Sam Tallent on Comedy, Writing & His New Book Brut | Whiskey Ginger

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series. Andrew Santino sits down with comedian, author, and professional road warrior Sam Tallent for a conversation about stand-up, writing, life on the road, and what happens when a guy who spends most of his life making strangers laugh decides to become a serious novelist. Sam is the author of the acclaimed novel Running the Light, a darkly funny look at the life of a traveling stand-up comedian. Now he's back with his brand-new book, Brut, a violent, darkly comic thriller about a contract killer who takes on an impossible assignment. It's already a national bestseller, proving that Sam is just as dangerous with a keyboard as he is with a microphone. When he's not writing novels or performing stand-up around the world, Sam co-hosts the Chubby Behemoth podcast with Nathan Lund. He's also released the comedy specials The Toad's Morale and Waiting for Death to Claim Us. Pick up Sam Tallent's new novel, Brut, available now: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/787018/brut-by-sam-tallent/9780593978894/ Check out Sam's tour dates, comedy, and more: https://www.samtallent.com Listen to Chubby Behemoth wherever you get your podcasts. Follow Sam Tallent: https://www.instagram.com/samtallent Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #SamTallent #Brut Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid Stand Mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid Stand Mixer this year and make more than meals.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Your credit card company is hoping you don't hear this. They're charging you 21% APR interest, making it hard to pay down your balance. A home equity loan from Rocket Mortgage could cut your interest rate by more than half. So you could wipe out your high-interest credit card debt with the equity you've built in your home. Without touching your current mortgage rate. See how much you could save at rocketmortgage.com. Rocket Mortgage LLC, licensed in 50 states. NMLS Consumer Access.org, number 3030. Call 8004-ROCKET for full program details.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  A dark night, a quiet house, but inside, danger was lurking.

• 1:02Speaker 02

  Oh, we have Xfinity Shield. It's built-in Wi-Fi feature detects movement without cameras.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  What she didn't know is that online, there lurked an even bigger.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Xfinity Cyber Secure protects us from digital threats, too.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  I should have stuck to rom-coms.

• 1:15Speaker 03

  What if protecting your home and devices could be drama-free? Introducing Xfinity Shield. Visit Xfinity.com/shield to learn more. Xfinity, imagine that. Restrictions apply, not available in all areas. Xfinity Internet and compatible equipment required.

• 1:28Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger Away Series. Hey, Whiskey Ginger fans, I am out there doing shows next year, 2027. Now, the dates are slowly popping up. We're slowly closing everything out. But so far, March 27th, I am at The Cosmo in Las Vegas. Come out to Las Vegas and see me at The Cosmopolitan, March 27th. I'll be there. Come roll the dice with the boy in Vegas. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino.com.

• 1:54Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Who's that creature in the ginger beard? It's sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

• 2:07Andrew Santino?

  You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest is one of my favorite people on earth. I say it for my guest, but I mean it. Once again, today, it's Sam Tallent.

• 2:24Speaker 06

  My man Santino, one of the funniest guys. You're so funny.

• 2:28Andrew Santino?

  That's a sweet thing.

• 2:28Speaker 06

  And you know what? Like, we haven't ever broed out, but you were such a fucking lighthouse to me in Montreal, 2019.

• 2:34Andrew Santino?

  2019.

• 2:34Speaker 06

  I was an un-repped new face.

• 2:36Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:37Speaker 06

  Meanwhile, the repped new face, I was the un-repped fat new face. The repped fat new face was a young Shane Gillis. So I wasn't even there, according to the industry or Canada. No, no, no, I was in a shadow. And a big pierogi face was blocking my head. So, yeah, it was like, oh, you're the other guy. It was terrible. But you and Bobby came up and like talked to me and Jordan Jensen at one of those mixers.

• 2:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 2:59Speaker 06

  And you guys were like so nice and normal and like treated us like peers. And we were worms, bro. We were like in the dirt. It was so nice of you.

• 3:06Andrew Santino?

  If you're comics, you're peers. I don't know who, I think, I shouldn't give credit to him, but Seinfeld did say one thing that I agreed with, which is very rare. But he did say one thing I agreed with, where he was like, I don't care if I'm like in the darkest corner of around the world, somewhere traveling with my wife and my kids.

• 3:22Speaker 06

  Palestine should not exist. I remember, I remember that.

• 3:25Andrew Santino?

  That's what he said.

• 3:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, from Comedian.

• 3:26Andrew Santino?

  That's what he said on Comedian. And then Orney Adams came in, freaked out.

• 3:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, it was in the director's cut.

• 3:31Andrew Santino?

  He's like, you, he's like, I'll, if I meet a comedian anywhere, I don't care what level they are, I want to say hi to a comedian. There's something in our bones that's like, you're a comic?

• 3:38Speaker 06

  Yeah. And also, like, I have an immense respect for people who can do the job.

• 3:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 3:42Speaker 06

  Like, it doesn't matter if you're like a hack or whatever. Like, you can get up on stage for an hour and no one's mad at you at the end and everyone had a blast. Like, I have respect. I came up in the Mountain Time Zone, so I opened for a lot of like hacks traditionally. But motherfucker, you watch them kill in Montana in an oil field? You're like, oh, they're very good at this.

• 4:01Andrew Santino?

  Who was the guy, when I first started in Comedy Works, he was a local icon. Uh, he's a doctor, he's like an animal doctor?

• 4:08Speaker 06

  Doctor Kevin Fitzgerald.

• 4:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that guy.

• 4:10Speaker 06

  Hey, man.

• 4:11Andrew Santino?

  They love that guy.

• 4:11Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:12Andrew Santino?

  And I'd never heard of him.

• 4:13Speaker 06

  They, I.

• 4:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, everybody.

• 4:14Speaker 06

  I adored him.

• 4:15Andrew Santino?

  But I, but I came to Denver and, and I was like, oh, who was here last week? You always want to know, like, who's here next week? Who's, and Wendy was like, oh, this, this, this guy who's like a local legend here. And he's a, he's a, is he an animal doctor?

• 4:28Speaker 06

  He's a veterinarian who used to be a, uh, he used to be hired security for the Rolling Stones for like 25 years. And then the story is, yeah, Dr. Kev, shout out.

• 4:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 4:38Speaker 06

  Hey, sorry I'm late, folks. I, uh, I just had my hand inside a horse and then I had to get to work.

• 4:45Andrew Santino?

  I heard he's the, everyone loves this guy, I've never seen him.

• 4:47Speaker 06

  Sexually, a titan.

• 4:49Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 4:50Speaker 06

  So we did a cool guy show on Wednesday, is it like, like upstairs in this like art space, right? Like, all the cool kids, me and my friends in Denver for six years. And it was like a happening spot with like asymmetrical haircuts and like septum piercings. And we didn't card, so like if you were, if you could get in the building, you could buy Dollar Rolling Rocks. So it was packed with kids. It was a real, you would have loved it, you know, due to your proclivities. But, uh, so Dr. Kev was like, hey, I need to get good at like the cool guy shows. So can I like do your, your gig, your happening spot? And we'd be like, we'd love to have you, Dr. Kev. He did it every week for like five years. And invariably, he would need to work in this thing where he like, he was in tap class. He did tap class.

• 5:32Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 5:32Speaker 06

  So like stay, I gotta keep my mind sharper and my feet sharper, you know?

• 5:37Speaker 06

  But it was an excuse for him to go dance in front of all the hot young women without any underwear on and his huge cock swinging around in his pants. Dude, one time, he was with two babes at our show, 68-year-old man, you know? Dressed like, uh, he was in The Stray Cats, right? And he was with these two beautiful, like 35-year-old women. He was like making out with them, both of them, at the same time in the hallway.

• 5:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, God bless.

• 5:59Speaker 06

  And I was like, Dr. Kev, what's going on there? And he's like, I like to take them to bed two at a time, you know? That way, when I'm done, they got somebody to talk to.

• 6:08Speaker 06

  Meanwhile, I'm like trying to get a handjob out of stand-up still, you know? I'm like fingers crossed someone's gonna...

• 6:12Andrew Santino?

  Can I get a spitty in the parking lot? This guy, you can tell an old guy, a guy of that age, who has a nice head of lettuce with, and it's all gray, you can tell he swings. You can just tell when a guy has a big hog, based on like the lettuce, the demeanor, the beard. Like, I can just see that guy and you go, right, that guy's a killer.

• 6:30Speaker 06

  How many buttons are open?

• 6:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's a killer.

• 6:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:32Andrew Santino?

  So, but he would sell out all the time and I'd never seen him live.

• 6:35Speaker 06

  That's very generous.

• 6:36Andrew Santino?

  Wouldn't he, wouldn't he though? He would sell out single shows, right?

• 6:40Speaker 06

  Downtown, oh yeah, single shows.

• 6:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. That's pretty impressive, though, for a guy who like, on the, on the national market, did he ever tour?

• 6:46Speaker 06

  Uh, I don't want to besmirch Kev, he had a TV show on Animal Planet forever.

• 6:51Andrew Santino?

  He did.

• 6:51Speaker 06

  And it was about his veterinary clinic. So he had like steam and he's also very well-respected in the animal community and like goes to Antarctica to save polar bears.

• 6:59Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit.

• 7:00Speaker 06

  And then he'd come show his footage of him like playing with otters in Portland to all of our, you know, 22-year-old girls. And they'd be like, oh my God, he's so funny. And it's like, no, it wasn't funny.

• 7:09Andrew Santino?

  No, no.

• 7:10Speaker 06

  He just showed you videos of him holding an otter and you're juiced up.

• 7:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, this is a...

• 7:13Speaker 06

  You want to lay down with grandpa, he wasn't hilarious.

• 7:15Andrew Santino?

  But, you know, he does, he did figure out the math.

• 7:18Speaker 06

  I cannot be a bigger fan of Dr. Kev.

• 7:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, okay, good, because that was my, I, when I'd first gone to Denver a few times, I was like, oh, this is like, this guy is the lore of this man around Denver Comedy Works. And that was for me like the, you know, a lot of people had Acme on their list in Minneapolis as their thing. I never played it ever once.

• 7:35Speaker 06

  Me either, me either.

• 7:35Andrew Santino?

  Never got to. Yeah, they never said yes to me.

• 7:37Speaker 06

  Sisyphus Brewing, thank you.

• 7:39Andrew Santino?

  They never said yes to me.

• 7:40Speaker 06

  Shut up.

• 7:41Andrew Santino?

  Acme never said yes to me. Huh, Acme? You never said yes to me.

• 7:46Speaker 06

  Or me.

• 7:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, why? Why not us?

• 7:47Speaker 06

  Actually, more, why not him?

• 7:49Andrew Santino?

  No, why not?

• 7:49Speaker 06

  Me, I get it, alright?

• 7:50Andrew Santino?

  Why not us? But I never got to do that, but that Comedy Works was the other one that I was always like, well, my wife's from Denver, too, so I was always just like...

• 7:58Speaker 06

  She's from Denver?

• 7:58Andrew Santino?

  She is, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's, she's from, well, not from Denver, she's from way outside of Denver.

• 8:04Speaker 06

  Where's she from, though?

• 8:04Andrew Santino?

  I can't tell you, dude.

• 8:05Speaker 06

  Okay, because I'm from way outside of Denver, on the eastern plains.

• 8:08Andrew Santino?

  How far out?

• 8:09Speaker 06

  Uh, like an hour and a half.

• 8:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's even further.

• 8:12Speaker 06

  Albert County, Colorado.

• 8:13Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 8:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 8:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, like, uh...

• 8:15Speaker 06

  Elizabeth is where I'm from.

• 8:16Andrew Santino?

  Oh, dude, I know it. I've spent time out there.

• 8:18Speaker 06

  In Elizabeth?

• 8:18Andrew Santino?

  I've spent time out there.

• 8:19Speaker 06

  Were you out there starting a white supremacist gym?

• 8:22Andrew Santino?

  We didn't start it, we continued it, because it was shutting down and it needed financing.

• 8:25Speaker 06

  The mural you guys put on the building?

• 8:26Andrew Santino?

  It's pretty good, right?

• 8:27Speaker 06

  It's great.

• 8:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 8:28Speaker 06

  I've never seen the SS sparkle like that.

• 8:29Andrew Santino?

  Well, we did, we did a little bit of glitter on the outside, but it's...

• 8:32Speaker 06

  Was it glitter? I thought it was chrome.

• 8:34Andrew Santino?

  No, it was glitter, and it's, some of it's peeled off. So we keep, we have someone go out there every few months to, you know, put some new one on.

• 8:40Speaker 06

  West Coast Choppers, yeah.

• 8:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he does it.

• 8:42Speaker 06

  He's great, yeah.

• 8:43Andrew Santino?

  Him and, uh, what's the guy? Who's the guy that did, uh, Pit My Ride?

• 8:47Speaker 06

  Chopper?

• 8:48Andrew Santino?

  Pit My Ride. Pit My Ride, we had Pit My Ride do it. By the way, Pit My Ride.

• 8:51Speaker 06

  Exhibit, correct?

• 8:51Andrew Santino?

  Exhibit, Exhibit went out, no, what's the guy, what's the name of the studio? Oh, what's Pit My Ride, the studio, West Coast, West Coast something? Customs? West Coast Customs.

• 8:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, that was...

• 8:59Andrew Santino?

  By the way, there, for the first time, I was going to Costco or, yeah, Costco and way up north in the valley here, like deep, deep. And I was like, holy shit, there's West Coast Customs. Like, that's where it took place, right beneath the airport.

• 9:11Speaker 06

  That's where they make all the candy paint.

• 9:12Andrew Santino?

  Oh, god damn, you make it drip, dog? Give me them spinners?

• 9:16Speaker 06

  I thought, growing up, because I'm 39, that like, when I turned 18, I was just gonna wind up with a car like that.

• 9:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 9:23Speaker 06

  Like, there was a bit of magic in the air, it made you believe.

• 9:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you could have that.

• 9:26Speaker 06

  I'm gonna get room rated for sure.

• 9:27Andrew Santino?

  100%.

• 9:28Speaker 06

  So I gotta put all this porno in the gun safe.

• 9:30Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 9:30Speaker 06

  And second of all, someone's gonna drip out my, my car. It's gonna be candy coat, I'm gonna wake up.

• 9:35Andrew Santino?

  Also, they did, they did too much at one point, and you could tell the disappointment in people's faces when they're like, and there's a fish tank in that motherf... And they were like, wow, this is, I don't know if a fish tank belongs in an accord, but I will do it.

• 9:44Speaker 06

  That's probably $3,200 of upkeep, just on food and water a year. I came in here because I got fired from the Dollar General, do you remember that part of the story?

• 9:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dude, that was like the scam on the house show, where they buy people mansions and they were like, we can't afford the taxes. Taxes are $15,000 a year. And they were like, yeah, but it's a new house.

• 10:02Speaker 06

  And then the host is like, next week on House Hunters. Someone's like holding a deed, crying in the background, no!

• 10:10Andrew Santino?

  Move him to jail!

• 10:13Andrew Santino?

  It was so bad dude, it was so, and they also tried to like scheme their way out of it by being like, and we're gonna pay your mortgage off and the taxes now, but this is like in the fifth season. You're like, you already ruined families for years.

• 10:24Speaker 06

  All these people are in debtors jail.

• 10:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dude, so bad. So, so bad. Do you, so, okay, do you watch, you like shit reality TV?

• 10:32Speaker 06

  No, sir.

• 10:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 10:33Speaker 06

  Uh, just because in my home, my wife is the arbiter of the remote control until she goes to bed.

• 10:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 10:38Speaker 06

  She comes home from work at the hospital.

• 10:40Andrew Santino?

  Real work, adult work.

• 10:42Speaker 06

  Yeah, like she's a doctor.

• 10:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she's a real adult.

• 10:43Speaker 06

  I'm not gonna be like, hey, no more SVU toots. There's a new, there's a new thirty for thirty.

• 10:49Andrew Santino?

  I'll see.

• 10:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:50Andrew Santino?

  That's why you gotta have two separate room. When I wanna go watch that crap.

• 10:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:53Andrew Santino?

  I'm like, hey, I gotta go away for a little while and watch in my little room, cause I know she doesn't wanna see it.

• 10:57Speaker 06

  I know that I have eleven to two AM alone. That's me.

• 11:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:01Speaker 06

  So I'm like, hey, so stoked to see her. She comes home, she's doing notes on the couch, we're watching Bones. If she's really sad, we're watching Blue Bloods. That's when I know I have to call her sister.

• 11:12Speaker 06

  If Blue Bloods comes on dude, it's like, oh shit.

• 11:14Andrew Santino?

  Is that Selic?

• 11:14Speaker 06

  Uh, yeah, it's Selic.

• 11:16Andrew Santino?

  Selic, God bless.

• 11:17Speaker 06

  It's, uh, it's one of the Wahlbergs.

• 11:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, uh.

• 11:20Speaker 06

  Donny.

• 11:20Andrew Santino?

  Donny.

• 11:21Speaker 06

  Cheeseburger, yeah.

• 11:22Andrew Santino?

  Donny, yeah, Donny, yeah.

• 11:23Speaker 06

  And, uh, so when she's in Blue Bloods, it's like, oh, we gotta up your SSRI. But yeah, I, I don't at all care about the TV.

• 11:30Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 11:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, and I, I, I like watching television, but when I watch television, I'm trying to like enrich my like understanding of screenwriting and shit. Like, I'm such a homework dork about TV now.

• 11:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:40Speaker 06

  So, no, I don't watch bad TV.

• 11:42Andrew Santino?

  See, it's funny, I can only, I can't watch, he knows, like scripted shows for me are tough to watch, cause I get anxious.

• 11:46Speaker 06

  You're so jealous.

• 11:46Andrew Santino?

  I just get anxious.

• 11:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:48Andrew Santino?

  I get very anxious that I'm like, I don't like that, I don't like the way they wrote that. And then my wife gets annoyed, cause I'll say something like, I'll go, very easy, very cheap turn here.

• 11:56Speaker 06

  Bro, me too, yeah, yeah.

• 11:57Andrew Santino?

  So like weird about, and then I, I get turned off and then she can't enjoy the show.

• 12:01Speaker 06

  Cause I've ruined it for her.

• 12:02Andrew Santino?

  I ruined it.

• 12:02Speaker 06

  This is weak writing.

• 12:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 12:03Speaker 06

  That's an easy fix if you're the screenwriter.

• 12:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, or then I'll go, or I'll, or I'll call out the line before it happens.

• 12:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 12:09Andrew Santino?

  And she's like, come on, please don't do that. I'm like, but I just, I knew this was going to be this thing and it just feels so like weak. So now, if I do get into a scripted show, it's gotta be so disconnected from my world. Like, I watched, um, Lucky, I said, the Anna Taylor Joy. It's fantastic, cause it's like, it's like a, I don't know, it's a, like a crime drama. You know what I mean? There's no comedy injection in it, it's very like straightforward.

• 12:32Speaker 06

  I never watch comedy stuff, for sure.

• 12:34Andrew Santino?

  That's, well, that's.

• 12:35Speaker 06

  It's very difficult.

• 12:35Andrew Santino?

  It's hard to do.

• 12:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 12:36Andrew Santino?

  Like even Tires, I love Shane and those guys, and so many of our friends are on it, uh, and I'm not.

• 12:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, me either.

• 12:42Andrew Santino?

  Stare into the camera for a while. Uh, but I can't watch it, because it's just like, it's hard for me to watch comedy stuff. Like, I root for it from afar, but I'm like, I can't do it.

• 12:50Speaker 06

  I watch Tires, cause my wife is like, hey, we're gonna watch Tires. Like, she's stoked.

• 12:53Andrew Santino?

  That's awesome.

• 12:53Speaker 06

  It's funny, you know, it's like, she likes it, she has no connection to any of those people.

• 12:57Andrew Santino?

  Right, so it's easier for her.

• 12:58Speaker 06

  Oh, she loves it, yeah, and then I can be like, yeah, Stab is so fucking funny, or like, God, Foley's so underrated. Like, I watch it and I'm like, alright, I'm in, you know, this is great.

• 13:06Andrew Santino?

  We talked about it yesterday with those guys, we had them on here.

• 13:08Speaker 06

  Stab and Foley were the last two months.

• 13:09Andrew Santino?

  Just have them on the show.

• 13:11Speaker 06

  That way it smells like that in here.

• 13:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can tell. Well, that's why the chair is broken.

• 13:14Speaker 06

  I thought you were breeding dogs.

• 13:17Andrew Santino?

  But we do have to wash them before they leave, yeah.

• 13:19Speaker 06

  Like seals.

• 13:19Andrew Santino?

  Foley.

• 13:20Speaker 06

  So they don't take their barnacles to a different lake.

• 13:23Andrew Santino?

  Foley's brutally honest about his journey, which is pretty impressive.

• 13:25Speaker 06

  Dude, he's, like, that guy, when they finally give him the ball, and he can make his just like, down on his luck, like gritty detective, like who needs four hundred dollars by midnight show, like, that would be awesome.

• 13:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, a hundred percent. That, that's actually very true. Him like this broke, like a, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, he should do like a Columbo, like a new Columbo.

• 13:45Speaker 06

  Do you wanna know what it is?

• 13:46Andrew Santino?

  Huh.

• 13:46Speaker 06

  It's him and Tommy work at a restaurant, and it's like a corporate steakhouse, and.

• 13:51Andrew Santino?

  Like a, like an Outback?

• 13:52Speaker 06

  Like a, that'd be great, Chris, Ruth Chris.

• 13:54Andrew Santino?

  Ruth Chris, like, yeah, right, right, right, right.

• 13:55Speaker 06

  A little, like a.

• 13:56Andrew Santino?

  A little bit nicer?

• 13:57Speaker 06

  They have to wear a white shirt, but it's stained. And you know, Foley's going in the bathroom to like break up Percocets and like, Tommy's, you know, banging the hostess even though she's seventeen. That's the show.

• 14:07Andrew Santino?

  That is the show.

• 14:07Speaker 06

  It's the bear, but front of house in a corporate steakhouse.

• 14:10Andrew Santino?

  I like this a lot.

• 14:10Speaker 06

  I think that's the pitch.

• 14:11Andrew Santino?

  Can you write this?

• 14:12Speaker 06

  I had pitched this to Foley, and I was like, Foley, just give me some stories about your time when you were, when you were working in a restaurant. He's like, don't worry, I got you, man, it's nothing but gold. Then two, uh, two weeks later, his manager hits me up, did Foley ever give you any of those stories? Of course not.

• 14:25Andrew Santino?

  Of course not. Yeah, no, of course not.

• 14:26Speaker 06

  But me, you know, a guy who people think can write, I did hit him up with an idea, so, maybe make it move.

• 14:32Andrew Santino?

  He's gotta do the thing.

• 14:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, I just need three voice memos that were like, and I sat on the cat and it died, and it was before The Sopranos, so it was my thing. You know? That's what we need out of Foley.

• 14:42Andrew Santino?

  We, we need to put, cause he is a wealth. When he gets into like, we talked about, I said, when you dip into the bag, um, like, what's, what's that day like? Like, when you really get back into the bag? He's like, fifteen thousand dollars a hotel for three days and a couple of Gatorades. I was like, holy shit, dude. He's like, that's legitimately, that's legitimately my journey. I'm like, wow, that's amazing. I was like, where is that?

• 15:02Speaker 06

  I just swallowed my zen almost.

• 15:03Andrew Santino?

  That's alright.

• 15:04Speaker 06

  Fifteen K?

• 15:05Andrew Santino?

  Fifteen K.

• 15:05Speaker 06

  On blow?

• 15:06Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 15:06Speaker 06

  God, bless him.

• 15:08Andrew Santino?

  Well, sorry, excuse your mouth. And women that are paid, paid, sex workers, you fucking.

• 15:13Speaker 06

  He, he calls them his girlfriend babies.

• 15:15Andrew Santino?

  Their girlfriend babies.

• 15:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, their girlfriend babies.

• 15:16Andrew Santino?

  And, and you know what, dude? Legitimate profession, so be nice about it, don't say the H word.

• 15:21Speaker 06

  I, it's just such a fun word.

• 15:22Andrew Santino?

  No, we'd not love to say it anymore.

• 15:24Speaker 06

  If you're a child.

• 15:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. He is, he's twenty-six, yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, I.

• 15:27Andrew Santino?

  By the way, he went to an afters last night for, till four in the morning.

• 15:29Speaker 06

  What?

• 15:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, four in the morning.

• 15:30Speaker 06

  You were out showing your ass?

• 15:31Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:32Speaker 06

  You didn't have that mustache when you went in that warehouse, did you?

• 15:34Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 15:35Speaker 06

  No.

• 15:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he puts it back on every morning.

• 15:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 15:37Andrew Santino?

  This is getting tiring.

• 15:38Speaker 06

  What were you doing? Drugs? No.

• 15:41Andrew Santino?

  No drugs.

• 15:42Speaker 06

  I had some drinks.

• 15:42Andrew Santino?

  This is great, you're gonna love this. He was trying to do karaoke with a bunch of strangers he didn't know. He put on, uh, international.

• 15:48Speaker 06

  International playing anthem. Which is my karaoke song.

• 15:50Andrew Santino?

  That is his karaoke song.

• 15:51Speaker 06

  Respect. I can do it very well, and it was, I went to like, a, a guy that I, I like had coffee with, a nice kid, went to like his friend's birthday. That's how it starts. And went to afters, I didn't know any of them. Uh-huh. And the guys in the back were just like, these girls' boyfriends, and they were just a bad vibe, and they cut me off.

• 16:06Andrew Santino?

  Shut off the song.

• 16:07Speaker 06

  The first verse. No.

• 16:09Andrew Santino?

  Left him up there.

• 16:09Speaker 06

  Or the beat even drops.

• 16:10Andrew Santino?

  But I said, this is the difference between him and I, he goes, he goes, it made me wanna kill myself, and I was like, I'm instinctively like, I made me wanna kill that guy.

• 16:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:16Andrew Santino?

  I wanna kill that guy, he's like, I wanna jump in front of a Waymo.

• 16:18Speaker 06

  You were wronged, young man.

• 16:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 16:20Speaker 06

  You were trying to have fun and sing a fun song for all the, I'm assuming, Filipinos in attendance. And, uh.

• 16:26Andrew Santino?

  He got real, he got real deep and existential about killing himself with the Waymo, cause he said.

• 16:29Speaker 06

  It's the most ethical way to do it.

• 16:31Andrew Santino?

  It is, there's no blame, no one got hurt, no one's in it.

• 16:33Speaker 06

  In the Waymo or jumping in front of it? In front of a Waymo. It would stop. It would stop.

• 16:36Andrew Santino?

  They're good now.

• 16:37Speaker 06

  They're really, they, they are suicide proof. I can hide behind a bush.

• 16:39Andrew Santino?

  Sorry, please call a helpline, it just displays on the front mirror. Please call one eight hundred.

• 16:44Speaker 06

  It starts playing If I Saw You in Heaven.

• 16:50Andrew Santino?

  Do you ever do that when you listen to songs when you were a kid? Like, I remember listening to that song, and it was a pretty song, and you hear the depths of it, you're like, this is like the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life. We were driving home from Ojai the other day, and the song came on, um, uh, Run Around, Run Around Sue?

• 17:03Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:03Andrew Santino?

  Was it Run Around Sue?

• 17:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:04Andrew Santino?

  When you really get into that song, it's real, real tragic. His girlfriend continually cheats on him, and he's cuckin', he loves it.

• 17:12Speaker 06

  Uh-huh.

• 17:12Andrew Santino?

  He keeps going back to her while she's with other men. It's insane.

• 17:15Speaker 06

  I know.

• 17:16Andrew Santino?

  You're like, this is the, this is the original cuck song, it's a cuck anthem.

• 17:19Speaker 06

  And then meanwhile, it's like nineteen fifty-three, and everyone's like, the bomb hasn't dropped and we're running around, Sue, you know? Yeah, like, it was great.

• 17:26Andrew Santino?

  Sue's been fucking my friends and we're still, and war is not over.

• 17:30Speaker 06

  We didn't get a prenup, see? So Sue can do what Sue's gonna do. As long as I don't hit her.

• 17:37Andrew Santino?

  Or, or if she talks back and dinner's not ready.

• 17:39Speaker 06

  I hit her. But it's not for fucking the guys at the plant, that's fine. Look, I'll tell you what, young man, that's cool. Like, that's what you should be doing as a refugee from Minnesota here in LA. You should be going and busting your teeth in social calamity over and over again.

• 17:54Andrew Santino?

  That's the only way to live, otherwise it's over.

• 17:56Speaker 06

  That's why you're a young man in LA, is to go, you don't kill yourself, you come on this very big podcast that you are the product producer of.

• 18:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he is, yeah.

• 18:06Speaker 06

  You know, you're the man in the chair, like, you've, you've ascended.

• 18:09Andrew Santino?

  He was still here in the morning, which I was shocked. He said, I was up till four. I said, you're never gonna make it to the shoot in the morning.

• 18:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 18:14Andrew Santino?

  And he did. He ta, you know what he does to remind himself? He texts me, because I'm sure he panicked, wakes in the morning and goes to pee, and then looks at the text between him and I, and then goes, I gotta be there at eight forty-five, otherwise, he's gonna be very upset.

• 18:24Speaker 06

  I did text out last night in preparation, I knew.

• 18:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he does that a lot. What, you have, you have, are you a family man? You got little, little children?

• 18:30Speaker 06

  No children, but a niece.

• 18:31Andrew Santino?

  We have no children, we have nieces, yeah, we are plural, man.

• 18:34Speaker 06

  That's great. We have one that's really good, and we don't need more.

• 18:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you don't need anymore.

• 18:38Speaker 06

  No, no, no.

• 18:38Andrew Santino?

  She young, young?

• 18:39Speaker 06

  She's six.

• 18:40Andrew Santino?

  Is that awesome?

• 18:40Speaker 06

  Uh, it's like literally the whole reason we changed our lives and moved to Detroit.

• 18:44Andrew Santino?

  Really? Oh, yeah, cause her family's from there now.

• 18:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, her sister had a baby during COVID, and we were there, like, she was born April of COVID, and we were just like, we drove there from Colorado to see her born, and then we're just with her, and we were like, oh, this is like the point, so now we're gonna move here, and it's the best, dude.

• 18:59Andrew Santino?

  You'll, you think you'll stay in Detroit?

• 19:01Speaker 06

  Uh, we own a home, so yeah, I think that we'll be there, and, uh, and at least for twelve more years until she's eighteen.

• 19:07Andrew Santino?

  Right, and then move on to something else.

• 19:08Speaker 06

  And I live on the road, so like, it's not a big deal. I'm in the eastern time zone, but it's the closest to the central.

• 19:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 19:13Speaker 06

  So it's like, really awesome for me.

• 19:15Andrew Santino?

  I know, I get jealous of that when I travel. Whenever I get to, when I'm flying back to LA.

• 19:18Speaker 06

  You west coast guys.

• 19:19Andrew Santino?

  It stinks, dude. Whenever I get, when I get to Colorado in the air, when I see it on the map.

• 19:23Speaker 06

  Right.

• 19:24Andrew Santino?

  And then I go, we have two more fucking hours of nothingness.

• 19:27Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:27Andrew Santino?

  It's shocking how two, we're too far away.

• 19:29Speaker 06

  And just the time change aspects of like.

• 19:31Andrew Santino?

  Stinks.

• 19:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's, you have to leave at like five AM every weekend, probably. That's why you're going to Chicago.

• 19:36Andrew Santino?

  I'm going to Chicago today, and whenever I go home too, my dad's always like, what time do you get in? And I'm like, don't, don't, just, I'll see you tomorrow.

• 19:42Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:42Andrew Santino?

  It's never, he's, my parents are old enough now where, like, I don't know how old your parents are, we're close, we're close in age.

• 19:48Speaker 06

  Send me a flight number type guy.

• 19:50Andrew Santino?

  Oh, a hundred percent.

• 19:50Speaker 06

  For sure.

• 19:51Andrew Santino?

  He tracks it.

• 19:51Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they have to. They need to know where it is in the sky and how late it is. My dad also gets off on texting like, see how many delays there are today?

• 19:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:58Andrew Santino?

  He loves that. He like loves informing me about like other problems.

• 20:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:02Andrew Santino?

  He's like, you're gonna get fucked.

• 20:03Speaker 06

  My dad's big on like, hey, uh, we'll, we'll see you at the airport, you know, uh, if these wildfires don't eat the world, and then it's a picture of the world on fire, like right outside of. The window and he's like, hopefully you can land in the smoke buddy. Thanks dad. I was busy trying to connect in Winnipeg, but this is great.

• 20:19Andrew Santino?

  Anyway, there's a deli meat in the fridge. Mom is gonna be upstairs. I'll be downstairs doing my thing. My parents are at that level now where they never were this way, but now my dad, he stays up all night. My dad was never up all night guy. You know, like a nine to five salesman. And so now that he's retired and long since over everything, he will be up two, three in the morning sometimes, just ingesting nonsense.

• 20:41Speaker 06

  He's escaped bedtime.

• 20:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he got away from it.

• 20:43Speaker 06

  Wives impose bedtime.

• 20:45Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 20:45Speaker 06

  For the first like thirty years of your marriage.

• 20:47Andrew Santino?

  And then there's a break.

• 20:48Speaker 06

  And then you retire and she's like, alright, I'll be upstairs.

• 20:51Andrew Santino?

  It's incredible.

• 20:51Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:52Andrew Santino?

  She gets to go read and he gets to watch the History Channel on, I mean, I, I think my father's watched Ancient Aliens. He's watched every season at least more than, at least more than once, like over.

• 21:01Speaker 06

  More than the FDA recommends.

• 21:03Andrew Santino?

  He'll go, this, this episode is amazing.

• 21:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns it up and you're gonna wanna hear this.

• 21:09Speaker 06

  He's also listening to Frank Zappa on headphones while running the TV. Like, this is a good one.

• 21:14Andrew Santino?

  You're gonna love this.

• 21:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 21:16Andrew Santino?

  My dad, be quiet. Everybody's sleeping. Yeah, my mom is, my mom now has been honest about not having him around with TV, cause my dad is obsessed with having the TV on. My mom wants, no TV ever. She's book, bed, and then my mom can sleep for thirteen hours. My dad will sleep for like four.

• 21:33Speaker 06

  Weird, okay.

• 21:34Andrew Santino?

  I think, cause my mom, when we left Chicago and we moved to the suburbs, my mom kept her job in the city and so she, she commuted every day.

• 21:42Speaker 06

  That was my mom.

• 21:42Andrew Santino?

  It was crazy, which at some point I was like, why don't we just still live downtown for mom?

• 21:46Speaker 06

  There's no other jobs.

• 21:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, their jobs don't exist.

• 21:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 21:49Andrew Santino?

  But my mom, my dad also worked halfway to the city, so for him, it would have been the same each way, but they wanted to get out of the city so bad, so she commuted every day.

• 21:56Speaker 06

  Probably because of you guys, right? They wanna give you a better suburban.

• 21:59Andrew Santino?

  I was, I was raised as a kid in the city and then went for high school, uh, just before high school, we moved out to, we moved out to the burbs and my sister was born, who they actually love. And they were like, she needs to be raised in the suburbs. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was too formally, it was eight and eight, so it was kind of halfway split. But she was like, my parents were like, you gotta, we gotta get this kid out of this nonsense.

• 22:19Speaker 06

  She's not gonna grow up a Sox fan like you, Andrew.

• 22:21Andrew Santino?

  I'm a, I'm a called the Northside kid. I'm a Northside kid. Careful, you might, you hurt my little heart.

• 22:25Speaker 06

  I don't know.

• 22:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 22:26Speaker 06

  I'm riffing.

• 22:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's good, it's good riff, it's good riff, good riff. You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

• 22:30Speaker 06

  Funny thing for your mom to say.

• 22:31Andrew Santino?

  Do you, are you, are you a sports fan at all or no?

• 22:33Speaker 06

  I love the Denver Broncos.

• 22:34Andrew Santino?

  Good for you.

• 22:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, I love the Denver Broncos.

• 22:36Andrew Santino?

  Seven, you have a seven tattoo somewhere on you?

• 22:38Speaker 06

  Now I have our area code though.

• 22:40Andrew Santino?

  Okay, I see it.

• 22:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, I covered up Elway's name with my mom's when she died.

• 22:44Andrew Santino?

  That's a good gift, yeah. Elway would be like, I respect that dude. Come buy a car for me.

• 22:48Speaker 06

  Well, come to my steakhouse and bum me a Marlboro red, or no one's leaving. That's John Elway. All my friends would work at Elway's Steakhouse, like as they climbed up and he had this like thing where he'd be playing pool over there. And hey, I just need, I need a Marlboro red one hundred. And everyone would be like, oh, I have Camels or I got a Newport. And he'd be like, no one's going home until Johnny gets a Marlboro red one hundred. So like, people would like run to get him a pack.

• 23:11Andrew Santino?

  The man.

• 23:11Speaker 06

  But if someone, eventually they'd start buying him and having Marlboro reds, and he'd be like, I need to hear that, I need to hear that cellophane crack if I'm gonna smoke a Marlboro red.

• 23:20Andrew Santino?

  He is like the all-American quarterback cowboy still. He's like the last one that did it.

• 23:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 23:25Andrew Santino?

  He kinda was. I don't know who else came after him.

• 23:27Speaker 06

  How about Joe Flacco?

• 23:29Andrew Santino?

  Flacco's more of like a, but he's like,

• 23:30Speaker 06

  He's a journeyman.

• 23:31Andrew Santino?

  He, yeah, he's a journeyman, but he's more of like an up, he seems more, he's more sellable.

• 23:34Speaker 06

  I don't know why I said, compared my, the best quarterback in Broncos history to Joe Flacco. I don't know.

• 23:39Andrew Santino?

  Flacco is the man.

• 23:40Speaker 06

  That's bad riffing.

• 23:41Andrew Santino?

  But, no, no, that's good. Flacco is the man.

• 23:43Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 23:43Andrew Santino?

  To be fair, but Elway's one of those guys, I'm not speaking out of turn.

• 23:46Speaker 06

  No.

• 23:47Andrew Santino?

  But I was at an event and, um, Elway was with a bunch of guys and I was like looking from afar.

• 23:52Speaker 06

  Did he ask if you swing?

• 23:53Andrew Santino?

  Playing cards. Yeah, he did. Yeah. And, and Dr. Ken was there or whatever, what's his, what's his? Cap was there. No, I'm watching them play cards and I'm like, I'm away, like having a cocktail with another buddy and then this woman walks in with like a little dog. She's like, excuse me, she's like, can you go tell John that so and so wants to talk to him, whoever? And I was like, ma'am, I, I, I respectfully decline.

• 24:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 24:18Andrew Santino?

  Like, if you think I'm gonna interrupt a card game with John Elway and his buddies.

• 24:21Speaker 06

  Oh, you were made the gopher to bother John Elway?

• 24:24Andrew Santino?

  A hundred percent.

• 24:24Speaker 06

  Like, hey clown.

• 24:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Well, she saw the red hair and she's like, this is a vulnerable child, you know what I mean? I can make him do something. And so I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, man. I, I like, I don't know, I don't wanna interrupt their game or whatever. And she's like, just go tell him. So then I cowardly go up to a server and I go, hey, can you tell, uh, Mr. Elway that there's like a phone call on his wife or whomever, girlfriend? I don't even know if wife, girlfriend, whatever, is outside with the dog or whatever. And the guy's like, no. He like literally fucked me right off. He was like, no, I'm not doing that. You're out of your fucking mind. I was like, right, we're the same, we're the same. I was like, go get me a bib, I'll work here now.

• 24:53Speaker 06

  Right.

• 24:53Andrew Santino?

  But, uh, but eventually.

• 24:54Speaker 06

  Hey buddy, you have to do it cause you work here. Like, I'm just a boy having egg benedict.

• 24:58Andrew Santino?

  No, I do not. I don't play this game. So then I go up to one of the other guys that I had met earlier in the day and I said, hey, will you tell John that someone's outside? And he's like, what? And I was like, will you just tell him? And he was like, John. And then he goes, this guy, and he points at the, it's like a cartoon. When he points up, I'm already, I'm like garthing my way out of like, I garced so fast out of the back, cause I was like, I don't want him to go, who the fuck are you?

• 25:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:19Andrew Santino?

  And why are you talking to my girl?

• 25:20Speaker 06

  Pulls a gun out, freeze.

• 25:22Andrew Santino?

  Get me a Marlboro red, I'll blow your fucking head off. But he's such a legend to me that I'm, you're like, there's guys where I wouldn't even have the nerves of a pro athlete. Like, I'm like, oh, I'm a fan. With him, you're like, nah, you gotta leave John Elway alone.

• 25:34Speaker 06

  Let him be.

• 25:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, let him be. Yeah. He really is that guy.

• 25:38Speaker 06

  And I mean, in Denver, like Peyton came obviously and gave us a couple of great years and it meant the world to us. I know, I know. Like, I love Peyton, but come on. Johnny was there, man. Johnny was scrambling the drive.

• 25:48Andrew Santino?

  He was.

• 25:49Speaker 06

  Diving his body against the Packers.

• 25:51Andrew Santino?

  Have you, have you seen him walk?

• 25:52Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:53Andrew Santino?

  You can tell.

• 25:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 25:54Andrew Santino?

  You can tell he like did the thing.

• 25:55Speaker 06

  Right.

• 25:55Andrew Santino?

  You're like, oh my god, that body is, it's like,

• 25:58Speaker 06

  You see his hip and you're like, that's those three yards against Tampa right there, sir. Thank you, thank you for that. My dad was really excited and wasn't quiet for a week after that victory.

• 26:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, you have to, you have to let that sit for a little while. It's so important. That's, because like, when you move, friendship has to move with you, so it's hard. Like, we live here, I've lived here for twenty years and I'm still a diehard Bears fan.

• 26:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 26:17Andrew Santino?

  And Cubs and, uh, Bulls, I guess I am, I am a Bulls fan. Not as big of an NBA like I used to be.

• 26:23Speaker 06

  I'm not a baseball guy. It's football, then it's the Nuggets, and then I'm glad everyone's having fun.

• 26:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah. Detroit games, by the way, that stadium's perfect.

• 26:30Speaker 06

  Dude, and it's right downtown.

• 26:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's amazing.

• 26:32Speaker 06

  It's beautiful. And also in Detroit, you just park your car like wherever you want, because the ticket's twenty dollars. Like, the parking ticket's twenty bucks, so you just like park in the mouth of an alleyway and then walk a block to the stadium. And everyone's walking out at the end of the night and they're like, see you next week. And they're just, everyone's pulling a ticket off of their,

• 26:47Andrew Santino?

  That's really, cause the parking lot's probably sixty bucks.

• 26:49Speaker 06

  Thirty-five bucks, literally. My, my wife was like, we're gonna park right here. And I said, we're gonna get towed. And she's like, no, we're not, we'll be fine. And then we came out and we just had a twenty dollar ticket and she paid it on her phone on the drive home.

• 26:58Andrew Santino?

  So I love city rackets like this. Like, my uncle used to own a house right around the corner from Wrigley. And he sold it, which to this day, I'm very mad. I was never, I never got the chance to buy it. I was far too young, didn't have any money when he was selling it. But I, I, uh, I love the idea that he was like, he had an extra space next to his house and he just let people park like on his front lawn.

• 27:15Speaker 06

  Thirty bucks or whatever.

• 27:16Andrew Santino?

  Genius dude. And he would just sit out there with a case of beer and be like, hey, park here, I'll give you a beer.

• 27:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 27:20Andrew Santino?

  He was like, it was such a good salesman too. He's like, dude, I'm making so much money on these things.

• 27:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 27:25Andrew Santino?

  I was like, don't,

• 27:25Speaker 06

  Very Midwestern.

• 27:26Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it's such a Midwest. Can't do that out here. We're not, we can't tailgate out here.

• 27:30Speaker 06

  What?

• 27:31Andrew Santino?

  Tailgating is, you cannot tailgate at Dodger Stadium. No longer. We had a little incident with the San Francisco Giants fan. Can't do it, dude. Nah, La Raza. Nah, can't do it.

• 27:40Speaker 06

  That's a huge part of like, just Latino community in general.

• 27:43Andrew Santino?

  Well, they have to hang out in the neighborhoods and then you're allowed to walk over there, but because of the Giants, I don't know if you remember this, you're not a baseball guy, but uh, two Dodger fans beat a San Francisco Giants fan into a coma in front of his children.

• 27:54Speaker 06

  But didn't Larry David get him off in that documentary?

• 27:57Andrew Santino?

  That was a different one, but yes.

• 27:58Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 28:01Andrew Santino?

  That was murder.

• 28:02Speaker 06

  Oh, okay.

• 28:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that was murder. This was a coma. The guy lived.

• 28:05Speaker 06

  Cool.

• 28:05Andrew Santino?

  And, and from that very moment, now we're not gonna Dodger games.

• 28:08Speaker 06

  He's already in a coma, right?

• 28:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no shit.

• 28:09Speaker 06

  Go Bears.

• 28:10Andrew Santino?

  Fucking wine and cheese nerds.

• 28:12Speaker 06

  Do you like that the, uh, the Broncos and the Bears have the exact same jerseys now?

• 28:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 28:16Speaker 06

  I hate it.

• 28:17Andrew Santino?

  No, it's great.

• 28:17Speaker 06

  I hate it. I loved when we were like the sky blue and like the real like,

• 28:20Andrew Santino?

  Do you like the orange, the bright orange ones?

• 28:21Speaker 06

  I love the bright ones.

• 28:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, see, I think those are my favorite jerseys you guys ever had.

• 28:24Speaker 06

  It was awesome, dude.

• 28:25Andrew Santino?

  And also the Nuggets got rid of that, that Denver skyline, the rainbow skyline on the jerseys, which I think was the best jersey you ever made.

• 28:30Speaker 06

  The Nuggets can't figure out what the fuck they're doing with their gear, dude. It's been terrible. Like, we got AI for like a couple of years and they're like, alright, baby blue and silver. Sure, whatever, you're gonna get the urban demo of Denver into basketball. There's like twelve black people, you know? It's insane. Marcus Camby's here, alright. Everyone gets a low rider.

• 28:50Andrew Santino?

  How long can these shorts be, boys?

• 28:52Speaker 06

  Yeah, dude.

• 28:53Andrew Santino?

  It is true that they, they did, they, whenever they get a new,

• 28:55Speaker 06

  Earl the Pearl was in Marcus's shorts most of the time. He was just in the guy's pocket, pop out, and just take a steal.

• 29:04Andrew Santino?

  Denver though, Denver though, to their credit, they're, they're a very unhateable sports city.

• 29:10Speaker 06

  Thank you for saying that.

• 29:11Andrew Santino?

  Unhateable.

• 29:12Speaker 06

  I always tell Gillis, I'm like, there's still time to get into heaven. You can be a Broncos fan.

• 29:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:17Speaker 06

  Like, sunsets are orange and blue for a reason.

• 29:19Andrew Santino?

  We, we, we got into, we already got into this again about the Eagles, about, I said, I'm, I'm happy that so many of my friends are from Philly and they're Philly fans. And I'm so tired of hearing about Philly, cause there's, you know, it's Philly, it's like everyone became a Phillies fan overnight for some reason. You're like, you turn around, you're like, Philly is fucking, there's people like on award shows talking about the Eagles and you're like, what the fuck is going on now?

• 29:39Speaker 06

  Shane's very powerful.

• 29:40Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 29:40Speaker 06

  I mean, CIA goes all the way into this. I mean, all of a sudden, the Eagles are good?

• 29:44Andrew Santino?

  Is he a plant? Do we think he's got something to do with it?

• 29:47Speaker 06

  He's, he's not a succulent.

• 29:51Speaker 06

  No, I've been spreading that information with his, uh, friend Andrew at War Mode. Do you know War Mode guys?

• 29:56Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't know who that is.

• 29:57Speaker 06

  They're great. They're just asking questions. But I turned him on to the idea that maybe Shane's CIA and then gave him enough breadcrumbs so he could like,

• 30:04Andrew Santino?

  Really start to investigate, yeah. We're going to see a YouTube breakdown for seven and a half hours about Shane being a CIA plant.

• 30:10Speaker 06

  I hope so.

• 30:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:11Speaker 06

  I just want my flowers when that happens.

• 30:13Andrew Santino?

  You think you'll get some credit?

• 30:14Speaker 06

  I think I'll get killed for being a whistleblower.

• 30:17Andrew Santino?

  That's credit, that's good, dude. That's good.

• 30:19Speaker 06

  You know, Bud Light presents my assassination.

• 30:25Andrew Santino?

  It's like, it just turns into a Bud Light ad. Pope, Tommy Pope is there shelling Bud Lights at your funeral.

• 30:30Speaker 06

  Uh huh, he has a t-shirt cannon full of tall boys.

• 30:32Andrew Santino?

  Here lies ST, it won't even say your full name on it. They don't even give you the props of it.

• 30:36Speaker 06

  Bud Light trademarked ST.

• 30:39Andrew Santino?

  He's single-handedly, Shane's single-handedly saved Bud Light's self, self mutilation ritual by going, "Hey, I like this, this is great."

• 30:47Speaker 06

  Hey, it's good to drink with your mouth.

• 30:49Andrew Santino?

  They forgot everything about it.

• 30:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:50Andrew Santino?

  Like it disappeared, all this, all this weird, Kid Rock shooting up beers in his backyard on YouTube.

• 30:55Speaker 06

  Trans people having dignity in advertising. It was insane time in America.

• 30:58Andrew Santino?

  It was crazy.

• 30:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, what the hell was that about?

• 31:00Andrew Santino?

  When you do look back at it, you're like, that was the craziest flip I've ever seen in my life. Everyone, everyone immediately turned into this like, uh, this, it was like this nationalism at its highest level for a beer, for an advertisement that had nothing to do with anything. It was a one-off.

• 31:15Speaker 06

  That no one saw either.

• 31:16Andrew Santino?

  No one even saw it.

• 31:16Speaker 06

  It wasn't like that was on TV.

• 31:17Andrew Santino?

  No, it was on the internet.

• 31:18Speaker 06

  It was like a social media thing that a 22-year-old designed after a Late Night at the Afters.

• 31:22Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 31:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, and then everyone-

• 31:24Andrew Santino?

  Someone that, someone that didn't, people who got mad at it didn't even have the apps available to see the app.

• 31:28Speaker 06

  No, no.

• 31:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's fascinating.

• 31:30Speaker 06

  They were still on Quibi. They were getting furious at Quibi.

• 31:37Andrew Santino?

  They did, they got, the uprising was very, very strange to watch and Shane did it so quickly.

• 31:41Speaker 06

  I was on Rogan for the first time ever, the next day. So like Rogan all of a sudden is like, "Hey, so what do you think about trans people?" And I'm like, you know, "What the fuck's going on here?"

• 31:50Andrew Santino?

  You're like, "Jamie, pull up a video of a horse killing a man."

• 31:53Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:53Andrew Santino?

  In the Wild West.

• 31:54Speaker 06

  Can we watch Mr. Hands instead, please?

• 31:58Andrew Santino?

  Well, you went, we went on Rogan right at, that was your first appearance?

• 32:00Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:00Andrew Santino?

  Have you, how many times have you been on the show?

• 32:02Speaker 06

  Uh, two, with another one impending.

• 32:05Andrew Santino?

  How many hours?

• 32:06Speaker 06

  Uh, I think I've been on there for more than five hours in my two appearances.

• 32:10Andrew Santino?

  It's a, it's a heavy hit sometimes.

• 32:11Speaker 06

  Well, I'm very good at just being like, "What? No way."

• 32:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, that's funny.

• 32:16Speaker 06

  "For real?" And then he's like, "For real, check this out."

• 32:18Andrew Santino?

  Dead serious.

• 32:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, and then 20 minutes goes by and then you get to talk again.

• 32:21Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 32:21Speaker 06

  You know, it's like the whole time I'm in there, it's like he's in tunnel vision. It's literally like, in the end of It, have you ever read the book It?

• 32:27Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 32:28Speaker 06

  At the end, the way that they beat It is they do this weird ritual in the tunnels where they have to lock tongues and ask each other riddles while they spin through space. Like, that's how they beat, the entity is It in the book. And that's how I feel in Rogan. It's like I sit in that chair and he puts his tongue in my mouth and I put his tongue in my mouth and then we're just swirling through the cosmos for two and a half hours as we're like answering each other's riddles. And then at the end of it, you're just back in a chair and Jamie's like, "All right, back to the airport."

• 32:53Speaker 06

  It's the ritual of chud.

• 32:54Andrew Santino?

  It does feel like a, uh, it feels like you lose time and space when you're in there and you're very, and you're very inside of here.

• 33:00Speaker 06

  So present.

• 33:01Andrew Santino?

  You're very deep, deep inside of there.

• 33:02Speaker 06

  But also removed, because you're thinking so much about everything that every, and it's like, I don't know. You're very successful, you're more accustomed to thinking of the amount of people who see your shit and becoming okay with it.

• 33:13Andrew Santino?

  Sometimes.

• 33:13Speaker 06

  Well, you know, you're still a human being.

• 33:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 33:15Speaker 06

  But like I have less acclimation to those heights, so I'm still in there like-

• 33:21Andrew Santino?

  What do I, yeah, what do I look like, what do I do, what do I say, how do I feel right now?

• 33:24Speaker 06

  My nose running.

• 33:25Andrew Santino?

  Are they looking at me?

• 33:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:26Andrew Santino?

  They're looking at me.

• 33:27Speaker 06

  They're, everyone's looking at it.

• 33:28Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 33:28Speaker 06

  A red dot appears on your forehead for, for not riffing correctly.

• 33:32Andrew Santino?

  This is for Bud Light.

• 33:32Speaker 06

  Yeah. But yeah, I defended trans women, I, I think I said that that woman was attractive on that episode.

• 33:38Andrew Santino?

  And what did he say?

• 33:39Speaker 06

  Uh, he, he just cheers me with a Bud Light. But I'll tell you who had a lot to say was, uh, was everyone online.

• 33:46Andrew Santino?

  Ah.

• 33:46Speaker 06

  You want to see every spelling of the F slur?

• 33:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's there.

• 33:49Speaker 06

  In your DMs.

• 33:50Andrew Santino?

  It's your episode.

• 33:51Speaker 06

  Just defend a trans woman on Rogan.

• 33:53Andrew Santino?

  Now, did you get any love from trans community when you did it? Like, did you get nothing?

• 33:57Speaker 06

  No, no.

• 33:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, come on guys, like help out a little bit.

• 33:59Speaker 06

  No.

• 33:59Andrew Santino?

  You know what I mean, like, he's gotta go to bat.

• 34:01Speaker 06

  When my friends like from the bookstore shows back in the day, I'll be like, "Oh, you go on Rogan?" It's like, "Yeah, but I do my best to, you know."

• 34:07Andrew Santino?

  Do what I do.

• 34:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, I still try to be myself. Yeah, exactly. And also, he's just a guy.

• 34:12Andrew Santino?

  He's just a guy.

• 34:13Speaker 06

  It's so insane that people are mad at him, because he's just a dude who has a huge platform. And it's like every, all these stories that are written about him are from like the journalists that he killed. Because like, like radio just died 20 years ago and now newspapers are going and like, you know, normal news shows are died, dead too, so everyone's like, "Fuck this guy, he's the problem." And it's like, no, you guys just like, news was too boring and like people got stupider and

• 34:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 06

  Now people just want to go to one guy and you're mad at them.

• 34:36Andrew Santino?

  He took over what, what was formerly like the empire of, of terrestrial radio. And then Howard Stern, who was like, podcasts will never be a big thing.

• 34:45Speaker 06

  Right, yeah, yeah.

• 34:46Andrew Santino?

  That, when him and Ari got into it, that was like the funniest thing in the world. Ari was like, "What do you mean podcasts? Podcasts are the future."

• 34:51Speaker 06

  Right.

• 34:51Andrew Santino?

  And Stern was like, "No."

• 34:52Speaker 06

  You fool.

• 34:53Andrew Santino?

  You fool, they'll never exist.

• 34:54Speaker 06

  Hubris, dude.

• 34:55Andrew Santino?

  It is crazy. That was kind of wild to watch, particularly because we grew up, we're similar in age. I grew up like ingesting so much Howard Stern.

• 35:02Speaker 06

  Adored Stern.

• 35:03Andrew Santino?

  Fascinated, fascinated with the world. But the same guy-

• 35:06Speaker 06

  It was like for bad boys.

• 35:07Andrew Santino?

  It was your bad boy.

• 35:07Speaker 06

  And I was like a good kid and I was like, "Oh my god, it's on E."

• 35:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 35:10Speaker 06

  And I came.

• 35:11Andrew Santino?

  And there's, yeah, there's boobs and there's a Sibian this week.

• 35:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, and you would like watch a woman ride a Sibian, but it would be blurred and you'd still be like, "You're back in the saddle bitch." It was insane.

• 35:24Andrew Santino?

  But it, it's funny for him to go from that to what he is now.

• 35:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:27Andrew Santino?

  I mean, you, and, and it doesn't bother me because everybody changes. You see a transition in most humans in entertainment in the, I mean, unless you're, I'm trying to think of like who, who stayed the exact same the whole time.

• 35:37Speaker 06

  Phil Hendry.

• 35:38Andrew Santino?

  Who?

• 35:38Speaker 06

  Phil Hendry.

• 35:39Andrew Santino?

  Who's Phil Hendry?

• 35:40Speaker 06

  Oh, Phil Hendry's like the best, he's the, dude, when I say this, I don't, I'm not being hyperbolic. He's like one of the funniest people to ever live.

• 35:46Andrew Santino?

  Phil Hendry.

• 35:47Speaker 06

  He did a radio show, right?

• 35:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 35:49Speaker 06

  Where he would do characters, but no one would know. So he'd have a person call in and be like, "I think that babies should all be in a drawer until they're three." Some ridiculous premise.

• 35:58Andrew Santino?

  Uh huh.

• 35:58Speaker 06

  And he'd be himself Phil Hendry and be like, "Well, I don't know about that, that sounds extreme, let's go to the callers." People would call in and be like, "Baby shouldn't be in drawers." And he'd be like, "Well, imagine if you were in a drawer, that would have been great." That's insane, how dare you say that to my callers? He would have like, he would be doing these improvisational arguments with himself while people would call in

• 36:17Andrew Santino?

  Whoa.

• 36:17Speaker 06

  And be the voice of reason, and then he would validate what they said while also being more insane with the character he's doing. And it was straight up like as good as Christopher Guest, as good as Fred Willard, like as seminal as like any comedy.

• 36:29Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 36:29Speaker 06

  Dude, that guy.

• 36:31Andrew Santino?

  What radio station was he on?

• 36:33Speaker 06

  I don't know, it was syndicated in Colorado.

• 36:34Andrew Santino?

  What is it, Phil, look up Phil Hendry, I'm just super curious.

• 36:36Speaker 06

  I think he does a podcast now, because obviously he was in radio.

• 36:39Andrew Santino?

  And he has to?

• 36:40Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 36:40Andrew Santino?

  We don't have a choice?

• 36:41Speaker 06

  Exactly.

• 36:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we move on.

• 36:42Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:42Andrew Santino?

  This was a comedian, this was just comedian sidestep. We were like, "Podcast, well, we can talk to the audience." For them, they're like, "This is, this is, I-"

• 36:49Speaker 06

  His career suicide.

• 36:49Andrew Santino?

  Career, yeah.

• 36:50Speaker 06

  You fool.

• 36:51Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 36:51Speaker 06

  He's an LA guy. Yeah, yeah. He was in a Ventura, but it was everywhere.

• 36:55Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 36:56Speaker 06

  And he does, he did a bunch of like, uh, voices on King of the Hill and stuff. And he's just this dude that is incredibly slept on and like, one of the best things about being an American. Like, I love this guy.

• 37:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, because the, the, the, the world of like getting in arguments with callers of radio was like the sexiest thing as a kid of hearing people fight, you know? And like, back in the day, uh, for me in Chicago, Mankow was like the guy that did that incessantly. Like, he loved, he loved to flame people. And I was, I was just like fascinated and, and then as you get older, you're like, mm, a lot of this is brought on. Like, a lot of it is put on and producers are like, "We got a guy that's gonna call in or we're gonna have someone from the thing calling, because we didn't, any good callers."

• 37:34Speaker 06

  You mean they didn't like actually, organically, just randomly have a wet t-shirt contest in front of the Planned Parenthood?

• 37:40Andrew Santino?

  Some of them, for sure.

• 37:41Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 37:41Andrew Santino?

  Some Mankow fans, for sure.

• 37:42Speaker 06

  Yeah, for sure.

• 37:43Andrew Santino?

  But I remember thinking how cool that was, that you were like, "Oh, you get to get into a fight and just play this game with, with a stranger." Now, that's comment section.

• 37:50Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:50Andrew Santino?

  Now they get to, now they're all radio hosts. Everyone gets to be a radio host in the comment section.

• 37:53Speaker 06

  A hundred percent.

• 37:54Andrew Santino?

  I do like watching people bait sometimes in the comment section.

• 37:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, on Omegle.

• 37:58Andrew Santino?

  It is kind of fun to watch people just like say stuff and you're like, "Oh, look, he's doing, he's just trolling as hard as he can."

• 38:03Speaker 06

  And you guys are all so stupid.

• 38:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they're all biting it.

• 38:05Speaker 06

  You're giving him exactly what he wants.

• 38:06Andrew Santino?

  I do love when people bite on it. And they, my favorite comments that we get like on our show, someone will be like, uh, "Santino's like a lib west coast liberal cuck loser." Ba-da-da-da. And then right under it, someone will be like, "He's a bootlicking Republican seller." It's my favorite.

• 38:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:21Andrew Santino?

  I love when they go at each other.

• 38:22Speaker 06

  And it's mostly like bots probably.

• 38:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's gotta be Russian bots, yeah.

• 38:25Speaker 06

  It's like dead internet, like there's, I don't think there's anything authentic happening online anymore.

• 38:29Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't, because even, because his generation, 26.

• 38:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:32Andrew Santino?

  They're not doing it.

• 38:33Speaker 06

  No, but also like they were born into a dead world and like, the fact that he's not like some crazy dead-eyed online nihilist is like a huge victory.

• 38:41Andrew Santino?

  He's done a good job, for some reason his parents did a good job keeping him away from the nonsense. And also-

• 38:45Speaker 06

  It's Minnesota.

• 38:45Andrew Santino?

  He's our kid, so he just, yeah.

• 38:47Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah, what do you do? Uh, I like to write and direct.

• 38:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's a bummer.

• 38:52Speaker 06

  Good luck kiddo.

• 38:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's mostly it's mostly because of daddy.

• 38:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:58Andrew Santino?

  I let I like give him money to go do stuff. I'm like, just go, let's go make this dumb sketch or dumb thing. And then hopefully that continues on because otherwise that's gone. If we don't do it, it's totally fucking gone.

• 39:10Speaker 06

  Oh, 100%. Yeah, like making fun stuff with your funny friends.

• 39:13Andrew Santino?

  I don't I don't know. I know people. There's a lot of good like the Friday beers guys. They did a really, really great job of like doing what we used to do when we were young, except we had no access to any good cameras or a viable resource to edit like we were kind of just like throwing everything together. Yeah, well.

• 39:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, resources.

• 39:31Andrew Santino?

  Skill, yes. Talent, no. Yeah, we were very skilled.

• 39:33Speaker 06

  No, probably talent, yes. Skill, no.

• 39:36Andrew Santino?

  That's totally true.

• 39:37Speaker 06

  Cause like I look at the sketches I made with my friends back when I first started comedy and like if you watch them, you're like, oh, the lighting is awful. The sound is shit. Uh, the camera is upside down.

• 39:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 06

  I have a shoe on my hand for some reason, but man, that was pretty funny.

• 39:49Andrew Santino?

  It's funny, yeah.

• 39:49Speaker 06

  Funny stuff in here.

• 39:50Andrew Santino?

  There was some funny shit in there. I look at the old sketches we did in our old apartment.

• 39:53Speaker 06

  Because if it wasn't funny, you would have been like, oh, we can't, we have to stop, we have to move back home.

• 39:57Andrew Santino?

  We quit. Yeah, we must quit.

• 39:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, this is embarrassing.

• 40:00Andrew Santino?

  Did you live in New York ever?

• 40:02Speaker 06

  Never once.

• 40:02Andrew Santino?

  Never. Only Denver to there?

• 40:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, I lived in Colorado. Uh, I started in 2005 stand up and then uh moved in 2016 to Vegas for my wife's med school. And that was like the most fucked awful place to do stand up. Then we moved back to Colorado and then we left Colorado in like 2023.

• 40:18Andrew Santino?

  How many years were you in Vegas?

• 40:19Speaker 06

  I was there for two years.

• 40:20Andrew Santino?

  And hated every second of it?

• 40:21Speaker 06

  I really did not enjoy the uh the stand up comedy scene there.

• 40:25Andrew Santino?

  Is there a scene? There's gotta be a fringe scene out there somewhere, right?

• 40:28Speaker 06

  No, you would hope, man, because like if you're at all, what it was is there would be open mics and then comics like really bad comics from LA would drive to there and

• 40:36Andrew Santino?

  Do those mics?

• 40:37Speaker 06

  You're knowing exactly the names of the people.

• 40:39Andrew Santino?

  I see.

• 40:39Speaker 06

  And there'd be certain guys who get on stage and you'd be like, oh, I can't do any of my good jokes at this mic because they're just gonna go do them in LA. That was like, I remember this guy walked in and there was a person on stage and he saw him and was like, all right, well, hey, it's been good to be here and got off and he walks up to me and he's like, hey, don't do any good stuff because this guy just steals it all and leaves. And that was like my second day doing open mic comedy in Vegas. I was just told that like you can't do anything funny on stage because people will take it.

• 41:05Andrew Santino?

  Unless it's a room that you know no outsiders are coming into.

• 41:08Speaker 06

  Well, no, because like you would see the dudes from LA show up and I was, they were a known entity of like, don't do your bits in front of these guys because they're gonna take them. So that was bad.

• 41:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's very bad.

• 41:17Speaker 06

  And also I left Denver where I was like the king of Cool Guy Mountain. Like it was like the best place ever. I got, was it Comedy Works constantly? Like I was working the road. It was awesome. And then just like abandoned in Vegas and so lonely because my wife was in med school.

• 41:29Andrew Santino?

  So you were just kind of cramming around Vegas doing nothing. I mean, there's not, there's not much going on.

• 41:32Speaker 06

  You can't go outside, dude. Like I was, I didn't have money. So it was like, I like to go to the park and read. Like that was most of my twenties was just being outside, smoking a joint, reading. And Vegas, you can't even go outdoors.

• 41:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 41:43Speaker 06

  It's like truly an inhumane existence. It sucks. It was like moving to the center of Mars. It was so bad. And then the comedy is bad and like, uh, you know, if you want to gamble, you can 24/7. It was just like

• 41:56Andrew Santino?

  Which is a detriment to all of us. Yeah, yeah. But all, but when you were there, Kate and Holland and those guys, when they started High Plains?

• 42:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:04Andrew Santino?

  Is that still going on?

• 42:05Speaker 06

  No, they, it ended this year.

• 42:06Andrew Santino?

  Wait, really?

• 42:07Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:08Andrew Santino?

  Oh, shit.

• 42:08Speaker 06

  Dran Buie backed out as a sponsor, so he couldn't keep it going.

• 42:12Andrew Santino?

  Couldn't keep it moving?

• 42:13Speaker 06

  The Trambuie money turned off.

• 42:15Andrew Santino?

  That run out, dude. That tap down run out.

• 42:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 42:18Andrew Santino?

  Cause I love doing that. When, when he was out here for a little while and then when he went back to Denver, um, I was like, oh, man, I, I thought at the time there would be a chain of people that would move out there because because LA was so always so, it's just so vulnerable that I'm like, ah, people will move. Like the Austin move was big. So many guys left and did that thing.

• 42:35Speaker 06

  Rory moved to Denver?

• 42:36Andrew Santino?

  Rory did, yeah. Well, he's loving every second of it.

• 42:38Speaker 06

  I'm so happy for Rory.

• 42:39Andrew Santino?

  He was miserable here.

• 42:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. I get it.

• 42:41Andrew Santino?

  I don't know if you spoke to him about it, but my God, whenever I talked to him at the end, he was like, I can't fucking wait to be

• 42:45Speaker 06

  I talked to Rory like a hot girl. I literally Rory will be like, hey, what's up, Sam? And I'm like, nothing. What's, what's going on with you, mister? And he's like, yeah, I'm loving Denver. And I'm like, of course, you're so smart. It's a good place. So happy for your family. I'm just, I literally like am beholden to him. I think he's the greatest.

• 43:03Andrew Santino?

  He is probably one of the best living stand ups we have.

• 43:05Speaker 06

  He's my friend. Like he's cool. He doesn't make me feel like small, but like I still have that like little boy like in the back of the room like Rory's like Canadian too. Like I'm like, oh my God, Kyle's here. What the heck?

• 43:16Speaker 07

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid stand mixer. It's not just an appliance. It's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer this year and make more than meals.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  Your credit card company is hoping you don't hear this. They're charging you 21% APR interest, making it hard to pay down your balance. A home equity loan from Rocket Mortgage could cut your interest rate by more than half. So you could wipe out your high interest credit card debt with the equity you've built in your home without touching your current mortgage rate. See how much you could save at rocketmortgage.com. Rocket Mortgage LLC, licensed in 50 states. NMLS, consumeraccess.org, number 3030. Call 8004ROCKET for full program details.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  A dark night, a quiet house, but inside, danger was lurking.

• 44:18Speaker 02

  Oh, we have Xfinity Shield. It's built in Wi-Fi feature detects movement without cameras.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  What she didn't know is that online, there lurked an even bigger.

• 44:26Speaker 02

  Xfinity Cyber Secure protects us from digital threats too.

• 44:30Speaker 03

  I should have stuck to rom coms. What if protecting your home and devices could be drama free? Introducing Xfinity Shield. Visit Xfinity.com/shield to learn more. Xfinity, imagine that. Restriction supply not available in all areas. Xfinity Internet and compatible equipment required.

• 44:44Andrew Santino?

  He also didn't live, LA was not a place for him either.

• 44:47Speaker 06

  No shit.

• 44:47Andrew Santino?

  Very odd. We would do shitty rooms in Orange County together and I was always like, man, this guy, he just, this is not, this is not you.

• 44:53Speaker 06

  I remember he moved out here and then he was like, came to Denver to do one of Adam's shows. And I was like, how's LA, Kyle? And it was like that scene in uh Billy Madison where he like grabs the fat kid's cheeks and he's like, never leave, never leave here. That was Canadian.

• 45:08Andrew Santino?

  What do he move to now? Where's Kyle now?

• 45:10Speaker 06

  I think he's in uh in Portland, right?

• 45:12Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I liked it when people do the adventure getaway. Like I, I, I wish I could do it. We still have this with me and Bobby here, but we have dreams of like, couldn't we take this somewhere and be fun to like just change scenario for a little while?

• 45:27Speaker 06

  I don't know if you're gonna get Bobby out of LA, right?

• 45:29Andrew Santino?

  Impossible. He's from San Diego. He never wants to leave. It's crazy.

• 45:31Speaker 06

  The LA guy.

• 45:32Andrew Santino?

  He loves, but he loves Southern California as well. Like maybe San Diego. He'll probably go back down there at some point.

• 45:37Speaker 06

  Finish his dad's textile firm.

• 45:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, no, no, his, uh, what is it? Fashion gal. He'll reopen Fashion Gal, his dad's clothing store.

• 45:44Speaker 06

  I know. I know all about it. I know every bit of it, mister.

• 45:48Andrew Santino?

  We talked a little bit about it, but we can't, we can't, we can't dive on.

• 45:51Speaker 06

  It's not literally like the only time I've ever said anything that said I wouldn't talk about something.

• 45:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 45:56Speaker 06

  No, we talked about it on his pod a little bit.

• 45:58Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you did?

• 45:59Speaker 06

  I did. Yeah, yeah.

• 45:59Andrew Santino?

  Only because he, you know, and also who cares?

• 46:01Speaker 06

  He ran out of funny stuff to say.

• 46:03Andrew Santino?

  He does often.

• 46:04Speaker 06

  No, I did.

• 46:05Andrew Santino?

  No, he does.

• 46:05Speaker 06

  He showed me his penis.

• 46:07Andrew Santino?

  Oh, what do we say? He did that to you yesterday.

• 46:09Speaker 06

  Yeah. He was at the afters? He does that many days.

• 46:11Andrew Santino?

  No, it's the forwards. It's the before. So that's

• 46:15Speaker 06

  It's like doing a bump of Crystal. You just see Bobby's penis and you dance till dawn. It's perfect. Yeah.

• 46:20Andrew Santino?

  That's the new Burning Man. Bobby in the desert. You, have you done this?

• 46:24Speaker 06

  Burning Man?

• 46:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 46:25Speaker 06

  No, no, of course not.

• 46:26Andrew Santino?

  See, it's funny. I, my reaction was this. No, I would never. And then I watched that fucking documentary. Man, they got me a little bit that I was like, maybe I should try it one time.

• 46:34Speaker 06

  I am

• 46:35Andrew Santino?

  Just to feel it, just to see it. I do want to experience stuff at my age now where I'm like, I'm, I might as well go one time and, and just try it.

• 46:41Speaker 06

  I think going once is a totally valid use of your time.

• 46:44Andrew Santino?

  I might try it.

• 46:44Speaker 06

  I just know that like for me, it's not my bag. I came from all that shit. I came from like wild drug nudity, like punk rock houses, like zero security. And now it's like, I just, I really like my garden. Like I don't need to recreate chaos because I successfully fled it somehow.

• 47:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you got out. You got out. You didn't, you don't want to go back in.

• 47:02Speaker 06

  I mean, it's cool. Like they asked me to do the gathering this year, like of the Juggalos.

• 47:05Andrew Santino?

  And?

• 47:06Speaker 06

  And I was like, no, because it didn't work scheduling wise. But then I saw that Sarah Sherman did it too. And it's like, I would have fucking loved to have been there with Sarah Sherman.

• 47:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 47:13Speaker 06

  Shucking weirdo Chicago legend at the gathering. Like that would have been fun.

• 47:17Andrew Santino?

  Huge.

• 47:17Speaker 06

  So I regretted it because I was like an old man about it. Like, oh no, I've had my fun, kids, you know, but have a good time out there.

• 47:23Andrew Santino?

  Well, remember that ICP is significantly older than you.

• 47:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, but they're also like awesome.

• 47:27Andrew Santino?

  They're still, well, you're still awesome. What's the difference?

• 47:29Speaker 06

  I know, but like they come to my, they came to my show in Detroit and like, I got off stage at Ridley's and the owner's like, hey, there's a guy in the green room. Like you probably want to go talk to him. And I was like, okay. And I walk in, there's a man, like a ghoulish, white, pasty man with face tattoos and like two super hot chicks. And I was like, hey, how you doing? And they're like, hey dude, uh, I'm in ICP. I just don't have my face mask on. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, hey, welcome. Help yourself to the fridge. I literally thought a man was there to kill me from Siberia.

• 47:57Andrew Santino?

  Hey, there's a man here who needs to talk with you.

• 47:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:59Andrew Santino?

  That was a signal for you to leave.

• 48:01Speaker 06

  Uh huh, yeah.

• 48:01Andrew Santino?

  Don't go in there.

• 48:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, he wants to just talk, he said. So, yeah. You know.

• 48:09Speaker 06

  He's right here. Yeah, those guys are cool and I come from like poor rural America, so I love juggalos.

• 48:14Andrew Santino?

  I keep talking about them on the shows. I had a buddy, our buddy Relish, who makes shirts. Uh, they, he, they reached out and they were like, he's like, I make shirts for those guys. We've talked multiple times about being like, I do want to go to one show. I've never been to a show. I want to go to them.

• 48:26Speaker 06

  You want to go dude, but you also want to do it from like side stage.

• 48:29Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 48:29Speaker 06

  You don't want to be out getting sprayed.

• 48:31Andrew Santino?

  I don't want to get punched. I'm at an age now where I just don't want to get, no, no, an accidental like a flail.

• 48:36Speaker 06

  A flail.

• 48:36Andrew Santino?

  That would be me.

• 48:37Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:37Andrew Santino?

  Like someone just, someone just going at it hard, having a blast.

• 48:40Speaker 06

  Right. And you ruin it with your jaw.

• 48:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, for sure. Just fuck up everyone's rhythm.

• 48:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 48:44Andrew Santino?

  Like, get this guy out of here. I see them carry me out.

• 48:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, passing.

• 48:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, out, out, not, not in a celebration, in a removal ritual. Get him out of here.

• 48:53Speaker 06

  Just into the trash.

• 48:54Andrew Santino?

  But I do want to go once. I do want to go see, I want to see what they do because I think it's fucking fascinating. Because honestly, shows now, we're at the age, I said to my wife, I was like, we go to concerts now. We don't go to shows anymore.

• 49:05Speaker 06

  Right.

• 49:05Andrew Santino?

  Concerts, which is fine. It's great. You're just, we go to, we're old people, we're sitting the whole time.

• 49:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 49:09Andrew Santino?

  I'm like, this is beautiful, but also it'd be nice to feel the thing again.

• 49:13Speaker 06

  Well, and it's like the, you know, when you like have a little bit of steam finally and like different communities that you admire, like fuck with you now.

• 49:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 49:19Speaker 06

  So like those communities for me are like hardcore, like very loud, like aggressive music. Like that's where I came from.

• 49:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 49:25Speaker 06

  So now all these dudes are like, yo dude, like my band Skinhead's playing in town. We'd love to guest list you. And I'm like, dude, I love you guys, but I'm an old man. And like, I have to go to, you know, gymnastics practice with my niece. So, but thank you for inviting me to the cool warehouse show, you know?

• 49:40Andrew Santino?

  You can do both.

• 49:41Speaker 06

  You can do both, but I prioritize one over the other now.

• 49:44Andrew Santino?

  For sure.

• 49:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 49:44Andrew Santino?

  For sure. Wait till you hit forty, it gets even worse.

• 49:47Speaker 06

  Well, I'm thirty-nine and I, uh, I've, I've been able to dodge any amount of like responsibility, you know, so I think I'm a pretty young.

• 49:53Andrew Santino?

  Marriage is responsibility. Yeah, that's good.

• 49:55Speaker 06

  It's a team.

• 49:56Andrew Santino?

  Marriage, life, a home. This is, this is, this is all real now.

• 49:59Speaker 06

  But I mean, like I never really had to like do anything I didn't want to do because I was just.

• 50:02Andrew Santino?

  Like a kid's thing.

• 50:03Speaker 06

  Poor.

• 50:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 50:04Speaker 06

  And traded, you know, security for like a life and show business. Yeah. It was awesome.

• 50:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but it worked.

• 50:09Speaker 06

  It was great. I'm so happy it worked out. But there was a long time where I was like, oh, I don't know this is going to work out. In Vegas, I used to like call my wife and be like, hey, like maybe I can get back into college. Like maybe I could like teach. I could be happy teaching. Like maybe I'm like a high school football coach and she'd be like, it was just a bad set. And I was like, no, it was, it was like existential death. Like Lithuanians hissed at me, honey. Like this was the, I can't devote my life to this anymore. It's a waste. And she'd be like, it's okay buddy. Don't worry.

• 50:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're gonna be fine. So she's been supportive the whole time.

• 50:36Speaker 06

  Ten toes.

• 50:36Andrew Santino?

  Man, that's amazing. How cool is that?

• 50:38Speaker 06

  She's the best.

• 50:39Andrew Santino?

  Did she, did you meet through comedy?

• 50:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, we met at a house party, just normal like human meeting. Uh, and then I was like, I run a show. And she was twenty and I was twenty-four. And I was like, I run a show and like, we don't card anyone. You can come. And she was there the next week, like wasted.

• 50:52Andrew Santino?

  That's awesome.

• 50:53Speaker 06

  And then we moved in together like three weeks later.

• 50:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm going to do it all the time forever.

• 50:57Speaker 06

  Forever. And I'd already been on the road. I was, I'd been doing it for six years and already like hard out, like every weekend.

• 51:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 51:03Speaker 06

  So she was like, oh yeah, I get it. I'm going to be in med school, I guess. And I was like, cool, cool.

• 51:07Andrew Santino?

  How many weekends a month are you gone now?

• 51:08Speaker 06

  Oh, I did, I did forty-six this year.

• 51:10Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit.

• 51:11Speaker 06

  And then the, like the other ones were all weddings. So I had two weekends at home this year.

• 51:15Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 51:15Speaker 06

  I know, it's too much.

• 51:17Andrew Santino?

  No, it's not too much. I mean, it's, it's what you love, it's what you love. I, I, I get burnt out pretty bad. My, my, um, my anxiety meter gets so high that I get real fucked up and homesick and then I start spiraling a little bit and I get so tripped out. I mean, I, I did it for a long time and then now I'm going to go back next year and go out again, but I think it does something to you that people don't understand. That you're like, it's fun, but it's also.

• 51:37Speaker 06

  It's like not what a human being was designed to do. We were designed to like live like fifty miles from where we were born and kind of like chill and like gather herbs. And like chase a, like a bore down every now and then. And meanwhile, like I'm on an airplane, you're on an airplane, like twice at least every week. Like you're, I, what I think about now dude is not just the airplane cancer that we're all going to get.

• 51:56Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 06

  But like walking through the security thing that scans your body.

• 52:00Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 52:00Speaker 06

  And then invariably, it's like, we need to do another scan. So now I'm piling up like two to five of these x-rays. It's what the fuck is that going to do to me, dude?

• 52:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. And it's, and it, and then by the way, I get stopped every fucking time.

• 52:12Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:13Andrew Santino?

  They're like, extra, extra screening for you, my friend. So we're going to wand you with a cancer stick. You have to go back in the cancer box.

• 52:17Speaker 06

  Right.

• 52:18Andrew Santino?

  Then we're going to give you a pill. You should eat this before you get on the plane.

• 52:20Speaker 06

  Eat the pill right now. Eat it in front of me, pig body. Yeah. It's very like indignant.

• 52:25Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 52:25Speaker 06

  I mean, I'm really stoked. I love, uh, my life, but man, it's just, yeah, I need to chill. That's why I'm going to like, I'm writing more is to get off the road. It's not healthy.

• 52:33Andrew Santino?

  What are you, what are we talking? Just book mostly, mostly?

• 52:36Speaker 06

  Yeah, I got one for you. I got my new novel out there for you. Yeah.

• 52:39Andrew Santino?

  Bueno. I love this. It'll be a real juxtaposition between Pete Holmes just sent me a new children's book, which is awesome. And it's this, that's very thin and it's very easy to read, but it's very playful and fun.

• 52:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:49Andrew Santino?

  And.

• 52:49Speaker 06

  That's an accepted cash grab. Yeah. You read a kid's book. It's like, all right, fair play. Well done.

• 52:54Andrew Santino?

  You're like, yeah, he has kids. I get it. Write a book. That's totally fine. I don't have kids, but I, but I thank him for the book.

• 53:00Speaker 06

  Right, yeah.

• 53:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. I'll, I'll read it to my imaginary kid. Yeah, I'll keep it in my house.

• 53:04Speaker 06

  Uh, when he comes over for a sleepover and he has night terrors, you're going to be like, oh, let's go see what Pete has to say.

• 53:08Andrew Santino?

  Do you know this? This is crazy. What an amazing thing. He does have night terrors.

• 53:12Speaker 06

  Of course.

• 53:13Andrew Santino?

  Tremendous night terrors.

• 53:14Speaker 06

  He gives off night terrors.

• 53:14Andrew Santino?

  He does.

• 53:15Speaker 06

  On the bus.

• 53:16Andrew Santino?

  When we were traveling on the bus together and we did the Bad Friends tour.

• 53:18Speaker 06

  Right when I met them. He woke up screaming in a booth? I woke them up screaming.

• 53:21Andrew Santino?

  Panic, panic. We thought someone, we thought, I do believe we might've been in Detroit for one of them.

• 53:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:26Andrew Santino?

  He woke up in a panic. I thought someone was getting hurt, like physically. I thought a woman was hurt outside. No, it was a young man in booth, in bunk number two.

• 53:33Speaker 06

  Bunk number two. It was so bad to have a night terror and then wake up in your own tomb. You wake up in a casket.

• 53:39Andrew Santino?

  It's all real.

• 53:40Speaker 06

  Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the common area. Oh, yeah.

• 53:43Andrew Santino?

  He'd sit, he'd sit in the couch or lay down on the couch.

• 53:46Speaker 06

  Wake up screaming while people were playing Xbox?

• 53:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dude, it was crazy.

• 53:50Speaker 06

  Well, me and Bobby, the last ones awake, so.

• 53:51Andrew Santino?

  Bobby would stay up all night. I, Bobby is a, Bobby's a, the quintessential night owl in the way we're cut. People like, comics, you're up all night.

• 53:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:58Andrew Santino?

  At a certain age, dude. Now I'm forty-three soon. I don't stay up all night like I used to, but I used to love it.

• 54:04Speaker 06

  Uh-huh.

• 54:04Andrew Santino?

  Bobby's fifty-five and will be up till six in the morning.

• 54:07Speaker 06

  I mean, David Tell like doesn't go to bed until the sun's in the sky.

• 54:11Andrew Santino?

  He is, he is made somewhere else.

• 54:14Speaker 06

  He's half owl.

• 54:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's something else. There's something, he's fascinating. And by the way, the most like generous, sweet, nice, funny, he's my comedy number one.

• 54:21Speaker 06

  I think he's the best alive comedian. Yeah, I think he's the best nightclub comic ever.

• 54:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 54:26Speaker 06

  People always say like Norm's the best and it's like, to be fair, like I'd rather see David Tell at Comedy Works.

• 54:31Andrew Santino?

  Norm's probably one of the greatest comedic presence of all time because he was able to touch all these bases of like, he could do live television. You know, like I think Dave, after doing his show and getting sober, didn't ever want to be back on television. He's like, this is a waste of all of our time.

• 54:44Speaker 06

  And also like, he's, people, like my, my agents are like, don't you want to get into theaters? And it's like, Tell doesn't do theaters and he's the best ever.

• 54:50Andrew Santino?

  And he refuses to do that.

• 54:51Speaker 06

  Because it's not as good of a show.

• 54:53Andrew Santino?

  It's not as good of a show. It's, it's as good of, it's as good of a show as it can be for the size, but you're going to get something sexier when you do clubs. It's just something about it's more intimate. Now, the theaters are phenomenal because it's like you're putting on a, it's a show.

• 55:06Speaker 06

  Right. That's like, I'm not a showman that way.

• 55:08Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 55:08Speaker 06

  Like I'm like a nightclub guy.

• 55:10Andrew Santino?

  Right. He's a nightclub guy through and through. And he brings candy for everybody all the time. The amount of bags he brings.

• 55:14Speaker 06

  Pizza, he fucking.

• 55:15Andrew Santino?

  It's amazing. Yeah.

• 55:16Speaker 06

  Prunes.

• 55:17Andrew Santino?

  Prunes. Got, he brought two bags of prunes for us, which was very nice. He's like, I got to stay regular.

• 55:21Speaker 06

  And you don't know why you had night terrors?

• 55:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 55:24Speaker 06

  Huh? You had to eat prunes?

• 55:25Andrew Santino?

  We do know why he had night terrors. Yeah. It's a lot of therapy. It's getting very expensive. We do got to get all that out before the therapist overcharges.

• 55:32Speaker 06

  Bro, I had night terrors. I mean, is it, what is it? You're just like, you've been thrust into this like world and then it's like fucking sleep anxiety? A lot of mine, so.

• 55:40Andrew Santino?

  Childhood trauma.

• 55:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. But it didn't, it didn't really start till the end of high school into my like adult life that I would sleepwalk and sleep talk and all of it.

• 55:48Andrew Santino?

  It's funny how misdiagnosed everything does go, especially like our generation. Like I remember in college, I had these ocular migraines, which I still get once in a while. I go blind in my left eye.

• 55:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. Very scary. You think it's a stroke.

• 55:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 55:59Speaker 06

  Understand.

• 55:59Andrew Santino?

  You're going to die. I'm going to die.

• 56:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:01Andrew Santino?

  And the doctors.

• 56:01Speaker 06

  My head's collapsing.

• 56:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. The doctors were like, uh, well, you're just, uh, you're probably just worried about graduating college and going to the real world.

• 56:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:08Andrew Santino?

  Or I can't fucking see out of the left side of my face. Like it's a hemispheric blindness. I literally can't see. And they were like, nah, dude, don't worry about it. I just, hey, the workforce is not as scary as you think it's going to be, big boy. That's like our generation. And then the overcorrection for his was like pills and everything and you're fine in its comfort. There was no middle ground. It was like, it, it that.

• 56:27Speaker 06

  It was rub some dirt on it or you're going to be sleeping in a pod while scientists watch you. That was, that was, there's no gap.

• 56:33Andrew Santino?

  Right. Much like our economy. There was no middle class. It was either fucking all or nothing. And they did, dude, they made me feel so dumb and bad about it that I was kind of scared. I was like, oh, maybe, maybe something is wrong with me because they wouldn't diagnose me with ocular migraines. I kept telling them, they're like, nah, it's a symptom of anxiety. I was like, really? I physically can't see. Like I actually can't see.

• 56:55Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:55Andrew Santino?

  And they were like, I don't know, man. I think this is kind of, I think you're just kind of overreacting.

• 56:59Speaker 06

  Kind of dramatic.

• 57:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're being a little drama queen.

• 57:01Speaker 06

  You always like this? Yeah? Oh, no.

• 57:03Andrew Santino?

  They give me a sash, drama queen. They're like, get him out of here, dude. You're fine.

• 57:07Speaker 06

  You have to wear a tiara at a college the next day? Now you're blind in both eyes?

• 57:11Andrew Santino?

  Well, I did have to wear one when I joined that sorority. That is also, I had to wear that. The ritual was tough.

• 57:15Speaker 06

  You set a precedent, man.

• 57:16Andrew Santino?

  I did. I did. Nobody, nobody could dance like me.

• 57:19Speaker 06

  Well, now Gamma Kai has to accept dudes.

• 57:21Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 57:22Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and they must. Gamma.

• 57:24Speaker 06

  Hear that gam gam?

• 57:25Andrew Santino?

  Be good about it. I did have those, I had an ocular the other day, which fucks me up because I think it's going to ruin my day when I get them.

• 57:31Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:31Andrew Santino?

  And now I've learned.

• 57:32Speaker 06

  Now, why do you think that?

• 57:35Speaker 06

  You do overreact. What the hell?

• 57:38Andrew Santino?

  I I used to be like I didn't know how to handle it and now I know how to like get through them and sometimes I'll have them in the middle of something and like if I'm at like a meeting or something and I'm having one and I literally just push through it and I think I wonder if they even know or this is just being an adult when it's like just fucking go through it.

• 57:55Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think that is like be a man. That's why men's hearts explode.

• 57:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's why we die. Be a man. Get cancer. Be a man. Be a man about it. But I do hate, it it happened the other morning because I was outside playing with my dog and as soon as I walked in, my wife, she knew right away. I was like, hey, and she's like, oh, no, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I cannot.

• 58:13Speaker 06

  Oh, this again? Great, Andrew.

• 58:15Andrew Santino?

  She starts spitting on me. Lay down, bitch. But I but I cannot see out of this left side. If anybody has it at home, I feel you. It's it's the worst thing in the world because you.

• 58:24Speaker 06

  There's pain, too.

• 58:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, so typically it's a precursor.

• 58:27Speaker 06

  You tried mushrooms? I know psilocybin is good for cluster migraines.

• 58:31Andrew Santino?

  Yes, so this is, uh, the ocular trigger is a precursor typically for most people to a severe migraine that will come later. But but there is no like, there is no like scale of time where it goes. Usually comes within a, sometimes I'll have one and I won't get a migraine until way later at night. When I say a migraine, I mean like, sit down.

• 58:49Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's crazy. It's like insane pain where someone's like, take some fucking Advil. And you're like, okay, dude, not gonna happen.

• 58:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, the heartbreak kick. It's in my fucking head.

• 59:00Andrew Santino?

  I'm I'm spinning.

• 59:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 59:01Andrew Santino?

  But then, uh, uh, now I've learned the little stupid little tricks. It is funny. It's like you're tricking your own brain how to get out of it faster. But it is my like, my old man thing now. Now it's happening more and more.

• 59:12Speaker 06

  I've been on stage and like literally gone into panic attacks and been like, oh, no, I'm dying. And then you like give yourself this like phantom like, oh, no, my arm's tingling. I have like a shortness of breath. But you're still just up there being like, and another thing about Busch Gardens is uh, on stage?

• 59:26Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:27Speaker 06

  Oh, I've just been up there and then the only time that it goes away is when I'm like, well, I'm just gonna die up here. Like, that's a fine fitting. Like, I'm on stage thinking all of this while being like, you know, but that's why they call him, uh, that's why they call him El Fudge, you know, like that kind of shit. And you're just like, I'm gonna die up here, but that's what I wanted. Like, I'm having this entire ego existential death on stage while also doing my dumb act.

• 59:48Andrew Santino?

  That's pretty good for you, though.

• 59:49Speaker 06

  It's crazy. It's like a crazy thing that your brain, like, stand up is fucking nuts.

• 59:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 59:54Speaker 06

  Like, I am so bad at like doing, like, if my wife's like, I need you to go to the post office and the grocery store, I'm ruined. My day is ruined. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I have to like ramp up. But like, there's so many insane situations that are involved with stand up, whether it's the travel or like the life or whatever, that would spiral most Americans.

• 1:00:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 06

  And I'm just like, oh, yeah, I'm just, I'm trapped, I guess, in New Brunswick for eighteen hours and I don't know what to do, but that's fine. Like, I know I'll be okay. Meanwhile, if I have to do any little thing at home, I'm fucked, man. Yeah.

• 1:00:26Andrew Santino?

  Now, do you do you, do you do mushrooms often?

• 1:00:29Speaker 06

  No, uh, I I used, I've I've I did LSD probably like a thousand times. I lived, I went through like a real heavy LSD period. And I've done mushrooms a bunch, but I don't do them really anymore.

• 1:00:37Andrew Santino?

  Nothing now.

• 1:00:38Speaker 06

  Uh, I smoke weed now.

• 1:00:40Andrew Santino?

  I like to microdose before I play golf. I'm a big golf guy, but it's one of my favorite things. I found it to be the most calming way to, so I eat breakfast and with a coffee, I'll take like a little microdose and then I like to go play.

• 1:00:50Speaker 06

  It's really good for neuroplasticity and I bet you play better.

• 1:00:53Andrew Santino?

  Uh, I I it's it's not even that I play better or worse. I feel physically better about

• 1:00:58Speaker 06

  You're having a hoot.

• 1:00:58Andrew Santino?

  About the day. Like, it just kind of does a thing where, um, I don't know, because golf is is such a mental game. It's nerd shit, but it's like, it's all in your brain.

• 1:01:08Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:01:08Andrew Santino?

  Once you're, once you understand the physics of your body and as you grow, it changes too, which is also a whole really dynamic discussion about body movement because it's a still ball, which is so, it's antithetical to most sports where you like hit a thing that isn't moving.

• 1:01:22Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:01:22Andrew Santino?

  And when I do that, it's I escape. So it's not even that I play better, but I just, I'm just way more, um, free.

• 1:01:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:01:30Andrew Santino?

  I feel, I feel, I feel present, but also, you know, kind of at at the will of the game more than I ever am. So I'm a big, if you're, if you do golf and it's a great sport, I know people make fun of it and, but I'm telling you, it's four hours with your friends outside.

• 1:01:43Speaker 06

  You're on a walk with your buddies in the sun. Like, it makes total sense to me.

• 1:01:46Andrew Santino?

  It's the best.

• 1:01:47Speaker 06

  I I don't golf, but like I play frisbee golf. I get why people like golf.

• 1:01:50Andrew Santino?

  You used to love frisbee golf. You used to love it. I used to, well.

• 1:01:53Speaker 06

  And then you grew up, right? I know. I've heard the stories.

• 1:01:55Andrew Santino?

  You know what it is. It's knees and back and hips and like.

• 1:01:58Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. Regular golf's a lot better for that.

• 1:02:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is.

• 1:02:02Andrew Santino?

  No, my spine.

• 1:02:02Speaker 06

  One repetitive movement from one side.

• 1:02:04Andrew Santino?

  That's all. My spine's just broken.

• 1:02:05Speaker 06

  It's hollow. Yeah. I heard it jangling.

• 1:02:07Andrew Santino?

  Nothing left.

• 1:02:07Speaker 06

  I thought you had chains on. Yeah.

• 1:02:09Andrew Santino?

  I played ultimate frisbee in college for our, like, our, uh, our, uh, what do you want it, like a rec team or whatever?

• 1:02:14Speaker 06

  Where'd you go to school?

• 1:02:15Andrew Santino?

  Arizona State. Harvard, the West.

• 1:02:17Speaker 06

  Dude, uh, that's what Jake Plummer said, right?

• 1:02:19Andrew Santino?

  That's exactly right, dude.

• 1:02:20Speaker 06

  Didn't he retire to play disc golf and get high in Arizona?

• 1:02:22Andrew Santino?

  Jake the Snake. Yes, he did. Yeah. Why not? I mean, you know.

• 1:02:25Speaker 06

  I'm all for it.

• 1:02:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah. And rumors, he killed Pat Tillman. I don't know if you know that, but that was actually Jake the Snake that did that.

• 1:02:31Speaker 06

  He covered it up.

• 1:02:34Andrew Santino?

  Someone right, I've some fan is just like.

• 1:02:36Speaker 06

  It was actually Jake the Snake Roberts who killed him. It was DT. Yeah, and then Plummer came in.

• 1:02:42Andrew Santino?

  Now, I played ultimate frisbee for their, for their, uh, for like our, whatever, our rec team. And I was, and I got drafted by a guy who played basketball with us that was like, you should come play with us. And I was like,

• 1:02:54Speaker 06

  Drafted?

• 1:02:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he just kind of like, it it.

• 1:02:56Speaker 06

  You what, the Merchant Marines?

• 1:02:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:59Speaker 06

  Golf?

• 1:02:59Andrew Santino?

  You're welcome. No, no, no, no. I, I was playing basketball and he was like, come play ultimate frisbee with us. And I was like, I'm not interested, brother. I don't want to, I don't really want to.

• 1:03:06Speaker 06

  Hey, I'm not a pussy, sir. How dare you?

• 1:03:09Andrew Santino?

  I like fighting and chicks, dude.

• 1:03:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:11Andrew Santino?

  No, but he was like.

• 1:03:12Speaker 06

  You're reading a Maxim magazine? How dare you? You need some creatine?

• 1:03:17Andrew Santino?

  He was like, come play with us. You're gonna love it. And and, because he was like, it's like, it's like the idea of basketball of running and jumping. He's like, you're gonna love it. And I was like, I've never played it before. And I got hooked. I was like obsessed. I became obsessed.

• 1:03:30Speaker 06

  It's a great team game, dude.

• 1:03:31Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god, I got obsessed.

• 1:03:32Speaker 06

  I came from football, so it's like, it's fun.

• 1:03:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's so, well.

• 1:03:35Speaker 06

  It's a lot of running, though.

• 1:03:36Andrew Santino?

  Lot, lot easier on your body than football.

• 1:03:38Speaker 06

  One hundred percent. But as far as like angles and stuff.

• 1:03:40Andrew Santino?

  O-line?

• 1:03:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, I was a, I was a right tackle for a left-handed quarterback.

• 1:03:44Andrew Santino?

  Right tackle.

• 1:03:45Speaker 06

  So I was blindside tackle.

• 1:03:47Andrew Santino?

  What, high school and college?

• 1:03:48Speaker 06

  No big deal. Just high school.

• 1:03:50Andrew Santino?

  That's a huge deal.

• 1:03:51Speaker 06

  Just high school.

• 1:03:52Andrew Santino?

  Why didn't you want to play, uh, more?

• 1:03:53Speaker 06

  I did. I hurt my knee.

• 1:03:54Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah. And that was it?

• 1:03:55Speaker 06

  And I went to improv class instead. See you straight up.

• 1:03:58Andrew Santino?

  We all became theater boys at some point.

• 1:04:00Speaker 06

  Well, so like, I've been so grateful that I didn't play college football because like I would have just, and again, totally valid job, but like I would have been an English teacher, you know, high school football coach.

• 1:04:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:08Speaker 06

  Like, I don't think that I would have aspired to chase this crazy dream.

• 1:04:12Andrew Santino?

  That alternative life for you would have been cool to see.

• 1:04:14Speaker 06

  It would have been fine, dude. Like, I would have been, I think I could have been very happy.

• 1:04:16Andrew Santino?

  You would have married another teacher, the music teacher. You'd have married her for sure.

• 1:04:19Speaker 06

  I would have married a woman who is, uh, is probably a lesbian, but like couldn't be a lesbian in our small town.

• 1:04:25Andrew Santino?

  The music teacher. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:27Speaker 06

  One hundred percent. Yeah.

• 1:04:28Andrew Santino?

  She couldn't be. She wasn't allowed to be. But you let her have these little escapes and adventures and you were like, go do your thing.

• 1:04:33Speaker 06

  I'm not jealous if it's girls. Why would I be jealous if it's girls? Yeah. I know you don't like fucking men, so like that'd be weird if you cheated on me with a man, but yeah, get out there.

• 1:04:44Speaker 06

  I get into leather bracelets. Like, I'd be a leather bracelet.

• 1:04:47Andrew Santino?

  You'd be ma, you'd make them. You'd start making them.

• 1:04:48Speaker 06

  I'd have a stay out, like a stall at the farmer's market. Like, I just need to sell five more. Need to five more and I can get that boat cover.

• 1:04:54Andrew Santino?

  That's your Denver, that would have been your Denver life.

• 1:04:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I, well, hopefully it would have, I I think that if I would have not done comedy, I would have like gone to a, I don't know, like go to Dartmouth or something and like try and relocate to the East Coast.

• 1:05:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you that, when you were growing up there, did you really pine to go to the East Coast?

• 1:05:10Speaker 06

  My mom was like, you're getting the fuck out of here, stupid. Like, you're not staying in this place. You're not getting trapped here. You're not gonna have sex and knock anyone up. Like, you're, this is not where you belong and I'm sorry you're here, but you're getting out.

• 1:05:21Andrew Santino?

  Did she grow up in in rural Colorado?

• 1:05:22Speaker 06

  She grew up in Cleveland.

• 1:05:23Andrew Santino?

  Oh.

• 1:05:24Speaker 06

  And I'm like, met my dad in Colorado while they were bank examiners and like they not at all should never have met.

• 1:05:30Andrew Santino?

  Bank examiner?

• 1:05:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, they worked for the Fed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so, yeah, they met and then she got like trapped in this real small town my dad was from. And he liked it because like he knew everyone for thirty-five years, you know?

• 1:05:41Andrew Santino?

  He had the control.

• 1:05:42Speaker 06

  It was perfect. Yeah. And meanwhile, she was like a swinging sister from like black Cleveland and, you know, she was a white woman, but she.

• 1:05:48Andrew Santino?

  Well, as far as we know.

• 1:05:50Speaker 06

  I mean, dig her up. I bet she's not white anymore.

• 1:05:54Speaker 06

  Her bones are bleached, but, yeah.

• 1:05:57Andrew Santino?

  Dig her up, man.

• 1:05:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:05:59Andrew Santino?

  I know where she is.

• 1:06:00Speaker 06

  I know exactly where she is.

• 1:06:01Andrew Santino?

  Cleveland?

• 1:06:02Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:06:03Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:06:03Speaker 06

  I don't give up her coordinates.

• 1:06:05Andrew Santino?

  Good, you should not.

• 1:06:05Speaker 06

  I have some, I don't want anyone to grave rob my mom.

• 1:06:07Andrew Santino?

  They might. Well, we do have, we do have some grave rob fans. Yeah, we have some grave rob fans. We really do. They're.

• 1:06:12Speaker 06

  People send me my home address all the time. That's a fun gag.

• 1:06:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, what's this new obsession with trying to like find out phone numbers and addresses and that's a weird, it's a weird, weird fucking thing.

• 1:06:20Speaker 06

  They're just trying to scare you.

• 1:06:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but it's more, it's more sad than scary. It's more like, don't do, why, why is that the?

• 1:06:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm also not scared of it.

• 1:06:29Andrew Santino?

  Things that go bump in the night?

• 1:06:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:06:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I just don't, I, I, like, there is too much. Like, even now, you know, like, and it's fine, but the Amazon guy will be like, "Santino!"

• 1:06:39Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:40Andrew Santino?

  And I'm like, "Fuck." It's like a little hard, because you're like, "It's my house, it's where I live."

• 1:06:45Speaker 06

  I don't like anyone knowing I'm in here. I had a door knocker, like, a roofer guy came, you know, and I, like, opened the door, and was like, "Hey, man, we're all good." And he was like, "All right, all right," and then they tried to give me the pitch, then he was like, "Holy shit, Matt and Shane's, right?" And I was like, "Yeah, for sure." And he's like, "Oh, my god," and he's like, taking pictures, like, and I'm standing next to my address. And I'm like, "Let me get a photo," like, I was like, "Dude, come on." Like, this is not door knocker behavior. Like, you just blew the sale so hard. Like, what the fuck is this?

• 1:07:11Andrew Santino?

  He's like, "But I got the photo."

• 1:07:12Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Sometimes the photo means the world.

• 1:07:14Speaker 06

  I've got the blackmail. You're getting a roof.

• 1:07:18Andrew Santino?

  You will buy a roof from me.

• 1:07:19Speaker 06

  The Discord's gonna know you live here.

• 1:07:23Andrew Santino?

  Wait till Reddit gets their hands on this fucking shit, dude.

• 1:07:25Speaker 06

  God damn it.

• 1:07:26Andrew Santino?

  You could sell this motherfucker anything.

• 1:07:27Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:07:28Andrew Santino?

  Knock on his door, he'll come out, he's home, reading books.

• 1:07:30Speaker 06

  He's reading, and he's in his garden. Just don't call him gay.

• 1:07:34Andrew Santino?

  What are you gardening now?

• 1:07:35Speaker 06

  Uh, I just love flowers.

• 1:07:36Andrew Santino?

  Okay, no, no, no, no veg.

• 1:07:39Speaker 06

  No, we have, uh, we have pumpkins, we have beans, we have tomatoes, eggplant, uh, we have, uh, a lot of raspberries, mulberries, a lot of different berries, honestly. And then these pumpkins kinda took over, so it's mostly a pumpkin yard right now.

• 1:07:53Andrew Santino?

  Sorry about that.

• 1:07:53Speaker 06

  It's okay, and then also, I planted all these, like, wildflower seeds, like, local wildflower, but for some reason, only black-eyed Susans grew. So, like, I just have, like, I have, like, two stands of, like, butterfly bush, and then I just have a yellow fucking yard, and there's pumpkin everywhere.

• 1:08:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you, you did that.

• 1:08:09Speaker 06

  I love it, I love it, I'm so proud, I love watching the vine progress. It's climbing up this, like, lattice of trees that I connected, so now, like, the pumpkin is crawling over the tree lattice, which is, like, super magic.

• 1:08:19Andrew Santino?

  That is very fucking cool.

• 1:08:20Speaker 06

  I fucking love it.

• 1:08:21Andrew Santino?

  But the pumpkins, if you don't control them, they just take over everything.

• 1:08:24Speaker 06

  And these were our first time with pumpkins, so I didn't know.

• 1:08:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:27Speaker 06

  But they're literally just, like, like, I have these grapevines I planted, and they're fighting the pumpkin vine.

• 1:08:32Andrew Santino?

  Cool.

• 1:08:32Speaker 06

  But, like, I kinda wanna see who wins, even though I want the grapes to be there long-term. It's, it's fun back there.

• 1:08:36Andrew Santino?

  You know what you should do is, uh, what do they call it, uh, why can't I think of the name? When, when you wedge another, um...

• 1:08:41Speaker 06

  Oh, splicing?

• 1:08:42Andrew Santino?

  Splicing, yeah.

• 1:08:42Speaker 06

  Yeah, when you, like, put it in the bark?

• 1:08:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:44Speaker 06

  I wanna do that with mimosa, but I need to figure out, like, which of these trees is the most fecundant, I guess? There's a lot of, like, weird tinkering that goes in.

• 1:08:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you gotta, you gotta experiment, that's like...

• 1:08:54Speaker 06

  Oh, dude, when you're, well, fuck, I had this black violet, like, come out of nowhere, and I cried. I was like, "This is literally everything I've ever wanted out of life." Like, to own a house where I can have a beautiful garden, and now there's a random, like, crazy flower, and I was just weeping. And of course, I tried to tell my wife about, like, how special it was, and she's like, "12 dead."

• 1:09:13Speaker 06

  She's like, "Wear a helmet on your lime scooters, people," and I'm like, "Okay." Uh, we have, there's, there's hummingbirds, too, "Shut up!"

• 1:09:19Andrew Santino?

  Hummingbirds, hummingbirds live four days!

• 1:09:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, exactly, what are they gonna do, eat your eyes when you're dirt, too? Did you exercise? I played drums, drums! It's crazy.

• 1:09:30Andrew Santino?

  I am fascinated with the gardening aspect, I wish, I want one so fucking bad, because everyone I know that has a good one is so, is obsessed.

• 1:09:35Speaker 06

  Just hire a gardener, dude. Like, you don't have the time, probably, but you wanna garden?

• 1:09:39Andrew Santino?

  So bad.

• 1:09:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, get a gardener.

• 1:09:40Andrew Santino?

  I just wanna, I wanna tinker with stuff. I, I, that, like, we went, we did a little, um, little getaway to, uh, Wine Country, just up north here, just north of Ojai, in the San Ynez Valley. It's incredible, the guy took us on a tour, he's like, "How much do you wanna hear?" I was like, "Everything that you wanna tell me."

• 1:09:53Speaker 06

  Yeah. I'm fascinated.

• 1:09:55Andrew Santino?

  I wanna know all of the intricacies of, like, how you grow, and, and what the tricks that you use. And they do a lot of that splicing, that's what, yeah, right? They do so much of it, the experimentation of it. It's just incredible, like, once you get into the weeds of it, and they teach you about all of it, I could never, the ti- the time consumption's insane.

• 1:10:11Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:10:12Andrew Santino?

  But it's fascinating, how they crossbreed and everything, and how they experiment with something. He's like, "And this one failed, and you can see why."

• 1:10:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's like, "All right, dude."

• 1:10:20Andrew Santino?

  It's cool, though.

• 1:10:20Speaker 06

  You're playing god back here.

• 1:10:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's cool, though, it's very fucking cool.

• 1:10:23Speaker 06

  But I do, I don't have, like, that kinda, the biological aspects of, like, horticulture don't fascinate me. I just want big, beautiful flowers. I just want Cosmos and Zinnias, and like...

• 1:10:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you want, yeah.

• 1:10:34Speaker 06

  I got these, like, these bleeding hearts were, like, the big thing I put in, but then, like, we got central AC, that was our big thing we did, finally, and they just planted the box on top of the bleeding hearts.

• 1:10:44Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 1:10:44Speaker 06

  And I tried to explain to my wife, like, how mad I was, and she was like, "What are you, what the fuck are you talking about? We have an AC unit in our house, and, yeah, they planted it on some crud in your shit yard. Big deal, all right? Now, go inside, take off your shirt, and lay down in the wind."

• 1:10:58Andrew Santino?

  She's like, "The shit?" You're like, "The shit grows, the shit." You don't understand, that was purposeful shit I would have put back there.

• 1:11:04Speaker 06

  They're beautiful, they look like throbbing hearts when they bloom. And she's like, "I saw a throbbing heart today, and it wasn't inside of a body."

• 1:11:10Andrew Santino?

  I held it inside of my fucking, she ER nurse?

• 1:11:13Speaker 06

  Uh, no, but she did rural medicine for two years after residency, and she was, like, one of two doctors in, like, a population center of 50,000 people, and it was, it was, like, straight up, like, Dr. Quinn, medicine woman.

• 1:11:25Andrew Santino?

  You're doing everything.

• 1:11:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she's like a Swiss Army knife.

• 1:11:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, like, you know, if someone needs to give birth, she's there. You know, if someone has, uh, some fake, like, blind migraine or whatever, and they just want attention, like, she has to suss that out, too.

• 1:11:37Andrew Santino?

  When there's, like, a pussy in there?

• 1:11:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:39Andrew Santino?

  She's like, "A pussy in room four, I'm gonna go take her for a birth." That's why I say I had an epidural put in my back, and I was, like, nervous as shit about the epidural, because I had, uh...

• 1:11:48Speaker 06

  Were you pregnant?

• 1:11:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:49Speaker 06

  Okay, yeah.

• 1:11:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:50Speaker 06

  Congrats.

• 1:11:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm about to do a Bud Light ad in two seconds here.

• 1:11:54Andrew Santino?

  No, I had, that, that was, like, the most damning thing, where he was, I got nervous about doing it, because I had a, such a bad herniation. I have periforma syndrome, nobody cares, it's not a real, it, nobody, anyway.

• 1:12:03Speaker 06

  I know about it.

• 1:12:04Andrew Santino?

  You do, yeah, I have it, it's terrible. So, and I had herniation, and the, the nerve was kinda being swallowed by this, by all the fluid from the disc, so I, like, couldn't move my left side. And finally, I was like, "All right, I don't wanna, I, I wanted to do it naturally, I did PT, I still do it every weekend." And then I was like, "I'm gonna go get an epidural, finally." A friend was like, "You have to, dude, you just gotta do it, it's gonna ease the pain." And I go in there, and the doctor, I'm like, "Hey, man, are these, like, super fucking painful? Some people I hear say it's, like, crazy painful, they have a fucking huge needle in your back."

• 1:12:30Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:12:31Andrew Santino?

  He's like, "Yeah, um, women give birth, and we give it to them, so, um, you'll be fine." And I was like, "Well, I'm not giving birth." He's like, "Right, yeah," and I was like, "Well, so that pain must be tremendously worse than this pain." He's like, "Yeah, so stop complaining."

• 1:12:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, what the hell?

• 1:12:45Andrew Santino?

  And he was like, flip over and laid out.

• 1:12:45Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:12:46Andrew Santino?

  I was like, "You're right, dude."

• 1:12:47Speaker 06

  We're giving you the wonder drug to kill Michael Jackson.

• 1:12:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and chill. But it was, when you do feel it go in, holy fucking shit.

• 1:12:55Speaker 06

  I, uh, I really, I can't imagine any kind of needle going into your spine.

• 1:12:59Andrew Santino?

  No, it's massive, too, it's wild.

• 1:13:01Speaker 06

  When my wife had to do, um, when she was learning how to do, um, what is it, like, spinal fluid extraction?

• 1:13:06Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:06Speaker 06

  Which is like a big thing.

• 1:13:07Andrew Santino?

  Like taps, like spinal tapping?

• 1:13:08Speaker 06

  Dude, that shit, she can't, that was a tough couple of weeks.

• 1:13:11Andrew Santino?

  It's super dangerous, too, because you can fuck up and you can paralyze someone.

• 1:13:15Speaker 06

  Easily.

• 1:13:15Andrew Santino?

  It's crazy.

• 1:13:16Speaker 06

  And there's a million tiny nerves in there, and if one of them gets fucked, and you can't see it, because you're penetrating human flesh, like, yeah, that was, that was a tough couple of weeks for her.

• 1:13:25Andrew Santino?

  So, my guy, uh, my doctor, who is the man, by the way, saved, saved me from, like, a two years of full-on pain. He remembers when I was going through it, I couldn't walk, dude, I couldn't move, it was fucking tremendously upsetting. This fucking guy, when I get in the room, he's like, "Do you mind if I play music?" I'm like, "You do whatever the fuck you need to do to be the artist that you are, right?"

• 1:13:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:42Andrew Santino?

  And he played, like, um, it was, like, soft, classical, rock.

• 1:13:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:13:48Andrew Santino?

  And it was really quiet, so it was, like, kind of like in the distant, it was in the room, but, like, you could barely hear it.

• 1:13:53Speaker 06

  Right, like, it was coming, blowing through a prairie outside.

• 1:13:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:57Andrew Santino?

  Blowing through your new, your new AC, it was, like, passing through your new AC.

• 1:14:00Speaker 06

  I'd rather be fucking hot and have bleeding hearts.

• 1:14:03Andrew Santino?

  And he had it in the background, and I thought, "It's interesting to know when these guys are going to school to learn this, what tricks some other guy was like, you know what helps me?" Because I thought about that, like, what, like, pre-game rituals for, like, stand-up?

• 1:14:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:14:15Andrew Santino?

  Like, did you want silence in the room?

• 1:14:16Speaker 06

  Me?

• 1:14:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:17Speaker 06

  I want complete grab ass in the green room.

• 1:14:19Andrew Santino?

  You want goofball shit until the moment, okay, see, right, I'm the same way.

• 1:14:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:23Andrew Santino?

  See, I want fuck around, goof around, like, sometimes I'll be talking to someone, and I'll be, "I gotta go," and then I'll go onstage.

• 1:14:27Speaker 06

  I've literally heard someone say my name, and be like, "All right, sorry, dude."

• 1:14:29Andrew Santino?

  I love that.

• 1:14:30Speaker 06

  But you're, like, you do a lot more showcase sets out here, right?

• 1:14:32Andrew Santino?

  I just like the distraction of it, yes, yeah, correct.

• 1:14:34Speaker 06

  So, that's the thing, is, like, I couldn't be less attached to showcase culture? Because I just go on the road and headline every weekend.

• 1:14:39Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:14:39Speaker 06

  So, like, you guys probably have a lot more, like, I don't know, you, you, the showcase muscle, I don't have as 20 years in stand-up, and it's ridiculous. Like, I didn't come from...

• 1:14:49Andrew Santino?

  You have it.

• 1:14:50Speaker 06

  I can do it, for sure, but, like, you guys, I remember coming out here in the past, and I would just get buttfucked and destroyed constantly at any audition I had, because you guys had that muscle.

• 1:14:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:59Speaker 06

  And I'd go up there with, like, headlining in Omaha energy, doing an hour for people who kind of care. I'd be like, "What's up, motherfuckers?" And, like, you'd just see, like, all the assistants be like... Like, literally, I remember auditioning for JFL in, like, 2016 at the Chatterbox, I think? Is that the name of the place? Or the West Side?

• 1:15:16Andrew Santino?

  West Side, yeah.

• 1:15:17Speaker 06

  West Side, right?

• 1:15:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the West Side, yeah.

• 1:15:18Speaker 06

  And, man, I walked up there, and there was, like, these two dudes that were, like, you know, obviously assistants to some agent, and I walked out, and they both flinched, and I was like, I just thought about how I made these guys flinch for, like, the 10 minutes I'm up there. And then I get off, and Chris Estrada's like, "Hey, you were pretty loud, man." I was like, "What the hell? Don't say loud, that's like the worst thing you could say."

• 1:15:37Andrew Santino?

  No, no, but good loud, you know, like, a tension-grabbing loud, yeah.

• 1:15:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, you weren't, like, nervous or screaming or anything.

• 1:15:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we have to get used to this, um, you have to get used to that when you work in town. Like, New York is the same way, but it's a, it's a different, different version of the, of the, of the muscle. Where when I go to New York, I have to have a different balance of that same thing. Cause otherwise, because there, it's, because LA crowds are so different than New York crowds. Uh, like in the sense of LA, I would argue, like, the store is a collection of like, maybe, uh, I would say on the weekdays, almost all locals. And on the weekends, you get maybe half tourists. And I feel like, like the cellar is mostly tourists.

• 1:16:19Speaker 06

  I think it's people are flying in from Finland because they got tickets to the cellar during that week.

• 1:16:24Andrew Santino?

  So it's all tourists. So the difference is like LA, LA, to our credit, the store feels more like at home. Like you're at home at a home show. Where you're like, oh, this is cool. Like, I know these are LA people, like, and feel the thing, and they're from everywhere all over Los Angeles.

• 1:16:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:16:37Andrew Santino?

  Whereas whenever I do the cellar, I'm like, fuck dude, this is a tourist crowd. Like, it's very much a tourist crowd. And they want you to talk like a New Yorker to tourists.

• 1:16:44Speaker 06

  Oh, they want you to, it's like in The Simpsons when Homer's going to that Chinese restaurant. And the Chinese restaurant owner says to his wife before Homer walks in, this guy likes the act, Sheila. And then says, oh, hello, Mr. Homer. Like, yeah.

• 1:16:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:58Speaker 06

  That's totally.

• 1:16:58Andrew Santino?

  They like the, yeah, they wanna hear like, uh, subway talk.

• 1:17:01Speaker 06

  I'm walking here.

• 1:17:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they wanna hear like, you know what it's like in New York?

• 1:17:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:05Andrew Santino?

  And I don't do that. So I'm like, I don't have any of the local, I don't do local material.

• 1:17:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:09Andrew Santino?

  So I can feel the difference immediately. They want, they want it.

• 1:17:12Speaker 06

  I do local material every weekend wherever I am.

• 1:17:14Andrew Santino?

  You do, yeah.

• 1:17:14Speaker 06

  Oh, for sure.

• 1:17:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, to just to crack the ice.

• 1:17:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:16Speaker 06

  Like Richmond, you know, and then 20 minutes passed and everyone's like, and then you go into your act and they're like, no.

• 1:17:22Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no.

• 1:17:22Speaker 06

  Talk more about the beach, stupid.

• 1:17:24Andrew Santino?

  Richmond, we, we like the Richmond stuff.

• 1:17:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, the Richmond stuff was solid. Go back to that.

• 1:17:28Andrew Santino?

  Do you get, do you get, do you feel this now, cause you're on the road so much with the call and response of the, the crowd work world that's kind of engulfed stand-up? Do you feel like people are chatty or now at your shows than ever?

• 1:17:37Speaker 06

  I think that, um, I'm really lucky, cause my fandom is kind of formed from like, there's a real core of Doug Stanhope in there. So a lot of those people started coming a couple of years ago. Those people are like, they're great comedy.

• 1:17:51Andrew Santino?

  They love comedy.

• 1:17:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they're comedy fans.

• 1:17:53Speaker 06

  And then also I have a real young demo for some reason.

• 1:17:57Andrew Santino?

  What are we talking, like 22 to 25?

• 1:17:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, like young dudes.

• 1:17:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:59Speaker 06

  Um, and those guys, a lot of the people who come to my shows, they tell me at the merch line, they're like, I've never been to a comedy show before. This is my first time.

• 1:18:07Andrew Santino?

  That's cool.

• 1:18:07Speaker 06

  So like, they're kind of sitting there like processing it. So I don't get a lot of rowdies. I get a lot of guys who got too stoned for the first time in like three years, cause them and the boys got back together. There's just all these pods of dudes like.

• 1:18:19Andrew Santino?

  Just freaking the fuck out.

• 1:18:20Speaker 06

  And then I love going and be like, how fucked up are you? How high are you, huh? You dusted off your spurs for tonight, cowboy? You're fucked up, man.

• 1:18:27Andrew Santino?

  I'm on a hundred milligrams, dude, I can't breathe.

• 1:18:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's like, what's the worst thing that could happen right now? I talk to you for 10 more minutes and they're like, ah. So I, I, I don't really get a lot of hell raisers.

• 1:18:36Andrew Santino?

  Thank God.

• 1:18:36Speaker 06

  Hmm.

• 1:18:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's nice. I think we've done a lot, a good enough job about avoiding it, because I don't do crowd work.

• 1:18:43Speaker 06

  I'm in the crowd. I'm, I'm improvising. I couldn't be less by the book.

• 1:18:46Andrew Santino?

  I, I can't do it.

• 1:18:47Speaker 06

  You don't can't? You're so funny, you're so good off the hook.

• 1:18:50Andrew Santino?

  I just think like the crowd work thing gives me a, I am off the hook, dude.

• 1:18:53Speaker 06

  No, but I didn't mean to say off the hook. I mean, so funny, off the cuff.

• 1:18:56Andrew Santino?

  Off the cuff. No, but I think crowd work gets me a little anxious. I, I wanna talk a very small amount anymore. I don't know. I, I, it, it shifted into my older years when I was young, I loved it. And then because it became such like a, a thing of stand-up.

• 1:19:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:19:07Andrew Santino?

  I started to go away from it. I don't know why, and I was like, I don't really wanna. Why? Cause I, I feel like everyone was doing it. And I was like, it'd just be nice if I don't do it.

• 1:19:16Speaker 06

  Dude, I was such a crowd work guy. And then like, uh, when everyone started doing it, it was like hacky and embarrassing. I wrote like two hours of material over 18 months. I was like so, cause I didn't want people to be like, oh, this guy's a hack who can't do the job. Even though I've been doing it for fucking 20 years. It's like, I'm bored with the job after doing it so long. So now I'd much rather improvise and make this a night that you guys only get once.

• 1:19:39Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:19:39Speaker 06

  But due to the fact that all these fucking jagoffs are online, being like, where do you work? Okay, but like, do you, do you work with, uh, any Cambodians there?

• 1:19:50Speaker 06

  Laos? Vietnamese? Oh, and then, you know, it's like, they're just waiting to set up their piece of shit bit.

• 1:19:57Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 1:19:57Speaker 06

  Is fake crowd work?

• 1:19:58Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 1:19:59Speaker 06

  It makes me so mad.

• 1:20:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:00Speaker 06

  Like, I, I really take stand-up seriously.

• 1:20:03Andrew Santino?

  Pre-written freestyles, you're like, oh no, he wrote this whole thing.

• 1:20:06Speaker 06

  It's so upsetting.

• 1:20:07Andrew Santino?

  That became a thing, I'm a, I was a hip-hop kid. And so when I started, when I could tell the difference around 12 or 13, when guys were setting up freestyles with shit they already wrote, I was like, wait, what the fuck? And it became the standard, industry standard.

• 1:20:20Speaker 06

  Right, yeah.

• 1:20:20Andrew Santino?

  They're like, kick a freestyle. And they would just do a written piece and you were like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. It used to be raw and kind of sloppy and a little shitty.

• 1:20:29Speaker 06

  Right, it was bad.

• 1:20:30Andrew Santino?

  It was good though. But that's what it was so good about it, that you were like, oh, this is, this is fucking fantastic. Then came the world of like, go on, uh.

• 1:20:37Speaker 06

  Sway.

• 1:20:37Andrew Santino?

  Go on Sway and kick a fucking five minute that's, you already wrote and you're like.

• 1:20:40Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:20:41Andrew Santino?

  Right, this is great. But it's a, it's a piece that you get.

• 1:20:43Speaker 06

  Music's changing.

• 1:20:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's putting in four other songs.

• 1:20:47Speaker 06

  Right, yeah.

• 1:20:47Andrew Santino?

  Oh no, it's a Pharoah Monch beat now that's on this now for you.

• 1:20:50Speaker 06

  Yeah. Did you freestyle?

• 1:20:52Andrew Santino?

  A little when I was a kid.

• 1:20:52Speaker 06

  I went RaZelle. When everyone was freestyling back then, I tried to be the beatbox guy.

• 1:20:56Andrew Santino?

  Love.

• 1:20:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, but I'm not a, I was a fucking white kid from a town of 800 that loves rodeo. I wasn't a beatbox maven.

• 1:21:02Andrew Santino?

  That's who beatboxes.

• 1:21:04Speaker 06

  Dude, maybe. RaZelle was like real. Remember, if your mother only knew.

• 1:21:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he was so good, dude.

• 1:21:12Speaker 06

  And I'm there like, you know, it's like a.

• 1:21:15Speaker 06

  It was like I was a jug band.

• 1:21:16Andrew Santino?

  Those Iowa farm fairs where you're doing tapping and all that shit? It does kill, by the way.

• 1:21:21Speaker 06

  Playing spoons, yeah. It's awesome.

• 1:21:23Andrew Santino?

  What's, what's the one, jigging, jigging? Isn't that what's, yeah, you see the guys doing jig competitions online? Yeah. And it's really impressive to watch though.

• 1:21:29Speaker 06

  It's great, I mean, it's folklore.

• 1:21:30Andrew Santino?

  I love it because it's always a fat guy.

• 1:21:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:21:32Andrew Santino?

  That's my favorite. That I'm like, it's never like a, uh, an in shape guy trying to do it. It's always a pudgy fuck and he's killing, dude. Yeah, he's ripping.

• 1:21:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, and he has like a.

• 1:21:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, whatever that fucking thing is, yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:47Andrew Santino?

  Whatever that fucking thing is.

• 1:21:48Speaker 06

  Yeah, then the mayor comes up and gives him the key to the holler.

• 1:21:52Speaker 06

  You saved democracy.

• 1:21:55Andrew Santino?

  We'll name the water tower after you now.

• 1:21:57Speaker 06

  The unpoisoned one. Dude, I saw a scary guy today. Sorry, I saw a really scary guy. I just remembered it. Dude, uh, we were driving over here and we turned onto the road that's right out there, like before you turn left. And there was a dude who, uh, looked exactly like the Riddler. He was just like a guy with like shellacked hair. And you know when you like, have those moments where you're like, oh, I just saw a complete like break in the simulation? Like, that guy shouldn't be. That guy's never existed. There's no person like that. And he was like, walking in this insane way with his posture and his hair looked fake. And he looked at me and went.

• 1:22:30Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I love that guy.

• 1:22:31Speaker 06

  In the car window, like, he looked right into me like he was programmed to be like, scare me. And I, I, it was fucked up, dude. I told Jake, I was like, that guy's a freak and he just spotted me and now I'm gonna die today.

• 1:22:42Andrew Santino?

  Did Jake see him as well?

• 1:22:43Speaker 06

  No, he was driving.

• 1:22:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's like, I'm sorry, man.

• 1:22:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, he's like, sorry, I'm doing something that keeps us alive right now.

• 1:22:49Andrew Santino?

  We have a cast of characters around here. We have the roller, the roller skater, which we love the roller skater.

• 1:22:52Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:22:53Andrew Santino?

  He roller skates every day. He does probably, what I have done some of the side math to be about 10 to 12 miles a day.

• 1:22:59Speaker 06

  If this guy that I saw was on roller skates, I would've gone to the police department.

• 1:23:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:03Speaker 06

  It would've only heightened my terror.

• 1:23:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but they would've been like, come on, man, that's Steve, leave him alone. He's homeless, he's, he hasn't done anything yet.

• 1:23:09Speaker 06

  It's like that guy who has one eye headaches. What's up with this block?

• 1:23:13Andrew Santino?

  Fucking pussy.

• 1:23:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we have the roller skater, we have, um, we have the lady who yells, who used to sit at the bus stop there. She's not there anymore, which I do miss, because I do like the, I do like the yelling at the wind. I do kind of, it's kind of nice to have one around.

• 1:23:25Speaker 06

  Around anymore, you're like, oh, she's probably dead.

• 1:23:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, she's gotta be dead.

• 1:23:28Speaker 06

  She was like a minor hassle and now.

• 1:23:30Andrew Santino?

  She moved to another bench perhaps.

• 1:23:31Speaker 06

  I hope so.

• 1:23:32Andrew Santino?

  She did find a new bench. We had a woman who used to live at the end of our block in her van. And, uh, when we moved into the neighborhood, someone was like, hey, man, there's a woman who lives in her van. She goes to a job or something during the day and then she sleeps in the van at night and she's very nice and doesn't bother anybody, just letting you know. And I was like.

• 1:23:47Speaker 06

  You might think she's a hopeless drifter. She's actually our neighbor.

• 1:23:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. She's actually the president of Warner Brothers. I don't know if you know that.

• 1:23:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:54Andrew Santino?

  But I was like, oh, okay. And they were just being sweet about it. They were like, we leave her alone, she's harmless, she doesn't bother anybody.

• 1:23:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:59Andrew Santino?

  She's very nice. And that's that. I'm like, okay, great. So a year goes by. I see her all the time. She occasionally waves, but she's a little shy.

• 1:24:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:24:08Andrew Santino?

  And.

• 1:24:08Speaker 06

  Van people aren't the most open.

• 1:24:09Andrew Santino?

  No, but she's very, she's nice when you do see her, she gives you a little smirk. And then one day, no more van. And my wife says to me, did you notice? And I was like, I did. The van hasn't been around for like a couple, like something's going on. And your initial thought is, something bad happened.

• 1:24:24Speaker 06

  The Kuzo founder.

• 1:24:25Andrew Santino?

  Let me tell you something, dude. Three blocks over.

• 1:24:28Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:24:28Andrew Santino?

  She moved.

• 1:24:28Speaker 06

  Oh, good.

• 1:24:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but I'm a little annoyed. Why did you leave our block?

• 1:24:32Speaker 06

  Goes through the beach.

• 1:24:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I, I, yeah, we're, we're 30 miles from the beach.

• 1:24:35Speaker 06

  Uh huh.

• 1:24:36Andrew Santino?

  But I'm like, what is, I almost wanted to tap on the window and be like, what, why?

• 1:24:39Speaker 06

  Hey, is this, is this good or bad?

• 1:24:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:41Speaker 06

  Is this a step forward or are you regressing?

• 1:24:43Andrew Santino?

  I thought we were cool over here. I thought we lost the van lady.

• 1:24:46Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:24:46Andrew Santino?

  But she was a sweet, sweet woman that lived on the block and now she's no, no longer there. And now I'm a little disappointed in her, in her move.

• 1:24:52Speaker 06

  Maybe it was you.

• 1:24:53Andrew Santino?

  Could've been, yeah, yeah. I did, I did give her a whirlie bird one morning, I just pulled.

• 1:24:58Speaker 06

  The Whirlie Bird where you swing your penis around like a helicopter?

• 1:25:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's the Whirlie Bird. Yeah, that's the Whirlie Bird.

• 1:25:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:25:02Andrew Santino?

  Come on dude, you know that.

• 1:25:03Speaker 06

  We call it the helicopter.

• 1:25:04Andrew Santino?

  Oh, right, right, right.

• 1:25:05Speaker 06

  Regional dialects, you know.

• 1:25:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, pop soda, I get it, tomato, tomato. Is it pop or soda?

• 1:25:10Speaker 06

  I grew up with pop.

• 1:25:11Andrew Santino?

  It's pop, it's 100% pop. See, Denver has somehow adopted pieces of the Midwest because they are this Midwest-adjacent land in some weird way.

• 1:25:19Speaker 06

  Thank you for saying adjacent, because we're not Midwest.

• 1:25:20Andrew Santino?

  No, you're not.

• 1:25:21Speaker 06

  We're literally the

• 1:25:22Andrew Santino?

  You're the West.

• 1:25:23Speaker 06

  Mouth of the West.

• 1:25:23Andrew Santino?

  You're the West.

• 1:25:24Speaker 06

  Like, we're cowboy. We don't, we, and like, we, and I'm not saying we're all cow, I'm not saying that with pride, I'm saying that like, that is the culture.

• 1:25:30Andrew Santino?

  No, you are the West.

• 1:25:30Speaker 06

  Prospecters, it's cowboys, that's who, it's meatpacking plants.

• 1:25:35Andrew Santino?

  It's wonderful.

• 1:25:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's cool, but like, I never liked when we got taken into the Midwest.

• 1:25:39Andrew Santino?

  No, you're not one of us.

• 1:25:40Speaker 06

  Because if anything, we're actually the prairie states. Like, if you want to get real in the wind.

• 1:25:43Andrew Santino?

  You're the plains.

• 1:25:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:25:44Andrew Santino?

  You're the high plains. And we don't have any high plains.

• 1:25:46Speaker 06

  I'm from the high plains. I'm from 6,500 feet of like, fucking hay, dude.

• 1:25:49Andrew Santino?

  That's the real shit.

• 1:25:50Speaker 06

  Yeah, no, it couldn't be less Colorado. No one respects or thinks about my part of the state.

• 1:25:54Andrew Santino?

  See, I think that is very Colorado.

• 1:25:56Speaker 06

  That's nice of you, but, uh, you have connection to that part of the state.

• 1:26:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:00Speaker 06

  So like, you

• 1:26:00Andrew Santino?

  When I go out there, I'm like, this is fucking beautiful.

• 1:26:03Speaker 06

  Dude, Elizabeth was like, it was such hell. Like, I, like, 16 kids that I grew up with are dead.

• 1:26:09Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 1:26:10Speaker 06

  From overdose, or suicide, or violence, like, like, it was like a meth capital.

• 1:26:14Andrew Santino?

  Is there a reservation out that way, too?

• 1:26:16Speaker 06

  Uh, no, it's really tough to get a table.

• 1:26:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:18Speaker 06

  Now, no, that's, that's the southeast, that's the southwestern corner down around Durango.

• 1:26:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:23Speaker 06

  So we did not really have a lot of that.

• 1:26:25Andrew Santino?

  But it took, but 16 humans?

• 1:26:26Speaker 06

  We still got their history fucking shoved down our throat.

• 1:26:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, can they stop with that?

• 1:26:30Speaker 06

  I know a lot about Topaz.

• 1:26:31Andrew Santino?

  We get it.

• 1:26:31Speaker 06

  Yeah. My bad.

• 1:26:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we are, this podcast is on stolen land. I don't, I want, I should acknowledge that.

• 1:26:36Speaker 06

  You should have acknowledged that.

• 1:26:37Andrew Santino?

  I should have.

• 1:26:38Speaker 06

  It was a Hardee's last week, right?

• 1:26:39Andrew Santino?

  Uh, Arby's.

• 1:26:40Speaker 06

  Hardee's?

• 1:26:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Arby's.

• 1:26:42Speaker 06

  Wow, I apologize.

• 1:26:43Andrew Santino?

  Carl's Jr., Carl's Jr., they're one and the same, they're all owned by the same company.

• 1:26:46Speaker 06

  Yeah. Hardee's is its own thing, though. Hardee's is its own.

• 1:26:48Andrew Santino?

  Arby's is, yeah, but Arby's is sadly, we, rest in peace, it's gone from Sunset, they killed it. I miss you. Yeah, they took away an Arby's off Sunset, which I'll never, I'll never understand. We can't keep anything in Los Angeles.

• 1:26:59Speaker 06

  Where are you gonna get cold turnovers and hot shakes?

• 1:27:02Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, man, it sucks.

• 1:27:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, this country's over.

• 1:27:05Andrew Santino?

  This country's over, man.

• 1:27:06Speaker 06

  I know.

• 1:27:06Andrew Santino?

  It really is. God bless this country, man.

• 1:27:08Speaker 06

  That's why I just gotta get bullets and salt. That's all I need.

• 1:27:11Andrew Santino?

  That's all you need, dude. That's all you need. All right, I gotta go soon.

• 1:27:14Speaker 06

  Let me grab my book.

• 1:27:15Andrew Santino?

  I gotta get on the way, get your book, yeah, get your, get your book and give it to me.

• 1:27:20Andrew Santino?

  Don't, and, and McCon, don't, uh, don't say anything into the mic while he's gone, okay?

• 1:27:30Andrew Santino?

  Don't do it.

• 1:27:31Speaker 06

  Here you go, this is my new book.

• 1:27:33Andrew Santino?

  It's incredible.

• 1:27:33Speaker 06

  Thanks, man. It's about a hitman in Paris doing one last job.

• 1:27:37Andrew Santino?

  Brut, a novel.

• 1:27:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:27:39Andrew Santino?

  Uh, this is available everywhere. Uh, probably, most likely, you're gonna buy this on Amazon.

• 1:27:44Speaker 06

  You could buy it on Amazon?

• 1:27:45Andrew Santino?

  I, most likely, probably, people will buy this on Amazon.

• 1:27:47Speaker 06

  They will, because they'll get it two hours later. But if you want to keep books alive, go to your local bookstore.

• 1:27:51Andrew Santino?

  Go to your local bookstore, please, and go buy this right now.

• 1:27:53Speaker 06

  And the only reason, look, I'll tell you why people say local bookstore, because if you order one of mine, they're probably gonna order another copy, and it'll be on the shelves.

• 1:27:59Andrew Santino?

  That's huge.

• 1:27:59Speaker 06

  You know what I mean? So like, you're actually helping me.

• 1:28:01Andrew Santino?

  So don't be lazy, please go to a local bookstore.

• 1:28:04Speaker 06

  I'm competing with Mr. Beast and James Patterson, so please.

• 1:28:07Andrew Santino?

  Well, you need to make feastables, you need to make little snacks. Does this come with snacks on the inside?

• 1:28:10Speaker 06

  No, but it's scented.

• 1:28:12Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it is?

• 1:28:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. It smells like diarrhea, though. So that's kind of the issue.

• 1:28:16Andrew Santino?

  But it's young diarrhea, so it's baby diarrhea, it's not as bad as adult diarrhea.

• 1:28:18Speaker 06

  It's not a lot of processed foods.

• 1:28:20Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:28:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:28:21Andrew Santino?

  It's all natural shit.

• 1:28:21Speaker 06

  Soft, you know.

• 1:28:23Andrew Santino?

  You plant this in your garden.

• 1:28:24Speaker 06

  You could, yeah.

• 1:28:25Andrew Santino?

  Please go buy this book. Sam is one of the funniest people, I think, that's alive right now in stand-up.

• 1:28:29Speaker 06

  Oh, my God.

• 1:28:30Andrew Santino?

  You're very fucking funny and very cool, and I could talk to you for seven more hours. Um.

• 1:28:34Speaker 06

  You gotta get down to that sausage parlor.

• 1:28:36Andrew Santino?

  Well, I gotta go back to see Abe Froman.

• 1:28:38Speaker 06

  I get it, you gotta get back to Evergreen Park.

• 1:28:40Andrew Santino?

  Evergreen Park down there. You gotta go down there. You know those guys down there? That's my, every time my father talks to me about, my dad will talk to me about guys that he thinks I know. They all speak about people that you think they think you know.

• 1:28:51Speaker 06

  Oh, dude, this is such a fun old guy phenomenon, where it's like, you know Jeff. You know, his wife died 12 years ago?

• 1:28:57Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:28:57Speaker 06

  You're like, what?

• 1:28:58Andrew Santino?

  How would I know that? I don't know who that is.

• 1:28:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:29:00Andrew Santino?

  His brother, his brother used to work over off Halsted. You know his, you know his little brother, he came to your birthday when you were six.

• 1:29:07Speaker 06

  Uh-huh.

• 1:29:07Andrew Santino?

  He showed up, his mother's got a bad leg, they'll tell you these stories of, and you're like, I'm not connected to these people.

• 1:29:12Speaker 06

  And also, I know that the story ends, well, they're dead.

• 1:29:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, anyway, they died. They died.

• 1:29:18Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:29:18Andrew Santino?

  Go to your local bookstore and please buy this book. Uh, I'm reading this on the plane today, and I'm gonna text you the moment I'm done.

• 1:29:23Speaker 06

  Dude, I think you'll like it. It's, uh, it's exciting, it's propulsive.

• 1:29:26Andrew Santino?

  It's brute.

• 1:29:27Speaker 06

  It's sexual.

• 1:29:28Andrew Santino?

  It's Sam Tallent, you're the man. I appreciate you. Also, go see the man live. Uh, go support live comedy.

• 1:29:32Speaker 06

  samtallent.com.

• 1:29:33Andrew Santino?

  Uh, go to samtallent.com, go see him, go love him. We end the show the same way, you look into that camera and say one word or one phrase whenever you're ready to end the episode.

• 1:29:41Speaker 06

  Empathy.

• 1:29:43Andrew Santino?

  Beautiful.

• 1:29:44Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Who that creature in the ginger beard? Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

• 1:30:05Speaker 07

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 1:30:11Speaker 07

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid stand mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer this year, and make more than meals.