Steph Tolev

Steph Tolev joins Andrew Santino this week, and things go off the rails fast. From filthy stand-up bits to her real-life absurdities, Steph delivers raw, hilarious chaos you don’t want to miss. They talk wild sex stories, bombing on stage, bad tattoos, body hair pride, and so much more. Buckle up, Ginger Gang—this one’s a riot. CHECK OUT HER SPECIAL: FILTH QUEEN OUT NOW ON NETFLIX! 📺 Watch now and hit subscribe for more deep, weird, and funny convos every week on Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino. #WhiskeyGinger #StephTolev #AndrewSantino #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #FemaleComedians #ComediansOfYouTube #StephTolevComedy #FunnyPodcast #CanadianComedian #UnfilteredComedy #ComedianInterview #SantinoPodcast =========================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS LIGHTSTRIKE HARD REFRESHER AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF 5% ALCOHOL https://drinklightstrike.com HOUSE OF ATLAS PROMO CODE: WHISKEY FOR 20% OFF SITEWIDE & FREE SHIPPING https://houseofatlas.com/ HELLO FRESH GET UP TO 10 FREE MEALS! https://hellofresh.com/whiskey10fm ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:36Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid Stand Mixer to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up.

• 0:50Andrew Santino?

  What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. Got a good one for you today. Hey, hey, hey. I'm on the road, I'm on the go. Bobby Lee and I are gonna be in London and Dublin July 18th and 19th. And also, I'm gonna be popping over to a few places. Brea Improv down in Brea, inland California. Punchline in San Francisco. Tempe Improv, Hammond, Indiana. Will also be coming up very soon. So, come see me, go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com.

• 1:18Speaker 02

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:24Speaker 03

  You're that creature in the ginger beard.

• 1:26Speaker 04

  Sturdy and ginger.

• 1:28Speaker 05

  Like this, the ginger genie in the cup. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse.

• 1:35Speaker 03

  Ginger, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.

• 1:43Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Dinner. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I just got back from Italy, that's what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Dinner. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I don't know if I say that wrong, I guess what I mean once again today, it's Chef Tolere. Chef Tolere. Are we gonna talk Italian the whole time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chef Tolere.

• 2:00Speaker 06

  Is that how they talk? It's in Italy.

• 2:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, in Italy, they say, uh, Stefano Tolev. No, in Italy, they'd go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Pervs.

• 2:07Speaker 06

  Really? I gotta, I gotta go to Italy then.

• 2:09Andrew Santino?

  They're all little creepo peoples. No, you don't, dude. You got a loving, beautiful boyfriend?

• 2:12Speaker 06

  I do.

• 2:13Andrew Santino?

  He's a sweet little prince, huh?

• 2:15Speaker 06

  Isn't he sweet?

• 2:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, he's not little at all. He's a big, buff, jacked.

• 2:19Speaker 06

  Big cock.

• 2:20Andrew Santino?

  Big hunk of meat.

• 2:20Speaker 06

  Oh, big fat rod.

• 2:22Andrew Santino?

  Big hunk of meat, huh?

• 2:23Speaker 06

  Just knocks me out with that thing. Just clubs me with the head. Holy Toledo, yeah. Got lumps on my head.

• 2:29Andrew Santino?

  Uh, it's, no, you can't say that about, oh, Toledo any longer.

• 2:31Speaker 06

  Why?

• 2:32Andrew Santino?

  Ohio put out a big thing. They don't want people to do that anymore.

• 2:34Speaker 06

  I love it. It's fun to say.

• 2:35Andrew Santino?

  Hmm, it's, they don't like it. For some reason, Toledo has been in big protest about saying, holy Toledo.

• 2:40Speaker 06

  Come at me, Ohio. I'll take on the whole state. That's fine. I, I, I came in hot today. I came in real hot.

• 2:47Andrew Santino?

  You did?

• 2:47Speaker 06

  I.

• 2:48Andrew Santino?

  You're on the phone with your lawyer in the car?

• 2:49Speaker 06

  I was on, I'm screaming at the phone. I got cut off this morning.

• 2:52Andrew Santino?

  Here, tell me, go ahead.

• 2:53Speaker 06

  I can't tell you what it is.

• 2:54Andrew Santino?

  No, no, but be your lawyer. Say, yell at me. Yell, I'm your lawyer.

• 2:57Speaker 06

  She's so nice. Her name's Grace. She's so sweet.

• 2:59Andrew Santino?

  Oh, we gotta get you a new lawyer. That's not.

• 3:01Speaker 06

  No, I love her.

• 3:02Andrew Santino?

  There are women lawyers these days.

• 3:04Speaker 06

  Hey, oh, not in Italy.

• 3:06Andrew Santino?

  Not in Italy. We ain't got no female lawyers down here. Can they even read?

• 3:11Speaker 06

  Uh, I can't read. I, um, I got cut off this morning. This is how I started my day. Eight AM on the way to my dental office. Shout out to the worst dental pla- Lasting Impressions, worst dental place on the planet Earth. Anyways, don't go there. Thanks, Amir Kay, for sending me there.

• 3:23Andrew Santino?

  Lasting Impressions is the name of the dental office?

• 3:25Speaker 06

  The guy grabs my fucking, my dentist went like this.

• 3:27Andrew Santino?

  Honked your nose.

• 3:28Speaker 06

  Honk, didn't even honk. Didn't say, got your nose went, and tugged it around a bit. And I'm like, excuse me? That's, that's absurd. I don't care how big it is. You can't be honking around with this thing.

• 3:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but that thing does.

• 3:38Speaker 06

  It is a good honker. It's a good honker. I get why you wanna honk it. It's a perfect.

• 3:43Andrew Santino?

  I've been thinking about it since you came in. I was like, man, do I honk? That's why you put a stud in there, so no one will honk it?

• 3:47Speaker 06

  That's what it's, it stops them from doing it.

• 3:49Andrew Santino?

  Someone goes in, you go, come on, come on, don't. You'll rip this right out. You'll rip this right out. So, Lasting Impressions, they honked you over.

• 3:55Speaker 06

  They honked me over.

• 3:55Andrew Santino?

  You gotta go to a dental office where it doesn't have a name. That's how you know it's an adult office. Where it just is.

• 4:00Speaker 06

  Dentist.

• 4:00Andrew Santino?

  Dentist.

• 4:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 4:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 4:02Speaker 06

  Teeth. Mr. Teeth.

• 4:03Andrew Santino?

  Mr. Teeth.

• 4:04Speaker 06

  Doctor Tooth.

• 4:04Andrew Santino?

  Doctor Tooth. You can't, you can't go to a place that has a nickname.

• 4:07Speaker 06

  No, I don't like Lasting Impressions.

• 4:09Andrew Santino?

  Was it by the airport?

• 4:10Speaker 06

  No, it's in fucking Studio C- I don't know. It's way up there. They gave me the men's room key today. I go, can I go to the bathroom? I go, excuse me, men's room.

• 4:17Andrew Santino?

  Well.

• 4:18Speaker 06

  What do you mean, well?

• 4:19Andrew Santino?

  They're not assuming gender anymore.

• 4:21Speaker 06

  I, it, I'm gonna cut two holes in my tits. I'm gonna have just two bare tits walking around wherever I go now. Just full areola, just in everyone's face, go, check these out. Woman.

• 4:30Andrew Santino?

  Suck 'em.

• 4:31Speaker 06

  Suck 'em. Suck 'em dry.

• 4:32Andrew Santino?

  What if he, what if he moved you by your nipples?

• 4:34Speaker 06

  Oh, that I'd be okay with.

• 4:35Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 4:35Speaker 06

  He lifted me up to check on my under, I don't know.

• 4:39Andrew Santino?

  What is that?

• 4:39Speaker 06

  Why is he moving, like, it's insane. Anyways.

• 4:42Andrew Santino?

  So the dentist was bad, but your teeth look nice.

• 4:44Speaker 06

  Well, I went to get a visalign, it's a whole thing, doesn't matter. I get cut off this one.

• 4:47Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean, a visalign? You got straight teeth.

• 4:48Speaker 06

  No, they're all messed up. They're all slut, they're move, this one, it's, it's doing a little dance. It's doing a little squig.

• 4:54Andrew Santino?

  I think they look good. See, my biggest, we've talked about this, my biggest pet peeve is when people fit, I like goofy teeth.

• 5:00Speaker 06

  You can't be too goofy.

• 5:03Andrew Santino?

  Will, Will Ferrell, have you ever seen his bottom teeth?

• 5:05Speaker 06

  Oh, I've seen those bottom teeth.

• 5:06Andrew Santino?

  They're hilarious.

• 5:06Speaker 06

  I wouldn't call those bottom teeth, I'd call that a railroad track on wrong. Those things are rickety crickets.

• 5:11Andrew Santino?

  Dude, they're great. And I think, I think that makes him still Will Ferrell.

• 5:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, but a man can do that.

• 5:18Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 5:19Speaker 06

  Fuck off.

• 5:20Andrew Santino?

  Yes, we can.

• 5:21Speaker 06

  You were commenting on how much, what?

• 5:23Speaker 04

  Margaret Qualley.

• 5:24Andrew Santino?

  Margaret Qualley.

• 5:25Speaker 06

  Who's that? Oh, the girl with the big teeth?

• 5:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she's got big teeth.

• 5:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, but she's a babe. The girl, oh, who's that? I don't know who that is.

• 5:30Andrew Santino?

  That's Margaret Qualley.

• 5:30Speaker 04

  That's fun time in Hollywood, The Substance.

• 5:33Andrew Santino?

  She's got kinda big teeth.

• 5:34Speaker 06

  They're not that big. Relax, they're straight.

• 5:36Andrew Santino?

  No, no, but yours are straight too.

• 5:38Speaker 06

  They're not, look, I, if I have a schnoz like this and I behave as I, as such I do, I gotta have straight fucking teeth, I gotta be thin. You were asking why, you go like you lost weight.

• 5:48Andrew Santino?

  You lose, you, well, you've never been, uh, you've never been to a place, you've never been where I would go, oof.

• 5:55Speaker 06

  Well, you didn't see me when I first moved here, whole hefty magoo.

• 5:59Andrew Santino?

  You were fatty when you moved here?

• 6:00Speaker 06

  Lobby Mclobberson, I was slop, I wasn't fit in this, I was slopping around.

• 6:03Andrew Santino?

  What year did you move here?

• 6:05Speaker 06

  10 years ago.

• 6:06Andrew Santino?

  10 years ago, yeah, I don't remember you like that.

• 6:08Speaker 06

  No, no, I, I was nowhere, I did the alt scene, I was a fat alt pig. That was me.

• 6:13Andrew Santino?

  Please watch Steph's new special, Fat Alt Pig. Steph's got a new special out right now on Netflix.

• 6:18Speaker 06

  Yes, I do.

• 6:19Andrew Santino?

  And it is called.

• 6:20Speaker 06

  Filth Queen.

• 6:20Andrew Santino?

  Filth Queen. Filth Queen is out on Netflix right now. Do yourself a favor, stream it in the background while you're watching and listening to the podcast and switch back and forth. See if you can have, what's that called when you have, when you're, when you can hear, uh, separate, you can divide, you can hear from here and hear from there? People have this, they can, they can listen to two things at once. What is it called?

• 6:37Speaker 06

  What is that?

• 6:38Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, it's like a thing, people can hear twice, they can hear two at once and it's, uh, they can receive this, the data at the exact same time. What's it called?

• 6:45Speaker 04

  Diplococis?

• 6:46Andrew Santino?

  Diplococis, yes, please, uh, all of you out there that suffer or benefit from diplococis.

• 6:51Speaker 06

  That'd be annoying. Picture being in conversation at a coffee shop and just hearing every other-

• 6:55Andrew Santino?

  I'm not listening to you right now, I'm listening to a guy right outside the window, homeless guy.

• 6:58Speaker 06

  It's my lawyer. She's like, "I'm not done with this conversation." Um, "I lost the weight for the special."

• 7:04Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 7:05Speaker 06

  Because I didn't want to be called, uh, look, it's already gonna be unfunny, big-nosed, trans, Penguin from Batman. I'm like, "I can't be fat on top of that."

• 7:13Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 7:13Speaker 06

  We can't, we can't add on the weight, let's just keep it to the main three.

• 7:17Andrew Santino?

  That is true, that's what we say about guys too. What do we say about guys? You can be fat, but you can't be bald.

• 7:22Speaker 06

  Is that what it is?

• 7:23Andrew Santino?

  You can't be fat and bald, you have to pick. You gotta be, you gotta be one or the other. If you're bald as a guy, you gotta be in shape, and if you're fat, you better have a full head of lettuce.

• 7:31Speaker 06

  I like, why do we call it lettuce more?

• 7:33Andrew Santino?

  I love it, I don't know, I always say that, I, I think that's a thing from home, guys always say, "I got my lettuce cut."

• 7:37Speaker 06

  I like that.

• 7:37Andrew Santino?

  I think lettuce is, let's, but we can have a new name for it too. You got noodles.

• 7:41Speaker 06

  Lettuce is fun, I got noodles.

• 7:42Andrew Santino?

  Get your noodle sliced.

• 7:43Speaker 06

  Got an old spaghetti head over here, little spaghetti head.

• 7:45Andrew Santino?

  Dude, spaghetti head would be a great name for a sp- your next album.

• 7:48Speaker 06

  Spaghetti head?

• 7:48Andrew Santino?

  Spaghetti head. Where'd you shoot this special?

• 7:50Speaker 06

  Boston, at the Paradise Rock Club.

• 7:52Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I don't know that.

• 7:53Speaker 06

  I know, it's a fucking rock venue that like Aerosmith, Guns N' Roses, Blondie, like, I think Paula Poundstone may have recorded something years ago there.

• 8:01Andrew Santino?

  He'll look it up. Paula Poundstone at the what?

• 8:03Speaker 06

  Uh, Paradise Rock Club.

• 8:05Andrew Santino?

  That's cool, and who pitched you that, your agent?

• 8:06Speaker 06

  I pitched it that.

• 8:07Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you like it?

• 8:08Speaker 06

  I wanted it to be like a rock club, cause I'm like, I wanted it to be a very rock and roll vibe, but it's modeled off of an old Van Halen live show with the lights and the trellises and shit.

• 8:15Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 8:16Speaker 06

  Well, I already look like I fucking mosh, and I, I did crowd surf at the end of that, if you've watched it.

• 8:21Andrew Santino?

  At the end of your special?

• 8:22Speaker 06

  I, my, look, if you don't like my comedy, I don't give a shit, my cold open is the funniest thing on the planet.

• 8:28Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 8:29Speaker 06

  And I don't even, I don't even think I'm funny, I'm just saying my cold open, I have a dummy. We throw the dummy over the fucking, over Fenway.

• 8:36Andrew Santino?

  Does it look like you?

• 8:36Speaker 06

  Yes, it does. Exactly. We have a mullet wig. We curled it. We cut it exactly like my hair. It's so fucked up. It's very fun. Because Bill, Bill produced it.

• 8:45Andrew Santino?

  William Burr produced it. You can't say Bill anymore. Now he's on Broadway. It's William Burr now.

• 8:49Speaker 06

  I just saw him on Broadway.

• 8:50Andrew Santino?

  How was it?

• 8:51Speaker 06

  So fucking good.

• 8:52Andrew Santino?

  I know. I'm supposed to go-

• 8:52Speaker 06

  Holy shit.

• 8:53Andrew Santino?

  I texted him and I said, "Can I come see you, I think the only day I have free is on your birthday." And I said, "Can I come see it on your birthday? Are you gonna be performing?" And he said, "Yeah, uh, let me know." And then I thought, "Do I wanna see him on his birthday?" Perform?

• 9:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's special.

• 9:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you know him.

• 9:11Speaker 06

  Just sitting there all cute.

• 9:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he'll, yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 06

  I'm embarrassed. I might have been-

• 9:14Andrew Santino?

  Dude, you know how much fucking older I am now? Like, "Oh, no." "You should have come on your birthday."

• 9:19Speaker 06

  No.

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  No, no, I do wanna go see it, though. I've heard it's very good.

• 9:22Speaker 06

  Him and Kieran, I thought, were like, the best.

• 9:24Andrew Santino?

  Phenomenal?

• 9:25Speaker 06

  I feel bad. Everyone, obviously, everyone's great on it, but like, I, you know, when you see someone out of context like that, doing something that crazy.

• 9:31Andrew Santino?

  Powerful.

• 9:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 9:32Andrew Santino?

  Coincidentally enough, we had David Mamet on, um, Bad Friends, what, a week, whatever, a week ago or something like that. Do you know who that is, David Mamet?

• 9:40Speaker 06

  No, he wrote the play.

• 9:41Andrew Santino?

  He wrote the play, yeah. Pretty incredible, when you think about it. That thing is from, am I wrong? Is it, it's 1984? When did he write that thing? Eighty-three. You're close. Eighty-three.

• 9:51Speaker 06

  Oh, wow.

• 9:51Andrew Santino?

  And that, and it still holds up. Because that's a-

• 9:53Speaker 06

  Best being over here.

• 9:53Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's a conversation that we had about, "No, because I really just love that movie." I don't, I don't know plays. I'm not good at that stuff. But I do know, I remember how much I love that movie. And I had a conversation the other day about what holds up in comedy. Like, if you go back and watch old specials that you loved when you were a kid, what holds up, or what? To think like that play still has weight-

• 10:11Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 10:12Andrew Santino?

  Forty years later is crazy to me. I mean, whatever. Plays, right. Cats, they're still running fucking cats.

• 10:17Speaker 06

  But you know what's bizarre? The, the part with Alec Baldwin in the movie, it's not in the play.

• 10:22Andrew Santino?

  Because he shoots somebody?

• 10:24Speaker 06

  I, I don't know, I was wait, no, that, that part apparently was never in the play. They added it into the movie.

• 10:28Andrew Santino?

  That's right, yeah, the whole scene of the coffees for closers, yeah.

• 10:31Speaker 06

  I've been waiting for that scene.

• 10:32Andrew Santino?

  Didn't come out, didn't happen.

• 10:33Speaker 06

  And here's the problem, I got a little, had a couple sips before, we didn't really know we were gonna get in.

• 10:37Andrew Santino?

  Someone was a bad girl?

• 10:38Speaker 06

  I was good, no, I was so embarrassing, I went with Jefferson, we met the drummer, or the bass player from Anthrax, he was sitting beside us, just, I knew that he was there to see Bill, cause he's got long hair and him and his wife were chatting, me and Jefferson, anyways. After the show, we go backstage, and I'm...

• 10:54Andrew Santino?

  When she says Jefferson, you're talking about Thomas Jefferson.

• 10:55Speaker 06

  I'm talking about my boyfriend, I dug up his bones, I put some like paper mache to make it skin around him, I was very sad and alone.

• 11:02Andrew Santino?

  There was a Canadian came out, you said mache, by the way.

• 11:04Speaker 06

  Mache, pepper mache. So we go to the, we go to the backstage, and I'm like, I'm buzzed, but I'm trying to act like I'm not.

• 11:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:12Speaker 06

  So I'm, you know, trying to be funny back there, a little too funny, and I'm being annoying, and then Jefferson's like, he know, he's an actor, he was studying Broadway, he does a bunch of shit, so he's like, asking Bill, he's like, so when you got into the character, like, and he's asking these profound questions, and I'm like, listen to this pussy, and like, no, and Bill's like, come on, I was just so embarrassed after, I was like, this is, and then Bob Odenkirk walked in and knew who I was, I was like, there's my boy, and I'm like, what am I doing right now, I'm acting absurd.

• 11:35Andrew Santino?

  No, you're acting just how you always are, that's you.

• 11:38Speaker 06

  Ew, is it?

• 11:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you're absurd in a good way, this is who you really are.

• 11:42Speaker 06

  I'm gonna text Bill and be like, I'm sorry.

• 11:44Andrew Santino?

  No, yeah, no, he'll go, no, no, that was great, not dude.

• 11:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, it was great, yeah.

• 11:47Andrew Santino?

  I like your fucking energy coming in, blowing up my shit backstage.

• 11:50Speaker 06

  That's exactly what happened.

• 11:51Andrew Santino?

  I, I imagine Bill's green room has nothing on the walls, or his, his dressing room, nothing on the walls.

• 11:56Speaker 06

  Drum kit.

• 11:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, drum kit, yeah, that does sound right. What would be in your dressing room if you did Broadway?

• 12:00Speaker 06

  Oh, fuck, a pile of cheesies, just a big inflatable tub of goo, uh...

• 12:07Andrew Santino?

  Some stagehand being like, you're not gonna believe this, Steph wants, and all her furniture made out of cheezits, so we have to get it done.

• 12:13Speaker 06

  Just coming up, just gnawing on the chair, I'm starving, what the fuck, what do I have, I don't know, probably...

• 12:17Andrew Santino?

  What's in your rider right now, when you do...

• 12:19Speaker 06

  Nothing, a sugar-free Red Bull and a veggie tray.

• 12:22Andrew Santino?

  That's it.

• 12:22Speaker 06

  That's it, I feel bad making these people go out and get stuff.

• 12:26Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's our job.

• 12:27Speaker 06

  I know, but what's in yours?

• 12:29Andrew Santino?

  What do we have, we have, uh, two Faberge eggs that must be placed equidistant from each other, and like, no, we don't have, no, we have water, we have water, popcorn, I like popcorn, and we have water... Yeah, I love popcorn.

• 12:40Speaker 06

  Before a show, the kernels?

• 12:41Andrew Santino?

  No, see, you know what, it's good to snap, but they're never gonna see it, they're not like right next to me.

• 12:44Speaker 06

  But no, but wouldn't you feel it the whole time when they're at you?

• 12:47Andrew Santino?

  It gives me something to focus on other than the jokes.

• 12:51Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 12:52Andrew Santino?

  No dude, it's uh, I like to snack on popcorn because I don't want to eat a meal before the show. And then, then after the show, we go to eat dinner, but the gap is so big. So it's like popcorn just fills me up.

• 13:01Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 13:02Andrew Santino?

  Right, so popcorn, veggie tray, water, that's it, right?

• 13:04Speaker 04

  Sugar Free Red Bull for Bob.

• 13:05Andrew Santino?

  Bobby always has Sugar Free Red Bull when we tour together. But he gets a case of it, and he'll, that'll be gone. Yeah, he'll get a case of it. We have to.

• 13:12Speaker 06

  That's your heart.

• 13:14Andrew Santino?

  Well.

• 13:16Speaker 06

  He's thin now.

• 13:17Andrew Santino?

  He lost a lot of weight, dude. Ozempic worked. And you're no Oz. By the way, for the record, people want to, people, people that are curious, she did this Al Nateral.

• 13:24Speaker 06

  I did. And I will say.

• 13:25Andrew Santino?

  No booze, good food.

• 13:27Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:28Andrew Santino?

  Working out?

• 13:28Speaker 06

  Yeah, working out non-stop. I will say, I kinda wish I did the Oz, because this is a nightmare. I, it's so much harder.

• 13:35Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 13:35Speaker 06

  I hate the gym. I'm not those people that go, I'm infuriated the whole time I'm there.

• 13:40Andrew Santino?

  What gym do you go to?

• 13:41Speaker 06

  I go to the AIDS gym. I call it the AIDS gym because it's attached to the AIDS clinic. On, no, in Hollywood.

• 13:45Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah.

• 13:46Speaker 06

  East Hollywood.

• 13:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the, the uh.

• 13:48Speaker 06

  AHF clinic.

• 13:48Andrew Santino?

  AHF clinic, yeah.

• 13:49Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's where I go. You go there?

• 13:51Speaker 04

  No, but I used to live right there.

• 13:52Andrew Santino?

  He used to live right over there.

• 13:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:54Andrew Santino?

  You go to the AIDS gym?

• 13:54Speaker 06

  Go to the AIDS gym, reeks in there. Bunch of gay men, no deodorant. The only good thing is I don't get bugged.

• 14:00Andrew Santino?

  What, do gay men not use deodorant? What does that even mean?

• 14:02Speaker 06

  As if I'm like, as if every time I walk around, guys are like, I'm gonna suck those little tits.

• 14:06Andrew Santino?

  You go to Equinox and they just kick you out?

• 14:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, they're like, ew, you fat pig, get out of here. Go on Ozempic before you get back and get a nose job, you piece of shit.

• 14:14Andrew Santino?

  Did you see that fat alt pig on the Stairmaster?

• 14:18Speaker 06

  We thought that was a tub of goo.

• 14:20Andrew Santino?

  Jefferson goes with you to the AIDS gym?

• 14:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, and then he gets checked out.

• 14:23Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:24Speaker 06

  Well, I mean, he's a beefy boy. And he's got a big ass.

• 14:27Andrew Santino?

  He does have a thick shitter. He does have a big shitter.

• 14:30Speaker 06

  It's a fat honker back there. I love it.

• 14:32Andrew Santino?

  Now, when are you guys uh?

• 14:34Speaker 06

  Well, I tell him. I would love it. I'm about to make him do it.

• 14:38Andrew Santino?

  Because you guys have been together now for, let me guess? Two and a half years.

• 14:43Speaker 06

  No, a year and a half.

• 14:44Andrew Santino?

  It feels like longer.

• 14:45Speaker 06

  I know.

• 14:46Andrew Santino?

  You guys act like it's longer.

• 14:47Speaker 06

  We do, because we really get along.

• 14:49Andrew Santino?

  You moved in?

• 14:50Speaker 06

  Oh yeah, right away. He was moving here, I'm like, I'm not going to fucking Culver City and sniffing your ass and five other men that have a porta potty that has like stains on it, I'm not coming here.

• 14:58Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 14:58Speaker 06

  Come to my house, move in, I have a good, I have a nice house.

• 15:00Andrew Santino?

  He moved into, you didn't get a place together, he moved into yours.

• 15:02Speaker 06

  I have a two bedroom for eighteen hundred dollars in East Hollywood. Never leaving. Laundry, front yard for the dog to piss and shit in.

• 15:08Andrew Santino?

  Well, what you knew, well, I think once you do, do the thing, you do gotta move to a place that's yours together.

• 15:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, no, I need to get the fuck out of there. I want a house.

• 15:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, because he's also knows all the guys that have run in there with you and just banged you.

• 15:18Speaker 06

  Well, don't bring that up.

• 15:22Speaker 06

  Hey, we can keep that. He's my first one. Wink.

• 15:26Andrew Santino?

  You know how people measure their kids' heads on the doors, door line as they grow up? You know, you've just got little dicks on the...

• 15:31Speaker 06

  But they'd be really low to the ground, really low, pretty much just in the baseboard. Dirty baseboard.

• 15:36Andrew Santino?

  A lot of baseboard dicks, until now.

• 15:38Speaker 06

  Disgusting, I know.

• 15:39Andrew Santino?

  Until now.

• 15:40Speaker 06

  I'm so happy. His penis might be one of my favorite parts of his body.

• 15:43Andrew Santino?

  Come on.

• 15:44Speaker 06

  I love it so much.

• 15:45Andrew Santino?

  What about his brain?

• 15:46Speaker 06

  It's fine, I just suck on, I suck, I've never sucked a penis more than I've sucked on his.

• 15:50Andrew Santino?

  God bless.

• 15:51Speaker 06

  I know.

• 15:52Andrew Santino?

  God bless.

• 15:52Speaker 06

  I gotta work hard, though. Here's the thing, I, I know he's too hot for me, so I gotta really try.

• 15:57Andrew Santino?

  Why you say that?

• 15:57Speaker 06

  I'm huffing that dick.

• 15:59Andrew Santino?

  Why do you say that?

• 15:59Speaker 06

  I got a crick in my neck the other day.

• 16:01Andrew Santino?

  You don't think...

• 16:01Speaker 06

  I had to use an icy hot patch. I'm not even playing. I sucked his dick so hard, I was like, ah, I couldn't turn my head for two days.

• 16:06Andrew Santino?

  You guys, you don't think you're not, you're on an equal playing field?

• 16:08Speaker 06

  No, I think he's way better looking than me.

• 16:09Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 16:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 16:10Andrew Santino?

  Does he think that?

• 16:12Speaker 06

  Well, he looks at himself in the mirror a lot, so I guess so.

• 16:14Andrew Santino?

  Does he?

• 16:15Speaker 06

  He does, and it drives me mentally ill.

• 16:17Andrew Santino?

  Where did he grow, where did he move from? He grew up where?

• 16:19Speaker 06

  Upstate New York.

• 16:20Andrew Santino?

  Oh, upstate New York. What do we, how far up?

• 16:22Speaker 06

  Up, up, like Romulus. He's homeschooled, born again Christian.

• 16:27Andrew Santino?

  Oh no.

• 16:29Speaker 06

  No, he's, I love him so much. If I looked like him, I'd look at myself.

• 16:32Andrew Santino?

  You're no schooled.

• 16:34Speaker 06

  I'm no schooled.

• 16:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 06

  I grew up in Bulgaria in the slums. They pulled me out of the river one day, they're like, what is this? I'm like, my nose kept me afloat, that's the, so, they're like, what's that shark in the water? Just my nose.

• 16:48Andrew Santino?

  But you're a Canadian, you're a Canadian kid now, are you happy that you're in the States versus Canada?

• 16:53Speaker 06

  Legally, I have to say that. Because at this point, when this comes out, we'll either know if I'm a citizen or not. I applied to be dual citizen.

• 17:01Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 17:01Speaker 06

  Because I'm terrified right now, because, uh...

• 17:04Andrew Santino?

  Because ICE is getting me out of here.

• 17:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, getting...

• 17:06Andrew Santino?

  You got a green card?

• 17:07Speaker 06

  I have a green card, but people are coming across the border, and, uh...

• 17:10Andrew Santino?

  But you're... but you also... Can't you get... don't you get... I don't know how it works, uh, because I'm born in this great country. Uh, America first? Are you? Wait, how does it work that you... so, when you get jobs, though, doesn't it reinstate your green card? When you work, like, you have a...

• 17:24Speaker 06

  No, you have a green card for ten years. And then, within the ten years, you have to, uh, apply to get, like, renewed.

• 17:29Andrew Santino?

  Or citizenship.

• 17:30Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 17:30Andrew Santino?

  But you said...

• 17:31Speaker 06

  But I'm staying dual, because I'm not losing my Canadian passport.

• 17:33Andrew Santino?

  Why is that?

• 17:35Speaker 06

  Because I love Canada.

• 17:36Andrew Santino?

  But you live here, and you'll live here for a long time.

• 17:37Speaker 06

  Yeah, but at some point, I want to go back there.

• 17:39Andrew Santino?

  Do you?

• 17:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think so.

• 17:40Andrew Santino?

  Does he?

• 17:41Speaker 06

  No. We haven't really talked about that. No, we want to buy a house, probably, like, upstate New York or something at some point.

• 17:47Andrew Santino?

  Where in Canada could you be if you could be anywhere for the rest of your life? Where would you retire in Canada?

• 17:52Speaker 06

  Probably Vancouver.

• 17:53Andrew Santino?

  It's great, isn't it?

• 17:54Speaker 06

  It's fucking beautiful.

• 17:55Andrew Santino?

  What's the one big problem about Vancouver, though?

• 17:57Speaker 06

  They're fucking losers.

• 17:58Andrew Santino?

  Well...

• 17:58Speaker 06

  All the money.

• 17:59Andrew Santino?

  More specific. Yeah, it's expensive.

• 18:01Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, I know, I was like, well, they go to bed at 5:00 PM.

• 18:02Andrew Santino?

  Let's say, on the count of three, our biggest problem with Vancouver. One, two, three. The Chinese!

• 18:08Speaker 06

  I knew you were gonna say... I knew you were gonna say that! I knew you were... that's why I said it! Damn it, there goes all my Chinese followers! I knew you! That's the only reason I said it, because I'm good at improv!

• 18:20Andrew Santino?

  Dude, that's so funny.

• 18:21Speaker 06

  Yes, and...

• 18:21Andrew Santino?

  That's so funny, dude.

• 18:23Speaker 06

  I knew... I knew exactly!

• 18:27Speaker 06

  Oh, fuck, I'm cancelled.

• 18:28Andrew Santino?

  We love them.

• 18:29Speaker 06

  We love them!

• 18:30Andrew Santino?

  We love the Chinese!

• 18:31Speaker 06

  Oh, god!

• 18:32Andrew Santino?

  We wish they would stay in Vancouver. No, no, it is... I love Vancouver. I've always... I've always had a big crush on Vancouver. My issue is, um, the secret's out. It's so populous, it's so expensive and packed, you're like, oh, the secret's out.

• 18:46Speaker 06

  Secret's out, and it's never going back. And I... there... the nightlife, it's only gonna go out at night, but it does end, everything ends so early. It's like, early like 6:00 PM, it's like dinnertime.

• 18:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but as we get older, that's what we need. What are you right now, 32? What are you?

• 18:57Speaker 06

  I'm gonna suck your ass right now.

• 18:59Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 18:59Speaker 06

  I'm 40 years old, thank you so much.

• 19:00Andrew Santino?

  Are you really?

• 19:01Speaker 06

  I am.

• 19:01Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow, I thought you were younger than me.

• 19:02Speaker 06

  It's the bangs.

• 19:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 19:03Speaker 06

  It's the bangs, they really hurt.

• 19:04Andrew Santino?

  No, but you look good.

• 19:04Speaker 06

  Brett Moran's younger than me, and I don't know why, I got, like, suicidal thinking about that. No offense, Brett Moran, but I'm like... Why, he died.

• 19:11Andrew Santino?

  By the way, that's worse than the Chinese comment we just made.

• 19:13Speaker 06

  Why, doesn't he look older than me? Fred Moore doesn't look 38.

• 19:17Andrew Santino?

  I should call him right now.

• 19:18Speaker 06

  Call him up, put him on FaceTime, take a peek at that head. I don't know what to tell you. I see he's at the improv today and I went up and I go, "That guy's younger than me." And the crowd did not like it either. The way, the way in which you guys aren't enjoying it. I just thought that I looked, you know, I feel my hair.

• 19:32Andrew Santino?

  How much older do I look than you, though? I look way older.

• 19:34Speaker 06

  I thought we were the same age.

• 19:34Andrew Santino?

  We are. I'm 12, 42.

• 19:36Speaker 06

  It's because you don't do botox. I do.

• 19:38Andrew Santino?

  Oh.

• 19:39Speaker 06

  Not a lot, I just, I zip it up.

• 19:40Andrew Santino?

  But the thing, you know what the thing about botox is, to me, is you see people that do it, and it looks really good sometimes on people. I don't have the, I would, I couldn't do it. But I see people do it and it looks good. And then you see people keep doing it, and keep doing it, and keep doing it. What's the cutoff?

• 19:55Speaker 06

  No, there's a problem, that's the biggest problem right now, especially with filler.

• 19:58Andrew Santino?

  What's the cutoff?

• 19:58Speaker 06

  They, people think it's going with, they have to stop. Because you would not know I had it.

• 20:02Andrew Santino?

  No, I have no idea.

• 20:03Speaker 06

  You know, you know Chloe did it.

• 20:03Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 20:04Speaker 06

  I, I got a couple Zorps here, two Zorps here, that's it. It lasts like five months.

• 20:07Andrew Santino?

  But then how, one, what's the cutoff for you when you're gonna stop doing it?

• 20:11Speaker 06

  I'm gonna keep doing it forever.

• 20:12Andrew Santino?

  Oh, seriously?

• 20:13Speaker 06

  Well, no, I'm gonna be a grandma with some fucking no wrinkles. The second I get like old as hell.

• 20:16Andrew Santino?

  You see these women that do it, they do it till they're from...

• 20:18Speaker 06

  Well, what's her name? Jenner just got a whole new face.

• 20:20Andrew Santino?

  Who?

• 20:20Speaker 06

  I don't know, one of the, the mom of the Jenners.

• 20:22Andrew Santino?

  Caitlyn Jenner?

• 20:24Speaker 06

  Not that mom.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  Chris.

• 20:25Speaker 06

  Chris, whatever her fucking name is. I don't know why I saw this.

• 20:28Andrew Santino?

  Wait a minute, wait a minute.

• 20:28Speaker 06

  I don't know, all these people, she's just got a whole new...

• 20:30Andrew Santino?

  Aren't all the Jenner kids? That's Caitlyn's kids.

• 20:33Speaker 06

  I don't know these people.

• 20:35Andrew Santino?

  Right?

• 20:35Speaker 06

  I just saw...

• 20:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, Caitlyn and Chris. The two, the younger ones.

• 20:39Andrew Santino?

  Which one's the mom?

• 20:40Speaker 04

  Chris.

• 20:41Speaker 06

  Okay, Cr...

• 20:42Andrew Santino?

  That's the one, that's the, that's the, that's the one that's on the show. That's the one.

• 20:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, the one who like orchestrated the sex tape and everything.

• 20:49Andrew Santino?

  So sick, that's so cool, dude. Where was my mom? I was out here struggling for 17 years before I could ever get on. Could've made a sex tape, ma.

• 20:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, what the heck?

• 20:57Andrew Santino?

  Sped it up. So what, she, uh, the Kris Jenner got a lot of botox?

• 21:01Speaker 06

  Her, she got a whole new face.

• 21:02Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow.

• 21:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, there's like a whole new rejuvenation thing right now where they're like, I don't know. That's too far.

• 21:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we gotta get old, it's nice to get old.

• 21:08Speaker 06

  No, I wanna get old, I'm like, I'm, under here it's old as hell, I can't have bangs forever. Look at her face, look at her. That's, that, that's what she looks like now.

• 21:15Andrew Santino?

  That's Ciara, right? Isn't that Ciara? The rap, the-

• 21:18Speaker 06

  That's Kris Jenner. That's the 70-year-old woman. That's, they've given her a new face. It's Face Off.

• 21:22Andrew Santino?

  Good for her, Face Off.

• 21:23Speaker 06

  It's that movie Face Off. That's what, they gave her a new face.

• 21:25Andrew Santino?

  Where's John Travolta when you need him?

• 21:27Speaker 06

  I met him.

• 21:28Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 21:28Speaker 06

  Weird.

• 21:29Andrew Santino?

  Where?

• 21:29Speaker 06

  At the store like five months ago. He was there with Brittany Furlan and, um, or soon to be ex-spoused. Uh, Tommy, Tommy Lee. It's all over, it's all over TikTok. Anyways, I went to shake his hand. Tommy, not Tommy, shake, uh, just roll his hand. Big head, square head on the face.

• 21:44Andrew Santino?

  Big head.

• 21:44Speaker 06

  And I was like, hello? And he wouldn't let, I was like, oh, oopsies? And he wouldn't let-

• 21:47Andrew Santino?

  Didn't let go.

• 21:48Speaker 06

  Ooh, long.

• 21:49Andrew Santino?

  Ooh.

• 21:49Speaker 06

  Firm.

• 21:50Andrew Santino?

  Was he good-looking?

• 21:50Speaker 06

  Weird. No, the big head.

• 21:52Andrew Santino?

  Big head.

• 21:53Speaker 06

  I couldn't get past the head. Size of this chair.

• 21:55Andrew Santino?

  Who's your bi, who's your Hollywood crush?

• 21:57Speaker 06

  Jon Hamm.

• 21:58Andrew Santino?

  So fast.

• 21:58Speaker 06

  I had that so fast. I knew, I was like, Jon Hamm.

• 22:00Andrew Santino?

  Lightning bolt.

• 22:01Speaker 06

  Oh, it's, it's been, and, and Chris Maloney.

• 22:04Andrew Santino?

  Did you watch it? Who's Chris Maloney?

• 22:06Speaker 06

  Elliot Stabler.

• 22:07Andrew Santino?

  Again, I'm lost.

• 22:08Speaker 06

  Law and Order SVU Elliot Stabler. You don't, he was in What Hot American-

• 22:12Andrew Santino?

  Law and Order?

• 22:13Speaker 06

  What Hot American Summer.

• 22:14Andrew Santino?

  I'll watch one of them. I'll watch Law or I'll watch Order. I'm not watching both. Let me see, let me see what this guy looks like.

• 22:18Speaker 06

  You know Chris Maloney. You're gonna know him exactly.

• 22:21Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Chris Maloney Maloney. I know that guy. He's great.

• 22:24Speaker 06

  He's great.

• 22:25Andrew Santino?

  Okay, bald, in shape.

• 22:26Speaker 06

  Yes, see, there you go.

• 22:27Andrew Santino?

  This is my thing. You gotta, it's one or the other.

• 22:31Speaker 02

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 22:34Andrew Santino?

  I gotta tell you about Light Strike. Light Strike is the ultimate party pacer, huh? You want something else to sip on? This is it. Orange Mango. That's me. That was my nickname in high school. Orange Mango. This is combining coconut water, sea salt, and 5% ABV. All right? That's pretty good. Shockingly smooth drinking experience and delicious. They got old-school flavor, a lot of that lemon lime, but I like the Orange Mango. You wanna buy something? Buy the, the Orange Mango. Light Strike lives for the double take. People are like, what is that? That's cool. I like that bottle. Does it taste good? It does. It's also non-carbonated and gluten-free. You're not gonna get those bubbles like all these competitive bubble brands now.

• 23:06Andrew Santino?

  Uh, so young, young male, female, and whomevers, if you're looking to pace out a party and sip something delicious without the bubbles and the carbonation and the nonsense, you gotta get Light Strike. It's also gluten-free for those of you that need it to be. Uh, and it's got sea salt and 10% coconut water, so you're hydrating while you're having fun. Okay? While you're having- A good time, you gotta have an even healthier hydrated time. All right, lemon lime, orange mango, resealable bottle. You know, such controls how you party. Visit drinklightstrike.com to find some and follow at Drink Light Strike on social media. Light Strike, hard refresher and excellent source of 5% alcohol. Get yourself some Light Strike. It's the first hard beverage built to play the long game. Excellent source of 5% alcohol.

• 23:51Andrew Santino?

  Visit drinklightstrike.com to find out more. You've been using a razor for a long time to shave that face. Usually it was your dad's or whatever was left over in the shower. And I gotta tell you, that's where House of Atlas comes in to play. All right, you moved on, you grew up, so did your razor. You need to. House of Atlas is the newest shaving brand on the block from the creators of the Athena Club, leading in women's razors, by the way. My lady loves Athena. So yeah, they know what they're doing. It is hands down the best looking razor that I've ever seen and owned. Sleek, smooth. Look, your boy's got a beard, but I gotta clean up them edges. And I've been coming off the road. I need to clean up my face because I'm going out to a nice fancy dinner tonight with someone who will hopefully, hopefully work with me in the future.

• 24:34Andrew Santino?

  Probably not gonna happen, but I'll still look good, thanks to House of Atlas. All right. The razor does look incredible and the blades are stabilized, so they don't bend under pressure. Smooth, even, clean shave. Coolest part is the precision trim edges revealed by flipping back the serum strip for straight edges and detailing. Pretty cool. Their shave cream is great, very thick too, very smooth. It doesn't burn like those old school Kevin McCallister shaving oils, post shave, after shave. It was basically just alcohol is all it was. And the premium razor kits come with a magnetic storage hook that you can attach to your bathroom mirror, medicine cabinet for easy storage. So look, you need to upgrade.

• 25:18Andrew Santino?

  You're shaving, you gotta be a clean, clean young lad out there in the world. So whether you're trimming up your edges or you're doing a full clean shave, you gotta try House of Atlas. And now for a limited time, they're offering 20% off site wide plus free shipping at houseofatlas.com. Use the code WHISKY at checkout. That's house of atlas, H O U S E O F A T L A S dot com with promo code WHISKY for 20% off everything. Stop wasting money on and time on shaving products that don't look good. All right. And they're not effective and they cost way too much. You gotta do yourself a favor and visit houseofatlas.com today. Trust me, you'll love it as much as I did.

• 25:54Speaker 06

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 25:58Andrew Santino?

  Don Draper, have you seen his new show? Friends and Friends and...

• 26:00Speaker 06

  No, no, I watched the trailer.

• 26:02Andrew Santino?

  I liked it.

• 26:02Speaker 06

  Did you?

• 26:03Andrew Santino?

  But I just like him.

• 26:04Speaker 06

  I like...

• 26:06Andrew Santino?

  See, you know what it is, though?

• 26:06Speaker 06

  Hey.

• 26:07Andrew Santino?

  There's people I know, I don't even know if the shows are good sometimes, I just know I like them. I'm a sucker for that. I'll watch a movie and people are like, "That movie sucked." I'm like, "I'm not gonna like that." Just because I like the person that's in it. I'm a sucker for... I guess I'm getting dumber with like taste, because I don't care anymore if I like the person.

• 26:21Speaker 06

  That's it.

• 26:22Andrew Santino?

  Like if I like you, I'm like, "Oh yeah, I like it." Steph was in it, it was good. And then someone's like, "Oh, it was not good." Well, no, I don't...

• 26:27Speaker 06

  I don't care.

• 26:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it was my... I know, I liked it. It's just something about that now. I'm just going... I'm disappearing with the whole idea of like nitpicking. The reason I say this is because I watched a video of some snobby fuckhead, and that's their job, criticizing Burr's thing.

• 26:46Andrew Santino?

  The play. Yeah, yeah, well, you know, he's a critic, right? That's the whole thing, but I...

• 26:49Speaker 06

  Give me this guy's number!

• 26:50Andrew Santino?

  I did.

• 26:51Speaker 06

  Is he fucking blind and deaf? What's wrong with his...

• 26:53Andrew Santino?

  He was just criticizing, you know, he was a professional critic, so he goes to plays and he was like, he's like, "In the first act, blah blah." And then he goes, "And then, the intermission seemed like just an opportunity for them to sell more alcohol." And it's like, dude...

• 27:03Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 27:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, people got, they gotta make money to keep this thing moving.

• 27:05Speaker 06

  That was me, I bought two more tequilas doubles.

• 27:08Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 27:08Speaker 06

  And then I almost fell down the stairs.

• 27:09Andrew Santino?

  But see, I like this version. Yeah, dude, it is to sell more booze. Go get some more fucking booze and enjoy the show.

• 27:13Speaker 06

  What does that have to do with the fucking play itself?

• 27:15Andrew Santino?

  Nothing.

• 27:15Speaker 06

  The actors aren't back, they're going, "Get out there," at the end of it, they're going, "And go check out the refreshment stand." Like, would they bow? What are you talking about?

• 27:22Andrew Santino?

  See, I think, I think the problem with the business is, it takes itself so serious in ways that it shouldn't, and then doesn't take itself serious in ways that it should, where, I don't know if you know about this, uh... Yeah, I'm gonna say it wrong. Can, Khan, the Can Fes- Fes- Fes-? You know, what they do is they applaud, right? They stand up and they do a standing ovation, and the whole gig is, they do it for as long as they can. What's the one, it got a seven-minute standing ovation? There's no fucking movie. What is it?

• 27:48Speaker 04

  The longest was Pan's Labyrinth.

• 27:50Andrew Santino?

  Pan's Labyrinth?

• 27:50Speaker 04

  Twenty-two minutes.

• 27:51Andrew Santino?

  Twenty-two minutes, they still haven't clapped.

• 27:53Speaker 06

  These people have no life.

• 27:54Andrew Santino?

  Give me a fucking, hey, give me the biggest fucking break on earth. You never, you've nev- what was the one that just did seven minutes and they made a whole thing of it? And it was like, look dude, I appreciate good art, it is great if it's great. Nothing. There isn't one movie I could name that's worth seven minutes of my time to clap.

• 28:08Speaker 06

  Stand up.

• 28:09Andrew Santino?

  To clap?

• 28:09Speaker 06

  I gotta piss after the end of the show.

• 28:10Andrew Santino?

  I gotta piss, dude. What's it called?

• 28:11Speaker 04

  The top three here are Pan's Labyrinth, Fahrenheit 9/11, twenty minutes.

• 28:15Andrew Santino?

  Love Fahrenheit 9/11. I like the original.

• 28:18Speaker 06

  Hey, you'd stand up for that.

• 28:19Andrew Santino?

  I like the original, 9/11 was my favorite. You know I'll stand up for that one.

• 28:24Speaker 04

  And Mud, eighteen minutes.

• 28:25Speaker 06

  Mud?

• 28:26Andrew Santino?

  So stupid. But this just happened in condo a week ago, so they clapped for seven minutes for this thing and I thought, this is why America hates the business. Because you guys are fucking insane. Nothing deserves that.

• 28:35Speaker 06

  No, that's crazy.

• 28:36Andrew Santino?

  Give it a good minute and a half clap and say goodnight, close the fucking lights, yeah.

• 28:39Speaker 06

  Couldn't you easily too, like, there's gotta be somebody who's going around like being like, hey, I'll give you twenty bucks if you stand up for twenty minutes?

• 28:44Andrew Santino?

  Keep clapping.

• 28:44Speaker 06

  Keep clapping.

• 28:45Andrew Santino?

  Come on, come on.

• 28:45Speaker 04

  It's the new U2, uh, Bono, uh, documentary.

• 28:50Andrew Santino?

  You're telling me U2 Bono documentary got fucking seven minutes to clap?

• 28:53Speaker 06

  No!

• 28:53Speaker 04

  That's what all the news is.

• 28:54Speaker 06

  That, they were paid. They were hired actors. There's no way. Those were, those, they went down to the fucking open mic and they're like, hey guys, uh,

• 29:02Andrew Santino?

  We need, we need some seat fillers.

• 29:03Speaker 06

  I'll give you five more minutes of, uh, time. Come down. Jesus Christ.

• 29:07Andrew Santino?

  You bring ten friends, they clap for ten minutes. You'll get ten of your own.

• 29:11Speaker 06

  Still two drink minimum.

• 29:12Andrew Santino?

  Give me your, give me your gitch on U2. You like them, you don't like them?

• 29:16Speaker 06

  Honestly, I heard the song the other day and I got, I got back into it.

• 29:19Andrew Santino?

  You're back?

• 29:19Speaker 06

  I like Bloody Sunday. I like the old stuff.

• 29:21Andrew Santino?

  But that's old.

• 29:22Speaker 06

  I know, old, old. I don't, like, if it's on, I, no, I don't listen to anymore. Fucking Red Hot Chili Peppers, every time they come on the radio, I have to turn it, cause he's fucking dating a twelve-year-old.

• 29:30Andrew Santino?

  Is he really?

• 29:30Speaker 06

  She's so young, she's like nineteen or something and he's like-

• 29:34Andrew Santino?

  Anthony Kiedis?

• 29:34Speaker 06

  Yes, and his daughter's like younger or older, it's, it's bizarre.

• 29:38Andrew Santino?

  Kiedis is, really?

• 29:39Speaker 06

  What are you talking about with these people? They're children!

• 29:43Andrew Santino?

  Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold on. But the music is still good.

• 29:47Speaker 06

  I, you know what, the, the song is-

• 29:49Andrew Santino?

  Blowing sugar sex magic, dude, I could jam that. Mother's milk?

• 29:52Speaker 06

  I, I can't get past it.

• 29:54Andrew Santino?

  How do we get past Michael Jackson so easily?

• 29:57Speaker 06

  I think because-

• 29:58Andrew Santino?

  Why did he get such a big pass? Cause he was damaged as a child?

• 30:00Speaker 06

  I think that's why, yeah.

• 30:01Andrew Santino?

  Right, so if he was beat up, if you were abused as a child, we give you the pass?

• 30:04Speaker 04

  Well, he's dead.

• 30:05Andrew Santino?

  He died!

• 30:06Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think he died right before it even happened.

• 30:09Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna do a Norm joke, I didn't even know he was sick. Norm, that's Norm, that's not me, that's one of my favorite Norm MacDonald. Hitler's dead? I didn't even know he was sick! No, I get what you're saying though, yeah, but the rockers of old, that old day of rock star thing? Rock star's dead. Rock star, it's, the idea of rock star is dead. Because the internet is better than the lore, right? Like lore is gone because the internet is real. In the sense that like, you cannot, you can't lure something into culture now. Because the internet's like, "No, no, that guy was a fucking dick." Like, now you see the front face of it all. The only person that can get away with it, by the way, one of my, I mean, one of my top dogs that I love, is still Tom Cruise.

• 30:51Andrew Santino?

  Tom Cruise can do anything he wants and get away with it, because he still has Hollywood lore. Like, he's still this mysterious, weird little-

• 30:58Speaker 06

  Cause I told you, they've kept all his secrets in. They've scrubbed the internet, they've scrubbed the fucking press, whatever weird shit, he's probably doing the weirdest shit in the world.

• 31:06Andrew Santino?

  No, you know, I bet, you know what's so funny? I know what you're saying, but for the sake of-

• 31:10Speaker 06

  Of your argument?

• 31:12Andrew Santino?

  I guarantee you, he is just an obsessive maniac. Who's like, "I will be the last movie star until I'm dead." And that's why when you see Mission Impossible, he does all the stunts and all that shit. He wants to be the only guy that is like, "No, no, no, I'm gonna swim with the sharks." And they're like, "Well, you can't," he's like, "I will." And I'm going, "I'm gonna train for nine months." There's something beautiful about those people that still exist, but it is gone. He's the last one, cause now they pitch you like, you know, Glenn Powell and all that, no shots at him, I'm just saying like, these new movie stars, they're not, they're not crazy like, he's crazy.

• 31:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:46Andrew Santino?

  He's fucking purebred crazy.

• 31:48Speaker 06

  Hasn't he not seen his children in like years because they left the church?

• 31:51Andrew Santino?

  Who wants to see him? Who wants to see, he's got it dialed! No, I think, I do know what you mean though, it's like-

• 31:57Speaker 06

  There's something weird there with that.

• 31:58Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, come on dude.

• 31:59Speaker 06

  There's something, yeah, but I'm like, I'll do it, I wanna stunt it up, you'd do your own stunts, wouldn't you?

• 32:03Andrew Santino?

  Nope, no chance.

• 32:03Speaker 06

  Really?

• 32:04Andrew Santino?

  Not even a little bit, I can barely touch my toes.

• 32:06Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:06Andrew Santino?

  What stunt am I gonna do, no, I'm trying dude. What stunts am I gonna do?

• 32:10Speaker 06

  A front flip into a bunch of foam.

• 32:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I would do, I would do a pratfall. I would do my own stunts, but I'm never gonna be in a part of a movie that I would be required to do my own stunts. In the same way, they're never gonna cast me to be-

• 32:21Speaker 00

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• 33:04Speaker 00

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• 33:10Andrew Santino?

  You like the, um, the love interest. You know what I mean?

• 33:14Speaker 06

  You would be love interest?

• 33:15Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, no, no, no. Love disinterest.

• 33:17Speaker 06

  No, uh, excuse me?

• 33:18Andrew Santino?

  I'd be the ex.

• 33:19Speaker 06

  Have you not seen any movies?

• 33:20Andrew Santino?

  I'd be the ex.

• 33:20Speaker 06

  Hasn't Jonah Hill been love interest? You'd be the love interest.

• 33:23Andrew Santino?

  When was Jonah Hill the love interest last?

• 33:24Speaker 06

  I don't know, I just thought of somebody that was like-

• 33:27Andrew Santino?

  You just shoot your shot?

• 33:28Speaker 06

  No, no, there's definitely been movies where someone's like that.

• 33:31Andrew Santino?

  Not a redhead. We've gone over this on the show. There's never been a redhead love interest, ever.

• 33:34Speaker 06

  I see what you mean.

• 33:35Andrew Santino?

  In the history of film.

• 33:35Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 33:36Andrew Santino?

  There's literally-

• 33:36Speaker 06

  History of film.

• 33:37Andrew Santino?

  Male. Female, yeah, sure.

• 33:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, okay.

• 33:39Andrew Santino?

  Female redhead.

• 33:41Speaker 06

  Dye your hair.

• 33:42Andrew Santino?

  I thought-

• 33:42Speaker 06

  Come back.

• 33:43Andrew Santino?

  I tried.

• 33:43Speaker 06

  Full black hair and-

• 33:45Andrew Santino?

  Blackface?

• 33:46Speaker 06

  Yes. Full blackface. But you keep the red hair.

• 33:49Andrew Santino?

  I get canceled. They're like, "Is he doing black hair?"

• 33:53Speaker 06

  Block eyebrows, you'd look insane. Wait, you met Jefferson's uncle recently?

• 33:57Andrew Santino?

  I did, for five seconds.

• 33:58Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 33:59Andrew Santino?

  And I should've brought it up, but I didn't wanna bug him.

• 34:01Speaker 06

  I can't believe you didn't. He would've loved it. He loves his nephew.

• 34:03Andrew Santino?

  Here's why. Because- He, I already felt, well, for context.

• 34:07Speaker 06

  Yes, my boyfriend is, uh, his uncle's, uh, Christopher McDonald, Jeff, um.

• 34:11Andrew Santino?

  Christopher McDonald, as people may know him.

• 34:14Speaker 06

  Shooter McGavin.

• 34:15Andrew Santino?

  Shooter McGavin. I met him in Las Vegas, we were doing an event together, and, um, such a sweet, cool, nice guy, smoked a stoke, chatted a little bit, but then I thought, he's already kind of, um, bombarded by people doing the thing. Hey, dude, bro, dun dun dun, so I didn't want to also offer up a fanship moment, I just wanted to be a peer for a minute.

• 34:35Speaker 06

  Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

• 34:36Andrew Santino?

  Cause I feel like he would then be like, alright dude, get the fuck out, you know what I mean, like, uh, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? There's some times when you're like, I did want to say that, be like, dude, I know your fucking nephew, he's my friend, but then I thought he would just be like, do you, how do you, who are you?

• 34:49Speaker 06

  I think, I, here's the thing, I don't think so, he, Shooter, I'm not gonna lie to you, Shooter loves me, Shooter finds me.

• 34:54Andrew Santino?

  No, he loves you. I didn't want to, I didn't want, I didn't want to know him.

• 34:57Speaker 06

  And it's my biggest brag of the planet. We just hang, we hung out on the same night after Glenn Gary and Ross, in New York for a night, cause he has a place there, and I, I had him in tears, I'm like, am I this funny?

• 35:06Andrew Santino?

  You are.

• 35:07Speaker 06

  I, well, to Shooter I am, and then he said, he looked at Jefferson and went, ugh, when are you gonna marry her? And I was like, Shooter wants it.

• 35:15Andrew Santino?

  Shooter wants it.

• 35:16Speaker 06

  Shooter wants me in the family.

• 35:18Andrew Santino?

  Would you let him officiate the wedding?

• 35:19Speaker 06

  Of course, are you insane?

• 35:20Andrew Santino?

  Where would you get married, when you do get married?

• 35:22Speaker 06

  I, I want, I already have it all planned out. No, I'm not church girl, there's a place called the Tugannic Inn, it's in upstate New York.

• 35:27Andrew Santino?

  Tugannic Cannon?

• 35:28Speaker 06

  Tugannic Inn, it's in upstate New York, look it up, it's very pretty, I wanna do it in fall, there's like a waterfall, you can get photos taken at, I'm a girly girl, I'm a girly bitch, no church.

• 35:38Andrew Santino?

  You are a girly girl, but no church, no priests.

• 35:40Speaker 06

  No church, I've been baptized.

• 35:41Andrew Santino?

  But he was born again Christian, he's now disassociated from the church completely?

• 35:44Speaker 06

  No, he's still, he's still Christian.

• 35:46Andrew Santino?

  Oh, really?

• 35:47Speaker 06

  Oh yeah, he's still, we pray when I go home to his house.

• 35:49Andrew Santino?

  Do you?

• 35:49Speaker 06

  We're holding hands.

• 35:50Andrew Santino?

  Do you, does he pray still in, in your home?

• 35:52Speaker 06

  No, no, no.

• 35:53Andrew Santino?

  Why not?

• 35:53Speaker 06

  No, he doesn't.

• 35:53Andrew Santino?

  Cause he's afraid of your wrath?

• 35:56Speaker 06

  No, he's not scared of me at all, I'm kinda more scared of him.

• 35:59Andrew Santino?

  Well, you shouldn't be, cause he's a, he's like a sweetie, he's like a softie sweetie.

• 36:02Speaker 06

  Um.

• 36:03Andrew Santino?

  He's a tough guy, but he's a sweetheart.

• 36:04Speaker 06

  We're both the same equal psychoness.

• 36:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 06

  We both, when we get mad, it's.

• 36:09Andrew Santino?

  You throw stuff, do you break shit?

• 36:11Speaker 06

  Um, no, well.

• 36:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 36:16Speaker 06

  I toss things.

• 36:18Andrew Santino?

  You toss?

• 36:18Speaker 06

  I lightly, I softball them.

• 36:21Andrew Santino?

  What's the most recent fight you guys got into? What was it about?

• 36:24Speaker 06

  Oh, what was it about? It was probably something with traveling, oh, I was mad because, uh, when I go to the shows, he's been opening for me. And my buddy Alex Pavone and

• 36:35Andrew Santino?

  That's a good switch, you usually open for him huh?

• 36:37Speaker 06

  Uh, excuse me.

• 36:39Andrew Santino?

  There's the glam.

• 36:40Speaker 06

  I have, no one's helping me with my fucking camera. I'm carrying my giant camera in, I'm setting it up, people are like, "Dora the Explorer's here", it's so fucking embarrassing. Somebody yelled it out at the fucking Improv Milwaukee, I wanna kill myself, I was so pissed, I'm like, "You guys are my fucking openers, do fucking something, record my set, edit my clip", I was screaming at them, I'm like, "Everybody else gets other shit done",

• 36:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 36:58Speaker 06

  I'm over here like a fucking moron.

• 36:59Andrew Santino?

  You're not a moron.

• 36:59Speaker 06

  I'm setting up, he was like, "Well, I want you to take my set", I don't wanna go out there for my set. It's pathetic. This little fucking pathetic pig setting up my camera, "I need the clips",

• 37:08Andrew Santino?

  So he needs to set it up or somebody else, why don't you hire an AV?

• 37:10Speaker 06

  I'm like driving, I'm like renting cars, cause we're missing flights, I'm organizing everything, it's too much.

• 37:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, you hire help.

• 37:16Speaker 06

  I know, but I'm like, shouldn't they do something?

• 37:18Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 37:19Speaker 06

  They're showing up, I pay for everything, I'm like, "What the fuck is this?"

• 37:21Andrew Santino?

  How many openers do you have?

• 37:23Speaker 06

  Just to do. Alex is my main one, that we usually do two man show, and then if Jefferson's around, he'll host.

• 37:27Andrew Santino?

  What's Alex's, do I know Alex?

• 37:29Speaker 06

  Pavone, no, he's so fucking funny, he's a moron.

• 37:30Andrew Santino?

  Mavone?

• 37:31Speaker 06

  Pavone.

• 37:31Andrew Santino?

  Pavone, Alex Pavone.

• 37:32Speaker 06

  My dad will be in, yeah.

• 37:33Andrew Santino?

  Wait, how do I know, maybe you introduced me to him?

• 37:35Speaker 06

  I probably have, he's the funniest person on the planet, he literally annihilates before me, in a way that I backstage, I'm like, "I gotta fucking fire this guy."

• 37:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but that's really, no, that's good, you want that. You don't wanna be one of these comics that takes out someone that's shit.

• 37:45Speaker 06

  So many people do, cause the amount of people that would at the clubs, they're like, "Whoa, can we book him, he's so funny", I'm like, "Yeah, he's hilarious",

• 37:50Andrew Santino?

  That's the goal.

• 37:51Speaker 06

  He's just a moron.

• 37:51Andrew Santino?

  The goal is to put them in front of them and then, he just doesn't what, put in the extra?

• 37:55Speaker 06

  He is nothing, he is nothing, he just started doing clips, look at him, it's, what is that clip? It's so dark, he's an idiot.

• 38:00Andrew Santino?

  Looks like he needs someone to help set up a clip as well.

• 38:02Speaker 06

  He does, he's a moron, he's so funny, I hate him.

• 38:04Andrew Santino?

  Is he Canadian as well?

• 38:05Speaker 06

  Canadian, he married my manager.

• 38:06Andrew Santino?

  Uh oh, conflict of interest.

• 38:08Speaker 06

  I'll kill him if he does anything to her.

• 38:10Andrew Santino?

  Conflict of interest. He married your manager.

• 38:13Speaker 06

  He's been my best friend for about 15 years.

• 38:14Andrew Santino?

  Did you introduce them?

• 38:15Speaker 06

  Yes, I did.

• 38:16Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 38:17Speaker 06

  I know.

• 38:17Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 38:18Speaker 06

  I know, it's very bizarre.

• 38:19Andrew Santino?

  How many times have you played matchmaker, I feel like you've done this before in your friendship circle?

• 38:22Speaker 06

  I have, this is my third time.

• 38:23Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 38:24Speaker 06

  One didn't make it, but two, two are married now.

• 38:27Andrew Santino?

  One didn't make it?

• 38:28Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:28Andrew Santino?

  Just a relationship fell apart?

• 38:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:29Andrew Santino?

  But the other two got married?

• 38:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:31Andrew Santino?

  Kids?

• 38:31Speaker 06

  Yep.

• 38:31Andrew Santino?

  Look at this.

• 38:32Speaker 06

  My high school friend has kids, and she's another comedian, and now these two.

• 38:36Andrew Santino?

  You'd be a fun mom.

• 38:38Speaker 06

  Would I?

• 38:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 38:40Speaker 06

  Just drinking my, it's mommy's night off. Just sucking back fucking whatever the hell Colt 45. You cost me too much money bitch. It'd be a girl. Um, I will, my sister has a baby, so I'm a cool aunt.

• 38:52Andrew Santino?

  You're a cool aunt.

• 38:53Speaker 06

  I'm gonna be a cool aunt.

• 38:53Andrew Santino?

  Do you, you don't, do you wanna have kids or no?

• 38:55Speaker 06

  I'm 40.

• 38:56Andrew Santino?

  What does that mean?

• 38:57Speaker 06

  I think it's done.

• 38:58Andrew Santino?

  No, no, your eggs are still good.

• 38:59Speaker 06

  No, are they? Cause uh, we've been uh, shooting things in there.

• 39:03Andrew Santino?

  He's been shooting?

• 39:04Speaker 06

  Guns.

• 39:04Andrew Santino?

  Gun.

• 39:05Speaker 06

  Bullets. Uh, no more babies. Uh, yeah, he's been coming in there a lot and nothing's happening.

• 39:11Andrew Santino?

  Get it tested then, find out. No, you don't.

• 39:13Speaker 06

  Scraping around.

• 39:14Andrew Santino?

  You don't wanna know the truth?

• 39:15Speaker 06

  I don't, can't handle the truth. I don't know. I, I guess.

• 39:18Andrew Santino?

  It is, it is a daunting.

• 39:19Speaker 06

  I, it's a lot. Cause you know all of this.

• 39:21Andrew Santino?

  Oh dude, I've lived through it. I don't have any kids. We can't have kids. But you know what's so funny?

• 39:24Speaker 06

  Are you okay with that? Or do you wanna like?

• 39:26Andrew Santino?

  Well, it breaks me down every day of my life, but uh, no, no. No, no.

• 39:29Speaker 06

  Oh god.

• 39:30Andrew Santino?

  No, no, I came to the, I came to the, the piece of it after.

• 39:34Speaker 06

  You would adopt?

• 39:35Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't want somebody else's trash. Uh, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's the same reason I don't shop at fucking Goodwill. No, come on, cut it out, will ya?

• 39:42Speaker 06

  I almost spit all over the mic.

• 39:43Andrew Santino?

  Come on, no, no, I would, I would adopt. I would adopt. I would, I would. I won't, but I would.

• 39:48Speaker 06

  A lot of Chinese baby, but you would.

• 39:49Andrew Santino?

  No, I'll go to Vancouver. Um, come here Zhang.

• 39:54Andrew Santino?

  No, I, I would adopt. It is something that I've thought about, but then I also think um, uh, crazy career and the busy and the running around and all that stuff, and I think, what I'm gonna do is when I retire, when I, when I retire, and you know, a lot of people are saying soon.

• 40:07Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, any day now.

• 40:08Andrew Santino?

  When I retire, I, then I think I'm gonna adopt a kid when I'm like 65 or 70. Do you know what I mean?

• 40:13Speaker 06

  Speed old.

• 40:13Andrew Santino?

  Like a 16 year old. Get a 16 year old at 70, so I got two years with him. Be that kinda dad.

• 40:18Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 40:19Andrew Santino?

  You know?

• 40:19Speaker 06

  Two good years though.

• 40:20Andrew Santino?

  Two solid years. Get him the license, buy him a nice car. Do the, you know what I mean? Dad, you're the fucking best. Send him to college and then die while they're sophomores in college. Then they have something to like, write about.

• 40:28Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 40:29Andrew Santino?

  You know, they have something to do.

• 40:30Speaker 06

  You've really thought this out.

• 40:31Andrew Santino?

  I have.

• 40:32Speaker 06

  Jesus Christ.

• 40:32Andrew Santino?

  I sit up at night being like, well, that's a perfect idea. No, no, you know, it is, it is, it's a hurdle to get over, but I also think like, um, the more I travel as I get older too, the more I see the world, the more I think, maybe I shouldn't.

• 40:44Speaker 06

  Like how fun, you're Italy.

• 40:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 40:45Speaker 06

  No kids.

• 40:46Andrew Santino?

  No kids, I know.

• 40:47Speaker 06

  Doing whatever the fuck you want.

• 40:48Andrew Santino?

  Fucking whatever, wherever.

• 40:49Speaker 06

  Slipping around, you don't have to go to a pool, you don't have to be fucking warts in a fucking hotel pool.

• 40:53Andrew Santino?

  I saw, I saw three, three kids, you know, the two kids, the dad had two draped, the woman was pulling, you know, one was pulling and I-

• 41:00Speaker 06

  In Italy?

• 41:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, at the, at the, at the, at this hotel that we were at and I thought, poor, those poor fucking people. But I'm, I'm sure there, and it's, there's beautiful things about it, but the other thing is, um, stage in my career in life, I think it would be hard. I don't know, I think it would be. It may not be. I think people figure it out.

• 41:16Speaker 06

  I think, they do figure it out, but I'm like, I like my life right now.

• 41:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 41:19Speaker 06

  I'm enjoying my fucking coming home and mucking around, we can do whatever the fuck we want.

• 41:24Andrew Santino?

  And look at you now, you're about to have a bigger ascension than, than you've ever had, right? Like the special that's out right now on Netflix, please go watch it right now.

• 41:31Speaker 06

  Also, I'm on tires.

• 41:32Andrew Santino?

  And you're on tires, the new season of Tires, which is also available on Netflix, our good friend Shane Gillis, Tires, and you play, on Tires, you play a tire, which is insane.

• 41:42Speaker 06

  They were like, we don't even have to put you in hair makeup. Just get on the ground and start to roll, and I went, you got me.

• 41:47Andrew Santino?

  So Shane, it's the role of Bridgestone, is that, no, is that a nickname, or?

• 41:52Speaker 06

  It's the role of underneath one of the cars.

• 41:54Andrew Santino?

  What's the name of your character on Tires?

• 41:55Speaker 06

  I'm Barb, I play, uh, Stav's wife.

• 41:58Andrew Santino?

  Damn, you're a Barb, aren't you?

• 41:59Speaker 06

  Oh, it's, I, I got a, yeah, I, I watched it.

• 42:01Andrew Santino?

  You were Stav's wife?

• 42:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, Stav's wife.

• 42:03Andrew Santino?

  Wow, and what a perfect couple.

• 42:05Speaker 06

  It is really, yeah, it's quite hilarious. We do play a very-

• 42:09Andrew Santino?

  Have you seen it?

• 42:10Speaker 06

  It's, it's, well, technically-

• 42:12Andrew Santino?

  It is out now, it's out when this podcast is out, it's out.

• 42:14Speaker 06

  It's out June 6th.

• 42:15Andrew Santino?

  I'll watch it.

• 42:16Speaker 06

  I got a screener for it.

• 42:17Andrew Santino?

  Oh, really?

• 42:17Speaker 06

  And I watched it. Cause I don't ever, I hate watching myself in shit, but I watched it.

• 42:21Andrew Santino?

  We all hate watching you in shit too, so don't get me wrong.

• 42:24Speaker 06

  Join the club, uh, Mom and Dad, is that you? Um, no, and it was, uh, it was, it was actually, I actually was like, oh fuck, I, I think I can act.

• 42:32Andrew Santino?

  That's awesome.

• 42:33Speaker 06

  I went out for a role the other day, which is-

• 42:37Speaker 06

  So I get this breakdown.

• 42:38Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 42:39Speaker 06

  It said, "A man." And I was like, huh.

• 42:42Andrew Santino?

  New world.

• 42:43Speaker 06

  Hmm. So my manager assistant, Wolf, he called, he's like, "Hey, uh, we made sure they do want to see you." And then I had to pretend to have sex with a jukebox. And I was like, "Well, you know, not every rule you want."

• 42:55Andrew Santino?

  Is this the new season of Malcolm in the Middle? Is that what that is?

• 42:58Speaker 06

  I loved that show.

• 42:59Andrew Santino?

  You did?

• 43:00Speaker 06

  I was obsessed with it. I still am. I re-watch it all the time.

• 43:03Andrew Santino?

  It's so funny. People loved it. I never saw one episode of it.

• 43:04Speaker 06

  Are you-

• 43:05Speaker 04

  Oh, it's so good.

• 43:06Speaker 06

  Bryan Cranston is the- he's a fucking- he's the most physical comedian you'll ever watch in your life.

• 43:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:11Speaker 06

  It's un- it's like, I think it's- I was gonna say better than Farley, that's too- speaking too highly. He's- the pratfalls, the rolling, the getting stung by bees, he's always running around, the roller skating, it's crazy.

• 43:23Andrew Santino?

  And then he gets to become Walter White.

• 43:25Speaker 06

  Yes. And I just started watching Breaking Bad for the first time.

• 43:27Andrew Santino?

  Okay, that one's a little bit better than Malcolm in the Middle.

• 43:29Speaker 06

  No, I'm- I like- I had to stop. It's too much. It's like, I can't watch it.

• 43:32Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean, it's too good?

• 43:33Speaker 06

  No, it's just so much hap-

• 43:35Andrew Santino?

  It's written too well.

• 43:37Speaker 06

  I need- I need slapstick.

• 43:38Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 43:39Speaker 06

  If I don't hear "woo" and then somebody falling in a puddle, I can't watch it.

• 43:42Andrew Santino?

  He's like, "Get over here, bitch," and then he falls. "Is that a banana, bitch?" "Pick it up, Walter." Yeah, no, it's a- it's a- well, Cranston's a phenomenal actor. I mean, anything he can do.

• 43:53Speaker 06

  He's also- he's very good friends with Chris McDonald.

• 43:55Andrew Santino?

  Is he really?

• 43:56Speaker 06

  He is.

• 43:56Andrew Santino?

  Look at you, you're just- you're connected in Hollywood.

• 43:58Speaker 06

  I am connected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what, my parents, there's no nepo baby over here, I gotta fuck my way into being a nepo.

• 44:04Andrew Santino?

  And you did it right. See?

• 44:06Speaker 06

  Even though Jefferson's not, cause he's like, he's the, like, nephew.

• 44:09Andrew Santino?

  Nep- nepo nephews are not real.

• 44:11Speaker 06

  It- trust me, it ain't real.

• 44:13Andrew Santino?

  Actually, it is.

• 44:14Speaker 06

  Is it? Unless you're-

• 44:15Andrew Santino?

  Julia Roberts.

• 44:17Speaker 06

  Oh, her?

• 44:18Andrew Santino?

  Her niece.

• 44:18Speaker 06

  Who's her niece?

• 44:20Andrew Santino?

  Emma Roberts.

• 44:21Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 44:22Andrew Santino?

  You not know that?

• 44:22Speaker 06

  I did not know that.

• 44:24Andrew Santino?

  Let me see the nepo- nepo nephews and nepo nieces. Actually, it'd be- I'm curious to know.

• 44:30Speaker 06

  Cause he's uh, he couldn't even get into fucking second season of second Happy Gilmore. And I was like, I-

• 44:36Andrew Santino?

  Happy, oh Happy, the new Happy Gilmore?

• 44:37Speaker 06

  Yes, I was like, I kept being like, if I see Sandler, I was gonna like show him my phone and go, just write him in.

• 44:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:43Speaker 06

  As like the, how funny would it be, cause he looks so much like his uncle.

• 44:46Andrew Santino?

  I can't do that, I can't do that.

• 44:47Speaker 06

  As the caddy? Can you imagine if his caddy looked exactly like him? It'd be bizarre.

• 44:50Andrew Santino?

  As Shooter's caddy?

• 44:51Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 44:51Andrew Santino?

  It'd be brilliant. Cause he does, your boyfriend does look exactly like his uncle.

• 44:54Speaker 06

  It's bizarre.

• 44:55Andrew Santino?

  Does his, does, it's, it's his dad's brother?

• 44:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:58Andrew Santino?

  And his dad looks exactly like him as well?

• 44:59Speaker 06

  No, not, not so much.

• 45:00Andrew Santino?

  So maybe he's his dad?

• 45:01Speaker 06

  Well, we, there's, well-

• 45:03Andrew Santino?

  Is there to-

• 45:03Speaker 06

  They always joke about it, but I'm like, how far does this joke go?

• 45:09Speaker 06

  No, he does look like his dad. I've seen photos of his dad. He looks like his dad.

• 45:11Andrew Santino?

  Cause he, cause he, whenever I see him, I always think about Shooter right away. I was like, god damn, he looks just exactly- In fact, when I first met him, I, I think I had no context and I didn't understand that that's who that was. And I did think, I was like, god damn, he looks a lot like him.

• 45:21Speaker 06

  I know. That's how I met them. I met them at Laugh Factory. And I was like fanning over Shooter and I was like, wha? And I went over and Jefferson's sitting there, I'm like, who the hell is this guy?

• 45:28Andrew Santino?

  So that, he saw you at the factory?

• 45:30Speaker 06

  Uh huh.

• 45:30Andrew Santino?

  And he was like, I need it.

• 45:31Speaker 06

  Slipped into my DMs, can't, only, I, I swear to god, no man-

• 45:34Andrew Santino?

  What was the first message?

• 45:35Speaker 06

  Well, I went over, shook his hand, and he asked me for a drink that night and I panicked and I ran away. I was like, what? Cause no man ever hits me after a show. Cause I'm like, look at my fat pussy, I'm gonna fucking choke you. And then the men are like, ah! And then I was like, he wanted to talk to me, bizarre. And then he said to my DMs being like, hey, I'm here for, uh, like, all day tomorrow if you wanna grab a coffee and just talk. And I was like, I'm gonna suck Shooter's son's dick. That was my whole, well, and the whole, here it all ties in because Alex, my opener, is obsessed with Shooter McGavin.

• 46:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 46:01Speaker 06

  He got him to do a cameo to ask all his groomsmen to be in their, in his wedding party.

• 46:07Andrew Santino?

  No shit.

• 46:07Speaker 06

  And then now, so when I fucking met Jefferson, I was like, I called Pavy first, I'm like, I'm gonna fuck Shooter's nephew. Just to piss you off. He's like, why does it piss me off? I'm like, I don't know.

• 46:16Andrew Santino?

  You FaceTimed him while you were doing it?

• 46:17Speaker 06

  I was so mad. Blah blah blah blah blah. Check it out.

• 46:19Andrew Santino?

  Check it out, dude!

• 46:21Speaker 06

  I told you I would.

• 46:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but now-

• 46:23Speaker 06

  But now, I love him so much. I've never loved a man this much in my life. Is that so?

• 46:27Andrew Santino?

  Never, this is it.

• 46:28Speaker 06

  Never. This is it. I've never felt this.

• 46:29Andrew Santino?

  Is this the first time you're in love?

• 46:31Speaker 06

  No, I've been in love before.

• 46:32Andrew Santino?

  You have?

• 46:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, but I, maybe not.

• 46:33Andrew Santino?

  How many times?

• 46:35Speaker 06

  Two?

• 46:35Andrew Santino?

  Two times.

• 46:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:36Andrew Santino?

  Young love?

• 46:37Speaker 06

  Young love.

• 46:38Andrew Santino?

  High school love?

• 46:39Speaker 06

  Uh, college, yeah.

• 46:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, college love.

• 46:40Speaker 06

  Interesting love, yeah.

• 46:41Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 46:42Speaker 02

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 46:45Andrew Santino?

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• 47:26Andrew Santino?

  Uh, and this Southwest-inspired Chicken Bowl has been getting me through my evenings when I have a crazy packed schedule. They got 60 recipes every week, including prep and bake and ready-made meals, plus 100, uh, plus-market items to add on to breakfast, lunch, and much, much more. No matter what you're looking for, HelloFresh has it. Okay? I know you've heard about it. It comes right to your door. It's easy, quick, convenient, and fast, by the way. You wanna eat quick? You wanna eat fast? You got something going on? Or just make a delicious meal and eat it at your own leisure. Uh, but HelloFresh has got you covered. You can skip those trips to the grocery store. Why go? Make your summer more enjoyable and delicious by signing up for [email protected]/whiskey10fm and get 10 free meals with a free item for life. That's hellofresh.com/whiskey10fm for 10 free meals and a free item in every box.

• 48:10Andrew Santino?

  Hellofresh.com/whiskey10fm. One per box with an active subscription. Free meals are applied as a discount on the first box. New subscribers only. Varys by.

• 48:18Speaker 03

  Ginger. I like zingers.

• 48:22Speaker 04

  I feel like someone opened the door. I feel like draft.

• 48:24Speaker 06

  I feel like draft.

• 48:27Andrew Santino?

  Why do we pay you money?

• 48:30Andrew Santino?

  Kill the conversation?

• 48:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, I was like, a draft? I'm like, what are you scared? You think the three of us can't take whoever walked in right now?

• 48:36Andrew Santino?

  I gotta be honest with you, he gets scared often, from a lot of things.

• 48:38Speaker 06

  You get spooked?

• 48:39Andrew Santino?

  He has so many fears, that's why he has a gun.

• 48:41Speaker 06

  Is that real?

• 48:41Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah.

• 48:42Speaker 06

  Are you joking?

• 48:43Andrew Santino?

  We keep that thang on us, at all times.

• 48:44Speaker 06

  Are you serious?

• 48:45Andrew Santino?

  Why would we not keep a gun in the studio?

• 48:46Speaker 06

  I don't know!

• 48:47Andrew Santino?

  This is a bad neighborhood. We're right next to the airport.

• 48:52Speaker 06

  Burbank's a bad neighborhood. Nice, hey, we always go to Smokehouse, you ever go to Smokehouse?

• 48:57Andrew Santino?

  Love Smokehouse.

• 48:57Speaker 06

  Love Smokehouse.

• 48:59Andrew Santino?

  Garlic cheesy bread?

• 49:00Speaker 06

  Oh, their cocktail shrimp, they have a good dirty martini. I made a scene last time I went, because they put us in one of those like banquet chairs. I was like, I go, my sciatica, I need the booth.

• 49:10Andrew Santino?

  Do you have sciatica?

• 49:11Speaker 06

  I do, but I wasn't even knocking out the night, I just wanted the booth. Baby needs her booth.

• 49:16Andrew Santino?

  Smokehouse is, it's a great, the best part about things like Smokehouse, for people that, yeah, you know, I got a little bothered in the new season of the studio. Rogan, I mean, yeah, Seth Rogen Show, they go to the Smokehouse. And I was like, fuck, don't give this away, this is like our little thing, you know, it's like our little thing.

• 49:36Speaker 06

  And I'm not saying where it is.

• 49:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, you did kind of already.

• 49:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, you know where it is.

• 49:39Andrew Santino?

  But it's fine.

• 49:40Speaker 06

  There's a lot of seats in there.

• 49:41Andrew Santino?

  No, it's just, I love the locals, like, I love that there's, it's a watering hole for local people, they sit there, you see the same people when I used to go a lot. At the bar, every night, the same couples, I love that, man.

• 49:52Speaker 06

  Have you seen Jimmy Angel? He plays in the weekends?

• 49:55Andrew Santino?

  Oh, oh, oh, oh.

• 49:55Speaker 06

  Oh, the guy who's like, he's an Elvis impressionist, he's like, he's an old man, speaking of black hair, he dyes his hair.

• 50:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you gotta, Jimmy Angel, man.

• 50:02Speaker 06

  He's doing Elvis face over there.

• 50:03Andrew Santino?

  You guys, Elvis facing.

• 50:05Speaker 06

  He came up and Jefferson's like, I love your stuff, and I looked at him closely, you could see his eyebrows growing in, like the white, and then it started black halfway through, like, it's like, buddy, you know. No, we finally should have.

• 50:14Andrew Santino?

  You gotta tip that guy.

• 50:14Speaker 06

  No, he shook his hand for a long time, I don't know, I panicked.

• 50:17Andrew Santino?

  You gotta tip those guys.

• 50:18Speaker 06

  Gotta tip those guys.

• 50:18Andrew Santino?

  You're here in the States. Like, in Europe, you're allowed to not tip, it's like the greatest thing in the fucking world. I tell you, I love not tipping, in Europe.

• 50:25Speaker 06

  I wanna do that, it's nice.

• 50:26Andrew Santino?

  It feels great.

• 50:26Speaker 06

  It's all in, right now.

• 50:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's in, it's included. Sometimes they, where were we, we got like a coffee shop and they wanted a tip, in Europe, and I thought, no, no, no, no, you're not doing this. This is our thing, you don't get to do this. That's our thing, you don't get to like sneak in on it. My dad kept wanting to tip people, it drove me fucking nuts.

• 50:43Speaker 06

  You with your dad?

• 50:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I took my parents. He was like, "How much, how much should I get this guy?" I go, "No, no, it's in the thing." He's like, "No, no, come on, how much?" I go, "It's in the thing dude, don't do that, please don't." He's giving out money everywhere. And they look at you weird too, he handed people 20 bucks and they're like, "Oh, thank you."

• 50:56Speaker 06

  Are they insulted by it?

• 50:57Andrew Santino?

  No, no, they're happy, they can't believe it, they're like, "What are you doing?"

• 51:00Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 51:00Andrew Santino?

  You don't give more money, we already charged you the money.

• 51:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, we charged the money, I like that, it's nice, have it all wrapped in.

• 51:05Andrew Santino?

  Charge me the money, charge me the money, but also charge me less.

• 51:08Speaker 06

  Charge me less.

• 51:09Andrew Santino?

  Well, because the euro is worth more now. The dollar is... The dollar's weak.

• 51:14Speaker 06

  Is it?

• 51:15Andrew Santino?

  The dollar's weak, you go to Britain, I think it's like 60 cents now.

• 51:17Speaker 06

  Oh god.

• 51:18Andrew Santino?

  Where are you from again, Bulgaria?

• 51:20Speaker 06

  That, we have our own money over there, it's just like, fucking...

• 51:23Andrew Santino?

  Who was, you weren't born in Bulgaria?

• 51:25Speaker 06

  Pieces of pastry, uh, no, no, my grandparents were, I'm from, I'm Canadian.

• 51:29Andrew Santino?

  Bulgaria though, let me look it up, the Bulgarian lev. You know about the lev?

• 51:33Speaker 06

  I don't know much about the lev.

• 51:35Andrew Santino?

  Well, let me see how much, one dollar, I'm gonna see how much a dollar is worth, because I got my new fun converter app.

• 51:40Speaker 06

  Oh, look at you.

• 51:41Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it's one, one dollar seventy-four. So, one dollar, it's not, it's actually, the lev is doing good, it's not bad.

• 51:47Speaker 06

  Because I think it's like one of the only countries over there that kept their own money.

• 51:48Andrew Santino?

  Canadian dollar's not too far off, because that's one, a dollar forty.

• 51:51Speaker 06

  Canadian dollar.

• 51:52Andrew Santino?

  Canadian dollar, you know what else pisses me off about going to Canada, and I just went there to perform? I'm going in two days, but I say this to the podcast.

• 51:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, I know, I saw you at Winnipeg and...

• 51:59Andrew Santino?

  Winnipeg and Edmonton.

• 52:01Speaker 06

  You doing theaters or you doing...

• 52:03Andrew Santino?

  I'm doing casinos, two casinos, yeah. And, and what makes me mad is they take like a tax, you know, before you even leave.

• 52:08Speaker 06

  Oh yeah, oh yeah.

• 52:09Andrew Santino?

  Fucking dickheads.

• 52:10Speaker 06

  I, I pardon myself from Canada, they said, "Why do taxes?" I'm like, "No."

• 52:14Andrew Santino?

  Why am I paying you taxes? I just, I came up here and I entertained for the people, let me take my money and go home.

• 52:19Speaker 06

  Winnipeg, Winnipeg needs the entertainment, you should fuck. They should be fucking paying you triple to even fucking step foot in that place.

• 52:26Andrew Santino?

  They are.

• 52:26Speaker 06

  Disgusting place. I love, the comedy there is great though. Because people are so sad.

• 52:31Andrew Santino?

  I don't think I've ever done Winnipeg, we never did it, right?

• 52:32Speaker 06

  Really?

• 52:33Andrew Santino?

  I don't think so, we did Toronto, Montreal.

• 52:35Speaker 06

  Oh shit.

• 52:35Andrew Santino?

  Vancouver, what? Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, that's all we've done.

• 52:39Speaker 06

  You've never been to Edmonton either?

• 52:40Andrew Santino?

  No, I've done Edmonton, I've done it for, I did it for years, but I never went over to Winnipeg because it's, uh...

• 52:45Speaker 06

  Nothing going on there.

• 52:45Andrew Santino?

  Because it's in the middle.

• 52:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:47Andrew Santino?

  Right? Winnipeg, uh, is, uh, what province?

• 52:51Speaker 06

  In Manitoba.

• 52:52Andrew Santino?

  Manitoba.

• 52:53Speaker 06

  Manitoba.

• 52:54Andrew Santino?

  So Manitoba is our what? It's like our Midwest?

• 52:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:58Andrew Santino?

  And because Edmonton is Texas.

• 53:00Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 53:00Andrew Santino?

  Alberta's south.

• 53:01Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 53:02Andrew Santino?

  And then east is France.

• 53:05Speaker 06

  East is France.

• 53:06Andrew Santino?

  And west is, say it, China.

• 53:09Speaker 06

  Damn it.

• 53:11Andrew Santino?

  You were right there, dude. Giving it to you, I gave it to you.

• 53:14Speaker 06

  You did.

• 53:15Andrew Santino?

  What's the, what's the one province you've never been to?

• 53:17Speaker 06

  Uh, PEI.

• 53:19Andrew Santino?

  Uh, we don't.

• 53:20Speaker 06

  Or the, out of the territories, I've never absorbed up there.

• 53:22Andrew Santino?

  Way up north?

• 53:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm not going up there.

• 53:24Andrew Santino?

  Why not?

• 53:24Speaker 06

  I could, it's, it's cold.

• 53:26Andrew Santino?

  You scared of natives?

• 53:26Speaker 06

  No, it's cold.

• 53:27Andrew Santino?

  What do you guys call them, indigenous folk?

• 53:28Speaker 06

  Yes, well, we had Nunavut, that's a new one we got.

• 53:31Andrew Santino?

  In, Inuit?

• 53:31Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:32Andrew Santino?

  Inuit?

• 53:32Speaker 06

  I guess, yes.

• 53:33Andrew Santino?

  And it's, it's, it's no, not kosher now to say native, they don't like that, right?

• 53:37Speaker 06

  No.

• 53:38Andrew Santino?

  But why?

• 53:39Speaker 06

  I, I'm not native, I don't know.

• 53:40Andrew Santino?

  No, but isn't it weird though?

• 53:41Speaker 04

  When we were taking the-

• 53:42Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 53:42Speaker 04

  When we were taking the AP test in high school, they said it's not, uh, Native Americans anymore, it's Amero Indians.

• 53:48Speaker 06

  Oh, Amero Indians.

• 53:49Speaker 04

  That's what the AP changed to in 2016.

• 53:52Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 53:53Speaker 06

  Huh.

• 53:53Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 53:54Speaker 06

  It's still a while ago, it's probably-

• 53:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm still gonna call them what I call them.

• 53:59Speaker 06

  No, PEI is small.

• 54:01Andrew Santino?

  Your grandfathered in, whatever it was when you were a kid, like, I'm still gonna call it an Indian rug burn, I'm still gonna say, I'm sitting Indian style. Your grandfathered in, if that was the term when I was a kid, that's the term until I'm dead.

• 54:11Speaker 06

  Are you giving Indian rug burns still?

• 54:12Andrew Santino?

  Every single day, you're about to get my money on the show. That's how we sign off.

• 54:15Speaker 06

  Sign off. This is a nice goodbye.

• 54:17Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Tidym, my guest today is getting a fucking Indian rug burn.

• 54:21Speaker 06

  Skin flakes everywhere.

• 54:23Andrew Santino?

  I think you're grandfathered in terms, un- unless the term is so hate fueled, that you're like, come on, you don't need to say that. It's not that you can't, it's like, you don't need to.

• 54:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's all, that's how, you know, we learn.

• 54:33Andrew Santino?

  Sitting Indian style to me is like, how is that the most of a, that's how they said. I'm a Sebastian again? That's how they said. But it's also, that's how they say it when you see fucking photos, that's how they're sitting cross like, what do they say the kids say? Crisscross applesauce, right, that's like the nice way to say it.

• 54:50Speaker 06

  That's an American way.

• 54:51Andrew Santino?

  I don't even like applesauce.

• 54:52Speaker 06

  You don't?

• 54:53Andrew Santino?

  What the fuck?

• 54:54Speaker 06

  What the hell's wrong with you?

• 54:54Andrew Santino?

  I want an apple, I don't want the lump, the lump, the pump, the lumps.

• 54:57Speaker 04

  Cinnamon applesauce?

• 54:58Speaker 06

  If you're having lumps, you're not having the right sauce.

• 55:00Andrew Santino?

  See, this is the problem, when you say cinnamon applesauce, that's, that, all, all the credit is given to the cinnamon. None to the sauce of the apple. Right, so you could say cinnamon on anything, it's delicious, so that's the cinnamon, and it's not the applesauce that you like. Right?

• 55:11Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 55:12Speaker 04

  It's like a bacon wrapped water chestnut.

• 55:14Speaker 06

  Bacon wrapped water chestnut?

• 55:15Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna fire him today, don't worry about it.

• 55:17Speaker 06

  I'm like, this guy's gotta go.

• 55:18Andrew Santino?

  But think about this though.

• 55:19Speaker 06

  Bacon wrapped water chestnut?

• 55:20Andrew Santino?

  Okay, what is the thing that Canada has that we don't have? Cause I know one thing, I, I love Canada by the way, they have a big, big place in my heart.

• 55:26Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 55:26Andrew Santino?

  One of my favorite places to go to, some of my favorite people.

• 55:29Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 55:30Andrew Santino?

  And the fact that we don't have all dressed chips down here.

• 55:32Speaker 06

  It's so upsetting.

• 55:33Andrew Santino?

  What are we talking?

• 55:34Speaker 06

  What the fuck are you doing?

• 55:35Andrew Santino?

  I don't know.

• 55:35Speaker 06

  Some places sell them. I've seen them at Ralph's before.

• 55:38Andrew Santino?

  You can, you can get them at certain, certain places have them, but it's, it should be a thing.

• 55:41Speaker 06

  And you need the ruffles. Do you need the ruffles all dressed? And you guys don't have crispers.

• 55:46Andrew Santino?

  We don't have crispers either.

• 55:47Speaker 06

  You know what crispers are?

• 55:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 55:47Speaker 06

  It's not a chip, it's not a cracker.

• 55:49Andrew Santino?

  It's a crisper. Yeah, it's a crisper.

• 55:50Speaker 06

  It's very tasty, all dressed flavor though, also very good.

• 55:52Andrew Santino?

  But all dressed ruffles is unequivocally the best. It parallels sour cream, the, the sour cream and cheddar ruffles, which are also hello.

• 56:03Speaker 06

  Have you had, cause we don't, you have Miss Vicky's down here, right?

• 56:06Andrew Santino?

  We do.

• 56:06Speaker 06

  But you don't have the, what we have up there, right now we have a spicy dill, and a ketchup Miss Vicky's, and they are fucking good.

• 56:12Andrew Santino?

  See, the ketchup chips I do like, but I don't think they're gonna make their way over the border.

• 56:15Speaker 06

  I think if you start, yeah, okay, fine.

• 56:17Andrew Santino?

  It'll never, that's not good enough to cross, but all dressed.

• 56:19Speaker 06

  Which is weird, it's so American, ketchup.

• 56:22Andrew Santino?

  It is, but that doesn't, but it doesn't taste like our ketchup.

• 56:25Speaker 06

  No, it's weird, it's not really ketchup.

• 56:26Andrew Santino?

  We're gonna send up mustard chips.

• 56:28Speaker 06

  I'd love it. I'd love a Dijon chip, slot me in them right now. Put me in a tub and crunch them all up. I'd, I'd love a nice little fucking mustard.

• 56:36Andrew Santino?

  What do you, what does Canada have that we don't have that you love and miss?

• 56:38Speaker 06

  Obviously healthcare, but I was gonna say, um, I mean, I don't know what I'm doing down here, I don't know what I'm paying for, I'm so confused every time I go. Uh, I, I'm not scared up there. I'm very scared.

• 56:50Andrew Santino?

  I meant food, but yeah.

• 56:51Speaker 06

  Oh, food, food, okay.

• 56:53Andrew Santino?

  You mean violence and crime?

• 56:54Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, violence and crime. I've never been scared in my life walking around downtown Toronto. I lived in there for years. Here, I'm terrified.

• 56:59Andrew Santino?

  What's the scariest, what, wait, what's the most? Passion Flaky's?

• 57:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, you guys, they're like your, it's like a, I don't, look at Passion Flaky, it's like a little pastry thing with like a cream and a strawberry. I don't know what it'll be compared to here, like a moon pie, maybe? Passion Flaky, oh, I love it.

• 57:14Andrew Santino?

  Even the name is Canadian.

• 57:16Speaker 06

  Passion Flaky.

• 57:17Andrew Santino?

  Get yourself a Passion Flaky, eh?

• 57:19Speaker 06

  Fucking go down to the dock.

• 57:20Andrew Santino?

  You'll fucking go down there, have a Flaky, eh?

• 57:23Speaker 06

  Moosehead beer, I love Moosehead beer.

• 57:25Andrew Santino?

  No, we have, we have better beer than Canada, let's be real. You guys got Molson?

• 57:28Speaker 06

  No, we have better lagers. You guys are all about the IPAs down here, I'm sick of it.

• 57:32Andrew Santino?

  No, we're not. Not, not guys like me.

• 57:34Speaker 06

  Take a beer tasting that.

• 57:34Andrew Santino?

  I, give me a good old fashioned domestic.

• 57:37Speaker 06

  What are you liking?

• 57:37Andrew Santino?

  You know which one I like.

• 57:39Speaker 06

  Moosehead, fucking toss a fucking.

• 57:40Andrew Santino?

  Moosehead can kick rocks, get out of here.

• 57:41Speaker 06

  Excuse me, it's a crisp fucking lager there, bro.

• 57:44Andrew Santino?

  What's served internationally? Moosehead, is that gonna be in Europe?

• 57:47Speaker 06

  No, like Bud, uh, Budweiser, I guess.

• 57:50Andrew Santino?

  Budweiser, one of the best beers ever made.

• 57:51Speaker 06

  Really?

• 57:52Andrew Santino?

  Period. Bud heavy. Bud Light, not for me.

• 57:53Speaker 06

  Bud Light's disgusting. Have you ever had Molson Canadian?

• 57:55Andrew Santino?

  Of course I've had Molson, yeah, many a times. It's a good beer, it's okay. I just think, for my money, domestic American beers, the best, they're the most, you find them everywhere you go. My buddy's dad was Brit, and this big, big, big guy, and he'd come into town when we were in college together, and he'd show up to the house, and he would go to the convenience store for, right when they opened, and he'd get two cases of Budweiser, and he would sit in the pool and drink all day. Because back then, this was 23, two years ago, they didn't sell Budweiser over in London yet, or they didn't distribute it the way it is now. You could get it, but it was rare. So this guy, he would, I love Bud, I love Budweiser, and he would sit all day and chug them, and I was like, oh man, that's fun. And then I started drinking Budweiser, I loved them. Tried to switch to Bud Light because of, you know, old fatty Patty, can't do it. There's only one light beer that I like.

• 58:39Speaker 06

  Of course.

• 58:39Andrew Santino?

  Nah.

• 58:40Speaker 06

  What are you doing?

• 58:41Andrew Santino?

  Miller time, baby.

• 58:42Speaker 06

  Miller, Miller's not bad, Miller's not bad for light beer.

• 58:44Andrew Santino?

  It's a sippable long beer, you can do it all the time. It's a daily.

• 58:47Speaker 06

  It's a daily.

• 58:48Andrew Santino?

  It's a daily.

• 58:49Speaker 06

  Wait, this man was just sitting in the pool the whole day?

• 58:51Andrew Santino?

  He would go sit on the, he would sit out there in one of the floaties for hours and hours and hours, drink Budweiser, not communicate with us. I'm not kidding. Mark's dad, he knows.

• 59:00Speaker 06

  I was shriveled was his guy's pee pee.

• 59:01Andrew Santino?

  Huge, huge British dick. He was a big guy.

• 59:04Speaker 06

  But wouldn't it get all like a raisin?

• 59:06Andrew Santino?

  Mine goes inside my body. I tuck it in.

• 59:08Speaker 06

  Tuck it in.

• 59:08Andrew Santino?

  When I get in water.

• 59:09Speaker 06

  Time to swim. Tucky tucky.

• 59:10Andrew Santino?

  I poke it right in.

• 59:12Speaker 06

  Whoa. The old thumb and the pee pee tip. We all know that trick. That would be insane. You know, guys go swimming? Hello, cannonball. You jump in the pool.

• 59:24Andrew Santino?

  Dude, go get those dive sticks. One sec.

• 59:28Andrew Santino?

  Dive sticks, that's great.

• 59:29Speaker 06

  Those are fun. I love those.

• 59:31Andrew Santino?

  What do we have in America that is great that Canadians don't have that you go, hey, man, this is why I can't believe we didn't get that?

• 59:37Speaker 06

  Oh, fuck. What the hell do I?

• 59:39Andrew Santino?

  There's gotta be stuff that you see on a daily basis.

• 59:40Speaker 06

  I'm trying to think of stuff I see on a daily basis.

• 59:42Andrew Santino?

  What about the crime?

• 59:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, crime. I love crime.

• 59:44Andrew Santino?

  We're number one. Who's gonna be better than us?

• 59:47Speaker 06

  What the fuck do I like? Alcohol is so much cheaper. Holy fuck.

• 59:51Andrew Santino?

  Seriously?

• 59:51Speaker 06

  Un- unparalleled.

• 59:53Andrew Santino?

  Wait, why is it you? I wonder why.

• 59:54Speaker 06

  I don't know.

• 59:55Andrew Santino?

  Well, do you guys have those, um, careful, Andrew, jiggers? That's, you know, you know what I mean.

• 59:59Speaker 06

  No, I don't.

• 59:59Andrew Santino?

  A jigger is a perfect measurement of an ounce. You know, you've seen, they have them, Europe, they used to have them a lot. They're connected to the bottom of a bottle and you push it up and it only measures a perfect ounce.

• 1:00:07Speaker 06

  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, we don't have that.

• 1:00:09Andrew Santino?

  You don't do that.

• 1:00:09Speaker 06

  I don't know, no, but I mean like.

• 1:00:10Andrew Santino?

  It's free pour.

• 1:00:11Speaker 06

  Free pour, but, you know, and also if you have a shot in Toronto, it's exactly, they're like.

• 1:00:16Andrew Santino?

  Bullshit.

• 1:00:17Speaker 06

  One measurement is so bullshit. Here they're free pouring, but like coming here, I, the alcohol itself, I became an alcoholic. I, you can get a, what, 26er of Smirnoff vodka for, what is it? $11?

• 1:00:28Andrew Santino?

  Probably 10 bucks, yeah, 12 bucks, yeah.

• 1:00:29Speaker 06

  $35, $40.

• 1:00:31Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:00:31Speaker 06

  It's, it's like beyond double. It's bizarre.

• 1:00:33Andrew Santino?

  It's gotta be, well, the government's gotta tax the shit out of it. That's why they want that.

• 1:00:36Speaker 06

  And we, now it's changing, but when I moved out here, you can only buy liquor in Toronto from like the LCBO, the liquor, whatever.

• 1:00:43Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:00:43Speaker 06

  Or the beer store. So if you can go to those, like, how, in the grocery stores, I was like, grocery stores, I can buy a fucking.

• 1:00:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:49Speaker 06

  Sleeve of booze right now and a sleeve of Oreos. Hungry, hungry and thirsty. Uh, you can do that. It was so annoying.

• 1:00:56Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's like in the South, there's certain places they have ABC stores, liquor store, government regulated liquor stores.

• 1:01:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:01:02Andrew Santino?

  Right? Certain spots.

• 1:01:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:03Andrew Santino?

  Also, you know, like in Salt Lake, they do, uh, they don't, they, I mean, that place is unbelievable, man. I love it, but every time we go out, they're like, there's limited amounts, they're limited on the alcohol content. And then also when you go out to go get stuff after hours, we wanted to go get some cocktails, bring them back to the hotel. Nothing, everything's closed, you can't buy it anywhere. I was like, what's the difference, man? Well, just let them have it, they're gonna have it anyway.

• 1:01:23Speaker 06

  They're really doing bad things to their wives and getting away with it. That's what they're doing. That's what's happening.

• 1:01:28Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, Mormonism, dude. How many husbands could you have if you could have many husbands?

• 1:01:33Speaker 06

  None, I love one. Jefferson's, perfect. I can't be, I can't be doing all these people.

• 1:01:38Andrew Santino?

  Well, we asked him, and he has a different answer. Play the clip.

• 1:01:41Speaker 06

  I would start sobbing right now. We first started dating, that was a big thing. I'm like, I'm way too jealous to open anything up.

• 1:01:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:47Speaker 06

  And I'm like, I like a clean pee pee. I like knowing the pee pee's been.

• 1:01:50Andrew Santino?

  No other pee pee. No, this is my pee pee.

• 1:01:52Speaker 06

  It's my pee pee.

• 1:01:53Andrew Santino?

  This is my pee pee.

• 1:01:53Speaker 06

  It's your poo, it's your poo. It's my pee pee, it's your pussy, it's the same thing.

• 1:01:56Andrew Santino?

  This is mine, this is yours, eh?

• 1:01:58Speaker 06

  I, I like the one.

• 1:02:00Andrew Santino?

  This is your penis for life.

• 1:02:01Speaker 06

  I, oh, I could, I.

• 1:02:02Andrew Santino?

  You're locked in.

• 1:02:03Speaker 06

  I'm, I'm locked in.

• 1:02:04Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:02:05Speaker 06

  Carve my pussy like your, like your penis, and just put it in there and turn the key, keep it in there.

• 1:02:10Andrew Santino?

  Does he shave?

• 1:02:11Speaker 06

  Down there?

• 1:02:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:12Speaker 06

  Yeah. I don't like, I like pubes.

• 1:02:14Andrew Santino?

  You like pubes.

• 1:02:15Speaker 06

  Weird baldness, I don't like the bald down there, it's just dick.

• 1:02:18Andrew Santino?

  I did that one time, I shaved it too close in college and my, the college girl that I was dating, she was really bummed out about it.

• 1:02:26Speaker 06

  It's bizarre.

• 1:02:27Andrew Santino?

  I thought it was fun, just for fun, just once, I wanna see it.

• 1:02:29Speaker 06

  Once is fun.

• 1:02:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:30Speaker 06

  But then when you see it's too much skin.

• 1:02:32Andrew Santino?

  It's a lot of skin.

• 1:02:33Speaker 06

  It's skin to dick.

• 1:02:35Andrew Santino?

  And he has big balls, huh? And when you have big balls, it's way too much skin.

• 1:02:38Speaker 06

  The balls aren't big, it's.

• 1:02:39Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, so his balls aren't big?

• 1:02:41Speaker 06

  My balls are okay, it's pee pee.

• 1:02:42Andrew Santino?

  It's the pee pee, it's that papa, no?

• 1:02:44Speaker 06

  It's a papa, no.

• 1:02:44Andrew Santino?

  Alright, enough talking about it. He's gonna see this and be like, Jesus Christ, we just talked 30 minutes about my penis?

• 1:02:48Speaker 06

  I know, he's gonna be, he will watch this.

• 1:02:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but that's not, that's, that's your fault. That's, God gave it to you, buddy.

• 1:02:52Speaker 06

  It's good, it's nice.

• 1:02:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, what the hell? I wonder about that. You, like, guys do a thing with our, you see your dad's penis as a, as a young man, it's a, it's a process of life, you just do. And you get scared and bummed out, you're like, damn dude, am I ever gonna get one? You know, when you're a little boy, you see it, and then women have never had, you've never had, you don't see your mom's vagina and go, whoa, am I gonna, it's never gonna be.

• 1:03:11Speaker 06

  I saw my mom's tits, and I was like.

• 1:03:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but tits, you see tits in the day. You see women with big tits when you're young and little tits. But seeing your dad's wiener when you're a kid, you'll see it. He's walking to the bathroom or something. And you're like, Jesus Christ, do I get one of those? And it gets in your head.

• 1:03:27Speaker 06

  And then you think about that.

• 1:03:29Andrew Santino?

  Right. And then finally, when you do get one, and then it's bigger than your dad's, and you're like, "Look at that, eh?"

• 1:03:34Speaker 06

  I wouldn't have that problem. I saw my dad's by accident.

• 1:03:37Andrew Santino?

  So your dad's wiener? How old? Thirty-two.

• 1:03:40Speaker 06

  Yep, it was around there.

• 1:03:41Andrew Santino?

  No, really?

• 1:03:42Speaker 06

  Yes, he had prostate cancer.

• 1:03:44Speaker 00

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• 1:04:28Speaker 00

  Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up.

• 1:04:34Speaker 06

  Went home to help him.

• 1:04:35Andrew Santino?

  My dad did too. Air high five.

• 1:04:37Speaker 06

  And he's fine now. And he went, "Oh, fuck!" And when someone yells that, you go, "Huh? Did I say this on this podcast?" I feel like I did. Anyways, I looked over and I went, "What?" When someone screams at. He was putting the catheter back in the C-hole. I'm not gonna lie to you. Biggest penis I've ever seen in my entire life. I was like, "Holy Toledo, fuck you, Ohio!" I was like, "Oh, my God." Big.

• 1:05:01Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 1:05:01Speaker 06

  Big. I was like, he's probably pissed he didn't have sons.

• 1:05:04Andrew Santino?

  That's why your mom's bow-legged, huh? I've seen her. She walks like she got off a horse all day.

• 1:05:10Speaker 06

  She can't walk.

• 1:05:11Andrew Santino?

  Where are your parents? Where are they?

• 1:05:12Speaker 06

  They're right now in Toronto.

• 1:05:14Andrew Santino?

  I say that every time I see you get offstage. I go, "Where's this woman's parents?" My God.

• 1:05:18Speaker 06

  They're in Toronto.

• 1:05:19Andrew Santino?

  They'll never leave.

• 1:05:19Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:05:20Andrew Santino?

  They hate the States.

• 1:05:21Speaker 06

  Well, they also, why would they come here? They have a house, they have a cottage.

• 1:05:23Andrew Santino?

  But you, they see you, they wanna see you.

• 1:05:25Speaker 06

  They don't need to see me.

• 1:05:26Andrew Santino?

  Well, how often do you go back?

• 1:05:27Speaker 06

  Not enough.

• 1:05:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:29Speaker 06

  They love my, they have a niece now, they're so happy.

• 1:05:31Andrew Santino?

  They have a grandkid, you mean?

• 1:05:32Speaker 06

  They have a grandkid, yes.

• 1:05:33Andrew Santino?

  You know what, they're, they're, they're too far, that's the problem. Toronto's really far from here.

• 1:05:36Speaker 06

  It is.

• 1:05:36Andrew Santino?

  Inconveniently far.

• 1:05:37Speaker 06

  It's very far. I wanted to go to New York and then, you know, here I am.

• 1:05:41Andrew Santino?

  Would you ever go to New York?

• 1:05:42Speaker 06

  I went there last week, it's too much.

• 1:05:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:45Speaker 06

  Chaos.

• 1:05:46Andrew Santino?

  You don't like all that?

• 1:05:46Speaker 06

  Stinks.

• 1:05:47Andrew Santino?

  Stinks?

• 1:05:48Speaker 06

  Reeks.

• 1:05:49Andrew Santino?

  You don't like that?

• 1:05:50Speaker 06

  I'm used to this now.

• 1:05:51Andrew Santino?

  This is what you like?

• 1:05:52Speaker 06

  I like this. I have a golden retriever, she's walking around.

• 1:05:55Andrew Santino?

  What's, what's her name?

• 1:05:56Speaker 06

  Susan.

• 1:05:57Andrew Santino?

  Susan?

• 1:05:58Speaker 06

  Susan.

• 1:05:58Andrew Santino?

  From HR?

• 1:05:59Speaker 06

  From HR?

• 1:06:00Andrew Santino?

  That's so cute.

• 1:06:00Speaker 06

  She's so cute.

• 1:06:01Andrew Santino?

  She sheds a lot?

• 1:06:02Speaker 06

  So bad. She, alright, she's the groomer right now, getting her ass squeezed.

• 1:06:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh, getting her glands?

• 1:06:06Speaker 06

  Oh, it's, and I like, someone's like, do it yourself, there's like YouTube videos, I'm not, I'm not squeezing my dog's ass.

• 1:06:11Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:06:12Speaker 06

  There's enough going on in my house.

• 1:06:13Andrew Santino?

  You'll set up your own camera to show, but you're not squeezing your dog's ass.

• 1:06:15Speaker 06

  I'll set up, I'll edit the clips, I'll post it myself, I'm not fucking squeezing that.

• 1:06:18Andrew Santino?

  What do they call that? Uh, uh, uh, anal release, what do they call it? There's a name for it, though.

• 1:06:24Speaker 06

  Anal exasperate, no, what is it?

• 1:06:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, oh, you're there, you're right there.

• 1:06:27Speaker 06

  Is it an exasperation or something?

• 1:06:27Andrew Santino?

  Anal, anal, uh, anal, uh, uh.

• 1:06:30Speaker 06

  Secretions?

• 1:06:31Andrew Santino?

  No, that's what comes out. When they do get nervous, huh?

• 1:06:34Speaker 04

  Anal release exasperation?

• 1:06:35Andrew Santino?

  Nah, maybe, yeah, that sounds too convoluted, but maybe that's it.

• 1:06:38Speaker 06

  I just took her to a place now and I go, I don't know how to say the word.

• 1:06:40Andrew Santino?

  What are they gonna change that to in schools? You know, what's next?

• 1:06:44Speaker 06

  That's what I call it forever, I'm not changing my mind now. I went and said, I'm like, can you do this? She's like, huh? And this Russian girl, I go, squeeze her asshole, I don't know what you want me to say.

• 1:06:52Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yes, of course, asshole, I will squeeze, yes.

• 1:06:54Speaker 06

  I was like, squeeze her asshole.

• 1:06:55Andrew Santino?

  You want me squeezing cup, you want to keep? No, no, no, I don't, uh, take it with you.

• 1:06:58Speaker 06

  I don't need to keep that.

• 1:06:58Andrew Santino?

  My dog is, uh, my dog gets it done, uh, not frequently enough, unfortunately, because she's, she gets a little, like, like, long road trips, like, or plane rides.

• 1:07:07Speaker 06

  Does she drag it?

• 1:07:08Andrew Santino?

  She won't drag it, but she'll stink.

• 1:07:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's not a drag, she like licks it and then she just eats her own ass out and then it's still like fish.

• 1:07:14Andrew Santino?

  No, you could if you want to. You would if you could.

• 1:07:18Speaker 06

  I would, I would eat, I don't think I would. If I had a dick, I'd suck it.

• 1:07:21Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 1:07:22Speaker 06

  It's so much easier. Just like this slop it around.

• 1:07:24Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's not easy because when you're done, it's you feel bad about it.

• 1:07:30Andrew Santino?

  The idea that every guy has tried that is insane because even the thought, getting to even thinking about that, is a little psychotic. Like, it's a little...

• 1:07:39Speaker 06

  I beg to differ. I think a lot of guys I know who will openly talk about it were young. You're at that phase in your life where you're a horny little pervert and you're rubbing your dick on anything.

• 1:07:49Andrew Santino?

  Right, you just hump it, but you never try to...

• 1:07:50Speaker 06

  They want to try it, but maybe if one time you get like a little sucky-sucky, you're like, "I'd eat more."

• 1:07:55Andrew Santino?

  Nah, I get, nah, nah, never.

• 1:07:56Speaker 06

  I felt the taste.

• 1:07:56Andrew Santino?

  Just hump everything. You hump, you hump, you hump, you hump.

• 1:07:58Speaker 06

  I was humping.

• 1:07:59Andrew Santino?

  You and pillows.

• 1:07:59Speaker 06

  Oh, I humped on top.

• 1:08:00Andrew Santino?

  Pillow, pillow girl.

• 1:08:01Speaker 06

  Oh, I piloted up.

• 1:08:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:02Speaker 06

  I was piloting it.

• 1:08:03Andrew Santino?

  All the time. You're a horny little girl.

• 1:08:06Speaker 06

  I was a horny little pig, yeah.

• 1:08:07Andrew Santino?

  And what changed?

• 1:08:08Speaker 06

  Nothing at all.

• 1:08:11Speaker 06

  It got almost worse. It's simply, my sex drive is like way higher now than it's ever been.

• 1:08:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, they say, isn't this the peak, right, from like women's 35 to 45 is like their...

• 1:08:19Speaker 06

  Oh, is it? Okay.

• 1:08:20Andrew Santino?

  This is why it's so confusing. We miss each other, right? You guys are like in your late 30s is your peak. Our peak is when we're like 17.

• 1:08:24Speaker 06

  Which is like sick.

• 1:08:26Andrew Santino?

  It's disg- yeah, it's weird. Well, biology's wrong. What is it?

• 1:08:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:29Andrew Santino?

  Was I right?

• 1:08:29Speaker 04

  It's the 30s and early 40s.

• 1:08:31Andrew Santino?

  Early, it's the women, it's a woman's peak. Which, that's the irony is a man's testosterone starts to peter off at around 40, so it's like, what's going on? Well, what is this, this begs the question. Shouldn't we all be gay?

• 1:08:42Speaker 06

  Yeah, I was like, wait, what are you gonna say?

• 1:08:45Speaker 04

  Also, earlier when I looked up stuff about pregnancy, it says for the first time in history, women over 40 are getting pregnant more frequently than teenagers.

• 1:08:53Andrew Santino?

  There you go. Well, because teens are now being scared into submission of not having children. They finally believe all the shit that they hear.

• 1:08:59Speaker 04

  There's also more, it's 40 and above, so there's more people.

• 1:09:01Speaker 06

  And well, because also a lot of women are freezing their eggs and it's become more acceptable publicly and like in society for women our age.

• 1:09:08Andrew Santino?

  And teens aren't boning like we were when we were young.

• 1:09:09Speaker 06

  And we're realizing we want a fucking life as a youth. I don't want to be a 21-year-old as a fucking kid. What the hell would I be doing?

• 1:09:15Andrew Santino?

  See, then I think if I had a kid at 18 would have been great because then you're done when you're 36 and you get to live again.

• 1:09:20Speaker 06

  But you wouldn't have been doing all the shit.

• 1:09:21Andrew Santino?

  What did I do? I didn't do anything. I fucked around for 30.

• 1:09:24Speaker 06

  You built a fucking... Comedy career, goddammit.

• 1:09:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and it's just.

• 1:09:27Speaker 06

  You wouldn't have done this.

• 1:09:28Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's over, I'll tell you that.

• 1:09:29Speaker 06

  That's it.

• 1:09:30Andrew Santino?

  I got old big, big, big legs here in the office. I mean, what did I really create? What did I rea- Sometimes I, I think about this tiny little, tiny, tiny little empire that we created and I think, was it worth it? Was it worth it?

• 1:09:41Speaker 06

  It was!

• 1:09:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, was it? I mean, look at me.

• 1:09:42Speaker 06

  You're family in Italy.

• 1:09:43Andrew Santino?

  Look at I have to see this guy all the time now? No, it was.

• 1:09:47Speaker 06

  At least you have somebody. I'm, I'm doing it myself. I do all this in my own house and then I just go, "Well, what's this for?"

• 1:09:53Andrew Santino?

  Well, you know, I'll tell you what it's for. A continuation of a wonderful career that's completely on the rise. And I see no fall for you. I see no fall.

• 1:10:00Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:10:01Andrew Santino?

  I see a continu- It's a slow rise.

• 1:10:03Speaker 06

  Oh, trust me, I'm 23 years in. It's a fucking crawl, buddy. We are, wow, I'm fucking army crawling.

• 1:10:09Andrew Santino?

  You wouldn't have it any other way. You wouldn't have it any other way.

• 1:10:12Speaker 06

  No, I wouldn't. I, I honestly wouldn't be, I see people that are like, you know, getting stuff from Kill Tony, who have only been doing it for a few years.

• 1:10:18Andrew Santino?

  What is that?

• 1:10:19Speaker 06

  I'm see- I'm seeing, I'm like, you know, it's, I, I, I, obviously it's congrats that you're doing that, but I'm like, I'm, I'm at a point where like, I'm so confident with my standup and my like, my trajectory and I'm like, I know I have the receipts to prove it.

• 1:10:33Andrew Santino?

  You got it.

• 1:10:33Speaker 06

  So I'm like, I'm, I'm trained. I'm ready to go now.

• 1:10:35Andrew Santino?

  You are. You're ready to blast off.

• 1:10:37Speaker 06

  I'm not like flopping in, doing question and answers for the last 30 minutes of my set. I'm doing an hour of comedy, goddammit!

• 1:10:44Andrew Santino?

  Straight comedy.

• 1:10:45Speaker 06

  Well, I wouldn't say.

• 1:10:47Andrew Santino?

  I know, it comes off a little gay.

• 1:10:48Speaker 06

  Some of my crowd work is, I don't know what that is.

• 1:10:51Andrew Santino?

  Questionable.

• 1:10:52Speaker 06

  Nah, I watch back on my clips, I'm like, "I thought this was funny."

• 1:10:54Andrew Santino?

  Have you done, did you do, uh, have you done the mothership?

• 1:10:57Speaker 06

  I have.

• 1:10:58Andrew Santino?

  You have? You like it? You enjoy it down there? Did you do Kill Tony?

• 1:11:01Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:11:01Andrew Santino?

  No. You didn't like it down there?

• 1:11:02Speaker 06

  I'm, you see the adjusting of the sock?

• 1:11:04Andrew Santino?

  You could be candid, who cares?

• 1:11:05Speaker 06

  No, I, I didn't like it. I didn't like the vibe at the mothership. I got in trouble for being in the green room, apparently.

• 1:11:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you did?

• 1:11:12Speaker 06

  I got, the, a security guard took me into the green room.

• 1:11:14Andrew Santino?

  Took you right out.

• 1:11:15Speaker 06

  And I was like, "Hello." And then apparently after, I wasn't invited in, so apparently Joe was mad at me.

• 1:11:20Andrew Santino?

  That you were there?

• 1:11:21Speaker 06

  That I was in the green room.

• 1:11:21Andrew Santino?

  But he knows who you are? You've met him before?

• 1:11:22Speaker 06

  No, he doesn't. I met him that day. I got up, I go, "Hello, how are you?" "Great club." And then apparently, I was ousted the next day.

• 1:11:30Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:11:30Speaker 06

  But I didn't, I don't want the vibe there. I, I don't know. I mean, also, I'm like, he could have just been like, "Get the fuck out of here." I'm like, "Your club?"

• 1:11:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.

• 1:11:39Speaker 06

  But it wasn't that. I, it was, it was the vibe of the, I went, I did it again last year. It's the, it's the other comedians.

• 1:11:46Andrew Santino?

  You don't like it?

• 1:11:47Speaker 06

  It's very F-word retard. It's that. Women are stupid, women are unfunny, women are...

• 1:11:56Andrew Santino?

  I haven't disagreed with one thing you've said so far.

• 1:11:59Speaker 06

  It was very misogynistic and homophobic and it was, I didn't like the vibe.

• 1:12:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:05Speaker 06

  It was not, not, I will say all the door guys were fucking amazing.

• 1:12:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:08Speaker 06

  And the club itself is set up, it's fucking incredible.

• 1:12:11Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 1:12:11Speaker 06

  It's, I'm like, Jesus Christ, Mitzi's the fucking bar, only having comics in there after, like, the whole, that vibe was great.

• 1:12:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:17Speaker 06

  But when I was in the room, watching these comics, and the problem is, I fucking killed. I fucking destroyed. And I was like, and I felt so comfortable on stage, I was doing crowd work, I'm like, oh, this could be cool, but I'm like, then I had to listen to comics make fun of another gay comic for 15 minutes, Justin Martindale, fucking murdered, and then a comic went up after him and just said, he's pretty much, he's a piece of shit for 15 minutes. I was like, this is bizarre behavior.

• 1:12:38Andrew Santino?

  Made fun of the previous, made fun of him?

• 1:12:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, after he murdered.

• 1:12:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:40Speaker 06

  And did no gay jokes. Even if he did, it doesn't matter, but...

• 1:12:43Andrew Santino?

  Well, he's so fucking gay, every joke he does is a gay joke.

• 1:12:46Speaker 06

  Well, he was sucking his own dick on stage the whole time, but I was like, we get it.

• 1:12:50Andrew Santino?

  Santino can't do this.

• 1:12:53Andrew Santino?

  No, I, I, no, everything isn't gonna be forever, and I totally, there's no, there's no hate on that, I'm just, I'm always curious to be, how they received that place, I mean, I, I've only been once. Um, I only went there once, because I just, you know, I stopped touring and I got around, and I just, I did it once and I've never gone back down there, but...

• 1:13:08Speaker 06

  It's beautiful.

• 1:13:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, it's funny because...

• 1:13:10Speaker 06

  The setup, the, the lease, I love it, I felt so safe.

• 1:13:12Andrew Santino?

  But the, but the Sixth Street, or what, is it Sixth Street, what's up front? Sixth Street, right?

• 1:13:15Speaker 04

  I think so.

• 1:13:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, that street's crazy.

• 1:13:17Andrew Santino?

  I said that's insane, I like that, I don't like that, I feel like that's World Star Hip-Hop Live, I mean, it's just like a fucking...

• 1:13:22Speaker 06

  There was a guy right up front, far, went in, he put himself into a suitcase. Like a small, like a, like a square suitcase. He folded his body...

• 1:13:29Andrew Santino?

  A comic? Oh no, just a street guy?

• 1:13:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, no, I hope it was a comic. He was a homeless man that folded himself...

• 1:13:34Andrew Santino?

  Coming up next to the stage, you're gonna fucking love this guy, he can fold himself up in a fucking suitcase.

• 1:13:38Speaker 06

  If you literally, if that's how the, if the host brought you up and opened a suitcase, you came out, that would be incredible.

• 1:13:43Andrew Santino?

  So funny.

• 1:13:44Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 1:13:44Andrew Santino?

  Start working on that.

• 1:13:45Speaker 06

  I gave that guy five bucks. I'd say that guy, I was like, that's, that's a, that's a tip.

• 1:13:49Andrew Santino?

  Last time I was down there, I got yelled at by, uh, um, Black Israelites, you know these guys, have you seen these guys? They're great. I sound like Norm MacDonald, you know these guys, you seen these guys? They're Black Israelites. They were yelling and screaming. And shouting and I was like, I don't even know. I don't, I don't, I don't, what do you want me to say? They were like screaming at people out front.

• 1:14:07Speaker 06

  And you're like, I don't know. I was like, mothership?

• 1:14:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they were right. Well, they're, they're on Sixth Street screaming and yelling and protest, uh, uh, in, uh, prophesizing, I guess is the word, right? Isn't that the word where they do that? Prophecy? Where you're yelling the gospel? That's prophesizing?

• 1:14:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:14:20Andrew Santino?

  Like I saw a woman on TikTok the other day, made me laugh so fucking hard. She went to a school to try to prophesy about how abstinence is key and you, you know, everyone is a whore that's in college. And she was singing the lyrics of that song, uh, give me one margarita, I'mma open my legs. Do you know the song?

• 1:14:34Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:14:34Andrew Santino?

  Oh man, this is internet's gold. But she's saying, as she's saying it, she says it and every time she says another line, they cheer. She thinks they're gonna be like, but she's like, this woman says, give me one margarita, I'll open my legs. And all the students.

• 1:14:48Speaker 06

  Yeah, they're like.

• 1:14:49Andrew Santino?

  She thinks she's winning them over. Yeah. I never got the privilege of seeing these people. They never came to ASU because ASU is just a, it's everyone is, everyone's a criminal center.

• 1:14:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:14:58Andrew Santino?

  Turd. I mean, I went to a, I went to the college where people go to not go to college. I didn't go to like a studious, you know?

• 1:15:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:15:05Andrew Santino?

  You didn't go to school?

• 1:15:06Speaker 06

  I did. Clown college. Two-year comedy writing performance program.

• 1:15:09Andrew Santino?

  You told me that. That's right. You and Steve-O.

• 1:15:12Speaker 06

  Steve-O went there.

• 1:15:13Andrew Santino?

  He was in clown college.

• 1:15:14Speaker 06

  Well, it wasn't, I mean, it's called a Humber comedy program. It's a two-year writing and performance program.

• 1:15:18Andrew Santino?

  Where is it?

• 1:15:19Speaker 06

  In Toronto.

• 1:15:20Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:15:21Speaker 06

  But I call it clown college because there was a clown class and we had to wear nose, the whole thing.

• 1:15:23Andrew Santino?

  Dude, every time I hear that, I think about that scene in Baskets where, where, uh, what's wrong with me? Louis, Louis Anderson is like, he went to clown college. For school, to be a clown professionally. Like it's such an insulting moment.

• 1:15:39Speaker 06

  It is insulting.

• 1:15:40Andrew Santino?

  No, where people say it like that, but it's, but it's a credible thing.

• 1:15:42Speaker 06

  Is it? I got.

• 1:15:43Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean?

• 1:15:44Speaker 06

  I don't, I mean, I, I.

• 1:15:45Andrew Santino?

  It's as credible as saying I went to, if someone went to school for, uh, philosophy or for, uh, uh, you know, international studies, what, what's, that's your focus?

• 1:15:55Speaker 06

  Yeah, but you're learning stuff. I, I'm learning how to yes end in a fucking brightly lit classroom. Like it's bizarre.

• 1:16:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you did it and it worked.

• 1:16:02Speaker 06

  I did, I, it worked because I did so much stand-up afterwards and I did so much sketch comedy and improv afterwards.

• 1:16:07Andrew Santino?

  But it's the same validity if I went to an, if I went to a school to learn how to build motorcycles.

• 1:16:10Speaker 06

  Do you have a, a, money in Humber College?

• 1:16:15Speaker 06

  I love.

• 1:16:15Andrew Santino?

  Click on the link below. Please use code WHISKY at Humber College. Humber Clown College.

• 1:16:20Speaker 06

  Have you seen the guy?

• 1:16:21Andrew Santino?

  Let me do a read, let me do a read for it.

• 1:16:22Speaker 06

  That was a good, that was a good honk. Wow, you're really good at honk sound effects.

• 1:16:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, all night as a seven-year-old boy sitting in bed. Perfecting it.

• 1:16:32Speaker 06

  No one will play with me. Did you, have you seen the guy around LA who carries the Jesus save sign?

• 1:16:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:38Speaker 06

  You've seen him. I just saw him at my intersection like two days ago.

• 1:16:40Andrew Santino?

  Love that guy.

• 1:16:41Speaker 06

  Here's the problem with that guy.

• 1:16:42Andrew Santino?

  Love him.

• 1:16:43Speaker 06

  You would think the amount of bouncing that man does, he'd be jacked. Hey, bald and fat.

• 1:16:48Andrew Santino?

  Bald and fat.

• 1:16:49Speaker 06

  All he does is bounce.

• 1:16:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I can't believe it, yeah.

• 1:16:52Speaker 06

  What's he eating fucking a hundred burgers in between?

• 1:16:55Andrew Santino?

  I've seen him at Chick-fil-A almost every time.

• 1:16:56Speaker 06

  Are you serious?

• 1:16:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's taking a break. God loves chicken.

• 1:17:00Speaker 06

  Not on Sundays, but God loves chicken.

• 1:17:02Andrew Santino?

  God loves chicken. Can you imagine? I had to look this up. I got in an argument with my dad about that. Chick-fil-A, even though they don't serve on Sundays, is still the highest uh, grossing in the United States per, uh, for, um, uh, what is that? Uh, uh, uh, gro- they, they, they net the highest out of any fast food chain, right? You can look it up.

• 1:17:23Speaker 06

  I get a full day off every week.

• 1:17:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and they still make more money than any other chain in the United States, but, uh, that's because of the cost of the thing versus the, the money that they net. Do you know what I'm saying?

• 1:17:35Speaker 06

  Okay, okay, so it's.

• 1:17:35Andrew Santino?

  Why can't I think of the thing? It said, because the highest grossing around the world globally was McDonald's. We looked this up, but, but in the United States, it's still the greatest. I didn't go to business school.

• 1:17:44Speaker 06

  Well, I went to college. I can't up here.

• 1:17:47Speaker 04

  I didn't either, but it said the, it's third because like you said, McDonald's is first, Starbucks is second.

• 1:17:53Andrew Santino?

  But that's globally. In the United States, I think it's the highest grossing for, it doesn't matter. I will find it. My dad and I, because I said, there's no fucking way. And then we, he looked it up. He showed it to me and I was like, Jesus.

• 1:18:03Speaker 06

  That's crazy.

• 1:18:03Andrew Santino?

  It was crazy. And they, and they take a day off. Even still, if it's third, then they take a day off.

• 1:18:07Speaker 06

  It's a full, it's a.

• 1:18:08Andrew Santino?

  What is it? Here, listen.

• 1:18:09Speaker 04

  Average sales per restaurant.

• 1:18:10Andrew Santino?

  Average sales per restaurant.

• 1:18:11Speaker 04

  Not by total system-wide sales.

• 1:18:12Andrew Santino?

  That's what it is. Average sales per restaurant is higher than any other fast food restaurant in the United States.

• 1:18:16Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:18:16Andrew Santino?

  And then they, and they're close. And they're not even all over them.

• 1:18:18Speaker 06

  And also Sundays are a big day for fast food, aren't they? People are out, they're mucking around. That's the day.

• 1:18:22Andrew Santino?

  That's the day. You're, you're hungover from Saturday.

• 1:18:24Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah, that's exactly the day. That's, that would be the highest. That's crazy.

• 1:18:28Andrew Santino?

  When was the last time you were hung, you were hungover?

• 1:18:29Speaker 06

  Oh, fucking New York. Jesus.

• 1:18:31Andrew Santino?

  Bad, bad girl.

• 1:18:32Speaker 06

  Bad, it was so bad. It's disgusting.

• 1:18:34Andrew Santino?

  But now you're cleaned out. You're skinny, you're eating good.

• 1:18:35Speaker 06

  It was two weeks ago. I'm, I'm, I went back, no, it was three weeks ago. I, I'm off for a month. So I go, I do my little stints. I usually a month off drinking, month on, then I'll do like a month and a half off again.

• 1:18:45Andrew Santino?

  Right. And then what's the longest you've gone without drinking?

• 1:18:48Speaker 06

  Uh, before the special, so almost three months.

• 1:18:51Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:18:51Speaker 06

  Yeah. Oh yeah.

• 1:18:53Andrew Santino?

  You missed it, huh?

• 1:18:54Speaker 06

  Oh, baby likes to sip. Baby's mouth was dry. I love a sip. That's why today I was like, oh, I got a little whiskey.

• 1:19:02Andrew Santino?

  Drinks?

• 1:19:02Speaker 06

  Oh, we like to sip.

• 1:19:04Andrew Santino?

  You like to sip together.

• 1:19:05Speaker 06

  We had to take an Uber to Smokehouse, because we like to have a

• 1:19:08Andrew Santino?

  You like to get smushed.

• 1:19:09Speaker 06

  Dirty martinis.

• 1:19:10Andrew Santino?

  Now, tell me this, though. Is the sex better when you guys went out for drinks, or no?

• 1:19:15Speaker 06

  Um.

• 1:19:16Andrew Santino?

  See, I find if we go out and we get smashed, we're not gonna hook up.

• 1:19:19Speaker 06

  No, because we usually get too full.

• 1:19:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's what I mean.

• 1:19:21Speaker 06

  It's not enough from drinking. We're just like filled to the brim with fucking shrimp.

• 1:19:24Andrew Santino?

  Food and shit, yeah.

• 1:19:25Speaker 06

  Fucking whatever the hell.

• 1:19:26Andrew Santino?

  Then you can't bone.

• 1:19:27Speaker 06

  We still do.

• 1:19:28Andrew Santino?

  You do? You do that fat, that whale bone?

• 1:19:30Speaker 06

  Oh, we do the whale bone.

• 1:19:32Andrew Santino?

  Rolling on each other?

• 1:19:33Speaker 06

  I'm already big, and I'm like, he's, both of us have a really good sex drive, so we're like

• 1:19:36Andrew Santino?

  See, I can't do it at that point when we're full and tired from eating and drinking. That's why if I know it's gonna be a fun night.

• 1:19:42Speaker 06

  You do it before.

• 1:19:43Andrew Santino?

  Well, eat something light and drink.

• 1:19:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:46Andrew Santino?

  And drink a little bit, then, then have after-sex cocktails, and you know what I mean?

• 1:19:50Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's nice.

• 1:19:51Andrew Santino?

  Because you gotta save some room. This was never a problem as a young adult.

• 1:19:54Speaker 06

  No, no, no. Now, it's like, I've got cramps.

• 1:19:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm tired. My foot hurts.

• 1:19:58Speaker 06

  Gastric, when the gas comes up, my foot hurts.

• 1:20:00Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you get acid reflux?

• 1:20:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, or like, Jefferson always eats too much, then he barfs. And I'm like, his barfing is out of control. He sounds bulimic. He just eats an insane amount, and then

• 1:20:10Andrew Santino?

  And throws up?

• 1:20:11Speaker 06

  Oh, and the sound of this barfing, it, I should record it.

• 1:20:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:16Speaker 06

  3,000 times that.

• 1:20:17Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:20:17Speaker 06

  It's like Like he's screaming it out.

• 1:20:21Andrew Santino?

  Just because he ate too much, or he's trying to stay thin?

• 1:20:22Speaker 06

  I don't know.

• 1:20:24Andrew Santino?

  Honestly?

• 1:20:24Speaker 06

  No, I think he eats too much, yeah. No, because he's not, he's not, like, we eat a lot.

• 1:20:27Andrew Santino?

  So he's a, he's a binger?

• 1:20:29Speaker 06

  He'll binge, but like, he always eats an amount where he makes himself sick. We don't have to eat the whole thing, put it down, like

• 1:20:35Andrew Santino?

  Like it's a pizza, he's like, you gotta finish it.

• 1:20:37Speaker 06

  You gotta finish it. It's like, it's a triple X, I was too much.

• 1:20:39Andrew Santino?

  But I understand that, though. I have that feeling. When it's a food I really like, I do want to eat too much of it every single time.

• 1:20:44Speaker 06

  But I don't barf.

• 1:20:45Andrew Santino?

  Mexican food, I, no, I don't barf, but I probably should, it'd probably help.

• 1:20:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:20:48Andrew Santino?

  It's like drinking, you know, some people can throw up the next day when they're hungover. I can't.

• 1:20:52Speaker 06

  No, no, no.

• 1:20:53Andrew Santino?

  I haven't puked in years.

• 1:20:54Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:20:54Andrew Santino?

  Year, I don't even know, I couldn't tell you the last time, oh, that's not true. I was sick. I was physically ill.

• 1:20:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:20:59Andrew Santino?

  But from like food or drinking or something. No, I haven't puked in years and years and years. I hold it in.

• 1:21:04Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:21:04Andrew Santino?

  The Irish in me just keeps it low.

• 1:21:05Speaker 06

  Keeps it down, pushes it down. We always went to Ireland. We were deciding to go to

• 1:21:09Andrew Santino?

  Should.

• 1:21:09Speaker 06

  He really wanted to go to Ireland. I know, damn it. I've been to Scotland so many times.

• 1:21:12Andrew Santino?

  Not the same, don't do that. That's not, that's not nice.

• 1:21:14Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:21:14Andrew Santino?

  You know what that's like saying? Oh, your family's from Bulgaria? Oh, Latvia? Same thing.

• 1:21:20Speaker 06

  Well, I'm not offended by that.

• 1:21:23Speaker 06

  I'm actually not offended at all.

• 1:21:24Andrew Santino?

  No, the Scots and Irish are remarkably different people.

• 1:21:27Speaker 06

  I meant like visual. I don't mean like the people.

• 1:21:30Andrew Santino?

  Ah, yeah, no.

• 1:21:31Speaker 06

  Like the rolling hills, I've done the castles.

• 1:21:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the castles and the shit and the thing and the drinking and the sadness.

• 1:21:36Speaker 06

  The sheep and the, yeah.

• 1:21:36Andrew Santino?

  The sheep, the fuck and the sheep.

• 1:21:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, the fuck and the, well, that's... I was like, I think we can't go because I'm gonna be too jealous of you and all those sheep.

• 1:21:42Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's so funny. You see a sheep and you go, "Ah, how could these people fuck these things?" And then you spend like two or three more days there and you're like, "All right."

• 1:21:48Speaker 06

  Okay, I see.

• 1:21:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I get it.

• 1:21:50Speaker 06

  If you're alone on a mountain?

• 1:21:51Andrew Santino?

  Yes, dude, you live in a mountain town.

• 1:21:53Speaker 06

  They're small.

• 1:21:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and everyone in town is your cousin. It's like, well, you can't fuck them.

• 1:21:57Speaker 06

  Would you rather fuck your cousin or a sheep?

• 1:22:01Andrew Santino?

  What if the sheep is my cousin?

• 1:22:04Speaker 06

  Red hair? You're like, that's how you know?

• 1:22:06Andrew Santino?

  Is that a red sheep out there in the fields?

• 1:22:08Speaker 06

  It's got red lettuce. I know of that one.

• 1:22:09Andrew Santino?

  He's been fucking that sheep so much it turned red. An orange sheep in the fields? Steph Tolev, one of my favorite comedians, to ever grace the earth and the stage.

• 1:22:18Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:22:18Andrew Santino?

  A wonderful person.

• 1:22:20Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:22:21Andrew Santino?

  And on her ascension to greatness, as she continues her amazing career, I implore everyone listening to the show to please watch the special on Netflix. It's available right now as we talk to you. Tell a friend, spread the word. This is the only way that comics continue to get more work and tour, and she's on tour.

• 1:22:40Speaker 06

  Tell your wife. Hey, women love me.

• 1:22:41Andrew Santino?

  Women love her.

• 1:22:42Speaker 06

  Hey, if you don't like me, I don't really care.

• 1:22:44Andrew Santino?

  Tell your wife.

• 1:22:45Speaker 06

  Tell your wife.

• 1:22:46Andrew Santino?

  Tell your wife. And what's your website for people to come see, get tickets?

• 1:22:49Speaker 06

  Just my Instagram, @stephtolev on all.

• 1:22:51Andrew Santino?

  @stephtolev on all platforms to go see her live. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera right there. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. You know it. Whenever you're ready.

• 1:23:02Speaker 06

  Chinese.

• 1:23:28Speaker 03

  ...