Pod Insights Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino Harland Williams About this episode Yoo Hoo Boy! It's comedy icon Harland Williams! Harland sits down with Santino to talk about Dumb & Dumber, being too weird for network TV, and his award winning film Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face! From the set of Half Baked to solo desert trips with mannequins, Harland shares stories that are hilarious, strange, and somehow deeply spiritual. This one goes off the rails in all the best ways exactly how you’d want it. Don't forget to moisturize!
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Produced and edited by Joe Faria
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Transcript 12,256 words · 12 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola, for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.
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1:00 Speaker 02 In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.
1:05 Speaker 03 Who's that creature in the ginger beard?
1:08 Speaker 04 It's dirty and ginger.
1:09 Speaker 03 Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.
1:11 Speaker 04 Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh hell no.
1:18 Speaker 05 This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.
1:24 Andrew Santino? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. It's Harlan Williams.
1:32 Speaker 07 Were you just speaking in tongues?
1:34 Andrew Santino? Let me see your tongue.
1:35 Speaker 07 I don't do devil's stuff, bro.
1:44 Speaker 07 Dude, that's like Creepsville.
1:47 Andrew Santino? Here it is, Harlan Williams, one of my favorite people, one of my least favorite comics, favorite people.
1:52 Speaker 07 Yeah, you've always said that.
1:53 Andrew Santino? Comedy people, wing.
1:55 Speaker 07 Yeah, you've always been consistent with that, by the way. Thank you.
1:58 Andrew Santino? Thank you.
1:59 Speaker 07 Schwank schwu.
2:00 Andrew Santino? No, don't do that stuff today. No schwank schwu on my show, pal.
2:05 Speaker 07 Okay, well, don't talk and speak in tongues.
2:07 Andrew Santino? I'm gonna talk in tongues if I want to talk in tongues.
2:09 Speaker 07 I'll do it right back.
2:10 Andrew Santino? You got a big bottle of Coke there, bud?
2:11 Speaker 07 That's what she said.
2:12 Andrew Santino? Stop it, Harlan.
2:14 Speaker 07 What?
2:15 Andrew Santino? You're off to a really testy start. Testy?
2:18 Speaker 07 I'm not falling into your devil talk.
2:20 Andrew Santino? I'm giving you two for two.
2:21 Speaker 07 No.
2:22 Andrew Santino? We followed each other at the store the other night and boy, what a pleasure it is to go up after you because the crowd is so ready for comedy.
2:26 Speaker 07 They're ready for something good.
2:28 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
2:28 Speaker 07 I know. I just wish I could get my hands around, my fingers wrapped around this comedy thing. It's a toughie. It's a toughie.
2:37 Andrew Santino? You're one of the best working comics alive. I think you're one of the funniest people I've ever met in my entire life. I, I, I take pride that we're friends.
2:44 Speaker 07 Is this still some devil tongue stuff?
2:46 Andrew Santino? No, I'm being serious. I love you. You know how much I love you, don't I?
2:50 Speaker 07 I don't know.
2:51 Andrew Santino? Come on.
2:52 Speaker 07 I don't know. You're a hard guy to get through the veneer.
2:56 Andrew Santino? No, these are real.
2:57 Speaker 07 Are they?
2:57 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
2:58 Speaker 07 Why are they yellow then?
2:59 Andrew Santino? Because I'm drinking coffee and Coke all day.
3:01 Speaker 07 So you're not drinking, I'm not gonna say, but they're yellow.
3:05 Andrew Santino? You think I'm drinking piss?
3:06 Speaker 07 I was, I was gonna say Newman's Own Lemonade.
3:09 Andrew Santino? It's so good.
3:10 Speaker 07 Isn't it good?
3:11 Andrew Santino? Are you, are you a, um, Arnold Palmer guy or no?
3:14 Speaker 07 I'm a, I like an Arnold Palmer, but I like to do in the summer, which it is now. I like to sit on the porch with a beautiful ice filled glass of cold lemonade. Condensation dripping down the glass. Cicadas singing, crickets chirping. And I'm sitting on this big old white porch on an old sort of rocking chair. And a young kid drives by on his bicycle, skids to a stop. And I keep a white hanky in the summer. And I just go, "You-hoo, boy." And the look on their face, like they just, it's so, it's summery.
3:53 Andrew Santino? It's summery.
3:54 Speaker 07 I love summery stuff.
3:54 Andrew Santino? It sounds threatening.
3:56 Speaker 07 Pardon me?
3:57 Andrew Santino? You sound like you're threatening the young boy.
3:59 Speaker 07 No, no, it's a greeting in the old south. "You-hoo, boy." And then you have, I hope you're gonna laugh.
4:08 Andrew Santino? Is that what you do, dude? I don't know.
4:10 Speaker 07 Dude, it's a summer thing down south. Have you ever been to Georgia in the summer?
4:15 Andrew Santino? Never in the summer, only in the fall.
4:16 Speaker 07 On an old, like, like an old mansion with the Spanish moss and a boy rides by on his bike. Seven, eight years old, you have a, you have a condensed glass of lemonade. You can hear the ice cubes, the cicadas. Eeeeee.
4:34 Speaker 07 Eee. Eee. And then. Yoohoo. Boa.
4:46 Andrew Santino? I see it now.
4:47 Speaker 07 And it's just a friend, it's a southern greeting.
4:49 Andrew Santino? I get it. You're from Canada, though. You're not from the south.
4:52 Speaker 07 Yeah, but I've been to the south. Where do you think I drink my lemonade?
4:55 Andrew Santino? I don't know where you put it in your body.
4:58 Speaker 07 Yoohoo.
5:00 Andrew Santino? Boa.
5:01 Speaker 07 Don't do that to me, dude.
5:02 Andrew Santino? I told you, when you give me flirty eyes, it gets me uncomfortable. Don't do that.
5:05 Speaker 07 Alright, alright.
5:06 Andrew Santino? You've been flirting with me for years since I've known you. I don't like it when you flirt with me.
5:09 Speaker 07 Well, you ever said that at the drive-thru when we went to see Grease?
5:12 Andrew Santino? Yeah, because I love Travolta.
5:13 Speaker 07 I know, but when I turned to you and went, hey, how's it going, Sandy?
5:17 Andrew Santino? No, no, no, no, no. Don't do it, dude. Happy Canada Day the other day, by the way.
5:21 Speaker 07 The other day?
5:22 Andrew Santino? How'd you celebrate?
5:24 Speaker 07 Uh, I recreated the JFK assassination on my street.
5:29 Andrew Santino? Was he, was he a Canadian?
5:31 Speaker 07 No, he was American, but I thought, how better to celebrate Canada Day than the assassination of an American president, a beloved one?
5:39 Andrew Santino? One of the best.
5:39 Speaker 07 So I got all the, the American neighbors and we sort of, one of them had a convertible and one of the guys up the road at 455 Wilmot had a rifle.
5:49 Andrew Santino? Oh, Marcus on Wilmot?
5:50 Speaker 07 Yeah.
5:51 Andrew Santino? The guy with the lazy eye?
5:52 Speaker 07 Right.
5:52 Andrew Santino? How did he shoot?
5:54 Speaker 07 From the library, from the book suppository. He had a library on his upper floor. He had his own personal.
6:00 Andrew Santino? Depository? Suppository? I think it's depository.
6:02 Speaker 07 I think it's suppository.
6:04 Andrew Santino? You think he goes up your ass?
6:05 Speaker 07 Well, when you're an ass saying it.
6:07 Andrew Santino? Well, he's an assassin, he's an assassin.
6:09 Speaker 07 Assassin, so you're gonna shoot from a suppository?
6:12 Andrew Santino? Got it.
6:12 Speaker 07 Yeah.
6:13 Andrew Santino? Well, happy Canada Day, bud.
6:14 Speaker 07 Thank you, thank you.
6:15 Andrew Santino? I had syrup in your honor.
6:17 Speaker 07 You did?
6:17 Andrew Santino? Two things I've, I've stolen from Canadian culture. He knows this. I say eh sometimes, just because I like the way it sounds. Instead of a question mark at the end when you go up? That's an American. And you guys just go, you wanna go over there eh?
6:30 Speaker 07 No, that's not how you do it.
6:31 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it is eh?
6:32 Speaker 07 No, no.
6:33 Andrew Santino? Sure eh?
6:34 Speaker 07 No, you're doing it wrong.
6:35 Andrew Santino? Are we buds eh?
6:37 Speaker 07 Oh god.
6:37 Andrew Santino? Come on bud.
6:38 Speaker 07 That's so bad.
6:39 Andrew Santino? Come on eh?
6:40 Speaker 07 Sacra- every Canadian now is just like, like, you ever smelled-
6:43 Andrew Santino? Oh they're cringing, our little Canadians cringing.
6:46 Speaker 07 Sour milk on like a rotten-
6:50 Andrew Santino? Rock? I used to pour sour milk on the rock. A what?
6:53 Speaker 07 Yeah.
6:53 Andrew Santino? Oh no.
6:54 Speaker 07 Every Canadian now just has that face.
6:56 Andrew Santino? I could care less, you guys live upstairs. You're America's attic.
7:00 Speaker 07 Hey, you wanna go down to the store there eh bud?
7:03 Andrew Santino? That sounds stupid, that didn't sound right. No, that's bad.
7:06 Speaker 07 It's eh, it's okay eh?
7:07 Andrew Santino? I said eh.
7:08 Speaker 07 No, the way you said it was just-
7:10 Andrew Santino? Come on bud eh? No.
7:12 Speaker 07 Yeah, no.
7:13 Andrew Santino? No, that's eh.
7:13 Speaker 07 Don't even try.
7:14 Andrew Santino? Don't even try eh?
7:15 Speaker 07 I would ask you, yeah, you just lost all your Canadian viewers.
7:18 Andrew Santino? Oh no.
7:19 Speaker 07 Yeah, all five of them.
7:21 Andrew Santino? That's only five viewers on this show.
7:22 Speaker 07 Oh no, what are you, Pee Wee Herman? Oh no, suddenly you're Pee Wee Herman now?
7:27 Andrew Santino? He's dead, he just died.
7:28 Speaker 07 Who killed him?
7:29 Andrew Santino? JFK.
7:32 Speaker 07 You.
7:33 Andrew Santino? You, boy.
7:36 Andrew Santino? Ah, you pig. I hate you so much dude. When are you gonna do another hour?
7:41 Speaker 07 What do you mean?
7:41 Andrew Santino? When are you gonna put on an hour of standup?
7:43 Speaker 07 I don't really feel inspired to do it.
7:45 Andrew Santino? Why, you're so funny. Everybody wants to see you.
7:48 Speaker 07 It's gonna sound very pretentious, but I'm sort of, I don't know, it just, I feel like I've done enough of them and-
7:57 Andrew Santino? How many do you do, four or five?
7:58 Speaker 07 In my career?
7:59 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
8:00 Speaker 07 Oh, I've probably done eight or nine.
8:01 Andrew Santino? No way.
8:02 Speaker 07 Yeah.
8:03 Andrew Santino? Full hours?
8:04 Speaker 07 Specials? Yeah, oh yeah.
8:06 Andrew Santino? Wow.
8:07 Speaker 07 Maybe ten even, I don't know, but I just, I just, they don't carry the special, they're called specials, they used to be, I don't know, I'm gonna sound snobby, so I just, I don't feel it in me at the moment.
8:19 Andrew Santino? You think they suck?
8:20 Speaker 07 No, I don't think they suck.
8:22 Andrew Santino? And you think people that do them suck?
8:23 Speaker 07 No, no, I think for me, I don't feel inspired to do one.
8:27 Andrew Santino? What inspires you now? This is my Larry King moment. What inspires you?
8:31 Speaker 07 What inspires me?
8:32 Andrew Santino? Tell me what inspires you.
8:33 Speaker 07 Oh, I like that. What inspires me is more in the moment rawness versus rehearsed and packaged specials. And I realize that's what you have to do. A special has to be rehearsed and packed, but I think that's maybe what I don't feel in tune with is the the homogenization effect that that creates in comedy. They're a bit too packaged for me where I think, I just feel like there's, I'd rather see a bucking bronco than a Clydesdale. You know what I mean?
9:08 Andrew Santino? Right. You'd rather see a bar fight than, than an organized boxing match?
9:12 Speaker 07 No.
9:12 Andrew Santino? That's what you're saying.
9:13 Speaker 07 No.
9:14 Andrew Santino? I read what you're saying.
9:16 Speaker 07 No, because-
9:16 Andrew Santino? You'd rather see, you'd rather see unorganized chaos than organized chaos.
9:22 Speaker 07 I, something to that effect. I just wish it was a little more, or a little more organic and raw. I feel like-
9:30 Andrew Santino? When was it ever?
9:32 Speaker 07 It always, well, I don't know, but I, I feel like some of the forces that be are sort of manipulating and puppeteering the tone of comedy right now.
9:42 Andrew Santino? Interesting, because I have some comments about this.
9:43 Speaker 07 Which, which I don't, I don't think you should be able to put straps around comedy. And I feel like there's, there's, there's, for the first time, it feels a little like corporate comedy world is at play.
9:57 Andrew Santino? But didn't it feel like this before? It felt like this before and then it, then it went away and then it's rebirthed. So it goes through waves, right?
10:03 Speaker 07 I guess.
10:04 Andrew Santino? Eighties was corporate comedy, very bad.
10:06 Speaker 07 Yeah, yeah, you're right.
10:08 Andrew Santino? And I think it went through big waves, but you've been through all the waves. You've been in the ocean for far too long. Come on out.
10:12 Speaker 07 I know.
10:13 Andrew Santino? We'd like you to get out.
10:14 Speaker 07 I'm starting to stink.
10:15 Andrew Santino? No, you're pruning, dude.
10:17 Speaker 07 It's like one of those whales when they die and they just, they, all the gases build up and then they explode.
10:22 Andrew Santino? It blows up at the beach? No.
10:24 Speaker 07 Ready to blow.
10:25 Andrew Santino? Well, the only reason I ask is because every time I see you at the store, you come with original stuff, unique and genuinely. If, if people are listening and haven't seen you live yet, you are, I think, one of the best working live comedians I've ever seen in my life. No, I mean it.
10:39 Speaker 07 Thank you, brother.
10:40 Andrew Santino? As a friend, I think you're unbelievable. You are unique and no one else goes, you'll never go, oh, that's my joke, for a Harland joke. No one will ever go, that's my joke. It is your joke.
10:50 Speaker 07 Thank you.
10:51 Andrew Santino? And you've stolen two from me and I want to talk about it today.
10:53 Speaker 07 Okay, let's get it out. The really good ones, by the way.
10:56 Andrew Santino? The pumpernickel joke? That's mine.
10:58 Speaker 07 I'm not gonna stop.
11:00 Andrew Santino? Why are you doing my stuff?
11:01 Speaker 07 I don't know, dude. It just feels good. And when I stole it.
11:04 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
11:05 Speaker 07 When you steal something, like, let's say you steal a car, and you don't get the gear shift. You don't get the reverse. But when you steal something and you sit in it and it feels so good, and so right.
11:16 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
11:16 Speaker 07 So whenever I steal from you, the two that I've stolen, and there's a third one you don't know about yet.
11:22 Andrew Santino? What?
11:22 Speaker 07 You'll see soon. It'll be in my next special.
11:26 Andrew Santino? You are doing a special. You lied.
11:28 Speaker 07 But it feels so good. Your stuff feels like... What I do is I steal from you, I rework it, make it better.
11:37 Andrew Santino? Oh, well, that's true.
11:37 Speaker 07 And then when I spit it out, it's just like...
11:40 Andrew Santino? It's gold.
11:41 Speaker 07 Well...
11:43 Speaker 07 It's gold. It's gold.
11:44 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it's gold. It's Canadian gold.
11:46 Speaker 07 So thank you for supplying me with material.
11:49 Andrew Santino? Yeah, no problem.
11:50 Speaker 07 And you are a friend, friendly friend.
11:52 Andrew Santino? I'm a friendly friend. I like this shirt, by the way.
11:54 Speaker 07 Thank you, brother. I made it this morning.
11:56 Andrew Santino? I can see that, yeah. That looks like something that came off of your fridge. Did somebody, your niece, make that, and then you turned it into a shirt? Was it a magnet at one time?
12:03 Speaker 07 It was a magnet, yeah. Yeah. It does look like a fridge magnet.
12:08 Andrew Santino? It does, but I like it.
12:09 Speaker 07 By the way, that's the... You know how if you ever want to vandalize a cyber truck? Just throw fridge magnets on it.
12:16 Andrew Santino? Smart.
12:16 Speaker 07 Yeah. And put a shopping list under the windshield wiper.
12:19 Andrew Santino? Tell them what to get you.
12:20 Speaker 07 Yeah.
12:21 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
12:22 Speaker 07 They hate that.
12:23 Andrew Santino? They do, don't they?
12:24 Speaker 07 Yeah.
12:24 Andrew Santino? Do you have an electric car? Are you an electric car guy? What do you got? You have a Tesla?
12:27 Speaker 07 I have a vibrator, actually. I bought a vibrator on Amazon. Put some Michelin's on it.
12:35 Andrew Santino? Oh, yeah.
12:36 Speaker 07 And you just twist the back and you... It's almost like, it looks like Barney Rubble's log car. But it's a vibrator. It's a big one. And I just ride it around town. I get about... I can get about a good 300-mile masturbatory charge.
12:52 Andrew Santino? Wow.
12:53 Speaker 07 Yeah. Like, if a woman drove my car, she could climax from Cleveland to San Diego and back.
12:59 Andrew Santino? And back.
13:00 Speaker 07 And back.
13:01 Andrew Santino? Long ride.
13:02 Speaker 07 It's a long ride. It's a good, good old vibrator.
13:04 Andrew Santino? Name of your new special. It's a long ride.
13:06 Speaker 07 It's a long ride.
13:07 Andrew Santino? It has been.
13:08 Speaker 07 Well, I was gonna call it masturbate all the way to San Diego, but if long ride suits you better...
13:12 Andrew Santino? I just feel like that's a little bit more appropriate.
13:14 Speaker 07 Okay.
13:15 Andrew Santino? All right, let me get back in my Larry King moment, okay?
13:17 Speaker 07 Okay.
13:18 Andrew Santino? You have any bad habits?
13:22 Speaker 07 I'm thinking.
13:23 Andrew Santino? Does Harland have any bad habits?
13:27 Speaker 07 Right here.
13:28 Andrew Santino? What is it?
13:28 Speaker 07 Coca-Cola. My worst, I love it.
13:31 Andrew Santino? How many do you have a day? Be honest, cuz I know.
13:35 Speaker 07 Do you really? Take a guess.
13:37 Andrew Santino? Five?
13:39 Speaker 07 You know, probably.
13:39 Andrew Santino? I've seen you drink four.
13:40 Speaker 07 Probably two to, two to four or five a day.
13:44 Andrew Santino? So crazy, dude.
13:45 Speaker 07 I hate it. I hate, I love it so much, but I hate it.
13:48 Andrew Santino? But you don't do drugs, you don't drink, you don't smoke. So what? So this is your thing?
13:54 Speaker 07 It is my thing, but I don't like knowingly like doing things that are bad for me and.
13:59 Andrew Santino? But you don't do anything bad?
14:01 Speaker 07 Well, I try not to, but this is definitely a habit that I, I wish I could control better. I can, but I choose not to.
14:10 Andrew Santino? Yeah, we, we all have to make choices.
14:12 Speaker 07 Yeah.
14:12 Andrew Santino? And this is a choice you've made.
14:14 Speaker 07 And what's funny is I'll turn it off. But then it comes like, I'll just go, no more pop. And I will stop cold turkey for four months. And then I'll go play sports and I go, I'll just have one, I'm dying. And then boom, I'm back in, the body just goes, let's go again.
14:32 Andrew Santino? You don't, is it, you don't drink Mexican Coke? You like the glass bottle Coke?
14:35 Speaker 07 I like, I like the American Coke. I like the, um.
14:39 Andrew Santino? You like the sugar?
14:39 Speaker 07 Fructose sugar, whatever it is.
14:41 Andrew Santino? High fructose corn syrup.
14:42 Speaker 07 Over the sugar cane. Everyone talks about the Mexican Coke, how great it is. I'm like, yeah.
14:49 Andrew Santino? You'd rather corn syrup?
14:50 Speaker 07 Yeah.
14:50 Andrew Santino? Yeah, like a good American.
14:52 Speaker 07 Canadian.
14:53 Andrew Santino? No, you are one of us now.
14:54 Speaker 07 Syrup.
14:55 Andrew Santino? Haven't you been here for long enough that you're one of us?
14:56 Speaker 07 I'm both, actually.
14:57 Andrew Santino? You're dual citizen?
14:58 Speaker 07 Dual. Yeah.
14:59 Andrew Santino? When'd you get that?
15:01 Speaker 07 Uh, I got that, it was the year Obama first won. It was that year. Whatever year that was. His first, his first term was the same year that he ran for president and won.
15:14 Andrew Santino? When was that?
15:17 Andrew Santino? When did Obama become president? When was he president? Obama?
15:21 Speaker 07 Obama.
15:21 Andrew Santino? Was the president?
15:23 Speaker 07 Yeah, Barack Obama, the half-white guy.
15:26 Andrew Santino? How long was he president?
15:28 Speaker 07 I think they had him in for five or six months.
15:32 Andrew Santino? In and out, huh?
15:33 Speaker 07 Yeah.
15:33 Andrew Santino? Busy guy?
15:34 Speaker 07 Well, he was half-white.
15:36 Andrew Santino? Oh.
15:37 Speaker 07 I mean, what are you gonna do when you're half-white? Who wants that?
15:40 Andrew Santino? I'm full. Is that bad?
15:42 Speaker 07 You're full-white?
15:43 Andrew Santino? Yeah, all the way.
15:44 Speaker 07 Do you have a touch of albino in you, though?
15:46 Andrew Santino? I knew you were gonna ask me about the albino stuff.
15:48 Speaker 07 Well, I mean, look at ya.
15:49 Andrew Santino? So I have a little bit.
15:50 Speaker 07 Yeah. Like, if I turn out the light right now, and it was dark, would I feel like I'm sitting in a room with Casper?
15:56 Andrew Santino? Well, he's a friendly ghost.
15:58 Speaker 07 Yeah, but maybe too friendly, like, would I see a glowing arm, like, slide up my inner thigh?
16:04 Andrew Santino? If you're lucky.
16:05 Speaker 07 Ew.
16:06 Andrew Santino? You don't have any relationship with ghosts?
16:08 Speaker 07 Uh, I did once.
16:10 Andrew Santino? I will say, I've been to your home. It's haunted. There's no doubt that your house is haunted. It is. You've heard stuff, haven't you?
16:15 Speaker 07 Oh, yeah.
16:15 Andrew Santino? Your office that you took me into, that's haunted.
16:18 Speaker 07 Yeah, definitely.
16:19 Andrew Santino? You ever out there at night?
16:20 Speaker 07 Well, there's an old story behind it. The guy who owned the house before me murdered someone in that office.
16:27 Andrew Santino? Shut up.
16:27 Speaker 07 Yeah.
16:28 Andrew Santino? Shut up!
16:29 Speaker 07 Yeah.
16:29 Andrew Santino? His wife, who'd he murder?
16:31 Speaker 07 He murdered a business associate who he thought was swindling him out of money.
16:36 Andrew Santino? This was the 20s, right?
16:38 Speaker 07 No, no, this was in the 70s.
16:41 Andrew Santino? Oh, shit.
16:42 Speaker 07 And apparently, as what I've been told, he, a fight broke out, they wrestled, the guy had a Glock, one of these German handguns.
16:54 Andrew Santino? Glockenspiel, yeah.
16:55 Speaker 07 Um, this is tough to, this is a bit morbid. Do you wanna change the topic? But he put the mouth, the mouth of the Glock right in the guy's mouth, and...
17:10 Speaker 07 If you want to change the topic.
17:11 Andrew Santino? No dude, I want to know what he did next, I'm on the edge of my seat.
17:15 Speaker 07 Well, there's 10 rounds in a clip.
17:17 Andrew Santino? Oh yeah.
17:17 Speaker 07 But you can get 15. So apparently he unloaded 10 rounds.
17:22 Andrew Santino? Good lord.
17:23 Speaker 07 Into this guy's head.
17:25 Andrew Santino? Gosh.
17:26 Speaker 07 And the head sort of dissipates after four.
17:28 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I've seen it, yeah.
17:29 Speaker 07 And so he was just.
17:31 Andrew Santino? Dakka dakka dakka.
17:31 Speaker 07 It was like anger trigger pulling at that point. That happened in my office.
17:35 Andrew Santino? And that's where you wrote this recent movie that you just did?
17:38 Speaker 07 Yeah.
17:38 Andrew Santino? Wow.
17:39 Speaker 07 Yeah, so.
17:40 Andrew Santino? What's the movie called again?
17:41 Speaker 07 Wingman.
17:44 Speaker 07 Wingman. I actually reached out to you.
17:46 Andrew Santino? I wanted to be in your movie, I know.
17:47 Speaker 07 I actually, I actually talked to you about possibly doing it, but you were, you were doing your movie, uh, Nicky Trinicky or whatever it's called.
17:54 Andrew Santino? Ricky's Trinicky in Australia, yeah.
17:56 Speaker 07 Oh, you shot that in Oz.
17:58 Andrew Santino? Down there, Danunda.
17:59 Speaker 07 Oh dude, did you love Oz?
18:01 Andrew Santino? Honestly, I did. In a way that I didn't think I was gonna love it. In fact, if and when.
18:08 Speaker 07 Yeah.
18:08 Andrew Santino? Not if, but unfortunately when, my parents are no longer here, which is a sad day, but I think I could move down there. If I had no family.
18:16 Speaker 07 Yeah.
18:17 Andrew Santino? You know, if I didn't have my parents around, I probably could go to Australia.
18:20 Speaker 07 What part?
18:21 Andrew Santino? Melbourne. You ever been down to Melbourne?
18:23 Speaker 07 Yeah.
18:24 Andrew Santino? Beautiful eh?
18:24 Speaker 07 I've been there like two or three times.
18:26 Andrew Santino? It's nice, isn't it?
18:27 Speaker 07 It is nice, mate, you're not wrong.
18:29 Andrew Santino? Where'd you go? Would you play a show down there, or are you down there just, uh?
18:31 Speaker 07 I went there doing a little traveling, and then I also did the, uh, Melbourne Comedy Festival.
18:36 Andrew Santino? Oh, Melbourne Comedy Festival, yeah.
18:37 Speaker 07 Good on you, mate, you're not wrong.
18:38 Andrew Santino? They didn't like you though, did they?
18:39 Speaker 07 They didn't like me much, but then I went up to Wolf Creek, had a little run around the, uh, crater as they call it, mate, and, uh, hooked the chainsaw out to a couple of guineas.
18:49 Andrew Santino? Whoa.
18:50 Speaker 07 Eh?
18:50 Andrew Santino? Whoa, you making fun of Italians now?
18:52 Speaker 07 You're not wrong.
18:53 Andrew Santino? Slow down.
18:54 Speaker 07 Eh?
18:54 Andrew Santino? Speed up?
18:55 Speaker 07 Fuck off.
18:56 Andrew Santino? Alright dude, you're on my show.
18:58 Speaker 07 I won, I won.
18:59 Andrew Santino? You're right, you did. You've never lost, have you?
19:02 Speaker 07 No, I don't lose.
19:03 Andrew Santino? You've never taken an L in your entire life?
19:05 Speaker 07 Why would I do?
19:06 Andrew Santino? Whether it's comedy, acting, relationships, you're the, you're the big winner. What are you getting, you gonna pull out a gun?
19:12 Speaker 07 It's just these lights, just.
19:14 Andrew Santino? Oh shit.
19:17 Speaker 07 No, I don't lose, I mean, what's the, what is the point in losing?
19:22 Andrew Santino? Golly dude.
19:24 Speaker 07 No, these li- I don't know what wattage you use in here, but.
19:26 Andrew Santino? This is regu- these are regular bulbs.
19:28 Speaker 07 Okay, well, what, what's the wattage? Can I guy ask? Is it 100 watt, 120?
19:33 Andrew Santino? It's 120.
19:34 Speaker 07 Okay, well, this is 200.
19:38 Speaker 07 But these are hot, these are hotter than Dolly Parton's thong at a pogo stick festival.
19:44 Andrew Santino? Let me tell you something about that, waving that around.
19:47 Speaker 07 What?
19:47 Andrew Santino? You better.
19:48 Speaker 07 Oh, this? Oh shit.
19:49 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
19:49 Speaker 07 Sorry.
19:50 Andrew Santino? You don't realize that, do you?
19:51 Speaker 07 Sorry, no, I was just hot.
19:53 Andrew Santino? I get it.
19:54 Speaker 07 It's called relief.
19:55 Andrew Santino? Do you want us to turn up the air for you, bud?
19:58 Speaker 07 I'm okay. I just dabbed off with a cool thousand dollars.
20:03 Andrew Santino? You carry money with you all the time, huh? Just to show off?
20:05 Speaker 07 I carry sweat relief.
20:07 Andrew Santino? Is that what that is?
20:08 Speaker 07 Yeah, it's like a deodorant.
20:10 Andrew Santino? How much was that shirt?
20:12 Speaker 07 This shirt?
20:12 Andrew Santino? That looked expensive.
20:13 Speaker 07 This was quite, this is a Dolce and Gabbana.
20:16 Andrew Santino? Is that a D and G?
20:17 Speaker 07 Yeah.
20:19 Andrew Santino? I didn't take you for a fancy boy.
20:20 Speaker 07 Four grand for this.
20:22 Andrew Santino? That's a four thousand dollar shirt.
20:23 Speaker 07 Yeah, this is Persian silk.
20:25 Andrew Santino? Oh, I only wear Armenian silk.
20:27 Speaker 07 Staple Sharpie.
20:29 Andrew Santino? Oh, that's just a regular Sharpie?
20:30 Speaker 07 Yeah, this is just a Sharpie.
20:31 Andrew Santino? That looks like something Tim Burton would draw. I like that.
20:33 Speaker 07 You do?
20:34 Andrew Santino? I love Burton. Favorite Burton film, on the count of three. One, two.
20:37 Speaker 07 Hold on, hold on.
20:38 Andrew Santino? Favorite Tim Burton film. One, two, three.
20:43 Speaker 07 Peewee's Big Adventure. Really?
20:46 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
20:47 Speaker 07 See, I'm not a major Tim Burton fan.
20:50 Andrew Santino? Batman? Edward Scissorhands?
20:52 Speaker 07 No, so here's the thing.
20:54 Andrew Santino? We can get into none of these things?
20:55 Speaker 07 I like his artistic visions. I like his artistry. I don't, and he's gonna hate me for this, is he watching?
21:02 Andrew Santino? He's watching.
21:04 Speaker 07 I, his storytelling is not as strong as his, his visual, his vision.
21:10 Andrew Santino? You don't think Edward Scissorhands was a perfect movie, front to back?
21:13 Speaker 07 No, I think it was good, but it was familiar. It was the old kind of, you know.
21:18 Andrew Santino? The old kind of guy with scissors for hands movie?
21:20 Speaker 07 The old kind of, you know, the reclusive kid that no one understood, like.
21:24 Andrew Santino? Right.
21:24 Speaker 07 It was very visually creative, different.
21:27 Andrew Santino? Beautiful.
21:28 Speaker 07 He's very good at creating worlds, but then I always find a lot of times, his story, he builds up great stories, but they don't conclude well for daddy.
21:36 Andrew Santino? Okay, well then who is the best for you, daddy? Who's the best?
21:40 Speaker 07 In terms of?
21:41 Andrew Santino? What's a perfect film?
21:42 Speaker 07 You know what's interesting? There's two movies. There's a few movies that are really good. Believe it or not, Ghost to me.
21:50 Andrew Santino? Such a good movie.
21:51 Speaker 07 If you watch that movie, it it has so many elements. Comedy, drama, romance, horror. I mean, it's even introspective about the afterlife, but all the characters and these elements merge together so well. It's it's really, if you want to study a really good storytelling movie that hits so many different beats, that's one of them.
22:17 Andrew Santino? What's the other one?
22:18 Speaker 07 Another one is Back to the Future, the original one.
22:20 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it's one of the best movies.
22:22 Speaker 07 Because it's one of those movies where someone actually took the time to put things in chronological order, even though it's fantastical.
22:30 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
22:31 Speaker 07 And and followed the logic of a story without, you know, so many. I went to see Jurassic Park 12 last night, and it's just like, things are happening and going on for no reason.
22:44 Andrew Santino? Right.
22:45 Speaker 07 Never explained.
22:46 Andrew Santino? Visual, they're all for visual purposes.
22:47 Speaker 07 It's, yeah, it's just like, so I love that one. I love.
22:51 Andrew Santino? Ghost?
22:52 Speaker 07 Ghost, and this is more from a structural perspective.
22:55 Andrew Santino? And last time I was at your house, you told me we were gonna watch a movie together, and you said, let's watch American History X. You love that movie. Why do you like that movie so much?
23:04 Speaker 07 I like me a good neck stomping.
23:09 Speaker 07 And it doesn't have to be like racial.
23:11 Andrew Santino? Yeah, but it isn't that.
23:12 Speaker 07 It doesn't have to be white on black, black on white.
23:15 Andrew Santino? Anybody, really.
23:15 Speaker 07 I just like to see any good old friendly human folk, I call them, any good old folk with their their teeth propped on a curve, and someone preferably in a pair of lemon lime crocs.
23:28 Andrew Santino? Oh, croc.
23:29 Speaker 07 Because the juxtaposition between a face and a neck getting cracked in a curve with the soft texture of a croc.
23:39 Speaker 07 It's just that there are two elements like heaven and hell working against each other, but there's this symbiotic, beautiful fusion that you just can't manufacture.
23:49 Andrew Santino? You can't manufacture it.
23:50 Speaker 07 And when you watch American History X and there's that neck stomping.
23:53 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I remember it.
23:54 Speaker 07 Irregardless of the race, it's not, to me, it wasn't about black or white.
23:58 Andrew Santino? It was in the movie, yeah.
23:59 Speaker 07 It was just about the, almost like watching Olga Korbit when she did her perfect ten at the Montreal Olympics on the Palma horse.
24:07 Andrew Santino? How could I forget?
24:08 Speaker 07 On the, on the parallel bars. And just this neck stomping, the crunch even, the sound, the audio sensations, the, the sound of teeth cracking on a, on a curb put together by laymen, blue collar workers.
24:24 Andrew Santino? Laymen.
24:24 Speaker 07 You're hearing like incisors and molars and, and just, just miraculous, unbelievable. But you did ask.
24:34 Andrew Santino? I did.
24:38 Speaker 07 Is there an intermission on this or no?
24:39 Andrew Santino? There will, there will be now.
24:41 Speaker 07 Okay, can we roll the fun little intermission?
24:43 Andrew Santino? Roll it now.
24:44 Speaker 07 With the fun music?
24:45 Speaker 02 In here, we pour whiskey.
24:49 Speaker 00 Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Take out some Coca-Cola at a store near you.
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25:49 Andrew Santino? This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by BetterHelp. Look, I've talked a lot about therapy on this show over the years, and I do believe it's a big proponent in my success, getting feelings off of my chest. Sure, you could have a diary. Sure, you could tell a friend, you could tell your significant other. But it's nice to talk to someone who is not a stranger, but you know, not someone super close to you, so they can really hear you out. Honestly, BetterHelp has helped so many people. Workplace stress now one of the top causes of declining mental health. 61% of the global workforce experiencing higher than normal levels of stress. Do not battle stress alone, okay? You need to talk to someone, and it's not a long-term solution to stress to keep throwing it away. It's not gonna work. Therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges the workday or any are gonna bring. It's benefited me and millions of other people.
26:34 Andrew Santino? They've got over 30,000 therapists. It's BetterHelp's largest, the world's largest online therapy platform. 1.7 million, sorry, client reviews. 4.9 out of 5 in the App Store. That's pretty good. Convenient. Join a session with a therapist, click a button, anytime, anywhere, anyplace. All right? Unwind from work with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/whiskey. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash whiskey.
27:02 Andrew Santino? You believe in hell?
27:03 Speaker 07 Yeah.
27:04 Andrew Santino? You do?
27:05 Speaker 07 Oh, yeah.
27:05 Andrew Santino? What about heaven?
27:06 Speaker 07 Yeah, both.
27:08 Andrew Santino? What, anything else, or that's it?
27:09 Speaker 07 As the devil said in the movie Legend, Tim Curry in that rich-
27:13 Andrew Santino? You mean I Am Legend, the Will Smith film?
27:15 Speaker 07 No, no, Legend, the Ridley Scott movie with Tom Cruise.
27:19 Andrew Santino? Not interested, but go ahead.
27:20 Speaker 07 Oh, you've never seen it?
27:21 Andrew Santino? I am not a Ridley Scott-
27:23 Speaker 07 Watch that movie just for the devil. It's the best devil performance in any movie. It's the best portrayal of the devil.
27:30 Andrew Santino? Who plays him?
27:31 Speaker 07 Tim Curry.
27:32 Andrew Santino? Love Tim Curry.
27:33 Speaker 07 And you wouldn't even know it's him, but he even looks weird. He's just got these giant horns, and they, I don't know if they modulated his voice, but he was a theater actor, and he had a very commanding, he knew how to command his physique. And he brought that to this movie, and at one point, Tom Cruise and him are doing battle. And as the devil in this deep, sort of powerful voice, he goes, "Don't you know who I am, boy? Without darkness, there can be no light."
28:06 Speaker 07 And I just thought that's such a profane, like, without darkness, there can be no light. It's so obvious, but to hear the devil say it, it almost made me wanna roll my legs up, like when that witch got crushed by the house. Roll my legs up and then hold my nose and blow, go, and watch my legs roll out like a New Year's Eve party popper. And just do it about 12 times. So, and then my legs, my legs roll.
28:32 Andrew Santino? Roll out and roll back.
28:33 Speaker 07 And then children in the neighborhood can make the whistling noise like,
28:39 Speaker 07 that's how much that devil performance moved me.
28:44 Speaker 07 Kind of the way I'd love to move some eggs all over your face and,
28:47 Andrew Santino? Oh, you wanna put egg on my face?
28:49 Speaker 07 I'd like to put some fried eggs on your face, move them around like chess pieces, and then call you Egg Face. If you want. We don't have to.
28:59 Andrew Santino? How you cooking them?
29:00 Speaker 07 Sunny side up?
29:01 Andrew Santino? No.
29:02 Speaker 07 Okay, then we don't have to.
29:03 Andrew Santino? Over medium.
29:04 Speaker 07 No thanks, I'm busy.
29:06 Andrew Santino? How do you take your steak?
29:09 Speaker 07 In the ass? In, in my mouth. In my mouth!
29:13 Andrew Santino? I knew you were an ass steak guy.
29:14 Speaker 07 Dude!
29:15 Andrew Santino? Dude, the internet for years was like, Harland, I bet you is an ass steak guy. Catch him, trip him up.
29:21 Andrew Santino? Are you hot again?
29:23 Andrew Santino? Seems warm in here, doesn't it?
29:25 Speaker 07 It is warm.
29:25 Andrew Santino? Should we cool it off? Is it fine?
29:27 Speaker 07 Do you wanna dab off or?
29:28 Andrew Santino? I'm alright.
29:29 Speaker 07 Okay.
29:29 Andrew Santino? I don't use other people's hankies.
29:32 Speaker 07 Anyways.
29:33 Andrew Santino? I thought you were gonna wave, hey, boy with those things.
29:35 Speaker 07 Oh, right?
29:36 Andrew Santino? That's your little, hey, boy bit.
29:37 Speaker 07 That's when you get a little older.
29:39 Andrew Santino? You are a little older.
29:41 Speaker 07 Yeah, I am.
29:42 Andrew Santino? You're still a young man.
29:43 Speaker 07 Talk to me about how old I am. I know you've got some stuff.
29:46 Andrew Santino? What are you, 58?
29:46 Speaker 07 What, you wanna make some comments? Go ahead. I'm giving you, I'm letting you. Go ahead, the hair, like, let it rip.
29:54 Andrew Santino? Your hair is beautiful, actually. You have some of the nicest lettuce in the game. You know that, don't you?
29:59 Speaker 07 See, I thought you were gonna insult me, but now you're making me blush.
30:02 Andrew Santino? How could I insult a guy that I respect and love so much?
30:05 Speaker 07 My man.
30:06 Andrew Santino? I love you, fucking idiot.
30:10 Speaker 07 That was very passive aggressive, but I love it.
30:13 Andrew Santino? I talked to Pete Farrelly about you the other day.
30:15 Speaker 07 What happened? Why?
30:16 Andrew Santino? I was just talking to him and I talked about you.
30:19 Speaker 07 You did?
30:19 Andrew Santino? Yeah, cuz you told me that that infamous scene in Dumb and Dumber when you pulled them boys over, that you improv the whole thing. I'll never forget that.
30:25 Speaker 07 Half of it, I improvised half of it.
30:27 Andrew Santino? The whole thing. He even told me that that was true.
30:30 Speaker 07 Well.
30:31 Andrew Santino? That they let you fly pretty free on that movie.
30:32 Speaker 07 Well, he told me to. It was my first movie, so he basically instructed me. I was a bit befuddled because it was my first movie, so I was so sort of terrified. And I had the script and we did it. We did it successfully. The scene like, I think we did it three or four or five times. And then Peter and Bobby literally pulled me to the side and they said, Harland, do it the Harland way now. And I just went, what, what, what do you talk, what, what's the Harland? They go, just do it the Harland way. And then I, in my head, I just went, oh, they just want me to just be me.
31:09 Andrew Santino? Be funny.
31:10 Speaker 07 And do this. It was already funny, but they wanted me to do it to just let it flow.
31:15 Andrew Santino? And you did.
31:15 Speaker 07 And thank God they did cuz I had so much fun. And so what I'm saying is they left 50% of that moment in that movie is right from the script. And 50% was the moment where they just, they let me fly.
31:30 Andrew Santino? Sipping back Grandpa's cough medicine, that's you.
31:33 Speaker 07 That was me.
31:34 Andrew Santino? I know that was you. I can always tell.
31:36 Speaker 07 And you'll like that story cuz it relates to the booze.
31:37 Andrew Santino? Your little pumpkin haircutted freak, that's, that's.
31:40 Speaker 07 That's me.
31:40 Andrew Santino? That's you. I know that's you. I know you.
31:42 Speaker 07 Yeah.
31:43 Andrew Santino? Uh, also, uh,
31:47 Andrew Santino? uh, when you say, give me a sip of that, you little, uh.
31:50 Speaker 07 Pumpkin pie here kinda thing.
31:51 Andrew Santino? No, no, no, but then the other thing you said, uh.
31:56 Speaker 07 I don't know.
31:57 Andrew Santino? I don't remember. You still.
31:59 Speaker 08 Doing a bit of boozing?
32:00 Andrew Santino? Bit of boozing?
32:01 Speaker 07 Oh, yeah, yeah.
32:01 Andrew Santino? That's you.
32:02 Speaker 07 Well, that whole bit go, goes back to my grandfather who used to like to have a drink. Old Irish guy Neil O'Donnell, my grandfather, Irishman. And there were 12 grandkids and we'd all go over for the holidays. And I guess he didn't want the kids to know that he liked to drink a whiskey or whatever it was. So he called it cough medicine. And he called my grandmother, mother. And we'd all be on the floor playing and, and he'd go, mother, bring me another cough medicine. And so she'd bring him a drink, but we weren't idiots. Well, I was, but I sort of got that it was code for.
32:43 Speaker 07 So when I did that scene where I caught Jim and Jeff with the booze. It just popped into my head. Oh, it's booze. It's cough medicine. So that's why I improvised that line. You boys been sucking back on dad and granddaddy's cough medicine. It literally, so whenever someone quotes that to me or brings it up, I think of my dear grandfather Neil O'Donnell.
33:07 Andrew Santino? I wanted to show love for your grandfather.
33:09 Speaker 07 Thank you. It's very sentimental.
33:11 Andrew Santino? I'm a sentimental guy when it comes to you.
33:12 Speaker 07 You are?
33:13 Andrew Santino? Yeah, because I respect you and I love you.
33:15 Speaker 07 Wow, thank you.
33:15 Andrew Santino? Another compliment.
33:17 Speaker 07 Thank you, buddy.
33:18 Andrew Santino? I've got a couple more coming. You have the best sideburns in the game. No one burns like your sides. Nobody burns like your sides.
33:24 Speaker 07 You know what's interesting? That compliment I take with a bit of humility because these aren't, they're not, they're not hair plugs, but what I do is I've, over the years. I've sort of shaved the, I don't know if you get pubes on your ass cheeks.
33:41 Andrew Santino? I do, yeah.
33:41 Speaker 07 Or is it ass hair? I know you get pubes here.
33:44 Andrew Santino? But that's ass pubes.
33:45 Speaker 07 Okay, so what I do.
33:46 Andrew Santino? Anything below the belt is an ass pub.
33:47 Speaker 07 I, I shave, I've, I've collected ass pubes and it's sort of a, sort of a hair plug thing with ass pubes.
33:54 Andrew Santino? It's patchwork.
33:55 Speaker 07 Yeah, cuz you just don't grow these.
33:57 Andrew Santino? Nobody does.
33:58 Speaker 07 You put them on.
33:59 Andrew Santino? But they look good.
34:00 Speaker 07 They look good and why waste ass hair? Put it on your face. That's a tip for, that's a tip for guys watching.
34:08 Andrew Santino? Do the ladies like it?
34:09 Speaker 07 They love it. Oh, I have this one gal. She loves gravy. Everywhere we go, she, she orders a side of gravy.
34:17 Andrew Santino? Everywhere.
34:18 Speaker 07 Every, everywhere we go, even if we go for lobster, you know, people get melted butter, she'll get gravy. And I call her gravy finger Sally and she love.
34:28 Andrew Santino? Don't laugh, dude. He's talking about his personal life.
34:30 Speaker 07 She loves, she's always got drippins, the grizzlins, I call them.
34:35 Andrew Santino? The grizzlins?
34:35 Speaker 07 The grizzlins, and she loves to rub them through my sideburns.
34:39 Andrew Santino? Does she? Do you like it?
34:40 Speaker 07 I don't mind it. Sometimes I'll be out on a windy day, I can smell beef mushroom. And I know it's just the wind wisping through my ass pubes.
34:52 Speaker 07 And sort of carrying, drifting past my nostril. I almost feel like a, like a lion on the Serengeti on the hunt and I pinpoint it.
35:02 Andrew Santino? Stop laughing at his personal stories, dude. I'm sorry about that, Harlan.
35:05 Speaker 07 It's okay. It's kind of hard to communicate when I'm getting ridiculed.
35:09 Andrew Santino? Well, he, that's a big problem with him and guests. We've told him, you have to cut it out, man. I'm serious.
35:14 Speaker 07 I can handle, I mean, I'm used to being laughed at, but it's just.
35:17 Andrew Santino? You're being laughed with.
35:18 Speaker 07 It's, it's one thing when I'm on stage goofing and being funny, but when I'm telling it like a, like a sentimental story, a sincere story. I just don't feel.
35:29 Andrew Santino? Do you not feel comfortable?
35:30 Speaker 07 A little insulting, but I'm a big boy.
35:31 Andrew Santino? You are very big boy.
35:32 Speaker 07 I can handle it.
35:33 Andrew Santino? You're a very big boy. Very big boy. Who's the biggest boy? You the biggest boy?
35:37 Speaker 07 Don't say it like that.
35:38 Andrew Santino? Who's my biggest boy?
35:39 Speaker 07 You know, you're starting to sound.
35:40 Andrew Santino? Who's my big, big boy? Who's my big boy?
35:44 Speaker 07 Starting to sound a lot like my priest. Like, dial it back.
35:49 Andrew Santino? You don't go to church anymore. You quit.
35:50 Speaker 07 Not anymore.
35:51 Andrew Santino? Not after what happened.
35:52 Speaker 07 Not after the big boy talk.
35:58 Andrew Santino? Tell me a joke.
36:00 Speaker 07 Um, okay.
36:03 Speaker 07 I, um, I went out cruising the other night.
36:06 Andrew Santino? West Hollywood?
36:08 Speaker 07 No, I was out looking for girls. And I went down on Hollywood Boulevard, hit about four or five bars. And I found a hottie, like a 12 out of 10.
36:20 Andrew Santino? Whoa.
36:20 Speaker 07 Like, this chick was humming.
36:23 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
36:24 Speaker 07 And I got her home, we're under the sheets.
36:26 Andrew Santino? What's going on in there?
36:27 Speaker 07 And these trannies. They're so like, they look so good. You didn't know, we're rolling around under the sheets, clothes are off, I'm feeling around and I'm trying to be delicate. I go, look, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
36:43 Andrew Santino? Right.
36:44 Speaker 07 But your pussy has a cock.
36:49 Speaker 07 Your clit's about five inches long and there's a mushroom cap on it.
36:53 Andrew Santino? Right.
36:54 Speaker 07 And when I take a, and she was a great guy, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't really for me.
37:00 Andrew Santino? Not your thing?
37:00 Speaker 07 Not my thing. And, and when I go to bed, daddy wants to do the, you know.
37:07 Andrew Santino? What is that? Fist fight?
37:08 Speaker 07 Not, not the other way around.
37:09 Andrew Santino? Oh, knee dough.
37:10 Speaker 07 Yeah. And when, I think you could agree, when we do cunnilingus, us men, we want our tongue to go into the velvet cave.
37:18 Andrew Santino? I've never done it.
37:18 Speaker 07 You've never done cunnilingus?
37:22 Andrew Santino? No, it's against my religion.
37:25 Speaker 00 Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.
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38:26 Speaker 09 Honey, that flu keeping you up? Did you take Nyquil Intense Flu?
38:29 Speaker 10 Nah, I got this. Okay, I don't got this.
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39:06 Speaker 07 Hang on.
39:14 Speaker 07 You make me nervous, guy, when you say you've never licked beaver.
39:17 Andrew Santino? I know.
39:18 Speaker 07 I get a little, that's a $500 wipe, by the way.
39:21 Andrew Santino? I'm just not a big, uh, I've just never, I've never had the chance or the opportunity is really what it is.
39:27 Speaker 07 Let me ask you this, you ever, I'm gonna break it down and make this easy for you.
39:30 Andrew Santino? Please.
39:31 Speaker 07 It's summer, you're 14.
39:34 Andrew Santino? No, I'm 41.
39:35 Speaker 07 Well, I'm, this is a, but we're, you know, I'm trying to set up a hypothetical.
39:39 Andrew Santino? Oh, okay.
39:40 Speaker 07 It's summer, you're 14, you're at the trailer park in Wisconsin with your family.
39:46 Andrew Santino? Yep.
39:48 Speaker 07 There's a little snack shop.
39:50 Andrew Santino? I see it, yeah.
39:51 Speaker 07 You go in, you buy yourself, you open the thing, ice cream sandwich.
39:56 Andrew Santino? Love an ice cream sandwich.
39:57 Speaker 07 You pull it out, it's nice, it's firm, it's got the chocolate wafers with the vanilla ice cream in the middle. You peel off the top half, the bottom half's still in the wrapper.
40:09 Andrew Santino? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:10 Speaker 07 You take a bite, the consistency's all there, it's hard, it's firm, but still malleable. You step outside into the scorching humidity of a, a July day in Wisconsin. Probably the heat index is 103.
40:29 Andrew Santino? Wow.
40:30 Speaker 07 Even the cicadas eyes are boiling. This thing starts dripping like Dolly Parton on a bicycle built for two, but there's three on board.
40:39 Andrew Santino? Okay.
40:41 Speaker 07 Vanilla ice cream dripping through that chocolate wafer, and you realize you just can't bite this hor, this thing anymore. You got to start doing a little licking. And there you go.
40:55 Speaker 07 And that's cunnilingus. That's what it is. Yeah. It's ice cream sandwiches? It's like you've licked an ice cream. What I'm trying to tell you, Bongo Billy, is when you were a kid, did you ever lick an ice cream sandwich? We weren't allowed to have ice cream. Okay. Maybe you haven't done cunnilingus. See? You ever put a cat's tail in a roll of sandpaper and suck on it? That I've done. Then you've done cunnilingus. Okay. On a guy. Wait. Buddy, buddy, you're out of control. Well. You're out of control. So was David Bowie when he went up, Ziggy Stardust. He lost control. When he was a Starman? Yeah, he said, "Ground control, we've lost control," or whatever.
41:38 Speaker 07 "Tell my wife I love her very much," you know, so. Well, that's Elton John. You're not the only one who's. No, that was Ziggy Stardust. "Tell my wife I love her very much. She knows, Major Tom, to ground control, you're suck, it's dead. There's something wrong. Do you hear me, Major Tom?" Do I have to sing the whole song to get my point across? I could. Here am I, sitting in a tin can, far above the moon. Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do. Ding ding, yeah. It's a good song.
42:22 Speaker 07 Well, I was just trying to get a point across. It had nothing to do with the song. Oh, I got lost in the song. Probably got lost in my eyes, too. I'm looking at him right now, so deep, so blue. How deep on a scale of one to 100? 66. Yeah. Yeah, pretty, pretty good. Keep going. That was your average. What was your average score in, in school? What did you grade in school? I only played hockey for two years and I'd get about two goals a game. But you were a defenseman, yeah? Yeah, that's what made it so spectacular. It really was. Yeah, so that was my average score. Favorite hockey player? Your what? She doesn't play anymore. So sorry.
42:59 Andrew Santino? Don't do that.
42:59 Speaker 07 I'm sorry, it slipped. My favorite hockey player.
43:04 Andrew Santino? Who'd you love, the Leafs?
43:06 Speaker 07 No, I'm, I don't have a loyalty to a team. I'm a bandwagon sports guy and I pick my teams when we get to the finals.
43:15 Andrew Santino? Got it.
43:18 Speaker 07 Gump Warsley was a favorite. He was the goalie for the Minnesota North Stars. The last goalie to not wear a mask. And when I was a little boy, my dad took me to Maple Leaf Gardens when I was about six or seven. Took me to see the Minnesota North Stars play the Toronto Maple Leafs at Maple Leaf Gardens. And there was Gump Warsley. I loved him because he looked like Curly from the Three Stooges. He was bald with the buzz cut, no mask in net. So I got to watch an NHL game where a goalie had no mask and he was the, the last goalie to do it.
43:52 Andrew Santino? Well, he died because of a puck to the head. That's, that was.
43:56 Speaker 07 And that was the game I was at.
43:58 Andrew Santino? The game you were at.
43:58 Speaker 07 Yeah.
44:01 Speaker 07 So he was my JFK, Gump Warsley.
44:07 Andrew Santino? I respect your honesty and your storytelling.
44:09 Speaker 07 I respect your underwear hanging on a clothesline.
44:12 Andrew Santino? What color is my underwear right now?
44:14 Speaker 07 Yellow stain with a 14 inch skid mark, white, fruit of the looms, hold on.
44:20 Andrew Santino? No way. Is he gonna guess this right?
44:21 Speaker 07 Waggling on a clothesline in Wisconsin, a hummingbird going through the air, a breakneck speed. His little bill gets stuck right in the fabric. It's like a dartboard with a shit streak. And there's a hummingbird flapping desperately. It's nose stuck in your skid mark.
44:41 Andrew Santino? Really?
44:41 Speaker 07 That's what I'm saying. What are you talk, what do you got?
44:44 Andrew Santino? They're blue.
44:45 Speaker 07 Oh, maybe I'm thinking of your neighbors. Huh.
44:49 Andrew Santino? Don't laugh. You're laughing at him and it's gotten, it's gotten out of control.
44:53 Speaker 07 Yeah.
44:53 Andrew Santino? Apologize for laughing at him.
44:56 Speaker 08 I, I think I have allergies.
44:57 Andrew Santino? Oh, he is, oh, he's allergic.
44:59 Speaker 07 He has laughing allergies.
45:00 Andrew Santino? No, no, he, yeah, no, he's allergic.
45:01 Speaker 07 To what?
45:03 Speaker 08 Some cats.
45:05 Speaker 07 Some cats?
45:06 Andrew Santino? Yeah, not all cats.
45:07 Speaker 07 The bald cats have no dander.
45:09 Andrew Santino? Do you have a bald cat?
45:10 Speaker 07 No, but I've, I, I'm allergic to cats as well. And the bald cat, it's the dander you're allergic to, not the cat.
45:17 Andrew Santino? Who's dander?
45:18 Speaker 07 Dander is a condition in the skin and the fur of a cat.
45:22 Andrew Santino? Hmm.
45:22 Speaker 07 So the bald cats are dander-less.
45:25 Andrew Santino? They're hairless, danderless.
45:26 Speaker 07 And so you can touch them without getting the allergic reaction that you would get if you touched a hairy one.
45:33 Andrew Santino? Are we talking about cats? What are we talking about?
45:35 Speaker 07 I'm talking about Siamese cats.
45:37 Andrew Santino? Oh.
45:39 Speaker 07 Or Siamese twins.
45:40 Andrew Santino? You love those, don't you?
45:41 Speaker 07 I like the fat ones because if you get a rack of ribs and thr-
45:47 Andrew Santino? Stop laughing.
45:48 Speaker 07 If you get a rack of ribs and throw them one way.
45:51 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm.
45:51 Speaker 07 Uh, one of them's almost gonna rip the other twin off. Cause one of them's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's.
46:01 Andrew Santino? You alright?
46:02 Speaker 07 I had a little seizure, I think. Seizure? I barely know her.
46:07 Andrew Santino? No, that's.
46:08 Speaker 07 What the?
46:09 Andrew Santino? It's actually a dangerous medical condition.
46:11 Speaker 07 A seizure?
46:11 Andrew Santino? Do you have seizures?
46:12 Speaker 07 I had a seizure salad.
46:14 Andrew Santino? For lunch?
46:15 Speaker 07 For dinner.
46:16 Andrew Santino? It's noon.
46:17 Speaker 07 I know, but that's where I get disoriented.
46:20 Andrew Santino? Are you okay?
46:21 Speaker 07 I think so.
46:22 Andrew Santino? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?
46:24 Speaker 07 I'd rather you take me to the dollar store.
46:26 Andrew Santino? Well, there's one down the street, but what do you need?
46:28 Speaker 07 Something for 50 cents.
46:30 Andrew Santino? We can get two things then.
46:31 Speaker 07 Yeah, that's why I wanna go there.
46:34 Andrew Santino? Okay, let's go.
46:35 Speaker 07 Okay.
46:36 Speaker 02 In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey.
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47:57 Andrew Santino? What's your guilty pleasure?
48:00 Speaker 07 You James Bond?
48:02 Andrew Santino? That's my Larry King. What's your guilty pleasure?
48:04 Speaker 07 No, that was, what's your guilty pleasure?
48:06 Andrew Santino? What's your guilty pleasure, pussy?
48:12 Speaker 07 That's my guilty pleasure right there.
48:15 Andrew Santino? What do you spend all that money you got in your pocket? What do you spend all your money on? You got so much fucking money. I know you're a rich guy, I've seen your, I've seen your lifestyle. Coke, you spend all your money on Coke?
48:25 Andrew Santino? Do you still get residuals from Dumb and Dumber?
48:27 Speaker 07 Yeah.
48:28 Andrew Santino? You do?
48:28 Speaker 07 Sure, man.
48:29 Andrew Santino? Are they good?
48:30 Speaker 07 No, they're not like hundreds of thousands of dollars, but...
48:34 Andrew Santino? What's the most residuals you get from, from what project that you've done?
48:37 Speaker 07 Well, what is it? Rocketman? Rocket, you get them from, I get them from all of them.
48:41 Andrew Santino? But what's the, what yields the best after all this time?
48:44 Speaker 07 I've done like, I think 50 movies, so I get them from all of them. But obviously the bigger a movie is, the more you get.
48:51 Andrew Santino? Yeah, no shit.
48:52 Speaker 07 But I got some healthy ones from Something About Mary and...
49:01 Speaker 07 That might have been the biggest one was
49:02 Andrew Santino? Something.
49:03 Speaker 07 Something about Mary Rosids.
49:05 Andrew Santino? So good, huh?
49:05 Speaker 07 Yeah.
49:06 Andrew Santino? You could live off of those, couldn't you? Like, if you never worked again, you could just live off of those.
49:09 Speaker 07 None now, because they've, you know, they've been
49:12 Andrew Santino? They taper off.
49:13 Speaker 07 Yeah, they've been like ten, twenty, thirty years old, almost, some of those movies.
49:18 Andrew Santino? Yeah, but that's crazy. You still make money on those things.
49:20 Speaker 07 Yeah.
49:20 Andrew Santino? And you deserve almost none of the money that you make.
49:22 Speaker 07 I don't deserve a damn penny.
49:24 Andrew Santino? God bless.
49:24 Speaker 07 I feel like I should pay them back for wrecking their movie.
49:28 Andrew Santino? Now you're such a good little movie star.
49:30 Speaker 07 Whoa, whoa, guy.
49:32 Andrew Santino? You little movie star.
49:33 Speaker 07 Me too.
49:34 Andrew Santino? No.
49:35 Speaker 07 Wow, me shoe.
49:37 Andrew Santino? When is your, when is your movie come out?
49:39 Speaker 07 Uh, so Wingman is a movie that I wrote and directed.
49:43 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
49:44 Speaker 07 Um, and we're hopefully
49:47 Andrew Santino? You got a lot of our friends in that movie. There's a lot of people that we know in that.
49:50 Speaker 07 Russell Peters, Jamie Kennedy. Um, and I'm hoping, we're looking, hopefully, we've been talking about October.
49:59 Andrew Santino? My birthday.
50:00 Speaker 07 So what I'd love to do is when I actually have a release date, maybe you'll have me back on one of your shows and I can
50:06 Andrew Santino? No.
50:06 Speaker 07 Show a trailer or plug it or
50:08 Andrew Santino? I don't think so.
50:09 Speaker 07 We could watch the whole movie.
50:10 Andrew Santino? This'll be the last time I see you. I won't see you for a long time.
50:12 Speaker 07 We can maybe just block you out.
50:15 Andrew Santino? Oh, you want to put it over me?
50:16 Speaker 07 Just show the whole movie. And we could call it Wingman, the movie Harland asked Andrew to star in, but he was busy doing Sinicky Trinicky.
50:27 Andrew Santino? No, Ricky Sinicky, don't be disrespectful.
50:29 Speaker 07 Okay, I'm not. I don't know how to speak stuffs.
50:31 Andrew Santino? You don't speak stuffs?
50:32 Speaker 07 Not stuffs that are tricky, sticky.
50:35 Andrew Santino? Oh, God. I knew this was gonna be, I knew you were gonna start talking shit, dude.
50:39 Speaker 07 You started speaking tongues.
50:41 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I started that way. That's how I always start the show.
50:43 Speaker 07 Okay.
50:44 Andrew Santino? This show is sponsored by the Illuminati.
50:46 Speaker 07 Ooh, bro. Yeah, I didn't know that.
50:49 Andrew Santino? Really?
50:50 Speaker 07 This might not be the show for me, guy.
50:52 Andrew Santino? Oh, it's the show for you, bud.
50:53 Speaker 07 Whoa.
50:54 Andrew Santino? Let me show for you.
50:55 Speaker 07 Shit.
50:56 Andrew Santino? If you show for me, then I'll show for you.
50:59 Speaker 07 Where would you like to go?
51:01 Andrew Santino? Pacoima?
51:02 Speaker 07 Alright, I'll see if I have enough gas and I'll show for there.
51:06 Andrew Santino? You have an electric car, so you don't need gas.
51:08 Speaker 07 It's a vibrator.
51:09 Andrew Santino? Oh, that's right, sorry. By the way, can you name that song, what that's from? If you show for me, I will show for you.
51:18 Speaker 07 Is it from a soundtrack?
51:21 Andrew Santino? I bet it's in a movie. I'm not, I'm trying to think.
51:23 Speaker 07 Can you do it one more time? If you.
51:25 Andrew Santino? If you show for me, I will show for you.
51:29 Speaker 07 I got it, I got it. It's, can you do it one more time?
51:34 Speaker 07 Give me one hint. Like the, the, the, the, the initials of the artist.
51:39 Andrew Santino? PG.
51:40 Speaker 07 Okay, can you do it one more time?
51:42 Andrew Santino? PG, and it starts with an S. The song starts with an S. It's a weapon. Well, it's a practical tool, but could be a weapon.
51:49 Speaker 07 Gee.
51:55 Speaker 07 Oh, Peter Gabriel.
51:57 Andrew Santino? Come on, dude.
51:57 Speaker 07 Shh, Arizona shitstorm.
52:01 Andrew Santino? Dude.
52:04 Speaker 07 A Peter Gabriel sledgehammer.
52:06 Andrew Santino? Yeah, baby. That song, I, dude, that song hypes me up so hard.
52:11 Speaker 07 It does? I never liked it.
52:13 Andrew Santino? What?
52:13 Speaker 07 I know, and he did that, that really creative animated video. Here's why I didn't like it, you ready?
52:20 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
52:20 Speaker 07 I have a perception of rock stars, the same way I have a perception of supermodels.
52:27 Andrew Santino? Sure.
52:27 Speaker 07 I don't want to go into Sephora, not that I buy makeup.
52:31 Andrew Santino? Yeah, why are you going to Sephora?
52:32 Speaker 07 And see posters of freckles and chunky and bongo eyes. I want to s- I want to see models. I want to see Klum, I want to see Schaefer.
52:44 Andrew Santino? Got it.
52:45 Speaker 07 I want to see Crawford.
52:46 Andrew Santino? Right.
52:47 Speaker 07 I don't need to see, uh, crinkle teeth.
52:50 Andrew Santino? Are you the one who miss crinkle teeth?
52:51 Speaker 07 I don't want to see girls that aren't models.
52:54 Andrew Santino? Got it.
52:54 Speaker 07 So, Peter Gabriel to me looked like an accountant.
52:57 Andrew Santino? He was.
52:58 Speaker 07 For Subway sandwiches. He didn't look like a rock star.
53:01 Andrew Santino? Okay.
53:02 Speaker 07 And so I could never, I couldn't buy it. I need my Axl Rose, I need, I need my black, I need a rock star to be a rock star.
53:10 Andrew Santino? You need your black.
53:11 Speaker 07 I always had trouble with nerds. Doing hit songs, as great as the song may be, I just, the affiliation, the attachment of something that didn't look the way it sounded, always rubbed me the wrong way.
53:26 Andrew Santino? So you can't separate the artist from the art?
53:29 Speaker 07 Sometimes I can't, and Peter Gabriel just, he was one of the, and I hate to, I hate to wee wee all over your childhood delight.
53:38 Andrew Santino? No, I thought that song was, I just loved that song for some reason, it just got me hyped up.
53:43 Speaker 07 Really? Cause it's, it's sort of a bit of a low key song.
53:49 Speaker 07 That opening sting kind of has it, but the rest of the song is, I'm your sledgehammer, like it's not, it's not like, you know, the prodigy smack my bitch up.
54:00 Andrew Santino? Well, that song has a lot of negative stuff in it, and I want positive.
54:07 Speaker 07 Well, sledgehammer, I mean, there's smack your bitch up, and then there's take a sledgehammer to her.
54:11 Andrew Santino? Well, he never hits her with it, he just shows it to her, and if you show for me, I'll show for you.
54:16 Speaker 07 Sledgehammer does a lot more than a slap, so who's the domestic creeper now?
54:21 Andrew Santino? You.
54:22 Speaker 07 Me?
54:22 Andrew Santino? Yeah, you.
54:23 Speaker 07 Okay, thanks.
54:24 Andrew Santino? You're the one with gravy in your fucking sideburns.
54:26 Speaker 07 Assburns.
54:27 Andrew Santino? Ass sideburns, I apologize.
54:30 Speaker 07 Shwank, shwuh.
54:31 Andrew Santino? Did we have the most fun when I did your show and we squirted lotion all over each other? And it was the funniest moment of my entire life.
54:36 Speaker 07 Dude, I've never seen you laugh so hard.
54:39 Andrew Santino? I've never, I haven't laughed that hard in years.
54:41 Speaker 07 Is it okay for two guys to moist your eyes together in the same room?
54:45 Andrew Santino? I think so.
54:46 Speaker 07 It is?
54:46 Andrew Santino? What would be wrong with this?
54:48 Speaker 07 I don't know.
54:49 Andrew Santino? Ooh, this feels gooood.
54:51 Speaker 07 This does feel good.
54:52 Andrew Santino? You want some more?
54:52 Speaker 07 Yeah.
54:53 Andrew Santino? Yep.
54:56 Speaker 07 Okay, perfect.
54:57 Andrew Santino? Nice, that's where you needed it, right up the arm, dude.
55:00 Speaker 07 Lord, you are so good.
55:02 Andrew Santino? Yes, my son.
55:03 Speaker 07 Thank you, God.
55:03 Andrew Santino? Yes, my son. You know, they say it helps if you put it on your glasses.
55:07 Speaker 07 Oh, really?
55:08 Andrew Santino? Yep.
55:09 Speaker 07 I would love some on my face, my face is.
55:34 Andrew Santino? Shh.
55:39 Speaker 07 Okay.
55:41 Speaker 07 Hold on, we need to regroup.
55:45 Speaker 07 Are you kidding me?
55:50 Speaker 04 Holy shit.
55:52 Speaker 07 Is it on my, is it on my lips?
55:53 Andrew Santino? No, it's just a little bit on your glasses.
55:56 Speaker 07 Okay, just a little?
55:57 Andrew Santino? Just a little bit.
55:58 Speaker 07 Oh, thank you, Lord.
56:03 Speaker 07 It was not a planned bit.
56:05 Andrew Santino? No, there was no bit planned.
56:06 Speaker 07 I had this bottle of Nivea cream and that's what I do with my podcast. I have this cubby hole underneath and I'll just put things in it. And for some reason, I had the lotion there and I, in the middle of us talking, I just randomly pulled it out. I did not pre-plan us doing any of that.
56:26 Andrew Santino? No, no bit was planned.
56:27 Speaker 07 And then you sort of guided it to a degree. I gotta give you credit because I just pulled it out and I said, is it okay if two guys do lotion together? And you're like, it's fine. And then you saw my glasses sitting on the table and you were like, you know, it's great if you get it on your glasses. So I saw where you were going. We improvise and...
56:50 Andrew Santino? You're one of the best improvisers I've ever met.
56:52 Speaker 07 Thank you, buddy.
56:53 Andrew Santino? You ready?
56:54 Speaker 07 Yeah.
56:56 Andrew Santino? Are you ready?
56:57 Speaker 07 I'm ready. I'm always ready.
56:59 Andrew Santino? Well, we gotta go. So if we don't go soon, then they're gonna come in here.
57:02 Speaker 07 How many of them?
57:03 Andrew Santino? Thirteen.
57:04 Speaker 07 Can we make it 12?
57:06 Andrew Santino? I can call somebody, but I just don't know how it's gonna work out.
57:09 Speaker 07 Wow, whatever happens, just know that I got your back.
57:14 Andrew Santino? Just know that I got yours.
57:18 Andrew Santino? And meanwhile,
57:20 Andrew Santino? the sandwiches are cooking. So when the press is done, we've gotta open those doors and let those customers in.
57:28 Speaker 07 Okay, I was, I was finished after I said, I've got your back.
57:32 Andrew Santino? Oh, that was, I thought we were...
57:33 Speaker 07 I'm not a long improviser.
57:34 Andrew Santino? I got it, it's very short form.
57:36 Speaker 07 I'm like a sprinter improviser.
57:37 Andrew Santino? All right, here we go. You ready?
57:39 Speaker 07 Yeah.
57:43 Andrew Santino? Hey, where have you been?
57:44 Speaker 07 Oh, I was over there, just three streets over, looking in old Jack Smith's window. He's up to something down in the basement now. I've been trying to tell you for years now.
57:53 Andrew Santino? What do you think he's doing down there?
57:55 Speaker 07 I saw an electric drill, I saw an electric sander, and most of all, I saw a bald Korean child.
58:03 Andrew Santino? A bald Korean child in the basement of his home. What do you think he's doing with him?
58:10 Speaker 07 No, I ended at bald Korean child.
58:12 Andrew Santino? Oh, that was it.
58:12 Speaker 07 I just do short improvs.
58:14 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I forgot about that, sorry about that.
58:15 Speaker 07 You know, don't make me look bad.
58:17 Andrew Santino? Oh.
58:18 Speaker 07 I do.
58:18 Andrew Santino? Hello?
58:19 Speaker 07 Yes?
58:20 Andrew Santino? Where have you been?
58:21 Speaker 07 Oh, hi Carl, I've been grocery shopping. I got all the things you wanted for your wonderful Christmas log cake.
58:27 Andrew Santino? Well, thank you so much, and make sure you don't forget the pine nuts.
58:31 Speaker 07 I won't forget the pine nuts, but don't forget, Dave Anderson from just up the road has an allergy. We don't want to get him sick now for the holidays.
58:40 Andrew Santino? Do you think if he eats a pine nut, he'll die?
58:44 Speaker 07 Idiot.
58:44 Andrew Santino? Oh, that's it, you're done with it.
58:45 Speaker 07 We don't want to. My voice goes up, we don't want to get him sick for the holiday.
58:49 Andrew Santino? I'm sorry.
58:50 Speaker 07 I can't go beyond that.
58:51 Andrew Santino? I understand.
58:52 Speaker 07 Why are you gonna fuck me over sideways for Thursday?
58:55 Andrew Santino? I just want you on your stomach.
58:56 Speaker 07 I know, but God.
58:59 Andrew Santino? Alright.
58:59 Speaker 07 I am a great improver, I'm not gonna take that away from what you said, but I can't do the long ones, or the longies.
59:06 Andrew Santino? You're not a longie guy?
59:07 Speaker 07 I do the shorties.
59:08 Andrew Santino? Where did you get all your training? Where's your formal? That's your formal training at Debra?
59:12 Speaker 07 Night school, not the daytime, I can't be funny at the day.
59:15 Andrew Santino? Daytime's hard time.
59:16 Speaker 07 I do night stuff, yeah, I'm a night. Uh, I'm sort of like Geno Vannelli and Christopher Walken. I walk amongst the creatures of the night, night, night, night, night, night, night. Sort of like, I do an echo reverb when I say night.
59:34 Andrew Santino? Night.
59:34 Speaker 07 So someone would say, "I walk amongst the creatures of the night." Flat, boring.
59:40 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
59:40 Speaker 07 But watch what I do, ready?
59:43 Speaker 07 "I walk amongst the creatures of the night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night."
59:49 Andrew Santino? Pretty good.
59:50 Speaker 07 Right?
59:51 Andrew Santino? Well, some of that tech is missing because you got louder halfway through.
59:54 Speaker 07 Well, it's just, this is what I do.
59:56 Andrew Santino? I think you're trying to say, "I walk amongst the creatures of the night, night, night, night, night, night."
1:00:01 Speaker 07 Yeah.
1:00:02 Andrew Santino? Yeah, see, I did it better than you.
1:00:04 Speaker 07 Oh, did you go to DeVry?
1:00:06 Andrew Santino? I went to University of Phoenix online.
1:00:08 Speaker 07 Online?
1:00:09 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
1:00:09 Speaker 07 Holy god.
1:00:10 Andrew Santino? Just got a computer a couple of years ago. I've been using it like crazy.
1:00:13 Speaker 07 So, are you planning a, like, a walk across Niagara Falls?
1:00:18 Andrew Santino? Uh, yeah.
1:00:19 Speaker 07 Wow, so you really did learn how to go online. Yeah.
1:00:24 Andrew Santino? Stunning.
1:00:26 Speaker 07 Yeah. Well, here's how the Grand Canyon works, right?
1:00:29 Andrew Santino? Hmm.
1:00:29 Speaker 07 It's massive. It's a mile deep.
1:00:31 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
1:00:32 Speaker 07 And I think it's, what, 78 miles long or something?
1:00:36 Andrew Santino? Sure.
1:00:36 Speaker 07 I don't have the numbers. I'm not a number guy.
1:00:37 Andrew Santino? Doesn't matter. Nobody cares.
1:00:38 Speaker 07 You drive up to the precipice.
1:00:40 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm.
1:00:42 Speaker 07 It's overwhelming. You stand there for about 45 seconds to a minute and a half. You go, "Wow." "All right, where's the snack stop? Where's the Arby's? Anybody?" Like, how long can you look at deep?
1:00:59 Andrew Santino? I was there for about-
1:00:59 Speaker 07 How long can you look at wide?
1:01:01 Andrew Santino? Three hours or so.
1:01:02 Speaker 07 Okay, are you a dementoid from the fifth dimension?
1:01:05 Andrew Santino? I was speaking to some of my ancestors.
1:01:07 Speaker 07 Oh, like, spirit talk?
1:01:09 Andrew Santino? Yeah, spirit talk.
1:01:10 Speaker 07 Were you waving incense around on your tampon?
1:01:12 Andrew Santino? (speaking Spanish)
1:01:19 Speaker 07 Wow.
1:01:19 Andrew Santino? Saying hi to my grandmother.
1:01:21 Speaker 07 I had a buddy who once told me his sister was so fat, he took her to the Grand Canyon and she got stuck.
1:01:27 Andrew Santino? In the Grand Canyon?
1:01:28 Speaker 07 Well, that's the joke. You don't have to explain it.
1:01:31 Andrew Santino? Well, what do you mean? She was fat enough to get stuck inside of the Grand- she went down- And she got ballooned so big that she's for her size-
1:01:38 Speaker 07 You're ruining it for the people that were-
1:01:38 Andrew Santino? You're telling me her, the fat was so large that she could touch both sides of the Grand Canyon with her body?
1:01:42 Speaker 07 She got stuck, guy. Why you gotta ruin it for them?
1:01:45 Andrew Santino? Where did she get stuck?
1:01:47 Speaker 07 In the Grand Ca- she's so fat.
1:01:49 Andrew Santino? She's so fat. You're telling me the fat that surrounds her body-
1:01:52 Speaker 07 You're ruining it for them.
1:01:53 Andrew Santino? Okay, I-
1:01:54 Speaker 07 Here's how jokes work, guy. You ever do comedy?
1:01:57 Andrew Santino? Not yet.
1:01:58 Speaker 07 You lay down a concept.
1:02:01 Andrew Santino? Okay, let's do it. Here's a concept.
1:02:04 Andrew Santino? "You're so ugly."
1:02:06 Speaker 07 I am?
1:02:07 Andrew Santino? That's a concept.
1:02:09 Speaker 07 That's reality. Look at me.
1:02:10 Andrew Santino? You're a beautiful man.
1:02:12 Speaker 07 I'm ugly.
1:02:13 Andrew Santino? You're so dumb.
1:02:14 Speaker 07 Yes.
1:02:15 Andrew Santino? That's my concept. What else?
1:02:17 Speaker 07 Oh, uh, you're so smelly.
1:02:21 Andrew Santino? No, you just, you were trying to teach me. You said, "Lay down a concept." I laid it down. You're so dumb.
1:02:25 Speaker 07 You're so dumb that you could make a all-you-can-eat garlic bread festival come to an end.
1:02:36 Speaker 07 That's how dumb you are.
1:02:37 Andrew Santino? How did I end it?
1:02:39 Speaker 07 You just stopped chewing.
1:02:41 Andrew Santino? And, oh.
1:02:41 Speaker 07 Because it wasn't all you can eat.
1:02:44 Andrew Santino? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:02:47 Speaker 07 And if you're wondering why I'm so clever, it's because I walk amongst the creatures of the night, night, night, night, night. Night, night, night, night, night, night.
1:02:57 Speaker 07 Fuck off.
1:02:58 Andrew Santino? Don't tell me to fuck off, dude. You're on my show.
1:03:00 Speaker 07 Suck red hair.
1:03:02 Andrew Santino? Don't.
1:03:03 Speaker 07 Suck red hair.
1:03:04 Andrew Santino? Don't suck red hair, bud.
1:03:05 Speaker 07 Suck red hair and puke fucking manatee gob.
1:03:10 Andrew Santino? Manatee gob?
1:03:11 Speaker 07 I'm just...
1:03:14 Speaker 07 Dude.
1:03:16 Andrew Santino? This is what it's like, by the way, for those of you that are interested in watching Harland Highway. You gotta go over to Harland Highway when you're done with this show and go watch that show. It's sickening.
1:03:25 Speaker 07 Thank you, buddy.
1:03:26 Andrew Santino? It's gross.
1:03:27 Speaker 07 What, wait, I thought that was a compliment, but then it...
1:03:30 Andrew Santino? No, I hate it.
1:03:30 Speaker 07 Oh, you hate, okay, good.
1:03:32 Andrew Santino? It's about the only thing you've done that I actually hate.
1:03:34 Speaker 07 Yeah.
1:03:34 Andrew Santino? More than anything.
1:03:36 Speaker 07 I want it to be the most hated podcast. Like, if there's an award.
1:03:41 Andrew Santino? Yeah, you're gonna win one. A webby.
1:03:42 Speaker 07 I hope so. A what?
1:03:44 Andrew Santino? A webby.
1:03:45 Speaker 07 A webby.
1:03:45 Andrew Santino? Have you ever won an award for any of your shit?
1:03:48 Speaker 07 Ah.
1:03:50 Andrew Santino? Dude, Google that. Has he won an award?
1:03:52 Speaker 07 I don't believe, like, for what?
1:03:54 Andrew Santino? Acting?
1:03:55 Speaker 07 I was nominated once for one of my comedy specials.
1:03:59 Andrew Santino? Were you really? For a Grammy?
1:04:00 Speaker 07 No, it was a Canadian, uh, the Canadian Awards.
1:04:05 Andrew Santino? Not a real thing, though.
1:04:06 Speaker 07 Yeah, true, true.
1:04:07 Andrew Santino? What is it? I wanna know. That's incredible.
1:04:09 Speaker 07 Yeah, it was, uh...
1:04:10 Andrew Santino? As funny and talented as you are, the fact that you haven't won anything is wild to me.
1:04:14 Speaker 07 I sort of don't want to. It's very weird.
1:04:17 Andrew Santino? I know. I don't care. I don't ever care to win. But I, I think, as accomplished as you've been, it's a compliment. I'm shocked that someone hasn't been like disguised.
1:04:23 Speaker 07 You know, I will say this. I, I created an animated series for Disney called Puppy Dog Pals. And that show won a couple of Emmys for obscure like best casting director, but you know the weird like.
1:04:37 Andrew Santino? Sure.
1:04:38 Speaker 07 Best uh voice by a child like.
1:04:40 Andrew Santino? Sure.
1:04:41 Speaker 07 I didn't pers- but the show I created did win.
1:04:44 Andrew Santino? So did you have Emmy? Do you have an Emmy?
1:04:46 Speaker 07 I do not, no. The Emmy, the show, the elements of the show won the Emmy.
1:04:51 Andrew Santino? So who gets that Emmy?
1:04:52 Speaker 07 Like if it was, if it's the casting director, they would get it.
1:04:55 Andrew Santino? That's so fucked. You don't get it. You made the show.
1:04:58 Speaker 07 I created, but in my heart, I'm like, wow, my concept gave birth to a, a way for them to receive accolades, which makes me happy.
1:05:07 Andrew Santino? Dog pals.
1:05:08 Speaker 07 Puppy dog pals.
1:05:10 Andrew Santino? Good for you. What is it?
1:05:11 Speaker 08 It says here you have uh four nominees and one win on IMDb.
1:05:16 Speaker 07 For what? What's the win for?
1:05:18 Speaker 08 You.
1:05:19 Speaker 07 It's gotta be this show.
1:05:20 Speaker 08 Nominees.
1:05:21 Speaker 07 It's gotta be what we're doing right now.
1:05:22 Andrew Santino? This should win something.
1:05:23 Speaker 07 This is a win.
1:05:25 Andrew Santino? This is a W.
1:05:25 Speaker 08 In 2013, you had two nominees for the show Robot and Monster.
1:05:30 Speaker 07 Oh, okay.
1:05:31 Speaker 08 Best male lead vocal performance and best vocal ensemble. Those were two nominations.
1:05:35 Speaker 07 I didn't even know this.
1:05:36 Speaker 08 And 2010 for the, I think it's a movie, Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face.
1:05:42 Speaker 07 Oh, yes, I did win awards for that.
1:05:45 Andrew Santino? For Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face?
1:05:46 Speaker 08 You are nominated.
1:05:47 Speaker 07 And I won, I actually, okay, you got me. But tell me the one that I won.
1:05:53 Speaker 08 And in 2011, you won from the Action on Film International Film Festival Outstanding Cast Performance for Dahmer vs. Gacy.
1:06:02 Speaker 07 Oh, God.
1:06:03 Speaker 08 But it wasn't just for you. You shared it with Erwin Keys, Bonnie Aaron's, Ian Stanberg, Jen Rowan, Jesse Lament, Phyllis O'Rose.
1:06:09 Andrew Santino? That's enough, dude.
1:06:09 Speaker 07 Yeah.
1:06:10 Speaker 08 Adam White, Chris Warren, Art LaFleur. There's a lot of names on this.
1:06:13 Speaker 07 Um.
1:06:14 Andrew Santino? Art LaFleur.
1:06:15 Speaker 07 So.
1:06:15 Andrew Santino? It sounds like Chuck McLure, Chuck McLure.
1:06:18 Speaker 08 Troy McLure.
1:06:18 Andrew Santino? Troy McLure.
1:06:19 Speaker 07 I did an independent.
1:06:21 Andrew Santino? Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face?
1:06:23 Speaker 07 Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face is an indie movie that I.
1:06:25 Andrew Santino? That's indie? That's on the commercial?
1:06:26 Speaker 07 Yeah, I, I, it took me six years to make it and I entered it into a few film festivals. And it actually won the Burbank Film Festival.
1:06:36 Andrew Santino? No way.
1:06:37 Speaker 07 For best sci-fi and it won, I think something out in Oklahoma. I entered it in like four film. And I, I actually won a couple and so thank you for reminding me.
1:06:48 Speaker 08 It says Bobby's in it.
1:06:50 Speaker 07 Bobby Lee is in it. He's in Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face. Yeah.
1:06:53 Andrew Santino? Oh, my God.
1:06:53 Speaker 07 He plays Kangaroo Hands O'Reilly. Yeah.
1:06:57 Andrew Santino? Uh huh.
1:06:57 Speaker 07 Yeah. He was so good, I'll never forget. And what's amazing now, when I think about how elusive Bobby is.
1:07:05 Andrew Santino? Elusive.
1:07:06 Speaker 07 Like, this is when I didn't know him very well. And I just, I said, "Hey Bobby," I called him up, I said, "I have this movie, would you do a part?" He's like, "Oh yeah, man, I'll be there." He showed up, we, we went all the way out to Palmdale, to the desert and shot. He was fantastic, he knew his lines. And now, all these years later, I look how, how hard it is for that guy to even return a text.
1:07:27 Andrew Santino? It's insane.
1:07:27 Speaker 07 I'm like, "How did I get him in Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face?"
1:07:30 Andrew Santino? What year was Fudgy Wudgy?
1:07:31 Speaker 07 But he did a great job, and I love him for it, and he was hilarious.
1:07:34 Andrew Santino? 2010. Oh god, 15 years ago, you got the, you got the old Bobby.
1:07:39 Speaker 07 Yeah, yeah.
1:07:40 Andrew Santino? Now the new one's a hot shot.
1:07:41 Speaker 07 Oh god, I love him, but he's hard to, he's hard to get his hands on.
1:07:45 Andrew Santino? I don't like him.
1:07:46 Speaker 07 Yeah, I can see it in your eyes. Yeah. Why would you?
1:07:50 Andrew Santino? Well, he's my partner. He's my comedy partner.
1:07:52 Speaker 07 It's best to hate him. I think, I think, you know, conflict creates good comedy. So the fact that you hate his living guts, and every cell in his being.
1:08:01 Andrew Santino? Yep.
1:08:02 Speaker 07 I think really is a good breeding ground. You're like a Petri dish of hate.
1:08:06 Andrew Santino? Yes.
1:08:07 Speaker 07 For him, and it's great.
1:08:09 Andrew Santino? And for other people.
1:08:10 Speaker 07 And I think it worked really great. Yeah, for me.
1:08:12 Andrew Santino? No, I love you.
1:08:13 Speaker 07 Well, you hate me so much, you love me. You love to hate me.
1:08:17 Andrew Santino? You pop-drinking, smudged-toothed, snarl-faced, pubed-faced, swollen, triple-chin, broken-neck, wobbling,
1:08:35 Speaker 07 Just fried.
1:08:36 Andrew Santino? gray-beard, flathead.
1:08:38 Speaker 07 Yeah.
1:08:39 Andrew Santino? Thanks for being on the show.
1:08:41 Speaker 07 Well, I'm not done.
1:08:42 Andrew Santino? Oh, you're done, pal. You're done.
1:08:46 Speaker 07 Well, thanks for having me, guy.
1:08:49 Andrew Santino? Go on.
1:08:52 Speaker 07 Yoohoo. Bye.
1:08:59 Speaker 02 In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.
1:09:05 Speaker 03 Oh, that creature in the ginger beard!
1:09:07 Speaker 04 Sturdy, ginger. Like, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers, oh hell no.
1:09:17 Speaker 05 This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.
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