Ep 246: Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons joins Mark and Sam for a wild one. From Boston blow-fueled road gigs and Charlie Sheen stories to rat infestations and exterminators with hockey sticks, nothing’s off limits. They cover Ellen horror stories, the porn awards, big hog rumors, and the grind of writing a new hour. Plus, Fitz reflects on his upbringing, mescaline-fueled teenage adventures, and life in Venice Beach. Greg's Website: https://gregfitzsimmons.com Fitz Dog Radio: https://gregfitzsimmons.com/podcast Sponsored by: 💸 Your new wardrobe awaits! Get $10 off @chubbies with the code DRUNKS https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/DRUNKS 🧵 Support the show and get free shipping on your Quince order, plus 365-day returns https://www.quince.com/drunk 🎧 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD 🛒 Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ 🎬 Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ 🎙️ Check out That Sounds Right — the comedy panel show hosted by the producer of WMBD: https://www.youtube.com/@thatsoundsrightshow Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #GregFitzsimmons #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ChubbiesPod #Quince #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Sam Morril?

  And now we're live.

• 0:07Mark Normand?

  Hey, we're gonna do some shit talking before we heated these puppies up. We got Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Come on.

• 0:16Sam Morril?

  Our old buddy, man. We've known you a while, man.

• 0:19Speaker 02

  Been a long time, and I kinda missed you guys starting out in New York, and you got to the point where you were like, people were like, "Who's good in New York these days?" And this is going back 12 years, and everybody's like, "These two guys," and I hadn't even seen you. And so then when I saw each of you, I was like, "Oh, these are guys that are actually doing stand-up. They're not trying to fucking audition for sitcoms or..."

• 0:45Mark Normand?

  You got that right.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's rare.

• 0:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah, shit.

• 0:48Mark Normand?

  Wait, sorry. What am I doing here?

• 0:49Sam Morril?

  It's called a Spaghetti. You put a little Campari in there. That's what Peter set up for us. Miller Highlight with a little Campari is called a Spaghetti.

• 0:56Mark Normand?

  I don't think I've had this before. Spaghetti?

• 0:59Sam Morril?

  We did it once in the pot a long time ago. It was like the hot summer drink for a minute. It's not bad.

• 1:04Mark Normand?

  It's not bad.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  It's the Aperol Spritz for men.

• 1:08Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 1:08Mark Normand?

  Hey, there we go.

• 1:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I drink Spritzes all the time, dude.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  Do you?

• 1:13Sam Morril?

  At The Cellar, Liz orders them out of the pint glass, and we get fucking hammered. Because they just keep bringing them, and you're like four deep, you're like, "I'm kinda fucked up."

• 1:21Mark Normand?

  They go down easy.

• 1:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, so do women after they have a few.

• 1:28Mark Normand?

  So what's this called?

• 1:29Sam Morril?

  And we've lost our one female listener, just like that. There she goes.

• 1:33Mark Normand?

  Come on, we're drinking Fagets.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  You gotta pronounce that right.

• 1:40Sam Morril?

  Oh, man.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  I got the non-alcoholic.

• 1:43Mark Normand?

  Good for you.

• 1:44Speaker 02

  It's actually a good one.

• 1:44Sam Morril?

  I forgot you were sober.

• 1:46Mark Normand?

  Have you hit 30 years yet?

• 1:47Speaker 02

  35. Yeah, I quit when I was 24 years old. I started young. I started at like 12.

• 1:53Sam Morril?

  The Irish, you're either a full-blown alcoholic or sober, I feel like.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  It's true, especially in Boston where I started, it was like every, like the way you would get gigs when you first started out is if you had 10 minutes and you had a license, then you could work because all the gigs were outside of town, like an hour. And all the headliners had DUIs so they couldn't drive anymore. So you would just take Don Gavin or Steve Sweeney out to Worcester. And you'd get like, you'd get like 50 bucks. It was like me and Rogan and Burr and, you know, we were all, we had our driver's licenses and we'd take people out. Man. Yeah. Those were the days. Six, seven nights a week. Yeah, and it was a lot of blow. Lot of blow, yeah.

• 2:36Sam Morril?

  Do you ever do a lot of blow or no?

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did a lot of blow. That was my final night. It was, uh, it was one of those nights where like, you ever buy an eight ball with like two or three other guys?

• 2:47Sam Morril?

  We've never done coke in our life.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Are you serious? Oh, you should do it!

• 2:51Sam Morril?

  People are always shot.

• 2:52Speaker 02

  It's awesome. It really is. There's a reason why people get hooked on it. It's fucking great.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  Wow, I mean, it looks great. That's why I don't do it. The problem is you guys have too much money to do it. You gotta do it when you're broke because that puts the brakes on because it's so expensive. Good point. You know?

• 3:09Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 3:11Sam Morril?

  A lot, yeah, a lot of, do a lot of, we don't really know anyone who does it anymore. Actually, that's not true.

• 3:16Speaker 02

  We've had a few on here.

• 3:17Sam Morril?

  Speaking of, check out Joe DeRosa's new special.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  I like how you looked on the barrel on your punchlines on a podcast. Yeah, that's true. That's a pro. Pro move.

• 3:27Sam Morril?

  Every once in a while.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  You're like Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, just right in the eyes.

• 3:31Sam Morril?

  Hey, he was fucking, Sheen's a great fucking actor, dude.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:34Sam Morril?

  He's our, he's one of our bucket list get, guests on this pod. We've been, we've been pushing, putting it into the universe for years. Simon Rex almost got him for us.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  Ah, so close. Well, who got you Simon Rex?

• 3:48Sam Morril?

  He's available. Dude, a clip popped up of Simon Rex in Scary Movie 3 where he's supposed to be Eminem. He's trying to be a rapper. Oh, really? You know, and it's just like...

• 3:59Speaker 02

  Oh, I saw that. Yeah.

• 4:00Sam Morril?

  Dude, where Charlie Sheen stops him and he's just like, he's like, "You gotta stop going to this, to these rap battles." He's like, "You just hate me 'cause I'm black."

• 4:09Sam Morril?

  Man, that humor really went away. Yeah.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Dude, he's a, he's a good musician.

• 4:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  He's really good.

• 4:15Sam Morril?

  He's also a really good comedic actor. Dude, the scene, we probably can't play any of this, right? It's gonna get pulled? Yeah, it doesn't matter. I never made it to the third one, I gotta be honest. Dude, it's got some great moments. Okay. Yeah. This is the last of the spoofs. Naked gun is, I heard Naked Gun is great. Is it good?

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Uh, the first half is really good. Like, they, they, they front-loaded it. And then it kinda, and then, you know, some of the gags, they just hit him too many times. So by the second half, you're like, okay, they hand him coffee a lot. It's like really funny, like every time they walk in a room, somebody has them a cup of coffee, 'cause they're cops. And, uh, and there was like, there's, do you want me to, you wanna hear a joke from it or no?

• 4:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah, sure.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  So at one point, he's talking about, it's, uh, it's Drummond's drummer, uh, the...

• 4:58Sam Morril?

  Drebin.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  Drebin's son.

• 5:00Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  And the guy goes, uh, "You, you shot my son." And he goes, "Well, that could be, that could be a thousand guys." And he goes, "You shot him in the back. That could be hundreds of guys." He goes, "He was white." Jimmy Fargo?

• 5:17Sam Morril?

  Damn, I love jokes like that. That's a great joke.

• 5:20Speaker 02

  No, the joke writing was really strong and, uh, you know, the problem with the Naked Gun is Liam Neeson does a great job, but it has to be, the reason why they got Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy is those guys had only done drama before. They were never trying to squeeze a joke out of it.

• 5:37Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  And if you do that even a little bit, it fucks up the whole tone. It's gotta be dead fucking straight.

• 5:43Sam Morril?

  Right. But he's a serious actor. I mean, he's like, he's usually in dramas.

• 5:47Mark Normand?

  That's what he's saying. He's saying it was a good choice.

• 5:49Sam Morril?

  Oh, oh, I thought you were saying that was-

• 5:50Speaker 02

  No, it is a good choice, but he did try to, he did try to juice it a little bit.

• 5:54Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Now and again. Not a lot, but just a, just a hint.

• 5:56Mark Normand?

  Nothing worse than these, uh, serious guys try to go funny. I remember one time, uh, Penelope Cruz was trying to be funny in a movie and it was horrific.

• 6:04Sam Morril?

  Oh, women doing comedy?

• 6:06Mark Normand?

  Ah, I know. But it was so bad-

• 6:09Sam Morril?

  What movie was she trying to be funny in?

• 6:10Mark Normand?

  Ah, it was something, she got her boobs grabbed. I can't remember, that's all I remember, cause she's pretty hot. But, uh, give it a go. Put Penelope Cruz comedy. She was a small role-

• 6:19Sam Morril?

  Just backstage with Harvey Weinstein, wasn't the movie?

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Pam Anderson was good.

• 6:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah?

• 6:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:26Mark Normand?

  She's fun.

• 6:26Sam Morril?

  This is definitely, oh, I heard her, her actual, uh, the last movie she did was really great. The Last Showgirl?

• 6:31Speaker 02

  Last Showgirl, I saw that.

• 6:32Sam Morril?

  Was it good?

• 6:33Speaker 02

  It was good. It wasn't great, but it was good.

• 6:36Mark Normand?

  Did she put makeup on in the movie, for the love of Christ?

• 6:38Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 6:39Mark Normand?

  Damn. Jesus.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  I know.

• 6:42Mark Normand?

  That's, that's it. Yeah, it was bad. I had to watch that on a plane or something.

• 6:47Sam Morril?

  You had to?

• 6:48Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 6:50Sam Morril?

  They put, they put a gun to your head, they're like, you fucking better watch it, dude.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  No, that's like in the old days, like, you guys are too young for that, but they used to play one movie.

• 6:56Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 6:57Sam Morril?

  I remember, that was, I was at the tail end of that.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:00Sam Morril?

  One movie, dude.

• 7:01Mark Normand?

  One movie and cigarettes.

• 7:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, and hot stewardesses.

• 7:05Mark Normand?

  Yes, now it's all gays.

• 7:08Sam Morril?

  Or it's the chicks that were hot then and they're just, they're just 79 now.

• 7:11Mark Normand?

  And they're mean as shit, I'm scared of them. I used to be like, dong, they'd be like, hello, what can I get you? And now they're like, what the fuck do you want?

• 7:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:17Mark Normand?

  I'm like, oh, sorry, jeez. I'm scared of all customer service.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 7:22Mark Normand?

  Waitresses, the lady at the desk, uh, they're all terrifying.

• 7:26Sam Morril?

  Can, can I, can I give you a peeve out of the gate here? This is a, this is a dark story, I have to tell it.

• 7:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, good.

• 7:31Sam Morril?

  I, I was, I was at my laptop the other night at home and I'm writing and I'm like, I'm in a good fucking groove. I was, I'm like, working on a script, I'm like, I'm, nothing can stop me, I'm fucking cooking. A rat runs across my kitchen floor.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  No.

• 7:46Sam Morril?

  And I was like-

• 7:46Mark Normand?

  In your apartment?

• 7:48Sam Morril?

  I'm, I'm on a fucking, I'm a high floor, dude.

• 7:50Mark Normand?

  That's a nice joint, too.

• 7:52Sam Morril?

  Ah.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  I thought they didn't go to high floors.

• 7:54Sam Morril?

  Dude, they do. And I had, I had an exterminator come by. First off, I tell maintenance-

• 7:58Speaker 02

  How big was he?

• 7:59Sam Morril?

  I'll tell, I'll, so I saved the picture. Uh, first off, fucking big. Secondly-

• 8:06Sam Morril?

  I call maintenance, they're like, "It's a mouse." I go, "You think I don't know what a fucking rat is?" They're like, "It's a mouse." I'm like, "Come up and look at the turds. It's a fucking rat."

• 8:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:14Sam Morril?

  I'm like, "These aren't pellets, these are logs, dude. This is dark." And, and they're like everywhere. So it's been there a few days, clearly. I'm noticing them. And I'm like, "Fuck."

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Sounds like he's eating well. He gotta put your shit away.

• 8:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I'm a slob, dude.

• 8:26Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 8:27Sam Morril?

  But, uh, it's bad. And I, uh, I call, you know, Liz from the cellar hooks me up with a exterminator who comes the next day. He's like, "Oh, there's like a hole in this room. That's why it's there." I'm like, "All right, they patch it up." He's like, "99% he's gone." And I'm like, "All right." But, you know, you're like doing like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. You're like, "But there's a chance?" You know, you're like, "Fuck." And I'm like, "All right, uh, hopefully it's gone." But it's not gone. I wake up the next morning, there's more shit. And I'm like, "Fuck." And I had a nightmare. So I don't, I, to this day, I don't know if this nightmare is real, because I was on the phone with my friend. And she lives in LA and she goes, "Uh, I once saw a rat and it was in my bed."

• 9:08Sam Morril?

  And it tried to bite my finger and I panicked and I fucking, she ended up killing it. She, uh, she got in a glue trap and just like dropped it in her pool.

• 9:16Mark Normand?

  Holy shit.

• 9:18Sam Morril?

  It's like, "By the way, fuck these humane deaths for rats." When I catch this fucker on a glue trap, I'm pouring gasoline on him and lighting a fucking match, you know?

• 9:26Mark Normand?

  Who's this? Uh, Whitney Houston? Good lord.

• 9:29Sam Morril?

  No, she killed him in the tub. But, uh, but anyway, dude, uh, I'm like, "Fuck." This is freaking me out. So now I, I wake up the next day, I'm like, "Well, it's probably old poop." That's what the guy says. He goes, "It's probably, is it hard?" I was like, "Yeah, it's kinda hard." I'm like, "All right."

• 9:43Mark Normand?

  Was he an old school guy? Was he like picking the shit up and tasting it, sniffing it?

• 9:48Sam Morril?

  It's definitely a rat.

• 9:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 9:49Sam Morril?

  Yeah. And no, we, uh, so I'm like, "Fuck, this is freaking me out." This is the thing that really freaked me the fuck out. I had a camel back, you know, like you sit, like those backpacks for water and the straw you sit. I look at it, I was gonna fill it up just to like walk around and sip water. He ate the fucking straw, the rat. So I'm like, "This is fucking violating now."

• 10:09Mark Normand?

  You gotta call ICE.

• 10:10Sam Morril?

  This is not, so I got another exterminator. They're just like, "Yeah, I don't know if he's still here." They're like doing the, you know, looking around. I'm like, "God damn it." I have, I don't know if it's a dream or I don't know if it was real to this day. I think a rat was in my bed. Oh. I look and I'm just like, huh, and I just went, I fell back asleep. And then I was like, I, it might, eighty percent it's a dream, but there's a chance it was, she might have put it in my head. But then anyway, I'm like, I feel like it's still here. But then I was like, I didn't see any shit. I see shit again. This is day five. So this has been in my house for, I don't know, five days now. And I'm just like freaking out. I'm like, I need a fucking, I need to call another guy. This guy that Liz sent me out with, he's like, I live three hours out of the city. I'm like, what?

• 10:52Sam Morril?

  So it would take me three hours to get there. I'm like, no, I need someone now. I need someone now. I'm freaking out. So, uh, I call these, I just find these guys on Google and they're like rough around the edges. Can you be here in like forty minutes or like forty minutes we'll fucking be there? He said fuck on the phone. I was like, alright, let's do it. He's like intense. I was like, alright. They, it's him and two other dudes. My doorman calls me up and he's like, those guys are assholes. I'm like, what do you mean they're assholes? He's, I was like, how did they offend you in like just walking up? He's like, they got like a bad attitude in my head. I'm like, good. Good. Bring them in. Come in, they're like pushing through everything. I'm like, this is cool. I had to run out because I had a, I had a thing. I had to run out. But he texts me. They're sniffing your underwear?

• 11:33Sam Morril?

  He texts me this picture. Pull it up, Sal, here's. Oh, there he is. They got him. Look how fucking big that thing is.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's pretty big.

• 11:42Sam Morril?

  And I go, I go. Look at those turds.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  Look at the turds. Two different colors.

• 11:46Sam Morril?

  I go, I go, you found him dead? He goes, I made him dead. That's what he wrote back. I'm like, what did you do? He goes, I call him. He goes, we travel with hockey sticks. And I said, what? What the fuck? They travel with hockey sticks and they just beat the fucking rat to death with it.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  Dude, it's like the Florida Panthers.

• 12:03Sam Morril?

  Dude, they fucking beat it to death. And I was like, what do you mean? He goes, whenever we'd go to places and we'd see like rats or mice, we would just, we would use our baseball bats or a broom. And we're like, yeah, we'll just bring hockey sticks. I'm like, you guys fucking rule.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  Maybe that's the retirement plan for the Panthers. They just all become exterminators.

• 12:19Sam Morril?

  It feels like one of the, like one of the Warriors gangs, you know, the ones with hockey sticks comes in. Well, there's something so inherently likeable about. Exterminators, cuz it's such a fucking brutal job.

• 12:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:30Sam Morril?

  But it's also, I'm envious of these people for being so numb to being disgus- cuz this, to me, look how-

• 12:35Mark Normand?

  That's fat, look how thick he is.

• 12:37Sam Morril?

  Oh dude.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  The worst is the tail. We had him in my yard, uh, a couple of weeks ago.

• 12:42Sam Morril?

  Ugh.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  And like, they kept showing up, like, we used to get, I live in Venice Beach, so we'd get like, one rat a, a year, running across our yard. Then all of a sudden, every fucking night, there's a rat running across. So, I just, uh, I just go get like, ten traps. And I put peanut butter on him, and I put him out, and, uh, the next morning, I wake up and six of them have rats. But, one of the traps is missing.

• 13:09Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  We got a runner. We got a guy-

• 13:13Mark Normand?

  You got a fugitive.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, he got-

• 13:14Sam Morril?

  You almost respect him.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  They got his leg or something, and he fucking, he probably dieharded it out of there.

• 13:20Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  And you know, he went back to the, after that, we didn't catch any, cuz he went back to the nest-

• 13:24Sam Morril?

  He goes back to his friends, like, guys, it's bad over there.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're like, Jimmy, you got a little something right here, you know?

• 13:31Sam Morril?

  Dude, it, it freaks me the fuck out. I, I can't believe, this, I mean, that is fucking-

• 13:36Mark Normand?

  Look at that thing, I mean, that's a, that's like a, like a possum.

• 13:39Sam Morril?

  Dude, it's huge. I know. Yeah, you're coming with like an Italian fucking pest controller coming, just fucking start whaling on him.

• 13:46Mark Normand?

  Can we plug these guys? I mean, give these guys a shout out.

• 13:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, let me see, uh, it's, they're on 110th Street, I think it's, it's VC-

• 13:52Speaker 02

  It's definitely an Italian name.

• 13:53Sam Morril?

  It's VC, um-

• 13:55Speaker 02

  Victor Cordova.

• 13:56Sam Morril?

  Put a little piano wire around his neck.

• 13:58Mark Normand?

  You fucking cocksucker.

• 14:01Sam Morril?

  Dude, uh-

• 14:02Mark Normand?

  Oh my god.

• 14:03Sam Morril?

  It's on West 110th Extermination, it's VC something, yeah, they're fuck, I left a review, uh, Google reviews, you could find it. Let's see.

• 14:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, West 110th Street.

• 14:14Mark Normand?

  Man, we gotta send him into Hamas. Just, just kill them all with hockey sticks.

• 14:18Sam Morril?

  You go to 100th, dude. 100? No, it's 110th. I'm sorry.

• 14:22Mark Normand?

  Up on 110th Street.

• 14:25Sam Morril?

  Great song. Jackie Brown, baby.

• 14:27Mark Normand?

  Yes, exactly.

• 14:28Sam Morril?

  Opening scene.

• 14:28Mark Normand?

  The Delphonics, I think.

• 14:30Sam Morril?

  Oh, VJ? No, is it VJ? Oh, I thought it was VC. Go down, yeah, maybe it's VJ, maybe I was wrong, I don't fucking know. Yeah, yeah, go to reviews, I left one, yeah. Leave another one.

• 14:41Mark Normand?

  VJ, go check out them, you live in New York.

• 14:43Speaker 02

  Wait, I wanna read your review.

• 14:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, did you leave one? I did.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Hey, they get a lot.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  You didn't say anything about hockey sticks.

• 14:53Sam Morril?

  These guys are quick, efficient, and they get the job done. Very helpful. Five stars. Yay.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  Tony's got a great slap shot.

• 15:02Sam Morril?

  Dude. Yeah, it's only my second review I've ever left, so it takes a lot for me to get on there.

• 15:07Speaker 02

  Wait, look up his other review.

• 15:09Mark Normand?

  Go down.

• 15:11Mark Normand?

  Did a great job. They were very thorough. Extremely professional. Alright, not to the doorman, apparently.

• 15:18Sam Morril?

  Dude, they were fucking awesome. And, uh... Fucking rats. Then my friend told me another story about another rat she has in her place. And she gets cornered by it in her bedroom.

• 15:28Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 15:28Sam Morril?

  She falls on the floor, panics, pushes over a dresser, the rat's trapped behind it, and she just kicks the dresser into the wall and smushes it.

• 15:34Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 15:35Sam Morril?

  So she just hears "ahhh" from the rat.

• 15:38Mark Normand?

  Good. Kill him.

• 15:40Sam Morril?

  I was like, that's kinda badass. I'm also talking to a friend of mine who's, I mean, I'm hearing all, when you start talking about this, everyone starts telling you stories. Another guy, I mean, just look at this fucking... You put up a good fight, and you won the battle, but I won the war, you piece of shit. Anyway...

• 15:53Mark Normand?

  There's a lot of bodega cat in that rat, I bet.

• 15:57Sam Morril?

  He's living very well.

• 15:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Sam Morril?

  But, uh, we had, uh, I saw a friend and he goes, "Yeah, like back in the day, I was in an apartment, and we had glue traps behind, behind the, uh, stove, and two mice end on it." So we just had to listen to them die.

• 16:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 16:12Sam Morril?

  For like, two fucking days. We're just hearing "ahhh."

• 16:15Mark Normand?

  Heard that.

• 16:16Sam Morril?

  She has to turn up the TV like, "Oh, fuck."

• 16:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Yeah, we gotta, I live in Brooklyn. Every Wednesday, you put the garbage out. And I put the garbage out, and I run back upstairs, the stoop, and I look out the window, and I see the ratchets go to the garbage. Every night. So what I did was... Yeah, it's chum.

• 16:33Sam Morril?

  That's why Ratatouille, he had to be like an adorable chef.

• 16:35Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 16:36Sam Morril?

  You can't make them as they are.

• 16:37Mark Normand?

  False advertising, because these things are mean, and they chew through concrete. So that cock bullshit doesn't stand a chance.

• 16:43Sam Morril?

  And they jump. If you, if you go with them, they will jump.

• 16:45Mark Normand?

  They jump. They jump.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're jumpers.

• 16:47Mark Normand?

  So I went on Amazon, and I bought like, great X rat poison, and I just started...

• 16:53Speaker 02

  On the street?

• 16:54Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Like where the dogs walk by?

• 16:56Mark Normand?

  Well, I kept it in the cracks. I kept it in the, there's some holes in the, in the side.

• 17:01Sam Morril?

  And that was water supplies tainted?

• 17:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but I just shoved it all in there and just packed it in and then like three days later I saw a dead rat there, dead rat there, so.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:09Mark Normand?

  Fuck them.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  Dead poodle there.

• 17:12Sam Morril?

  A few babies.

• 17:13Mark Normand?

  Baby, exactly. Looked like Planned Parenthood out there.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  Oh, I just thought of another joke from, uh, from the movie.

• 17:21Mark Normand?

  Please.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  They said, um, they said to him, uh, oh, this, this guy died of, uh, manslaughter and he's like, ma- no, he goes, "How did you die from, uh, a man's laughter? How good was the joke?" He goes, "No, it's manslaughter."

• 17:38Mark Normand?

  That is good.

• 17:39Sam Morril?

  That's pretty good.

• 17:40Mark Normand?

  That's like the rapist.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Good stuff. Alright, well, I'll watch it then.

• 17:45Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna see it for sure. Stavi was telling me it was funny.

• 17:47Mark Normand?

  I'm so obsessed with the old one. Like, I grew up on that. I know every joke.

• 17:51Sam Morril?

  God, the old one is incredible.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  I had David Zucker on my podcast.

• 17:54Mark Normand?

  Whoa!

• 17:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, he was fucking great. But he's not in this movie!

• 17:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he must be pretty pissed off, right?

• 17:59Speaker 02

  He even said to me when he was on my show, he's like, "I already wrote, uh, a follow-up and nobody will read it." Cause he's an old white guy in Hollywood.

• 18:06Mark Normand?

  God, Hollywood. Fucking queefs out there.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:10Mark Normand?

  It's Zucker. I mean, Airplane, he's a legend.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 18:14Sam Morril?

  Airplane is so good.

• 18:15Mark Normand?

  So good!

• 18:16Speaker 02

  So great. So quotable.

• 18:17Mark Normand?

  You know, that's what, uh, they say made Tom Kenny kill himself. You know about this?

• 18:22Sam Morril?

  Tom Kenny?

• 18:23Mark Normand?

  I think I have the-

• 18:24Sam Morril?

  SpongeBob?

• 18:25Mark Normand?

  Did I have the name wrong?

• 18:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's not the right guy.

• 18:27Mark Normand?

  Bob Kenny?

• 18:27Speaker 02

  Tom Kenny's the voice of SpongeBob, right.

• 18:29Mark Normand?

  Who's Bob?

• 18:29Speaker 02

  Good call.

• 18:30Mark Normand?

  Who did, uh, the lampoon? Animal House?

• 18:33Sam Morril?

  Oh, uh-

• 18:34Mark Normand?

  Bob Kenny?

• 18:35Sam Morril?

  You know, the guy, yeah, I know who you're talking, Caddyshack.

• 18:37Mark Normand?

  Caddyshack guy.

• 18:38Sam Morril?

  I think of Caddyshack.

• 18:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, so he was lauded as the, Doug Kenny, sorry.

• 18:44Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 18:45Mark Normand?

  He did all the best comedies, you know, Caddyshack, Animal House, National Lampoon, everything. He was the king! He was like, "I'm the best." Airplane came out and he killed himself.

• 18:56Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  They say he fell off a cliff and didn't kill himself.

• 18:59Mark Normand?

  Nah, come on.

• 19:01Speaker 03

  He's also in Animal House. He's this guy.

• 19:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, I remember.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  What are we supposed to do, you morons, that guy?

• 19:06Mark Normand?

  What the hell we supposed to do, you morons?

• 19:09Sam Morril?

  That is fucking, I mean, that's, we, we gotta strive for, we gotta make something so good, people start offing themselves, man.

• 19:14Mark Normand?

  That's the plan, let's do it.

• 19:16Sam Morril?

  Let's get that movie made, Norman, shit.

• 19:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I don't know, what's taking so long?

• 19:20Sam Morril?

  Oh, it's tough. Fucking, oh, that guy, he's, he's great, that dude.

• 19:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, he was in a bunch of shit, character actor.

• 19:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Supranos and The Mask.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:30Mark Normand?

  He was always a cop. Uh, so, yeah, how the hell are you? You got your, you got your special on YouTube? I watched the whole goddamn thing.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks, man.

• 19:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and, uh...

• 19:40Speaker 02

  I should ask, I should see if he liked it before I said thanks.

• 19:43Mark Normand?

  No, I liked it, I liked it. The baseball chunk is gold.

• 19:46Sam Morril?

  I, I fucking gotta, I gotta watch it, I should've watched it before I had you. I'm gonna watch it, I'm gonna watch it this week.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, everybody should watch it, it's, uh, we did good, we did good in the first, uh, year, we got like a half a million views, it's not a million, so let's get it to a million.

• 19:58Mark Normand?

  Get it to a million.

• 19:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 19:59Mark Normand?

  It's definitely worth a watch.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Um, but, yeah, it was good because, like, it gave me a chance. I missed your guys' podcasts, but I went out and I did everybody's podcasts and, like, you guys put out specials, it's kinda fun to do a podcast tour.

• 20:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Like, everybody's different.

• 20:13Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  You just go in and, you know, you try to figure out everybody's energy and, um, uh, but I did, uh...

• 20:20Mark Normand?

  It's like new pussy. You gotta figure out, every chick, you gotta be like, oh, this is over here.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 20:25Mark Normand?

  On you.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:26Mark Normand?

  Or you like it rough, you like it soft, whatever.

• 20:28Sam Morril?

  This podcast has hairy areolas. This is weird.

• 20:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 20:32Sam Morril?

  The hell?

• 20:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then, uh, and then just touring and, you know, coming up with a new hour is always kind of a cool challenge. You always, like, spend the first three months just cranking and you got tons of new shit.

• 20:45Sam Morril?

  Snapping on poor audiences. Fucking idiot, that's a good joke.

• 20:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:49Sam Morril?

  No, it's not.

• 20:49Mark Normand?

  Then you wonder, how did I ever write a joke before?

• 20:51Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, right, and then, and then you kinda slug off for a while.

• 20:55Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  You know, but...

• 20:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah, once you get that first 15, you're like, alright, I can survive.

• 21:00Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Do a little crowd work. But I was pretty disciplined about like not doing anything from the last hour.

• 21:06Mark Normand?

  Nice.

• 21:07Sam Morril?

  It's so hard, dude.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  It's so hard, yeah.

• 21:09Mark Normand?

  So how much you got, you think?

• 21:10Speaker 02

  I got five, I got five minutes. No, I got an hour, but uh...

• 21:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, already?

• 21:15Speaker 02

  But, no, this was a year ago. The special came out a year ago.

• 21:18Mark Normand?

  Oh geez, it's been a year, sorry.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  Or nine months, nine months. But I had it after, I had it after like four months. But that's with a healthy dose of crowd work, shirt work, some hat work, some first date work.

• 21:31Mark Normand?

  Right, right. Wait, what does that mean?

• 21:33Speaker 02

  That's what I asked him, like, nice shirt, nice hat. This is your first date?

• 21:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, it is so damn hard, man. It's like, you start from zero and you're like, is this? Then you start listening to the last one, you're like, how do I write a joke again?

• 21:48Mark Normand?

  I know, but the problem is you need momentum. But it's so hard to get momentum with new shitty material. That you're just like, I can't get going. But then after you have a couple bits, you can add to that one, you can segue into this one. It's a lot easier once you have that. It's like starting a bicycle. The first pedal is hard, then you, once you're going, you're going.

• 22:08Speaker 02

  And then you get chunks and you don't see how, or not even chunks, like single jokes and you go like, alright, this is just dangling there, there's no transition. And then you find like, oh fuck, this goes with, it's like a jigsaw, oh, this goes with this, and this goes with this.

• 22:22Mark Normand?

  Exactly. Then you get a couple pillars. You're like, oh, this is holding up the whole fucking 15 right over here. Then if you get another pillar, now you can play a little bit with these two big bits that always kill, so yeah.

• 22:33Sam Morril?

  Those two thirds done jokes are the brutal ones where you're like, I know this is a really good premise. I know it's got a next, a good turn, but it needs another thing. It's just, as you're saying, it's just hanging there and it's, that's what kills you.

• 22:44Speaker 02

  That's why you need a good feature. Just somebody who's gonna watch you, like, really?

• 22:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I gotta find one. Vider's bombing up there, it's crazy.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Who's your feature?

• 22:52Sam Morril?

  Nah, Vider's great, Gary Vider.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, right, right.

• 22:55Mark Normand?

  I just used a guy, Umar.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  Oh, Khan?

• 22:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah, in Australia, and he was, he was raving.

• 23:01Speaker 02

  Out of Baltimore?

• 23:02Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, he's great.

• 23:03Sam Morril?

  You bring him to Australia?

• 23:04Mark Normand?

  I brought him to Australia, yeah. We had a, we had a great old time.

• 23:06Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 23:07Mark Normand?

  He killed it. We talked about you quite a bit.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  Oh, that's nice.

• 23:09Mark Normand?

  He said you've been sitting on that hour for about 17 years.

• 23:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he did a funny duty. I think he did a guest set on one of my shows in Arlington like way back in the day.

• 23:18Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, he's a good egg. Yeah, he killed it out there.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  But, uh, the best is like, the tough thing is when you're writing your new hour, like you're looking like, I'm reading the fucking New York Post, which is just a premise machine. And then you write topical shit. Like I had like, my, my special came out in August, so I was like, I had all this Olympic material that was crushing, cause it's current.

• 23:39Mark Normand?

  Sure, sure.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  People wanna hear the, and then you go like, oh, that's not part of my new hour. That's good until November, at best.

• 23:46Mark Normand?

  But at least you could put that online, I guess.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, right.

• 23:49Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but you're like, hopefully this Mangione trial gets stretched a little bit, so I like what I have there.

• 23:53Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 23:54Speaker 02

  That kinda died. I thought there was gonna be this, like, this plethora of anti corporate CEO material. Like, I really thought that was a wave, like the, when you saw how people reacted to that murder, you go, oh, this is a turning point. This is like the revolution starts here.

• 24:12Sam Morril?

  We need one more. How about the Ticketmaster guy?

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:14Mark Normand?

  What about the shooter guy in Manhattan? That was kinda corporation-y.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, right, right.

• 24:18Sam Morril?

  Nah, he missed the mark.

• 24:19Mark Normand?

  You think?

• 24:20Sam Morril?

  It was like a, see, he was killing people that had nothing to do with it.

• 24:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 24:23Sam Morril?

  Not that you should go out and kill. I probably should say that, so we don't get demonetized.

• 24:27Mark Normand?

  Tell that to VJ. Exterminator. You guys keep killing.

• 24:32Sam Morril?

  You keep killing. The hockey sticks is so cool to me.

• 24:35Mark Normand?

  Well, it's great about those guys is, those guys are probably sick, twisted fucks who killed the class pet. And then now you can channel that into an occupation. You just gotta find your crazy and then put it into some good. Like those military guys were like, let me out there. I wanna kill some fucking whatever. And you're like, thank God.

• 24:52Sam Morril?

  We're not at war with them anymore, dude.

• 24:54Mark Normand?

  Well, sorry, uh, kill some fucking, uh,

• 24:56Sam Morril?

  Just killing the wrong people.

• 24:57Mark Normand?

  Ruski's or whatever. You need those guys out there who will, who wanna do that. And you don't want them shooting up a school, but you want them shooting up, uh, the enemy.

• 25:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:06Sam Morril?

  Let me out there. It's such a funny thing to say, going into war.

• 25:10Mark Normand?

  Let me at him. Remember that? That was a big thing after 9/11. There was always those corn-fed white guys in the middle of the country like, "I'm going over there." Fuck you. Get out of my way.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Well, that's where the footage of D-Day is so great, because like, the ship opens and they just fucking run at the cliff like, full speed.

• 25:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, then they get shot in the face immediately.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  Oh, what did like, two out of three guys die in that invasion?

• 25:31Mark Normand?

  Some poor kid from Oklahoma, fucking 18 years old, crazy.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  And a lot of them like, hadn't even fought yet. This is their first battle.

• 25:38Mark Normand?

  I know. And then you think how much of a pussy I am, like, just that trip out to Germany, I'd be like, "This is brutal." How long's this flight on? Now we're on a fucking boat?

• 25:48Sam Morril?

  No meal?

• 25:48Mark Normand?

  No meal!

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Staten Island Ferry, I'm like, "This is fucking rocky out here. This is brutal. And I could end up in Staten Island when I'm done."

• 25:56Sam Morril?

  That might be worse than D-Day.

• 25:58Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 25:59Speaker 02

  Right, rank the burrows, Sam.

• 26:02Sam Morril?

  Uh, well, obviously Manhattan is one to me. I go Brooklyn too.

• 26:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah!

• 26:07Sam Morril?

  I go, I go Queens three.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Queens over the Bronx?

• 26:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 26:11Mark Normand?

  Well, the Bronx ain't what it used to be.

• 26:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  I was born in the Bronx. I lived there for the first eight years of my life.

• 26:16Sam Morril?

  Is that disrespectful? I, I like the Bronx.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  I just feel like Bronx is like, more entrenched New Yorkers, whereas like, Queens is like, everybody's from somewhere else.

• 26:26Sam Morril?

  I spent more time in Queens. I also think like, Queens has like, so many, so many different parts. There's like, kind of levels to it, and there's so many different ethnic groups there that you have such a variety of food.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Did you ever hang out in Corona Park with all the old Italians?

• 26:39Sam Morril?

  No, not really.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  They have this, they have this place in Corona, Corona Park is like, this little mafia enclave.

• 26:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  And they jerry-rid, they have like, a little town square, like, a little green, and they, all the mafia guys like, took it over and they hung lights. They like, tapped into the light. And they have like, a bocce court.

• 26:57Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 26:58Sam Morril?

  Oh, I love that.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  And this place, The Lemon King, which is like, the best, uh, lemon ice in the city.

• 27:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, nice.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Oh, it's worth the trip. Great Italian food.

• 27:08Sam Morril?

  We gotta do like, we gotta do it. We might be drunk on the road, like, travel there somewhere.

• 27:11Mark Normand?

  Do some burrows.

• 27:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that could be kind of fun.

• 27:13Mark Normand?

  I would love it. Neighborhood to neighborhood.

• 27:15Sam Morril?

  Neighborhood bar, maybe.

• 27:16Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes. I'm down. And these dive bars are going away out here. You're like dropping like flies.

• 27:21Speaker 02

  In the city?

• 27:22Sam Morril?

  Well, it's like diners. They're kinda like, is it even a dive bar if a beer's nine bucks? You know, it's kinda like, but uh, yeah, I mean, the diners in the city are like, kinda dying. It's sad.

• 27:31Mark Normand?

  Diners are going away. And then I always say, now they have places that identify as a diner.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:36Mark Normand?

  You know, it's got the stools and the counter, but it's eighteen dollars for a fucking orange juice.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was, um, I've just reread a book for the third time called The Power Broker. It is about-

• 27:48Sam Morril?

  You've read that three times?

• 27:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's like twelve hundred pages and I read it three times. Yeah, I mean, the second and third time I jumped around, but the first time I just, you can't put it down, especially as a New Yorker. Like, it talks about how every Parkway, Triboro Bridge, Varizano, uh, Jones Beach, this guy literally, he was like the Parks Commissioner.

• 28:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  But he was there for like fifty years and he had more power, everybody said he had more power than the mayor? The governor? Uh, Tammany Hall, he was around during the Tammany Hall days, but he held the purse strings for all the construction jobs because they were building all the bridges and everything at the same time.

• 28:30Sam Morril?

  He built everything in New York. It's crazy.

• 28:32Mark Normand?

  Is he good or bad?

• 28:33Sam Morril?

  I mean, he was pretty cool, right?

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, he was unbelievably effective and shit got done on time and it got done at cost. And, uh, but he also was a raving racist.

• 28:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 28:48Speaker 02

  And so like he built something like two hundred and fifty city pools and two of them were in black neighborhoods. And, and then when he built, uh, the Jones Beach, he made overpasses that were so low that the city buses with the poor people couldn't get to the beach.

• 29:07Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 29:09Speaker 02

  Did you ever hear about that?

• 29:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I did. It's dark. I have. It's really, yeah.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  And then when he built like the on-ramp for the Triboro Bridge or whatever, he like, uh, he split up- Uh, parts of, uh, the Bronx that were poor and just leveled them in apartments that had little, you know, immigrant towns in them that were poor and left up all the good real estate.

• 29:31Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:32Mark Normand?

  The problem is when you grew up way after this happened, you're like, this guy's great.

• 29:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:37Mark Normand?

  There's a bridge going right here. It's so convenient.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 29:39Mark Normand?

  But, but at the time, it sucked.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, I heard that, um, he, someone said that, uh, when he put the Bronx Expressway through, uh, that broke up those neighborhoods, obviously, but it also affected the, the, the neighborhood in a bad way because, uh, there was not a police presence. The police presence before that was old ladies looking out their window. It was like a real neighborhood situation.

• 30:03Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  And now you don't have that and you don't have no neighborhoods on either side. You just have this giant throughway.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, like Tremont Street was where the Cross Bronx really destroyed the neighborhood.

• 30:11Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Um, but, uh, no, but impressive what you can get. I mean, it's like everybody says about democracy versus like a, a dictatorship. Shit gets done during a dictatorship.

• 30:23Sam Morril?

  When one person is, doesn't have to answer to people.

• 30:26Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:27Speaker 02

  And, uh...

• 30:28Sam Morril?

  And also, New York does tend to thrive under corrupt leaders, unfortunately, you know?

• 30:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:34Sam Morril?

  As it would do a lot of play, like, like in New Orleans.

• 30:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, the mob running shit, obviously, the mob is corrupt and killing people.

• 30:40Sam Morril?

  Oh, in Vegas?

• 30:40Mark Normand?

  But, boy, it's clockwork, baby.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:43Mark Normand?

  Everything gets done.

• 30:44Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:45Mark Normand?

  Protection is safe.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:48Mark Normand?

  They'll kill you, but...

• 30:49Speaker 02

  Well, New York's always had strong mayors.

• 30:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 30:52Speaker 02

  You know, the ones that are good are...

• 30:54Sam Morril?

  Not, not lately.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  No. No, it's been a while.

• 30:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but, yeah, historically...

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Did you like Koch?

• 31:01Sam Morril?

  He was kind of before my time. I was, I was really young for that, but I mean, uh, people seemed to like him.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:08Sam Morril?

  You know, how about you?

• 31:08Speaker 02

  He was a character. Well, my dad had a radio show in New York my whole life. He was on W N W and Koch used to call in every single morning before work and they would go at it because Koch was like, my dad was kind of a bleeding heart liberal.

• 31:21Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  And, uh, he was a New York Times reader and Koch was like a Post reader and, uh, they would just tear it up about the unions and... And whatever, and uh.

• 31:30Mark Normand?

  That's kinda cool that he would call on the radio.

• 31:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:33Mark Normand?

  Kind of ahead of his time.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  He kinda taught, my dad kinda taught him how to do radio. He would call in because he knew he eventually wanted to do a radio show, which he did later.

• 31:41Mark Normand?

  Funny.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  So he was kinda learning on the job.

• 31:42Sam Morril?

  Did he do like the People's Court later?

• 31:44Speaker 02

  He did, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

• 31:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's crazy.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  Fuck, man. That would be the greatest gig in show business.

• 31:51Sam Morril?

  Gay guy too.

• 31:53Mark Normand?

  Is he gay?

• 31:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Never out, never out.

• 31:55Sam Morril?

  Never out. That's gotta be, that's gotta be tough.

• 31:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, is that why he said, there was a big plaque that said, "Don't vote for the..." What was that?

• 32:03Sam Morril?

  Queer?

• 32:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, something, "Stay here and don't vote for the queer." Was that about Koch?

• 32:08Sam Morril?

  Must be.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:09Mark Normand?

  No, I didn't know that. I didn't know, you really see gays that um, unkempf.

• 32:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Barney Frank, he was another one.

• 32:16Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's weird when a gay dude's really out of shape.

• 32:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, gay politicians have to get on their game.

• 32:23Sam Morril?

  Because you know what? Women will look past a dude be looking like shit, but gay dudes are like, "No, you better fucking keep it tight."

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:29Sam Morril?

  Cuomo not for the homo. Dudes are more shallow.

• 32:31Mark Normand?

  Cuomo not the homo. Was that about him?

• 32:33Sam Morril?

  I think so.

• 32:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:34Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 32:35Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 32:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, um, Booty just, he's got it together. He's tight. His, he, his, I'm not into him, but like. I think he's presentable.

• 32:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's very presentable, for sure.

• 32:48Sam Morril?

  Military guy.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Isn't it weird that we got a guy who did two tours of duty, who has like, an impeccable.

• 32:55Sam Morril?

  Three if you count his husband.

• 32:58Sam Morril?

  Thanks, everybody.

• 33:00Speaker 02

  Tour of Danny. And uh.

• 33:02Mark Normand?

  That was tour of Booty.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  I knew you'd do a better one than me. And uh, and like, he's not electable, you know? He's gay, he checks every box for Democrats and he's not electable.

• 33:13Mark Normand?

  Why is he not electable?

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Because he's gay!

• 33:15Sam Morril?

  I just thought, I just thought that a gay guy could really.

• 33:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's fine.

• 33:18Sam Morril?

  Not, not in America, dude.

• 33:19Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 33:20Sam Morril?

  It's too homophobic, the country, I think.

• 33:21Mark Normand?

  But he's so non, he's not like flamboyant or anything.

• 33:24Sam Morril?

  I think, I, I think once you see him with his husband onstage and people are like, "That's not like me," I think too much of the country's like, "Nope."

• 33:32Mark Normand?

  I didn't think about the husband.

• 33:33Sam Morril?

  I think so.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  I think he should go to one of those conversion therapy programs and then come out.

• 33:39Sam Morril?

  That could be big.

• 33:40Speaker 02

  Hip him up with a, get one of Tom Cruise's exes as a beard.

• 33:44Sam Morril?

  He gets divorced and loses his family and then still loses to a Republican in 2028.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:50Sam Morril?

  That'll be great.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  Or he wins and then he comes out and just starts tonguing his husband on stage. I'm back.

• 33:55Sam Morril?

  Does a Kaiser Soze go with his penis?

• 34:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, he's got black kids. Yeah, you're right. I'm out.

• 34:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's kidding.

• 34:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, we tried that with mayors in New York.

• 34:11Sam Morril?

  There's a lot for people to get past here.

• 34:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:14Mark Normand?

  Well, what's his face had black kids?

• 34:17Speaker 02

  The mayor in New York?

• 34:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, de Blasio.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  De Blasio, yeah.

• 34:19Sam Morril?

  He had a black wife, though, too.

• 34:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 34:21Speaker 02

  Oh, was she black?

• 34:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  Oh, alright.

• 34:23Mark Normand?

  Nobody cared about that, right?

• 34:25Sam Morril?

  I think mayor is different than president, dude.

• 34:28Mark Normand?

  I didn't know Koch was gay. I didn't know Buttigieg was gay.

• 34:31Sam Morril?

  This is fun.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  You think it was his idea?

• 34:32Sam Morril?

  This is fun for people who even know who Ed Koch is.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:36Sam Morril?

  We've lost everybody. He was the guy who said, "How am I, how am I doing?" That was his whole thing, right?

• 34:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:41Sam Morril?

  "How am I doing?"

• 34:42Mark Normand?

  Well, pull up a picture of the Bronx for me. Just, just, just like a map of it. Because I don't know the Bronx, because I know a guy named Vinny who grew up in the Bronx. And he was like, "It was fine. It was great. Everybody thinks the Bronx is this hellhole with stabbings and shootings." And it is, but where the hell did you grow up?

• 34:59Speaker 02

  I grew up on the east side, Throggs Neck, which is like by Parkchester.

• 35:06Mark Normand?

  Is that by Riverdale?

• 35:07Speaker 02

  No, Riverdale's the other side of the Bronx.

• 35:09Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 35:10Sam Morril?

  Riverdale's like a bit more suburban, though, right?

• 35:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:13Mark Normand?

  Still is.

• 35:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  Uh, my dad was from Riverdale.

• 35:17Mark Normand?

  What the hell are you doing?

• 35:20Speaker 02

  Just look where the bridge goes across, the, uh, Throggs Neck Bridge. It's next to the Whitestone.

• 35:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, hit the minus. There we go. Okay.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  Now go south.

• 35:29Mark Normand?

  This is a good pod here.

• 35:34Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, that's City Island.

• 35:38Mark Normand?

  Uh, that, that little guy right there.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I can't even tell. Can you go?

• 35:43Sam Morril?

  This is, this is not good.

• 35:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, pull back more.

• 35:45Sam Morril?

  Audio for people.

• 35:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:46Sam Morril?

  Whoever's listening to this on audio, we're like, no, not there.

• 35:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:49Sam Morril?

  It's literally like me going down to a woman. No, you're off. You're off, not that. Okay, sorry.

• 35:55Mark Normand?

  I found City Island.

• 35:56Sam Morril?

  Sorry about that. By the way, that rat cock blocked me out of some pussy too, this week. Fuck that rat.

• 36:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 36:01Sam Morril?

  I can't bring a girl home when there's a rat in my apartment.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, right.

• 36:05Mark Normand?

  The rat'll hang back.

• 36:05Sam Morril?

  I, I had visions of just like being in bed with her and the rat peeking out like, fuck you.

• 36:09Mark Normand?

  Uh, well, if it comes into bed, it's a threesome.

• 36:13Sam Morril?

  He owns the apartment.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  She's feeling you out of the bar. Do you have pets? You're like, wow.

• 36:18Sam Morril?

  You just have to pretend. Ah, Raul, yes. Good to see you, good chap. My good, my good pet rat.

• 36:26Mark Normand?

  Raul.

• 36:29Sam Morril?

  Dude, they, you, mice at least run away. They at least fucking, like, they, they feel bad.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:34Sam Morril?

  Rats just look at you. They're like, fuck you.

• 36:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right, right. Damn, rat, that's a sk- and if that thing crawled on you, oh my god. Look at that. It goes, it'll go right up your pant leg.

• 36:44Sam Morril?

  Sorry we keep going back to this, guys. It's, uh...

• 36:46Speaker 02

  When I lived in Little Italy, I was in a-

• 36:48Sam Morril?

  It was feet!

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Uh...

• 36:50Sam Morril?

  That's a, that's a size 6 Nike right there.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  You can, you can see that's a jumper. Look at those hind legs.

• 36:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's Nosferatu. Nosferatu.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  Nosferatu.

• 36:58Sam Morril?

  Look at that limp wrist. He might have been gay.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  That's a gay rat.

• 37:02Mark Normand?

  God.

• 37:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. Uh, but I, I had a tin roof. I lived in a tenement on Mulberry Street and it had a tin roof. And there was so many mice, you would just hear the feet across, right above your head, every night.

• 37:14Mark Normand?

  God.

• 37:15Sam Morril?

  Mice, I can, I don't like them, but like, it's fine. It's like, I've seen mice my whole life, it's fine. And I've seen rats my whole life, but in your apartment, rats-

• 37:22Mark Normand?

  It's different.

• 37:22Sam Morril?

  It's a different level.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, right.

• 37:24Sam Morril?

  They're just so, they're filthy rats. That's what you call someone when you make them, a fucking filthy rat. They're filthy animals.

• 37:30Speaker 02

  And they bite.

• 37:31Sam Morril?

  They bite.

• 37:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:32Sam Morril?

  And when they're starving, they go crazy. That's what you have to do. You have to block all the holes. You're driving crazy. Now they have nowhere to go, but now you're like, fuck, it's me and the rat. It's mind games.

• 37:40Mark Normand?

  Jesus Christ.

• 37:41Sam Morril?

  Survival.

• 37:43Speaker 02

  I think we should write Ratatouille 2 and just make it go dark with it.

• 37:47Mark Normand?

  My old, I used to live on Bleecker and, you know, there was one of those windows that looked just at another building. You couldn't see, but it had one, uh, power line and I would see a rat walking on that thing at least once a week.

• 37:57Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:58Mark Normand?

  Duh.

• 37:59Sam Morril?

  Mice, yeah, mice never, like, I nev- you don't like it, but you're like, alright, it is what it is.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:03Sam Morril?

  Even a roach, I, I hate roaches, but you're like, who gives a-

• 38:05Mark Normand?

  You can just step on them.

• 38:06Sam Morril?

  You step on it, it's alright. But rats, you gotta fucking-

• 38:09Mark Normand?

  How about these queefs that go, "Hey, don't kill it, oh, you gotta set it back into nature, you gotta put it in a humane trap and then walk it to Central Park." I'm like, "Get the hell out of here, this thing's gonna die."

• 38:20Sam Morril?

  I'll fling it off a fucking roof, like, god, shit.

• 38:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:23Sam Morril?

  How would you like to get hit by that? Walking down the street on a date?

• 38:27Mark Normand?

  No, I'll waterboard that thing, fuck 'em.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  We got, uh, I play golf at this course, it's just this little nine-hole course in Venice Beach and we play on Fridays. And, uh, there's a million squirrels and they don't, they're, have no fear and so if you leave your bag and you go to hit your shot, a squirrel will jump on your bag and everybody's got like a granola bar in their bag-

• 38:48Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:49Speaker 02

  And they rip, they fucking tear it apart in like three seconds, they rip your, your bag. And so, everybody just starts whipping balls at the, uh, at the squirrels and then, and, uh, and I was like, and then once in a while, like, a hawk will show up and you'll just see this hawk flying around. And you just see the squirrel population over the next couple of weeks just starts to diminish.

• 39:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, you're rooting for the hawk, yeah.

• 39:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:13Sam Morril?

  The chain of command, dude.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 39:15Sam Morril?

  I mean, there's something about those animals, like, they're smart, they're really smart. That's what I, with the rat, I was like, they're fucking, they know how to avoid traps.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 39:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:24Sam Morril?

  Cause they were, they put them everywhere.

• 39:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:25Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 39:26Sam Morril?

  And he's avoiding, he, five nights he was in there with me, at least, maybe more, probably more because that's when I first saw him, so.

• 39:31Speaker 02

  Wasn't there a rat czar in New York a few years ago?

• 39:34Sam Morril?

  They didn't do shit. But they are poisoning the ground now, apparently, all over, they're like, they're, they say the rat numbers are down, but I, all these exterminators I talk to, they're like, dude, the amount of five-star hotels in New York City that have rats?

• 39:45Speaker 02

  No shit.

• 39:46Sam Morril?

  It's crazy, dude.

• 39:47Mark Normand?

  I see them in movie theaters, I see them in bars, they're everywhere. It's a problem.

• 39:51Speaker 02

  Well, the subway is just a giant rat rat nest.

• 39:54Sam Morril?

  Dude, we made a rat a celebrity, Pizza Rat.

• 39:56Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 39:57Sam Morril?

  That's we just have to roll with it at this point. We're like, ah, it was kind of fun.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 40:01Sam Morril?

  Remember Pizza Rat? That was like the Rizler of his day. He was huge. Look at this guy.

• 40:07Mark Normand?

  Jesus Christ.

• 40:08Sam Morril?

  Hey, he had his charm, this rat. Look at him go.

• 40:11Speaker 02

  That was the beginning of the New York hatred period.

• 40:14Sam Morril?

  Totally.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  People were just like, I'm never going to New York.

• 40:18Mark Normand?

  I mean, look, we put them into the architecture. It's it's in the culture.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  That's at Grand Central.

• 40:23Speaker 02

  Oh, no shit.

• 40:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:25Sam Morril?

  What, could zoom in on that, Matt? What the fuck?

• 40:28Speaker 03

  So those are are supposed to mimic what ships had when they would dock. That would be the rope tied and they would put those things up so rats couldn't get on your ship.

• 40:36Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 40:36Speaker 03

  They put these cones around the ropes.

• 40:38Sam Morril?

  Uh huh.

• 40:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, smart.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:41Mark Normand?

  But yeah, great. We gotta just stare at stone rats all day.

• 40:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you seem like you have a good life in in LA. You got you get you play your golf. You have your routine.

• 40:49Mark Normand?

  How's Venice, though? Is it still riddled with hobos?

• 40:52Speaker 02

  No, that was during the pandemic. It was like, I bought my house 25 years ago. So like, when I first bought it, there was a big gang war going around in my neighborhood or just next to my neighbors. It was like always helicopters at night. There was gunshots and sirens. And then it just like got beautiful where I'd like all these celebrities move into my neighborhood, you know, like Julia Roberts and

• 41:15Mark Normand?

  Jeez.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  Tim Robbins and like all these guys. And then, um, and then the pandemic, they just told the cops, hands off policy because they're so afraid they'd get sick that they said, just let people camp wherever they want. Don't don't harass them. And then they cleaned it up. As soon as the pandemic ended, they cleaned it up. So but we got stuck with this reputation because there was all those videos of the campsites along the beach.

• 41:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, with the RVs.

• 41:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. So so that's almost all gone.

• 41:43Mark Normand?

  Nice.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  But no, it's a good life. Like, I hate the amount of hatred that California gets because like, you know, I've been out there 25 years and I do, I really love it. And then like I'm in Dayton, Ohio a couple of weeks ago and I'm like, Yeah, I live in California. Somebody's like, boo. Boo, you're fucking Dayton, Ohio.

• 42:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  You don't get to boo California.

• 42:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and you don't live there. You're there.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:07Sam Morril?

  Dayton is methy as fuck.

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 42:10Sam Morril?

  That downtown is, last I was there, I was like, look, they got, they had a great barbecue place down there. Dayton's got some great stuff in it too, but it was pretty methy downtown.

• 42:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:18Mark Normand?

  Dayton's rough. I'll be there in three weeks.

• 42:21Speaker 02

  Really?

• 42:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, some theater there. I forgot the name of it. But yeah, it's, there's a cute little like hipster area in Dayton. I can't remember the name of it. It's got a name.

• 42:29Sam Morril?

  Was there a barbecue spot called Smoke? Is that still there in Dayton? That was like phenomenal.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Ninety-five percent of the time, I go airport, hotel, club.

• 42:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Home.

• 42:40Mark Normand?

  You're not hitting the town?

• 42:41Speaker 02

  I don't see shit.

• 42:42Sam Morril?

  Nah, I guess it's gone. Uh, oh yeah, you're out.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  But it's just like, you know, what the fuck did we ever do? You know, it's like, we give you all your TV, all your movies, fucking almonds.

• 42:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, avocado?

• 42:57Speaker 02

  All the wine, all the rehabs.

• 42:59Sam Morril?

  Although a lot of movies are not shot in LA anymore.

• 43:01Speaker 02

  I know.

• 43:02Sam Morril?

  Atlanta, Vancouver.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 43:04Sam Morril?

  New Jersey, yeah.

• 43:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, Louisiana.

• 43:07Sam Morril?

  Cause they're making it expensive to shoot out there, right?

• 43:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're finally making some tax breaks for the goddamn LA.

• 43:12Sam Morril?

  Well, same problem in New York though. That's why nothing gets shot in New York either.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  But didn't they just build like a giant new studio in Queens?

• 43:19Sam Morril?

  I think, I, did they? I know they did one in, I think Netflix did one in Jersey.

• 43:23Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 43:23Speaker 02

  And I think, and De Niro did one?

• 43:26Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:27Mark Normand?

  But what about that, uh, fire money? I heard that was, uh, you know.

• 43:32Speaker 02

  We didn't get any?

• 43:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, we didn't get any.

• 43:34Mark Normand?

  What's up with that?

• 43:35Speaker 02

  Well, and what's up with that? Because, you know, they always have that quotient for each state of whether you're a give or take, or a taker's state in terms of what you, uh, taxes to the government versus what you take in services. And, uh, California is by far the biggest giver. We give eighty-nine billion dollars in surplus to the government. And then when we're trying to get one back to cover, uh, they, they're like just-

• 43:59Sam Morril?

  State taxes in California is why so many people leave.

• 44:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh yeah.

• 44:02Speaker 02

  Right, right, right.

• 44:03Sam Morril?

  Same with New York. That's why so many people during COVID went to like, you know, Tennessee or Florida from New York. It's cause taxes here are crazy, but you know.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  So everybody's going to Florida now and Austin. Jesus.

• 44:15Mark Normand?

  Nashville.

• 44:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but I mean, how would you, I mean, look, Florida's fine, but year round, that's tough, dude. I don't know.

• 44:21Speaker 02

  No, you just have to do six months.

• 44:22Sam Morril?

  Six months in one day.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Right, right, right. Which my friend does. My friend does exactly that.

• 44:27Sam Morril?

  What do they do? What do they do? You do the, you have someone stay in your place if you want to cheat it a little bit? You put the lights on, do this electricity, or do they do credit card? How do they do it? Phone? What do, how do they check you?

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would, I would guess plane tickets plus credit card. I mean, they can track you. They know where you are. Like, sometimes there's people that I want to kill, and I really think about how I would kill them. And I think, well, I would have to leave my phone somewhere and I would have to drive and use cash at the tolls.

• 44:57Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 44:58Speaker 02

  And then, but know in advance what their movements are, where they go.

• 45:04Mark Normand?

  True.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  And then kill them and then go home again.

• 45:06Sam Morril?

  What kind of people we talking here? Who are you thinking about?

• 45:08Speaker 02

  Just fucking trolls.

• 45:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, some mean commenters.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:14Mark Normand?

  I hear ya.

• 45:14Sam Morril?

  Interesting.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:16Sam Morril?

  It'd be kind of satisfying, too. You know they'd fucking cower.

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, that's just it. Right.

• 45:21Sam Morril?

  They would cower.

• 45:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:22Mark Normand?

  Maybe do it with a hockey stick.

• 45:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. How would you kill somebody if you were to kill somebody?

• 45:30Mark Normand?

  Good question.

• 45:31Sam Morril?

  Damn, it's a, it's a good ques- I think, I think it depends on the person.

• 45:35Speaker 02

  Really? You customize it?

• 45:37Sam Morril?

  If it's personal, it's personal, right?

• 45:39Mark Normand?

  Then it's, it's choke out.

• 45:41Sam Morril?

  Ooh, a choke would be nice.

• 45:42Mark Normand?

  That's personal.

• 45:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's personal. Look them in the eyes.

• 45:45Mark Normand?

  Stabbing is pretty intimate. You gotta be right on them.

• 45:47Sam Morril?

  But it's a mess. Stabbing is not efficient, I feel like.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, a lot of DNA.

• 45:51Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  But choking is like, you're see, you're seeing their eyes panic, and then, you ever see like a gazelle get caught by a lion? And after they're caught, they just kind of hang. They're just like, oh, you got me.

• 46:03Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  I want to see that look.

• 46:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you got me.

• 46:07Sam Morril?

  It's like when a tennis player lose a big match, you're like, ah, fuck.

• 46:10Mark Normand?

  Right, they go limp.

• 46:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's good.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  But, but a shotgun blast where they go backwards after you hit them in the chest?

• 46:20Mark Normand?

  Ooh, I like that.

• 46:21Sam Morril?

  But that's not, see, that's not efficient in Manhattan. That makes too much noise. The neighbors are gonna have a problem. Talk about the road. I mean, we're in like a, we're in the woods. A shotgun's great, I think, you know?

• 46:32Speaker 02

  Dayton, that's a Dayton killing right there. Yeah.

• 46:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I don't mind poisoning. I kinda like the some charm to the uh clinking glasses and then you just watch.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:43Sam Morril?

  I remember reading this short story once, it was in this series, this anthology called Manhattan Noir, they're really cool. And they have a bunch of like an LA noir series, but they're short stories and one of them, this woman kills a guy. It's her ex-husband who she still kinda loves, but also hates. And she knows he's allergic to uh peanuts.

• 47:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:01Sam Morril?

  So she kisses him goodbye one night with peanut oil on her lips.

• 47:04Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 47:05Sam Morril?

  And just says goodbye and you know he's dead.

• 47:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:08Sam Morril?

  And I was like, ooh, that's kind of a fucking, I love a good, there was another one where a guy, there's a guy killing homeless people. And uh they don't know who's killing homeless people. And the cops are like, he keeps fucking killing homeless people, there's always a cigarette next to him and they kinda figure out that he's handing them poisoned cigarette. They're like, the only way we do it. So, a cop goes undercover one night as a homeless guy, he's laying on the street. And this guy offers him a cigarette. And he looks at it and he sees that it's coming from a pack where one is up the other way. So he knows that this is a poisoned cigarette and all the others are good.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  That's his Breaking Bad cigarette.

• 47:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and he goes.

• 47:43Mark Normand?

  Rice him.

• 47:43Sam Morril?

  He goes, why don't you fucking take the cigarette instead? And he goes, oh no, I'm good, and he goes, take the fucking cigarette, smoke it. And he goes, oh no, I'm cool, takes a gun out, he goes, smoke the fucking cigarette right now. Makes the guy, the guy goes, I'm sorry, I do this because, you know, I feel like I'm helping them, they're homeless, he's like a sick guy. And he goes, smoke the fucking cigarette, puts a gun to his chest, the guy smokes it, he fucking dies. He disguises him as a homeless guy and leaves him there. So they think that this, the cops think this is another homeless guy that got murdered.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  Is this Twilight Zone or something?

• 48:12Sam Morril?

  No, it's a, it's a Manhattan Noir, it's like a, it's like a series. But that's a, that's a cool fucking twist, right?

• 48:17Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:18Mark Normand?

  Man.

• 48:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they're cool little like short stories that are like fucked up, uh yeah, they're like kinda, it's like if Twilight Zone were just like weird, kinda dark city like.

• 48:28Mark Normand?

  I got one for ya.

• 48:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 48:30Mark Normand?

  Pull this up. So I was just in Australia, everybody's talking about this mushroom lady. So a woman made a beef Wellington with poisonous mushrooms in it. Invited her whole family over, she had a different color plate, she gave them all the beef Wellington on one color plates. They all died.

• 48:49Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 48:50Speaker 02

  Really?

• 48:51Mark Normand?

  She set the whole thing up. There it is. Three relatives with a meal, death cap mushrooms baked into a beef Wellington. She got found guilty. So she invited her husb- her- her and her husband are divorced. She invited the husband over and his whole family. The husband said, "This bitch never cooked a day in her life. I'm not going over there."

• 49:09Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 49:10Mark Normand?

  And, uh, but her- his family went and they died.

• 49:13Sam Morril?

  Awful. Dude, uh, there's a great movie. It's an Argentinian movie called Wild Tales. Have you heard of this shit? You've seen it? Yes. It's amazing. It's a huge wreck. Uh, but it's a bunch of short, like, kinda weird stories like this. And one of them is, I'm giving it away, but the rest are all great too, so watch it. One of them is a bunch of people on a plane and they realize, "Oh, we have a friend in common." And then someone behind goes, "Oh, you know that person?" They realize everyone on the plane knows each other while they're in the air.

• 49:41Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 49:41Sam Morril?

  And they're like, "What the fuck? How do we all- this is weird." The guy flying the plane, what- he got them all on the same plane and he is gonna kill them.

• 49:49Mark Normand?

  Wow. You mean he's gonna crash the plane?

• 49:51Sam Morril?

  He crashes the plane.

• 49:52Mark Normand?

  And he's gonna die too then?

• 49:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 49:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 49:55Sam Morril?

  It's a murder-suicide.

• 49:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:56Mark Normand?

  See you in hell.

• 49:57Sam Morril?

  Great fucking movie though. Really cool.

• 49:58Speaker 02

  It's like what the Jews did on 9/11.

• 50:06Mark Normand?

  Man, so wait a minute. When'd you leave the Bronx?

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Uh, I think I was about eight.

• 50:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's pretty early.

• 50:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then I lived in Tarrytown, New York.

• 50:15Mark Normand?

  God, you moved to the nice, nice cushy neighborhood of Tarrytown.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  Uh, well, you know, Tarrytown is actually, uh, a real right and wrong side of the Traxtown, cause we have a GM plant downtown. And there's a bunch of housing projects and, uh, minorities. So there was like-

• 50:31Sam Morril?

  It's a really nice place though.

• 50:32Speaker 02

  It's a great- well, you've been to the Music Hall, I'm sure.

• 50:35Mark Normand?

  Great, great theater.

• 50:36Speaker 02

  I shot my special there. My first special.

• 50:39Sam Morril?

  That's a great place to shoot.

• 50:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:40Sam Morril?

  I remember opening for a teller back in the day and I was like a really young comic and as we were leaving, he brought me on stage. He made me do the whole thing. I was like, "Fuck," you know, nervous as hell. And, uh, he li- he murdered. And we're driving back and he's just, "I'm a fucking hack. I'm a fuck- I suck. I'm a fucking hack." And we're like, "Dude, we all think you're the best comic, like, ever." And he goes, "Well, I'm better than you guys."

• 51:05Sam Morril?

  Killed me.

• 51:06Speaker 02

  That's amazing.

• 51:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, I hope for Andy Pitts there. Remember that guy?

• 51:09Sam Morril?

  Whoa, I love Andy, yeah.

• 51:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, good guy.

• 51:11Speaker 02

  That theater was built in like the 1880s or something. And it, when I was a kid, there was a fire and it kind of burned a lot of it. And then they rebuilt it. Uh, what year is it?

• 51:24Mark Normand?

  Dave Brubeck, wow.

• 51:25Sam Morril?

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• 52:08Sam Morril?

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• 52:49Sam Morril?

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• 53:33Sam Morril?

  That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash drunk to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash drunk.

• 53:44Mark Normand?

  Man, I, uh, I used to listen to FitzDog back in the day.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  What do you mean back in the day?

• 53:49Sam Morril?

  It's still on.

• 53:50Speaker 02

  It's still a day.

• 53:52Mark Normand?

  I had to quit.

• 53:53Sam Morril?

  Well, how many comedy podcasts do you still listen to? Never, right?

• 53:56Speaker 02

  I never have.

• 53:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I was a big FitzDog nut back in the day. And I know your whole childhood with the pond ice skating.

• 54:04Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 54:05Mark Normand?

  Uh, the mescaline.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, the old mescaline.

• 54:07Mark Normand?

  The Puerto Rican vagina you would sling.

• 54:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's a lot of Puerto Rican vagina.

• 54:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, man. You had such a great, I can picture your whole childhood in my head. I had such a shitty upbringing that, that I...

• 54:18Speaker 02

  In New Orleans, you had a shitty upbringing?

• 54:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 54:20Sam Morril?

  It was alright.

• 54:21Mark Normand?

  Well, no, I'm not, I wasn't beaten with a wrench or anything, but it was, uh...

• 54:25Sam Morril?

  Or a hockey stick?

• 54:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it was just a weird place to grow up.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  No, it was kinda perfect because like, you know, it's only a half hour into the city and both my parents worked in the city. And so like, we were in here a lot, but yet we still like had a lake to skate on in the winter and we could ride our bikes around and... But it was just a really insane town. Like, uh, like my kids were talking about how many of their kids, how many of their friends died in high school, you know? And it was like three. And they go to Santa Monica High School, which is like, you know, 4,000 kids.

• 54:55Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 54:56Speaker 02

  And I went to, you know, Sleepy Hollow High School was our school mascot. And, uh, so, uh, and I was like, I started naming like 15 kids that died.

• 55:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  And like...

• 55:07Sam Morril?

  How'd they all die?

• 55:09Speaker 02

  Drunk driving. Yep. Uh, getting shot. Some of them, um, some disease, like.

• 55:17Sam Morril?

  There's nothing worth getting shot at that age.

• 55:21Speaker 02

  I know.

• 55:22Sam Morril?

  Nothing's that serious at that age.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  Well, this kid David Cargo was driving back from the city and he was on the West Side Highway and they must have like accidentally cut somebody off. Ooh. And they pulled up and they fucking shot into the car. And, uh, he was in the passenger seat. And they had the music blaring, like, they didn't even realize he was dead for right away. Wow, just like that.

• 55:44Sam Morril?

  He was a kid.

• 55:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, he was like.

• 55:46Sam Morril?

  Was he your buddy?

• 55:46Speaker 02

  Sixteen. He was really good friends with my sister. Mmm. Yeah, your sister, yeah.

• 55:50Sam Morril?

  Fuck.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  And then, uh, yeah, I mean, there's a bunch, but it was dark, but it was also like, you know, some of the funniest people I ever met. Sure. And we just had, we just went out. We just like went hard. Lot of drugs and drinking and.

• 56:04Sam Morril?

  What was your drug of choice?

• 56:06Speaker 02

  Well, mescaline, I don't know why that was big in our town, which is like a form of acid, but it's very colorful and you laugh a lot.

• 56:13Sam Morril?

  I only know what mescaline is from, uh, what's that Hunter S. Thompson book?

• 56:16Speaker 02

  The Fear and Loathing?

• 56:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah. I think it's the only reason I've, I've, place I've heard of it.

• 56:20Speaker 02

  Was that on his menu?

• 56:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 56:21Speaker 02

  Those drugs that he took every day?

• 56:23Sam Morril?

  So what, yeah, what is it, what does mescaline do?

• 56:24Speaker 02

  It's like a little tab and, uh, like I remember the first time I took it, there was this house around the corner from my house that was owned by, remember Tiny Tim? Yeah. Tip-toe through the trees. Yeah, sure. And so he was like a real freaky dude and he built like a castle in Tarrytown. Really? It was a fucking, like a medieval looking castle. And, uh, these, this family moved in and they were, I don't know if there's like, uh, they, they were like, uh, Scottish or something, but they had the weirdest fucking names. Like they were, no, that's not the castle. Um, now, I don't know if we'd be listed. It wasn't big. It was just shaped like a castle.

• 57:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:06Speaker 02

  And they had these kids and their names were, uh, Hamish, Lachlan, and Lala.

• 57:11Mark Normand?

  Yikes.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  And so, and they were kinda like, wouldn't let us in their house and all we wanted to go in was to go in fucking Tiny Tim's house.

• 57:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah, of course.

• 57:19Speaker 02

  So like, finally when we're like, I remember it was my 16th birthday, cause he finally let us into the house. And, uh, I hadn't taken mescaline yet. I was waiting for my 16th birthday to take it. And so, we show up at the house and he lets us in. And, uh, we're like, oh, we're gonna fucking run around and, and he takes us down to the basement, down the hallway, into this little fucking room with the TV. And we're just watching MTV. And we're sitting there as like 15 kids. You know, we got beers, whatever. And I, and I'm mescaline, me and this girl, Eileen.

• 57:48Sam Morril?

  How old is this guy?

• 57:49Speaker 02

  Tiny Tim?

• 57:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 57:51Speaker 02

  Oh, he's probably in his late 70s now.

• 57:54Sam Morril?

  No, no, but when this is happening, dude.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Oh, no, he moved out. Lachlan and Hamish moved into his house.

• 57:58Sam Morril?

  Oh, I gotcha.

• 57:58Speaker 02

  Yes, we wanted to go in it. And so, uh, so the mescaline kicks in. And now, uh, Lachlan, uh, and, and Lala are standing there and their dog walks in. And I go, uh, what's your dog's name? And he said Fred. And for some reason, that was the funniest fucking thing I'd ever heard in my life. And we started laughing. And, uh, we couldn't stop laughing.

• 58:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 58:20Speaker 02

  And he got madder and madder and madder and, uh, we all got thrown out of the house. We never got to see it.

• 58:25Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:27Sam Morril?

  That is crazy looking.

• 58:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:30Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 58:31Sam Morril?

  Who lives there now?

• 58:33Speaker 02

  I think it's a condo now. I think they split it up.

• 58:36Mark Normand?

  Was it his kids?

• 58:38Speaker 02

  No.

• 58:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 58:39Speaker 02

  No, they just bought it.

• 58:39Mark Normand?

  Who are these? Lachlan, Lala, what?

• 58:41Speaker 02

  They were the McAllisters. They bought the house.

• 58:44Mark Normand?

  Weird.

• 58:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:45Mark Normand?

  Weird names. Was that very Irish?

• 58:47Speaker 02

  I think that's Scottish.

• 58:49Mark Normand?

  Oh, Scottish, got it.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  I think Lachlan's a, that was the guy from, uh, Succession, was Lachlan.

• 58:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:54Sam Morril?

  Who was, who was Lachlan on Succession?

• 58:56Speaker 02

  The father.

• 58:58Sam Morril?

  Logan Roy?

• 58:59Speaker 02

  Oh, no. Who was Lach, was Lachlan one of the kids?

• 59:01Sam Morril?

  No, Roman. Who was, uh?

• 59:04Mark Normand?

  And Sonny? No, what was this, the older one? Caleb? Kate? Kyler?

• 59:08Sam Morril?

  Kendall.

• 59:09Mark Normand?

  Kendall. That's it.

• 59:10Sam Morril?

  I don't think there was Lachlan. There's a Lachlan Patterson, the comedian, right?

• 59:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, he's a funny guy.

• 59:15Sam Morril?

  Funny guy.

• 59:15Speaker 02

  Good looking, funny guy.

• 59:16Mark Normand?

  Handsome.

• 59:17Sam Morril?

  He's got that joke where, uh, he said, "I'm in couples therapy, cause, uh, my girlfriend needs therapy and she won't go alone."

• 59:25Sam Morril?

  That's a great joke.

• 59:26Mark Normand?

  Wow, that is great.

• 59:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  He's a Venice Beach guy.

• 59:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he looks like it.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:31Mark Normand?

  He's got that other great one about, uh, our old people are gonna be horrible. Cause like, my grandfather's like, "Here's me on a B-52 bomber." And then our old people are gonna be like, "Here's me with brunch."

• 59:44Speaker 03

  Lachlan Murdoch is Rupert Murdoch's son.

• 59:47Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 59:49Speaker 02

  I mixed fiction and reality.

• 59:51Sam Morril?

  He got it, yeah.

• 59:52Mark Normand?

  There you go, close enough.

• 59:53Speaker 02

  Alright.

• 59:54Sam Morril?

  So you worked for Ellen as well?

• 59:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, I did the first two years on that show.

• 59:58Sam Morril?

  And she was, and she was?

• 59:59Speaker 02

  She was, she was rough. She was the C-word, yeah.

• 1:00:03Sam Morril?

  She was not nice to you?

• 1:00:04Speaker 02

  Well, you know, it was funny, cause when it started, first of all, I wanted to write for her, because I really do think she's like, one of the great comics of all, New Orleans girl.

• 1:00:12Mark Normand?

  That's right. She never, uh, claims it, but yeah.

• 1:00:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, but she was a great comic.

• 1:00:16Mark Normand?

  Her old stuff is unreal.

• 1:00:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:17Mark Normand?

  I lo-, I had all her albums.

• 1:00:19Speaker 02

  So then, um, then the show comes out, and I get approached by the head writer. And I, turns out, I'm, I'm good friends with the, the showrunner, and so I write, I write a couple pages of jokes, and I get hired. And then, like, the first, so we were there for like, a month before the show launched, figuring out the segments and all that stuff. And it was like, fun, goofing, pranks, we had a ping pong table, and it was all good energy. And then, you know, and then the show was, was good. And I knew things were gonna go wrong, because, uh, then they asked me, I was a producer, writer, and then they asked me to do the audience warm-up.

• 1:00:57Mark Normand?

  Nice.

• 1:00:57Speaker 02

  Because I'd been doing it during rehearsals, and she, she, she looked at every warm-up guy in LA, and was like, "No, no, no, no." And then she said, "Greg, you're gonna do it."

• 1:01:06Mark Normand?

  Cool.

• 1:01:06Sam Morril?

  Cause she's a comic, and she was like, "I want that energy to follow," right?

• 1:01:09Speaker 02

  And I was like, "I don't wanna be like, the warm-up guy on a daytime talk show." And then they were like, "Well, it's like, an extra four grand a week, and it's like, 10 minutes a day." And I was like, "Yeah, I'll do that." Like, on top of my salary, like, I was getting that for 10 minutes of work. So I was like, "Alright, I'll do that." So, um, like, the first day, I go out, I don't know how to do warm-up, you know? Cause it's like, they're, they're not warming up this crowd, you're warming them down. Cause they're like, a bunch of closeted Midwestern... Housewives. Yeah. That love her. And you gotta be like, alright, take it easy, she's gonna be out here, don't lose your shit, don't charge the stage. And then, and then I go, alright, let's do, let's do the wave.

• 1:01:51Speaker 02

  I said like, when I say banana, you guys just do the wave. Yeah.

• 1:01:55Sam Morril?

  Someone in your ear whisper the N-word. It'll get them going. It'll get them hot.

• 1:02:01Speaker 02

  That'll get them down. So I say banana and they do the wave and like, we all laugh and I'm like, I'm such a fucking hack, I should kill myself. And so then she comes out to do the monologue. And what I had forgotten was that the word banana was in the monologue. Oh. And now she hasn't seen the warm-up. Oh no. So she says banana, the crowd does the wave. Oh no. And she stops and she's a control freak, so this is like the worst thing that could ever happen. So she stops and she goes, alright, that's weird.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  And she backs up and she does it, she goes, alright, pause, let's do it again.

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  Whatever that was, don't do that. And she says banana again and they do the wave again. And we stop down, she says, don't do it, they do it again. And then finally I just go up on stage and I explain to her what happened. And she was fucking seething. Oh boy. And, and I thought, alright, I'm getting fired for that, but um, I didn't, but then it was just, everything got weird. And, and we started winning Emmys, like I won four Emmys on the show, but like, that made things bad. That made her start to um, be mean. Right. Cause she was back on top.

• 1:03:13Sam Morril?

  How was she, how was she mean to you? Like, what, give an example of like a day, like, was it an energy thing? Was she just short with you? I mean, what was exactly?

• 1:03:21Speaker 02

  It was like if you didn't pitch in her wheelhouse, then she looked at you like you had just fucking stabbed her puppy. And then there was this process of... Pushing people out of the circle.

• 1:03:33Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 1:03:34Speaker 02

  And you know, you want to be in the circle because there's a lot of fear going on.

• 1:03:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:38Speaker 02

  And you're in or out. So there's a lot of like, it didn't really bother me that much because I'd written on a lot of shows before and I kind of knew what it was like to have tough bosses.

• 1:03:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:46Speaker 02

  I wrote for Bill Maher.

• 1:03:47Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  And so like, I was just like, um, tough enough, but then I, there was these first time writers, uh, who were, they used to cry. There was a lot of crying in the hallways.

• 1:04:00Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:04:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:02Sam Morril?

  Just feels like it's not a good energy for a workplace or a show. I feel like you're getting less out of people by treating them like that.

• 1:04:09Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:04:10Speaker 02

  I think, I think so. Yeah, for sure. I think in the long run, I think in the short run, you might get more, but in the long run, people get exhausted. You break them. You break them. They can't, and then you hit sweeps, which is like, you're working 12, 14 hour days because it's like the ratings months and, and then nobody can, nobody can give anything. And you just hit, you hit walls.

• 1:04:30Mark Normand?

  Are you scared to talk about it? That she might hear this and come attack you?

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  I think she's out of the country.

• 1:04:36Mark Normand?

  Eh, but like online or anything?

• 1:04:39Speaker 02

  I don't really care.

• 1:04:40Sam Morril?

  Do you ever see her afterwards at all or no?

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  No, all I heard was my next job after Ellen was, uh, I went to the man show.

• 1:04:48Mark Normand?

  Ah, what a 180.

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  She heard I was on the man show and apparently she couldn't stop laughing. And then I hosted the porn awards and they were in Vegas doing a show and she saw my face up on a billboard for the porn awards. And she just thought it was so fucking funny. Cause I like, I don't think she really knew me.

• 1:05:05Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  And that's me. The man show and the porn awards is me.

• 1:05:10Sam Morril?

  How was the porn awards?

• 1:05:12Speaker 02

  It was great, great. It was like 7,000 porn stars, they call them, which means like they took a shot to the face on film at some point. And so, uh,

• 1:05:22Sam Morril?

  I guess we're porn stars too, then. Jesus Christ.

• 1:05:26Mark Normand?

  Star is loose, yeah.

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  And so I go out and, uh, and the producer said to me, all right, everyone's doing coke, everyone's a narcissist. He goes, there's going to be 7,000 people. It's on showtime. He's like, you're going to have 15 seconds to get. And if you don't get them, they are gonna start talking to each other and you will be completely shut out.

• 1:05:48Mark Normand?

  That's good that he told you that. I like when they prep you, like, "These are retards." Throw shit at them.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I, so I, I worked on a porn set for like, I had like two months and I was just out doing, I don't know why it meant more to me than like the Academy Awards. But like, I knew that like, Kinnison had done it, Bill Hicks did it, like, everybody had done it.

• 1:06:07Sam Morril?

  Robert Schimmel?

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  Yes, Schimmel did it.

• 1:06:09Mark Normand?

  Matt Rife?

• 1:06:10Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:06:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:11Sam Morril?

  No shit.

• 1:06:12Mark Normand?

  And boy, did he clean up. You know what I mean?

• 1:06:15Speaker 02

  Oh. And so, uh, so my opening joke was, uh, I go, "It's great to be," I go, "You can tell the porn awards are going on. I just saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station." And I knew it was him because halfway through filling his tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.

• 1:06:30Mark Normand?

  That's a great joke.

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  And they fucking went crazy.

• 1:06:33Sam Morril?

  That's killer.

• 1:06:33Mark Normand?

  That's great.

• 1:06:34Speaker 02

  And then there was all these Christians that were protesting.

• 1:06:36Sam Morril?

  And then he sprayed it on a woman who didn't want it.

• 1:06:42Sam Morril?

  That's the follow-up to that, five years later. Damn, that's a great opener, dude.

• 1:06:45Mark Normand?

  Great.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  So it was, it was good and then, and then...

• 1:06:48Mark Normand?

  What, with the Christian group? Did they, did they go after you?

• 1:06:50Speaker 02

  No, I, I went after them. I just, I started making jokes about, you know, there's no altar boys here, so. And, but, but it didn't matter what the jokes were, just the fact that like, that was where they were at. You know, they, cause they considered themselves First Amendment, you know, pioneers. Like, that's how they kinda couched the award show.

• 1:07:10Sam Morril?

  What's his name, uh, Playboy? Why am I?

• 1:07:13Speaker 02

  Hugh Hefner?

• 1:07:13Sam Morril?

  He did a lot for civil rights.

• 1:07:15Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:07:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he did.

• 1:07:16Sam Morril?

  There's a lot of gray in that guy's legacy. I mean, he did some bad stuff, obviously, but I mean, he's, I mean, he did a lot for civil rights and, and women's rights.

• 1:07:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:24Sam Morril?

  Roe v. Wade, that was, you know, him as well.

• 1:07:26Speaker 02

  Oh, that's right.

• 1:07:26Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 1:07:27Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. A lot of Dick Gregory when no one else would have him.

• 1:07:29Sam Morril?

  Dick Gregory, yeah.

• 1:07:31Speaker 02

  Oh, no shit. Yeah. And then, uh, and so then my friends, of course, all came. My friends who never come to my shows are like, "Oh yeah, we're all coming." And so I rented a house for all my friends and my agents actually came out.

• 1:07:44Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:07:44Speaker 02

  The one gig your agents want to show up for? And so, uh, they had, um, centerpieces, which normally at an event you'd have like flowers. You know, at the end of the night, everybody takes the flowers. But the centerpiece was dildos and manginas. Is that what they call a mangina? Yeah, they had a WNBA game afterwards they had to go to, so. And so my friends all took the fake vaginas and we went out to strip clubs and then we go back to, uh, the hotel. And then the next morning we meet in the lobby to go home. And like, you laugh, you know, you got the mangina, we're making fun, we're talking like it's a puppet and showing the strippers. And it's a big joke. And then the next day we're in the lobby of the hotel and I'm like, "Did you fuck it?" And they're all like, "Yeah." You're gonna fuck it when you get it.

• 1:08:29Mark Normand?

  You gotta do it.

• 1:08:29Speaker 02

  So, so I fucked my mangina and then...

• 1:08:32Mark Normand?

  It's like a fleshlight or a pocket pussy.

• 1:08:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a fleshlight, right, right. I think that, yeah.

• 1:08:36Mark Normand?

  You got the word "man" in there, it's freaking me out.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I think I got the wrong name. I don't think I've ever heard it called a mangina, but we knew what it was. Yeah, it's a fleshlight.

• 1:08:44Mark Normand?

  Ed Koch was a mangina.

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  You like me?

• 1:08:52Mark Normand?

  He was slippery.

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  And so, uh, so I fucked mine and then I'm like, "All right, what do I do now?" Like, I can't, I'm not, I had one bag that's gonna go through TSA. I didn't want to throw it in the trash can, cause that's fucked up for the maid. So I just took it and I put it in the pocket of the bathrobe in the closet. That's great. How is that better than the garbage?

• 1:09:13Mark Normand?

  Cause some guy's gonna pick that up in 10 years.

• 1:09:15Speaker 02

  But you gotta be a douchebag to put on a fucking bathrobe in a hotel room. Have you ever done that?

• 1:09:21Mark Normand?

  I like how you're like, "I'm not gonna ruin the maid's life." But I'll ruin this guy's life if he puts a robe on in a year.

• 1:09:28Sam Morril?

  I don't know if I ever have.

• 1:09:30Mark Normand?

  I've never, I look at it, I go, oh, how about that? Then I, now I steal it.

• 1:09:33Sam Morril?

  I'm sure I have, I'm sure I must have.

• 1:09:35Mark Normand?

  I don't do it.

• 1:09:36Sam Morril?

  Maybe in like a Buffalo winter or something and I'm like, fuck, I'm cold.

• 1:09:39Mark Normand?

  Well, what am I, a writer with a typewriter? I gotta put my bathrobe on? It's just weird.

• 1:09:44Sam Morril?

  Who am I, Dalton Trumbo?

• 1:09:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:47Speaker 02

  Dalton Trumbo?

• 1:09:48Mark Normand?

  What a pull, what a pull, Trumbo, the commie writer.

• 1:09:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, wow, that's.

• 1:09:56Speaker 02

  What is it, to walk from the bathroom to your bed?

• 1:09:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly.

• 1:10:00Sam Morril?

  No, but maybe if it's like super cold in the room for some reason, you're shaving and stuff, I throw it on sometime. I think maybe once or twice, but yeah, you're, it is douchey, I'm not gonna want it.

• 1:10:07Mark Normand?

  I've never put it on in my life, that's a good point.

• 1:10:09Speaker 02

  I'm Tony Soprano at home, though. I wake up, bathrobe goes on, I keep it on for like a good hour.

• 1:10:15Sam Morril?

  I like, I do like a robe.

• 1:10:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:17Mark Normand?

  The robe is slippery, though, because then you start leaving the house with it, it gets too, it's too risky.

• 1:10:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:10:23Mark Normand?

  I know, it, it's like a gateway to, to like slippers and a.

• 1:10:27Sam Morril?

  You don't get a lot done in a robe.

• 1:10:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:10:30Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 1:10:30Speaker 03

  This actually slipped us right into peeves. Do you have any peeves you worked on at Peeves?

• 1:10:34Sam Morril?

  The rat was my peeve, that was.

• 1:10:35Speaker 03

  That's a big one.

• 1:10:36Sam Morril?

  That was a big one, so.

• 1:10:38Mark Normand?

  Have I done this one before? This drives me fucking nuts. Speaking of hotels, the tuck-in to the bed? I can't put my fucking feet, what are you doing to me? You fucking Filipino lady, I'm just trying to go to bed and my.

• 1:10:51Sam Morril?

  I get a cramp under there, I look like I'm in a straitjacket, I'm like, oh, fuck.

• 1:10:54Mark Normand?

  I know that you're kicking, like there's no tomorrow, like you're trying to break out of a coffin.

• 1:10:58Sam Morril?

  I, I think of the Seinfeld episode, ever, one tuck, one no tuck.

• 1:11:01Mark Normand?

  Me too.

• 1:11:02Speaker 02

  Now, and, and your toes have to point like you're a fucking diver? What am I, trying to get a 10?

• 1:11:06Mark Normand?

  And they put it so far under that went, what the hell are you pulling up?

• 1:11:10Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm pulling up his peeves, but they're too small.

• 1:11:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, you, you, when I yank it out of there, it pulls out the whole bedding, so now I got like a piss to piss man. It's a mess.

• 1:11:20Sam Morril?

  It's an awful tradition. That, along with the pillows in hotels.

• 1:11:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:11:26Sam Morril?

  You found the shit, you get eight shitty pillows, just give me one good one.

• 1:11:30Mark Normand?

  One good pillow, they're so flimsy.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  No, but the good hotels, the thing they're doing now is the back ones that are against the headboard are firm and hard. And the front ones are like feathery and squishy.

• 1:11:43Mark Normand?

  I don't like the squish.

• 1:11:45Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:11:45Mark Normand?

  Cause your neck, your head goes right through it.

• 1:11:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:48Mark Normand?

  So then you gotta ball it up 38 times, but maybe the back pillow is good.

• 1:11:51Sam Morril?

  You get older, you appreciate a firm mattress. I remember when I was a kid, all you're like, oh my god, soft is so cool, but so you could jump, you know?

• 1:11:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:58Sam Morril?

  But you get older, the firm is where it's at.

• 1:12:00Speaker 02

  I bought a memory foam mattress.

• 1:12:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:12:03Speaker 02

  And then the other day, my wife hit on me and I was like, I told her I wasn't in the mood. And then the memory foam said out loud, I remember him jerking off two hours ago. And I said, I need some forgetful.

• 1:12:18Mark Normand?

  Speaking of that, we gotta bring up your huge hog.

• 1:12:21Speaker 02

  We have to.

• 1:12:22Mark Normand?

  I mean, how, uh, it's world known.

• 1:12:25Sam Morril?

  I remember on a Tough Crowd episode, do you know what I'm talking about?

• 1:12:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, pull it up.

• 1:12:29Sam Morril?

  When Laurie Killmarden goes, you know, I heard he's packing heat, cause I've heard from a bunch of female comics and you, what was your line? If, oh, if they know that, guess what else they're doing? Something like that, like clearly you banged a lot of female comics was the joke and it crushed. I was like, oh, man.

• 1:12:45Speaker 02

  Well, we were back to like, Colin was obsessed and so one, one time we were in the green room. And, you know, all the comics were hanging out in the green room and he goes, alright, let's see it.

• 1:12:56Speaker 02

  And I, and I didn't even hesitate. I pulled my pants down. I whip it out. That's how you know it's big. You whip it.

• 1:13:02Mark Normand?

  You whip it. Good.

• 1:13:03Speaker 02

  I whip it out and, uh, and everyone, there was a black woman and she went, oh, and Colin goes, that's how you know it's big.

• 1:13:12Mark Normand?

  Even soft, I mean, soft, I'm nothing.

• 1:13:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:13:15Mark Normand?

  Hard, I'm okay, but soft is a joke.

• 1:13:17Sam Morril?

  I'm a grower, and as you get older, the growing is not as good as it used to be. You lose some hops.

• 1:13:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:13:23Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, exactly.

• 1:13:25Sam Morril?

  It's like Vince Carter trying to dunk in his 40s.

• 1:13:27Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:13:28Sam Morril?

  You're like, "I'm not getting the elevation I once did."

• 1:13:30Mark Normand?

  And the dick is so schizophrenic that some days, I'm like, "My soft is pretty good."

• 1:13:34Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 1:13:35Mark Normand?

  Some days it's horrible, so...

• 1:13:36Speaker 02

  But I think when you get really old, then I think it gets huge when it's soft. Cause it's just hang... Like, I used to go to the Friars Club, and they had the best steam room in the city.

• 1:13:45Sam Morril?

  I remember that. It was killer.

• 1:13:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was a killer steam room. But all the old guys, like, they did not wear a stitch of clothes, and they walked from shower to hot tub. They had a shower, you would go into the steam room, and it would literally be like, fucking, like, Alan King would be sitting there.

• 1:14:01Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:14:01Speaker 02

  And, you know, Freddie Roman and all these guys. And then you go into the shower, which were like, giant marble-sided shower, with the, with the big, like, the manhole cover shower head.

• 1:14:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:14Speaker 02

  And it came out so fucking har- it was like being in a civil rights riot. You were just like, getting bladdered, German shepherds, and, and so, and then you come out, and I'm not making this up. There was a Polish guy that worked there, and you came out naked, and he would have a warm towel, and he would towel you down. He would dry you.

• 1:14:33Sam Morril?

  This was after I was there, for sure. I had a six-month free membership there, cause I did one of their shitty, like, side roasts back in the day. And I don't remember that guy, but I remember being like, "This is pretty cool."

• 1:14:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:43Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 1:14:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:45Mark Normand?

  I think it's closed, right?

• 1:14:46Sam Morril?

  It closed then.

• 1:14:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's so sad.

• 1:14:48Mark Normand?

  End of an era.

• 1:14:49Speaker 02

  My dad was a big man. He was on the board. He was the scribe, which was the guy that wrote the monthly, uh, message in the newsletter.

• 1:14:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:56Speaker 02

  Uh, but he was like the token Irish guy, cause at first, it was all Jews. It was like, you know, lawyers and agents, and then, um, a lot of guys from the garment district, and jewelers. It was very Jewish. Did your dad have a big penis? Did my dad? Yeah. I never saw my dad's penis. No, I never saw it.

• 1:15:13Mark Normand?

  He never saw his dad.

• 1:15:15Sam Morril?

  But I saw his dick once. It was weird. It was, I don't know how that worked out.

• 1:15:19Mark Normand?

  It was just through a hole?

• 1:15:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:21Mark Normand?

  But see, the big hog on you is, it gives you hope, because you're not a huge guy.

• 1:15:26Sam Morril?

  Buck fifty? Andrew Irish, I mean, if we were profiling here.

• 1:15:30Mark Normand?

  The Irish curse.

• 1:15:31Sam Morril?

  An Irish guy with a big dick is like a black guy with a little dick.

• 1:15:33Speaker 02

  I know, my brother does. I never saw it, but like, I talked to women who've slept with my brother, and he said he has a very large penis also.

• 1:15:40Sam Morril?

  That's nice.

• 1:15:40Speaker 02

  I got a son, and I'm dying to ask him.

• 1:15:43Mark Normand?

  Ah, well, you changed the diaper, though. I guess it got bigger later.

• 1:15:48Sam Morril?

  Can't tell when that... What baby are you like, "Man, that's a huge cock"?

• 1:15:52Mark Normand?

  Pull up some baby dicks.

• 1:15:53Sam Morril?

  No!

• 1:15:53Mark Normand?

  We gotta compare and contrast.

• 1:15:56Sam Morril?

  The feds kick a door, and we're like, "Fuck",

• 1:16:00Sam Morril?

  we're on a watch list.

• 1:16:01Mark Normand?

  That's the problem with baby dicks, you don't know how to compare it.

• 1:16:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:05Mark Normand?

  But, yeah.

• 1:16:06Sam Morril?

  Should we do some peas? Yeah, I got some peas. These are yours. These are your peas?

• 1:16:09Speaker 02

  Oh, these are your peas?

• 1:16:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, great.

• 1:16:11Speaker 02

  Oh, this one I hate. When you go to a store, like a chain corporate bullshit store, and they try to hit you up for like, a dollar, do you want to add a dollar?

• 1:16:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, for some charity?

• 1:16:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's always a charity, but like, they get the win, because then they go to like, the telethon with the big cardboard check, and they donate

• 1:16:33Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 1:16:33Speaker 02

  twenty million dollars, but it's like, no, those are twenty million of our dollars.

• 1:16:37Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 1:16:37Speaker 02

  That you didn't do anything for.

• 1:16:38Sam Morril?

  And it's the public shaming. They're doing it to get you, they're putting you on the spot.

• 1:16:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:16:43Sam Morril?

  It's not a subtle request.

• 1:16:44Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:16:45Sam Morril?

  Like, the person they're asking could be very philanthropic, but they're asking you, they're doing, "Would you like to donate?", so people behind you are like, "Nah, I'm good".

• 1:16:51Mark Normand?

  It's up there with the flip the screen around for the tip. They're watching you. You have to tip in front of the fucker.

• 1:16:57Sam Morril?

  But at least, I'll tip the barista if they make it, you know, but like, but, yeah.

• 1:17:02Mark Normand?

  You brought me, you handed me a matcha.

• 1:17:05Sam Morril?

  You order matcha?

• 1:17:06Mark Normand?

  No, I don't like to get a matcha, but I just wanted to sound cool.

• 1:17:09Sam Morril?

  You mix it up for the punch.

• 1:17:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. You mix it up. But yeah, I don't know, the flipping the, like, I was, in Australia, they don't tip. It's glorious. I'm walking around doing cartwheels without tipping.

• 1:17:19Sam Morril?

  But then if you do tip, they're like, "Who the fuck is this guy"?

• 1:17:21Mark Normand?

  I know, and then the rest of the restaurant hates you, because they're like, "What are you doing, asshole"?

• 1:17:25Sam Morril?

  You fucking up the curve.

• 1:17:26Mark Normand?

  Okay, but that's a good one. I hate the donate.

• 1:17:28Speaker 02

  Well, and also, it's like, at Walgreens one time, they said, "Do you want to donate a dollar for childhood diabetes"? I'm like, "Yeah, I'll do that if you take down the rose of candy at eye level for children".

• 1:17:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's good.

• 1:17:42Sam Morril?

  Pretty good.

• 1:17:43Mark Normand?

  That's good.

• 1:17:45Speaker 02

  They cause it. And then they gouge you on the drugs that cure it.

• 1:17:49Mark Normand?

  Genius. It's like the, the food. You know, our food is filled with dyes and all this shit. And then they get us on the pharmacy later.

• 1:17:57Speaker 02

  Yes. Yeah, I don't want like Walgreens. Like, they put all the, like, I like New York, there's all those little like apothecaries. Like those little drugstores.

• 1:18:06Mark Normand?

  I love them.

• 1:18:07Speaker 02

  They're the best. There's the one up at, um. What's, what's the, uh, really cool building up on the Upper West Side that, uh? It's like, it's got a courtyard in the middle of it.

• 1:18:18Sam Morril?

  Uh, where Schumer used to live.

• 1:18:21Speaker 02

  The Apthor.

• 1:18:21Sam Morril?

  Yep.

• 1:18:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a great building.

• 1:18:23Sam Morril?

  I lived there for three months. She, she filmed a movie. She was like, I was moving. She's like, you want to stay here? I was like, yes.

• 1:18:28Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:18:29Speaker 02

  Dude, that's my favorite building.

• 1:18:30Sam Morril?

  It's, it's cool. It looks like the building on Only Murders in a Building.

• 1:18:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:18:34Sam Morril?

  But it's not. It's another one, yeah.

• 1:18:36Speaker 02

  That one's on Central Park West.

• 1:18:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's a nice one, though.

• 1:18:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:18:38Mark Normand?

  Pull up the Bigelow. There's that one on Seventh Avenue, that Bigelow one. I think, uh, yeah, it's, it's old as shit and it's still there and it's got the ladder on the wall, you know, that like, uh, slides to the shelves.

• 1:18:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

• 1:18:51Mark Normand?

  I think it's Bigelow. I could be wrong.

• 1:18:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:55Mark Normand?

  That's it. Oh, that place is great. Uh-oh.

• 1:18:58Sam Morril?

  Is that the one on Sixth Avenue?

• 1:19:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Oh, Sixth Avenue, yeah. Yeah.

• 1:19:02Speaker 02

  New Yorkers are gonna fucking love this podcast today.

• 1:19:05Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 1:19:05Sam Morril?

  Well, dude, it's like, I always think of that, uh, there was that Mad Men plot, remember? Where he's hooking up with the woman with the pharmacy?

• 1:19:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:12Sam Morril?

  The hot Jewish lady?

• 1:19:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she was hot. All right, wait, all right, sorry. Let's, uh, let's see some more of these peeves. Sorry, I just got distracted with the Bigelow.

• 1:19:19Sam Morril?

  We got sidetracked.

• 1:19:20Mark Normand?

  That was my fault. There we go.

• 1:19:22Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, here's the other one I, I hate is like. Judging people for being nice, like, that's the first thing. Like, when someone describes a comic as like, oh, yeah, he's a nice guy, I go, who gives a fuck? Like, I literally, like, if David-

• 1:19:37Sam Morril?

  This would have been a good segue for Ellen right here.

• 1:19:38Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 1:19:40Sam Morril?

  Cause she is funny.

• 1:19:41Speaker 02

  Like, cause, and, and she has raised a lot of money for people, you know, over the years. She's done a lot of, you know? Um, but, like, you think of Dave Attell. Like, Dave Attell, if you know him, is like, one of the nicest, if you work at a comedy club-

• 1:19:53Sam Morril?

  But you would never describe him as nice.

• 1:19:55Speaker 02

  Well, if you-

• 1:19:56Sam Morril?

  You'd describe him as funny.

• 1:19:57Speaker 02

  But if you had a choice between Dave being funny or nice? I don't give a, like, like, again, like, in Boston, like, all the comics were, they were kinda assholes when you were coming up.

• 1:20:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:07Sam Morril?

  Your generation was tough. They were way tougher than ours. I mean, you talked about Patrice. I mean, I can't imagine what working for Patrice was like.

• 1:20:14Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 1:20:15Sam Morril?

  Was it, it was a-

• 1:20:16Speaker 02

  Hey, it was tough!

• 1:20:17Sam Morril?

  It was tough.

• 1:20:17Speaker 02

  You know, or walking into the Comedy Cellar when he was sitting at that table in the corner.

• 1:20:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, god.

• 1:20:21Speaker 02

  And he'd literally, like, you'd see his eyes scan you, like, from top to bottom, and then he'd just start taking you apart.

• 1:20:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:28Speaker 02

  And you're like a new comic, you know?

• 1:20:30Mark Normand?

  Ooh, scary.

• 1:20:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, but, you know, but like, you know, going back, like, Richard Belzer and guys like that, if you talked to them, they were like, "Why are you talking to me?"

• 1:20:38Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:20:39Speaker 02

  And I didn't give a shit, 'cause he, I would watch him, he was fucking unbelievable. He was like the greatest host.

• 1:20:43Sam Morril?

  Did he warm up to you later in life, or no?

• 1:20:45Speaker 02

  I didn't know him later in life, but-

• 1:20:47Sam Morril?

  But he was a dick.

• 1:20:47Speaker 02

  But those guys do, you know, but you gotta kinda earn it.

• 1:20:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:51Sam Morril?

  But I'm okay with that. Like, I mean, we've talked about people before, and I don't wanna name names, but like, they're legends, and they were kinda dicks to us in the early stages, or kinda, you know, flippant, and-

• 1:21:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:21:01Sam Morril?

  But we were like, "Okay, well, earn it." Like, we were cool with it. We were like, "This is part of the, this is part of the ride."

• 1:21:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it felt, it felt like a baseball team, and you had to earn, you were the new guy on the team, and you had to, like, show them, "Hey, I can hit," or do something, because they were, I remember, I got in the Cellar, and Godfrey looked at me, goes, "You're in? Man, not let anybody in the pit." And I was like, "Oh, fuck."

• 1:21:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:20Sam Morril?

  And he did it in a Cosby voice. It's brutal, but, uh, yeah.

• 1:21:23Speaker 02

  But it's also like, I think about how insecure we are as human beings that, like, say I liked you, I like your stand-up, you're a cool guy, we have similar friends, and then I find out you don't like me, then I'll be like, "Guy's a fucking asshole." Like, he's the same guy.

• 1:21:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:21:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but that's all, look, we all have our vanity, we all have our insecurities, you know, you wanna, you want people you like to like you, that's, it's that simple.

• 1:21:49Speaker 02

  Protective instinct, yeah, right.

• 1:21:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah, same with audiences. You go, "That audience sucked," and then they, they see you later, and like, "You were great."

• 1:21:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:21:55Mark Normand?

  And you're like, "Ah, maybe they weren't so bad."

• 1:21:57Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 1:21:58Sam Morril?

  Or you're watching a comic you don't like murder, and you're like, "Ugh, this fucking crowd," and then you do well, and you're like, "They're fine."

• 1:22:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly.

• 1:22:05Speaker 02

  Sometimes I can't do well if I go on after a comic I really dislike. Then they like 'em. Sometimes I, I don't know if I'm punishing them, or I just don't feel like they deserve-

• 1:22:17Mark Normand?

  I know what you mean.

• 1:22:18Speaker 02

  You know?

• 1:22:19Mark Normand?

  You're like, "You like that shit?"

• 1:22:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:22:21Mark Normand?

  I know what you mean.

• 1:22:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you like that shit? Check out this dick.

• 1:22:27Mark Normand?

  Soft.

• 1:22:28Speaker 02

  I gotta tell you, I really appreciate you guys bringing up the dick though.

• 1:22:31Mark Normand?

  You got it, you got it.

• 1:22:32Speaker 02

  I mean, forget my special.

• 1:22:35Sam Morril?

  We need to make up for the N-word talk.

• 1:22:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, right, right. Between the N-word talk and Ellen, this is definitely gonna help my career out a lot today.

• 1:22:45Speaker 02

  Jesus.

• 1:22:46Mark Normand?

  Well, the dick's on your lapel right there, but, uh, yeah.

• 1:22:51Sam Morril?

  Holy shit.

• 1:22:52Mark Normand?

  It's lore, it's the first thing I think of when I see you.

• 1:22:55Speaker 02

  Jesus, that's my picture on my website?

• 1:22:57Mark Normand?

  I know, you look like a Batman villain. What the hell's up? The 60s.

• 1:23:01Speaker 02

  Awful. I gotta update that shit. I gotta go on to your guys' website. What's it called?

• 1:23:06Mark Normand?

  Punch Up.

• 1:23:07Speaker 02

  I gotta get on Punch Up.

• 1:23:08Sam Morril?

  Punchup.live is where you wanna go. Yeah, but you got the Comedy Store coming up in La Jolla, you got Comedy Works Denver, September 18th through 20th, the 26th and 27th, Comics Mohegan Sun. Then October 13th through 19th, Brad Garrett's MGM in Vegas, nice. Oh, the Den in Chicago, November 8th.

• 1:23:27Speaker 02

  Did you shoot a special there?

• 1:23:28Sam Morril?

  I loved it, yeah. I did the special there, I loved it. Skank Fest, November 14th through 16th. You're at the Punch Line in SF, one of the classic rooms, December 11th through 13th. And Hilarities, January 8th through 10th. Oh, these are like my favorite rooms. You're doing, oh, the Mothership in January. Go to Greg Fitzsimmons, is it gregfitzsimmons.com?

• 1:23:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, just Fitzdog.com.

• 1:23:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:48Speaker 02

  Get some tickets and the podcast is Fitzdog Radio.

• 1:23:53Mark Normand?

  Great pod.

• 1:23:54Sam Morril?

  I've done it, I've done it a few times, I love it.

• 1:23:55Speaker 02

  I remember I, uh, I asked Mark to do it one time, and then I got to New York, you know, we're gonna do it in New York, and I just had my equipment with me. And then, uh, I took the train up to my sister's in Westchester, and I left my bag with my equipment on the train. And so I called him up the next day, we were supposed to tape it down at the Comedy Cellar. And I was like, hey man, I'm really sorry, but I, uh, I lost my equipment. And he, you believed that I was...

• 1:24:23Speaker 02

  Like flaking on you?

• 1:24:25Mark Normand?

  I thought it was a ruse. I thought you just didn't want to record. I was like, this fucker made up a whole thing about he lost his equipment. Dog ate my homework bullshit.

• 1:24:33Speaker 02

  Meanwhile, I asked him in the first place.

• 1:24:35Mark Normand?

  Well, that's where my brain goes.

• 1:24:36Sam Morril?

  I would probably go to the same place.

• 1:24:38Speaker 02

  That's when he was still, uh, working his way up.

• 1:24:44Sam Morril?

  What do we got? Oh, yeah, I'm at Irvine. Is this come out that night? So, yeah, fuck that. I'm at Oklahoma City this weekend, at Bricktown, uh, August 28th through 30th. That's a fun club. I'm in Vegas, the Venetian, September 19th. Uh, the Comedy Club in Rochester, the 25th through 27th. That's a fun club, Comedy the Carlson. Uh, Chicago Theater, October 4th. Can't wait. Uh, Winnipeg. Then I'm all over. We got a little Saudi Arabia action. I'm missing you by a day, Mark.

• 1:25:10Mark Normand?

  Who's going there? What an idiot.

• 1:25:12Sam Morril?

  Barcelona, Milan, uh, Dublin, Liverpool, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin. Then I come back to Salt Lake City and, uh, end of November and, uh, then Reno, November 29th. And we cap it all off December 4th. Carnegie Hall, baby. Let's fucking do it.

• 1:25:30Speaker 02

  That's amazing.

• 1:25:31Sam Morril?

  I had this great idea for like a jazz trio opening and my agent goes, "That's a, uh, $20,000 union fee." And I was like, "Fuck, hey, I just wanted some fucking fairy dust for my big day here."

• 1:25:42Speaker 02

  Dude, you want to show some slides or something like that? I, we did that. I did a benefit at Town Hall one time. We wanted to just show like a short video because it was a benefit. And yeah, it was like 20 grand. We were like, "Fuck that."

• 1:25:54Sam Morril?

  Fucking brutal. Yeah, well, it's punchup.live slash Sam Morril or punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, we got, uh, looks like we got Dallas. A million shows in Dallas.

• 1:26:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we got nine shows in Dallas. It just kept adding, but I'm doing a special in September. So I want to run that fucking hour. Akron, Dayton.

• 1:26:10Speaker 02

  Hey!

• 1:26:12Mark Normand?

  We'll see you there. Fuck California. Halifax, Ottawa, Huntsville, Hattiesburg, San Jose, Boulder. And I'll be in Saudi Arabia as well. And, uh, Athens. Who knew? Oslo, uh, Helsinki, Stockholm, Dublin too.

• 1:26:29Mark Normand?

  Valley Center, I assume that's a casino. Timonium, Baltimore, out there at the Magoobies. Gonna really get my ass kicked. Lincoln Theater, Rochester, DC, San Diego, Niagara Falls. So yeah, come on out.

• 1:26:42Sam Morril?

  Where are you shooting the special?

• 1:26:44Mark Normand?

  Boulder.

• 1:26:44Sam Morril?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 1:26:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we sold a couple of them, so we're like, fuck it, let's just do it there. And if we don't get it, we'll shoot it in DC.

• 1:26:50Sam Morril?

  I'm pumped for you, dude. It's gonna be great.

• 1:26:51Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:26:52Mark Normand?

  Thanks. It's a fun hour. It's ready to be put down.

• 1:26:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:55Speaker 02

  You guys have the same agent?

• 1:26:57Mark Normand?

  No, but he texts me quite a bit.

• 1:26:59Speaker 02

  So just randomly, you're both going to Saudi Arabia?

• 1:27:02Sam Morril?

  A lot of comics are going.

• 1:27:03Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:27:03Sam Morril?

  It's a big festival. It's, uh...

• 1:27:05Mark Normand?

  No women.

• 1:27:07Sam Morril?

  Jess Kirsten's going.

• 1:27:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, she is?

• 1:27:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, alright, great. They got one.

• 1:27:11Speaker 02

  She can't do any facial jokes because she'll have that wrap around her head.

• 1:27:19Mark Normand?

  One of the rules is you can't, I can't kiss my wife in public.

• 1:27:22Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:27:22Sam Morril?

  Are you bringing her?

• 1:27:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm gonna bring her.

• 1:27:24Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:27:25Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, just to show her.

• 1:27:26Sam Morril?

  Can I kiss your wife in public?

• 1:27:30Mark Normand?

  I wanna be like, you see? You think I'm an asshole? Well, don't cut your clit off, bitch.

• 1:27:37Mark Normand?

  Well, see you in hell, everybody. Thanks a lot. Go check out Greg's special, Fitzdog Comedy.

• 1:28:30Speaker 04

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