Ep 273: Adam Carolla

Mark and Sam welcome Adam Carolla and it’s an all-timer. They dive into vintage Porsches, Seinfeld snubs, jerk-off techniques, nanny scandals, and the rich-man-poor-man bit that refuses to die. Plus, boutique hotel bathroom horror stories, public toilet paper rage, and why you should never ask someone to guess how much your sweater costs. Sponsored by: Get 20% off your first order at Lucy https://Lucy.co/DRUNK — promo code DRUNK Try QUO for free + 20% off your first 6 months https://quo.com/WMBD Get 60% off your first box from Tempo https://TempoMeals.com/DRUNK Start selling with Shopify for $1/month https://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBDMerch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #AdamCarolla #Lucy #QUO #TempoMeals #Shopify #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Mark Normand?

  Hey folks, we're here. We might be drunk. We're back. We got Adam Carolla.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, good to be here.

• 0:12Mark Normand?

  Legend of the radio airwaves.

• 0:14Sam Morril?

  We heard that you're a Scotch guy.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 0:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 0:18Sam Morril?

  Are we doing an afternoon Scotch?

• 0:21Speaker 01

  I'll take a taste if you got a product.

• 0:23Sam Morril?

  We got, I mean, we got a ton of shit.

• 0:25Mark Normand?

  Some good stuff here.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Well, you guys got a rye, right?

• 0:27Sam Morril?

  You wanna drink our stuff?

• 0:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 0:29Sam Morril?

  Alright, let's do three Bodega Cats on the Rock.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:32Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 0:33Sam Morril?

  Is that, by the way, is that a California Split screensaver? Yes, sir.

• 0:36Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 0:36Sam Morril?

  You fucking nerd.

• 0:39Sam Morril?

  That's a good movie.

• 0:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Elliot Gould.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:42Mark Normand?

  Leading Jew.

• 0:43Sam Morril?

  He was weird on your show, right?

• 0:44Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. That was the craziest interview ever. And I don't know if it was some sort of, like, art installment he was doing, like, on stage. Like, I don't, I interviewed him, I mean, people can go back and listen to it. Just single-word answers, combative, weird, and onstage in front of a live audience.

• 1:07Speaker 03

  I was at that taping.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  It was.

• 1:09Speaker 03

  I was in the audience.

• 1:10Mark Normand?

  You were there?

• 1:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  Weird, right?

• 1:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was at a restaurant, right?

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, if you, if you have, look, if you have a low threshold for discomfort, then it was really tough. But if you thought, if you think weird is kinda cool, that was weird.

• 1:26Mark Normand?

  It was awkward. It was like performance art.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was.

• 1:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was wonderful.

• 1:30Sam Morril?

  He's getting, is, do you think he has all his marbles up there?

• 1:33Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:33Mark Normand?

  I've heard him on other interviews. He's sharp, he's funny, witty. I think he's got a beef.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  Was he forced to be that?

• 1:38Speaker 01

  I don't, okay, but you guys know this as well as anybody. Some people, if they don't have a magnificent sense of humor, like, he's a really good comedic actor, but he probably doesn't have the chops to just be up on stage in a live situation. So what they do is they pick a kinda weird, negative thing, which is, like, think about morning DJs who have nothing to say.

• 2:04Mark Normand?

  They're mean.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  They're mean. Like, they'll go, "Oh, did you, did you..."

• 2:07Mark Normand?

  That's great.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  "You see that Marty Magnificent movie? Lame."

• 2:12Speaker 01

  Lame dude, so lame.

• 2:14Sam Morril?

  That's so true.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  So lame, bro. And then they'll find, and they'll go like, hey Scooter, Scooter liked it. Lame, lame, that guy's lame. Yeah, there's nothing, when you don't have anything to say, you just say something negative.

• 2:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  And all of a sudden, you have a personality.

• 2:32Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  You just, you can, you guys have had those guests who go, I'm just going to disagree with everything you say.

• 2:39Sam Morril?

  Al Franken.

• 2:42Mark Normand?

  And David Cross was tough too.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  And I'm gonna disagree with everything you say, so it seems like I have something to say. But really, all I'm doing is shooting down whatever ideas you have.

• 2:51Sam Morril?

  It's like a girl on a date who's nagging you.

• 2:52Mark Normand?

  I was thinking the exact same thing.

• 2:54Sam Morril?

  They're nagging you and you're like, no, I, they're like, you're a comedian, I'm also a human being.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Right. I'm always like, nigga, please.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Stop already, blonde lady. Oh, come on, what did you guys think of that?

• 3:07Mark Normand?

  It was the same with, gee, that's quite a pour there, Peters, my god.

• 3:11Sam Morril?

  It's noon, dude, what the hell?

• 3:12Mark Normand?

  Fuck, of course, he's the guy who doesn't drink.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 3:18Mark Normand?

  Ah, it's a spicy rye.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  That's nice, spicy, yeah, good.

• 3:22Sam Morril?

  I like a spice.

• 3:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I would say the same with girls with dating apps. When I was a single man, they'd be like, uh, there's an app called Bumble, and they have to initiate. And they were horrible at it, every opening line was horrific. And I was like, if I open with this, I'd be a virgin. You know, they'd be like, how's your Tuesday? That's what you got? Come on.

• 3:41Sam Morril?

  What, I gotta stop using that as my opener.

• 3:44Speaker 01

  Why is, uh, why is your dating app named Bumble? Cause that Bumble sort of sounds like, you know, you're trying to do a load of laundry, but you trip over the hamper. And it feels like vaudeville.

• 3:57Mark Normand?

  Sounds like fumble.

• 3:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:59Mark Normand?

  Like you're blowing it.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, they'd go bumbling, stumbling, rumbling.

• 4:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:02Sam Morril?

  It also makes you think of like Buzz Off.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:05Sam Morril?

  It makes you think like, leave me alone.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's either buzz off, or I can't make it down this flight of stairs. Without sliding on my ass. Either one is bad, right?

• 4:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:16Sam Morril?

  No, it's, dating apps are tough, dude, I mean, they're not, cause you feel like you have all the options in the world. And then you're just like, I'll figure it out, and then you just end up with nothing.

• 4:24Mark Normand?

  Yes, I would say the internet's the same way, you know, we're like, hey, we've made this thing to connect all the people and come together and now we all hate each other.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:32Sam Morril?

  And you also write people off more quickly. You're like, yeah, that was a weird angle of her face. You're like, those earrings are too big. I can't be with someone with earrings that big.

• 4:39Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  You know, they always say too much choice makes people miserable. Like they, they go, if you are gonna buy a TV set and you have four choices, you're happy. But if you have 28 choices, you're miserable because you think you got the wrong one.

• 4:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  And this endless scrolling of women who are available, maybe that makes you miserable. Like maybe we should just grow up, you know, like a John Cougar song and have the girl Sally next door. She was my neighbor and she was my high school sweetheart. Now I'm fucking her friend, but. But just maybe, maybe it's all, it's, it, the problem is the possibilities. There's too many. Like you just, back in the day, you just dated whoever lived closest to you.

• 5:24Sam Morril?

  In your orbit and it was kind of safer probably.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  And your best friend was the guy magically lived across the street.

• 5:28Mark Normand?

  Right. How convenient. Also internet porn. I'm sitting there going, ah, she's not perfect enough. She's not right. Da, da, da. That's not dirty enough. That's not. And I'm now in a rabbit hole and a butthole for six hours. I never even finished.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:42Mark Normand?

  Before you find porn under a rock and you were like, hey, it's a fat chicks on blacks.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  I could, I could get by with a raft box. A box that had a raft in it that had a hot chick floating in a bikini.

• 5:54Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Across the pool. That was enough.

• 5:56Sam Morril?

  By the way, you just, you just said you didn't finish. There's nothing sadder than getting older and jerking off midway through being like, eh, fuck it.

• 6:03Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 6:04Sam Morril?

  That's the saddest moment ever. You're like, I'll just get a sandwich instead.

• 6:07Mark Normand?

  No, yeah, I can't do that.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Well, the worst is like you pull a calf muscle and have to limp off the field, you know what I mean? Like take yourself out. Go under the tent.

• 6:17Mark Normand?

  Do an army crawl.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  Locker room. He may be back.

• 6:20Mark Normand?

  The funny thing is that's how my wife is with sex with me. She's like, all right, we're good.

• 6:23Sam Morril?

  We're good?

• 6:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 6:24Sam Morril?

  You get the Apollo pull off?

• 6:26Mark Normand?

  I get the double tap like, uh, like McGregor.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  You get the sandman coming there with the broom. Big Kane, oh yeah, Big Daddy Kane. Yeah, I don't know, it's even, I, I think the, that sad or older part of masturbation, rather than, I mean, getting halfway into it and then just kind of packing it up is sad, but Yeah. Thinking about it and never even doing it is even a sadder testimonial. Like I've had a, tonight's the night, bro. Yeah. And then like some point I fall asleep on the TV. Right, that's a tall order.

• 6:57Sam Morril?

  It's also sad when you're in a hotel on the road and you're jerking off for like an hour fifteen.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying.

• 7:02Sam Morril?

  And you're just like, like, I gotta finish this.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  You gotta finish what you start. But you're saying, Mark's saying, the too many possibilities means you think you're missing out on something better. Also, guys, guys beat off like they're going to the electric chair the next morning, you know, this is gonna be my last dance, you know what I mean? And that's, we do it like that, you know, we do it, I think we beat off like women order. Like women go out to dinner and she's like, what, what's in the salad dressing? Oh, okay, so could I get the entree turned into a special and turn into, and then you're like, at some point you just go, we'll eat again. Right. We'll eat again. Right. We're gonna eat tomorrow. This is not your last meal, just fucking order something and let's go. Right, but I think guys beat off that way.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  It's like, this is the last time I may ever beat off and I want everything to be perfect. Perfect, we're like Meg Ryan. I'm gonna light a candle. Yes. Put some Enya on. Yes, and a towel down. No generic lube for this hombre, I'm going Nivea.

• 8:05Sam Morril?

  Do you guys do lube every time?

• 8:07Speaker 01

  No, dry.

• 8:08Sam Morril?

  I go dry too, lube is fancy.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  We're men. It's a fool's errand, the lube, like, I'm, I'm gonna have a talk with my son, which is, don't get married to the lube. It's gonna be a life, it'll follow you around. I'd rather you get in, can't you get in a fentanyl? I'd rather you get in a fentanyl rather than lube.

• 8:26Sam Morril?

  At least people will see him on the street again.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  Lube, lube, well, first off, there's the, now, now you're going camping for three days and there's no lube, and so you gotta go with the spit hand. That's number, that's number one. Or you gotta use some weird bark or sap. Number two, it is a, it's a, it's a trail. People, you know, you will at some point, the stepmom's gonna go, I just bought a jumbo sized drum of Jergens and it's like, I bought it two days ago, it's gone. It's forensics now. It's, yeah, we're destined for lube. This point like, no, it's a tell.

• 9:03Mark Normand?

  Right, David tell.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  And the other thing I would like to teach my son, or hopefully he's listening is, uh, let's get the position right. You gotta be able to squeeze one off standing up.

• 9:15Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  When you can do it standing up with no lube, the world is your oyster. You're literally beat off like walking down an alley.

• 9:25Sam Morril?

  You'll never get shin splints if you work these right here.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  No, fucking merit to the lube.

• 9:30Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  Stretched out position.

• 9:31Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  By the way, you will get busted because you can beat off in the shower. No one ever, no one throws the shower, you know.

• 9:39Sam Morril?

  Shower is tough though, because you get, once you get wet, it's hard to get a grip.

• 9:41Mark Normand?

  The friction is off.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  No, no, the shower jack is tough, but what I'm saying is, is.

• 9:46Mark Normand?

  I get it.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  When you lay down on top of that comforter and get the lube out, that's an easy bust.

• 9:53Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  You're super vulnerable.

• 9:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  At that point. If you're standing, there's always like plausible deniability. No, I was taking a piss. Come on, give me the privacy here with a boner.

• 10:02Mark Normand?

  That should be part of that, you know, that US thing where every kid has to do 10 pushups and nine situps. It should be, you should be able to jerk off standing.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Arnold Schwarzenegger's the ambassador, like, you gotta fuck a fat nanny.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  I know what I love about Schwarzenegger. There's only one, please, there's only one. We got two of it. There's only one. Picture of that maid he was banging.

• 10:28Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  There's only one and she's in a pirate outfit.

• 10:32Mark Normand?

  No, what is she, Somali?

• 10:35Sam Morril?

  Jesus, no way.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  I swear to God, it's on, it's, it's, it must be taken on Halloween, but you can put her.

• 10:41Mark Normand?

  I hope.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  Put her in. It's awesome.

• 10:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, she's a, quite a ghoul.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Find the pirate.

• 10:48Sam Morril?

  She's the exact opposite of Maria Shriver. That's why he did it.

• 10:52Mark Normand?

  Of cour- and it's a woman in your house. She's in the house.

• 10:54Sam Morril?

  You have Sprite every day. One day you'd need Dr. Pepper.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, women don't get that.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  There.

• 10:59Mark Normand?

  Hey, the R.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Yeah. And we're, we're the worst society in the world because our society is like, uh, you know, we're pissed at him, not, not because he stepped out on his wife, but because she doesn't look good in her pirate outfit.

• 11:16Mark Normand?

  A vast ye may he.

• 11:17Sam Morril?

  The fact that he didn't pull out too, just fucking.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  Arrogant.

• 11:21Mark Normand?

  You know what her pirate name is? A Puss in Boots.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  He's got a lot of, you know, testosterone.

• 11:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Through those veins, you know what I mean? He's just a dude. And by the way, I would, I would- You can't really deny that one. No. I would, but I would say to Maria Shriver, I would go, look, the whole reason this guy's Mr. Olympia seven times and has a crazy action hero career, that's the same guy who fucked the pirate lady-

• 11:48Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  In your house, and unclear whether she dressed like a pirate every day, or that was just an isolated incident, I don't know. But the whole point is, I would go, this is what comes with this, pardon the pun. Like, if you want to marry this guy, great. He's gonna make millions, he's gonna be box office star, he's gonna have, you know, Mr. Olympia, but he is occasionally gonna fuck somebody else who wanders into this house, because that's who he is.

• 12:13Speaker 03

  Mark, you've been nanny now, right?

• 12:15Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 12:15Speaker 03

  What's that situation like?

• 12:16Mark Normand?

  I got a brown lady, no English, and it's perfect.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  So she can't rat on you.

• 12:23Mark Normand?

  Well, anybody can do this. This is universal. But, but yeah, she's a nice lady, she's unattractive, it's perfect.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  You know who the- She's a listener of the pod, by the way. She's a big fan. The ultimate nanny was Tiger Woods' nanny, or the woman who was a nanny- who then became his wife, like- Oh, Elan? Yeah. She was the nanny? She was a nanny. Swedish, though.

• 12:46Mark Normand?

  No!

• 12:47Speaker 01

  Nanny, and then Tiger married her, but the whole point is, is-

• 12:51Mark Normand?

  What?

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Can you imagine having this piece of ass walk in your house? Like, like, like- It's like if the movie Parasite worked out. Like, what would you do, Mark, if, if, you know, your wife just goes, "Hey, I got a nanny, she's highly qualified, blah blah", and this piece of blonde ass walks through the door? Would you step up and just go, "Listen, I'm gonna just nip this right now"?

• 13:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she's fired.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Fucking way this is gonna, at some point, your wife's gonna go out of town or something-

• 13:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  You're gonna find yourself sitting there- Standing, jerking off in the sink every time you're going to the kitchen? Be good, Mark.

• 13:28Mark Normand?

  No lube.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but- It would totally change the dynamics.

• 13:33Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  She'd be like, "Do you want an omelet?" You'd go, "Me? I'll make you an omelet. What do you like?"

• 13:38Mark Normand?

  It feels like a trap in a cartoon where there's a ham sandwich under a claw box, you know, that falls down. Like, this is obviously an entrapment.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  She's somebody, she was somebody's nanny.

• 13:48Mark Normand?

  That's crazy.

• 13:50Sam Morril?

  I didn't know that that's how it started. That's crazy.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  How secure was the wife of the guy who, who found this person and said, "She'll be our nanny."

• 14:00Sam Morril?

  So he was married before her and then cheated with her?

• 14:04Speaker 01

  I, no, I, he, I'm, all I'm saying was, is her job was nanny when she came here from Sweden.

• 14:12Sam Morril?

  Oh, okay.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Her job was nanny.

• 14:15Sam Morril?

  Oh, I thought it was his nanny.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  Sorry, sorry. I wasn't, I wasn't clear, or you guys weren't fucking listening. One of the two. But either way, uh, she was a nanny.

• 14:25Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  And, and a nanny so hot that Tiger Woods would pluck you out.

• 14:30Sam Morril?

  He adopted a kid just to be like, "Can you come over?"

• 14:32Speaker 01

  Come over. Yeah, I need a nanny.

• 14:34Mark Normand?

  If a movie made her the nanny, you'd go, "Well, this movie's ridiculous. This is too over the top."

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, we don't need Megyn Kelly's the nanny.

• 14:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna buy that shit.

• 14:42Mark Normand?

  You know what he should've said? "What are you looking for, nanny? What are you looking for?" Four, got a four in there. Season 11.

• 14:49Sam Morril?

  There's not much you can do as a man because they don't really have male nannies.

• 14:53Mark Normand?

  Manies.

• 14:54Sam Morril?

  It's, it's very rare.

• 14:55Mark Normand?

  They used to have British men in sweaters who would come in and nanny, like Mr. Belvedere.

• 14:59Sam Morril?

  Mrs. Doubtfire is the only male, that's the only male nanny.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Mr. French from Family.

• 15:05Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 15:06Sam Morril?

  It's rare, though.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  They had Butler nanny.

• 15:08Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  Sort of guys, you know?

• 15:10Sam Morril?

  God, remember Arthur?

• 15:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, John Gieglood? Yeah, of course.

• 15:14Sam Morril?

  That's what you want. You want a sassy, sarcastic.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  I'll alert the media.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what you want. Yeah, so she comes here, she's a nanny for maybe multiple families, and then Tiger comes and plucks her up.

• 15:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Oh, wow, that's crazy. She, I think that's a work. She came to this country looking like that, going, "I'll be a nanny. I'll get in a guy's house, hopefully a celebrity slash athlete, and now I'm good to go."

• 15:44Sam Morril?

  Well, how did they meet? Can we look that up?

• 15:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'll look it up. But I think Schwarzenegger did the same thing. He came here from another country. He's gorgeous. He's like, "I'm going to marry her." But at least he made movies, he pumped iron, he became a governor. She's just a lady who's hot.

• 16:00Mark Normand?

  Which is the difference between men and women right there.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's all you need.

• 16:03Sam Morril?

  Well, Schwarzenegger certainly didn't start a good actor.

• 16:06Mark Normand?

  No, I didn't end one either.

• 16:09Sam Morril?

  But he's kinda good in a whatever, you know, like he's fun.

• 16:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's campy.

• 16:13Sam Morril?

  You watch those movies, like Kindergarten Cop, it's fucking fun.

• 16:16Mark Normand?

  It's fun.

• 16:16Sam Morril?

  True Lies is fun.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  Oh, so she worked as a nanny for a professional golfer.

• 16:22Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  Vic or whatever, and they met and won at a tournament, the British Open. Oh.

• 16:30Mark Normand?

  So she's a golf lady. She's in that world.

• 16:33Sam Morril?

  An au pair.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:35Mark Normand?

  Ah, that means they live there.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 16:37Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  So this guy.

• 16:39Mark Normand?

  This guy's a degenerate too.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  How, how secure is this guy's wife, or is she just a lesbian? That's one or the other. You're probably lesbian, right? Like I.

• 16:49Sam Morril?

  The, the talk is coming up, like, you think she's attractive? And you're like, no.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love, I love when you have to pretend.

• 16:54Sam Morril?

  What? Her?

• 16:55Speaker 01

  She's so, I mean, if you're into that sort of thing, like big tits and blonde, it's super hot.

• 16:59Sam Morril?

  If you're into Helen and Troy type thing, yeah, maybe she's okay.

• 17:02Mark Normand?

  Traditionally beautiful.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  Beautiful women. Wow, he brought her. He should, if he did not try to fuck the nanny, he deserves some sort of plaque.

• 17:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Right? Like his name needs to be etched in bronze somewhere, right?

• 17:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's a good point. Yeah, forget the, the cup.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:23Mark Normand?

  Get the guy that.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  Funny, she, his wife kinda looked like, like her.

• 17:27Mark Normand?

  I know. That's what I was thinking, like an older version.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  But that's plausible deniability, because you go, honey, I was drunk, I didn't have my glasses.

• 17:34Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 17:34Speaker 01

  I thought I was, your pussy smells the same. I, I didn't know.

• 17:37Mark Normand?

  It's a compliment. I thought she was you. You look the same.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:41Mark Normand?

  Swedish fish, yeah.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Well, that's a good, all right, here's a good question. Here's a good question for you guys.

• 17:47Mark Normand?

  Uh oh.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  In terms of look the same, and, and like porn. I got a friend who's pretty heavily into MILF porn.

• 17:55Mark Normand?

  I'm a fan.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  Okay, and, and he likes it real MILFy, like, you know, crow's feet and, you know, C-section scar and stuff like that. And he, not.

• 18:06Mark Normand?

  I want the sun to be there, that's how MILFy I want it.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  But if his wife catches him, he can go, well, you know, this is kinda you, you know what I mean?

• 18:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 18:16Speaker 01

  But if you like black and busty.

• 18:19Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  And that is the opposite of what your woman is.

• 18:23Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  And now, you, now there's an, an issue, right?

• 18:26Mark Normand?

  It is, yeah.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  That's, you're fantasizing about this and married to that, whereas if you're into MILF and they're somewhere in the ballpark of your actual woman, then there's, again, it's, I don't, you know, it's plausible deniability, you know, like, yeah, I think about you when I.

• 18:44Mark Normand?

  Right, no, I, I like that, cause one time I got caught jerking it by my dad, very embarrassing, but I was watching MILF porn, and he was like, what the hell?

• 18:52Sam Morril?

  You jerking off to your mom?

• 18:53Mark Normand?

  Well, I was like, hey, you get it, you're married to a lady, a mom.

• 18:57Sam Morril?

  I had the same thing, my dad found a DVD I had called Older Rod Riders, and he goes, what the fuck is this? And he, he was just, he was furious, it was like.

• 19:05Mark Normand?

  Why?

• 19:05Sam Morril?

  I don't know, I was, I was a kid, there was.

• 19:07Mark Normand?

  You're a natural boy.

• 19:07Sam Morril?

  He, he had DVDs back then, and that, it was that, and I had, I had a fat porn DVD.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  Ooh, wow.

• 19:13Sam Morril?

  We were, it was curiosity, I was like fucking 13.

• 19:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:16Sam Morril?

  So we'd, we'd, we'd hand it around the school, we had everything.

• 19:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, you took what you got.

• 19:20Sam Morril?

  We traded them like cards.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  I had, oh, my dad found a gay magazine in my room, and, so here's what it was, there was some, it was a little mag, it wasn't a magazine, it was like a magette or something, it's like a half a little thing, you know?

• 19:37Mark Normand?

  Easy.

• 19:37Sam Morril?

  I was gonna say something else.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Please, it was.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  No, it's like one of those things where you go to a high end car auction, they'll give you this thing and it go, oh, lot 26B Mercedes Benz. Like you get a little thing you can circle. So this thing was called Colt Roundup. Wow. Funny to me. And it was all dudes. They weren't doing anything. They were just kind of hanging around with their dicks out, right? But there were a couple of them that just had headshots. There's a guy named Clay who had puka shells. And it was like, I remember being 16 going, you think you're so hot, Clay? I don't get to see your dick? Is that what's going on here? That's the gayest part is just the headshot. I didn't throw it away because I took an oath to not throw away porn. Ah.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? And this technically was porn, even if it wasn't for me. So I just like, it was a goof.

• 20:29Sam Morril?

  You were a collector.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I just kept it as a goof. Like, like people will collect weird old, um, World War II paraphernalia and stuff. You go, were you a Nazi? It's like, no, no, I collect this weird stuff. It's historic. There's a weird.

• 20:43Sam Morril?

  We're not comparing gays to Nazis, by the way.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 20:46Sam Morril?

  But, but I do think it's hilarious.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  It's Nazis.

• 20:49Sam Morril?

  There's something hilarious out there. It is so much gayer to jerk off to a man's smile than just a nude man.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  I agree, I agree. That's what I'm saying. He's wearing like a Hawaiian shirt. His name is Clay. Oh, that's super gay. Right. But I took an oath not to throw away porn, so I kept it. And at some point my dad found it. And he never said anything, but I know he had to be thinking, okay, my son is like struggling. Right.

• 21:12Sam Morril?

  Do you think your dad would have been cool with it or no?

• 21:14Speaker 01

  My, my family's one of the rare families who wishes their son was gay. I can see that. My mom was like early woke. Right. And they loved saying, like my grandmother had gay friends. This is where AI is gonna get you.

• 21:30Sam Morril?

  I don't like that Mark's the top there. I don't like that I'm.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Hold on, let me stand up.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  You guys. All right, look at this. You guys all go get me a coffee, please, all of you? We got a couple of maquettes here.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  My, my mom and my grandma, but they were like early woke money. And so they loved the idea of their friend and he's gay.

• 21:56Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  Because it made them super progressive.

• 21:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  And tolerant and non judgmental. And they would have loved it if I was gay. They really would have.

• 22:05Mark Normand?

  Well, it's like you, you got yelled at for looking at porn. But you can't really yell at your kid for looking at gay porn because then you seem homophobic.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:12Mark Normand?

  So you have to kind of do like a, hey, you shouldn't be looking at that. But.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:16Mark Normand?

  You know, hey, live your life, whatever. So you gotta kind of.

• 22:19Sam Morril?

  Be a good parent. You're like, do you want to talk to me about something?

• 22:21Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:22Mark Normand?

  My parents didn't talk.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  No, I don't, I, I kind of did the don't ask, don't tell. Like, I was like the US military in the eighties with my kids. Like, whatever it is you're doing.

• 22:33Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  I just, I don't want to know about.

• 22:35Sam Morril?

  My mom talked too much. She was like.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  Oh, that's uncomfortable.

• 22:38Mark Normand?

  That's worse.

• 22:38Sam Morril?

  My mom's overprotective Jewish mother. I remember, I remember I, I kissed a boy when I was in second grade and I was like, mom, I think I'm gay. And she's like, you're not gay.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 22:46Sam Morril?

  She just knew. She's like, you're not, I just know you're not, my mom. She's like, I can tell. And I was like, oh, okay.

• 22:50Mark Normand?

  Damn, gaydar, strong.

• 22:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 22:52Mark Normand?

  It's hard with kids.

• 22:53Sam Morril?

  I was in all boys school. It was prison gay, basically.

• 22:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. No options.

• 22:58Sam Morril?

  He did no options. He was, he was the girliest of the bunch I chose.

• 23:01Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  We're all hairless back then. In my experience, I can't speak for all of them. There may be a couple of me and kids, but I, I haven't felt any up. I told my kids, look, I got boy, girl twins and like, I'm in LA. So there's like a lot of transitioning going on around. And I was like trying to think about it, like what, what would I do if somebody, you know, if my daughter said, I want to be the son and my son, you know, they transition. And I came up with a, like a sensible policy, I think. I think I would say, like, if my daughter said, I want to be a boy, I'd go, okay, but I have boy, girl twins.

• 23:43Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  That's the way I'm going to keep it. So I'd have to go to my son and go, hey, listen.

• 23:48Mark Normand?

  You're getting traded.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  I'm not buying any new clothes, but you guys are switching rooms.

• 23:52Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Sure. And sorry, boy, I know you have no interest. And this and your kind of collateral damage, but put the fucking dress on.

• 23:59Mark Normand?

  Do it for the family.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  Just tuck your junk. I brought some tape. Let's try this.

• 24:06Mark Normand?

  That's good. You know, if she switches, you gotta switch.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  You gotta switch. And then I still have boy, girl twins. And then if people ask, I go, yeah, yeah. I got the boy and the girl.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Then you have to teach your new son how to jerk off in the shower.

• 24:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Let's get to business.

• 24:23Sam Morril?

  You seem like you're pretty tight with your kids.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I have fun with my kids. They're 19.

• 24:28Mark Normand?

  Wow, is that right?

• 24:29Speaker 01

  I know, it's crazy. And they're good. Like, they're, they're, they're smart. They're kind of fun. And, you know, you'll, you'll see. When kids get a little, like, at some point, they turn into people and not kids, you know? And you can, you're gonna tell stories and have a laugh and, and all that, all, all that stuff. Yeah, they're like. They're nice. They're fun. They're cool, cool kids. My son's, you know, funny. They're both like pretty smart. You can bounce jokes off them and.

• 24:57Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  Like that. And it's kind of, it's kind of fun when your kids get to that point where you can actually. Like, when they're little and you go, well, they want to go out to dinner. You're like, oh, chicken fingers and talk about Pokemon.

• 25:10Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  It's gonna suck, you know? I'm staring at my phone the whole time. Because really, what are we talking about here?

• 25:17Mark Normand?

  That's gonna be the hardest part about being a pedophile.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Right. All the Pokemon talk and the chicken tenders.

• 25:24Sam Morril?

  You're just like, just get out of here. I'm not watching Peppa Pig.

• 25:26Mark Normand?

  Yes, Demon Hunters. Who cares?

• 25:29Speaker 01

  Explorer. All right, let's go.

• 25:30Mark Normand?

  Can we watch Deer Hunter?

• 25:31Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 25:32Mark Normand?

  For Christ's sake.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  So, but at a certain point, they turn into like adults, like contemporaries, you know? And you can go and you can talk and you can have like a laugh. And, and if they're smart and sort of interesting. They'll be interested in like stories and ideas and, you know, all, it's like going out with one of your friends versus the like. All right, here we go.

• 25:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 25:55Sam Morril?

  It's kind of patient.

• 25:56Mark Normand?

  Well, we had Seinfeld.

• 25:57Sam Morril?

  I'm like a pedophile. You gotta be patient.

• 25:59Mark Normand?

  That's true. Pedophile, you gotta strike early. It's like an avocado. No, wait, the opposite. It's like a banana. All right. So, uh, we had Seinfeld on, you know, he's a big car nut, as you are.

• 26:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:10Mark Normand?

  And he was saying he wished his son was a car guy.

• 26:12Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 26:13Mark Normand?

  And you probably, did your son give a shit about the vehicular?

• 26:17Speaker 01

  There is such a, it, it, so there's such a weird thing, which is like, I grew up. And you know, kind of poor and latch key and just sort of running around like a wild man. But yeah, I always said that football saved my life, like playing, I started playing Pop Warner football when I was seven. I played contact football with pads and I played all the way through high school and like a year of college. I didn't go to college, but junior college, whatever. But I was like, every lesson I ever learned in life was out on that football field. Like every, I was, you know, statistically, statistically, I was supposed to become a statistic.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  Basically, I was heading down a bad, and then I got football and it was all mentorship and hard work and perseverance and stuff. And I was like, that's all I want my son to learn. He can learn, I don't care what he does in school. I don't care what his grades are, but I want him to learn those lessons out on that football field. That pussy never played a fucking down. So that's number one, number one. It was like no football, zero football. Yeah, he played flag football, which is like, by the way, if you want to pronounce it correctly, hold your tongue and say flag football. That's how to pronounce flag football. So he played, please, he played, he played flag football and then just sort of played basketball.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  He didn't, he never, and then the car, like he didn't follow in my footsteps at all with anything. Yeah. But that's fine. Like I, it's, it becomes a weird narcissistic endeavor. Like your kid's got to do what you, you did. Uh, I, and, and the, on the car department, I take him to Laguna Seca every year for the Rolex historic race. So I race every year there and he comes every year and has been for a decade and hangs out at the track and sees how the cars getting worked on and sees me race and, and all that kind of stuff. So he's, he's, it's a cool experience and he's, he's down with it. Seinfeld, there's a funny, you can find this clip of him with Spike Fairster, uh, talking about me, but.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  You guys tell me how this works. Spike wrote the Soup Nazi episode. Yeah, no, I know he is. I've been re-watching Seinfeld episodes just like on the road. Spike. It's the best. So, so. Alright, so you guys tell me what you think. So, Seinfeld and me are at the Rennsport reunion like a year ago, a year and a half ago, at Laguna Seca. Rennsport's like the biggest. The Porsche? Porsche gathering ever. Yes. And they do a race, but they also display all the prominent Porsches. And I actually won the Y-Soc trophy there in like 19, uh, I think it was, I think it was 2018

• 29:05Speaker 01

  or something, driving Paul Newman's 935 Porsche. That is fucking cool. It is, it is pretty cool. It is, and you can find maybe a picture of that 935 Porsche or me, whatever. But the whole point is, is it's one of the rarest Porsches in the world. Can we see a picture of it? And, and so Rennsport said, can you bring your 935 Porsche to Rennsport? God damn. And, and display it. This is in your garage, I've seen this. Yes, this is in my garage. So, they built a whole display. Wow. For this 935 Porsche. Wow. Hawaiian Tropic, right up top.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Yep, and they, and Newman drove it at Le Mans. Wow. So it's got a ton of history, it won Daytona outright. It won, um, it's kinda interesting because that Brad Pitt F1 movie starts with him in a Porsche winning. Right. Daytona. That movie, if it was like 40 minutes short, it would have been like amazing. That thing wins, that thing wins outright. But so, I'm there, and Seinfeld's there. And Seinfeld has like three of his Porsches there, and we're looking at his Porsches, and we're talking about it, and there's like, you know, crowd around and stuff like that. And so I say to him, you know, Jerry, my Porsche is about 25 yards from where we're

• 30:29Speaker 01

  standing, it's Newman's 935 that won Le Mans. And he goes, okay. And I go, you wanna check it out? And he goes, I'm good. You don't want to walk over there and just look at the 935? And he goes, no. I go, well, we're at Rennsport. It's all Porsches and we're only here to look at Porsches. Yeah. Looking at your Porsches. You don't want to come and look at the one that won Sebring, it won Daytona, it won LeMans, Paul Newman drove it. I won the Wysock Cup here in it in 2018. He's like, no, I'm good. What is that? I don't know what, I don't know what that is. This is Elliot Gould all over again.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  And then he goes on a, goes on Spike's podcast and he talks about it like I'm the crazy one.

• 31:15Sam Morril?

  What do you say?

• 31:17Speaker 01

  You'll find. We gotta get him. Let me call him. You'll, you'll find him going like, yeah, what's Corolla doing? But he does that Bill Burr thing like, what? It's a car. So what? What's next? Who cares? Man on the moon. Well, right. Big whoop. You know what I mean? Like you can, you can minimize, minimize anything. Yeah, of course. Do the right inflection. That's true. That's true. And, and they always do this thing too. And they go, and then you go to the moon and then what? Nothing. Okay. Okay. Right, right. All right. This is, this, we'll find him. He'll, all right. I'm shocked. I thought he'd be all over that car.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  I don't know. And listen, I, I don't, you know, we're not best friends, but we're Porsche guys and. And you've hung out before? Yeah. I mean, I, yeah, I, I, I know him a little bit. Jerry's collection, by the way. Oh my Lord. Look at that Jag. He's a crazy Porsche guy and I have one of the most significant Porsches on, on the planet. And it was a hundred feet from where we were standing in its own gazebo. Yeah. We're like, now I think, you know, when he walks around, he gathers, a, a crowd gathers. He's already at Rennsport. What I'm saying is, is I didn't call him and go, Jerry, how about you come out to Rennsport?

• 32:41Speaker 01

  And he goes, no, no, it's too big a crowd. He's standing in Rennsport. We just have to walk. Yeah. Now I bought an O2 and the day I posted about it, he texts me and he goes, that's a badass car. Great car. I love that car.

• 32:55Mark Normand?

  So I can't believe he didn't want to see the Porsche.

• 32:57Sam Morril?

  I tried to get Jerry to come over and look at some gay porn mags. He wouldn't do it.

• 33:01Mark Normand?

  He's like, I'm good.

• 33:04Sam Morril?

  I've seen it. I've seen two men fucking.

• 33:06Mark Normand?

  I got a man on the moon. I don't need to see Uranus.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  I, I hope, I mean, I, I kinda like to think he was screwing around is.

• 33:14Sam Morril?

  Probably.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  But, but in a weird Seinfeld, kinda Larry David.

• 33:19Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  Kinda way where that's kinda who you are.

• 33:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  I mean, like you're that guy who won't do that.

• 33:25Mark Normand?

  He's very blunt. It's like he'll, if you stick your hand out, he's like, we're good. I already shook it. I don't have to shake it again. Like that's kinda his thing.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  I think that's kinda the shtick.

• 33:32Speaker 03

  But didn't you famously not want to stand with the hockey trophy once because you said, why would I take a picture with a trophy someone else won?

• 33:39Speaker 01

  Stanley Cup?

• 33:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Well, you're really into hockey, aren't you?

• 33:42Speaker 03

  No, I'm into you.

• 33:43Mark Normand?

  He's into heated rivalries, what he's into.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's out there. It's out there somewhere, him saying, uh, I don't wanna go, I'm not gonna go. He's with Spike. He's doing their podcast. He's doing Spike's podcast and he's basically explaining that I'm way out of line because I kept going to him. Like I thought he was kidding. Like, you go, yeah, I'm good. And then 20 minutes would go by, we're standing around looking at his cars. I go, all right, but let's go.

• 34:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  Car now, right? Nah, I'm good. And I'm like, all right, this is just kind of a goof. Like we're gonna.

• 34:15Mark Normand?

  Right, that's wild.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  Walk over and look at the car, right? Now.

• 34:19Mark Normand?

  Lucy. All right, folks, let's talk Lucy. Lucy Breakers are nicotine pouches with a little surprise. You pop the pouch in. Then there's a capsule inside. You can break open for extra flavor and hydration. It's like a Capri Sun for adults with problems. They're a hundred percent pure nicotine, always tobacco free. I like the mint and the mango, strong enough to wake you up. Smooth enough that you're not coughing like you just tried your first cigar at a wedding. I throw one in before shows, on flights, anytime I need a little kick without lighting anything on fire. You could even set up a subscription and have Lucy deliver straight to your door because nothing says I've got my life together like auto ship nicotine.

• 35:01Mark Normand?

  Lucy's the only pouch that gives you long lasting flavor, whether you, whatever you need it. Get 20% off your first order when you buy online and use code DRUNK. And if you don't want to wait, just head to lucy.co/stores to find Lucy near you and grab it today. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults at legal age and every order is age verified. Warning: This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. QUO! Have you ever run a business and it feels like a group chat where nobody knows who's actually in charge? Did you call them? I thought you called them.

• 35:42Mark Normand?

  Boom! Opportunity gone. That's when you look around and go, "All right, let's fucking QUO." QUO is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3,000 reviews. Used by more than 90,000 businesses, it works right from an app on your phone or computer if you keep your existing number and teammates in minutes. Sync your CRM. It's like giving your team a brain. Your whole crew can handle calls and texts from one shared number. No more missed messages, no more "who's handling this?" Everyone sees the thread. Customers feel taken care of instead of ignored like my high school guidance counselor.

• 36:21Mark Normand?

  It's smart. QUO's AI logic calls generate summaries and highlights next step. It even qualify leads or respond after hours. So your business keeps moving while you're asleep and pretending to be. Make this the year with no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try QUO for free. Plus, get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com/wmvd. That's Q U O dot com slash W M B D. QUO! No missed calls, no missed customers. Get on it!

• 36:56Mark Normand?

  Hey folks, Tempo! I'm trying to eat better this year. By trying, I mean I bought lettuce once. But between shows, traveling, pretending to work out, cooking is not happening. Tempo is clutch. They deliver fresh, chef crafted, dietitian approved meals right to your door. You pop it in the microwave, two minutes later, you're eating like an adult. No sad desk lunch, no drive through regret, and no "why did..."

• 37:21Mark Normand?

  Room temp takeout oysters.

• 37:25Mark Normand?

  Each meal is perfectly proportioned for lunch or dinner. They've got 20 new recipes every week and you're not stuck eating the same chicken brick forever. And they've got options. Protein packed with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious, even GLP-1 balanced meals. Whoa. It's flexible but still convenient, which is how I describe my dating history.

• 37:49Mark Normand?

  Even busy athletes like Maria Sharapova use Tempo. If it's good enough for the world-class athlete, it's good enough for two comedians whose cardio is walking to the fridge. For a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com/drug. That's tempomeals.com/drug for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com/drug. Rules and restrictions may apply. Do you ever think about starting a business and immediately spiral out? What if nobody buys it? What if it's just a guy with 400 tote bags in my living room? The fear is real. Starting something new is terrifying. You're betting on yourself and that's shaky nowadays. That's why having Shopify is huge.

• 38:32Mark Normand?

  Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. That's not a side hustle. That's a machine. They've got hundreds of ready-to-use templates so your online store actually looks legit. Not my nephew built this in computer class legit. Real legit. And it's packed with AI tools that you help write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance your product photos. So if you're not exactly Don Draper, you're covered. I'm hungover. And everything's in one place. Inventory, payments, analytics, shipping, returns. No bouncing between 17 tabs like you're diffusing a bomb.

• 39:14Mark Normand?

  It's smooth, it's streamlined, and it makes you look like you know what you're doing. Oh, boy. And that purple shop pay button.

• 39:24Mark Normand?

  Best converting checkout on the planet. Fewer abandoned carts, more of that sweet cha-ching feeling. It's time to turn those what ifs into cha-ching with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at Shopify.com/Drunk. Go to Shopify.com/Drunk. That's Shopify.com/Drunk. That reminds me of my peeve. My peeve is the guy who wants a reaction from you, so he keeps... This happened to me last night. I'm at dinner and a guy goes, "Get the chicken marsala." And I'm like, "I'm good, I'm good." And he's like, "Get the marsala." And I'm like, "All right, I'll get the marsala." And then, he's staring at me while I take my first bite, because he wants me to go like, "Oh my god."

• 40:08Mark Normand?

  And I'm like, "You're ruining this meal for me, because now I have to be on."

• 40:11Speaker 01

  You caved.

• 40:12Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 40:12Mark Normand?

  I totally caved.

• 40:13Sam Morril?

  You shouldn't have gotten the marsala.

• 40:14Mark Normand?

  I know, but then he stared at me. And then after 80, he's like, "Right, right?" And I'm like, "It's fine, but now I feel like I'm letting you down and you're ruining my whole meal."

• 40:22Sam Morril?

  Then the chef was like, "Do you want to come back and watch me cook the marsala?"

• 40:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. I should have said, "I'm good."

• 40:27Speaker 01

  I don't like when people put the onus and pressure on you. Like, I don't like when people go, "Guess how much I paid for this sweater." I'm never guessing. I'm always going, "What answer does this fucker want to hear?" Like, "I'm gonna go low." "No, I'll go high. I'll go high." "I'll go like, $2,600." He goes, "$40." And he feels good about himself, but I'm not thinking it costs that much. Are you talking to Todd Barry in the story? It's gonna make you feel good about you.

• 40:54Mark Normand?

  Right, right, exactly.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  If I had any balls at all, I'd go $4. And he'd go, "Uh, no, it was $81, but..."

• 41:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you wanted to show him the car, because it's a cool car. But this guy wanted me to react to a chicken marsala. Like, it was a pussy.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't like that guy. I don't like, "Guess how much I paid for this sweater." And I don't like the... "You don't remember me, do you?"

• 41:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, I hate that guy.

• 41:18Speaker 01

  Whose fault is that? I meet a lot of people, yeah. No, but, "Do you remember?"

• 41:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 41:22Speaker 01

  "You don't, do you?" And you go, "I, you know, I'm feel... I meet a lot of people."

• 41:26Mark Normand?

  And now you're on your heels.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  You look familiar. Yeah, now you're backpedaling, you know?

• 41:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  The plan is to make you feel bad.

• 41:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 41:33Speaker 01

  Yes!

• 41:33Mark Normand?

  Because you're forgettable.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  It's not... It's feel bad, but it's also have dominion over you.

• 41:39Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  Like, you work at a Walmart and you make $14 an hour, and I'm an A-list celebrity. Who hangs out with the likes of Jerry Seinfeld in my 935 Porsche? And all of a sudden, I'm the one who feels like the goober in this conversation because you got me on my heels.

• 41:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 41:57Sam Morril?

  It's also like, I didn't cheat on you in a relationship. We met once 10 years ago.

• 42:02Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, like who, you Maria Shriver?

• 42:06Mark Normand?

  You don't remember me? I'm the pirate.

• 42:07Sam Morril?

  I got a, I got a peeve. The friend that asked to tag along with you.

• 42:11Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 42:11Sam Morril?

  And then is a insanely slow walker.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 42:15Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 42:16Sam Morril?

  Kills me.

• 42:16Mark Normand?

  That's a double whammy.

• 42:17Sam Morril?

  I'm a quick walker. I like to get places.

• 42:19Mark Normand?

  I'm the same way, yeah. Good call.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Tag along, yeah.

• 42:23Sam Morril?

  The tag along's fine, but then you just gotta keep up.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:26Mark Normand?

  I had this the other night, because I like to do a couple sets a night and I run around and one guy goes, "I want to tag along with you and follow you," and I go, "You're gonna slow me down," and I left.

• 42:32Sam Morril?

  Yes, salicuse.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  But that's a, I think the sign of a good relationship is when you can walk at your pace and your lady can walk at her pace, and it doesn't mean anything.

• 42:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Like, you're, you're secure enough to go, "Here's my pace, that's your pace. I'm sorry you were attacked and gang raped because you're so far behind me, but I'm walking at my pace."

• 42:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:59Sam Morril?

  Thanks, Cal, salicuse. Jesus.

• 43:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, that's a good one, because they will slow your ass down.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:06Sam Morril?

  I got another peeve, and there's a weird one. The too big toilet paper roll.

• 43:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:11Sam Morril?

  It's a no, in theory, it's good.

• 43:13Mark Normand?

  I love it.

• 43:13Sam Morril?

  But then it doesn't fit in the fucking thing in the wall.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:16Sam Morril?

  So now, it's like having too big a cock. It's great in theory, but if it doesn't fit, it kind of defeats the purpose.

• 43:21Mark Normand?

  Good point, good point.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  I completely sympathize with the big cock thing. 100% big cock, yeah. Say no more about the big cock.

• 43:31Sam Morril?

  Adam's actually our new big cock correspondent.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. I don't, I don't, what, my pet peeve is the fucking toilet paper holder, like, you know, when it's at the airport.

• 43:42Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Or at the, wherever, commercial one.

• 43:45Mark Normand?

  It never works.

• 43:46Sam Morril?

  That's a bad one.

• 43:46Speaker 01

  There's no silent way to get that paper out. It's like, everybody in that airport terminal knows you're taking a dump. Because you have to, you get your hand under there and it starts to It sounds like you're banging on a trash can lid.

• 43:59Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 43:59Speaker 01

  Wooden spoon like what we did for the nurses during covid. Like, alright, Corolla's taking a shit because I hear him struggling with that dispenser. Like, they need a silent dispenser. And every bathroom in every hotel for sure needs a serious fart fan. Have you guys experienced this? Like, you stayed at the boutique?

• 44:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  The boutique hotel.

• 44:22Mark Normand?

  Exhaust thing that comes on, sucks up.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  I don't need the fan, I need the decibels.

• 44:27Mark Normand?

  Right. Oh, the sound.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Got into that thing where you're in one of these boutique hotels in Manhattan, which is like nine square feet. It's just a bed. And like, right next to it is the bathroom, and it's got that weird sliding barn door.

• 44:42Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  And there's three inches of daylight under it.

• 44:44Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 44:45Speaker 01

  And your new lady friend is just lying on top of the bed in her refractory period. And you gotta go in and do your fucking business, but it's all tile.

• 44:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 44:53Sam Morril?

  It's already been sitting for 22 minutes.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  And it's just like the sound literally just banks off of everything. You need that fart. Like, I want to hear some fart fan to drown it out, right?

• 45:04Speaker 03

  How about a sound cancelling fart machine? Like, it plays the noise.

• 45:08Sam Morril?

  I just give her noise cancelling headphones and say, I'm gonna go take a shit. That's what I do.

• 45:12Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, but, but now you're definitely going and taking a dump. Whereas the fart fan, you have plausible deniability because you just hit the bathroom light button in the fart fan.

• 45:23Sam Morril?

  But she knows what you're doing.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  You could be brushing your teeth.

• 45:25Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  I know she knows. She knows, but does she need, like, audible evidence of what you're doing?

• 45:31Sam Morril?

  It's a classier way to do it. I think you're right. I think, I think this is a nice thing.

• 45:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, so that's the big role you're talking.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, the giant role.

• 45:39Mark Normand?

  Wow, that is a huge role.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:41Mark Normand?

  My god, yeah.

• 45:41Sam Morril?

  I also hate the super thin ones because it defeats the purpose too because now you're just stacking it.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:47Mark Normand?

  Good point. Good point. You're making it a two ply.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and I'm with you on the, the public restroom, that thing, because you're, it is so loud and you can never get it out.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're, you're up there.

• 45:57Mark Normand?

  There's no labia.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  You're in junior high and you're trying to finger their first prom date, you know, and it's like you're, you're reaching, you're feeling it.

• 46:04Sam Morril?

  Either way, it's not coming.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's not happening. Like, you're trying to grab a tab or something.

• 46:08Mark Normand?

  That thing's way louder than she was.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:10Mark Normand?

  And. And it is so that you feel like Andy Dufresne, you're trying to do a prison break, but it's making too much noise.

• 46:16Speaker 01

  I know, and then you try to, and you try to like kickstart it a little, like you try to do a roll with it. And also, it's unclear what, are we going clockwise, we're going clockwise, I gotta get started here.

• 46:27Mark Normand?

  Depends on the country.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  You know who the ultimate, you know, like in terms of pariahs in society, like the worst people in society. Cause like, like you have to really, you have to really separate things, like the guys who embezzle from their work. You know, you go, alright, not a great guy, but that's his work and it's between him and them and whatever, get the money back. But it's not gonna affect me, right?

• 46:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  And then there are guys who just randomly punch people in the subway and you go, okay, that guy's a problem. Cause he's randomly walking around punching anybody, that could be me or my kids or whatever. But the worst of the worst are the guys who piss on the toilet paper roll. Have you ever seen that, like in a subway?

• 47:10Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's evil.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Or in a public bathroom, I have seen dudes who soak the roll with urine. That is like, when I'm in charge, those people are gonna be put down.

• 47:21Mark Normand?

  We need Singapore rules with those people.

• 47:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, Singapore rules, and by the way, day off, come to the center of the town.

• 47:27Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 47:28Speaker 01

  Execution, and I'm just gonna go, any questions? Cause we don't fucking tolerate this. And by the way, I'm not killing him because he pissed on a dollar's worth of toilet paper. I'm killing him because who knows what this guy's capable.

• 47:43Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Once you piss on a toilet paper roll in a public bathroom, you're now capable of anything.

• 47:51Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  School shootings, flying planes into buildings, like whatever, you can do anything if you can do this.

• 47:58Sam Morril?

  Greg can't fly a plane.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Dude, I was using hyperbole.

• 48:04Sam Morril?

  Dude, we, I was in the Penn Station bathroom, the new one on 8th Avenue.

• 48:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the nice one.

• 48:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah, supposedly, a puddle of piss is coming out and there's a line and I'm just like, it's one of those things where you're like, do I, I have to step and piss to go.

• 48:18Mark Normand?

  You have to.

• 48:18Sam Morril?

  And I was like, I'm holding it.

• 48:20Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 48:21Sam Morril?

  It's that fucking bad.

• 48:23Mark Normand?

  What were you doing there?

• 48:24Sam Morril?

  Peeing.

• 48:24Mark Normand?

  No, you were taking a bus?

• 48:25Sam Morril?

  What do you think I was doing? I was taking a train to a DC.

• 48:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's the train station.

• 48:29Sam Morril?

  But I, what do you think I was doing in there, lingering, trying to meet a guy?

• 48:31Speaker 01

  He wasn't asking what were you doing in a bathroom with your dick out, he was asking what you're doing in Port Authority.

• 48:37Mark Normand?

  Old rod rider here.

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Uh, Adam, I found that clip. It's audio only.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  Okay, that's fine.

• 48:43Speaker 03

  Let's hear it.

• 48:47Mark Normand?

  I don't want to start a comedy beef here, but...

• 48:55Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 49:01Speaker 04

  He just wanted me to look at it. Adam Carolla said, "You've gotta see my 935." And this was at the Red Sport last year? Yeah. And I said, "Oh, okay." In the meantime, you know how these things are. It's hard to move, physically move anywhere.

• 49:16Mark Normand?

  Uh-huh.

• 49:17Speaker 04

  There was a guy in front of the hotel this morning. He says, "Would you walk by my car?" So to get rid of him, I said, "Sure." You know, I figured, "I'm just gonna die." And I just walked it out of here, you know? What? Just stroll by? He said it would make his day if I walked by it. We were in the car in the Mercedes this morning. Frank, the fun wall sir was there. That was that guy. He was standing in front of me. He concocted this 993 Speedster thing. It looked kinda cool, actually. And so he yells at me. I'm in his car. We're headed here. He yells at me, "You didn't walk by it."

• 49:52Speaker 01

  This is different than his original.

• 49:55Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  This is a recap of, of the Spike pod.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  Doesn't sound that bad.

• 50:00Mark Normand?

  No, I think that relieves you. Cause he's just like, "I'm done walking around. I'm done looking at shit."

• 50:05Speaker 01

  Now, if there's still a version of this that you will find.

• 50:09Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 50:09Speaker 03

  We're digging, we're digging.

• 50:11Speaker 01

  Basically telling me to F myself in my 935.

• 50:15Mark Normand?

  I think he was just done for the day. He's, uh, he's seen a bunch. Uh, people asking him to walk around. I don't know. I'm trying to defend the guy.

• 50:21Speaker 01

  He's a cool.

• 50:21Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  No, no, I like, listen, first, first things first. I don't know where you guys come down on this, but like, I like Seinfeld. But I also think... You're allowed to report what happened accurately.

• 50:35Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 50:36Speaker 01

  Like, people go, hey, why are you talking shit? It's like, is it talking shit if you're saying what happened?

• 50:42Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? And then if it is, then that's kinda on them.

• 50:46Sam Morril?

  This is the problem with two comedians getting into a scuffle, though. Both are the hero in their stories.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, I don't, I don't care. I like Jerry, I love cars, other Porsches and all that. And I, I think he likes me and I think he does things. Is it like a little bit of a provocateur? Like it's kinda fun?

• 51:02Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 51:02Sam Morril?

  Dude, you rewatch Seinfeld and there's, there's bite on it. Where you're like, oh, I forgot that this was edgy. Cause everyone talks about Jerry as a clean comic, but you're like, NBC back in the day.

• 51:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:12Sam Morril?

  I mean, the fucking masturbation episode, the, uh, the...

• 51:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, he's, he's got some venom. He can, he can sniff.

• 51:18Sam Morril?

  I just, I just rewatched the one where he's, he's trying to hook up with the woman whose husband's in a coma. I'm like, this is crazy.

• 51:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 51:26Sam Morril?

  I'm a man who respects a good coma. That's a great line.

• 51:28Speaker 01

  That's why he is who he is.

• 51:31Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  Because that's who he is. I mean, I, I think probably artists throughout history were that painters and sculptors and stuff, you know, probably. People were like, back in the day, they were like, oh, Van Gogh, what a douche, you know? Like, that guy's a weirdo, you know?

• 51:46Mark Normand?

  That's zero off.

• 51:47Sam Morril?

  He wouldn't look at my painting.

• 51:48Speaker 01

  They're artists, they're artists, you know what I mean?

• 51:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but like, that's why, cause that show is so mean, they're so selfish. That's what's funny about it. I saw a clip of Louis C.K. and he was like, all these comics are like, oh, you shouldn't punch down. He's like, punching down is hilarious. And I completely agree. It's fucking hilarious. Just not telling me that, that it's not funny.

• 52:05Sam Morril?

  People making rules who don't do this.

• 52:07Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 52:08Sam Morril?

  It's, it's always hall monitors who have never dabbled at all. And they're like, these are the rules of comedy. I'm like, who are you? You're not a comedian.

• 52:14Mark Normand?

  Yes, or even comedians doing it. I'm like, what are you talking about? Why are you making rules?

• 52:18Sam Morril?

  Louis always stayed very open minded.

• 52:20Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 52:20Sam Morril?

  What could be comedy? And that's what I, what I loved about it, you know?

• 52:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:24Sam Morril?

  Like Louis, that show could be anything.

• 52:26Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 52:27Speaker 01

  He wouldn't look at one of my cars either.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  Everyone on this wall behind me wouldn't look at one of my cars.

• 52:34Mark Normand?

  But, but. He can jerk off standing. Ah, cut that, cut that.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  He's a potted plant guy.

• 52:42Mark Normand?

  He does not need lube, that guy.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  It's always weird when you hear, like, it's so weird as a dude, when you hear, like, if you talk to a woman and she'll go, I was at a red light the other day and I looked over and there was a guy in his car and he was masturbating. And you go... Maybe it's a long commute, like you're supposed to be outraged.

• 53:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 53:07Speaker 01

  I promise I'm never outraged. I'm like.

• 53:09Sam Morril?

  Problem is you're from California.

• 53:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's been done.

• 53:11Sam Morril?

  In New York, it doesn't take that long to get anywhere.

• 53:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:14Sam Morril?

  You gotta jerk off at home.

• 53:15Mark Normand?

  Lot of traffic. You're in there for an hour.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:17Mark Normand?

  One time, this is something women will never understand. I was on a road trip and it was like a seven hour drive and I was so horned up. I was, I was probably like 17. And I was jerking it in the car. I was alone on the highway, just miles and miles. This is pre-cell phone, pre-podcast, whatever.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  Pre-comm.

• 53:35Mark Normand?

  And I rubbed one out and I didn't have anyone to shoot it because it was my mom's car. I had to shoot it in the sleeve of my own jacket.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  Hold on, you didn't have to do it.

• 53:46Mark Normand?

  I can't do the cup holder. What am I gonna shoot in the tape deck?

• 53:49Speaker 01

  If you didn't shoot it in the sleeve of your own jacket.

• 53:52Mark Normand?

  There's nowhere else to go.

• 53:53Sam Morril?

  You ruined a jacket.

• 53:54Mark Normand?

  I ruined a jacket because it was in the moment. I was scared.

• 53:57Sam Morril?

  What kind of jacket?

• 53:59Mark Normand?

  It was a pretty, you know, nice zip up.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  Damn. I mean, it had the word jacket right there. So, I mean, it's kinda asking for it.

• 54:07Sam Morril?

  Hold on a second.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  Let's give it up.

• 54:10Sam Morril?

  Quite good.

• 54:10Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Think Seinfeld could come up with a jacket jacket? I don't think so.

• 54:15Mark Normand?

  Put a man on the moon, you're jerking off in a jacket.

• 54:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, you know, I had my cult roundup.

• 54:22Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna record this and try to show it to Seinfeld. Look at this Adam Carolla clip. He's like, I don't want to look at it.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  I'm obsessed with that clip. It's gotta be somewhere.

• 54:33Mark Normand?

  We're lucky. We're gonna find it, goddammit.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Somewhere. It's him and Spike. It probably would have been, okay, if you found out.

• 54:41Sam Morril?

  This is like a Seinfeld right now.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  Found out when the Rensselaer reunion was last, this podcast would have been like a week after that or something. That, that would be the timestamp.

• 54:54Mark Normand?

  2025, yes?

• 54:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, I think it could have been 2024, but yeah, I think it was 2025.

• 55:00Mark Normand?

  Was he wearing that outfit? Do you remember the outfits at all? He was, he was wearing a black shirt in the last one. Is it that, is that the one that it is, you think?

• 55:07Speaker 01

  The one we heard was another one.

• 55:10Mark Normand?

  Okay, okay.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  This is like. Probably three, four days after the last rensport at Laguna Seca, which is, um, you know, it's like kind of my home track of it's up north. It's in, you know, it's in Pebble Beach, but that's where the race is every year, like the uh. Next time he sees you, he's gonna stare at this car for a really long time.

• 55:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:32Speaker 01

  Now, part of his argument was that he, he had a 935. He had like a super significant 935. There's only X amount of them on the planet.

• 55:43Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  Well, under 50 on the planet and my car probably has the most race miles on it of a 935, but he had just sold his, which is his excuse for not looking at mine, but.

• 55:56Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  Buy it. But this is punching up, right? We're talking about Seinfeld. Punching down is funnier.

• 56:02Mark Normand?

  Yes. I like punching downs.

• 56:07Mark Normand?

  They can take it.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  That's funny.

• 56:08Mark Normand?

  Very strong people. But yeah, that's so cool that your son, my dad was a suit guy, briefcase, military, kind of stern.

• 56:15Speaker 01

  You seem like a fun dad.

• 56:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's insane if your dad's a race car driver.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  I, yes, every single year, at least for the last 11 or 12 years, like since he was like eight, he comes with me to Laguna Seca. Laguna Seca does the ren, does the uh Rolex Historics. It's a huge historic race, like 500 cars, old cars. I drive Newman, Paul Newman race cars.

• 56:39Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  And everyone trailers their stuff out, everyone fans out in the infield and you stay there for like four or five days. You go to the high end auctions. Oh, we, we went on Rick Caruso's yacht this year. Like Caruso sails his yacht from LA up the bay.

• 56:59Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  And then you take a boat to his yacht, take a smaller yacht to the bigger yacht. He was hanging with me like the whole time and then you go to the track and you do, you stay at the Airbnb and I do the racing and you know, he hangs out and then that night you go to the auction and you know, it's, it's, it's all good and they have like. Oh, it's the Acura party and Jules gonna play there and all and sushi and it's like it's it's awesome. I think he he probably is into it, I will say.

• 57:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:32Speaker 01

  And unlike the relationship I had with my dad, which is he's gonna sit on a sofa and I can watch him try to play the trumpet was basically the highlight of our relationship.

• 57:43Mark Normand?

  Wow, crazy.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  Is your dad passed away? Yes, yes.

• 57:47Mark Normand?

  Well, it's good you went the other way. You you saw how boring your dad was and you flipped it, you know, it's like those guys who beat their kid and then their kid beats their kid. And you're like, well, shouldn't you have flipped it?

• 57:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, no, I beat my son.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  Don't get it confused.

• 58:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 58:01Speaker 01

  But we're at the track when I beat him.

• 58:05Speaker 01

  We're eating sushi while I'm beating him.

• 58:08Mark Normand?

  I beat it on the road once too.

• 58:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, you got the old jacket.

• 58:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 58:13Speaker 01

  So.

• 58:14Mark Normand?

  It's this jacket, by the way.

• 58:15Speaker 01

  It's boring. No, I smell it.

• 58:19Speaker 01

  No, you're right in that people go, well, you know, his dad was this or his dad. And so of course, it's like, no, he should know firsthand how bad this is and do the opposite. I just basically do the opposite of what my parents would do and it's awesome. Like my kids benefit. I just go, what would Jim and Chris Corolla do? And then I go, all right, I'll do the opposite of that.

• 58:42Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  And then you'll have a great childhood.

• 58:44Mark Normand?

  It's a great Seinfeld episode, Opposite George. He does all the opposite. Gets the hot lady, gets a new job, the Yankees, right up.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:52Mark Normand?

  Man, lucky, lucky kids. That's all. Did you get it? No, I'm still looking. Oh, I'm worried you fabricated this.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  Well, I can't. The Smoking Tire, does that sound familiar?

• 59:03Mark Normand?

  That's the podcast.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  That could be it. That could be it. It can't be whole cloth because he brought it up in the this other one, right?

• 59:10Mark Normand?

  Good point, good point.

• 59:10Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 59:11Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 59:12Speaker 01

  Still looking.

• 59:13Mark Normand?

  I'm picturing Jerry listening to this and rolling his eyes.

• 59:17Mark Normand?

  Fucking guy, let it go, you wuss.

• 59:19Speaker 01

  It is verbatim, him going, "I'm not gonna do it," and then him going, "I'm the bad guy for asking."

• 59:28Mark Normand?

  Well, let me.

• 59:28Speaker 01

  That's the part that's insane to me. You asked for consent. Yes, I did. That's right.

• 59:33Mark Normand?

  So did Louis.

• 59:34Speaker 01

  He was wearing a very short skirt. He shouldn't have been jogging at night.

• 59:38Mark Normand?

  Well, let me ask you though, even if he goes, "I'm good on the car," can't you strike up a different conversation? "How you been? What's shaking? How's comedy?"

• 59:48Speaker 01

  We only can talk about vintage German cars.

• 59:50Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  No, I was looking at his car. So his cars get done at a shop in Van Nuys, California. Like, he has the Steve McQueen 917 Porsche from the movie Le Maire.

• 1:00:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, my lord!

• 1:00:07Speaker 01

  That's his car, right?

• 1:00:08Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  And so, you have to picture him buying that car when it was kind of broken down like 25 years ago.

• 1:00:16Mark Normand?

  That car?

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Yes. And then what do you do? Do you soup it up a little bit? What do you do to restore it? No, there's no souping up of anything. That was the wrong lingo, I guess. I don't know cars at all. You put it, no shit.

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  You put, you put it back exactly as it was. That's, that's the thing. That is gorgeous, that car. Holy shit. Yeah, that's, I think, a 69 917 Le Maire Porsche that didn't win at Le Maire, but it was in the film. It was the hero car of the film Le Maire with Steve McQueen. I have a 935 that Paul Newman drove at Le Maire and won its class at Le Maire. So Seinfeld should really, we're, we're in some sort of club that has like three people on the planet in it.

• 1:01:06Mark Normand?

  And you do comedy? I mean, there's so many similarities.

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  So many, so many.

• 1:01:09Mark Normand?

  Crazy.

• 1:01:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:10Speaker 03

  Turned down $25 million offer for this car.

• 1:01:15Sam Morril?

  That was the worst one yet. That was, that was like a weasel fart. The fuck was that?

• 1:01:20Mark Normand?

  I'm like Looney Tunes.

• 1:01:22Sam Morril?

  That really squeaked out.

• 1:01:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I tried to fart on Jerry, but I didn't have anything.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  I wish I had a fart chambered when he was turning me down. I wish I had something, but.

• 1:01:31Sam Morril?

  So, I mean, yeah, this is.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  He turned down 25 million and then they went and made a backroom deal, so I don't know.

• 1:01:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, he did sell it, though.

• 1:01:40Speaker 01

  Yes, he sold it at auction a few months back. I don't know if it was me coming.

• 1:01:44Sam Morril?

  Maybe this will lead to you and him having a rekindled thing here, who knows?

• 1:01:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, we should, we should find some common ground.

• 1:01:52Mark Normand?

  You know what he loves is the rich man, poor man bit.

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  He likes that bit, you know?

• 1:01:55Mark Normand?

  That's one of his big bits.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  It was a weird thing, they're like, here's what a horrible comedian I am. Seinfeld in a parking lot, like CBS, like, I don't know, I was doing a TV pilot or something there. It was like, it was like 15 years ago or something. And he just walked up to me and he goes, that rich man, poor man bit, that's your bit. That's your signature bit. And I was like, thanks, Jerry Seinfeld. And I never did it again.

• 1:02:21Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  And also Jay Leno came up to me and he goes, that rich man, poor man bit, that's your bit.

• 1:02:26Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:02:27Speaker 01

  And I was like, okay, thanks, Jay, and never did it.

• 1:02:29Mark Normand?

  It's a great bit. What are you crazy? You should be doing that. That's your Hot Pockets. That's your how to be a redneck or whatever.

• 1:02:34Speaker 01

  I get her done. I know. I know. I know. I, I, it's like, I, I don't know if it's a weird Tourette's-y thing where I'm like, okay, if these guys like it, I'm not doing it.

• 1:02:44Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  Or I just forget to do it.

• 1:02:46Sam Morril?

  Or maybe it's like they compliment it and you feel like a hack breaking it back out because now it's like a greatest hits thing for you.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  It, it feels like, it feels a little like Get Her Done or Here's How You Know You're Redneck.

• 1:02:58Mark Normand?

  No, but those are catchphrases. This is a big idea with a premise and punchlines.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  I know, I don't know what it is, and I started doing it recently because once Leno said you should do it. I was like, okay, I should listen to these two titans. Wait a minute. Of comedy. By the way, Leno would have looked at the nine thirty five just as a side. That's true. Not bitter about it, but.

• 1:03:22Sam Morril?

  That's how he fell down the hill.

• 1:03:23Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:03:23Sam Morril?

  Gave it a look.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  What I said to Leno, which didn't make him laugh at all, because he set himself on fire. And then like two weeks later, he like rolled down the hill. Yeah. And I said, I said, Jay's funny because Jay's an earnest guy, like he's really, he's a comedian, but he's sort of.

• 1:03:42Speaker 01

  He's sort of a soft, simple, sort of earnest guy like in real life. And I go, Jay, you know, a lot of people are, are. Thinking you're responsible for starting that Palisades fire. He goes, really? Really? I go, well, I mean, they, there's a lot of people are saying you set yourself on fire and then rolled down the hill. And he's like, what? I'm like, Jim, I'm gonna fucking jump. That's adorable. He should be in Jackass with these fucking injuries he's getting. He literally, he, he clothes lined, lined himself on a three wheeler. He's driving around. Oh shit. Motorcycle with a side hack and he catches. What I have.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  Side hack jacket guy over here has got a side hack.

• 1:04:31Sam Morril?

  This is, this is a Mike Kaplan episode.

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  I know, right?

• 1:04:34Sam Morril?

  Lot of wordplay.

• 1:04:34Speaker 01

  Lot of puns. He had a cable going across a parking lot at like four feet, you know, like don't pull into this parking lot. And he's riding around on his motorcycle with the side hack and he doesn't see the cable. And he clotheslines himself and gets ripped off the motorcycle. He's fucking his nails, this guy. So he had the fire, he set himself on, the, the, I've been to Leno's shop when he's trying to fire up one of his. Steam powered cars and seen a flame.

• 1:05:01Sam Morril?

  Oh shit.

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  I thought it was Freebase in. Richard Pryor. Like, yeah. Look at this guy. He's like Evel Knievel. He rolled the Hemi under glass, which is the name of this car.

• 1:05:12Sam Morril?

  Holy shit.

• 1:05:12Speaker 01

  Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's crazy. Yeah. Wow. And he's, what is he, seventy eight or something? No, uh, I don't think he's that old, but he's old enough not to roll a car. Both of these guys look up there. Yeah, I know. The guy who drove the Hemi under glass, which is the name of that wheeling car. I know because it was parked next to my 935 and I said, Seinfeld, you want to check out? Take a look at Hemi under glass? And he said, gladly.

• 1:05:41Mark Normand?

  I gotta tell you, I think I know what's going on here. 15 years ago, he went up to you and said, hey, that's a great bit. You should be doing that bit. And you said, yeah, whatever. And stopped doing the bit. And then 15 years goes by and you go, you want to see my 935? And he goes, I'm good.

• 1:05:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:57Mark Normand?

  He just got you back.

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  I shunned him.

• 1:05:59Mark Normand?

  You shunned him? Did he shun you? Now you're even.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  If people, if your audience wants to know what rich man, poor man is, just because we've been

• 1:06:07Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 1:06:08Speaker 01

  Talking about it. I think we should bring it home a little, but I will say it is stuff rich people and poor people have in common and not the middle class. So that was sort of the bit was I was working at Kimmel in the writer's room and I, and I thought about an outdoor shower. And I thought, if you're taking an outdoor shower, you're either super rich, you just had your tennis lesson, you're by the cabana in the outdoor kitchen, or you're dirt lawn, busted hose tub, you know what I mean? Poor, right? So it was like rich man, poor man. So I'll give you guys a couple, just so you know.

• 1:06:41Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 1:06:41Speaker 01

  All right.

• 1:06:42Mark Normand?

  This is your good or done. Here we go.

• 1:06:44Speaker 01

  You're on a first name basis with the judge.

• 1:06:50Speaker 01

  So that either, either you belong to the same country club or you've been hauled in front of him for the sixth time in four days. All right.

• 1:06:58Mark Normand?

  That's a great one.

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  You know the going rate for copper.

• 1:07:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, because of the catalytic converters theme.

• 1:07:07Speaker 01

  You're either pulling it out of a street light in LA or you're trading on the NASDAQ.

• 1:07:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's good. Really elevated. In the 90s, they were horrible.

• 1:07:16Speaker 01

  When you leave the stadium, you get a police escort.

• 1:07:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a great one. All right. Now do the Kardashian one.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  I don't remember the Kardashian one. Come on! All right, well, there is one that says, uh... It was the best one, it's the clerk, so... All right, you tell me, no. I'll do it at the end. All right. It's the closer. One of the... One is, you do, you fuck the maid. Which is either, you're either Schwarzenegger, or you're her husband waiting for Arnold to come. Yes! Right, she gotta come back to the apartment, right? Solid. There was, uh, lives next door to a rapper. Oh! Malibu with Jay-Z and Beyonce, or in a shitty apartment in Van Nuys with the white kid named Mayonnaise. Above you rapping. Yeah.

• 1:08:04Sam Morril?

  Mayonnaise is gonna pop. Give him time. He's gonna pop.

• 1:08:06Speaker 01

  Yes. That's right. Let's see, what else, sorry. Uh, had lunch with Bono. Huh? That, now that's like...

• 1:08:14Sam Morril?

  Cause he does a lot of work with the...

• 1:08:15Speaker 01

  He's either, you're either some indigenous tribe person, or whatever, you're fucking heavy hitter. Like, it's not a middle class, nobody in the fucking middle class has ever had... Got it, got it. Lunch with, with Bono. Okay. Uh, when somebody, oh, you have your own fragrance. Oh! It could be Dior, like, or it could be Tipperillos and Schlitz and Be... Right, right. When somebody is looking for you, somebody might say, "Have you checked his trailer?" Which means you're on the, you're on the set. That's a great one. Yeah, you're on the set with Clooney, or you just live in a fucking trailer. Jerry is orgasming right now. No, oh, there's another, there's another Leno one, which is,

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  "You drive a car make that no longer exists." Oh, yes. You're either Leno in a Duesenberg, or you're my stepdad John in a 74 AMC Matador.

• 1:09:11Sam Morril?

  Nice, that's a good one, too.

• 1:09:12Speaker 01

  Sophisticated, really. Now, what was the, I, I don't remember. The Kardashian one's the closer. I don't remember that one. This is your problem, that's why he's thinking of... It's, uh, "Rich man, poor man, if Kim Kardashian got you off..."

• 1:09:26Speaker 01

  So you got Kanye, who she's blowing, or Pete Davidson, or she got you out of jail. Right, right. She bailed you out. She bailed you out. Remember she was doing that for a minute? Shit, I gotta write that down. Yeah, that's a, that's a great one at the end. No wonder Seinfeld didn't want to come to you in 35. Damn. All right, well, that clip cannot be found.

• 1:09:46Sam Morril?

  No.

• 1:09:46Speaker 01

  Seinfeld probably scrubbed it. Yes.

• 1:09:49Sam Morril?

  He's that good, man.

• 1:09:50Speaker 01

  He's that good.

• 1:09:51Sam Morril?

  He burned you and got away with it.

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's powerful. Juice, yeah. Damn. Did you find it, Mike?

• 1:09:58Speaker 05

  I got Andrew on it. He says, "Got it? Standby."

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  Oh, who's Andrew? Well, he's a professional is what he is. Tell you what. He's too sleuths.

• 1:10:07Speaker 05

  Played in our shows. I think you can pull it out of our show.

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, we played it, right. We played it in, in my podcast. And, and it'll, it'll be utter vindication when you, when you hear it, which would be also a good name for a dairy farm. Ooh, utter vindication. I love it. I mean, we're getting.

• 1:10:25Sam Morril?

  He's doing your act, Mark.

• 1:10:28Speaker 01

  You guys, it's funny. I always think about you two because you look like me and you sound like me. But, you know, when I was 34. And it's all Brillo. What I looked like when I was 34 is you. What I sounded like when I was 34 is you, so.

• 1:10:41Sam Morril?

  You could be my, you look more like me than any family member I have.

• 1:10:44Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:10:45Sam Morril?

  It's crazy.

• 1:10:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:10:46Sam Morril?

  You should be related.

• 1:10:47Speaker 01

  I didn't have a cult roundup, so we're not that similar. Someone should do a DNA check on that sleeve and see if there's any.

• 1:10:57Speaker 01

  That jacket is long gone. I threw that thing in the dumpster in Louisiana. He put the Jag in jacket.

• 1:11:03Sam Morril?

  We're still waiting.

• 1:11:04Speaker 01

  All right, we're, we're, I'm not going anywhere until we find this. Oh, shit. I promise you, right.

• 1:11:09Speaker 05

  Call Gutfeld.

• 1:11:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, call Gutfeld and tell him I'm not going anywhere. That shoots this early? It shoots, yeah. Damn. Shooting all over the place. Yeah, it shoots at two? Four sundown.

• 1:11:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you could walk there, though. It's close.

• 1:11:22Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, we're, we're okay.

• 1:11:26Sam Morril?

  You didn't even touch your whiskey, Mark. What the fuck?

• 1:11:27Speaker 01

  Well, I got two shows tonight. I do, too. I got shows. I'm getting fucking day drunk. Drive to New Jersey. I'm driving.

• 1:11:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we should still drink. All right, all right. Yeah. I'm putting it back. Thank you.

• 1:11:38Speaker 03

  So Adam, my favorite story about you is actually about your character, who you are. It's about when you were, it must have been in the 90s sometime and you were performing at one of those Q104 or whatever events.

• 1:11:48Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:11:49Speaker 03

  Um, I'll try and tee you up with a story so you can tell it, but there was a bathroom that was just for you.

• 1:11:55Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:11:55Sam Morril?

  Ooh.

• 1:11:56Speaker 03

  Do you know the story?

• 1:11:56Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:11:57Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, I'll tell it.

• 1:11:58Sam Morril?

  Arguably, I had the same thing. Yeah, rich man, poor man.

• 1:12:00Speaker 03

  So, uh, it was like-

• 1:12:01Speaker 01

  Oh, rich man, poor man has the keys to the executive bathroom.

• 1:12:06Sam Morril?

  Uh, the janitor.

• 1:12:07Speaker 01

  You're either the executive or the guy cleaning the toilet.

• 1:12:10Sam Morril?

  Yes. I got an angle for rich man, poor man, if you haven't done it. Hit it. Doesn't wear a condom.

• 1:12:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:16Sam Morril?

  Oh. Cause like Elon Musk doesn't wear a condom, but neither does fucking a poor guy. Like, I think if you're super poor, you're like, it'll work out.

• 1:12:23Speaker 01

  Right, right, right.

• 1:12:24Sam Morril?

  Yes, both have a ton of kids. Yeah, both have a ton of kids or something. That's great, that's great.

• 1:12:28Speaker 03

  Well, let's do bits instead of my stupid story. You got-

• 1:12:29Sam Morril?

  Nah, I got it. My shit sucks.

• 1:12:31Speaker 01

  Ah. No, so there's, what is the story? I don't know the story.

• 1:12:34Speaker 03

  So, it was like a Q104 festival and they had a bathroom that had your name on it.

• 1:12:38Speaker 01

  Uh-huh.

• 1:12:39Speaker 03

  And a guy called in and said, "I was the guy guarding that bathroom just for you."

• 1:12:44Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:12:44Speaker 03

  It said, "This is Adam Carolla's outhouse," whatever it is. And then there was like 40 other outhouses that everyone else on the crew and everyone else at the festival could use. And, uh, he said, "I watched you come down, look at the sign, and then use the bathroom that everyone else uses."

• 1:12:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:58Speaker 03

  And then you said, "I didn't think that was for me."

• 1:13:02Speaker 01

  That sounds like my no self-esteem-

• 1:13:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  -probably take on, on life.

• 1:13:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I, I feel uncomfortable when people like go like out of the way, or here he comes, or this is for him, or whatever that-

• 1:13:16Sam Morril?

  It's weird.

• 1:13:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, except for it doesn't happen for you, but for me, I feel uncomfortable. He's a hypothetical uncomfortable. I'm actually real uncomfortable.

• 1:13:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I also don't know if you teed him up for a gem there, Sal, like here's-

• 1:13:27Speaker 03

  Well, no, it's about-

• 1:13:27Sam Morril?

  Tell the story about a bathroom you wouldn't use.

• 1:13:29Speaker 03

  Tell me about your part authority story, Sam.

• 1:13:32Speaker 01

  I didn't take a shit. Oh, man. Like it was yesterday.

• 1:13:36Speaker 03

  But I say it speaks to your character. When I try to get someone to listen to your show, I tell them that story. I'm like, this is who he is.

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm a regular dude from North Hollywood with a, you know, a $10 million Porsche. You know what I mean? Keeping it real.

• 1:13:50Speaker 03

  That's not what I heard. No one will look at it.

• 1:13:52Speaker 01

  Regular schlub with a 935 Porsche that won Le Mans. I'm a sick dude.

• 1:13:57Speaker 03

  Did you like F1?

• 1:13:59Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it was a little bit, it was long and a little bit, you know.

• 1:14:02Sam Morril?

  If they cut that down, it could have been great, though.

• 1:14:04Speaker 01

  A little Hollywood and.

• 1:14:06Sam Morril?

  Pitt is fucking cool, though. Like, he is a, he is, he is a star for sure. Like, it's, but if you're into racing, it's ridiculous, right?

• 1:14:13Speaker 03

  It's well shot. The track scenes are really cool.

• 1:14:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, it's really, it's, it's really cool. The end thing was like him getting in his custom van and driving down to Rosarita.

• 1:14:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:25Speaker 01

  With a thing that says drivers wanted, you know, and he'd like pull in, there's a Mexican family with a dune buggy. And he's like, they don't do drivers wanted ads on telephone poles.

• 1:14:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:14:37Speaker 01

  You drove the Baja 510 times, the Baja 1005 times, the Mint 400. Like, they, they know who you are. They don't just advertise for dudes to come down and drive their sand rails or their trophy trucks through Baja. That's not how the driving game works.

• 1:14:55Speaker 03

  It had some cheese on it, but I think Rush was a better film.

• 1:14:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Rush.

• 1:14:58Speaker 05

  I didn't see that one.

• 1:14:59Speaker 03

  Rush is good. It's Ron Howard.

• 1:15:00Speaker 01

  Rush, oh, Rush is really good. Yeah, Rush is really good.

• 1:15:04Speaker 03

  And true story.

• 1:15:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, no, that, that is the Nicky Lada.

• 1:15:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was a really interesting, well done, well executed, and, and a true story of, of F1 fame.

• 1:15:18Sam Morril?

  Is this it?

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 1:15:20Speaker 03

  Oh, this is Utah. This is no good. We're getting your side.

• 1:15:22Speaker 01

  We might play, we'll play the clip within my thing.

• 1:15:27Speaker 03

  I'm prefacing this not from August, this is from AI.

• 1:15:29Sam Morril?

  National treasure.

• 1:15:31Speaker 03

  AI gave us this clip. It said it's here. So if it's not here, it's his fault.

• 1:15:35Sam Morril?

  All right.

• 1:15:37Speaker 05

  So what do you mean, what's gonna go on? I don't need to see another Porsche. Another Porsche.

• 1:15:44Speaker 03

  Is that Elon Gold?

• 1:15:45Speaker 01

  I think it is, yeah.

• 1:15:48Speaker 05

  I don't wanna see it. But they are on the, you know, Tom opens for him, so they pick up the cadences, but.

• 1:15:54Speaker 01

  Oh, Tom Papa.

• 1:15:57Speaker 05

  I don't believe he makes you the bad guy in this story.

• 1:16:02Speaker 01

  Ah. They must have played it already if they've been talking. Oh, yeah. You gotta play. I said, play it again. So it will, we'll, we'll play.

• 1:16:10Mark Normand?

  Play it against them.

• 1:16:12Speaker 01

  All right.

• 1:16:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, God. We're just looking at, what's that movie? Inception loop of the story. We're going all over.

• 1:16:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:19Sam Morril?

  Tell the toy story again.

• 1:16:20Speaker 01

  All right, well, uh.

• 1:16:21Sam Morril?

  I thought this, our audience is going to sleep here.

• 1:16:23Speaker 01

  This one time when I chose not to shit in a designated toilet.

• 1:16:28Speaker 01

  I don't throw around the word hero that often, but.

• 1:16:32Mark Normand?

  How big was the toilet paper roll?

• 1:16:34Speaker 01

  Oh, God. Well, so what I did is I compromised. I just pissed on the roll.

• 1:16:38Mark Normand?

  There you go. You should be beat.

• 1:16:41Speaker 01

  That was the episode. You just have to go back a little bit.

• 1:16:44Mark Normand?

  Charlotte McKinney, my word.

• 1:16:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think they plumped up her boobs for.

• 1:16:50Sam Morril?

  Well, whatever they're doing, it's working.

• 1:16:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I love Photoshop.

• 1:16:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:55Sam Morril?

  Oh, I got a, I got a rec for you guys.

• 1:16:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, hit me, Fanny.

• 1:16:58Sam Morril?

  I was just, I took a night off last week, just threw on an old movie. I never, you ever just feel like old movie, haven't seen it, should have seen it? Last Picture Show, fucking unbelievable.

• 1:17:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a classic. Classic movie.

• 1:17:07Sam Morril?

  Uh, young Jeff Bridges, young Stipple Shepherd, beautiful, man. Small town, Texas, fucking loved it. Peter Bogdanovich, incredible movie.

• 1:17:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, great movie.

• 1:17:15Speaker 01

  You know, Bogdanovich is crazy because he dumped his whoever and hooked up with Dorothy Stratton, star 80, model of the year. Playmate model of the year. And then she was executed by her boyfriend.

• 1:17:29Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:17:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, star 80. And then he, once she got executed, he just started dating her younger sister.

• 1:17:36Mark Normand?

  No way.

• 1:17:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's a power move.

• 1:17:40Mark Normand?

  Wow, that's worse than Arnold.

• 1:17:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:43Mark Normand?

  Wow, younger sis.

• 1:17:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, started dating a younger sister.

• 1:17:47Mark Normand?

  It's kind of like Amazon. If you like this, I recommend this.

• 1:17:50Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 1:17:53Sam Morril?

  It'll be here in two days.

• 1:17:54Speaker 01

  Here it is.

• 1:17:55Mark Normand?

  Thirty-three forty. Here it comes, guys.

• 1:17:58Speaker 01

  This is a lot, yeah.

• 1:17:59Sam Morril?

  All right, it's coming up in 10 seconds. Wait, we have to watch Alon Gold do Seinfeld?

• 1:18:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 1:18:04Sam Morril?

  That's it?

• 1:18:06Mark Normand?

  The Jewish loop.

• 1:18:08Speaker 01

  Well, listen to it. It's funny. You can start at the top. You don't want to prod the king. That's the problem. I would prod the king, right, if I was Frank. Spike should have.

• 1:18:17Speaker 04

  Yeah. I talked with Adam Carolla. Oh, yeah. Who wanted me to see his, uh...

• 1:18:22Mark Normand?

  Here we go. Here we go.

• 1:18:24Speaker 04

  People around. And there was so much, uh, you know, uh, interaction going on. It was terrible for me to maneuver. He kept pushing me.

• 1:18:33Speaker 01

  Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. There's always people around.

• 1:18:36Mark Normand?

  Elon, shut up!

• 1:18:37Speaker 01

  His trailer. His air-conditioned trailer.

• 1:18:40Sam Morril?

  Watch us be forty-minute breakdown.

• 1:18:44Mark Normand?

  This is like Zapruder.

• 1:18:47Speaker 01

  Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

• 1:18:52Speaker 01

  You start moving and people start grabbing. All right, jump ahead. We'll see. We'll get back there.

• 1:18:58Speaker 04

  The winter vote of reality. You'll say, "I'll say it now." "Nice car. It's a nice car." Yeah, great. You're great. But it is weird. Isn't it kinda cool to meet another guy with a 935? Look right over there. There's a 935.

• 1:19:12Mark Normand?

  Spike, voice of reason.

• 1:19:13Speaker 04

  I don't own that car anymore. You don't? No. That car's been sold. Sold. That was the one out at Goody, right? That's right.

• 1:19:19Speaker 01

  I won't even look at them.

• 1:19:21Sam Morril?

  In two minutes, he's gonna be doing Walkin'.

• 1:19:26Speaker 01

  All right, you got it. That's him saying, "I'm not going over to see this car."

• 1:19:30Mark Normand?

  I stand by...

• 1:19:30Sam Morril?

  I don't think it was that bad.

• 1:19:31Mark Normand?

  I stand by my point. I think he was just done seeing... It's like my peeve today. He's like, "I don't wanna react to something."

• 1:19:37Speaker 01

  Listen, Jacksleeve.

• 1:19:41Sam Morril?

  He's... Which, by the way, was originally the name of Ask Jeeves.

• 1:19:46Speaker 01

  He's standing in a sea of vintage Porsche race cars, and mine is one hundred feet that way.

• 1:19:54Sam Morril?

  Unlike your jacket, which was a sea of Mark Normans.

• 1:19:56Speaker 01

  Over there.

• 1:19:59Speaker 03

  Pogdanovich, what a generational run he was on. He did Saddle Shepherd 2.

• 1:20:03Sam Morril?

  That's the Last Dance level shit. That's MJ in Utah.

• 1:20:08Mark Normand?

  And he's no prize either. He is not a handsome man, Pogdanovich.

• 1:20:11Speaker 01

  But he made some fucking great movies. Paper Moon also. Oh, my God.

• 1:20:15Mark Normand?

  Wow, is that right?

• 1:20:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, he was a... He was a talent.

• 1:20:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he was.

• 1:20:20Sam Morril?

  Great on The Sopranos as a therapist, too.

• 1:20:21Mark Normand?

  That's right! By the way, also Mel Brooks doc is unreal.

• 1:20:24Sam Morril?

  I gotta watch it.

• 1:20:25Mark Normand?

  It's unreal.

• 1:20:26Sam Morril?

  I'll watch it. Judd sent me like two clips. I gotta watch it.

• 1:20:29Mark Normand?

  I didn't realize how tough the guy was tough. He beat people up.

• 1:20:31Sam Morril?

  He's 99.

• 1:20:32Mark Normand?

  He saw action in World War II. I mean, he's a, he's a real man.

• 1:20:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, you saw Jackson on the.

• 1:20:42Speaker 01

  All right, we're not gonna do any better than that, fellas.

• 1:20:44Speaker 03

  All right, these are.

• 1:20:45Mark Normand?

  Where you at, Adam?

• 1:20:46Speaker 03

  Adam Carolla's dates.

• 1:20:47Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:20:48Speaker 03

  Dallas, Texas.

• 1:20:49Speaker 01

  Texas, what?

• 1:20:50Speaker 03

  Uh oh. So it says Feb 27.

• 1:20:52Speaker 01

  Oh, is there something before that?

• 1:20:53Speaker 03

  There is, but this show comes out like on the 15th, so.

• 1:20:55Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, we'll do the math, sorry. Yeah, shows. Just go to adamcarolla.com, there's a bunch of live.

• 1:21:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, Dallas, Texas.

• 1:21:02Speaker 01

  I'm not doing Rich Man, Poor Man, so fuck off.

• 1:21:06Speaker 03

  Oh, are you getting a Hollywood Walk of Fame star?

• 1:21:07Speaker 01

  I am.

• 1:21:08Mark Normand?

  Whoa. I can't wait to piss all over that.

• 1:21:12Speaker 01

  I never talk about it. I instead complain about Seinfeld.

• 1:21:16Mark Normand?

  That's low self-esteem.

• 1:21:17Speaker 01

  And that's why I shit with the common man.

• 1:21:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:21Sam Morril?

  You gotta get him to introduce it.

• 1:21:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, yes.

• 1:21:25Speaker 04

  Have him drive the 935.

• 1:21:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:27Mark Normand?

  Park right next to it.

• 1:21:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:29Sam Morril?

  No, he's gotta get out of here. We'll do it.

• 1:21:31Speaker 03

  Okay, okay.

• 1:21:31Sam Morril?

  He's gotta get out of here. All right.

• 1:21:32Speaker 01

  Thanks, you guys.

• 1:21:33Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:21:33Mark Normand?

  Thank you, Carolla. What a, what a pro. What a pro. So many laughs.

• 1:21:37Speaker 01

  It was fun, right?

• 1:21:38Mark Normand?

  That was a really good app.

• 1:21:39Sam Morril?

  All right, fun app with Adam.

• 1:21:41Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:21:42Sam Morril?

  You're trying to hand me something, Salakies. What is this?

• 1:21:44Speaker 03

  You have me coming to your show on the 27th.

• 1:21:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you're ta, you're photographing my special in Tampa. February 26th and 27th, I'm taping there. What do we got here? What is this?

• 1:21:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, mama.

• 1:21:56Sam Morril?

  Is this Tom Waits?

• 1:21:58Speaker 03

  Oh, yes. It's Tom Waits.

• 1:22:02Speaker 03

  1977.

• 1:22:03Mark Normand?

  Whoa, what a badass photo.

• 1:22:05Speaker 03

  In Los Angeles.

• 1:22:07Mark Normand?

  Who's the girl? Like a?

• 1:22:08Speaker 03

  It's a burlesque dancer.

• 1:22:09Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:22:10Sam Morril?

  That's a cool picture, dude. Thank you.

• 1:22:11Speaker 03

  That's a negative I found at a flea market and I had printed.

• 1:22:15Sam Morril?

  Whoa, thank you.

• 1:22:17Mark Normand?

  Cool.

• 1:22:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:18Sam Morril?

  I love Tom Waits.

• 1:22:19Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:22:20Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:22:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah, man.

• 1:22:21Mark Normand?

  You found that negative?

• 1:22:22Speaker 03

  I found the negative and I make prints of him.

• 1:22:23Sam Morril?

  I found this negative.

• 1:22:24Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:22:26Speaker 03

  I have a website called Negative Collection where I make.

• 1:22:29Sam Morril?

  I've seen it, yeah.

• 1:22:30Speaker 03

  And that's one of them.

• 1:22:30Sam Morril?

  Oh, it's very cool. Thank you, man.

• 1:22:32Mark Normand?

  H I B negative.

• 1:22:33Sam Morril?

  Gotta get a frame. Beautiful. Uh, awesome.

• 1:22:36Speaker 03

  I got some dates here. I think these are, might be marks.

• 1:22:39Sam Morril?

  When is this coming out?

• 1:22:40Speaker 03

  Mid Feb is what I was told.

• 1:22:41Mark Normand?

  Mid Feb, baby. Well, you know what? Fuck it. I'm putting it out there. I don't know if I'm allowed to, but Netflix special, March 17.

• 1:22:48Speaker 03

  Hey, Marmotov.

• 1:22:50Mark Normand?

  Tell a friend, spread the love, spread your cheeks.

• 1:22:53Sam Morril?

  March 17th, you should be able to fucking put it out there.

• 1:22:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, they got all these weird dumb rules, like, don't promote them. Like, why not promote more? You know, we're trying to get people to see it, aren't we? But yeah, Netflix, March 17th.

• 1:23:04Sam Morril?

  Beautiful.

• 1:23:04Mark Normand?

  And Sammy's taping his in Tampa.

• 1:23:07Sam Morril?

  I'm taping a special for, for, I don't know if I can say.

• 1:23:10Mark Normand?

  Who knows?

• 1:23:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, for, wink, wink, we'll see. Uh, yeah, Tampa, February, uh, 26th and 27th. 27th sold out. I think there's only a few tickets left for the 26th. Tampa Theater, gonna be very cool, got a cool looking set, gonna have this man photographing there, gonna be awesome. Best photographer in the game. And then we have, uh, yeah.

• 1:23:29Mark Normand?

  Cave Don Salicus, huh?

• 1:23:31Sam Morril?

  And then, uh, I beat up on him enough, I gotta give him props, too.

• 1:23:34Mark Normand?

  Good point, good point.

• 1:23:36Sam Morril?

  But then we have, uh, you know, best photos, man. But, uh, so then we have, uh, Providence the week before, I think we just added a late show. On Thursday, just, just to get a few reps in, but, uh, I think those will all go. Uh, Stanford, late show Thursday, too. I think that's the only one not sold out, so.

• 1:23:52Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:23:52Sam Morril?

  I hope I see you guys, uh, last times I'm running there, Stanford and Providence and Tampa, then fucking back to work. Kill me now.

• 1:23:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I know, it's daunting.

• 1:24:01Sam Morril?

  A cripple for a year and a half.

• 1:24:02Mark Normand?

  I'm at Stress Factor all weekend, eating shit for 20 minutes where you're trying the new, you know, and then you're people.

• 1:24:07Sam Morril?

  But you're fucking, you're a machine, man, you'll figure it out.

• 1:24:09Mark Normand?

  You gotta do it, it's the only way. And I think people get it, like, we're lucky enough to be able to try new, fuck around, and doing great rooms. Look at the rooms you're doing, are the funnest clubs, same, same here.

• 1:24:19Sam Morril?

  No, it's great, I mean, that's, life is good, man.

• 1:24:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:22Sam Morril?

  I got no complaints, it's just like, man, it's just, you know, we've done it enough times, turning over the material, you just know what you're in for.

• 1:24:28Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 1:24:29Sam Morril?

  Fuck, it just feels bad. It's also, I can't, doing new shit at the cellar is so hard.

• 1:24:34Mark Normand?

  It's so hard.

• 1:24:35Sam Morril?

  People are just bringing the hits before you. And then you go up and you, you flub a few and you're just like, alright, I'm, I'm the fucking dead weight on the show.

• 1:24:42Mark Normand?

  Exactly, and you only have fif- 12, 15 minutes, so it's not like you can pull it all the, the nosedive up, sometimes.

• 1:24:48Sam Morril?

  Well, it, when you're tweaking that 15, it's gold.

• 1:24:52Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:24:52Sam Morril?

  You're just like, I'm fucking molding this, this is killer, I got four in a night to figure this out.

• 1:24:56Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:24:56Sam Morril?

  When you're building, you're like.

• 1:24:57Mark Normand?

  When you're building.

• 1:24:58Sam Morril?

  I don't have enough time to prove I'm good.

• 1:25:00Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:25:00Sam Morril?

  And be likeable.

• 1:25:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:02Sam Morril?

  And do new shit.

• 1:25:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and win you over who you don't know me. So I gotta win you over, then try new, lose you, get you back. It's, it's a tap dance.

• 1:25:10Sam Morril?

  It's a tough one.

• 1:25:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:11Sam Morril?

  And the cellar's tough. I gotta, I'm gonna have to really start doing different rooms. Uh, if you got indie shows, hit me up.

• 1:25:16Mark Normand?

  I got it, I got two.

• 1:25:18Sam Morril?

  Oh yeah, I'll be doing your shows.

• 1:25:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, all right. We'd love to have you.

• 1:25:20Sam Morril?

  I'd love to do it.

• 1:25:22Mark Normand?

  All right, and I'm in Tulsa, Flagstaff, Arizona, Swahili at the Desert Diamond Casino, Indianapolis, Buffalo, and Portland, Maine is already sold out. Providence Roadhouse, that's one of the great theaters. Lexington, Kentucky, Dania Beach, which is Fort Lauderdale, Raleigh, and LA for the Netflix Fest.

• 1:25:47Sam Morril?

  Oh yeah, I'm doing LA too. I don't know, I didn't plug that. Also, Portugal just went on. I'm doing LA.

• 1:25:50Mark Normand?

  Portugal?

• 1:25:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I'm doing Lisbon, August, uh, end of August, uh, Lisbon, Portugal. So I'm gonna add a whole bunch more of European dates again, places I didn't hit. That's why I was asking you about Finland the other day.

• 1:26:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:02Sam Morril?

  Uh, and then, uh, I also added, uh, yeah, I'm in LA in May as well. I believe it's the 7th with Jordan Jensen, Joe List, and Rachel Feinstein.

• 1:26:10Mark Normand?

  What a lineup.

• 1:26:11Sam Morril?

  Doing a fun little, you know?

• 1:26:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:13Sam Morril?

  Show with some friends and.

• 1:26:15Mark Normand?

  I heard you're.

• 1:26:15Sam Morril?

  United Theater?

• 1:26:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, this, yours is?

• 1:26:18Sam Morril?

  I think so. I don't know what the.

• 1:26:19Mark Normand?

  I don't think it's listed yet.

• 1:26:21Sam Morril?

  It should be.

• 1:26:21Mark Normand?

  May 7th, oh, there it is. There it is. United Theater. Okay, that's a fun, uh.

• 1:26:26Sam Morril?

  I've never done that one.

• 1:26:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, equal opportunity show too. Two and two. Yeah, that's nice.

• 1:26:31Sam Morril?

  Hey.

• 1:26:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah. All right, well, check out our punch ups, our websites, uh, get some bodega.

• 1:26:36Sam Morril?

  Bodega Cats popping up everywhere. I think we're in an Analog in the Village now.

• 1:26:40Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:26:40Sam Morril?

  Which is a cool little spot, really sweet, cool bar with cool cocktails. I, we had that PB and J drink there the other night. Tastes like a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

• 1:26:49Mark Normand?

  Scrumptious.

• 1:26:50Sam Morril?

  Unreal.

• 1:26:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's, it's gonna get the kids drunk. It's a bad idea, but it tastes like heaven. And we're also.

• 1:26:55Sam Morril?

  Comes with Lunchables now, it's great.

• 1:26:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah. We're also in a Tippettina's in New Orleans, which is, uh, that's our. Iconic. It's like our CBGB's, so.

• 1:27:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and then.

• 1:27:05Mark Normand?

  That's an honor.

• 1:27:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we're Lartuzzi in the, uh, in the West Village, one of the best restaurants in the country. Unbelievable restaurant.

• 1:27:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we've eaten there twice.

• 1:27:12Sam Morril?

  Oh my gosh, the best.

• 1:27:14Mark Normand?

  Blitzed.

• 1:27:14Sam Morril?

  Get blitzed there every time, excellent. And then we got, uh, your Strip House.

• 1:27:19Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:27:19Sam Morril?

  Comedy Cellar's cruising through cases and they're opening another room. I mean.

• 1:27:23Mark Normand?

  Comedy Store, on the menu.

• 1:27:25Sam Morril?

  Thank you Comedy Store for that one. We, our, our booze got passed there before us. I love it, but we're grateful.

• 1:27:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:32Sam Morril?

  And we gotta pop in when we're there. And all these other clubs are serving it. I mean, this is, Stress Factory's serving it.

• 1:27:38Mark Normand?

  That's right, yeah.

• 1:27:39Sam Morril?

  Fuck yeah.

• 1:27:39Mark Normand?

  They're all weekend. I drank it last night.

• 1:27:41Sam Morril?

  Message Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram. Our boy Matt will tee it up for us. But yeah, please, we wanna be at your bar. We're, it's like, what, 20-something states we're legal in?

• 1:27:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:54Sam Morril?

  Booze is tricky, but we're getting there.

• 1:27:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. We're doing it, folks. So, yeah, get a bottle and get a bottle at the club. Or a cocktail. Good lord!

• 1:28:03Sam Morril?

  I mean, these are like, they're really off-putting today.

• 1:28:05Mark Normand?

  I have like, eight different instruments in my ass. I'm like Prince. All right.

• 1:28:11Sam Morril?

  Next to fucking Louis Armstrong here.

• 1:28:14Sam Morril?

  Louis Armstrong. We love you, guys. Take it easy.

• 1:28:17Mark Normand?

  Take it easy.

• 1:28:18Speaker 05

  Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pevereck, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.

• 1:29:05Speaker 06

  When you shop Kroger Delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. From delicious produce to everyday essentials, enjoy the convenience of delivery and the trusted selection you've come to know from Kroger. Because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. Right now, enjoy free delivery on orders of $50 or more with your digital coupon. Restrictions apply. See site for details. Kroger. Fresh for everyone.