Pod Insights Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino Lisa Gilroy About this episode Lisa Gilroy is a Canadian actress and comedian celebrated for her dynamic performances across television and digital platforms. She gained prominence as the host of YTV's "The Zone" and the International Emmy-nominated series "Undercover High." Her acting repertoire includes roles in "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" (2019), "History of the World: Part II" (2023), and the Netflix series "Glamorous" (2023). In 2024, she starred as Detective Sarah Green in Hulu's "Interior Chinatown." Beyond television, Lisa's viral comedic sketches have solidified her status as a rising star in the comedy scene.
#lisagilroy #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #podcast
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Transcript 18,119 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Andrew Santino? What up Whiskey Ginger fans, welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. Subscribe it, like it, leave a comment down below for the Al Go Rhythm. Got a good one today and I am on tour, very excited. Right now, this very moment, I'm in New Orleans, New Orleans, Louisiana. And then tomorrow, I'm in San Antone. Then I'm taking a little bit of break for the holidays and I'm back up at it in Yanuar, January. I'm gonna be in Chicago, doing Charleston and Durham and New York and Philly and Boston and Minneapolis and San Diego and San Francisco and Phoenix and I'm all over the place. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets, andrewsantino.com. See you out there.
0:41 Speaker 01 In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.
0:46 Speaker 02 Who's that creature in the ginger beard?
0:48 Speaker 03 It's sturdy and ginger.
0:50 Speaker 04 Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a beauty. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse.
0:57 Speaker 02 Ginger's, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.
1:05 Andrew Santino? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I'm gonna meet him once again today. It is Lisa Gilroy.
1:17 Andrew Santino? Very good.
1:18 Speaker 05 $50, $50, $50, $50, you can do that.
1:22 Andrew Santino? Four to the five, seven to nine, seven to nine, sold to the man with the big tits.
1:27 Speaker 05 They say a word in there that's like a filler word that they say. It's not like
1:30 Andrew Santino? No, no, it's a real word, like, you know?
1:38 Andrew Santino? No, they just repeat the number. They go, if it's 70 bucks for that, they go, 70, 70, 70, 70, 75, 75, 75.
1:46 Speaker 05 Can you do it with 60?
1:48 Andrew Santino? 66, 66, 66, 66, 66, 66, 66, 66.
1:52 Speaker 05 660, 66, 66, 66, I never heard them ever say 66, 66.
1:55 Andrew Santino? Well, you can't do it. That's why we don't employ you. That's why you're not part of
1:57 Speaker 05 Well, you can do it either. It didn't sound like
1:57 Andrew Santino? 66, 66, 66, 66, 66, 66, 66, 66, that's how they do it.
2:02 Speaker 05 Okay, that's actually, that's, that's pretty good.
2:04 Andrew Santino? You're welcome. Where are you from?
2:07 Speaker 05 Edmonton, Alberta.
2:08 Andrew Santino? Wow.
2:09 Speaker 05 You ever heard of it?
2:11 Andrew Santino? I've played it a million times.
2:12 Speaker 05 You played it?
2:13 Andrew Santino? I played the West Edmonton Mall.
2:14 Speaker 05 I forgot you were a banjo guy.
2:16 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
2:16 Speaker 05 How were the crowds?
2:23 Andrew Santino? Uh, the crowds were pretty good. The banjo scene died in like 97 or 98. I started in 05, 06.
2:30 Speaker 05 Oh.
2:30 Andrew Santino? So I was trying to fucking bring life back to something that was definitely not coming back around.
2:34 Speaker 05 Do you play double string or single string?
2:36 Andrew Santino? Single. I've never been able to play double, just because I cut my nails really short.
2:39 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
2:40 Andrew Santino? I don't bite them though, but I do cut them really short, so yeah.
2:42 Speaker 05 Well, you need long on one side for picking and short on the other side for...
2:45 Andrew Santino? Hmm, and I can't grow nails on my right hand. That's the problem.
2:47 Speaker 05 You don't have fingers on your right hand?
2:48 Andrew Santino? Well, this is all, you know, part of the illusion of the show. Uh, I played West Ed Mall. Stand up at, uh, comedy, uh, um, comic, uh...
2:58 Speaker 05 Comic Strip?
2:59 Andrew Santino? No, Comic Strip's the other one. Oh no, Comic Strip's West Ed, yeah.
3:02 Speaker 05 I don't remember what it's called. I only ever went there one time. Uh...
3:06 Andrew Santino? What's wrong with me? I can't believe I can't remember. I do know this. I played it a thousand fucking times back in the day. My brain's just mush this morning because of, um, all the travel, but...
3:14 Speaker 05 Were you just go back from Europe?
3:15 Andrew Santino? Australia. Same thing.
3:17 Speaker 05 Whoa, down under. How was it?
3:21 Andrew Santino? I've never heard "down under"? What is that?
3:22 Speaker 05 Down under!
3:23 Andrew Santino? What's that?
3:24 Speaker 05 It means like, okay, so you know how the, a world is, has a top and a bottom part? So the top part's where all the snow is and everything, and the bottom part's where all the rain falls and it kind of collects and makes an ocean? So in the bottom where the ocean is, if there's any part of sand that grows a lot and is tall enough to become an island, it becomes Australia. So that's why they call it "under" because it's under the world on the bottom.
3:42 Andrew Santino? Hmm.
3:43 Speaker 05 How was it?
3:45 Andrew Santino? Lot of water, I'll tell you that.
3:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
3:47 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
3:47 Speaker 05 And a lot of convicts, right? I thought Australia is where all the prisoners go. We're not supposed to say that? Is that, is that...
3:52 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I mean, that's a little rude and racist.
3:54 Speaker 05 Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, sorry.
3:54 Andrew Santino? That's a little rude and racist.
3:55 Speaker 05 I didn't know. I just heard that.
3:56 Andrew Santino? Why don't you go back to England?
3:57 Speaker 05 Oh.
3:58 Andrew Santino? Bigot? Bigot? That's what, you know, that's what frogs are actually saying. Bigot. Bigot. So if you take a frog around someone, you can tell. That's like, you know, like Gadar, that's their...
4:08 Speaker 05 Yeah, but if they say it all the time then how are you supposed to know when it's telling the truth?
4:11 Andrew Santino? Hey.
4:12 Speaker 05 It's kind of like you. You lie all the time, so how are we supposed to know?
4:14 Andrew Santino? Everyone's a bigot. That's the point.
4:16 Speaker 05 Whoa.
4:17 Andrew Santino? Welcome to the real world, kid.
4:18 Speaker 05 Welcome to the real world, you said to me, God will send a lead.
4:24 Speaker 05 So, why were you in Australia?
4:26 Andrew Santino? Who is that again?
4:27 Speaker 05 I think that's Wayne Brady from, uh...
4:31 Andrew Santino? Wayne Gretzky?
4:32 Speaker 05 No, Wayne Brady from, uh, Whose Line Is It Anyway?
4:34 Andrew Santino? From Brady Bunch, yeah. Why was I done under, we were playing shows, and let me back it up real fast. I have said a thousand times how much I do have a lot of love for, um, for Alberta.
4:43 Speaker 05 Oh.
4:44 Andrew Santino? Canada. I've also been to the Calgary Stampede, up there in Calgary, Calgary. Uh, I do love it. I actually did start there, seriously.
4:52 Speaker 05 Really?
4:53 Andrew Santino? At Rick Bronson's room. Yeah, Rick and Tammy Bronson's room.
4:55 Speaker 05 What do you mean you started there?
4:56 Andrew Santino? That was like, for the first couple of times I got to headline was, um, up at the West Ed Mall.
5:00 Speaker 05 Oh, that's nice. Did you stay at the Fantasyland?
5:02 Andrew Santino? I'd never stayed at the hotel. They had condo, they had a couple of condos that were down the road that most comics, when you start out, you stay at the condo because they own it. And then, but I've always said this about that place, and I'm being genuine.
5:12 Speaker 05 Okay.
5:13 Andrew Santino? The women, the women in, I've always joked about this, the women in Alberta are shockingly beautiful, like, no, I'm not kidding, and the men...
5:27 Speaker 05 Are atrocious.
5:28 Andrew Santino? Unbelievable. The disparity is so cra- it, honestly. It is so, the gap is so big, like, when we would go out to like, get a drink or get something to eat, I'd be like, "Look at all these beautiful girls, and their boyfriends or husbands are these absolute animals."
5:45 Speaker 05 How do you know it's not their brothers?
5:47 Andrew Santino? What's the difference?
5:48 Speaker 05 Well, were they kissing?
5:50 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
5:50 Speaker 05 Because then they were brothers, sister.
5:52 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that's what I mean.
5:53 Speaker 05 That's Alberta way. You know how there's something I heard?
5:55 Andrew Santino? You know what I'm talking about, though, the women are beautiful up there.
5:57 Speaker 05 I mean, that's great, I, I, I think I would agree with you.
6:00 Andrew Santino? Why are the guys not?
6:02 Speaker 05 Maybe because they...
6:03 Andrew Santino? Is your dad ugly?
6:06 Speaker 05 Um, no. My dad's not ugly.
6:10 Speaker 05 No, my dad's awesome looking.
6:13 Andrew Santino? Your mom was pretty and your dad wasn't. Just be on, tell me the truth.
6:16 Speaker 05 No, well, I'll show you a picture of my dad.
6:17 Andrew Santino? Yeah, yeah, a hundred percent.
6:19 Speaker 05 And you can tell me.
6:20 Andrew Santino? And I want to see. Can you grab me a water?
6:23 Speaker 05 Okay, let me bring up his contact photo here. Dad.
6:26 Andrew Santino? Just bring up the best photo you have of your dad.
6:28 Speaker 05 Well, this is here. Look, I'm showing you.
6:32 Andrew Santino? Oh no, he's a handsome cat. He is a handsome cat. Nice lettuce on him, good smile.
6:37 Speaker 05 Nice lettuce?
6:38 Andrew Santino? His hair.
6:39 Speaker 05 Oh, is that what that is?
6:40 Andrew Santino? Good lettuce, good, good, good smile.
6:42 Speaker 05 Aww.
6:42 Andrew Santino? I like that guy.
6:43 Speaker 05 Yeah, he's a good guy.
6:44 Andrew Santino? Let me see your mom. Show me the factory that made you. I wanna know how the sausage was made.
6:49 Speaker 05 I don't have a recent picture of my mom.
6:52 Andrew Santino? You can just come here.
6:54 Speaker 05 I only have...
6:57 Andrew Santino? You don't have a recent photo of your mom? Do you not, do you not talk to your parents anymore?
6:59 Speaker 05 I mean, my, because my contact photo for her is a joke.
7:02 Andrew Santino? That's why you became an actor?
7:04 Speaker 05 There's gotta be a picture of her somewhere.
7:05 Andrew Santino? I don't talk to my mommy and daddy anymore.
7:07 Speaker 05 Oh my god, I'm shaking from my coffee. I'm so tiddled jitterbugs. I can't find a picture of my mom. Isn't that bad? Isn't that so the Alberta girl way?
7:16 Andrew Santino? I would say that's a little unfortunate for you. Depending on your relationship. Are your parents still together?
7:21 Speaker 05 No.
7:21 Andrew Santino? Yeah, duh.
7:22 Speaker 05 Yeah, duh, right?
7:23 Andrew Santino? That's why you're so good.
7:24 Speaker 05 Okay, all I can find is, all I can find is an old picture. But you're gonna get so horny for this.
7:28 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
7:29 Speaker 05 It's my mom and her two sisters and they're all topless.
7:31 Andrew Santino? Pop me off.
7:34 Andrew Santino? Whoa, dude. For the viewers at home...
7:37 Speaker 05 Can you guess which one is my...
7:38 Andrew Santino? Their tits are out.
7:39 Speaker 05 Can you guess, can you guess which one is mine?
7:42 Andrew Santino? How funny if it was one of these beautiful portraits and their tits were out in this photo? It would be fucking amazing.
7:47 Speaker 05 It is, for the listeners. They are topless, but it's tasteful. It's like a studio, like...
7:52 Andrew Santino? Will you send this to me so I can show the audience?
7:54 Speaker 05 No!
7:54 Andrew Santino? Why not?
7:55 Speaker 05 Fucking freak, give me that.
7:56 Andrew Santino? This is not, it's a P...
7:57 Speaker 05 You fucking freak, you fucking freak, give it to me!
7:59 Andrew Santino? It's a PG photo.
8:00 Speaker 05 Help, help!
8:01 Andrew Santino? Okay, okay, calm down. Jesus Christ. Wait, let me guess, your mom is, you asked me to guess.
8:06 Speaker 05 Yeah, I guess which one.
8:06 Andrew Santino? The Puerto Rican girl at the bottom? No, your mom is actually the top left.
8:10 Speaker 05 No.
8:10 Andrew Santino? No, it's that one right there, yeah. You know how I can tell?
8:13 Speaker 05 You couldn't tell, so...
8:15 Andrew Santino? You have this, no, I...
8:16 Speaker 05 Well, you guessed the wrong one, so...
8:17 Andrew Santino? You have the same beauty mark. She has the same thing.
8:21 Speaker 05 No, she doesn't, you're out of your fucking mind. Show me a picture of your mom, so I can woo-ga-woo-ga. Oh, sorry. I was actually just informed before the podcast started. I'm sorry.
8:31 Andrew Santino? I'll show you my mom. You wanna see my mom, pal? Show you my fucking mom bud.
8:38 Speaker 05 How come you get a little carpet with your face on it, but I don't have one here to put my feet on?
8:42 Andrew Santino? Nobody wanted to make it. I asked if anybody wanted to make a picture of your face and they were all like, "No thanks." Which I thought was a little rude.
8:47 Speaker 05 So, do you have that so that when people ask you, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" You can say, "Yeah, photorealistic."
8:53 Andrew Santino? I have hardwood floors. Carpet in your basement? That's insane.
8:56 Speaker 05 You have hardwood floors?
8:59 Speaker 05 Oh, so you got burned bad and things are shiny and lacquered?
9:02 Andrew Santino? Third degree.
9:04 Andrew Santino? Um, let me see. I'm gonna find you my mom. I wanna find you a girl who my mom that she would approve. My parents are gotta be older than yours. So I, she wouldn't approve of, she gets a little, you know what I mean? Mommy gets a little insecure. That's my mom.
9:17 Speaker 05 So you lied to me?
9:20 Speaker 05 You lied to me?
9:21 Andrew Santino? I don't know if I should let you have my phone now.
9:23 Speaker 05 Why?
9:24 Andrew Santino? You screamed "Help" as loud as you can, like a fucking nonsensical pervert.
9:27 Speaker 05 Yeah, because you wouldn't give it back. You can scream "Help" if I don't give this one back.
9:30 Andrew Santino? I don't wanna fucking scream.
9:32 Speaker 05 Um, your mom is gorgeous. Look at this duo. Wait, so you lied to me, right before we started, you said your parents were dead?
9:36 Andrew Santino? My parents are alive, yeah.
9:37 Speaker 05 Oh, okay.
9:38 Andrew Santino? I mean, yeah.
9:39 Speaker 05 There's a person seen at your front door.
9:41 Andrew Santino? Gross, I hate that. Let's see who it is. Get away!
9:46 Speaker 05 See, you did exactly what I did.
9:48 Andrew Santino? Get away! Um, yeah, she's, she's, my mom is a beautiful, beautiful woman.
9:53 Speaker 05 She is a beautiful, beautiful woman.
9:53 Andrew Santino? Gorgeous. That's why, uh...
9:55 Speaker 05 And what about your dad? How's the, like, what are we talking about? The, are they both gorgeous?
10:01 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
10:02 Speaker 05 Yeah, dot, dot, dot, exclamation mark, question mark, question mark.
10:04 Andrew Santino? I'm from Alberta. My dad is, um, a, uh, a big, tall Sicilian guy.
10:11 Speaker 05 Daddy was a big, tall Sicilian guy.
10:13 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that Jim Croce? Daddy was a big, tall Sicilian guy. Oh, Mexico.
10:20 Speaker 05 Don't know it.
10:20 Andrew Santino? James Taylor.
10:22 Speaker 05 Nope.
10:22 Andrew Santino? Back it up.
10:25 Andrew Santino? I've, I'm a fan of yours. For people that don't know who you are that are listening right now, you're an incredible and talented sketch performer, improver, actor, comedian, writer, um...
10:37 Andrew Santino? Uh, an old henna artist. I know you did henna tattoos for years and years and years.
10:41 Speaker 05 Years.
10:42 Andrew Santino? On Venice Boulevard.
10:43 Speaker 05 Yeah.
10:43 Andrew Santino? And, uh, I think the transition from doing henna to getting more in comedy is kind of, that was the...
10:48 Speaker 05 Well, that's the pipeline, right?
10:49 Andrew Santino? How did that?
10:50 Speaker 05 You move to LA, you usually start doing henna on the Boulevard.
10:53 Andrew Santino? Henna or you sell rap CDs? I sold rap CDs for a couple of years.
10:55 Speaker 05 Did you?
10:56 Andrew Santino? Yeah, for about six or seven years.
10:58 Speaker 05 Were you just a boy?
10:59 Andrew Santino? I just smacked my... Yo, yo, yo, yo, you like hip-hop? I would do that all over the Boulevard.
11:03 Speaker 05 There's a little boy on the Boulevard who sings, and I think his dad is quite mean.
11:06 Andrew Santino? No, no, dude, he wants to sing.
11:08 Speaker 05 No, I don't think he wants to.
11:09 Andrew Santino? Do you live on the West Side?
11:10 Speaker 05 No.
11:11 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
11:11 Speaker 05 I sometimes go dip my toe in the ocean. Do you?
11:14 Andrew Santino? I've been in Los Angeles for almost, uh, it's 20 years, and, um, I haven't been to the beach in over 10.
11:22 Speaker 05 We gotta go, man.
11:23 Andrew Santino? No, thanks.
11:24 Speaker 05 We gotta dip our toes in the sand, man. We gotta put our bikinis on and enjoy life for once. Coconuts? Huh? Well, that'd be good.
11:32 Andrew Santino? I have zero interest in going to the beach. This beach, these beaches are the worst beaches.
11:36 Speaker 05 You know who you sound like? The dad at the beginning of a Disney movie who doesn't like...
11:39 Andrew Santino? I have zero interest in going to the beach.
11:41 Speaker 05 Bah, bah humbug, you boys go to the beach, I'll be here with my briefcase.
11:45 Andrew Santino? What ends up happening?
11:46 Speaker 05 He's like, Dad, you missed my big baseball game at the beach.
11:49 Andrew Santino? Why were you guys playing at the beach again, son? You couldn't play at a baseball field?
11:51 Speaker 05 It's Aqua Baseball, Dad. We splish and splash for a home run, and I looked for you in the sand, and you weren't there.
11:58 Andrew Santino? I'll be there next week, I promise.
11:59 Speaker 05 You always say that. You know, Mom's got a new boyfriend.
12:03 Andrew Santino? You think I don't know that?
12:05 Speaker 05 His name's Dougie, and he comes to our games. He's our new coach.
12:09 Andrew Santino? Really? Does your mom and Dougie ever hang out after the games?
12:14 Speaker 05 Yeah, they take us for ice cream. It's the best.
12:16 Andrew Santino? And then what do you guys do?
12:17 Speaker 05 We go home, we have family dinner, all the stuff that you said you'd do, but you were working.
12:23 Andrew Santino? After family dinner, does Dougie go home?
12:25 Speaker 05 No, he sleeps in the bed upstairs with Mom.
12:28 Andrew Santino? Really? Did you ever hear them building anything late at night?
12:32 Speaker 05 I mean, sure, there's lots of bangs and booms, but that's just normal.
12:35 Andrew Santino? Like fireworks?
12:36 Speaker 05 Dougie says it's called Dougie's Old Thunder Lightning. And it shakes the house. It's awesome, Dad. You should come over sometime and see it.
12:43 Andrew Santino? Maybe I should. Dad's a cuck on Disney. Just me standing in the corner watching them. Go, Doug, go!
12:53 Speaker 05 Cucks are what they call Canadians.
12:55 Andrew Santino? No, cucks are what they call when you you set up your significant other to have sex with someone in front of you.
12:59 Speaker 05 No, the Vancouver hockey team is called the Cucks.
13:02 Andrew Santino? Canucks.
13:03 Speaker 05 Pretty sure it's Cucks.
13:04 Andrew Santino? Vancouver Canucks.
13:06 Speaker 05 Vancouver Cucks.
13:08 Andrew Santino? Okay.
13:08 Speaker 05 Okay.
13:09 Andrew Santino? Cuckucks?
13:10 Speaker 05 Cuckucks.
13:10 Andrew Santino? This is because you're an Oilers fan. Are you really an Edmonton Oilers fan?
13:14 Speaker 05 Well, I mean, sure. We got Connor McDavid. Connor McDavid.
13:17 Andrew Santino? And?
13:18 Speaker 05 Dry Saddle.
13:19 Andrew Santino? And?
13:20 Speaker 05 Uh, uh, McLeod?
13:22 Andrew Santino? Yeah, McLeod, yeah, very good.
13:24 Speaker 05 Um, that's three. You need more?
13:26 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
13:26 Speaker 05 I don't know. What fucking shirt are you wearing? Name the band, name the songs from the band!
13:31 Andrew Santino? This is Uncle Paulie's, uh, deli.
13:33 Speaker 05 Okay, name three sandwiches, you fucking idiot.
13:35 Andrew Santino? The Godfather, the OG, and the Italian.
13:38 Speaker 05 What kind of meat are in those?
13:39 Andrew Santino? Balls.
13:40 Speaker 05 See, he doesn't even fucking know. Yo, oh, I'm a big guy. Wear my sandwich t-shirt. Also, the girls think I'm cool, huh? But I can't name any of the sandwiches. You're so fucking stupid, it's crazy.
13:54 Speaker 05 What's your hat? Malbon? What's that, the cigarettes you smoke? Gotcha there.
13:59 Andrew Santino? Malbon Blues, yeah, this is the smokes I smoke.
14:01 Speaker 05 Malbon Lights?
14:02 Andrew Santino? No, they're heavies.
14:04 Speaker 05 I don't know what Malbon is. It looks like a golf thing because it's written in a rich man's font.
14:08 Andrew Santino? Fault? Got her. Loser, idiot, fuckhead. Sleep on that, dork. That'll keep you up all night.
14:15 Speaker 05 Is that a golf hat?
14:16 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it's a golf company.
14:17 Speaker 05 So you golf, huh?
14:18 Andrew Santino? Love it.
14:19 Speaker 05 You whiz balls?
14:20 Andrew Santino? I be whizzing the balls.
14:22 Speaker 05 Is it okay to celebrate if you hit a really awesome ball? Or is that not golf etiquette?
14:28 Andrew Santino? No, that's golf.
14:29 Speaker 05 I don't know anything about golf.
14:31 Andrew Santino? You wouldn't scream like you did before, but you'd.
14:33 Speaker 05 You wouldn't scream help, help, help?
14:34 Andrew Santino? No, it's not really part of the golf game, but you would do like a.
14:38 Speaker 05 Give me an etiquette quiz, like, here's a situation, you're golfing and blah, blah, blah, blah. What do you do if the person, you know, something like that?
14:45 Andrew Santino? You and I are playing golf, we both hit off the tee and then we walk up to our ball and mine's in front of, mine's beyond yours, longer.
14:51 Speaker 05 But did you go first or did I go first?
14:52 Andrew Santino? It doesn't really matter.
14:53 Speaker 05 Doesn't matter, okay.
14:54 Andrew Santino? Yeah, but if my ball's up there and yours is here, who hits first? The one who's the longer drive or the shorter drive?
15:00 Speaker 05 I'm gonna guess the longer drive because I might doink you in the head or. Yeah, let's stay back here so that I won't doink anyone and then.
15:06 Andrew Santino? So we hit yours first?
15:07 Speaker 05 Yeah.
15:07 Andrew Santino? That's right.
15:07 Speaker 05 Okay. For safety reasons.
15:09 Andrew Santino? We go back to yours, we hit yours first, then we go up to mine.
15:11 Speaker 05 What do you mean back to mine, as if I hit mine?
15:13 Andrew Santino? I'm saying we walk up to yours, we're at yours, you hit, and then we go up to mine.
15:16 Speaker 05 Okay, well, you said go back as if I had actually hit mine the wrong way, which I didn't, because I know how to play.
15:20 Andrew Santino? You do know how to play.
15:21 Speaker 05 You know what I didn't know that I just learned?
15:23 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm.
15:23 Speaker 05 Is that the hole moves?
15:26 Andrew Santino? The hole moves not during the play.
15:28 Speaker 05 I know, but I didn't know that. I thought it was like, this girl on TikTok was like, my boyfriend goes golfing all the time and he said, "The green was really hard today." And she was like, "What do you mean? You play this course every weekend." And he was like, "They move the hole."
15:37 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
15:37 Speaker 05 I had no idea.
15:38 Andrew Santino? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every night, they're a team of little people, LPs, and they come out of the trees. I don't know if you know that, but they have subsidized housing in the trees on golf courses for LPs, and they come out and they move the holes. And that's the best part, they don't communicate with anybody about where it's going or how they do it.
15:57 Speaker 05 But they have to communicate with each other, otherwise there'd be a big war.
16:00 Andrew Santino? Well, yeah, but I don't know what language they speak. I mean, I've never heard them. You'll never see them.
16:04 Speaker 05 You've never stayed up that late?
16:05 Andrew Santino? I've tried, but I fall asleep every fucking time.
16:08 Speaker 05 Not even on golf, Big Golf Eve?
16:11 Andrew Santino? On Big Golf Eve, on BGE, I'm typically tucked in by 11:30. I don't think they come out till 1 or 2.
16:16 Speaker 05 Do you leave a snack out for the little people?
16:18 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
16:19 Speaker 05 What's the kind of traditional snack that they eat?
16:21 Andrew Santino? Well, it's changed over the years because of, you know, the internet has gotten a hold of what they, you know, they've judged what we used to put out there.
16:29 Speaker 05 Okay.
16:30 Andrew Santino? But now, in this current day and age, it's Werther's Originals is what they really like. The little caramel Werther's Originals.
16:37 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
16:37 Andrew Santino? Yeah. I don't know, I think because maybe they're, they just like that. Old school flavor of grandma's house. I think it's got that warm, fuzzy.
16:45 Speaker 05 That's interesting. So you think that Werther's Original tastes like a house?
16:48 Andrew Santino? Yeah, tastes like grandma's house.
16:50 Speaker 05 What part? Like carpet, wall?
16:52 Andrew Santino? My whole, my grandmother's entire home was made of Werther's Originals.
16:56 Speaker 05 You had a candy grandma. Candy grandma.
17:01 Andrew Santino? Little tiny candy grandma.
17:04 Speaker 05 That's beautiful.
17:06 Andrew Santino? Hard legs.
17:07 Speaker 05 Big head.
17:13 Andrew Santino? Okay, so wait, I want to ask you, it's so funny, man. It's so nice to meet you because I really am a fan. What are you doing on Chinese Insider?
17:20 Speaker 05 What the fuck are you doing on Hulu, man? Where, is this a Hulu collab?
17:23 Andrew Santino? What are you doing on Chinese Insider?
17:25 Speaker 05 Yeah, I saw you have a Hulu special coming out. Chinese Insider is on Hulu as well.
17:29 Andrew Santino? What's the name of your show again?
17:30 Speaker 05 Interior Chinatown.
17:32 Andrew Santino? Get a new name.
17:33 Speaker 05 I didn't make it!
17:34 Andrew Santino? It's terrible, honestly.
17:35 Speaker 05 I didn't make it!
17:35 Andrew Santino? Interior Chinatown? Embarrassing on so many levels.
17:39 Speaker 05 It's supposed to be like the heading of a script.
17:41 Andrew Santino? For sure. Half of the people on there aren't even Chinese.
17:43 Speaker 05 Yeah, some of them are, most of them are.
17:45 Andrew Santino? That's awful, dude. That's awful. I'm calling Hulu.
17:48 Speaker 05 Don't, please don't.
17:49 Andrew Santino? No, I'm gonna, I'm getting you off the show.
17:50 Speaker 05 Please don't call them.
17:51 Andrew Santino? Interior Chinatown, uh, is, is on Hulu with some of our good friends Jimmy Oh Yang and Ronnie Chang. Love, love. Chloe Bennett, who is also on Dave with me, love. Sullivan Jones, don't know him. Lisa Gilroy, sucks! Uh, Chow Long, love. Archie Ko, uh, Ko, love. Tsima, love. Diana Lin, love. Annie Chang owes me money. Chris Pang owes Chang money. Spencer Neville and Michael Hardy and, and the rest of people.
18:21 Speaker 05 Spencer Neville?
18:22 Andrew Santino? Uh, Spencer Neville. Neville was Aaron Neville, Aaron Neville, but this is.
18:25 Speaker 05 Neville Longbottom.
18:27 Andrew Santino? Do you like doing this show of, uh, mostly, um, Asians and you?
18:31 Speaker 05 Yeah, I could ask you the same question.
18:34 Andrew Santino? I only do my show with one Asian. You're doing it with a lot.
18:36 Speaker 05 That's fifty percent.
18:38 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
18:39 Speaker 05 So do you consider yourself a minority on that show?
18:43 Speaker 05 Because Bobby's so much funnier and like a bigger personality than you.
18:45 Andrew Santino? Wow. Harmful, harmful, harmful.
18:49 Andrew Santino? Bobby is funny if you like that kinda stuff.
18:52 Speaker 05 Well, you must.
18:53 Andrew Santino? I enjoy it.
18:55 Speaker 05 What's your favorite thing about Bobby?
18:57 Andrew Santino? Uh, I would say making money off of him.
19:00 Speaker 05 Oh, does he know you're doing that?
19:02 Andrew Santino? Mm, mm.
19:04 Speaker 05 Mm, mm, mm.
19:05 Andrew Santino? He does now.
19:06 Speaker 05 Blaster.
19:07 Andrew Santino? He, no, it is really fun. I mean, I wish he was, I wish he was Japanese, but, but Korean isn't bad.
19:14 Speaker 05 Have you been to Japan?
19:15 Andrew Santino? Oh, yeah.
19:16 Speaker 05 Me too.
19:16 Andrew Santino? Where? One, two, three?
19:18 Speaker 05 Tokyo. One, two, three?
19:20 Andrew Santino? Kyoto.
19:21 Speaker 05 One, two, three?
19:22 Andrew Santino? Ishigake. Wait, Ishigake is Okinawa.
19:26 Speaker 05 I didn't know that.
19:26 Andrew Santino? Ishigake is a little island on, in the Okinawan island chains. You didn't go down there. I know you didn't.
19:31 Speaker 05 I went to Okinawa.
19:32 Andrew Santino? No, you didn't.
19:32 Speaker 05 Yeah, I literally did.
19:35 Andrew Santino? One, two, three.
19:37 Speaker 05 Okinawa.
19:38 Andrew Santino? Why?
19:38 Speaker 05 Wait, I actually did, though.
19:40 Andrew Santino? You did go to the Okinawan Islands?
19:41 Speaker 05 Yes, I stayed in a resort. I was, this was like the end of the trip when I was really...
19:44 Andrew Santino? You were filming or fun?
19:46 Speaker 05 Fun, fun.
19:46 Andrew Santino? Fun? Two idiots slip-ups. Make sure we get both of those and loop them.
19:50 Speaker 05 Delete, delete, delete, undo, undo, edit, undo, undo, reverse.
19:54 Andrew Santino? So you went for fun? Did you go with a group of friends? Did you go with family?
19:56 Speaker 05 I just went with my husband.
19:58 Andrew Santino? You just went with your husband?
19:59 Speaker 05 And we stayed at the, at a resort in Okinawa. And why can't I, oh, well, the resort was called Halukulani.
20:07 Andrew Santino? Oh, Halukulani.
20:08 Speaker 05 You ever been there?
20:09 Andrew Santino? Halukulier, more like, sounds like.
20:13 Speaker 05 More like, sounds like, fart?
20:15 Andrew Santino? Don't do the fart stuff on this. This is a family show. I didn't fart.
20:18 Speaker 05 You stuck out your tongue as if you're going to.
20:19 Andrew Santino? No, I have a...
20:20 Speaker 05 Plus, you have farts seeping out of your ass this whole time. It's toxic in here. Help me!
20:25 Andrew Santino? We're gonna have to cut all that stuff. This is a family show.
20:28 Speaker 05 Sorry.
20:28 Andrew Santino? So you and, you and, you and your husband went to Japan, and you were there for how long?
20:32 Speaker 05 Like, twelve days.
20:35 Andrew Santino? That's good. That's a good amount of time. Five in Tokyo, four or so in Kyoto, and then, uh...
20:41 Speaker 05 Yeah, you were our travel agent.
20:43 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
20:43 Speaker 05 You booked the whole thing. You planned it. So yeah, was a good amount of time.
20:46 Andrew Santino? Well, I didn't know if you guys changed the plans. I mean, I just set it up. You don't have to stick to the schedule if you don't want to.
20:50 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah.
20:51 Andrew Santino? Did you go eat at, um, Y- Euro Drinks of Sushi?
20:54 Speaker 05 Of course.
20:54 Andrew Santino? You went to Euros, didn't you?
20:55 Speaker 05 Yeah. Did you?
20:56 Andrew Santino? No, no, no, I'm not a sellout. Um, I went to other places, you fucking American hack.
21:00 Speaker 05 Oh, where'd you go? Tokyo Disney? You fucking loser? Oh, Mickey! You wanna suck your dicky? That's you.
21:07 Andrew Santino? Dude, I did not-
21:08 Speaker 05 Every day you're like that. Every day you're like that.
21:11 Andrew Santino? Big deal!
21:13 Speaker 05 Oh.
21:14 Andrew Santino? Japanese Mickey is my guy, dude. I love Japanese Mickey. Yeah. I'm in a rover with a mini!
21:22 Speaker 05 What?
21:22 Andrew Santino? And I said, "Come here." That's what he says. "I'm in a rover with a mini."
21:25 Speaker 05 What?
21:25 Andrew Santino? That's Japanese Mickey. "I'm in a rover with a mini." Great to see you.
21:30 Speaker 05 No.
21:31 Andrew Santino? Welcome to Disney World.
21:32 Speaker 05 No.
21:33 Andrew Santino? That's what he says. Don't get mad.
21:35 Speaker 05 First of all, the masc- stop.
21:36 Andrew Santino? You're afraid of getting in trouble with Interior China. That's the problem. And let me tell you something, you're gonna get kicked off Interior China after doing this show.
21:42 Speaker 05 Well, the season's already done. It's already over.
21:44 Andrew Santino? You got another one on the way.
21:45 Speaker 05 It's a limited series.
21:46 Andrew Santino? It got picked up.
21:46 Speaker 05 It's a limited series.
21:47 Andrew Santino? Got picked up.
21:47 Speaker 05 It did?
21:48 Andrew Santino? Ronnie Chang called me today.
21:49 Speaker 05 What?
21:49 Andrew Santino? He goes, "Tell Gilroy we got picked up."
21:51 Speaker 05 Really?
21:52 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
21:53 Speaker 05 Um, the mascots don't talk, and you should know that. Okay?
21:57 Andrew Santino? No, cuz I'm not a Disney loser like you. Fucking nerd. Loser nerd idiot dork.
22:05 Speaker 05 You've been to Disney before?
22:06 Andrew Santino? How fat is your husband?
22:07 Speaker 05 How fat's your husband?
22:11 Speaker 05 Skinny as a little mouse.
22:12 Andrew Santino? He's a little skinny mini girl, dude. He's a skinny mini. How long you been married?
22:18 Speaker 05 A long time.
22:19 Andrew Santino? Really?
22:19 Speaker 05 Yeah.
22:21 Andrew Santino? Do you have-
22:21 Speaker 05 How long you been married?
22:21 Andrew Santino? Do you have papitos?
22:22 Speaker 05 You married?
22:23 Andrew Santino? Eight years. Do you have, do you have little papitos?
22:25 Speaker 05 No.
22:25 Andrew Santino? You don't have any?
22:26 Speaker 05 Do you?
22:26 Andrew Santino? No.
22:27 Speaker 05 Do you have pets? What do you, oh, you said that like you're hungry for them. Are you gonna boil one up for Thanksgiving?
22:33 Andrew Santino? She's my little sweetie princess.
22:35 Speaker 05 Who's she? What is she?
22:36 Andrew Santino? What's the song you sing to your dog when you walk in the door?
22:39 Speaker 05 I have a cat.
22:41 Andrew Santino? Well, this show's over.
22:42 Speaker 05 No, it's not.
22:43 Andrew Santino? You have two cats?
22:44 Speaker 05 Show's just getting started, Bobby.
22:45 Andrew Santino? You have two cats?
22:46 Speaker 05 One cat.
22:47 Andrew Santino? You have one? What's it called?
22:48 Speaker 05 Moose.
22:49 Andrew Santino? Oh, I like that.
22:50 Speaker 05 What's your, what's your girl dog?
22:52 Andrew Santino? Her name's Cubby.
22:53 Speaker 03 Cubby.
22:54 Andrew Santino? And you don't sing to your cat?
22:55 Speaker 05 I sing to my cat all the time.
22:56 Andrew Santino? Give me a song.
22:57 Speaker 05 I don't have any like ones with, uh... I don't think I have any ones with lyrics.
23:02 Andrew Santino? Mine is in the vein of, uh, extra, extra. You know, the newsboy thing, you know, extra.
23:07 Speaker 05 Extra, extra.
23:08 Andrew Santino? Read all, yeah.
23:09 Speaker 05 Sure.
23:09 Andrew Santino? Mine is, uh, cubster, pubster, read all about her. She's the best little pup in the world. Those are two kisses she gets.
23:17 Speaker 05 Oh, cute.
23:17 Andrew Santino? Right on her fucking snoozle.
23:19 Speaker 05 So you have to kind of be holding her when you sing the song?
23:21 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I'm always holding her, dude. When I walk in, I'm picking her up and I'm holding her.
23:24 Speaker 05 Did she ever pee on you?
23:25 Andrew Santino? Twice.
23:26 Speaker 05 In your life? Or twice a day?
23:28 Andrew Santino? Twice a day.
23:28 Speaker 05 Oh, okay.
23:29 Andrew Santino? Once in the morning, once at night.
23:30 Speaker 05 I got peed on recently by a dog at a bar. Someone brought their dog and I was like, really excited. I love all of God's creatures. You know, I don't pick between cats and dogs.
23:37 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I don't either. I think they're all great. That's wonderful. I just think, you know, it's easier to sing to a dog because sometimes cats don't want you around.
23:44 Speaker 05 Well...
23:44 Andrew Santino? Dogs always want to be there. They greet you at the door. Cats don't, sometimes they don't care that you're home.
23:49 Speaker 05 Depending on which cat, kind of cat you have. My cat always comes to the door.
23:51 Andrew Santino? What do you have, a Russian blue?
23:53 Speaker 05 No, I have just like a garbage cat.
23:55 Andrew Santino? What's the fancy cat? Somebody told me about it last night.
23:58 Speaker 05 Yeah, that Russian blue sounds very fancy.
23:59 Andrew Santino? That's the fancy one or what's the other one?
24:00 Speaker 05 Mancun.
24:00 Andrew Santino? No, what's the one with like very distinct ears? It always looks like the, the meme of a cat online?
24:05 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about.
24:06 Andrew Santino? You know what I mean?
24:07 Speaker 05 Yeah.
24:07 Andrew Santino? Someone just told me...
24:08 Speaker 05 Does it almost look like a Star Wars?
24:09 Andrew Santino? Yes.
24:10 Speaker 05 Yeah, I don't know what it's called, but yeah.
24:11 Andrew Santino? Someone told me yesterday on the phone, a friend was like, oh, I went to this girl's house and she had that. And I was like, oh, wow, these are like...
24:17 Speaker 05 Why did you say somebody told me this yesterday on the phone? You wanted me to know the conversation didn't happen in person?
24:21 Andrew Santino? Well, because I was about to say who and then I thought, that's not okay. It's not my business to talk about somebody else's name.
24:25 Speaker 05 So you thought it would stop me from asking who your friend was if you said you talked to them on the phone?
24:29 Andrew Santino? Well, I tell you, I can't. Who is it?
24:30 Speaker 03 We got Devon Rex, Bengal.
24:32 Speaker 05 Devon Rex.
24:32 Speaker 03 Devon Rex is the one.
24:33 Andrew Santino? I don't think so.
24:34 Speaker 05 That's the one with the little, short curly hair.
24:35 Andrew Santino? No, no, no, no.
24:36 Speaker 03 British short hair, Maine Coon, Scottish fold.
24:39 Andrew Santino? Scottish fold.
24:40 Speaker 05 Scottish fold, yeah.
24:40 Andrew Santino? That was it?
24:41 Speaker 05 No, my cat kind of looks like a mancoon, but he's just from the garbage. But he's so cute.
24:45 Andrew Santino? You got him on the street?
24:46 Speaker 05 Yeah, and I, I don't have a song for him, but I talk to him like...
24:51 Andrew Santino? Like a minion, almost.
24:52 Speaker 05 Yeah.
24:53 Andrew Santino? Where does Moose come from?
24:55 Speaker 05 Uh, he's a, I think, that's like a...
24:56 Andrew Santino? The name.
24:57 Speaker 05 Well, it's a Canadian animal, one of our national treasures. And he has really long whiskers that look like antlers, so that's kind of a good...
25:05 Andrew Santino? Is your husband a Kanek, Kanek as well?
25:07 Speaker 05 Yeah. Where's Cubby come from?
25:10 Andrew Santino? My buddy's ex-fiance.
25:13 Speaker 05 Uh oh, let's get into it, okay. What happened there? The fans are dying to know. Now, we heard fiance and we heard ex-fiance. So, what's the deal? Break it down. So who cheated on who? She fucked him or he fucked... He fucked somebody's stepdad was in the mix.
25:26 Andrew Santino? She died in a tragic car accident.
25:32 Andrew Santino? On the day of the wedding. She died in a tragic car accident on the day of the wedding.
25:39 Speaker 05 I'm so sorry.
25:40 Andrew Santino? That's okay. Wasn't mine.
25:42 Speaker 05 The baby?
25:54 Speaker 05 So where did the name Cubby come from?
25:57 Andrew Santino? I'm from Chicago.
25:58 Speaker 05 Oh, awesome.
25:59 Andrew Santino? Chicago Cubs.
26:00 Speaker 01 In here, we pour whiskey.
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29:06 Andrew Santino? Uh, my buddy's uh, ex was getting furniture made in downtown Los Angeles. She went to the furniture maker and the gentleman said, "Hey, this dog came in and had puppies. I don't want these fucking things."
29:15 Speaker 05 Came into the furniture store.
29:16 Andrew Santino? Came into the, to the warehouse.
29:18 Speaker 05 Ding, ding, ding, ding.
29:19 Andrew Santino? It came in to give birth, uh, because it was, it was cold. And so it gave birth inside the furniture maker's like where? Studio. And then it left the puppies. And usually that means... She's on the run from the law.
29:32 Speaker 05 Uh, is that what that means?
29:33 Andrew Santino? Yeah, when dogs, when mother dogs leave their puppies, they're on the run from the law.
29:35 Speaker 05 Mother dog.
29:36 Andrew Santino? When mother dogs. So she left all these dogs and the guy says, I don't want these fucking dogs. And she said she's a warm-hearted, beautiful individual and she took a, she's like, well, I can ha- try to house these for you. I'll find. And she grabbed one and put them up on Instagram and was like, does anybody want these goddamn donks? They're downtown in this thing and I don't want them to die down there. And I was working a job and I saw it online and I thought, oh my fucking god. And I called my lady, I said, we got a dog coming over to the house just to say hello.
30:06 Speaker 05 Just to say hello, nothing wrong with that.
30:07 Andrew Santino? Nothing wrong with that.
30:08 Speaker 05 Just to visit.
30:09 Andrew Santino? And then, of course, I was the one that was like, we don't have to keep, we'll just, let's talk about it. Let's not commit to it tonight. Let's just talk. And then I got there and then she never left. And I was like, we gotta keep this dog. It was such a cutesy pootsy. She was so tiny and she had, she had, um, worms.
30:27 Speaker 05 Wait, your girlfriend or the dog?
30:29 Andrew Santino? Both.
30:29 Speaker 05 Oh, god. I had worm ones.
30:31 Andrew Santino? What came, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Who do you think, who do you think gave her the worms?
30:35 Speaker 05 So true.
30:36 Andrew Santino? Sad. She had worms and she was pooping out worms and I thought she, um, ate a wire. Because the worms look like a computer wire, like it looks like a Cat 5 wire and I was like, oh my god, she fucking chewed through a wire in the office. And then went in the office, I was looking at all the wires, there's no wires. And then I looked behind the TV and there's just worms all over the place. Everywhere. So dinner was served.
30:56 Speaker 05 So your TV was made of worms?
30:57 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
30:58 Speaker 05 What, whoa, that's actually crazy.
31:00 Andrew Santino? Yeah, worm TV.
31:01 Speaker 05 So how was the TV turning on?
31:03 Andrew Santino? Nah, you don't need to watch it, you just need to imagine, use your brain.
31:06 Speaker 05 Oh, so you've never turned your TV on?
31:07 Andrew Santino? Never, ever, never watched TV. That's what I told you before the show, I've never seen an episode of Friends. No interest.
31:11 Speaker 05 Too scary, it would feel too real?
31:13 Andrew Santino? Too many, too many whites, too many whites. We'll be right back with Too Many Whites. That was Seinfeld's original theme song and they got rid of it.
31:23 Speaker 05 Oh, Too Many Whites, ah, Too Many Whites, ah. Rachel, Phoebe, Joey.
31:29 Andrew Santino? Kramer and George and Elaine. It was a combo show. Do you like Jerry Seinfeld or no?
31:34 Speaker 05 Like a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut? Like a combo show?
31:38 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it was a combo show.
31:39 Speaker 05 McDonald's, McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut.
31:43 Andrew Santino? McDonald's, Mc- wait, it's Taco Bell and KFC, isn't that right?
31:47 Speaker 05 Sure. I don't go to that one as often.
31:50 Andrew Santino? You don't eat fast food?
31:51 Speaker 05 Sometimes, actually a lot. I probably have McDonald's like once a week.
31:54 Andrew Santino? Are you under-
31:55 Speaker 05 Bad gal, bad gal ree-ree.
31:57 Andrew Santino? Are you under thirty?
31:59 Speaker 05 No.
31:59 Andrew Santino? Wow, and you can eat fast food that often and be fine?
32:03 Speaker 05 Yep!
32:04 Andrew Santino? Someone's got good genes.
32:06 Speaker 05 Thanks.
32:06 Andrew Santino? Not those, those are shit.
32:09 Speaker 05 Um, when you were growing up and you had fast food, what was it?
32:13 Andrew Santino? Uh, it was just whatever my, you know, whatever my dad could get from the chow line. We were on government cheese.
32:18 Speaker 05 Did you have an angry dad?
32:20 Andrew Santino? Uh, no. My father was in prison when I was a kid.
32:22 Speaker 05 Is that true?
32:23 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm.
32:24 Speaker 05 Did you-
32:24 Andrew Santino? I had a stepdad who was a great, who raised me.
32:26 Speaker 05 Oh, did you get to do telephone talk with your dad?
32:28 Andrew Santino? I did, yeah.
32:29 Speaker 05 That's awesome. I've always wanted to do that.
32:31 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that was awesome.
32:32 Speaker 05 That sounds so fun.
32:32 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it was a cool point in my life.
32:33 Speaker 05 Was it really?
32:34 Andrew Santino? Yeah, taking phone calls from prison.
32:35 Speaker 05 Seems so fun.
32:35 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it really was happy.
32:36 Speaker 05 Yeah.
32:37 Andrew Santino? Yeah, when he never showed up.
32:38 Speaker 05 That's awesome, because I would've thought it would be sad, but I'm glad that it was fun.
32:40 Andrew Santino? I was stoked.
32:41 Speaker 05 Yeah, oh, that's cool, because you get to like ride all the way there.
32:43 Andrew Santino? Yeah, what did your dad do? He picked you up from school? My dad's gonna call me from prison in an hour and a half.
32:47 Speaker 05 Jealous.
32:47 Andrew Santino? Yeah, huge.
32:48 Speaker 05 Yeah.
32:48 Andrew Santino? Huge W for the boy.
32:49 Speaker 05 That's so cool.
32:50 Andrew Santino? Yeah, cried every night. Cried every night, still do. He would call me, and I think I've told this story before, but it was funny. He would call and my mother sometimes wouldn't accept the collect call.
33:00 Speaker 05 Yeah.
33:00 Andrew Santino? So he would leave what he wanted to say in the time where you're supposed to say your name.
33:03 Speaker 05 At a baby, it's a boy.
33:04 Andrew Santino? At a baby, it's a boy.
33:05 Speaker 05 You ever seen that commercial?
33:06 Andrew Santino? Mm-mm.
33:07 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, tell him it's Bob, at a baby, it's a boy.
33:10 Andrew Santino? Oh, I never, what was that from?
33:11 Speaker 05 Maybe it was a Canadian commercial. It was a big, popular commercial for like a phone provider.
33:14 Andrew Santino? No, it sounds familiar.
33:16 Speaker 05 It's like, uh, please say your name, Bob, at a baby, it's a boy. And they go, it's Bob, they had a baby, it's a boy!
33:21 Andrew Santino? Because he didn't want to pay for a collect call.
33:22 Speaker 05 Exactly.
33:23 Andrew Santino? But my, it used to go, this is a collect call from Cook County Prison, inmate four, three, nine, seven, two- And then you would leave your name and go, it's so and so. But instead, because he knew he'd get rejected.
33:37 Speaker 05 Yeah.
33:38 Andrew Santino? He'd be like, hey, what's up? What's me? I just want to tell you that I love you. I'll talk to you soon.
33:41 Speaker 05 Oh, that's nice. And that's all you really need to say in a phone call.
33:44 Andrew Santino? Yeah, yeah. And my mom was like, not taking colored calls from that guy.
33:48 Speaker 05 But would she pass along the message or you would hear?
33:49 Andrew Santino? I would hear it. I've heard it before. Yeah, multiple times. But he fixed his life. He got his life together.
33:55 Speaker 05 That's great.
33:55 Andrew Santino? He's good. Yeah, he leveled out.
33:57 Speaker 05 Does he golf?
33:58 Andrew Santino? He does. He actually does.
34:00 Speaker 05 Did you ever read the book Bad Golf My Way by Leslie Nielsen?
34:03 Andrew Santino? No, but I love that guy.
34:04 Speaker 05 Hilarious coffee table book.
34:06 Andrew Santino? Bad Golf My Way?
34:07 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
34:08 Andrew Santino? I love Leslie Nielsen, man. Him, he's one of those guys from those days of like real, um, uh, try, try anything comedy. I wish we made movies like that a little bit more. Why don't we do that? Why don't we do try anything comedy? Why don't, why don't, why isn't there? Why isn't that?
34:26 Speaker 05 Why, why isn't that?
34:27 Andrew Santino? Why isn't that anymore?
34:29 Speaker 05 I know.
34:29 Andrew Santino? You know why? Everybody wants to be on Marvel.
34:33 Speaker 05 Is that what it is?
34:34 Andrew Santino? Every movie gotta be a superhero IP.
34:38 Speaker 05 Okay. Well, what's a superhero that hasn't had a movie yet? Maybe we can do that and we can make it into a Bad Golf My Way kind of movie.
34:44 Andrew Santino? The problem is, a lot of the superheroes that haven't made it yet are ones that aren't socially acceptable anymore. Just, you know. Their actions.
34:56 Speaker 05 What are they, what's their superpower?
34:57 Andrew Santino? You know the gropey pope? You never, have you heard, you know that guy?
35:00 Speaker 05 Oh, gropey poperson.
35:01 Andrew Santino? Yeah, and he would go around, he's like, come here.
35:04 Speaker 05 Yeah, but he could fly, which was cool.
35:06 Andrew Santino? That was kind of cool. It was just his, you know.
35:09 Speaker 05 He'd say, I'll take your tits to the moon! And he'd grab you and then he'd blast off.
35:13 Andrew Santino? Gropey poperson. Um, the superpower was that he could move, move, uh, parishes without anybody knowing.
35:20 Speaker 05 Oh.
35:20 Andrew Santino? The gropey poperson.
35:23 Speaker 05 I don't remember him.
35:27 Speaker 05 What about the Powerpuff Girls? Are those Marvel?
35:30 Andrew Santino? No, idiot. You can't reach that far. You can lean forward. You can move away from the mic for a second to put it down.
35:36 Speaker 05 No, I need this.
35:39 Andrew Santino? Chug, chug, chug, chug.
35:40 Speaker 05 It's too cold. I don't like cold water. Yeah, both.
35:44 Andrew Santino? What are your favorite drugs?
35:46 Speaker 05 Well, I'm not really allowed to say.
35:48 Andrew Santino? Why?
35:49 Speaker 05 Because I'm not a-
35:50 Andrew Santino? Because I'm a network girl now. I don't want to cross the line.
35:52 Speaker 05 I'm not a network girl.
35:53 Andrew Santino? You're a Disney kid.
35:54 Speaker 05 I'm a Disney kid.
35:55 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
35:56 Speaker 05 You're watching Treehouse. Is that a Canadian network or American?
35:59 Andrew Santino? That's gotta be you guys. I don't know what the fuck that is. Well, you're not allowed to say what drugs you use in the fear of someone will get mad at you for using drugs?
36:06 Speaker 05 Yes.
36:07 Andrew Santino? Loser.
36:09 Speaker 05 But guess who I'm worried about?
36:12 Andrew Santino? Disney?
36:13 Speaker 05 The government of the United States, because I'm not a citizen yet. So my lawyer told me that I can't be like flapping my gabber about all the drugs that I fucking suckin' and jacked and snortin' gobble.
36:23 Andrew Santino? All those jaggin' and snortin' and fucking and suckin' drugs, you can't say anything about them?
36:27 Speaker 05 Exactly.
36:27 Andrew Santino? No, we have the freedom of speech here. You're allowed to say whatever you want in this country.
36:30 Speaker 05 No, because it could hurt my immigration-
36:33 Andrew Santino? In our country, our prime minister doesn't get in blackface and deny it years later. He owns it.
36:37 Speaker 05 So you agree you have a prime minister?
36:39 Andrew Santino? We do. We have two of them. Michelle and Barack.
36:44 Speaker 05 Obama.
36:45 Andrew Santino? No, they're both Obamas.
36:46 Speaker 05 Michelle and Obama.
36:47 Andrew Santino? No, no, no, that's rude. That's rude to Michelle Obama.
36:49 Speaker 05 Do you know what Obama's nickname was when he was just a little kid?
36:51 Andrew Santino? Big Dog.
36:52 Speaker 05 Barry.
36:53 Andrew Santino? The Big B.
36:54 Speaker 05 Barry, isn't that cute?
36:55 Andrew Santino? Barry.
36:56 Speaker 05 Barry.
36:57 Andrew Santino? There go Barry. Hey Barry! How funny a little kid is like, "I'm gonna be president one day." It's like, "Okay Barry."
37:03 Speaker 05 Okay Barry.
37:03 Andrew Santino? Back inside.
37:05 Speaker 05 Aw, wouldn't it be cute if it was Barry, like B-E-R-R-Y? And you're like, "Strawberry."
37:09 Andrew Santino? Like a little tiny berry.
37:10 Speaker 05 Brambleberry.
37:11 Andrew Santino? Mushrooms?
37:13 Speaker 05 Uh, I haven't dabbled too Supreme Oasis.
37:16 Andrew Santino? Have you ever tried acid?
37:18 Speaker 05 No.
37:19 Andrew Santino? Coke?
37:20 Speaker 05 No.
37:21 Andrew Santino? Crack? Heroin? Fentanyl? Smack, jack, chug.
37:27 Speaker 05 I'll smack you one.
37:28 Andrew Santino? Pull.
37:28 Speaker 05 Smack, jack, chug, pull.
37:30 Andrew Santino? Chug, snug. You ever had snug?
37:32 Speaker 05 Freak?
37:33 Andrew Santino? Oh, you ever had some freak? Some spank bang freak?
37:36 Speaker 05 Have you ever had brain spank? It's the craziest drug.
37:38 Andrew Santino? What is that?
37:39 Speaker 05 You've literally never had. You do it like an eye drop, but it comes out your mouth. And then you turn, you turn like poop fart, but not in, not in a gross way.
37:48 Andrew Santino? In a cool way?
37:49 Speaker 05 Yeah.
37:50 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
37:50 Speaker 05 Your skin turns to fart and your blood turns to poop.
37:53 Andrew Santino? Get out of town.
37:54 Speaker 05 That's what you feel like is happening, but to everyone else, you, you look normal.
37:57 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm.
37:57 Speaker 05 And you're acting normal and you can go to work. It's awesome.
38:00 Andrew Santino? Any work?
38:01 Speaker 05 Yeah, like, and, and seriously, any work. You can, you look at, so you, you take it. And then you look at whoever you want and whoever, whatever their job is, you're able to do it.
38:09 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
38:10 Speaker 05 So I always go to the courthouse and I take it and I look at a lawyer. And then I do, I do a day of law.
38:16 Andrew Santino? One full day of law?
38:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, I go like, "Your honor, my client," like stuff like that.
38:21 Andrew Santino? And what else?
38:22 Speaker 05 I'll do, "Objection, your honor."
38:24 Andrew Santino? Ooh, what other, what other bits?
38:26 Speaker 05 "Objection, your honor, relevance." I'll do that. I'll tack that on sometimes. "Relevance."
38:29 Andrew Santino? Relevance?
38:30 Speaker 05 Yeah.
38:30 Andrew Santino? Yeah, or?
38:32 Speaker 05 Or, "Sustained." I'll sustain my own objection.
38:34 Andrew Santino? A lot of stuff.
38:35 Speaker 05 Yeah.
38:35 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
38:35 Speaker 05 Even though I'm not the judge, I'll, I'll tack that on. "Objection, your honor, relevance sustained." I'll do that, kind of as a sentence.
38:41 Andrew Santino? Give them both sides, but, yeah, to show them that you're kind of multi-versed.
38:44 Speaker 05 What kind of job would you like to do if you weren't a comedian?
38:46 Andrew Santino? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
38:51 Speaker 05 Oh, your phone's ringing.
38:52 Andrew Santino? A phone. No, I want to be a phone. If I could be anything, I'd be a phone.
38:55 Speaker 05 Oh.
38:56 Andrew Santino? I'd love to be a phone.
38:57 Speaker 05 Why? Someone would finally boop ya?
39:00 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I'd like to be boop.
39:01 Speaker 05 Boop, boop.
39:03 Andrew Santino? Hit my belly. What would I be if I wasn't a me? What would I be if I wasn't a me?
39:09 Speaker 05 What would you do if you wasn't a you?
39:10 Andrew Santino? I'd probably want a franchise, um, I'd be a franchise owner of restaurants.
39:14 Speaker 05 Oh. What kind of restaurant?
39:18 Andrew Santino? Red Robin.
39:20 Speaker 05 Red Lobster.
39:22 Andrew Santino? No, Red Robin.
39:23 Speaker 05 Red Lobster.
39:29 Andrew Santino? The Red Lobster CEO says they're gonna increase sales by giving away Cheddar Bay biscuits when you sit down.
39:36 Speaker 05 Cheddar Bay biscuits?
39:37 Andrew Santino? What do you think about this move?
39:38 Speaker 05 Cheddar ain't cheap.
39:39 Andrew Santino? Don't tell that to the judge. Sustained. Isn't that true? What did it say? The new CEO of Red Lobster, I read, said that he's gonna, because I guess they're
39:50 Speaker 05 tanking.
39:51 Andrew Santino? And he's gonna revitalize the company.
39:53 Speaker 05 They're tanking?
39:54 Andrew Santino? They're tanking. They're caged right now. Let them out. Let that company swim.
39:59 Speaker 05 They're sinking.
40:00 Andrew Santino? They're sunk. And I think they're gonna give away Cheddar Bay biscuits for free as you sit down. That's a big deal, is it not? That's a huge thing.
40:07 Speaker 05 That's kinda, that's kinda jacking, uh...
40:09 Andrew Santino? That's like McDonald's giving away their fry- Oh, the, yeah, I know.
40:12 Speaker 05 But Olive Garden's just giving away what? Flour and water? That's nowhere near the close-
40:17 Andrew Santino? Biscuits are flour and water as well.
40:18 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, what I'm saying, cheddar? Do you know how expensive cheddar is? It's fifty dollars a block.
40:22 Andrew Santino? Sounds like a real fucking Canadian over here.
40:24 Speaker 05 What? Cheddar cheap in America?
40:25 Andrew Santino? Yeah, dude, it's free, it's everywhere.
40:27 Speaker 05 Oh, I didn't know it was free.
40:28 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it grows on trees, goon. You don't have cheddar trees up there?
40:31 Speaker 05 No.
40:32 Andrew Santino? You don't have any cheddar trees?
40:33 Speaker 05 Is that what they called you in high school? Cheddar tree?
40:39 Speaker 05 This fucking loser.
40:42 Andrew Santino? Nobody called you anything in high school because you weren't smart enough to go through with it. You got kicked out as a freshman, I heard.
40:53 Andrew Santino? No, you don't get to eat the match- No, don't fart it out, that's nuts.
40:57 Speaker 05 It's a boys' club and I'm living in it.
40:59 Andrew Santino? Did you get, did you go to college?
41:01 Speaker 05 Yeah.
41:02 Andrew Santino? Where?
41:02 Speaker 05 University of Alberta.
41:04 Andrew Santino? You went to Albe?
41:05 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm.
41:05 Andrew Santino? Wow. What'd you graduate with? Don't say performance art.
41:09 Speaker 05 Well, I got two degrees.
41:11 Andrew Santino? What were they?
41:13 Speaker 05 Uh, well, a bachelor of education.
41:16 Andrew Santino? Sexist, go ahead.
41:18 Speaker 05 Sexist.
41:18 Andrew Santino? Bachelor. Can't it be a bachelorette of education?
41:20 Speaker 05 Oh, totally.
41:21 Andrew Santino? Why does it have to be a fucking bachelor?
41:22 Speaker 05 I thought you were saying bachelor of education is sexist because all girls are teachers.
41:25 Andrew Santino? Fact, fact, fact, fact, fact, fact, fact. Put them up! Where you been?
41:30 Speaker 05 The podcast studio.
41:31 Andrew Santino? Okay, alright, we'll see about that. Uh, bachelor of education and what else?
41:35 Speaker 05 Bachelor of arts.
41:36 Andrew Santino? Man, you would have been a fucking great teacher.
41:38 Speaker 05 I was a teacher for a little...
41:39 Andrew Santino? Cause you never fucking shut the fuck up.
41:41 Speaker 05 Is that what makes a good teacher?
41:42 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that they're always, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
41:45 Speaker 05 Have you ever been to school a day in your life?
41:46 Andrew Santino? I've never been to school.
41:47 Speaker 05 Yeah.
41:47 Andrew Santino? I got kicked out when I was a kid.
41:49 Speaker 05 You got kicked out?
41:50 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
41:50 Speaker 05 For being what?
41:52 Andrew Santino? I brought a gun to school and everybody freaked out.
41:54 Speaker 05 Is that true?
41:55 Andrew Santino? Yeah, but it was before the shootings. This is like pre all that stuff.
41:59 Speaker 05 Interesting.
42:00 Andrew Santino? It was show and tell.
42:02 Speaker 05 Are you, are you being serious?
42:03 Andrew Santino? Didn't have to tell them much after I showed them. What the fuck?
42:06 Speaker 05 I mean, I don't know.
42:07 Andrew Santino? No, what if you, no, yes.
42:09 Speaker 05 I mean, a lot of Americans have guns in their homes.
42:12 Andrew Santino? Yeah, they do.
42:12 Speaker 05 And it's not, wouldn't be the first time a child's ever brought a gun.
42:14 Andrew Santino? So do Canadians. Don't make it sound like you guys don't have guns. You guys have a lot of guns. You're not Australia.
42:18 Speaker 05 But the thing about Canada is our guns are so big, you can't, um, you can't have them be a secret. They're like novelty sized guns.
42:24 Andrew Santino? Our guns are bigger than your guns. It's not a competition.
42:26 Speaker 05 There's no gun in, this is, and you can fact check this, there's no gun in Canada that's smaller than five feet long. So that's why you can't sneak it into a concert, you can't do anything bad with it, cause everyone will see that you have it. They're, I'm not kidding, they're between five and 12 feet.
42:39 Andrew Santino? A five foot gun?
42:41 Speaker 05 Yeah, that's how we keep it safe there.
42:43 Andrew Santino? It's impossible.
42:44 Speaker 05 So you can still hunt with it?
42:45 Andrew Santino? No one has five feet guns.
42:46 Speaker 05 Yeah, they do, everyone in Canada.
42:47 Andrew Santino? Everyone in Canada has a five foot gun?
42:49 Speaker 05 Try sneaking that in a purse, you can't.
42:50 Andrew Santino? Yes, you can, but if, well, what if you're on your buddy's shoulders and you have a trench coat, you can put it right in there.
42:54 Speaker 05 Yeah, but someone will immediately go, that guy's too tall, he must have a gun.
42:57 Andrew Santino? Oh, too tall? That's a little fucking discriminatory.
42:59 Speaker 05 How tall are you?
43:00 Andrew Santino? Six eight.
43:00 Speaker 05 No, you're not.
43:01 Andrew Santino? Yes, I am.
43:04 Speaker 05 How tall do you think I am?
43:06 Andrew Santino? Six-six?
43:09 Andrew Santino? I'm only a little bit taller than you.
43:10 Speaker 05 Yeah, only a little bit.
43:12 Andrew Santino? Uh, you're six-six, I'm six-eight.
43:13 Speaker 05 Okay. Agree.
43:15 Andrew Santino? You're Jordan, I'm LeBron.
43:16 Speaker 05 Isn't it so touching? That those guys would play together, father and son? Bronny and daddy?
43:22 Andrew Santino? Interesting argument. I don't know.
43:24 Speaker 05 I think it's the most touching thing I've ever heard of.
43:27 Andrew Santino? Of all time?
43:29 Speaker 05 It's up there.
43:30 Andrew Santino? Well, Tom Brady played with his son.
43:32 Speaker 05 Who gives a fuck?
43:33 Andrew Santino? Brad Brady?
43:35 Speaker 05 Is that true?
43:35 Andrew Santino? No.
43:36 Speaker 05 I don't know anything about football.
43:37 Andrew Santino? His kids are still young. Um, it was, it, it's a, I think it's a nice moment in sports.
43:42 Speaker 05 Imagine one day you get to podcast with your son?
43:45 Andrew Santino? Never gonna have a kid, so, never.
43:47 Speaker 05 You don't know that?
43:48 Andrew Santino? I do.
43:48 Speaker 05 No you don't.
43:49 Andrew Santino? I do, I cut my penis off a couple years ago.
43:51 Speaker 05 There's other ways to have it, even if your penis is cut off, sometimes blood and goo can cut, come out from there, and get on the bed sheets, and if someone sits down, they can get pregnant.
43:59 Andrew Santino? I cauterized it. I cauterized the wound, nothing's coming out of there.
44:04 Andrew Santino? I put a fucking iron to it. I sliced it and then I went
44:07 Speaker 05 Where does your pee go?
44:08 Andrew Santino? I said, "This is what you did to me, dad!"
44:10 Speaker 05 Oh.
44:11 Andrew Santino? That was the last time we all had Christmas together.
44:14 Speaker 05 Where does your pee come out?
44:16 Andrew Santino? My butt.
44:18 Speaker 05 Does it mix in with other stuff?
44:19 Andrew Santino? Uh-oh!
44:20 Speaker 05 What?
44:21 Andrew Santino? Don't give away my secrets.
44:22 Speaker 05 Okay, sorry.
44:23 Andrew Santino? That's my family recipe.
44:24 Speaker 05 Okay.
44:26 Speaker 05 Are you gonna make anything for Thanksgiving?
44:28 Andrew Santino? Uh, yeah, we don't do turkey, cuz I don't believe in it.
44:31 Speaker 05 What do you believe in?
44:33 Andrew Santino? We do a prime rib roast.
44:34 Speaker 05 Okay.
44:35 Andrew Santino? For the crew, he's coming over to the crib. We do prime rib, we do some of the fixins, but we don't do, I don't like turkey. Turkey's fucking dogshit. It's trash. Turkey is trash.
44:46 Speaker 05 You think it tastes gross?
44:47 Andrew Santino? It's, it's a waste. It's a dry meat that takes too long to cook.
44:50 Speaker 05 That's so true.
44:51 Andrew Santino? And what's the, and what's the, I don't even know what the benefit was. This isn't even a, they're like, "Oh, you have to over-flavor it and then stuff it with bread to make it good." No thanks, I'll just get a good piece of meat, and then the fixins are the same. So I like the green bean casserole, check. The glazed carrots, check, love. Hawaiian rolls, let's go. Gravy? Bring it on!
45:14 Speaker 05 Okay, remember everything you just said.
45:16 Andrew Santino? Uh huh.
45:18 Speaker 05 And repeat the tagline after. Green bean casserole.
45:22 Andrew Santino? Check.
45:23 Speaker 05 Gravy.
45:24 Andrew Santino? Bring it on.
45:26 Speaker 05 Casserole.
45:26 Andrew Santino? Let's go.
45:28 Speaker 05 That's fun.
45:28 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that is fun. That is fun. You don't know, I don't like turkey. No one, and it's also, it's the, it's the weakest of the meats.
45:35 Speaker 05 Turkey is the weakest of the meats.
45:37 Andrew Santino? And I think he can Google.
45:38 Speaker 05 Turkey is the weakest of the meats.
45:40 Andrew Santino? The reason that was a Meisner technique.
45:42 Speaker 05 Yeah.
45:42 Andrew Santino? Turkey is the weakest of the meats.
45:43 Speaker 05 Turkey is the weakest of the meats.
45:46 Andrew Santino? Thou shall not dost thou.
45:48 Speaker 05 I would say it's my least favorite meat too, but I guess we've all been duped into thinking it's the thing we're supposed to have.
45:53 Andrew Santino? But as a Canuck, you didn't grow up having Thanksgiving, did you?
45:56 Speaker 05 Well, we have Canadian Thanksgiving and it already happened months ago and no one cared.
45:59 Andrew Santino? Yeah, fact.
46:00 Speaker 05 Some people slept right through it.
46:01 Andrew Santino? I think the reason that we did turkey seriously was because the, this was a government intervention of a dying industry, so they wanted to,
46:11 Andrew Santino? utilize this, this, this fairy tale story of turkey.
46:15 Speaker 05 Whoa, your quotations were so weird. Why do you do it like that?
46:19 Andrew Santino? This fairy tale story.
46:20 Speaker 05 We're supposed to go up and down.
46:21 Andrew Santino? No, this is up and down.
46:22 Speaker 05 Put one up and then put it down.
46:23 Andrew Santino? My fingers can't go all the way up.
46:24 Speaker 05 Up and down.
46:25 Andrew Santino? My fingers can't go all the way up.
46:26 Speaker 05 This is so gross and weird. Don't do that. Sick. Stop that. Yuck.
46:30 Andrew Santino? What is it?
46:31 Speaker 03 It says it's mainly just because it's, it's cheaper for more meat.
46:34 Andrew Santino? Cheaper for more meat.
46:35 Speaker 03 So more people can afford it.
46:36 Andrew Santino? The rumor was that the government got involved and they were like, oh, there's, there's an excess of turkeys and they were trying to help the market and so.
46:42 Speaker 05 Well, they went out and ate rats. Rats are everywhere.
46:44 Andrew Santino? Harder, harder to cultivate.
46:46 Speaker 05 No.
46:47 Andrew Santino? Way harder to, I used to own a fucking rat farm. What are you saying? No. Don't know me. I had a rat farm from oh six to oh nine. You know how hard this was to keep them contained? They got out.
46:56 Speaker 05 Where'd they go?
46:56 Andrew Santino? Just got out. They went to New York.
46:58 Speaker 05 Oh.
47:00 Speaker 05 Well.
47:01 Andrew Santino? Feivel goes east.
47:02 Speaker 05 Would you eat a rat if it was so supremely clean and wonderful?
47:06 Andrew Santino? Of course. If it was delicious, I'd eat anything. I'd eat humans if they fucking did it, right?
47:10 Speaker 05 What do you mean if it's delicious? You don't know if a rat's delicious or not. You're gonna have to try it then.
47:14 Andrew Santino? Yeah, but get me a good chef that can cook it right and I'll try it. No one's trying it. Everyone's scared. Same thing with humans. Nobody wants to cook people. Cook them. Why are we just throwing them in the ground? Cook them.
47:24 Speaker 05 What a waste.
47:25 Andrew Santino? Cook them.
47:25 Speaker 05 Cook them.
47:26 Andrew Santino? Cook them up.
47:27 Speaker 05 Yeah, but no, we don't want.
47:28 Andrew Santino? Aunt Betty's gone. Serve her at her funeral.
47:30 Speaker 05 That's too old.
47:31 Andrew Santino? Delicious.
47:32 Speaker 05 I don't want that. I don't want Aunt Betty. I want Little Betty.
47:34 Andrew Santino? If they die young, if they die young.
47:35 Speaker 05 Yeah.
47:36 Andrew Santino? I was born to die young. Eat me. That's what your lawyer's like, what did he want? The distribution of his wealth will go to his wife and his family, and he wants you all to eat him.
47:47 Speaker 05 Eat me.
47:48 Andrew Santino? Eat me.
47:49 Speaker 05 Eat me. Well, I was having a conversation with friends the other day where someone was like, "Something, something, something, would you try human?" And I was the only one that was like, "Yes." And I, I don't think it's like, there was a guy on YouTube who got a doctor to take a, a doink of his muscle leg out of his muscle?
48:04 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
48:04 Speaker 05 Leg, and put it in a frying pan and fry and cook it, and he ate it. And it was his own muscle leg. It was his own calf.
48:09 Andrew Santino? That seems weird.
48:10 Speaker 05 Okay.
48:11 Andrew Santino? Eat your own seems weird.
48:12 Speaker 05 Well, you have to eat your own because no one's gonna let you eat theirs.
48:15 Andrew Santino? Oh, if you steal a body and you go, go.
48:17 Speaker 05 That's dead already, Andrew. That's gonna make you sick. You don't like bellyache, do you?
48:21 Andrew Santino? I do, actually.
48:22 Speaker 05 Oh.
48:23 Andrew Santino? I'm on a diet, so I like to clear out as often as possible. So eat your own leg.
48:27 Speaker 05 Yeah, but, so I'm saying, okay, if I-
48:29 Andrew Santino? But I'm all white meat. I'd rather have dark meat.
48:31 Speaker 05 If I gave you a chunk of my leg and we fried it up and I was like, it's only, let's say, half an ounce, but it's a mouthful. Would you try it?
48:38 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
48:39 Speaker 05 I would too.
48:40 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I'd wanna try it. I mean, because-
48:41 Speaker 05 But why do people think that's so-
48:43 Andrew Santino? Well, I imagine your leg would taste good because you eat a lot of fast food, so there's a lot of fat content. There's a lot of cholesterol and fat-
48:48 Speaker 05 And the salt from french fries lives forever. And it goes everywhere.
48:51 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm. That's what they say. Lives in your, in your central nervous system, all that salt.
48:55 Speaker 05 Does it really?
48:56 Andrew Santino? Yeah. That's why you said your jittery from the coffee. That's the salt. Jumping around in your bones.
49:01 Speaker 05 Yeah.
49:01 Andrew Santino? Do you wanna be buried? Or do you wanna be cremated?
49:03 Speaker 05 Cremated.
49:04 Andrew Santino? For sure. Yeah, I'd love to watch that. Yeah, I think being buried is strange.
49:08 Speaker 05 Well, what are you gonna do? Cream?
49:10 Andrew Santino? No.
49:11 Speaker 05 Cream supreme?
49:12 Andrew Santino? Cream supreme at Taco Bell. This month at Taco Bell, get some cream supreme on your burrito.
49:18 Speaker 05 Smoked for flavor.
49:19 Andrew Santino? You wanna sentino cream supreme?
49:20 Speaker 05 Cream.
49:21 Andrew Santino? I wanna be, um, I wanna be put out a boat. I'll put on a boat.
49:24 Speaker 05 Oh, you want the Viking big flamer?
49:26 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm. Light me up on a boat, out to sea.
49:29 Speaker 05 Okay.
49:30 Andrew Santino? Do you know the phrase, um, uh- Uh.
49:35 Speaker 05 Live, laugh, love?
49:36 Andrew Santino? Uh, yes.
49:37 Speaker 05 Yeah, I've heard of it.
49:38 Andrew Santino? It's written on every wall in my house.
49:39 Speaker 05 I know, I've seen it's around the studio too.
49:40 Andrew Santino? Yeah. You know the phrase, uh, arrr, that a pi- you know how pirates go, arrr?
49:45 Speaker 05 Yeah.
49:46 Andrew Santino? Do you know why they do that?
49:48 Speaker 05 Ooh.
49:49 Andrew Santino? It's crazy, I just learned this, why, arrr?
49:50 Speaker 05 Is it real?
49:51 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
49:52 Speaker 05 Well, do you know what a favorite, a pirate's favorite letter is?
49:57 Andrew Santino? X. They're all on Twitter now, these pirates.
50:01 Speaker 05 No, try again.
50:03 Andrew Santino? I don't know, what is it?
50:04 Speaker 05 Say, r. Oh, you'd think it'd be r, but it's the c.
50:08 Andrew Santino? Oh, that's good, that's good.
50:11 Speaker 05 Okay, why do they say r?
50:13 Andrew Santino? I don't know.
50:19 Speaker 05 I heard something about pirates, they, they wear an eye patch.
50:21 Andrew Santino? Hmm.
50:21 Speaker 05 Do you know why?
50:23 Andrew Santino? Hmm.
50:24 Speaker 05 Something, something, I'm not sure if this is the answer, it's dark down below, no, no, no, it's not for that, it's not for that. That's called a- Telescope, periscope? What's that called? Periscope? Telescope? Periscope? Telescope? Periscope? Telescope. Telescope. Periscope? Periscope.
50:44 Andrew Santino? Telescope.
50:45 Speaker 05 I don't think it's for that.
50:47 Andrew Santino? It's not, it's not.
50:48 Speaker 05 I think, I heard, it's because the downstairs in the boat's so dark, so then when they go down, they switch it, so then that eye is accustomed to the darkness, and then the other eye's accustomed to the bright up, upper deck.
50:57 Andrew Santino? No, it's just, if you've lost an eye, they put an eye patch on it.
51:00 Speaker 05 No, why do you think, what, what, what?
51:02 Andrew Santino? They don't all have eye patches.
51:03 Speaker 05 We-
51:03 Andrew Santino? Not every pilot-
51:04 Speaker 05 A lot of them-
51:05 Andrew Santino? Not every pilot has an eye patch.
51:08 Speaker 05 You think, but you think there's enough of them that all of our drawings and stuff of pirates have eye patches?
51:12 Andrew Santino? Only the most famous ones.
51:13 Speaker 05 Why would, why would the most famous ones be missing an eye?
51:16 Andrew Santino? Cause they got no fight. And they always, "Go for your eye!"
51:19 Speaker 05 And I guess a lot of them are missing hands and have hook hand.
51:22 Andrew Santino? That's right, cause they go for your hand, because if they, if they point, if they poke your eye out, they know that you can't sail anymore, that's the whole point, you're supposed to take away their vision.
51:28 Speaker 05 Well, no, obviously they can sail, because, obviously we see them with an eye patch on.
51:32 Andrew Santino? If you took out both, the problem is you couldn't get to the other one on time, you got one, you couldn't get the second one, that's the whole fucking point, dude.
51:37 Speaker 05 Oh, you think that's what they were doing with their swords, they're trying to go, "Boink!"
51:40 Andrew Santino? Why were they so sharp? Otherwise you'd have a big katana type of blade to just cut through them.
51:43 Speaker 05 You'd have a seven foot Canadian gun.
51:44 Andrew Santino? Thank you, but instead you, "Boink, boink!"
51:47 Speaker 05 Right.
51:48 Andrew Santino? Cut off their hands and they're, and you wanna blind them so they can't see, and you cut off their hands-
51:51 Speaker 05 Why not just slit their throat and kill them? Slit throat kill. That's wait, you're doing I I hands.
51:57 Andrew Santino? You're a little gruesome, I'm being honest. Slit their throat?
52:01 Speaker 05 Oh, I guess that was a nasty thing to say.
52:03 Andrew Santino? Jesus.
52:04 Speaker 05 Sorry.
52:05 Speaker 03 Do you wanna know why?
52:06 Andrew Santino? Yeah, what is it?
52:07 Speaker 03 Uh, both of those are probably fake and they were popularized because of Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island.
52:13 Andrew Santino? That's right for the book. That's exactly right. Boom, in your fucking face.
52:16 Speaker 03 Pirates saying R and eye patches.
52:18 Andrew Santino? From the book.
52:19 Speaker 03 Pop, but they, it is the, the, the dark, but it's a myth, popularized by Treasure Island.
52:23 Andrew Santino? Nice try, pal.
52:25 Speaker 03 Much like R.
52:28 Speaker 05 Well.
52:29 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm.
52:31 Speaker 05 Well, I have a riddle for you. When the two men who landed on the moon were on the moon, they didn't high five each other because they couldn't. Why?
52:38 Andrew Santino? Cause we faked it. It was made in Hollywood basement.
52:41 Speaker 05 Nope, guess again.
52:42 Andrew Santino? It was made right here at Warner Brothers. I've seen the set.
52:43 Speaker 05 Guess again.
52:44 Andrew Santino? Um.
52:45 Speaker 05 This is true. This is a real riddle. It's a real historical.
52:47 Andrew Santino? Two men landed on the moon.
52:49 Speaker 05 And they couldn't high five each other. Why?
52:52 Andrew Santino? Cause they didn't land anywhere near each other.
52:55 Speaker 05 No?
52:56 Andrew Santino? They landed on the moon. They couldn't high five.
52:59 Speaker 05 Why?
53:00 Andrew Santino? It was gravity.
53:01 Speaker 05 Nope, not gravity. You get one more guess.
53:03 Andrew Santino? They couldn't high five.
53:06 Speaker 05 I'm saying the two men who actually did land on the moon. Buzz.
53:10 Andrew Santino? Aldrin.
53:10 Speaker 05 Lightyear and Lance Armstrong.
53:13 Andrew Santino? Woody.
53:17 Speaker 05 You got a friend in me.
53:19 Andrew Santino? They sang that to each other on the moon, you think?
53:21 Speaker 05 You got a friend in me.
53:24 Andrew Santino? Times are hard.
53:25 Speaker 05 When the road looks. Tough ahead and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed. To just remember what your old pal said. You got a friend in me.
53:42 Speaker 05 Some of the folks might be a little bit smarter than I am, big and strong good too.
53:49 Andrew Santino? Who is that?
53:49 Speaker 05 Maybe, but none of them will ever love you the way I do.
53:55 Andrew Santino? Oh, wow.
53:56 Speaker 05 Me and you, Andrew.
54:05 Speaker 05 It was because the high five hadn't been invented yet.
54:07 Andrew Santino? Fuck, I knew it, I knew that.
54:09 Speaker 05 If you knew it, why didn't you say it?
54:10 Andrew Santino? It wasn't invented until eighty-six.
54:14 Andrew Santino? There's no fucking way the high five wasn't invented before that.
54:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, no, that's, well, actually, I think, well, why did you say eighty-six? That sounds right to me. It was either eighty-two or eighty-six, something like that. High five invented?
54:25 Speaker 03 Nineteen seventy-seven.
54:26 Speaker 05 What?
54:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
54:28 Speaker 05 Okay.
54:29 Andrew Santino? What a fake, what a fake idea. Who could clock it that it was invented in that year? There's no, people were probably doing it in other parts of the world before you knew.
54:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
54:38 Andrew Santino? You think somewhere in Africa, people weren't doing that? And we just don't know.
54:41 Speaker 03 We have an exact date, October second, nineteen seventy-seven, when Glenn Burke, out there for the Los Angeles Dodgers, gave a guy a high five when they, against the Houston Astros.
54:51 Andrew Santino? That's when it was popularized.
54:52 Speaker 05 And then he was like, "Ooh, that felt good."
54:55 Andrew Santino? Yeah, it's so funny to think that until the seventies, nobody did that. That's insane.
54:58 Speaker 05 I know, it is insane. If you think about like, if I think about some little boys, which I do, in the fifties, playing baseball or something, I'm like, what, and they are celebrating, how do they celebrate? Like, "Oh, good job, Tommy, whoopee!" But what, don't you wanna like, run to each other and do, like, do they have a handshake?
55:14 Speaker 03 I'm sure that's bullshit. Just like people used to smack each other on the butt in sports all the time. That was like a common thing. And now we do it in stand-up. When you have a good set, they smack 'em right on the butt.
55:22 Speaker 05 Is, uh, butt smacking not happening in sports anymore?
55:25 Andrew Santino? They took it away.
55:26 Speaker 05 They took it away?
55:27 Andrew Santino? The fucking liberals took it away. That's what happens, dude. The liberals, they take away, but we can't butt smack no more.
55:35 Speaker 05 What else can't you do?
55:36 Andrew Santino? Oh, you can't just run up to a random guy and smooch him?
55:39 Speaker 05 Oh.
55:40 Andrew Santino? That's because of the liberals.
55:42 Speaker 05 Streaking? That's out.
55:43 Andrew Santino? Yeah, you can't just wave your peen peen around town. Thanks a lot, Libbies. Yeah, bullshit.
55:51 Speaker 05 You look so much like a puppet when you do that.
55:53 Andrew Santino? Bullshit, if you ask me.
55:56 Speaker 01 In here, we pour whiskey.
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58:33 Speaker 05 Ginger. I like gingers. Do you skateboard?
58:38 Andrew Santino? That's from Chris Cole. He's a professional skateboarder.
58:43 Speaker 05 He gave that to you?
58:44 Andrew Santino? Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to skateboard. I loved it. Nothing cooler than fucking waxing up a curb, dude.
58:50 Speaker 05 Yeah, I used to skateboard too.
58:51 Andrew Santino? No, fuck you, dude.
58:53 Speaker 05 I did.
58:53 Andrew Santino? No, you didn't.
58:54 Speaker 05 I got a skateboard from Walmart.
58:55 Andrew Santino? Were you goofy or regular?
58:58 Speaker 05 Regular.
58:58 Andrew Santino? Yeah, right. You ever looked in the mirror?
59:00 Speaker 05 You goofy foot?
59:01 Andrew Santino? No, I'm regular.
59:03 Speaker 05 I didn't skateboard for long, though.
59:04 Andrew Santino? Are you a Mongol or did you push regular? You don't know what I'm asking?
59:08 Speaker 05 No.
59:10 Andrew Santino? When you're skating, was your front, what was your front foot? Your left foot? You were regular, right?
59:14 Speaker 05 Yeah.
59:14 Andrew Santino? So your left foot was in front?
59:15 Speaker 05 Yeah.
59:15 Andrew Santino? Did you push with your right foot back or did you step off and push with your front foot?
59:19 Speaker 05 Step off.
59:20 Andrew Santino? Yeah, right. That's called a Mongol.
59:21 Speaker 05 Oh, okay.
59:22 Andrew Santino? Then you are a fucking Mongol, that's for sure. No, no, no. It's a term in skating. It's chill. It's okay. We just know that you'd never have made it as a pro.
59:31 Speaker 05 I never, I didn't skateboard for longer than like a month.
59:36 Andrew Santino? I read it in the Alberta Gazette. They were like, Lisa Gilroy tries skating. Bails.
59:43 Speaker 05 Bails.
59:44 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
59:44 Speaker 05 Well, I had the wrist guards, you know.
59:48 Speaker 05 Scared of falling and hurting myself.
59:49 Andrew Santino? Helmet?
59:50 Speaker 05 No.
59:51 Andrew Santino? Mouth guard?
59:52 Speaker 05 Mouth guard, no.
59:53 Andrew Santino? Oh, yeah, you should have had a mouth guard.
59:54 Speaker 05 What, what am I gonna?
59:56 Andrew Santino? Well, that's why your teeth are all messed up now.
59:57 Speaker 05 My wrists are gonna hit the ground before my face.
1:00:00 Andrew Santino? Not if you're doing it right. You get your hands out of the way. You'll not break your wrist. Go face first.
1:00:04 Speaker 05 Do you skate on the ice?
1:00:06 Andrew Santino? Ice skate?
1:00:06 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:00:07 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I grew up doing it.
1:00:08 Speaker 05 Really?
1:00:08 Andrew Santino? Midwest. I'm a Chicago kid.
1:00:10 Speaker 05 Okay.
1:00:11 Andrew Santino? No, not hockey. I played, I didn't, I was never good enough to play hockey. You gotta be good on the ice to play hockey.
1:00:16 Speaker 05 You could have been the puck.
1:00:18 Andrew Santino? Nah.
1:00:18 Speaker 05 Were you little enough?
1:00:19 Andrew Santino? I auditioned twice. I wanted to be the water bottle in the goalie net. That's what I really wanted to be.
1:00:24 Speaker 05 You wanted to be in all the mouths.
1:00:26 Andrew Santino? I just wanted someone to suck on me.
1:00:28 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:00:29 Andrew Santino? Still to this day, I'd love to be a water bottle. If you could be any inanimate object, what would you be?
1:00:35 Speaker 05 Oh, that's a good question. I guess bowling ball? Taking fingers.
1:00:42 Speaker 05 What about you?
1:00:46 Andrew Santino? I guess I'd wanna be...
1:00:50 Andrew Santino? What would I wanna be? Maybe an anal bead?
1:00:52 Speaker 05 Gorgeous.
1:00:53 Andrew Santino? A community anal bead?
1:00:55 Speaker 05 Community?
1:00:55 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I wanna get around.
1:00:57 Speaker 05 You know how they have those little libraries on corners? We should do that for different kinda stuff.
1:01:01 Andrew Santino? Yeah, for sex toys?
1:01:02 Speaker 05 Sure. It's a big plastic waste to have them all to yourself.
1:01:05 Andrew Santino? It is, and there's also just a grumpy old woman that's checking them in and checking them out.
1:01:09 Speaker 05 Take one, leave one.
1:01:10 Andrew Santino? This is three weeks late.
1:01:12 Speaker 05 Yeah, exactly.
1:01:12 Andrew Santino? Martha?
1:01:13 Speaker 05 Martha?
1:01:14 Andrew Santino? Just let me have it.
1:01:15 Speaker 05 Seriously, you're so uptight. Are you using any of these, Martha?
1:01:19 Andrew Santino? No, they're disgusting.
1:01:21 Speaker 05 Martha, come on, why do you even run the library then?
1:01:24 Andrew Santino? Because we need to preserve history.
1:01:26 Speaker 05 Martha? Martha, look at me? Martha? Open your eyes. Martha. You be naughty.
1:01:35 Andrew Santino? I'm ripped.
1:01:38 Andrew Santino? Haven't been drinking all day.
1:01:40 Speaker 05 Have you ever gotten so drunk that you threw up?
1:01:42 Andrew Santino? Big time.
1:01:43 Speaker 05 When was the last time?
1:01:44 Andrew Santino? September.
1:01:46 Speaker 05 What happened?
1:01:49 Speaker 05 You were never forgetting?
1:01:50 Andrew Santino? That was my 9/11. Glug, glug, glug, blah, blah. I puked out two planes.
1:01:57 Speaker 05 Oh. I hope not.
1:02:02 Andrew Santino? When was the last time I puked? Probably in college.
1:02:05 Speaker 05 Oh, so you don't like drink too crazy anymore?
1:02:08 Andrew Santino? No, I'm a big drinker. But I don't drink till I throw up. That's fucking absurd.
1:02:13 Speaker 05 How do you know? Like, how do you know what your cutoff is? Let's say you've been drinking-
1:02:16 Andrew Santino? When I fall.
1:02:17 Speaker 05 Oh, if you fall?
1:02:18 Andrew Santino? If I just physically fall down.
1:02:21 Andrew Santino? Yeah, and I'm like, that's it. Drag me home. And they usually have to drag me home. They put me on hooks, drag me out of there.
1:02:27 Speaker 05 Meat hooks.
1:02:27 Andrew Santino? The guy from the Apollo, the state, he just whoop, puts me out of there. Are you a big drinker or no?
1:02:33 Speaker 05 Uh, I drink, but I'm, I don't know, the older I get, the less I can drink. I mean, that's, I can have like three martinis.
1:02:39 Andrew Santino? That's a good amount.
1:02:40 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:02:40 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that's good.
1:02:41 Speaker 05 But no more than that.
1:02:42 Andrew Santino? Does your buzzbin drink?
1:02:43 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:02:44 Andrew Santino? Does he like it a lot?
1:02:45 Speaker 05 No, he's usually like driving me around.
1:02:48 Andrew Santino? Oh, he's picking your alcoholic ass up? That's great.
1:02:51 Speaker 05 But I'm like, I don't fall, but I can't see. If I'm like two, if you ever see me at a restaurant and I've had two martinis, I can't see you. Like, I'm like, vision is completely swimming.
1:02:59 Andrew Santino? Do you have good vision anyway? Like Jenny, right, and do you have contacts in?
1:03:03 Speaker 05 Legally blind. Do you think that's why the movies are called that? Legally blonde?
1:03:09 Andrew Santino? Your honor.
1:03:09 Speaker 05 Legally blind?
1:03:10 Andrew Santino? Legally blonde, that's what the original name was.
1:03:12 Speaker 05 Yeah, but is it, is it a pun on legally blind? What is legally, what's the joke? The Santa Claus, I get.
1:03:18 Andrew Santino? Well, legal because she wants to be a lawyer and blonde because she is.
1:03:23 Speaker 05 You know the Santa Claus, the movie? It took me a really long time to understand. It was like the claws, like claws of a, of a contract. The Santa Claus.
1:03:30 Andrew Santino? I'm about to blow your mind if you don't understand stuff like this.
1:03:32 Speaker 05 Okay, tell me more.
1:03:33 Andrew Santino? Wha, um.
1:03:36 Andrew Santino? In Happy Gilmore?
1:03:37 Speaker 05 Sure.
1:03:38 Andrew Santino? Do you remember the movie?
1:03:38 Speaker 05 Happy look out, ah!
1:03:39 Andrew Santino? That's it. That's what I was gonna say.
1:03:41 Speaker 05 Okay.
1:03:42 Andrew Santino? Isn't that funny that we all know that, that soundbite?
1:03:44 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:03:44 Andrew Santino? Why is that?
1:03:45 Speaker 05 Because it's said in an insane way.
1:03:47 Andrew Santino? Happy look out, ah!
1:03:48 Speaker 05 Because the, the line is happy, comma, look out, exclamation mark.
1:03:51 Andrew Santino? Happy look out, ah!
1:03:52 Speaker 05 Happy look out, ah!
1:03:53 Andrew Santino? And shout out to her, now she's, uh...
1:03:55 Speaker 05 Julie Bowen.
1:03:55 Andrew Santino? Julie Bowen. Um, people that don't know that soundbite, that's a very... There is something to be said about like the shared comedian thing, that we notice those things and I'll say something and someone will go, "I've never noticed that in the movie." I'm like, "You've never heard that thing in the fucking movie?"
1:04:09 Speaker 05 Right.
1:04:09 Andrew Santino? And it sticks out. Chubbs.
1:04:11 Speaker 05 Chubbs?
1:04:12 Andrew Santino? Chubbs, and he's wearing, uh, a specific, uh, type of clothing, the entire film. And hats. Do you know what, what kind of clothing he's wearing the entire film?
1:04:21 Speaker 05 I can't even picture Chubbs. Should I Google it quick?
1:04:24 Andrew Santino? No, just, no, don't do that, because it'll give it away.
1:04:25 Speaker 05 Well...
1:04:26 Andrew Santino? Do you understand what I'm, where I'm going? This isn't, this is brilliant by, by fucking...
1:04:29 Speaker 05 I don't remember who Chubbs is in the movie.
1:04:31 Andrew Santino? What? The, the big black guy who gets his hand bit off?
1:04:34 Speaker 05 Oh, yes, yes, yes.
1:04:35 Andrew Santino? Who coaches him the entire film?
1:04:35 Speaker 05 He got his hand eaten by an alligator or something, right?
1:04:37 Andrew Santino? And what, and what clothing company do you think he wore?
1:04:39 Speaker 05 Ooh.
1:04:41 Andrew Santino? Lacoste. Isn't that crazy? He's wearing Lacoste shirts and Lacoste hats, the entire film. I learned that on the internet the other day. I thought, how brilliant of Sandler to put that in there.
1:04:49 Speaker 05 Okay, I have another one for you.
1:04:50 Andrew Santino? That's such a sneaky little Easter egg.
1:04:51 Speaker 05 I have another one.
1:04:52 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
1:04:53 Speaker 05 Meghan Markle.
1:04:54 Andrew Santino? Love.
1:04:54 Speaker 05 Who is a princess now. Okay, settle down. Sir?
1:04:58 Andrew Santino? Love, as a redhead!
1:05:03 Speaker 05 What? Do you know who I'm talking about?
1:05:05 Andrew Santino? Meghan Markle? She's married to the fucking redheaded prince? Do you know who the fuck you're talking about?
1:05:11 Speaker 05 Okay, okay, I thought you were talking about...
1:05:11 Andrew Santino? Catch up, dude!
1:05:12 Speaker 05 I thought that you...
1:05:13 Andrew Santino? Catch up! That's how I die this.
1:05:14 Speaker 05 Another famous redhead.
1:05:16 Andrew Santino? Catch up.
1:05:17 Speaker 05 Meghan Markle, what series was she on before she was a princess?
1:05:20 Andrew Santino? Soots.
1:05:22 Speaker 05 What do you think that means?
1:05:27 Speaker 05 What do you think it means?
1:05:29 Andrew Santino? Suits.
1:05:29 Speaker 05 Suits as in?
1:05:30 Andrew Santino? Yeah, cards.
1:05:33 Speaker 05 And?
1:05:34 Andrew Santino? What do you mean? She married the Prince of Wales. In the suit of hearts.
1:05:40 Speaker 05 Suits as in suits like with ties and jackets?
1:05:42 Andrew Santino? Yes!
1:05:43 Speaker 05 And then also lawsuits. Suits.
1:05:45 Andrew Santino? And she's big on suing. Isn't she?
1:05:49 Speaker 05 Did you know this?
1:05:50 Andrew Santino? Yeah, I did.
1:05:51 Speaker 05 You already knew suits and suits?
1:05:52 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that's a little easy. That one is a little on the nose. Um, you know she dated my old manager?
1:05:59 Speaker 05 Your old manager?
1:06:00 Andrew Santino? Wait, this is crazy.
1:06:01 Speaker 05 Not even the young one?
1:06:01 Andrew Santino? She was married to my old manager.
1:06:04 Speaker 05 That's crazy.
1:06:05 Andrew Santino? It's a weird story. It's actually all over the news, but he's quiet about it. I don't even know if I should be blabbing about it. Oh, no, it's public knowledge, but... They were married. When I met him, he was just married to her. And...
1:06:16 Speaker 05 Just married like pop cans on the car and everything?
1:06:18 Andrew Santino? Hundred percent. Clearly, they never took those off, which is weird. He still has them on.
1:06:21 Speaker 05 Wow.
1:06:22 Andrew Santino? Yeah, they were married and then she left him.
1:06:25 Speaker 05 For Prince?
1:06:27 Andrew Santino? For someone else. And then that didn't work out. And then she met, uh, Fuzzy.
1:06:31 Speaker 05 Wow.
1:06:32 Andrew Santino? Prince Fuzzy.
1:06:33 Speaker 05 So did you ever get to meet her?
1:06:35 Andrew Santino? Prince losing his Harry.
1:06:38 Andrew Santino? We'll be right... We'll be right back. Prince Lu... Prince losing his Harry?
1:06:49 Andrew Santino? Uh, Prince, uh, she's married to Prince, uh...
1:06:51 Speaker 05 Stop, stop.
1:06:52 Andrew Santino? Not to have so much of Harry anymore. Uh, do you know she ended up marrying Prince, uh, Harry, more like Prince Baldi?
1:07:03 Speaker 05 Let's do one for the other prince.
1:07:04 Andrew Santino? Uh...
1:07:05 Speaker 05 Prince Will...
1:07:06 Andrew Santino? Pr- uh...
1:07:06 Speaker 05 Prince...
1:07:07 Andrew Santino? Prince, uh...
1:07:07 Speaker 05 Prince Will... Prince Will he?
1:07:09 Andrew Santino? Will he?
1:07:09 Speaker 05 Take care of his sick wife?
1:07:11 Andrew Santino? Sick wife who's got cancer?
1:07:14 Andrew Santino? Jesus.
1:07:23 Andrew Santino? Thanks for coming on the show.
1:07:24 Speaker 05 Yeah, thanks for having me.
1:07:26 Andrew Santino? Been incredible.
1:07:27 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:07:28 Andrew Santino? You are something special.
1:07:29 Speaker 05 You are such a little tickle bug.
1:07:31 Andrew Santino? So plug your show right now. She's on The Chinese Confidential.
1:07:34 Speaker 05 Interior Chinatown on Hulu.
1:07:38 Andrew Santino? It is a great show.
1:07:41 Speaker 05 Have you watched it?
1:07:42 Andrew Santino? No.
1:07:42 Speaker 05 I know it.
1:07:43 Andrew Santino? And you knew that. I'm not gonna watch that bullshit. It's trash. I don't fucking involve myself in that kinda crap. It's crap. It's liberal media crap.
1:07:54 Andrew Santino? No, I have seen the show. It's actually quite good. I watch it for Jimmy.
1:07:57 Speaker 05 I saw you, I saw you, like, in, in shorts once on the street.
1:08:02 Andrew Santino? God bless. What was I up to?
1:08:04 Speaker 05 I think you were going on a hike, cuz I was going on a hike. I think it must've been where you live.
1:08:08 Andrew Santino? Do you live in the neighborhood? Don't say where we are. Oh, you don't?
1:08:10 Speaker 05 But I think, now that I think of it, it's kinda close to here.
1:08:13 Andrew Santino? Oh, yeah. Sometimes I go for hikes. I'll go for a little hike. A lot of times if I'm in this neighborhood-
1:08:18 Speaker 05 You were dressed like Adam Sandler.
1:08:20 Andrew Santino? Love? You mean the king?
1:08:22 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:08:22 Andrew Santino? Who do you mean? The, the literal king?
1:08:24 Speaker 05 The literal, the literal king is Elvis.
1:08:27 Andrew Santino? He's dead. I only respect-
1:08:29 Speaker 05 The literal king is Prince Philip, who's now the king. King Philip.
1:08:32 Andrew Santino? The widow king.
1:08:33 Speaker 05 The little king.
1:08:34 Andrew Santino? The widow king.
1:08:35 Speaker 05 Pereline.
1:08:35 Andrew Santino? Pereline. That kid was so fucking great. He's in prison now.
1:08:42 Andrew Santino? He's in prison.
1:08:42 Speaker 05 Were you a funny little boy?
1:08:44 Andrew Santino? Were you a funny little girl?
1:08:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:08:46 Andrew Santino? Were you an annoying little girl?
1:08:48 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:08:48 Andrew Santino? Are you an annoying big girl?
1:08:49 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:08:50 Andrew Santino? Yeah. Nothing changed.
1:08:52 Speaker 05 Were you an annoying little boy?
1:08:54 Andrew Santino? Yes. Oh, my god. I'm an annoying big boy.
1:08:56 Speaker 05 What did you ever get in the most trouble for?
1:08:59 Andrew Santino? Hmm, that's a good one. That's actually good. Do you have yours already? I'm trying to think of the most trouble I ever got in. I mean, I got, I got suspended a lot from school. A lot. Um, one time, me and a bunch of guys, there was a new girl, um, god, I wanna say-
1:09:18 Speaker 05 Zoe Deschanel?
1:09:18 Andrew Santino? Yeah, she moved in. And me, and Damon Wayans Jr.
1:09:22 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm.
1:09:23 Andrew Santino? And, uh, um-
1:09:24 Speaker 05 Max.
1:09:25 Andrew Santino? Max Greenfield.
1:09:26 Speaker 05 Who else?
1:09:27 Andrew Santino? And, uh-
1:09:28 Speaker 05 Of course, Jake.
1:09:29 Andrew Santino? And Jake, yeah. We all were like, fucking with her.
1:09:32 Speaker 05 Yeah, you were like, let's kill her.
1:09:34 Andrew Santino? One day, I'll marry one of the home improvement guys.
1:09:37 Speaker 05 Is that what she sounds like to you?
1:09:38 Andrew Santino? Yeah.
1:09:38 Speaker 05 One day, I'll marry one of the home impro- Men guys.
1:09:43 Andrew Santino? What are those guys called?
1:09:45 Speaker 05 The Try Guys?
1:09:46 Andrew Santino? The guys, the Try Guys? Property Brothers.
1:09:48 Speaker 05 Tool Time?
1:09:48 Andrew Santino? Property Bros.
1:09:49 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
1:09:51 Andrew Santino? They're making their own video game, just like the Mario Bros, the Property Bros.
1:09:53 Speaker 05 Aren't you so horny for twins?
1:09:57 Andrew Santino? Guy twins, yeah. Girl twins scare me, but guy twins are hot.
1:10:00 Speaker 05 What movie's this from? Twins.
1:10:02 Andrew Santino? The movie Twins?
1:10:03 Speaker 05 No.
1:10:03 Andrew Santino? With Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. How could we not be brothers?
1:10:08 Speaker 05 Okay, isn't that movie kind of fucked up? Isn't there like a million doctors that all give their jizz to one lady and then they make like a superhuman Danny DeVito?
1:10:16 Andrew Santino? Mm-hmm.
1:10:16 Speaker 05 Is that the premise of that movie?
1:10:18 Andrew Santino? No, the premise of the movie is that they were both um, orphans and they were adopted by mama.
1:10:23 Speaker 05 No.
1:10:25 Andrew Santino? Mama, and then they run through a pipe with money.
1:10:27 Speaker 05 Mama, just killed a man. Okay, what'd you do that was so bad? You were, there was a new girl at your school?
1:10:33 Andrew Santino? Oh, there was a new sweet girl on the bus and uh...
1:10:36 Speaker 05 Sweet girl on the bus.
1:10:37 Andrew Santino? And we were just goofing with her.
1:10:39 Speaker 05 Sit that booty next to us.
1:10:40 Andrew Santino? No, gross, don't say the B word. And we were writing stuff on signs, just about people on the bus, and she was included in the picking, making fun of. And we would hold the signs up to the front of the, to the back of the bus so they could all see the stuff that were written on them.
1:10:52 Speaker 05 Interesting.
1:10:52 Andrew Santino? Mean signs, and then a couple of guys left some of those afterwards. And then we got in trouble, and then what's going on? You have sciatica?
1:10:58 Speaker 05 Um, you know what's happening? My leg's falling asleep.
1:11:00 Andrew Santino? I have sciatica, so I...
1:11:01 Speaker 05 Cause I pissed myself so bad that this, my whole left leg is soaked in piss.
1:11:04 Andrew Santino? It's all piss?
1:11:05 Speaker 05 Yeah. I can't feel it anymore, it's...
1:11:07 Andrew Santino? Cool, we got a little piss leg.
1:11:08 Speaker 05 Anyways, would you, you know what's really interesting?
1:11:09 Andrew Santino? We had a bunch of these up here, and then we went to the fucking principal's office and I you know when you're not supposed to laugh and it feels really good to not laugh, you know, and you're holding it, and it's like almost worse?
1:11:18 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:11:18 Andrew Santino? He was like, for, I'm gonna read these off. They're so disgusting, and for every single one you laugh at is another day of suspension. And dude, we were loving it. I was dying. I had the most, it was like the most fun I've ever had, listening to the principal be like, Mike Lowfield is a fat loser. It's just like him reading, I was like, why would you do that?
1:11:39 Speaker 05 Wait, I'm so confused. You're, you wrote these on the signs and you're holding it up for what?
1:11:42 Andrew Santino? We held it up to, to, to tease her at the beginning, and then we started going after everyone on the bus.
1:11:46 Speaker 05 Oh, so you were hoping that whoever you wrote, but you were at the back of the bus, I'm assuming?
1:11:49 Andrew Santino? We were in the front of the bus.
1:11:51 Speaker 05 You were like giving a PowerPoint presentation on everyone that got hit in the bus.
1:11:55 Andrew Santino? Yeah, on teasing our friends, yeah. But we were teasing everybody, but she-
1:11:57 Speaker 05 That sounds really fun.
1:11:57 Andrew Santino? But she, I think, snitched because she was embarrassed that she was a part of the- But it wasn't just to her, it was that a lot of people were getting- We just wrote names and wrote nasty shit. And then she's the one that went to the principal and then was like, "These boys are teasing me." Also, we teased, all of us, everyone was written on the- It was a bunch of people on the side. But we got in some deep fucking- That was bad. That was like a six-day suspension for me, for vulgarity on the bus, or whatever the fuck they- Whatever term- My dad was actually like, "What the fuck did you do?" And I told him and he was like-
1:12:26 Speaker 05 He was like, "I've been to prison and that's more fucked up than anything I ever did."
1:12:29 Andrew Santino? No, my stepdad- My dad, my stepdad was like, almost annoyed because it wasn't a worthwhile suspension. He's like, "That's not a- You should- If you're gonna get suspended, do something real." He was like embarrassed that that's why I got suspended. He's like, "What a lame way to get suspended."
1:12:43 Speaker 05 You know what's really funny is, this is not the most trouble I've ever been in, but I did get kicked out of class and I had to have my parents come in to talk to the teacher over also a sign-making thing.
1:12:50 Andrew Santino? What did you do?
1:12:51 Speaker 05 That in my- We had Mr. Jensen was our math teacher and he used to say "hui" all the time for some reason, like-
1:12:56 Andrew Santino? What?
1:12:57 Speaker 05 Like, if he was doing an equation on the board, he would go, "In wha- In what hui would this be, hui, whatever." He'd talk like that.
1:13:04 Andrew Santino? Fuck you, Jensen.
1:13:04 Speaker 05 So then, I had a piece of paper that I turned over to the blank side and I wrote "hui" in really big letters, like W-H-A-Y. And then every time he said it, I would hold it up and the class would laugh and I'd put it down and I'd hold it up and he couldn't see what was happening.
1:13:15 Andrew Santino? Awesome.
1:13:16 Speaker 05 And then finally, he caught on to what was happening and he marched over and he ripped it out of my hands. And then I got kicked out of class and then he called my parents and they had to come in for a meeting. And then at the meeting, he said, "Lisa, in class, every time I'm teaching, she holds up a sign that says 'howdy.'" He thought the sign said "howdy."
1:13:33 Andrew Santino? What?
1:13:34 Speaker 05 So fucking stupid.
1:13:34 Andrew Santino? What would the joke even be?
1:13:36 Speaker 05 I don't know, he just thought I was holding up a sign that said "howdy" and everyone was losing their minds.
1:13:39 Andrew Santino? Did you never validate? You weren't like, "Don't dude, it said-"
1:13:41 Speaker 05 Oh, she's like, "Oh yeah, that's what I was doing. It was howdy. Yeah, yeah, sure cowboy, yeah, that's what it was." And then afterwards, I told my parents, I was like, "It was actually hui."
1:13:49 Andrew Santino? And they loved it, where they're like, "That's cool."
1:13:50 Speaker 05 That's actually iconic.
1:13:51 Andrew Santino? Is that the only time you got suspended?
1:13:53 Speaker 05 Um...
1:13:54 Andrew Santino? Or kicked out?
1:13:55 Speaker 05 Yeah, I got kicked out of class a lot. I think I had like attention problems.
1:13:58 Andrew Santino? For this?
1:13:58 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:13:59 Andrew Santino? Why was it? When your parents got divorced when you were how old?
1:14:01 Speaker 05 Huh?
1:14:02 Andrew Santino? How, when you get- When your parents got divorced, how old were you?
1:14:04 Speaker 05 Sixteen.
1:14:07 Speaker 05 What's
1:14:07 Andrew Santino? That's tough.
1:14:08 Speaker 05 See, my boobs came in. You win some, you lose some.
1:14:11 Andrew Santino? Yeah, well, you didn't win that big. So, I would wanna say sixteen is tough, cuz you're like, that's such a impressionable time in your life. That's a hard... I was two. I didn't know any better.
1:14:21 Speaker 05 Yeah, you didn't know any better.
1:14:22 Andrew Santino? Or one, yeah. But sixteen's rough. That's so that was a big piece of your cracking out, like snapping out, huh?
1:14:26 Speaker 05 Yeah, but I was kinda snapping before that.
1:14:28 Andrew Santino? What was it before? Then what do you think the influence was before that? Why?
1:14:31 Speaker 05 I think honestly, attention problems. Like, I just didn't like listening to people try to teach me things, so I was just trying to make my own fun.
1:14:37 Andrew Santino? Anti-authority.
1:14:38 Speaker 05 Big time.
1:14:38 Andrew Santino? Me too. Um, also, you're a, uh... You're a contrarian by nature?
1:14:45 Speaker 05 No.
1:14:45 Andrew Santino? No? Not? Okay. Perfect. Very good. And then, and then brothers, sisters? No?
1:14:53 Speaker 05 One older sister.
1:14:54 Andrew Santino? Ooh, bitch. Hate her. We hate her. How old is she?
1:14:58 Speaker 05 She's two years older than me.
1:14:59 Andrew Santino? Okay, so forty-eight.
1:15:00 Speaker 05 Yeah, she's forty-eight.
1:15:01 Andrew Santino? And she lives where?
1:15:02 Speaker 05 She's brunette. She was like, very popular.
1:15:04 Andrew Santino? Oh, she's the pretty one?
1:15:05 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:15:05 Andrew Santino? You're the ugly little sister that came trolling around. Oh, fuck you guys, Lisa's here. Can I play with you guys?
1:15:15 Speaker 05 Oh, Miranda's sister's here. Ah, can I have some toilet paper?
1:15:19 Andrew Santino? Oh, God, she's always eating toilet paper.
1:15:20 Speaker 05 They would never give me toilet paper.
1:15:21 Andrew Santino? Go away, Lisa. Eating a full roll.
1:15:24 Speaker 05 And they would give me like, three squares a day to use, and I'd be like, that's not enough! But my sister, remember the year that, um, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera kissed in their little wedding dresses?
1:15:34 Andrew Santino? Dude, I love you. You're fantastic. Wait, your stupid, ugly, older sister, what is that fucking slob up to now?
1:15:39 Speaker 05 She's an accountant. She's so smart.
1:15:41 Andrew Santino? Fucking dork. Blub, blub, blub, blub. Give me my paycheck. Blub, blub, blub, blub. Give me my family.
1:15:45 Speaker 05 That's how I know you never typed on a keyboard. Cuz you, you made the sound blub, blub, blub.
1:15:48 Andrew Santino? That's not what they sound like?
1:15:49 Speaker 05 No.
1:15:50 Andrew Santino? What do they do?
1:15:50 Speaker 05 They're kinda more like click, click, click. But do you have a brother or sister?
1:15:52 Andrew Santino? Imagine if they did say click, click, click when you hit them. Click, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack.
1:15:56 Speaker 05 Click, click, click.
1:15:57 Andrew Santino? I have, um, uh, biologically from just my mom and dad, no, I'm the only one, but my step-
1:16:02 Speaker 05 Biologically from just my mom and dad, I'm the only one, but I'm a contrary to popular, really like, clack, clack.
1:16:07 Andrew Santino? I knew it. Sounds like the toilet paper queen. Mouthing off again.
1:16:10 Speaker 05 Yeah, well-
1:16:11 Andrew Santino? Go get some toilet paper and stuff this cow's mouth full, please.
1:16:14 Speaker 05 You're the most nerdiest no-glasses, glasses man I've ever seen.
1:16:16 Andrew Santino? I'm wearing them right now.
1:16:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, no, you're-
1:16:18 Andrew Santino? You're legally blonde.
1:16:19 Speaker 05 Spiritually, metaphorically, you are.
1:16:19 Andrew Santino? You're legally blonde. That's why you can't see them. You're legally blind.
1:16:24 Speaker 05 You're legally blind. You legally stink.
1:16:26 Andrew Santino? Just me, and then I have steps and, I mean halves.
1:16:30 Speaker 05 And so is your full personality based on trying to get the heavies to notice you?
1:16:34 Andrew Santino? No, they were never around. I was, I only lived with one and she was eight years different, so we didn't really live together.
1:16:37 Speaker 05 Eight years younger or older?
1:16:38 Andrew Santino? Younger. I, eh, older. Idiot, idiot fuckhead, moron, dumbass.
1:16:43 Speaker 05 What?
1:16:43 Andrew Santino? Dumbass idiot fuckhead.
1:16:45 Speaker 05 I asked if she was older or younger than you.
1:16:47 Andrew Santino? Shut up fatty. And then so...
1:16:49 Speaker 05 This is the second time today he's called me fat, and the first was before we even started rolling the podcast.
1:16:53 Andrew Santino? In the car, yeah. Well, because your car was like leaning when you pulled into the parking lot, and I was like, good god.
1:16:59 Speaker 05 This man chased me down a street. He was like, "Hey, hey, you're coming to the podcast, right? Follow me."
1:17:04 Andrew Santino? Yeah, right. This dumbass was looking at-
1:17:05 Speaker 05 Blocks away from your house. I don't even know what you were doing over there.
1:17:07 Andrew Santino? She was looking at parking signs, my house is our office.
1:17:08 Speaker 05 Waved me down at a red light and was like, "Are you coming over, please?"
1:17:11 Andrew Santino? She's parking next to a construction site like a fucking moron, looking at the signs, being like, "Where am I? Am I allowed to park here?"
1:17:16 Speaker 05 That's actually exactly what I was doing. But why were you there is what I want to know.
1:17:20 Andrew Santino? I was going to get coffee, and the coffee I texted you about, "Would you like a coffee?" And you didn't respond to me, you fucking loser.
1:17:24 Speaker 05 Do you really want a coffee?
1:17:26 Andrew Santino? Coffee.
1:17:27 Speaker 05 You wanna come on to the pod?
1:17:29 Andrew Santino? Instead of frozen, it's piping hot, the coffee series.
1:17:32 Speaker 05 Yeah, piping hot.
1:17:33 Andrew Santino? Do you really want a coffee? It'll burn your fucking mouth!
1:17:39 Speaker 05 We could be the sisters.
1:17:41 Andrew Santino? You know when you burn your mouth, when you burn your mouth on something, how, how quickly do you go right back to it? Drink or food?
1:17:45 Speaker 05 Oh, I, I get so upset when I burn my mouth.
1:17:48 Andrew Santino? It ruins how long? A whole day? Or is it just a moment of the day? But will you eat the food or drink the drink that you burnt? Will you continue or you stop?
1:17:56 Speaker 05 It depends how bad. If I did total completion, 100% burn, I'll go right back, of course. But if I have any remaining-
1:18:02 Andrew Santino? Taste buds?
1:18:02 Speaker 05 Yeah, I, I will wait like an, I will wait forever until that goes down.
1:18:05 Andrew Santino? Top thing you burn, burn tongue on? Drink or food? Top for you. Drink?
1:18:09 Speaker 05 Of, of course.
1:18:10 Andrew Santino? For me, it's always food. It's pizza.
1:18:12 Speaker 05 Pizza.
1:18:12 Andrew Santino? Always. I do it every, without fail. I've done it every time.
1:18:16 Speaker 05 And that'll get the whole roof of your mouth.
1:18:17 Andrew Santino? It's awesome though.
1:18:18 Speaker 05 But at least it doesn't get your tongue though, because crust is cold.
1:18:21 Andrew Santino? Correct.
1:18:21 Speaker 05 And cheese is hot.
1:18:22 Andrew Santino? Right. We gotta flip that. Why don't we make the cheese cold and the crust piping hot?
1:18:26 Speaker 05 Hey, why don't we make them both cold? Put them in the fridge overnight, Ninja Turtle style.
1:18:29 Andrew Santino? Hey, eat a pie. Um, alright, so listen, I could talk to you for a long time.
1:18:36 Speaker 05 Oh, it's time to end the podcast?
1:18:37 Andrew Santino? Yeah, because here's the-
1:18:37 Speaker 05 I think you tried to do that earlier.
1:18:38 Andrew Santino? Well, here's why.
1:18:39 Speaker 05 Okay.
1:18:39 Andrew Santino? A, done with ya. B, you've got your bullshit thing that you need to do.
1:18:44 Speaker 05 And D-
1:18:45 Andrew Santino? I'm actually respecting it because it's actually, oh, it's longer than I thought.
1:18:48 Speaker 05 No, I have thirty-six minutes, so my timer goes off, but it's okay, let's end it.
1:18:51 Andrew Santino? Do you really?
1:18:51 Speaker 05 Yep.
1:18:52 Andrew Santino? Oh, I thought it was, I thought you just said you said it for a-
1:18:54 Speaker 05 I said an hour and fifty-four minutes.
1:18:56 Andrew Santino? Oh, fifty-four minutes? I thought you said an hour and four minutes, I was like, well, buddy, you're cooked.
1:19:00 Speaker 05 No, no, no, it's fine. Um-
1:19:02 Andrew Santino? This is really nice, I could do this often with you, because you're so playful and fun, and people, please, watch, uh, Upside Down Chinatown on Hulu, that's the show that she's on. Um, you've actually done a lot, you're an extremely talented and accomplished, um, uh, performer, I should say, because I don't know how to categorize you. Comedian is good?
1:19:19 Speaker 05 I don't really know what I am.
1:19:19 Andrew Santino? What do you like to say?
1:19:20 Speaker 05 I'm not a girl, I am a woman. Uh, all I need, uh, I call myself-
1:19:30 Andrew Santino? Do you do that on the show?
1:19:31 Speaker 05 What?
1:19:32 Andrew Santino? You do that Britney bit on the show?
1:19:33 Speaker 05 Nah, they don't let me sing.
1:19:34 Andrew Santino? You should pitch that to the EPs.
1:19:35 Speaker 05 I know.
1:19:36 Andrew Santino? Um, Unstable with Rob Lowe, she's been on that, uh, Dinosaur Port- Portals, huge, Jury Duty was actually probably the best thing that you did. Yeah.
1:19:45 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, we got Ricky Stenicki, Family Guy, Beef-
1:19:49 Andrew Santino? Fact.
1:19:50 Speaker 05 Scrambled-
1:19:50 Andrew Santino? Fact.
1:19:51 Speaker 05 Kill Tony, hey, did you manage to do it?
1:19:54 Andrew Santino? I wish.
1:19:58 Andrew Santino? Wait, can I say this? Jury Duty was fantastic.
1:20:00 Speaker 05 Oh, thank you.
1:20:01 Andrew Santino? And you worked with a kid that I grew up with.
1:20:02 Speaker 05 Who?
1:20:03 Andrew Santino? A man, a man, I should say, not a chi- a kid.
1:20:05 Speaker 05 Kirk?
1:20:06 Andrew Santino? A man that I grew up with, no.
1:20:07 Speaker 05 Who?
1:20:07 Andrew Santino? Keep guessing.
1:20:09 Speaker 05 Ronald?
1:20:10 Andrew Santino? Uh-uh.
1:20:11 Speaker 05 Uh, James Marsden?
1:20:12 Andrew Santino? Ross Kimball.
1:20:13 Speaker 05 No way!
1:20:14 Andrew Santino? Yeah, the Kimbale.
1:20:15 Speaker 05 Are you really as tall as Ross?
1:20:18 Andrew Santino? No, what the-
1:20:18 Speaker 05 Are you taller than a Ross Kimball?
1:20:20 Andrew Santino? No, he's tall, he's like six-six, right? He's a big guy.
1:20:23 Speaker 05 You have a tall personality. Hey, and, uh, you have Friendsgiving come out, so just check out, uh, Andrew Santino-
1:20:27 Andrew Santino? That already came out.
1:20:28 Speaker 05 Friendsgiving, uh, this year, as Thanksgiving's coming up, it could be an awesome movie-
1:20:32 Andrew Santino? That already came out!
1:20:33 Speaker 05 To watch with your, um, with your dry little turkey.
1:20:37 Andrew Santino? Let's not go through IMDBs, okay? We don't want to go pound for pound.
1:20:40 Speaker 05 Sorry.
1:20:40 Andrew Santino? Yeah, that's gonna embarrass you big time.
1:20:42 Speaker 05 I wasn't trying to compete, I was just saying-
1:20:44 Andrew Santino? No, no, you did, I see what you just did.
1:20:46 Speaker 05 I wasn't-
1:20:47 Andrew Santino? You're making fun of Friendsgiving? You're making fun of Friendsgiving?
1:20:49 Speaker 05 No, I was saying because it's Thanksgiving now.
1:20:51 Andrew Santino? I wrote, directed, produced, and ex- and distributed that film.
1:20:53 Speaker 05 You distributed it? What are you, a VCR?
1:20:56 Andrew Santino? I'm VHS.
1:20:58 Speaker 05 Oh, sorry.
1:21:03 Andrew Santino? Honestly, I hope the show runs for a long time on Hulu. I really do, for your sake.
1:21:10 Speaker 05 Thanks, it's a limited series, so thanks.
1:21:11 Andrew Santino? I hope it runs for a long time.
1:21:12 Speaker 05 Thanks.
1:21:13 Andrew Santino? Will it ever be the highest watched comedy on Hulu's history, like Dave? No, and that's okay.
1:21:19 Speaker 05 That's okay.
1:21:20 Andrew Santino? But I do hope to see you again soon, because I think you're fantastically funny, and I hope the world
1:21:26 Andrew Santino? continues to enjoy you for whatever your next journey is. You are someone I'm calling out in a very soothsaying way. I can't wait to see how big you get. I've said it to our friends. We have mutual friends. We don't know each other, but we have mutual friends, it's funny. Like Glassman's one of my oldest buddies. And I've talked about you and other friends, I'm not gonna mention names on here, because there's a few other people that don't want to be mentioned in the same conversation as you because of your allegations, but
1:21:50 Andrew Santino? talked about how, from afar, how much I admire you and your work, and I think you're fantastic, I really do. I know you don't like compliments, but
1:21:56 Speaker 05 I never said that.
1:21:57 Andrew Santino? Oh, really? Your agent emailed and said, "Don't give her compliments."
1:22:01 Speaker 05 Oh.
1:22:01 Andrew Santino? That's an internal thing, huh?
1:22:02 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:22:03 Andrew Santino? But I do think you're incredible, and I can't wait to see you explode. I don't know, whatever they got for you lined up, whatever the machine has.
1:22:10 Speaker 05 That's so nice, thank you.
1:22:11 Andrew Santino? You will.
1:22:11 Speaker 05 I hope you explode too.
1:22:12 Andrew Santino? Huh?
1:22:12 Speaker 05 I hope you explode too.
1:22:13 Andrew Santino? I already blew up, it's over.
1:22:15 Speaker 05 Oh no, I meant like, I hope someone puts a little bomb in your bed.
1:22:17 Andrew Santino? No, no, I mean, I already blew up as in, like, I had my little pop and then I'm going away.
1:22:21 Speaker 05 Oh, you think you're going away now?
1:22:22 Andrew Santino? This is it.
1:22:24 Speaker 05 This is your big goodbye?
1:22:25 Andrew Santino? I'm a shooting star, dude. I'm a shooting star.
1:22:28 Speaker 05 I don't believe that, you are
1:22:30 Andrew Santino? Shooting star, which means I already died. You're just seeing me on my descent. I've been dead for fucking 785 years.
1:22:38 Speaker 05 No, I believe, you know what, let's reframe it. I think you are more of like a glow-in-the-dark star. You're stuck on the ceiling, you're there for good, adored by little boys and girls everywhere.
1:22:45 Andrew Santino? Hmm, I'd rather be adored by adults, but thank you so much.
1:22:48 Speaker 05 Be there until the house lights on fire and you get all goopy and you fall off and they bulldoze the house.
1:22:54 Speaker 05 Here's to you.
1:22:56 Andrew Santino? Alright, well you can see this fat cow on Insecure Chinatown now on Hulu. Please look at that camera right there and we end the show the same way with one word or one phrase.
1:23:05 Speaker 05 Wait, I thought I was supposed to get some whiskey.
1:23:07 Andrew Santino? We were going to. You said you didn't want to drink.
1:23:09 Speaker 05 No, I didn't.
1:23:09 Andrew Santino? In the text message, I said, "Do you want to have a drink?" You said, "No."
1:23:12 Speaker 05 No, I didn't. Read it back. You owe me.
1:23:15 Andrew Santino? Do you want a sip?
1:23:16 Speaker 05 Yes.
1:23:16 Andrew Santino? Yeah, we should have been drinking the whole show.
1:23:17 Speaker 05 Oh, you fool.
1:23:19 Andrew Santino? Dude, I didn't know you. I thought you didn't want to drink.
1:23:21 Speaker 05 I said, "It sounds perfect!" exclamation mark.
1:23:24 Andrew Santino? I thought you were being facetious.
1:23:26 Speaker 05 Now we're gonna, now we're gonna finish with a little?
1:23:29 Andrew Santino? Yeah, we have to.
1:23:29 Speaker 05 Clinky and a drinky.
1:23:31 Andrew Santino? No, because I didn't think you wanted to, seriously.
1:23:33 Speaker 05 Why? Because I'm a girl?
1:23:35 Andrew Santino? Oh dude, don't do, you know what? That's such a cuck move.
1:23:36 Speaker 05 Well, why did you think, why did you think that?
1:23:38 Andrew Santino? Because when you said, "It's, that's perfect," I thought you were being facetious. I thought you were like, "Yeah, that's perfect, I want to drink in the morning."
1:23:43 Speaker 05 Yeah, because I'm a girl. If I was a guy that was like, "That's perfect, bro," you'd be like face value.
1:23:46 Andrew Santino? I thought you meant because it's the morning.
1:23:47 Speaker 05 Because she said it.
1:23:48 Andrew Santino? It's 6 a.m. I thought you didn't want to drink at 6 in the fucking morning. Sorry.
1:23:52 Speaker 05 Give mommy her glug glug.
1:23:54 Andrew Santino? How much you want? Say when.
1:23:57 Speaker 05 That's good. Stop, when?
1:23:58 Andrew Santino? Well, you did that to yourself, smart ass.
1:24:01 Speaker 05 Cheers.
1:24:02 Andrew Santino? Cheers. To Lisa Gilroy.
1:24:05 Speaker 05 Oh, to Andrew Santino.
1:24:06 Andrew Santino? To Lisa Gilroy. One of the best cucks we've had on the show. You can sip it, you don't have to chug it.
1:24:12 Speaker 05 Ow!
1:24:15 Andrew Santino? God, that's good.
1:24:16 Speaker 05 It tastes like hairspray and it burns my eyes.
1:24:18 Andrew Santino? What do you got to do today? Do you have anything important?
1:24:21 Speaker 05 No.
1:24:21 Andrew Santino? Good.
1:24:22 Speaker 05 Just a phone call.
1:24:23 Andrew Santino? Let's get fucking trashed.
1:24:25 Speaker 05 Phone call in 30 minutes and 49 seconds.
1:24:27 Andrew Santino? With someone important?
1:24:28 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm.
1:24:29 Andrew Santino? Oh, is it really? Tell me. We'll cut it.
1:24:33 Speaker 05 No, it's just my, with my team.
1:24:35 Andrew Santino? Oh, your team, your agents and your lawyers and your managers.
1:24:37 Speaker 05 Yeah. They were like, "Warning, warning. We wanted to warn you to not do something," but I was like, "I'll talk to you after this," but it might have been the podcast.
1:24:42 Andrew Santino? This was definitely it.
1:24:44 Speaker 05 Did you finish yours?
1:24:45 Andrew Santino? No, not yet. You don't have to. You can sip it slow. We can finish it after the pod's over.
1:24:49 Speaker 05 Slip it slow and pick it up slow and a back one time and a right one long then doo bop.
1:24:53 Andrew Santino? Slip it slow.
1:25:04 Speaker 05 You know that song?
1:25:06 Andrew Santino? That's it.
1:25:12 Speaker 02 We pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Oh, that creature in the ginger beard! Sturdy and ginger.
1:25:20 Speaker 06 Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers? Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.
1:25:31 Speaker 02 Ginger. I like gingers.
Previous Felipe Esparza Next Paul Scheer Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated