Ryan Sickler Has Been Through Some SH*T | Whiskey Ginger

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino sits down with comedian, podcaster, and storyteller Ryan Sickler for a hilarious and honest conversation about comedy, family, getting older, life on the road, and finding a way to laugh at all the ridiculous shit life throws at you. Ryan has made a career out of highlighting the lowlights, turning some of life's roughest moments into stories you can't help but laugh at. He's also the host of The HoneyDew and The Wayback, where great stories, terrible memories, and a whole lot of laughing are always on the menu. Check out Ryan's latest stand-up special, Live & Alive, streaming on YouTube: https://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo See Ryan live and check out upcoming tour dates: https://www.ryansickler.com/tour Follow Ryan Sickler: https://www.instagram.com/ryansickler Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #RyanSickler #LiveAndAlive ========================================= This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Get ready for big games, bigger Saturdays, and your most rewarding season ever. only on FanDuel. http://fanduel.com/whiskey TEMPO BY HOME CHEF GET 60% OFF YOUR FIRST BOX! http://tempomeals.com/santino Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by FanDuel. Whiskey Ginger fans, I am gonna be in Mesa, Arizona. October 18th, that's my birthday weekend, opening for Dave Chappelle at Sloan Park, where the Chicago Cubs spring train. Come out and see me, Mesa, Arizona, FedEx Metro area. Uh, come out and see your boy open for Dave Chappelle. October 18th, go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets, andrewsantino.com.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 0:31Speaker 02

  Oh, that creature in the ginger beard!

• 0:33Speaker 01

  Sturdy, ginger.

• 0:34Speaker 03

  Like peppers, the ginger gene is cursed.

• 0:37Speaker 04

  Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell no.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.

• 0:49Andrew Santino?

  You're an Adidas man, you should get an Adidas contract.

• 0:51Speaker 05

  I mean, if they fuck with you.

• 0:52Andrew Santino?

  I don't know why they don't sign you, you've always been an Adidas guy.

• 0:54Speaker 05

  I have, thank you for...

• 0:55Andrew Santino?

  You don't, you never deviate. I never see you rock anything.

• 0:58Speaker 05

  I have, I've just recently, seriously, in the past two years, bought a couple pairs of Nikes. Cause my feet are fucked. It's not the shoes.

• 1:05Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean, what's wrong with your feet?

• 1:06Speaker 05

  Well, I got a disease in my legs, so my feet are like crazy high arches and shit. And Adidas have a natural kinda high arch in them, so...

• 1:13Andrew Santino?

  Do they?

• 1:14Speaker 05

  But also, it comes from playing soccer all those years, where soccer shoes are Adidas, Puma, Diora. You know, so I wore those shoes for a while, and then they started developing, you know, also you had the shell toes, and then they started developing the running shoes and all that shit.

• 1:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:30Speaker 05

  So Adidas has just been solid, bro.

• 1:32Andrew Santino?

  You heard it Adidas, sponsor Sickler. Oh yeah, uh, in Germany. Have you heard of this Ryan Sickler? We're thinking about sponsoring him. He's a little bit tanner than we like, but...

• 1:47Andrew Santino?

  He's got a little bit more melanin than we prefer.

• 1:50Speaker 05

  I do, I probably do.

• 1:51Andrew Santino?

  For our athletes, whenever I see you, the tanner dude right now.

• 1:53Speaker 05

  What about your brother from Puma?

• 1:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:56Speaker 05

  What about your brother over at Puma?

• 1:58Andrew Santino?

  Why don't you call Puma, they really like a little bit of this color.

• 2:01Speaker 05

  You know that, I believe it's true.

• 2:02Andrew Santino?

  100%.

• 2:03Speaker 05

  One brother did Puma, like they split.

• 2:05Andrew Santino?

  They split, yeah, cause they got in an argument, yeah.

• 2:08Speaker 05

  That's so brotherly too.

• 2:10Andrew Santino?

  I'll open up my own shoe company!

• 2:12Speaker 05

  It's so brotherly, and then it's good, you know what I mean, it's good.

• 2:14Andrew Santino?

  But they're, but, it is funny, cause Puma did do well. You think your brother, you'd be like, "Yeah, good luck, bitch, yeah, we'll see."

• 2:20Speaker 05

  We'll see, you gonna start a whole new brand no one's ever heard of, okay, with a cat?

• 2:24Andrew Santino?

  Adidas is the king.

• 2:25Speaker 05

  Oh, no doubt, no doubt. Yeah, I'm tan, bro, I like to get out there.

• 2:28Andrew Santino?

  You're so tan.

• 2:29Speaker 05

  I walk, I walk out in the sun, I like to walk in the sun, I got a sunroof, bro.

• 2:32Andrew Santino?

  I'm like a little Japanese girl, I use an umbrella.

• 2:34Speaker 05

  It's a chee, it's my, uh, cheap way to get a tan, is my sunroof.

• 2:37Andrew Santino?

  Just walking?

• 2:38Speaker 05

  Just kiss through the sunroof, bro, yeah.

• 2:41Andrew Santino?

  Little smooch? He got mad at me, cause I talked about his car. I need to introduce, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth, they say it from my guest, but anybody wants to get today? It's the return of Ryan Sickler, the Tan God. The Tan God is here.

• 2:53Speaker 05

  The Tan God, I'll tell you.

• 2:54Andrew Santino?

  That's so funny, it was, someone asked me one time, they're like, "Oh, have you ever had a convertible? You live in California." I was like, "Dude, this is not convertible skin."

• 3:02Speaker 05

  Blow up and dust in a convertible.

• 3:04Andrew Santino?

  Convertible, convertible to me? No.

• 3:05Speaker 05

  Did you ever have a Jeep or anything top off?

• 3:07Andrew Santino?

  Dude, brother.

• 3:08Speaker 05

  Even in Chicago or anything?

• 3:09Andrew Santino?

  Most cars I ever owned didn't even have sunroofs, I was scared of that.

• 3:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:13Andrew Santino?

  I don't even need the reflective glass up there, I need full coverage.

• 3:16Speaker 05

  You know what, no fucking around, you see this red spot on my neck right here?

• 3:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 3:20Speaker 05

  Alright, it's newish.

• 3:22Andrew Santino?

  Uh oh.

• 3:22Speaker 05

  And after all that hospital bullshit, I had to get on new medications, and one day I notice it, and I'm like, "I wonder if that's a side effect of like, one of these medications." So I go to the dermatologist to get my, um, you know, melanoma checkup. And I go, "What is this, is that from medication?" She just smiling at me, she goes, "You know what that's from?" I go, "What?", and she goes, "Driving." I go, "Nuh uh." She goes, "That's the sun coming through the window."

• 3:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's funny.

• 3:47Speaker 05

  I said, she goes, "So many people don't even realize it." And I was like, "Just from all these years of driving?"

• 3:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 3:53Speaker 05

  She's like, "Mm-hmm, that sun just beating right through the fucking window on your neck." And I was like, "How about that?"

• 3:57Andrew Santino?

  Wow, I don't like to do the check down, I do the check, I'll, I go to the derm all the time. And then you stand there naked, and they always have like a, uh, what do they call them? Not an intern, but like someone that's going through the, that's trying to get their residency, you know?

• 4:10Speaker 05

  Their nephew or something.

• 4:11Andrew Santino?

  And they're always taking notes, yeah, it's just somebody's friend, "I'm babysitting, can you come in?" And they're just taking notes the whole time, silently.

• 4:18Speaker 05

  You go get melanoma?

• 4:20Andrew Santino?

  I get full body scans from a dermatologist.

• 4:22Speaker 05

  You do?

• 4:23Andrew Santino?

  Dude, look, look, look at me, I'm...

• 4:24Speaker 05

  That's great.

• 4:25Andrew Santino?

  I go every year I have to go.

• 4:27Speaker 05

  I had never done it, um, I didn't know we were supposed to... Well, that's not true, I, I didn't know we were supposed to go yearly. So this little guy on my cheek right here, this is non-cancerous, but it's like, I forget what she said it is. Almost like a barnacle that just grows on skin when you get older and shit, it's really what it is.

• 4:41Andrew Santino?

  Barnacles, so fuck.

• 4:42Speaker 05

  It's a fucking barnacle.

• 4:42Andrew Santino?

  You've been out in the sea too long, dawg.

• 4:44Speaker 05

  And I've seen it from a year ago on video, and I'm like, "Oh, it's gotten a little bigger." And she's like, "If you wanna come in, we can just burn it and blah, blah, blah." I'm like, "Well, we'll fucking see, maybe I'll grow some hair over it." But, my brother's brother-in-law, okay, his wife's husband.

• 4:58Andrew Santino?

  Wife's husband, yeah.

• 4:59Speaker 05

  In November...

• 5:00Andrew Santino?

  No, his wife's brother.

• 5:02Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm, his wife's brother, what did I say?

• 5:03Andrew Santino?

  Wife's husband?

• 5:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, you got it right. Wife's brother is driving on the freeway, and all of a sudden loses like, full control of his body. And he's able to like, get himself to the shoulder, and he said he sat for about 10 minutes, and his body sort of just reset. So he starts driving again, and almost immediately it happens again, he can barely get to the shoulder. He's able to call 911 in the car, they take him to the hospital, and they tell him, "Unfortunately, you've got melanoma and it has spread, and you've got like, not long at all."

• 5:37Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 5:38Speaker 05

  And I said, "What are you, I said, "What, when did he realize?" And he said, "Well, he had a, thought he had a pimple on his back for like, years." And I said, "Who thinks they have a pimple for years and doesn't go get it checked?" And that's what I said to my dermatologist, and not, no shade on the guy or anything, but she said, "You'd be surprised. Everyone's so fucking busy."

• 5:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, people just don't go.

• 5:59Speaker 05

  And they don't go, and I didn't know, I didn't know we were supposed to go yearly, that's what made me go. And she saw two on me she didn't like, she told me what she looked for, like different colors. Cuts them off, sends them away, I'm good. But what I didn't fucking know, and I was about to ask you, cause I was like, "Am I getting clowned right now?" She's like, "I have to check your rectum."

• 6:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 6:20Speaker 05

  And I'm like, "Wait, what?" Like, that's, we call that the spot where the sun doesn't shine.

• 6:27Speaker 05

  Why in the fuck do you need to look up my asshole? She goes, "It's just gonna be quick." I go, and I'm smiling at her, she knows I do comedy and stuff, I go, "Come on, right." And there is, there's a lady in the room with her.

• 6:37Andrew Santino?

  There's always a lady in the room with a notepad.

• 6:39Speaker 05

  Yeah. And I'm like, "For real?", she's like, "You gotta get up at the job, like, come on." She's like, "I'm, I'm not joking." And I go, "Alright," and she's like, "Okay." And I was like, "That was, but if you are supposed to check, was that a good check?"

• 6:54Andrew Santino?

  Uh-uh.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  Like, I'm thinking, "Get in there," you know what I mean, but, "Did you know that? That we can get melanoma?"

• 6:59Andrew Santino?

  I'll be honest with you, I've never, they've never, they've never checked.

• 7:04Andrew Santino?

  They've never checked.

• 7:04Speaker 05

  They never have!

• 7:05Andrew Santino?

  No, I do full body, and they've never checked.

• 7:07Speaker 05

  No one's ever spread your cheeks?

• 7:08Andrew Santino?

  No, brother.

• 7:09Speaker 05

  Bro, I always thought I was going to fucking intake it down in the fucking Twin Towers downtown. They were spreading me over there, bro.

• 7:16Andrew Santino?

  No, they never checked me.

• 7:17Speaker 05

  For real?

• 7:17Andrew Santino?

  She's asked me, "Do you have any unusual bumps or lumps in, in your groin or genital region?" She says that, "Do you have unusual bumps?"

• 7:24Speaker 05

  Who can fucking see their undercarriage, if it's under there?

• 7:27Andrew Santino?

  I think it's if you can feel something weird when you're washing.

• 7:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I can't see in my asshole, like, I would have to bend over, take photos, or call someone in. You know what I mean?

• 7:36Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 7:36Speaker 06

  It says rectal and anorectal melanoma are exceptionally rare.

• 7:41Andrew Santino?

  But, what? You had a, you had a very thorough, a thorough dermatologist.

• 7:46Speaker 05

  He didn't just say rare. There's a level of rareness, it's exceptionally...

• 7:51Speaker 06

  It says exceptionally rare.

• 7:53Andrew Santino?

  Do you ever, do you ever sun your perineum? That's what it is.

• 7:56Speaker 05

  No, but I want...

• 7:57Andrew Santino?

  Your leg over the head in the front yard, I know, get a little sun in there.

• 7:59Speaker 05

  I mean, I would honestly love to lay naked in privacy and just put my legs back over my... The other day, a dude said he did it on, I go, "Huh, he went on all fours, huh?", he goes, "Yeah, how would you do it?" I was like, "Pfft."

• 8:10Andrew Santino?

  Leg over the head.

• 8:11Speaker 05

  I'm rolling it back.

• 8:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 8:14Speaker 05

  I'm getting to all the ball bag, my fucking tank, my hole, all of it. I'll bet you it feels good, having a little laser sun on it.

• 8:21Andrew Santino?

  It's good for you.

• 8:22Speaker 05

  But having it like, microwaved for a little bit, I've never had that.

• 8:25Andrew Santino?

  Heat it up.

• 8:26Speaker 05

  I've never put a flame to my, you know what I mean, to my anus.

• 8:29Andrew Santino?

  No, but I do think they say, look up sunning your perineum, I suppose, or perineum or whatever, it's supposed to be okay for you.

• 8:35Speaker 05

  It's supposed to be okay?

• 8:36Andrew Santino?

  It's supposed to be alright.

• 8:39Andrew Santino?

  You got a little vitamin D in there.

• 8:41Speaker 05

  Hey, no way, cooking your fucking balls is healthy for you.

• 8:44Speaker 06

  Perineum sunning is a viral wellness practice that involves exposing the perineum to direct sunlight. Proponents claim it boosts energy and regulates hormone, but, medical professionals strongly advise against it.

• 8:55Andrew Santino?

  Imagine me putting suntan lotion in my asshole before I go out? I have to SPF my asshole before I...

• 9:00Speaker 05

  And then, you hear that, and then it's exceptionally...

• 9:03Andrew Santino?

  Exceptionally rare.

• 9:04Speaker 05

  So if I'm rolling, maybe it's a thing out here in LA, maybe there's enough...

• 9:07Andrew Santino?

  You have an exceptionally good doctor, that's all that is. That is a level...

• 9:10Speaker 05

  I've got an exceptionally cancer-free asshole.

• 9:12Andrew Santino?

  Well, we all know, you've had the other side of doctor where they don't, you know where they just, they're like, "I think that's fine." I had a guy...

• 9:20Speaker 05

  Fair enough.

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  I've told this story.

• 9:21Speaker 05

  I have people just dismiss me telling them I have medical issues that almost kill me, and this lady's like, "Just gonna check your butthole real quick."

• 9:28Andrew Santino?

  Shout out to her.

• 9:29Speaker 05

  And I was like, "Hey..."

• 9:30Andrew Santino?

  Doctor Butthole knows what she's doing.

• 9:31Speaker 05

  I didn't feel like this lady was lying to me.

• 9:33Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, no, no. It's not for her, she doesn't wanna do that. If you think she, you think she's getting a kick out of it, no.

• 9:38Speaker 05

  That's what I'm saying too, when I used to, our friends used to joke like, "I wanna be a guy in a college," and I'm like, "No, you don't."

• 9:43Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 9:44Speaker 05

  You're not seeing the best of the best, bro. You're seeing the worst at its worst. You're, they're there for help too, bro, you don't wanna see that.

• 9:52Andrew Santino?

  What is this? Uh, alright, let me just, uh...

• 9:56Speaker 05

  Girl with the notepad, can you come here and see what it is?

• 10:00Andrew Santino?

  You know, she's gonna do this check, instead of me, she's gonna do that. But I've had a doctor, I had a doctor in college, I found a lump on my testicle, I told this story. And I, um, got scared, I went to, I called my parents, I was scared, I told my dad, I said, you know, "I found a lump, it's really, it's legit, this has been like, a week now, it's not like, oh, you know, something I thought I felt, I felt it every day." So my dad was in a business trip and like made his way to Arizona. He said, we'll go to the doctor together. It's gonna be alright. We'll figure it out. We go to the doctor. We go to like a ragtag ASU doctor. I, my hand to God, my father's my proof. He's like, this could be anything. Could be a buildup of semen. Behind your ball. You could have, do you have a hot tub or access to a hot tub?

• 10:42Andrew Santino?

  I said, I mean, I do. We have a community hot tub in my apartment complex. He's like, or fill up your tub if you have a tub at home and masturbate a few times in the hot water with your testicles below the line of water. I'm not kidding. This was a doctor. My dad's, my dad heard all this.

• 10:57Speaker 05

  Teabag your balls.

• 10:58Andrew Santino?

  Teabagged my nuts. Keep the dick above the water.

• 11:01Speaker 05

  And shoot loads?

• 11:02Andrew Santino?

  And he said, masturbate in the tub and, and see if this helps me get some movement back there. So then of course, my dad's like, we need a second opinion. He's like, go do that, but we need a second. We go to another doctor. They check it out. They're like, oh.

• 11:13Speaker 05

  Dad, I'm doing that every night anyway. I'm promising. I found the fucking lump.

• 11:17Andrew Santino?

  I'm good. I said, I'm good. I've already been doing that. And then he, we go to another doctor and the doctor said, it's a cyst, but it's a, you know, they, they, um. What do you, what's the name? Why can't I think of it? They ultrasounded it. And they were like, no, no, this is benign. As long as there's no growth for the rest of your life, it can be there. And cysts come and go. So it gave me relief, but I told the doctor, I said, you know what the other doctor said? And the doctor was like, can you give me the name of this person? I was like, they're gonna get, what is it called? Like not, not barred. That's the.

• 11:44Speaker 05

  This barred, but yeah.

• 11:45Andrew Santino?

  Whatever that is for the medical.

• 11:47Speaker 05

  Fucking license. Yeah.

• 11:48Andrew Santino?

  And I was like, I'll tell you the office. I was like, get that guy fired for sure. He was telling people it's just jizz. I was like, I don't think.

• 11:54Speaker 05

  And specifically go in your tub and jack it out.

• 11:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. He goes, just, just get some movement going.

• 12:00Speaker 05

  We have the same, I have the same thing. I had the same thing in my ball.

• 12:03Andrew Santino?

  You had a cyst, yeah.

• 12:03Speaker 05

  I still have it.

• 12:04Andrew Santino?

  Which one? Right or left?

• 12:05Speaker 05

  Left.

• 12:06Andrew Santino?

  See, I'm a righty.

• 12:07Speaker 05

  And I felt it, this is probably like 2000 ish.

• 12:11Andrew Santino?

  Scared the shit out of you.

• 12:12Speaker 05

  Walking on Melrose back when that was a thing.

• 12:14Andrew Santino?

  Remember that?

• 12:15Speaker 05

  Yeah. Johnny Rockets with the bikes out there. Melrose was, in 2000, that was a spot on Sunday to go walk, shop, whatever, right?

• 12:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  And I feel this pain in my ball. I'm like, ooh, fuck. It hurt. It physically hurt. And, and I felt a lump. So I go to my doctor and he's like, yeah, I don't know. It's definitely something in there. I don't know what it is. Um, I go get an ultrasound also. I will never forget. It was the dumbest thing I could have said. I'm just laying there and she's, she like, I don't know how it worked for you, but she was very gentle with me. She folded a towel.

• 12:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 12:47Speaker 05

  She gently lifted my penis up, set it on there. Squirted the fucking cold, fucking blue gel all over my ball bags. She's rubbing it and then she puts the ultrasound on it. And I'm like, oh my God. And I'm thinking like, don't get, don't get hard here. Like.

• 13:04Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 13:05Speaker 05

  So I'm looking away.

• 13:06Andrew Santino?

  It is soft. It does feel nice.

• 13:07Speaker 05

  And then you're putting that wand on it. You're rubbing it and shit. I'm like, I'm.

• 13:10Andrew Santino?

  You suddenly you hear a heartbeat. You're like, wait, what? What's going on?

• 13:13Speaker 05

  Over there. And I go, what's that? And I see a monitor over here, but I'm not looking. I go, what's that over there? Is that my testicle? She goes, yeah. I fucking look over at that shit, Santino. I start gagging. I'm seeing my ball roll around. I'm like, oh, I'm feeling, oh, it was the worst shit.

• 13:28Andrew Santino?

  So gross.

• 13:28Speaker 05

  I could have ever fucking done. And she's making me squeeze to see it, cause it would light up red in there and stuff. And I was like, oh, oh, I can't. I was like, turn the monitor, turn the fucking monitor. But it ended up being a, a water like sack or something had just formed and it's in there. And I said, and then I, I, listen, I was scared, dude. I went and got, I'm not even kidding you. I got six opinions.

• 13:52Andrew Santino?

  Six? Two, I was out. I was like, I got the one I wanted. As long as I got the one I liked. I was like, I'm gone.

• 13:58Speaker 05

  I got another one at the top. So this one was at the bottom. Then I felt another. I'm like, well, if it's not a problem, why is there another one? So I went and got, and then finally got to a point where my doctor's like, I actually have a specialist here. And she came in. And what was it? She said, God, she said, even if my kids with, oh, whatever the, the, the cancer was.

• 14:18Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 14:18Speaker 05

  Had this, I wouldn't be worried about. I'm like, this could be that. She's like, no, no, no, you're okay. So I'm like, well, do I need surgery? And, and my doctor, I love my doctor. He's like, you could, but listen, there's millions of nerve endings in there. Okay. If you can just take ibuprofen and deal with it until it gets better, I would, because you could fuck up. They could fuck up your testicle. You could lose it ultimately. I was like, he's like, to make it worse. I'm like, we're good. We're good.

• 14:47Andrew Santino?

  No, no thanks.

• 14:47Speaker 05

  So now I'm into like the pain in there and I fucking, that's what I use. That's what I use to fucking get that extra torque, bro. Shoot it over my shoulder. 53 years old.

• 14:58Andrew Santino?

  That fuels that fire.

• 14:59Speaker 05

  Hit that W in that whiskey ginger right there. No problem. Long as you crank on it and hurt me.

• 15:03Andrew Santino?

  Don't push too hard.

• 15:04Speaker 05

  I'm down there doing it myself.

• 15:07Speaker 05

  I'm not even kidding you. I vice gripped that left one. I'm trying to get the right one involved too, but like the right one, I laugh, cause it's like, uh, it's like, if you even graze him, it's over for me. This motherfucker, you can just curb stop this motherfucker. So I'm trying to invite this guy to the party. You know what I mean? I'm trying to get him included. But if you just accidentally even hit him, it's, it's over. My night's over. But the left one, you can fuck me up all day long.

• 15:31Andrew Santino?

  Your right nut is like a sensitive friend. He just can't take a joke.

• 15:34Speaker 05

  My long guy, you know, and the party kids are living next to him over there like, you're all too loud, goddamn.

• 15:39Andrew Santino?

  You gotta kind of keep it down.

• 15:42Speaker 05

  But he's curious. He's looking in the windows. He wants to see what's going on over there. Yeah, exactly.

• 15:47Andrew Santino?

  Keep it down.

• 15:47Speaker 05

  I know he wants to come over. You know what I mean? I know he does.

• 15:51Andrew Santino?

  That changed me. It, that, that got my brain into, cause I knew a couple of, I knew two guys growing up.

• 15:57Andrew Santino?

  Who had to get one removed. Two. Two.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  Two guys that had to get one removed.

• 16:03Andrew Santino?

  Two. They could have made a new human with it. They each in their balls.

• 16:08Speaker 05

  What age?

• 16:09Andrew Santino?

  I knew one guy when we were, yeah, one guy when we were in high school and then one guy after college. Uh, and I know another guy, a mutual friend of ours that's out here, but I won't say his name, cause it's not anybody's business. But I know another adult who had it done. You, you know, you know him very, yeah, you know him very well.

• 16:24Speaker 05

  Even know that. Cause people been on the podcast that have said it and I forget.

• 16:27Andrew Santino?

  You know him well, but it's so funny.

• 16:29Speaker 05

  I wonder like if they put a necticle in it or something, you know what I mean?

• 16:32Andrew Santino?

  This is my first question to our friend.

• 16:33Speaker 05

  Or something in there.

• 16:34Andrew Santino?

  He did not put a, he did, they can do like a, they do like a prosthetic or something. He decided not to. He was like, nah, I don't fucking, I don't care. And he's like, no woman has ever gave, given a shit. It's never a, he's like, at first my ego was like a someone, a girl's gonna say something. And he's like, no woman would ever care, or if they did know, they still wouldn't give a fuck. It would never change their, do you know what I mean?

• 16:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:56Andrew Santino?

  They'd never be like, oh, I don't like the way that looks.

• 16:58Speaker 05

  I love everything about you. Guy's got half a ball, man.

• 17:00Andrew Santino?

  Half a ball.

• 17:04Speaker 05

  I love everything about you, man.

• 17:05Andrew Santino?

  Except.

• 17:06Speaker 05

  You got a half a ball, son.

• 17:07Andrew Santino?

  I would wanna put, I'd wanna put a fakey in it. Yeah, just for balance.

• 17:11Speaker 05

  I would just wanna move the one to the middle.

• 17:14Andrew Santino?

  Cyclops it?

• 17:16Speaker 05

  Just give him all the room. You know what I mean? Like, what are we doing?

• 17:19Andrew Santino?

  Well, it would be nice if it's, it's just, it's right below, right below the shaft.

• 17:22Speaker 05

  Blow the fucking wall out. Let's fucking open the kitchen up. You know what I'm saying?

• 17:26Andrew Santino?

  It's an open concept ball sack.

• 17:29Speaker 05

  It's an open concept ball sack with indoor, outdoor flow. You know what I mean?

• 17:33Andrew Santino?

  It's a one shaft, one ball. Um, it's a pretty good square footage. As you can see, they've renovated. Yeah. All right. But I had a, um, a two week, what, two weeks ago, a couple of weeks ago, I had a, uh, on my leg. I'd had it for years and they carve it out. The only bummer with the carve out, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't really hurt, but it leaves a crazy scar. I mean, they dig deep into your leg. Yeah. And she said it too. She was like, I'm just letting you know, this one's pretty deep. And I was like, no, it's okay, but they freeze it. You don't feel it. And then weeks later, you look at it in the mirror. Like now I look at it, it sucks. Cause it's a big, it's a gap, it's a big gash.

• 18:05Speaker 05

  It looks like you could have done it.

• 18:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Yeah. It looks like I did it.

• 18:08Speaker 05

  Every time I see it, I'm like, you do that yourself? Like with a butter knife? What the fuck are you doing at home?

• 18:12Andrew Santino?

  Like I scooped it out with an ice cream scoop. But also they, I put all that shit on it. You know, remember when, yeah, what's, um, Mederma? You know, to smooth scars?

• 18:22Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:22Andrew Santino?

  It's never worked once. No, it doesn't do shit. It's a great scam. Cause I've used it and it's still, at some point I quit using it, cause I was like, a scar is a scar. But the only call you want is when they call you and they go, you're fine. Don't worry about it. It's fine. It's good. You just, now you keep checking for stuff around the area, but you're fine.

• 18:39Speaker 05

  You should maybe remember this. Uh, one time in high school, I had a buddy named George Wilk and he was the, he was like the cra- he was the kid that stole his parents' car in seventh grade. And then picked up other kids in the neighborhood and would joyride.

• 18:50Andrew Santino?

  I love that guy.

• 18:51Speaker 05

  Not fucking kidding you.

• 18:52Andrew Santino?

  Was he a si- only child?

• 18:54Speaker 05

  No, he had a sister. We're just two of them. And she was a year or two older than us and she was just as crazy on the feminine side on her crew. So every now and then we would cross paths at a party and it would be, it'd be on and popping, you know? And she looked after all of us. We were two years younger, but she was like, you know, you guys are like my little brothers too. So her crew was pretty awesome. But he also would do shit like he, my brother, him and a few other guys, they drove every car like it was a fucking Ferrari. Didn't matter if it was a Toyota, they're fucking jumping it and everything else, right? Which I got into a little bit, but. George would do shit like on a three lane highway. There would be a car in the left lane, a car in the middle lane. Right lane's wide open.

• 19:38Speaker 05

  George splits the two cars.

• 19:40Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 19:41Speaker 05

  Santino. I would be screaming, screaming. We were driving back from, so we would get in fights. We played soccer everywhere across Maryland. We got in fights in every fucking league we were in. Indoor, we get in fights. So now we're playing in a league in Baltimore city at midnight. Okay. And fucking, DuBarnes Arena, Clarence DuBarnes Arena. And we're coming back at, I don't know, like 1:15, 1:20 in the morning, you know, games an hour. So freeway's not packed.

• 20:14Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 20:14Speaker 05

  And he split those, I'm, he's telling me he's gonna do it. I'm in the back. He's got other people in the car. I am screaming. I'm scared to death. After that, I was like, I'm never riding with you again. I think that was probably two years. I was like, I'm, to this day, I never got in that guy's car again. He's, he's still alive and well.

• 20:30Andrew Santino?

  He's kicking it?

• 20:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, he's kicking it. He was insane.

• 20:33Andrew Santino?

  We had, we all have, I had my buddy, my buddy, my buddy Baldino. Shout out to Baldino. One of my favorite people. Unbelievable with cars. Talent though. Would, I mean, he, he, he professionally rode, uh, uh, motocross. Like he was incredible. He would do, you know, he'd jump 50 feet in the air and do flips and shit. He was, but didn't even bother him. You know what I mean? Like that was nothing. So doing wild shit in a car. We're freaking out.

• 20:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:57Andrew Santino?

  He's seeing, he's seeing it like it's the fucking matrix.

• 20:59Speaker 05

  Yeah. George loved it. Laughing. He wasn't sweating like, hold on guys, white knuckling off. I'm pretty sure he was like this. Pretty sure he was just like this.

• 21:08Andrew Santino?

  In the back going, hand me that.

• 21:09Speaker 05

  Fucking ridiculous.

• 21:11Andrew Santino?

  Hand me that in the back there?

• 21:11Speaker 05

  Terrified.

• 21:12Andrew Santino?

  No thanks.

• 21:13Speaker 05

  Terrified.

• 21:13Andrew Santino?

  No, no, that freaks me out.

• 21:14Speaker 05

  Terrified.

• 21:15Andrew Santino?

  You know what I did yesterday that I always notice about California? We were driving, we drove down to San Diego. I see the motorcycles on my rearview. I always give them more room, you know? And they do this thing. They do that. Yeah, they always, they always give you like a thank you. And for some reason, it's like an ego stroke for me. I'm like, you got it, brother. As if I'm part of the, like I'm part of the group or something. It's so, it's so funny. Cause I always go as far, I'll go into the shoulder.

• 21:40Speaker 05

  It's code, bro. And it's been recognized and game recognized.

• 21:43Andrew Santino?

  When they do this, when they throw that peace sign down below, I go, yeah, just turn up music a little bit like, yeah, it's some of my boys out there.

• 21:53Andrew Santino?

  I love it, dude.

• 21:54Speaker 05

  Wait, have you ever had, this is the other thing too. Like a lot of people don't know, when you live here, you can split the lane on a fucking motorcycle. It says right on your license, it's not recommended, but it is legal.

• 22:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh, but, but.

• 22:06Speaker 05

  At your own risk.

• 22:07Andrew Santino?

  Correct. If you, if an accident happens and even though you're not at fault, you do assume risk. So if they split lanes and someone illegally changes lanes, it's still on the motorcyclist because you split the lane.

• 22:18Speaker 05

  It's, if you want to do it, you can do it.

• 22:20Andrew Santino?

  Ah, it freaks me out, dude. The way that people drive.

• 22:22Speaker 05

  I have my motorcycle license, so I'm been guilty of it a couple of times where I'm creeping a little too close to the line or whatever. Have you ever had one, um, beat down the side of your car?

• 22:32Andrew Santino?

  No, I've never had that. I, I get away from it.

• 22:34Speaker 05

  I've had it twice where I don't see it. And they, as they're going by, boom, boom, boom, they hit your car with their hand when they're going, because traffic's slow enough out here sometimes.

• 22:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 22:43Speaker 05

  It scares, I didn't know, I was like, what the fuck? I thought we were getting shot. I didn't know what the fuck it was. And I saw him go by and I was fine. I was like, that's my bad right there. But I was like, what is going on?

• 22:54Andrew Santino?

  I don't get anywhere near him. Well, still, you can look this up. I don't know if this is true, but in my whole life as a kid, all my uncles that had motorcycles, uh, nobody wore a helmet.

• 23:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:04Andrew Santino?

  And in Chicago, see if it's still illegal, still if it's illegal.

• 23:07Speaker 05

  Wisconsin, you don't have to have a helmet right now.

• 23:09Andrew Santino?

  Well, Wisconsin's a lawless state. That's not even a real place. You can have, you know, there's no limit to DUIs out there.

• 23:15Speaker 05

  What do you mean?

• 23:16Andrew Santino?

  Wisconsin has no.

• 23:17Speaker 05

  No three?

• 23:18Andrew Santino?

  No streak, three-strike law. No, look it up. He'll, he'll tell you. I swear to God, dude. There was a woman, there was a news story, a woman in Wisconsin had like 20 of them.

• 23:25Speaker 05

  That's crazy.

• 23:26Andrew Santino?

  And they were like, come on.

• 23:27Speaker 05

  And you can keep driving though?

• 23:28Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, brother. You get suspended.

• 23:30Speaker 05

  So you just pay.

• 23:30Andrew Santino?

  You get points and suspensions and then they'll give it to you back. Here, if you get three, you never drive again.

• 23:35Speaker 05

  Ever.

• 23:35Andrew Santino?

  In California.

• 23:36Speaker 06

  You just keep getting fines.

• 23:37Andrew Santino?

  Cause fines.

• 23:38Speaker 06

  Or you could get locked up. First offense is, you know, civil infraction, then the second and third are misdemeanors. Then they're all felonies, but you can get up to fine, but they don't.

• 23:47Andrew Santino?

  There's no roof.

• 23:48Speaker 06

  Get rid of your license.

• 23:49Andrew Santino?

  There's no ceiling.

• 23:50Speaker 06

  They just keep giving it back to license.

• 23:51Andrew Santino?

  What does it say in, in Illinois? Is, is it still legal to ride a motorcycle without a helmet?

• 23:55Speaker 06

  In Chicago, wearing a helmet is generally not required by law for adults.

• 23:59Andrew Santino?

  That's crazy, bro.

• 24:01Speaker 06

  Illinois is one of only three states without any universal motorcycle helmet law.

• 24:04Speaker 05

  Three? What are the other two?

• 24:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh, hold on, let's guess.

• 24:06Speaker 05

  Arizona.

• 24:07Andrew Santino?

  I was just gonna say Arizona or.

• 24:09Speaker 05

  And Wisconsin.

• 24:09Andrew Santino?

  Well, I would say.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  No.

• 24:12Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no.

• 24:12Speaker 05

  I'm gonna go like a Montana.

• 24:14Andrew Santino?

  Is Florida, you think Florida? Florida seems, because Texas, Mr. I'm Free Texas, Texas seems like it should be.

• 24:20Speaker 06

  You guys haven't said it yet.

• 24:21Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it's gotta be, it's gotta be either Dakotas.

• 24:23Speaker 06

  You're, it, it's surprising.

• 24:25Speaker 05

  Montana, no.

• 24:26Andrew Santino?

  Washington?

• 24:27Speaker 05

  It's surprising, you said, huh?

• 24:29Andrew Santino?

  Surprising. DC.

• 24:30Speaker 06

  Not like surprising, surprising, but I'm like.

• 24:31Andrew Santino?

  DC. At the limits of DC. I don't want anybody to have to wear a helmet when they're in DC.

• 24:38Speaker 06

  One Midwest and one New England.

• 24:41Andrew Santino?

  Indiana?

• 24:42Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  Vermont?

• 24:43Andrew Santino?

  Ohio.

• 24:43Speaker 05

  Connecticut.

• 24:44Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 24:44Andrew Santino?

  Maine, New Hampshire.

• 24:45Speaker 06

  New Hampshire's one.

• 24:46Andrew Santino?

  New Hampshire. Well, what is their phrase? It's live free or die, right? Live free or die.

• 24:51Speaker 06

  And also one of the forgotten states of the Midwest.

• 24:55Andrew Santino?

  Kansas.

• 24:56Speaker 05

  Indiana?

• 24:57Speaker 06

  Nope, nope.

• 24:58Andrew Santino?

  Naming all the, Missouri?

• 24:59Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 25:00Andrew Santino?

  Nebraska.

• 25:01Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 25:02Andrew Santino?

  Minnesota.

• 25:03Speaker 05

  Oklahoma.

• 25:04Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 25:05Andrew Santino?

  I don't count Oklahoma as the Midwest.

• 25:06Speaker 05

  No.

• 25:08Andrew Santino?

  Wait, it's either Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kansas, Kentucky?

• 25:12Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 25:12Andrew Santino?

  They're barely it. They kind of kiss the.

• 25:14Speaker 05

  Southern.

• 25:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is, but, but.

• 25:15Speaker 05

  Ohio, you said?

• 25:16Andrew Santino?

  We said Ohio. We said them all.

• 25:19Speaker 05

  Hold on.

• 25:19Andrew Santino?

  Michigan?

• 25:20Speaker 06

  No.

• 25:20Speaker 05

  Hold on.

• 25:21Andrew Santino?

  Wait. Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas.

• 25:29Speaker 06

  You're forgetting one.

• 25:31Andrew Santino?

  Minnesota.

• 25:32Speaker 06

  No.

• 25:33Speaker 05

  God damn.

• 25:34Andrew Santino?

  It's not Kentucky. Tennessee touches us. Indiana, Ohio.

• 25:39Andrew Santino?

  That's it, dude.

• 25:39Speaker 06

  Hawkeyes.

• 25:41Andrew Santino?

  Iowa. It's the forgotten state. It's the one I literally forgot. I even named tertiary states. I named Kentucky touches us and they're tertiary. I'm like, yeah, Western Kentucky is kind of Southern Illinois. And so is Tennessee. That's crazy. Iowa.

• 25:58Speaker 05

  Iowa, Illinois and New Hampshire.

• 26:00Speaker 06

  Yep.

• 26:00Speaker 05

  No helmets.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 26:05Andrew Santino?

  Welcome to your most rewarding season ever, only on FanDuel. How rewarding are we talking? More rewarding than a touchdown with time expiring. More rewarding than an 18-point comeback. Even more rewarding than an O lineman catching a touchdown. Shocks everywhere. I mean, come on. Everybody loves a big man touchdown. In this NFL season, that feeling doesn't stop on the field. Look out for the all-new FanDuel Rewards Club. Exclusive offers, surprises and more. So every week, check the FanDuel app to see what's waiting for you. More rewarding than watching a kicker make a game-saving tackle. Shout out Pat McAfee. Okay. That one is close. All right, it's close. Make this your most rewarding season ever with FanDuel.

• 26:48Andrew Santino?

  Visit FanDuel.com/Whiskey to get started today. 21-plus select states for Kansas, an affiliation with Kansas Star Casino. 18-plus DCWY gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MYRESSET, call 1-888-789-7777. Visit ccpg.org/chatConnecticut. Visit mdgamblinghelp.org. Maryland, visit gamblinghelplineMA.org. Call 800-327-5050. Massachusetts, call 1-877-8HOPENY. Texas, HOPENY, New York. Call 1-877-770-7867. Louisiana. There's something about this time of year makes me want to get my life together again. A new routine, better habits, actually eating like an adult. Fall is coming, ladies and germs. Tempo's been the easiest part of that reset, by the way. Two minutes and I've got a meal. No skipped lunches.

• 27:34Andrew Santino?

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• 28:18Andrew Santino?

  That's tempomeals.com/santino for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com/santino. Rules and restrictions may apply.

• 28:31Andrew Santino?

  Why Iowa? But Iowa, if you've ever been to Iowa, it is, it is long country roads and it's a lot of nothing for as far as you can see. Whenever we drove through the Midwest, my Christ, forever and ever of nothing. There's only something, the only place is boring to drive through, like distance-wise, is Texas. If you've ever done the length of Texas?

• 28:52Speaker 05

  I sure have.

• 28:53Andrew Santino?

  Brother, Nebraska.

• 28:54Speaker 05

  I saw the sun come up.

• 28:55Andrew Santino?

  And go down.

• 28:56Speaker 05

  Go down and come up again in Texas. I was like, get the fuck out of this goddamn state.

• 29:02Andrew Santino?

  You drove through Europe twice. Yeah, it's insane. I can't, no, I, I, but growing up, I, my uncles did. A bunch of them didn't wear, didn't wear helmets. And then they did, I think, I think a couple of them started to, but they just didn't care. It was never a thing. And I remember, when I moved out west, you only saw people with helmets. And I thought, ah, that's weird. I wonder why people have to, why people wear helmets out here. It's like, well.

• 29:25Speaker 05

  When I first moved here, the first time was 94 for college, and I think it was just around then when they were making you wear a helmet. It wasn't, you'd think this shit would be around since the eighties, like seat belts or something. It's not.

• 29:39Andrew Santino?

  Well, seatbelt laws, I'm sure. We talked about this one time. We talked about the, the guy who used to pick me up from school when I did your, the way back.

• 29:45Speaker 05

  We just talked about that yesterday.

• 29:46Andrew Santino?

  The guy picked me up from school, we would just sit in the back.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  It was an old couple.

• 29:49Andrew Santino?

  It was an old couple.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  Didn't have children, who lived in your building or neighborhood and decided, we're just gonna take random kids to school. And while they did, they ate full-on meals from Boston Market. I'll never fucking forget it, dude.

• 30:03Andrew Santino?

  And my mom was like, they were nice people. I'm like, who fed them?

• 30:07Speaker 05

  Who the fuck were they?

• 30:08Andrew Santino?

  My mother has no idea.

• 30:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, right. I'm saying.

• 30:10Andrew Santino?

  Just an old couple from the neighborhood. My mom put a nice sheen on it. She was like, he was retired. He worked for the building and it was with his wife. It's not weird if he's with his wife. I'm like, she could be his partner in crime.

• 30:22Speaker 05

  That's Ghislaine, right?

• 30:24Andrew Santino?

  That's Ghislaine, dog.

• 30:27Speaker 05

  Grandma Ghislaine over there. This fucking old couple.

• 30:29Andrew Santino?

  Now you kids take off your clothes back there. Get comfortable. Cause we were in the back of the, uh, station wagon. We'd be sitting in the open back. It was insane.

• 30:40Speaker 05

  And they're eating fucking mac and cheese and cornbread and shit, not giving anyone anything.

• 30:45Andrew Santino?

  Didn't give a fuck. Those are weird times. Well, also that, I didn't, we didn't, we don't, my family was bad for a long time with seat belts. I remember often people not wearing seat belts and then finally being like, guys, you have to put it on. It's like a thing now, where like culturally it became a thing. But I remember as a kid, I remember, I don't remember adults putting their seat belts on or yelling at us.

• 31:09Speaker 05

  No, it was always piling, the pile in.

• 31:12Andrew Santino?

  Just get in.

• 31:13Speaker 05

  Get in. There's eight of us in here. Go all the way to the back. You're fine. Lay in the hatch till we get there. It's 20 minutes. You're fine.

• 31:19Andrew Santino?

  And you know what?

• 31:23Andrew Santino?

  No one ever died.

• 31:24Speaker 05

  Here we are. I wouldn't say no one. I know some people that died.

• 31:29Andrew Santino?

  It happened. Wait, wait, hold on before we deep.

• 31:31Speaker 05

  No one ever died.

• 31:32Andrew Santino?

  No one ever died.

• 31:33Speaker 05

  They just made us have seatbelt laws.

• 31:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no one died. Don't worry about it. Uh, Buffalo, give me Buffalo before we forget.

• 31:39Speaker 05

  Wait, I wanna say this. I'm gonna give you the Buffalo story for sure, but I wanna tell you this one. So my mother was just, you know, long story short, my mother was a terrible mom. Like, split from the family, cheat on my dad, just physically, mentally, emotionally abusive.

• 31:53Andrew Santino?

  Beat you guys.

• 31:54Speaker 05

  Beat the fuck out of her. Just, and then abandoned us. Even after he died, she's like, yeah, whatever.

• 31:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 31:59Speaker 05

  So, just a shit person. So.

• 32:02Andrew Santino?

  Sorry, I'm sorry to laugh.

• 32:04Speaker 05

  It's good, bro.

• 32:04Andrew Santino?

  I'm sorry.

• 32:05Speaker 05

  And at the time, this one day, we're probably ten at the time, so she's still in the family. She's taking a girlfriend of hers and her two kids, and then me and my two brothers. So we got five kids, two adults, in a two-door Ford Escort. Okay, beige.

• 32:20Andrew Santino?

  I've been in that. I've been in, I've been in almost that exact same car.

• 32:24Speaker 05

  And we're going, we live in Maryland, and the outlets back in the day were a big deal. You save money at the outlets. And we're going to the Hanover, Pennsylvania outlets. It's probably maybe an hourish drive.

• 32:35Andrew Santino?

  They got a Tommy Hilfiger over there?

• 32:36Speaker 05

  Okay, not back then, bro. Tommy Hilfiger wasn't even out in age.

• 32:41Andrew Santino?

  That's all an outlet is now. All I see is, when I, when I pass an outlet, it's Tommy Hilfiger. That's all it is.

• 32:46Speaker 05

  It's all the same, every one of them. Yep, so.

• 32:50Speaker 05

  You got two adults up front.

• 32:52Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 32:53Speaker 05

  You've got me, my brother, her older son, who's like a year younger than us, but bigger. The three across the back, and then there's two in the well. The, the, it's not a real fucking, there's no seat. They're laying down back there. Okay?

• 33:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, their heads against the window.

• 33:09Speaker 05

  And one of them's complaining that it's, you know, they're banging around. So my mother's like, fine, then squeeze up here into this seat. And I'm like, I wanna put my seatbelt on. And she's, goes off on me about what a selfish piece of shit I am. For wanting to secure myself safely in this vehicle.

• 33:25Andrew Santino?

  Ryan's a pussy.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  When we gotta put four people across the seat now.

• 33:28Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:29Speaker 05

  So I don't buckle up. We're heading, we're heading out. We're just almost there, Andrew Santino. We're going west. This little boy comes out of a laundromat right here. He's probably ten years old. We're going west. He comes out here. He looks west. He looks the direction we're headed. Doesn't swivel that head to the left. Steps right out in front of my mother's car. My mother hits this kid, runs over.

• 33:57Andrew Santino?

  No. Holy shit.

• 34:02Speaker 05

  Killed him in front of everybody. No, I'm just joking, he didn't die.

• 34:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 34:07Speaker 05

  Just joking, he didn't die. Runs him over. The, but the boy comes out again, looks at the direction we're heading, doesn't swivel to the left. But as a driver, you're supposed to be prepared for shit like this. And he goes to run across the street, and my mother hits him, runs over him, right?

• 34:23Andrew Santino?

  Shut up.

• 34:24Speaker 05

  Slams on the brakes. She's screaming, her friend's screaming. The mother runs out of the laundromat. Now, what had happened was she told her son to go.

• 34:34Andrew Santino?

  Go get me cigarettes.

• 34:35Speaker 05

  A hundred percent, bro.

• 34:36Andrew Santino?

  I know it. I know it.

• 34:38Speaker 05

  That's exactly what it was.

• 34:39Andrew Santino?

  Go get me cigarettes.

• 34:41Speaker 05

  And then, he didn't look both ways. She saw it the whole way, from inside the laundromat, comes out and starts beating his ass. Cause she's also scared, you know, the whole thing. Everyone's on, a cop fucking comes up. And the boy, when I look back, the, the back window, I see him crawling, crawling back to the sidewalk. So what happened was, his head, his head hits the right quarter panel. She had a dent there. We used to always walk up. We used to walk outside to the car and look at my mom, just put our head right there. She's like, shut up, shut up. We'd just stare at her with our head in the dent that that boy's, the child's head. That child's skull made when she ran over him.

• 35:19Speaker 05

  So his head hits like this, and luckily, it throws him back. But it throws him back on his back, and then my mom runs over his legs. So he's, you know, fucking army crawling back to the curb, crying and shit. His mother comes out, start beating the shit out of him. She probably needed a cigarette too. He didn't make it to get the fucking cigarette. So now a cop comes to take the report. And the mom is just like, it's not this lady's fault. My son didn't, you know, she's going on and on and on.

• 35:46Andrew Santino?

  Protecting your mom.

• 35:47Speaker 05

  Protecting the mom.

• 35:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 35:48Speaker 05

  When she clearly could've fucking used a lawsuit from the State Farm Insurance, easy.

• 35:53Andrew Santino?

  Uh-huh.

• 35:54Speaker 05

  So, it's a, it's, everyone's shook, you know, and my brother and I are dicks. We're laughing. Cause the kids find out, like, oh, we're crawling, like, oh, you didn't zoom, oh. So the cop comes over and he's like, alright, he starts taking a report. He's like, was everybody back here wearing their seatbelt? And I said, actually, no, we weren't. I said, I wanted to put my seatbelt on, but my mom said that we had to get four across. And I was selfish for wanting to secure myself. And he's just looking at my mom, just looking at her, doing like the.

• 36:23Andrew Santino?

  Taking notes.

• 36:24Speaker 05

  He's like, ma'am, every once she's like, I know, I know. She's all fucking pissed. And then, I think he just broke a leg and had like a.

• 36:30Andrew Santino?

  That's it?

• 36:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's it. He got lucky. Broke one leg and had it like, his, he had stitches and a concussion, but he got fucking lucky. But we, we ran right over a kid. Packed car ran over his head.

• 36:41Andrew Santino?

  That's so terrible. I mean, hey, what was he doing in the road, man?

• 36:45Speaker 05

  His mom was sending him to get fucking cigarettes. Back when a child could go in a store and get your cigarettes.

• 36:50Andrew Santino?

  I bought my dad Winston's. I bought it multiple times. I go to the gas station.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  That's a cigarette. I don't even know if they, do they make Winston anymore?

• 36:55Andrew Santino?

  Look that up. I don't know. My dad, that's all he smoked was Winston's.

• 36:58Speaker 05

  Well, remember, that was back when NASCAR was allowed to have tobacco sponsors. We had Skoda cars and Winston cars. You don't have that shit anymore.

• 37:05Andrew Santino?

  What is it? Still made, huh?

• 37:07Speaker 05

  Is the Winston Cup still a thing, or did they change the name of that too, for some pussy shit?

• 37:12Andrew Santino?

  For some bitch shit.

• 37:13Speaker 05

  For some Liquid IV Cup.

• 37:14Andrew Santino?

  My uncle smoked, um, unfiltered Pall Malls.

• 37:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, dude.

• 37:19Andrew Santino?

  Pall Malls was, that was a cigarette of a veteran. You, it's almost like you had to be in the military to be able to get Pall Malls. Because I think they were military issued cigarettes. Weren't they, isn't that what they gave them, Pall Malls?

• 37:29Speaker 05

  Which one's Pall Malls?

• 37:30Andrew Santino?

  Pall Malls. I don't know why, but it was like, if you were a veteran, you smoked Pall Malls. But he smoked unfiltered, which I thought was wild. And then for years, you know you love cigarettes when you're rolling your own.

• 37:41Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 37:41Speaker 06

  They were just, they were a staple in military rations, along with Camel, Lucky Strikes, and Chesterfields.

• 37:46Andrew Santino?

  Camel.

• 37:47Speaker 05

  Chesterfields.

• 37:48Andrew Santino?

  Chesterfields, holy shit.

• 37:49Speaker 05

  That's why old dudes.

• 37:50Andrew Santino?

  Old dudes loved them, yeah, cause they're military cigarettes.

• 37:51Speaker 05

  Anytime I'd spend a night at a dude's house, and he's like, my dad was in the military. I'm like, is he gonna make breakfast? And they're like, yup. I don't know what it is about dudes that were in the military.

• 38:01Andrew Santino?

  Oh, bro.

• 38:01Speaker 05

  They make a great, they're up early.

• 38:03Andrew Santino?

  They're up early.

• 38:03Speaker 05

  And they make a killer breakfast.

• 38:05Andrew Santino?

  But they know they need to eat breakfast well, because they might not eat again for a long time.

• 38:08Speaker 05

  That's true too. They might die later. I don't wanna die on that.

• 38:11Andrew Santino?

  Make this my good last meal. Every breakfast is your last meal.

• 38:15Speaker 05

  The last supper, bro.

• 38:17Andrew Santino?

  What did it say? What do you said? It was what?

• 38:18Speaker 06

  I was just saying that Winston Cup stopped in two thousand and three. Nineteen seventy-one to two thousand and three.

• 38:24Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's prob.

• 38:25Speaker 05

  Cancer spiked.

• 38:26Andrew Santino?

  It was probably also because of economics. I'm sure Winston lost a lot of the market share. I think that was probably tough for them.

• 38:32Speaker 05

  Growing up on the East Coast, it was, if you smoked, it was basically Marlboro, either Reds or Lights. There was Camels. They used to have the Camel Cash back then too.

• 38:40Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:41Speaker 05

  And Marlboro did like.

• 38:42Andrew Santino?

  Miles.

• 38:42Speaker 05

  Miles, thank you.

• 38:43Andrew Santino?

  I collected them.

• 38:44Speaker 05

  And they had a fucking, you know.

• 38:46Andrew Santino?

  I had a Ziploc bag filled.

• 38:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, and you could get duffel bags and luggage and shit.

• 38:50Andrew Santino?

  Jackets. I had a Jack Marlboro jacket. Yeah, I wish I still kept that as a kid.

• 38:53Speaker 05

  Um, what are the other ones everybody would smoke? American Spirits floated in for a second.

• 39:00Andrew Santino?

  No, not for me. Parliament's was big. Parliament, Parliament became a thing, yeah.

• 39:04Speaker 05

  In Chicago?

• 39:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Parliament's. I know a lot of guys that smoked Parliament's.

• 39:07Speaker 05

  I never even heard of Parliament's or saw them till I got out here. It seems to be a very West Coast.

• 39:12Andrew Santino?

  P-Funks. No, in Chicago, people loved them.

• 39:14Speaker 05

  The why? Do you know why?

• 39:16Andrew Santino?

  Oh, the little cocaine, uh, alley there. The little cocaine filter.

• 39:19Speaker 05

  So I dated this black girl out here, and she would only smoke when she was drinking. And then one night, I see her. I go, what the fuck, what'd you just do over there? And she's like, oh, and I, it says right on the, the package, recessed filter.

• 39:31Andrew Santino?

  A recessed filter, yeah.

• 39:32Speaker 05

  And she's just doing a little bump. And I was like, that's why everybody smokes the motherfucking Parliament's out here. I had no idea.

• 39:40Andrew Santino?

  Have you ever seen that? Do you know about that?

• 39:41Speaker 05

  A little scoop.

• 39:42Andrew Santino?

  Parliament's had a recessed filter. The filter didn't go to the end of the cigarette. It was kinda like ducked in by like a, an eighth of an inch or something. So there was a little bit of room.

• 39:49Speaker 05

  I got a pack in my car right now for an audition, uh, that I'm using as a prop.

• 39:54Andrew Santino?

  You don't smoke.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  I'll show it to you when, when we get out of here.

• 39:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, show it to him. What do you do? You audition to be a guy who smokes?

• 39:59Speaker 05

  Well, I'm not auditioning to be a guy who smokes. They just say, in there I smoke, so. I got a pack of Parliament's. And then I went and bought some joints, cause I don't smoke cigarettes. I went and bought some joints that looked like a cigarette. And I pulled maybe five of the Parliament's out, so I'm gonna light what looks like a cigarette.

• 40:17Andrew Santino?

  That's a doob.

• 40:18Speaker 05

  That's a doob instead of a fucking.

• 40:20Andrew Santino?

  You know, I switch. I'm, I'm not smoking much anymore. I'm only consuming, eating and drinking. I like it. I think it's better. It's getting, it's making my cardio better again. Like, when I do, I, I like to row. And when I do the rowing, I was like, man, I think I probably should stop smoking, smoking. So now I'm eating and drinking. But I'm, the drinks I love.

• 40:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:39Andrew Santino?

  Drinks are probably my favorite. Like, after I work out in the morning or whatever, and if I, I have a drink like after breakfast, they're great, man.

• 40:45Speaker 05

  Give you a solid little.

• 40:46Andrew Santino?

  You coast for, I feel like you coast for a little bit.

• 40:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:50Andrew Santino?

  You get a nice, even.

• 40:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't wanna be fucking, like, I'm not, I don't dabs. These guys, you do dabs? I'm not, what the fuck are you talking? Dabs are way, that's, no.

• 40:59Andrew Santino?

  We're too old for that shit.

• 41:00Speaker 05

  I just wanna, I just want my shoulders to drop down.

• 41:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 41:03Speaker 05

  I just wanna let my hair down a little bit.

• 41:05Andrew Santino?

  I want the octave in my voice to just chill out a little bit.

• 41:08Speaker 05

  Alright, let me tell you Buffalo.

• 41:09Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah, tell me Buffalo.

• 41:10Speaker 05

  So I was at Bu, in Buffalo recently.

• 41:11Andrew Santino?

  I've been to Buffalo in a minute.

• 41:14Speaker 05

  I had never, this is my first time.

• 41:15Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 41:15Speaker 05

  I'd never even been up to Buffalo for comedy before, so I get up there. And um, I'm telling a story in my set now about drivers, the drivers that will pick us up. And I, and Segura and I will trade these stories because of all the people in comedy, and I mean all of them, from managers, bookers, club owners, sound guys, comedians themselves. For whatever reason, those fucking drivers seem to be the wildest wild cards.

• 41:41Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah.

• 41:42Speaker 05

  Of all, and they've got crazy.

• 41:43Andrew Santino?

  Crazy stories, yeah.

• 41:45Speaker 05

  And once they know they're getting you and that you're a comedian, they love the fucking, they loved.

• 41:51Andrew Santino?

  That's so, this is such inside baseball. It's so true. They're all like that.

• 41:54Speaker 05

  They love it. And this guy was picking me up at the airport in Kansas City at the time. And it's a long story I won't get into here, but the point of it is, I didn't realize it was a forty-five minute ride to the fucking club from their airport.

• 42:08Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:09Speaker 05

  And during the ride, he starts telling me that he had robbed banks. And that he robbed twelve banks with a crew, and he did ten years, and he's out now, and this is what he does.

• 42:20Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 42:21Speaker 05

  And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. And so, right away in my mind, I'm like, alright, well, there's a gun on him and one somewhere in the car.

• 42:27Andrew Santino?

  A hundred percent, yeah.

• 42:28Speaker 05

  No doubt. This is a bank rob.

• 42:30Andrew Santino?

  Absolutely.

• 42:31Speaker 05

  Definitely a fucking, two guns are in this car, and one of them is on his person.

• 42:34Andrew Santino?

  Right, one's underneath you.

• 42:35Speaker 05

  That's where my mind's at, it probably.

• 42:36Andrew Santino?

  Grab that gun underneath you real fast.

• 42:38Speaker 05

  In case I need to help him. There might be three. One here, one here for him, and back there in case.

• 42:44Andrew Santino?

  Ronnie, do me a favor, grab that gun under the seat.

• 42:45Speaker 05

  There's a nine underneath their seat, bro. It's loaded. Safety's off. Just start pulling the trigger. Squeak, just squeak.

• 42:51Andrew Santino?

  Aim, aim and pull, aim and pull.

• 42:53Speaker 05

  So after I tell the story, I just randomly, I'm like, has anybody in here ever been to prison? And I hear this voice over in the corner go, I have. And I just started laughing, and before I could see who it was or whatever, I've talked about this with Stavi before too, where um, like, I think the Baltimore accent is the first non-binary accent. Because you could hear this, hey hun, cross the street and get me some cigarettes and a scratch off. That could be Uncle Jack or Aunt Janice. You know what I'm saying? You don't fucking know who it is until you put eyes on that person, right? And I hear that accent, I'm like, this could go either way over here. I'm like, where are you?

• 43:36Speaker 05

  She goes, I'm over here. And I go, what's your name? She's like, Linda. I'm like, alright Linda. And I say that about the Baltimore accent, and I go, you went to prison. I go, not jail. I'm not talking about a couple days. I'm talking about prison. She goes, mhm. I go, what happened? What'd you go for? And she goes, assault and robbery. I go, damn, you? Assault and robbery? I go, what happened? She goes, I was drinking one night in this bar. I was real fucked up. And I walk out to my truck. I get in my truck and I decide, fuck it, I'm driving home.

• 44:10Speaker 05

  I start driving home. I'm about five minutes into my ride. Out of nowhere, this man pops up out of my backseat. And this is every woman's nightmare.

• 44:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  And I'm like, a dude is in the truck. She goes, yup. And he pops up, and she goes, I start screaming, and he starts screaming. She goes, next thing I know, he's grabbing my neck. I'm fucking, I'm punching him, I'm beating the shit. I'm like, you're winning? She goes, I'm winning.

• 44:35Speaker 05

  And she's like, still driving straight, holding it together, beating the shit out of this guy. He's losing. She goes, I pull over. Uh, and it's funny, because I go, where? She goes, on the thirty-three. And I was like, don't fucking talk to me like I drive these roads up here every goddamn day. And uh, but the next morning, I'm going to the airport and it's the thirty-three. It's a highway, bro. She pulls over on the highway and she fucking kicks the guy out.

• 45:00Andrew Santino?

  What the fuck?

• 45:00Speaker 05

  On the fucking street, shoulder of the fucking highway, and then she hauls ass home. I go, what the fuck happened? She goes, well, fifteen minutes later, the police are knocking at my door. I go, why? She goes, turns out, that wasn't my truck. I said, what are you fucking talking about? She said, dude, she said, my truck looked just like his. And I got in his truck, I go, but how? How did it unlock? How did it start? She goes, it's all newer and it's push start, and I had my keys on me, so I just assumed when I touched it, it unlocked. I got in, it fucking started. Or it was unlocked, she got in and it started.

• 45:43Andrew Santino?

  Sure, because he's in the car with the keys.

• 45:45Speaker 05

  She starts driving. This poor guy is shitfaced, doing the right thing.

• 45:51Andrew Santino?

  Taking a nap.

• 45:51Speaker 05

  He's sleeping it off in the back of his truck. She gets in, I go, so you're drinking and driving, both of you? She goes, yeah. And she said, he wakes up and starts screaming, because in his mind, he's like, who is this bitch?

• 46:04Andrew Santino?

  Robbing me.

• 46:05Speaker 05

  And she's like, who's this lunatic? And they both start duking it out, and he lost. He lost to the lady, dude. And she shoved him out of the car on the highway? And I go, what's the robbery? Because it's his car? She goes, yeah, because it was his car.

• 46:19Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 46:19Speaker 05

  I go, how long did you do for that? She goes, less than you think. I go, well, what was it? She goes, three years.

• 46:24Andrew Santino?

  Three years?

• 46:25Speaker 05

  I go, that's what I said. And she goes, well, I did have like four or five DUIs.

• 46:29Andrew Santino?

  Oh, okay, yeah, this wasn't her first go.

• 46:32Speaker 05

  I go, be honest with me. How similar were these trucks? And she goes, mine was red and his was blue.

• 46:40Speaker 05

  I said, well, there's your Buffalo Bill. Never in my life, this fucking bitch got, this poor guy, he's trying to do the right thing.

• 46:48Andrew Santino?

  Sleeping off.

• 46:48Speaker 05

  She's drinking and driving in his car.

• 46:51Andrew Santino?

  Beating your own car.

• 46:52Speaker 05

  By a woman.

• 46:53Andrew Santino?

  In your own car.

• 46:54Speaker 05

  And you're shitfaced, and you're losing too. You're at home. That's your home base. You should have a weapon or something, anything.

• 47:01Andrew Santino?

  That's amazing.

• 47:01Speaker 05

  That's fucking great, dude.

• 47:02Andrew Santino?

  Shout out Linda, we're out on Buffalo.

• 47:05Speaker 05

  Drinking and driving, did three, three years.

• 47:11Speaker 07

  Honey, that flu keeping you up? Yeah, I don't got this. You need Nyquil Intense Flu.

• 47:16Speaker 04

  Undo your flu symptoms with Nyquil Intense Flu. The nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best leave with a flu medicine. You do got this. Use as directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 47:25Andrew Santino?

  Do you do that bit on stage about the, the uh, that, that the Baltimore accent is?

• 47:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:31Andrew Santino?

  That is brilliant.

• 47:32Speaker 05

  I've started it now because of that.

• 47:33Andrew Santino?

  I couldn't even, as you said it, I was thinking, yeah, it's kinda, it's such a distinct.

• 47:38Speaker 05

  It's a, and it's also just, is it?

• 47:40Andrew Santino?

  But it's you guys. What's funny about Baltimore is, everything around Baltimore doesn't sound anything like Baltimore. Where like, even when you go to.

• 47:49Speaker 05

  But even Stavi and I put that accent on too, like, when he does Ronnie, I used to do Ronnie years ago too, all the radio stuff. Like, it's a, it's a known thing we all shit on, but it's a hundred percent of it.

• 48:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but that's what I'm saying is like.

• 48:02Speaker 05

  I took Larson one time, and he turned around, looked at me, and he goes, is he speaking English? I was laughing so hard. I go, yeah, bro. He says, ask you what you wanted to fucking eat.

• 48:10Andrew Santino?

  But like, all of New England kinda sounds like that Boston thing, like larceny. But you guys don't sound like anybody anywhere near you. Like, even, even when I go up to um, even Buffalo, sounds like the Midwest. They have a little bit of northern Midwest in them. But what's funny about Baltimore, when I know when I'm in that area, you can just tell right away someone's from Baltimore. It's so strange. I mean, I don't know what that is or what the.

• 48:32Speaker 05

  Philly and Baltimore, the Phillies got a bit of the same accent too.

• 48:34Andrew Santino?

  Philly a little bit, but Philly.

• 48:36Speaker 05

  Mid-Atlantic. I, I looked it up. It's a whole thing about the, you know, the English coming over and their Cockney accent, and it just gets, you know, raped and beaten down over time and turns into something like this.

• 48:48Andrew Santino?

  Like this. Like this.

• 48:50Speaker 05

  There's no TH.

• 48:52Andrew Santino?

  Like this.

• 48:52Speaker 05

  He's always yelling at us about this and that. And uh, here's another one. One of my favorites, it's silent, you don't hear it a lot. People will put a K on the end of a word, like everything. It's, you. My friend Shannon one time told my cousin, he goes, she told our grandmother on something we did, and he goes, you tell on everything we do. It's, it's burned in my head. And my buddy Kevin, I go, why do you fucking put the K on the end of everything? He goes, what do you mean? I go, you don't hear it, do you? He goes, no, and he doesn't. He goes, what, what do you guys, what do you think about everything? And I'm like, you don't hear the K you're hitting to closing it out with?

• 49:33Andrew Santino?

  Everything going on, yeah.

• 49:34Speaker 05

  Everything.

• 49:35Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's an easy throw, uh, yeah, maybe it's just like a.

• 49:37Speaker 05

  A K.

• 49:37Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's like, uh, what did I do a bit now about that Boston news story that I heard when I left my hotel, and Boston ads, like an R. Like coma. It was coma. Beat him into a coma. Beat him into a coma.

• 49:47Speaker 05

  Coma.

• 49:48Andrew Santino?

  And I was like, a coma? And it was like such a faint throwaway R, but they put it on stuff. It was very strange. I was like, is it coma? Like, it was a, by the way, it really made uh, made light of a coma. I mean, the story was horrific. And I say in the bit, the newscaster's like, on the North Shore, a house was robbed.

• 50:07Speaker 05

  Jesus.

• 50:07Andrew Santino?

  And they beat him into a coma. And then they were like, Celtics start up drafting next week. I mean, it was right to sports. It was like, sports right away. They didn't even skip a beat. There was no transition. It went right to sports. There was a guy got beat into a coma. And then right to the Celtics. It was insane. That's what, you know, that's the one thing I miss about back home is characters.

• 50:28Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 50:28Andrew Santino?

  You really do meet characters. Here you meet characters, but they're always whack. You know what the characters are here? That guy that's at every fucking Laker game, you know that weirdo? Look up old man at every Laker game. You know who the?

• 50:40Speaker 05

  Who is that guy?

• 50:40Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, but that's.

• 50:42Speaker 05

  Looks like he's about to melt in his fucking seat.

• 50:44Andrew Santino?

  He looks like he's gonna sleep.

• 50:46Speaker 05

  Who brings him to that thing?

• 50:47Speaker 06

  James Goldstein?

• 50:48Andrew Santino?

  Yes, exactly right, Goldstein.

• 50:50Speaker 05

  I hear, who is he though?

• 50:51Andrew Santino?

  But everyone at home knows, if you've seen this guy, he's been on, we'll show up a photo, Joe, yeah.

• 50:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I mean, who, what's he do? He looks like the dude from Poltergeist.

• 51:00Andrew Santino?

  Jimmy Goldstein, that's right. Was he, he was a music mogul or some shit? But this is the kinda guy.

• 51:05Speaker 05

  Forty's? This son of a bitch looks like a hundred and sixty.

• 51:07Andrew Santino?

  That's the character. I think he owns the house. Hey, I think he owns the house from uh, Big Lebowski, the um.

• 51:15Speaker 06

  Oh, like that mansion?

• 51:17Andrew Santino?

  Yes, why can't I think of the name of the, uh.

• 51:19Speaker 05

  Where the rug tied the room together?

• 51:22Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, no, no, no. Uh, Jackie Treehorn's house. I think that was his. You remember Jackie Treehorn's house?

• 51:27Speaker 06

  In Malibu?

• 51:27Andrew Santino?

  I thi- but it wasn't in Malibu. I think it's his house. Um, that might be incorrect.

• 51:32Speaker 06

  Yes, the residence has been featured in many TV shows. Charlie's Angel, The Big Lebowski, something like that.

• 51:36Andrew Santino?

  Right. So Jackie Treehorn's house wasn't in Malibu. It was actually that house, which I think is in the Hollywood Hills. But this guy, if I'm not wrong, I heard is a, was a music mogul or started a-

• 51:46Speaker 06

  She's Goldstein residence.

• 51:47Andrew Santino?

  What did he do? But right, that's the characters you meet on the west coast. They're like these kind of strange-

• 51:51Speaker 05

  I've never met that guy. You met him?

• 51:53Andrew Santino?

  No, but you know what I mean. Like, that's who our characters are. Where on the east coast, it's like, you know, this, his dad owned a, uh, his dad owned a factory and then his family did it. And, and it's like these old stories, like, yeah, his grandfather was in the mafia and he gave it to his buddy. His brother got shot in the face in front of the, and you have all these. This guy is just a what?

• 52:11Speaker 06

  It's interesting. Well, so he's from Wisconsin and then he was involved with the Milwaukee Hawks. He refuses to disclose his net worth or how he made his fortune. They speculate he made billions in real estate, notably in Central, Century City. But it was noted in Hollywood Reporter that he made his money in mobile home parks. By packaging groups of properties into investment vehicles and then suing municipalities.

• 52:34Andrew Santino?

  Oh, so he's suing the city?

• 52:37Speaker 05

  Setting them up and suing them.

• 52:40Andrew Santino?

  Just throwing his own clays in the air and hitting them.

• 52:42Speaker 05

  No wonder he don't wanna tell you how much he's got.

• 52:44Speaker 06

  City Attorney.

• 52:45Speaker 05

  City coming after that motherfucker.

• 52:47Speaker 06

  They refer to his tactics as litigation terrorism and accuse him of building his fortune on the backs of the most vulnerable people in society.

• 52:54Andrew Santino?

  Sweet guy.

• 52:55Speaker 06

  Spent millions to fight him.

• 52:57Andrew Santino?

  Litigation terrorism. So he sued the city, set him up to take him down. Meanwhile, making his fortune off of people that live in mobile homes.

• 53:03Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 53:05Andrew Santino?

  Really nice guy. Really solid guy.

• 53:08Speaker 05

  Like, I grew up working in my friend's, uh, dad's junkyard and those were characters. Like, the guys I miss like that. Like, uh, there was a guy named Richard, but we called him Turbo Lips. And listen, he talked like Twista rapped. Remember Twista?

• 53:26Andrew Santino?

  What are you talking about? Chicago's finest?

• 53:29Speaker 05

  That's how he would talk. He talked like-

• 53:30Andrew Santino?

  Can I say that make a video of a fucking-

• 53:31Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 53:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, come on, man.

• 53:32Speaker 05

  I, I mean, he would squint, you know what I mean? Like, what the fuck's he saying? And we would, whenever they'd say he was coming into the yard to get a part or something, we'd all go sit and just, he'd just be in there bullshitting with our friends there for thirty minutes and we'd be dying.

• 53:44Andrew Santino?

  Talking a million miles a minute.

• 53:45Speaker 05

  So fast.

• 53:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 53:46Speaker 05

  Like an auctioneer. And we're like, and we'd be like, Richard, how the fuck do you, how does your tongue do that, bro? We had another guy named, um, his name was John. And this is when I learned what cocaine was and what it did to you. So we're probably in like middle school. This guy comes in and Shannon's dad had been telling us like he's, he's kind of a fuck up. But again, when he says fuck up, like, you're a real fuck up.

• 54:11Andrew Santino?

  Not like, uh-

• 54:12Speaker 05

  We're at a junkyard where all these guys are maybe seventh, eighth grade graduates, tops.

• 54:17Andrew Santino?

  Max.

• 54:18Speaker 05

  They've all done time, but not for violent shit like grand theft or steal. It's all automotive shit. They've gone to jail, prison, whatever. And they're all older now and they can't get jobs. So they just, they're just part-polars. You know? And we're in eighth grade watching these grown men and they're, they're, they don't have any fucking filters. They don't give a fuck.

• 54:40Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 54:40Speaker 05

  This guy would drink all night. So he'd come in hungover and he'd come in late, but he was such a good salesman that they just would not fire. They're like,

• 54:48Andrew Santino?

  Can't.

• 54:49Speaker 05

  He'll be here for three hours and he'll fucking make it up. He will. They couldn't get rid of him. But he would come in, he'd be like, hey, guys, just like this. And then he'd go in his little trailer. Because we had trailers for offices. You had the main one here and then you had, this one was the miniature, all foreign, they called it. So he, so John just dealt with your Datsuns and Toyotas. He didn't deal with any of the American shit, just the foreign shit. And he would go in that trailer and five minutes later, he would, I'm the, I mean, he would kick that fucking door open. He'd be like, woo! And we were like, god damn! And he taught us about cocaine and we're like, that's what that fucking- He would fucking come out like, let's sell some cars! We're like, we're not selling cars. They're wrecked, you dumbass. We're selling parts.

• 55:33Speaker 05

  But he would sell the shit out of those fucking parts high on cocaine like a motherfucker.

• 55:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he could probably schmooze, man.

• 55:39Speaker 05

  It was so cro- like, I love the criminal element. It was so crooked there. It was so fucking crooked.

• 55:44Andrew Santino?

  But that's what junkyards are, right? Isn't that what the whole thing is?

• 55:47Speaker 05

  Well, you know, you'll take your fucking Porsche out there to a dealer. And if they don't have that fucking mirror.

• 55:53Andrew Santino?

  That's where they're gonna go get it.

• 55:54Speaker 05

  Or some people will call it Maryland. I don't know if you have this accent. You ever hear anybody call it a Miro?

• 55:58Andrew Santino?

  A mirror?

• 55:59Speaker 05

  Miro.

• 55:59Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't know a mirror.

• 56:00Speaker 05

  Like a minnow, but a Miro. You got a nice Miro? Um, I was looking at myself in the Miro over there. And, um,

• 56:10Speaker 05

  they, um-

• 56:10Andrew Santino?

  They'll fish at the yard.

• 56:12Speaker 05

  They would come in.

• 56:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 56:13Speaker 05

  And, and they would, so we didn't have computers, right?

• 56:16Andrew Santino?

  Didn't need it.

• 56:18Speaker 05

  What they had was an old school phone, desktop phone. But it was like a super walkie-talkie. And you'd pick it up and it would be, yeah, the other people had to have them, okay?

• 56:29Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 56:30Speaker 05

  So from Baltimore, we were able to contact Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania. So what you would do is you would get on the fucking, literally on a horn and be like, I'm looking for an eighty-five Chevette front bumper, eighty-five Chevette front bumper, eighty-five Chevette front bumper. I'm looking for a, you just keep saying it. And then sooner or later, somebody like, I got one. Where are you? I'm down in Roanoke. Ryan, get the truck, go down to Roanoke, get that bumper and bring it back up here. And I'm seventeen at the time. Yup. I'm just driving.

• 57:02Andrew Santino?

  What, do you know the markups? Do they tell you how much money those things are? They were making crazy money.

• 57:05Speaker 05

  Oh, crazy. And so the dealers coming in, they'll paint it, you know? It's a used part that they'll paint, make it look nice, but, I mean, we're selling that fucking thing for like a hundred dollars. You're, you're paying what, eight hundred dollars and shit? It's stupid. But the crooked shit, I used to, oh god, it was awesome. I miss it. I wish I could go back in time and do one of these runs one day 'cause now I know what's going on.

• 57:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 57:29Speaker 05

  But we would have these Guatemalan dudes come in. And, um, we had friends of ours that their car would just get stolen. And I, and I'd be like, why? You're like the third guy that's had his car, your parents had their car stolen this week. What I realize is they're sending it to the junkyard. Junkyard's paying them for it. Junkyard's gonna part it out, crush it completely. You ever see those trucks that drive their own? So my brother, uh, runs a salvage yard where he does that.

• 58:02Andrew Santino?

  Just flatten them.

• 58:03Speaker 05

  Flatten them. Then they take those and they put them in this fucking dumpster of lava. It's crazy. I wish, see if I can get a video of it. It is literal lava and it melts it all down. And then it spits them out into pallets, aluminum pallets. When it cools, you got stacks of aluminum pallets. And they go fucking sell those pallets and we pay forty dollars for razors and shit. Right?

• 58:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 05

  So they're bringing these cars in and every, now you can't, now the serial numbers are everywhere in those fucking cars. But we knew where all of them were. You pop off the, it was a little plate. Pop that plate off. So now the serial number's gone. It gets crushed. It goes to the Guatemalans. What happens after that? Ain't nobody, ain't my business. It ain't my fucking business. So we had friends' parents, you know, filing insurance claims, like, hey, my car was stolen. And then they go get a nice new car and shit. I didn't put that together till later. I'm like, oh. And then one day, uh, his name's Mr. Roy. He's still alive too. I just saw him recently. He would, um, he'd be like, Ryan, come with me.

• 59:07Speaker 05

  And he, we would drive together a few miles. We would go to this Walmart parking lot or Kmart, whatever the fuck it was back then. And, um, he'd be like, see that, um, Toyota over there? I go, yeah. He goes, keys are in it. Just drive it back to the yard. And then he would leave and go back to the yard and I would drive a car back to the yard. And, uh, about the fifth or sixth time doing that, I'm like, why the fuck are these cars always in the lot? Fucking keys are right here in the sun visor every fucking time they drop right into my lap. And then I realize I'm driving stolen fucking cars. Driving a shitload of stolen cars. They've already been reported as stolen. And I'm driving them back to have those disappear. And I was like, ah, that's what's going on. All right, all right.

• 59:52Speaker 05

  But I liked just involving kids without knowing anything.

• 59:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, oh, he didn't know any better. He didn't know any better.

• 59:57Speaker 05

  Sixteen years old telling a kid to go get in that car and drive it.

• 1:00:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you do it.

• 1:00:00Speaker 05

  I couldn't wait to drive it.

• 1:00:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:03Speaker 05

  And I loved to drive all different things. I learned how to do a three on the tree and stuff. I loved it. I fucking loved it.

• 1:00:09Andrew Santino?

  That's so fun.

• 1:00:10Speaker 05

  But it was crooked as shit.

• 1:00:10Andrew Santino?

  Aiding and abetting though.

• 1:00:11Speaker 05

  It was a hundred percent.

• 1:00:12Andrew Santino?

  You're in.

• 1:00:13Speaker 05

  We also had this guy, I talked about this in my, um, special Lefty Sun.

• 1:00:18Andrew Santino?

  Lefty's son special go out.

• 1:00:20Speaker 05

  Live and Alive is my newer one, but Lefty's son, I talk about this guy, he was a specialist. His name's Meso. He's this old fucking black dude. And he would come up like maybe twice a year. Okay, he'd come up for one full day and he was a fucking savant on rolling back odometers. Okay, he could roll back, remember early digital ones that looked like the alarm clock?

• 1:00:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:46Speaker 05

  In those like Chevys and.

• 1:00:47Andrew Santino?

  Did they used to use the drill bits to do that when they flipped them? No?

• 1:00:51Speaker 05

  This guy, I'm telling you dude, this is, it was awesome. We're in Mount Airy, Maryland, which is good hour or so from the city. Okay, where the, where the yard was and he's like, go down and get Meso and bring him up here. So I'm going like nine o'clock in the morning, I'm going into fucking Baltimore where.

• 1:01:08Andrew Santino?

  Real Baltimore.

• 1:01:09Speaker 05

  This color.

• 1:01:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:10Speaker 05

  This tan right here. And ain't tan enough for Baltimore. This is not tan enough for that fucking neighborhood, okay? And I gotta sit and wait for him in the car, right? One time I'm waiting, I go in this mall called Mondamin Mall. I walk, I swear to God, I walk in, the first guy I pass, I hear a white boy, I said. I got right the fuck out, I was like, I'm gonna sit in the street in the car. I'm waiting for him outside. This old dude comes out and I, he's got the fucking Kangol, uh, you know, hat on.

• 1:01:42Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:43Speaker 05

  And he's got an old school leather, remember those doctor bags when they would make house calls?

• 1:01:48Andrew Santino?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:01:48Speaker 05

  Tight alligator bag?

• 1:01:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:50Speaker 05

  That's what this guy's got.

• 1:01:50Andrew Santino?

  Good looking bag.

• 1:01:51Speaker 05

  It's what he had, that's it. We get in the car and we drive out, we talk a little bit or whatever, I'm, you know, asking him how he does all this shit and stuff. He's telling me or whatever. So then I drop him off at the yard and then I go about my day and at the end of the day, I take him.

• 1:02:08Andrew Santino?

  Back.

• 1:02:08Speaker 05

  Back. And I, I'll tell you, this, this is exactly what he fucking said too, this is fucking so ridiculous. So it's a, you know, skinny, black dude, um, and he's rolling them all back. I mean, you know, again, you think you're buying an engine with, uh, twenty-five thousand miles on it, that shit had.

• 1:02:26Andrew Santino?

  Two twenty-five.

• 1:02:27Speaker 05

  That shit had a hundred and forty-two thousand.

• 1:02:30Speaker 05

  It's been cleaned up and shit, you know what I mean?

• 1:02:33Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:34Speaker 05

  A lot of that going on, a lot, and you're making so much more money off that low mileage motor, man.

• 1:02:39Andrew Santino?

  Big time.

• 1:02:39Speaker 05

  That's low mileage. How's this yard have all these low mileage motors? We specialize in low mileage motors.

• 1:02:44Andrew Santino?

  That's what we do, we know what to buy.

• 1:02:45Speaker 05

  We, we, when they crash them early, we jump on. We ambulance chase. So, um, he's telling me how he does it with like the little screws and like how he'll get in there and just almost like a fucking, uh, watch guy. You know what I'm talking about? The way those little pieces are, they tinker with. So intricate. So intricate and back then, digital's new, so he even figured out how to go and reset those and shit.

• 1:03:08Andrew Santino?

  That was probably easier at the, in, in that day.

• 1:03:10Speaker 05

  Maybe.

• 1:03:10Andrew Santino?

  Cause it was brand new.

• 1:03:12Speaker 05

  And I just casually say, man, that's something. And then he does this, this, a whole bit about old black man wisdom and he just goes, I don't know this guy or anything, he goes, that ain't shit.

• 1:03:24Speaker 05

  He goes, you wanna know what something is? I go, yeah. Like anytime an old black dude wants to tell me anything, wisdom, I'm fucking listening.

• 1:03:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:32Speaker 05

  I'm always listening.

• 1:03:33Andrew Santino?

  You wanna hear what something is?

• 1:03:34Speaker 05

  And I was like, damn right, I wanna know what something is. And he goes, he goes, put your dick in your left hand. And I was like, what?

• 1:03:42Speaker 05

  He goes, put your dick in your left hand, I'm just looking at him, he goes, and you put your right one over it. And if you got anything still sticking out of the top, that's something. And then he got out of the car and I never saw Meso again for the rest of.

• 1:03:59Speaker 05

  It was a true story, dude.

• 1:04:01Andrew Santino?

  That's so good.

• 1:04:01Speaker 05

  If you, and you know damn well, I went home, I pulled all of my, I was pulled all of my skin back like, give me a little.

• 1:04:08Andrew Santino?

  Is that something? That's something. That's something.

• 1:04:11Speaker 05

  I might got a little something in it.

• 1:04:13Andrew Santino?

  What's his name, say his name again?

• 1:04:14Speaker 05

  Meso, M A S O, bro, he's probably long gone now.

• 1:04:17Andrew Santino?

  I hope he's around. Was he old then?

• 1:04:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, he's probably in his like sixties or so then, this is a good.

• 1:04:22Andrew Santino?

  I miss the days when there was scamming like, I mean, there's different scams now. Like, do you remember black boxes, the black cable rip offs? God, I loved black box, do you even know what that was? God, that was incredible, when you knew guys that could get you a black box.

• 1:04:35Speaker 05

  We had, um, Scientific Atlanta.

• 1:04:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:38Speaker 05

  And my dad came home one time, he's like, I'm gonna try this new thing out, the guys at work says, it's this thing in the paper where a guy's got one. I'm like, what is it? And he's like, it's a scrambler. And then we got the black box, but you would get every channel, everything on the scrambler. And then it would reset.

• 1:04:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:57Speaker 05

  Okay, listen, just, this is whatever, you know? I'm, I, I got, my, my money started coming in recently, okay? Not that long ago, when I was doing the Crab Feast podcast, I had illegal cable, I had illegal DirecTV. This dude came to set the DirecTV up and he goes, he starts talking to me.

• 1:05:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:20Speaker 05

  And I go, what's the pitch? And he goes, every fucking channel. I go, but what happens when they scramble it? He goes, you call me, I give you a new code. I go, get the fuck out of here.

• 1:05:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:30Speaker 05

  For two years.

• 1:05:31Andrew Santino?

  No shit.

• 1:05:32Speaker 05

  For two years, I had it, I paid him one time, he fucking, and then it was so funny, cause it would go out, but it'd last six months. Then it would go out, it'd be a minute before I'd get ahold of him, like a week.

• 1:05:44Andrew Santino?

  He'd give you a new code, yeah.

• 1:05:45Speaker 05

  Every time and it worked. And then one time, he goes, your box is broke. I go, alright, he goes, come meet me, I'll give you a new one. I go, get the fuck out of here. I go, where you wanna meet? And he's trying to tell me like where to meet around LAX and I go, any chance you're right near the Wild Goose? He goes, how do you know the Wild Goose? You remember that, there was a strip bar over there?

• 1:06:04Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 05

  The Wild Goose Two actually is what it was. And, uh, a friend of mine took me there one time and he, I'll never forget, this is a mother and daughter team, I was like, I ain't coming back to this fucking place.

• 1:06:14Andrew Santino?

  It's a one-two punch, kid.

• 1:06:15Speaker 05

  I ain't coming back to this fucking place. And, uh, he goes, how do you know the Wild Goose? I'm like, don't worry about how I know the Wild Goose, you wanna meet at the Wild Goose? So I meet him at the, just the parking lot, you know, he hands me the box and I'm gone. But for two years, I had it.

• 1:06:28Andrew Santino?

  He got you good.

• 1:06:29Speaker 05

  We had the black box, we also had, um,

• 1:06:33Speaker 05

  oh, what was the other one we would get to, the, um, where you could scramble or de-scramble like Spice TV, remember Spice?

• 1:06:42Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:43Speaker 05

  Spice Channel was called actually, yeah. But you could de-scramble that too with something, I forget what that was. Like Radio Shack shit.

• 1:06:50Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 1:06:51Speaker 05

  You know, I never got anything at Radio Shack, but that's where you could go to get the like that kinda shit.

• 1:06:56Andrew Santino?

  That kinda shit. God bless nerds, that's what it was.

• 1:06:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:58Andrew Santino?

  Nerds were like, nerds were like.

• 1:07:00Speaker 05

  Definitely figuring it out.

• 1:07:00Andrew Santino?

  Once things went tech, nerds were like, you wanna have, you wanna see porn? They were like, yeah, like we found a way to get you as much as you need.

• 1:07:06Speaker 05

  Yup.

• 1:07:07Andrew Santino?

  It was incredible, remember, uh, watching the, watching the TV rotate through, sometimes that would get a little unscrambled to get real close.

• 1:07:14Speaker 05

  Oh, and it would stick for like four seconds, you could see a titty right there, you're like, here we go. That's what we're all doing here, yeah.

• 1:07:22Andrew Santino?

  I always thought somebody was like at a data center somewhere and was fucking, you know what I mean? Just fucking with, be like, kids are gonna love this for a minute, watch, just for two minutes.

• 1:07:31Speaker 05

  You know, we still, we had a Scientific Atlanta box and then there was another one Comcast, we had too. And, but if you lived in that area, that's the cable you got.

• 1:07:41Andrew Santino?

  You got Comcast.

• 1:07:41Speaker 05

  So we all had the same box, like you go to your buddy's house, the same box, same controller. So one night, we're in middle school and we just start going and running around a neighborhood and we take our controller. And we just start going to other people's houses and we're sitting, you know, east coast, Midwest, you got a basement window that's right here and the basement's in the ground, but the window's right here.

• 1:08:03Andrew Santino?

  I loved it.

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  We're just laying right there, we are changing this guy's TV, he is going nuts. He is, we're like seventh grade, out there fucking pissing ourselves, but he's like, what the fuck? He's throwing a controller.

• 1:08:16Andrew Santino?

  God damn it, mercy ring!

• 1:08:17Speaker 05

  This is so good.

• 1:08:18Andrew Santino?

  The Panasonic's on the fridge!

• 1:08:21Speaker 05

  The Panasonic is definitely on the fridge, bro.

• 1:08:24Andrew Santino?

  Cause they're all universal remotes, you take them anywhere.

• 1:08:26Speaker 05

  It was the same thing anywhere you go, it's ever changed everybody's shit.

• 1:08:29Andrew Santino?

  You know what the funny thing was? This is how you know, this is a time period, you would go over to somebody's house and they'd have nine fucking remotes.

• 1:08:36Speaker 05

  No doubt.

• 1:08:36Andrew Santino?

  Nine of them.

• 1:08:37Speaker 05

  Yup.

• 1:08:37Andrew Santino?

  It would be the cable, the TV, the, the sound system if they, if they had an audio system to it. VCR. VCR, DVD player, they had nine fuck, and they go, not that, no, no, no, number two, no, no, no, it's that one, no.

• 1:08:48Speaker 05

  It should be labeled.

• 1:08:49Andrew Santino?

  Don't.

• 1:08:50Speaker 05

  Well, take the batteries out of the fucking VCR one and put them in the DVD so.

• 1:08:53Andrew Santino?

  It should be labeled. Well, I haven't had time to get new double ways.

• 1:08:57Speaker 05

  Remember they sold a controller caddy?

• 1:08:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:59Speaker 05

  Someone came up with a controller caddy, there were so many.

• 1:09:03Andrew Santino?

  So many fucking controllers, it was like a meal kit.

• 1:09:06Speaker 05

  It was so many, Meso should have carried him in that little bag, like, I got your controller, bro, right here, man, what do you wanna operate?

• 1:09:13Andrew Santino?

  The Meso, the, the year of the Meso, you need to write a story, a book.

• 1:09:17Speaker 05

  I wanna get one of those bags.

• 1:09:19Andrew Santino?

  You need to write a book about the year of the Meso.

• 1:09:21Speaker 05

  I could, the.

• 1:09:22Andrew Santino?

  That's just the junkyard.

• 1:09:23Speaker 05

  Criminal, the junkyard alone is great, but, uh, also here's one of the best things about it, we're, again, we are children.

• 1:09:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, everyone's underage, you're high school kids.

• 1:09:32Speaker 05

  Severely under, not even high school, we start in seventh grade, we start, so. In ninth grade, yeah, we're driving cars.

• 1:09:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:39Speaker 05

  But off road, so it was a big lot, acres and acres, and it was all dirt roads.

• 1:09:44Andrew Santino?

  It was owned by one family?

• 1:09:46Speaker 05

  Just, yup.

• 1:09:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:47Speaker 05

  My friend Shannon's dad, Mr. Roy Patterson, and he was like an idiot savant. Like, it's so funny to me that everyone's like, oh, you might be on the spectrum. Listen, we're all on the spectrum for something. If you're a baseball guy and you know all your stats, you fucking on the spectrum with that.

• 1:10:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:03Speaker 05

  He's definitely a car guy where he can tell you the fucking fender that'll, it'll be, oh, that's good for seventy-eight to eighty-two, like, they'll know it.

• 1:10:11Andrew Santino?

  That's wild to me.

• 1:10:12Speaker 05

  And then he would say, Ryan, just, you come in and you wanna fucking, you know, a deck lid off the back of this car. Ryan, go, go up to the main aisle, make a right, it's, it's about halfway down on your left.

• 1:10:23Andrew Santino?

  That he remembers where it is.

• 1:10:24Speaker 05

  Knew where all of it was.

• 1:10:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:25Speaker 05

  Never had any inventory, never had, just all here.

• 1:10:28Andrew Santino?

  That's beautiful.

• 1:10:29Speaker 05

  And his son now has a junkyard in Baltimore where I just shot, uh, that little junkyard series I did with my brother and my friends and that, and he's in the digital age.

• 1:10:38Andrew Santino?

  I would, again, I say, everything has gotta be scanned and beeped and accounted for and.

• 1:10:42Speaker 05

  No doubt, so.

• 1:10:44Andrew Santino?

  No scamming going on there.

• 1:10:45Speaker 05

  He's letting us drive. We all had a yard car and a yard car was anything that would run no matter how beat up it was. And again, you're fourteen, you don't give a fuck if that door is missing. You like it.

• 1:10:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:57Speaker 05

  You're just, I had a Delta eighty-eight, I had a fucking Nissan Pathfinder, I had all kinds of cars.

• 1:11:03Andrew Santino?

  And they were barely holding on these cars.

• 1:11:05Speaker 05

  They're, they're getting their yard cars. They're just meant to go around the yard and, you know, pick up parts and then come down. A guy needs a seat, I'm going up and getting it. But every now and then, these fucking rednecks will be like, I'll go up with you. I'm like, okay. And I laugh at it now, like, there's no fucking way, like, my age, getting in a car, the eighth grader, and he's taking me up on the fucking hill. Dude, I would drive grown ass men that had kids older than me to go get these parts and the things. So we all start driving like that and learned how to drive. So by the time we were sixteen, we've been driving up there for years.

• 1:11:40Andrew Santino?

  Were you doing, were you learning stick out in the yard? That's how you learned stick?

• 1:11:44Speaker 05

  Stick.

• 1:11:45Andrew Santino?

  What was the first car you learned stick on? Do you remember?

• 1:11:47Speaker 05

  My first car I truly learned, learn on, no, the, the yard cars were automatics.

• 1:11:52Andrew Santino?

  All of them?

• 1:11:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, it was too hard to drive for us, you know, those old dudes could do it. We, we weren't ready yet. I didn't really have my friction point fucking mastered yet, you know, I'm talking about my clutch gas.

• 1:12:02Andrew Santino?

  Not tons, I did too much come in there to touch something. Too built up.

• 1:12:07Speaker 05

  My dad had a Honda Civic, eighty-nine. So my brother, I have a twin brother, you know, so, um, we both took our test in that car in March with snow on the ground and it's a four-speed.

• 1:12:20Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit.

• 1:12:21Speaker 05

  And to this day, I wish my father was alive. Even my brother admits it. That motherfucker, he Hollywooded that stop sign at the end. He rolled through it. He slowly rolled through a stop sign. I'm standing next to my dad because I'm going next. He's doing the course now, I get to go next. My dad goes, he failed, he rolled that stop sign. I said, he sure did. Guy comes out and passed him. My dad goes, he rolled the stop sign.

• 1:12:44Andrew Santino?

  Snitching on him.

• 1:12:45Speaker 05

  And my brother even is like, I did roll that fucking stop. Like, how the fuck did this guy pass you? So I go, I only lost two points, I still passed, but my points, I'll, I'll remember them vividly. I parallel park, no problem, my little reverse, no, no cameras. I joke about that in my other special, how like my core and everything is so much softer.

• 1:13:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, now.

• 1:13:08Speaker 05

  You used to have to, yeah, you would step down hard here and push back and shit, you know? Now I just look at a camera. But, um, I didn't signal to pull out of my parking space to enter the flow of traffic.

• 1:13:21Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:13:21Speaker 05

  And as I did, because the snow was on the ground, I, I peel wheels a little bit on the ice.

• 1:13:27Andrew Santino?

  It's rear wheel drive, I bet, right?

• 1:13:28Speaker 05

  Front.

• 1:13:28Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it was front?

• 1:13:29Speaker 05

  It was front, but that's, whatever.

• 1:13:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:31Speaker 05

  Whatever, those are my two points.

• 1:13:33Andrew Santino?

  I had rear wheel and I slipped everywhere in Chicago. When you, when you, when you have rear wheel drive in the snow, you will hit stuff. Oh, you hit stuff all the fucking time. It was impossible to control.

• 1:13:44Speaker 06

  When I was a FedEx driver, they were all rear wheel.

• 1:13:46Andrew Santino?

  It's a fucking nightmare.

• 1:13:47Speaker 05

  You were a FedEx driver?

• 1:13:48Speaker 06

  In Minnesota in the winter.

• 1:13:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:50Speaker 05

  So I worked at UPS, shout out to UPS Baltimore, I hope I remember when you have now. I was a driver's helper, I started.

• 1:13:54Andrew Santino?

  UPS?

• 1:13:54Speaker 05

  That's what I was gonna tell you, like, the criminal element in UPS is, I could, I could go, I could do a, I could do a podcast series on how awesome that fucking shit was. It was so fucking crooked, like, I started as a driver's helper during the holidays, okay? And I've told this, I've never told you this story, so, um, there's a, a, a Christmas, you know, it gets packed.

• 1:14:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:20Speaker 05

  And Baltimore is house after house after house. It's not the suburbs where it.

• 1:14:24Andrew Santino?

  It's like row homes.

• 1:14:25Speaker 05

  We are packed. This dude, I have no job. I can't get a job for the life of me. I had moved back from here after the earthquake hit ninety-four.

• 1:14:32Andrew Santino?

  How old are you? You're what, in your twenty?

• 1:14:34Speaker 05

  Twenty-two?

• 1:14:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. After Northridge earthquake, is that your, yeah?

• 1:14:39Speaker 05

  I came out here because I got accepted to Northridge and the morning I woke up to drive out here, I'm staying at Shannon's place and his mom's shaking me awake. And she's like, I think I'm dreaming. There's a TV, she's got the TV on, she's, I'm downstairs in their basement, she's like, Ryan, you don't have a school anymore, Ryan. And I'm, you know, I'm thinking, oh, I'm dreaming. And I wake up and I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm leaving that morning to drive to that school that just got destroyed. And I go anyway. And I end up finishing a semester there and when I come back, it's just, you know, enrollment has tripled. I'm considered out of state, they won't give me priority, so they're like, we'll give you a loan to live here. I'm like, no, I'm not fucking taking a college loan just to live here.

• 1:15:20Speaker 05

  So I went back, finished up, and then came back out. And when I went back, I got a job at UPS. I couldn't get a fucking job. I go downtown to the unemployment office. Okay? They put me in this room. There are, I'm not exaggerating, eighty people in there. I'm the white person. Person. One white person.

• 1:15:43Andrew Santino?

  Everyone looks at you when you walk in.

• 1:15:44Speaker 05

  Everyone's looking at me. And it's a, a little thing where, you know, these companies are coming in, like the Fed, whatever, well, UPS guys come in. And I was like, oh, fuck yeah, I could, I could do a driver's helper, you know, I'd be, I'll be running and keep me in shape, whatever, I'll do that.

• 1:16:00Andrew Santino?

  Something to do.

• 1:16:01Speaker 05

  So it turns out that the guy that normally had my route for years and years, his name was Mike, he had gotten injured. So they got this new driver who's a younger dude, older than me, but he's probably in his thirties, you know? Um, and they go, we're gonna have you, uh, work with him. I go, great. And they go, here's the best part. He does his next day airs from nine to ten AM. Right after that, he's gonna pick you up at your house. Cause he goes right by your house. You're gonna run your neighborhood. I was like, oh, fuck it.

• 1:16:32Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:16:32Speaker 05

  So I just walk out in my brown outfit, he beeped the horn, I roll out of my house to go start the day. And you're going, I mean, I don't know what FedEx would do, but they would let you do. We'd work till nine, ten o'clock at night during the, just during the holidays, just so many packages.

• 1:16:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:47Speaker 05

  And they had a, a rule in Baltimore, um, if you would knock, if they're not home, you were to place the package out of sight, out of weather. Okay? So you could put it under their deck or whatever. Um, so we're doing that. We're doing that, we're doing that. And then one day, I go to this house. And the rule, the, the rule we had set up was, he runs packages on the driver's side, if it's on my side, I'm running this side.

• 1:17:12Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:17:13Speaker 05

  If, hey, if there's a hundred of them today, tough luck for me. So I go up to this door, I'm knocking on the door and I can hear people, they don't answer. And you know, he's, we're hustling, he's like, let's go. I go, they're in there, I can hear them. He goes, go around back, try and if they're not there, just leave it. I said, okay. So I go around the back door, I beat on the back door and I can hear someone in there doing shit, like, they're there. And then I just say, fuck it, and I leave the package out of sight, out of weather. That night, we get back to the, the hub and the supervisor comes over to me and goes, how about that crazy guy on your route there? And I'm like, what? We're out for twelve hours, what fucking crazy guy? There's a hundred of them out there. He goes, the guy that killed people. And we're like, what?

• 1:17:58Speaker 05

  You can look this up. I told this on Stop He's Pod, we looked it up. It's a true fucking story. The, the house I'm knocking on, the package I'm delivering, while I'm knocking on the door, the shit I'm hearing going on inside is a guy burying two bodies in his basement.

• 1:18:14Andrew Santino?

  Shut the fuck up.

• 1:18:15Speaker 05

  That's your package. I'm going to the front and the back.

• 1:18:18Andrew Santino?

  One second.

• 1:18:18Speaker 05

  I'm about to be the next fucking dead one. I'm going around the back of the house.

• 1:18:22Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit.

• 1:18:23Speaker 05

  And I'm like, what are you talking about? And it turns out the story is that this guy at that house, um, I guess he owed some people some money. Um, told them to meet him in, at a park called Patapsco Park, out where I had lived at the time, well, used to before I worked there, Carroll County. Um, and when these two guys meet him, he kills him, brings him back to his house, tries to bury him in his basement. What happened was the, one of the guys had just had a baby with his girlfriend and they had the baby in the car. So the reas, the baby was fine.

• 1:18:59Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 1:19:00Speaker 05

  I always had to say that.

• 1:19:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:01Speaker 05

  But the reason the police even got called was because the mother was like,

• 1:19:05Andrew Santino?

  Where's my baby?

• 1:19:05Speaker 05

  Where's my baby? This guy's not fucking answering, like, what the fuck's going on? And I'm like, are we gonna have to go to fucking court? He's like, nah, this is textbook. Like, that girl's like, well, here's the two people he went to meet. This is where they went to meet. That's where that guy fucking lives.

• 1:19:19Andrew Santino?

  Damn.

• 1:19:20Speaker 05

  So they go to the house, it's all in the paper, this piece of shit tries to dig up his basement to bury him, but he hits a water pipe. And it floods the basement. Now the body is just laying in there floating and shit. For real.

• 1:19:32Andrew Santino?

  Crazy.

• 1:19:33Speaker 05

  He's also the type of piece of shit that had like three cars on the law, yard. And again, I come from a junkyard. That, that car might not work, that door's good, hood's good, trunk's good, we'll give you three hundred dollars for that right now. He could have easily sold those cars.

• 1:19:49Andrew Santino?

  Made that money.

• 1:19:49Speaker 05

  I'm telling you, they tell you what the number was in there. It's an embarrassing low amount of money to kill two people.

• 1:19:54Andrew Santino?

  What is it, did it say?

• 1:19:55Speaker 06

  The murders were reportedly linked to a twelve hundred dollar drug debt.

• 1:20:02Speaker 06

  A thousand two hundred dollars.

• 1:20:03Andrew Santino?

  Just pay him off.

• 1:20:04Speaker 05

  He had three shitty cars. He could've easily got money for that.

• 1:20:07Andrew Santino?

  Right, or at least pay him in chunks. Give him a couple of hundreds.

• 1:20:09Speaker 05

  Twelve dollars is not twelve thousand dollars.

• 1:20:11Andrew Santino?

  Twelve thousand, two bodies. I get it.

• 1:20:13Speaker 05

  Two bodies, bro. You gotta go. You gotta go, man. We're over ten thousand. Somebody's gotta knock.

• 1:20:18Andrew Santino?

  Twelve hundred, pay it off in chunks.

• 1:20:19Speaker 05

  Twelve hundred's ridiculous.

• 1:20:20Andrew Santino?

  That's crazy.

• 1:20:21Speaker 06

  December fifteenth, nineteen ninety-four.

• 1:20:22Speaker 05

  Nineteen ninety-four.

• 1:20:23Andrew Santino?

  And then what did he start do- this guy's probably still in?

• 1:20:25Speaker 05

  You know what?

• 1:20:26Andrew Santino?

  No, he's out by now.

• 1:20:28Speaker 05

  No, he's prob- it's double murder. He's in for life, but it took a long time for it to like actually get sentenced. It took him a while. Might've been like two thousand or something.

• 1:20:37Speaker 06

  Well, he was convicted in April of nineteen ninety-six.

• 1:20:40Andrew Santino?

  Couple of years later.

• 1:20:41Speaker 05

  So two years later, he got convicted.

• 1:20:42Andrew Santino?

  Two years is a long time. So he gets time served. And then how long did he serve? What does it say? I bet you they gave him twelve years.

• 1:20:48Speaker 05

  For a double murder and burying?

• 1:20:50Andrew Santino?

  I'm telling you. I use here some of these times. For murder, they get like ten to fifteen years. You give a coke charge, they give him eight. And you're like, what? It doesn't say how long?

• 1:21:00Speaker 06

  No. He was sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole.

• 1:21:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh, good.

• 1:21:05Speaker 06

  Consecutive term of twenty years imprisonment. Matt Joe Green versus the state of Maryland.

• 1:21:09Andrew Santino?

  Wait, wait. Twenty years?

• 1:21:12Andrew Santino?

  It was life plus twenty?

• 1:21:14Speaker 06

  Yes. Everything is behind the paywall.

• 1:21:17Speaker 05

  That consecutive year shit too is like, what are you talk- consecutive sentences.

• 1:21:21Andrew Santino?

  Cause life's not a re-

• 1:21:22Speaker 05

  Life's twenty usually. Eighteen with good behavior.

• 1:21:24Andrew Santino?

  It's not a real thing.

• 1:21:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:21:25Speaker 05

  So I knew a guy at UPS also. This is one of my favorite. You talk about characters. This is, this was full of characters. The theft, again, the theft that went- oh, so going back to that real quick. So we're out doing our Christmas runs. And then one day, a supervisor's like, hey, man, you guys are missing a lot of packages. I'm like, no, we're not. Back then, they had a scanner called a dyad. It was brand new. It was almost as big as a fucking like tablet.

• 1:21:52Andrew Santino?

  Okay, yeah.

• 1:21:53Speaker 05

  And I was the only driver's helper in the whole fucking district that did one. My guy's doing one, I'm doing one. So that's how I eventually, they're like, you're not like anybody else. They bring me in. I start as an unloader. I go to sorting. I drive the e-reg train with all the black dudes. It's, there's four black guys and me doing the e-reg. I got an eight cart, orange airport cart, snaking through. They had to train me how to do it. If you fuck up, you jam up, then you jam the whole thing up. And you're doing it in front of everybody. And they're like, there he is, white boy fucking it all up. I'm like, shut the fuck up, Greg Bangens.

• 1:22:29Speaker 05

  They'd do that shit all the time, but I rose through the ranks quickly, became a supervisor. Alright, so

• 1:22:37Speaker 05

  we're like, we're hitting every fucking package. And what ended up happening, so then they sent loss prevention out to follow us. And what happened was, these criminals, they're so good. There's a guy following us, six, seven stops behind us. He's stealing everything.

• 1:22:51Andrew Santino?

  Smart.

• 1:22:52Speaker 05

  And loss prevention's three, four behind him, catching him do that. So they get him. Other guys would do the thing where like if you were the guy that packet, that packed the brown truck that's gonna go out to the neighborhoods. They would go over to their, the truck that would go to their neighborhood, you with me? And tape a package in the wheel well that they wanted. So you might be loading a studio city truck, but let's say you live in Van Nuys. You go over to the Van Nuys, but they're all right there. He goes over to the Van Nuys package car. You stick that fucking package up in the wheel well. Tomorrow morning, when that truck parks in the neighborhood and the guy gets out and he's dollying, right out of that wheel well, now you got your fucking package.

• 1:23:35Andrew Santino?

  Genius.

• 1:23:36Speaker 05

  Nonstop with this shit. They called them, um, um, uh, sweepers. And they would have these people, so when a box comes through and it breaks open or whatever, we, we'll tape it back up. If it can be. They have people that sit there in the cage, and it's usually expensive shit. It's TVs and stuff. And there was this one lady. It's always cause they just get one greedy, one extra time. She had been sending shit to her sister. Thousand, twenty thousand dollars worth of electronics. And got too greedy on one thing and they got her.

• 1:24:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:08Speaker 05

  My favorite was, um, I'm a supervisor at this point. You gotta wear a tie, shirt and tie. You're down there yelling at everybody. And you get paid once a month. That was the thing. Try being twenty fucking three, getting paid once a month. It sucks.

• 1:24:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:23Speaker 05

  Well, it was also in the heyday of the, you know, ten DVDs for a penny and all that bullshit, or CDs for a penny and shit. Those were getting stolen left and right. Right? So they put the fucking purple dye packs in there. It's summer in those trucks. It's already ninety degrees outside. In that truck's a hundred and ten, a hundred and fifteen. These two black dudes are, have a system going. And they, but loss prevention knows it. They set them up, pull those boxes open to steal. Boom, it explodes all over them. Purple fucking like paint. All over. And the worst part that you don't know is that you naturally wanna wipe it, and the more you wipe, the worse it gets.

• 1:25:03Andrew Santino?

  The more it spreads.

• 1:25:04Speaker 05

  The worse it spreads.

• 1:25:06Speaker 05

  So I'm in the office upstairs before I'm about to start my shift. These two black dudes come in covered in purple. I start laughing so hard, like, fuck you, man. Ain't funny, honky. I'm like, it's ridiculous. You guys just lost your jobs for some CDs and you're purple right now. You're painted purple. And you gotta go into that office and sit down and have a conversation while you're covered in purple.

• 1:25:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:28Speaker 05

  These dudes would do shit like, so now I'm a supervisor. So I, I go in, driver's helper, then I go in and I do unload, just unload boxes. Boom, boom, boom. Then they pay you a buck more if you can sort packages. So I'm like, I'm gonna go learn to sort. To this day, I still know zip codes in Maryland and California. One nine nine in Delaware, yellow belt. California's orange belt. Buffalo's blue belt. I knew all the belts. You had to know your zip. What I didn't know, Andrew Santino, back in nineteen ninety-five, was that there was an Ontario, California. I'd only ever heard of Ontario, Canada.

• 1:26:05Andrew Santino?

  Canada, yeah.

• 1:26:06Speaker 05

  And I got a truckload of boxes, big, heavy boxes, hundreds of them, all going to Ontario, CA. Your boy's pumping them down the international belt.

• 1:26:19Speaker 05

  Pumping them. I mean, bang, bang.

• 1:26:21Andrew Santino?

  C A N.

• 1:26:21Speaker 05

  Until the big red light, brat, brat. All the conveyor belts shut down. The whole fucking warehouse shuts down.

• 1:26:29Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit.

• 1:26:29Speaker 05

  Who the fuck's throwing California down the international belt? I'm knowing, ain't me. I know they ain't talking to me. Who the fuck's throwing Ontario, California? I said, I came out of my trailer, I was like, there's an Ontario, California. Like, god damn it. That's me, bro. They had to pull a whole nother tractor trailer. Get other people to go now unload the mistake. Bring it back through for me to put through. Dude, shit like that, okay? But these guys, they would, uh, so when your truck backs up to the wall, when you're unloading, naturally some packages fall out of the bay. And it's your job after you're done unloading your trailer to go outside, you take one of those, like you've seen the post office bins, like those cardboard things.

• 1:27:13Speaker 05

  And you get the loose package, you throw them in there and you put them on the rollers and you send them over. But that's when they would steal. So loss prevention would come to me all the time, like, this guy's stealing. I'm like, man, I like him. He's like, watch what he's doing. And you would see him, they liked the package, and they would set it off to the side. And they'd unload, unload, and eventually just kick it up to the front a little bit more, a little bit more, and then oops, that package fell out. Now it's outside. Fifteen minutes later, we'll get that package. Unload, unload, unload. Guy goes outside, comes back in, new boots on, brand new Timberland. He was just in that trailer. It's raggedy ass boots. He went outside to clean up packages, came back, he's got a brand new pair. And listen, when I tell you, these are black dudes.

• 1:27:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:58Speaker 05

  These are baby blue Tims, okay? They're not fucking just a regular colored Tims. You went out with some busted up black boots and came in with some brand new baby blue Tims. And they would lasso their shoes and they would throw them up on the roof. So the loss prevention guy would show me all the shoes up on the fucking roof. I'm like, get the fuck out. But he had got off the property. And the rule is, once you're off the property, it's theirs. So Timberland would fucking call and say, hey, we got a box of old fucking shoes in here. What the fuck is this? Or our box is empty. Like, what the fuck? And they would go right to that trailer, cause it's all tracked. We know Andrew Santino was in there during this time, that package. And then they watched the video, they see you do it all, right? So they called a guy in the fire room.

• 1:28:44Speaker 05

  This motherfucker came in the Tims.

• 1:28:48Andrew Santino?

  Puts his feet up on the desk.

• 1:28:49Speaker 05

  He came right in with them, no problem. And they're like, this motherfucker's wearing the Tims. Cause they couldn't do anything. It was his now.

• 1:28:55Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:28:56Speaker 05

  Shit like that, nonstop. He had a pen. And the, it's the first time I've ever seen a camera pen. He put it right here in the pole. You couldn't tell. And he'd be watching all the fucking trailer.

• 1:29:07Andrew Santino?

  The loss prevention guy?

• 1:29:08Speaker 05

  He'd go out on the, in the package car. You know those metal package cars? In February, it'd be like three degrees. And he would sit in there, freeze, just watching them steal. He loved it. He loved it. There was such a good criminal fucking mind there. Now, I'm, I've never said this anywhere, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you an exclusive here. I stole something when I was a supervisor.

• 1:29:29Andrew Santino?

  Let's go.

• 1:29:31Speaker 05

  We, and I, I mean, I'm, I'm, I've, again, I've got no parents. This is my job. I'm putting myself through school. They know I'm going to California. I'm leaving, I'm leaving. They all tell me, you ain't gonna know, you're gonna be stuck here like us. I'm like, no, I'm not, Greg Bangens. I'm getting the fuck out of here. You'll see. So, um, we, on the east coast, UPS at the time was like the official shipper for MLB, NFL. We get Buffalo Bills. You get a lot of east coast team shits coming up. Well, nineteen ninety fucking, I think it was five? Cal's breaking the streak.

• 1:30:09Speaker 05

  And they're using a special ball at the stadium that night. It's got orange stitches. And it's twenty-one thirty-one on it. It's got Cal's number on it and he's gonna just be used for that fucking game only, okay?

• 1:30:24Andrew Santino?

  Cal Ripken Jr. For people that aren't, uh, up on it.

• 1:30:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, Cal Ripken Jr. He's breaking the streak, uh, twenty-one thirty-one. It's gonna be that night. And, um, a fucking box of these balls breaks open.

• 1:30:40Andrew Santino?

  How'd it break open?

• 1:30:41Speaker 05

  It, uh, genuinely, this box broke open. How it broke open? I don't know.

• 1:30:46Andrew Santino?

  It broke open.

• 1:30:47Speaker 05

  But I was also a sweeper at the time too. I mean, before I was a supervisor. Sweepers are like, if there's any irregular package, is there anything that could tear the belt up? So if you're gonna send a transmission or something, you put it on this metal slide, and then I come by in my orange cart train, pull it off, and I take it over to the truck it's supposed to go to so it doesn't rip the conveyor belts. Packages only on the belts. Anything with a wood thing around it's gotta go down the metal slide and the cart's gotta take it around. So, you would go trailer to trailer and, and there would be naturally just, the truth is, if you really wanna know Santino, a lot of the loaders are lazy and they build a beautiful fake wall about three quarters back, and then they throw everything else over that fucking wall.

• 1:31:29Speaker 05

  Okay, that's what they do. They don't pack that truck like it's supposed to be all the way. They build a false wall that looks immaculate and then they throw shit up, just, so naturally shit gets busted, heavier boxes fall, and it falls on this box. And the balls are laying out there. And I'm just like, and then I go outside and there's one outside on the ground. And we're, it's, it's probably about three AM. We're about to shut everything down and I'm like, and I put it in my pocket and I keep thinking about it. I know homeboy's not out there.

• 1:32:05Speaker 05

  And I got it in my fucking pocket and I'm like, shit. But I also know that when I go through that guard shack, that the black dude out there is gonna be on the phone like this.

• 1:32:18Speaker 05

  And he's gonna have his metal wand. He's gonna be talking to his homies. And when he walked through, he's gonna go,

• 1:32:26Speaker 05

  he ain't doing shit. He ain't wandin' anybody. He also got caught. He was also letting people take shit out too.

• 1:32:33Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:32:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, he wasn't wandin'.

• 1:32:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:34Speaker 05

  But I was like, you ain't gonna get, there's nothing in this ball that's gonna set a wand off. So I fucking stole it. I fucking stole it. I couldn't believe it.

• 1:32:42Andrew Santino?

  Where is it?

• 1:32:43Speaker 05

  I've never admitted this. Wait to hear what happened with it. I have it. It's at the studio. This is what karma's all about. So I steal it. I have this ball forever. I used to, I still, whenever the Orioles would come to Anaheim, I would go to the games. I'd at least go to one of the three. And Cal was very good about giving his autograph, cause he didn't want it to be worth a lot. He wa- didn't want autograph people fucking people over for this thing. So he would stand early and sign, and then after the game and sign, a good hour. So I knew that. So I got there for batting practice. You know, early as fuck. I'm out in Anaheim. Um, I take a girl I'm seeing at the time. She wanted to go, so the two of us, so I'm like, I'm gonna get Cal to sign this ball. I've had it for years now. Maybe,

• 1:33:29Speaker 05

  I don't know what, good chunk of years. I'm finally gonna get Cal to sign this ball. And we're next. This little kid in front of him gives him his pen. Cal signs and he moves off. And I give him my ball and the kid forgot his pen. But I got mine. And Cal goes, you want me to just use this pen? I go, sure. And he fucking dies. Fucking dies when he signs.

• 1:33:53Andrew Santino?

  Ruins. Ruins it, dude.

• 1:33:56Speaker 05

  And he goes, oh, man, it died. Do you want me to sign in a different spot or just, I go, just over it, just over.

• 1:34:05Speaker 05

  So I got the ball at the studio and you could see Cal over Cal to get it in a first.

• 1:34:13Speaker 05

  It ain't worth shit.

• 1:34:14Andrew Santino?

  That's what you get.

• 1:34:15Speaker 05

  That's what I fucking get.

• 1:34:16Andrew Santino?

  That's what you fucking get. God, you beautiful creature. I could talk to you for about ten hours straight. Plug what you wanna plug, my prince.

• 1:34:23Speaker 05

  Um, go watch my special, Live and Alive. Uh, watch The Honeydew, The Way Back. Start with Santino's episodes. They're fucking fantastic.

• 1:34:31Andrew Santino?

  It's one of the most fun podcasts I've ever done.

• 1:34:33Speaker 05

  Thank you. Come back.

• 1:34:34Andrew Santino?

  I will.

• 1:34:34Speaker 05

  You've only done it once. I would love to have you back. And, um, go check my website, RyanSickler.com. Come see me on the show.

• 1:34:39Andrew Santino?

  Go to RyanSickler.com. Please go watch his special. We'll put the link in the description down below. Um, and we end the show the same way. Uh, you look into that camera, say one word or one phrase, uh, to end the episode. Word of wisdom or just something quick? One word or one phrase?

• 1:34:53Speaker 05

  That's something.

• 1:34:54Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:35:00Speaker 02

  You with that creature and the ginger beard.

• 1:35:02Speaker 03

  Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

• 1:35:08Speaker 04

  You want me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse? Ginger? Oh, hell no.

• 1:35:13Speaker 02

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.