Peking Jackfruit, Percy Pigs and Tom’s Worst One Night Stand

Romesh was cornered at a networking event and pitched a dildo of himself. That’s only the start of this week’s Wolf & Owl episode... Tom has had a full medical for his tour indluding a hernia check, a seductive removal of ECG stickers and a height revelation he’s not coping with. He also relives the night he lay silent in bed while a woman in the next room told someone on the phone exactly what she thought of him. Romesh confesses to a Percy Pig habit that’s out of hand and the boys settle (or fail to settle) pop chips versus proper chips,. Got a question, dilemma or poem? Email us at [email protected] A Ranga Bee Production. Chapters: 00:00 Intro01:02 Tom’s got nothing04:08 Romesh’s function08:16 Tom’s one night stand12:22 Tom’s tour medical16:08 Peptides18:08 Percy Pigs20:44 Pop chips vs proper chips29:28 Barbecue sauce on the tube32:03 Dippy fingers33:36 Martin Kemp’s soirée40:21 The peking jackfruit incident44:56 Curry on the train51:04 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Milk, glorious milk.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Who buy? There's nothing like a musical, you know, like in a musical when they different people's like lines overlap.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  You like that?

• 0:13Speaker 00

  I love it. It's, it makes me so happy. My strawberries ripe. Who buy my sweet wed rolls? So why have I got a list? Sweet wed rolls.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Sweet wed rolls. Who buy my sweet wed roses?

• 0:31Speaker 00

  We may make sweet wed rolls. To boom sour penny. Ripe strawberries ripe.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  Yo, yo, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. Just kidding, every word in his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Oh, hello.

• 1:00Speaker 00

  Um.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  It's time for your fav-, your second, in your top 10 podcasts that you would consider listening to on a weekly basis, the Wolf Hand Howl.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  Rummage rug on Ethan, Tom Davis. Um, that was a nice chat actually coming into this.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Well fun.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Unusable.

• 1:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, unusable.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Uh, how are you? I've got, let me just get this out there, I've got nothing.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  What do you mean you've got nothing?

• 1:25Speaker 01

  Sometimes I think, oh, what might I say today? Today I haven't.

• 1:28Speaker 00

  What, there's been nothing that's happened in the, in the world.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  I had a full medical actually.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  You've come to this podcast with, with the drippings of a full ma-, uh.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Did, did you? Did you have to have a medical for your tour?

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Not for my tour.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I did.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. To get insured on the tour, I had to have a full medical.

• 1:49Speaker 00

  Your tour's bigger than, well, we could pull my tour, it's not gonna cost.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  I think it's because you're covered by sitcom stuff. Unfortunately for me, I'm very much a one trick pony. And not everybody likes that trick. So, so whereas you're, you're a bit of a polymath.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Says the guy who's in the biggest show on TV.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  You don't have to have a, ability to be on traitors.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Mate.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Do you?

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Mate, the cherry pick the best of the best and Ross Kemp.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  You're putting me in a very comprom-, you're regularly on this podcast now putting me in a very compromised position and you know you are. You're being a little shit. Aren't you? Aren't you being a little shit?

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, I am being, I'm being facetious.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  What are you being?

• 2:27Speaker 00

  A little shit. I've got a shit, I've got a shit, little shit vibe about me.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  One of my dad's, I, I think I talked about this on my other podcast.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  But one of my dad's friends used to do this thing like, you shouldn't behave like that, you're a good boy. You are a good? And then you have to finish a sentence. And even though you knew that he did that all the time, and we took the piss out of him afterwards, it still felt good.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  To finish a sentence.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  You are a good?

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Boy.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I'm a good boy.

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, but, so, so you've had to do a proper insurance thing?

• 2:56Speaker 01

  I went, what the fuck are you doing, John?

• 2:59Speaker 00

  John, John.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  What the fuck is the magpie up to? You nearly knocked the whole fucking set over, you lunatic.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Tom's mic was just fizzing. So I just gone to stop it fizzing, but it was stuck under the set.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  John sounds so apologetic.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's so sweet, bless him.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  Well, he's actually doing, he's actually doing good work.

• 3:15Speaker 00

  He's doing good work, great work.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Do you know what that, I did, to be fair, I'll take that on the chin. That feels like, when John feels like it, he can keys and gray me.

• 3:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  And just, and, and just release that footage.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  That was barbaric, the way you went on, poor John.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  I mean, yeah.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  Well, he just needs to sort of.

• 3:30Speaker 00

  I think it's worth saying, obviously, John uses this set, when you take the curtains down, it is, uh, John's OnlyFans, uh, John the Magpie set.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  Behind here, there are so many sex toys, you would not believe. Most of them, black and white striped.

• 3:45Speaker 04

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• 4:09Speaker 05

  So good, so good, so good.

• 4:11Speaker 06

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• 4:28Speaker 00

  And, and weirdly actually, segueing from your, your last conversation, John's catchphrase is, I'm a bad boy.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  What am I?

• 4:35Speaker 01

  What's the one you enjoy, what's the one you enjoy lubing up the most? The zebra, zebra don, is that what you call it?

• 4:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, though it's got a number nine on it. Yeah, actually talking about this is a really weird thing.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Go on.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  I was at a function the other night and got chatting to this guy.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  My god.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  What?

• 4:48Speaker 01

  Why is that, how's that got into your vernacular now? Function?

• 4:51Speaker 00

  It was a function, it was like, it wasn't really a party, it was a meeting.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  What was it?

• 4:54Speaker 00

  I don't know, it was just a sort of gathering, I guess.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, but what I mean is.

• 4:57Speaker 00

  We were gathering from people from sort of our business, people who are sort of like entrepreneurs and stuff.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Why do I never get invites to stuff like that?

• 5:04Speaker 00

  You probably do, but you don't go.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  I don't see these, I don't see, I don't see these.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  I'm, I'm trying to drag myself up the grapevine, trying to fucking get in, fucking, just have a little sniff about, do you know what?

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, you're scratching around, aren't you? You've got fucking, oh, I can't, do you know what? Let's just call it now, you're too successful for this shtick, all right?

• 5:27Speaker 00

  No, I know, yeah, yeah, I'm doing all right, I'm doing okay.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  It's, it's, it's, it's actually annoying.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  More of a managerial thing, okay? Which, by the way, also, um.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  So what was it? Were you all looking into the legal ramifications of the claims you made that are unsubstantiated?

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, yeah, well, basically, yeah.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  You, you, anti-aging products?

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, just, yeah. All the scumbags in one room.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  You know what I did though? I tried to start a comedic riff, couldn't think of anything, any examples at all, absolute fucking dead end.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  You seem like you're really down about this.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Anti-aging products. What a fucking prick.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  You. Anti-aging products. Fucking hell, get me onto the improv. Get me onto the improv circuit stat. Do you want, I'll tell you what Rom's good at, one half-assed yes hand, and then falling completely silent before chastising himself for 15 minutes. And feeling sad about his lack of ability.

• 6:29Speaker 00

  Um, so that, so I'm there at this thing, this guy comes up to me.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  Entrepreneurs function.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, he comes up to me, it was me, I don't know, this is fucking, he comes up to me and he basically starts chatting to me.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  And then he said, have you ever thought about launching a dildo? Like your own dildo of you?

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  And I was like, what do you mean? He said, because obviously your bald head and stuff.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  So you're, so rather than it's molded on your dick, your body becomes the dildo?

• 6:51Speaker 00

  My head and my body is the dildo.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  I said, no, never.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  How long have you been chatting to this guy before he suggested that?

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Probably 15, 20 minutes.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  That's fine.

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  I, I thought if it was like.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  But he'd sort of sidled up.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  And he obviously had something, he had an intention in his way.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  And he's just sort of like, we came over and he sort of, you know, and he sort of, he giggled his way through it, like he wasn't sure about our relationship. But then he starts going into like how you'd manufacture it, how we could potentially get into designs, get a prototype and stuff.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Why does it, is there a market for that?

• 7:19Speaker 00

  I've not seen another dildo in shape of the human being.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  You have.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Like a bobble head, basically, but it's a dildo.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  And then what, did you open it up in this bubble bath and it? Do, do you remember, do you remember those?

• 7:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, they were great.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Fucking so good, right?

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Ninja turtle ones.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. But they would be like one of those, but yeah, it would be like a dildo.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  I had a Homer Simpson alarm clock.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Like full figurine.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  How old were you?

• 7:42Speaker 01

  When was it? How old's Charlie? No, when I was like, when I was, I don't know, a teenager or something. So too old.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Wasn't your go-to Bart first?

• 7:50Speaker 01

  No. Who told you that?

• 7:52Speaker 00

  No, Bart was my, until I got of an age.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Bart was the person I'd look towards.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Everybody, if you can do the Bart man.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Oh, my god, that's true. Bart Simpson.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  Hey, how was happening dude? I'm a guy with a rap for being rude. Terrorizing people wherever I go. It's not intention, just go with the flow.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  That was, Bart Simpson had so much about him.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, he did, he did. Well, he didn't really.

• 8:15Speaker 00

  He did, he was a great kid.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  Homer Simpson, I was, but home, you, if you're a teenager and you're mid-teens getting into Homer Simpson, that's a bizarre thing.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  I did like Homer. I mean, I think Homer's a, I don't think there's any doubt about it that Homer, he's the funniest character.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  But I have to relate to a character before I can really eat them.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Oh, I see, right. Yeah, I don't eat my alarm clock.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  That's what it's suggesting.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  So did you used to have like one night stands and you'd have like your Homer Simpson alarm clock there?

• 8:42Speaker 01

  Pardon? Yeah, what I would do is I'd start having sex and I would set the alarm for about seven minutes after we started. So he'd say do as I came.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  No, but like, it's, I remember, um.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Tom, I don't think I've ever had a one night stand.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  You've never had a one night stand?

• 9:00Speaker 01

  I remember so.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  You're joking?

• 9:02Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  I've had some terrible ones.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  I have one, we're really talking about Homer Simpson, I was telling a recap of you about Homer Simpson. And as I'm taking a recap, I genuinely just had this cold, my blood went cold.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  I had an awful one where, oh my god, I don't know if I've told this story before on here.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Um, I've met this girl at a bar in.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  It's about papery?

• 9:25Speaker 00

  Uh, no, bag, we've just completely gone full.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Christmas tree smell of piss, don't they?

• 9:33Speaker 00

  And I've, I've met this, this, this woman and we would go back to her house. We have this one night stand and I remember sort of waking up and I was half a wa-. I'm sure I must have told this story before.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Is she on the phone?

• 9:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  And talking about what a sad fucking prick you are.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, have I told this story before?

• 9:57Speaker 01

  No, but it was, uh, no, I just guessed that's how it would go. Yeah. Yeah, you have told me that before.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  So what, what, what exactly?

• 10:03Speaker 00

  But I was wearing Homer Simpson pants.

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Like boxer shorts and she was saying, oh look, she was going, oh god, this is just a fucking low. Um, you know, since I split up with whatever boyfriend was called.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  So she wasn't slagging off, she was really upset?

• 10:19Speaker 00

  She was really upset, she was just more like, what am I doing? I got drunk, I've had a one night stand with this fucking loser, he's wearing Homer Simpson pants. It's just laying in bed pretending to be asleep and just thinking, I don't want her to feel even worse and feel like awkward if she looks at me, I'm awake.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Um, but also at some point I'm gonna have to wake up, I can't just lay here all day. Uh, sort of doing that sort of gentle.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  So you were helping her out?

• 10:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I just didn't wanna get up and then she, um.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  What was happening to your self-esteem as you were?

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Oh, my self-esteem was where it's all, you know, and to be fair, I was like, oh, you know, oh, that's quite cool, I had one night stand, you know. I, I actually thought we'd had quite a laugh, I thought, oh, this might go somewhere, it might be a relationship here.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  This is a sad thing for me, I'm like, no, imagine we'll probably have Christmas at her parents' this year and probably mine next year. I wonder if she likes Halloween parties, we could probably do a cool joint Halloween party, get you, yeah, I, I'd sort of like, I was gone sort of ten steps in the future.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:21Speaker 00

  Uh.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  Big red flag that, if you don't mind me saying.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, massive red, I obviously didn't said that to her.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  No, but even the fact, even the fact that you were thinking it, it's pretty big red.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I just, I just thought, yeah, someone showed an interest.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I get it.

• 11:32Speaker 00

  Very much like any friendship.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, if, if somebody touches your penis, let's have a Halloween party, I get it, it's natural.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  It was May, we had time to prep it, um, and then, yeah, I had to lay there and then, and then she sort of was like, oh, you know, I think I'm gonna have to wake him up type thing. And then she came in, I was like, oh.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  So, hold on, where was she?

• 11:52Speaker 00

  She was sort of just out, like, she lived in a flat and she was just sort of.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  She was out in the corridor, so she wasn't in bed, because that would have been incredibly, that would have been a real dick.

• 11:59Speaker 00

  She was just like, I think it was like a lounge, do you remember, she was in, with the door open. So probably she could keep her, I'd see if I'd woken up or not.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I was dying for piss as well, so I couldn't have one in her house, so I thought that, you know.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Was there any part of you that was, um, would contemplated mentioning that you'd heard what she said?

• 12:20Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Because I think I would have said something.

• 12:24Speaker 00

  You'd have said something?

• 12:25Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  How the fuck would you say something to that?

• 12:27Speaker 01

  I'd say something quite sympathetic, but also just letting her know that I heard that.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  I've got that courage of self.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  I don't either, but it's pretty, it's horrible thing that you went through.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Are we doing a thing now? Because obviously we've already talked about this on the pre-video version of this, well, not pre-video, but like when we were Zooming.

• 12:45Speaker 00

  No, I'd literally not.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  I think what we should do is, we should do it like they do with the old classic records, remaster all the stories.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  So what we do, John, you can go through all of the old episodes and go, why don't you, why don't we reheat this up? And then we don't have to bother coming up with new content.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  I think it's good for your sense, your self, sense of self to come out with new, like, anyway, we started talking about your medical, we've, we've talked about awful. I've got one of the most saddest nights of my life.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Well, obviously I'm incredibly paranoid about those sort of things, I don't wanna be, uh, told that they felt, you know, you're slightly nervous.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  How detailed was the insurance, like the, the medical check?

• 13:22Speaker 01

  They had to do a neu- neurological exam, blood test, uh, they had to do.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Hold up, do you, this isn't you just going to have one of those scans at all the big celebrities like Alison Hammond is doing?

• 13:31Speaker 01

  No, no, no, this is like, no, no, no, this is genuinely for tour insurance.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Um, I had to have an ECG.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Um.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Blood pressure?

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Blood pressure.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  That was a blood pressure?

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Perfect, apparently.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Can I say, I had a blood pressure thing for a job I'm doing at the moment and mine was really high because I panicked.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  I think they take that into account, don't they?

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, he, he did it three times.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Mine's nearer being too low than too high.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Too low?

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  That means you're chilled out, right?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  I guess so.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Oh my god, you're such a cool guy.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Um.

• 14:00Speaker 00

  Uh, I think my blood pressure would suggest I'm a pretty cool guy. Theo, dad's blood pressure's low.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  So I had two examinations, two separate examinations.

• 14:10Speaker 00

  Two doctors?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Do you have a favourite?

• 14:13Speaker 01

  No, well, one of them was a nurse.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Nursery doctor, so she did the ECG, well, have you had one of those, the stickers all over?

• 14:21Speaker 00

  I've told that story on the.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I was, I was teeing you up to just warm it up again.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  Well, no, the panic attack for my wedding, I was like, I had the sunbed.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  She put all the stickers on my body.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Um, she took the bloods.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  Um, she connected me up to the ECG.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  That, she did that quite quickly, she said, all good.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  And then she said, do you wanna take the stickers off? And then I thought, oh, did you find, she must have found it that disgusting putting the stickers on, right? So I took the stickers off.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  Slowly, seductively?

• 14:52Speaker 01

  A little bit, unbroken eye contact, I thought was the best way to do it. Um, and then, um, and then what else did she test?

• 15:00Speaker 00

  Did you have your blood tool done?

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Oh, weighed me and measured me, oh, here we go, I'm not six foot, that's the big revelation.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Five twelve?

• 15:07Speaker 01

  Five twelve is six foot, Tom.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Oh my god, oh, I'm having a ricker.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  Five eleven, I am.

• 15:25Speaker 00

  Five eleven?

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  So you're shrinking, you're at that age?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  I don't know if I'm shrinking or just the original measurement was just wrong, I don't, I mean, I don't regularly measure.

• 15:32Speaker 00

  What about your weight, what they're saying?

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Uh, I am firmly in the overweight category.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  You're not obese, though?

• 15:38Speaker 01

  Not obese, no, but I'm overweight.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  Prostate, do you have a look at that?

• 15:42Speaker 01

  Hmm, well, we did.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  They could do it through blood now.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  We, we did that afterwards, just, it wasn't part of the tour insurance thing. Then, he did the thing where he hits the, he hits the, he hits the hammer on your knee.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Hits the hammer on your arms.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  He, he did a thing where I had to put both my feet together.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  And then close my eyes for some reason.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  What?

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Then he said a thing where you put your hands out, put your hands out in front of you.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Right, close your eyes and I'm just gonna push your hand and you put it back up to where you think it should be.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck.

• 16:15Speaker 00

  What?

• 16:16Speaker 01

  That's a really bad, okay, let's do the other one. Jesus, I don't know, he never told me what the result, he said that seems fun.

• 16:24Speaker 00

  Fucking with you.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Hmm?

• 16:25Speaker 00

  He's fucking with you then.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  And then he said.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  He's basically going, going to his mate, I had that wanker in the day, you know, he thinks he's all that.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  Then they did a, they did a hernia check.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  Hernia check?

• 16:37Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 16:37Speaker 00

  They rub you up and down like?

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then you have to do two good coughs.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Like in pretty.

• 16:42Speaker 00

  Is that a fucking hernia check?

• 16:44Speaker 01

  He put, he put his hand like, it's on, I think it's, where'd you get the hernia done? On the shaft of the penis, because that's where he had his.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Depends how active it is.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, so it's, they can emerge in the gooch, can't they? Because he had to examine that as well.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Um, but.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  It's here and here now.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's where he checks, that's where he checks.

• 17:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  He said you're, he said you're tip top.

• 17:04Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  But they haven't had the bloods back yet.

• 17:06Speaker 00

  The blood's had a big one.

• 17:07Speaker 01

  Then he, then we start talking about peptides.

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 17:10Speaker 00

  Okay, okay, what do you know about peptides, my friend?

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Well, I don't really know anything, I just said, it's the last time I was there, because I'd had to have a medical for something else.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  Be careful, careful of them, you, do it under, don't just buy them off a guy on the internet.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  No, I'm not gonna have peptides.

• 17:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  So what happened was is the last time I saw him.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  I, I hadn't started like trying to slim down a bit.

• 17:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:34Speaker 01

  And, um, he said to me, you're carrying a bit of, I think we talked about this, you're carrying a bit of midriff.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Flab, he didn't say it like that, so then when I went back, I said to him, oh, by the way, just so you know, last time I was here, he told me that I was carrying a bit of timber around my midriff. As in disproportionate, it's a South Asian thing.

• 17:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  We are genetically predisposed to store more fat around our stomachs, right? And so you have to be more careful of that, because that is, that can lead to heart disease, et cetera, et cetera. So the last time I was there, he's Asian, he said to me, look, you're carrying the signs of this could be a problem for you as you get older if you don't sort this out.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  He sounds like a good guy, by the way.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  He was a good guy, so when I went back, I said to him, look, I've tried to work on it for health reasons and it's actually started, I've noticed the difference, it's started to make a difference. And he said, great, carry on doing that, and then I said, last time I saw you, you mentioned peptides. No, because what happened was he'd finished the medical, but we still had time in the appointment, so he goes, is there anything you wanna ask me? So I said, um, oh, you know, you mentioned peptides last time, and what he said was, you should only use peptides. And apparently you can, peptides can do pretty much fucking anything.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, amazing.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  So, but, but what he said to me is, only use peptides if you've exhausted, if like, if you've done all of the other lifestyle things.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Then you can think about doing peptides, but he, he said, yeah, we could do it if you want, but I don't want to.

• 18:52Speaker 00

  Be careful, you're looking good, you're looking well, and then medical science will back me up on this.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  Hmm, that I'm looking good, I don't think medical science would back you up that I'm looking good.

• 19:03Speaker 00

  You're in good nick.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  I'm fucking so addicted to the moment, to those fucking Percy pigs, it's insane.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  Gratz talked to me and he said, do you know how many, in each Percy pig, there's thirty eight calories?

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Well, I told him that, but now I've discovered that that's untrue.

• 19:25Speaker 00

  How many is in each?

• 19:26Speaker 01

  For every two, I believe it's forty eight calories.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  That is insane. How many are you eating roughly, if you, if you sit with a?

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Well, if I'm not thinking about it, which I am now, if I'm not thinking about it, twenty?

• 19:38Speaker 00

  Easy.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Easily.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  Easy to eat a packet on my own.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  Twenty eight to thirty calories per Percy pig.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Twenty eight to thirty?

• 19:46Speaker 00

  How many in a packet?

• 19:47Speaker 01

  I reckon twenty five?

• 19:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I eat a packet, if I'm going on a long journey.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 19:52Speaker 00

  A packet's gone.

• 19:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's a problem, isn't it?

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, because they're so.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  They're so delicious.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're incredible. I could sometimes have two packs of those.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Fifty.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  They, uh, when I was doing Parents Evening, because Wrangell Bay.

• 20:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Have discovered that I like Percy pigs so much.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, then Ben Green is nothing but a filthy little dealer.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  So when I was doing Parents Evening, every day in my dressing room, they would put a family bag of Percy pigs. A family bag. And I was there from nine in the morning till ten at night.

• 20:26Speaker 00

  Family bag gone.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Family bag gone. Next day, so what happened was the first day I arrived for filming.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  You know, this is like one of those old school Hollywood, like you're like Marilyn Monroe.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:37Speaker 00

  Like you're, you're the talent, you're this sexy bombshell.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, they made me walk over like a great.

• 20:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  With something short on.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  Little curve, high shorts.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  When I saw the family bag, this is how, this is how stupid I am. I thought, let me just finish it today. If I finish this today.

• 20:53Speaker 00

  It'll be gone.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  That's my Percy pig problem. Done.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  With big, big hitters.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  Idiot. Next day I turn up, whole new fucking family bag.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  That's what they used to do to those old school Hollywood starlets.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  They're trying to kill me, man.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  It's killing you, but it's how they used to get through, they used to give them cocaine and drugs.

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  And now they look at it and go, you know, oh, Romesh just felt a little bit off today. Go and get him some Percy pigs. Get him in his room.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  I had the same thing with, um, because what happens is Flo.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  Is really good at saying, I'll just say, no, Rom loves these snacks, right? So she will say.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  I've got no one in my fucking corner doing that.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  You've got Flo?

• 21:26Speaker 00

  No Flo, but no one, maybe Catherine's had a word.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, so.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  By the way, here is the place I come to have snacks. Those, those pop chips, they're amazing.

• 21:35Speaker 01

  So what, so we have pop chips here.

• 21:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  And you love them, and you hadn't eaten them before, I don't think.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  I've never had them before.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  Right. So then what happened is, is you are, you said to Catherine.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  I said to Catherine, these.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  You described these things.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  No, they're called proper chips. So pop chips is what Catherine got.

• 21:50Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 21:51Speaker 00

  So these are proper chips.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  No, pop chips are nice though.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  Not as nice as proper chips.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  So are those proper chips?

• 21:57Speaker 00

  These are proper chips.

• 21:58Speaker 03

  What we've got is proper chips.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Oh, I see.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  Pop chips are the round ones.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  They're just, but if you've had, for me.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Delicious, but.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  Not, the proper chips, I'm sorry, just absolutely. So I said to Catherine, I think they're called pop chips. She buys me some pop chips. I get them and then lovely, they're just not the same.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  I just want to step in if I may. Okay, the, the story you've just told.

• 22:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  I think Catherine's pretty blameless in that story.

• 22:23Speaker 00

  Oh, she's blameless?

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's not the tone that you brought pre podcast.

• 22:29Speaker 01

  You were like, fuck, you know, so this, so this is actually.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  Starve, Ca.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. I've said to her, I want proper chips. She can't fucking read to save her life. So she gets me a load of pop chips.

• 22:40Speaker 00

  Catherine has done it, brought exactly what I said to get, because I didn't, I forgot what they were called.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  Days are rough, they're not the right thing, but she's like.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Pop chips are delicious though.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  But they're not as good, but proper chips are incredible. I can't, I can't fake it.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  Proper chips are good.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Once I, once I have a taste in something I adore.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  That's it.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  You can't fake it, you're not Catherine, right? What, but you know, the, there's a spicy, there's one flavour of.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  It's a barbecue one.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  Barbecue pop chips.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  They're nice enough.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Elite.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  Not as good as any proper chips.

• 23:10Speaker 03

  Agreed.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Not as good as any proper chips. I'm sorry, the proper chips are incredible.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  I think, I, I agree with you for most flavours of pop chips. I think pop, pop chips barbecue can go toe to toe with pretty much.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  You could put barbecue on anything. You could smother your feet in barbecue sauce, I'd lick it off. I think it's like barbecue just.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  I don't, can I just say, a little advice for you, don't use what you would do as a litmus test for the general, for what people would generally do. Because there's, there's lots of things that you would do, that, that is not, that is not an indication of what most people would do.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  Would you not lick barbecue sauce?

• 23:42Speaker 01

  Would I lick barbecue sauce off your feet?

• 23:43Speaker 00

  Of someone?

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Fuck, no.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  My feet are a train wreck, although very desired within the internet community. Um, where we, we look, remember?

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Oh, on WikiFeet?

• 23:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, WikiFeet.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  That doesn't mean very desired, it means like four incels decided to fucking score your feet. That doesn't mean they're very desired on the internet.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  Fucking score them high.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  So, yeah, as feet goes, they're a desired fucking foot within the industry.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  They're not, okay, fine. I, I can't be bothered to argue about this. So yes, desired by the industry.

• 24:14Speaker 00

  But can I say that at the moment, like, you know, I wouldn't let you do that, I wouldn't want you to do that. I, I think too much for you. Let's just say John's got it all over his feet, all right? John, let's just say.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  I just, did you see what I did with my eyes? As he said that, I went like this.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  Just say that John's.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  I first looked at the face, see, if his face is like that, how cleaner his feet look?

• 24:35Speaker 00

  He, I think John, I think you could lick John all over and you wouldn't taste a bit of sweat.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  He looks pretty hygienic.

• 24:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's really hygienic. But John basically is doing some painting in the office, right? He takes off his socks and shoes. Um.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  To paint?

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  What do you think my job is?

• 24:52Speaker 01

  Is he, are you doing that artistic painting?

• 24:54Speaker 00

  No, no, he's painting the walls of the office.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  Okay, first of all, why would he be painting the walls in the office?

• 24:59Speaker 00

  Right, you're moving into the new office, right?

• 25:01Speaker 01

  Still wouldn't be painting, it still wouldn't be John.

• 25:02Speaker 03

  We all ship in at Wrangell Bay.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Ben Green turns around and says, oh, you know, bloody hell, we need this, this room painted by tomorrow and I can't get a painter or decorator. I know Johnny the Magpie, he's one of the most dedicated human beings I've ever met. John goes, I've done a bit of painting and decorating before, I can step in there, mate. So he basically says he will.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  Congratulations, John. You're getting one of Tom's shit impressions of you.

• 25:26Speaker 00

  So, so then he takes off his socks and shoes because he's got a, he's painting the ceiling.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  Right.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Right? Zoe from the office buys a whole big vat of barbecue sauce because she knows you like it, right? As John is doing it, John puts his foot back in the big vat of barbecue sauce.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  Which is open on the floor?

• 25:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  You come into the office, right? You're like, da, da, da, da, da, I hope that painting's going to work, John. And John goes.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  You, by the way, by the way, you've turned it up a bit there. There's a bit of clag in the back of your throat as you did that.

• 25:59Speaker 00

  John goes, go blimey, Ron, mate, you won't believe it. I've bloody got my foot in some barbecue, gone in some barbecue sauce. Would you help John by licking it off his foot at that point?

• 26:09Speaker 01

  I don't see how that helps John. How, how does that help John?

• 26:14Speaker 00

  Because John's going to feel silly when Zoe and everyone comes in and he's got barbecue sauce on his foot.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, because we don't have what, running water at the office?

• 26:21Speaker 00

  No, but you've moved into a new office and the running water's broken.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the one thing that we said, that's the one thing we said, is if we're going to move offices, let's make sure there's no running water.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  That's the first thing we want.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  As you've moved in, the janitor's gone, oh, you're bloody here a day early. Yeah, mate, we've got to get this bloody room painted.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  Right? Um, you're like, I'll give him a break for crying out loud. And then. So he says, look, the running water's only going to be on tomorrow, mate. I can't get it on today. So there's no running water.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  So John now is worried that he's going to march barbecue sauce all through the office.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 26:53Speaker 00

  Zoe, obviously, you know, she's just had the carpet.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Can I just say as a counterpoint?

• 26:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  I would say insane decision to decide to paint the walls when you know there's no running water.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  No, but you had to get it done to, and they've just had a new carpet laid, so John can't walk through the carpet, he might get barbecue sauce on the carpet.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  What's he fucking painting for?

• 27:13Speaker 00

  Like, this is a very hypothetical situation.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I know. Zoe's brought a vat of barbecue sauce that she's left on the floor, open, and John has taken his shoes and socks off to paint the office himself on a day where there's no running water at the office. It's, it's whatever you can do to make the only solution me licking the barbecue sauce off his feet.

• 27:40Speaker 06

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• 28:06Speaker 07

  Bonjour, compadre. It's the.

• 28:10Speaker 07

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• 28:37Speaker 00

  No, but would you do it to help him out?

• 28:40Speaker 01

  If John, if, okay, here's a much more realistic one. If, if somebody said, I'm going to kill John unless you lick the barbecue sauce, some guy.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  How's that realistic? What kind of psychopaths doing that? Mine's a far more realistic situation. You're going to get a nutcase running here now and get a gun and go, right, fucking, I want to shoot John in the head. And we go, no, don't, we, not Johnny the Magpie. And then he, he slurs barbecue sauce over his feet and goes, oh, you, lick it off.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. But I, I, I know you've done that to prove a point. It already feels so much more plausible than the fucking insane scenario that you created.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Would you, you'd still do it?

• 29:22Speaker 01

  If the, with a gun?

• 29:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. If John said to me, oh, I'm in a bit of.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  John would be begging for this, mate.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  I'm in a bit of a pickle here, right? I've dipped my, I've dipped my foot in the open vat of barbecue sauce that Zoe left out. Would you lick it off? No. Not only would that not happen, John and I then have to have a series of conversations about what's fucking appropriate chat around the workplace.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  How's work today, love? I think I've given Romesh the ump. You know, I was painting.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  I stepped in a vat of barbecue sauce that Sweet Zoe had left.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  I also, from this conversation, I'm pretty sure you don't know what a vat is.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  A big round vat, right?

• 30:14Speaker 01

  A big round vat?

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, like a vat, you know, isn't it?

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I would say it's unlikely if we had a vat of barbecue sauce that John's only gonna get in up to his ankle. A vat.

• 30:28Speaker 00

  Well, it's like that big.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  Fucking, the Joker in Batman fell into a vat of acid.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  One of the best scenes in any Batman.

• 30:35Speaker 01

  For sure.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay, yeah, I mean, it's probably like a big, Zoe's made it at home.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  Zoe, Zoe, has homemade barbecue sauce that she's left open.

• 30:46Speaker 00

  Zoe, one of the kindest women you'd ever meet, right?

• 30:48Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  An absolute gem of a person. She's like, oh, there's a bloody new office opening. Um, I'm gonna make some of my homemade barbecue sauce. I'll make everything and we can all dip bread in it.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then Zoe's husband says, do you wanna put a lid on that? Nah. I'm gonna carry it open all the way to the, to the new office, where they've put the new carpet.

• 31:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, can I just say?

• 31:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Any tube that you're on, if you're on a tube that usually stink and has that sort of musty horrible smell, if you've got someone there with a lovely smelling homemade barbecue sauce, straight away, that's the best journey. Yeah, the journey you've ever had.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  That's a story, that, no, can I tell you, can I tell you what happens? When that happens, people go home.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  And they'll go, I think I've had it with the tube. Why? Because if it wasn't bad enough, it being crowded and rammed, there was a fucking lunatic on there today with a massive, open container of barbecue sauce. And some big oaf man stuck his finger in it and said, that's delicious. It's really warmed my heart, knowing that people are making their own barbecue sauce. So do you know what? That's two weirdos too many for me to use public transport anymore. That's what happened. That's the sort of thing where you go, Lisa would come home after seeing that and you go, you will not fucking believe it. What I saw on the tube today.

• 32:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, but is there not one bit of you who goes, oh, that's nice, someone's made some barbecue sauce?

• 32:16Speaker 01

  No, if it's sealed.

• 32:17Speaker 00

  I've never seen a woman, by the way.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  It was sealed and it was all covered up. No, and I saw a woman on the tube and she had a big lasagna. And I was like, oh, that's delicious. And she said, I've made it for everyone in the office. I was like, that made me feel so happy.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  I bet it did. Not the same, okay?

• 32:35Speaker 01

  It's not the same. Somebody's got an open container of barbecue sauce. And is carrying it on the fucking tube. It's not the same as somebody that's made a closed off lasagna that they've made for their work. So I go, well, you know, uh.

• 32:49Speaker 00

  I don't wanna dig Zoe out, I don't wanna, poor Zoe, because she's, she's an absolute, Zoe didn't have a lid big enough. Like, she's, like, she's like, where's the bloody lid for that tupperware? You know, and they're like, oh, oh, I think we used it as a sledge last Christmas, right? So then she.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  Tom, Tom, Tom, the idea that you would go, where's bloody hell? Where's the lid for this tupperware? I don't know. Okay, I'll just carry it open. That, that's, that, that's the result of that conversation.

• 33:16Speaker 00

  What else is she supposed to do? Put it in Ziploc bags, I guess.

• 33:18Speaker 01

  Or find another fucking container.

• 33:20Speaker 00

  To be, or put in a Ziploc, some of those Ziploc bags, yeah.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Right.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  And just put those in a bag.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Is that what's got you unstuck now?

• 33:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I, I actually think if I saw some, someone coming along the street with a big, open thing of barbecue sauce or sort of some sort of nice mince, I think, oh, that's a really, that's a homely thing.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 33:38Speaker 00

  And, and, oh, that's delicious.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  No. First of all, that's, that's even madder than having it in the open container.

• 33:46Speaker 00

  What, you wouldn't do a dippy finger?

• 33:47Speaker 01

  A dippy finger into a massive thing of barbecue sauce?

• 33:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Ruining the whole thing?

• 33:53Speaker 00

  Imagine joking. But watch that bloody open thing of barbecue sauce. You don't want anyone slipping in that.

• 34:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, don't worry, I'll put it somewhere safe. Doesn't know this bloody lunatics. Got his socks and shoes off.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  Where do you stand, just actually quickly, on dippy fingers?

• 34:13Speaker 01

  First of all, dippy fingers, alongside racism, in terms of how I feel about them.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  What?

• 34:19Speaker 01

  Dipping your fingers into a shared sauce?

• 34:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, just going at it.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  Are you fu, and you licked your finger first, you?

• 34:26Speaker 00

  No, no, I'm getting some, no, this is.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  What are you doing? Hold on, where are we? Where are we?

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Right, okay, right. There's a soiree, right?

• 34:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 34:35Speaker 00

  Uh.

• 34:36Speaker 01

  So what's the difference between a soiree and a function?

• 34:38Speaker 00

  A soiree is close to friends, everyone knows each other, right? Uh, I don't know, it's Josh and Rosie Whittaker.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Okay, I would say.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  I don't know how close you really are, because her name is Rose.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  I'm not being invited, you are.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  Okay, fine. So I'm there.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  You're there.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  But you're there as well.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  I'm not there.

• 34:57Speaker 01

  I don't know, I don't see how dippy fingers are gonna be involved in this story.

• 35:00Speaker 00

  If I'm not there. Okay, okay, let's just go, let's go someone else, someone else.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Rob and Lucy Beckett?

• 35:12Speaker 00

  Um, okay, it's Martin Kemp and his wife.

• 35:16Speaker 01

  Fine.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  Right? They have invited loads of people around, because you know Roman quite well, you get invited with Lisa, right?

• 35:23Speaker 01

  Right.

• 35:23Speaker 00

  Um, Martin, what we see and goes, hello, mate, are you all right? You well? Big Gunner fan, ain't you? You're a big Arsenal fan?

• 35:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, is this a role play now?

• 35:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  Oh, sorry, right, yeah.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  I am, yeah.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, no, no, very good win last year in the old Premier League.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, it was good, yeah. Might be a couple more with what's going on with Man City.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  Oh, I've not heard of that. What's happened?

• 35:44Speaker 01

  Well, it's a hundred and fifteen charges in it, they're almost certainly guilty of a hundred and fourteen.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  You kidding me?

• 35:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  No one told me about that. I have to keep my ear to the ground.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Well, they very rarely tell people one at a time. It's in the news, Martin.

• 35:56Speaker 00

  I, I should imagine you've got your ear to the ground with everything going on in your life.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 36:01Speaker 00

  Well, you're busy, ain't you? You're always.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, so are you, aren't you?

• 36:04Speaker 00

  Well, I'm busy enough.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  Who's this beautiful lady?

• 36:10Speaker 01

  That's Lisa, my wife.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  Oh, hello, love. Oh, you, you all right?

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  Come in, come in. Um, we've got, you know, everyone, I think, didn't you? My brother and all that.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, we sat behind your brother at the Carabao Cup final, actually.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, he said, he said, what a laugh you were.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, we didn't really talk.

• 36:34Speaker 00

  Well, we lost the game though, didn't you?

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Oh, bloody hell.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. Your family's Arsenal as well, aren't they? So it feels weird that you're sort of distancing us from this.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  No, no, I'm an Arsenal fan as well. Anyhow, anyhow, um, by all means, come in, come in. Uh, what's mine is yours, taken as you like, when it comes to the food, some vegan snacks and stuff. The barbecue sauce is delicious, have a taste.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  I'm fine, thank you.

• 36:59Speaker 00

  Have a little taste.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Um, I'm all right.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Would you like a spoon?

• 37:05Speaker 01

  Um, look, I'll try it in a bit, thank you.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:09Speaker 00

  Hummus?

• 37:10Speaker 01

  No, I'm good, thanks. Who does that? Tom? Nobody would do that.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  I, I, have you never been at a dinner party?

• 37:18Speaker 01

  Tell me when you, okay, look, this is not, your example, that by the way, took so fucking long to set up, right?

• 37:26Speaker 00

  I forgot we were there.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can tell that. Oh, come in, come in, you're talking to my wife, you're talking about the.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  I might give you another character, because you always complain, I thought you'd have two characters.

• 37:36Speaker 01

  Anyway, you, you, the whole point is, you think dippy fingers are okay.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:42Speaker 01

  So tell me when you are dipping your finger in stuff.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  Catherine has a sauce.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Okay, I think Catherine's a bit different.

• 37:49Speaker 00

  Me and you are out for a curry.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, thank you. You dip your finger into my curry?

• 37:54Speaker 00

  The edge of your plate, where the gravy is, right?

• 37:57Speaker 01

  If you want to try some.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  I'll, I'll give you a little spoon of it.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  John, where do you stand on dippy fingers?

• 38:03Speaker 01

  John, don't, don't.

• 38:04Speaker 03

  If someone's dipping their fingers in my food.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  It's disgusting, thank you. That's all, he doesn't even need to finish the sentence.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  It's disgusting.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  Someone once that I worked with, um, I was eating a little, uh, rady mail curry, because it was a busy day. And, um, there was a, like, I was getting to the last bit of chicken, and they walked along and picked up the bit of chicken.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  What?

• 38:26Speaker 03

  Literally picked it up and ate it.

• 38:28Speaker 00

  That's different.

• 38:28Speaker 01

  That's, I mean, that's.

• 38:29Speaker 03

  It was like, they were like, that's banter.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think, I think a dippy finger is flirting, taking the last bit of chicken is impressive.

• 38:36Speaker 01

  Dippy finger is not flirting, bro.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  Okay, you, that, right, you go out for dinner.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  Don't, don't, by the way, don't roll your eyes at me.

• 38:44Speaker 00

  Right, can I just say, you're out for dinner with Lisa, right?

• 38:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:46Speaker 00

  Right, you're sitting there, you're.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  Well, if I'm out for dinner with Lisa, let me clear, I'll tell you now, it's not flirting.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  Right, you sit like that and you're going, oh, wow, mm, this Peking jackfruit is absolutely delicious, right? What?

• 39:00Speaker 01

  No, it doesn't matter.

• 39:02Speaker 00

  What?

• 39:02Speaker 01

  No, it doesn't, it doesn't matter.

• 39:03Speaker 00

  What?

• 39:04Speaker 01

  Because people don't realise, they think you're a nice guy, you do these little subtle shade things that people don't, it's.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  What, what? What's wrong with that?

• 39:13Speaker 01

  No, you're being a mean girl now.

• 39:14Speaker 00

  No, not being a Peking jackfruit. What? That would be a nice dish.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  Okay, carry on.

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Is that not a nice dish? Is jackfruit not delicious?

• 39:21Speaker 01

  Jackfruit is delicious, yeah.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  Would a Peking sauce?

• 39:24Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't know.

• 39:25Speaker 00

  Come on, I think, what I had to do, I have to sit here and go, what's a vegan dish with a delicious sauce?

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 39:30Speaker 00

  Right? And Lisa goes, well, it may be the judge of that.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Right, is that not flirting? That's flirting quite sexy.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  It might be, but I would say something to her if she did that.

• 39:40Speaker 00

  You're joking?

• 39:41Speaker 01

  No. I wouldn't say, I wouldn't go, what the fuck are you doing? I'd go, is this serious? I'd do something like that.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  I'm just tasting your peaking jackfruit.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Well, you can have the rest of it now, you dirty old bitch.

• 39:54Speaker 00

  You would, you would not go, would you not go, oh, you naughty thing?

• 39:58Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't, first of all, Lisa would never dip. Do you know what? Whenever I'm describing, I always feel like I'm making us sound like that couple that lives next door in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

• 40:11Speaker 01

  That's what I worry about. But we're not, we're not prudish, but I don't think Lisa would dip her finger in my food. And secondly, I mean, I don't think Catherine would dip, I don't.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Catherine probably wouldn't, but I, I would.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  If me and you were out and you just said, have a taste.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  Bro, if you dipped, honestly, man, do not, do not, I think most people, no. Don't.

• 40:33Speaker 00

  I'm not saying I'd stick it into the middle and go, oh, that's nice.

• 40:35Speaker 01

  I know, well, no, obviously, that's, that's completely different.

• 40:38Speaker 00

  A tiny little.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  No.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  I mean, chefs do it, don't they?

• 40:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I, I trained as a chef, it's probably that's in me, I don't know.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  That's in you?

• 40:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  That's in you?

• 40:49Speaker 00

  Can I say, it's better than a fork or a spoon, because you get that straight.

• 40:53Speaker 01

  I don't want you dipping your fork in there either.

• 40:55Speaker 00

  What? So if you've got a delicious sauce and we're out for dinner and you're showing off about it in front of everyone?

• 41:02Speaker 01

  That would never happen.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  Okay, I, I've seen you eating out.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 41:07Speaker 00

  Actually, I will say, actually, for you, no, I have eaten out of you and go, this is absolutely delicious.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  I've said, this is nice, yeah. I haven't gone, this is fucking incredible. I can't believe I ordered so amazingly.

• 41:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:20Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 41:21Speaker 00

  But you say that.

• 41:22Speaker 01

  Honestly, I'm slightly distracted from the conversation because of how great my food is.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then if I went, oh, sorry, mate, it's all right to.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  You wouldn't mind it? Oh, that's fine, yeah.

• 41:29Speaker 00

  A fork going in?

• 41:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I wouldn't mind that.

• 41:31Speaker 00

  Okay, look, can I say if we're out for dinner, I mean, if I had some vegan and I was eating, I went, this is delicious, she went, oh, yeah, I'll go, quacker.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, but again, I bring you back to my earlier point, just because you'd do it, doesn't mean most people would.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  It's a funny thing, isn't it?

• 41:47Speaker 03

  What about a double dip?

• 41:48Speaker 00

  Double dips, I do agree, promise, I don't think are wrong.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  I don't mind double dips.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  What?

• 41:53Speaker 01

  No, I'm joking, I'm joking, I think it's disgusting.

• 41:55Speaker 00

  Double dips, I think, it's like, yeah, I, I, yeah, I have the problem.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  Sorry, Tom, I just think a finger in the food, I, I don't, you're making me feel like a weirdo now. A finger, a finger in someone's sauce.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  I, by the way, think of all the things I've said, that you took real humbage to, was the fucking, like, peaking jackfruit, which, by the way, I think.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  No, no, can we, can we?

• 42:18Speaker 00

  No, don't cut that.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Can we cut that, can we cut?

• 42:20Speaker 00

  I think that sounds like a delicious fucking dish.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  JT, can we cut the peaking jackfruit?

• 42:22Speaker 00

  JT, don't you dare.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  JT.

• 42:24Speaker 00

  JT.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  JT.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  This will be one of the first episodes I listen back to.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  Can I, can I tell you what happened there? I was basically, what happened was is I, I'd had some success in my earlier challenges.

• 42:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  And then I got a bit overexcited.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  You did.

• 42:37Speaker 01

  And I jumped on the peaking jackfruit.

• 42:39Speaker 00

  But, I, I am. There's a chef sitting somewhere going, hold up, that sounds fucking delicious.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say now, the peaking jackfruit was an unwa, it was an unwarranted attack, and I just want to apologize.

• 42:51Speaker 00

  Can I say, by the way, I actually think we should try peaking jackfruit.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 42:56Speaker 00

  I think we should get some peaking sauce.

• 42:58Speaker 01

  There is.

• 42:59Speaker 00

  Jackfruit's incredible. I'm gonna, by the way, I've only really recently, I had a little bit of a dalliance with jackfruit, now I've got really into it.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  Uh, jackfruit is, it's very hit and miss, though.

• 43:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, at home, it could be terrible. You cook it yourself.

• 43:12Speaker 01

  There is a vegan Chinese place.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  Oh, my god. Are you not telling me?

• 43:16Speaker 01

  I've made some.

• 43:17Speaker 00

  Peaking jackfruit pancakes. Is there a chef out there who could make us some of these?

• 43:22Speaker 01

  And do what? Stick them in the post?

• 43:24Speaker 00

  No, come in.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  Or maybe you could bring them in an open container on the tube? And don't worry about sticking your fingers in there either.

• 43:32Speaker 00

  They look delicious.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  God, they do look good.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  I actually don't mind doing it. I, I'll have a look at this.

• 43:39Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 43:40Speaker 00

  I'll bring, yeah, I can't promise, by the way, I will probably dip your fingers.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  There is nothing about what you've talked about today that makes me think I want to eat anything that you've cooked.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  Man, I can't believe, you could put some of Zoe's barbecue sauce on there.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  JT, can we, we, there's no point talking about this because JT's gonna cut the peaking jack.

• 43:56Speaker 00

  No, he's not, he's not, he can't.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  JT, can you, can you cut the, can you cut the peaking jackfruit, please?

• 44:02Speaker 00

  You.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Cut it.

• 44:03Speaker 00

  I literally, it's one of my favourite reactions from you, because you went in so hard.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  It was so bad.

• 44:07Speaker 00

  You, literally, that was a Roy Keane Harland tackle.

• 44:10Speaker 01

  It was bad.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm not gonna deny it was bad. In fact, I would say, I would go as far as saying I've been a bit snipy this whole episode.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  No, I don't mind your snifiness, because it's, I like, it's like dealing with a naughty dog and you've got to go, who are you? Come on, you know you're loved, you know you're bloody loved. Let me get my dippy fingers out and see if I can put a smile on your face.

• 44:28Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't know if I believe you about dippy fingers. I find it so outrageous that I don't know if I believe you.

• 44:34Speaker 00

  Look, I've done it to Catherine, if I'm honest with you, if we were out for a dinner, I'm not saying I put, but I would like, if there was a bit of sauce on the side, I'd have a little taste.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  On the side?

• 44:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:45Speaker 00

  I probably think me and John are close to that.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  Say, say if I brought, like, say if you were an Indian.

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  And they brought out a.

• 44:49Speaker 00

  By the way, the best place for dippy fingers.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  Okay, so they bring out my little clay pot of curry?

• 44:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  Where's your finger? Imagine that, where's your finger?

• 45:00Speaker 00

  Can I say, you've served yourself, you've had a serve.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  So this is in my plate now?

• 45:04Speaker 00

  No, no, that's, that's a dish.

• 45:04Speaker 01

  I've already served myself.

• 45:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've served yourself, there's probably, I know you, by the way, can I just say that I'm gonna shout this guy out? You go for food with him, he will leave a healthy little bit left in the dish for other people to try, something I've noticed about you.

• 45:17Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 45:17Speaker 00

  Very, very, I'm very the opposite, I pour everything onto my plate.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Tom, it doesn't matter how much food Tom has ordered, he will empty every container to his thing.

• 45:28Speaker 00

  Right, so that's your thing.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  Okay, so that's my thing.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  You turn around and go, oh, mate, oh, wow, oh, frigging heck, this is delicious. I turn around and go, let me have a little. Oh, that is nice.

• 45:40Speaker 00

  Round the, right on the tip of the thing, so I'm not, my finger's not making it, you know, my hands, by the way, I wash my hands constantly, I'm a very, very clean guy.

• 45:53Speaker 00

  I'd arguably say I trust my hands.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  I think I might be changing, I would never do it.

• 45:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Or maybe I would do that, right at the edge, show me again.

• 46:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Show me again, right on the edge.

• 46:06Speaker 00

  John?

• 46:07Speaker 01

  I think that might be all right.

• 46:08Speaker 03

  Honestly, I think if, if we're out and you did that, I'd, I'd, I'd say what I genuinely would think, I would think, oh, that's nice, we're close enough that you can do that.

• 46:19Speaker 00

  Oh, wow, see?

• 46:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:21Speaker 00

  What a beautiful thing.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:23Speaker 00

  This is what I'm all about, by the way, changing perception.

• 46:26Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 46:27Speaker 00

  You know, all I've got to do now.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  Well, you've changed the description, haven't you?

• 46:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  It's, it's slightly different.

• 46:32Speaker 00

  No, but also, if I could really work on you, I do think that there's something quite sweet about the open, the smell of open food on a train or a.

• 46:42Speaker 00

  Or a tube.

• 46:43Speaker 01

  I, I got on a.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  Can I say, by the way, knowing Zoe, and like, because I feel bad now, because everyone's gonna have a go at Zoe.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  I don't think they will do. I think they've probably forgotten about it, but for some reason, at the end of the episode, they decided to bring her name back into the mix.

• 46:55Speaker 00

  No, but I think Zoe would probably get a car to work on a day like that, where she's got her barbecue sauce.

• 47:01Speaker 01

  I got on the train the other day.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:03Speaker 01

  And there was an, there was an Asian guy.

• 47:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  With an open Tupperware thing of curry.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  Oh, that's my dream.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  The whole carriage was filled with the smell of curry, and I felt like saying to him, dude, in this current political climate, don't be fucking bringing open containers of curry on the train. It's difficult enough for us as it is without you stinking out fucking train carriages.

• 47:25Speaker 00

  I would say, you know, the only problem I'd have with that is I'd turn around to him and go, well, you've just fucking up my BMI. No, I probably, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't do that to a stranger, but if I smell a curry, I've no fucking, I'm ordering, no, I'm ordering a curry.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  You're like, you know when the, when somebody leaves a pie on the window in a car, too?

• 47:45Speaker 00

  Um, I'd say egg is the worst thing like that.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  Egg.

• 47:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, egg on a train.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  But I just think anything pungent, anyway.

• 47:52Speaker 00

  No, no, curry, I think it's fine.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Time for your closing, closing statement, Tom.

• 47:56Speaker 00

  Have we got any?

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Have we got any suggestions from the listeners?

• 47:59Speaker 03

  Uh, we actually, I, I actually can dig out some listener suggestions if you'd like. Um.

• 48:05Speaker 00

  I love snipy, Ron.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  It was awful today.

• 48:08Speaker 00

  You, you've got a snifiness about you, it's nice.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  Uh, here are your three words, Tom. This is from Hannah the Tiny Tortoise.

• 48:14Speaker 00

  Okay, Hannah, shout out Hannah, yo, Hannah, I hope you're well.

• 48:17Speaker 01

  Uh, by the way, incredible work to find out that quickly. Uh, your three words are skyscraper, amicable,

• 48:25Speaker 01

  and slimy.

• 48:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  Good luck.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Fearless the Frog was a cheeky and sweet soul. The world, very small they inhabited, though. Just a pond and a little bit of the sort of greenery around the pond. Every now and again, he'd see dogs being walked by their owners, they'd walk past and, what was his name again?

• 48:52Speaker 03

  The, the, did you say Theodas?

• 48:53Speaker 00

  Theodas, Theodas, I'll go with Theodas. JT just dropped Theodas in the top.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  Can you also snip the peaking jackfruit? Anyway, go on.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  Theodas would turn around to the dogs and go, huh, fancy jumping in the pond? And they'd be like, come on, not that smelly old pond. And he'd go, oh, bloody Livy, you nutcases. The dogs would say, go, yeah, we know you live here, mate, you're here all the time, you don't go anywhere else.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  Theorist, Theorist, why did I give him a name I can't even pronounce again? Theorist was upset by this. He always tried to be amicable to the dogs and friendly, but the truth is, it hurt his feelings. And every night, as the sun went down and the moon came out and the stars beamed down on his squatted little pond, he thought, God, God, why, why am I just stuck here? So one day, he fulfilled a lily pad with all of his possessions and threw it over his shoulder. He began hopping up the path and across the motorway. Before he knew it, he was in the big city, feet everywhere, people barking, shouting, well, dogs barking,

• 50:12Speaker 00

  people shouting. All of a sudden, he came toe to toe with a rottweiler. The rottweiler went, yeah, what are you doing here, country frog? He said, is there such a thing as sea frogs? He went, nah, they all get eaten and spat out. He was terrified. He spent about three or four days out there, lost in the city. One point, he found himself on the top of a skyscraper, just looking for his pond, staring out across a suburbia and a town that he didn't know, longing for his pond. Someone came up to him and said, hey, what's going on? What are you

• 50:54Speaker 00

  doing here? He said, I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going. He said, where would you be at for most happy? He said, I had this pond. He said, where is it? And he said, I don't know, I'm a frog, I'm fucking, you know, I just.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  He, he said, so the person said, yeah, but the thing about, he said, like, you know, these dogs and people were turning around to me. And so I have got no place in the city, you know? And he said, well, yeah, but those dogs haven't got any real place themselves. Those dogs are just people's pets. And Thesus, what do you mean? He said, they, they, they're completely owned, they're walked, they don't have any freedom.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  So Thesus, so what do you mean? They've got no, and he's, he said, you had freedom in your pond. And although that wasn't a big wide world for you to run it around him, you could do whatever you wanted. You could jump from lily pads, you carven down the pathways.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 00

  You know, you had freedom, which that is better than being walked around on a lead. Thesus thought about this, and then he hopped away, hopped back to his pond. And every day when he'd wake up and he'd hear the dogs bark, Thesus would think, enjoy your hour chasing a stick, because that's all you've got. Before you know it, you'll be back on that lead, just a servant to your master's domain. And that's the thing about life. Sometimes we look across the field and think other people will have it better. And the truth is, maybe freedom and being a cheeky little frog with a pond of his own is just about enough to make a little frog happy.

• 52:42Speaker 01

  Three different names for the frog as the story went on.

• 52:46Speaker 00

  I've got to say, I didn't know where that one was going.

• 52:48Speaker 01

  No, no, honestly, so you hadn't, you hadn't mapped that story out.

• 52:52Speaker 00

  Oh, can I just say, I do think it's an important message. I think sometimes you can think that everyone outside and around has got really, really cool things happening.

• 53:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  And, and.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a, it's a three hour way of saying the grass is, isn't always greener. Well done. Thank you. Right. Thanks for listening to and watching the Four Full Out Podcast. We will see you for the email special, wolfabod at gmail dot com if you want to contribute. We will see you next time. Peace out.