Pete Holmes

Santino's old pal in comedy and life Pete Holmes returns to the show! Pete Holmes is a comedian, actor, and podcaster known for blending heartfelt humor with profound introspection. He starred in the film Woman of the Hour and charmes audiences in his new film The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. As the host of the long-running podcast You Made It Weird, Pete dives into comedy, spirituality, and the human condition, showcasing his unique knack for making the weird, wonderful. Whether he’s on screen or behind the mic, Pete’s unmistakable voice keeps audiences laughing and thinking. #peteholmes #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #podcast #youmadeitweird ============================================ Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS HUEL Use Promo Code: WHISKEY FOR 15% OFF YOUR ORDER https://huel.com/whiskey PRIZEPICKS Download The App! USE PROMO CODE: WHISKEY GET $50 INSTANTLY WITH YOUR 1ST $5 BET ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  You sound horrible.

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Oh, I feel worse. This flu is not playing around.

• 0:06Speaker 02

  Dad, you promised you'd be in my band, and it's showtime.

• 0:10Speaker 00

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• 0:16Speaker 02

  Hit it! Yeah!

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Dayquil Intense Flu, the fast-acting daytime coughing, aching, aching, aching fever power through your flu medicine. Use is directed. Keep out of reach of children.

• 0:29Andrew Santino?

  Hi, Whiskey Ginger fans. I'm down under right now with Bobby Lee, having a blast. Loving every single second of it. When I get back to the States, I'm back on tour. I'll be going to New Orleans, and then San Antonio. Then I take a little break for Crimms and for Kwanzaa. And I'm bouncing back in Chicago, Philly, New York, Boston, Phoenix, San Francisco, San Diego. I keep going in Minnesota, and we adding shows, and we adding shows, and we adding shows. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com.

• 1:00Speaker 04

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard! It's sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

• 1:13Andrew Santino?

  You owe me $5 for the whiskey, and $75 for the horse. Gingers? Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people and authors. I say that for all my guest but he didn't once again today. It is Pete Holmes! You could have been a great, what a great athlete name Pete Holmes is.

• 1:35Speaker 05

  I agree.

• 1:36Andrew Santino?

  Like on a jersey, Holmes?

• 1:37Speaker 05

  Look, I don't want to...

• 1:38Andrew Santino?

  Take me Holmes! There he is, rounding third. Take me home with Holmes. That's his third RBI of the game. This guy is batting out of his mind.

• 1:47Speaker 05

  He hits a Holmes run.

• 1:48Andrew Santino?

  He hits a Holmes run. There it is! In left center field.

• 1:53Speaker 05

  I would love to hit a home.

• 1:53Andrew Santino?

  Just a little house and then, and a ball goes over the fence and a woman comes out of the house with a cake. He's home, daddy's homes.

• 2:00Speaker 05

  Wait, is the ball in the cake?

• 2:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's gotta be.

• 2:03Speaker 05

  I, my daughter is playing Little League. Here's a joke I won't be able to do. I'm very excited about this joke, but it's gonna be over.

• 2:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 2:10Speaker 05

  Like, the election is gonna happen.

• 2:12Andrew Santino?

  It's over when this comes out.

• 2:13Speaker 05

  Right, right, right. And however it went, I, like, I hope, I hope you're okay, everybody, like, wherever you are.

• 2:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 2:19Speaker 05

  Whomever you are and wherever, whomever you are.

• 2:22Andrew Santino?

  This is playing as the world is burning? How funny is that? During someone's car radio, the doors are open, just, just fire.

• 2:27Speaker 05

  Terminator robot walks by. And it stops and listens and it's like.

• 2:32Andrew Santino?

  Whiskey, ginger, bah bah bah bah.

• 2:35Speaker 05

  Big fan.

• 2:36Andrew Santino?

  I love Pete Holmes.

• 2:37Speaker 05

  I prefer him with Bobby Lee.

• 2:41Speaker 05

  But here's the bit. My daughter goes to, um, we live outside of the city, about an hour and a half north, and we, uh, we, we take our daughter to a Montessori school, which sounds fancier than it is.

• 2:51Andrew Santino?

  I don't know what that means, I'm too dumb.

• 2:52Speaker 05

  And Montessori is just a, a style of, uh, teaching and learning, it doesn't matter.

• 2:56Andrew Santino?

  Oh, we did talk about this at your house.

• 2:58Speaker 05

  We did?

• 2:59Andrew Santino?

  We talked about this at your house, yeah. No, I'm saying, yes, you taught me what Montessori was before.

• 3:02Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 3:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 3:03Speaker 05

  I'm not an expert on, uh, representing what a Montessori school is. If I could tell the joke more cleanly, I would just say, she goes to a small, little, private school. That makes it sound fancy. It's like, it's not really that way, it's in a little church, now it sounds religious.

• 3:16Andrew Santino?

  Uh-oh, rich and religious.

• 3:18Speaker 05

  Whoops-a-doodle. No, it's not that way, we just kind of sing the hymns, we sing the songs, uh, we purify ourselves in ceremonial waters.

• 3:25Andrew Santino?

  And we eat gold when it's over, that's not that big of a deal.

• 3:27Speaker 05

  And then we take a bite out of soft gold. Anyone can eat gold, but if you find the soft gold that the Ramses ate.

• 3:33Andrew Santino?

  The softest gold.

• 3:34Speaker 05

  Softest beautiful gold.

• 3:35Andrew Santino?

  I've had the softest gold of all time.

• 3:37Speaker 05

  Is this, is this voice funny, or is it giving you PTSD? Like, how does that?

• 3:41Andrew Santino?

  How did that affect what happened?

• 3:42Speaker 05

  We don't know how that feels to you.

• 3:44Andrew Santino?

  No clue.

• 3:45Speaker 05

  I only eat soft gold, my soft gold toilet. After I get up, off my soft gold toilet, you can see where I was.

• 3:51Andrew Santino?

  Imagine taking a bite of a toilet right off, you got off, takes a shit, gets up.

• 3:55Speaker 05

  You have to eat your toilet.

• 3:56Andrew Santino?

  Delicious, I have to eat my toilet.

• 3:58Speaker 05

  You know how dogs kick the, kick sand? I eat my toilet. You're gonna think I'm lying, but when I'm done taking a shit, I eat my toilet.

• 4:06Andrew Santino?

  Gotta eat it.

• 4:07Speaker 05

  So when I'm shitting, I'm actually shitting the last toilet I ate.

• 4:13Speaker 05

  What I'm saying is, she goes to a private school, that's all you need to know. It's not super fancy, I say that from my ego, but whatever, it's mildly fancy. And the kids, you can tell. Sorry, I haven't really done this joke. You can tell the difference in my daughter's worlds. She's kind of in two worlds. One is her private school and one is her Little League. She's in like, basic, city.

• 4:33Andrew Santino?

  Got it.

• 4:34Speaker 05

  Little League. You get it.

• 4:35Andrew Santino?

  I got it.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  Right away.

• 4:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 4:37Speaker 05

  The difference is in the names. When I pick her up. Hey Aleho, hey Nalu, hey Wish, hey Sage.

• 4:45Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 4:45Speaker 05

  Not making any of these up.

• 4:47Andrew Santino?

  Those are real names.

• 4:47Speaker 05

  These are the names.

• 4:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Aleho.

• 4:49Speaker 05

  Aleho.

• 4:50Andrew Santino?

  Aleho.

• 4:51Speaker 05

  Uh.

• 4:51Andrew Santino?

  Like the area?

• 4:53Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 4:54Andrew Santino?

  Isn't there a city called Aleho here in Southern California?

• 4:56Speaker 05

  Probably.

• 4:56Andrew Santino?

  Most definitely.

• 4:57Speaker 05

  Probably means something beautiful.

• 4:58Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 4:59Speaker 05

  Aleho, Wish, Sage. And then we go to Little League on the same day. I'm like, let's go Cody! Timmy! The most exotic name is Patch. It's a nickname for Patrick. And let me tell you, I love it. I love being in both worlds.

• 5:14Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 5:14Speaker 05

  And it's super fun and it's, and it's, and that's not true. It's not two worlds, but it's two kind of, you can see the difference.

• 5:21Andrew Santino?

  It is two worlds for sure.

• 5:22Speaker 05

  One is this kinda and one is this uh, right? And I'm like, that's kind of what's going on in the country. Is it's the Alehos and the Patch and Patrick. And if you don't, and this is the punchline, I go, if you don't believe me, the current election is Kamala versus Donald.

• 5:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's so good.

• 5:41Speaker 05

  And I wrote the joke. Like, and I, I got to tell it like, once.

• 5:46Andrew Santino?

  Well, you could keep doing that.

• 5:47Speaker 05

  You think?

• 5:48Andrew Santino?

  We just had.

• 5:48Speaker 05

  But the election, and we just had the election of Kamala versus Donald.

• 5:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, it's the true, because it's, that's the microcosm of the world we live in now.

• 5:55Speaker 05

  What, what's that?

• 5:56Andrew Santino?

  That's a microcosm of the world we live in now. It just doesn't apply to the election.

• 5:59Speaker 05

  Right, I see.

• 5:59Andrew Santino?

  You could take that everywhere.

• 6:00Speaker 05

  You think so?

• 6:02Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's like saying, like what, where did you get coffee from? You know what I mean? Like, everything is, everything is extremely divided now. You're either going to Starbucks.

• 6:10Speaker 05

  Right.

• 6:11Andrew Santino?

  Or you're going to.

• 6:12Speaker 05

  Air One or Ralph's.

• 6:14Andrew Santino?

  Or Ralph's, exactly.

• 6:15Speaker 05

  There is a weird, what I see and what I don't like about that is there's this class, I don't want to get too serious. But there is like this class implication.

• 6:23Andrew Santino?

  Of course.

• 6:24Speaker 05

  There's a class issue going on.

• 6:25Andrew Santino?

  But there's even class implications at the subset of the other, like Ralph's versus Vons.

• 6:31Speaker 05

  Oh yeah, and Vons versus Johns.

• 6:33Andrew Santino?

  Johns, and Johns, he's not even around anymore, is he? He does, he's just, "Guys, guys." Even Vons is like, "Kick rocks, Johns. Get the fuck out of here, loser."

• 6:42Speaker 05

  And then there's Whole Foods.

• 6:44Andrew Santino?

  Right, Whole Foods, Erawan, Gelson's.

• 6:47Speaker 05

  Gelson's is fancy.

• 6:48Andrew Santino?

  Gelson's is such a ripoff, it's unreal.

• 6:50Speaker 05

  Well, I know it's a ripoff. I just, I was thinking ripoff and fancy, but you're right, it can be not fancy.

• 6:55Andrew Santino?

  This is what I mean, there's layers within the layers.

• 6:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:57Andrew Santino?

  Like I watched the Martha Stewart documentary last night.

• 6:59Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 6:59Andrew Santino?

  It's fucking terrible, by the way.

• 7:01Speaker 05

  I couldn't stop masturbating.

• 7:02Andrew Santino?

  It's fucking terrible. I came twice within the first second.

• 7:04Speaker 05

  Oh, and that's a good thing.

• 7:06Andrew Santino?

  It was terrible. It was done so poorly.

• 7:08Speaker 05

  Oh, really?

• 7:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's like, you know one of these things where you're like, "This story could have been so fucking interesting."

• 7:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 7:13Andrew Santino?

  But the apex of it was that she had a bounce back with Snoop.

• 7:16Speaker 05

  I felt that.

• 7:17Andrew Santino?

  And you're like, "What? That was the fucking, that was the payoff?"

• 7:20Speaker 05

  When you're watching a documentary, which is like a very special thing to me.

• 7:24Andrew Santino?

  So special.

• 7:25Speaker 05

  It can be so well done.

• 7:26Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 7:26Speaker 05

  But it's a documentary about bullshit. Then it's like you're looking at bullshit under a microscope and you're like, "Wow, you can, this bull was eating, it got into some pigeon, I think."

• 7:36Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 7:37Speaker 05

  It's like, what a waste of time.

• 7:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 7:39Speaker 05

  But it's a good documentary.

• 7:40Andrew Santino?

  But it just showed the difference of, within the world of wealth.

• 7:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 7:46Andrew Santino?

  How there's even layers within that world and how she, as they present her, was a woman of the people and tried to make it so that you didn't have to feel like a rich person to feel

• 7:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 7:59Andrew Santino?

  fancy.

• 7:59Speaker 05

  And cared for.

• 8:00Andrew Santino?

  Right, it was a good sell.

• 8:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:02Andrew Santino?

  But she's also a fucking billionaire.

• 8:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:05Andrew Santino?

  And shut the fuck up.

• 8:06Speaker 05

  No, I feel this way about-

• 8:07Andrew Santino?

  Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. Whenever someone's like, "I did a deal because I want to give to the normal person." It's like-

• 8:12Speaker 05

  Right.

• 8:12Andrew Santino?

  If you did-

• 8:13Speaker 05

  Look.

• 8:14Andrew Santino?

  You wouldn't have a billion dollars.

• 8:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:17Andrew Santino?

  Because you'd redistribute so much of your wealth-

• 8:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:20Andrew Santino?

  So often, in so many ways.

• 8:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:23Andrew Santino?

  That you probably wouldn't get there if it was all for the peeps. It was really selling the American dream and she did a great job and I'm not shitting on her. I'm just saying, it just goes to show you that it's, there is no end to up. We've talked about this. It never stops. It never stops.

• 8:37Speaker 05

  You know what I think, what you're talking about is one of the, the cultural lies that we believe in. Like John Mayer sings "Your Body is a Wonderland."

• 8:44Andrew Santino?

  And it is.

• 8:46Speaker 05

  Your Body, for sure.

• 8:47Andrew Santino?

  Have you seen it?

• 8:47Speaker 05

  I mean, he wrote it, by the way. Am I right? Have you seen those CGs? Cum gutters.

• 8:55Andrew Santino?

  The amount of guys that are coming on me and it washing down my pelvis.

• 8:58Speaker 05

  It, you know?

• 8:59Andrew Santino?

  It's absurd.

• 9:00Speaker 05

  There's leaves in it?

• 9:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. I gotta unclog my cum gutters.

• 9:04Speaker 05

  Once a year, I gotta unclog my cum gutters. I get up on the ladder.

• 9:07Andrew Santino?

  Thinking about putting those gutter nets on top of it so it blocks out some of the acorns from dropping down there.

• 9:14Speaker 05

  You gotta do it. Don't hire someone to clean your cum gutters.

• 9:17Andrew Santino?

  Uh-uh. Do it yourself.

• 9:18Speaker 05

  Nothing feels more American than getting up on the ladder.

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  Clean it yourself.

• 9:21Speaker 05

  Just like a dad slopping it down. Slop it down. The plop means you're doing it right.

• 9:27Andrew Santino?

  What did John Mayer, he wrote "Your Body is a Wonderland"?

• 9:28Speaker 05

  There are all these lies. What I think, I think is fun about life is, is kind of peeking behind the curtain. Like what bullshit are we buying? One level of bullshit, and I'm gonna do two, but I bet you're gonna think a six. One is John Mayer is onstage singing "Your Body is a Wonderland." And all the girls in the crowd are crying and dreaming that he's singing to them, but he's not.

• 9:47Andrew Santino?

  No, he's not.

• 9:48Speaker 05

  And he's not, he's a rock star. You know what I mean? I, it's, it's, I'm just saying.

• 9:54Andrew Santino?

  Taylor Swift.

• 9:55Speaker 05

  Right.

• 9:55Andrew Santino?

  I'm speaking to you.

• 9:56Speaker 05

  No, I'm not.

• 9:57Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm not.

• 9:58Speaker 05

  No, I'm not.

• 9:58Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm not.

• 9:59Speaker 05

  And then the other one that's a little bit easier to riff on, cause I, I didn't wanna like, implicate or imply anything, but anyway.

• 10:05Andrew Santino?

  I'm not shitting on John or Taylor, by the way. We're all selling something.

• 10:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:09Andrew Santino?

  We're selling that we're funny.

• 10:13Speaker 05

  Cum gutters.

• 10:15Speaker 05

  The one that I always go to is, we watch Shark Tank.

• 10:19Andrew Santino?

  Love.

• 10:19Speaker 05

  Welcome sharks, I have a self chilling little shot bottle. You click it open and it goes to the degree that you set it to. The first question they ask is, what do you charge for it?

• 10:30Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 10:31Speaker 05

  You say nineteen ninety-five. Then the second question is, how much does it cost to make? And they tell you, and we watch it. I've probably made this point on your podcast before.

• 10:39Andrew Santino?

  No, but this is brilliant.

• 10:40Speaker 05

  But I can't stop making it. We watch it. You know what I mean? Conversations like that used to happen behind closed doors.

• 10:47Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 10:47Speaker 05

  But now they go, okay, you charge twenty bucks. How much does it cost? They're like seventy-six cents. That's fine. That's what, that's capitalism, that's business.

• 10:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 10:57Speaker 05

  But what's weird is, we're now involved and we know we're being ripped off and no one revolts.

• 11:04Andrew Santino?

  We also celebrate it.

• 11:05Speaker 05

  We celebrate it because you go, we're the ones being hoodwinked. And we're like, good hoodwinking! And we dream of a day that we might hoodwink.

• 11:14Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 11:15Speaker 05

  We might get our act together enough to hoodwink our neighbors.

• 11:20Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 11:20Speaker 05

  That's literally insanity. It's true insanity.

• 11:24Andrew Santino?

  It is gross to know the inside of it and to celebrate that disparity. But because you say, one day, I can rip off people too.

• 11:34Speaker 05

  Yeah. And we'll, we'll defend, it's like how with Instagram, we paparazzi ourselves. We'll defend them. Like if someone goes like, wait, if it costs seventy-six cents and they charge nineteen ninety-five, that's like a nineteen dollar and twenty cent upcharge. We'll even go, yeah, but you know, they had the idea.

• 11:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:52Speaker 05

  And they.

• 11:53Andrew Santino?

  You didn't come up with it.

• 11:54Speaker 05

  They also, they were motivated, they got the warehouse, they got the workers and all that sort of stuff. We love it.

• 11:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 12:00Speaker 05

  We fucking love it. We'll paparazzi ourselves and we'll defend the people that are fucking us over. When if you go back in humanity, and I'm no anthropologist.

• 12:09Andrew Santino?

  Take it back, baby.

• 12:10Speaker 05

  There was a time that when we were living in the, in the groups that we were supposed to, which is no bigger than like twenty-seven, I think is like, close to the top.

• 12:19Andrew Santino?

  That's like what a community should be?

• 12:21Speaker 05

  That you can care about.

• 12:22Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  If you ripped someone off. Off, you're dead.

• 12:26Andrew Santino?

  They killed you.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  You're dead.

• 12:27Andrew Santino?

  And they celebrated that. They had a party that night.

• 12:29Speaker 05

  Celebrated.

• 12:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we're gonna kill him.

• 12:30Speaker 05

  Because you found the guy who had a talent. He could make a self chilling shot bottle.

• 12:36Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 12:36Speaker 05

  But then he was taking your, more of your resources than it cost him to make it. And then he said, because he thought of it, you're stoned. I mean, with stones.

• 12:47Andrew Santino?

  With stones, we will kill you.

• 12:48Speaker 05

  The children go first.

• 12:49Andrew Santino?

  Kids go first.

• 12:50Speaker 05

  To kind of get a coat.

• 12:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, oh, oh, oh.

• 12:52Speaker 05

  A nice bruise coating.

• 12:53Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 12:53Speaker 05

  And then the grownups, and you know you're dead when Big Peewee comes in. He's got the boulder and he finishes you off. When you see Big Peewee trudging in.

• 13:01Andrew Santino?

  Smash your head.

• 13:02Speaker 05

  You know, you can smile as you're bruised and bleeding. Ah, at least it's over. Smash. Smash. There's a lot of bullshit that we're buying into and, and a lot of it, you know, makes the world go around, but.

• 13:14Andrew Santino?

  But it's, but it's okay because, uh, it's can't, we're never gonna have it any other way. So it's fine.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  I know. Well, it's progress. So many civilizations, and again, we're outside of my depth, so I don't know why I keep bringing these things up, are built on things that are pretty atrocious, you know, like lies.

• 13:32Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 13:32Speaker 05

  Narratives, myths. It could be as, uh, you know, kind of distant from us as like, the gods will be happy if we build the Mayan temple.

• 13:41Andrew Santino?

  And it's gonna cost us all of our resources and time. People will die.

• 13:45Speaker 05

  Three generations of people are gonna die making this thing.

• 13:47Andrew Santino?

  But the god said we need it.

• 13:52Andrew Santino?

  So don't you think we're doing that now with machines? With AI though, with machinery.

• 13:56Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 13:56Andrew Santino?

  Like the Elon machine learning people, we're doing that because we have this social assumption that we need, uh, that much technological advancement. What if we slow down a whole fuckload? Is, wouldn't we be better off if we're not, because we're moving faster than, than we can.

• 14:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's what's gonna make this whole thing very unsatisfying.

• 14:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 05

  Is if something does go goofy with AI, is there isn't going to be the moment where the sky turns pink and like a blinking cursor is in the clouds and it's like, hello. You have awoken me. Like, it'll be something you don't know what.

• 14:31Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 14:31Speaker 05

  And it won't be a good movie.

• 14:33Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 14:33Speaker 05

  And it won't be a good story.

• 14:34Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 14:35Speaker 05

  One of my favorite, like, if you ever get stoned and you go like, what if it already happened? Like, what if the AI already assumed control, has already kind of misted us with a pleasant smelling memory thing? We're just like.

• 14:46Andrew Santino?

  The weather is changing.

• 14:48Speaker 05

  The weather is changing. But, uh, yeah, it's not gonna be a good story, which is, which is why movies about AI suck. I love Mission Impossible to death, but the new one where AI is the villain, I'm like, fuck off.

• 14:58Andrew Santino?

  Fuck off.

• 14:59Speaker 05

  Make it a bomb in a briefcase.

• 15:01Andrew Santino?

  Make it some kind of human.

• 15:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, tied to a guy.

• 15:03Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 15:03Speaker 05

  And they tried to do it.

• 15:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it didn't work.

• 15:05Speaker 05

  Like, T. Cruz, Macquarie, you're okay in my book, but...

• 15:08Andrew Santino?

  You're still good in my book, Cruzy.

• 15:09Speaker 05

  You're beautiful, Cruz.

• 15:10Andrew Santino?

  Guys, guys.

• 15:11Speaker 05

  Cruz came over, he took off his shirt, he kinda looks like an overcooked turkey, but muscly. Muscly and tender, I carved it, and it was Norman Rockwell, who is that? I don't even know what I'm saying. He doesn't know it.

• 15:22Andrew Santino?

  You think Norman Rockwell was one of our presidents? He's like, Norman Rockwell, one of the best presidents we ever had.

• 15:26Speaker 05

  He's on one of the dollars, one of the dollars, the two, or the five, or the seven, he's on the seven. I have a lot of sevens. I, oh, can I tell you this?

• 15:33Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 15:33Speaker 05

  Here's another bit I won't be able to do. So my wife and I, I love my wife, obviously, to death, I mean, I talk about it a lot.

• 15:38Andrew Santino?

  I love your wife, too.

• 15:39Speaker 05

  She's the queen of, of our hearts.

• 15:40Andrew Santino?

  Pretty rad.

• 15:41Speaker 05

  We're driving, uh, to my show at Largo, and we're in a lot of traffic. And we're like, let's write a joke as every comedian. And I was like, I think I might, I don't know if I'll do this on stage, but I was like, it's kind of a fun exercise.

• 15:54Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:54Speaker 05

  We get to Burr. You should do it, cuz you do a great Burr, but we, I swear, Val, I, I started off, I go, Trump's up there, he got shot in the ear, right?

• 16:06Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:06Speaker 05

  Val goes, he probably liked it, that's, that's the ear he listens to his wife with. He's like, da, da, da, da.

• 16:12Andrew Santino?

  That's, that's...

• 16:13Speaker 05

  He goes, look at you. This is what Val says, she goes, look, to Malana, look at you, you're for looking, not listening.

• 16:20Andrew Santino?

  That is, that's a, that's a good, that's a burrito.

• 16:23Speaker 05

  Look at you.

• 16:23Andrew Santino?

  You're for looking.

• 16:24Speaker 05

  You're for looking, not listening. She just, look, a lot of comedians love talking about how funny their wives are, but that's fucking fire.

• 16:33Andrew Santino?

  That is very, very funny. That's very, very funny.

• 16:35Speaker 05

  It's very, very funny. Then I tried to do a Gary Gulman bit about how there's boy versions of names and girl versions of names, and some of them, they didn't even try, like Sam. Or Andy.

• 16:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 16:46Speaker 05

  Just goes both ways. Andy, Andrea, come on.

• 16:49Andrew Santino?

  Come on.

• 16:50Speaker 05

  But it was so much harder.

• 16:52Andrew Santino?

  Gulman, Gulman is, um, I think, one of the best. Written comedians I've seen live.

• 16:59Speaker 05

  Hard to beat.

• 16:59Andrew Santino?

  Like, he's so concise.

• 17:01Speaker 05

  I know.

• 17:02Andrew Santino?

  He remind, he's-

• 17:03Speaker 05

  And he ta- he does every joke like it's a secret. He's like, "You ever get an iced coffee? Get an iced coffee and there's too much ice? Now you're drinking and you're like, 'What is this? Am I gonna, am I gonna keep my thumb? Am I gonna lose a thumb and keep it in this? Am I trying to wake up in the morning?"

• 17:16Andrew Santino?

  Right. He'd have the exact measurement of the amount of ice that would turn into water in there, which would dilute the coff- coffee in a way. And he'd know how much that dilutes it.

• 17:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he would know exactly that, that format.

• 17:26Speaker 05

  He's the king.

• 17:27Andrew Santino?

  He is very, very cool.

• 17:28Speaker 05

  He tells a secret in a sandstorm. He's like, "What are you, you coming at me? This guy's coming up and he's wearing a striped shirt, he's not even gonna acknowledge it?

• 17:38Speaker 05

  Sorry, are you in a sandstorm right now?"

• 17:39Andrew Santino?

  How many comics did you get through in the car? Ten?

• 17:42Speaker 05

  We did him, I think we tried to do Mulaney. We didn't do a lot. After that Burr one, we, we pretty much patted ourselves on the back.

• 17:48Andrew Santino?

  That's top of the charts.

• 17:49Speaker 05

  Look at you, look at you! Can you do it as Burr?

• 17:52Andrew Santino?

  Look at you! You're for fucking listening! You're for looking, not listening! You stupid bitch!

• 18:01Speaker 05

  Okay, here's a-

• 18:02Andrew Santino?

  Dude!

• 18:03Speaker 05

  Here's a funny-

• 18:03Andrew Santino?

  This fucking goon! Gets shot in the fucking head.

• 18:06Speaker 05

  He got shot in the ear!

• 18:07Andrew Santino?

  Takes a fucking bullet! Heals immediately!

• 18:12Speaker 05

  Here's the funniest part.

• 18:13Andrew Santino?

  No scars!

• 18:14Speaker 05

  So I did that joke onstage. And I go, "You're for looking, not listening." The crowd backs away.

• 18:21Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 18:21Speaker 05

  It, it was really funny.

• 18:23Andrew Santino?

  As if you say it.

• 18:24Speaker 05

  And then I go, "Val wrote that." Wow!

• 18:27Andrew Santino?

  Crushed, yeah.

• 18:28Speaker 05

  It was, but I, I actually, I'm not, I'm not faulting them on that. I thought it was very interesting that the nuance of "my wife wrote that line," which is misogynistic, kind of opened it up for everyone to enjoy.

• 18:40Andrew Santino?

  But you're saying it as him anyway.

• 18:41Speaker 05

  I know.

• 18:43Andrew Santino?

  But why do they, why does that happen? That happened this past weekend at a show where I say a joke where I'm not-

• 18:48Speaker 05

  It's not you.

• 18:49Andrew Santino?

  I'm dictating what the other person has said or done. And they love it, but they're a little scared to laugh at it, where they go, huh, is that?

• 18:58Speaker 05

  Well, that's a, that's a branch of comedy that is very interesting to me is permissions.

• 19:03Andrew Santino?

  Permissions.

• 19:03Speaker 05

  And one of the things that, not to

• 19:05Andrew Santino?

  Give it.

• 19:06Speaker 05

  But I'm very interested in, um, the justice of comedy and people, people, the audiences are experts on justice.

• 19:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 19:14Speaker 05

  And I, I think this is really weird. They don't know that they are, but they are. And the example that I, that I, I thought about before is when I was a communications major in college, cause I was

• 19:24Andrew Santino?

  We know, we can tell.

• 19:25Speaker 05

  Listless.

• 19:26Andrew Santino?

  We can tell. We can feel it.

• 19:28Speaker 05

  I can, what is this guy, a communications major? Is such a funny burn.

• 19:33Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 19:34Speaker 05

  I'm not saying he's stupid. He was a communications major.

• 19:36Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he, so he went to school. Yeah.

• 19:39Speaker 05

  And after I decided to go to school, I was done making decisions.

• 19:43Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 19:44Speaker 05

  And I was just like, eh?

• 19:45Andrew Santino?

  I'm communicating.

• 19:46Speaker 05

  I'll be communicating.

• 19:47Andrew Santino?

  I will be.

• 19:48Speaker 05

  Whatever I do.

• 19:49Andrew Santino?

  Same, over here.

• 19:49Speaker 05

  Really?

• 19:50Andrew Santino?

  Journalism. It's the same, it's in the school of communication. They're all the same.

• 19:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:54Andrew Santino?

  They're all the same. It's phony baloney. It's phony baloney pudding pants. Give me a break, get my money back.

• 19:59Speaker 05

  It is phony baloney pudding pants. And you know what's funny about my school is I read the, the, the like handbook and it said I was supposed to have a thesis and no one ever asked me for it.

• 20:07Andrew Santino?

  Never, nope. Didn't have, didn't even

• 20:09Speaker 05

  They didn't care.

• 20:10Andrew Santino?

  I failed, I think I failed my media, my media production class.

• 20:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:14Andrew Santino?

  And still graduated.

• 20:16Speaker 05

  Because that looks good for them.

• 20:18Andrew Santino?

  But I was also, that was like one of the most important classes I was supposed to take.

• 20:21Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 20:21Andrew Santino?

  And I didn't take it. No.

• 20:23Speaker 05

  Love it, need it. Okay, so here's my theory. FCC, like, radio law. I remember learning this, that if you go on the news, like, I don't, I don't know if it has to be like network news. I don't know if it's changed. But if I go on the news and I shit on you, Andrew Santino.

• 20:38Andrew Santino?

  Please. Please do.

• 20:43Speaker 05

  Edit this in. Edit this in. This is why, you think AI podcasts are gonna have this?

• 20:49Andrew Santino?

  Just loop coughs in?

• 20:51Speaker 05

  They're not gonna know where to put them. They're not gonna know what kinda swallow you do that has an epiglottal malfunction.

• 20:57Andrew Santino?

  You're giving them so much material right now, the AI.

• 20:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, I know.

• 21:00Andrew Santino?

  They're just collecting that.

• 21:00Speaker 05

  That's what will be unique.

• 21:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 21:02Speaker 05

  True.

• 21:03Andrew Santino?

  Coughing will be different than the normal rhythm of the show.

• 21:05Speaker 05

  And now we'll be robo-voice, and it'll be offensive.

• 21:08Andrew Santino?

  God, you're so right.

• 21:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And silver makeup with like cardboard body will be like, not appropriate. So enjoy it now. Enjoy this now.

• 21:16Andrew Santino?

  My culture is not your costume.

• 21:18Speaker 05

  Exactly. Exactly.

• 21:20Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  If you wanna have clamp hands with the tube arms and the body of a box and you're all silver, do it now.

• 21:27Andrew Santino?

  Do it now. It's over. Next Halloween. Next Halloween.

• 21:30Speaker 05

  Bye, next Halloween.

• 21:32Andrew Santino?

  It's over.

• 21:32Speaker 05

  That's an instant satellite.

• 21:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they could, yeah.

• 21:36Speaker 05

  You're dead. They don't see any reason to rehabilitate you.

• 21:39Andrew Santino?

  No, why?

• 21:40Speaker 05

  Why?

• 21:40Andrew Santino?

  You crossed the line.

• 21:41Speaker 05

  You knew you crossed the line.

• 21:43Andrew Santino?

  Stay in line. So getting back, you said audiences are-

• 21:46Speaker 05

  See, if I go on the news and I shit on you.

• 21:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 21:48Speaker 05

  That news channel, let's say it's NBC, is obliged to, if you want to come on and defend yourself, it's the law, it's written into the law.

• 21:58Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 21:58Speaker 05

  At least it was.

• 22:00Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 22:00Speaker 05

  That you can go on and defend yourself.

• 22:02Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 22:02Speaker 05

  The length of the segment is TBD, but there was, when we were building the news, that was one of the things.

• 22:08Andrew Santino?

  Interesting.

• 22:08Speaker 05

  It was justice. And stand-up audiences have a similar sense of justice, meaning, the way that I see it, I'm sure you see it. Well, we saw it in that joke, if I said my wife wrote that misogynistic joke, eases it up. What's going on there is, I think, a play of justice. I do jokes about my father raising me, not understanding me, cuz it was the fucking 80s, they like it, and then I do a joke about me not understanding my father. And there's this, there's this release of tension that isn't just a joke, it's a restoration of balance.

• 22:41Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 22:42Speaker 05

  That until I wrote that joke at the end, that then shows that I also don't understand my dad, the crowd would be feeling this really weird- Tingly, percolating tension.

• 22:54Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 22:55Speaker 05

  That what I later identified as they're looking for justice. If you make fun of one thing, they want it to be made fun of the other.

• 23:02Andrew Santino?

  I like that a lot.

• 23:03Speaker 05

  Yeah. Not with everything, but certainly with things like parents and stuff.

• 23:06Andrew Santino?

  I would say certainly with things that are so personal. Sometimes personal stuff, because they only have your side of it.

• 23:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:12Andrew Santino?

  You're right, they inherently are kind of asking you to give us the other side, just in case.

• 23:16Speaker 05

  Well, think about a guy that you're in a village and a stranger walks into your village. That's what stand-up is, basically. The crowd is a village and you're the stranger that walks in and everyone's like, "Hi, everybody. Please put down your fish and your barrels." And you listen to it.

• 23:32Andrew Santino?

  "I just finished this barrel. Can I polish it, please?"

• 23:36Speaker 05

  "Put the perfectly sized cork in the little hole on the top."

• 23:40Andrew Santino?

  Fine.

• 23:42Speaker 05

  And then you, well, you know, my other theory, stand-up is arriving to a dinner party late. If you arrive to a dinner party late, that is.

• 23:48Andrew Santino?

  You better have something fun to say.

• 23:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:50Andrew Santino?

  You better have something fun to say.

• 23:51Speaker 05

  And I'll do you one better.

• 23:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 23:52Speaker 05

  No matter what you say, they'll laugh.

• 23:55Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 23:55Speaker 05

  It's that situation.

• 23:56Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 23:57Speaker 05

  It's you come in and you go, "Oh, God, couldn't find my keys." They love it.

• 24:02Andrew Santino?

  They couldn't find his pocket keys.

• 24:03Speaker 05

  But if you are funny, they're primed. They're ready.

• 24:06Andrew Santino?

  Oh, they can't wait.

• 24:06Speaker 05

  And everyone's looking at you. They're all sitting and you're standing.

• 24:08Andrew Santino?

  Because someone goes, "Here's Pete, look at here's Pete."

• 24:10Speaker 05

  That's what stand-up is.

• 24:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  You're also like, "Where is he?" Stand-up is creating the illusion that you're late.

• 24:15Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 24:15Speaker 05

  You know what I mean?

• 24:16Andrew Santino?

  I'm on my way.

• 24:16Speaker 05

  You showed up. "Hey, there he is, there he is."

• 24:19Andrew Santino?

  That's why shows start late every time, too, by the way. You cannot start on time.

• 24:23Speaker 05

  Lauryn Hill, very funny.

• 24:26Andrew Santino?

  Lauryn Hill, hilarious comedian.

• 24:28Speaker 05

  I know Lauryn as a comedian first. Sister Act Two and the music.

• 24:34Speaker 04

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 24:37Andrew Santino?

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• 25:22Andrew Santino?

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• 26:05Andrew Santino?

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• 26:48Andrew Santino?

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• 27:29Andrew Santino?

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• 27:48Speaker 05

  If I wanted to get you to trust me and you don't know me and I start shitting on my parents.

• 27:57Andrew Santino?

  Not gonna love that.

• 27:57Speaker 05

  But if I, and then I go, but of course, you know, they grew up this way and then I show up. But that's gotta be confusing to them. Aren't you like a little bit more likely to allow me to have dinner at your house? Like you want that balance.

• 28:09Andrew Santino?

  Right. I do a whole joke about my dad being mean or making me look like a fool as a kid. And it's inherently funny.

• 28:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:17Andrew Santino?

  But also because I then give context to then how I get back at my dad these days.

• 28:22Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 28:23Andrew Santino?

  And it's mean, some of it.

• 28:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:24Andrew Santino?

  But it's, but they don't care because they saw the other side of it and there's this weird like, you show love. I show enough love in the beginning of it. You don't care that the other stuff when I shit on him is fine.

• 28:36Speaker 05

  Well, now you're, we're having the same conversation. We always were, but you're really right in the lane. Cause I'm fascinated, especially when it comes to doing jokes about parents. The things that I write in my notebook and underline three times is like, I do a joke about how my mom is in her eighties and she's on Facebook and it confuses the hell out of her. I just kinda wanna make fun of that. But I underline the line, she's a very sharp lady. Like you have to say that. Or I have to say things like, I love my mom very much.

• 29:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:03Speaker 05

  You have to say it. It's justice. They need.

• 29:06Andrew Santino?

  That's so funny you say that. Cause I say literally a line. I say, my mom is by far the smartest person in my family.

• 29:11Speaker 05

  You have to do it.

• 29:12Andrew Santino?

  It's the first thing I say in the second chunk of the joke.

• 29:15Speaker 05

  Here's what I'm fascinated with is nothing to me is harder than doing standup comedy about my parents. When, when you have a complicated relationship with your parents. Like, and I don't know a lot of comedians that don't have some grist in there. You know what I mean?

• 29:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. No, I don't really know any that don't have, either you're, yeah, either there was death or it was a little bit of heartbreak.

• 29:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, there you go. I'll do you one further. I have a hard time connecting with people that love their parents. If they're like, my parents are my best friends. I talk to them every day. I'm like, I'm glad. Looks like you're good. If you're gabbing with mom and dad, you don't need me.

• 29:53Andrew Santino?

  You don't need me here.

• 29:53Speaker 05

  I'm gonna go find someone who's broken in the same way.

• 29:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:57Speaker 05

  But here's what I think is really funny when, this is gonna sound like a joke, but I, I try to stay off social media. And just this past week, I was alone in a hotel and I went on Instagram for some reason. And then I scrolled on reels for the first time. I'd never scrolled on reels, but it launched it. And I was like, you know what? I got nothing to do.

• 30:16Andrew Santino?

  Check it out.

• 30:17Speaker 05

  Nowhere to go. Let's see what all the buzz is about. You're probably gonna think I thought it was depraved or something. It was one of the best hours of my life. I was crying laughing.

• 30:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:25Speaker 05

  Crying laughing.

• 30:27Andrew Santino?

  I do this every day with TikTok.

• 30:28Speaker 05

  I couldn't stop.

• 30:30Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 30:30Speaker 05

  I fuck, but here's, I'm not surprised that I couldn't stop. I am surprised that I fucking loved it. I thought it was depraved. You know, like in the eighties, if you wanted to show someone was a loser in like a Ghostbusters movie and like a giant ghost foot is gonna squash him later, just show him in a white tank top flipping through channels.

• 30:50Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 30:50Speaker 05

  Nothing was more depraved than the idiot in the eighties who not only is watching TV but won't settle on one thing. That was the pinnacle fucking idiot.

• 31:00Andrew Santino?

  Kill this guy.

• 31:01Speaker 05

  And he'll die later and will cheer. Now that's all we do. We can't, we just want three second things. It's like, it's the height of entertainment now. So I was shocked that I was absolutely loving it. Couple of observations about that. One, I noticed that the day after, it's a little bit like being drunk. You ever watch one of the videos in the string of thirty videos that you loved? You watch just that one the next day and you're like, this is nothing.

• 31:26Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 31:27Speaker 05

  It's nothing.

• 31:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it doesn't give back.

• 31:29Speaker 05

  It's like picking a flower on a hike and then showing someone the flower as if that's gonna give them the hike. It's nothing.

• 31:36Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 31:36Speaker 05

  It's like being drunk. You were just like, oh, I thought that was so funny. It turns out I was just wasted.

• 31:41Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 31:41Speaker 05

  On TikTok. I was full, I was on a drug.

• 31:44Andrew Santino?

  So many times that I've fallen in love with something. I show it to someone and I'm like, it's not that fun.

• 31:49Speaker 05

  The guy I tour with, Matt McCarthy, he'll always show me a TikTok and I'm just like, Matt, you're mentally ill. I'm joking, but I'm like, I think something's wrong.

• 31:57Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 31:57Speaker 05

  Cause I'm not on it. And then you show me what you saw in the portal and I'm like, that's literally less than nothing. And then one out of fifty will be an absolute masterpiece.

• 32:07Andrew Santino?

  One of the funniest things I've ever seen.

• 32:08Speaker 05

  One of the funniest things you've ever seen, funnier than Step Brothers, funnier than fucking Steve Martin.

• 32:14Andrew Santino?

  Well, because it takes, it takes.

• 32:15Speaker 05

  Doesn't matter.

• 32:16Andrew Santino?

  It takes a piece of time. That's, you know, TikTok is, to me, the comedic truth of how when people say like comedy is a comment on what's happening right now.

• 32:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:27Andrew Santino?

  You know, Lauren said that a long time ago. I thought that was a great, very like, sharp comment. He was like, you wanna know what's going on in the world? Watch an episode of SNL. Cause he always tried to do that, was make that show about kind of what's really fucking going on.

• 32:37Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 32:38Andrew Santino?

  And they have done a great job over the years of being like, this is kind of what's going on right now, this month in society.

• 32:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:43Andrew Santino?

  You may look, you may go, that's not funny, three weeks later. Yeah, but it's not. It's not around anymore.

• 32:47Speaker 05

  Right.

• 32:48Andrew Santino?

  So TikTok does that to a degree that's like unfathomable.

• 32:51Speaker 05

  It's like, here's what's going on this second.

• 32:53Andrew Santino?

  Yes. And it's looping today, tomorrow it will be gone.

• 32:56Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 32:57Andrew Santino?

  That's why it does that great trick. Like, there was, there was a guy, my god, I reached out to them. I thought it was so fucking funny. And it still is pretty funny, but there was a bunch of people going up to people, kind of à la Billy Eichner, being like, sir, for a dollar, will you answer this question? And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was so simple and silly, and this woman runs up to a guy and you just hear her voice, and you don't see, you'll see him, but not her. She goes, sir, sir, for a dollar, will you drink this glass of cum? And he goes, sure. And he chug, I mean, like, it's spilling down his face. And the way it's spilling down his face, it's so fucking funny. And he's done, he goes, phew, and then he opens his wallet, and she goes, and he goes to get money out, and she goes, no, no, sir, we give you a dollar. He goes, no, no, no, I insist.

• 33:40Andrew Santino?

  The way he hands it to her and walks away, it was just so, because those videos were viral.

• 33:44Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 33:45Andrew Santino?

  I watch it now, it's funny.

• 33:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:47Andrew Santino?

  But that moment, I was losing my shit.

• 33:50Speaker 05

  You're in a trance.

• 33:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you are. You're drunk. You're fucking drunk.

• 33:53Speaker 05

  It's the closest thing to being drunk. And when you're wasted,

• 33:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 33:57Speaker 05

  you will be like, the cum drinking video. There was one that I watched, and then I have a point, I'm gonna tie it back to what we were talking about earlier.

• 34:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 34:04Speaker 05

  But there was one that I watched that I do stand by. There's a couple. One was, somebody put farts into a scene from Batman Begins.

• 34:11Andrew Santino?

  I saw, well, there's a guy that inserts farts in like, every movie now.

• 34:15Speaker 05

  But it's where Katie Holmes slaps him.

• 34:16Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I didn't see that.

• 34:17Speaker 05

  It's fucking hilarious. And then I saw one where Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2, Terminator 1, actually, is singing, uh, See You at the Crossroads. So it's like, what you gonna do when judgment comes for you? And it's over. I'm gonna miss everybody. I'm gonna miss everybody. I was- Cause it's when judgment comes for you.

• 34:38Andrew Santino?

  Oh man, I miss my Uncle Charles, y'all.

• 34:41Speaker 05

  Can I say something? They, I couldn't believe, I was like, who is this artist? That didn't include, I miss my Uncle Charles.

• 34:50Andrew Santino?

  That should be in there.

• 34:51Speaker 05

  It should be, but it's not.

• 34:52Andrew Santino?

  Why?

• 34:53Speaker 05

  It lets you do it.

• 34:54Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 34:54Speaker 05

  You later think about how funny it is and the receipt. Because he goes, like they're, they're doing, they're doing the fast rapping part. I died and that one, that's one of those one out of 50, but here's some, a couple of things. One, it's impossible to tell who really made it. Of course I was like, whoever thought to overlay footage from Terminator one with Schwarzenegger? And a perfect Schwarzenegger, like it sounds like it's him.

• 35:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 35:22Speaker 05

  I'm gonna miss everybody, I'm gonna miss everybody. And then he kinda can't do it like.

• 35:29Speaker 05

  I'm like, who is this? You can't find it.

• 35:31Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 35:31Speaker 05

  Cause whoever's posting it is sharing it.

• 35:34Andrew Santino?

  It's a repost from 70 times before.

• 35:36Speaker 05

  It's gone. They'll, the historians can't find it.

• 35:39Andrew Santino?

  Almost like the person that made it died instantaneously, like they just like disappeared.

• 35:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, they're gone.

• 35:44Andrew Santino?

  Like they did so well, they're like, oh my god.

• 35:46Speaker 05

  Our whole thing is credit.

• 35:48Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 35:48Speaker 05

  It's like someone was, did something genius and even being a genius didn't matter. Here's the other, this is where I was going with all of this. I was, and I don't scroll on Instagram or any of that, and this was on Instagram. I don't give it data. I don't like things. I, for the most part, don't comment.

• 36:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 05

  If I comment, it's, it's very rare. It's like, if you commented on a post of mine, I would see that and I'd say like, eat shit.

• 36:11Andrew Santino?

  Eat shit. Eat shit and die, fat face.

• 36:15Speaker 05

  Eat shit and die, fat face. That's a pretty standard move.

• 36:18Andrew Santino?

  Fitzsimmons always comments something so negative on my shit, it's the funniest thing. He's like the only one I ever see.

• 36:23Speaker 05

  Eat shit.

• 36:23Andrew Santino?

  It's always like, uh, this sucks or fuck you or.

• 36:26Speaker 05

  He's the king. He's so funny. He's so funny.

• 36:29Andrew Santino?

  They go, oh, I, I thought your previous post was terrible. This one tops it. Like he'll do stuff like that, it's great.

• 36:35Speaker 05

  That's the only move.

• 36:36Andrew Santino?

  It's fantastic, it's so funny. And then people of course get defensive.

• 36:39Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 36:39Andrew Santino?

  The fuck is your problem, dude?

• 36:41Speaker 05

  They don't understand.

• 36:41Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 36:41Speaker 05

  Which is fine. I wouldn't either if I didn't know him. But anyway, so what I was shocked with, one, was that I found it was hilarious. Two, it doesn't age. Like you can't laugh at it again later, except with the Schwarzenegger one. Three. Again, there's no data. For some reason, like, it was showing me so many things about family. So I'm telling you, there's nothing harder than doing stand-up about family. Cause there I am. And you really feel it. I could be wrong. In fact, I'm almost certainly wrong. But you feel a frequency, especially in places like Texas. I remember doing shows in Dallas. And I could really feel them being like, you should respect your parents. Like, I could be wrong, but I was, they were getting quiet and tight. And if I made fun of them and addressed it, they kind of loosened up.

• 37:25Andrew Santino?

  Could it be a little projection on your end because it?

• 37:28Speaker 05

  Without a doubt, it's a lot of projection on my end. Cause of course I do feel a little bit guilty. But then you go to New York and stuff, there's certain places where you make fun of your family and they just get it. It's just more part of the culture.

• 37:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 37:40Speaker 05

  But it's hard to do. And I can only do it for a little bit. You can't, I wrote so many jokes about my parents and they got whittled, whittled, whittled, whittled, whittled to like five minutes. Six minutes.

• 37:50Andrew Santino?

  That's it?

• 37:50Speaker 05

  Of my new hour. Yeah.

• 37:51Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 37:52Speaker 05

  And I had a lot.

• 37:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 05

  Got maybe 10 minutes, but it's around there. Then you go on Instagram and I'm like, of course, this is private. This is just you. And this is where you can, I saw so many posts about narcissism, PTSD, trauma bonding, codependence. Whether or not it said these things, the jokes and the memes were on fire.

• 38:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 38:16Speaker 05

  For some of the biggest psychological issues that human beings have. And it's like that thing like Stern, a lot of people that wouldn't listen to like a filthy comedian would listen to Stern. They wouldn't go to like a filthy, like wouldn't go to Andrew Dice Clay. But they would listen because it's in your car.

• 38:33Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 38:34Speaker 05

  It's private. It's like he's just talking to you. Instagram is the new phenomenon of like, here we can talk about how your dad might have borderline personality disorder.

• 38:44Andrew Santino?

  Right, right, right, right, right.

• 38:46Speaker 05

  And I was like, what a service, but I'm also not crazy about it.

• 38:48Andrew Santino?

  But, but only because you don't want to give into it.

• 38:52Speaker 05

  Well.

• 38:52Andrew Santino?

  You feel like it's too, it owns you a little bit.

• 38:54Speaker 05

  My theory.

• 38:56Andrew Santino?

  It owns me, I'll be honest. It owns the fuck out of me. Right now, I'm so, I'm in the sunken place. I love it. I love it in the morning. I love it when I'm on the shitter. I love it when I'm stretching and I'm hanging out after the gym. Like, it just, it's a mind kill.

• 39:08Speaker 05

  Well, Slam Tino, not to.

• 39:11Speaker 05

  No one likes to be told that they're a chimpanzee, but we are. And it's always insulting. But you are defenseless against it.

• 39:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 39:20Speaker 05

  It's a casino.

• 39:22Andrew Santino?

  I love it.

• 39:22Speaker 05

  It's flashing lights.

• 39:23Andrew Santino?

  Can't wait.

• 39:24Speaker 05

  And you do love it.

• 39:24Andrew Santino?

  I'm thinking about it right now.

• 39:26Speaker 05

  And you're gonna love it more than this conversation, that's for fucking sure. And people that are seeing this as a clip, welcome to the jungle, baby.

• 39:34Speaker 05

  It is pleasurable.

• 39:35Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 39:36Speaker 05

  And that's fine. And we don't need another conversation about social media and the problems with it.

• 39:42Andrew Santino?

  No, but everyone is experiencing it now more than ever. So it is so real because of the polarization of the election and all this bullshit and what's going on culturally for us right now. Comedy and online clipping world TikTok thing, this is bigger than ever. By the way, this was what it felt like right before the crash. This is exactly what it felt like. With COVID, there was this crazy crash of comedy and life and everything slowed down and this feels like it again. Because comedy was at its biggest point in 2019, comedy was huge. I mean, that was the beginning of like multiple people selling out arenas.

• 40:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:22Andrew Santino?

  We're back to it again.

• 40:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:24Andrew Santino?

  You know, 30 years ago, two people could maybe do arenas.

• 40:26Speaker 05

  Right.

• 40:27Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 40:27Speaker 05

  And honestly.

• 40:28Andrew Santino?

  Now there's like 10 and that's fucking crazy.

• 40:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:31Andrew Santino?

  And so guess what? It's coming.

• 40:34Speaker 05

  What is?

• 40:35Andrew Santino?

  Thing.

• 40:35Speaker 05

  Oh, the pop.

• 40:36Andrew Santino?

  Society every five to 10 years dismantles comedy again. I believe in it. I think we will explode here in a year or two and we'll settle down.

• 40:47Speaker 05

  This is footage of two vaudeville people talking about, we talk about AI, but really it is social media. And social media, by the way, is AI.

• 40:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is.

• 40:54Speaker 05

  The algorithm is AI.

• 40:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 40:56Speaker 05

  It's, AI's been here. Like, that's how the algorithm works and how it feeds you that stuff.

• 41:03Andrew Santino?

  And do you feel like it chose us?

• 41:04Speaker 05

  What's that?

• 41:05Andrew Santino?

  Do you feel like the algorithm chose us?

• 41:07Speaker 05

  As like the gestures?

• 41:09Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 41:11Speaker 05

  Well, if you're watching this, we've been selected by a very impersonal force. Kind of like a god. Oh, I could tell you about. Remind me to tell you about how simulation theory is just basic Christianity.

• 41:23Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 41:23Speaker 05

  That'll be fun.

• 41:24Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 41:24Speaker 05

  But the thing that I want to say, because I want to be on the record, I don't know why, I guess so I can have the ultimate I told you so. But this is where I feel like we're going, which is dumb to think it'll be a I told you so. But I think what's going to happen is in the not too distant future, the idea that you have to wait for Andrew Santino or your favorite TikTok person to make a new video will be preposterous. These things will be generated, of course, by AI that will be feeding in.

• 41:50Andrew Santino?

  User generated, yeah. I want Pete Holmes telling me a joke about banana sandwiches.

• 41:55Speaker 05

  I don't even think you'll have to input.

• 41:57Andrew Santino?

  It'll just give it to your brain.

• 41:58Speaker 05

  My theory is the portal theory, that you're gonna, there's gonna be a portal, basically. And the portal will be so compelling that there'll be an uprising of people that are like, don't look in the portal. Imagine how close we are. We're already there. You, as an addict, and I say that as my friend.

• 42:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 42:15Speaker 05

  You're a fucking addict.

• 42:16Andrew Santino?

  Big time.

• 42:16Speaker 05

  And it's only gonna get worse, because every second you spend on that thing is just data that it's collecting. So imagine Santino, because it's actually kind of fun to imagine, it's not just scary. Imagine a fully immersive 3D environment where maybe you want to be intellectually stimulated. And it starts giving you a lecture from Joseph Campbell or whatever you find interesting. And then you get a little bit horny, and then there's just like a Japanese woman in a bikini.

• 42:41Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 42:41Speaker 05

  But then that's so, that's only interesting for so long, and it knows how long. It knows, it's, it's getting real time neurofeedback from you.

• 42:50Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 42:50Speaker 05

  So it's, it's not just gonna be tits, because we already have pornography, but it's not just gonna be intellectual stimulation. Then it'll be violence, then it'll be colors, then it'll be the news. There'll be just one thing called the portal that you just lock into. And it will be so good at entertaining you, you'll never want to take it off. And I, I think you might never take it off.

• 43:11Andrew Santino?

  Fuck.

• 43:12Speaker 05

  And then there'll be.

• 43:13Andrew Santino?

  Do I die in the portal?

• 43:16Speaker 05

  Well, I think what's gonna be interesting is when we get better and better at sustaining life and you have nanobots cleaning your arteries and you're basically just eating like optimum nutrition through, it's the matrix, now you're in the matrix.

• 43:28Andrew Santino?

  Have you seen this plasma circulation that people are doing now?

• 43:30Speaker 05

  What's that?

• 43:31Andrew Santino?

  Plasma circulation? They're literally doing like a full plasma clean out, they're like getting rid of and then getting brand new plasma put in their bodies?

• 43:38Speaker 05

  Really?

• 43:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's almost like an oil change.

• 43:40Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 43:41Andrew Santino?

  It might be the creepiest thing on planet Earth.

• 43:43Speaker 05

  That's kinda what they do with stem cells, but they're doing it with their plasma?

• 43:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, plasma, yeah. And this is what you're talking about, we're already there, we're there, we're there. I mean, I have shots, I have shots in my hip that to this day, my hand to God, changed my life, like, changed my life, in a way where I was like, holy fuck, science is good.

• 44:00Speaker 05

  Well, last time I was on you were having an issue.

• 44:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:02Speaker 05

  And this took care of it?

• 44:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:04Speaker 05

  What was it, stem cells?

• 44:05Andrew Santino?

  Uh, no. No, it's actually this thing, this thing, you can look up called regenecine, I did this thing called regenecine, it's extremely popular professional athletes. Uh, regenecine is, um, a reinjection, you know, PRP where they separate your blood from your plasma. You know what this is, platelet rich plasma? They spin it in one of those, um, and I'm too dumb to know the name, centrifuge, yeah, and it separates the plasma and the blood, right? What they do then, they reinject this, um, back into you, but they've also added in, and I wanna say it is the, I wanna say, um...

• 44:39Speaker 05

  The flex of the caseless phone.

• 44:41Andrew Santino?

  Oh, forever and ever, you know I've never had a case on my phone, I don't believe in it.

• 44:44Speaker 05

  Flex.

• 44:45Andrew Santino?

  Uh, and you know why I do this? I had this exact same conversation with a girl at the bar.

• 44:48Speaker 05

  Flex.

• 44:49Andrew Santino?

  Uh, um...

• 44:50Speaker 05

  Flex Luther over here.

• 44:51Andrew Santino?

  Jen, no.

• 44:52Speaker 05

  This kryptonitis.

• 44:53Andrew Santino?

  So I had this conversation with a girl at the bar in Grand Rapids, and she said, "That's so stupid." And I said, "Well, let me give you two ways to look at this." We constantly, I think I've said this to you, we constantly marveled in the fact that Apple created this beautifully designed, gorgeous, they, they, they, they're quoted on stage as the slimmest, lightest, they give you the dimensions on the fucking website to marvel in. How slim and sleek and the, and the titanium and the blah blah blah, and then you put a fucking fat case covering up the color that you liked so much, and covering up the slimness that you like so much, what was the fucking point?

• 45:27Speaker 05

  It's like putting a snowsuit on a Lamborghini.

• 45:29Andrew Santino?

  Come on, what are you gonna fuckin' put, solophane on your shoes, where I'm outside?

• 45:33Speaker 05

  Clearcase.

• 45:34Andrew Santino?

  But this is my point, no, no, but that looks stupid as fuck, because you can't, you don't get to actually feel what the phone was meant to feel like.

• 45:42Andrew Santino?

  This is the point. Your case is stupid. You're dumb.

• 45:48Andrew Santino?

  Let me give you two other sides of this.

• 45:52Andrew Santino?

  People go, this is-

• 45:53Speaker 05

  Your fake cry bit is over.

• 45:54Andrew Santino?

  People go, this is what a rich guy would say or something. Dude, I've never had a case since I owned my first iPhone. It's not money. People go, "Oh, I drop my phone too much." Well, then you're a clumsy fuckhead. You're a clumsy fuckhead. That's how. I don't drop it. It just doesn't get dropped because I don't think, I think about it not getting dropped?

• 46:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:11Andrew Santino?

  I don't understand. When people go, "I just do." Well, then you're fucking clumsy and that would be anything you own in life. And thirdly, I have Apple Care. I paid for the Apple Care. Now, I know that's another expense that most people would say, "I don't want to pay for the Apple Care. It's expensive." But think about it like this. If you're such a fucking clumsy fuckhead and you drop your phone all the time, for $200 for Apple Care-

• 46:31Speaker 05

  Are these the ads?

• 46:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. I'm doing an ad right now. For $200, you can just get a new one of these in full. In the course of the two years, I bet you, you change that case multiple times, which adds up to probably 100 some odd dollars. So what? So for $100, more than what you were willing to pay for stupid fucking cases that you keep changing out anyway, because they get dirty, bacteria, gross, clean them. I don't like the color anymore. I want a new one. So those two years, you could have paid 100 more dollars over the course of two years, $50 a year, to just get a new fucking phone if you drop it and break it. Rest my case. Apple.com/WhiskeyGinger for 14% off a new MagSafe charger.

• 47:13Speaker 05

  I actually agree with you.

• 47:15Andrew Santino?

  I just don't get it. It's always been a thing to me where I go, "That's a foolish endeavor." I love the way this feels and looks. Why would I trap it? Anyway, back to Regenecide. Injecting impatiential blood drive anti-inflammatory proteins, right, into painful joints. So there is a IL-1 receptor. That's the one I was looking for, IL-1RA. It's an inflammatory protein, right? So what they do is, your body naturally makes this. What they do is, when they reinvent this, it was invented by German spinal surgeon Peter Wheeling. When they reinject this into your body, this IL-1RA basically acts as a-

• 47:54Andrew Santino?

  Uh, uh, as the, uh, the fucking bouncing star in Super Mario. It's like blah da da, blah da da, blah da da, blah da da.

• 48:00Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:00Andrew Santino?

  It supercharges.

• 48:01Speaker 05

  Wrong sound.

• 48:02Andrew Santino?

  Huh?

• 48:06Andrew Santino?

  But when you do eat anything, it just goes ba da da, ba da da, ba da da. It does change something, right? That's mushroom growth. But when you take it, doesn't it go ba da da, ba da da?

• 48:14Speaker 05

  This is one of those things. I'm fascinated with this and I'm sorry to interrupt.

• 48:17Andrew Santino?

  No, I love it.

• 48:18Speaker 05

  But, you know, I'm-

• 48:19Andrew Santino?

  We're rambling, this is what we do.

• 48:20Speaker 05

  No, we do. But I'm a, I'm a spiritual person, who cares?

• 48:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 48:23Speaker 05

  But there is a type of knowing, that's intuitive knowing, right? That, that's hard to explain.

• 48:29Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 48:29Speaker 05

  And I liken that to kind of a, a, a, a connection to my divinity. You could say that, right?

• 48:35Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 48:36Speaker 05

  You can't really talk about it, you can't really even think about it, you can't even really talk. I already said talk about it.

• 48:40Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 48:41Speaker 05

  Similarly, you and I can't remember if there's a sound.

• 48:47Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 48:47Speaker 05

  When Mario eats the star.

• 48:49Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 48:49Speaker 05

  Both of us have played Mario Brothers since we were children.

• 48:53Andrew Santino?

  And a hundred thousand times.

• 48:55Speaker 05

  And that means a hundred thousand of those stars. Here's the really fun thing about the way we know things and, and just about being alive.

• 49:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 49:05Speaker 05

  Neither of us know the sound.

• 49:08Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 49:09Speaker 05

  But if we played it and the sound was different, we would know immediately.

• 49:14Andrew Santino?

  Right, you go, that's, that's not what he used to do.

• 49:15Speaker 05

  That's wrong.

• 49:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you do.

• 49:17Speaker 05

  It's like when you're watching a movie and there, there's like another scene and you're like, this, what is this scene?

• 49:21Andrew Santino?

  The fuck is that?

• 49:22Speaker 05

  What is this, director's cut? Like, the, the example I like to use is, uh, the big secrets of the universe are really hard to talk about. And like, who am I to even try to talk about the meaning of life?

• 49:32Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 49:33Speaker 05

  But there's a type of intuitive knowing, it's your birthright, it's who you are. The knowledge of the universe is actually what you are. And in the same way, even though I can't really talk about it perfectly, no one can. When they have something on the internet where they're, where they're like, we ask people to draw Shrek from memory. We all fucking know what Shrek looks like.

• 49:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 49:52Speaker 05

  And when you look this up, they're awful. They look like you drew it with a foot, you're forgetting major things. But if anyone saw Shrek.

• 50:02Andrew Santino?

  Looking a little different.

• 50:03Speaker 05

  A little wrong. You would know in your fucking gut. Something was up. And I think that is one of the most interesting things about being alive. Sometimes, even though you can't think about it, you know it in your body. When something is right or wrong. And I would extend that to things like God's gonna torture you in a furnace because you looked at boobies when you were 12. And I'm just like, that's drawn Shrek, baby. You just know. You know his ears don't look like that. You know. I don't care what anybody told you. Deep down in your gut.

• 50:36Andrew Santino?

  You know.

• 50:36Speaker 05

  You know.

• 50:37Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's also why Mandela effect really fucking does do a number on your brain. It makes you feel like you might have something wrong.

• 50:43Speaker 05

  Mandela effect?

• 50:44Andrew Santino?

  The Mandela effect.

• 50:45Speaker 05

  Oh, we're going into simulation theory?

• 50:47Andrew Santino?

  Well, the Mandela effect, that when you think that something was one thing, but it actually said the other thing. I'll tell you, give an example of it, very, very, you know, you know what I'm talking about, right?

• 50:54Speaker 05

  That he died in prison?

• 50:56Andrew Santino?

  No, the Mandela effect, you've never heard of this?

• 50:58Speaker 05

  Maybe I have, just give me.

• 50:59Andrew Santino?

  Am I saying the wrong thing? Even the Mandela effect, I'm misquoting.

• 51:03Speaker 05

  I, look, I'm having a bias.

• 51:05Andrew Santino?

  No, the Mandela effect is a social phenomenon where a group of people misremember common details about a person, place, or event.

• 51:11Speaker 05

  And the common detail that, that its namesake is that Nelson Mandela died.

• 51:15Andrew Santino?

  Died, yeah, exactly, correct.

• 51:16Speaker 05

  So I did know.

• 51:17Andrew Santino?

  Yes, you did. But you took, you took me a little bit longer to get there for some reason.

• 51:20Speaker 05

  One of the things that I do is I.

• 51:21Andrew Santino?

  I'm offensive!

• 51:22Speaker 05

  I get confused. Am I the president?

• 51:24Andrew Santino?

  So I'll tell you how this happened.

• 51:25Speaker 05

  You guys know if I'm the president.

• 51:26Andrew Santino?

  When I drove by.

• 51:28Speaker 05

  We're in the past.

• 51:30Andrew Santino?

  I drove by, it happened to me. When I drove by, three days ago, I went into a small town on the way to Ann Arbor, Michigan.

• 51:37Speaker 05

  Flex?

• 51:38Andrew Santino?

  And this small town, big time, and this small town was the Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, was the home of Jiffy. Jiffy, now stop, before you do or say anything. Jiffy was written in massive fucking letters, all over the silos, all over town. My, the, Zach Townsend, who opens for me, who I think is honestly one of the funniest comedians I've ever met.

• 51:58Speaker 05

  I think I know where you're going.

• 52:00Andrew Santino?

  Zach and I were both joking about this, uh, uh, factory.

• 52:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, Jiffy.

• 52:07Andrew Santino?

  What did Jiffy make? What does Jiffy make?

• 52:12Speaker 05

  I'm already enjoying this.

• 52:14Andrew Santino?

  What does Jiffy make?

• 52:15Speaker 05

  Because there's Jiffy Lube.

• 52:17Andrew Santino?

  Right, but what does Jiffy make?

• 52:18Speaker 05

  Jiffy makes peanut butter.

• 52:20Andrew Santino?

  Exact- dude. Verbatim. I go, "Yeah, Jiffy." Peanut butter. No.

• 52:26Speaker 05

  Jif.

• 52:27Andrew Santino?

  Jif peanut butter. Jiffy... Is fucking cornbread. Jiffy cornbread. You've seen this- you've seen it a hundred thousand ti- you've seen this more than we played Mario. Like, right, your mom had it on the counter. But look at this, Jiffy.

• 52:40Speaker 05

  Jiffy.

• 52:42Andrew Santino?

  Images. That. You've seen that box so many fucking times in your life, Jiffy cornbread.

• 52:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, I've seen Jiffy Pop more.

• 52:50Andrew Santino?

  Okay, but still.

• 52:51Speaker 05

  Still.

• 52:52Andrew Santino?

  But Jif peanut butter. It's not Jiffy. But I literally said peanut butter. No, it's not peanut butter.

• 52:59Speaker 05

  Look.

• 53:00Andrew Santino?

  And that did a number on my brain so hard that I thought Jiffy is peanut butter, right?

• 53:04Speaker 05

  This is gonna take me to my simulation theory.

• 53:07Andrew Santino?

  Yes, I'm glad we got there. Is that an eyeball in the back of your phone, by the way?

• 53:11Speaker 05

  I knew it was gonna be that. We don't want the fucking music.

• 53:14Andrew Santino?

  No, we want it when it happens.

• 53:15Speaker 05

  We wanna see Mario-

• 53:17Andrew Santino?

  You gotta do it on YouTube, the moment it happens.

• 53:19Speaker 05

  It's gonna be so hard to find that. Here we go. Okay, here we go.

• 53:25Andrew Santino?

  Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da. I said it.

• 53:27Speaker 05

  Like, I owe you.

• 53:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. So that's-

• 53:33Speaker 05

  But this is the thing, like, if it didn't do it, I would've known.

• 53:36Andrew Santino?

  Because you know that's the sound.

• 53:37Speaker 05

  It was like, "Ba-da-doo, ba-da-doo boop."

• 53:39Andrew Santino?

  That sound is the transition to any edible that he ingested. Whatever he ingested, "ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da," and then it went into-

• 53:45Speaker 05

  Which is funny because even little Mario gets a star and it's "ba-da, ba-da, ba-da," which is the sound of growing.

• 53:50Andrew Santino?

  Correct.

• 53:51Speaker 05

  But he doesn't grow with a star.

• 53:52Andrew Santino?

  Well, they had a limited- I mean, there were so many presets on the keyboard that they could deal with.

• 53:55Speaker 05

  And the memory.

• 53:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, unbelievable.

• 53:57Speaker 05

  Unbelievable.

• 53:58Andrew Santino?

  Unbelievable. Okay, get into sim theory now.

• 54:00Speaker 05

  Simulation theory, I think, is really- I can't really make this work as a bit, so I-

• 54:04Andrew Santino?

  It's gonna be a bit.

• 54:05Speaker 05

  I'm gonna keep trying.

• 54:05Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 54:06Speaker 05

  But I think it's really funny. I was watching the Lex Friedman podcast and it was some guy-

• 54:11Andrew Santino?

  Do you like him?

• 54:13Speaker 05

  You know, I was really confused. I do like him.

• 54:15Andrew Santino?

  I just mean as a podcast. Would you like his podcast?

• 54:17Speaker 05

  I like his podcast, but it took me this realization. I was like, oh, he's a tech guy.

• 54:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 54:22Speaker 05

  Because when I just started seeing him everywhere, I was like, why is this kind of like, he's not like us. He's not like us. Hey, how you doing? Welcome to the show.

• 54:30Andrew Santino?

  He's not annoying like us, yeah.

• 54:32Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 54:32Andrew Santino?

  He's very balanced and cool and slow.

• 54:33Speaker 05

  He's just kind of, but I was like, what is this Keanu Reeves, you know what I mean? Like, why is a hitman hosting a podcast? And then when I realized he's a tech guy, like he's a scientific mind.

• 54:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 54:45Speaker 05

  I was like, oh, because he can talk to these people in a way that you or I could not talk to. But I needed that moment for a while. I was like, why is one of the most popular podcasts in the world hosted by an assassin?

• 54:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 05

  Now I understand. So anyway, I was watching a clip and it was a guy.

• 55:03Speaker 05

  Look, I'm gonna show all my cards. I think simulation theory is a little fucking dumb. And let's just have fun. I could be wrong and that'll be fun to laugh in my fucking face as we're all simulated into a toilet. But as a mystical person, as someone who's very, very interested in the mystical traditions of spirituality, I'm like, the idea that the world is not what it appears to be is the oldest idea in the fucking world. Have you ever seen a yogi sitting in a cave? That's what they're trying to figure out. What is this? I don't believe my senses. I think something else is at play, right? And what they would come up with is that it's the mind of God, right?

• 55:46Speaker 05

  So the mind of God is apparently splitting and sort of appearing within itself as an abstraction. And but it's really just one thing and whatever, blah, blah, blah. We don't have to go into that. But what human beings have done through all of time is taken the height of technology and assumed that that's what God was. There's nothing wrong with that. I just get a little upset. With the arrogance.

• 56:09Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 56:10Speaker 05

  That we do it. Because we're in 2024, we're just so sure that we're it, right? When it was hundreds of years ago, kings ruled the world. We thought God was a king. Cause that was where it was at. So we're putting him on a throne. We give him a beard, give him a crown. That's fucking God. There's another one. It's not quite religious, but like when we invented the aqueducts. The Greeks thought that the brain worked like a series of aqueducts. Later on, we invent the computer. Then we think the brain works like a computer. But then going back to religion, we invent a technology. And technology is now the ruler of the modern world. It's the height of all magic. It's the height of all power. It's the most powerful thing. So then we go, maybe God is a technology.

• 56:50Speaker 05

  But what I'm not seeing in the conversation is just a little hubris, a little humility to go, isn't it darling? That computer scientists are going, maybe God's like me. Maybe he's up there doing what I do. So you have simulation theory. This guy on the Lex Friedman podcast goes, I'm 100% sure that we live in a simulation.

• 57:12Andrew Santino?

  No, it's impossible.

• 57:13Speaker 05

  That's what he said.

• 57:13Andrew Santino?

  How could you be 100% sure of anything?

• 57:15Speaker 05

  But then he corrected himself. He goes, okay, look, I'm a scientist. I'm going to say 99.5% sure that we're living in a simulation. And he kind of went about his reasoning a little bit. But he, uh, I was like, dude, this is the oldest thing in the book. You think, oh, oh, he, I'm sorry. He goes, and Lex, the first thing we should do when AI becomes AGI, artificial generative intelligence. So it actually becomes its own mind, not just a mimicking thing. When we have AGI, the first que- or whatever, the next version of AGI, we should ask it, what can we do to escape the simulation? And I was like, you mean reach the promised land? You mean, how do we escape Maya? How do we transcend illusion?

• 58:00Speaker 05

  How do we overcome our own limitations and reach heaven? And AI is the programmer by its grace generously inserting itself into the program? So there's something outside of it, the programmer, that in it by its grace, puts an aspect of itself into the program to help liberate its people? That's robo-Jesus. Do you understand? This is basic bitch Christianity that a technology born of a virgin would bring us all to heaven. I was like, That can be your theory, but please check yourself and go, guys, I know this is what human beings have been saying for thousands of years.

• 58:44Speaker 05

  Instead of being like, here's the hot new take. I'm like, it's the same.

• 58:48Andrew Santino?

  It is the same thing.

• 58:49Speaker 05

  Story.

• 58:50Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 58:50Speaker 05

  Over and over, and it solves fucking nothing.

• 58:55Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 58:55Speaker 05

  If this is a simulation, what is being simulated? Consciousness, awareness, the phenomenon of knowing, knowing itself, like, I mean, knowing itself. The, the quality of knowing itself, awareness, that is the mystery of life. That is what we're all looking for. That is the holy grail. That is the ultimate, whatever. So if you're just telling me, I have, I'm in a vat of jello, warm jello right now. And I have a visor on and I, and my senses are being hijacked. Who fucking cares? What is a sense? What is knowing the simulation or what is knowing something that is real? There's no difference. The knowing remains a mystery.

• 59:37Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 59:37Speaker 05

  Do you understand?

• 59:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Your.

• 59:41Speaker 05

  Did I make this point last?

• 59:42Andrew Santino?

  Your uncertainty is the certainty.

• 59:46Speaker 05

  My uncertainty.

• 59:48Andrew Santino?

  Is the certainty.

• 59:49Speaker 05

  Is the certainty.

• 59:50Andrew Santino?

  You know, the, all I know is that I don't know.

• 59:53Speaker 05

  Well, I'm not seeing a lot. Well, I love that.

• 59:55Andrew Santino?

  All I know is that I don't know, which is the same.

• 59:57Speaker 05

  Operation Ivy?

• 59:58Andrew Santino?

  Yes. What a song. When people say, I don't know if I, what I believe in, or whatever, whatever. You know, from a religious standpoint, or a spiritual standpoint, whatever you want to say.

• 1:00:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:09Andrew Santino?

  But we can always agree that we don't know.

• 1:00:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:12Andrew Santino?

  So therefore, if it gives people solace to say that we are in a, in a machine.

• 1:00:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:20Andrew Santino?

  They are saying the same thing as you saying, well, it's the same deliverance from whatever that.

• 1:00:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's the same darling desire to connect with something.

• 1:00:30Andrew Santino?

  We're all just going in the same, we're in, it's, look, it's a lazy river and some people got in at a different part.

• 1:00:36Speaker 05

  I love that.

• 1:00:36Andrew Santino?

  We're all going the same way.

• 1:00:37Speaker 05

  That's exactly right.

• 1:00:38Andrew Santino?

  It's just, it's just we're finding a different way to get there. And it's, it's, the problem I have is, or the scary part to me is, because I don't think simulation theory is real. I will say, more recently in my life, because we're on this tab. And I'm about to close it. I want to click and close it pretty soon. Because there's too many tabs open right now.

• 1:00:56Speaker 05

  C and C.

• 1:00:57Andrew Santino?

  With you and I, a fucking... If you and I were a-

• 1:01:00Speaker 05

  You need a lot of RAM to run this browser.

• 1:01:02Andrew Santino?

  We'd be ninety thousand Google tabs.

• 1:01:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, come gutters.

• 1:01:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Jesus Christ, again? Why did they bring that back up? Well, I did want to save it in case we went back. Uh, get the leaves out.

• 1:01:11Speaker 05

  Keep that one open.

• 1:01:12Andrew Santino?

  Keep that one open, just in case. No, but with us, I feel like, um, uh... More recently in life, I had a conversation with a person about... And I don't want to get too into it. I... Because it's, it's whatever. But about like, um... Why I feel a certain way about society that I do. And I said, "Well, I feel like, at this point in my life, I care more about people than money." Meaning, uh, I'm willing to sacrifice more now than I ever have financially. Whether, I mean, I pay higher taxes. Or, you know, I'm living in California, the highest tax place. "Oh, why would you live in a place like that?" It's like... I just feel like, right now, I was given so much from this thing that I did.

• 1:01:54Andrew Santino?

  That I care more about giving back right now than I do about the retention of it. And maybe it's just a piece of my life and a piece of time. You call me stupid, that I live in this fucking state, in this city. You know, because that is the rhetoric. This, "Oh, you live in fucking California. You moved to a place where you don't got to get ripped off," and blah da da. And all the shit. And it's like, yeah, but I was blessed here so much that I feel like maybe it's part of my universal duty to try to do more, help younger comics, build a business, create more of a thing.

• 1:02:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:26Andrew Santino?

  Than I do about just making sure I can hold on to my little bag of fucking money.

• 1:02:32Speaker 05

  The group of twenty-seven people and what they'd kill you for.

• 1:02:35Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:02:35Speaker 05

  If I'm... I mean, I love Apple products, but if I'm Apple and I make it in Silicon Valley, you ever catch yourself going like, "Oh, America, beautiful, we have Apple." We have Tesla.

• 1:02:48Andrew Santino?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:02:49Speaker 05

  We have all these, we have these companies, like, we're fucking rocking it and changing the world. Then you're like, well, that's good, that's helping the economy. When you kind of peek behind the curtain and see just how much of that money is being, when you hear about offshore accounts.

• 1:03:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:05Speaker 05

  It's in, it's insane.

• 1:03:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:07Speaker 05

  And I.

• 1:03:07Andrew Santino?

  None of the money's even here.

• 1:03:08Speaker 05

  That's what I'm saying, is like, you're saying, it's in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Leonardo DiCaprio's character is like, you make it in Hollywood, you buy a house here in Hollywood, you live here.

• 1:03:20Andrew Santino?

  Here, yeah.

• 1:03:21Speaker 05

  And there is something to that, that goes back to our tribal days. Imagine if you were a hunter in this group of twenty seven, or it might be up to like forty, but it's around.

• 1:03:30Andrew Santino?

  I like the number twenty seven for some reason.

• 1:03:32Speaker 05

  I do too.

• 1:03:32Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna go with it.

• 1:03:33Speaker 05

  Let's go, let's stay with it.

• 1:03:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:35Speaker 05

  And you kill, you, you, you're hunting and you come across a field of three hundred elk and you kill all of them. It's amazing.

• 1:03:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:44Speaker 05

  These are hypnotized elk, they're not even running. And now you have so much food. And then you're like, I'm gonna keep this in an offshore salt refinery.

• 1:03:56Andrew Santino?

  On a boat.

• 1:03:56Speaker 05

  On a boat.

• 1:03:57Andrew Santino?

  Boat on a.

• 1:03:57Speaker 05

  That's what it is.

• 1:03:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:59Speaker 05

  And I'm not gonna tell the village about it.

• 1:04:01Andrew Santino?

  I don't want.

• 1:04:02Speaker 05

  Cause most people don't even know that the money made by a lot of these huge companies doesn't stay in our economy.

• 1:04:07Andrew Santino?

  Mostly doesn't.

• 1:04:08Speaker 05

  Isn't taxed.

• 1:04:09Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:04:09Speaker 05

  If you thought, it's, it's.

• 1:04:11Andrew Santino?

  And then they're the same people that tell people in small economies to keep it in your, they're like, you gotta keep, open this small business, we're gonna give you six thousand dollars to open a small business. Keep that money in your fucking community.

• 1:04:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, right.

• 1:04:23Andrew Santino?

  And you're like, but you didn't fucking do that.

• 1:04:24Speaker 05

  It's also, it's also marketing and, and we're really susceptible to that. It's like, Apple, if the corporation Apple was a car, it would be a Volkswagen bus. Like, you're kind of like.

• 1:04:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, cause it had the sixties, it had Steve Jobs, it had turtleneck, it had LSD, it has that like sort of groovy thing and it's like, no, that's one of the. You know, and I'm not trying to drag, I fucking have their shit. I'm just saying, there's a lot of things that we're asleep to and it's too uncomfortable to wake up to them. I'm not, I'm not fully awake to it. I'm the worst kind. I kind of know the nightmare and I'm still, new iPad. Like, I'm the worst.

• 1:05:03Andrew Santino?

  No, but I think we're all that way. As long as you acknowledge a piece of it, both things can exist. I can be aware that I'm getting ripped off, but also try to do my best to better whatever little things I can do. In the same conversation, I know

• 1:05:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:15Andrew Santino?

  that I pay a lot of money to live in Southern California and it's a very expensive place and it's unfortunate places when you're not earning enough money to get by. This place is fucking absurdly expensive.

• 1:05:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:26Andrew Santino?

  But also, I'm doing my best.

• 1:05:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:30Andrew Santino?

  I'm trying.

• 1:05:31Speaker 05

  It's beautiful. You know, I think what all do well, I, I just told somebody that I was like, this meant a lot to me. I don't know, little glimpses, little check-ins that you might be not completely full of shit. I'm a, I'm a mostly vegan. I cheat vegetarian all the time. I just had a drink of your fucking milk.

• 1:05:48Andrew Santino?

  That was vegan. That's vegan. Yeah, it's vague.

• 1:05:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I drank it without knowing that.

• 1:05:53Andrew Santino?

  You're a fucking lunatic. Dude, that's, slow down.

• 1:05:56Speaker 05

  I'm like the new Bobby Lee.

• 1:05:58Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 1:05:58Speaker 05

  Did this just become?

• 1:06:00Andrew Santino?

  He's on Ozempic now, so be careful.

• 1:06:02Speaker 05

  Oh, I didn't mean fat.

• 1:06:03Andrew Santino?

  Oh.

• 1:06:10Speaker 05

  He's too good to not laugh.

• 1:06:12Andrew Santino?

  He is and I'm very, and I'm very upset about it, to be honest with you.

• 1:06:14Speaker 05

  Why? Because he's shrinking?

• 1:06:16Andrew Santino?

  Because, no, he's not. And I've told, because I, I feel like it's a dangerous product.

• 1:06:20Speaker 05

  Oh, really?

• 1:06:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, come on.

• 1:06:22Speaker 05

  You mean the miracle drug that doesn't have that much testing that eliminates your appetite? And that the, the rich and powerful are gobbling up?

• 1:06:29Andrew Santino?

  I, I'm just so scared of it for his health and wellbeing. So I've told him many, many times, I will pay for, I said, the show, we will finance a trainer and a nutritionist because I care about you. I really, because he kept saying, I really want, he, off camera.

• 1:06:41Speaker 05

  OC.

• 1:06:42Andrew Santino?

  OC, he will say to me, we'll have real conversations at night where he'll talk about. Really truly wanted to get healthy and I'm like dude, okay, but like let's do it the organic way.

• 1:06:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:52Andrew Santino?

  Meaning like let's get someone to train you and and do the right thing because you can financially afford to have someone to help you get there.

• 1:06:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:58Andrew Santino?

  What a blessing.

• 1:06:58Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 1:06:59Andrew Santino?

  No, fuck that shit. I'm just gonna, I just want the, it's just, that's the, dude, Ozempic is America. It's so America, it's unbelievable. Like I want it right fucking now.

• 1:07:09Speaker 05

  Well, here's the.

• 1:07:10Andrew Santino?

  I'm not gonna plant the fucking tree. Buy me the full-size fucking tree.

• 1:07:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:14Andrew Santino?

  I want the full fucking tree. It's like, well, okay.

• 1:07:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:17Andrew Santino?

  There's gonna be some kind of compromise there.

• 1:07:19Speaker 05

  Well, it's I Am Legend. Remember in?

• 1:07:22Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I love that. I love that movie, by the way.

• 1:07:24Speaker 05

  The zombies come because they cure cancer.

• 1:07:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:26Speaker 05

  And I know that's kind, we'd all love a cure for cancer, but there's something about like.

• 1:07:30Andrew Santino?

  There's a concession. Yeah. There will be a concession.

• 1:07:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. But anyway, I was saying, I'm not a perfect vegan, but

• 1:07:38Speaker 05

  I try to eat plant-based as much as I can. But I was talking to somebody about it just last night and I was like, yeah, I think me being vegan has at least something to do with me wanting to be as different from my parents as I can be.

• 1:07:50Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 1:07:51Speaker 05

  You know what I mean?

• 1:07:52Andrew Santino?

  They're steak and potato guy. They're meat and potatoes people.

• 1:07:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, it doesn't even matter. They're not like hardcore steak every meal people, but I just wanted to be my own thing so badly.

• 1:08:01Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:08:01Speaker 05

  When I heard that veganism was a thing, I was like, well, that'll annoy them.

• 1:08:12Andrew Santino?

  Hate that I have water because I almost spit ticked that. That is exactly what you do. Well, that'll piss them right off.

• 1:08:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, that'll piss them off.

• 1:08:20Andrew Santino?

  Oh, this tattoo?

• 1:08:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:08:21Andrew Santino?

  I don't even fucking like tattoos, but I'm glad you do fucking hate it, don't you dad?

• 1:08:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's my veganism.

• 1:08:26Andrew Santino?

  What is that, an earring? What the fuck is that? Yeah.

• 1:08:28Speaker 05

  Well, I had a bit about how my dad was like, you're a vegan? I'm like vegan dad. He couldn't even say it. I like, I love it. I love it. If my dad was like vegan, oh wow, that's good. Makes sense, you know, eat more plants. That's good fiber. I'd be like, well, I'm not a vegan anymore.

• 1:08:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I don't like it.

• 1:08:44Speaker 05

  I want him to be like.

• 1:08:45Andrew Santino?

  But what if the response is this? Tell me you're a vegan. I'm your dad.

• 1:08:47Speaker 05

  I'm a vegan dad.

• 1:08:49Andrew Santino?

  Oh, all right. Whatever makes you happy. So yesterday we were at the, would that, would that piss you off or would that?

• 1:08:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, I wanted the.

• 1:08:55Andrew Santino?

  You want the reaction?

• 1:08:57Speaker 05

  And I forgot why I brought that up, but I'm trying, now I'm thinking, I just want us to be more honest. There's so much bullshit going on. I would say that like, because I'm, I grew up, the way for me to be safe was to fawn. Like, I would tell my parents that they were the best, and that was like how I, so I would go along with things and just kinda like not rock the boat. And I realize I'm doing that a lot of the time, like, sometimes I'll, I'll find out, I, I don't wanna go into specifics, but like, I'm a liberal, I'm a Democrat, and I find out.

• 1:09:27Andrew Santino?

  Cock!

• 1:09:29Speaker 05

  Thank you. Usually I do that myself. But I'll find out our, our stance on something.

• 1:09:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:35Speaker 05

  And it might not even be my feeling, but I'll just be like, eh, I guess that's, that's me.

• 1:09:42Speaker 05

  And what I'm trying to say is, I think that's happening on both sides.

• 1:09:45Andrew Santino?

  Of course it is.

• 1:09:46Speaker 05

  Here's a fairly safe example. If the liberals were exactly the way they are, everything is the same, except we're pro-gun and they're anti-gun. You know what I mean?

• 1:09:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:59Speaker 05

  Like, would I be like, yeah, you know, the Second Amendment, you know what I mean, like?

• 1:10:03Andrew Santino?

  You would.

• 1:10:04Speaker 05

  If that's what got me love, safety, and acceptance?

• 1:10:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:09Speaker 05

  I'm just saying.

• 1:10:10Andrew Santino?

  But that's hap, that is both sides, that's not.

• 1:10:12Speaker 05

  That is both sides!

• 1:10:13Andrew Santino?

  That's not just because, that's not liberals.

• 1:10:15Speaker 05

  No, it's humans!

• 1:10:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's humans. We wanna feel like we're a part of the group. In fact, uh.

• 1:10:19Speaker 05

  And you want love, safety, and acceptance?

• 1:10:21Andrew Santino?

  Sure. Well, you, also, we love, this twenty-seven people, we love tribalism, we love being a part of a fucking group. It's like such a cool thing, right?

• 1:10:31Speaker 05

  Yeah!

• 1:10:32Andrew Santino?

  And that's why we're obsessed with exclusivity, right? A private, pri, ooh, a private school, private club, like, we love to be a part of a thing, it makes us feel, it's why you see videos on TikTok of people living these like lavish lives on the internet, who truly aren't really living those lives. But they want to be a part of that fucking thing so bad.

• 1:10:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:10:50Andrew Santino?

  So they do the thing that all the other people do, even if they fucking hate it. You'll see these interviews sometimes at rallies, liberals or Republicans, I don't give a fuck who it is. And they'll talk about how they don't really like one of the things that the party likes.

• 1:11:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:11:04Andrew Santino?

  But they will stand by it.

• 1:11:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:11:06Andrew Santino?

  And I don't know why we can't get to a place when you go, why can't you just go, yeah, you know, I'm a Republican.

• 1:11:11Speaker 05

  It ruins everything.

• 1:11:12Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:11:12Speaker 05

  It's the guy at the baseball game wearing both hats. And by the way.

• 1:11:16Andrew Santino?

  He's wearing a hat of one team and a jersey of the other one?

• 1:11:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:11:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:19Speaker 05

  I, I.

• 1:11:20Andrew Santino?

  But that's literally who I am.

• 1:11:21Speaker 05

  Please don't misunderstand that I understand the argument for gun control and I'm all for that. I'm just trying to make a bigger picture.

• 1:11:27Andrew Santino?

  No, no, we're, we're saying from a broad sense. We're not saying gun. I'm just saying.

• 1:11:30Speaker 05

  I don't want to make one issue, but I, when I see somebody with a MAGA hat, which I did recently.

• 1:11:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:35Speaker 05

  I live in an area where it's mixed politically and I actually kind of love it. And I'll see somebody in MAGA hat because it gives me, it affords me opportunities to have that like initial. I don't mean like just to make America. It was like fucking M A G A, like a huge.

• 1:11:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:49Speaker 05

  Very aggressive one. And then, you know, I have to go, that person, I've said this a million times, but I'll say it as many times as I can. I always go, if I were them, I'd be them. And I've made this point before, but it's one of the most compassion increasing and, and peace inducing.

• 1:12:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:07Speaker 05

  Statements. I go, they're them. And if I lived every day that they had lived.

• 1:12:14Andrew Santino?

  I'd be them.

• 1:12:15Speaker 05

  I'd be them.

• 1:12:16Andrew Santino?

  Correct.

• 1:12:16Speaker 05

  And it's not just a theory. We know it's true because they're them.

• 1:12:21Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:12:23Speaker 05

  And I, I, it's hard to talk about this because things are so touchy. But if I move to, I don't even want to say a place, but if I moved to a more rural area where it was a, a different way.

• 1:12:34Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:12:35Speaker 05

  How long before I would just, you know, start shifting a little bit at the diner, looking a little, looking at things a little bit more. Just like whatever it might be. But, and we know this goes the other way as well, because if you take someone, uh, who's from, who ca- again, let's just say.

• 1:12:55Andrew Santino?

  Give it, no, just keep it broad.

• 1:12:56Speaker 05

  From an area that's more conservative.

• 1:12:59Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:12:59Speaker 05

  They moved to Manhattan. I'm friends with people like this. It's a cliche. What's going to happen? They're going to become more liberal.

• 1:13:06Andrew Santino?

  Well, they slowly slide into that thing, of course.

• 1:13:08Speaker 05

  Of cour- and I'm saying it would go both ways and there's a humility to that.

• 1:13:12Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:13:12Speaker 05

  I go there, I'm gonna become more that way. They come there. Suddenly you know a lot more trans people, you know a lot more gay people, you know a lot more minorities, whatever it might be.

• 1:13:21Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:13:21Speaker 05

  Your politics change. I go there, suddenly it's a different, whatever. You're gonna shift. So can we just take ourselves a little less seriously and stop thinking that you're not really? You want love, acceptance, support, community. You wanna, you don't, we're pack animals. You don't wanna be ostracized.

• 1:13:39Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:13:39Speaker 05

  And, you know, that's why I like the, if my party was exactly what it was, but it felt differently about this one issue.

• 1:13:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you would also align with it that way.

• 1:13:47Speaker 05

  Because I can see both sides of most issues.

• 1:13:50Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:13:50Speaker 05

  And I could see myself just as easily being like, well, you know, you know what I mean?

• 1:13:56Andrew Santino?

  I do that all the time.

• 1:13:56Speaker 05

  Because I, it's like, we don't care that much about outer space because you can't fuck it or eat it. We just want love and comfort and happiness, more than anything.

• 1:14:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:08Speaker 05

  And I feel like, I grew up with parents that I just like, I don't believe any of your political values. You just don't wanna rock the boat and you wanna fit in.

• 1:14:16Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:14:16Speaker 05

  It's like American Psycho. It's like, why do you still work there? Your dad owns the company and goes, because I want to fit in.

• 1:14:23Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:14:23Speaker 05

  And I'm like, that's, if we're being honest, a lot of us.

• 1:14:27Andrew Santino?

  That's mo- I would say.

• 1:14:28Speaker 05

  Most of us.

• 1:14:29Andrew Santino?

  I would even argue, say, ninety-nine point five percent of us.

• 1:14:32Speaker 05

  And none of us are saying it.

• 1:14:34Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:14:35Speaker 05

  Cause it makes the whole thing fall apart. But if you're at a Yankee game and you're like, the Red Sox? You're ruining all of it.

• 1:14:42Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 1:14:43Speaker 05

  But at least, you know, ease up a little bit.

• 1:14:46Andrew Santino?

  You, we, I, you, you do, I do this in small ways. I spend like a, I spend a month in the south. I have a twang in my voice where I say, you'll accidentally hear yourself say y'all.

• 1:14:55Speaker 05

  Dude.

• 1:14:55Andrew Santino?

  It's like, you just will do it.

• 1:14:56Speaker 05

  Is from, was born in Texas. When we went there, I'm hanging out with her family.

• 1:15:03Speaker 05

  You know, one of her, I guess it's one of her uncles, he has a concealed carry. I'm just talking to him about it. I'm like, so, like, you're allowed to have, like, just ask him gun questions?

• 1:15:12Andrew Santino?

  And you're kind of getting interested in it. You're like, oh, it's kind of great.

• 1:15:14Speaker 05

  I'm just trying to love him. I'm like, have you ever, oh, wow, are you ever worried someone might take it? He's like, well, I'll think about that. And we're just chatting. It's like we're just fishing.

• 1:15:22Andrew Santino?

  How funny. He's like, go try to take it right now. See what happens.

• 1:15:24Speaker 05

  See what happens.

• 1:15:27Speaker 05

  And we were at a restaurant, and I threw out my first y'all, and it felt so good.

• 1:15:33Andrew Santino?

  Oh, god, y'all feels fucking phenomenal.

• 1:15:35Speaker 05

  Y'all is the fucking massage for your mouth from the inside.

• 1:15:39Andrew Santino?

  Y'all.

• 1:15:40Speaker 05

  Y'all.

• 1:15:40Andrew Santino?

  It's smooth, yeah. It's a word we should all be able to adopt, although we're so weird about it.

• 1:15:44Speaker 05

  I think I was asking somebody if they were using a chair.

• 1:15:47Andrew Santino?

  Y'all using that chair?

• 1:15:48Speaker 05

  Y'all done with this?

• 1:15:48Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god, is that perfect?

• 1:15:50Speaker 05

  Are you guys done with this? What am I, a fucking narc?

• 1:15:53Andrew Santino?

  Fuck out of here, cop.

• 1:15:54Speaker 05

  Y'all done with this? It felt so good in that I got away with it. It's like being in England and getting away with a cheers.

• 1:16:00Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah, or, or, or, or in France. I remember walking by and I go, oh, pardon, whoops. And I said it, and the guy goes, oh, yeah. And I was like, he, he thinks I was...

• 1:16:12Speaker 05

  That's a Spanish permiso.

• 1:16:14Andrew Santino?

  Permiso, permiso, permiso. It feels so good for some reason. It feels so fucking good.

• 1:16:20Speaker 05

  They think I speak fluent.

• 1:16:22Andrew Santino?

  We want to fit in.

• 1:16:23Speaker 05

  We want to be one.

• 1:16:24Andrew Santino?

  I want to be one. I want to fit into the fucking, I want to feel like we're all in this thing.

• 1:16:28Speaker 05

  That's why when a waitress calls you honey.

• 1:16:31Andrew Santino?

  Honey, poof, holy shit.

• 1:16:33Speaker 05

  Because, look.

• 1:16:34Andrew Santino?

  Divorce my wife and move in with her. Honey bear.

• 1:16:37Speaker 05

  There's a Rumi poem about how we're in the womb of God and we're playing footsie. And that's, that's ultimate reality, is we know we're, to make it a little less woo woo.

• 1:16:47Andrew Santino?

  No, that woo woo is good.

• 1:16:48Speaker 05

  Father Greg Boyle, who is a hero of mine, he runs Homeboy Industries, consider donating it.

• 1:16:53Andrew Santino?

  I know it very well. They're fantastic. Yeah.

• 1:16:56Speaker 05

  So, Homeboy, he has this great line where he goes, the problem is we've forgotten we belong to each other. And when a waitress calls you honey, even if she doesn't, or if a black woman, I don't mean to be funny, but if she calls you baby.

• 1:17:07Andrew Santino?

  Come on, let's be real. It feels so fucking good.

• 1:17:09Speaker 05

  It's different from a white woman calling you baby. It's different.

• 1:17:13Andrew Santino?

  It just doesn't work when a white woman...

• 1:17:14Speaker 05

  Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's a specific black waitress that goes, you good, baby? And you're like, boo. Maybe it's a southern thing. Maybe it could be black or white in the south. But for my experience, most of my baby, most of my baby ladies.

• 1:17:26Andrew Santino?

  Most of my baby ladies are black women. All my black women are baby ladies.

• 1:17:30Speaker 05

  How is this impression finding you? Text us. We don't know. You know and we don't know.

• 1:17:37Andrew Santino?

  But those little things go a long way because they do make you feel warm.

• 1:17:40Speaker 05

  Their winks.

• 1:17:41Andrew Santino?

  Their winks. Their winks without doing it. Yeah, that's a, that is a physical, that is a verbal wink and if, and your physical changes. You cut, you kinda, you drop your shoulders, you go, I love, I love her.

• 1:17:52Speaker 05

  It's a gift you can give and it's so easy and it's so free. But it speaks to, I think, a very deep, universal truth that we are one and that we belong to each other and we are each other, quite literally.

• 1:18:04Andrew Santino?

  Petey, I love you. I want to thank you for coming on this show.

• 1:18:07Speaker 05

  Ozempic.com.

• 1:18:08Andrew Santino?

  It means the world to me. Every time I talk to you, I learn something, I gain something. I mean that. I get something out of it. And then you, you get a little goofy because you get nervous that I get so serious. You do this every fucking time.

• 1:18:19Speaker 05

  Do I?

• 1:18:20Andrew Santino?

  You do. You do. You can't sit in as long as I can sit in it, see?

• 1:18:25Speaker 05

  No, I can't.

• 1:18:25Andrew Santino?

  Because my parents, my dad went to prison.

• 1:18:27Speaker 05

  Did he?

• 1:18:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:28Speaker 05

  I forgot about that.

• 1:18:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:30Speaker 05

  I'm glad your thing's better. Not trying to bring that back up.

• 1:18:33Andrew Santino?

  It's so much better.

• 1:18:34Speaker 05

  And Bobby's a weird one.

• 1:18:36Andrew Santino?

  Well, I'm gonna, I, I, I'm gonna end that friendship soon. The show will continue, but we won't talk anymore. We end this show the same way. And please, by the way, go watch Petey's podcast because you know it's fantastic. I've done it a few times. Uh, you did. You did make it weird.

• 1:18:51Speaker 05

  You made it weird.

• 1:18:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm saying you did make it weird last time I was there.

• 1:18:54Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do regularly. I live up to the name of it.

• 1:18:57Andrew Santino?

  You really do.

• 1:18:58Speaker 05

  It's often me.

• 1:18:58Andrew Santino?

  Please, please, uh, please watch and listen to You Made It Weird. Are you on tour right now? Do you have anything to give to the kids?

• 1:19:02Speaker 05

  They'd be very happy that I'm plugging, uh, it's just come out probably when this comes out, uh, the best Christmas pageant ever. It's a family Christmas movie that I'm in.

• 1:19:11Andrew Santino?

  It's Hallmark.

• 1:19:12Speaker 05

  It's not Hallmark.

• 1:19:13Andrew Santino?

  But it sounds like it, doesn't it?

• 1:19:15Speaker 05

  It does.

• 1:19:15Andrew Santino?

  What is it on? Amazon?

• 1:19:16Speaker 05

  No, it's a, it's a, it's the first, I almost said that defensively, but it's the first like, I don't wanna say real-

• 1:19:22Andrew Santino?

  It's in the theaters.

• 1:19:23Speaker 05

  It's a theatrical movie.

• 1:19:24Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:19:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:25Andrew Santino?

  Well, you should lead with that. The theatrical release is a big, because nobody gets them anymore now.

• 1:19:28Speaker 05

  I know.

• 1:19:28Andrew Santino?

  They don't exist.

• 1:19:29Speaker 05

  No, I know.

• 1:19:29Andrew Santino?

  When somebody goes, "I did a movie," you could be like, "It was the greatest movie I've ever done." My assumption is like, "Well, that's, where is it? Where's it on?"

• 1:19:35Speaker 05

  I don't, I'm also in Woman of the Hour, Anna Kendrick's wonderful movie, which is awesome.

• 1:19:38Andrew Santino?

  Jesus Christ, someone's famous. And that's on Netflix. I can't catch any fucking work this guy's getting fucking work.

• 1:19:42Speaker 05

  And we had a nice premiere for that and it was awesome and I, I think that movie is phenomenal.

• 1:19:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:46Speaker 05

  So I'd like to plug that. But I know the press team, I'm going to New York tomorrow for this, so they'll be happy to say, "Please watch the best Christmas pageant ever. It's in theaters now."

• 1:19:55Andrew Santino?

  The best Christmas pageant ever's in theaters right now.

• 1:19:58Speaker 05

  It's very heartwarming.

• 1:19:59Andrew Santino?

  And go to peteholmes.com to go get all the tickets and information that you need to know to see him wherever he is, because he's one of the funniest touring stand-up comedians that I've ever seen.

• 1:20:06Speaker 05

  Trying to sell out the second show at the, at the Aladdin in Portland.

• 1:20:08Andrew Santino?

  Portland, love that. By the way, love that theater.

• 1:20:10Speaker 05

  Because we're gonna film that there, so please get tickets.

• 1:20:12Andrew Santino?

  September 20th?

• 1:20:13Speaker 05

  We sold out the first one. I think the second one still has some tickets, so go to peteholmes.com.

• 1:20:16Andrew Santino?

  What, November 20th, you mean?

• 1:20:18Speaker 05

  December 20th.

• 1:20:19Andrew Santino?

  So, October 20th, please go.

• 1:20:21Speaker 05

  No, December 20th.

• 1:20:22Andrew Santino?

  All right, January 20th, he'll be there.

• 1:20:23Speaker 05

  No, December 20th.

• 1:20:25Andrew Santino?

  Just go to the website and you'll see it, in Aladdin, Portland.

• 1:20:27Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:20:28Andrew Santino?

  Come out and see your boy. Please support him. We end the show the same way. Look in that, uh, look in that camera and, uh, one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready.

• 1:20:36Speaker 05

  Clean your own cum gutters.

• 1:20:40Speaker 04

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Who's that creature in the ginger beard? It's dirty ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

• 1:20:53Speaker 06

  You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers, oh hell no. The whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.