Eddie Pepitone

Comedy legend and “Bitter Buddha” Eddie Pepitone sits down with Andrew Santino to rant, riff, and actually make you feel better about the end of the world. We get into panic vs. peace, late-stage everything, why screaming can be therapeutic, and how Eddie forged his new hour THE COLLAPSE. Watch the special now on Veeps: https://veeps.com/eddiepepitone Eddie’s newest hour THE COLLAPSE (exec-produced by Patton Oswalt and directed by Steven Feinartz) is a full-throttle romp through modern anxiety, self-ownage, and tiny moments of joy. If you love raw, soulful, end-times comedy, don’t miss it. Then come back here and tell us your favorite bit. 🍊 🔥 Subscribe for new Whiskey Ginger episodes every Friday 🎧 Full audio on Spotify, Apple & all podcast platforms 👕 Merch & tour: andrewsantino.com FOLLOW EDDIE: Instagram: @eddiepep FOLLOW SANTINO: Instagram: @cheetosantino TikTok: @cheetosantino #WhiskeyGinger #EddiePepitone #TheCollapse #AndrewSantino #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy ====================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS MONARCH GET 50% OFF YOUR FIRST YEARWITH PROMO CODE: WHISKEY https://monarchmoney.comSQUARESPACE GET 10% OFF YOUR ORDER https://squarespace.com/whiskey ROCKET RX GET 30% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDERWITH PROMO CODE: WHISKEY30 https://rocketrx.com FACTOR GET 50% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER https://factormeals.com/whiskey50off ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up.

• 0:16Speaker 01

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• 0:44Andrew Santino?

  What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. I'm doing a couple of dates, so come check me out. AndrewSantino.com. I'm gonna be going to San Francisco, I'll be going to Tempe, Arizona. I'll be playing Hammond, Indiana, a casino down there, doing a bunch of other casinos. I'm going back to Borgata and Atlantic City. Come see me, go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino, Andrew Santino, dot com.

• 1:05Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:11Speaker 04

  Who is that creature in the ginger beard? It's dirty, ginger. Like peppers, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You want me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse. Ginger, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.

• 1:30Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean, once again, today it is Eddie Pepitone.

• 1:37Speaker 05

  Hello, sir.

• 1:38Andrew Santino?

  How good was that?

• 1:39Speaker 05

  It's great to be here in the whiskey ginger hideout.

• 1:42Andrew Santino?

  This is the hideout. This is a little, it feels a little like a, it feels like I built a fort as an adult, like a kid's fort of pillows and blankets and stuff, right?

• 1:49Speaker 05

  That's the best, that's the best. I believe Rock Hudson carried on affairs here. You ever hear that Hollywood bullshit, like, "I went up to some party and, and the woman who owns the place goes, 'You know, Rock Hudson used to have his affairs in these bungalows,'" and you have no way, you have no way of knowing whether that's true or not.

• 2:11Andrew Santino?

  But you just wanna believe it if, if it seems like it's probable. My first landlord, I'll never forget, I hated, hated. He would do this all the time. He'd go, "You know, in that apartment that you guys were living in back there?" I was like, "Yeah." He's like, "You know who used to live down there?" I was like, "Who?" He goes, "Sean Hayes."

• 2:30Andrew Santino?

  He used to rub this in my face. He used to go, "So I know you guys are like actors or whatever, you little like goofy comic actors. Sean Hayes lived there. Legend Sean Hayes."

• 2:39Speaker 05

  Sean Hayes?

• 2:40Andrew Santino?

  Sean Hayes, that's what he used to say. He goes, "Sean Hayes used to live there. Remember that guy? When you're doing your sketches, because we would film, you know, Sean Hayes."

• 2:47Speaker 05

  Who the fuck is Sean Hayes?

• 2:48Andrew Santino?

  Sean Hayes, the guy, is that, am I saying the name wrong? Yeah, from Will and Grace. No, from Will and Grace. Sean Hayes, the actor Sean Hayes.

• 2:55Speaker 05

  You know, I did an episode of Will and Grace.

• 2:58Andrew Santino?

  Did you?

• 2:58Speaker 05

  He was a sweetheart.

• 2:59Andrew Santino?

  And you don't even remember Sean Hayes?

• 3:01Speaker 05

  Well, I forgot his name, but I did ask him about the Rock Hudson thing because, you know, you know about Hayes and, and he didn't have any...

• 3:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's a handsome guy.

• 3:11Speaker 05

  Very handsome.

• 3:11Andrew Santino?

  And he was successful. He's the most successful person to come out of that apartment. And he didn't know, he didn't know anything about...

• 3:16Speaker 05

  This was, is this your first apartment?

• 3:18Andrew Santino?

  First apartment in, with, uh, first apartment in Hollywood.

• 3:21Speaker 05

  Where?

• 3:22Andrew Santino?

  First, but it was in West Hollywood, uh, obviously. West Hollywood, it was on, um, Laurel. No, it was Laurel.

• 3:30Speaker 05

  It was on Laurel?

• 3:31Andrew Santino?

  Laurel, Laurel.

• 3:32Speaker 05

  Right down the street from the Laugh Factory?

• 3:34Andrew Santino?

  No, no, south of Santa Monica.

• 3:36Speaker 05

  Oh, okay.

• 3:36Andrew Santino?

  By Laurel Elementary School. We were right around the corner from there and a bunch of famous people used to live in that neighborhood back then, like Seth Rogen used to live over there. I remember we'd see him walking his dog and I'd be like, "Wow, dude, Seth lives right there." And we're living four to a room. Four guys. And two of my friends lived subterranean. Half of the apartment was underground and it flooded twice a year, just about.

• 3:57Speaker 05

  Really?

• 3:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, a poo pipe would break, a city poo pipe would break and there would be, I'm not kidding, poo water all over the place.

• 4:03Speaker 05

  Oh, shit.

• 4:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but we got paid. Every time it happened, we claimed. It was nice.

• 4:07Speaker 05

  You claimed?

• 4:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can claim with the city of, of like damages.

• 4:10Speaker 05

  Wow, you're somebody who doesn't mind going through the red tape. I'm one of these people, I get these class action lawsuits mailed to me all the time because my dad has been breached and says, "You know, all you have to do is fill out this form and I'm out."

• 4:23Andrew Santino?

  You're out.

• 4:23Speaker 05

  I'm out.

• 4:24Andrew Santino?

  You don't want to do it.

• 4:25Speaker 05

  I don't want to do it.

• 4:25Andrew Santino?

  I get the check for thirteen dollars and eighty-six cents.

• 4:28Speaker 05

  You do?

• 4:28Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's fun. It's fun.

• 4:30Speaker 05

  You're right. And I want to make those fucks pay.

• 4:33Andrew Santino?

  Yes. Fuck them. They screwed people over.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  Oh, absolutely.

• 4:36Andrew Santino?

  Get the money from those guys.

• 4:38Speaker 05

  Absolutely, but I, I just can't sit at a computer and, you know.

• 4:43Andrew Santino?

  It's a waste. I get it. It's a waste of my time. It's a waste of my energy. But I do think if somebody went through the process to sue the city... I, I want to support this, the lawsuit.

• 4:52Speaker 05

  I agree.

• 4:53Andrew Santino?

  But here's what I should, here, you know what I usually do? I don't get the checks. If I do fill out the form, you know, you can say donate it to whatever, so I'll just donate it.

• 5:01Speaker 05

  Right. Unless I see that it's over twenty dollars.

• 5:04Andrew Santino?

  If it's over twenty dollars, I'll take that. I want a latte.

• 5:07Speaker 05

  I'm going to Canna's. Is that still there, that place?

• 5:12Andrew Santino?

  Do you remember when this city was rich with Jewish delis and now like they're all gone? All the good ones are gone.

• 5:16Speaker 05

  Greenblatt's?

• 5:17Andrew Santino?

  Gone.

• 5:17Speaker 05

  Is gone.

• 5:18Andrew Santino?

  Gone. Greenblatt's is gone, Juniors is gone, uh, uh.

• 5:22Speaker 05

  Canna's is still there.

• 5:23Andrew Santino?

  Canna's is there, but she's holding on. She's got one pinky, she's holding on.

• 5:26Speaker 05

  Is that right?

• 5:27Andrew Santino?

  It's just not the same. It's when we, when I moved to LA.

• 5:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:31Andrew Santino?

  And I would hear the, you know, everyone's like.

• 5:32Speaker 05

  What year did you move?

• 5:33Andrew Santino?

  I moved here in two thousand and six, six?

• 5:36Speaker 05

  Oh, I beat you here then.

• 5:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you beat me.

• 5:38Speaker 05

  I, I was living in the New York City, I'm from New York, and, uh, two, the twin towers came down.

• 5:45Andrew Santino?

  That was you?

• 5:47Speaker 05

  I'll tell you my first thought, and this, and I knew I had to be in Hollywood, my first thought, when I saw that first plane hit the first tower, I said, this is gonna be a great vehicle for Nick Cage. And so I knew I had to move.

• 6:02Andrew Santino?

  You had to. You gotta. Hollywood was calling. Pick up the phone, Eddie Pepitone. A plane has just hit Tower Two.

• 6:08Speaker 05

  By the way, I have no capacity to take in tragedy.

• 6:12Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 6:12Speaker 05

  I mean, that was such a huge tragedy.

• 6:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it was unbelievable. It was so bad, you didn't think it was real.

• 6:18Speaker 05

  That's correct.

• 6:19Andrew Santino?

  Like, the amount of people that go.

• 6:20Speaker 05

  Correct.

• 6:21Andrew Santino?

  It's a movie, right? Am I watching a movie?

• 6:22Speaker 05

  By the way, you always hear that now, people saying that. Like, in any big tragedy, it's like, I felt like I was in a movie, I just felt like I... No, you're actually in real life, you know, these people, they don't, nobody knows what reali... You know what I saw last night is Eddington. Did you see that yet?

• 6:38Andrew Santino?

  No, what is that?

• 6:39Speaker 05

  It's the new Ari Aster movie.

• 6:40Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Ari's movie, oh.

• 6:42Speaker 05

  You know Ari?

• 6:43Andrew Santino?

  He lived, he, he lived here for a long time, in this bunker with Rock Hudson.

• 6:48Andrew Santino?

  No, Ari Aster movie, I do want to see that.

• 6:50Speaker 05

  He's pretty, he's interesting to say the least. And Yakin is always, I'm just, just anything that he does.

• 6:59Andrew Santino?

  Powerful.

• 7:00Speaker 05

  It's, it's intense.

• 7:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's good. I wonder what it's like to just have a cup of coffee with him. Do you think it's, it's still intense?

• 7:08Speaker 05

  I would think so.

• 7:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, like he, like he, he probably put you in a little bit of a, of a spin cycle. Because I, because I've been with guys like that and I'm nervous the whole time.

• 7:18Speaker 05

  Same.

• 7:18Andrew Santino?

  Because I'm like, I don't know what to say to you. I told him the story of, um, the time I got to work with, uh, um, isn't this crazy that this just happened? Christopher Guest? With Christopher Guest? Yeah. Christopher Guest.

• 7:29Speaker 05

  You got to work with Christopher Guest?

• 7:30Andrew Santino?

  Well, but I got to interview with him first and I was so nervous the whole time. And he, he just asked me about the coffee I was drinking. That's all he wanted to talk about. He didn't want to talk about the role.

• 7:39Speaker 05

  I heard he's a prick.

• 7:41Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 7:41Speaker 05

  That's what I heard.

• 7:42Andrew Santino?

  He was quick with me and easy. It was just, he wanted to sit with me to see if I had any chops that he was interested in. And I, I was like, whatever, I'm.

• 7:50Speaker 05

  It was an interview for a job, possibly?

• 7:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but not for, but I did, he didn't want, so he didn't want me to read the character or read lines or anything. He was like, what are you drinking? And I said, coffee. And he said, tell, or tea, it was tea. He said, tell me about tea. And so I just impromptu lie about tea.

• 8:03Speaker 05

  I feel like saying fuck you to that.

• 8:06Andrew Santino?

  Say it right now. Say it, say it right now.

• 8:07Speaker 05

  No, I mean, when a big guy, you know, gets you and, and he's like, yeah, just tell me about tea. And you know that he wants to see something interesting from you.

• 8:18Andrew Santino?

  He wants to see a play or something.

• 8:19Speaker 05

  So you're like, well, chamomile tea, uh, my friends, they're new age. They say, Eddie, I can't sleep. I'm an insomniac. They say, Eddie, try to drink sleepy time tea. And I'm like, is sleepy time tea going to make up for the fact that I was molested? And then you wake up, then you wake up, then you wait for his reaction and they're always deadpan.

• 8:40Andrew Santino?

  They're dead. They're deadpan. Yeah, but they go, you got the job. But he goes, just don't bring the molestation to the, to the taping. Leave that at home, but bring that same kind of, I know, you're right. They did, he put me in a place where I'm already vulnerable and nervous and scared. Because I'm like.

• 8:55Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 8:55Andrew Santino?

  I want the job so bad.

• 8:57Speaker 05

  He's, he's Christopher Guest.

• 8:58Andrew Santino?

  And I need the work. And I was like, please, I want a job so bad.

• 9:01Speaker 05

  How long ago was that? You don't need it.

• 9:02Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 9:03Speaker 05

  Now you, now you, how long ago?

• 9:06Andrew Santino?

  No, no, I need the jobs now. I need, what, when did I shot that?

• 9:09Speaker 05

  Now don't put that out. No, he doesn't.

• 9:12Andrew Santino?

  No, I do need it. I probably, it was probably seven or eight years ago, something like that, I shot that. You know who was with, in that scene with me? Uh, Matthew Bronner, Matt Bronner. You know Matt Bronner?

• 9:20Speaker 05

  I sure do.

• 9:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Matt, what, do you hate him?

• 9:23Speaker 05

  No.

• 9:23Andrew Santino?

  You said it, there was a pause.

• 9:24Speaker 05

  No, I love Matt.

• 9:25Andrew Santino?

  No, yeah, Matt and I did this, did the scene together and I asked him, I said, "Did you have to do one of these weird interviews?" He goes, "What are you talking about?" And I was like, "Either you're fucking with me, or he was, just did it to me." Or it's like, he was having a day where he's like, "I'm gonna fuck with this little redheaded idiot." I did.

• 9:39Speaker 05

  What was it?

• 9:41Andrew Santino?

  It was, it wa, so we did a, it was actually very funny. It was, um, in the, in the television show, the main character goes to appease one of his lady friends, uh, who's into reenactments. And so he goes and does a civil war reenactment, but he doesn't want to take it serious. But we're all taking it, obviously, as serious as those yahoos really do do that.

• 10:01Speaker 05

  Right, right.

• 10:02Andrew Santino?

  And we do a death scene where we've captured his girlfriend, and he shoots and kills us. And all, all guest asked was, over, be over, overly dramatic in your death. So the death is, it's like a four-minute death, it's the dumb, it's like so stupid.

• 10:17Speaker 05

  What was this part of? Is this new?

• 10:19Andrew Santino?

  It was, it was a TV show on HBO called Family Tree. It ran for like a couple, maybe two seasons or something, I don't, I don't remember.

• 10:25Speaker 05

  There's so many fucking shows out there.

• 10:27Andrew Santino?

  Too many.

• 10:28Speaker 05

  That, that I haven't even heard of.

• 10:30Andrew Santino?

  And the only one that you watch is Love Island. You've told that to me. That's the only thing you like.

• 10:35Speaker 05

  Do you know it came down between me and Nikki Glaser to be the host of F-Boy Island?

• 10:39Andrew Santino?

  I gotta tell you, it's, it's, it's, it's because you guys are so parallel, both comedically, both physically.

• 10:45Speaker 05

  The physical, I think.

• 10:46Andrew Santino?

  Is closer than comedic, you think?

• 10:48Speaker 05

  I think so. I mean, I've put on weight lately.

• 10:51Andrew Santino?

  Not much.

• 10:53Speaker 05

  Well, compared to her.

• 10:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I guess that's true.

• 10:56Speaker 05

  Anyway, they didn't, they, they gave her F-Boy Island last second, they, and they gave me something that didn't last at all. It was called, uh, it was called Fuck Me Island.

• 11:06Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Fuck Me Island.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  Fuck Boy, it was Fuck Me, and I, it was just me walking around a deserted island, it was way out in the, in near Malta.

• 11:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:14Speaker 05

  And I would just walk around going, "Fuck me." And, and nobody was interested in it.

• 11:20Andrew Santino?

  Why?

• 11:21Speaker 05

  I don't know. It didn't have legs, they said.

• 11:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's, I feel like that's a hit. Just following you around a deserted island for a whole season? 10 episodes. Next on Fuck Me Island. Eddie scratches his head. Just you under a coconut tree.

• 11:35Speaker 05

  But those things deserve parody. Has, has, has, has F Boy Island? I just can't believe that there are shows about people just hooking up.

• 11:43Andrew Santino?

  Trying to have sex. That's-

• 11:44Speaker 05

  But it's so stupid.

• 11:45Andrew Santino?

  That's the core of reality television. That's the core. It's like, how can we get these people to have sex? You're like, no, there's a competition show about strength and endurance. They're like, no, no, no. It's about them having sex.

• 11:56Speaker 05

  I don't know, man. It's stupid.

• 11:58Andrew Santino?

  It's dark. Well, how about we, instead of doing Survivor, let's do our spin on Survivor. What could be a new version of the spinoff of Survivor?

• 12:05Speaker 05

  Uh, well, first of all, I haven't seen that show in a long time. Is that, give me the premise again.

• 12:11Andrew Santino?

  The premise of Survivor?

• 12:12Speaker 05

  I, I know.

• 12:14Andrew Santino?

  Okay, so it's a bunch-

• 12:14Speaker 05

  Do you have to do alliances and that kind of shit?

• 12:17Andrew Santino?

  It's a bunch of agents and managers. It's UTACA and, and William Morris are on, they're on an island with you.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  See, this is pretty good, yeah.

• 12:25Andrew Santino?

  And you have to fistfight to see which lawyer and manager will take you, but you, you have to form alliances with certain managers and lawyers.

• 12:31Speaker 05

  Oh, man.

• 12:32Andrew Santino?

  And here's the trick. They fly in halfway through the season, business managers, and now they're really shaking up the mix. You know? A production assistant will come in, who hopefully will, will align, you know, align with you. It's really good.

• 12:43Speaker 05

  You know the business.

• 12:44Andrew Santino?

  I'm a biz guy.

• 12:46Speaker 05

  I, I'm hands, I'm like with the, with the forms for the class action suits. I don't want to know.

• 12:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 12:52Speaker 05

  You guys, please leave me alone.

• 12:54Andrew Santino?

  Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Well, I've done this. I did this recently. I have no lawyer, no manager. I don't even think I have an agent really much anymore.

• 13:03Speaker 05

  Well, that's everybody.

• 13:04Andrew Santino?

  I'm flying free. It's kind of great.

• 13:06Speaker 05

  Is that right?

• 13:07Andrew Santino?

  A little bit. I just feel like I didn't really need a lot of stuff anymore. I was like, I guess we're making so much of our own content.

• 13:12Speaker 05

  Oh, yes.

• 13:14Andrew Santino?

  I mean, like, I need someone to help me book stand-up dates. But outside, but outside of that, I was like, I don't even think these guys- Want to try to get me work anymore, so I'm just gonna make my own nonsense.

• 13:24Speaker 05

  I don't get that.

• 13:25Andrew Santino?

  I don't. I think that's the biz, man. That's the biz.

• 13:28Speaker 05

  They don't want to get you work, but that's how they make their money, don't they?

• 13:31Andrew Santino?

  I think they make their money on deals.

• 13:33Speaker 05

  On deals.

• 13:34Andrew Santino?

  Aren't they deals guys?

• 13:35Speaker 05

  That's true, that's true.

• 13:35Andrew Santino?

  They're big deals. You're a big deals guy. You've made deals for years. You've been wheeling a deal since I've met you. You're always a deals guy.

• 13:41Speaker 05

  Well, I had a suit back then and it got burned in the LA fire, so I cannot make a deal anymore.

• 13:46Andrew Santino?

  Well, I got burned in the LA fire because you were saving families. People don't know. Eddie was running into homes, saving families.

• 13:53Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 13:53Andrew Santino?

  And the suit caught on fire.

• 13:54Speaker 05

  Yes. I, I hear a very high pitched whistle. And, uh, look at this. I got a bruise.

• 14:03Andrew Santino?

  What happened?

• 14:04Speaker 05

  I just had a stress test. I'm at the age where, um, like, you know, I'm still super into comedy and I'm really, I'm an old guy, but I don't feel like an old guy, so I'm super into comedy, but, you know, they're like, "Look, you gotta get a test on your heart."

• 14:22Andrew Santino?

  Well, your heart's gotta be fine. You take care of yourself.

• 14:24Speaker 05

  It was.

• 14:25Andrew Santino?

  I see your gym videos. You do post gym videos.

• 14:27Speaker 05

  I do, and I gotta tell you, because I'm overweight and people see that, I inspire a lot of fat people.

• 14:35Andrew Santino?

  You do. But if you start to get too skinny, what's gonna happen? They turn on you.

• 14:39Speaker 05

  They turn on me and they'll be like, "Oh, the hot guy." But right now, it's like, wow, this is something that I could do. And people actually are always like, "Go get a Eddie." I'm actually thinner than I was when I first went to the gym years ago. I, I was the type of guy where other guys at the gym would come up to me and pat me on the back and go, "It ain't easy, is it?"

• 15:04Andrew Santino?

  I think you look good, by the way. I didn't compliment you, but you do look really good. You look like you've, you've gotten in really good shape.

• 15:09Speaker 05

  I've gotten in okay shape, but I did pass that stress test.

• 15:13Andrew Santino?

  Now, what is the level of, what's pass and fail?

• 15:15Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 15:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but who cares? If you got the P, you're fine.

• 15:18Speaker 05

  I read it today. You know what's hilarious? I don't know if you get this, but doctors, I'm, I'm with UCLA Health, whatever, through SAG, and doctors put on your portal.

• 15:29Andrew Santino?

  I do. You might, my UCLA Health, I'm on it.

• 15:31Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 15:32Andrew Santino?

  I'm on it.

• 15:32Speaker 05

  So, so I have a stress test, which is big.

• 15:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 15:36Speaker 05

  And they put on the portal the results.

• 15:38Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 15:39Speaker 05

  With no doctor talking to you beforehand, so you're reading these things going, "Left ventricle."

• 15:46Speaker 05

  Is not showing any signs of ischemia.

• 15:51Andrew Santino?

  Do I want ischemia?

• 15:52Speaker 05

  Do I want it? Does this have anything to do with F Boy Island? What the fuck is going on?

• 15:58Andrew Santino?

  Is this why I lost the get your te- your messaging your doctor? Did I lose F Boy Island? Because of my lack of ischemia? I do hate that so much, it scares me because I got a test done, because I'm on, I'm on statins. I'm a stat dog, I'm a stat daddy.

• 16:11Speaker 05

  How many milligrams?

• 16:12Andrew Santino?

  I think I'm on 10 now.

• 16:13Speaker 05

  Me too.

• 16:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I think I'm on a tenor. And, and I told a joke, I do a whole bit about my, because my father, I said, I said, I, I was telling my doctor, I was like, I'm in, I'm, I'm doing the best I have been in years and like, working out, not eating late anymore, I'm trying to stay in shape. And my doctor was like, "Yeah, but you, you should be on a statin." And I was like, "Why?" He's like, "Probably your father." But I called my dad.

• 16:35Speaker 05

  Genetic stuff?

• 16:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I called my dad and I was like, "Do you, are you on this?" I didn't know. He's like, "Yeah dude, we've all been on, everyone in your family has been on this for 30 years."

• 16:43Speaker 05

  You had no idea?

• 16:44Andrew Santino?

  No clue, well, because it's like, I, I-

• 16:46Speaker 05

  They hide it. The family hides statins.

• 16:48Andrew Santino?

  Well, we're Irish. Shh, don't say it, you know?

• 16:51Speaker 05

  By the, by the way, did I learn exactly that about the Irish when I was in Ireland for a festival? And I said out loud to the crowd, which I cannot believe I did, in retrospect, I said out loud to the crowd, "Round of applause if you're in therapy."

• 17:08Andrew Santino?

  Oh, and don't do that. That's a, they, uh-

• 17:10Speaker 05

  It was dead silent and I talked to an Irish comic after, he goes, "Mate, we, we don't do that."

• 17:16Andrew Santino?

  They don't do that. Saying, are you on, saying the word "therapy" in Ireland is like the N-word to them. They, you do not-

• 17:22Speaker 05

  Yes!

• 17:22Andrew Santino?

  You do not, that's, that's a no-no, my friend. They don't, they, with Irish people, it's, "We'll figure it out when I'm dead." That's what it's always been. My grandfather notoriously hated doctors and that was always a, a bit for us. That he never went to a doctor, he was a firefighter for the city of Chicago who smoked his entire life. And then finally, he was like, "Man, I'm having crazy pains. I guess I'll finally go to the doctor now." And the doctor's like, "You're gonna die pretty soon."

• 17:50Andrew Santino?

  But the truth was, if you don't know, you don't know. He lived blissfully until they were like, "You will die in about a month." And he was like, "Great, I'll see you later." Why? Find out!

• 17:59Speaker 05

  I understand that.

• 18:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, why find out?

• 18:01Speaker 05

  It's like, why am I reading this portal?

• 18:03Andrew Santino?

  Why do I want to know about Ashimia? I don't care.

• 18:05Speaker 05

  I don't need to know about Ashimia.

• 18:07Andrew Santino?

  It's gonna get me when it gets me.

• 18:08Speaker 05

  Ashimia sounds like a terrific sushi.

• 18:11Andrew Santino?

  It is really good. There's, what is that? Is that, uh, Noki Woki has Ashimia right here on Ventura? Very good. A little Ashimia with brushed, uh, with a little bit of brushed soy on there. And you're not allowed to put sauce on the ones that they pre-sauce, you know that. If they put the Ashimi on, you have to eat it as it is.

• 18:27Speaker 05

  As is.

• 18:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're not allowed to.

• 18:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's a lot of abuse in sushi restaurants.

• 18:32Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, there are.

• 18:33Speaker 05

  These days, like, "Did I see you eat the sauce?", they say.

• 18:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, did you eat the sauce?

• 18:36Speaker 05

  "Did you dip it when it was pre-sauced?" And I'm like, "Take it easy, pal."

• 18:41Andrew Santino?

  And they're like, "Listen..."

• 18:42Speaker 05

  And they're like, "Arigato."

• 18:43Andrew Santino?

  "Arigato, please remove yourself from our restaurant." "Please get out of here right now." Uh, hold on, before we get too far. I want all of the people to know. I've loved you for a very long time. I've always admired you as a comedian, as an actor, as a, um... And you used to be a model when you were young. You will get back to it. You're a male model in New York. Calvin Klein was the first campaign you did?

• 19:06Speaker 05

  Yes, I don't know if you remember that. "You've got the look, I want to know better."

• 19:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that was yours.

• 19:11Speaker 05

  That was me.

• 19:12Andrew Santino?

  Right. And you were usurped by, uh, Mark Wahlberg, who unfortunately kind of slid in your spot.

• 19:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I let myself go a little and I became, I went way down the list as far as models. I became, like, all of a sudden, I'm like modeling for JCPenney in the lawnmower section.

• 19:28Andrew Santino?

  That's okay. That's all you're...

• 19:30Speaker 05

  I know, but it's not as hot. It's like, "Where's the lawnmower?", that kind of thing.

• 19:33Andrew Santino?

  But look, everyone needs lawnmowers, so you are servicing America, right?

• 19:37Speaker 05

  That is true.

• 19:38Andrew Santino?

  But you are a lovely, hilarious person that I've always been a huge fan of. And for those, uh, at home, please do yourself a, uh, a favor and watch Eddie's special, it's on Veeps right now. If you don't watch it, um, he will have to go back, of course, uh, to modeling lawnmowers. So please, it would mean a lot to us.

• 19:58Speaker 05

  You look at those models, and thank you, Andrew, for that. And yes, it's on Veeps.com slash Eddie Pepitone. You can watch the special for 12 bucks.

• 20:07Andrew Santino?

  Pretty reasonable price.

• 20:08Speaker 05

  I, I think so. It's called the collapse, by the way, because it's about my collapse and society's collapse, like how I mirror the collapse of society.

• 20:18Andrew Santino?

  You follow, you follow the trend of the collapse. It's going down, so are you.

• 20:22Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 20:23Andrew Santino?

  That's kind of the goal, I guess, right?

• 20:24Speaker 05

  That's right, yeah.

• 20:25Andrew Santino?

  Why try to be different? Just go with it.

• 20:27Speaker 05

  It's like your Irish ancestors. Why are we going to the doctor at this point?

• 20:32Andrew Santino?

  What for?

• 20:33Speaker 05

  Because most doctor's offices because of climate breakdown are flooded. Like if you ever go to the doctor now, it's like you're in water.

• 20:42Andrew Santino?

  You're in water now, almost everywhere.

• 20:43Speaker 05

  They're like trying to show you x-rays and you're like, I can't see it because of the water.

• 20:49Andrew Santino?

  What's your, go ahead, give me your collapse thought about climate, about the climate. Is the world getting, the world getting?

• 20:54Speaker 05

  Dude, I think that, I, I've been trying to develop a bit about this, but I think hurricanes are gonna be, pretty soon, instead of category five, it's just gonna be weather, people are gonna be like, this is a category, fuck me. Fuck me, this thing is so big.

• 21:13Speaker 05

  By the way, I have a sick thing where, maybe because I never lived in a hurricane zone, but I have a sick thing where I like it when they're big.

• 21:23Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, well, because you want the destruction, don't you?

• 21:25Speaker 05

  What is that about, dude?

• 21:26Andrew Santino?

  Well.

• 21:27Speaker 05

  I always thought I was a good person.

• 21:29Andrew Santino?

  No, no, you are, but it's cool to see. It's kind of beautiful to watch.

• 21:32Speaker 05

  It's like when they get big and I, I order in exactly at landfall and I don't care uh, what time it is, like 3 a.m. if it makes, I know when it's gonna make landfall because they, they're so good at predicting.

• 21:47Andrew Santino?

  They tell ya.

• 21:48Speaker 05

  And I'm like, baby, let's order in.

• 21:50Andrew Santino?

  Let's order in. Let's sit in for tonight, light a couple candles and watch the world go down.

• 21:54Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 21:57Andrew Santino?

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• 22:39Andrew Santino?

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• 23:24Andrew Santino?

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• 24:14Speaker 05

  I mean, what do we get? Well, we get the fires now.

• 24:17Andrew Santino?

  Fires and earthquakes, which are kind of past A now.

• 24:20Speaker 05

  Well, which one?

• 24:21Andrew Santino?

  Earthquakes are like, big deal, big deal.

• 24:24Speaker 05

  Earthquakes are past A.

• 24:25Andrew Santino?

  Fires are making a comeback.

• 24:26Speaker 05

  Fires are all, that's what we're about now.

• 24:29Andrew Santino?

  That's our thing. It's all the rage.

• 24:32Speaker 00

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• 25:01Speaker 01

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• 25:30Speaker 05

  Were you here in January of last year when this shit was going down?

• 25:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 25:34Speaker 05

  It felt like, where do you live-ish?

• 25:36Andrew Santino?

  I live in the valley here. Yeah.

• 25:37Speaker 05

  Oh, me too.

• 25:38Andrew Santino?

  I'm trapped in the valley, which tends to be, I can't get, I can't leave it. I don't know, I don't want to leave it.

• 25:44Speaker 05

  I don't like the heat.

• 25:45Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't like it, but I feel like, what am I gonna do? I'm not going over the hill anymore.

• 25:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, the hill, after you're in the valley for a while, you're like, okay, it's cooler over the hill, but it's too crowded or something.

• 25:56Andrew Santino?

  Too many humans live over there. And also, I don't, I like, if I'm being genuine, I like the peace of the valley. I like when I go deep in the valley, it feels like...

• 26:06Speaker 05

  Encino?

• 26:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, oh god, it feels like it's its own, it's lived in a little bit of a time machine, it's stuck in the past. But I like, I like that it's easy and calm and slow and nobody's really up to nothing, anything. They're just kind of moving through life.

• 26:20Speaker 05

  Right.

• 26:20Andrew Santino?

  It's easy. Over the hill, chaos, panic.

• 26:23Speaker 05

  It seems like it.

• 26:23Andrew Santino?

  They're trying, everyone wants, ah, ah, ah, ah. Up here, it's like, I don't. I'm going to get a lawnmower from that Eddie Pepitone ad I saw. That's what most people are doing.

• 26:33Speaker 05

  I live, I live, um, like Tahunga and Riverside-ish.

• 26:38Andrew Santino?

  Lovely, and we'll put Eddie's address right here. People stop on by, please.

• 26:42Speaker 05

  And the other day, and I just feed birds now, like I'm at that stage of life.

• 26:46Andrew Santino?

  You do love birds.

• 26:47Speaker 05

  I love, I love birds.

• 26:49Andrew Santino?

  Are there any birds you won't feed?

• 26:51Speaker 05

  There's a couple, you know, a couple of crows that are a pain in the ass, but no, I'll feed these birds. Goldfinches, which this is a goldfinch hat, if I think I'm wearing the right hat.

• 27:01Andrew Santino?

  You are.

• 27:02Speaker 05

  And I'll just feed them. So I was out there feeding the birds and as I'm out there feeding the birds,

• 27:09Speaker 05

  four cop cars just converged on this homeless guy. They slant, they put him down.

• 27:17Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 27:18Speaker 05

  You know, and it was this big fight and I realized it was because I had just gotten a new couch and put out the old couch and it attracts a lot of homeless guys.

• 27:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, new, an old couch is a new couch to them.

• 27:33Andrew Santino?

  Your old is new to them, my friend, and it's still in good condition. Knowing you, you take care of that couch. You take care of that couch.

• 27:40Speaker 05

  Look, I don't want to brag about how I take care of a couch, even though

• 27:44Andrew Santino?

  You can.

• 27:45Speaker 05

  a couple of my cats urinated on the couch, you know, but they're old, that one of them is just muttering to themselves at this point. One of my cats is just like, fuckin Pepitone. Veeps.

• 28:00Andrew Santino?

  Are your cats are condescending in, in, in your home?

• 28:03Speaker 05

  Well, cats are, are a bit arrogant, right?

• 28:06Andrew Santino?

  I do like.

• 28:06Speaker 05

  A little bit. Do you have cats?

• 28:07Andrew Santino?

  No, we have dog, but I, I will say the reason I do admire cats

• 28:11Speaker 05

  Is?

• 28:12Andrew Santino?

  is because of their, um, level of disinterest in you. It's pretty remarkable.

• 28:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:18Andrew Santino?

  I do think it's a good, you know what it is? Having a cat is the same thing as when somebody gets success in any industry at all and it goes to their head, they don't have any cats around them, meaning hu- like humans to go, hey, man, your shit isn't that good. And a cat is going, a cat is basically a real friend that you grew up with that goes, Eddie, that last thing you did was awful. And a dog, a dog is an agent or a manager. They're going, oh my God. Oh my God, it's a hit. Oh my god, who couldn't like this?

• 28:45Speaker 05

  My dog, man, I am so, I'm, I'm, I think, too close with my dog.

• 28:51Andrew Santino?

  What's your dog's name?

• 28:52Speaker 05

  Charlotte.

• 28:53Andrew Santino?

  What a lovely name. And what kind of dog are we talking, can I guess?

• 28:55Speaker 05

  Terrier.

• 28:56Andrew Santino?

  Let me guess. Is it a terrier?

• 28:58Speaker 05

  Yes, it is. And I didn't even say the full breed.

• 29:01Andrew Santino?

  No, no, it could have been so many other things.

• 29:03Speaker 05

  It could have been a lot of things.

• 29:04Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 29:04Speaker 05

  Um, but it is a terrier and I've had her for thirteen years. And I'm just like, I actually talk to her more intimately than I should. I'm sort of like, Charlotte, you don't think I have diabetes, do you?

• 29:23Speaker 05

  Doctor Ben Bassett thinks I do. But you don't. And she's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, don't worry, you don't have it. You know what I mean?

• 29:31Andrew Santino?

  She probably does have a better gauge if you have diabetes. You know, they say dogs are instinctual. They can, they can tell.

• 29:36Speaker 05

  Do you, you ever hear about the dogs who, who know when someone's gonna die in a hospital?

• 29:40Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah, they, yeah, yeah, they like put their paw on them. They know.

• 29:43Speaker 05

  Yes, they like single them. It's almost like the executioner. Kill.

• 29:48Andrew Santino?

  Kill.

• 29:49Speaker 05

  Pull the switch on bed number fifty.

• 29:53Andrew Santino?

  Dogs do have instinct about that. They know when you're gonna, they smell death.

• 29:56Speaker 05

  They smell cancer.

• 29:58Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 29:58Speaker 05

  Uh, they smell.

• 30:01Andrew Santino?

  Desperation.

• 30:02Speaker 05

  Well, yes.

• 30:03Andrew Santino?

  They're very good at that.

• 30:04Speaker 05

  They smell desperation.

• 30:05Andrew Santino?

  Do your cats give you any words of wisdom?

• 30:07Speaker 05

  I li, I have one cat and I had, we had five, me and my wife had five at one point.

• 30:12Andrew Santino?

  Now you're down to one? You didn't want to restart?

• 30:14Speaker 05

  We're down to one. It was a mass suicide. Yeah, it was like a Jim Jones type thing. Where we had no idea that they got a hold of arsenic from someplace.

• 30:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's on the street everywhere these days.

• 30:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:29Andrew Santino?

  But they did a mass suicide, the cats, and they all.

• 30:31Speaker 05

  There was a note.

• 30:32Andrew Santino?

  What did it say?

• 30:33Speaker 05

  It said, I can't take the fact that you only clean the litter box once every couple of days.

• 30:40Andrew Santino?

  They put up their own fight. And you know what? The dog says nothing. The dog.

• 30:43Speaker 05

  The dog is just.

• 30:44Andrew Santino?

  The dog doesn't care. It doesn't matter.

• 30:46Speaker 05

  Like you said, the dog is like a toady, you know? It's like a, you know, it's like, yeah, boss, yeah, boss. Whatever, yeah, yeah, yeah, jerk off, jerk off, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go jerk off, it's fucking middle of the day. Of course, you got an, you got a window.

• 30:59Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 31:00Speaker 05

  She's, she's at the supermarket.

• 31:03Andrew Santino?

  I'll sit at the door and if she comes home, I'll bark. You'll hear me. So go jerk off and I'll yell. That's a signal. I'll yell.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  Do it right on the couch.

• 31:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, right there. On the couch that you gave away to the homeless guy? That one. Don't jerk off on that and I'll scream as loud as I can. Does your dog, does your dog ruin furniture too, or just the cats?

• 31:19Speaker 05

  No, they, they, I had one problem cat.

• 31:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 31:24Speaker 05

  And I loved her so much, but after a while, man, it was like, whoa.

• 31:29Andrew Santino?

  Ruining everything.

• 31:30Speaker 05

  It was ruining, for some reason, it was the couch.

• 31:33Andrew Santino?

  It was the couch. It loved to ruin the couch. Is that a signal, do you think, to you? Was that a sign? Was the cat saying something?

• 31:39Speaker 05

  Well, she saw the Veep special and she certainly wasn't enamored by it.

• 31:44Andrew Santino?

  Pissed all over the couch?

• 31:45Speaker 05

  A little bit. No, was it a signal to me? I don't know what the fuck. She always was a little disturbed. She always had a little, you know, something. I, I, she must have been a peptone.

• 31:56Andrew Santino?

  She was a peptone.

• 31:57Speaker 05

  She was.

• 31:58Andrew Santino?

  I feel like cats, because of their genetic history, are very aware, they're very intelligent and they're aware that they used to be bigger and they're mad that they're not big anymore. Because in their mind, you can hear them saying like, you know, we used to kill, we used to eat you guys. We would eat you guys alive.

• 32:14Speaker 05

  And there still are some of my brethren who do still eat you.

• 32:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's right. And they will. And by the way, when I grow in my second life, I'm gonna eat you as well.

• 32:23Speaker 05

  I'll be looking for you on one of those safari tours. And I'm sure you'll be one of the idiots with your window rolled down.

• 32:31Andrew Santino?

  Whenever I see that. They're like, feed the lion. You're like, yeah, feed the lion. That's always worked out beneficial.

• 32:37Speaker 05

  Lion.

• 32:38Andrew Santino?

  Whenever I see a video online of someone getting attacked by a big wild animal, but they're in the animal's home. Ian Edwards had a great joke about that, about people that get shark attacks, that he's like, you're in his house. You're like shocked. He's like, if somebody walked into my house, I'd be like, do you know this guy?

• 32:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:53Andrew Santino?

  Then let's murder him immediately.

• 32:55Speaker 05

  That's another thing. I think in general, I root for nature, whether it's a hurricane.

• 33:01Speaker 05

  Or when I hear of an animal killing

• 33:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 33:04Speaker 05

  Humans.

• 33:05Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 33:05Speaker 05

  It's like, yeah, you're in, you know. The one thing that really pisses me off, dude, is, uh, people are like, oh, fucking coyote is here. And they're all like scared of the coyote. And I'm like, it's because we keep building houses where these motherfuckers used to live.

• 33:23Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 33:24Speaker 05

  So now they're coming down into the burbs and bears too. There's no more fucking food for them because we keep fucking, and they come down

• 33:33Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 33:33Speaker 05

  Into the, you, you know, you see those, uh, videos where a bear is in a store. Have you seen that shit?

• 33:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, cuz they're like, look, you know what you did to my house? Because we want, cuz Char- Charlisse Theron wants another mansion. And so the bear is gonna go, okay, well, I'm gonna come rip apart the town then. Because you built, you built on my property and I'm gonna come, I'm gonna start some shit. The coyotes, by the way, when a coyote eats a cat or a dog

• 33:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:58Andrew Santino?

  Locally.

• 33:59Speaker 05

  That's what they do.

• 34:00Andrew Santino?

  It's sad, but it's also like, fair game.

• 34:02Speaker 05

  I agree.

• 34:03Andrew Santino?

  We're in their house, man. I root for, uh, you know what, that's what it really is. When you asked why you like the hurricane, I think it's cuz we root for nature. We deserve the wrath. We fucked it up. What, what, what are you gonna be shocked? We did, we did all this shit. We fucked it up. I hope animals bond together. And this is a, a, a message to all my animal fans out there. Um, cuz I do have marsupials have been starting to get the viewership on this show a lot. We're getting a lot of marsupials. I want you guys to really ruin us. I think the attack, the, all these movies are about zombie attacks. I wish there was an animal attack.

• 34:33Speaker 05

  You know what, maybe we should write it.

• 34:35Andrew Santino?

  That's a great one.

• 34:36Speaker 05

  Or give it to a kid to write.

• 34:38Andrew Santino?

  He's 25, he'll do it.

• 34:39Speaker 05

  Are you 25? Oh, you've got the energy.

• 34:41Andrew Santino?

  26 now, he just turned 26, I forgot.

• 34:44Speaker 05

  You're getting up there then.

• 34:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's getting a little old.

• 34:45Speaker 05

  25 is the turning point. It's like, ah.

• 34:48Andrew Santino?

  He can no longer write, yeah. He's preoccupied.

• 34:51Speaker 05

  What the fuck is going on back here?

• 34:52Andrew Santino?

  Right, it all, it starts to hurt, right?

• 34:55Speaker 05

  By the way, it just reminded me. I went to a wedding and the day before the wedding was let's get to know each other. And they had a roller skating party.

• 35:06Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 35:07Speaker 05

  And it was for my sister's stepson in New York. And they're all doctors. It was two doctors marrying each other.

• 35:17Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 35:17Speaker 05

  I thought it'd be a good idea to try to skate because I I used to rollerblade around New York. I'm a big hockey guy. I love hockey. I used to rollerblade, play hockey a little bit. And I thought roller skates, this will be fine, but I knew it. I put them on and they felt shady like they were a little shaky. It didn't seem like they really gripped my ankle, but I was like, fuck it. I took no more than two steps.

• 35:48Speaker 05

  And I went like this backwards. You know, like my feet just went out from me, nothing to grab on to. I had no helmet or anything. If I would have hit my head, probably dead or just a vegetable. You know, I'd probably be a prop on F Boy Island. Whatever it is, whatever show.

• 36:07Andrew Santino?

  Been on the pepitone on the way out for good luck.

• 36:10Speaker 05

  I rub it, yeah.

• 36:11Andrew Santino?

  Rub the pepitone.

• 36:12Speaker 05

  But I landed, this happened at the end of May, I landed squarely on my back. Like boom, like I thought I had broken everything. But I was surrounded by doctors and they were ER doctors.

• 36:30Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you're good.

• 36:31Speaker 05

  So.

• 36:32Andrew Santino?

  No worries whatsoever.

• 36:33Speaker 05

  I just leaned back and go, do what you have to. And you know what they did? They just kept asking me the same question, did you hit your head? And I was like, no, it got to the point where I started getting angry. I said, no. And they're like, all right, don't get mad because sometimes people forget.

• 36:48Andrew Santino?

  But you didn't forget. You would have known if you hit your head.

• 36:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, I was fucked up for about six weeks.

• 36:53Andrew Santino?

  No more roller skating parties for you.

• 36:55Speaker 05

  No more roller skating.

• 36:56Andrew Santino?

  We were also at a very memorable wedding recently, and we have photos of this somewhere we can show that you were at Jeff Bezos's wedding.

• 37:01Speaker 05

  Yes, that's right.

• 37:03Andrew Santino?

  One of the best, one of the star guests, I guess.

• 37:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, I did, I did a little, I, I've been very critical of the billionaires, so Bezos is a guy who likes a roast.

• 37:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 37:13Speaker 05

  And I was like, hey Jeff, great to see you and, uh, uh, boy, there's a lot of botox here. Uh, but anyway, uh, Jeff, so you have robotic dogs now? That chase around your employees in warehouses? What the fuck? How can you turn our closest animal friend against us? Robotic dogs, you don't let your worker, and, and he loved it.

• 37:40Andrew Santino?

  He loved it, it crushed.

• 37:41Speaker 05

  He, he loved it. The people of Venice, though, uh, were protesting because that's a city. I don't know if you know this, that is going underwater, and they're saying it's gonna be underwater soon, with the canals and everything, it's. The canals are rising.

• 37:55Andrew Santino?

  They're rising bad. Well, I just saw, they flooded not too long ago, we saw a video of it.

• 37:58Speaker 05

  Did you?

• 37:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and you know what?

• 38:00Speaker 05

  You guys are on top of everything.

• 38:01Andrew Santino?

  Well, I was a part of the flooding. We turned on some of the, I'm not gonna lie, we turned on a couple of those pipes, cuz I figured, teach him a lesson, you know? But you, what did you get Jeff and his wife again for a gift? I, you remember, I remember you said it was a pretty big gift.

• 38:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, I feel like you're Christopher Guest now. Like, what did you, like, imagine if you're having tea with Guest in some shit diner over here? And he's like, what did you, uh, get for Jeff Bezos as a gift? And you're like, fuck.

• 38:25Andrew Santino?

  I have to tell him.

• 38:26Speaker 05

  I didn't, uh, no, I just got, I figured the guy's got fuck and everything.

• 38:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 38:30Speaker 05

  But I thought it would be funny to send him something on Amazon to this address. And, and it was just a rechargeable, like, little speaker, Bluetooth speaker.

• 38:41Andrew Santino?

  Well, you gotta have those. You don't have any of those. We need more of those. I, I'm saying that to friends and family. Please give me more rechargeable speakers. I don't have.

• 38:50Speaker 05

  By the way.

• 38:50Andrew Santino?

  I don't have enough. I need them, I need more.

• 38:52Speaker 05

  By the way. The fucking thing with Amazon is that I love electronics.

• 38:58Andrew Santino?

  Me too.

• 38:58Speaker 05

  You do, you guys do, and I fucking order them. And like I do have these rechargeable Bluetooth speakers.

• 39:06Andrew Santino?

  I have like seven in my house, never, why would I use them? Oh man, I'll take it outside and I'll be in the car. Never gonna use it.

• 39:12Speaker 05

  I'll put it on top of my car when I stop to overlook Mulholland.

• 39:19Andrew Santino?

  Never, I'll never, it's, they are, they are rechargeable speakers, we'll find out in a hundred years that they made thirty billion, you know?

• 39:27Speaker 05

  And were never used.

• 39:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they're like, the use time was about an hour and a half on average. Uh, and after that, they were never used ever again.

• 39:34Speaker 05

  And they use, uh, the minerals used to make them are like killing people all over the globe. Yet we never like, you know, and those kids who are going into mines in these, uh, third world countries are like going, you mean they never, I don't know what accent this is.

• 39:52Andrew Santino?

  But just, yeah, I like, I followed.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  You, you mean you never, they never used these things we make?

• 39:59Andrew Santino?

  Keep digging, that's all they would say, keep digging. Yeah, mining for, for lithium and all that good stuff. When you see those videos, it is soul crunching. It's like, well, this was bad.

• 40:11Speaker 05

  You watch a lot of videos. I stay away from like the hardcore, you know, videos.

• 40:18Andrew Santino?

  What's a late night video session for you then? What are you watching on the internet?

• 40:22Speaker 05

  Rock concerts?

• 40:23Andrew Santino?

  That's good.

• 40:24Speaker 05

  I mean, like, I, I'm an old guy and I still watch the same shit, like The Last Waltz. I can't get enough of The Last Waltz, you know what I'm talking about?

• 40:34Andrew Santino?

  This is like your favorite thing to watch?

• 40:35Speaker 05

  Uh, one of my favorite things to like, do you know what it is?

• 40:38Andrew Santino?

  No, what is The Last Waltz?

• 40:40Speaker 05

  You're younger, um, it is The Band. You know The Band? Levon Helm, Robbie Robertson, uh, all these guys, they're mostly dead now, but, um, they had a last concert and they knew everybody. So Van Morrison was a guest, Joni Mitchell was a guest, Neil Young was a guest, all my, all the people I grew up with crying in the car to, especially Van Morrison, I would cry, you know Van Morrison?

• 41:07Andrew Santino?

  I love Van Morrison.

• 41:08Speaker 05

  He, he's the Irish guy. He's great.

• 41:11Andrew Santino?

  Your favorite Van Morrison song?

• 41:14Speaker 05

  I'm gonna say, um, Saint Dominic's Preview, maybe?

• 41:20Andrew Santino?

  Pretty good song.

• 41:21Speaker 05

  Yeah?

• 41:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 41:22Speaker 05

  I just love it. It's, they're so soulful. He's so soulful, and I used to, I went through a lot of breakups when I was younger, when I was hot. There was a lot of mixed feelings. I would hurt people, they would hurt me. Now that I'm like this, it's, you know, it's very straightforward.

• 41:38Andrew Santino?

  It's pretty cut and dry.

• 41:39Speaker 05

  Please have sex with me. You know?

• 41:44Speaker 05

  But back then, a lot of hurt feelings because of my physical prowess.

• 41:48Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 41:48Speaker 05

  And I would cry in the car a lot, and Van Morrison, there would be a particular, did you ever have this in your life? A particular song that would turn on the Waterworks?

• 41:58Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm. I got a couple in the brain.

• 42:01Speaker 05

  Well, one was Happy Birthday.

• 42:02Andrew Santino?

  Happy Birthday, that would really bring back some sad memories. And Feliz Navidad, ironically.

• 42:09Speaker 05

  Feliz Navidad.

• 42:10Andrew Santino?

  Both ways it really hit me for some reason.

• 42:11Speaker 05

  Waterworks, Feliz Navidad.

• 42:13Andrew Santino?

  Other languages birthday just gets me good. Van Morrison, We Were Born Before the Wind, right?

• 42:19Speaker 05

  We Were Born Before the Wind.

• 42:21Andrew Santino?

  I mean, yeah, what a, one of the best songwriters. I had a big crush on, uh, James Taylor when I was a kid. I think because my dad liked James Taylor, so I liked James Taylor.

• 42:31Speaker 05

  Where are you from?

• 42:32Andrew Santino?

  Chicago.

• 42:33Speaker 05

  Oh, you're a Chicago guy, okay.

• 42:34Andrew Santino?

  I think because my dad liked James Taylor in the car, I liked James. So it reminds me of, uh, of the nineties of smoke, when people would smoke in their car, when that was a very normal thing with windows up, you know?

• 42:47Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 42:47Andrew Santino?

  Or he would crack it, my dad would crack it, just like this much.

• 42:50Speaker 05

  Fireman. No, he wasn't a fireman.

• 42:51Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, he was, my grandfather was. No, he, my dad was construction. And, uh, and, and he would crack it just a little bit, so some would get out, but we'd still be in a haze. And the smell of the sun on a cloth car, on an Oldsmobile seat with smoke soaked in it.

• 43:07Speaker 05

  I've seen fire, I've seen rain.

• 43:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:11Speaker 05

  Man, that, that would always get me up. You're like, you mean, he never, he never saw her again? Just the way, I'm not never gonna see Manuela again.

• 43:21Andrew Santino?

  She didn't die in a crash, but it's same she did. Same, same, same shit. Let me name some artists. You tell me if you like them or hate them. It's a, this is a Pepitone, love them or hate them and go into great detail. Okay? Yes, Mr. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And go into detail of how much you like them or dislike them. Okay?

• 43:39Speaker 00

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• 44:08Speaker 01

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• 44:37Speaker 06

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• 45:08Andrew Santino?

  Zeppelin.

• 45:10Speaker 05

  Love them. Fucking love them.

• 45:13Andrew Santino?

  The Beatles.

• 45:14Speaker 05

  Fucking love them. As a matter of fact, do you have Sirius XM radio in your car?

• 45:19Andrew Santino?

  I don't have it anymore. I gave it up.

• 45:21Speaker 05

  Oh, you left?

• 45:22Andrew Santino?

  Well, they did the renewal thing and then they were charging so much money that I was like, why am I giving you that?

• 45:26Speaker 05

  The higher they go, the more I'm in.

• 45:29Andrew Santino?

  You're in. More, charge me more, you say?

• 45:32Speaker 05

  I, I use reverse psychology's, reverse psychology on these subscription things. You wanna charge me higher? I'm like, I'll see you and let's see when you're gonna raise it. It's a poker game to me.

• 45:46Andrew Santino?

  Smart, dude.

• 45:47Speaker 05

  And I'm always bluffing.

• 45:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're never-

• 45:49Speaker 05

  Because I'm out of money.

• 45:50Andrew Santino?

  Right, right. It doesn't ma- you're not gonna pay the bill anyway. It doesn't matter.

• 45:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I grew up, my first album, like, you know, I, I was born in nineteen fifty-eight.

• 45:59Andrew Santino?

  No, you weren't. Were you really?

• 46:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:02Andrew Santino?

  I thought you were younger than that for sure. That's great.

• 46:04Speaker 05

  I look younger and I seem younger.

• 46:06Andrew Santino?

  The way you live is youthful, yes.

• 46:08Speaker 05

  The way I live is such a bon vivant. I go from diner to diner, you know.

• 46:15Speaker 05

  By the way, doesn't it suck that there's not many diners?

• 46:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's, they're all, they, well, we don't, I think-

• 46:23Speaker 05

  What the fuck is that?

• 46:24Andrew Santino?

  Because we don't wanna sit and eat anymore. We want, we got, we wanna go.

• 46:27Speaker 05

  Really? You think it's that?

• 46:28Andrew Santino?

  I think American culture is go. I want, you wanna sit. I know, you love those crosswords. You just wanna go.

• 46:33Speaker 05

  Like eggs.

• 46:34Andrew Santino?

  People wanna go. They gotta go. I wanna, that, everything is to go. I gotta get it to go. We gotta go. I've gotta go. We've got shit, people have too much shit to do.

• 46:43Speaker 05

  That's true.

• 46:43Andrew Santino?

  As comics, we don't. We have almost nothing to do. We've just make shit to do.

• 46:49Speaker 05

  You know what's even more hilarious than comics are actors.

• 46:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, those are real people.

• 46:55Speaker 05

  Those are what?

• 46:56Andrew Santino?

  They're not real people.

• 46:56Speaker 05

  They're not real people and I originally, um, I took a lot of acting courses in New York. So I originally was really gonna be an actor, you know?

• 47:06Andrew Santino?

  But you are a great, you are a great actor, bud.

• 47:08Speaker 05

  I'm okay.

• 47:09Andrew Santino?

  No, you're pretty good, man.

• 47:10Speaker 05

  No, I love comedy. I always loved comedy. I always wanted to be a stand-up, but I started taking all these acting lessons. When you take acting lessons, you know, the teachers really take the shit seriously.

• 47:21Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:22Speaker 05

  And so I started to think, this is gonna be my means of expression to get back at my parents. And.

• 47:30Andrew Santino?

  How did that work out?

• 47:31Speaker 05

  Not good because I it's tough to be a really good actor.

• 47:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 05

  Cause you gotta fucking you've done it too.

• 47:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but not not good. I've done it to my only ability, which is like as good as I can be. But I I I feel like a fraud because when you're when you're with real actors, I get I'm like, forget about it.

• 47:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, you ever fucking you ever fucking be with a real actor? You're like watching them going, holy shit. So that's what you do.

• 47:55Andrew Santino?

  That's what it's supposed to be. Well, how can I keep faking it? That's what it is. How do I keep pretending like?

• 48:00Speaker 05

  I even used to go and I'm glad I don't go on them anymore. I just will not do it. I used to audition and the most humiliating thing in the world for commercials.

• 48:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I did. What do you mean? I did it for years and years and years and years.

• 48:12Speaker 05

  Oh, my God. The last one I ever did was for something. I forget what the product was, but it was a potato chip. That prevented anal leakage and I kid you not about that. I know you think it's a bit. And of course, and I've had this many times where the director of these shit commercials are British and they're like, Eddie, you're not doing it properly.

• 48:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 48:36Speaker 05

  You know?

• 48:36Andrew Santino?

  I don't believe the leakage, Eddie. I don't believe that it's blocking the leakage.

• 48:40Speaker 05

  He yelled at me actually and I and I yelled back and then I got a call from my agent, my commercial agent who I love. She was hot.

• 48:49Andrew Santino?

  They're always good looking commercial agents.

• 48:51Speaker 05

  She was.

• 48:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they usually are.

• 48:53Speaker 05

  She cared about me. She said, do you know and she kept me in the game a little bit for a while. I'd never booked him, but she said, do you know that this commercial could change your life? She would say it like that.

• 49:02Andrew Santino?

  Anal leakage chips could have changed your life?

• 49:04Speaker 05

  Not anal, but one of, you know, like a big national or whatever. You know, it could change your life. Eddie, it could change your life.

• 49:12Andrew Santino?

  What does that do to you when somebody says that?

• 49:14Speaker 05

  Well, from a from a pretty from an attractive woman, it makes me think, yes, she's correct.

• 49:19Andrew Santino?

  But from an ugly guy?

• 49:21Speaker 05

  I think, you know, they're idiots.

• 49:22Andrew Santino?

  Right, right. It's all bullshit.

• 49:24Speaker 05

  You do it, I say to them. To her, I say, I will try to please you.

• 49:28Andrew Santino?

  I'll try. Try is the key word. What? You got the chip? What's the?

• 49:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, Olestra, also known as Olean. That was it.

• 49:36Andrew Santino?

  Olean chips. Never booked it.

• 49:39Speaker 05

  And I never went back.

• 49:41Andrew Santino?

  Did you ever book any commercials? You've had to have booked commercials.

• 49:44Speaker 05

  What was that?

• 49:45Andrew Santino?

  You've booked commercials.

• 49:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, everybody says that. I must have booked something, maybe one, but I don't remember it because I would go in with such an attitude.

• 49:56Speaker 05

  When I got to LA, which was 2003, I would drive, you know, it was before all this bullshit with the pandemic, so everything was in person.

• 50:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 50:08Speaker 05

  And I would have to drive to Santa Monica. I was living in Hollywood back then, and I hated it.

• 50:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the drive along.

• 50:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, the drive along, I would drive, super pissed off, and all the commercials were like, honey, how'd you get this shirt so fresh?

• 50:25Speaker 05

  And I would just be pissed about it.

• 50:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 50:27Speaker 05

  And they knew it, they would sense my anger. Eddie, no, no, just a warmer, warmer, they would say.

• 50:34Andrew Santino?

  This is as warm as I can be.

• 50:35Speaker 05

  This is all I could be. Have you fought the traffic today? And I can't leave now till 7:30.

• 50:45Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 50:45Speaker 05

  Like, you ever get stuck on the west side?

• 50:47Andrew Santino?

  You're stuck, I have to go out, now I have to go get a taco and sit in my car and wait.

• 50:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:52Andrew Santino?

  Till I can manageably get home within an hour and a half.

• 50:55Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 50:55Andrew Santino?

  That's what it is.

• 50:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, I used to wait it out, and on the beach, just getting burnt on the beach, just sitting on the beach because I read the ocean heals you, you know? And I would be near the ocean and just, it would be too hot after a while, you know? I didn't have a, I didn't have a beach umbrella, I didn't have a blanket, I'd just be sitting there in my audition clothes, you know?

• 51:18Andrew Santino?

  On the sand.

• 51:19Speaker 05

  On the sand.

• 51:20Andrew Santino?

  Just loving it. You don't seem like a beach guy, Eddie.

• 51:22Speaker 05

  I'm not, I'm not, but I, I, I love, I do love the water.

• 51:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you like to swim, huh?

• 51:29Speaker 05

  Uh, I'm scared of the ocean, but I love swimming, man, I love big pools.

• 51:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 51:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, do you have one?

• 51:36Andrew Santino?

  I don't have a big pool, no.

• 51:37Speaker 05

  I don't have anything.

• 51:39Andrew Santino?

  But we can break into any big pool at any given time.

• 51:41Speaker 05

  That's true.

• 51:42Andrew Santino?

  I thought about that the first time I came to LA when I flew over, and I, I thought, look at how many of these people have pools.

• 51:49Speaker 05

  All these people have pools. That's the stereotype of LA. It's so funny. Like you see the big pools in Bel Air and Beverly Hills. They don't use them. Brentwood. Yeah. I don't think they do. They don't ever use. Why would they use the pool? It's like a Bluetooth speaker. The same thing, in their mind the same way. Mind the same way? You mean, we build the pools. I don't know what accent it is. No, that's good. We build the pools and they don't swim? Why don't they swim? They're Italian. Why don't you swim? They're Italian. You have to swim if I'm going to build. How come all the minerals are in Sicily?

• 52:32Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 52:34Andrew Santino?

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• 53:19Andrew Santino?

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• 54:00Andrew Santino?

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• 54:43Andrew Santino?

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• 55:22Andrew Santino?

  I'll tell you, I had a beautiful Italian moment.

• 55:26Andrew Santino?

  My dad is, you know, he's wonderfully old and kind of closed-minded and he's in his, you know, this is how I think. Yeah, they're all in Chicago. Nobody leaves. I got out. I escaped. I'm Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption.

• 55:41Speaker 05

  By the way, yes, by the way, you have a big poster in there. They don't know you're gone.

• 55:46Andrew Santino?

  They have no idea. No. Rita Hayworth is still on my bedroom wall. They've yet to discover.

• 55:51Speaker 05

  I haven't seen Andrew in a few years.

• 55:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he'll call.

• 55:53Speaker 05

  Ah, fuck it, he'll call. But I love the comedy audiences there, though.

• 55:59Andrew Santino?

  One of the best. One of the best. Chicago, Boston, Philly.

• 56:03Speaker 05

  Chicago, yeah, I performed, uh, the last, the special that's on Veep's now, in Chicago in, uh, Lincoln.

• 56:10Andrew Santino?

  Lincoln Park.

• 56:11Speaker 05

  Hall.

• 56:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Lincoln Hall. Oh, wow.

• 56:13Speaker 05

  Which is mainly a music venue.

• 56:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 56:16Speaker 05

  But I've done stand-up there and I like it. I just love the Chicago audiences.

• 56:20Andrew Santino?

  Chicago, Chicago is, it's like the, it's the best of the east coast, but has a more homey or feel. So it has east coast.

• 56:28Speaker 05

  And they get it.

• 56:29Andrew Santino?

  But yeah, they do. Yeah.

• 56:31Speaker 05

  They fucking get it. And what were the other cities you named?

• 56:33Andrew Santino?

  Philly, Boston.

• 56:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:35Andrew Santino?

  I love Philly for some, Philly's always been so good to me.

• 56:37Speaker 05

  I love New England, in general.

• 56:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, New England in general is always really good to me.

• 56:40Speaker 05

  Philly too, huh?

• 56:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Philly's great to me. I don't know why.

• 56:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, I like Philly.

• 56:44Andrew Santino?

  Pittsburgh, on the other hand, not so nice to me.

• 56:46Speaker 05

  Well, you gotta get the right place. Bottle Rocket, have you done that?

• 56:48Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 56:49Speaker 05

  It's a good place.

• 56:50Andrew Santino?

  I just never, Pittsburgh never really hit for me. I don't know why.

• 56:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, it's a disgustingly drab.

• 56:55Andrew Santino?

  Bridges. A lot of bridges, they brag about these bridges.

• 56:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I've had this place, I've, and the Pittsburgh hipsters love me.

• 57:03Andrew Santino?

  Uh, the, the pitsters, yeah, they call them pitsters.

• 57:05Speaker 05

  The pitsters?

• 57:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they call them pitsters, yeah. Well, oh, oh, so let me, let me say this, this, this blew my mind, that, that we were at, I took my mom and dad and we're walking in, in Italy and, and the guy says, um, he's asking about it, we're at a, we're at a, a vineyard and, uh, my dad is asking about the cultivation of the grape. Well, when do you decide to pick them? You know, we don't, I don't know anything about wine.

• 57:27Speaker 05

  Cultivation of the.

• 57:28Andrew Santino?

  Of the grapes.

• 57:28Speaker 05

  Oh, so you're in a vineyard, yeah.

• 57:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and he said, you know, and, and, and the woman says, uh, well, uh, we used to pick, uh, uh, later in the season, but now we pick earlier because of the climate. And my dad goes, oh, really? And so I'm like, well, here's a farmer, saying to my dad, well, the climate is literally changing. I have to change the way I pick grapes. And he was like.

• 57:49Speaker 05

  Your dad isn't buying it.

• 57:50Andrew Santino?

  He didn't buy an inch of it. He was like, nah, that's probably because of the, something, you know, because of the timing of the wine and a thing. And I go, I don't know. Just told the fucking, a farmer, but the farmer's like, no, we have to because of the, the grapes, uh, it will go bad early, because of the climate. My dad, no fucking chance, this world, no way.

• 58:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, and we wonder why there's no hope of the divisions in this country being healed, because everybody is like, oh, really?

• 58:18Andrew Santino?

  Is that, oh, is that so?

• 58:19Speaker 05

  Really? You don't do your own research, I guess.

• 58:25Andrew Santino?

  That you don't do your own research is my favorite.

• 58:26Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 58:27Andrew Santino?

  You gotta do your own research, man.

• 58:28Speaker 05

  No, I let, I let the doctors tell me what a shimi is.

• 58:33Andrew Santino?

  What do they know? They don't know what a shimi is.

• 58:35Speaker 05

  They don't know shit. They're bought and paid for. What, you know what's fucked up about a lot of it is, they're partly right.

• 58:41Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 58:41Speaker 05

  Like, yeah, doctors are bought and, you know, there's an element that they are bought and paid for by pharmaceutical.

• 58:47Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 58:48Speaker 05

  Uh, but also, they also know the body better than you, Luigi.

• 58:53Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't think you do.

• 58:54Speaker 05

  I don't think they do.

• 58:56Andrew Santino?

  I know it better than you, Pepitone.

• 58:57Speaker 05

  We're making a pause.

• 59:00Andrew Santino?

  Everybody is bought and paid for. Everything is a lie. And I think you just pick which version of the lie of life that you're interested in.

• 59:07Speaker 05

  Yes, at this point, you know, and I've always been someone who rails. Uh, just because my dad was a union leader and I was always very left-wing and I always railed against the rich. And at this point, I'm just like hoping I do become rich.

• 59:25Andrew Santino?

  So you can rail against yourself.

• 59:28Andrew Santino?

  I mean, you do love, we love to self-hate. Comics love self-hate.

• 59:31Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 59:32Andrew Santino?

  So that's the best part about it then. If you get, you'll become a billionaire soon. We know. After the Veep thing takes off.

• 59:37Speaker 05

  Well, it depends on the left ventricle that's going.

• 59:40Andrew Santino?

  If that ishimiya stays, stays away, you're fine.

• 59:42Speaker 05

  If the ishimiya stays dormant.

• 59:45Andrew Santino?

  Then you're good.

• 59:46Speaker 05

  I'm okay.

• 59:46Andrew Santino?

  I do want, you said it, you breezed over it, but what, you said you've been, uh, out loud critical about billionaires. Not a, not a hot take, but give me your version of it. Why, what's your biggest beef?

• 59:58Speaker 05

  Well, just that, uh, and I've always been like this because my dad was a union leader, always rallying. He, the first book my dad ever gave me was called The, The Rich and the Super Rich by a guy named Ferdinand Lundberg. And he just talked about how the Ameri, I don't think he lived in America, but how the American population is busy being distracted by everything while the banks and the insurance companies bend them over and just fuck them. And he was so visceral, he was great. And so my take is that the polarization of wealth now in the country, now, it's like,

• 1:00:38Speaker 05

  it's like the, the worst it's ever been almost in history. Like you got Bezos and those guys, Musk, Bezos, I don't know who the other.

• 1:00:46Andrew Santino?

  Zuckerberg.

• 1:00:47Speaker 05

  Zuckerberg, uh, fucking Branson, uh, Gates, all these guys, right?

• 1:00:54Speaker 05

  It's, by the way, who needs a billion dollars? Not only do they have a billion dollars, they have a hundred ten billion.

• 1:01:01Andrew Santino?

  Hundred billion, yeah.

• 1:01:01Speaker 05

  And then, like, the bottom fifty percent of America has, like, you know, a hot plate in it, in, in the Mark Twain Hotel over here. You ever see the Mark Twain Hotel? Do you ever see the Mark Twain Motel in fucking Hollywood? You would think Mark Twain would have a better hotel in his name.

• 1:01:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:24Speaker 05

  But then again, I don't know if you know anything about Mark Twain. He went bankrupt a few times. He had a fucking very unlucky life.

• 1:01:33Andrew Santino?

  But didn't, didn't a lot of these great artists go, do this, the, the, these stories?

• 1:01:36Speaker 05

  It wasn't self-inflicted by Twain. And do you know that Mark Twain, do you know this? He was really the first. He needed to tour the country and gave lectures. He was basically the first stand-up comic.

• 1:01:49Andrew Santino?

  No shit?

• 1:01:50Speaker 05

  He used to just go across the United States and then probably Europe, but he went across the United States just making people laugh.

• 1:01:58Andrew Santino?

  Speaking engagements. Was he ever reading anything he wrote, or no, it was just him speaking?

• 1:02:02Speaker 05

  I, I'm not sure about that, but he was funny, Mark Twain.

• 1:02:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, it, it, I, I think the interesting thing about, like, the, like, great artists or orators or anything in that. You read all these things about, a lot of these guys died broke and we, they're immortalized for their art and you go to a fucking museum and you see an art piece and it's worth, you know, you know, Sotheby's is like, this piece is a hundred and seventy-five million dollars.

• 1:02:26Speaker 05

  Van Gogh's the best example of that.

• 1:02:28Andrew Santino?

  And he died super poor, right? He was broke and...

• 1:02:30Speaker 05

  Super poor. He's cutting off body parts, mailing them.

• 1:02:34Andrew Santino?

  He sold that ear for money, yeah. He needed that money.

• 1:02:35Speaker 05

  He's mailing body parts and back then, i- i- in Holland, the mail system was very slow.

• 1:02:42Andrew Santino?

  Not as good as it is today.

• 1:02:44Speaker 05

  By the time his ear got to the woman, you know, it was shriveled and not impressive.

• 1:02:49Andrew Santino?

  The gig was up. The gig was up. It's so funny to think that the mail was so slow, the joke didn't land by the time it got there. Too much time had changed. And comedy is about timing and it's just, it just didn't work.

• 1:03:01Speaker 05

  It's all, it was really, Van Gogh thought this would hit.

• 1:03:05Andrew Santino?

  Didn't hit.

• 1:03:06Speaker 05

  Didn't hit. No, but his paintings were... Mega millions.

• 1:03:10Andrew Santino?

  Hundreds, yeah, I don't even know.

• 1:03:11Speaker 05

  You know, of a, of a wick a share, or whatever, you know? And meanwhile, the guy wound up, you know, just making a life in a ditch that he dug.

• 1:03:21Andrew Santino?

  It's crazy. What's, what's, what's his name, uh, Michelangelo had lead poisoning and because of his, the paint dripping in his eyes.

• 1:03:28Speaker 05

  He wasn't one of those broke guys.

• 1:03:31Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, but I'm saying like he just, he just would rather die doing art.

• 1:03:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, how do you feel about that?

• 1:03:36Andrew Santino?

  Of die doing art?

• 1:03:38Speaker 05

  Well.

• 1:03:38Andrew Santino?

  We're doing it right now. We're dying right now, live in front of these people. I feel like comedy is one of those things that, um, comedy is one of those things that we are, we are such a, um, we're a stepchild of the world. We're, we're, we're loved, but it's not, it's not, we're not actually this kid. You know, we're not the kid. And I said this as a step, as a stepson.

• 1:04:01Speaker 05

  We didn't get the love we needed.

• 1:04:04Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:04:05Speaker 05

  Okay? And my mom was in and out of mental institutions. This is for real, when I was a young, young kid. So I definitely didn't get any mother love, which is why whenever, when any woman gives me any kind of attention, I'm like.

• 1:04:20Andrew Santino?

  Like a little dog.

• 1:04:21Speaker 05

  It's crazy. But here's something I read that I think will perk you up a little, is that stand-ups. And people who perform and get love from audiences, which we do, um, it lengthens your life big time.

• 1:04:36Andrew Santino?

  Theirs or ours?

• 1:04:39Speaker 05

  Both.

• 1:04:39Andrew Santino?

  Both.

• 1:04:40Speaker 05

  But definitely ours, like all the, that love that we get on stage is a huge, I, I don't know what it, endorphin hit? Or whatever it is, but it's the same as your mother saying, you know what? You are a good little man.

• 1:04:59Andrew Santino?

  That's all we wanted.

• 1:05:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:01Andrew Santino?

  You only wanted to hear that. You're a good little man.

• 1:05:03Speaker 05

  I scream at the audience at the end of my set, "Am I a good little man now?"

• 1:05:11Andrew Santino?

  No, I just think stand-ups are this cultural phenomenon where they like you.

• 1:05:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:16Andrew Santino?

  They like you, but they don't need us. I mean, you know what I mean? It's like, they like you, but if, if, if, if one day somebody goes, "Stand-up's gone forever," everyone would go, "Ah, what are you gonna do?" If you took away music, people would be really mad.

• 1:05:29Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:05:30Andrew Santino?

  On the scale of, of performance art, if you took us away, people would be bummed. But they, I feel like they would get over us, and that's kind of the life of a stand-up. They'd go, "Man, that stinks."

• 1:05:40Speaker 05

  No, but it is true because of the way things have gotten, particularly here.

• 1:05:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:47Speaker 05

  That, I don't know if you hear this, but, "Oh, we need stand-ups more than ever."

• 1:05:51Andrew Santino?

  They say that.

• 1:05:51Speaker 05

  That kind of thing. They say that.

• 1:05:53Andrew Santino?

  They say that. But I feel like we are a valuable part of society, but again, in the revolution, okay, when the time comes for the dogs and the animals to kill us, right? And the sacrifice, who gets to go first? They'll go, "Who do we save?" The dogs will go, "Who do we save?" And they'll go, "We need people to help us physically, so we'll need someone with some doc total experience."

• 1:06:13Speaker 05

  No, we're on the, on the lower.

• 1:06:15Andrew Santino?

  We're the bottom of the bottom.

• 1:06:16Speaker 05

  Lower of the...

• 1:06:16Andrew Santino?

  It's us, jugglers.

• 1:06:20Andrew Santino?

  Jugglers and mimes are pretty close.

• 1:06:21Speaker 05

  Knife throwers are useful in a time of war.

• 1:06:24Andrew Santino?

  Right, so they're, it's right, they're multifaceted. We need more skill set. I think we are very valuable. I just also think that stand-up gets a... Stand-up does get a societal, it's got its moments in time and it goes away. Like, you know when they joke about the ebbs and flows of stand-up? It was a boom in the eighties. It was a boom in...

• 1:06:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:42Andrew Santino?

  But then people get sick of our shit. There's never been a time in music where they go, "It was the music boom." No, it's, it's a, it's a forever... If, if musics, musicians are making more art, people want to see new mu, hear new music. When we have, when, when they're tired of us, they go, "God, guys, go away for a little bit."

• 1:06:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I feel like they, they, this, this is what's hurtful, is that they like us very selectively. Like, they'll pick a few of us out and go, "We like those."

• 1:07:10Andrew Santino?

  That's the one we like.

• 1:07:11Speaker 05

  Who's he? Like, they love to go, "Who the fuck is that?" "I never heard of him."

• 1:07:20Speaker 05

  "And if I never heard of him, he must suck."

• 1:07:24Andrew Santino?

  It's the opposite with bands. They'd go, "Who is this band?" With a comic, they go, "Who the fuck is that asshole?"

• 1:07:30Speaker 05

  You know where it's different? I swear to God, and I don't know if you've experienced this, I don't know how much you go overseas, but they really take comedy seriously in the UK.

• 1:07:40Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they want, they want good comedy, yeah.

• 1:07:43Speaker 05

  Well, they also-

• 1:07:44Andrew Santino?

  We brought them a bunch of shit.

• 1:07:45Speaker 05

  You what?

• 1:07:45Andrew Santino?

  We brought, we brought them bullshit.

• 1:07:48Speaker 05

  I did the Edinburgh, Edinburgh Fringe Festival twice, which, by the way, almost killed me both times. But they would have huge, and I wasn't used to this, huge newspapers reviewing my shows.

• 1:08:02Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that scares the shit out of me. That's such a big deal.

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  It was!

• 1:08:05Andrew Santino?

  Right? You're doing a show a night for thirty days? Is that what it is?

• 1:08:08Speaker 05

  It was ridiculous. Ev- I did it twice. That schedule, you'd have one day off in thirty fucking days. It was like Groundhog Day.

• 1:08:18Andrew Santino?

  But it made you, it strengthened your comedy is what everybody says.

• 1:08:21Speaker 05

  Big time!

• 1:08:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they just say it's, it's, you're, you are really putting in the, when we do the work-

• 1:08:25Speaker 05

  If you live.

• 1:08:26Andrew Santino?

  If you live.

• 1:08:27Speaker 05

  And it's like mentally, there's, a lot of people fucking break down mentally, seriously.

• 1:08:33Andrew Santino?

  It's pretty cool.

• 1:08:33Speaker 05

  But, yes, it's like rooting for a hurricane.

• 1:08:36Andrew Santino?

  Right, that's our hurricane.

• 1:08:38Speaker 05

  "Holy shit, did you hear about Will Stevens?"

• 1:08:41Andrew Santino?

  What happened?

• 1:08:41Speaker 05

  "He's losing it."

• 1:08:44Speaker 05

  "He doesn't come out of the apartment on High Street."

• 1:08:47Andrew Santino?

  That's day seventeen. You're just over half and you're breaking. By the way, they did a movie, or they did a TV show, uh, uh, Baby Reindeer.

• 1:08:55Speaker 05

  Oh, my god!

• 1:08:56Andrew Santino?

  Was about a guy who did fringe, who started to have mental breaks, right? That's what that was about. Well, yeah, a stalker starts-

• 1:09:02Speaker 05

  Well, this, did you see it?

• 1:09:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Baby Reindeer was great. But I mean, the idea of-

• 1:09:06Speaker 05

  He did a one-person show.

• 1:09:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, right.

• 1:09:08Speaker 05

  And some people have got, also, the, the woman who did, I forget her name, Phoebe Waller, some, she did Sneeback.

• 1:09:14Andrew Santino?

  Waller Bridges, yeah.

• 1:09:15Speaker 05

  She did a one-person show and became huge. Some people-

• 1:09:19Andrew Santino?

  Well, because they, because I think both of those things, uh, embraced the

• 1:09:25Speaker 05

  Zeitgeist?

• 1:09:25Andrew Santino?

  This chaos and the sadness of how, how heavy that is to perform all the time and barking for, you're really singing for your soup. That's truly old school, like, please come see me, please come see me, please come see me.

• 1:09:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, I luckily didn't have to do that because

• 1:09:39Andrew Santino?

  You co-headlined with Kevin Hart, that's why.

• 1:09:43Speaker 05

  Kevin Hart's material sings overseas.

• 1:09:48Andrew Santino?

  But you did co-headline, you and Kevin.

• 1:09:50Speaker 05

  I hurt myself running.

• 1:09:54Speaker 05

  That's my Kevin Hart.

• 1:09:55Andrew Santino?

  That's a good Kevin Hart.

• 1:09:56Speaker 05

  It's not bad. I hurt myself running. I always use the accent. That'll get me in the least trouble. But, um, I

• 1:10:05Andrew Santino?

  I broke my ankle. How can you believe? God, this Kevin Hart is good.

• 1:10:12Andrew Santino?

  Now this Kevin Hart I like.

• 1:10:15Speaker 05

  Hello, I'm Kevin Hart.

• 1:10:20Speaker 05

  But I came back from the Fringe Festival, both times. So sick, bronchitis, like, no rest, and my act tends to be loud. At the end of the first run, the first 30 day set I did, I had no voice by, by the last week. So the last week, and that's when they were deciding who would get best of the Fringe. And of course, my manager, uh, and the people there were going, you got a shot at best of the Fringe. They're here tonight. And I'd be like, everybody, like, I had no voice left. And the stress.

• 1:10:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the stress is heavy on you. Are you writing every day? That, are you, are you redefining the act or are you just perfecting it?

• 1:11:04Speaker 05

  Not me. Yeah, I, I, you know, I, I'm very improviser, improvisatory, but at some point, I just was like, if I get through the show, like, day 23?

• 1:11:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:16Speaker 05

  If I get It's a day thirty, that's a victory.

• 1:11:19Andrew Santino?

  It's a war of attrition at some point. And that's who really, did you win that year? Who won?

• 1:11:23Speaker 05

  I didn't win, no.

• 1:11:24Andrew Santino?

  Who did? Do you remember?

• 1:11:25Speaker 05

  Ah, I forget, some scumbag. You know, somebody who had an act, and I'm serious, uh, where they didn't say a word and they were taped up in duct tape.

• 1:11:37Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it's, I know who this is.

• 1:11:38Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:11:39Andrew Santino?

  Or, I mean, I've seen it before on the internet, I know who this is, yeah, it's like a tape guy, yeah, tape. The Tape Comic, if you look that up, that's a-

• 1:11:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, Tape Face or something.

• 1:11:46Andrew Santino?

  Tape Face, or, yeah, Tape Face, is it Tape Face?

• 1:11:48Speaker 05

  I don't know, but-

• 1:11:48Andrew Santino?

  I think that's the name, it might, yeah, look that up.

• 1:11:50Speaker 05

  It was kinda brilliant, and I thought, "That's how you save your voice."

• 1:11:57Andrew Santino?

  Lesson learned.

• 1:11:58Speaker 05

  Lesson learned.

• 1:11:59Andrew Santino?

  Just start taping, Eddie. Why, why are you wasting all this time?

• 1:12:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm just sitting in an office on Wilshire with my agent going, "I'm going to tape myself this year in Edinburgh." "You mean, record it? No, no." "You see this duct tape I just got at DIY? I am gonna tape-"

• 1:12:18Andrew Santino?

  My whole body.

• 1:12:18Speaker 05

  My whole body, not say a word, and just throw myself in the audience, and, and, and the guy was doing shit, like he'd be in front of it, and somebody going, like, and it was just this thing, and it was-

• 1:12:30Andrew Santino?

  That was the thing. And it did well, I guess, right?

• 1:12:33Speaker 05

  It did very well, he won. And I was like, "What, what about me?"

• 1:12:39Andrew Santino?

  They're like, "We're flying you home. You have to go." They don't fly you home, right? You have to put yourself out there, don't you have to do that? Don't they make you fly yourself and put yourself up and stuff?

• 1:12:47Speaker 05

  Yep, in my case, I had it paid for the first year, I think both years, actually. But, most people go down ten grand.

• 1:12:56Andrew Santino?

  God, that's crazy.

• 1:12:57Speaker 05

  Ten grand to do that.

• 1:12:59Andrew Santino?

  Pain.

• 1:13:00Speaker 05

  And then they all say, "Oh, it was great experi-" not all of them. The honest people will be like, "I'll fucking never do it again."

• 1:13:07Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm, one and done. I thought, I, I, Ari, I think, Shafir told me, he was like, "You gotta try it once."

• 1:13:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:14Andrew Santino?

  And I was like, "Ah, once, I don't know." It just, it scared the shit out of me, that much is-

• 1:13:18Speaker 05

  You would probably do great, though, and you're, you know, I got to Ireland, it, you know what was interesting, it's like a, eh, I got to perform in a lot of places around the world because of that.

• 1:13:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, right, that opens you up to that, yeah.

• 1:13:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, they, they see you, you know, I got to do Melbourne, I got to do Oslo, I got to do Ireland.

• 1:13:36Andrew Santino?

  How's Oslo? Good?

• 1:13:38Speaker 05

  They were amazing.

• 1:13:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:40Speaker 05

  They speak, and this is always funny to me, they speak better English than us.

• 1:13:43Andrew Santino?

  Of course. Yeah, we don't take it serious, right?

• 1:13:46Speaker 05

  They don't take it.

• 1:13:47Andrew Santino?

  We got a free ride. We didn't have to pay for the ride. We got the free ride. We're born here. We got the gift of, of all the shit.

• 1:13:52Speaker 05

  No, but I couldn't believe the response I got in Oslo.

• 1:13:56Andrew Santino?

  Very good, Daddy. We like you.

• 1:13:59Speaker 05

  You know what's hard? For me, anyway, I performed, I performed, and I did it three times in Amsterdam.

• 1:14:06Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I've never performed.

• 1:14:07Speaker 05

  And they don't laugh that much.

• 1:14:09Andrew Santino?

  But they still like you.

• 1:14:10Speaker 05

  They like you, but you don't hear it, and I have to hear it. Like, I'm like, mommy? Where are you? You're not institutionalized again, are you, mom? Mommy?

• 1:14:24Andrew Santino?

  How many times did she really go to the, to that, to that, to that beautiful place?

• 1:14:29Speaker 05

  A bunch, and she wound up there at the end of her life, and it was like...

• 1:14:32Andrew Santino?

  That's tough.

• 1:14:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, oh. I mean, that's why, you know, I am what I am, as Popeye would say. It's like, and at the end of her life, I, I mean, that's why everything to me, and I don't, like, a disaster like the World Trade Center happens, and I'm like,

• 1:14:49Speaker 05

  and I was right there.

• 1:14:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:51Speaker 05

  I was living in New York, where I had to go through a checkpoint to get to my apartment. It was...

• 1:14:56Andrew Santino?

  Jesus.

• 1:14:57Speaker 05

  I lived near Union Square. It was really nice. It was the best place I ever had in New York. And then the fucking Twin Towers came down. And I immediately got out of New York. I was like, I think LA is looking good.

• 1:15:09Andrew Santino?

  You're an honest New Yorker. Everybody else was like, we gotta stick together. You're like, I've already bought my ticket.

• 1:15:15Speaker 05

  I don't think Al Qaeda's gonna hit Warner Brothers.

• 1:15:19Andrew Santino?

  And yet they have.

• 1:15:20Speaker 05

  And yet they...

• 1:15:21Andrew Santino?

  And yet they have. Uh, Eddie, I want to say thank you for coming on the show.

• 1:15:25Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 1:15:26Andrew Santino?

  Also, please watch his special right now, um, and we'll put the link in the description. When it's not on Veeps anymore,

• 1:15:32Speaker 05

  It's going on YouTube.

• 1:15:33Andrew Santino?

  It'll be on YouTube.

• 1:15:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:34Andrew Santino?

  So please watch it regardless. Uh, you're brilliant, you're funny, you're wonderful.

• 1:15:39Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 1:15:39Andrew Santino?

  Uh, we gotta, you gotta get to the gym. I know you have, your, your agent said he's gotta, he's gotta get to the gym.

• 1:15:43Speaker 05

  I'm getting to Heirloom, where they have good eggs.

• 1:15:45Andrew Santino?

  God bless Heirloom.

• 1:15:46Speaker 05

  You know it?

• 1:15:47Andrew Santino?

  Oh, what do you mean? Of course, I love Heirloom. It's one of the best.

• 1:15:49Speaker 05

  Me too. I'm hungry.

• 1:15:50Andrew Santino?

  Okay, we'll get you there. We end the show the same way. You look in that camera, and you're single, and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode.

• 1:16:01Speaker 03

  Tea. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:16:07Speaker 04

  Who is that creature in the ginger beard?

• 1:16:10Speaker 00

  It's dirty and ginger.

• 1:16:11Speaker 04

  Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are puget. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers? Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.