so stupid.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  I, I, I had a period of time where I was tired of hearing about people's hard work.

• 19:23Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  I was like, yo, you can work your ass off. We all know guys who bust their ass.

• 19:27Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  Every day, every day they show up to the club, they have new jokes, they're working their ass off, but they just haven't had the, the lucky break. The one thing, you know, uh, and, and everyone can identify that lucky break is like, something really great happens to you and then all of a sudden it opens up the fucking world to you. And so, and Kevin Hart used to say. And by the way, Kevin, I'm already sorry for what I'm about to say.

• 19:47Sam Morril?

  Oh, boy.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  But Kevin Hart used to say, you know, I'm the hardest working man in comedy. I'm the hardest working man in comedy. And at a time, it was like, it was kind of like grating on my ears. So I was like, no, we all work hard. But you have had lucky breaks. I want to hear about, I just wanted to hear about the lucky break.

• 20:01Sam Morril?

  Ah.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  I wanted to hear, just tell me a lucky break so that that gives me hope.

• 20:05Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  That I can believe in luck. Like, hard work, dude, there's a dude digging a hole, listening to this right now going, yeah, I bust my ass every day. I can't catch a break.

• 20:15Sam Morril?

  True.

• 20:15Speaker 00

  And I was like, and so, an agent came up to me.

• 20:18Sam Morril?

  Uh oh.

• 20:19Speaker 00

  And he goes, I heard what you said about Kevin Hart. You want to know his lucky break? I said, I would love to. He said, uh...

• 20:24Sam Morril?

  He did Dax Shepard's podcast and it put him over the top.

• 20:27Speaker 00

  No, no, this is wild.

• 20:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  He goes, Kevin Hart, uh, Kevin Hart did, uh, Soul Plane.

• 20:38Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Didn't do well. So he got put on timeout, right?

• 20:42Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 20:42Speaker 00

  You can't, you're not, you're not, yeah, you hop off the carousel and you gotta wait till it goes around a couple of times to get back on.

• 20:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  And then they have a movie called Fool's Gold with Matthew McConaughey and Kate, uh, Hudson.

• 20:53Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  Cat Williams is supposed to play the gangster in that. Cat Williams packs a gun in his luggage and he gets arrested at the airport.

• 21:01Sam Morril?

  Ah, was that his regular gun or the movie gun?

• 21:04Speaker 00

  His regular gun.

• 21:05Sam Morril?

  Okay. Did he not know you're not supposed to do that?

• 21:09Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 21:09Sam Morril?

  It's Cat Williams.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  Principal photography's starting in a week. They already have a wardrobe for a small, black man.

• 21:16Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  I want to hear that story. Tell me that story.

• 21:20Sam Morril?

  That's a great story.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  Cause that's the story I can hang my hat on. You know, I'm...

• 21:23Sam Morril?

  We need like James Belushi to like fucking, yeah, get arrested for weed and they're like, Burt's stepping in, dude. According to Burt.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  But every, every comic, every comic's got a viral lucky moment, a lucky moment.

• 21:35Sam Morril?

  That's a good point.

• 21:36Speaker 00

  And, and, and, and it makes you go viral. And I'll, I'll do it for everyone. I'll do it for everyone if you want. But I can tell you, Burz, you know Burz?

• 21:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah. The, the heckle thing?

• 21:44Speaker 00

  The Philly.

• 21:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  If that...

• 21:45Sam Morril?

  For you, it's the machine.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  A hundred percent.

• 21:47Sam Morril?

  Took Affleck in a top pocket. Yeah.

• 21:50Speaker 00

  It's, it's, it's that lucky moment. Mine was December 27th, a woman named Kristen Hudson opened up... iPad she got for Christmas, opened up two days late, she uploads Facebook, the first video she sees is my machine story. And she writes, I was in birch rushing class, I was on this trip, this story is 100% true, he fucking robbed us.

• 22:07Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  Like, it's like, you wanna, this is how much I believe in luck. Like, okay, I'm on my sixth special, my fourth Netflix special.

• 22:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  Maybe I don't do, maybe I only do two, you know, secret time comes out, does okay. Next one comes out, I'm like, I hope it does well. My special dropped March 17th, 2020.

• 22:30Mark Normand?

  Ah, the pandemic.

• 22:31Speaker 00

  Stay at home orders were March 14th. If that's not fucking luck, I don't know what is.

• 22:35Mark Normand?

  Good call.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Identify your luck, then you're being disingenuous to the people.

• 22:39Mark Normand?

  I had a similar thing happen in February 2020, my YouTube thing came out, not a lot of YouTube specials existed at the time, so that gave me a nice little bump.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. I remember talking to you on the phone about it. I remember talking to you on the phone about it.

• 22:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Thank God for the pandemic.

• 22:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank God for luck.

• 22:53Mark Normand?

  Nothing bad happened from that. No, no, but yeah, you're right, there's always something, there's always a thing, like, thank God with birds, there was a camera rolling.

• 23:00Speaker 00

  And by the way, she had a camera.

• 23:02Mark Normand?

  And it still worked.

• 23:03Speaker 00

  And it still worked.

• 23:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Jim Jefferies, you ready?

• 23:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, the punch, pull up the punch, it was like CCTV.

• 23:09Sam Morril?

  But Jim, but Jim has like three, Jim also had the, the gun bit.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no.

• 23:13Mark Normand?

  But that's a bit.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  No, no, that's a bit, that's a great bit, Jim Jefferies, here's what's crazy, Brett, um, Pinter, no, Andres, Andres.

• 23:24Mark Normand?

  3000.

• 23:25Speaker 00

  No, no, Brett is his, Andres' brother, and Brett's a manager in, in there.

• 23:30Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  And so Brett was, didn't, he knew how to edit, he knew how, he was Jim's manager.

• 23:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  Jim could have never posted that on MySpace, Jim's never used a fucking computer in his life.

• 23:42Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  Like, there's crazy luck that applies to life, and I feel if you identify your luck, you're that much smarter of a man. And don't, don't sit there and go, I deserve this.

• 23:51Mark Normand?

  No, no.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  I got lucky as fuck, I met a guy one time, who was like, hey man, I'd love for you my podcast, I was like, yeah, I don't really know what podcasts are, but that would be cool. Fucking Joe Rogan.

• 24:03Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  Come on, man, come on, what the fuck are we talking about?

• 24:06Sam Morril?

  Who's another guy that you, that you talk shit about that had to run into, cause that is interesting.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  Dax Shepard was the one, he's the one. Dax Shepard, um, I got a good, I'm doing a podcast with a guy, I.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  Trashed on Rogan.

• 24:20Mark Normand?

  Uh oh.

• 24:21Sam Morril?

  Who?

• 24:21Speaker 00

  Uh, Gene Simmons.

• 24:22Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 24:24Speaker 00

  Dax Shepard came, and so like, I would get texts or a thing.

• 24:27Mark Normand?

  What was you?

• 24:28Speaker 00

  Kevin Hart wants you to be on his podcast. And I would be like, cool. Cause I know I kinda like, I kinda made fun, like I would trash him for the hard work shit. But I was like, I, I know we're cool. And I hung out with him at the Brady roast.

• 24:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  We're fine. And we're totally fine.

• 24:40Mark Normand?

  And it's cool that they have you on. It's one thing if they're like, fuck him, I never want to see him again. But they're like, no, let's talk about it.

• 24:45Speaker 00

  And so I get a text a couple of times, Dax Shepard for Two Bears? And I'm like, yeah. In my head, I go like, I hope so. I'd love to, you know, clear the air or whatever.

• 24:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Maybe he didn't hear it. So Dax Shepard comes on Two Bears. And I was like, hey, man, such a fan. And he's like, oh, they're so similar, man. Like, so cool. He's like, yo, I have a tour bus at my house. I was like, no way. He's like, yeah. He's like, can I see your tour bus? I was like, yeah. And we're clicking, we're clicking. And I was like, nice. Bring him into the fucking podcast house. And he's like, dude, this is great that you do this here. Man, this is crazy. We get up and I was like, dude, it's so good to have you. And he was like, why did you trash me?

• 25:17Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 25:19Speaker 00

  And I'm like.

• 25:20Sam Morril?

  He hit it.

• 25:20Mark Normand?

  Real good.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  But yeah, but he's, and I was like, and I told him, I was like, dude, when you do podcasts as much as we do, you talk recklessly, you say wild shit.

• 25:30Sam Morril?

  He's like, yeah, I know how podcasts work. I have the number one podcast in the world.

• 25:33Speaker 00

  And I've never trashed anybody. And he was like, and I was like, hey, man, if it's any consolation, I was trashing fucking Will Arnett and Jason Bateman too. And he was like, they're on my network.

• 25:43Sam Morril?

  Well, dude, the thing is. We, you realize we talk so much.

• 25:47Mark Normand?

  Of course. And we recorded on.

• 25:49Sam Morril?

  And we're drunk.

• 25:50Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  And we're drunk and we go, and we're like, I remember one time going on Rogan and I was like, yo, I'm not gonna trash anybody. I'm gonna celebrate everybody. Like, anytime a name comes up, I'm gonna say how much I love them. And I did it. The next day, I never happened on Rogan before. I got like 10 texts from everyone like, dude, that was so cool of you. You're the best, man. Thank you so much. I love you to death. And I was like, I should stop trashing people.

• 26:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  But it's so fun.

• 26:14Mark Normand?

  I know, and it's fun.

• 26:15Sam Morril?

  But both are fun. It's fun to put people over too.

• 26:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Cosby, I love your later work.

• 26:19Sam Morril?

  I love him. I think Epstein was really cool.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Gene Simmons was the wildest one.

• 26:23Sam Morril?

  What, what did he say about, what did he say about him?

• 26:25Speaker 00

  So I met Gene Simmons like 22 years ago. He was a cunt. He was an absolute fucking cunt. I mean, like, top to bottom, I was the biggest Kiss fan, dressed as Gene Simmons for Halloween, did my talent show dressed as Gene Simmons, and I've never been more let down than a celebrity in my entire life.

• 26:40Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  So I go on Rogan, I tell the whole story.

• 26:42Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  What a fucking dick. And I, and I start saying, hashtag fuck Gene Simmons.

• 26:47Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  Fuck Gene Simmons. And so.

• 26:49Mark Normand?

  Lick it up.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  So, but I go, but I go burn it to the ground, I don't care, right?

• 26:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  So I'm at the Forum. I'm at.

• 26:57Mark Normand?

  Well, you never think you're gonna see Gene Simmons.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  Tommy's show at the Forum. So we were all doing the Forum that week, like, uh, Netflix did a joke, we did Tom Brady, Tommy.

• 27:06Mark Normand?

  Schultz did one, or Gillis?

• 27:07Speaker 00

  No, no, no, they did, uh, they did the, the Staples Center.

• 27:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Fucking forty-two thousand or some shit.

• 27:14Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  We were all doing the Forum. Hey, by the way, still a big lift, okay?

• 27:18Mark Normand?

  That's a great, great thing.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  The Greek, I would fucking do the Greek.

• 27:21Sam Morril?

  We, we did it with you.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, that's right.

• 27:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that was a hell of a show.

• 27:24Sam Morril?

  We opened that, that was fun as hell.

• 27:25Mark Normand?

  We did IVs.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  Um, and I'm at Tommy's show, I'm doing it Friday, Tommy's like Wednesday, maybe I'm Saturday, Tommy's Thursday. And I'm at the bar, and, uh, at the club, and Gene Simmons' son comes up to me.

• 27:38Mark Normand?

  Uh-oh.

• 27:39Speaker 00

  And he's like, dude, I'm such a fan. And I immediately, I'm like, oh, fuck.

• 27:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  And I go, I go, oh, that's so cool, man, I'm, I'm, I'm a fan of his too, cause I, I've seen him on stuff. And I watched their fa- show Family Jewels, and I found him and his sister very fucking funny and relatable. And I love their mom, I love their mom. And so I go, cool, and he goes, I'd love to introduce you to my dad, and I was like, I'm gonna pass. And he goes, why? I said, I, you know, man, I just, uh, I'm good, I'm good. And he goes, hold on, what, he treated you like shit? And I went, yeah. And he goes, what's the story? And I go, I, I'd rather not share. And he goes, hold on, he goes, mom, come here. Brings his mom over.

• 28:14Mark Normand?

  The hot blonde?

• 28:15Speaker 00

  Yes, she's gorgeous.

• 28:16Sam Morril?

  Shannon Tweed?

• 28:16Mark Normand?

  That's it.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Gorgeous.

• 28:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  She goes, she goes, my husband treated you like shit, I wanna hear the story. And so I tell them the story, I tell them the full fucking story. And they're like, cool, we'll fix this. And they're like, dad, get over here. And he comes over and he goes, uh, so nice to meet you, I'm Gene Simmons. And I go, yeah. And his son, his son goes, dad, you treated him like an asshole, like fucking twenty years ago, you need to apologize. And he goes.

• 28:42Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  He goes, I'd like to hear the story. So I tell the story of Gene treating me like an asshole twenty-two years ago, and he looks at me, he goes.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  I sincerely apologize.

• 28:52Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 28:53Speaker 00

  I'm not that person today. I have had missteps and...

• 28:56Sam Morril?

  Was he an alcoholic or something?

• 28:57Speaker 00

  No, no, he just, it's like...

• 28:58Mark Normand?

  He was a rock star.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  He was famous when you couldn't be famous.

• 29:01Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Like, we're all famous now and we're not, and we shouldn't be...

• 29:04Sam Morril?

  You are.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  I am, you are.

• 29:06Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Hold on.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  You get recognized walking down the street.

• 29:10Sam Morril?

  New York's different.

• 29:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:12Sam Morril?

  You get recognized walking down a street in Toledo.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, but, no, but you walk, you get, like, I had a crazy one. The bus driver pulled a bus over to say hi to me.

• 29:21Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  That was a fucking wild one. But the special just dropped. It's always, New York's a weird place, because they always, the first time I ever got recognized for anything was, uh, Secret Time, and it was in New York. They, they all fucking check out Netflix.

• 29:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, they love, you know what, the working man. Like, I'll get the garbage man going, "Comedy!" That's a great feeling.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  Dude, I got the one, I got the one guy smoking a joint in a, in a, in a nook, like, like one of those door nooks on the street.

• 29:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 29:47Speaker 00

  And he goes, "Ay!" And I was like, "Yeah," and he goes, "Fuck you." I said, "What?" And he goes, "You had me crying in my van today." And I was like, "Oh," and he was like, "Fucking dogs."

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Five foot six Puerto Rican, about 280 pounds.

• 30:00Mark Normand?

  Only a New Yorker opens with "fuck you."

• 30:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:02Mark Normand?

  And it's a good thing.

• 30:03Sam Morril?

  But it's a compliment. I love it.

• 30:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:04Sam Morril?

  That's what I love about this city.

• 30:06Mark Normand?

  Damn. Yeah, I get the cops every now and then, too. "Hey, comedy, comedy!" They love, they love Rogan.

• 30:10Speaker 00

  Can I tell you what's crazy? So, I went to Paris. I understand this is gonna sound a tad bit disconnected, but it, I don't care. I went to Paris, and I didn't get recognized, I got recognized like three times in Paris.

• 30:21Mark Normand?

  Well, they're sophisticated over there.

• 30:28Mark Normand?

  By the way, this shitting on people has worked. It's gotten you to meet these people, so maybe it's a move. You got, you got Dax in there, you got Gene Simmons.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  It shouldn't be the move.

• 30:36Mark Normand?

  Kevin Hart.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  I trash Reese Witherspoon one time.

• 30:39Sam Morril?

  Really? What'd you say?

• 30:41Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 30:44Mark Normand?

  All right, all right.

• 30:45Sam Morril?

  You haven't met her yet, though?

• 30:47Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 30:48Mark Normand?

  Come on in, Reese.

• 30:50Speaker 00

  The, uh, the, uh...

• 30:52Sam Morril?

  Why did I look?

• 30:52Speaker 00

  I was in, I was...

• 30:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, no, we know, yeah.

• 30:56Speaker 00

  I was in Paris and I, and I, it's crazy. I don't know if you guys, if, if this is, if you can do this yet, but like, I can tell you someone's gonna recognize me before they recognize me.

• 31:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you can see it.

• 31:06Speaker 00

  I can see, like, uh, you're, you're my guy.

• 31:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 31:09Speaker 00

  You're my guy. You don't know me. Like, if I saw him walking down the street, I was like, "What's up, dude?" And he'd be like, "Oh, shit." Like, I, I can, I can figure out my guys.

• 31:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, fellow, uh, chubster.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, beard, chub, my guy, right?

• 31:20Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Plankel shirt.

• 31:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  Fucking comfortable shoes, plantar fasciitis, that's my guy. So, uh, I was with a DJ. I don't, I don't know if you know who he is. DJ Zed is his name. And, uh, he's a very big DJ. And I sat, we were at some tennis tournament last week.

• 31:35Mark Normand?

  Hey, cute kid.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  You know all his songs. Every song he's ever done.

• 31:37Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 31:38Speaker 00

  Every song you've ever heard in your entire life.

• 31:40Mark Normand?

  Got it.

• 31:41Speaker 00

  He said to me, uh...

• 31:42Mark Normand?

  I'm Norman today.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  I told him, I said, I said, "I can tell you who's gonna recognize me," and he went, "Uh, really?" And I said, "Yeah," I said, "Watch this." And we were standing at this tennis tournament, this guy walks by, I go, "Right here, here we go." "What's up?" And he goes, "Oh, shit, the machine." And he goes, "Yeah," and I go, he goes, "Uh, well, I guess I can do the same thing." I go, "Really?" And he goes, "Yeah, watch this." And I go, "What?" And he goes, "Asian." Hey, and they go, "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God." So, I'm in Paris and I'm seeing dudes who should be fans of mine. I'm seeing guys that I go...

• 32:09Mark Normand?

  Fat Parisians?

• 32:10Speaker 00

  This table is gonna fucking lose their...

• 32:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 32:13Speaker 00

  When I walk in.

• 32:13Sam Morril?

  "La machine."

• 32:14Speaker 00

  And they're not, and they're not recognizing me, and I wanted to go over and be like, "You guys, I need to introduce you to something." Based on your clothing and your facial hair, you should be a big fan of this.

• 32:26Mark Normand?

  They want Gad Amalay or some shit over there. They don't want...

• 32:29Speaker 00

  Gad Amalay?

• 32:30Mark Normand?

  That's his name, right?

• 32:31Sam Morril?

  He's like the big French guy.

• 32:32Mark Normand?

  He's a big French comedian.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:35Mark Normand?

  They call him the French Seinfeld.

• 32:36Sam Morril?

  All the time.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  Oh, he was Seinfeld's boy.

• 32:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's huge over there. He does like arenas and whatnot. But I don't know if they like American comedy. We're like, American, so, you know, that's so lowbrow. They think we're stupid.

• 32:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but then you see what the shit they laugh at and you're like, we're lowbrow.

• 32:53Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 32:53Sam Morril?

  You like fucking mimes.

• 32:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, good point.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Hang on, some of the mime shit's good as fuck.

• 32:58Sam Morril?

  It's incredibly, like, it takes an insane skill step, but it's not like, it's not like comedy I want to watch.

• 33:02Mark Normand?

  No.

• 33:03Speaker 00

  I followed Boy with the tape on his face.

• 33:06Sam Morril?

  Oh dude, he beat me on America's Got Talent.

• 33:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, tape face? He's good.

• 33:10Sam Morril?

  He fucking rules. He's ama- but that's like Chaplin-esque type shit.

• 33:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's good.

• 33:14Sam Morril?

  That's incredible.

• 33:15Mark Normand?

  And he's American. British?

• 33:17Sam Morril?

  No, he's British.

• 33:18Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  I was at the Comedy Store in London.

• 33:21Sam Morril?

  He's, he is incredibly talented.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. He was, he was, I was like, I was like, I fucking smoke this shit.

• 33:27Sam Morril?

  No, I talked, I talked to him afterwards, he was like, great set, mate.

• 33:31Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 33:32Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, he was really nice.

• 33:33Mark Normand?

  I could get my wife to do that bit.

• 33:36Mark Normand?

  Tape.

• 33:36Speaker 00

  It's called hostage tape.

• 33:38Sam Morril?

  People are using that shit.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  It's going viral.

• 33:40Mark Normand?

  What's that? I've never heard of this.

• 33:41Sam Morril?

  Are you using that stuff?

• 33:42Speaker 00

  No, Rogan tried to turn me on to it. I'm like, I'm not gonna tape my mouth shut.

• 33:45Mark Normand?

  What the hell's hostage tape?

• 33:46Speaker 00

  My thing is talking.

• 33:49Speaker 00

  Maybe if I tape, maybe if I use hostage tape on Two Bears, people will watch it more.

• 33:52Mark Normand?

  Ah, that's the original Ozepic. You can't eat.

• 33:56Mark Normand?

  What is this?

• 33:57Sam Morril?

  It, it's, I guess it's supposed to help you sleep, right?

• 33:59Mark Normand?

  What?

• 34:00Sam Morril?

  You breathe through your nose instead of your mouth.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  You tape your mouth shut, and then you breathe through your nose, you don't snore, and you sleep better. So, apparently, mouth breathing, mou- you ever heard someone be called a mouth breather?

• 34:12Mark Normand?

  Sure, sure.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  And they're like dumb?

• 34:13Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  Well, it's because you don't give enough oxygen to your brains, you actually are dumb.

• 34:17Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  I am a hardcore mouth breather. I'm such a mouth breather, and this is what, why Joe and I started talking about this, was

• 34:25Speaker 00

  I had, I, uh, I would swell my uvula, because I breathed through my mouth so hard while I slept. So you know that little thing that dangles, your little goosel?

• 34:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. In the back?

• 34:37Speaker 00

  In the back.

• 34:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the hangy ball.

• 34:39Speaker 00

  The hangy ball? Mine would swell up.

• 34:41Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  Because I breathed through my mouth so hard. So if I drank too much and passed out, I'd breathe only through my mouth, not through my nose, and it would get so dry, it would get swollen, and then it would give me a panic attack.

• 34:52Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  Oh, because that's-

• 34:53Sam Morril?

  Do you wake up, do you get like hangovers where you wake up and you're like, fuck? Because you, yeah, you seem like you weather the storm.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  I, I drink, so, I drink- Every night I drink minimum four Liquid Death right before bed. Right before bed I drink.

• 35:06Mark Normand?

  Smart.

• 35:06Sam Morril?

  That's the hangover scene.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  Pete, how many did I have on the floor yesterday? Seven. I drink seven.

• 35:10Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 35:12Speaker 00

  I murder fucking water.

• 35:13Sam Morril?

  Doesn't that make you wake up to piss all night?

• 35:15Speaker 00

  No, I piss, I piss, yeah.

• 35:16Mark Normand?

  Have you heard?

• 35:17Speaker 00

  I piss and I go, I'm going back to bed, because I'm hydrated and I'm healthy. And I wake up, no fucking shaky.

• 35:24Mark Normand?

  Come on. I've tried everything. Nothing works for me.

• 35:27Speaker 00

  Morning, I woke, I got, I got so drunk last night, I had a Costa Rican chick take me to my room. And I had to tell her, yo.

• 35:34Sam Morril?

  I'm married.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  It's not happening. She was just a good Samaritan. I didn't know what room I was in. I didn't know my room number. I didn't have a key. She just carried me to my room.

• 35:44Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  And then I shot her down after all her good work.

• 35:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, sure. Let's do another round there.

• 35:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll do another round.

• 35:51Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  And then, uh, but then I murdered water. I woke up at 6 a.m., went to the gym, ran three miles, did the Today Show.

• 35:58Sam Morril?

  Look what Liquid Death has us talking like. I murdered water. It's so violent. We drank water.

• 36:04Mark Normand?

  I OJ'd some water.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  It's Liquid Death, the, the delivery system's brilliant.

• 36:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and no one believed in it. Like, can? A water? What is this? And then it just took off.

• 36:14Speaker 00

  I did early.

• 36:14Sam Morril?

  Have you tried the, have you tried the Topo Chico seltzer, though? It's fucking unbelievable.

• 36:19Mark Normand?

  Very good, in the glass bottle.

• 36:20Sam Morril?

  I don't know why it's so good.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  It's better in a cocktail.

• 36:23Sam Morril?

  It's very nice in a cocktail.

• 36:24Speaker 00

  No shit on Liquid Death. I love you guys.

• 36:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Are they a sponsor, Matt? Well, then you're fine, Liquid Death.

• 36:31Mark Normand?

  We're not big enough. They like Theo, they got you.

• 36:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah, well, hey, we'll take you this. We had him for a minute, I think, didn't we?

• 36:36Mark Normand?

  Call in. We'd love to have you.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  Reach out to Mike. Reach out to Dan.

• 36:39Sam Morril?

  No, we like it. It's good.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  You know, Dan is Colleen's son.

• 36:42Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's right.

• 36:43Sam Morril?

  Holy shit, from Omaha.

• 36:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:45Sam Morril?

  I love Colleen.

• 36:46Speaker 00

  Dude, I would argue.

• 36:47Sam Morril?

  I would argue that's, I would argue that's maybe the best workout room in the country.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  Can I tell you, I just talked about.

• 36:51Sam Morril?

  Omaha Funny Bone?

• 36:52Speaker 00

  I talked about this on the podcast today. I would, I'd bet, I'd bet $10,000 that Andrew Schultz and Shane Gillis have never done the Omaha Funny Bone.

• 37:01Mark Normand?

  Ooh, I've done it 10 times.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  I've done it.

• 37:04Sam Morril?

  We know, you know what they say about Omaha is when a fast food spot wants to try out a new item, they go to Omaha first because it's such a good representation of America.

• 37:13Mark Normand?

  It's America.

• 37:14Sam Morril?

  Well then, why wouldn't the club be the best club for knowing what's gonna work in this country?

• 37:18Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 37:19Sam Morril?

  I mean, it's perfect. That room is, I've had like some of my best sets.

• 37:22Mark Normand?

  It's magic in there.

• 37:23Sam Morril?

  Because they're so open-minded.

• 37:25Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 37:26Sam Morril?

  You can kinda go anywhere. I, I love Omaha.

• 37:28Speaker 00

  I did my, I did Razzle Dazzle in Omaha. And people were like, "Why'd you pick Omaha?" I go, "It's a great comedy town."

• 37:34Sam Morril?

  It is.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  I did my specials, uh, uh, Philadelphia, Cleveland, Omaha, Tampa.

• 37:41Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna do my next one in Tampa, I think.

• 37:43Mark Normand?

  Tampa's killer.

• 37:44Sam Morril?

  I love Tampa. You know, you can hear something no one in Tampa's ever said. You can't joke about that.

• 37:51Sam Morril?

  They're, they, they can take, I offended one person there in my entire life and I remember her face because that's how rarely it happens.

• 37:59Mark Normand?

  Would you make fun of Trump?

• 38:00Sam Morril?

  No, what I did was I did that, remember that alligator joke?

• 38:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, that was Tampa?

• 38:04Sam Morril?

  Baby getting eaten by the gator? A woman walked out of the fucking club, took a picture of herself crying and posted it on their Facebook page.

• 38:12Mark Normand?

  Crazy.

• 38:12Sam Morril?

  It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  What was the joke? Because I think I heard this. Now, we have a very specific response to that gator attack.

• 38:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  Everyone in Tampa does.

• 38:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Everyone in Florida does. Like, there's, and I think I'd be on your, your team.

• 38:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  Is that, yeah, you, no one ever jumped into a lake and felt safe. Like, there's fucking reptiles in there that eat you.

• 38:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:36Speaker 00

  Take you to their lair, wait your body decays, and then finishes you.

• 38:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:40Speaker 00

  Like, and so like, when, it's so fu, what was your joke?

• 38:44Sam Morril?

  Uh, I said, uh, it was the baby getting eaten by the gator at Disney and I said, you know, um, I said, "I wanna come off like a, a gun nut, but I think if that baby were armed, he'd still be with us." And, uh, and then I, I said, watching the, it was, this was like the, what set up the whole long bit. I said, uh, the mom came on, I, I said, "A woman got offended in the crowd," so this, she was like, "You can't joke about that." And it literally just happened, so I was just rolling with her and I said, "Well, did you even see the baby's funeral on TV?" Which obviously it wasn't, they don't televise baby funerals, but she bit. And she goes, "I didn't." I said, "Well, if you did, you would've seen the mom." Through tears say, see you later, alligator. So I thought it was beautiful. And that fucking crush, and I was like, okay, that's the start of a bit, and it turned into an eight minute bit. Because it, because then she wrote an email being like, fuck you. And I, I'm like, okay, I can read the email now.

• 39:27Mark Normand?

  Ah, she helped you.

• 39:29Sam Morril?

  She helped, she gave me an eight minute bit.

• 39:31Mark Normand?

  That's amazing.

• 39:32Sam Morril?

  Started, but it went to like fucking a, a long bit, but it was, you know.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  That's a lesson.

• 39:37Sam Morril?

  It's a lesson, like, we were like, oh shit, like.

• 39:40Mark Normand?

  Her crying.

• 39:40Sam Morril?

  You getting, you, you getting mad just gave me material.

• 39:43Mark Normand?

  Alligator tears.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  Leanne got upset about something the other day. Uh, I, I can say it.

• 39:50Mark Normand?

  What, her sex toy die?

• 39:51Speaker 00

  No, no. It's, uh, I guess Ari's been going around saying that the, um.

• 39:56Mark Normand?

  Oh geez, fucking Ari.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  Dude.

• 39:59Mark Normand?

  He never stops, this guy.

• 40:00Speaker 00

  You, you get the good side of him.

• 40:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:03Sam Morril?

  Is that what we've been getting?

• 40:07Sam Morril?

  What did he do?

• 40:09Speaker 00

  I guess he's telling everyone that, uh, the, that the drugging was a scripted bit we did.

• 40:15Mark Normand?

  What?

• 40:16Speaker 00

  I don't know, I don't know why he's doing it. It's like, I don't, I don't really understand why I'm doing it, but I don't really care. But I guess it got to Leanne and it really upset her. It really upset her.

• 40:26Sam Morril?

  But it's not true. So why does it upset her?

• 40:28Speaker 00

  That's what I said. I go, baby, it's not true. She goes, I know, but why would he, he apologized? And we were good. Why would he just, why wouldn't he just leave that be?

• 40:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  I go, baby, he's a comedian, everything's funny. You're, he's looking for something to say on a podcast. I go, I don't know. And it's so funny because it was like a real weird learning moment for her.

• 40:45Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  And she goes, I'm gonna make a post. And I went, stop right there.

• 40:49Mark Normand?

  No, don't post.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  I go, baby, if you post, that'll make Ari laugh hard as fuck.

• 40:54Mark Normand?

  He wins.

• 40:55Speaker 00

  And he wins. And I go, your silence is golden. Like, your silence is so precious. To never say a word about something is so precious. Do you know how many times I wanted to send? I'll say this right now. I, I had a, I had a friend one time who I've always supported, say something shitty about me.

• 41:12Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 41:13Speaker 00

  It hurt my feelings, really hurt my feelings. Because this guy sucks. He really sucks in life. And I've always been a fan of his. And I've always, I've never said a shitty word. When everyone trashes him, I've never said a shitty word.

• 41:23Sam Morril?

  Is this about Ari too?

• 41:25Speaker 00

  No.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  And I texted, I texted Tom, and I said, I was drunk. I was like, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna text him. Or I'm gonna, I'm gonna put a post out. Tom goes, man. Your silence is so precious.

• 41:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  Don't say anything. And I never said anything. And now I just don't like the guy.

• 41:42Sam Morril?

  Perfect.

• 41:43Speaker 00

  I'd much rather not like someone and know you're a shitty person and I'll tell you exactly what is i- in two seconds.

• 41:51Sam Morril?

  Uh oh.

• 41:51Speaker 00

  But yeah, and I go.

• 41:52Sam Morril?

  Dax Shepard.

• 41:56Speaker 00

  Edit that out. No, I'm kidding.

• 41:58Sam Morril?

  No, who, who was it?

• 41:59Speaker 00

  Edit out?

• 42:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  What are we, in a fucking wide shot this whole time?

• 42:04Sam Morril?

  No, well, yeah.

• 42:05Mark Normand?

  What's on you?

• 42:05Speaker 00

  Never mind, I'll tell you after this.

• 42:06Sam Morril?

  Alright, alright, alright. You know, it's interesting, because in that situation, Bert, you're like, do I, if I care about the person, I'll confront them.

• 42:12Speaker 00

  I care about the person so much. I'm such a friend of this person. It bothered me so much that they would take a shot at me. And I go.

• 42:20Mark Normand?

  I know who this is.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  You do?

• 42:21Mark Normand?

  I know now.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  Did I text you?

• 42:23Mark Normand?

  No, I just, I put it together.

• 42:24Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 42:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Ah, yeah, don't, don't respond to that.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  It so bothered me. I was like, and then you go, you know what? Your silence is perfect. Don't say anything. Just let it go.

• 42:33Sam Morril?

  Have you run into this person since?

• 42:34Mark Normand?

  Nah, he's, he's not doing stuff.

• 42:37Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 42:37Mark Normand?

  That's one of the beauties of this guy being.

• 42:40Speaker 00

  Oh, wait, no, it's not who you think.

• 42:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  I, by the way.

• 42:44Mark Normand?

  Never mind.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  That I know who you're thinking. And that is so funny, that I know who you're thinking, because you said, no, he's not doing stuff.

• 42:52Mark Normand?

  Well, you said he was a piece of shit, or he's going, going nowhere.

• 42:55Sam Morril?

  Well, now I know who you're thinking of.

• 42:59Mark Normand?

  This is quite a game of telephone here, of telepathic telephone.

• 43:03Speaker 00

  This should be a game show.

• 43:04Mark Normand?

  This should be a game. I know who you're thinking, but it's not that guy.

• 43:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, I told Leanne, I said, your silence is, is the fucking only thing you have.

• 43:13Mark Normand?

  Women love that. Silence is golden.

• 43:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 43:16Mark Normand?

  That's what every wife wants to hear. Please.

• 43:18Sam Morril?

  With the hostage tape over her mouth and then, yeah.

• 43:22Mark Normand?

  Well, yeah, smart move. Why keep it going? That's what Ari wants and, uh.

• 43:26Speaker 00

  I told her, I go, he's, baby, he's a comedian.

• 43:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  I go, like, most of us are like, are like. Sixty, seventy percent comedian, then like thirty percent human. I go, Ari's ninety-five percent comedian, five percent human.

• 43:41Mark Normand?

  You said it once, he might be the most purest comedian, just in, in life.

• 43:45Sam Morril?

  Well, there's definitely anarchists in there too.

• 43:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's, but that's part of it.

• 43:48Sam Morril?

  Because I love Ari, but the Kobe shit was not really a joke. That was him just like being like, hey, fuck everybody.

• 43:54Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 43:55Sam Morril?

  He likes to just, he likes to just have like, find like a house doused in gasoline and just throw a match on it.

• 43:59Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 44:00Speaker 00

  He's a troll.

• 44:00Sam Morril?

  He's a troll.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  Before trolls, by the way, I've never been-

• 44:04Sam Morril?

  But he's an actual funny dude.

• 44:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  I would love to be a troll.

• 44:08Sam Morril?

  No, you wouldn't.

• 44:08Speaker 00

  For a week, just to see how it feels. Can you-

• 44:10Sam Morril?

  It wouldn't feel good.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Can you imagine? I mean, I, I, look.

• 44:13Mark Normand?

  You gotta deal with a lot of hate, and that's not easy.

• 44:15Sam Morril?

  But Bert, the reason you're not a troll is because you're having fun and you're positive. I mean, like, you, you don't get to do-

• 44:21Mark Normand?

  There you go. He came to my wedding and I was nervous the whole time. He was gonna like light something on fire.

• 44:26Sam Morril?

  Oh, I got fucking lit up with him the night before. I still remember the night me, Stavi and Ari just ended up at a gas station eating fried chicken.

• 44:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 44:33Sam Morril?

  And, and I, I've told this story before, but you know, Ari and I just fucking hammered and just being like, can't imagine eating this shit sober. And Stav goes, I'm sober.

• 44:45Mark Normand?

  But he's also hilarious and he does good stuff. He's like Robin Hood. You know how he got kids paid at Montreal?

• 44:51Sam Morril?

  He's a complicated man.

• 44:52Mark Normand?

  He's nuanced.

• 44:53Speaker 00

  It's like, I told, I told, uh, Leanne, when, when, Leanne and my girls did not want me to be friends with them again. The girls still don't want me to be friends with them. And, uh, I said, he's like chemotherapy, like-

• 45:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's good.

• 45:07Speaker 00

  I need him. I do need him. Like, I, I spent all last night with him. We had a great time.

• 45:11Mark Normand?

  He's a good fun, good time.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  We had a great talk. We talked, we just talked about comedy. I mean, we just talked about life and comedy and podcasting. And it was a very important conversation in my life, but the, the tax I pay is that he may drug me.

• 45:27Mark Normand?

  That's not bad.

• 45:30Speaker 00

  Last night he tried to defend, he goes, "Do you know why I drugged you?" And I was like, "Yeah, I do know why. I don't think you know why."

• 45:35Sam Morril?

  What did he say?

• 45:36Speaker 00

  He was like, "'Cause you said you done cocaine, so I know you'd be cool with it." And I was like, "That's not why you drugged me, Ari."

• 45:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that doesn't make sense. Also-

• 45:43Speaker 00

  He's a lunatic.

• 45:44Sam Morril?

  Oh, it has the opposite effect.

• 45:46Mark Normand?

  It was Molly. I was there that night. You were having a great time.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  I was.

• 45:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:51Speaker 00

  Listen, I can't, I can't own that now, 'cause it's like, it's crazy to like, it's crazy to, 'cause it, it, green lights it for kids. That's the only thing, like, look, I'm a dad first, right?

• 46:01Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 46:01Speaker 00

  I'm a dad, I really am a dad. And so like, I don't ever want some kid that is a fan of this to go, "Dude, Molly, my boys, it's the funniest fucking thing ever." And you're like, "No, they may also die, and you may also rot in a fucking jail cell." Like, don't do it. Like, it's, it was a dumb thing you should've done. Say to your friend, "Would you like Molly?" And then your friend may say yes, and then have a great time.

• 46:24Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  So easy to do.

• 46:25Sam Morril?

  But if we were in a jail cell, and this was like a jail movie, Ari would definitely like, help lead the escape.

• 46:30Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 46:31Sam Morril?

  He would definitely be one of the people who started like, digging the hole.

• 46:34Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 46:35Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 46:35Speaker 00

  No.

• 46:36Sam Morril?

  You don't think so?

• 46:36Mark Normand?

  He'd be the first guy shot by the towel.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  So you said you know, you think you know why he did that. Why do you think he did that?

• 46:45Speaker 00

  I know why.

• 46:46Speaker 03

  You know why, you're not gonna share?

• 46:47Mark Normand?

  He wanted to fuck with you?

• 46:48Speaker 00

  No, I don't know.

• 46:49Mark Normand?

  Alright, alright.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  Listen, I, hang on. It's, we're forgetting this, that, that, we, sometimes I think people think this happened in a fishbowl, but it didn't. It happened in my life, and, and I have very important people in that-

• 47:01Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  We're doing Sober October. I mean, the thing, the thing that, you know, it's so funny, you know, I love Ari. I love Ari to death.

• 47:08Sam Morril?

  We all do.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  But, uh, he said on Two Bears, he goes, "The reason we don't do Sober October anymore is that you make everything about yourself." And I went, "I didn't say anything then, but the truth is that he molly'd me." And it, and we didn't talk in our chat thread. The whole month. No one talked Sober October. No one talked. No one talked. We-

• 47:25Sam Morril?

  Ari drugged all of them. It was crazy.

• 47:27Speaker 00

  It was because it was such a real event that the chat thread went silent for the whole month. And the funnest part of Sober October was the chat thread.

• 47:36Mark Normand?

  Totally.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Is the texting of like, what calories you got bitch? And then I go, I just taunt Rogan. I go, I fucking own your shit. And like, and we go back and forth and it was so fucking fun.

• 47:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  But that month, we didn't do it. And then we never did Sober October again. And that's why Sober October died is that because of that. But in that moment, I definitely talked every day to fucking Joe and Tom about like what I was going through. And Whitney, I talked to Whitney. I was in therapy at the time. Like it was so confusing because it was such a fucked up moment. But I also wanted to forgive him. I had to forgive him.

• 48:10Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  Because I couldn't, I was in Connecticut going to.

• 48:13Sam Morril?

  We have such a weird profession.

• 48:16Speaker 00

  It's like no one can understand it.

• 48:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  You know, do you know people like, and this bums me out. Like I'll tell you right now, if you're watching this, if you talk shit about Tommy, if you talk shit about Joe, if you talk shit about Sam or Mark, talk shit about Shane, talk shit about Stavi, you talk shit about Ari. I'm not your boy, okay? Don't tag me in that post. I don't want to know about your shit.

• 48:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 48:36Speaker 00

  I'm a ride or die for my guys, like the guys I love. Nikki Glaser, Wendy Cummings, like I'm.

• 48:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 48:43Speaker 00

  Don't talk shit. I'm not, I'm not a fan of that shit.

• 48:46Mark Normand?

  Me neither.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  And so like, so like people were trashing Ari and I was like, I know him and I love him. He's my brother.

• 48:51Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  I gotta figure out a way to forgive him. And uh.

• 48:55Mark Normand?

  If you look at his career, it makes you feel better.

• 49:02Mark Normand?

  Just fuck with Ari.

• 49:04Speaker 00

  But, but it's like, dude, I can't, I can't just be some guy that just never forgives him and then.

• 49:12Mark Normand?

  Now you don't want to be the bitter guy.

• 49:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. And so I had to, I was in Connecticut. I was pulling into Planet Fitness. And he, and he called me every day. He called me every day, like two or three times.

• 49:22Mark Normand?

  Cause he feels bad. He does have feelings.

• 49:24Speaker 00

  He's a regular, he is a human.

• 49:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  And I, I answered it and he was like, hey, did I fuck things up forever?

• 49:30Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 49:31Speaker 00

  I was like, no.

• 49:32Sam Morril?

  That's the funny thing about, and he'll do something terrible and then, and then he's like, you're like, aww, Ari.

• 49:37Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 49:37Sam Morril?

  There's something kind of adorable about the way, like he did it, I remember he did it to Ricky Velez one night at the cellar where Ricky's counting money and Ari just smacks it out of his hand.

• 49:47Mark Normand?

  Money went everywhere.

• 49:47Sam Morril?

  Money went everywhere and Ricky was so fucking mad. He was like, what the fuck? And Ari immediately was like, I'm sorry.

• 49:53Mark Normand?

  So this is what we do?

• 49:54Sam Morril?

  And he helps him pick the money up. It was like, it's funny to see like from, from A to B.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  What you forget is like Ari came, Ari would come to my house and all the time, all the time. And, and bring his bag and do laundry and hang with my kids. My kids loved him.

• 50:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  Like there was so much.

• 50:13Sam Morril?

  And they, but they haven't forgiven him yet.

• 50:14Speaker 00

  Ila, Ila will never, Ila will never. Ila said to me, he tried to kill my dad.

• 50:18Mark Normand?

  Ah, geez.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  Don't say it like that. And then Ila was like, yo, someone drugged me in college and you see me text them? Are you cool with that? And I go.

• 50:26Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 50:27Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 50:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I guess you're right.

• 50:29Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 50:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:31Mark Normand?

  Yikes. Well, some people like molly. Like some, there's some people out there would be like, you gave me molly. This is great.

• 50:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but not against their will.

• 50:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 50:38Sam Morril?

  You don't want to be drugged.

• 50:40Mark Normand?

  I don't know if it was against the will. I think it was more of a surprise. Right?

• 50:44Speaker 00

  No, it's, it's drugging someone.

• 50:45Mark Normand?

  I guess you're right.

• 50:48Sam Morril?

  Fucking roofie apologist.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  Are you getting ice or what? Okay. We're not done, are we?

• 50:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 50:54Mark Normand?

  No, no.

• 50:55Sam Morril?

  Cosby didn't roofie someone. It was a surprise.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:58Mark Normand?

  It was a good point. Good point.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  Some people like roofies and to be fingered.

• 51:01Sam Morril?

  After the rape. Gotcha.

• 51:04Mark Normand?

  Hey. It's a surprise party.

• 51:07Speaker 00

  No, I love Ari. I love Ari to death. And, and, and, uh, I'm, I'm a ride or die for that motherfucker.

• 51:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  And so even when the Kobe shit happened, I was like.

• 51:16Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  I was like, I was like, yo. I didn't stand up from the way I should have, I think. You did.

• 51:23Mark Normand?

  I did, yeah, cuz you know, it's words. We're doing jokes, we're comics. Same with Gillis. I stood up for Gillis too, it's a joke.

• 51:29Sam Morril?

  I don't like how political every stand-up has become.

• 51:32Mark Normand?

  I agree.

• 51:33Sam Morril?

  I think it's, I think it's, uh, once you become predictable with your views, you become predictable with your punchlines as well.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  And I would argue the exact same for the exact opposite. There was a guy, I don't know his name, and I don't wanna try, I'm not trying to trash him at all, but like, he did a choose your own adventure or stand-up special. And where you could-

• 51:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, I know this guy.

• 51:54Sam Morril?

  Danny Jollis, he's excellent.

• 51:55Speaker 00

  He's a great comic.

• 51:56Mark Normand?

  Funny guy.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  What's crazy about that special is it's brilliant joke writing.

• 52:00Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  However, when you feel like he doesn't mean it, it took the teeth out of it, and it was like, oh, just a joke, okay. Like, it's almost like, it's almost weird when you like-

• 52:12Sam Morril?

  But I like that, I like that he tried something different.

• 52:14Speaker 00

  I liked, oh yeah, I love that, I love that. That's why I watched his special.

• 52:17Mark Normand?

  He's innovative.

• 52:18Sam Morril?

  I think he's very funny.

• 52:19Mark Normand?

  I think so too.

• 52:20Sam Morril?

  He's a great actor too, he's on the new, he's on the last season of, uh, the TV show Ted, which if you haven't seen, is a great fucking show. It's on Peacock, it's fucking hilarious.

• 52:28Mark Normand?

  Joke a minute.

• 52:29Sam Morril?

  It's, it's just like bam bam bam.

• 52:30Speaker 00

  I don't like Sudeikis.

• 52:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, talk shit.

• 52:33Sam Morril?

  I'm thinking of Ted Lasso.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  No, fuck that guy.

• 52:35Sam Morril?

  I'm talking about, I'm talking about-

• 52:36Speaker 00

  I'm joking, I'm joking, I was doing a thing.

• 52:38Sam Morril?

  Oh, go your fucking-

• 52:39Speaker 00

  I was doing a bit.

• 52:40Mark Normand?

  He's gonna, you're gonna do it-

• 52:41Sam Morril?

  Sudeikis, come on out here, come on.

• 52:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  I do, I do actually, you know what, fuck Jason Sudeikis.

• 52:45Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 52:46Speaker 00

  You know what, you know, hang on, hang on.

• 52:47Mark Normand?

  I fucked your wife.

• 52:49Speaker 00

  You know what, do one thing, and be done. I'm done with you being a great singer, a great fucking musician, a great actor. It's the truth though. It's like, yo, suck a dick, like, I only can do comedy, I can't act. How dare you?

• 53:05Sam Morril?

  You can act a little.

• 53:05Speaker 00

  Go up, you pull up a fucking video of Jason Sudeikis, have you ever seen him sing?

• 53:09Sam Morril?

  No.

• 53:09Mark Normand?

  No.

• 53:10Speaker 00

  Are you being fucking serious?

• 53:11Sam Morril?

  No.

• 53:11Speaker 00

  Dude, it's annoying.

• 53:12Mark Normand?

  Internet's down, fuck.

• 53:13Speaker 03

  It's down.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  Oh, cool.

• 53:16Sam Morril?

  Sudeikis is talented, for sure. That cast was crazy.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  Fucking field, you know what, fuck all those guys. Uh, can I tell you? It's like, Jason Sudeikis.

• 53:25Sam Morril?

  He can hoop too, he's like a-

• 53:27Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 53:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's so annoying!

• 53:29Sam Morril?

  He's got like a pretty sweet jump shot.

• 53:31Mark Normand?

  Wow, he's good looking, he's got it all!

• 53:33Speaker 00

  And he's from Kansas City.

• 53:35Mark Normand?

  Middle of America!

• 53:35Speaker 00

  It's like, ugh, you and Paul Rudd, you fucking assholes.

• 53:38Mark Normand?

  And Jon Hamm.

• 53:40Speaker 00

  Dude, they're all from Kansas City, so they get this like, regular guy appeal.

• 53:43Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 53:44Speaker 00

  Like, I grew up a regular guy.

• 53:46Mark Normand?

  I got a huge dick.

• 53:47Speaker 00

  I'm never gonna get slammed for having, uh, being a nepo baby.

• 53:49Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 53:49Speaker 00

  And then, and then, I'm talented in everything I do, if I fucking wanna act, I'm amazing, bon bon. I, I bet they can do standup, and then they do that fucking, big Kansas City festival.

• 53:59Sam Morril?

  I heard he can do standup.

• 54:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:01Mark Normand?

  Come on!

• 54:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 54:02Mark Normand?

  Ah!

• 54:03Sam Morril?

  I think he used to do some warmup stuff for SNL, and they were like killing time, and I've heard he's good.

• 54:07Mark Normand?

  It's like Donald Glover, Donald Glover can do everything! You're like, what are you doing?

• 54:11Speaker 00

  Fuck Donald Glover, goddammit!

• 54:12Mark Normand?

  Cool guy.

• 54:12Speaker 00

  The guy's too good at everything, shut the fuck up, stop!

• 54:15Mark Normand?

  He can rap, he can do standup.

• 54:16Sam Morril?

  I'll say like, Atlanta was fucking awesome.

• 54:18Mark Normand?

  Atlanta's great!

• 54:19Speaker 00

  I see clips of Atlanta on YouTube, and I go, I missed out! This fuck Donald Glover, his fucking rap video was so goddamn good!

• 54:27Mark Normand?

  I know!

• 54:28Speaker 00

  I can't do anything! These fucking guys suck dick!

• 54:31Mark Normand?

  You could-

• 54:32Speaker 00

  I'm so angry!

• 54:33Mark Normand?

  You could take his shirt off with the best of them.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  Shut up, Mark.

• 54:35Mark Normand?

  With the hat coming off, it's very impressive.

• 54:37Speaker 00

  Don't remember, Mark, I used to be more famous than you.

• 54:42Mark Normand?

  You're doing very well.

• 54:43Speaker 00

  Mark, I mean, don't you, don't you like, look at Donald Glover, he was an over mic'er with you guys.

• 54:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I, I hung out with him, he's a great guy too, he's a nice as hell, he's a hell of a drinker, yeah. He did, I watched the 30 Rock episode randomly on a plane, and I was like, this is a funny episode, at the end it said, written by Donald Glover, I said, god damn it! What can't this black do?

• 55:02Speaker 00

  I heard he, I heard he roofies girls with ayahuasca.

• 55:05Mark Normand?

  That's a surprise!

• 55:06Speaker 00

  I don't know, just put, just crap, talk some shit, I just, it's like, but it's like, it's like, okay, I get it, it's like, it's like Mulaney.

• 55:13Mark Normand?

  He's talented as hell!

• 55:14Speaker 00

  I'm done with Mulaney. Like, it's like, I go-

• 55:17Sam Morril?

  He's such a nice guy, too.

• 55:18Mark Normand?

  Great guy, good looking.

• 55:19Speaker 00

  A sweet guy, who announces your last name right, I mean, fuck Jon Mulaney.

• 55:24Mark Normand?

  He's got it all.

• 55:25Speaker 00

  He, he-

• 55:26Mark Normand?

  He had a, he had a failed sitcom.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  Okay, I like it.

• 55:29Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 55:29Sam Morril?

  That humbled him a little bit.

• 55:30Mark Normand?

  I think it did.

• 55:31Sam Morril?

  Not like, you know, I mean, like, it made him almost, it made him human is what I mean.

• 55:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, so did the cocaine.

• 55:36Speaker 00

  As we are, I would say, the three of us, we just are just comic podcasters, right?

• 55:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I can't act.

• 55:43Sam Morril?

  I would like to write, well, we wrote a fucking movie too.

• 55:45Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 55:46Sam Morril?

  You wrote a movie. I mean, I, I think, I think, uh...

• 55:49Mark Normand?

  That's true, good point.

• 55:49Speaker 00

  But I'm...

• 55:50Sam Morril?

  I'm definitely not a podcaster. I do a pile with Mark, but I'm not, I, I, I'm a, I, yeah, I think we're just comics, dude.

• 55:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm a comic, I'll tell, I'll say, a roadcom.

• 55:58Speaker 00

  I'm a comic.

• 55:59Mark Normand?

  We've been to fucking Omaha a hundred times between the three of us. We are roadcoms.

• 56:03Sam Morril?

  I would never, if someone was like, "What do you do?", I would never say, "I'm a podcaster", I'd say, "I'm a comic."

• 56:06Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 56:07Speaker 00

  Okay, can I say this casually? And, and by the way, I'm being too honest. I'm a little buzzed.

• 56:14Sam Morril?

  I love that. Did you drink at Keen's too?

• 56:16Speaker 00

  I did.

• 56:17Mark Normand?

  Ah!

• 56:18Sam Morril?

  I love that you went to Keen's for lunch. I love that. It means a lot when someone's like, "Where do I go to lunch?", and I tell them where to go, and they go there.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  It was great.

• 56:24Sam Morril?

  Because not everyone takes a wreck.

• 56:26Mark Normand?

  Special place.

• 56:26Sam Morril?

  It means a lot when someone takes a wreck.

• 56:28Speaker 00

  Dude, I, it was...

• 56:29Mark Normand?

  Hemingway was there.

• 56:30Sam Morril?

  Keen's is, oh, they got all the pipes there, dude.

• 56:32Mark Normand?

  Sinatra, everybody.

• 56:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's one of the iconic steakhouse spots.

• 56:35Speaker 00

  So, is there a part of you as a comic that resents the darlings?

• 56:44Mark Normand?

  Well, there was a couple plants out there.

• 56:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 56:47Speaker 00

  I don't know what that means, plants.

• 56:48Sam Morril?

  Like, they call them industry plants.

• 56:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:50Sam Morril?

  Like, like, they just, they're like, they were made by the industry, and it's, it's...

• 56:53Speaker 00

  Is that a real thing?

• 56:55Sam Morril?

  I mean, to a, to a degree it is.

• 56:56Mark Normand?

  Well, Cat Williams listed eighteen of them on his Shea Shea pod.

• 56:59Sam Morril?

  You know, we all kinda made our own careers on the internet and stuff like that, so, yeah, when you see people that, like, the industry just kind of is like, vroom. There, there was a party that's like, huh, but if they're, if they're, but if they're really good, we don't resent them. If they're really good.

• 57:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:16Speaker 00

  Plants like the old school, like, Maxim, ten comics to watch.

• 57:19Mark Normand?

  All that shit, all that. They keep getting everything, how'd they get that?

• 57:23Speaker 00

  Oh, I've been watching that.

• 57:24Sam Morril?

  And then you see them again, you're like, "They bombed another thing?"

• 57:27Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 57:28Sam Morril?

  What the fuck is this?

• 57:29Mark Normand?

  But then you got a guy like Nate, who just worked it, worked it, worked it funny, wrote another hour, wrote another hour, and now he's doing arenas.

• 57:35Sam Morril?

  Well, you know what? I'll put it this way, there's people who rise, like, maybe they were chosen, but then they rose to the occasion, and they are undeniable, and how could you have a problem with that? They're funny.

• 57:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:46Sam Morril?

  Like, as you said, luck is involved.

• 57:48Speaker 00

  Luck's involved, luck's solely involved, however...

• 57:51Sam Morril?

  We had luck. We all had a tremendous amount of luck.

• 57:53Speaker 00

  My luck, my luck with you...

• 57:54Mark Normand?

  But we backed it up.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  Is we met.

• 57:56Sam Morril?

  At Hartford.

• 57:57Speaker 00

  At Hartford.

• 57:57Sam Morril?

  I had a great weekend with you.

• 57:58Mark Normand?

  I remember that weekend.

• 58:00Sam Morril?

  I remember watching a Knicks game with you at Hooters. And it meant, it meant a lot that you were like in the game with me. I, we were, it was right when the Knicks got JR Smith and I was really excited. And, and Bert and I were getting, getting beers at lunch and uh.

• 58:15Mark Normand?

  You gotta have that photo in your phone somewhere.

• 58:17Sam Morril?

  I have it somewhere.

• 58:18Mark Normand?

  You showed me that photo, we're gonna put it up there.

• 58:19Sam Morril?

  We're shirtless and we're both bombed. And uh, yeah, man, no, I was, I had so much fun. I, I had heard you were awesome from Nicky, cause Nicky dropped out of that weekend, that's how I got it.

• 58:29Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  The luck is involved is like, uh, Portland, Oregon. Amy Schumer stops by my show and.

• 58:38Mark Normand?

  That was opening.

• 58:39Speaker 00

  We go to a strip club, me and Amy, I'm just with Amy, I don't realize who's around me. We go back to my room and I meet Mark Norman. Mark Norman was open for Amy and I go, I mean, think about luck, you wanna talk about luck? It's like, how crazy is that? I met you guys when you guys were like.

• 58:58Mark Normand?

  Features.

• 58:58Speaker 00

  Feature acts.

• 58:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but the key is just keep doing shit and do everything. Go everywhere, meet everybody, do every gig. That was the key, cause some people are so selective and weird. If you just get yourself out there, the luck is, you have a better chance of something happening.

• 59:12Sam Morril?

  Well, it meant a lot when a headliner was like complimentary to you, cause I, I remember I was, you know, I was middling a lot and, and Bert was like, you're gonna be a really young headliner. He was like really encouraging to me and that goes a long way when you're.

• 59:22Speaker 00

  Both you guys.

• 59:23Sam Morril?

  But when your mom is telling you like, what are you doing with your life? When your mom is like, you're making a wrong decision with your life.

• 59:30Speaker 00

  Both you guys kind of blew me away, but both you guys also, let's be really candid.

• 59:34Mark Normand?

  Start here.

• 59:36Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 59:36Speaker 00

  As Hassan Minaj introduced me.

• 59:42Speaker 00

  Remembering his name is what I feel bad about.

• 59:44Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 59:44Speaker 00

  You keep it in, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck.

• 59:47Mark Normand?

  You remember, you didn't remember, you know who you're talking about.

• 59:48Speaker 00

  Hassan Minaj told me, uh, we were at the Brady Roast and he goes, you. You look uncomfortable in a tuxedo and I said, I'm very uncomfortable. I perform shirtless and he goes, and he looked at me and he like kinda does one of these like, he goes, this is my fastball. And I, and I've, I've said that so many times. It's such a fucking cheesy stating, statement that I, I can't stop using, but you guys are my fastball. Like guys that party, guys that like to have a good time, like, and, and, and great comics, great comics. And so I met you guys both and you guys are my fastballs. Like I fucking love the shit. My favorite, my favorite memories of touring for real out of anything, and I just did this on some podcast, I don't remember what, but

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  when I took Mark to Europe.

• 1:00:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, we barely knew each other. I can't believe you took me to you. You didn't know me. I could have been a weirdo. You just said, fuck it, let's go.

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

  And I, I mean.

• 1:00:43Mark Normand?

  I was very excited about that.

• 1:00:45Sam Morril?

  You came back a shell.

• 1:00:46Mark Normand?

  I was ruined. I mean, we did every night drinking hard.

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  He saw my weakness.

• 1:00:51Sam Morril?

  Well, you saw.

• 1:00:51Mark Normand?

  Oh, the flights.

• 1:00:52Sam Morril?

  We almost did that joke show, me and Norman. That was when you saw me and Mark would like just bounce bits all day. And we almost did that joke show.

• 1:01:00Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 1:01:00Sam Morril?

  That Bert was gonna produce, but that fell apart for me. We don't need to go into, but.

• 1:01:03Mark Normand?

  You yakking in the, in the airport or almost yakking.

• 1:01:07Speaker 00

  Hold on.

• 1:01:07Mark Normand?

  Dry heaving.

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  Hang on, there's a moment, like only friends share.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  Right? Where you, where you say like, so I'll, I'll tell you the one I have with Tommy is we got stem cells with, with Joe and, and I just had surgery on my elbow.

• 1:01:22Sam Morril?

  Can you explain what that, what that means to like the layman? Cause I don't know what that means. Okay.

• 1:01:26Mark Normand?

  I know sickle cell.

• 1:01:29Mark Normand?

  What's, what's stem?

• 1:01:31Sam Morril?

  I know what they are. And he mentioned it to me once when I was down there. He was like, we gotta get you some stem cells through your neck. And I was like, right on. I was like, I don't know what I just agreed to.

• 1:01:38Mark Normand?

  It's something good.

• 1:01:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:39Mark Normand?

  It helps you, I think, but I don't know what it is exactly. It's Molly.

• 1:01:42Speaker 00

  The stem cells attack.

• 1:01:43Mark Normand?

  Adrenochrome?

• 1:01:44Speaker 00

  I don't know. Anyway, uh. Joe and Tommy organized stem cells and they're like, yo, you're in. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to do it. I tell Tom, I don't want to do it. I'm out. And he goes, hey, stop. It's already paid for. I go, it's not money. I don't give a fuck. I don't, I'm like, I don't know what it is. I don't know the fuck we're doing. And he's like, you're gonna be fine. So we go get stem cells and Tom and I are driving back to, to do a podcast and we're in Tom's car, which is a Porsche. We're very close to each other.

• 1:02:13Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:02:13Speaker 00

  And I, and I reach back and I feel my elbow and I feel a lump where the stem cells went in. It's like a swelling. And I feel it and I kind of start having a panic attack. And Tommy, very gently puts his hand behind my arm and he rubs the stem cells. He goes, you're okay.

• 1:02:29Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:02:30Speaker 00

  That's guy knows me, right?

• 1:02:32Mark Normand?

  That's a friend.

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  Mark Norman and I were in a bar in London at the airport. Was it London?

• 1:02:38Mark Normand?

  I, it might've been Copenhagen.

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  Might've been Copenhagen, right at the airport. He, he's now learned I don't like flying.

• 1:02:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:45Speaker 00

  And with a fan who won't stop talking and I, I'm ordering us beers at an aggressive pace and Mark's got like three backed up and I'm on mine. And then Mark goes, we're boarding and I kill my beer.

• 1:02:59Speaker 00

  I remember this so vividly. I kill my beer and I start to throw up in my mouth. I started like, like I start to, I've had too much. I'm like.

• 1:03:06Mark Normand?

  And he's a public figure. This is not a good look.

• 1:03:09Speaker 00

  Mark Norman, Mark Norman looks at me like this and he goes, like in his eyes, he's like, oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. And I fucking swallow. I didn't.

• 1:03:18Mark Normand?

  Kept it in.

• 1:03:19Speaker 00

  I didn't throw up. I didn't throw up. I, I wasn't throwing up in my mouth, but I didn't throw up and I went,

• 1:03:26Speaker 00

  do you have a toothpick?

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  I'll get you one.

• 1:03:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:32Speaker 00

  He grabbed me a toothpick and he goes, we're good. And I was like, let's go. And we walked away. But those little moments that you have with a friend where, where you show your vulnerability a hundred percent. I remember that so vividly.

• 1:03:42Sam Morril?

  We, Mark and I, obviously we go back like a ways, but I remember, remember Orlando airport?

• 1:03:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:03:47Sam Morril?

  I, we, we opened for Schumer at some big, uh, university.

• 1:03:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:52Sam Morril?

  We got fucking wasted, Mark and I. We were just bombed. We were like the liabilities on that tour. But we just be getting fucking bombed and the next morning.

• 1:03:59Mark Normand?

  Seven AM flight.

• 1:04:00Sam Morril?

  The next morning, I'm just puking my guts out in the Orlando airport, which is one of the worst airports around. And Mark just.

• 1:04:06Mark Normand?

  Bunch of kids around with Mickey Mouse hats.

• 1:04:09Sam Morril?

  I'm puking and Mark, I look up and Mark reaches over the stall and it's a ginger ale. And I was like, that's my guy.

• 1:04:17Mark Normand?

  Well, I understand drunks, you know, I grew up in New Orleans. I started drinking at 13. I get it. And so there's no judgment.

• 1:04:23Sam Morril?

  And we've seen each other bombed so many times.

• 1:04:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:26Sam Morril?

  But it was just like, I was like, ah, that's a good friend right there. He just saw me puke in my guts and it was fine. Like, you know, we've flown like that before. Like when you're a young comic and you're puking, it's better than puking in a Greyhound. Like, which I've done many times. I puked in those bathrooms too, moving, shaking, you're holding on the side.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  Throwing up is crazy. I was a grand marshal for Gasparilla.

• 1:04:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:04:47Sam Morril?

  I thought you were gonna say the Ku Klux Klan. That's way better.

• 1:04:49Mark Normand?

  That's Grand Wizard.

• 1:04:52Mark Normand?

  I did that one.

• 1:04:56Mark Normand?

  Three shoots to the wind, you know what I mean?

• 1:05:00Speaker 00

  And I, uh, and I, I got, I know I'm gonna be made fun of for this. I got what they call gunpowder poisoning.

• 1:05:08Mark Normand?

  What? What's that?

• 1:05:09Speaker 00

  I, it's, I don't, your internet's down. Don't Google it. The, uh, I was on a boat where they were shooting a lot of guns.

• 1:05:15Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:05:16Speaker 00

  And then I got covered in gunpowder. There's a thing called gunpowder poisoning where you are allergic to gunpowder. And if you get covered in it, like I was, you get sick. And I started throwing up on the parade route.

• 1:05:29Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:05:30Speaker 00

  No one, thank God, got a video.

• 1:05:33Mark Normand?

  Thank, how did that happen?

• 1:05:35Speaker 00

  Dude, it was, it was, I was like overheated. Uh, it was so hot. I was in a pirate costume. Covered in gunpowder. I was drinking. It was such a fucking nightmare. If, if, I'll tell you what, at this point, there's two things I'd like to see. One was me throwing up in Spokane, Washington. I threw up outside of my tour bus, like aggressively, in underwear. If anyone's got that.

• 1:05:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 1:05:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but you blend into that city. Everyone's a fucking mess. They're walking around on drugs.

• 1:06:03Mark Normand?

  Spokane is rough.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  Fucking.

• 1:06:05Sam Morril?

  Everyone's walking around like a zombie in that city.

• 1:06:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:07Speaker 00

  My God. Dude, we.

• 1:06:09Mark Normand?

  Great crowds though. Yeah.

• 1:06:10Speaker 00

  The stage fell. The stage fell.

• 1:06:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:06:13Speaker 00

  And so they canceled the show. So I was like, yo, day drinking. Let's go.

• 1:06:17Mark Normand?

  There it is.

• 1:06:18Speaker 00

  And Manzi was with us back in the day.

• 1:06:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:20Speaker 00

  And we would just went hard as fuck all day. Ended the night, I ended the night at a steakhouse, martinis, two bottles of wine. And the last two drinks I had were Irish car bombs.

• 1:06:31Sam Morril?

  Damn, that's fucking vicious.

• 1:06:33Mark Normand?

  That's gross.

• 1:06:34Sam Morril?

  Is there anything more fun than just like martinis at a steakhouse? It's just like, it's like, it's the embodiment of fun.

• 1:06:40Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:06:41Sam Morril?

  Like, we're gonna get fucked up.

• 1:06:42Mark Normand?

  You feel like an American.

• 1:06:43Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you feel like you're on Mad Men.

• 1:06:45Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:06:46Sam Morril?

  I was thinking what Roger Sterling would be drinking right now.

• 1:06:48Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:48Speaker 00

  I'm going to a podcast, I'm going, I'm going to dinner with Tom tonight at, uh, seven.

• 1:06:53Sam Morril?

  Where are you guys going?

• 1:06:55Speaker 00

  Where we going?

• 1:06:58Sam Morril?

  Oh, dude.

• 1:06:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a great spot.

• 1:07:00Sam Morril?

  That's our spot. You can drink Bodega Cat there, dude.

• 1:07:02Mark Normand?

  They got our picture on the wall there.

• 1:07:03Sam Morril?

  Are you going to East Village or Times Square?

• 1:07:05Mark Normand?

  Go to the Village one, that's way better.

• 1:07:07Sam Morril?

  Village one's way better. Dude, our boy Brennan will take care of you. Dude, okay, so you're double staking, gotta get the tomahawk.

• 1:07:14Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:07:14Sam Morril?

  The tomahawk's phenomenal there.

• 1:07:16Mark Normand?

  The lobster mac.

• 1:07:17Speaker 00

  Fucking Ozempic Tommy only orders like, uh, seltzer water.

• 1:07:21Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:07:22Speaker 00

  And I was like, buddy, we gotta get fucking lit. He's like, I'm doing Madison Square Garden.

• 1:07:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, is he? Shit, I didn't even know that.

• 1:07:28Sam Morril?

  Well, dude, uh, I will say Strip House is like, one of my favorite spots.

• 1:07:32Mark Normand?

  It's a great spot.

• 1:07:33Sam Morril?

  We went there for his birthday, we fucking, I love, uh, that place is like...

• 1:07:38Mark Normand?

  It's legendary. They got the Bodega Cat, uh, behind the bar.

• 1:07:41Sam Morril?

  They got a Dangerfield headshot up. It's fucking iconic. It's been there, it's been there forever.

• 1:07:45Mark Normand?

  Red leather seats.

• 1:07:46Speaker 00

  I think we should probably, I just think that it would fit in.

• 1:07:52Sam Morril?

  He just shoots us in the head.

• 1:07:54Speaker 00

  Put Tommy on your...

• 1:07:55Sam Morril?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:07:56Mark Normand?

  Is his career dead? Is that the problem? This is the dead wall.

• 1:07:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, put him on the dead wall.

• 1:08:01Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:08:02Speaker 00

  Don't say anything to him. He comes in this week, don't say anything.

• 1:08:05Sam Morril?

  Is he coming on a pod?

• 1:08:06Mark Normand?

  That Ozempic's gonna kill him.

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:09Mark Normand?

  He's gonna OD on that shit.

• 1:08:10Speaker 00

  This is a fatter Tommy than the one I, uh, than the one I know now. I, I, I liked, I liked fat.

• 1:08:17Mark Normand?

  Fat Tom.

• 1:08:18Speaker 00

  God, man.

• 1:08:19Mark Normand?

  With the black shirt, with the bad hair. Oh, man, that was good times. He just, he looked like a wing eating contest winner.

• 1:08:26Speaker 00

  You know, he was, he, I'm not even fucking around. He traveled with hot sauce.

• 1:08:31Mark Normand?

  Get out of here.

• 1:08:32Speaker 00

  I swear to God.

• 1:08:33Sam Morril?

  He's like Hillary Clinton. Yeah.

• 1:08:36Speaker 00

  He had hot sauce always in his car at all times.

• 1:08:39Sam Morril?

  What hot sauce?

• 1:08:39Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:08:40Speaker 00

  I think it's Cholula, and he'd walk...

• 1:08:41Sam Morril?

  That is a good one.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  And he'd put it on whatever he had.

• 1:08:44Mark Normand?

  That's a fat guy move.

• 1:08:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I watched him get rich. It was, it was a weird feeling.

• 1:08:50Mark Normand?

  He really, he really like...

• 1:08:52Sam Morril?

  You watch each other, right? I mean, shit.

• 1:08:53Speaker 00

  No, no, no, he got rich before I did, way before I did, way before I did.

• 1:08:57Mark Normand?

  The pores feel like, uh, that he left them.

• 1:09:02Speaker 00

  No, god damn it. Like, that's the most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life is like, "Yo, he was poor."

• 1:09:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:10Speaker 00

  But he busted his ass and he's doing crazy, great stuff.

• 1:09:13Sam Morril?

  And he's a great dude. Great guy.

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  And he's doing great content.

• 1:09:17Sam Morril?

  Great comic.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  His specials are fucking awesome. Listen, he has changed, yes.

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  I'm gonna tell you something secret. He didn't like who he was.

• 1:09:27Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 1:09:28Speaker 00

  He didn't like, he didn't love being fat as fucking shit. Dude, if you pull up me shaving his tits, he is so fat, it is aggressive. No one wants to be that guy.

• 1:09:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I'm making a joke. We love.

• 1:09:43Sam Morril?

  I love Tom.

• 1:09:44Speaker 00

  It's so funny, but like, the day he got rich, I remember, I remember the statement he said to me when I knew

• 1:09:52Speaker 00

  money had changed. And he was like,

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  he's like, "Yo, dude, I had the wildest fucking conversation with Christina last night." I said, "What's that?" And he goes, "You know, we, uh, we have, like, only have a couple of chargers, so we plug them into the wall, but they're across the room, so we have to plug the charger in, and then plug our phone, and then put our phone on top of the charger to charge it at night." And then Christina said, "Yo, we have money. We can have chargers by our bed."

• 1:10:20Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 1:10:22Speaker 00

  Oh, he's changed.

• 1:10:24Sam Morril?

  That is a status move, though, to have like, to not have,

• 1:10:27Mark Normand?

  Multiple.

• 1:10:27Sam Morril?

  Not have to pull the charger out and move it over.

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Sam Morril?

  You just have it in another outlet. That is a power.

• 1:10:32Speaker 00

  And, and, and I went, "Whoa," and I thought to myself, "I'm not there yet."

• 1:10:38Speaker 00

  It wasn't like, it wasn't watches, it wasn't cars.

• 1:10:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:41Speaker 00

  It was that moment. And I, we went to that house.

• 1:10:44Sam Morril?

  For me, it was sandwich punch cards. I stopped paying as much attention to those.

• 1:10:47Mark Normand?

  I still got mine.

• 1:10:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:48Speaker 00

  You ready, you ready for me?

• 1:10:49Sam Morril?

  I have a bagel punch card, but I don't have the sandwich punch card anymore.

• 1:10:52Mark Normand?

  You gotta stay with the tribe.

• 1:10:53Sam Morril?

  I have the bagel one.

• 1:10:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I have the, for me, it was the hotel breakfast. Cause I would get up every day on the road to get the breakfast. It was free breakfast.

• 1:11:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, same.

• 1:11:01Mark Normand?

  You'd go out all night, but you're like, I still gotta get the breakfast.

• 1:11:03Sam Morril?

  Best western.

• 1:11:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:11:04Sam Morril?

  They had a good breakfast.

• 1:11:05Mark Normand?

  Waffle maker. Get out of here.

• 1:11:07Sam Morril?

  A lobby waffle?

• 1:11:08Speaker 00

  Shut the fuck up.

• 1:11:08Mark Normand?

  I love it.

• 1:11:09Sam Morril?

  I fuck with a lobby waffle.

• 1:11:10Mark Normand?

  I still do the breakfast every now and then, but I have like openers like, what are you doing? Let's just go to a diner, you know?

• 1:11:15Sam Morril?

  The best thing is you book hotels with that Amex travel sheet. You get the free breakfast at those places.

• 1:11:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:11:21Sam Morril?

  I love that shit.

• 1:11:21Mark Normand?

  And the lounge.

• 1:11:22Speaker 00

  Uh, mine was, uh, airline miles.

• 1:11:26Sam Morril?

  You, dude, Bert was, you know what's fun? No, no.

• 1:11:29Mark Normand?

  I love airline.

• 1:11:29Sam Morril?

  No, but Bert, like.

• 1:11:31Speaker 00

  And, and that's when you know you're rich.

• 1:11:33Sam Morril?

  But Bert was telling us when we started to really headline, Bert would be the one who'd be like, you're gonna start to really care. You're gonna be obsessed with your ticket count.

• 1:11:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:40Sam Morril?

  You're gonna be obsessed.

• 1:11:41Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:11:41Sam Morril?

  With airline points.

• 1:11:42Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:11:43Sam Morril?

  And everything Bert said to us was a reality. We were like, holy shit, I need airline points. I need this, you know?

• 1:11:49Speaker 00

  I was obsessed with American Airlines. Like, I was.

• 1:11:52Mark Normand?

  That's the one you picked?

• 1:11:53Speaker 00

  I, because.

• 1:11:54Sam Morril?

  It's the worst fucking airline.

• 1:11:55Speaker 00

  I love, out of LA. It's good out of LA.

• 1:11:57Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 1:11:57Speaker 00

  Dallas is a big hub. I was doing a lot of Texas dates and Dallas was always a, a quick jump. So like, and I, I wasn't United, it wasn't Continental disappeared, wasn't Delta, she had to fly to Atlanta. So it was American. And I was obsessed with American. I was obsessed with American.

• 1:12:13Mark Normand?

  Their lounge isn't great.

• 1:12:14Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:12:15Mark Normand?

  The lounge isn't even that great.

• 1:12:16Speaker 00

  The lounge is amazing.

• 1:12:17Sam Morril?

  I would say, I would say America, an American at best is third, fourth. Maybe third or fourth.

• 1:12:23Mark Normand?

  Delta, United, American.

• 1:12:24Speaker 00

  No, I want American. I want you to hear I was about to trash you and now I'm your ride or die.

• 1:12:29Mark Normand?

  Alright, bring it on, cause I could be convinced.

• 1:12:31Sam Morril?

  Delta, United and JetBlue are undeniably better airlines.

• 1:12:33Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:12:34Mark Normand?

  JetBlue, uh, they have no lounge.

• 1:12:36Sam Morril?

  Alright, fine. Take JetBlue out.

• 1:12:38Speaker 00

  No lounge. Uh, you fly Mint, you either get the choice of flying next to a man in first class or by yourself. And you don't get to pick. Fuck that. That's bullshit.

• 1:12:46Sam Morril?

  Okay, fine. So Delta and United undeniably.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna shit on Delta.

• 1:12:50Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 1:12:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, please.

• 1:12:51Speaker 00

  It's like the Ikea of flying. They've made every chair ergonomic and, and not comfortable.

• 1:12:58Sam Morril?

  By the way, ergonomic's a good thing to talk about.

• 1:13:00Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no.

• 1:13:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:01Speaker 00

  My goddamn couch here. Like, it's like, this is Delta first class.

• 1:13:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but, yeah, but you know what? But this couch here keeps you engaged. For a pod, it's pretty good.

• 1:13:10Mark Normand?

  It's a church pew.

• 1:13:11Speaker 00

  But for a fucking six hour flight to Atlanta.

• 1:13:13Sam Morril?

  No, I'll give you that.

• 1:13:14Speaker 00

  So, American is number one.

• 1:13:16Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:13:17Speaker 00

  Also has a thing called, and I know that I'm in trouble for saying this, American. A thing called Katschirsky. Are you familiar with that?

• 1:13:24Sam Morril?

  No.

• 1:13:25Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:13:26Speaker 00

  So, Katschirsky.

• 1:13:27Mark Normand?

  What was the 9/11 flight?

• 1:13:29Speaker 00

  United, United, keep going.

• 1:13:30Mark Normand?

  Ah, fuck, I didn't know that.

• 1:13:32Speaker 00

  Don't bring that up.

• 1:13:33Mark Normand?

  Well, I didn't, I just see what, whatever.

• 1:13:34Sam Morril?

  The seats were nice, that's not their fault.

• 1:13:36Mark Normand?

  That's true, alright. I'm just curious.

• 1:13:39Sam Morril?

  There's not a lot you can do in that situation.

• 1:13:40Mark Normand?

  Trying to take American down. Alright, keep going, keep your, uh, your, uh, your plea.

• 1:13:46Sam Morril?

  You know, you know the terrorists were like, which one should we pick?

• 1:13:49Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 1:13:49Sam Morril?

  That is tough.

• 1:13:50Speaker 00

  Hang on, Sam, Sam, Sam. Sam, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

• 1:13:56Mark Normand?

  Trying to win the argument.

• 1:13:57Speaker 00

  I'm having a moment, I'm having a real moment. What was the 9/11 flight? And he goes, "Yeah, but the seats were nice." That was the funniest thing I've ever fucked.

• 1:14:06Sam Morril?

  It went out in style.

• 1:14:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, the seats, the seats were nice.

• 1:14:09Sam Morril?

  You know what sucks about that?

• 1:14:11Speaker 00

  The seats were nice.

• 1:14:12Sam Morril?

  You know what sucks about, you, you booked the first last ticket on that flight? And then you're just like, "Oh, the chicken." And you're expecting a good flight?

• 1:14:18Mark Normand?

  Right, right, you get a couple of drinks in you, then it's like, "Hala, hala, hala."

• 1:14:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah, fuck.

• 1:14:23Mark Normand?

  Fuck me.

• 1:14:23Sam Morril?

  I should have had the pork, it was fuck you to them.

• 1:14:25Mark Normand?

  Go on, Jeff Blue.

• 1:14:26Speaker 00

  The seats were nice. So, American has a thing called Katschirsky.

• 1:14:30Sam Morril?

  The terrorists come up, make it a double.

• 1:14:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right?

• 1:14:34Speaker 00

  Katschirsky is an invitation only.

• 1:14:36Mark Normand?

  Two towers, that's a double. Oh, I'm hammered.

• 1:14:41Speaker 00

  There's too many fucking jokes coming out. This is too fucking joke heavy.

• 1:14:48Mark Normand?

  Well, the Pentagon's, that's the rule of threes.

• 1:14:51Speaker 00

  Five drinks is our limit.

• 1:14:52Mark Normand?

  Alright, two more.

• 1:14:56Speaker 00

  American Airlines.

• 1:14:57Mark Normand?

  Okay. Pitch your case here.

• 1:15:01Speaker 00

  No, American Airlines has concierge key. Invitation only.

• 1:15:05Mark Normand?

  What is that?

• 1:15:06Speaker 00

  Invitation only, and you get a separate entrance into the airport.

• 1:15:09Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:15:10Speaker 00

  You get a.

• 1:15:11Sam Morril?

  How do you get invited? Do you have to be a big dog?

• 1:15:13Mark Normand?

  You gotta.

• 1:15:14Speaker 00

  You gotta fly a lot.

• 1:15:15Mark Normand?

  Pip it on a podcast.

• 1:15:16Speaker 00

  No, no, no, actually, this will.

• 1:15:18Sam Morril?

  Mark, yeah.

• 1:15:19Mark Normand?

  Please.

• 1:15:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 1:15:21Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I'll take one too. You gotta, you gotta be invited, and this will get me uninvited. So I'm a concierge key currently, and they will now rescind my invitation because I'm talking about it. But I don't really give a fuck, so I don't.

• 1:15:33Sam Morril?

  Is it like Raya but for the sky?

• 1:15:35Mark Normand?

  Skaya.

• 1:15:36Sam Morril?

  Skaya.

• 1:15:37Mark Normand?

  But you do private now, I thought.

• 1:15:40Speaker 00

  No, I, I've done private, but I don't do private.

• 1:15:42Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:15:43Speaker 00

  I have a fear of flying, so like.

• 1:15:45Sam Morril?

  How bad are you, do you drug yourself on every flight?

• 1:15:47Mark Normand?

  Ari jumps in.

• 1:15:52Mark Normand?

  But.

• 1:15:54Mark Normand?

  I thought you were doing private for LA to Austin, LA to Austin, because you're like the last guy in LA. You and Santino and Bobby and Tim.

• 1:16:02Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:16:03Sam Morril?

  Tim?

• 1:16:03Speaker 00

  I'm never gonna lie and, and manipulate my fans and tell them I'm something I'm not. So like, I'll tell you if I fly private.

• 1:16:11Speaker 00

  I fly private a lot, but I, I don't, um, I don't enjoy it because it's, uh, they're smaller planes.

• 1:16:17Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:16:18Speaker 00

  Forward, Pete will tell you right now, a- and you know Pete very well.

• 1:16:23Mark Normand?

  Pete?

• 1:16:25Speaker 00

  I, uh.

• 1:16:25Mark Normand?

  Pete should be drinking as well, this isn't fair.

• 1:16:27Speaker 00

  Can we get Pete a drink, please? I.

• 1:16:30Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 1:16:31Speaker 00

  I, uh, the smaller planes give me horrific anxiety, and I'm a mess.

• 1:16:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:35Speaker 00

  How many times have you seen me cry on a plane?

• 1:16:37Sam Morril?

  You cry?

• 1:16:38Speaker 00

  Buddy.

• 1:16:39Sam Morril?

  That's fucking horrible.

• 1:16:40Speaker 00

  Every private flight I have, I cry. I cry on private.

• 1:16:44Sam Morril?

  It's insane to get to the level where you fly private and you don't even enjoy it.

• 1:16:47Speaker 00

  I hate it.

• 1:16:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, they're shakier.

• 1:16:49Speaker 00

  I don't fly private, I don't fly private because I want to.

• 1:16:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:52Speaker 00

  I fly private because I have to, like, it's, it's like, you know, we got a thing and we have to do, we have to get you there. And I'm like, okay, but I don't want to fly private, and they're like, and then I, I'm also kind of cheap. So like, if they go, well, we have one for $15,000 or one for $35,000, I go, do 15, and I'll just cry and drink.

• 1:17:10Speaker 00

  It sucks, man, it sucks.

• 1:17:11Sam Morril?

  This one's flown by Hezbollah Air.

• 1:17:15Speaker 00

  The flight we're having tomorrow is American Airlines, right? Seven sixty, is it Delta?

• 1:17:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, you've been shitting on them, ergonomic. Did, can you do a flesh cranberry mine?

• 1:17:25Speaker 00

  Bigger plane and a more steady flight.

• 1:17:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:28Speaker 00

  And so, yeah, but I, I, I find it.

• 1:17:31Sam Morril?

  No, I'm with you. I like a big plane, too. It doesn't make total sense, cause like, but like, bigger, you just feel way safer.

• 1:17:36Speaker 00

  You feel way safer.

• 1:17:37Sam Morril?

  The shaking is fucking brutal.

• 1:17:38Speaker 00

  Dude, have you ever flown private out of Las Vegas?

• 1:17:41Sam Morril?

  I have, no, I haven't. I've flown private very rarely. It's been on other people's dime, obviously, but uh...

• 1:17:46Mark Normand?

  I did it with Louis once and he flipped. It's weird to see Louis, like, your hero, it was like, oh god, ah, cause it was like, dipping like this.

• 1:17:54Speaker 00

  It sucks, it sucks. I mean, I know that everyone thinks it's a flex if you post you're flying private.

• 1:17:58Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:17:59Speaker 00

  First of all, if I post I'm flying private, I'm just doing it cause I'm not, I'm a regular person. And that's what regular people do if they fly private.

• 1:18:05Mark Normand?

  Sure, sure.

• 1:18:05Speaker 00

  This is the worst thing I've ever done, right? But also, it sucks so bad, I fucking hate it. I hate it. I would much rather fly a seven sixty seven, seven eight seven, or seven seven seven, and be comfortable as fuck.

• 1:18:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:21Speaker 00

  In a big sleeper bed, with tons of people, tons of souls on the plane.

• 1:18:25Mark Normand?

  Souls, they call them. I like that.

• 1:18:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, no, I'm, I'm, I'm with you. It is something nice about just being taken care of. You get in that first class, they throw a fucking blanket on you.

• 1:18:34Sam Morril?

  Oh, you switched up on me, look at you.

• 1:18:36Mark Normand?

  I've had too much grapefruit. My liver's hurting. But yeah. Nah, I'm just kidding. Trying to make you feel better.

• 1:18:43Speaker 00

  A little weird.

• 1:18:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 1:18:45Sam Morril?

  Your liver's fucked up?

• 1:18:46Speaker 00

  No, I'm kidding.

• 1:18:46Mark Normand?

  Your liver's like, this, we're right at home.

• 1:18:48Speaker 00

  I got blood work, I got blood work in.

• 1:18:49Sam Morril?

  Your liver must be ripped. Your liver, your liver's like...

• 1:18:54Speaker 00

  We got the same liver.

• 1:18:58Speaker 00

  I love when people are like...

• 1:19:02Speaker 00

  I'll tell you right now, go to, go to Ways to Well.

• 1:19:06Mark Normand?

  Who?

• 1:19:06Speaker 00

  Ways to Well.

• 1:19:07Mark Normand?

  What's that now?

• 1:19:08Speaker 00

  Ways to Well. Ways to Well.

• 1:19:10Mark Normand?

  Ways to Well?

• 1:19:11Speaker 00

  Dude, I get my blood work done every six months.

• 1:19:13Sam Morril?

  You're good.

• 1:19:14Speaker 00

  My fucking shit's clean.

• 1:19:15Mark Normand?

  Come on.

• 1:19:17Speaker 00

  Pete?

• 1:19:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah?

• 1:19:18Speaker 00

  Last one. Denise said my liver's never been healthier.

• 1:19:23Mark Normand?

  Is it the exercising, the water, the, the pills?

• 1:19:26Speaker 00

  So the way LeBron looks at his body, I look at my body, right?

• 1:19:30Sam Morril?

  I've always said you guys have the same.

• 1:19:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah, what the hell?

• 1:19:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah LeBron, LeBron has five drinks on a podcast.

• 1:19:42Speaker 00

  By the way, that's my favorite Sam laugh I've ever heard.

• 1:19:47Speaker 00

  I do all the shit he does, but I do it for my liver. So I get, I get two IVs a week. Look at them still laughing.

• 1:19:59Mark Normand?

  I don't know if this is the best podcast ever recorded, or I'm hammered. But this is amazing.

• 1:20:05Mark Normand?

  We've gone past drugs.

• 1:20:07Sam Morril?

  Bird comparing his health to LeBron James is the best moment we've had. The way LeBron looks at his body, the greatest athletes ever lived.

• 1:20:18Mark Normand?

  Your liver's the color of LeBron, I'll give you that. But I don't know about, we're doing the same health, same liver. Liver please.

• 1:20:32Speaker 00

  Can we do a Patreon call, we might be hammered?

• 1:20:36Sam Morril?

  Holy shit. No, that's so funny.

• 1:20:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:20:41Speaker 00

  I wish, I wish I wasn't a joke. Like, I mean, it's like, no, no, no, no.

• 1:20:45Sam Morril?

  We fucking love you.

• 1:20:46Speaker 00

  When I was a kid, I realized the funniest I was, when it was I wasn't trying to be funny. And that's, that's the purest comic you get, is like, when you're not trying to be funny, and people laugh, and you're like, I don't know why they're laughing.

• 1:20:59Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:20:59Speaker 00

  And I swear to God, I'm gonna say-

• 1:21:01Sam Morril?

  Cause you can't turn it off.

• 1:21:02Speaker 00

  Cause you go, I go, I, I dated a chick one time, Erica Youngblood, who was so funny. And she never was trying to be funny. And I, and she couldn't understand why I was laughing, and I was like, she's so enjoyable. And, and I was like, but the truth is, I really honestly, I saw that LeBron shit, where he gets in the thing, and I was like, I literally, I wish I didn't say that, I was like, that's me. I'm gonna start, I'm gonna start doing all this shit.

• 1:21:29Sam Morril?

  You work out like crazy, though.

• 1:21:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you can, your, your arms are huge.

• 1:21:32Speaker 00

  I have a personal trainer, shows up at-

• 1:21:34Mark Normand?

  You have a trainer.

• 1:21:36Speaker 00

  I have-

• 1:21:36Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 1:21:37Speaker 00

  Two, uh, yeah, we can say that now, right?

• 1:21:42Speaker 00

  I've had.

• 1:21:42Mark Normand?

  Don't bleep the name.

• 1:21:43Speaker 00

  I've had two of his personal trainers.

• 1:21:45Mark Normand?

  Two?

• 1:21:45Speaker 00

  Two of them, yeah, two of them.

• 1:21:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:21:47Speaker 00

  The one I have now is fucking gangster and I know those were awesome personal trainers.

• 1:21:52Mark Normand?

  The black guy on the tour?

• 1:21:55Speaker 00

  No, you had him.

• 1:21:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:56Sam Morril?

  I had him too, I met him.

• 1:21:57Speaker 00

  I had another one.

• 1:21:58Sam Morril?

  From Boston, right?

• 1:21:59Speaker 00

  I had a bunch, Navy SEAL guy.

• 1:22:01Sam Morril?

  He was awesome.

• 1:22:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, and.

• 1:22:02Sam Morril?

  Dude, we're doing like, we're like working out by day. It was incredible.

• 1:22:06Speaker 00

  But I, I sauna, cold plunge, I get IVs twice a week. I'm, I'm, I'm doing the whole regimen. I'm at Ways to Well and I, shout out to Brigham and Denise over at Ways to Well. There's Rogan's people. The people you get.

• 1:22:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, Denise.

• 1:22:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:22:21Mark Normand?

  She's hot.

• 1:22:22Speaker 00

  And she is amazing, but like they, Denise and I had a meeting, you know, a couple of months ago. She was like, you've had the best numbers you've ever had. And I honestly, I gotta be honest with you, there's. You can get in front of the shit that's gonna be bad. Like you, I'm on testosterone. I'm on metformin. I got blood pressure medicine. I got cholesterol medicine. I got, uh, fricking, uh, not hazelnut, but like some shit like.

• 1:22:49Mark Normand?

  You're throwing out words now?

• 1:22:51Speaker 00

  So much shit, but I take it every morning. I take it every night.

• 1:22:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:54Speaker 00

  And.

• 1:22:55Mark Normand?

  At my bachelor party. That was a lot of pills on your nightstand.

• 1:22:58Speaker 00

  Yes, yes, I'm a.

• 1:23:00Mark Normand?

  So you're, you're on it. You're ahead of it.

• 1:23:02Speaker 00

  Dude, I, I love, dude, Ari and I were talking about your bachelor party last night.

• 1:23:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, that was a wild time.

• 1:23:08Sam Morril?

  I'm fucking bummed that they said shit.

• 1:23:09Mark Normand?

  That, that was a great house. Well, except for the big fight, but other than that, that was a hell of a time. The.

• 1:23:14Sam Morril?

  You guys are good.

• 1:23:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. I hate that it goes out there that people think I don't like Joe.

• 1:23:20Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 1:23:20Speaker 00

  It bothers me because I go.

• 1:23:21Sam Morril?

  No, you love him. You love him.

• 1:23:22Speaker 00

  I just hung out with him.

• 1:23:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:24Speaker 00

  Like it, it bums me out that like fans would polarize. I go, don't.

• 1:23:28Mark Normand?

  That's what they do. That's what they do. They like it. They like the shit. They like the drama. It makes their lives feel important or interesting. I don't know. I'm drunk. It's crazy, but this.

• 1:23:40Speaker 00

  You're serious? Is that a real thing?

• 1:23:41Mark Normand?

  Well, that's what the internet is. It's just like, oh, let's get something going.

• 1:23:45Sam Morril?

  Gossip and outrage.

• 1:23:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:46Sam Morril?

  I mean, look at Twitter. It's all just fucking like, what the fuck? It's not like funny doesn't work anymore. Funny is.

• 1:23:52Mark Normand?

  It's not enough.

• 1:23:52Sam Morril?

  Remember, remember when Twitter was like all like puns and like dick jokes and then it just became like, look at this.

• 1:23:58Mark Normand?

  Right. You know what the two biggest specials were last year on Netflix? Chris Rock was one, because they want to hear about the slap.

• 1:24:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:07Mark Normand?

  Two is Mulaney, because they want to hear about the rehab. So like you got a scandal.

• 1:24:11Sam Morril?

  They're also two of the biggest comics.

• 1:24:12Mark Normand?

  Well, sure, sure, but.

• 1:24:13Speaker 00

  There are two.

• 1:24:14Mark Normand?

  They're two.

• 1:24:14Speaker 00

  They're two great comics.

• 1:24:15Mark Normand?

  They're two great comics, but now you gotta have that extra thing now. It's not just about the funniest. It's about like, oh, what's the scandal? That's part of comedy now, which is kind of a bummer.

• 1:24:24Speaker 00

  Sweet, sweet, sweet. Uh, I'm curious to think, as two legit best joke writers in New York, do you see that and you go like, what am I going to do different?

• 1:24:35Mark Normand?

  Nah, I don't want to feed into it. I'd rather just, just keep being funny.

• 1:24:40Sam Morril?

  I don't, I don't put any thought into it other than, is this a joke that's working or not?

• 1:24:45Mark Normand?

  Same, because it's kind of short money, because the slap will go away, the rehab will go away. It's just about comedy at the end of the day.

• 1:24:52Sam Morril?

  If that thing happens, it falls in your lap and it just happens.

• 1:24:54Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:24:54Sam Morril?

  Thing, but like, I, I, I think with jokes, you just, what do I know? But like, I think it's just like, you just gotta write jokes and hope they fucking land. I don't know.

• 1:25:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:04Speaker 00

  How do you guys structure an hour? Like, I'm curious, because I know, I know how I do it, but I'm such a story guy that like, I have to do it a certain way. And this special, I, I, I thought to myself, I want to be super joke heavy for the first four minutes.

• 1:25:19Mark Normand?

  That was dense. I watched it. It is dense. You're getting a laugh every 12 seconds.

• 1:25:23Speaker 00

  But, but that's because of you guys, because I go like, it's not my strong suit. It's not, not what I do well, at least. And so I was like, so let's go, I want to be like, four minutes in and be like, don't turn it off, right? That's, that's the move. I'm, I'm getting into the weeds here, but like, I looked at Netflix specials as very different as stand-up. Is like, and when I started doing stand-up after Netflix specials, I was like, oh, it's always about a Netflix special. So like, I always go very front-loaded, closers at 22 minutes.

• 1:25:54Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:25:55Speaker 00

  I always do closer at 22 minutes.

• 1:25:56Mark Normand?

  So how do you hang them on for the last 30?

• 1:25:58Speaker 00

  Doesn't matter.

• 1:25:59Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 1:26:00Speaker 00

  The 32 minutes, at 22 minutes, if they've heard your closer, they're going to stick around. And I'm telling you right now, the last story, and I'm not, I'm just saying the last story I have. Uh, my rate of retention is through the roof through Netflix. It's, it's through the roof, but it's, I think it's.

• 1:26:15Sam Morril?

  Because you think you, because you, you.

• 1:26:17Mark Normand?

  Pull them in early.

• 1:26:18Speaker 00

  I, I, my closer, I, whatever closer I have, which I think is like oven mitts, maybe, is, is, I throw it at 22 minutes because I go, yo, if you're about to turn me off, don't.

• 1:26:29Mark Normand?

  Damn, no one's thinking like that. That's very interesting.

• 1:26:31Speaker 00

  I've been thinking like that since.

• 1:26:32Sam Morril?

  I, I, yeah, I mean, shit, I don't know, man, like that, that's interesting because the retention rate, I guess, is, is shit, but, uh, right now, I just kind of do it the way I, I do it on the road, which is, is not that way. I, my closer's my closer, but.

• 1:26:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah, same.

• 1:26:47Speaker 00

  I would argue, I, I, I tell you, I know that, uh, one of my best, it's my two favorite specials I've ever seen.

• 1:26:57Sam Morril?

  What are they?

• 1:26:58Speaker 00

  Uh, and I, and I, and I, I, one of them is, is like a, it's a, it's a side compliment a little bit.

• 1:27:03Mark Normand?

  Favorite spot, I'd probably go Corky and Forrest Gump. All right, sorry, I'm drunk.

• 1:27:11Sam Morril?

  I want to, I want to know your favorite specials. No, I liked it.

• 1:27:14Mark Normand?

  Tired of people.

• 1:27:14Speaker 00

  Anthony Jezzleak has my best favorite opening joke I've ever seen in my entire life.

• 1:27:18Mark Normand?

  Which one? Which special, I mean? Not the last one?

• 1:27:21Speaker 00

  No, not the last one.

• 1:27:22Mark Normand?

  Um.

• 1:27:23Speaker 00

  One before that.

• 1:27:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, uh, shit.

• 1:27:25Speaker 00

  My friend.

• 1:27:26Mark Normand?

  Fire ward in the children's unit or something?

• 1:27:29Speaker 00

  My friend said to me, my wife won't let us hang out anymore.

• 1:27:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a great joke.

• 1:27:36Speaker 00

  One of the best jokes I've ever written.

• 1:27:37Sam Morril?

  How does it go again?

• 1:27:39Mark Normand?

  The internet's back, thank God.

• 1:27:42Mark Normand?

  Wow, that was 38 minutes ago.

• 1:27:45Mark Normand?

  Hold on, give me a Jezzleak, a list of specials.

• 1:27:49Speaker 00

  Give me the Jezzleak joke. It's such a good joke. It's such a good joke.

• 1:27:53Sam Morril?

  He's, he's, as far as, as far as the right turn goes, I don't know if there's anyone better. I mean, he's like really just.

• 1:27:59Mark Normand?

  He's the Mr. X King.

• 1:28:00Speaker 00

  Joke, I mean, hang on, I gotta, I.

• 1:28:03Sam Morril?

  He's excellent.

• 1:28:04Speaker 04

  My best friend's wife is a born again Christian, and we do not get along at all.

• 1:28:13Speaker 04

  The other day, she called me up to yell at me, saying I'm a terrible influence on her husband, because he called her a bad name. I said, what? Did he call you a bitch? She said, no, Anthony, he did not use the B word.

• 1:28:34Speaker 04

  I said, uh-oh.

• 1:28:40Mark Normand?

  Uh oh, that's funny.

• 1:28:45Speaker 04

  Did he call you a cunt?

• 1:28:50Speaker 04

  She said, "No." I said, "Well," then he didn't hear it from me.

• 1:28:57Sam Morril?

  You know what's great about it?

• 1:28:58Mark Normand?

  That's great.

• 1:28:59Sam Morril?

  Is it's like, almost like a street joke that he wrote.

• 1:29:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:29:03Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 1:29:03Sam Morril?

  It's like an old school, like, like joke book joke that he modernized and made his own.

• 1:29:10Mark Normand?

  His own and dark.

• 1:29:11Speaker 00

  It's one of my favorite jokes. And by the way, and, and, so, so...

• 1:29:16Mark Normand?

  I still laughed, I've heard it, it's still... What's the name of that special? Sorry, just to give it a shout out.

• 1:29:20Sam Morril?

  Fire in the Maternity Ward.

• 1:29:21Mark Normand?

  That's it, thank you.

• 1:29:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he is, he is a, he is a great joke writer, like...

• 1:29:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, he is.

• 1:29:26Speaker 00

  I did, I did the, I did Secret Time and, and, and I put my closure at 22 minutes. And then they were like, "Yo, can we..." They brought me in, they were like, "Yo, you ready to retire?"

• 1:29:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 1:29:36Speaker 00

  And I was like, and they're like, "What did you do different?" And I told them, I put my closure...

• 1:29:39Sam Morril?

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:29:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, I saw him a mile away.

• 1:29:42Sam Morril?

  God, fucking damn it.

• 1:29:43Mark Normand?

  Oh...

• 1:29:49Mark Normand?

  Ah, hey! We might be drunk, so am I. It's no secret, if you want to grow your business, you gotta use Shopify. They're the number one checkout on the planet. Shopify boosts conversions up to 50% by making it ridiculously easy for your clients to quickly check out, whether they're on the web, in your store, or on social media. You gotta go Shopify. That's all we use. We, we sell booze, we sell glasses, we sell shirts, we sell our souls. No more abandoned carts and no more losing business due to long, drawn-out checkout processes. Shopify makes it easy to succeed.

• 1:30:30Mark Normand?

  Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Jim Shark uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com/Drunk, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com/Drunk to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com/Drunk.

• 1:30:52Sam Morril?

  Wait a second, wait a sec.

• 1:30:55Speaker 00

  Everyone cover your drink.

• 1:30:57Mark Normand?

  Get this guy a cocktail. All right, we're five, six drinks in here.

• 1:31:01Sam Morril?

  I gotta piss anyways.

• 1:31:02Speaker 00

  I gotta piss too.

• 1:31:03Mark Normand?

  Get this guy a drink, cause this isn't fair. We're hammered here.

• 1:31:05Sam Morril?

  You're already hammered?

• 1:31:06Mark Normand?

  It's fucking, he's been here since three.

• 1:31:08Speaker 00

  You gotta catch up.

• 1:31:08Sam Morril?

  When did Burt start drinking?

• 1:31:12Mark Normand?

  1988.

• 1:31:12Sam Morril?

  I'm in it life, yeah.

• 1:31:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Oh geez. Well, we were, we did like a half hour on you, by the way.

• 1:31:18Sam Morril?

  Oh, really?

• 1:31:19Mark Normand?

  It wasn't good.

• 1:31:22Speaker 00

  You know, you know, you have to realize at this point, the people, people just speak with you about honesty.

• 1:31:28Sam Morril?

  People speak with me about honesty?

• 1:31:30Speaker 00

  Like.

• 1:31:30Sam Morril?

  I gotta catch up to understand this.

• 1:31:32Mark Normand?

  What happened last night, by the way? You guys hung out?

• 1:31:34Sam Morril?

  Got some hookers, it was pretty sweet, shared one, spit roast. We all took turns.

• 1:31:39Speaker 00

  Oh dude, I thought I was getting fucked last night.

• 1:31:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, by the Costa Rican.

• 1:31:45Speaker 00

  Taking my room and I had to like, shut her down and be like, yo, this isn't happening.

• 1:31:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:51Mark Normand?

  Good show.

• 1:31:52Sam Morril?

  It's not happening.

• 1:31:53Speaker 00

  She was trying to help a drunk guy get to his room.

• 1:31:56Sam Morril?

  She's like, you're out of it.

• 1:31:58Speaker 00

  She was like, hey, you don't know what room you're in, you don't have a key, you don't know where you are, I'm gonna get you to bed. And I was like, I was like, I called Leanne and was like, looks like someone's still getting jocked.

• 1:32:09Speaker 00

  And then I realized, oh, she's kinda.

• 1:32:11Sam Morril?

  I walked Bert home yesterday, he got to the hotel and he's like, damn, this looks like exactly like my hotel. And then he's like, oh, it's, it's my hotel.

• 1:32:19Mark Normand?

  Where were you guys?

• 1:32:19Sam Morril?

  We were just bonding, went to get cigars.

• 1:32:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 1:32:22Sam Morril?

  Burt's superpower and biggest problem is that he does not slur. So you can't tell how tuned up he is.

• 1:32:33Speaker 00

  I'll tell you right now, people go, I always go, Leanne will tell me if I have a drinking problem, but no one can tell.

• 1:32:39Sam Morril?

  No one can tell, you never know when you're tuned up.

• 1:32:41Mark Normand?

  I've seen you legless.

• 1:32:42Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:32:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:32:44Speaker 00

  Do you remember, and can you explain to Ari, the time we went into that strip club?

• 1:32:49Mark Normand?

  Oh, Waterloo. That was the hardest I've ever la- we were on the floor!

• 1:32:54Sam Morril?

  It was so great.

• 1:32:55Mark Normand?

  You can never repeat it, it doesn't, doesn't read with people.

• 1:32:58Speaker 00

  It doesn't make as much sense.

• 1:32:59Mark Normand?

  I hear that song by ABBA. Great song. I hear that song, I think of that night every fucking time. Where were we? We were in like Sweden or Stockholm, whatever it was. We went to some strip club and the lady was trying to be coy and she was like, "Yes, uh, we cannot have you in here unless we know you."

• 1:33:19Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:33:19Mark Normand?

  Was that it? Something like that.

• 1:33:21Speaker 00

  She goes, "Gentlemen."

• 1:33:22Mark Normand?

  We were bombed.

• 1:33:24Speaker 00

  "Our girl for a little bit more commitment."

• 1:33:27Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:33:28Speaker 00

  And Mark, and Mark is reading like her real English and he goes, "So, hang on, do we have to date them?"

• 1:33:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:36Speaker 00

  She goes, "No, no, no, no. You know what I mean. We take you downstairs for a little bit more of a commitment." And Mark's like, "So, we gotta catch up on Game of Thrones?" We were laughing so hard and then, and then we left and we laughed for the whole walk.

• 1:33:52Mark Normand?

  Cause we kept tagging the bit.

• 1:33:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, just kept tagging the bit back and forth.

• 1:33:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Basically, she was saying, "We're hookers. This isn't a strip club. Like, it's a brothel."

• 1:33:59Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:34:00Mark Normand?

  "You gotta like fuck us in Sweden, hang out a while." I don't know where the fuck we were, somewhere in Europe.

• 1:34:04Speaker 00

  I took it out of a special one time. I, uh, I never put it in a special, but like, the best part is then Mark and I went to a strip club and we roll in. And Leanne texts us when we're walking in, Leanne goes, "What are you doing?"

• 1:34:17Speaker 00

  "Going to a strip club with Mark."

• 1:34:18Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 1:34:19Speaker 00

  And she goes, "Cool." And then we sit down and Mark goes, "Hey, you tell her?" And I go, "Yeah, of course, my wife." We sit down and Leanne goes, um...

• 1:34:27Mark Normand?

  She just writes back, "Cool," that's it?

• 1:34:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, she goes, "Are you getting a lap dance?" And we weren't at the time. And Mark sees it, he goes, "Hey, what do you say to that?" Cause Mark's, I think you just started dating May?

• 1:34:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:37Speaker 00

  And he was like, "What do you say to that?" And I was like, "Well, it's my wife. I'm honest with her." I said, "No, I'm not getting a lap dance right now."

• 1:34:44Mark Normand?

  Right now?

• 1:34:45Speaker 00

  I had the phone on the thing and then it bubbles come up and Mark grabs the phone and I go, "What does it say?" And Mark goes, "Hey, she called you a faggot."

• 1:34:56Mark Normand?

  I remember that strip club. That was a fun time.

• 1:34:58Speaker 00

  That was a fun time.

• 1:34:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I don't know. Where were we? Reykjavik, or Sweden, or Copenhagen? We were somewhere.

• 1:35:05Sam Morril?

  Those skins and avian country.

• 1:35:07Speaker 00

  Mark Norman. Mark Norman was a fucking-

• 1:35:10Mark Normand?

  Doesn't slur, you know.

• 1:35:13Speaker 00

  That guy was so fun. I remember you eating that velvet cupcake, and you go, "Hey, I think there's weed in it."

• 1:35:19Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:35:20Speaker 00

  And I was like, "Mark, there's a lot of weed in it."

• 1:35:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:24Speaker 00

  Hey!

• 1:35:25Mark Normand?

  Geez, you remember more than I do. That was a blur.

• 1:35:28Speaker 00

  You made me laugh. I think we really started hanging out.

• 1:35:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. I barely knew you, and we really bonded. I mean, the flight-

• 1:35:35Sam Morril?

  I remember that. You were worried about it, like, "What do I do with Bert?" I'm like, "Throw every other drink into a plant."

• 1:35:40Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's good advice, and I wish I did that. But you always give good advice. I did my first Rogan, and back when it was on YouTube, when it was like, a career maker. And I was like, "I got this, I got that, what should I say?" And you go, "You're already overthinking it. Just go in and have fun."

• 1:35:55Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:35:56Mark Normand?

  And that was great advice.

• 1:35:57Speaker 00

  You rolled in drunk with a tie on.

• 1:35:59Mark Normand?

  Yes, I did-

• 1:36:00Speaker 00

  You texted me too.

• 1:36:02Mark Normand?

  I did the Tonight Show the night before, got hammered all night with, I don't know, you, somebody. Did an hour of sleep, got on a flight, flew to LA, and did Rogan, hungover with the tie on. I had a couple pops at the airport.

• 1:36:16Sam Morril?

  That's the way to do anything. You get off a flight, you kill a hangover with some booze, and you're like, "I'm not thinking."

• 1:36:23Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:36:23Sam Morril?

  I'm the most me I'll ever be.

• 1:36:25Speaker 00

  I'm the most genuine human being.

• 1:36:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:28Speaker 00

  That's why I never understand why people don't love a drunk guy accosting them.

• 1:36:35Speaker 00

  I go, "Yo, I'm being-

• 1:36:36Mark Normand?

  Go on.

• 1:36:39Speaker 00

  By the way, I've had my two favorite Sam laughs I've ever had in my entire life.

• 1:36:42Mark Normand?

  He's a good laugh.

• 1:36:45Speaker 00

  You are the most genuine laugh in the world.

• 1:36:47Mark Normand?

  When you drink, you're a fun guy. When you're sober, it can be tough. But when he's drunk, it's a hell of a time.

• 1:36:55Sam Morril?

  It's just a great sentence. It's like, you don't like a drunk guy accosting you right now? What's wrong with you?

• 1:37:01Speaker 00

  I'm a talker on an airplane.

• 1:37:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:03Speaker 00

  Hardcore.

• 1:37:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:05Speaker 00

  I remember one time I was like-

• 1:37:06Mark Normand?

  That's why they lock the pilot door. He won't shut the fuck up.

• 1:37:09Sam Morril?

  Bert just rolls up, "Where you flying?"

• 1:37:13Speaker 00

  You don't think I haven't done that?

• 1:37:16Speaker 00

  Let me tell you something. You remember we were talking about knowing who your fans are?

• 1:37:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:19Speaker 00

  Pilots of airlines love me. Love.

• 1:37:23Mark Normand?

  That worries me, actually.

• 1:37:25Speaker 00

  Let me tell you something, I've gotten on a plane, my favorite thing in the world, flight attendant goes, uh, double check on the rocks, lots of rocks.

• 1:37:30Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 1:37:31Sam Morril?

  Oh, nice.

• 1:37:32Mark Normand?

  Have you seen Sully?

• 1:37:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:34Mark Normand?

  That guy knows Bert. Yeah.

• 1:37:37Sam Morril?

  Definitely.

• 1:37:37Mark Normand?

  All right, you gotta slide in here. This is, uh, you're, you're thirty drinks behind.

• 1:37:40Sam Morril?

  I was walking home yesterday, I was with Lev. I saw Lev, and they were on the corner of Sixth and like Fourth, and some homeless guy's like, "How you guys doing?" And then some drunk white guy's like, "I just wanna hear what your joke is," and I mean, I had to stop myself from slapping the shawarma out of his hand. I was so close to just like, "No."

• 1:37:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, but that's you!

• 1:37:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's me.

• 1:37:59Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 1:38:00Sam Morril?

  Love when a pilot recognizes you.

• 1:38:01Speaker 00

  Slapping something out of someone's hand is always gonna be funny.

• 1:38:04Mark Normand?

  It's so funny. They don't like it, but it's funny.

• 1:38:06Sam Morril?

  But it's the right thing to do. But it's gotta be, it's gotta be a friend. You gotta, it's gotta be a friend.

• 1:38:10Mark Normand?

  Gotta be a friend.

• 1:38:11Speaker 00

  You know, black guy on the streets, "I'm gonna join." You don't want that.

• 1:38:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, God. Yeah, that's a bad move.

• 1:38:17Sam Morril?

  But Bird in Harlem alone, "Hey, buddy, you don't want that."

• 1:38:23Mark Normand?

  Well, do you ever think like, people are watching, like, sometimes I think I'm in a movie, so you slap the guy, slap the shit out of a guy's hand, and the guy gets mad at you, and you're like, "But I did it for the people at home." You guys ever have that?

• 1:38:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:34Mark Normand?

  You have the movie?

• 1:38:34Sam Morril?

  The studio audience in your head?

• 1:38:35Mark Normand?

  The studio audience in my head, like, I call it all the time.

• 1:38:37Sam Morril?

  No, we're all deeply mentally ill.

• 1:38:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:38:40Sam Morril?

  What a narcissist thing to say. I'm important.

• 1:38:44Mark Normand?

  I saw George Carlin, he had that special, and he said, uh, he's like, "Me and my friend would get drunk and sit on a couch and pretend we were on Carson." And that's what they would do at night, they were like in a, you know, poor and a shit box studio apartment in LA, and they would do that with Carson, then one day I got on Carson, or whatever, but I totally related to that.

• 1:39:02Sam Morril?

  Oh, same. Oh, yeah, you ever like fantasize about shit I would say, like, I wasn't fantasizing about chicks as much as I would like shit I would say to like Letterman.

• 1:39:08Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, me too!

• 1:39:10Sam Morril?

  Like, obviously, I was thinking about women, I was like, I was thinking about like, I wanna, I wanna hang out with Dave Letterman.

• 1:39:14Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 1:39:14Speaker 00

  I'm gonna do one better, okay?

• 1:39:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Uh-oh.

• 1:39:16Speaker 00

  So wait, so I don't need to see black people slapping?

• 1:39:20Sam Morril?

  It's about to be a shooting. Salacuse, you are ready though. It's about to be a shooting. The internet's back and so is Matt.

• 1:39:26Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, I do not need to see this.

• 1:39:29Mark Normand?

  What the fuck?

• 1:39:30Sam Morril?

  He just had to walk away.

• 1:39:32Speaker 00

  Call someone and then as it rains, you go, hey, what's up? Hello, hello? You practice your...

• 1:39:37Mark Normand?

  I've done that, I've done that.

• 1:39:39Sam Morril?

  First thing in the morning? Hello.

• 1:39:42Speaker 00

  What's up? Like, I called Joey today. And, uh, and I was like in bed and I was ringing, I was like, what's up, big guy? Hey, hey, what's up? How you doing? Hey, Joey. Joey. And I was like practicing my hello.

• 1:39:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:39:55Speaker 00

  I do that all the time.

• 1:39:56Mark Normand?

  I do that too and it's sad. If anyone saw it, you'd kill yourself. But I do it.

• 1:40:01Sam Morril?

  You're basically Travis Bickle in Texas.

• 1:40:02Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, exactly.

• 1:40:03Sam Morril?

  You're talking to me?

• 1:40:04Mark Normand?

  This movie hits home.

• 1:40:05Sam Morril?

  You're talking to me?

• 1:40:07Mark Normand?

  I mean, I've run my set, like my, like a Tonight Show set or whatever, I'm Conan. I used to run that in my apartment, over and over. And I'd picture Conan, be like, get over, that was the best we've ever seen. And I go, thanks.

• 1:40:17Sam Morril?

  Cause I would listen to Seinfeld and like interviews on Fresh Air and he would be like, you gotta go jogging every day. And I'm like, yeah, I'll go running. And I'm like, what does that have to do with comedy? But you're like, it's Jerry saying this.

• 1:40:27Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:40:27Sam Morril?

  I'll run and I'll fucking...

• 1:40:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:40:29Sam Morril?

  There's not a single video in existence of Jerry Seinfeld running. Except, except for that episode.

• 1:40:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Maybe about a week ago.

• 1:40:38Sam Morril?

  When he's running away from Dice.

• 1:40:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pull that up.

• 1:40:40Sam Morril?

  Sprinting away from Dice, trying to like...

• 1:40:42Speaker 00

  He didn't like Dice?

• 1:40:43Sam Morril?

  No, Dice was doing the thing, but he didn't know it was him. And he goes, Jerry, Jerry. And just Jerry's like, some fan, I'm tensing up, I'm not gonna turn around. And Dice just stays after him. He didn't wanna butt.

• 1:40:51Mark Normand?

  Well, it ended...

• 1:40:52Sam Morril?

  A friend in a park.

• 1:40:53Mark Normand?

  It ended nicely.

• 1:40:54Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, hang on. If you come up to me...

• 1:40:56Sam Morril?

  You're an outlier.

• 1:40:59Speaker 00

  No, I'm not.

• 1:41:00Sam Morril?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:41:00Mark Normand?

  Call him a liar.

• 1:41:01Speaker 00

  I'm not, I'm not. No, the...

• 1:41:03Sam Morril?

  What, you mean you're cool if someone walks up to you with a phone?

• 1:41:06Mark Normand?

  Are you kidding? That's his dream.

• 1:41:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's, you're an outlier.

• 1:41:09Speaker 00

  And, and, and don't shame that dream. Let's, let's, hang on.

• 1:41:12Sam Morril?

  I think, I think we've reached a breaking point.

• 1:41:14Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just broke this down at...

• 1:41:15Sam Morril?

  The uns... You're a man of the people.

• 1:41:16Speaker 00

  I just broke that down, this down at Keen's.

• 1:41:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:19Speaker 00

  There are two types of people. There are comics that pretend they don't wanna be famous, right? They're liars and they're manipulators.

• 1:41:28Sam Morril?

  No, but, no, no, I, I think-

• 1:41:29Speaker 00

  Why get on stage? Why get on stage? Don't, what do you think, you're a gift to the gods? That we needed your fucking words to, to, to share with us?

• 1:41:37Sam Morril?

  No one's disputing that, I'm just saying, the walk up without the consent of the, of the video? Just ask for consent.

• 1:41:43Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 1:41:44Sam Morril?

  Nope.

• 1:41:46Speaker 00

  Not you.

• 1:41:47Sam Morril?

  Bert, you're a whore.

• 1:41:48Speaker 00

  Regular people.

• 1:41:48Sam Morril?

  You're a fucking whore.

• 1:41:49Speaker 00

  You're wrong, you're wrong. They're regular people. You're, you're, you're forgetting who your mom is, who your sister is.

• 1:41:54Sam Morril?

  My mom wouldn't go up to someone with a phone.

• 1:41:56Speaker 00

  I'm telling you right now, you are overestimating the world based on your experiences. And we would never do that, we would never do that. But the regular person sees Al-

• 1:42:06Sam Morril?

  Just say, "Hey, can I take a video?"

• 1:42:08Speaker 00

  And goes-

• 1:42:08Sam Morril?

  Al Roker.

• 1:42:10Speaker 00

  I'm telling you, who the regular person sees.

• 1:42:12Sam Morril?

  You get weak-kneed in Al Roker. Bert is fucking hammered.

• 1:42:15Speaker 00

  The regular human goes-

• 1:42:16Sam Morril?

  His biggest hero.

• 1:42:17Speaker 00

  "Oh shit, that's Al Roker, that's Al Roker, he's at a table, he's having dinner, can you believe that's- Can you believe I sat next to Al Roker?" And they do a video. Now listen, Al Roker sees that, I'll tell you the person it happens to the most.

• 1:42:31Sam Morril?

  Matt Lauer.

• 1:42:32Speaker 00

  And I'm, I didn't say this guy, no, Adam Richmond.

• 1:42:35Sam Morril?

  Who?

• 1:42:36Speaker 00

  Adam Richmond.

• 1:42:36Sam Morril?

  Man vs. food?

• 1:42:37Speaker 00

  Man vs. food happened to him all the time.

• 1:42:39Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:42:39Speaker 00

  And I was friends-

• 1:42:40Sam Morril?

  I like that guy.

• 1:42:41Speaker 00

  I was friends with him, and I'd watch it happen to him, and I'd watch him get upset. And I, and I should call him right now to let him defend-

• 1:42:47Sam Morril?

  Call him, call him.

• 1:42:48Mark Normand?

  Is he still around?

• 1:42:49Speaker 00

  Of course, he's great, he's great.

• 1:42:51Sam Morril?

  No, I'm, I'm fine with the video, I'll do your fucking video, just say, "Hey, can I take a video?", that's all I'm asking.

• 1:42:56Mark Normand?

  Don't swarm me.

• 1:42:57Sam Morril?

  The middle pick at my nose, and eating it.

• 1:42:58Speaker 00

  Privilege.

• 1:42:59Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:43:00Speaker 00

  What you don't realize is the average person never thinks you're gonna allow them to do that, never thinks they would-

• 1:43:06Sam Morril?

  I'm not actually that- No, the average person asks, the average person asks. I've never had someone not- Imagine doing that to a regular person, just a normal guy on the street, they'd be like, "Uh."

• 1:43:14Speaker 00

  You're a liar.

• 1:43:14Sam Morril?

  Except for in that steam room.

• 1:43:15Speaker 00

  You're not a regular person.

• 1:43:16Sam Morril?

  I'm a Jew, different, I'm better. True. Stronger, smarter.

• 1:43:19Speaker 00

  But you gotta realize, put yourself into regular people's lives, you're in fucking Orlando.

• 1:43:25Sam Morril?

  That's where comics go to die.

• 1:43:30Sam Morril?

  Picture yourself, guys, everyone, you're in Orlando, Florida.

• 1:43:34Speaker 00

  And you're eating Hooters, right?

• 1:43:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:35Speaker 00

  And you got a fucking mega fan right next to you.

• 1:43:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:39Speaker 00

  And he sees you.

• 1:43:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:40Speaker 00

  You gotta, you gotta remember what it's like to be a regular person.

• 1:43:43Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:43:43Speaker 00

  Forgotten what it's like.

• 1:43:44Sam Morril?

  No, I haven't at all.

• 1:43:46Mark Normand?

  I know what you mean.

• 1:43:46Sam Morril?

  By the way, by the way, Al Roker, I grew up in the city and I knew a girl who was fucking hammered in high school and she's puking on the sidewalk and Al Roker walked up to her and he goes, "That's a disgrace."

• 1:43:59Speaker 00

  Right now.

• 1:44:00Mark Normand?

  Hold on.

• 1:44:00Speaker 00

  Adam Richmond, more than anyone I've ever seen.

• 1:44:03Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:44:04Sam Morril?

  Dude, we literally just got that bottle.

• 1:44:06Speaker 00

  My, my argument always to him was.

• 1:44:08Sam Morril?

  Really? Yeah, we need it in studio. We need Lagavulin.

• 1:44:10Speaker 00

  Yeah. That's what regular people do.

• 1:44:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:44:12Speaker 00

  You can't, you can't deny.

• 1:44:14Mark Normand?

  You can't deny it. I agree. I agree.

• 1:44:16Sam Morril?

  I agree with you. I'm fuck, I'm half fucking around.

• 1:44:18Mark Normand?

  Guy Fieri must get it all day long.

• 1:44:20Speaker 00

  And, and, and here's the deal. Just go like, "Hey, what's up, man?"

• 1:44:23Mark Normand?

  That's it.

• 1:44:23Speaker 00

  Just diffuse it.

• 1:44:24Sam Morril?

  And then we take the video.

• 1:44:25Speaker 00

  And we take the video.

• 1:44:26Sam Morril?

  Well, I'm a group, we're, we're saying the same thing.

• 1:44:28Mark Normand?

  This is why Seinfeld's the man.

• 1:44:29Speaker 00

  Adam Richmond just fucking put me to voicemail.

• 1:44:31Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:44:32Mark Normand?

  Look at this. Look, he's getting berated by a, a, what he thinks is a crazy guy in New York.

• 1:44:36Sam Morril?

  Big shot over here.

• 1:44:37Mark Normand?

  Big shot over here. This is why Dice is so funny.

• 1:44:43Mark Normand?

  And then Seinfeld goes, "Oh, it's a comedian? Let's hang." That's what's cool about Seinfeld. He's this clean comic. He's a big mainstream celebrity. He's getting, uh, trolled by this guy and he's like, "Oh shit, you're a comic? Let's get a photo."

• 1:44:57Sam Morril?

  And he's huge into the rave scene.

• 1:45:01Speaker 00

  Rave scene?

• 1:45:02Sam Morril?

  Rave. Oh, rave.

• 1:45:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, rave.

• 1:45:05Speaker 00

  Rave. Oh, I did, I definitely raved a girl.

• 1:45:11Sam Morril?

  Statutory rave. You know when I got into Lagavulin?

• 1:45:13Speaker 00

  I did rave the girl.

• 1:45:15Sam Morril?

  When I have barbecues at my house and, and, uh, Norman will bring over half drunk bottles of Lagavulin.

• 1:45:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:45:20Sam Morril?

  It's like it's leftovers from the Schumer, from the Schumer green room.

• 1:45:23Speaker 00

  This, what's this?

• 1:45:25Sam Morril?

  Lagavulin 16.

• 1:45:26Mark Normand?

  This is high end shit.

• 1:45:27Sam Morril?

  I would say, I would say Lagavulin is like, you can't beat that shit. So, Peeta, you can chew it.

• 1:45:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:33Sam Morril?

  Like drinking bacon, dude.

• 1:45:34Mark Normand?

  It's very good.

• 1:45:35Speaker 00

  I'm pretty lit right now.

• 1:45:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we all are pretty lit.

• 1:45:37Speaker 00

  I like this.

• 1:45:38Mark Normand?

  This is nice. It's 5:30 in the evening.

• 1:45:40Speaker 00

  We should do, do you guys have Patreon?

• 1:45:43Mark Normand?

  Nah, we're too lazy.

• 1:45:44Sam Morril?

  We got rid of it.

• 1:45:45Speaker 00

  Look at it. It's so great.

• 1:45:46Sam Morril?

  Let me see.

• 1:45:47Speaker 00

  So fucking jacked.

• 1:45:48Mark Normand?

  It's hard.

• 1:45:49Sam Morril?

  Punch it. That's hard, Cor. That's hard.

• 1:45:51Speaker 00

  325 pounds.

• 1:45:53Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 1:45:55Sam Morril?

  You're fucking big dude.

• 1:45:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I jack.

• 1:46:01Mark Normand?

  Uh, Jack. I lift, bro.

• 1:46:04Sam Morril?

  This is turned, this is turned so gay. I'm touching his muscles. He's like, I fucking lift.

• 1:46:08Speaker 00

  By the way, this is what the podcast used to be. I gotta be honest with you.

• 1:46:14Mark Normand?

  Well, the old Rogans with like Burr and all these guys, they say horrible shit. It's so fun because they assume no one's listening.

• 1:46:20Speaker 00

  I remember.

• 1:46:25Sam Morril?

  The second we get wifi back, he couldn't wait to look up Orlando. What a hanger.

• 1:46:29Speaker 00

  It's a good cock, right?

• 1:46:30Sam Morril?

  What a hanger. Yeah.

• 1:46:31Speaker 00

  Go to mine, go to mine, go to mine.

• 1:46:32Mark Normand?

  Ari, you're, Ari, you're doing good. You're doing Ari. You're better than that.

• 1:46:36Sam Morril?

  I'm not soft, I'm not. That's a soft king.

• 1:46:39Mark Normand?

  Soft king, soft sir.

• 1:46:41Speaker 00

  Ari, Ari, solid. Give it a, rate it 1 to 10.

• 1:46:44Sam Morril?

  That, that's an eight and a half.

• 1:46:45Mark Normand?

  Eight and a half?

• 1:46:47Sam Morril?

  There's a picture of me naked, eating a lollipop in front of Burt on stage once. That is so stuffed. There's like nine angles. What do you have, a squid for a cock?

• 1:46:57Mark Normand?

  It's chubbed up.

• 1:46:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm chubbed up.

• 1:46:58Sam Morril?

  It's going in eight different directions.

• 1:47:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. Nothing in there.

• 1:47:01Mark Normand?

  Squid game.

• 1:47:01Speaker 00

  Those are balls. Those are balls and that's a dick and a head of a dick.

• 1:47:05Mark Normand?

  That is the thinnest speedo ever. How did you find that speedo?

• 1:47:09Speaker 00

  Uh, Mark, that's a great question.

• 1:47:12Speaker 00

  Speedos come with a liner and I cut the liner.

• 1:47:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, I knew something was up.

• 1:47:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:47:17Sam Morril?

  The better to jizz in there with.

• 1:47:19Speaker 00

  Dude, where do you see the panties I wear?

• 1:47:21Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:47:21Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 1:47:22Speaker 00

  Leanne got me some panties and they're fucking hot. What, what are we, are we looking for Ari's cock?

• 1:47:28Mark Normand?

  Well, the ball bag is really where Ari shines.

• 1:47:31Sam Morril?

  The ball. I don't even know what that means.

• 1:47:33Speaker 00

  Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

• 1:47:34Sam Morril?

  How do you shine in a ball bag?

• 1:47:36Mark Normand?

  Well, he's got a huge hacky face.

• 1:47:38Sam Morril?

  Oh, there. Is that good?

• 1:47:40Speaker 00

  Shut this down.

• 1:47:40Mark Normand?

  I don't know what's good.

• 1:47:41Sam Morril?

  Black and white, I'm not behind him naked, yeah. I'm right behind him.

• 1:47:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's pre-drugging.

• 1:47:47Speaker 00

  I just, I can't, there's certain things I can't Google. But like, I just know that they're not my Google thing. And like.

• 1:47:54Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 1:47:55Sam Morril?

  I've seen enough of your scrotum for one day.

• 1:47:57Mark Normand?

  We got it, we got it.

• 1:48:00Sam Morril?

  I've seen.

• 1:48:02Mark Normand?

  What are you doing tonight, Ari?

• 1:48:04Sam Morril?

  Might do spots, I might blow them off.

• 1:48:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, well, we're going to the Knicks game.

• 1:48:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:10Mark Normand?

  Uh.

• 1:48:11Sam Morril?

  Gonna barf?

• 1:48:12Mark Normand?

  Huh?

• 1:48:12Sam Morril?

  Gonna barf in the court?

• 1:48:13Mark Normand?

  Probably.

• 1:48:14Sam Morril?

  We're gonna pull Tracy.

• 1:48:16Mark Normand?

  How about that? That'll sell tickets for the next year and a half.

• 1:48:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you gotta scrape, like your tour dates.

• 1:48:20Speaker 00

  Sell tickets? I'll throw up on the court.

• 1:48:22Mark Normand?

  I'm surprised you haven't.

• 1:48:23Speaker 00

  Hey, uh, Permission to Party World Tour starts September 19th.

• 1:48:27Mark Normand?

  You got a new set? I mean, you just put a special on.

• 1:48:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:48:29Sam Morril?

  You have a new hour? It's six months from now.

• 1:48:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got, I.

• 1:48:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:48:33Speaker 00

  Now, and I, I just did nine months off, so all I've been doing is writing jokes.

• 1:48:37Sam Morril?

  So you feel like your life, it's interesting, cause Louis, Louis called me the other day and he was like, "You work in too much, you're calling in the cellar too much, just fucking live." And I was like, "Yeah," so I've been working way less, and I've never done, Liz just like, was like, "You're doing stuff?" Like, Liz was giving me shit. Yeah, you never.

• 1:48:54Mark Normand?

  You go to Knicks game tonight, you go to Knicks game tomorrow, and you go to Yankees the next day.

• 1:48:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:58Mark Normand?

  That's a lot of sports.

• 1:48:59Sam Morril?

  Opening day? Oh, nice.

• 1:49:01Mark Normand?

  You should go, Ar.

• 1:49:02Sam Morril?

  First week, I'm gonna be gone. Yeah, you know, uh, but I, I think there's truth to it. You know, I think there's, Todd Barry the other day was like, telling me, he's like, "There's a Chris Rock thing he said where he goes, uh, 'Your audience is living, you gotta live.'" You gotta know what they're, what they're dealing with. It's true, though. Go wait in the line. What was the face, Bert?

• 1:49:20Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 1:49:22Mark Normand?

  I like the.

• 1:49:23Speaker 00

  I can't imagine Todd Barry riding a roller coaster.

• 1:49:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look.

• 1:49:26Speaker 00

  What are we talking about, living?

• 1:49:27Sam Morril?

  Look.

• 1:49:28Speaker 00

  I mean, Todd, I love you, Todd. What are you doing?

• 1:49:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look.

• 1:49:32Speaker 00

  You do a lot of water slides, roller coasters, horseback rides.

• 1:49:36Sam Morril?

  That is fair.

• 1:49:37Mark Normand?

  Good point, he's in a diner alone.

• 1:49:39Speaker 00

  Todd Barry, I want you to call me with a set list of things you want me to do next week.

• 1:49:43Sam Morril?

  That's actually a TV show.

• 1:49:45Mark Normand?

  That's a great point.

• 1:49:45Speaker 00

  Tuesday morning.

• 1:49:46Mark Normand?

  That's a great point.

• 1:49:47Sam Morril?

  Todd was not the messenger for this one, but.

• 1:49:50Speaker 00

  I love Todd Barry.

• 1:49:51Sam Morril?

  That's a TV show, dude. Bert Kreischer presents, Todd Barry Does Things. Yeah, Google Todd Barry Doing Anything.

• 1:49:58Sam Morril?

  Hey, guys.

• 1:49:59Speaker 00

  Todd Barry's like a black man, he just hangs out by the basketball court, goes to the club.

• 1:50:03Mark Normand?

  Ah, basketball court's generous. He's going to a diner alone.

• 1:50:07Speaker 00

  Black dudes do nothing.

• 1:50:10Sam Morril?

  I think we gotta wrap this up.

• 1:50:13Speaker 00

  When you talk about like black dudes doing shit?

• 1:50:15Mark Normand?

  What? What are you talking about?

• 1:50:16Speaker 00

  Kayaking?

• 1:50:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, no, that's not happening.

• 1:50:18Speaker 00

  I'm not talking about the fucking life.

• 1:50:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, I thought you were talking about work.

• 1:50:21Speaker 00

  Black dudes, they just do like a, they're only allowed to do, Al Jackson's got a great bit about it.

• 1:50:26Mark Normand?

  Barber shop.

• 1:50:27Speaker 00

  They're only allowed to do a couple of things.

• 1:50:29Sam Morril?

  Holler at a white-

• 1:50:30Speaker 00

  Barber shop, go to the court and go to the club.

• 1:50:32Sam Morril?

  Holler at white women on South Beach?

• 1:50:33Speaker 00

  That's it. And, and, and, and, and, but, but what's so funny is like Todd Barry is a black guy technically. He doesn't do a ton of shit.

• 1:50:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's not doing any of those things though.

• 1:50:45Speaker 00

  Ari, have you ever been paddle boarding?

• 1:50:48Sam Morril?

  You've definitely paddled.

• 1:50:48Mark Normand?

  You've been to China.

• 1:50:49Sam Morril?

  Which ones paddle boarding?

• 1:50:50Mark Normand?

  You've been all over the world.

• 1:50:51Speaker 00

  On the surfboard when you paddle?

• 1:50:52Sam Morril?

  When you stand up?

• 1:50:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:50:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I've done that.

• 1:50:53Speaker 00

  Have you ever done kayaking?

• 1:50:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:55Speaker 00

  White water rafting?

• 1:50:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:57Speaker 00

  Surfing?

• 1:50:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:50:59Sam Morril?

  Todd Barry's done none of those.

• 1:51:00Speaker 00

  None of those.

• 1:51:01Mark Normand?

  That's a good point.

• 1:51:02Sam Morril?

  Todd Barry's standing at the beach going, ugh, look at these people.

• 1:51:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:51:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:05Speaker 00

  Look at this, this is Ari and I wake surfing.

• 1:51:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 1:51:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:51:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:10Speaker 00

  Like, white guys do a lot of shit.

• 1:51:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we do shit.

• 1:51:13Sam Morril?

  We have free time and lots of money. We're dancing on a dangerous line here though.

• 1:51:17Mark Normand?

  School shooting.

• 1:51:18Speaker 00

  White guys do a lot of shit.

• 1:51:19Sam Morril?

  We pay our taxes.

• 1:51:22Mark Normand?

  We raise our kids. We do, uh, school shooting.

• 1:51:26Sam Morril?

  We hang, we hang out with our fathers.

• 1:51:29Mark Normand?

  Oklahoma City bombing.

• 1:51:30Sam Morril?

  That was all us.

• 1:51:32Speaker 00

  I wish I could tell Bill Burr joke, we register our guns.

• 1:51:36Sam Morril?

  You and Burr are cool again, are you?

• 1:51:38Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:51:38Sam Morril?

  You're very good, right?

• 1:51:39Mark Normand?

  Whoa, here we go.

• 1:51:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're cool.

• 1:51:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah. What do you mean, here we go, they're cool again?

• 1:51:43Speaker 00

  No, no, we're cool, we're cool. We, uh, we hung out at Shapell's place, we're cool.

• 1:51:47Mark Normand?

  I saw that was a big bum.

• 1:51:48Sam Morril?

  What else, what do white, what do white people and black people connect to do something?

• 1:51:52Mark Normand?

  Drinking?

• 1:51:53Sam Morril?

  Drinking, yeah.

• 1:51:54Mark Normand?

  Smoking?

• 1:51:55Sam Morril?

  Ooh, yeah.

• 1:51:55Speaker 00

  Drinking's a big one.

• 1:51:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:57Speaker 00

  Drinking's a big one.

• 1:51:58Sam Morril?

  Come together.

• 1:51:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, you know what's a big moment with a black guy? When a hot lady walks by and you go, and you see the black guy look and you go?

• 1:52:05Sam Morril?

  Connection.

• 1:52:05Mark Normand?

  Well, that's a connection. Nothing connects black and white more than women.

• 1:52:08Sam Morril?

  More than asses.

• 1:52:09Mark Normand?

  Like a fat ass.

• 1:52:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:10Mark Normand?

  That's a beautiful moment.

• 1:52:11Sam Morril?

  We all like a fat ass.

• 1:52:12Speaker 00

  My first day of working at the Boston Comedy Club.

• 1:52:16Speaker 00

  Patrice O'Neal, Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton and Rachel Voss were standing on West Third Street.

• 1:52:21Sam Morril?

  A black, a Jew, a trans lover and a walk into a bar.

• 1:52:29Speaker 00

  Patrice is catcalling, ladies.

• 1:52:34Mark Normand?

  Ah, remember that?

• 1:52:36Speaker 00

  I never seen that.

• 1:52:36Sam Morril?

  Fat catcalling.

• 1:52:37Speaker 00

  I grew up in Florida, we don't catcall, I live in a cul-de-sac, like, I've never seen someone catcall someone.

• 1:52:41Sam Morril?

  It's tough to do it to your neighbor.

• 1:52:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:52:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:44Sam Morril?

  Hey, Ms. Hey, Ms. Krabopolis.

• 1:52:48Speaker 00

  And, uh, I was like, I was blown away. I'd never seen it, and they were all having fun with it, you know?

• 1:52:55Mark Normand?

  Did it work at all? I'm sure.

• 1:52:56Speaker 00

  No, it doesn't fucking work. It's never, I mean, it has to work sometimes.

• 1:53:00Sam Morril?

  It just gets some attention.

• 1:53:02Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:53:03Sam Morril?

  It's numbers game.

• 1:53:04Speaker 00

  Hang on, I didn't put this joke in my special.

• 1:53:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:07Speaker 00

  But I'll argue this.

• 1:53:08Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 1:53:08Speaker 00

  Ila got catcalled. I was doing Schultz.

• 1:53:10Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:53:10Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:53:10Speaker 00

  Ila got catcalled. I was doing Schultz, I brought Ila with me.

• 1:53:13Sam Morril?

  Schultz catcalled Ila?

• 1:53:15Speaker 00

  Andrew Schultz catcalled my.

• 1:53:16Sam Morril?

  What's up, dime?

• 1:53:20Speaker 00

  I was doing, I was doing Schultz, and I had Ila with me, and.

• 1:53:23Mark Normand?

  My sperm doesn't work.

• 1:53:24Speaker 00

  And she, and she was like, why would they do that? And I go, well, because it, it works.

• 1:53:29Sam Morril?

  Because you're a piece.

• 1:53:30Speaker 00

  She goes, no, it doesn't work. I go, it doesn't work to you, because you have self-esteem. Clearly, it works to.

• 1:53:34Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:53:36Speaker 00

  Like, there's clearly, like, I go, when you go fishing, do you put, uh, do you whistle at the water? She goes, no. I said, why not? She goes, well, that's not how you catch fish. I went, yeah, you put a hook in the water, and I'm certain there's some fish that feel threatened. One fish going, I'll suck that hook.

• 1:53:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, I'm getting these parenting tips. That's good stuff, Eric.

• 1:53:57Speaker 00

  She was like, I don't think I want to meet Andrew Schultz.

• 1:54:00Speaker 00

  No, but, but, uh.

• 1:54:01Sam Morril?

  There's no success stories about like, uh, like a happy marriage that met through like, look at that fat ass.

• 1:54:06Speaker 00

  I kind of get it, I kind of.

• 1:54:08Sam Morril?

  I think they just want attention, and that's it. That's, that's what they're going for, a little bit like, shut up, you, and then move on. Yeah, because every once in a while, it's like, they probably laughed, like, ah.

• 1:54:16Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:54:16Sam Morril?

  Like, it's nice to be noticed, but like, we don't like it, but it's nice to be noticed.

• 1:54:20Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:54:20Sam Morril?

  Biggest hero ever.

• 1:54:21Speaker 00

  Women like catcalling?

• 1:54:23Sam Morril?

  I think there's probably. Latino women love it. There's a type of person who likes it, but I think.

• 1:54:26Speaker 00

  Trans women love it.

• 1:54:27Sam Morril?

  Trans women love it.

• 1:54:29Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:54:29Speaker 00

  Dude, you holler at a trans woman, she's into it.

• 1:54:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah, because they're like, hey.

• 1:54:33Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck, go to Santa Monica and fucking La Brea.

• 1:54:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they're just like. Let's book a ticket, let's fucking do this. Right now. Travel Channel, bring it back.

• 1:54:41Mark Normand?

  Might be J Lo's kid.

• 1:54:42Sam Morril?

  I'll let trans women all over the world. We called Birch, I'm like, dude, you were right, they fuck, they're loving it.

• 1:54:46Mark Normand?

  They love it.

• 1:54:47Sam Morril?

  They're loving this shit.

• 1:54:48Speaker 00

  What were we talking about before this?

• 1:54:50Sam Morril?

  Doing stuff.

• 1:54:51Mark Normand?

  Uh.

• 1:54:51Sam Morril?

  Best hero I ever saw in the black community going into Outside Lands and some, as the crowd was going in, some black guy was just looking at every woman, like, can I get your number? Can I get your number?

• 1:54:59Mark Normand?

  Whoa, it's a numbers game.

• 1:55:00Sam Morril?

  Can I get your number? No fear.

• 1:55:03Mark Normand?

  I used to do that when I was single and I was like a teenager, I'd just go up to random girls.

• 1:55:06Sam Morril?

  Sam. Can I get your number? Numbers game, batting average.

• 1:55:09Mark Normand?

  It worked, cause there's always a woman out there like, I just got divorced, I just got dumped, I need, I need some male attention. Boom, you got the number.

• 1:55:16Sam Morril?

  You got Rob Dier stats. Outside Lands was shit, man.

• 1:55:19Mark Normand?

  What's Outside Lands?

• 1:55:20Sam Morril?

  For a while before, it went kids, but it was fun, it was right there. Music Fest.

• 1:55:24Mark Normand?

  In New York?

• 1:55:24Sam Morril?

  Too, no, it's an SF.

• 1:55:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, I never did that.

• 1:55:27Sam Morril?

  Dude, oh no, I'm thinking of the Governor's Ball, but Outside Lands ruled. Dude, I remember doing a fucking gig there, fucking The Who was playing, it was all.

• 1:55:35Mark Normand?

  What? The Who, what year was this?

• 1:55:37Sam Morril?

  I saw, I saw Paul McCartney there.

• 1:55:40Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:55:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they used to fly us, that was great.

• 1:55:43Sam Morril?

  Paul McCartney.

• 1:55:44Mark Normand?

  All back.

• 1:55:45Speaker 00

  Vampire Weekend's fucking badass.

• 1:55:47Mark Normand?

  That's a great band.

• 1:55:47Speaker 00

  Vampire Weekend, Doji, I fucking love Doji.

• 1:55:51Sam Morril?

  I know Doji.

• 1:55:52Speaker 00

  She would not love you, but.

• 1:55:53Sam Morril?

  She would. Yeah, we used to hook up. Dude, you used to fuck Doji? Twelve years ago.

• 1:55:57Mark Normand?

  Who's Doji?

• 1:55:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, back when she was Doji Kitten.

• 1:56:00Speaker 00

  Doji.

• 1:56:01Mark Normand?

  This is a lady?

• 1:56:02Speaker 00

  By the way, I know this will.

• 1:56:03Sam Morril?

  Oh, that's Doja.

• 1:56:04Mark Normand?

  Pass the Doji to the left hand side.

• 1:56:06Sam Morril?

  Okay, so let's go through the list so far, we got LeAnn Morgan, Sarah Silverman, uh, Doji.

• 1:56:12Speaker 00

  Uh, Janine Grofflo.

• 1:56:13Sam Morril?

  Todd Barry. Hello? Janine Grofflo. Janine Grofflo can get it. Yeah.

• 1:56:18Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:56:19Mark Normand?

  Who?

• 1:56:19Sam Morril?

  Janine. Do you see her sometimes, you get off stage, she's waiting, it's in the dark, like, who the fuck is that?

• 1:56:24Mark Normand?

  Reality bites. Holy hell, look at this lady, wearing underwear.

• 1:56:28Speaker 00

  Doji's letting you know light-skinned chicks aren't in anymore.

• 1:56:32Sam Morril?

  Ooh.

• 1:56:34Mark Normand?

  Blood diamond in the house.

• 1:56:36Speaker 00

  Fucking.

• 1:56:36Sam Morril?

  Big Frieda's playing? By the way, I'm happy that we fucking. Frieda's clean. I was like, Bert Kreischer podcast, over under two hours, we all took the over, I think. Yeah, Matt called, Matt wrote me, he was like, come down here, like, how long have you been going, like, forty-five minutes, we probably got like three more hours.

• 1:56:50Mark Normand?

  Well done, Peter.

• 1:56:51Speaker 00

  This is, ooh.

• 1:56:53Mark Normand?

  She's cool as shit, too.

• 1:56:54Sam Morril?

  She is the coolest.

• 1:56:55Speaker 00

  The fucking baddest bitch in town.

• 1:56:57Mark Normand?

  Defended Louis, by the way.

• 1:56:58Sam Morril?

  Also, she was, dude, she was a real. Really great comic actress, like, Romy Michelle's High School Reunion? Uh huh.

• 1:57:03Speaker 00

  She's amazing.

• 1:57:04Mark Normand?

  Reality bites, food by cats and dogs.

• 1:57:06Speaker 00

  Consciousness standup comedy, fucking brilliant.

• 1:57:09Sam Morril?

  The tats are great.

• 1:57:10Speaker 00

  Her vibe to get it, if you're, if you're a fucking pedestrian, you won't get it. I fucking love Janine Groff.

• 1:57:17Mark Normand?

  Get in there, Bert. Janine's awesome. She's a good egg. She still does sets.

• 1:57:20Speaker 00

  Dochi is like, fucking.

• 1:57:23Sam Morril?

  That'd be a good lesbian couple. Dochi and Janine.

• 1:57:26Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 1:57:26Speaker 00

  I'm trying to invite her family to do my Two Bears podcast. A whole family.

• 1:57:31Sam Morril?

  Do it. Cut a promo. Cut a promo.

• 1:57:32Mark Normand?

  Is she famous? I'm so out of the loop. I'm old.

• 1:57:34Sam Morril?

  I don't, she's huge.

• 1:57:35Mark Normand?

  I don't know anything.

• 1:57:36Sam Morril?

  We don't know who, who is famous.

• 1:57:39Sam Morril?

  We're not good at this.

• 1:57:40Mark Normand?

  I'm out of the loop.

• 1:57:41Sam Morril?

  Matt will send us guests and we're like, we don't know who any of these people are.

• 1:57:43Mark Normand?

  I like Bill Murray.

• 1:57:44Sam Morril?

  DOE.

• 1:57:45Mark Normand?

  I like, uh, you know.

• 1:57:47Speaker 00

  Dochi?

• 1:57:47Sam Morril?

  I wanted Kristen Ritter on the podcast, but I guess she bailed bad. I don't know. I want John Ritter on. Yeah, The Rizler has stood us up twice.

• 1:57:55Mark Normand?

  That's a bad bitch.

• 1:57:56Speaker 00

  Go to her tiny desk. Go to her tiny desk.

• 1:57:57Mark Normand?

  What the hell is this?

• 1:57:58Speaker 00

  Go to her tiny desk. Go to her tiny desk.

• 1:58:02Mark Normand?

  I don't know if we can play any of this.

• 1:58:03Sam Morril?

  She's old school hip hop. She's bringing it back.

• 1:58:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, good. Good for her.

• 1:58:06Speaker 00

  Look at her on this tiny desk.

• 1:58:07Mark Normand?

  I like a tiny desk.

• 1:58:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, go to the, go to the.

• 1:58:11Speaker 00

  Go to where the, the spike is. Right where the spike is.

• 1:58:16Mark Normand?

  Right here. Oh, the spike.

• 1:58:17Sam Morril?

  Bert knows all about the spikes.

• 1:58:19Speaker 00

  Shit. Because I fucking.

• 1:58:20Mark Normand?

  You know how to, you know how to spike a drink.

• 1:58:22Sam Morril?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 1:58:25Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 1:58:28Speaker 00

  Fucking telling you go.

• 1:58:29Mark Normand?

  Great teeth.

• 1:58:29Speaker 00

  Fucking be in a fucking room with her, finishing a glass of wine.

• 1:58:41Mark Normand?

  This is what's great about this pod. I never thought we'd get here.

• 1:58:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:45Mark Normand?

  No one saw this go.

• 1:58:46Sam Morril?

  You never know. Look at those nails. You never know where we're gonna end up, but I kinda love it.

• 1:58:50Speaker 00

  Probably Georgia's age.

• 1:58:51Mark Normand?

  Oh, geez.

• 1:58:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah. How old?

• 1:58:53Mark Normand?

  Now I'm into her.

• 1:58:54Speaker 00

  She's gotta be 22. Yeah.

• 1:58:55Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:58:57Sam Morril?

  If you were, if you were single, what's the youngest you would go sexual? Oh, good question.

• 1:59:00Speaker 00

  34.

• 1:59:02Sam Morril?

  34? I think that's respectable.

• 1:59:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. Actually, and if we're being real.

• 1:59:08Sam Morril?

  12.

• 1:59:08Speaker 00

  I just fucking, you know, I clean up fucking geriatric.

• 1:59:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, I agree.

• 1:59:14Speaker 00

  I clean up fucking perimenopausal. I'd fucking slay a bunch of bitches that sweat at night.

• 1:59:20Mark Normand?

  Who's perimenopausal? I don't know her.

• 1:59:23Sam Morril?

  A different rapper.

• 1:59:23Mark Normand?

  Ah, okay. But wait a minute.

• 1:59:26Sam Morril?

  The Apostle is a great rapper name.

• 1:59:27Mark Normand?

  Cher is banging like a nine year old. Who Cher? Like, that's what we always go, oh, men are creeps.

• 1:59:32Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's double standard.

• 1:59:33Mark Normand?

  These women, they get power. They fuck down food. Madonna?

• 1:59:36Speaker 00

  I don't want to date a chick who doesn't know Fletch. So like, I need-

• 1:59:41Sam Morril?

  Thirty-four does not know Fletch.

• 1:59:42Speaker 00

  I need you to know who I'm, what I'm talking about.

• 1:59:45Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:59:46Speaker 00

  Like, I can't play a song and you go, who's this? And I go, uh-

• 1:59:49Sam Morril?

  Dude, thirty-four might not know Billy Madison. You're like, you might- Thirty-four doesn't know Fletch. Fletch, I was a kid, kid. You might be in trouble.

• 1:59:56Speaker 00

  I do with Peter. I test date Peter. Peter, how do you?

• 1:59:59Mark Normand?

  Peters.

• 2:00:00Speaker 00

  Twenty-eight? And Peter, like, will be like, God, I don't know who that is.

• 2:00:03Mark Normand?

  You're twenty-eight? You don't know Fletch?

• 2:00:07Mark Normand?

  Who is in it?

• 2:00:07Speaker 00

  He only knows it because of me.

• 2:00:09Mark Normand?

  Ah, here we go.

• 2:00:10Speaker 00

  He only knows it because of me.

• 2:00:12Mark Normand?

  All right, all right.

• 2:00:13Speaker 00

  I want to have, the thing about love.

• 2:00:17Speaker 00

  And I'm, I'm being so real.

• 2:00:18Sam Morril?

  I don't know where this came from, but I'm fucking loving it. I'm loving it.

• 2:00:21Speaker 00

  The thing about love-

• 2:00:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:22Speaker 00

  I'm being so real right now, and I hope this gets clipped out and shared with everyone.

• 2:00:27Mark Normand?

  Jack, shipper.

• 2:00:27Sam Morril?

  Get ready. Clip it, send it, post it.

• 2:00:30Speaker 00

  Is a a shared moment that you both get. Can I, for me and Leanne, you know what it is? Googly, googly, everyone gonna get it? Let's move on. Right?

• 2:00:42Sam Morril?

  You get that? No, I don't know what's happening.

• 2:00:44Mark Normand?

  Googly, googly.

• 2:00:45Sam Morril?

  Adam Sandler.

• 2:00:45Speaker 00

  Okay, okay.

• 2:00:46Mark Normand?

  You know it?

• 2:00:46Sam Morril?

  Adam Sandler.

• 2:00:47Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 2:00:48Sam Morril?

  Damn, it was a real shot in the dark ass.

• 2:00:50Speaker 00

  I'm gonna give you another one.

• 2:00:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:51Speaker 00

  Ignore that. Edit that out.

• 2:00:53Mark Normand?

  Keep it in.

• 2:00:54Sam Morril?

  Triple it up.

• 2:00:54Speaker 00

  Me and Leanne, me and Leanne, ready?

• 2:00:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:58Speaker 00

  The thing about love is you want a shared moment that you both have, that you both get.

• 2:01:03Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:01:03Speaker 00

  Leanne says to me, I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud on-

• 2:01:07Mark Normand?

  Only wetter.

• 2:01:08Sam Morril?

  Yep. David Tell. Phantom, Phantom Menace.

• 2:01:10Mark Normand?

  Skank for the memories.

• 2:01:11Speaker 00

  That I gotta teach that to.

• 2:01:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's most women.

• 2:01:15Speaker 00

  I don't want to do the work. I don't do the work that you, I gotta teach you how to be a grown up where you get Dave Attell.

• 2:01:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:23Speaker 00

  And, and so I, I, I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud only wetter. You finished my statement, Mark.

• 2:01:29Mark Normand?

  I know it well.

• 2:01:30Speaker 00

  That is what love is. Love is, is getting your same thing together where you guys just get it.

• 2:01:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Cultural references help.

• 2:01:40Speaker 00

  Thirty year old who doesn't get it.

• 2:01:42Sam Morril?

  But that's why being the similar age does help. It's shared experience too. You talk about something, then all of a sudden you just look like, huh?

• 2:01:48Mark Normand?

  But Leonardo DiCaprio was fucked.

• 2:01:50Speaker 00

  Georgia and.

• 2:01:51Sam Morril?

  How about Al Pacino?

• 2:01:52Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 2:01:53Sam Morril?

  He's like, he's like, these are my movies. She's like, I wasn't born.

• 2:01:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I don't even know who you are.

• 2:01:58Sam Morril?

  He's having kids older than the mom.

• 2:01:59Speaker 00

  I'm gonna tell you a secret type of story. The girls, the, and this is why I love my kids. The girls, uh, I have a bunch of friends over and they put on Matt Rife, his new special is coming out.

• 2:02:10Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 2:02:11Speaker 00

  And they're, they like it, it's okay. But then Georgia and I'll go, you want to see something really funny? And they put on Shane Gillis.

• 2:02:17Mark Normand?

  Whoa, really?

• 2:02:18Speaker 00

  That's love, right? When, when, when Georgia goes, huh, you know, like with a little chicanism? Yeah, like, eh, like, that's what fucking love is, is when you all get the same joke. And I can't do that with a fucking twenty three.

• 2:02:31Mark Normand?

  No.

• 2:02:31Speaker 00

  Only fucker from behind. And I'll, I will do that.

• 2:02:35Mark Normand?

  But when you fucker from behind.

• 2:02:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, pull up fucking celebrities who fuck young kids.

• 2:02:40Sam Morril?

  I want to see Bert Kreischer's dirtbag era though, where he's just banging chicks in behind with AirPods in. In his sliding glass doors where Leanne's gone.

• 2:02:47Speaker 00

  I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud only wetter.

• 2:02:49Mark Normand?

  At least put an iPad in front of her face and just show her like Chris Rock bring the pain.

• 2:02:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd only slam old chicks.

• 2:02:56Mark Normand?

  Old chicks are fun.

• 2:02:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:02:58Sam Morril?

  Old chicks, no. I like old chicks. And if they're old enough, you can blast in them.

• 2:03:02Speaker 00

  Old school boobs are fucking sexy as fuck.

• 2:03:04Sam Morril?

  Disgusting, way wrong.

• 2:03:06Speaker 00

  If I, you're wrong, you're wrong.

• 2:03:08Sam Morril?

  Old school boobs are knee boobs.

• 2:03:10Speaker 00

  Nope. You ready? Ready? Old school boobs are fucking seventies boobs.

• 2:03:14Sam Morril?

  Seventies.

• 2:03:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:03:15Sam Morril?

  No, old school boobs in the seventies.

• 2:03:17Speaker 00

  Take a look at seventy.

• 2:03:17Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 2:03:18Speaker 00

  Seventy boobs fucking rock.

• 2:03:20Mark Normand?

  That's a great utter right there.

• 2:03:21Sam Morril?

  By the way, is this the next presidential debate? We'll see. Which tits do you guys want?

• 2:03:27Speaker 00

  Like what, what, what, what, what genre of porn age wise do you think is the best?

• 2:03:31Sam Morril?

  I'd probably go MILF.

• 2:03:33Speaker 00

  No, no, no, I meant like.

• 2:03:35Sam Morril?

  I think it's eighties where you get the triangle because they can't sunbathe outside. So you get the triangle.

• 2:03:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, the tan line.

• 2:03:40Speaker 00

  A sun fucking burnt tit.

• 2:03:43Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:03:44Speaker 00

  Is so fucking hot.

• 2:03:45Mark Normand?

  And this is all real, by the way. There's no plastic surgery. There's no implants. There's no lip injections. No botox. This is the real deal. Look at.

• 2:03:52Speaker 00

  Those are liant tits.

• 2:03:53Sam Morril?

  You ever see, you ever see Holtzman's bit, Holtzman's bit about Charlie's Angels when the movie came out? It goes, I don't like this movie, Charlie's Angels, because it gives women the frost impression that they can defend themselves. I am a 240 pound former crack addict. I will murder you.

• 2:04:07Speaker 00

  These boobs were the best boobs. Just type in seventies boobs.

• 2:04:12Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 2:04:12Speaker 00

  Seventies boobs were the best boobs. You guys weren't born yet, but like I was in the eighties. I was like 12.

• 2:04:17Sam Morril?

  Maybe not.

• 2:04:18Speaker 00

  No, you guys were 82.

• 2:04:19Sam Morril?

  I was breastfed in some seventies boobs. They were pretty good.

• 2:04:21Mark Normand?

  Eighty three.

• 2:04:22Speaker 00

  Eighties boobs, seventies boobs were the.

• 2:04:24Sam Morril?

  Damn, look at that lady.

• 2:04:25Mark Normand?

  I mean, uh, what's her face?

• 2:04:26Sam Morril?

  That is.

• 2:04:27Mark Normand?

  What's her name?

• 2:04:28Sam Morril?

  Machete landing?

• 2:04:29Mark Normand?

  The chick from True Lies.

• 2:04:30Sam Morril?

  Jamie Lee Curtis.

• 2:04:31Mark Normand?

  Jamie Lee Curtis. What a body. What a body.

• 2:04:34Speaker 00

  The fuck up. Those are the best boobs you've ever seen in your entire life.

• 2:04:36Mark Normand?

  That's a wide.

• 2:04:37Sam Morril?

  Those are weird. Those look AI. That looks like one tit.

• 2:04:41Mark Normand?

  Damn, those are huge. Who is this broad?

• 2:04:44Sam Morril?

  I'm not loving these.

• 2:04:45Mark Normand?

  Who is it?

• 2:04:46Speaker 00

  Are you serious?

• 2:04:46Mark Normand?

  Oh. Oh.

• 2:04:48Sam Morril?

  Zalich, what are you doing?

• 2:04:49Speaker 00

  All right, all right, all right.

• 2:04:50Mark Normand?

  I'm taking orders here.

• 2:04:51Speaker 00

  Pivot, pivot.

• 2:04:52Mark Normand?

  Click on that one right there. You're on. No.

• 2:04:54Speaker 00

  Type in small seventies boobs.

• 2:04:57Sam Morril?

  Ooh, now I'm.

• 2:04:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, here we go. Oh, God.

• 2:05:01Sam Morril?

  Pete's not.

• 2:05:02Mark Normand?

  All right, Jesus.

• 2:05:04Speaker 00

  Mark, edit that out. I can't let her hear him say that.

• 2:05:08Mark Normand?

  All right. She's a good egg.

• 2:05:09Sam Morril?

  Small seventies boobs.

• 2:05:11Mark Normand?

  By the way, Macron might be the king of the, the MILF fucker.

• 2:05:14Sam Morril?

  Ooh.

• 2:05:15Mark Normand?

  He's ba, he's banging a lady.

• 2:05:17Sam Morril?

  His teacher.

• 2:05:17Mark Normand?

  His teacher, who's 35 years older than him.

• 2:05:20Sam Morril?

  And he, and he.

• 2:05:20Mark Normand?

  And he married her.

• 2:05:21Sam Morril?

  Emmanuel Macron, the French.

• 2:05:23Mark Normand?

  The French prime minister, or whatever you call it. He's banging his teacher. He was friends with his, friends with her daughter. He went to class with her.

• 2:05:31Sam Morril?

  He literally lived the graduate.

• 2:05:33Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:05:34Sam Morril?

  She's holding it together. Which by the way, fucking great movie. Great movie, great ending.

• 2:05:39Mark Normand?

  Uh, what's the guy's name? Mike Phillips? No.

• 2:05:41Sam Morril?

  If they're holding it together?

• 2:05:42Mark Normand?

  Uh, Nichols.

• 2:05:43Sam Morril?

  Like Demi Moore, she's still got it. She can still get it. Janine Garofalo can still get it. Oh, you would fuck Demi Moore, one of the hottest women ever? I love it. I love Ari saying it like it's charity. I guess I could fuck Demi Moore.

• 2:05:56Speaker 00

  Sam, hold on.

• 2:05:56Sam Morril?

  You know what? I'll change my opinion. I won't.

• 2:05:58Speaker 00

  Another drink, right?

• 2:05:59Sam Morril?

  I'll do one more.

• 2:06:00Mark Normand?

  We're hanging, we're hanging.

• 2:06:01Speaker 00

  I'm gonna piss. Hold on. You drunk is the best thing in the world.

• 2:06:05Sam Morril?

  Oh, I'm a, I'm a good drunk.

• 2:06:06Mark Normand?

  You drunk is a good time.

• 2:06:07Speaker 00

  You drunk.

• 2:06:09Sam Morril?

  I'm a fun drunk. Let me explain. When I got to New York, what turned me on alcohol, and specifically Bullet Bourbon or Bullet Rye on the Rocks, was you, Mackie, Norman, Liz not doing shit.

• 2:06:19Speaker 00

  Wait, Mackie?

• 2:06:20Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:06:21Mark Normand?

  He could, he could.

• 2:06:22Sam Morril?

  Hanley, Michelle Wolf, and it was just such a fucking brew.

• 2:06:26Mark Normand?

  Wolf is the biggest. Oh, my god.

• 2:06:28Sam Morril?

  You show up, I'm just gonna do a spot and leave. You see everybody with that fucking small, small ice, and you're like, I'll be here for four hours, let's do it.

• 2:06:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, Wolf can let up. Booze.

• 2:06:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:06:37Speaker 00

  Wolf boozes?

• 2:06:38Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 2:06:38Sam Morril?

  What?

• 2:06:39Speaker 00

  I only talk to her about running.

• 2:06:41Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 2:06:41Sam Morril?

  No, you're wasting it.

• 2:06:42Mark Normand?

  Now, it's, it's.

• 2:06:43Sam Morril?

  She's a, she's a spritz queen. Michelle, I mean, we've wanted Michelle in here forever. She's never here, but she's, she is, she said she'd come on.

• 2:06:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she'll come on.

• 2:06:52Sam Morril?

  We've always wanted her on here.

• 2:06:53Speaker 00

  She's still in Madrid.

• 2:06:54Mark Normand?

  Uh, yeah.

• 2:06:55Sam Morril?

  That is part of the problem. Yeah, it's a long flight.

• 2:06:58Mark Normand?

  I went and hung out with her in Madrid. She's got her own club there. It's incredible.

• 2:07:01Sam Morril?

  She wants to come on though, she said. That'd be, that'd be fun. Just, I haven't seen her for, I haven't. A lit up Michelle is gonna have to be so heavily edited. All the time.

• 2:07:08Speaker 00

  You know what's so great about Michelle?

• 2:07:10Sam Morril?

  What?

• 2:07:11Speaker 00

  She's a shit dog.

• 2:07:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 2:07:14Mark Normand?

  She keeps it real.

• 2:07:15Speaker 00

  I'll tell you, okay, ready? Best gossip in comedy.

• 2:07:19Sam Morril?

  Who is interesting. Yeah, these guys? We're fun.

• 2:07:25Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:07:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:07:26Speaker 00

  No, I, I have my answer.

• 2:07:27Mark Normand?

  Please.

• 2:07:28Sam Morril?

  You're up, you're up there?

• 2:07:29Speaker 00

  I'm.

• 2:07:31Sam Morril?

  Listen, we're talking about in the discussion first. Are you making this another?

• 2:07:34Speaker 00

  Number one, number one, number one.

• 2:07:36Sam Morril?

  Thank you, Matt.

• 2:07:37Speaker 00

  Tim Dillon.

• 2:07:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Tim's-

• 2:07:39Mark Normand?

  Tim can talk. We can talk about anything.

• 2:07:41Speaker 00

  He's the best gossip.

• 2:07:42Sam Morril?

  And Tim's just, he just makes you feel like you're a part of something, like he's fun.

• 2:07:47Speaker 00

  Let me tell you something.

• 2:07:49Sam Morril?

  Tim is-

• 2:07:50Speaker 00

  Bobby Kelly's not a bad gossip.

• 2:07:51Sam Morril?

  Bobby Kelly's-

• 2:07:52Mark Normand?

  He's out of, he's out of picture.

• 2:07:53Sam Morril?

  I miss Tim Dillon. I feel like we don't see him enough at all.

• 2:07:56Mark Normand?

  Tim comes in every now and then. I go, "Hey, Tim, you wanna do the pod?" He goes, "Hi, I got things to do."

• 2:08:01Sam Morril?

  Tim's the king of like, "I'll do it." And then you get to where you're like, "Oh shit, missed my flight, not coming."

• 2:08:05Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 2:08:07Sam Morril?

  Already won-

• 2:08:08Speaker 00

  Booking for a cruise.

• 2:08:10Mark Normand?

  That's a lot of work.

• 2:08:11Sam Morril?

  But that's what we are with everything. We want to do everything, and then you ask us and we're like, "I'm hungover."

• 2:08:16Mark Normand?

  But you get Tim in a green room and it just elevates, you don't even want to go on stage. You're like, "Oh, this is good. This is better."

• 2:08:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:08:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Schumer in her prime was a great trash talker.

• 2:08:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:08:27Speaker 00

  Intervention with her.

• 2:08:29Sam Morril?

  Say, "Come back to trash talk."

• 2:08:30Speaker 00

  And just go like-

• 2:08:31Mark Normand?

  You could do it. You could do it.

• 2:08:32Speaker 00

  We're gonna pull you away. We're gonna take you to upstate New York, and we're gonna turn you back into a-

• 2:08:37Sam Morril?

  What is she, a dog with an illness?

• 2:08:40Speaker 00

  Yo, we gotta stop talking about politics. You gotta stop talking about fucking-

• 2:08:44Mark Normand?

  Every comic gotta stop.

• 2:08:45Speaker 00

  And we love you to death.

• 2:08:46Sam Morril?

  No more prayer sessions.

• 2:08:47Speaker 00

  And she was. This is what sucks about Schumer, is that like, everyone forgets, she was a fucking great hang.

• 2:08:55Sam Morril?

  Great hang. We did that, whatever that big festival thing was.

• 2:08:58Speaker 00

  Adam Richman.

• 2:08:59Sam Morril?

  Oh, what?

• 2:09:00Speaker 00

  Adam Richman.

• 2:09:00Sam Morril?

  Put him on speaker, speaker.

• 2:09:02Speaker 00

  Adam.

• 2:09:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 2:09:04Speaker 00

  Now, I'm sitting here with Mark Norman, Sam Rell, and Ari Shaffir.

• 2:09:08Mark Normand?

  He doesn't know who we are.

• 2:09:09Sam Morril?

  He doesn't know who we are, but it's nice to see you, Adam.

• 2:09:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, great hat. I'm gonna turn you around, and I know your position on this. I'm defending the opposite, but I know your position on this.

• 2:09:19Mark Normand?

  Pull up some celebrity dicks.

• 2:09:20Speaker 00

  How do you feel, how do you feel about when people videotape you and they do it on the sly?

• 2:09:26Mark Normand?

  On a podcast randomly.

• 2:09:28Sam Morril?

  Without being asked.

• 2:09:29Speaker 05

  Well, it's different on a podcast randomly. It's like, fair game, I guess. Right? But like, generally speaking, like, I think I'm always like, pretty approachable for like, photos and videos. Just come ask me.

• 2:09:40Sam Morril?

  Just come ask me!

• 2:09:41Speaker 00

  Just come ask-

• 2:09:41Sam Morril?

  Just come ask me! That's what I said. I said, "Ask."

• 2:09:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:09:45Mark Normand?

  Consent.

• 2:09:45Sam Morril?

  Adam, Adam, can I ask you a question? Cause you're like a food guy. What, what, best pizza in, in America? What do you think?

• 2:09:54Speaker 05

  Oh man, I mean, I'm gonna say, I'll just say New York, like, just flat because there's so many different styles.

• 2:10:00Mark Normand?

  I mean, like, a spot, I meant.

• 2:10:02Speaker 00

  Where's your favorite place in New York?

• 2:10:03Speaker 05

  A specific spot?

• 2:10:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:10:05Speaker 05

  Too many, too, too damn many. Like, right now, I just moved to the Bronx, so I'm loving

• 2:10:10Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 2:10:11Speaker 05

  The Bronx. I love, I love Lindisfree, I love Best Pizza, Pizza Nabeletana.

• 2:10:18Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 2:10:19Speaker 05

  A sick spot by the Metro North Station called, um, Pizzeria Casa de Focaccia.

• 2:10:24Speaker 00

  Damn, that's kinda...

• 2:10:24Mark Normand?

  Alright, alright, best pussy in America.

• 2:10:27Speaker 00

  He's gonna say Asian.

• 2:10:29Speaker 05

  John's a... Go fuck yourself first.

• 2:10:33Speaker 00

  Let me tell you something. Man, I, I always say this, you are underrepresented with how smart you are. Can we do a game real quick?

• 2:10:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, jeez.

• 2:10:41Speaker 00

  This is my favorite thing in the world. Ready?

• 2:10:43Speaker 05

  Say hi to my friend Chris, by the way.

• 2:10:45Mark Normand?

  Hey, Chris.

• 2:10:47Speaker 00

  What's up?

• 2:10:49Speaker 00

  Watch this.

• 2:10:50Mark Normand?

  We've been drinking.

• 2:10:51Speaker 00

  Crazy smart?

• 2:10:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:10:52Speaker 00

  Hey, Adam, can you give me an intro to Man vs. Food for Columbus, Ohio?

• 2:10:57Speaker 05

  We did Columbus last time with Tommy. You wanna pick another city, man?

• 2:11:00Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 2:11:01Sam Morril?

  I'll be in Columbus.

• 2:11:02Speaker 00

  Wow, that is fun.

• 2:11:03Mark Normand?

  Recall.

• 2:11:04Speaker 00

  Uh, uh, was it, you give me a city. I don't know a city.

• 2:11:07Sam Morril?

  Spokane.

• 2:11:08Mark Normand?

  Dallas.

• 2:11:09Speaker 05

  I need to have the guys pick any Man vs. Food that they've seen. I hate the intro.

• 2:11:13Sam Morril?

  Seattle.

• 2:11:14Speaker 00

  Seattle?

• 2:11:16Speaker 05

  Okay, uh, let me just remember what the challenge was. Got it. Okay, so I went to Broken Yoke, Red Mill.

• 2:11:22Mark Normand?

  Broken Yoke.

• 2:11:23Speaker 05

  What was the other burger? I did Red Mill, Broken Yoke.

• 2:11:26Mark Normand?

  Damn!

• 2:11:26Speaker 05

  I can't remember the others.

• 2:11:28Mark Normand?

  You go to Chez?

• 2:11:28Speaker 05

  Food I had in Seattle. Oh, yeah, I got it, got it.

• 2:11:31Sam Morril?

  Watch this, okay?

• 2:11:33Speaker 05

  I'm here in Seattle, Washington, the jewel of Pacific Southwest, right here on Puget Sound, famed for its unbelievable music scene, its architecture, vibrant sports culture, and of course, its seafood. That's the first thing I'm going to dig into, but while I'm here, I can't miss some of the best burgers, voted second in the country at Red Mill

• 2:11:54Mark Normand?

  Wow!

• 2:11:55Speaker 05

  And it all leads up to the Broken Yoke Challenge.

• 2:11:58Mark Normand?

  I didn't know he was autistic.

• 2:11:59Speaker 05

  Plum egg challenge, full with hash browns, sauces, peppers.

• 2:12:02Sam Morril?

  You're gonna be fine with dementia.

• 2:12:03Speaker 05

  I get a picture on the...

• 2:12:05Speaker 00

  He's, dude, you are blowing their fucking mind, Adam!

• 2:12:08Mark Normand?

  That was incredible.

• 2:12:10Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 2:12:11Speaker 05

  Broken yolk challenge, 12 eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage, all served on a massive platter within the time limit, then I get to Seattle food immortality, a picture on the wall of fame, and yes indeed, though the kitchen may be grunge, today it's all about rock and roll.

• 2:12:30Mark Normand?

  Whoa, what a pro.

• 2:12:31Sam Morril?

  Wow. Adam.

• 2:12:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:12:34Speaker 00

  I love you to death, man.

• 2:12:35Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 2:12:36Speaker 05

  Tell these guys, will you tell Burt to return my calls and texts?

• 2:12:40Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 2:12:41Sam Morril?

  Oh, wow.

• 2:12:43Mark Normand?

  He only calls me when he's drunk.

• 2:12:46Sam Morril?

  He's one of us.

• 2:12:47Speaker 00

  I love you, I love you, I'll call you tomorrow.

• 2:12:50Mark Normand?

  Don't kill yourself.

• 2:12:52Sam Morril?

  We gotta wrap this up, we're going to a game.

• 2:12:54Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, broken yolk, good abortion title.

• 2:12:56Sam Morril?

  That's crazy.

• 2:12:58Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 2:12:59Speaker 00

  He can do that, we got drunk one night in, uh...

• 2:13:02Sam Morril?

  Story tracks?

• 2:13:03Speaker 00

  In Arizona, and I kept going, I was just naming cities, and he'd do the read, he'd do the read, I can kinda do them, but I fuck it up, cuz I can remember the challenge and you know the read.

• 2:13:14Sam Morril?

  The read, though.

• 2:13:15Speaker 00

  He's fucking, the read.

• 2:13:16Sam Morril?

  Crazy, he knows all that.

• 2:13:17Speaker 00

  I'm here in Las Vegas, Nevada, and I'm ready to take on the final foursome challenge. Like, it's kinda crazy.

• 2:13:23Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 2:13:24Speaker 00

  He's intense.

• 2:13:25Mark Normand?

  He's a, he's a pro, I could feel like we could do that with the city, but to do it like that, we, hey, Seattle, go to this bar, that.

• 2:13:31Sam Morril?

  And the way he says it, too.

• 2:13:33Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 2:13:34Sam Morril?

  Full promo.

• 2:13:35Mark Normand?

  Sounds like a TV show.

• 2:13:36Speaker 00

  Bro, he's like, he's like a pro wrestler.

• 2:13:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:13:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's good.

• 2:13:39Speaker 00

  What time you gotta go to the game?

• 2:13:41Mark Normand?

  Lives in the Bronx.

• 2:13:42Sam Morril?

  We're leaving in a few, we gotta plug some dates, Burt, where you gonna be, man? Are you back?

• 2:13:46Speaker 00

  Permission to Party World Tour.

• 2:13:47Mark Normand?

  Check out Lucky on Netflix.

• 2:13:48Speaker 00

  Check out Lucky on...

• 2:13:49Sam Morril?

  Lucky on Netflix, right now.

• 2:13:51Speaker 00

  Two Bears 5K is, uh, May 4th.

• 2:13:53Mark Normand?

  Burt Cast.

• 2:13:54Speaker 00

  Me, Jelly Roll, and Tom.

• 2:13:56Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 2:13:57Mark Normand?

  Oh geez, he's gonna die out there.

• 2:13:59Sam Morril?

  It's a lot of jiggle.

• 2:14:00Speaker 00

  It's a lot, it's a lot of jiggle. A ton of jiggle.

• 2:14:05Sam Morril?

  Jiggle in for 4.96.

• 2:14:07Speaker 00

  Mostly jiggle.

• 2:14:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:09Speaker 00

  Why don't you guys, uh, sock it up and come down?

• 2:14:10Sam Morril?

  To what? Tampa? No, when is it, though, I mean, when is it, I know, I heard you. May 4th, you would've got me in March.

• 2:14:17Speaker 00

  Sam, I have not, I have not...

• 2:14:18Sam Morril?

  Hate to miss spring in New York.

• 2:14:20Speaker 00

  I have not partied with enough, and I miss you, man.

• 2:14:22Sam Morril?

  I miss you, dude, fucking call me.

• 2:14:25Speaker 00

  When you laugh, like, cuz Mark, Mark Norman's a little bit of a cunt, like, where he goes, like, he does these, he does these, if you notice, he goes, like...

• 2:14:34Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:14:35Speaker 00

  Like, Mark never gets fucking lit.

• 2:14:37Mark Normand?

  I'm pretty, I'm pretty sloppy right now.

• 2:14:39Speaker 00

  Let's go on a drink right now.

• 2:14:41Mark Normand?

  Well, I gotta.

• 2:14:41Sam Morril?

  Kill it.

• 2:14:42Speaker 00

  No, Mark, Mark.

• 2:14:43Mark Normand?

  I'm gonna puke on the floor.

• 2:14:44Speaker 00

  Pete, do you see what a bitch does?

• 2:14:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:46Mark Normand?

  I'm already there.

• 2:14:47Speaker 00

  Hang on, let's all take it. What are you doing?

• 2:14:50Sam Morril?

  Are we chugging it?

• 2:14:51Speaker 00

  Let's chug them.

• 2:14:51Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy. That's a lot of cranberry.

• 2:14:53Sam Morril?

  We're pigs.

• 2:14:55Mark Normand?

  Ah, Ari.

• 2:14:56Speaker 00

  Ari's special.

• 2:14:58Sam Morril?

  On Netflix.

• 2:14:59Speaker 00

  Is on Netflix. It's called Jew.

• 2:15:01Sam Morril?

  America's Sweetheart.

• 2:15:02Speaker 00

  America's Sweetheart.

• 2:15:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:15:03Speaker 00

  You can see him all there.

• 2:15:04Sam Morril?

  I thought we were chugging this.

• 2:15:05Speaker 00

  I'm over on Lucky.

• 2:15:08Mark Normand?

  Check out his, uh, new tour schedule.

• 2:15:13Speaker 00

  Without permission to party, I will not be going to Dubai.

• 2:15:16Mark Normand?

  Why not?

• 2:15:17Speaker 00

  Say, I can't take my shirt off and I can't party. So it's like.

• 2:15:19Sam Morril?

  You can't take your shirt off? Oh, because they think you got tits. Oh. He also can't drive, always.

• 2:15:24Mark Normand?

  He's gonna wear a burka, burka.

• 2:15:26Speaker 00

  I was like, wait, so I'm just going over to hit a chick? Like, that's it?

• 2:15:29Mark Normand?

  That's illegal. That's legal.

• 2:15:30Speaker 00

  You can hit a chick there.

• 2:15:32Sam Morril?

  Mark, you gotta catch up, man.

• 2:15:34Speaker 00

  That's definitely not my watch.

• 2:15:34Sam Morril?

  You gotta chug it, dude.

• 2:15:36Speaker 00

  Mark, Mark, Mark.

• 2:15:36Mark Normand?

  Chug alarm.

• 2:15:37Speaker 00

  Stop being a bitch. This one kills me about you. Stop.

• 2:15:42Speaker 00

  Do it. Do it. Mark, do it.

• 2:15:43Sam Morril?

  Do.

• 2:15:44Speaker 00

  Stop, Mark. You're not drinking.

• 2:15:45Sam Morril?

  Chug.

• 2:15:46Speaker 00

  Mark, chug, chug, chug. Yes.

• 2:15:49Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 2:15:51Speaker 00

  That's.

• 2:15:51Sam Morril?

  Normo.

• 2:15:52Speaker 00

  Sneaky. You gotta keep eyes on him.

• 2:15:56Sam Morril?

  He's Normanizing his behavior. He's sneaky because he's not enough of an alcoholic.

• 2:16:01Speaker 00

  First of all.

• 2:16:01Sam Morril?

  Mark, you're samey.

• 2:16:02Speaker 00

  You're the same as me. He's the same as me, and he can't admit it.

• 2:16:06Mark Normand?

  What do you mean?

• 2:16:07Speaker 00

  But Mark's better than all of us.

• 2:16:07Sam Morril?

  I'm the same as you.

• 2:16:08Speaker 00

  You're the same as me. You drink as much as I do.

• 2:16:10Sam Morril?

  Of course. No.

• 2:16:11Mark Normand?

  No.

• 2:16:12Sam Morril?

  I get as drunk as you do, but I don't drink the same. No one drinks.

• 2:16:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:16:16Sam Morril?

  But we have, I'll get a little up.

• 2:16:17Mark Normand?

  We got sloppy that one night with Sal. Hold.

• 2:16:20Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 2:16:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, did we get sloppy? Yeah. We took photos on the street.

• 2:16:23Sam Morril?

  We got our new Rogan suits and he goes, let's break them in.

• 2:16:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:16:26Sam Morril?

  I'll clean it up.

• 2:16:26Speaker 00

  Rogan suits.

• 2:16:27Mark Normand?

  He sent us suits for free with like, top-notch tailoring. It was unbelievable.

• 2:16:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Rogan's like, you want a suit? And we're like, okay.

• 2:16:33Mark Normand?

  I'll send you the photo. We'll plug it in here.

• 2:16:34Sam Morril?

  And then we come in, he goes, here's four of them. I'm like, shit, dude, I live in a New York apartment. I don't room for four suits.

• 2:16:40Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 2:16:40Speaker 00

  Rogan sent you four suits?

• 2:16:41Mark Normand?

  Cut to me and him at a bar, like, we gotta wear our suits. Let's go out drinking. Wear our suits. So we put the suits on. His is like, he looks like Matthew Lesko, you know, like, hey, pull him up.

• 2:16:50Speaker 00

  All I got is this watch.

• 2:16:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:16:53Sam Morril?

  From Rogan?

• 2:16:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:16:53Sam Morril?

  I don't wear a watch, but I wear a suit.

• 2:16:56Mark Normand?

  But we got four suits, we we put them on, we got shitfaced with Sal.

• 2:16:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Sal showed up.

• 2:17:02Mark Normand?

  And there's a shot of me on a on a fucking mailbox.

• 2:17:05Sam Morril?

  On a mailbox, sitting down in the street.

• 2:17:07Mark Normand?

  And it's like four in the morning.

• 2:17:08Sam Morril?

  New York at night is the best photography you can do, and let's go.

• 2:17:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:17:14Mark Normand?

  Good times.

• 2:17:15Speaker 00

  Wait, why are we ending this?

• 2:17:16Sam Morril?

  Cause we gotta go to a game.

• 2:17:18Mark Normand?

  Well, what's it, seven o'clock?

• 2:17:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we got, we gotta meet him.

• 2:17:21Mark Normand?

  We got a minute.

• 2:17:21Sam Morril?

  We go to the table we're going with.

• 2:17:23Speaker 00

  Let's do one more drink.

• 2:17:23Sam Morril?

  Jerry?

• 2:17:24Speaker 00

  Let's do one more.

• 2:17:24Sam Morril?

  One more, one more bottle.

• 2:17:25Speaker 00

  Jerry Seinfeld?

• 2:17:26Mark Normand?

  No.

• 2:17:27Sam Morril?

  Jerry Seinfeld and Tracy Morgan. Who are you going with?

• 2:17:30Speaker 00

  Who are you going with?

• 2:17:31Mark Normand?

  Bill Cosby and Chris D'Elia.

• 2:17:32Sam Morril?

  It's a seven thirty game.

• 2:17:33Speaker 00

  Hamilton?

• 2:17:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:17:34Speaker 00

  I love that guy.

• 2:17:34Mark Normand?

  Great guy.

• 2:17:35Sam Morril?

  Best hair in comedy.

• 2:17:36Mark Normand?

  Was it Ali Siddique?

• 2:17:38Speaker 00

  That, you look dark there, Mark.

• 2:17:43Sam Morril?

  Let's do another drink. I think we all do one more big drink.

• 2:17:45Speaker 00

  Did you win Scipella ever get over your beef?

• 2:17:47Mark Normand?

  What?

• 2:17:48Sam Morril?

  Beef.

• 2:17:48Speaker 00

  Never mind, drop it, drop it, drop it.

• 2:17:50Sam Morril?

  That wasn't you.

• 2:17:50Mark Normand?

  He texts all the time.

• 2:17:51Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I just drop it.

• 2:17:53Sam Morril?

  No, it was different.

• 2:17:54Speaker 00

  No, I'm just creating internet.

• 2:17:57Mark Normand?

  He texts me a few times, we had a good, we had a good text.

• 2:18:00Speaker 00

  Isn't that crazy?

• 2:18:01Sam Morril?

  That's so good.

• 2:18:01Speaker 00

  That's so good.

• 2:18:02Sam Morril?

  What a good prank.

• 2:18:03Mark Normand?

  He keeps trying to get me to come to Ohio.

• 2:18:04Sam Morril?

  Oh, just go, actually, I can't talk about this.

• 2:18:06Speaker 00

  I can't talk.

• 2:18:09Mark Normand?

  We're out of pour of good. Let's get the good stuff in.

• 2:18:11Speaker 00

  Let's try some of this Bodega Cat.

• 2:18:14Mark Normand?

  Well, we can't switch liquors.

• 2:18:16Sam Morril?

  Let's switch the pour flavor.

• 2:18:17Speaker 00

  What are we, fucking kids? Yeah, beer before liquor never been.

• 2:18:21Sam Morril?

  Mark, those rules don't apply.

• 2:18:22Speaker 00

  Beer before queer, you're whatever.

• 2:18:26Sam Morril?

  Beer before queer?

• 2:18:27Speaker 00

  Yo, you might have.

• 2:18:28Sam Morril?

  Beer before queer, you're Arshapier.

• 2:18:29Speaker 00

  Sam, you might have the best laugh. Cause your laugh, you show your, all your molars, he goes, ha ha.

• 2:18:37Speaker 00

  I can't show my molars, cause they're all yellow.

• 2:18:38Sam Morril?

  Bodega, this is a Bodega Cat Purosas collab drunk episode.

• 2:18:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:18:43Sam Morril?

  Let's do mixes. Let's do a little mixie.

• 2:18:45Speaker 00

  Fucking bottle.

• 2:18:46Sam Morril?

  We killed a whole bottle?

• 2:18:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love that.

• 2:18:48Sam Morril?

  Hold on, I'll do a mixture. What's left in there? Is there anything left in there? I'll do a mixture of Purosas. Did we kill a whole fucking bottle?

• 2:18:53Speaker 00

  It's gone.

• 2:18:53Mark Normand?

  Holy shit.

• 2:18:54Speaker 00

  I have to go to dinner with fucking Square.

• 2:18:56Sam Morril?

  Mark, that's fucking not great.

• 2:18:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, no, I gotta hit my kid, I left him on the counter. Shit, we gotta wrap this up. Oh, that's a big pour.

• 2:19:06Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 2:19:10Mark Normand?

  Give the man some ice.

• 2:19:11Speaker 00

  Taking off my leg in the Civil War?

• 2:19:12Sam Morril?

  Ever since Matt got the Henna tattoo, he's changed.

• 2:19:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that hand.

• 2:19:19Sam Morril?

  This is a mess. This has turned into a complete mess.

• 2:19:23Mark Normand?

  I forgot Pete was there.

• 2:19:24Speaker 00

  Sal, were you at the fucking bachelor party? Did you look different? Big mustache.

• 2:19:29Sam Morril?

  Ah.

• 2:19:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:19:31Sam Morril?

  The best with Sal was like, we were all like, there was one uninvited guest and we're like, I don't know how to tell him to go. And Sal, he was like, you want me to tell him to go? I'm like, yeah, man.

• 2:19:38Mark Normand?

  He'll butt in.

• 2:19:39Sam Morril?

  And he'll be like.

• 2:19:39Speaker 00

  Was it John Manz?

• 2:19:40Sam Morril?

  He just went over there.

• 2:19:41Mark Normand?

  No, no, it was way worse.

• 2:19:43Sam Morril?

  He went over there like, you gotta go.

• 2:19:44Speaker 00

  I told Laurie last night, I can't play Brick Breaker anymore because of that bachelor party.

• 2:19:49Mark Normand?

  Eh?

• 2:19:49Sam Morril?

  What is it?

• 2:19:50Speaker 00

  Brick Breaker is my favorite game to play. It would get me rid of anxiety on planes. And I was so sick the next day that I, I played Brick Breaker the whole day. So every time I play Brick Breaker, I, I feel sick.

• 2:20:02Mark Normand?

  Oh shit.

• 2:20:03Speaker 00

  It's like, it's like, uh, you know, like, uh, the thing.

• 2:20:06Mark Normand?

  I get that. I get that with food. When you're hungover and eat a food, you can't eat it again.

• 2:20:10Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah, right.

• 2:20:11Mark Normand?

  You relate it to the sickness.

• 2:20:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:20:12Sam Morril?

  Tequila, I couldn't drink for 10 years. Certain foods will fucking help with a hangover, man. Yeah.

• 2:20:16Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 2:20:17Speaker 00

  Best food to have on a hangover.

• 2:20:19Sam Morril?

  I like, uh, like everything bagel with bacon, egg and cheese is fucking good. That's a great one.

• 2:20:24Speaker 00

  Egg runny, egg runny?

• 2:20:25Sam Morril?

  I love a runny egg, man. I want mine a runny egg, but that whole thing is great. Chaun, a little, uh, Eastern European stew. You know what's a great hangover food? Leftover Chinese food.

• 2:20:35Speaker 00

  Ooh, it's good, cool.

• 2:20:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:20:37Sam Morril?

  I need to warm it up.

• 2:20:38Speaker 00

  Say something wild.

• 2:20:39Sam Morril?

  Yep. Who's gonna say now?

• 2:20:42Speaker 00

  Hungover as fuck.

• 2:20:43Sam Morril?

  Say something wild, fucking kids is my hangover cure. That's my, that's my hangover cure. I like fucking kids.

• 2:20:52Speaker 00

  I can't do it anymore with these new rules.

• 2:20:55Mark Normand?

  New rules. New rules by Bill Maher. Can't fuck a kid.

• 2:20:59Sam Morril?

  New rule. No more fucking kids, okay?

• 2:21:03Mark Normand?

  I don't want to have any kids, but I'll eat them out.

• 2:21:05Speaker 00

  Hey guys, are we gonna do jokes all time? Or are we gonna tell stories?

• 2:21:08Sam Morril?

  This crowd usually gives me a step of innovation at that.

• 2:21:11Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no.

• 2:21:15Mark Normand?

  Kyle Donegan, funny guy.

• 2:21:17Sam Morril?

  New rule, people, okay? Okay.

• 2:21:20Speaker 00

  Crazy that like Bill won't do Rogan if he talks about Kyle Donegan?

• 2:21:26Sam Morril?

  And it's even funnier that Rogan's like, "I'm definitely gonna."

• 2:21:29Mark Normand?

  Yes, and Bill's like, "I'm a comedian." You're like, "Are you?"

• 2:21:33Sam Morril?

  Are you though?

• 2:21:33Mark Normand?

  You can't be made fun of, you can't be talked about.

• 2:21:35Sam Morril?

  You gotta give Jerry credit, he laughs at people making fun of him.

• 2:21:38Speaker 00

  Hold on, hold on, hold on.

• 2:21:40Mark Normand?

  Hundred hours of footage of people going, "What's the deal with it?"

• 2:21:42Speaker 00

  I said, I said to you, I don't know, I'm being real right now and I'm drunk, so edit it out. But like, I don't like, I don't like when you do an impression of a comedian.

• 2:21:51Sam Morril?

  What do you mean?

• 2:21:52Speaker 00

  Personally, I don't like it.

• 2:21:53Sam Morril?

  What do you mean? Sam specifically, or anyone?

• 2:21:55Speaker 00

  Any, no, like, I don't know, I'm not gonna say it, I'm not gonna say it, I texted you one time. Like Jeremiah did an impression of Mark and I, I didn't like it.

• 2:22:04Sam Morril?

  Oh, I thought it was really good.

• 2:22:05Speaker 00

  It bothered me, it bothered me.

• 2:22:06Sam Morril?

  No, I thought it was really funny.

• 2:22:07Mark Normand?

  AI Mark Norm.

• 2:22:08Speaker 00

  It's funny, but I go, yo, I don't like, because they did it to Dane, and it minimized the person. And it's like, yo, there's a nuance, and dude, they're gonna be-

• 2:22:19Sam Morril?

  I thought Jeremiah did it with love to Norman.

• 2:22:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. I know, I know, but I know, then edit it out, but I just didn't like it. I don't like an impression of-

• 2:22:26Sam Morril?

  No one does impressions of me. Here's why I didn't like it, because I was on the show with him and Dr. Phil, and I was like, "Can one of you not be a character that I can riff with? Do I have to compete with only characters here?" He's got your jacket. This is hard.

• 2:22:38Speaker 00

  It bothered me, it bothered me. And I texted Mark the next morning and I said, "I don't like that, I don't like it." I, I, I'm, I'm just weird about it, so like, I understand Bill Maher's point of view. Do you remember when they did it about Dane on SNL?

• 2:22:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:22:51Mark Normand?

  No.

• 2:22:51Sam Morril?

  It was on Mad TV.

• 2:22:52Speaker 00

  Mad TV?

• 2:22:52Mark Normand?

  No.

• 2:22:53Sam Morril?

  It was like Baron Hall.

• 2:22:54Speaker 00

  So you whittle down the thing they do, and you go like, "I'm this, I'm that, I'm that." And then, none of the nuance is there, it's like, you can do it to every comic, and, and I'll tell you, I'll tell you, they did it to Sebastian a couple times on Skanks. And, and, and I understood it, I get it, but it's like, Sebastian's a little more than- What's up with these people?

• 2:23:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, they know that, though. They're just like doing it for funny, the funny part.

• 2:23:19Speaker 00

  I know, but I just.

• 2:23:20Sam Morril?

  I think when it's done with love.

• 2:23:22Speaker 00

  Flag decks, I may not like putting that in there because I'm just.

• 2:23:25Mark Normand?

  I get it.

• 2:23:26Speaker 00

  I don't want to shit on Jeremiah. I'm not shitting on Jeremiah.

• 2:23:29Sam Morril?

  He fucks kids, you can shit on him.

• 2:23:31Mark Normand?

  I'm cool with Jeremiah and we talked about it, so I'm, I find it somewhat flattering, but I see what you're saying.

• 2:23:38Speaker 00

  It bothered me. I texted you prior.

• 2:23:39Sam Morril?

  I don't think what Epstein did with the kids was cool, but I think his Martin Norman impression was pretty good. I stand by it.

• 2:23:47Speaker 00

  By the way, I agree more with Epstein. I love.

• 2:23:51Sam Morril?

  Dude, hey. What ever happened to that island? I don't know. It's up for sale. We gotta get it. It's all going together. Big comedy fest on Epstein's island.

• 2:24:02Mark Normand?

  I love it. Comedy festival.

• 2:24:04Sam Morril?

  Headline to Crystalia, let's do it. The Epstein Island Comedy Festival.

• 2:24:08Mark Normand?

  Only young comics. That could be something. Just Laino book it.

• 2:24:14Sam Morril?

  Is that really for sale?

• 2:24:16Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:24:16Sam Morril?

  Are you gonna buy it?

• 2:24:18Mark Normand?

  You can buy it.

• 2:24:19Speaker 00

  How much? I can buy it.

• 2:24:19Sam Morril?

  Hundred and twenty-five million. You got that? That's eight months for you, Bert. One twenty-five million.

• 2:24:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, you got that?

• 2:24:25Sam Morril?

  Does it come with the dock and all the buildings or do they destroy it?

• 2:24:27Mark Normand?

  Look at all those nice huts and the bunkers.

• 2:24:30Sam Morril?

  You get the Airbnb that? You can make it back in five years. Bert, you got the massages, man. Let's do this.

• 2:24:35Mark Normand?

  I went to St. Martin with the wife. We went on like a drunk booze cruise and we passed by it. It's a beautiful island. It's right there.

• 2:24:42Sam Morril?

  Ever see Adrian's bit about it? Imagine you're washed up on a, like you have a shipwreck and you wash up on Epstein Island. Like, thank God I'm saved. Wait a minute.

• 2:24:50Mark Normand?

  Even better.

• 2:24:51Speaker 00

  I think Adrian would have been cool.

• 2:24:54Mark Normand?

  Who?

• 2:24:55Speaker 00

  Adrian Appalucci?

• 2:24:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah, she could have kept the secret. She's cool.

• 2:24:58Speaker 00

  I think she would have been like, I don't think anyone would have touched. There're only fucking kids there. What the fuck? She washes up. They're like, hey, let's get you some help.

• 2:25:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she'd be fine.

• 2:25:07Sam Morril?

  I just want a room.

• 2:25:08Mark Normand?

  He's too old.

• 2:25:10Speaker 00

  Adrian would have been like, hey, guys. They're like, oh, you gotta enter this back.

• 2:25:14Sam Morril?

  We're like, you old man. Please.

• 2:25:17Speaker 00

  Oh, we don't know, we don't allow nannies here. You are your age, older than everyone here.

• 2:25:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:25:24Sam Morril?

  Go watch Adrian's special on Netflix as well. She's awesome.

• 2:25:27Speaker 00

  Dark Queen?

• 2:25:27Mark Normand?

  Produced by Ari.

• 2:25:28Speaker 00

  Is that kid producer?

• 2:25:29Sam Morril?

  And we, we love her. She's an old friend of ours and she's awesome.

• 2:25:33Mark Normand?

  He was on here and it was pulling teeth, but she's a good egg.

• 2:25:36Speaker 00

  Worst, possible worst episode ever of You Be Tripping. I was in Portugal. I was like, alright. Did you meet anybody like, yeah, some people.

• 2:25:43Sam Morril?

  You serious?

• 2:25:43Speaker 00

  Oh my god. It's like, how were the, were the men there cool? Yeah, they were fun.

• 2:25:47Mark Normand?

  I, well, I read the comments too.

• 2:25:49Speaker 00

  On that one?

• 2:25:49Mark Normand?

  Her again, she's on everything. I'm dying here.

• 2:25:53Speaker 00

  That's fucked comments.

• 2:25:54Sam Morril?

  You gotta get her.

• 2:25:55Speaker 00

  Mark Norman, Mark Norman.

• 2:25:56Mark Normand?

  I wrote half.

• 2:25:57Speaker 00

  Hang on, let's.

• 2:25:58Sam Morril?

  Hang on, hang on, hang on one second, Burt, go.

• 2:26:00Speaker 00

  Mark Norman used to suck on podcasts. Do you remember that?

• 2:26:04Mark Normand?

  No, teach me.

• 2:26:05Speaker 00

  Oh, buddy.

• 2:26:07Sam Morril?

  You were awful.

• 2:26:07Speaker 00

  When you did Burt Cast in the back of the day, you're like, I don't know how to do it. What do I do?

• 2:26:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:26:12Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 2:26:12Mark Normand?

  Well, I was a comic. I didn't know what the hell.

• 2:26:14Sam Morril?

  You got better.

• 2:26:14Speaker 00

  And you got so good on podcasts.

• 2:26:17Mark Normand?

  Well, you gotta learn these things. You gotta work your way up.

• 2:26:20Speaker 00

  But you, but you, I remember you coming on my podcast. You're like, I don't tell stories. I don't, I don't know how to do this thing.

• 2:26:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:26:26Speaker 00

  And we sat in my man cave with no air conditioning and you told the story about fucking your drama teacher.

• 2:26:31Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:26:32Sam Morril?

  It's a classic.

• 2:26:33Speaker 00

  It's such a good story.

• 2:26:34Sam Morril?

  That was on This Is Happening.

• 2:26:35Speaker 00

  And I'm crying laughing. I was crying laughing.

• 2:26:37Mark Normand?

  I learned. I learned over time, but it, I, I just, you know, it was a new thing. It was like, we did stand up. We wrote jokes.

• 2:26:43Sam Morril?

  And then he went deep in where he's like, overdose me on Xanax. So I have something.

• 2:26:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:26:47Speaker 00

  God damn.

• 2:26:48Mark Normand?

  I got a million stories, so I learned quick, but podcasts was like a new thing that we had to just figure out.

• 2:26:54Speaker 00

  It started in L.A. then went to New York. So New York was like, at the beginning, like, what is?

• 2:26:57Mark Normand?

  Totally.

• 2:26:58Sam Morril?

  We should wrap up, guys. Burt, plug the new specials on Netflix.

• 2:27:02Mark Normand?

  Lucky.

• 2:27:03Sam Morril?

  Lucky. It's awesome. Plug, get some.

• 2:27:05Speaker 00

  This is best work yet.

• 2:27:07Mark Normand?

  Top 10.

• 2:27:07Sam Morril?

  We got Winnipeg. We got Tampa, Florida. We got Halifax, Canada, Spokane.

• 2:27:12Speaker 00

  Halifax, nice.

• 2:27:14Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 2:27:14Sam Morril?

  Calgary, Vancouver, Rockford, Illinois.

• 2:27:17Speaker 00

  That's where Natasha's from.

• 2:27:19Sam Morril?

  St. Paul, Min- Minnesota.

• 2:27:22Mark Normand?

  Duluth.

• 2:27:22Speaker 00

  Duluth. Great, dreading song.

• 2:27:25Sam Morril?

  Eugene. I want to show David tells that Eugene, Oregon, or the town that makeup forgot.

• 2:27:32Speaker 00

  Red Rocks, October 1st.

• 2:27:37Sam Morril?

  Good luck getting him on a plane.

• 2:27:40Mark Normand?

  He'll do it.

• 2:27:42Sam Morril?

  When he comes out, people are gonna go.

• 2:27:44Mark Normand?

  I rode a plane with him toward the last Burt tour.

• 2:27:47Sam Morril?

  The only reason I'm, I opened for Rogan is because Joey Diaz canceled 60% of the time. And Joe's like, I'm not gonna not bring him, but I need a backup.

• 2:27:56Speaker 00

  I saw him today and we were talking about like.

• 2:27:59Sam Morril?

  I weaseled him into a corner and he said, oh, come on, we might be drunk, so.

• 2:28:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he didn't like it.

• 2:28:04Sam Morril?

  But he's coming on. You got off from Quaaludes.

• 2:28:06Mark Normand?

  We'll get him on there.

• 2:28:08Sam Morril?

  I love Joey.

• 2:28:09Speaker 00

  He wants to see his kid, he wants.

• 2:28:10Sam Morril?

  He's talking Knicks with me, though. He's a big Knicks fan.

• 2:28:13Speaker 00

  He's, but he's the best. I love him.

• 2:28:14Sam Morril?

  I love Joey.

• 2:28:15Speaker 00

  He's coming out, he wants Mercy to see Colorado.

• 2:28:18Sam Morril?

  We'll get him on.

• 2:28:18Speaker 00

  And so he, I said, we'll bring you guys out. We do it. You know how great we do Red Rocks.

• 2:28:25Mark Normand?

  That was, I did two of them. It was unbelievable. It's like a special night. We saw Jimmy Buffett the next night.

• 2:28:29Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 2:28:30Mark Normand?

  What a weekend.

• 2:28:30Speaker 00

  We saw Will Smith one night, right?

• 2:28:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:28:34Sam Morril?

  Jimmy Buffett or somebody else?

• 2:28:35Mark Normand?

  We saw Buffett.

• 2:28:35Speaker 00

  Jimmy Buffett.

• 2:28:36Mark Normand?

  I have photos of it. I'll plug him in.

• 2:28:37Speaker 00

  Can I tell you the thing that bums me out the most is I met Jimmy Buffett, I gave him my number. And then because the internet got my number, I had to change my number. And Jimmy Buffett, the week before he died, was trying to text me, so he was watching my stand up specials. He told me that and I went, motherfucker. It breaks my heart because I'm such a Jimmy Buffett fan.

• 2:28:58Sam Morril?

  I hung out with him in Key West. Yeah, yeah, we went to a show, fucking what's his name from comedy Key West got us in. Jimmy Buffett's on his deathbed. He's like, tell Burt.

• 2:29:08Speaker 00

  Hang on, hang on. This is the beauty. Hold on. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing.

• 2:29:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, let me do it.

• 2:29:14Speaker 00

  The beauty is when someone dies, you say whatever you want.

• 2:29:17Sam Morril?

  Let me do it, yeah.

• 2:29:18Speaker 00

  Because Whitney Houston and I were close friends.

• 2:29:20Sam Morril?

  We were hanging out. He was wearing shorts. He was like, my heart's really not in this anymore. And I was like, do you like stand up? He goes, yeah. This, one guy Burt's been annoying me and I like, oh my god, god damn it, it sucks.

• 2:29:32Speaker 00

  Hang on, for real. Who's your most famous fan?

• 2:29:35Sam Morril?

  Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston was in a bathtub and she was like, we might be drunk.

• 2:29:39Speaker 00

  That's like your stand up.

• 2:29:40Sam Morril?

  My favorite.

• 2:29:41Speaker 00

  Like, what's one person that reached out and was like, yo, Ari, it's, it's RJ or KJ?

• 2:29:47Sam Morril?

  Ray J?

• 2:29:48Speaker 00

  Ray J.

• 2:29:48Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 2:29:49Speaker 00

  Ray J doesn't like.

• 2:29:50Sam Morril?

  Famous people don't like me.

• 2:29:51Speaker 00

  We had a moment.

• 2:29:52Sam Morril?

  Eddie Brown maybe is the biggest?

• 2:29:53Speaker 00

  We're, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm oversharing if you edit out, you want. But we were at the Comedy Store and the hip hop guy was there and I was like, I was like, hey, he said, came up and said hi. He was like, hey, what's up? I was like, yeah, you doing, man? I was like, so good to see you. This is my buddy Ari and he went like this to Ari and he went.

• 2:30:11Sam Morril?

  Oh. Oh my god, I was like, who's this guy? Hip hop guy. And I didn't know, it was great. I was like, oh, nice shirt. He goes, thanks. And I was like, alright, this guy's being standoffish, I'm not gonna say, but I'll tell you afterwards, but it was like, oh.

• 2:30:24Mark Normand?

  Was it Kanye? He doesn't like your kind.

• 2:30:27Speaker 00

  I think he likes it.

• 2:30:28Sam Morril?

  What?

• 2:30:28Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 2:30:29Sam Morril?

  I don't know. But, but, yeah, I was like.

• 2:30:31Speaker 00

  It was so crazy, cause I realized.

• 2:30:33Sam Morril?

  Cause then people came up to him and was like, oh, is that guy famous? And they're like, yeah, he's been on your storytelling show. I'm like, oh, it was the year I was gone.

• 2:30:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, the Roy Wood years.

• 2:30:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:30:43Mark Normand?

  Just say it.

• 2:30:44Speaker 00

  The dark years.

• 2:30:45Sam Morril?

  Who gives a fuck?

• 2:30:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Literally.

• 2:30:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:30:49Mark Normand?

  Wait, who was it? Jay-Z?

• 2:30:51Speaker 00

  It was Talib Kweli.

• 2:30:52Sam Morril?

  Talib Kweli.

• 2:30:53Mark Normand?

  Uh.

• 2:30:54Sam Morril?

  Ooh. He doesn't like you. I don't know, I was like, nice shirt. He goes, oh, thanks.

• 2:30:57Mark Normand?

  He loves comedy.

• 2:30:58Speaker 00

  If you're black and you meet Ari, you gotta.

• 2:31:01Sam Morril?

  You gotta have, you gotta rep, you gotta rep.

• 2:31:03Speaker 00

  You gotta rep, you gotta rep.

• 2:31:04Sam Morril?

  If you love a one.

• 2:31:05Speaker 00

  I love, I, I, Snoop's a close friend of mine.

• 2:31:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:31:07Speaker 00

  But if I, see Ari with Snoop, I gotta go, Ari, walk away.

• 2:31:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, walk away.

• 2:31:11Mark Normand?

  Makes sense.

• 2:31:12Sam Morril?

  Me too. These guys love. I'm tight with Snoop and I'm like. No, disown me. I'm like, look. Disown me. I'm not.

• 2:31:17Mark Normand?

  Even Michael Che, I gotta pretend we're not friends anymore.

• 2:31:20Sam Morril?

  The black love. I see Alex English at the cellar, I'm like, Ari, who is that? I don't know, I. They love a one-time MVP.

• 2:31:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, he's doubling down.

• 2:31:29Sam Morril?

  It's so funny too, cause he was like, I saw him and I was like, nice shirt. He goes, oh, thanks, I got it on the road, cause I was out of shirts. I'm like, bro, I've been there, you know how many ti- I didn't know who he was. I was like, you know how many times I've asked for, for like a venue shirt so I could make it through the whole week? And he was like, what? I was like, no, so you get a free shirt so you can make it through the whole week, cause.

• 2:31:47Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 2:31:48Sam Morril?

  I was like, oh, you have more money than I do, I guess.

• 2:31:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, check out Ari's special.

• 2:31:55Sam Morril?

  I'll be an anchorage.

• 2:31:57Speaker 00

  I hope people enjoyed this.

• 2:31:58Sam Morril?

  Dreadful human, Ari Shaffir, good friend of ours. Friend of Fred, enemy to all.

• 2:32:04Mark Normand?

  I'm going to the UK. Come, come see me in.

• 2:32:07Speaker 00

  When you go to the UK?

• 2:32:07Mark Normand?

  On May. We'd love to have you.

• 2:32:09Speaker 00

  Hold on. Do you want an opener?

• 2:32:12Mark Normand?

  Wait, are you gonna be there?

• 2:32:14Speaker 00

  No, I'd go with you.

• 2:32:15Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 2:32:16Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 2:32:16Sam Morril?

  Bert, are you fucking kidding me? He's drunk. He's drunk.

• 2:32:19Speaker 00

  I'm not doing anything in May. I'm not doing anything in May.

• 2:32:22Sam Morril?

  Bert, I would love for you to do an hour fifteen in front of him.

• 2:32:25Speaker 00

  Let me open and just ruin his show. I have no material.

• 2:32:28Sam Morril?

  Take your shirt off.

• 2:32:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, that would be amazing. Cardiff, Birmingham, London, Belfast.

• 2:32:34Speaker 00

  Rules.

• 2:32:35Mark Normand?

  UTA.

• 2:32:36Speaker 00

  That's his. Dude, let's.

• 2:32:38Sam Morril?

  It's all set up.

• 2:32:39Mark Normand?

  Let's hang.

• 2:32:40Speaker 00

  Let's step these up a little bit. Do double nights in every show.

• 2:32:44Mark Normand?

  I love it.

• 2:32:45Sam Morril?

  Hold on.

• 2:32:45Mark Normand?

  Don't fuck with me here.

• 2:32:46Sam Morril?

  What?

• 2:32:47Speaker 03

  This is a verbal contract. This is legally binding.

• 2:32:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna say this, then two days later you're gonna go, oh, I'm gay now.

• 2:32:52Speaker 00

  No, I'm done. I'm done. After the Two Bears 5K, on May 4th, I'm done.

• 2:32:59Mark Normand?

  This is in May, mid-May.

• 2:33:01Speaker 00

  Great.

• 2:33:02Mark Normand?

  Pull the dates up. What are you, what are you doing?

• 2:33:03Speaker 00

  Pull the dates up.

• 2:33:04Sam Morril?

  Bert, I could use some help in Columbus, Ohio, coming up, if you wanna, uh...

• 2:33:08Mark Normand?

  Keep it going, keep going.

• 2:33:10Sam Morril?

  What do we got?

• 2:33:10Mark Normand?

  There we go.

• 2:33:11Speaker 00

  Yo, Pete, what does it look like?

• 2:33:12Mark Normand?

  Uh, we got, uh, okay, Reykjavik, I'm opening. That's already sold out, by the way.

• 2:33:16Sam Morril?

  You won't be there for Reykjavik, but that's.

• 2:33:18Mark Normand?

  Salford, which I've never heard of, and I'm excited to go. Cardiff, Bristol, Birmingham, London, and Glasgow.

• 2:33:25Sam Morril?

  Harry, Harry, Harry fucking go.

• 2:33:27Mark Normand?

  And Belfast.

• 2:33:28Speaker 00

  Belfast? Dude.

• 2:33:30Mark Normand?

  Then back to Rochester. They really help. Let's do it. I mean, we'd love to have you. That'd be great.

• 2:33:36Speaker 00

  I can, I'll just open and do like.

• 2:33:37Mark Normand?

  And work out.

• 2:33:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't have any material, so.

• 2:33:40Sam Morril?

  That'd be great.

• 2:33:41Mark Normand?

  That would be a fucking blast.

• 2:33:42Speaker 00

  You go, we're gonna party?

• 2:33:44Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 2:33:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you gotta pay him back.

• 2:33:45Mark Normand?

  What else am I doing in UK?

• 2:33:46Speaker 00

  Is Meg coming, kid?

• 2:33:47Mark Normand?

  No.

• 2:33:48Speaker 00

  Oh, good.

• 2:33:48Sam Morril?

  Wow, this could be, this could, this is.

• 2:33:51Speaker 00

  Old school Bertie boy?

• 2:33:52Sam Morril?

  This could be old school.

• 2:33:53Mark Normand?

  Let's go to Waterloo.

• 2:33:54Sam Morril?

  What else we got, Mag? Pull some other dates.

• 2:33:56Speaker 03

  I got Sam's dates here.

• 2:33:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, what's we got, uh?

• 2:33:59Speaker 03

  13th, Milwaukee.

• 2:34:00Sam Morril?

  No, no, start, start in fucking Columbus, man.

• 2:34:02Mark Normand?

  When's this coming out?

• 2:34:03Speaker 03

  No, it just comes out on the 13th.

• 2:34:04Sam Morril?

  I thought we're coming out, this is coming out this weekend, I thought.

• 2:34:07Speaker 03

  Peter told me April 13th.

• 2:34:08Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 2:34:09Speaker 00

  So we already missed April, May?

• 2:34:12Speaker 03

  What is it? The Stefanos this weekend.

• 2:34:13Sam Morril?

  Oh, I got you. Okay. Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, St. Louis, Kansas, Minneapolis, Phoenix, San Diego, Sacramento, SF, Portland. We had a Late Show on Monday. Please don't make me regret that.

• 2:34:26Mark Normand?

  Oh shit.

• 2:34:28Sam Morril?

  Seattle, Vancouver, Boise, Salt Lake sold out, and then we got, uh...

• 2:34:33Speaker 03

  Denver.

• 2:34:34Sam Morril?

  So yeah, I hope I see you guys out. SamRill.com/shows. Follow all of us on Punch Up. Punch Up is the shit. Punchup.

• 2:34:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:34:42Sam Morril?

  Slash SamRill.

• 2:34:43Speaker 03

  Tell Bert about Punch Up.

• 2:34:44Sam Morril?

  All I got is my storytelling shows, just two left in April. Just the Late Show, Monday, Late Show, Tuesday, and then Anchorage, Alaska.

• 2:34:52Speaker 00

  Wait, are these before? Those would be before your show, correct?

• 2:34:56Sam Morril?

  What will be before?

• 2:34:57Speaker 00

  His dates.

• 2:34:59Sam Morril?

  Huh?

• 2:34:59Speaker 00

  I can run the story.

• 2:35:00Sam Morril?

  His dates will be after my show. My show's in April.

• 2:35:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:35:04Sam Morril?

  Secret lineup. Secret lineup.

• 2:35:06Speaker 00

  Or I'm definitely not on.

• 2:35:08Sam Morril?

  Secret lineup.

• 2:35:11Speaker 00

  Will not be on our show.

• 2:35:14Sam Morril?

  All lineups are secret. Lineup is good.

• 2:35:18Speaker 03

  And lastly, Mark and I have a really funny documentary going up on Punch Up Live right now.

• 2:35:23Sam Morril?

  Can I get it?

• 2:35:24Speaker 03

  Page to Stage 2. You might be in it. You're in it.

• 2:35:26Mark Normand?

  You're in it. You're both in it.

• 2:35:28Sam Morril?

  I'm in it too.

• 2:35:29Mark Normand?

  I think so.

• 2:35:30Speaker 03

  Yes, you're definitely in it.

• 2:35:31Mark Normand?

  We'll put a picture of you. Page to Stage, uh, check it out. Episode 2.

• 2:35:36Speaker 03

  Episode 2.

• 2:35:37Sam Morril?

  I did a 40 minute interview.

• 2:35:39Speaker 03

  Mark tries to write one clean joke.

• 2:35:41Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:35:41Speaker 03

  Took him six weeks.

• 2:35:43Mark Normand?

  Seinfeld's in it.

• 2:35:43Sam Morril?

  Who are you, Tom Dreesen?

• 2:35:44Speaker 00

  What are you, a fucking queer? You want a clean joke? You ready?

• 2:35:49Mark Normand?

  Oh, well.

• 2:35:50Speaker 00

  Clean joke, clean joke.

• 2:35:51Mark Normand?

  I can't wait.

• 2:35:52Speaker 00

  Ladies and gentlemen, clean joke from Bert Kreischer.

• 2:35:54Mark Normand?

  Never heard of it.

• 2:35:55Speaker 00

  And I want to see how quick you guys are, because you're better than I am. So...

• 2:36:00Sam Morril?

  Better than everybody.

• 2:36:02Speaker 00

  These two are quicker than me.

• 2:36:04Sam Morril?

  Milk it more.

• 2:36:05Mark Normand?

  Don't, don't build it up.

• 2:36:09Speaker 00

  What did, uh, what did Mr. T say?

• 2:36:13Mark Normand?

  Timely reference.

• 2:36:15Speaker 00

  After he pushed 50 Cent in the pool. What?

• 2:36:20Mark Normand?

  I pity the, I pity the, I pity the pool.

• 2:36:24Speaker 00

  I pity the pool.

• 2:36:25Mark Normand?

  I pity the pool. Come on. There we go.

• 2:36:29Speaker 00

  I am. You're better than I am. All right, all right. Ready? Ready?

• 2:36:32Mark Normand?

  Page your stage.

• 2:36:32Speaker 00

  Another joke joke. Ready?

• 2:36:33Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 2:36:35Speaker 00

  By the way.

• 2:36:35Sam Morril?

  Let's make him miss the game.

• 2:36:36Speaker 00

  So I made, I wrote this in a hot tub high and it made me laugh so hard.

• 2:36:41Sam Morril?

  All right.

• 2:36:42Speaker 00

  But I didn't, no one got it. And then I, and then I wrote it in my joke book. And then I didn't get it until I got it.

• 2:36:49Sam Morril?

  I got it.

• 2:36:50Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 2:36:51Speaker 00

  I want to do a, I want to do a Prince cover band called Prince Harry.

• 2:36:59Sam Morril?

  I do not.

• 2:37:00Mark Normand?

  We'll cut, we'll cut that.

• 2:37:02Speaker 00

  Just like, and just like that, folks, we had a great week. Cause he's not the real Prince. He's the second Prince.

• 2:37:08Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 2:37:09Speaker 00

  So it's Prince Harry. Like, ugh.

• 2:37:14Mark Normand?

  That wasn't bad.

• 2:37:15Sam Morril?

  We love you guys.

• 2:37:16Mark Normand?

  Waterloo.

• 2:37:17Sam Morril?

  Drink poor Osos. We love Burt. Go see his new special. Go see Ari's new special.

• 2:37:22Mark Normand?

  Lucky's.

• 2:37:22Sam Morril?

  Go see them both on tour. Two of our favorites.

• 2:37:25Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:37:25Sam Morril?

  A, a privilege that, I mean, we see Ari all the time, but we never see Burt. So this is a treat. And we love you and, uh, and we'll see you next week. We love you guys.

• 2:37:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we might be hammered.

• 2:37:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.