Jiaoying Summers

Jiaoying Summers is a comedy powerhouse making waves with her unapologetic humor and electric stage presence. Born in China and now dominating the U. S. comedy scene, Jiaoying turns cultural clashes and personal struggles into laugh-out-loud gold. A regular at the Comedy Store and Laugh Factory, she’s also a viral sensation with millions of fans across TikTok and Instagram. Bold, brilliant, and fiercely original, Jiaoying’s voice is one you won’t forget. Catch her live https://summerscomedy.com/ or online—either way, she’ll leave you in stitches. #jiaoyingsummers #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #podcasts #comedy ============================================ Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS ZOCDOC BOOK LOCAL DOCTORS http://zocdoc.com/whiskey ROCKET MONEY GET RID OF USELESS SUBSCRIPTIONS http://rocketmoney.com/whiskey PROPHETX PROMO CODE: WHISKEY GET UP TO $300 IN PROPHET CASH http://getprophetx.co ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Host Thanksgiving with industry-leading quality standards from Whole Foods Market. There are no antibiotics in their meat department, ever. So carve up turkey and spiral cut ham with peace of mind. Shop organic sides like stuffing mix and cranberry sauce from 365 brand. And guess what? All their delectable pies are made with no high fructose corn syrup. Gourmet Thanksgiving flavors with the quality you want, only at Whole Foods Market.

• 0:43Andrew Santino?

  What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show, baby. Leave a comment down below for the algo rhythm. Please tell a friend, spread the word so we continue to do this show through 2025. And here at the beginning of 2025, in the first quarter, I am on tour right now. This very weekend, tomorrow night, I'm in Chicago, Illinois, my hometown, Chicago. Playing the Chicago Theater. It's been sold out and I'm very proud of that. Thank you so much, Chicago, for showing up and showing out. Means a lot to me, means the world to me. I then go to Durham, Durham, Durham, let's go, Durham Bulls. I'm actually wearing my Durham Bulls hat right now. We went to a game last year. Would love to see you guys come out again. And then I go to Charleston, South Carolina. I go to Atlanta, Georgia. I go to Philly. I go to New York.

• 1:28Andrew Santino?

  I'm playing the Beacon in New York, the Met in Philly, which is amazing. I cannot believe I'm getting to play those two venues. I'm super humbled by that. Then I come back to the West Coast and I do San Francisco, Phoenix, San Diego. I go to Boston, Massachusetts, four shows. And then I finally end the tour, shooting my special in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm doing four shows there. You guys, I'm so excited. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets, andrewsantino.com.

• 1:51Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:57Speaker 04

  That creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

• 2:03Speaker 05

  Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

• 2:12Speaker 06

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 2:15Andrew Santino?

  Let's start it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean, once again, today it is Zhao Ying Summers.

• 2:23Speaker 07

  I am here. I made it in Hollywood. I brought a gift.

• 2:27Andrew Santino?

  Give it to me.

• 2:27Speaker 07

  Happy holidays.

• 2:28Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow. Franglman chocolates.

• 2:30Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 2:31Andrew Santino?

  Franglman chocolates.

• 2:32Speaker 07

  It's green.

• 2:33Andrew Santino?

  It's green, right.

• 2:34Speaker 07

  Irish.

• 2:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Irish for me. That's right. Exactly right.

• 2:37Speaker 07

  Red.

• 2:38Andrew Santino?

  That is so funny. This is very sweet. There is whiskey here. We usually drink, but it's pretty early in the morning, so I think we might calm down.

• 2:43Speaker 07

  It's okay.

• 2:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I think we might, because you just got a coffee.

• 2:47Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 2:47Andrew Santino?

  We don't want to have too much.

• 2:48Speaker 07

  Inside here, yeah.

• 2:49Andrew Santino?

  We talked about my editor, Joe. His name is Joe, and Joe means uncle. Is that what you said?

• 2:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, Joe means uncle, or old.

• 2:54Andrew Santino?

  I'm ready to learn Chinese.

• 2:55Speaker 07

  Joe means old or uncle.

• 2:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, what is that? What's that about Chinese that have like nine, nine things mean one thing? Why is that?

• 3:01Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 3:01Andrew Santino?

  What's you guys' deal?

• 3:03Speaker 07

  We just want to confuse people, I guess. There's some code word, so it's easy. Chinese is very confusing.

• 3:08Andrew Santino?

  I know. Well, I wore my shirt for you. Do you see this?

• 3:10Speaker 07

  I really, I've been making Air Jordan since I was five years old, and it's Beijing in the factory. I felt home.

• 3:16Andrew Santino?

  You felt at home, right?

• 3:17Speaker 07

  Thank you.

• 3:17Andrew Santino?

  Let me see your fingers. Those haven't worked in a long time.

• 3:20Speaker 07

  So this, yeah, my nail is not okay. It's, yeah, I should have talked to the Vietnamese people, so they can understand.

• 3:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, fix that.

• 3:26Speaker 07

  We need to fix it. This is not okay.

• 3:27Andrew Santino?

  You like Vietnamese people?

• 3:28Speaker 07

  I think they have good food. I sound white now. I'm white now. They have good food.

• 3:34Andrew Santino?

  How about this, though? This is somebody, you're the first Chinese person with a Chinese letters written on them. That's like a white thing. We do that.

• 3:39Speaker 07

  I wrote it, though. I'm a calligrapher.

• 3:41Andrew Santino?

  What does that say?

• 3:42Speaker 07

  It's a...

• 3:42Andrew Santino?

  Wait, let me try to guess. Open up a little bit so I can see. That says, oh, that says China number one. America number two, Trump forever, wow.

• 3:53Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 3:54Andrew Santino?

  That's what it says.

• 3:55Speaker 07

  You really speak Chinese?

• 3:55Andrew Santino?

  Yes, I do.

• 3:56Speaker 07

  Oh my god.

• 3:57Andrew Santino?

  What does it really say?

• 3:58Speaker 07

  It's um, Tianxingjianjunziyi zichangbixi, di shikunjunziyi hodezai. So I'm a calligrapher, I wrote it, it's a passage from Yi Qing, like Yi Qing. It's basically the way the heaven works is that a gentleman, it was sexist, now it's just a gentlewoman, because it can apply to women too, because women can function too. You have to work hard forever in order to maintain success, but you also have to be a good person, like how earth is heavy and carry all the flaws. So be a good person and work hard and don't complain and just be a communist.

• 4:28Andrew Santino?

  And just be a communist, yeah.

• 4:29Speaker 07

  A communist.

• 4:29Andrew Santino?

  Just fall in line and do the right thing.

• 4:31Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 4:31Andrew Santino?

  But yet you moved here to this country, the capitalist nation of the world.

• 4:35Speaker 07

  I do, I love money, you know, that's, yeah.

• 4:37Andrew Santino?

  Chinese love money.

• 4:38Speaker 07

  They do, we really do, I love money, money heals me.

• 4:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, money's the best.

• 4:41Speaker 07

  You can ask me, I can do whatever you want, I'll massage your feet right now, as long as you just give me, you know, more airtime.

• 4:46Andrew Santino?

  I don't have any cash on me right now, though.

• 4:47Speaker 07

  You don't need to pay me, you can pay me, just get, you know, just get me on your show.

• 4:50Andrew Santino?

  Okay, great, well, you're here, that's perfect.

• 4:52Speaker 07

  That's why, I owe you, the chocolate is not enough.

• 4:55Andrew Santino?

  You do owe me for life, yeah, you owe me for life.

• 4:57Speaker 07

  Yeah, for life.

• 4:58Andrew Santino?

  And you brought, you brought a special friend outside, I don't know if you want to talk about it, but you have a special friend here.

• 5:02Speaker 07

  I told Bobby, it's new, I, it's new, I hope he did not get to know me, if that happens, he's gone, but so far, so good.

• 5:10Andrew Santino?

  So far, so good, he's a big buff white, you got a big buff white.

• 5:13Speaker 07

  He's a, he's a, like a Midwest white guy.

• 5:16Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's the best, that's what I am, from Chicago, we like Midwest white guys.

• 5:19Speaker 07

  Cleveland, he's from Cleveland, I'm going to meet his family. I mean, I haven't had a boyfriend in for four years, so that's the first boyfriend after my divorce.

• 5:26Andrew Santino?

  Wait, why, why for so long, you just didn't want to date anybody?

• 5:29Speaker 07

  I can't get, I can't get any man to date me.

• 5:30Andrew Santino?

  That's not true.

• 5:31Speaker 07

  I, I don't know, I think I can't, I just, I talk and they don't like it.

• 5:35Andrew Santino?

  Right, right, unlike most Chinese women, they don't say anything, that's why white guys like Chinese, but you're the opposite.

• 5:40Speaker 07

  But I give good BJ's though, they don't stay long enough to find that out.

• 5:43Andrew Santino?

  You do.

• 5:43Speaker 07

  They leave too early.

• 5:44Andrew Santino?

  Well, you have small hands?

• 5:45Speaker 07

  Um, no, I just, I deep throat, I, like, I feel like life is like sucking your dick, you go all the way.

• 5:52Andrew Santino?

  You go all the way.

• 5:53Speaker 07

  When you are gonna put that dick in your mouth, you're already a whore, because there's, you can't be like, no, it's the same.

• 5:59Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 6:00Speaker 07

  Listen, is the same.

• 6:01Andrew Santino?

  That's the same, right.

• 6:02Speaker 07

  So I'm just, if it's near my face, it's going all the way in.

• 6:05Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 6:06Speaker 07

  I'll vomit later, but you have to show.

• 6:08Andrew Santino?

  You have to show your commitment.

• 6:09Speaker 07

  Because if, after he leave you, one day he break up, he's gonna think about you all the time.

• 6:13Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 6:14Speaker 07

  When the other woman don't give the good BJ, you know, he's like.

• 6:17Andrew Santino?

  I miss her.

• 6:18Speaker 07

  I miss her.

• 6:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I miss, I miss her. I miss those summers.

• 6:20Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 6:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's what you should get on there. Give good, give good head. Give good head. Gives good head. How do you say give good head in Chinese?

• 6:29Speaker 07

  Hui chui xiao.

• 6:30Andrew Santino?

  Hui chui xiao?

• 6:31Speaker 07

  Hui is skillful. Chui xiao means, basically is like playing the flute, but that's the code word for BJ. So that's why I was like, I, when I told Andrei Chui Xiao, I'm like, you, you, you know, your whole thing is about giving BJ. Because like the whole flute thing is, in Chinese culture, BJ just.

• 6:46Andrew Santino?

  Playing the flute means giving head.

• 6:48Speaker 07

  Yeah, playing the flute.

• 6:49Andrew Santino?

  And say that again, say the phrase.

• 6:51Speaker 07

  Uh, chui xiao.

• 6:52Andrew Santino?

  Chui xiao.

• 6:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, blowing the flute, like playing the flute.

• 6:54Andrew Santino?

  Chui xiao.

• 6:55Speaker 07

  Chui xiao is, means blowjob.

• 6:56Andrew Santino?

  So I can do that, I can go chui xiao to, if I go to China.

• 6:58Speaker 07

  For Chinese girl. Yeah, they'll be like, just give it to you because you speak that Chinese. She'd be like, I respect you.

• 7:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 7:04Speaker 07

  And I'm gonna suck your cock because you speak good Chinese.

• 7:06Andrew Santino?

  I gotta go to China, I gotta book that trip.

• 7:07Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 7:08Andrew Santino?

  Like now.

• 7:08Speaker 07

  You'll be very popular. They like a wider, like a.

• 7:10Andrew Santino?

  I'm the whitest they get. I mean, this is like see-through at some point.

• 7:13Speaker 07

  See-through is what they need. They want as white as you. China want white. You know, we like people who's white. My mom likes him more than she likes me because he's white.

• 7:20Andrew Santino?

  You think his parents are gonna like you?

• 7:22Speaker 07

  They would think I'm gonna be, um, like serving him, but that won't be the case. I think they'll like me. I don't know. I'm not sure.

• 7:28Andrew Santino?

  I think they're gonna like you. You're very lovable.

• 7:30Speaker 07

  I think she, his mom will like me.

• 7:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, you're successful and lovable. And people that don't know, uh, you have, uh, skyrocketed through the comedy scene because you're funny and affable and quick and sweet and unique. And his, his parents should see that. Your success is, is there.

• 7:48Speaker 07

  Yeah, I think.

• 7:48Andrew Santino?

  You proved yourself.

• 7:49Speaker 07

  I think I did. I also bought my club to do comedy. You know that, right?

• 7:52Andrew Santino?

  You did what? You bought your own club?

• 7:53Speaker 07

  The first week I started open miking, I'm like, I need ten thousand hours. This is not gonna cut it because I'll suck forever. So I said, let, let me buy a place. I drove on Melrose. It's still open. It's, it's been four years, five years.

• 8:03Andrew Santino?

  What's it called?

• 8:04Speaker 07

  The Hollywood Comedy is on Melrose.

• 8:05Andrew Santino?

  On Melrose. So you own that place?

• 8:07Speaker 07

  I own that place. It still goes every hour. I mean, seven days a week it's open.

• 8:11Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 8:11Speaker 07

  I bought it, so I, I, I started to host open mic. I do ten hours a day. Very communist, very Chinese, very hardworking.

• 8:17Andrew Santino?

  Extremely Chinese.

• 8:18Speaker 07

  So I start hosting ten hours a day, open mic, so I can be on stage every hour. So I just, uh, got my stage time.

• 8:24Andrew Santino?

  You still own the place?

• 8:25Speaker 07

  I still own the place.

• 8:26Andrew Santino?

  Do you have a partner or just you?

• 8:27Speaker 07

  No, just me. I own it, but I have a, a manager runs it full-time. I have a twenty comedian hosts who host, who take shifts. We have three, four shifts per day. We open from ten AM, close at eleven PM. So every day, every hour, there's an open mic and it's always full. It's. I think it's the most popular open mic place.

• 8:45Andrew Santino?

  You are remarkably Chinese.

• 8:47Speaker 07

  Very Chinese, because I know I suck, like I'm not delusional.

• 8:49Andrew Santino?

  You don't suck, what are you talking about?

• 8:50Speaker 07

  Well, I started, you know, I know I suck.

• 8:52Andrew Santino?

  Oh, when you start, yeah, everybody sucks. Nobody's good when they start. Chappelle might be the only one who was good when he was that young, you know, and outside of him, we're all just figuring it out.

• 9:01Speaker 07

  So I knew I need to be on stage and nobody's gonna put me on stage, so I'm like, let me buy my own place.

• 9:06Andrew Santino?

  You're right. That's a very smart thing. Look, I'm gonna say this, his parents, they're gonna like you because Midwest people, uh, they're very sweet. Uh, I would do this, I would bring them something like this. This is smart. This really gets to the heart of a Midwest person. Bring them chocolate. So we're usually like, we're fat gluttonous kind of people. I know he's in phenomenal shape. He's in, no, don't do that, don't do that, don't do that. He's in great shape, this guy. And his parents are Midwest people, so they're probably hearty eaters. I'd bring them like a beef stew. You'd make a beef stew.

• 9:35Speaker 07

  I can make a beef stew.

• 9:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I would make a beef stew or, uh, you know, Cleveland, so he's got, he probably, yeah, they like fatty foods, anything fried, we're big into that kind of stuff. Have you been to Cleveland before?

• 9:44Speaker 07

  No, it's my first time. I'm not.

• 9:46Andrew Santino?

  And you're playing hilarities too?

• 9:47Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 9:48Andrew Santino?

  Wow. Look at this, you're gonna play and they're gonna come watch you?

• 9:51Speaker 07

  Yeah, his mom is gonna be in the front row with his brother. He has two sets of twins. His mom has two twin boy, a twin boy and twin daughter and another son. She has five kids.

• 10:01Andrew Santino?

  And you have two kids?

• 10:02Speaker 07

  I have two, I can't believe it. They are in the car right now.

• 10:05Andrew Santino?

  You left them out there? Did you crack the, yeah, you did?

• 10:07Speaker 07

  Windows open.

• 10:07Andrew Santino?

  Well, the Teslas have those things now that say like, like the dog thing, it goes, I don't worry, my owner's coming back and the air is on.

• 10:13Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 10:14Andrew Santino?

  You could do that for kids now too.

• 10:15Speaker 07

  Yeah, I think so. It's safer in the car.

• 10:17Andrew Santino?

  It's much safer than in the streets?

• 10:18Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 10:19Andrew Santino?

  Much, well, than being with you, yeah.

• 10:20Speaker 07

  Yeah, I have two kids. I don't, I can't believe I have two kids. They are getting older, make me feel like I'm older now. My daughter is, it's her birthday today. She's turning four today.

• 10:28Andrew Santino?

  What are you doing? It's your daughter's birthday today? We could have rescheduled, oh yeah, who cares?

• 10:30Speaker 07

  She's in school and I, I gotta, I'm gonna go take care of her. We're gonna hang out at five.

• 10:35Andrew Santino?

  How old is she?

• 10:36Speaker 07

  I don't remember. Yeah, four.

• 10:37Andrew Santino?

  Four, yeah, yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 07

  It's fast.

• 10:39Andrew Santino?

  That is.

• 10:40Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 10:40Andrew Santino?

  You got a divorce four years ago, you decided not to date, and then, did you find him on an app?

• 10:44Speaker 07

  Uh, no, I never, I, actually, we, we met through, uh, I, I was in Austin, I was, um, doing a show at, uh, Cap City, and then, I hired, uh, people filming a show, and his friend and him was filming my show.

• 10:57Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 10:57Speaker 07

  He just left Tesla after six years, um, he did well there, he wanted to become a storyteller filmmaker.

• 11:03Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 11:04Speaker 07

  So he learned, how, learned how to film, so.

• 11:06Andrew Santino?

  Are you guys making home films right now?

• 11:07Speaker 07

  Um, no, I don't believe in porn, uh.

• 11:10Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, I'm saying home films, you took that the wrong way, I just mean making movies together.

• 11:14Speaker 07

  I, I like to, um, no, I don't think, he's, he's, um, it was just like, I met him there, and it was funny.

• 11:21Andrew Santino?

  And you fell in love?

• 11:22Speaker 07

  I saw him, I thought he was cute, but he think I wasn't, uh, he said hi to me, I was just like, short with him. As, when I see a guy, I think attractive, I'm like, oh, hi, I don't want to look at him. I go, yes, my pussy was wet, but like, I don't trust my pussy, last time I, I, I trust my pussy, I got married to a Chinese man.

• 11:37Andrew Santino?

  Right, oh, and that's bad.

• 11:38Speaker 07

  They are bad, like, the Shanghai nes are the worst one, the Shanghai nes one.

• 11:41Andrew Santino?

  Shanghai people are the worst.

• 11:42Speaker 07

  Shanghai people are bad, because, you know, that's a pearl of the east, right, they are very connected to internationally, so the Shanghai nes men, they learn the bad thing from Americans, and they have the bad quality of Chinese men, also bad quality of American men, like, they share bills, but they don't eat pussy.

• 11:56Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god. Split the bills and don't go down, that's, that's not good.

• 12:00Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's bad, like, if I, I'm paying half the bill, you know, you, you know, American guys eat pussy, Chinese men don't eat pussy, Chinese men from China, don't eat pussy.

• 12:07Andrew Santino?

  Is that cultural thing?

• 12:08Speaker 07

  Yeah, culture, they think it's gay.

• 12:09Andrew Santino?

  It, that's gay?

• 12:10Speaker 07

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:11Andrew Santino?

  What do they think about a dick in their butt, that's probably...

• 12:13Speaker 07

  I don't know about that, but they really...

• 12:15Andrew Santino?

  That's the most gay.

• 12:15Speaker 07

  I see also that, thinking eating pussy is gay, is gay.

• 12:18Andrew Santino?

  Right, thinking, right, well, a lot of things that are straight ironically are gay, right, like, I'm married, pretty gay. It's pretty gay to like...

• 12:25Speaker 07

  That's very, um...

• 12:26Andrew Santino?

  It's pretty gay.

• 12:26Speaker 07

  That's very cute.

• 12:27Andrew Santino?

  It's cute and gay, that's what I mean, it's cute, that's why it's gay, like, we watch TV together, gay.

• 12:31Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 12:31Andrew Santino?

  You know what I mean?

• 12:32Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 12:32Andrew Santino?

  We get, we go out to dinner together, gay, we go to events together, gay, you know what I mean, all this stuff's gay, we gather with other, you know, couples.

• 12:39Speaker 07

  Married people, yeah.

• 12:40Andrew Santino?

  Gay.

• 12:40Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 12:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm gay.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Hosts Thanksgiving with industry-leading quality standards from Whole Foods Market. There are no antibiotics in their meat department, ever. So carve up turkey and spiral cut ham with peace of mind. Shop organic sides like stuffing mix and cranberry sauce from 365 brand. And guess what? All their delectable pies are made with no high fructose corn syrup. Gourmet Thanksgiving flavors with the quality you want, only at Whole Foods Market.

• 13:11Speaker 07

  That's good.

• 13:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's fine. Who cares? It is, it's in. And I'm hoping it gets me some roles in Hollywood because I'm struggling a little bit.

• 13:17Speaker 07

  Yeah, because you are so white.

• 13:19Andrew Santino?

  I am. Well, you know, honestly, I'm a different white, though. I mean, even Asians agree. That's why Bobby's my best friend. I'm an off-white because I'm, the redhead makes me, they differentiate. I'm not like the, I'm not, like, he's the original white.

• 13:30Speaker 07

  Uh huh.

• 13:31Andrew Santino?

  That's like Mayflower, Mayflower material. I sound like you. Mayflower material.

• 13:35Speaker 07

  Mayflower, yeah.

• 13:35Andrew Santino?

  Mayflower material. Mayflower material. He came over on a boat.

• 13:38Speaker 07

  I feel like a Pocahontas. I feel like he's John Smith.

• 13:41Andrew Santino?

  He is, he is John Smith.

• 13:42Speaker 07

  Yeah, he's John Smith. He's still, I, I mean, he's still around, but we're just gonna wait and see.

• 13:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he'll give you smallpox for sure. You know, he's gonna infect you in some way and then leave you.

• 13:51Speaker 07

  I think so.

• 13:52Andrew Santino?

  That's what the whites do. We're the best at that.

• 13:54Speaker 07

  I think, I think so. I'll be okay with that, you know, I'll, I'll have some good material. I see him as my future materials.

• 13:59Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 13:59Speaker 07

  I really see it. I know he's gonna give me a lot of.

• 14:02Andrew Santino?

  Now, would you get married again or no?

• 14:03Speaker 07

  It depends on the dick, you know? If the dick is there to stay and is a good dick and is the man. I need a, of somebody who is, I'm like this, I'm crazy. I need somebody who's like this.

• 14:14Andrew Santino?

  He seems pretty level.

• 14:15Speaker 07

  He's very, yeah, he's very calm. He's very stoic.

• 14:18Andrew Santino?

  He's stoic. Stoic's a great, yeah, that's right.

• 14:19Speaker 07

  He can't say anything romantic. He, he's not capable of saying it.

• 14:22Andrew Santino?

  So he, no I love you stuff?

• 14:24Speaker 07

  No. We, we, yeah, he, for him to say I love you would probably take two more years.

• 14:28Andrew Santino?

  What about you, though? Are you quick to say I love you? You quick to fall in love?

• 14:31Speaker 07

  I, I'm like, I. You know, I can't say it.

• 14:35Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 14:36Speaker 07

  I wouldn't say it before he say it.

• 14:37Andrew Santino?

  How do you say I love you in Chinese?

• 14:38Speaker 07

  我爱你.

• 14:39Andrew Santino?

  我爱你.

• 14:40Speaker 07

  You you should go to China.

• 14:41Andrew Santino?

  我爱你, but it doesn't, honestly, it's not a, it's not a beautiful I love you, 我爱你.

• 14:45Speaker 07

  我爱你, yeah.

• 14:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I don't, it sounds a little too harsh.

• 14:48Speaker 07

  It's harsh, Chinese is very harsh, it's like, it sounds like everybody is like selling fish in the wet market. You know, like, that's what it is. My daughter, she just like, mommy, I love my pink dress, so cute. 妈你干嘛? You know, next thing you know, she become like this fish wife in the market. She's like rotating from two, like a bipolar to like two characters. I'm just like, what is going on?

• 15:08Andrew Santino?

  Did they, are they fluent in Chinese?

• 15:10Speaker 07

  Yes, I made sure they do that. I'm like, your father is gone, so you are, you are already two and a half. You know, you are gonna go to China and learn Chinese because we, we need to be competitive.

• 15:18Andrew Santino?

  We do.

• 15:19Speaker 07

  We don't, you don't have a dad, you know, I'm the only thing you got. So I shipped them there and they didn't have any friends. I'm like, make friends, you know, you don't deserve to have friends. You don't speak Chinese, you don't deserve friends.

• 15:28Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 15:29Speaker 07

  So they cried for a month and a half and, uh, I'm like two months later, they can speak Chinese. And now they were, they will speak Chinese and they want to go back to China every year for three months. So they can go to Chinese school. I think it's important.

• 15:41Andrew Santino?

  That's great.

• 15:42Speaker 07

  I forced them to do it because they need it.

• 15:44Andrew Santino?

  You know, you don't ever want to go back.

• 15:46Speaker 07

  I mean, I just, I can't do stand up in China because I tried, I was doing this video thing with, um, I think Cosmopolitan, they asked me to do a thirty minutes Chinese stand up. And after I did it, they were, they were just like, oh, we're only gonna keep forty seconds of it.

• 16:00Andrew Santino?

  Wow, forty seconds?

• 16:02Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 16:02Andrew Santino?

  That's nothing.

• 16:03Speaker 07

  They cut everything out. I was, I wasn't talking about politics, I was just making fun of my mom and my sister. They were like, it's too mean. So, um, also like if you do stand up in China, you have to send your script.

• 16:15Andrew Santino?

  Write your set, I know this, right?

• 16:16Speaker 07

  To them, then they will, they will correct it for you, they will change it for you.

• 16:20Andrew Santino?

  To tell you what you're supposed to say.

• 16:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, and if you don't say what you're supposed to say, you are gonna be in trouble be, um, because you are trying to do something.

• 16:28Andrew Santino?

  Communism dog.

• 16:29Speaker 07

  I know, so you can't really say anything, so I I I I think I'm fine, I I like the Chinese money.

• 16:33Andrew Santino?

  This is better, you're more free here.

• 16:35Speaker 07

  Yeah, I like the money, but the things like, people are gonna remember I'm not funny, because I'm just gonna go on TV. I have some TV offer just to sit there and to interview people, talking to people, I can't say anything that's funny. Because I have to be polite and nice to everyone.

• 16:48Andrew Santino?

  On Chinese TV.

• 16:49Speaker 07

  Especially the rich ones, they want to be nice to the rich powerful people, which is worse. Because in America, we make fun of the rich and powerful.

• 16:54Andrew Santino?

  It's the best part about it.

• 16:55Speaker 07

  Yeah, but in in China, you can't, you have to like say how much you like them, like that's disgusting.

• 17:00Andrew Santino?

  It is gross, no, we should be able to mock them. You mock the rich, we always punch up.

• 17:04Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 17:04Andrew Santino?

  That's the whole thing, punch up.

• 17:05Speaker 07

  I I can't say like how much I like, they won't give me their house, like, oh, it's a beautiful house. Are you gonna give it to me?

• 17:11Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 17:11Speaker 07

  No, I won't, I don't want to say it's beautiful, I'm like, oh, how much people did you fuck? How many people jumped over the roof because you fucked them, you know, to get this house.

• 17:17Andrew Santino?

  How many Jordans did everybody make?

• 17:19Speaker 07

  Exactly, I won't say that, I'm like, oh my god, that's a beautiful house, can, I'm like, give it to me.

• 17:24Andrew Santino?

  No, we get to make fun of everybody here, that's the best part about it, right?

• 17:26Speaker 07

  That's why, you can hate people equally.

• 17:28Andrew Santino?

  We should do it a little bit more, like I read this article yesterday that Zuckerberg had two hundred and fourteen billion dollars. Billion dollars.

• 17:36Speaker 07

  And he have a Chinese wife to count all the money.

• 17:37Andrew Santino?

  He does, doesn't he?

• 17:39Speaker 07

  She can count the money.

• 17:39Andrew Santino?

  Is he married or are they dating?

• 17:41Speaker 07

  They are married.

• 17:41Andrew Santino?

  They're married, yeah.

• 17:42Speaker 07

  I mean, she closed the deal on him when they were in high university, in Harvard or whatever.

• 17:46Andrew Santino?

  Harvard, yeah.

• 17:47Speaker 07

  They start dating, she's a doctor.

• 17:48Andrew Santino?

  Two hundred and fourteen billion dollars, is that enough, you think?

• 17:51Speaker 07

  I I I want some of it.

• 17:53Andrew Santino?

  You do?

• 17:53Speaker 07

  Yeah, what should we do to get some?

• 17:55Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, he's probably hard to get to, I just saw he bought a new yacht, I mean, that's hard to track those things, I've thought about it.

• 18:00Speaker 07

  His wife is Chinese, though, I can probably.

• 18:02Andrew Santino?

  You have infiltrate, yeah, you can infiltrate the Chinese side.

• 18:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, I can probably do something, I can just dress up like her one time and just.

• 18:08Andrew Santino?

  It's unbelievable how much, how wealthy and separate of these people are, like, they're not even a part of our culture anymore, you get so rich. Think about it like this, I did this the other night, um um, this has been done before on this show, too, I think I've talked about it, but it just stuns me every time. A million versus a billion, like, people talk about millionaires, right? But billionaire is different, a million seconds is how many days, how many days do you think a million seconds is?

• 18:32Speaker 07

  I I can't, I think about it.

• 18:33Andrew Santino?

  I'll give you a hint, it's less than two weeks, so how many days do you think it is?

• 18:36Speaker 07

  Ten days?

• 18:37Andrew Santino?

  It's eleven days, eleven and a half days is a million seconds. Uh, a billion seconds, how many days is that, do you think? You're not gonna get it.

• 18:45Speaker 07

  Thousand?

• 18:46Andrew Santino?

  It's crazy, it's, well, the thirty-one years.

• 18:51Andrew Santino?

  Thirty one years.

• 18:52Speaker 07

  Thirty one years.

• 18:53Andrew Santino?

  I think it's eleven thousand days.

• 18:54Speaker 07

  Eleven.

• 18:54Andrew Santino?

  Thirty one years. So the difference is, a millionaire is eleven seconds worth. A billionaire is thirty one days worth. And that guy's got two hundred and fourteen of those.

• 19:05Speaker 07

  Oh my god. Thank god, you know, he look like that, because he can't have everything. You know, I'm happy. If he look also hot, I think god is gonna strike on him.

• 19:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you'd have to, you'd have to get cancer if you're that hot and that rich.

• 19:15Speaker 07

  Yeah, so I'm happy for him.

• 19:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, good for him, I guess. Okay, yeah, right. But I want it. Let's get him.

• 19:19Speaker 07

  Yeah, I, I, I, yeah, we should do something.

• 19:21Andrew Santino?

  Let's redistribute the wealth.

• 19:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm gonna go to his house and become friends with his wife.

• 19:25Andrew Santino?

  Well, you could, you could, you could, that is what you could do. You could do a little, uh, interior China, uh.

• 19:31Speaker 07

  I can go to his house to do his Feng Shui.

• 19:34Andrew Santino?

  Oh, sorry.

• 19:34Speaker 07

  I know Feng Shui. I'll be like, we need a fish pond here, we need a fountain here, we need to dig a hole in the back. So make sure we maintain your wealth. We should build a mountain.

• 19:43Andrew Santino?

  Is that where women go to the bathroom outside? Is that, that, women don't go to the bathroom inside, right?

• 19:46Speaker 07

  In the rural area, they still have the toilet in the outside.

• 19:48Andrew Santino?

  That's great.

• 19:49Speaker 07

  They squat down. That's why all the Asian women have tight pussy. You know, you have to squat down.

• 19:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's why they have strong backs, too.

• 19:54Speaker 07

  Yeah, if you, you squat too low, you know, you, you fall inside. You fall down. There's a big hole there. It's not like a tight, it's like big. You have to squat like this.

• 20:02Andrew Santino?

  Wide legged.

• 20:03Speaker 07

  Wide, yeah, yeah. And you have to maintain your balance. There's nothing holding. It's not Japan. There's no, no total toilet you can hold.

• 20:09Andrew Santino?

  Right, cuz.

• 20:10Speaker 07

  No, you have to, like, that's why the core is strong. The pussies are tight. It's all from squatting. If you squat too low, the, the snake bite your ass.

• 20:18Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 20:18Speaker 07

  There's a rice field, you know?

• 20:19Andrew Santino?

  How was growing up in China? Did you love it or hate it?

• 20:21Speaker 07

  I, I think it made me who I am. I was born in the nineties. We had a one child policy. It's been.

• 20:27Andrew Santino?

  And you got through.

• 20:28Speaker 07

  I got through, but I, every day, I don't get an A plus. My mom's like, you know, I took you out from the dumpster, you know?

• 20:34Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 20:34Speaker 07

  For A plus.

• 20:35Andrew Santino?

  Are your parents still alive? Are they around?

• 20:37Speaker 07

  My mom actually moved to America to help me with my kid when I got, become a single mother.

• 20:41Andrew Santino?

  So she lives with you?

• 20:42Speaker 07

  She lives with me, which is awful.

• 20:44Andrew Santino?

  That's bad. Well, the deceased, so he's met your mom a bunch.

• 20:46Speaker 07

  He met her and she likes him because he's white.

• 20:48Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 20:48Speaker 07

  And a man.

• 20:49Andrew Santino?

  He's white. Well, why? Was she worried that you, you liked women?

• 20:52Speaker 07

  No, she will kill me before I say that to her.

• 20:54Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 20:55Speaker 07

  She think. I think she thinks that's me liking women is as bad as me marrying a Japanese. That'll be equally bad.

• 21:02Andrew Santino?

  That's the same. So you being gay is the same as you marrying a Japanese guy?

• 21:05Speaker 07

  Being a traitor and a gay is the same kind of, yeah, thing.

• 21:08Andrew Santino?

  And we agree here in America, dude.

• 21:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, right? Don't be a traitor. Traitors are disgusting.

• 21:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, don't. Stick to, stick to the one you know. What about a Korean? Could you date a Korean?

• 21:17Speaker 07

  I don't know. They, they think a Korean is like a...

• 21:19Andrew Santino?

  Like Bobby's single, you know what I mean?

• 21:21Speaker 07

  They think a Korean is like being bisexual, you know? If I'm gonna be known as a bisexual, I'll just be gay. I think being a lesbian is hotter.

• 21:28Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it's hotter?

• 21:29Speaker 07

  If I'm a lesbian, like, it's hot. Like, I'll be like this power lesbian. But bi is like attention-seeking, you know? I feel that they, they think a Korean is like, like, I, I want to be bad, but I'm not that bad, you know? I want to go all the way. I'm like, I'm marrying Japanese. I'm marrying the guy who ripped, whose grandpa ripped my grandma. You know, I'm gonna go there for love. It's love. But a Korean is like, eh, you know, I, I don't, I don't think so. If I, I go, I'm bad, I'm, I'm gonna be all the way bad.

• 21:54Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 21:54Speaker 07

  Can I tell you, can I tell you how, how can you tell the Koreans and Japanese and Chinese without even listening to them talking?

• 22:00Andrew Santino?

  Tell the difference?

• 22:01Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 22:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 22:01Speaker 07

  So the Japanese girls, they have the crazy eye. They're like this.

• 22:05Andrew Santino?

  Crazy eyes?

• 22:06Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 22:06Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 22:06Speaker 07

  Smi ma sen, yamate, you know, they're like this.

• 22:11Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 22:11Speaker 07

  Korean girls are, they're, they're always smiling, like, they're smiling, but they will, they will either like, they will give you a blowjob or either dick out. Like, they will do something crazy. Koreans, Korean women are just like, they are trained like guard dogs. They look like very soft and pretty, but they will strike. They will do whatever for their husband and their son. They will kill someone for you.

• 22:32Andrew Santino?

  What about Chinese women?

• 22:33Speaker 07

  Just like, what car do you drive? What money you have? And then, you know, when we look at you, we actually look away, be like, does Bobby have more money than you?

• 22:40Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 22:40Speaker 07

  Like, it's like, always like the next thing, like...

• 22:42Andrew Santino?

  Looking for the next best thing.

• 22:43Speaker 07

  Like, x through your wallet. Like, I can x through your wallet, like, x through...

• 22:46Andrew Santino?

  You know how much money is in my pocket right now?

• 22:47Speaker 07

  Yeah, like, I just, like, we just think about, because we have to make sure, we have to pay for our brother's school, sister's school. We have to pay for grandparents. It's not about me. It's like, I have to pay for everything. So I have to make sure, like, if I'm gonna put a dick in my hole, I want it to be fulfillment, you know, for the whole family.

• 23:03Andrew Santino?

  It's gotta be a rich dick.

• 23:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, I just, you have to, because you're... They're always cheating, you know, the rich one cheats, the ugly one cheats, the hot one cheats.

• 23:09Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 23:10Speaker 07

  They always do.

• 23:10Andrew Santino?

  So what about this guy? Did you check his bank account before you started dating him?

• 23:13Speaker 07

  He's, he's pretty good. He's, he has a few million dollars saved up from his Tesla money. I don't know. I don't know.

• 23:18Andrew Santino?

  You don't know.

• 23:19Speaker 07

  He's, he's well off enough. I don't have to worry about paying things for him. He's well off. He's good.

• 23:26Andrew Santino?

  That's good.

• 23:26Speaker 07

  He's, he's a corporate guy.

• 23:28Andrew Santino?

  You don't want to be a sugar mama.

• 23:29Speaker 07

  No, he's a corporate guy. He worked his whole life and he's smart with his money. He's gonna help me with saving my money too. So I'm happy that he's not like an actor wannabe, a comedian wannabe, who's just like, oh, so he's just different.

• 23:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's better.

• 23:42Speaker 07

  Yeah, I don't know if he's better than us. We are funnier though.

• 23:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but he's better. He's got a better future.

• 23:48Speaker 07

  I think so.

• 23:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he probably won't end up killing himself.

• 23:50Speaker 07

  He will leave me when, when he realizes that his future is better.

• 23:53Andrew Santino?

  He's never gonna leave you. You'll leave him before he'll leave you. I'll put my money on it right now.

• 23:57Speaker 07

  I hope so.

• 23:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I think so.

• 23:58Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 23:59Andrew Santino?

  You have opportunity and you're getting famous and, you know, who knows? What if his career goes down the drain? What if he starts drinking and using drugs heavily?

• 24:06Speaker 07

  Oh, I can.

• 24:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, this is what the whites do. When we get depressed, we drink and use drugs.

• 24:10Speaker 07

  I, I like, I, the only drug I did is weed.

• 24:13Andrew Santino?

  That's the only one you've ever tried?

• 24:14Speaker 07

  I never tried anything. I mean, I'm not proud of it. I'm not, I think a microdosing mushroom is something I can start with.

• 24:20Andrew Santino?

  That's really fun. I have some. We can give you some if you want some.

• 24:23Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 24:23Andrew Santino?

  We have that. I'm, I'm big into that. But I tried a lot of stuff when I was young.

• 24:26Speaker 07

  Weed is good.

• 24:27Andrew Santino?

  Weed you do like?

• 24:28Speaker 07

  I don't know. I, I, I only smoke before I go to sleep. I, I only smoke with my friends. One of my friends smoked. I never let a joint. But if someone let one, I'll be like, I'll have some.

• 24:39Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 24:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, give it to me.

• 24:40Andrew Santino?

  Puff puff pass, baby.

• 24:41Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 24:41Andrew Santino?

  He doesn't, he doesn't, he's sober. He's clean.

• 24:43Speaker 07

  He's sober. He drinks a little bit, like a normal person. He's just stoic. He's like, he's no fun. He's just like, I don't, I, he's.

• 24:51Andrew Santino?

  But he's no fun, but you still like him.

• 24:54Speaker 07

  I, I like him, but I also hate him. But I like him more than I hate him. But it's like he threatened me.

• 24:59Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's love. You know that, right? That's love.

• 25:00Speaker 07

  I wouldn't say that on the podcast before he say it to me.

• 25:03Andrew Santino?

  I know, but that's, that is the definition of love, is liking someone and hating them, but liking them more than you hate them. You have to have both.

• 25:08Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 25:08Andrew Santino?

  You can't just like someone. That's not love.

• 25:11Speaker 07

  It's a dog.

• 25:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's a dog. It's an animal. That's something in your home.

• 25:13Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 25:13Andrew Santino?

  Like, I don't hate my dog at all.

• 25:15Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 25:15Andrew Santino?

  But you have to love and hate your partner.

• 25:16Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 25:17Andrew Santino?

  That's the whole point. What does he do that annoys you?

• 25:20Speaker 07

  He just uh just he just want me to be places on time.

• 25:24Andrew Santino?

  Oh, time is hard.

• 25:25Speaker 07

  He just uh schedule everything just has to be a system. He want me. He just try to lecture me if I'm late is because I don't respect people and I got angry at him.

• 25:34Andrew Santino?

  Are you are you late all the time? You were so you were perfectly on time for this?

• 25:37Speaker 07

  Because he's just like a maneuver the whole thing to make sure everything we plan, make sure we're on time for this.

• 25:42Andrew Santino?

  Cause are you typically on CPT on Chinese people time?

• 25:44Speaker 07

  Yes, I am on on on my own time. I am I'm I have this uh it's okay, I'll tell you. I I'm bipolar, but I I'm not really on medication because I just know my crazy a long time ago.

• 25:55Andrew Santino?

  You can balance it on your own.

• 25:57Speaker 07

  I can balance on my own, just basically I don't drink alcohol uh more than two units. I don't drink more than two.

• 26:03Andrew Santino?

  Cause you get wild.

• 26:04Speaker 07

  I just uh wild is like a sad wild, wild, but like I'm sad.

• 26:08Andrew Santino?

  Depressed.

• 26:09Speaker 07

  Depressed.

• 26:09Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 26:10Speaker 07

  Like I got depressed.

• 26:11Andrew Santino?

  Did you get diagnosed with bipolar two?

• 26:13Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 26:13Andrew Santino?

  Wait, you one or two bipolar two?

• 26:14Speaker 07

  I think it's two, yes. After we uh we we had two doctors, it's two, it's bipolar two. We had two doctors try to figure out what what's wrong with me. But I I live with it. It's like I can like when I obsess with something, it's just going in a circle. I just got really excited. I don't I can't I can't function. I can't think about anything else.

• 26:30Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 26:30Speaker 07

  So like when I'm it's good for work, I have a lot of energy.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir, gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.

• 26:48Andrew Santino?

  You do have a lot of energy. You have more than anybody I know. It's wonderful. Yeah, but you radiate in a positive way.

• 26:53Speaker 07

  Yeah, I have a lot of energy and when I I I don't get sad often. I just uh.

• 26:57Andrew Santino?

  When you do get sad, do you get very, very sad?

• 27:00Speaker 07

  Uh, no, not to a point that is suicidal. I just uh I just uh get sad for probably like one hour, then I use my workaholic to balance it off. It's all.

• 27:10Andrew Santino?

  You bury sadness with work.

• 27:12Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 27:12Andrew Santino?

  You're like, that's what Irish people do. That's what we do.

• 27:14Speaker 07

  Yeah, so I work more.

• 27:15Andrew Santino?

  Bury ourselves, yeah.

• 27:16Speaker 07

  Then I work more, I feel I have I worth I I I'm more, I'm not worthless anymore.

• 27:20Andrew Santino?

  And we just push down all the negative feelings, way, way, way down.

• 27:24Speaker 07

  Yeah, I just work more, then I got happy again. I go back to my um my high. My high is easy. I'm almost. Like I think eighty percent eighty five percent I'm high. My bipolar high. And sadness comes, I'll be like, let's go to work.

• 27:35Andrew Santino?

  You gotta get out of here sadness.

• 27:36Speaker 07

  Yeah, let's go to the gym, let's go to work, let's just go to get some high yoga, let's look hotter, let's uh.

• 27:41Andrew Santino?

  Look hotter, be better, work harder.

• 27:43Speaker 07

  Be nice, give some gift to friends, so I I don't know, somebody hate me, like they they they are angry at me maybe, I I don't know.

• 27:48Andrew Santino?

  No one's angry at you.

• 27:49Speaker 07

  I become delusional when I'm sad, I'll just like check on people like, uh, do you hate me, like, did I do something wrong, did I say something stupid? I I I just wanna make sure everything's okay.

• 27:57Andrew Santino?

  But no one hates you.

• 27:58Speaker 07

  I I.

• 27:59Andrew Santino?

  Everybody likes you.

• 28:00Speaker 07

  That's nice.

• 28:00Andrew Santino?

  You're very loved. Do you have any enemies? Do you hate somebody?

• 28:03Speaker 07

  I don't hate people, but the people hate me. There's a few person who hate me.

• 28:07Andrew Santino?

  Your ex-husband probably.

• 28:08Speaker 07

  Um, I don't think he love enough to actually hate me.

• 28:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh, see, there we go again, right? Yeah, you gotta have both, so he probably didn't love you enough to really hate you.

• 28:15Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's just he's angry because I left him. He want me, him to leaving me, that what is really piss me off.

• 28:20Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you got out early.

• 28:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, he couldn't believe I would leave him.

• 28:23Andrew Santino?

  Wow, but you're.

• 28:24Speaker 07

  He's a very rich guy. I did not get his money, which is very sad.

• 28:27Andrew Santino?

  You didn't get anything.

• 28:28Speaker 07

  I I was gonna, but uh, he's in China, he's Chinese, and he's very connected in China. I had to go back to China to sue him for money. And that means I have to leave everything here, go to China, leave the children here, cuz I want to keep the kids.

• 28:39Andrew Santino?

  Did they have child support in China though, or no?

• 28:40Speaker 07

  Uh, I I should get it, but I should go back to China, and he knows the mayor, he knows everyone, he knows the.

• 28:46Andrew Santino?

  Well, so he's plugged in.

• 28:47Speaker 07

  He's plugged in and is, it's kind of me wasting my time going there.

• 28:50Andrew Santino?

  So who cares? Live your own free life.

• 28:52Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 28:52Andrew Santino?

  You have your kids, you have your career, you're killing it.

• 28:54Speaker 07

  I want them, like they they are actually pretty cute. I mean, they they their eyes are very small, like Bobby's. They didn't get my eyes, which is very sad.

• 29:00Andrew Santino?

  No, you have great eyes.

• 29:01Speaker 07

  Mine is a little bit bigger, but my my son's eyes are like Bobby.

• 29:04Andrew Santino?

  Bobby taught me about this, that they have uh, their surgery.

• 29:07Speaker 07

  Eye surgery, yeah, double eye surgery.

• 29:08Andrew Santino?

  That that's a thing that happens a lot?

• 29:09Speaker 07

  Uh, yeah, that's why.

• 29:10Andrew Santino?

  They call them white eyes. They say go get white eyes.

• 29:12Speaker 07

  Yeah, and then in America, they want fox eyes, like this.

• 29:15Andrew Santino?

  We want them up in a way, yeah.

• 29:16Speaker 07

  Jijie had it, Kendo Jenner, Jijie had it, Kendo Jenner, like they just want fox eyes. I think they should just also say, if you have the fox eyes, you know, if you go to the subway in New York, they kicking the track, that's the fatal side effects you're gonna get. Cuz you look chinky now, they're like, you're bad eater whore, you know, bad eating whore, they kick you. I think they should just tell the people, you know.

• 29:39Andrew Santino?

  Time you needed a doctor, but you pushed it off, huh? You shoved it away. I'm too busy. It's gonna heal on its own. It's not that big of a deal. It doesn't look that red. Take a look at this. Is it that red? It's not that red. We all do this all the time. Uh, but thanks to Zocdoc, there's no reason to delay. You gotta get in with Zocdoc. They make it so easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. Okay, genuinely, honestly, it's a joke. I moved to my new neighborhood. I didn't want to come all the way across town again to my old doctor. So I was like, how do I find a new one? How do I get this back thing checked out, lined up? Uh, jumped on Zocdoc and boy, oh boy, was it easy. Zocdoc is a free app and a website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click instantly to book an appointment. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors

• 30:24Andrew Santino?

  across every specialty. From mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care and much, much more. You can filter doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, or a good fit for any medical need you may have and are highly rated by verified patients. That's huge. Real people. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings, choose a time slot that works for you, and click instantly to book a visit. Appointments made through Zocdoc also happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments if you're lucky. Uh, we love Zocdoc, man. It's been amazing. It was great to be able to find a new doctor on there. So stop putting off those doctor appointments and go to zocdoc.com/whiskey to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's zocdoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C, dot com slash whiskey. zocdoc.com/whiskey. Here to tell you about Rocket Money.

• 31:08Andrew Santino?

  Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps and find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Look, everyone knows we're all subscription-based. We're all subs now. Everyone is a sub. No more Dom days. We're all subs now, baby. And you got too many subs. Rocket Money helps you, uh, really whittle that down to finding out what you're spending money on and if you're wasting it. Uh, a million subscriptions and a million different apps. And Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across all your accounts. You can easily create a personalized budget with custom categories to help keep your spending on track. See your monthly spending trends in each category to know exactly where your money is going. The best part about Rocket Money, let me tell you something. We got a lot of subscriptions and you don't know where they are. Not only do they find them- For you, but Rocket Money will even try to negotiate to lower your bills for you.

• 31:52Andrew Santino?

  Hey, hey, huh? They're the muscle. They automatically scan your bills to find opportunities to save. Then you can ask them to negotiate for you. Please do it. We don't want to do that, huh? They deal with customer service, so you don't have to. Rocket Money has over 5 million users, has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Pretty good. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions to reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com/whiskey today. That's rocketmoney.com/whiskey. Rocketmoney.com/whiskey.

• 32:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, what does this mean? We all want to be what we're, we all want to be something that we're not. We're all, we all desire to be someone else or something else.

• 32:31Speaker 07

  That's just so silly.

• 32:33Andrew Santino?

  And the black people- We should just be happy then.

• 32:34Speaker 07

  Yeah, the black people are bleeding the skin and we are injecting our lips to look black. And all the girls are getting Brazilian butt lifts.

• 32:39Andrew Santino?

  We're all trying to be something else.

• 32:40Speaker 07

  We are.

• 32:41Andrew Santino?

  What do we, what should we really be?

• 32:42Speaker 07

  We should just be ourselves and know we are not enough. Just like, okay, I'm not enough, but I'm okay with this piece of shit I have.

• 32:48Andrew Santino?

  It's perfect.

• 32:49Speaker 07

  I think so. I just think it's delusional to be like, people be like, in America, I'm enough. I don't, I think it's a joke. It's so funny. The American parents tell their kid, "You are enough. You are great." Great is such a strong word. You are mediocre.

• 33:01Andrew Santino?

  You're okay.

• 33:01Speaker 07

  You are okay.

• 33:02Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 33:03Speaker 07

  You are okay. I just feel like-

• 33:04Andrew Santino?

  Do you say that to your children? Do you say you're okay? You call them great, because you're in America.

• 33:08Speaker 07

  I, I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't say it to Winston. I just, I wouldn't say it to him. He needs, he's a Chinese man. He, Chinese-American guy. He needs to be, he needs to go to like an Ivy League school.

• 33:19Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 33:19Speaker 07

  He needs you to do something in order to just be respected.

• 33:23Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 33:24Speaker 07

  My daughter is good.

• 33:25Andrew Santino?

  By you or by society?

• 33:26Speaker 07

  By me.

• 33:27Andrew Santino?

  Right. You don't respect him until he does something of substance.

• 33:30Speaker 07

  I don't respect him. He has to do something.

• 33:31Andrew Santino?

  How old is he?

• 33:32Speaker 07

  He's already like five. He opens for me, though.

• 33:37Andrew Santino?

  It's so funny, like, you gotta do something to have, earn my respect. He's five. He opens for how much time does he have?

• 33:42Speaker 07

  He can do three minutes.

• 33:44Andrew Santino?

  Did you write his stuff?

• 33:45Speaker 07

  I give him some tips and he will just try to rewrite it because he thinks he's better. But he's very good.

• 33:51Andrew Santino?

  The Chinese are good at putting their own to work. That's amazing.

• 33:53Speaker 07

  He's very good at it. He, he's actually funny.

• 33:55Andrew Santino?

  He is good?

• 33:56Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 33:57Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 33:57Speaker 07

  He's good. He's funny. He, he's like, he talked about one time, he goes, "My mom, I came home to my mom and she asked me about my dad's new girlfriend and she's a ballerina, so mom said she must be so beautiful." I said that the thing I love most about her is that she's so funny.

• 34:15Speaker 07

  Mom was so sad, I don't know why.

• 34:17Andrew Santino?

  That's good. Did now do your kids know him?

• 34:20Speaker 07

  Uh, they met him, they love him, they, he loves the kids. He's a very Midwest dad, he loves the kids, he take them to school and like my, my ex-husband never ever took the children to school.

• 34:30Andrew Santino?

  Well, he didn't have to, he didn't knew the ma- he knew the mayor.

• 34:32Speaker 07

  He lives, yeah, he lives in China and here back and forth, but he never take the kids from school. So this guy went, so my son always wanted to have a man pick him up from school.

• 34:42Andrew Santino?

  Sure, of course.

• 34:43Speaker 07

  So he, he went there and my son told the teacher that's his dad. He's like, Mrs. Khan, this is my dad.

• 34:51Andrew Santino?

  For now.

• 34:51Speaker 07

  The teacher like, are you, are you, are you sure? He, he goes, yes, that's my father. And they're like, are you, are you his father? He's like, I'm uncle Arthur, you know, like I, the teacher's like, we, we, you know, we, we don't, we, he said, okay. When it's like, he's my dad.

• 35:13Andrew Santino?

  That's cute.

• 35:13Speaker 07

  He gets, he's, he's keep saying that, I'm like, you know, he's not your dad.

• 35:16Andrew Santino?

  He, well, but he's helping out, he's filling in. Cause it's hard for kids, like I had, I had a stepdad, my dad wasn't around and then I had a stepdad.

• 35:23Speaker 07

  When did you have a stepdad?

• 35:25Andrew Santino?

  My parents got divorced when I was one, right before I was one, my dad went to, to, to prison. He got locked up.

• 35:32Speaker 07

  That's why you are a great comedian.

• 35:33Andrew Santino?

  That's probably part of it for sure, yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 07

  It really is, it's like, you know, Richard Pryor, like grabbing a brothel, my mother also owned a brothel.

• 35:40Andrew Santino?

  Your mom owned a brothel?

• 35:41Speaker 07

  We have to talk about that, yeah.

• 35:42Andrew Santino?

  We'll give it to me. No, no, no, no, who cares about me, I wanna hear about this.

• 35:45Speaker 07

  I had, I had no idea it was a brothel, but I did remember that we, my mom, her, her brother owned this hotel, like in the suburb on the highway. So my mom was like working at a restaurant as a dishwasher, she's so smart, she was able to work up to a management and then she was able to buy the restaurant from the owner, cause they got sick and old, she made a deal and then she opened two more restaurants and she was just trying to, my father's drunk the whole time, so he's drunk, he's never worked, my father is drunk. So my mom was able to basically buy this little hotel from my uncle, her brother. And it was just on the highway, you know, it's like.

• 36:25Speaker 07

  It's just really weird and we have a massage parlor section and a shower place for people to get shower. And the people wash your back in China, you know, in the shower.

• 36:34Andrew Santino?

  Wash my back, baby.

• 36:35Speaker 07

  They wash your back, they massage you. And then my mom would have like a group of girls. I wouldn't say they are, I wouldn't say they are seventeen, but they were under seventeen.

• 36:45Andrew Santino?

  It's terrible. That's terrible.

• 36:47Speaker 07

  So they are seventeen and they are from the villages. They are, they wanted to find a work that they know what they're doing.

• 36:54Andrew Santino?

  So these are all like pervy businessmen or these are gross?

• 36:57Speaker 07

  Yes, yeah. So the girls, their job is basically um like wash, wash the guy, wash them, shower them and is, and massage them. And then there's the hotel room, there's one floor that is suspicious. It's not a hotel room, but it's just after the massage, the businessmen go there to rest. And the girls will go in there with them and then the.

• 37:18Andrew Santino?

  To tuck them in.

• 37:19Speaker 07

  They'll use condom and they throw it through the window. So there's an alley full of used condoms. I didn't know there's condoms. I saw there are balloons. I blow them.

• 37:30Speaker 07

  And it's like, I blow them and it tastes funny.

• 37:36Andrew Santino?

  It's a weird birthday party.

• 37:37Speaker 07

  Yeah, I, I, I blow the balloons and I tie them up on the tree. So there's like a lot of balloons and then.

• 37:42Andrew Santino?

  Little jizz balloons floating around.

• 37:43Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 37:44Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid stand mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer this year and make more than meals.

• 38:12Andrew Santino?

  How old were you when you found, when you found out about the brothel your mother owned?

• 38:15Speaker 07

  Yeah, I, I was only like ten, eleven. I was there. I just was there to do my homework and the prostitutes would just be around me and try to like play with my hair and put bows in there.

• 38:24Andrew Santino?

  Were they nice? They were nice to you?

• 38:25Speaker 07

  They were nice, but the one was a hoe. She was dating my dad. And I found out they're fucking. I, I, I saw it. I didn't know what sex, but I opened the door. I'm pretty sure.

• 38:33Andrew Santino?

  You saw them?

• 38:34Speaker 07

  I just saw them, yeah, they, my dad is always drunk and he's very handsome, by the way.

• 38:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, you're good looking, so it must have come from something.

• 38:40Speaker 07

  I look just like him and my mom don't like me because she's white, she has white skin, small lips, she's pretty in China. And she hate that I didn't look like her. My sister look like her. So my sister think she's hot, her whole life.

• 38:51Andrew Santino?

  And she and your mother thinks you're ugly? Did she say mean things to you growing up?

• 38:54Speaker 07

  Yeah, I can't wear her dresses. I'm always like in little tracksuit, like Adidas, like a Russian drug lord. She's always wearing little dresses. Anyway, I was blowing the condom with coming there. So I had no idea.

• 39:07Andrew Santino?

  You caught your dad with one of the, one of the locals.

• 39:09Speaker 07

  I opened the door, they are naked in bed, I was eleven and I, I, I'm, I knew she was his friend, but I.

• 39:16Andrew Santino?

  What did they say? What's the excuse?

• 39:17Speaker 07

  They just got in the blanket, be like, get out.

• 39:20Andrew Santino?

  Get out, yeah.

• 39:21Speaker 07

  So I, I went on my knees and I took her wallet and his wallet.

• 39:25Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you robbed him? God bless. Good for you.

• 39:27Speaker 07

  I like money because they don't have time for me and if I have money, I can buy things and buy things for my friends so they can like me.

• 39:33Andrew Santino?

  Money over trauma?

• 39:34Speaker 07

  Yes, so that's, I found out that, but she, she, she was trying to tell me to not tell my mom.

• 39:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you did.

• 39:41Speaker 07

  I did and she, she shaved my head.

• 39:46Andrew Santino?

  So you told your mom dad's cheating and she shaved your head?

• 39:49Speaker 07

  Yeah, she asked me.

• 39:49Andrew Santino?

  She was mad at you for telling her?

• 39:51Speaker 07

  Yeah, she asked me, do you want my haircut? She has a little pixie haircut. I said, yes, yes, I do. And she took me there and it just started cutting shorter and shorter. I'm like, what, what's going on? She goes, it's gonna be great. And it was so short and then they start shaving my head. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to cut my scalp. Because my dad always hit me all the time. He's like, I, I know when somebody's gonna really cut your hair, they don't, you know, like if some guy is gonna rape me, I'll be like, let me give a blowjob first, let me suck the dick first, you know, if I can make him calm from sucking his dick, so at least, you know.

• 40:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 40:19Speaker 07

  It's safer. I was just, I won't scream. I'm like, okay, let me get on my knees, let me show you what I, you know, I'm gonna suck that dick so hard.

• 40:26Andrew Santino?

  Wait a minute, your old man, was he abusive? He beat you?

• 40:28Speaker 07

  He's only, he's not trying to be, but when I'm annoying, like when I'm annoying and he's drunk, you know, he just like get out of the way, he'll just slap me.

• 40:36Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 40:37Speaker 07

  But he's not trying to like, let me look at you and let me punch you up, like he's kinda like when I get up.

• 40:40Andrew Santino?

  He's just sloppy drunk?

• 40:42Speaker 07

  Sloppy and, and yeah, yeah sloppy drunk.

• 40:44Andrew Santino?

  And he's dead?

• 40:45Speaker 07

  No, he's still alive and he's sober now, cause he didn't want, I got more famous in China, he's, somebody was talking about me over their like a dinner thing, with his old friends, Chinese people. They were talking about me and they didn't know he's my father, because he's so drunk and he's such a loser. And he said he's my father, they start laughing at him, it's like there's no way, she would've never become who she is if she had a father like you. That really hit him, and then he got sober after that.

• 41:09Andrew Santino?

  How long has it been now?

• 41:10Speaker 07

  That's been like two years.

• 41:12Andrew Santino?

  Good for him, I hope he stays sober.

• 41:14Speaker 07

  I mean, he would've.

• 41:15Andrew Santino?

  Has he met your kids, his grandkids?

• 41:16Speaker 07

  He met the kids last year when I sent them to China, he loved them, he made a dinner for them every day.

• 41:21Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 41:22Speaker 07

  Mingming for my son, yeah, because he's a boy.

• 41:25Andrew Santino?

  Right, they don't take care of their brothers?

• 41:25Speaker 07

  My daughter was very chubby back then, I don't blame him. She just eats her emotions, because the father's gone and I don't care about her.

• 41:33Andrew Santino?

  She buries herself in food?

• 41:35Speaker 07

  Yeah, but now she's stressed out, cause my mom stopped body shaming her.

• 41:38Andrew Santino?

  Your mom's body shames her?

• 41:40Speaker 07

  Mom's like, you can be pretty and be in this dress, but it's okay. You can eat, because, because we're in America, you can eat. And you just stared at her.

• 41:49Speaker 07

  She, she overeats though.

• 41:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but she's a kid.

• 41:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, so you can do whatever she wants.

• 41:53Andrew Santino?

  She's two years old, right? She's two?

• 41:55Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 41:55Andrew Santino?

  You're gonna give a two-year-old Ozempic?

• 41:57Speaker 07

  Yeah, I just need to like inject in her, see how much she needs, you know?

• 42:00Andrew Santino?

  Well, you probably have the best version, Chinese Ozempic's gotta be the best.

• 42:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, it's like.

• 42:05Andrew Santino?

  People in China don't use that shit, do they?

• 42:06Speaker 07

  No, I feel like if you don't have discipline to lose weight, you should be fat, you don't deserve to be fat with, be skinny without paying for it.

• 42:14Andrew Santino?

  Well, cause you know Bobby's on Ozempic.

• 42:16Speaker 07

  Why, why is he, he's an Asian man, just put the rice bowl down.

• 42:20Andrew Santino?

  Put it down, put the rice bowl down.

• 42:21Speaker 07

  Put the rice bowl down.

• 42:21Andrew Santino?

  I've said that to him every day, put the rice bowl down.

• 42:23Speaker 07

  Walk, walk.

• 42:24Andrew Santino?

  Walk, like a walk?

• 42:25Speaker 07

  Just walk around.

• 42:26Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 42:26Speaker 07

  Walk, walk, walk away.

• 42:27Andrew Santino?

  Walk away from the walk.

• 42:28Speaker 07

  Yeah, walk away.

• 42:29Andrew Santino?

  We've said that to him multiple times. No, I don't like that he's on it, I don't like this injection of foreign chemicals.

• 42:33Speaker 07

  I don't like it.

• 42:34Andrew Santino?

  Who knows what the fuck that is?

• 42:35Speaker 07

  I think just, just starve yourself, just put your finger, just stick your finger in there, it's easy, yeah, it's not hard. Yeah, I, I know how to lose weight. Yeah, I know. I I just look at myself in the mirror, I'll be like, let's go.

• 42:47Andrew Santino?

  You're what do you mean, you're so skinny.

• 42:48Speaker 07

  I I think I uh, I I'm okay now.

• 42:50Andrew Santino?

  You had two kids, you're you're in phenomenal shape.

• 42:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, I can't I can't believe it. They are like, my son's gonna be six years old on February. I opened a comedy club on his birthday.

• 42:59Andrew Santino?

  You do a lot of things on their birthday. You came here on her birthday, you opened a club on his birthday.

• 43:02Speaker 07

  It's a big day for me. I'm on whiskey ginger, whiskey ginger, motherfucker, whiskey ginger. I can pronounce it because that's how big it is. Also, like, I think like, it's gonna, like, you you know, I think you have probably, I I can also like, I can X-ray.

• 43:15Andrew Santino?

  Oh, really?

• 43:16Speaker 07

  Pants. Like, when I see someone, I know their height.

• 43:20Andrew Santino?

  You know my height, you know my.

• 43:20Speaker 07

  You are six one.

• 43:21Andrew Santino?

  Six one, yeah, that's exactly right.

• 43:22Speaker 07

  I know exactly your height, and I know what your dick look like.

• 43:24Andrew Santino?

  You do?

• 43:25Speaker 07

  Circumcised.

• 43:26Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 43:27Speaker 07

  Pink, like a skinless chicken.

• 43:29Andrew Santino?

  Unbelievably pink.

• 43:30Speaker 07

  Yeah, very pink. I love pink, bright pink, beautiful pink, like, you know, like a Barbie pink, Ryan Gosling pink, you know, Ken pink.

• 43:37Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 43:37Speaker 07

  I would say is nice girls and uh, good leather state.

• 43:43Andrew Santino?

  Good what?

• 43:44Speaker 07

  When you are leather state. Leather state is like, not erect, but not like, soft.

• 43:48Andrew Santino?

  Ah.

• 43:49Speaker 07

  But like, not very, very embarrassing in a gym, but kind of weird.

• 43:53Andrew Santino?

  Weird.

• 43:53Speaker 07

  In the gym.

• 43:54Andrew Santino?

  Good when it's hard, bad when it's soft.

• 43:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, but like, leather state is kind of suspicious in a gym, like, you could be gay. You're like, why you have erection?

• 44:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:02Speaker 07

  I think that's your dick.

• 44:03Andrew Santino?

  We call, we call it grower, not a shower.

• 44:05Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 44:06Andrew Santino?

  That means it gets more length.

• 44:07Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:08Andrew Santino?

  It's fine, normal, but it gets good when it's gone.

• 44:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, it depends on how nice the girl is gonna take you, like, it depends on.

• 44:13Andrew Santino?

  Exactly right, depends on who I'm looking at.

• 44:15Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:15Andrew Santino?

  Is he a grower or a shower?

• 44:17Speaker 07

  He's a grower, he's a grower, yeah, he's a grower.

• 44:20Andrew Santino?

  Like, when he gets out of the shower, it's not great.

• 44:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:22Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 44:23Speaker 07

  Yeah, he has big balls, which is important. I think balls are good.

• 44:25Andrew Santino?

  You like big balls?

• 44:26Speaker 07

  I love big balls, I can't lie.

• 44:28Andrew Santino?

  Why, why?

• 44:29Speaker 07

  It just, it's just like, if I'm, if I'm, you know, if I'm gonna put my face on it, it better be big.

• 44:33Andrew Santino?

  They better be nice and big.

• 44:34Speaker 07

  Go big or go home, you know.

• 44:34Andrew Santino?

  Wouldn't you argue that smaller is easier to to to handle?

• 44:37Speaker 07

  I want to choke on it though.

• 44:38Andrew Santino?

  You do.

• 44:39Speaker 07

  I like the pain. I did not have any epidural when I was having the babies.

• 44:42Andrew Santino?

  You didn't get an epidural?

• 44:43Speaker 07

  No, the doctor said, you know, you can have epidural, right? I said, I don't want it.

• 44:47Andrew Santino?

  Why not? You just wanted the pain. You like your glutton for pain.

• 44:49Speaker 07

  I want the natural birth. I want to feel the pain of the natural birth. So when I abuse my son, I don't feel bad.

• 44:54Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 44:55Speaker 07

  Like, do you know what I did for you? Also, I want to breastfeed, so he can be gay forever. Like, my son's like mommy, they were in the park. I did not bring his little truck for the sand. And my daughter had two pink truck. And I said, just play with the pink one. He goes, no, that's a girl thing. I said, look at this. Yes, that's your boobs, mommy. I said, you put your lips on my boobs. You were sucking the milk, like.

• 45:19Speaker 07

  That's also very girly. He's like, did I do that? I said, yeah.

• 45:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 45:23Speaker 07

  You wanted it. You did that.

• 45:27Andrew Santino?

  Some would argue that's the most manly thing you could do is suck on a boob.

• 45:29Speaker 07

  Oh, that's, that's cute.

• 45:30Andrew Santino?

  That's manly to suck boobs. Men suck tits.

• 45:32Speaker 07

  That's hot. Don't tell him.

• 45:34Andrew Santino?

  Okay, well, I'm not gonna say it's your son.

• 45:35Speaker 07

  I'm using him against my.

• 45:36Andrew Santino?

  I hope he doesn't watch.

• 45:36Speaker 07

  I'll play with the pink truck. I said, you were sucking my tits.

• 45:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he was, wasn't he?

• 45:41Speaker 07

  You wanted it. You like it. You beg me every day to suck my tits for the milk, because you like milk.

• 45:46Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's where his food is.

• 45:47Speaker 07

  You're in my arms. He's like, I didn't do that. I said, yes, you did.

• 45:50Andrew Santino?

  Yes, you did.

• 45:50Speaker 07

  So I use that. I just, I do breastfeeding. And thank God, my Chinese communist hard-working titties are heavy. So they don't, I'm not wearing a bra, TMI, but they don't drop. I'm happy.

• 46:01Andrew Santino?

  They're still out, they're still looking forward. They're looking ahead at the future. Yeah, look at that. They're looking ahead at the future.

• 46:08Speaker 07

  Because I don't wear bra, and my boobs are trained to fight the gravity.

• 46:12Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 46:13Speaker 07

  I think bras are just really something.

• 46:16Andrew Santino?

  That's an American thing?

• 46:17Speaker 07

  Yeah, I don't, I mean.

• 46:18Andrew Santino?

  Do they not wear bras in China?

• 46:19Speaker 07

  They wear it in China. I'm just the hoe.

• 46:21Andrew Santino?

  You're just tall.

• 46:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, I just don't wear it because I don't, I like freedom.

• 46:24Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's why you moved here.

• 46:25Speaker 07

  I like to be, yeah, that's why I went to Kentucky.

• 46:28Andrew Santino?

  You moved to where, Kentucky?

• 46:29Speaker 07

  I went to Kentucky for college.

• 46:30Andrew Santino?

  You went to university in Kentucky?

• 46:31Speaker 07

  UK.

• 46:32Andrew Santino?

  Did you really?

• 46:33Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 46:33Andrew Santino?

  No way.

• 46:34Speaker 07

  I did. That's what I did to myself.

• 46:35Andrew Santino?

  Why Kentucky?

• 46:36Speaker 07

  I had no idea. I just wanted to come to America. I knew it, because when I was a little girl, my mom lent the money to my cousin. She opened a video store.

• 46:43Andrew Santino?

  A video store? Like a

• 46:44Speaker 07

  She rented out a C, uh, like DVDs of movies.

• 46:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:48Speaker 07

  So, um, she, she didn't pay the money back. My mom's like, well, you owe me money. You're going to babysit Zhao Ying after her school. She's gonna come to your video store and do her homework. You have to watch her, maybe, make sure she's not gone.

• 46:59Andrew Santino?

  And the video store was in Kentucky?

• 47:01Speaker 07

  No, in China. So I watched it, I watched the movies and I want to become a Hollywood actress. I just watch movies, but I, the whole time I saw Japanese porn. Because in, porn is not legal in mainland China.

• 47:10Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 47:11Speaker 07

  So there's a little drawer with this like little CDs. People just come in and give me the cash. I know I'm giving them the Japanese movie, but I didn't know it was a porn. So I've been studying porn when I was eight. I've been studying porn. I've been blowing up used condom.

• 47:25Andrew Santino?

  Balloon condom, yeah. Balloon, balloon just got

• 47:27Speaker 07

  Used though.

• 47:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they're only used, you can't do, but, but wait, how, but Kentucky's so random.

• 47:32Speaker 07

  It's so random, I just want to go to America and my mother won't help me with applying for schools. So I had to take the test and apply for schools and the first school give me an offer was okay. I had some other offer coming in later, but I just, during that time, I can't wait for two more months for the offers. I just want to go to America. I just thought, you know, I can go from Kentucky to New York.

• 47:52Andrew Santino?

  Did you do four years?

• 47:53Speaker 07

  I did. I dropped out the last six months.

• 47:55Andrew Santino?

  You dropped out?

• 47:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, I just wanted to leave and come to Hollywood. So I drove my four hundred dollar car here.

• 48:01Andrew Santino?

  From Kentucky?

• 48:01Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 48:02Andrew Santino?

  I thought you never went to New York, though.

• 48:04Speaker 07

  I never did, went to New York.

• 48:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you ended up here. This is, this is where the dreams are made.

• 48:08Speaker 07

  I think so. Yes, I'm here.

• 48:10Andrew Santino?

  You're making, trust me, you're making it happen.

• 48:12Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 48:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're making it happen very well. Kentucky is wild. What was your experience like in the south? Being from China and moving to the south?

• 48:19Speaker 07

  I, I saw that, I, I met two friends. I mean, they wanted to take me to church. They wanted to make me a Christian, for sure. They were nice people, they were sweet and nice people. And they just, they, they look at me, they, they are not racist. They just be like, what are you? Because there's, it's not like we are in Seattle or San Francisco. We're in Kentucky. I'm the only Asian person there. So they look at me, they're like, are you a sex robot? Like, do you do nails? Like, do, what do you do? Like, are you okay? Like, like, can you see?

• 48:49Andrew Santino?

  Can you see?

• 48:50Speaker 07

  Can you see like, you know, can you see like up and down? Like, like, how, how far can you see? Because like your eyes are like.

• 48:56Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's in our, you know, that's in the history of my, oh say, can you see? That's what we're referring to.

• 49:01Speaker 07

  Yes, right?

• 49:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, referring to Asians, yeah. Oh, say, can you see?

• 49:03Speaker 07

  I can see fine, I, I can see. And they were also like, what does your name mean? You know, what does your name mean? I said, my name means that princess married to the king. And the other queen wants to poison her when she was pregnant. So she had to really revenge and kill everybody. And then she become successful.

• 49:18Andrew Santino?

  All that in, in Zhao Ying.

• 49:20Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 49:23Andrew Santino?

  Did you go to, did you go to frat parties?

• 49:26Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.

• 49:40Speaker 07

  I, I, I wasn't.

• 49:41Andrew Santino?

  Because that's a big culture down there.

• 49:42Speaker 07

  Oh, very, very. Yeah, I was, uh, I wasn't popular. When I got there, I was slouching because I've been ugly my whole life in China. I.

• 49:49Andrew Santino?

  You're not ugly. When, how were you?

• 49:50Speaker 07

  Thank God, I, I, I learned to be, to have my confidence. So I, my boob just came in, so I was slouching. I have acne, I was wearing big glasses. I was just like, it's very skinny. I was just hiding in the corner. But I was a good, I was good at math. I was a math tutor. So like the Kentucky basketball team came to, to get tutored by me because I'm fast.

• 50:10Andrew Santino?

  Did any of those guys hit on you? Any of the Kentucky basketball teams?

• 50:13Speaker 07

  That's one of the most amazing story has changed my life. Is one of the guy, I'll tell his name. He was there, I was helping with his homework. And I, I think I, I, that's the day I got contact lenses. I wasn't even trying to be pretty. I was just doing things. And one of my hot friend, Chinese girl. So she is like the rich Chinese girl from China. She's look like a black pink, like the hot Chinese girl, hot Asian girl, white skin, bleached white, skinny, pretty. And she was sitting there and the guy's like, hey, we, we have a, a party, you know, to celebrate. We won. Did you want, what's your number? I was just the.

• 50:49Andrew Santino?

  The tutor?

• 50:50Speaker 07

  Uh, yeah, I was just the, not even, I don't think she, he was talking to me. So she's like, my number is blah, blah, blah. He's like, oh, I'm talking to her.

• 50:58Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 50:59Speaker 07

  She's like, what?

• 50:59Andrew Santino?

  Take that bitch.

• 51:00Speaker 07

  Yeah, and she kept talking. She's like, what? He's like, yeah, I'm talking to her. She goes, um, you know that in China, I'm the hotter one, right? Because he goes, why is that? She goes, because her skin's so dark. And I'm so much whiter and prettier.

• 51:14Andrew Santino?

  You should have beat the shit out of her.

• 51:15Speaker 07

  She's saying that to a black man.

• 51:16Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 51:17Speaker 07

  He just lost his shit. He goes, bitch, god damn, you're so jealous, I'm dead. Like, he start laughing. When I heard that laugh, he, like, black people laugh, like, he's, he laughed so hard, he couldn't catch his breath, he's like, you can come to the party, you can be a plus one.

• 51:31Andrew Santino?

  That's great.

• 51:31Speaker 07

  Hot, white girl, whatever. And that, I'm like, I'm, okay, I'm not ugly anymore. I, this is a new life now.

• 51:38Andrew Santino?

  That got your confidence up.

• 51:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's my new life. After that, I'm done. I'm done. Like, I just become hot. It just, it just happened.

• 51:44Andrew Santino?

  That's incredible.

• 51:45Speaker 07

  That's why I like black people.

• 51:46Andrew Santino?

  All it takes is one Kentucky athlete to tell you you're hot, and then it changes your whole perspective.

• 51:50Speaker 07

  And also because I tutor them, so the girls like me. They are nice to me. Like, the girls, the popular girls who don't talk to me, like, the hot, like, hot girls, now they're like, they want me, so they can get their numbers from me.

• 52:00Andrew Santino?

  Oh, interesting. You became like the kingpin to the athletes.

• 52:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, the kingpin to, yeah.

• 52:04Andrew Santino?

  It's a great movie, by the way.

• 52:05Speaker 07

  Yeah, that'll be good.

• 52:06Andrew Santino?

  It's a great movie.

• 52:07Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 52:07Andrew Santino?

  You're the connect.

• 52:08Speaker 07

  I am the-

• 52:08Andrew Santino?

  You're the plug, is what we say. You're the plug.

• 52:10Speaker 07

  This is the key to the BBC.

• 52:13Andrew Santino?

  The key to the BBC?

• 52:14Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:15Andrew Santino?

  That's a great movie, by the way.

• 52:17Speaker 07

  It's the key to the BBC.

• 52:17Andrew Santino?

  The key to the BBC, you coming from China, going to an all-American southern university where it's kind of like white, Christian, you know, with the southern good old boys and girls, right? Like, they wore, like, a lot of frat culture, like, sperry shoes, and like, button-ups and shit.

• 52:32Speaker 07

  Very, yeah, yeah, very.

• 52:34Andrew Santino?

  Did you like the culture down there, or no?

• 52:35Speaker 07

  I just wanted to, I just wanted to be likable. I just want to have friends, and I was able to make friends.

• 52:42Andrew Santino?

  Did you feel at home there at all?

• 52:44Speaker 07

  I end up having the feeling of feeling like home after I was able to find good friends.

• 52:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, right.

• 52:49Speaker 07

  They are for life. I have friends for fifteen years, like, from Kentucky. I, I was in Honolulu, and my, my best friend from college, she live in Hawaii, and I stayed her, with her for a week, and she knows me before I spoke, spoke English. She knew me when I was very shy. And she saw me playing Blue Note, and the people like, like me, and she just, she's so proud of me, but she know everything about me. So it's amazing to have friends, knowing you from a different life.

• 53:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that is really cool to see.

• 53:17Speaker 07

  Yeah, so it was, so I felt more like home after I was able to have this group of friends, like, the found family. Family in Kentucky, so Kentucky was hilarious, but like it was awful, there's something was awful, but like finding friends there, it was it was very sweet.

• 53:30Andrew Santino?

  Did you pick up any of an of an accent down there? Like, did you say words that sounded like southern when you learn English?

• 53:34Speaker 07

  Like my Masajahore accent is so strong, like it just filters everything out, like I don't know.

• 53:39Andrew Santino?

  Nothing you could get through.

• 53:40Speaker 07

  I can't say a southern accent.

• 53:42Andrew Santino?

  What's give me say say, hey, y'all, hey, y'all.

• 53:44Speaker 07

  Hey, y'all.

• 53:45Andrew Santino?

  That's not bad.

• 53:46Speaker 07

  Hey, y'all.

• 53:47Andrew Santino?

  Hey, y'all.

• 53:47Speaker 07

  Hey, y'all.

• 53:48Andrew Santino?

  Y'all going to church today?

• 53:50Speaker 07

  Yo, y'all going to church today?

• 53:52Andrew Santino?

  No, it's still so Chinese.

• 53:55Speaker 07

  I'm so Chinese, it's just crazy.

• 53:57Andrew Santino?

  No, but it's great, but it is funny, because if you had a Chinese accent with a southern twang would be very weird.

• 54:02Speaker 07

  That's weird.

• 54:02Andrew Santino?

  That's the bit, we have to learn to teach you that before we shoot the movie.

• 54:05Speaker 07

  I know.

• 54:06Andrew Santino?

  You have to have like a little southern draw.

• 54:07Speaker 07

  Jesper, get Chuck ready.

• 54:12Andrew Santino?

  Did you wait, did you now, did you, uh, did you ever date any southern boys while you were down there?

• 54:16Speaker 07

  Oh, my God, I did, I had a boyfriend, he, uh, I think he's probably gay now, he was a narcissist, he's like, he spent more time in front of the mirror than I do.

• 54:24Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow, yeah.

• 54:24Speaker 07

  But he was very pretty, so I was, I did him for my ego.

• 54:27Andrew Santino?

  Little southern boy?

• 54:28Speaker 07

  Yeah, he's he's a southern boy, he become a lawyer, he became a lawyer.

• 54:32Andrew Santino?

  Like his daddy, his daddy's daddy was a lawyer too?

• 54:34Speaker 07

  He was a zookeeper, his daddy's daddy.

• 54:35Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 54:36Speaker 07

  He was, yeah.

• 54:38Andrew Santino?

  You're you have like such a wealth of life that you've lived in such a short amount of time.

• 54:40Speaker 07

  I really have, I really, it's crazy.

• 54:42Andrew Santino?

  What's what's next for you in both in career and life now? Like, what do you want next?

• 54:47Speaker 07

  I wanted to finally to really, uh, be able to focus on the comedy, so I I'm filming my one hour special, uh, on March. Yeah, at Cobb's, which is one of my favorite clubs.

• 54:57Andrew Santino?

  I love Cobb's, San Francisco is phenomenal, how phenomenal, man, Cobb's Comedy Club is so wonderful, and I love San Francisco as a city, as a comedy city, it's incredible.

• 55:06Speaker 07

  It's fabulous.

• 55:06Andrew Santino?

  So you're filming it in March, March what?

• 55:08Speaker 07

  March fifteenth, uh, March fifteenth, uh, and six, uh, fifteen and sixteens.

• 55:12Andrew Santino?

  But it's, uh, you're fifteen and sixteen, you're doing four shows?

• 55:14Speaker 07

  Yeah, the the first one, first day just run a show, the sixteens would be the filming.

• 55:18Andrew Santino?

  You guys gotta go, if you're out there, by the way, San Francisco Bay Area.

• 55:21Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 55:22Andrew Santino?

  Go out and see my girl, fifteen and sixteen, taping her special at Cobb's Comedy, because that's place is such a great club, such great like staff, great people, great area, that city, it's so, I like, yeah, it's wonderful, and where are you putting it out, do you know?

• 55:32Speaker 07

  We we have some options, but I'll talk to you later.

• 55:35Andrew Santino?

  Fancy girl.

• 55:35Speaker 07

  We have some options.

• 55:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, don't you don't need to say anything now, that's fine.

• 55:37Speaker 07

  They they need someone who, you know, there's, I'm the only person who's doing comedy with broken English.

• 55:41Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 55:41Speaker 07

  They're like.

• 55:42Andrew Santino?

  No, there's a couple of other people, but they're not Chinese.

• 55:44Speaker 07

  Yeah, Chinese broken English.

• 55:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 55:46Speaker 07

  Broken Chinese English, yeah.

• 55:48Andrew Santino?

  Do you have a name for the special already?

• 55:49Speaker 07

  Um, I wanna call it Zhao Ying's the origin story, because it's like a part of my life.

• 55:55Andrew Santino?

  Zhao Ying's origin story, the origin story.

• 55:57Speaker 07

  The origin story.

• 55:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I like that. You don't wanna do key to the BBC?

• 55:59Speaker 07

  I, I think it's also like, you know, like, you know, get to know her, so the next time, you know, next special is a key to the BBC.

• 56:06Andrew Santino?

  Got it, got it. Let them ingratiate yourself, then let them know you, and then really break in. Do you tell any of these stories in your stand-up?

• 56:13Speaker 07

  Yes, I do. It's my life, and I think, also, I saw the scorpions. I'm very excited, because I used to sell scorpions when I was in school.

• 56:21Andrew Santino?

  Did you really?

• 56:21Speaker 07

  Yes, they are very good for erection.

• 56:24Andrew Santino?

  They're good for your weener?

• 56:25Speaker 07

  Yes, exactly. So the Chinese doctor, they, they, they buy scorpions from the village people, so they can dry them and powder them up, and then put it in the medicine to, if men need erection, they can drink that powder.

• 56:37Andrew Santino?

  So if I wanna get hard, I just have to eat a scorpion?

• 56:38Speaker 07

  Yes, I used to do a scorpion business in school when I was, after school, I take the fat boys, big boys, strong boys, with me to the mountains. I would take them, I was like twelve, something like that. I would just take them with me, a big team, we would just go to flip the rocks, spread the moist one under the tree, that's where the scorpions stay, and use chopsticks, put them in a mason jars, and I collect all the scorpions. I sell them, and then I would keep the money and buy those guys firecrackers and candies.

• 57:05Andrew Santino?

  When you were twelve years old, you were doing, you ran a business when you were twelve, so you were apt for, for business.

• 57:09Speaker 07

  Yeah, when I start comedy, I'm like, I suck, I don't speak English, I need ten thousand hours, I'm gonna buy a club, so I can host every day for ten hours a day, until I stop sucking, and that's what should be happening.

• 57:19Andrew Santino?

  By the way, the, using chopsticks to pick them up is hilarious, I'm sorry, but it couldn't be more stere, that's so funny. Why? You wouldn't just use your, use your hands with a glove or something?

• 57:27Speaker 07

  They, they, they, they can really, also, we are, we don't have gloves in China, we make them for you guys, but we are not.

• 57:32Andrew Santino?

  You don't keep any?

• 57:33Speaker 07

  No, it's, it's too fancy for us. A chopstick, one chopstick, right? You spit in the, use a, use a like a really skinny blade, cut in the middle, not all the way, like cut, like this is the chopstick, cut all the way here.

• 57:45Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 57:46Speaker 07

  You open up, you cut something in the top, and you put in the one, like one piece of wood in the middle, so it's like this, use rubber band it.

• 57:53Andrew Santino?

  Oh wow, I get it, yeah.

• 57:54Speaker 07

  That's also the chopstick we use for white people, because they can't use it, so.

• 57:57Andrew Santino?

  I can use chopsticks, I know how. Well, that's because I'm friends with enough Asians.

• 58:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 58:00Andrew Santino?

  I've passed enough tests.

• 58:01Speaker 07

  Bobby is gonna teach you.

• 58:02Andrew Santino?

  He will, actually, and I'm a little better than him, I'll be honest.

• 58:04Speaker 07

  I can see Bobby like this.

• 58:06Andrew Santino?

  His fingers get a little, uh, he's from San Diego.

• 58:08Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 58:09Andrew Santino?

  You know what I mean? He's not.

• 58:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, he's, yeah.

• 58:11Andrew Santino?

  You know what I mean? He's not the original. That, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna grind up a scorpion and I wanna know. Like, are they as poisonous in China, or, like, because here, I, I used to live in Arizona, I went to school, I went to college in Arizona.

• 58:21Speaker 07

  Oh, wow.

• 58:21Andrew Santino?

  There are scorpions out there that they, they'll get in your shoes and stuff. But they're, some of them are super poisonous. Are they poisonous in China, or no?

• 58:28Speaker 07

  They are, they, they hurt you, but it's not as poisonous.

• 58:30Andrew Santino?

  Not gonna kill you.

• 58:31Speaker 07

  Yeah, the one in the desert are monsters.

• 58:32Andrew Santino?

  They'll kill you, yeah. They can, they can get in your bloodstream, and if it's, if the poison is, uh, uh, whatever, uh, what is it, uh, you know, rich enough, or whatever, depending on the breed, they can, it can stop your heart and kill you.

• 58:43Speaker 07

  I think I'll be okay, because I eat trash, and we have toxic things in the water, like also.

• 58:49Andrew Santino?

  In China?

• 58:49Speaker 07

  The, the eggs are fake.

• 58:51Andrew Santino?

  Your eggs are fake?

• 58:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, I mean, you are, you, you have money, you can buy real ones, but I can, the eggs are fake, it's, it's chemical.

• 58:57Andrew Santino?

  They're chemically made eggs, they're made in a lab.

• 58:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, so I don't know how many poison thing I ate, so I think my body can really.

• 59:04Andrew Santino?

  You could take anything.

• 59:05Speaker 07

  Take anything, yeah.

• 59:05Andrew Santino?

  Well, what, what are you eating now, like, what's your diet like now?

• 59:07Speaker 07

  I, I eat very healthy, but I, I, I can't afford allergy, you know, I don't understand when people have allergy, I'm like, you're just weak, you know, like, you know, deep down, you are weak, you know, if, one day there's no food, I'm gonna die. If there's only peanuts, I'm gonna die.

• 59:20Andrew Santino?

  Just eat it.

• 59:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, I was like, it's okay, just don't, don't, just, you're weak, it's okay.

• 59:24Andrew Santino?

  People in China don't have allergies, huh?

• 59:25Speaker 07

  No, no.

• 59:26Andrew Santino?

  They're not allowed to have allergies? Because if they die, it means they weren't supposed to make it.

• 59:30Speaker 07

  I have a sister, that she is a really neurotic Jewish girl, and my mom, she, she would come to my office at my home, and she would eat with me, and she said that she has gluten allergy.

• 59:40Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate, you go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir, a KitchenAid stand mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer this year, and make more than meals.

• 1:00:08Andrew Santino?

  A gluten allergy right to the celiac, yeah.

• 1:00:10Speaker 07

  So she can't eat my mom's noodles? My mom's like, "I don't think you have gluten allergy, energy, it's energy." Whatever it is, you're so fat, you probably, why would you have allergy if you're fat? Like, why, if you can't eat noodles, why, where is this from?

• 1:00:25Andrew Santino?

  What did she say?

• 1:00:28Speaker 07

  She, my mom was speaking Chinese, so I had to lie about it.

• 1:00:30Andrew Santino?

  Oh, she didn't hear it. Oh, so you just go, "Oh, she says she wishes you could eat the noodles."

• 1:00:33Speaker 07

  Yes, then my mom said, then she's, she, she, she won't eat the noodles. My mom saw that, she came with her translator, be like, "You don't have allergy to gluten, you look so fat, you eat everything." So...

• 1:00:46Andrew Santino?

  Is she still your assistant?

• 1:00:47Speaker 07

  No.

• 1:00:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:48Speaker 07

  So my mom just showed that to her, she saw it. She goes, she goes, "Oh, I see." My mom's like, "Good, I don't want you to feel like you're not home because you don't speak the language."

• 1:00:57Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:00:57Speaker 07

  You don't understand what I'm talking to you.

• 1:00:58Andrew Santino?

  You're one of us now.

• 1:00:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, so she's just really honest about it. I don't respect allergy, I just don't, if a guy has allergy to things, like to the basic things, I, I can't, I'm not gonna put your dick in my mouth.

• 1:01:09Andrew Santino?

  If you're allergic to peanuts.

• 1:01:11Speaker 07

  Your penis is not gonna be in my mouth if you can't eat a peanut.

• 1:01:13Andrew Santino?

  Right, well, this is, this is logic.

• 1:01:14Speaker 07

  It's a weakness.

• 1:01:15Andrew Santino?

  At the end of the day, that's logic.

• 1:01:16Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:01:20Andrew Santino?

  For all my sports fans out there, you need to download ProfitX. It's incredible, the first ever peer-to-peer exchange in the US. You can play against other individuals rather than against a sportsbook. You don't want to do that, you want to play against people, humans, hot beats, blood flow, huh? This allows you to get significantly better odds on your favorite teams and leads to over 50% of ProfitX users making money versus just 2% on sportsbooks. That is incredible. Uh, I use it while traveling to different shows, uh, it's great. They're available in 40-plus states, pretty good. Even here in California, you can even play completely, for free. You can play for free. But the best part about this is genuinely peer-to-peer. I love that. You're playing humans, not robots and algorithms and, and god knows.

• 1:02:04Andrew Santino?

  Okay, I'm not playing something that Steve Jobs built before he died. I'm gonna play a human being, all right? Uh, before the CFP semifinals and the NFL playoffs kickoff, make sure to download ProfitX and use promo code WHISKY to get up to 300 In profit cash. That's pretty incredible. 300 in profit cash. When you download ProfitX and use promo code WHISKY, you'll get 300 bucks in profit cash. The first ever peer-to-peer exchange in the US. You must try it if you're someone that loves sports and wants to tickle their fancy out there and see if they can play against other people and beat them.

• 1:02:42Andrew Santino?

  Back it up real fast. You're shooting in March. We don't know where it's gonna come out or when it's gonna come out, but next year you're gonna put it out?

• 1:02:46Speaker 07

  Yes. And then are you the fall?

• 1:02:49Andrew Santino?

  Are you touring the rest of the year after this, or no?

• 1:02:51Speaker 07

  Yes, I have a...

• 1:02:52Andrew Santino?

  No days down for you?

• 1:02:53Speaker 07

  Yeah, every weekend I'm touring.

• 1:02:55Andrew Santino?

  Did the kids come with you ever, or no?

• 1:02:56Speaker 07

  My son go with me if I'm close to California, if it's drivable.

• 1:03:00Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:03:01Speaker 07

  He will always come with me. I'll take my daughter too. And I went, they went to DC with me too, when sometimes I can plan things out, but I always try to take them on the road with me. My mom come with us.

• 1:03:10Andrew Santino?

  That's a great, that's a beautiful family experience, especially because you're a single mother, so you're giving them your world. It's nice for them to see your world.

• 1:03:17Speaker 07

  I feel like, because I grew up and my mom was, she always slapped me and hit me, but I always, we are still very close, because I was always with her. I was always at the restaurant. I always was cleaning dishes, listening to her yelling at other people, but I can see her. I know she didn't love me, but she, I'm a part of her life.

• 1:03:31Andrew Santino?

  She likes you.

• 1:03:31Speaker 07

  She likes me. I just always, I want them to be around me, even though it's noisy, but they are part of my life. They are happy.

• 1:03:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:38Speaker 07

  I always worked. I cleaned dishes. I was cleaning the bathroom. My job is cleaning bathroom.

• 1:03:43Andrew Santino?

  You cleaned the bathroom in the hotel?

• 1:03:44Speaker 07

  In the hotel and in the, I got paid though.

• 1:03:48Andrew Santino?

  You got paid for, I mean, yeah, she actually, she gave you... So do you pay your kids to come along? Your son's gonna start getting paid for those opening spots?

• 1:03:53Speaker 07

  Yes, he got toys.

• 1:03:55Andrew Santino?

  Toys, right.

• 1:03:55Speaker 07

  Yes, and then my daughter, she want to do that too.

• 1:03:58Andrew Santino?

  She also wants to be a comedian?

• 1:03:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, she just, they just, they hold my microphone at home and just competing on who's funnier in front of my mom.

• 1:04:05Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 1:04:05Speaker 07

  Yeah, they really love it.

• 1:04:07Andrew Santino?

  That's really beautiful. Are you gonna put, are you gonna put something about your mom in the special, or do you not talk about her on stage?

• 1:04:13Speaker 07

  I talk about her, because she's the reason why I'm crazy.

• 1:04:16Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:04:16Speaker 07

  Yeah, she...

• 1:04:17Andrew Santino?

  She's crazy?

• 1:04:18Speaker 07

  Yeah, she, I mean, she hate me all the time. Like, when I was growing up, I'm very annoying her. I don't blame her, you know? She has raised three children on her own. Her husband's drunk, and she's 19 when she had me. She's a child. She never had her life.

• 1:04:28Andrew Santino?

  So your mom's, your mom's very young.

• 1:04:30Speaker 07

  She's very young. She's 53.

• 1:04:31Andrew Santino?

  Wow, that's Bobby's age.

• 1:04:33Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:04:33Andrew Santino?

  Your mom and Bobby could be a couple.

• 1:04:35Speaker 07

  They could be.

• 1:04:35Andrew Santino?

  Is she single?

• 1:04:36Speaker 07

  She's still married to my dad, because in Chinese culture, you can't get a divorce.

• 1:04:40Andrew Santino?

  But I mean, she could be single. She could see other people here, right?

• 1:04:43Speaker 07

  She didn't want to, because she's a peasant.

• 1:04:45Andrew Santino?

  She's a peasant.

• 1:04:46Speaker 07

  She's a communist peasant.

• 1:04:47Andrew Santino?

  She's a communist peasant.

• 1:04:48Speaker 07

  Her brain isn't, I, I, my friends gave me a dildo and I give it to her, she uses it on my neck massage.

• 1:04:53Andrew Santino?

  Well, yeah, they do feel really good. I mean, that's why I have them at home.

• 1:04:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, she, she uses it on her neck.

• 1:04:58Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:04:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, she's, I don't know what's wrong with her. She's, she's very crazy and she, she's very, um, she really is too much.

• 1:05:06Andrew Santino?

  She's too much, but it's wonderful.

• 1:05:08Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's wonderful.

• 1:05:09Andrew Santino?

  It's obviously influenced you to be who you are.

• 1:05:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, she's very straightforward with me. She just tell me what's wrong with me and she's, I mean.

• 1:05:15Andrew Santino?

  But this not, this not having a filter is what helps you be as funny and creative as you are.

• 1:05:19Speaker 07

  Yeah, I just think.

• 1:05:19Andrew Santino?

  You tell the truth. You just say what you feel.

• 1:05:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, people just need to chill because they suck, you know?

• 1:05:26Speaker 07

  They just, people want something they don't deserve. I'm like, chill, like you don't deserve it. Also, like, I, I don't think I deserve anything, but if anyone gave me an opportunity, like if I have a club date, I'm going to promote the shit out of it. I'm gonna make sure it's sold out. I'm gonna tip the staff. I'm gonna give everybody a merch. I'm just gonna, because they can book anyone else. I want to make sure I make them money. I'm very Chinese. My love language is money. Do I make your money? Let me bring value to you.

• 1:05:50Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 1:05:50Speaker 07

  I want to bring value to you. I, I want, if you have dinner with me and your wife, you're gonna get blowjob tonight. I'm make sure she's gonna do that for you. Like, I don't want to just be like.

• 1:05:57Andrew Santino?

  Can you come over to the house tonight?

• 1:05:58Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'll just like, I'll just be like, there's a lot of ways, the way to lick the balls. And they're like, you, you can put them in your mouth, one or, like, I can tell her everything.

• 1:06:06Andrew Santino?

  You need to coach her a little bit. That's really good. I'd love that. I'd appreciate it.

• 1:06:08Speaker 07

  I'll bring a banana with me.

• 1:06:09Andrew Santino?

  Please.

• 1:06:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, I, for sure.

• 1:06:11Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's, honestly, uh, I do think that's, that's a great thing you mentioned that I think is very powerful is when you said not, you know, not entitled, because entitlement is a big issue, both in our culture, but especially in our business. People in our business feel entitled. It's really nice to see you've gone out of your way to like make your own path, to not think you deserve something because, you know, that happens in our comedy culture, where it's like entitlement is like, you don't deserve shit. No one owes you shit.

• 1:06:34Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:06:35Andrew Santino?

  And we, I kind of grew up with that mentality of like, you better keep working and getting it, because no one's gonna give it to you. Especially because I'm, I look like this, you know, I'm not some, I'm not fucking Brad Pitt. They're gonna, they.

• 1:06:43Speaker 07

  You're handsome.

• 1:06:44Andrew Santino?

  I'm okay. But I gotta go get it. You know, they're not gonna, they're not, the phone isn't ringing to be like, hey, we need you for this thing.

• 1:06:49Speaker 07

  You were like, if Brad Pitt married, uh, was that that guy?

• 1:06:52Andrew Santino?

  A leprechaun?

• 1:06:53Speaker 07

  No, no, the fight club. You're in the middle.

• 1:06:55Andrew Santino?

  I'm in the middle, right, right. I'm somewhere in the middle.

• 1:06:57Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:06:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's fine. I'll take half and half.

• 1:06:59Speaker 07

  You are, you are hotter than, um. Edward Norton.

• 1:07:02Andrew Santino?

  No fucking way.

• 1:07:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, you are hotter than him.

• 1:07:04Andrew Santino?

  That guy's so handsome.

• 1:07:05Speaker 07

  No, Brad Pitt is the hotter.

• 1:07:06Andrew Santino?

  Brad Pitt is a 10. Norton is like a 8.

• 1:07:10Speaker 07

  I think you...

• 1:07:10Andrew Santino?

  I'm 7.5. I know, we've done the scale.

• 1:07:12Speaker 07

  I think Norton was a 7.5. He's like, he's...

• 1:07:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, then we're parallel.

• 1:07:15Speaker 07

  I don't like, he's like, he's like too pointy.

• 1:07:17Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he's too skinny?

• 1:07:19Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:07:19Andrew Santino?

  Too thin and sexy?

• 1:07:21Speaker 07

  No, I just, I don't like the Rat Boy look.

• 1:07:24Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Rat Boy Summer is over for you?

• 1:07:26Speaker 07

  That Timothy Chalamet. I'll breastfeed him.

• 1:07:28Andrew Santino?

  You will let him suck on those titties.

• 1:07:29Speaker 07

  Yeah, but I don't want it to be a pedophile on the fuck him. I don't want that to, this little boy. I think, yeah, Edward Norton's face is like too pointy.

• 1:07:38Andrew Santino?

  Too pointy.

• 1:07:39Speaker 07

  So you are like, in my opinion, you are more handsome than him.

• 1:07:42Andrew Santino?

  God bless, I love you.

• 1:07:42Speaker 07

  Because it's not, you have defined a jaw.

• 1:07:44Andrew Santino?

  Don't do this to me, you're gonna make me move to China.

• 1:07:46Speaker 07

  You are, yeah, they love white, you're just being white, they love you.

• 1:07:49Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 1:07:49Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:07:50Andrew Santino?

  I know. Alright, listen. I appreciate you coming on the show, you are the greatest. I think all of my fans out there, you want to support great live comedy, someone who is wonderfully entertaining, great energy, so funny, a great presence, go see her on tour. What's your website? Is your, just your name?

• 1:08:07Speaker 07

  SummersComedy.com.

• 1:08:08Andrew Santino?

  SummersComedy.com, we'll put the link in the description down below. Go see her taping, if it's not sold out, I don't know what's going on in San Francisco, but if it's not already sold out, there's four shows available at Cobb's to go watch her, and go look at her website to see all of her upcoming dates, she's on tour. I appreciate you, we end the episode the same way. Look into that camera right there and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode. One word or a phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready.

• 1:08:35Speaker 07

  Whiskey ginger motherfucker.

• 1:08:38Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Who's that creature in the ginger beard?

• 1:08:46Speaker 04

  Sturdy and ginger. Like peppers, the ginger gene is a curse.

• 1:08:50Speaker 05

  Ginger's a beautiful... You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell no.

• 1:08:57Speaker 06

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.