Wedding Invites, Celebrity DJs and Holiday Friendships

Would Tom & Rom go to a stranger's wedding? A listener has a proposal: they’re officiating their sister’s wedding, and they’d like both of the boys to be part of a surprise. Tom is up for it, Romesh is very much not, and a negotiation begins... Plus, the best nicknames ever sent to the pod, which holiday friendships are worth keeping, and who gets the legs, the hair and the comedic brain when the boys build their dream celebrity. Send your emails to [email protected] A Ranga Bee Production. Chapters: 00:00 Intro00:48 The celebrant’s wedding surprise04:19 Do celebrity DJs actually DJ?09:42 Nicknames from the lads’ holiday10:55 Romesh’s Leeds arena shout-out14:50 Should Tom meet the emailer?17:42 Roleplay: lunch with a stranger20:25 Building your ideal celebrity22:06 Do holiday friendships last?23:26 The dream celebrity line-ups24:44 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:15Speaker 00

  I've got great news for you. It's time for the email special of the Wolf and Al. Congratulations.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Hello friends.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  [email protected] if you want to get your email potentially read out on the, it can be query, it can be a story, it can be whatever you want.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Picture of you on a trampoline jumping as high as you can.

• 0:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know how much content will derive from that. So maybe keep those to yourself. But please do remember to like and subscribe.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Love it.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  I'll read the first one, Tom.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Okay, usually we debate it, but you're gonna go in. You know this is a good one. Okay.

• 0:46Speaker 00

  No, I don't. I've not read any of them. Dear Wolf and Al, my sister is getting married next year.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  And has asked me to be the celebrant. I'm absolutely honoured and buzzing to do it. However, she's got in her head that I'm gonna come up with some elaborate showstopping idea to make the day special. I keep telling her I'll keep it just normal. However, she's convinced that I'm being some sort of chess guru and double bluffing, which I absolutely am not.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Do chess players bluff?

• 1:14Speaker 00

  I don't think so, no.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Poker players bluff, right?

• 1:16Speaker 00

  No, I get the feeling that this person is not going to do anything elaborate.

• 1:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Tom, I know you absolutely love a wedding and Rom, I know you don't want to come to a wedding if you're a stranger, you think it'll be awkward. So firstly, Tom, do your magic. There'll be drinks, food, a DJ deck for Rom to throw back the years. And I've heard rumours of pizza at the end of the night. Secondly, Rom, you won't be a stranger as both of you will come out as a surprise addition to my celebrant ceremony. Picture this, I'm telling stories about how they met and then I go, but what about when they met you? Then bang, you both appear from the crowd and give made up speeches about how you both met the bride and groom, making up extremely elaborate stories. Tom, I know you'd absolutely love it. Rom, I know deep down you would too. All jokes aside, I know this is likely something you'd not want to do, but we'd genuinely be over the moon if you could make it, if you two could make it and be a part of the special day. We're all such huge fans. I'd be buzzing if I could actually pull out this crazy surprise for her.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Please give me a message if you want to come. All the best to tenacious turtle.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Did you want this to be read out? Because if they are massive fans, I think there's a good chance that they'll hear about this, don't they? It's difficult to unpack what the fucking actual truth of this is.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  They're massive fans, are they? But you think it's impossible that they will stumble across the podcasts that we both do and hear this request?

• 2:32Speaker 01

  And also, yeah, because it's unlikely because of the whole nature of the details of celebrant. Like that's, yeah, him being this guy with his big elaborate idea. I mean, it would be fucking sick. Yeah. You coming out to, "I'm gonna get dressed", and then sort of coming out going, "Hey, you remember me, Romesh, Frank and Nathan? You were my first kiss. I was 23", and sort of something like that.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  And you're wacky. Yeah. And I'll come and go, "Yo, how you doing? You all right? You good? Nice to see you, bro. Remember the first time we met?"

• 3:05Speaker 02

  Life is all about making decisions. Sometimes you make questionable ones. Like buying a new TV that's too big for the wall because the electronics store employee was a little too good at their job. Then sometimes you make great ones, like protecting your home and auto with Progressive. You get customised coverage options so you can be sure you have the right coverage. Get your quote today at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company affiliates and other insurers. Not available in all states.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change, your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 3:46Speaker 04

  Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. So would you do it?

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I mean, it doesn't feel, I do agree with you. I feel like this has been a slight, sort of this surprise might have been sort of ruined slightly. But you know, these are the sort of things I think then we can film some content from it. Yeah, you know, just you eating the biggest bit of cake we can get on a plate would be fucking hilarious. You're just a picture of you, you've got this massive bit of cake and you're like.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is why the Patreon ideas haven't taken off. Because Tom thinks that's content.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Five pounds a month and you can see Romesh eat a massive bit of cake. Oh, not more blimmin' cake.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Even like the boy from Matilda, yeah. What he doesn't know is it's not even vegan.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm up for it. It depends where it is, obviously.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  I'm not up for it.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  Really?

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, sorry.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  This is the thing, we've.

• 4:54Speaker 00

  I don't think it's a good idea.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  What, do we come bursting out?

• 4:58Speaker 00

  I don't think it's a good idea.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  You wanna DJ? They said you can DJ.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, again, another bad idea.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  I heard a guy actually talking in the toilets the other day about he was a DJ and, or he, he's an event organiser. And he, one of his jobs is to set up DJ, like the DJ system for celebrity DJs who don't actually DJ, they just have a setlist. And he makes it look like they're DJing. And he started laying into, naming people. He was chatting to his mate in the toilet. And I was like, oh my, he was, yeah, he'd had a few drinks.

• 5:29Speaker 00

  I don't know how I feel about the celebrity DJ thing. Because obviously, so just to be clear, I don't DJ. I mean, I do DJ at home.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  But I'm not of a sufficient standard to go out and play at some, anyway.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  No, I agree with you.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  So Martin DJs and I sort of host it.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  He's a phenomenal DJ.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  He's incredible, one of the best.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  So he's Rob Percy?

• 5:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  I'll pay. Shout out Rob Percy.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. What I would, I don't know, oh, this is really bad because I know I'm, I think celebrity DJs is, people have really practised and worked harder being a DJ. But then, but then.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Don't tiptoe around. I think if you, if you're a celebrity DJ who's actually DJing and you've learnt the skill, fair enough.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, that's.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  It's the same thing as when people do a thing where they go, "Oh, I'm gonna do a gig and I'm gonna do stand up." And they'll, they'll say they're gonna come and they do like, "Fair enough if you go and do five, you know, five minutes." But you're not a stand up after, you stand up once you do it, you're building up your material and you're, you know.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  I mean, look, to be clear, neither of us are even sure that we're standing.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  No, yeah. But, but the idea of standing there pretending that you're playing fucking a DJ set, which has already been mastered for you, just because of your name.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  But a lot of DJs, a lot of actual DJs do that.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Really?

• 6:41Speaker 00

  So sometimes.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  This is why I hate the peek behind the curtains.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  So sometimes if you're doing a big set somewhere massive and they've got, I don't know, fireworks or pyros and stuff like that that are due to, it's too high risk to have your set be live, right? And actually, so what you do is, what they'll do is they'll mix the set before, before, send it along. And then they choreograph all of the effects and stuff. And then essentially you're stood behind the decks, just kind of performing.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  So Calvin Harris?

• 7:12Speaker 00

  I don't know if Calvin, I'm not, I don't, I don't know enough to say who's doing it and who's not, but.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  But yeah, I mean, the, the truth of the matter is let's find out where it is. Have we got many details of where it is?

• 7:21Speaker 05

  I'm sure we can find out.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then we'll.

• 7:23Speaker 00

  Well, it's a no from me.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  But Tom might turn up.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  I can't go without you.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Can I just, can I just clarify?

• 7:29Speaker 01

  It's tragic if I turn up on my own. It is really bad.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  It's tragic if we turn up together.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  No, it's fun if we turn up together. Johnny Monster can drive.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  It's not, Tom, it's not. Can I, everybody thinks it's a good idea and then as soon as we start to.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Have you done this before?

• 7:43Speaker 00

  No, I've done.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Then you don't know.

• 7:45Speaker 00

  No, hold on a sec.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  I guarantee we do it once and you turn around and go,

• 7:51Speaker 01

  "That was actually more fun than I bloody thought it was gonna be, mate." And Monster would come running out and go, "Bloody hell, I've just got champagne." And I'd go, "Get in there, you blimmin' nutcase." And he'd run in, grab some champagne and we'd all be just dancing the night away. "I'm coming up."

• 8:06Speaker 00

  No. No.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  You don't, what if we could get you wearing like what you're wearing now, like a t-shirt with a suit and trainers?

• 8:13Speaker 00

  "Could I wear my own clothes?" No, thank you. "Oh, you're gonna do it, but it's mufti day."

• 8:20Speaker 01

  No, you haven't got to wear a full three piece is what I'm saying.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  I don't, that's not the reason I'm not, look, I've done, I haven't done this, but I've done a couple of things where, when I was starting out.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  I remember when I first started out, somebody's having a big birthday bash.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  And they're a big fan of mine.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, but, but we're you, Romesh, Frank and Nathan, we know and love. These people are our own, they're our fucking family.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, but these people are massive fans and they thought it would be cool. And it was fucking awful.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Right. Number one, we're not going out to do a stand up set.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  You think you want, you think you want us there, you don't. Okay? You don't. I would say more likely for me to turn up if we're just guests. That would be more likely.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  That's what.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Going up and doing a fake speech and me getting on the decks, no. That's insane.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Let's meet in a halfway point then, yeah? We go along as guests, sit on the same table, me, you and the monster, right? We have a bit of a laugh, right? And we can go around and sneakily tell people that's how we met them.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  If, if I'm free on the date, that's my compromise position. I'll come as a guest.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  And you wanna wear your.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  But we will also contribute, we'll pay for our guesting.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Well, no, I'm not paying for the meal.

• 9:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, you have to.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  I'm not fucking paying for a meal at a wedding. That makes it, that makes the sham of the whole thing.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Why?

• 9:38Speaker 01

  Because that's the whole thing, we're turning up. There's been, I'll buy drinks at a bar, but this one's on me, mate. Like, I'm not gonna like not buy drinks. We'll probably put a couple of quid behind the bar for everyone. That'd make you a legend, wouldn't it? Yeah.

• 9:53Speaker 00

  Anyway, send us a date.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  So that's free, but free people, if we can get.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Send us the date.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  We don't need a plus one each, we just need a plus one for Johnny Monster.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Because he kind of has to come as, he is now the sort of third wheel of this. Actually, probably JT might want to come as well.

• 10:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, so I hope you can stump up a full guest that you don't know.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  I hope you share my meal with JT.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Great.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  And then you share with Monster.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, plant based for me, please. Monster's not gonna want plant based.

• 10:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's a nightmare for me.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Isn't he not vegan? JT's a vegan, no?

• 10:20Speaker 00

  No.

• 10:20Speaker 01

  Okay, well, we'll have three people share my meal then.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Hi Wolf and Al, short term listener, first time emailer.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Hooray!

• 10:31Speaker 01

  I recently discovered the pod and I've been laughing my way back through old episodes on my commute to work. Well done for having a job. This, the episode in which Tom mentioned Petey Axe got me thinking about some unusual nicknames I've had in my friend group, including my mate Menu, who is called...

• 10:47Speaker 00

  No, he's always, he's started laughing, he's, Tom has started laughing at the fucking word Menu.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  Because on the lads holiday, instead of distributing the menus to each individual, the waitress put a pie in front of him, he's now known as Menu or Menards for sure.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  So stupid. It's so stupid, isn't it?

• 11:05Speaker 01

  Oh my god. My, my customer has a friend known as Fishcake, because around 20 years ago, he went on a first date, the good girl set him up to the fish shop for a fishcake. This is genius. Other than Petey Axe.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  This is a great email.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Do either of you know any other strange nicknames? Or do you have a nickname for someone you both know? Keep up the great work, come on your gunners and Ramesh, see you in Leeds on your tour next year. Oh shit! Someone's come, yeah.

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, yeah, thank you.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Kind regards, the red, red Cavapoo.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  If, if any other people could come to Leeds, because it's, it looks like it's going to be the Cavapoo on his own.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Come on, no way. That's for the new date?

• 11:46Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Where are you playing?

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Uh, is it the first, the first direct arena or something?

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Wow, fucking hell, Leeds Arena. By the way, Leeds, what a place to play.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  Leeds, Leeds, Leeds.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Leeds.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  I do like Leeds.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  Mate, it's incredible, it's one of my favourites.

• 12:00Speaker 00

  I used to live there.

• 12:01Speaker 01

  It's in my top five.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Top five what? Places beginning with L?

• 12:04Speaker 01

  Huh? What? Top five what?

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Places beginning with L?

• 12:08Speaker 01

  I thought you said top, top five.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  Leeds, Lithuania.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  Lincoln.

• 12:12Speaker 00

  London.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  London, yeah.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Oh, Lincoln by the way, big shout out Lincoln, big fan.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, Lincoln's great. No, I thought you said, is it your favourite place to go to an EDL meeting?

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Oh no, I didn't say that.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  Okay, um, a lot of mine are like, Petey Axe, Phil the Dig, because he's, he told everyone he was the best hole digger in the country.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, we, we had a, Nick Hound played the character called Lemon in Reluctant Landlord.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:39Speaker 00

  Um, and I, I think the backstory was, I can't remember what we said, he'd eaten loads of lemons one day. You know, like, because it was sort of that tradition of like, nicknames are just so fucking stupid. There was a guy I went to uni with called Biscuit, because he liked biscuits.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  This is a terrible one, I'm not sure. Um, there was a guy that we used to work on a building site with, and he had a bad, like something had happened to his foot, so everyone called him Limpford Christie. Um, Limpford, um, there were lots of like Dave the Gardener, Phil the Dig, yeah, that kind of, I'm trying to think of any other funny ones. Mate, I mean, fucking hell, Menu is, I genuinely...

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Menu's the best, yeah, I don't think you can call Menu.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  And Fishcake, Fishcake's pretty genius. I was called Fido, Fido, remember Fido Dido?

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Because I used to walk like that when I was a kid.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Fido Dido is not somebody that I would associate you with.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, yeah, that was when I was a kid. But I had spiky hair for a bit of a time.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  If you'd seen me when I was younger, I was, I was tall and skinny.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  You were a bit of a beanpole, weren't you?

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, what, Ranga, did you have any others?

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Um, Hadaway.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  Hadaway?

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Do you remember Hadaway, who sung What Is Love?

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  People at school thought I looked like him, so they called me Hadaway.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  He was quite good looking, right?

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I didn't, I didn't look like him, I don't know why they said that.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Mate, that's fucking complimentary.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  That's quite, he's quite sexy, Hadaway, no?

• 13:59Speaker 00

  I used to have really short, you know, she'd have like a quite, quite a short haircut.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  And I was really skinny, it's for, in my, in sixth form, I was quite skinny, they used to call me Diddy. Puff Daddy.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Oh wow, that's a drop down from old Hadaway.

• 14:15Speaker 00

  I know.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  These are quite cool nicknames, because Diddy at that point wasn't, we didn't know about him being the guy that we...

• 14:20Speaker 00

  No, that would have been sick, wouldn't it?

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Life is all about making decisions. Sometimes you make questionable ones, like buying a new TV that's too big for the wall because the electronics store employee was a little too good at their job. Then sometimes you make great ones, like protecting your home and auto with Progressive. You get customised coverage options, so you can be sure you have the right coverage. Get your quote today at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company affiliates and other insurers, not available in all states.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  Your sausage muffin with egg didn't change, your receipt did. The sausage muffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5, only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 15:06Speaker 04

  Price and participation may vary, promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  Well, so they are quite cool ones.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  You've got cool nicknames.

• 15:12Speaker 00

  Um, and also, but I didn't get nicknames, I just get loads of shit about my eye, but they never came up with a nickname for my eye.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  They just used to go, "Fucking, your eye looks fucked." Stuff, stuff like that.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  My, my, there was no one as imaginative as that.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 15:27Speaker 01

  Little hands, we had a bloke called Squirrel, because he had big teeth.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, um, yeah, no, no.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  You, you, what's happened is, is...

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Penfold.

• 15:36Speaker 00

  Your time on the sites has kind of re-entered your body, because as soon as we started talking about nicknames, your seating position has changed, your tone has changed.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  My bum's hurting a little bit.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Is it really?

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. I don't know if I need a shit, or, I don't know if I'm crowning.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  Your bum might not hurt if you need a shit, will it?

• 15:53Speaker 01

  I don't know. Um, yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? The nickname, I just think Fishcake, I think Menu's genius.

• 16:00Speaker 00

  Menu's incredible, Menu's incredible. You've, you've sort of done us there with the best...

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think this, but I'd love to be this guy's friend.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  I'm sure you can make it happen.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  Do you want to meet up?

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, we could all...

• 16:11Speaker 00

  What do we do, no, no, no, no, neither John nor I have expressed an interest in this.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  Okay, no, I'd meet this person.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  So, okay, so, let's take this seriously for a second.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  If you wanted to be friends with that guy, what, what happens?

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Okay, if I want to be frie-, well, I don't know.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  What would we, what would we orchestrate now?

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Uh, I think it's probably just a quick, like a, a catch up in London, or we'll catch, just meet up in London.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  Little bit of lunch, maybe.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  Would you let people know where you are?

• 16:37Speaker 01

  No, no, I'd let him know, the red, red Cavapoo.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  I know that you've got to let him know, otherwise the meeting becomes very difficult. The point I'm trying to make is, he could be a serial killer.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, no, oh yeah, I'd let, yeah, I'd probably take John around the...

• 16:50Speaker 00

  John's not agreed to, John's not expressed any interest in this.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  I'd take Big Alfie.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  Well, Alfie's not expressed any interest either, Alfie's expressed less interest than John, he's not even listening to you.

• 16:58Speaker 01

  Well, he is listening now, because I just mentioned his name. Alfie's, I'd probably, Alfie looks like he'd handle himself in a situation, so if I'm going to go and meet someone who could be a serial, I'd take Alfie, he could sit on another table, if the guy's okay.

• 17:10Speaker 00

  Sorry, can I just ask a question? What do you think, where do you think the duties of the people that work in this office end?

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Well, this is a part of the show.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  Because Alfie works on a podcast, he's not, he then does, Alfie, I know this is a little bit outside your limit, could you accompany Tom to the pub to meet a stranger in case he gets a bit fucking tasty? What are you talking about?

• 17:30Speaker 01

  I'd turn to Alfie, right, and I'd buy Alfie's lunch, lunch of choice by the way, right?

• 17:35Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. No wage mentioned by the way, but lunch of choice.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  Lunch of choice, and I'll slip in a drink as well, right? So Alfie turns up, right, I go Alfie, you know, point yourself over there, have a watch, see what's going on.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Alfie, I think's a good judge of the situation.

• 17:49Speaker 00

  Right.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  He would give me a little knowing wink like that, if he thinks the guy's okay.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  If he thinks it's getting a bit testy, Alfie comes walking over and goes, "Oh, you're Tom Davis?" And I'll go, "Yeah." He goes, "Oh bloody hell, there's a big mischief up the road, we need you for it." So, me and Alfie sprint out like, sort of saving the day type thing. Or he'd come over and go, "Do you know CPR?" And I'd go, "Yeah." And he'd go, "Yeah, I do, yeah." And he'd go, "Fucking hell mate, we need you up the street, old Mr Wiggins has had a fall."

• 18:17Speaker 00

  What's the backstory that he's, rather than shouting in the pub, does anybody know CPR? He's gone, "I'm going to ask individually people."

• 18:23Speaker 01

  Well, no, because I, I tell you what.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  I'll let it go, when I first arrive, I'll go to the guy, "God bloody hell, I'm exhausted, did a CPR course this morning, absolutely shattered."

• 18:34Speaker 00

  Right, and will you have a badge on or something?

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll put, yeah, I wear like CPR train. Um, so then we'll be chatting away.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  So you turn up to meet this guy, wearing a badge that says CPR train?

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:45Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  Right, so then during the meal, if it's all getting a bit testy, Alfie comes sprinting out and goes...

• 18:50Speaker 00

  How will it go testy?

• 18:51Speaker 01

  No, if Alfie can see it's getting a bit weird, or we're not talking, or...

• 18:53Speaker 00

  How will you know it gets weird?

• 18:54Speaker 01

  I'll know it gets weird, I'm a good, yeah, and then I'll probably text Alfie.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  Can you show me? So, so, I'm going to be you.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm such a fucking idiot. No, I'm joking, that's really horrible.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, Jesus Christ, fucking hell. I think you're a bit jealous about me and Alfie hanging out down at the pub.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, anyway, uh...

• 19:14Speaker 01

  Oh mate, it's so amazing to meet you. Is Ramesh not here?

• 19:17Speaker 00

  No, no, um, to be honest with you, it's got to a point now where I've been doing so much stuff this year, I think, you know, it's starting to feel like a bit of a ball in chain. Never, he's the best, he's so funny, I've seen him perform 18 times. Right, yeah, no, he's a good comedian, yeah. Yeah, he's, and a really good friend, right? "I'd love to have a friend like Ramesh, oh, this pie is beautiful, it's so deep and creamy." "Oh, yummy." "Mmm." Why are you waving your hands about? Because I'm so excited to meet you. Right, right, yeah, I'm excited. Have you got any pictures of Ramesh doing stupid stuff on your phone? No, I don't think so. What about when you went to the wedding and ate that big piece of cake?

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Oh man, it's so good to actually meet you. I'll guess who might pop down later?

• 20:03Speaker 00

  Who?

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Menu, my friend I said about.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  And Fishcake, but Fishcake was arrested two weeks ago.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  I'm actually finding you annoying.

• 20:12Speaker 00

  Even though it's part of the role play, I'm actually thinking, I fucking hate this guy.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is, you asked me to play a part.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, but this guy's not dodgy, is he?

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's annoying though. This is what we're talking about.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Right. How will Alfie know that this is annoying?

• 20:25Speaker 01

  Well, I hope that Alfie's fucking a good enough judge of character that if I'm acting like you are right now, Alfie straight away comes, "You all right, mate? You done the CPR training? Yep, that's why I've got a badge. Uh, I'm Alfie, there's a bloke went out of the corner, Mr Wiggins, he's had a fall. I jump up and go, "Sorry mate, um, finish your dinner, we better go and sort this out." Me and Alfie run out, jump in a black cab, come back to the office.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  Okay. I think Alfie would wanna go home, I imagine. He's had to spend the evening watching you at a pub.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  I know this is a lunchtime thing.

• 20:53Speaker 00

  Oh, it was a lunchtime thing?

• 20:54Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna do it on Alfie's evenings.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  No, sure.

• 20:56Speaker 01

  It's lunchtime, so he gets a couple of hours off work.

• 20:58Speaker 00

  That's, well, hold on, I think you've got to okay with everyone at the fucking office.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  Ben Green's gonna love it, because he's got a bit of content there, doesn't he?

• 21:05Speaker 00

  What content? What's the content?

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Ben loves content.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know, but what's the, tell me what you're delivering to Ben.

• 21:13Speaker 01

  Okay, well, me and Alfie, Alfie could sneakily film it on his phone. And I've got one of those little button camera things that they have in the FBI. So that we get all of the stuff, but they probably can't use it because it feels quite nasty about the guy who's...

• 21:24Speaker 00

  And then he settles down to watch the podcast and he sees that you've organised an elaborate ruse where you pretend to be CPR trained so you can escape.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, that'd be cool.

• 21:37Speaker 00

  That'd be nice. He's gone to the trouble of emailing in the podcast.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  I do think that this is a good guy though. I think he'd be a real fun time.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, you know, if you wanna get together.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, if Tom wants to, Tom wants to meet up with you, so.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  Yeah. Just contact the email and we'll, yeah.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, what's the email?

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Uh, [email protected].

• 21:58Speaker 00

  Great.

• 22:00Speaker 00

  Uh, word up my geez, greetings from Melbourne.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Oh wow, Australia.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  Similar to the classic question of which famous people would you invite to a dinner party, I have a new scenario for you. If you could create your ideal person out of celebrity parts, what would your celebrity body part E look like? For example, Tom would likely choose Josh Wooddickham's head, Ross Kemp's torso, Ramesh's legs and style, and Rob Beckett's comedic brain and golf skills.

• 22:23Speaker 00

  Trying deeply to not be insulted by this. Ramesh would probably pick Jamie Redknapp's head, Arnold Schwarzenegger's body, Thierry Henry's legs, Ron Jeremy's pecker and Tom's hands and comedic brain. Here's a question for you, fucko. Why, why am I choosing Tom's comedic brain but he's not choosing mine? Podgy Puffin.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  Why the fuck are you getting Ron Jeremy's pecker?

• 22:42Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Isn't he, he had like quite a really bad STI?

• 22:46Speaker 00

  I don't know. I don't know about these choices.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Also, your legs would be out of everything. I think if...

• 22:52Speaker 00

  They're the least appealing part of me, that's what you're about to say, isn't it?

• 22:54Speaker 01

  No, no, yeah, but I'd go with your hair and your comedy brain.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  I'd actually go, I'd go with your wit. That's my favourite thing about you.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  Your wit. You're genuine. I think that's a really undervalued thing in society, but you're the wittiest person I've ever met.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  That's really sweet of you to say.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  No, genuinely. You're just always, yeah, I enjoy you so much. I seldom enjoy people. I genuinely enjoy you.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Have you, do you ever have a thing where you meet somebody and you find their, um, their, just their general aura and presence quite intoxicating?

• 23:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:27Speaker 00

  It's horrible when that happens, isn't it?

• 23:28Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  Well, you did, then you think...

• 23:29Speaker 01

  I drink it in.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then you think, I've got, I really wanna hang out with this person.

• 23:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then it's also, it's like, that's, that's a holiday friends feel, isn't it? When you meet someone and it, there's that, but you always remember that person.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  If you went on holiday and made friends with a couple, would you meet up with them again?

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:43Speaker 00

  And would you think about going on holiday together with them?

• 23:45Speaker 01

  No. I'd meet up again. We've got friends that we've met on holiday and we're now friends with.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  And we get on with them. They're good people.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, we don't.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  I'd never ever, I would not go, I'd not go outwardly go, "Right, we're going on holiday together." It's a whole different thing. I think you can go on holiday and they're there in the same place.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about, you, say you meet somebody at, you know that you stay, you stay at the most expensive hotel in the Algarve, don't you?

• 24:10Speaker 01

  It's not actually.

• 24:11Speaker 00

  With Cat and G. And so, imagine you meet...

• 24:14Speaker 01

  It's private villa, isn't it?

• 24:15Speaker 00

  You meet a family, you meet a family.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Literally, like, slam dunk, give me like that.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  You meet a family and they go, "Oh, we're coming back here next year." You would do that?

• 24:29Speaker 01

  If I was coming back there next year.

• 24:30Speaker 00

  And then what does that holiday then look like?

• 24:32Speaker 01

  No, I think, I think everywhere, I think within the people I've met on these holidays and you see people that you've met there before, I do think that there's a natural, people, there's a respect of like, okay, they're on holiday, we'll have a little bit of a chat. I don't think, I don't think people over egg that situation too much, I hope anyway. But, um, because I might be that person.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  Um, I would have Tom's, uh, legs, Tom's pecker, Tom's torso, Tom's head and his comedic brain.

• 25:01Speaker 01

  Um, I would, I'd have your wit and intelligence, your hair, definitely without a doubt, your hair. Um, and your skin, so soft, so, so soft.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  But you'd hate yourself every day.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, so your hair, your wit.

• 25:21Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  Right. Uh, I'd probably have Claudia Schiffer's face.

• 25:26Speaker 00

  Makes sense.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  Pretty stunning, probably, you know, BA Brocchus is, um, torso and arms.

• 25:33Speaker 00

  To, BA Brocchus is torso and arms with Claudia Schiffer's face?

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:37Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Jack Grealish's legs.

• 25:39Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  Um, and I'd probably Johnny Munster's feet.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  Why?

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Johnny Munster's got nice little dainty feet.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  You've not seen his feet ever, have you?

• 25:49Speaker 01

  No, we've seen him.

• 25:50Speaker 00

  You don't subscribe to his OnlyFans, do you?

• 25:53Speaker 01

  I got the free induction pack, package. Uh, and then Alfie's hands.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  Right.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  Alfie's hands. If you watch Alfie on the keyboard and the mouse, dexterity is incredible. He's really quick at moving stuff.

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Um, so I'd go with that. Yeah.

• 26:07Speaker 00

  Okay. Well, there you go. That's your question answered. Thank you, Podgy Puffin. And I'll tell you what you'd probably love. An email read out on this very podcast. [email protected] if you want that to happen. Thank you so much for listening to and watching the Wolf and I Podcast email special. We'll see you next time.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Subscribe.

• 26:23Speaker 00

  Take care and like. Peace.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Love.