Ep 235: Jordan Jensen

Jordan Jensen joins Mark and Sam this week for a wild one—airport brawls, candy addictions, and what happens when you grow up playing “No Kisses Today” with your mom. They break down the chaos of taping a Netflix special, the psychology of Spanx, and why Toronto might just beat New York. Plus, old-school peeves, parenting confessions, and a strong anti-tampon stance you didn’t see coming. Sponsored by: 💸 Get your 1-month trial of Shopify for just $1 https://www.shopify.com/DRUNK 🧔‍♂️ Start your free online Hims visit today https://www.hims.com/DRUNK 🎧 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD 🛒 Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ 🎬 Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #JordanJensen #RocketMoney #CornbreadHemp #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Mark Normand?

  We're starting.

• 0:06Sam Morril?

  We're starting.

• 0:07Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 0:08Sam Morril?

  Dude, uh, yeah, before we were rolling, you were just talking, it was interesting to me. I was like, maybe we should roll on this, cuz you were talking about doing Europe and having a kid.

• 0:17Mark Normand?

  Yes, yeah, it's a whole new part of the road now. The road used to be just like, write jokes, get drunk, see Denver. Now it's like, my kid, I'm missing him, and, you know, you gotta think, he's four months old, so his life is like, like fifteen days out of his life is like, that's a third.

• 0:33Sam Morril?

  You're missing stuff.

• 0:34Mark Normand?

  I'm missing stuff.

• 0:35Sam Morril?

  Did you miss anything big?

• 0:36Mark Normand?

  Nothing big, but she's like, he rolled over, which is so funny, like, talking about a human, like, he rolled over, what the fuck, you know? It's like a celebrity, like, oh my god, she took a nap, but the kid is, uh, doing, he almost said a word, she was like, he was like-

• 0:50Sam Morril?

  Where's dad at?

• 0:52Mark Normand?

  His first word was neglect.

• 0:56Mark Normand?

  But yeah, so, but, I'm back, cuz she went away-

• 0:59Sam Morril?

  But you can miss a word even if you're here.

• 1:01Mark Normand?

  Ah, good point.

• 1:02Sam Morril?

  You can miss a word if you're at this podcast.

• 1:03Mark Normand?

  That's a good point, but I think something about being overseas.

• 1:06Sam Morril?

  Oh yeah, you were, where were you when I said my first word? Iceland. That is rough.

• 1:11Mark Normand?

  Exactly, it's like I'm trying to get as far away from them as possible. Like Polanski.

• 1:17Mark Normand?

  He had a different issue with a kid.

• 1:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that was it.

• 1:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but, no, but you're aware of it, that's gonna make you, I think, a good dad.

• 1:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, thank you.

• 1:28Sam Morril?

  That you're, like, you're conscious, you're like, okay, I'm gonna, like, I'm with Vida all the time on the road, he's got two kids, a third on the way, and he's so aware, like, he's like, I'm gonna make every moment I'm back count, that's what you gotta do.

• 1:38Mark Normand?

  And you're FaceTiming, FaceTiming with the kid, which he doesn't really get, he's too stupid now, but like, you're trying, and, cuz she-

• 1:44Sam Morril?

  But isn't that crazy, we didn't have that growing up.

• 1:45Mark Normand?

  No, good point.

• 1:46Sam Morril?

  I mean, it's crazy that you'd like, it's innate, these devices.

• 1:50Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:50Sam Morril?

  They just kinda get it from birth, it's like a language.

• 1:52Mark Normand?

  A hundred percent, and they're, you ever seen that old video where the kid is swiping on a magazine picture? It's heartbreaking. But yeah, you're right, they learn it so quick, cuz they're born with it, you know? It's like being born with a, um, a fork, you know, you just know what to do, you don't have to learn.

• 2:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:09Mark Normand?

  So, yeah, the, but the kid, so she went away for a few days for a bachelorette party, and she came back and the baby was like, "Maaah!" I think it like, didn't know how to emote, like, I missed you.

• 2:19Sam Morril?

  It was just you and the baby?

• 2:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:21Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 2:21Mark Normand?

  And, uh-

• 2:22Sam Morril?

  That's like, that's, see, a dad and a baby is like a movie.

• 2:25Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:25Sam Morril?

  The mom and the baby are like, but I feel like without the mom is, you need the mom more.

• 2:29Mark Normand?

  I need the mom more.

• 2:30Sam Morril?

  You were in the mom.

• 2:30Mark Normand?

  Exactly. So there's more of a connection. When I came back, he was like.

• 2:35Sam Morril?

  It's like a dog.

• 2:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's like a dog.

• 2:37Sam Morril?

  A dog sees you and you're like, oh yeah, okay.

• 2:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, his ass was wagging. It was cute. But with her, when she went away, it's definitely, there's more mom connection. So he was like, he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle it. They don't know how to be like, whoa, it's so good to see you. And they're like, ah, you know.

• 2:51Sam Morril?

  I was more attached to my mom for obvious reasons.

• 2:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:54Sam Morril?

  But.

• 2:55Mark Normand?

  Big neglect going on here with the dad.

• 2:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:58Mark Normand?

  R I P.

• 2:59Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:00Mark Normand?

  Sorry about that. I didn't know if I should text or.

• 3:02Sam Morril?

  No, it's fine.

• 3:02Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 3:03Sam Morril?

  It's, I mean, it was like, it's literally his, his wife called me and said, he, he's, uh, he's gone. I was like, I've heard that before.

• 3:11Sam Morril?

  Uh, bad time for a joke, but.

• 3:14Mark Normand?

  Ah, hey.

• 3:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, she, I was just like, eh, you know, I didn't, I didn't really know him that well, but.

• 3:19Mark Normand?

  No funeral?

• 3:20Sam Morril?

  I think they had, well, they were like, we're having a funeral at the, at the Buddhist temple. And I said, nice try.

• 3:26Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 3:27Sam Morril?

  You don't get to just become a Buddhist.

• 3:29Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 3:29Sam Morril?

  Late in life because you were a piece of shit.

• 3:31Mark Normand?

  Well, he did have no objects, you know, including you. So it's something.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  I got a, I got a dad question for you.

• 3:38Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  My dad's been gone for forever. Like, uh, he left when I was a kid. He's got cancer now.

• 3:44Sam Morril?

  Oh, what?

• 3:44Speaker 02

  I've seen him like twice in my entire, I don't even know what kind. His, his, his new wife sent me a message on Facebook.

• 3:49Mark Normand?

  Your dad's Biden?

• 3:52Speaker 02

  Should I, basically like your, do you have a hindsight with your dad? Like, should I reconnect because he's gonna die or?

• 3:57Mark Normand?

  Good question.

• 3:57Sam Morril?

  That is a good question. I think, you've never met him, right?

• 4:02Speaker 02

  Once as an adult.

• 4:03Sam Morril?

  Once as an adult, okay.

• 4:04Mark Normand?

  And once as a kid.

• 4:05Sam Morril?

  How was it as an adult?

• 4:07Speaker 02

  It was very weird.

• 4:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's what I mean. If, if they're not there, they're not there. It's, I think you're searching for something that doesn't exist.

• 4:14Mark Normand?

  I think that's movie shit.

• 4:15Sam Morril?

  It is movie shit. It's like, you know, Darth Vader and Luke, I'm your father.

• 4:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:19Sam Morril?

  All right, but you weren't great.

• 4:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:21Sam Morril?

  You weren't great. I mean, that's the thing. I was, I was searching for this moment that didn't exist. And then I remember I, he wrote like a note, he left a note in like a safety deposit box. And I was like, and then I had a great dad raise me, so I was just kinda, did you have a dad in the picture? No. So you have like this void. It's tough. I, I, I just don't think you're gonna get closure from it.

• 4:42Mark Normand?

  I agree.

• 4:43Sam Morril?

  Let him die.

• 4:44Mark Normand?

  And why give him the gift of meeting you? Not meeting you, but like, you're a fun guy, nice guy, successful guy.

• 4:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 4:52Mark Normand?

  Well, you're just helping him out now. Now he's like, hey, my son's pretty cool.

• 4:56Sam Morril?

  You're making him feel better about it.

• 4:57Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 4:58Sam Morril?

  I, I wasn't really mad. It's, you sound like a parent. I was like, I wasn't mad. I was kinda just like disappointed.

• 5:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that, that could be a bit.

• 5:04Sam Morril?

  I wasn't like, yeah, but I wasn't.

• 5:06Mark Normand?

  Funny.

• 5:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it, you end up turning into a parent, talking to them, but then, uh, but of course, cause you're expected to take, if they neglect you and then you go back into their life, you are taking, it's so fucking ironic. Oh, I'm taking care of you?

• 5:19Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 5:21Sam Morril?

  So, uh, no, I didn't go to the funeral. I don't think his other son did either, to be honest. Maybe he did. I don't know. But I, I haven't met him. I, it's a, it's a whole other thing over there.

• 5:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah. What are you gonna get out of that? Then you gotta waste a day, put a suit on, go to a Buddhist temple, like, I don't think you're gonna see him and go, alright. This chapter is closed or whatever. It's not like some Sex and the City moment.

• 5:43Sam Morril?

  Well, she said, his wife on the phone said something like, uh, he was a good man. I said, he wasn't. It's just something you say when someone dies, but you know.

• 5:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 5:51Sam Morril?

  I was like, nah, I said, I don't mean to be offensive. He was, you know, he just died, so that's what you say.

• 5:56Mark Normand?

  Yes, exactly.

• 5:57Sam Morril?

  That's why funerals are, are weirdly dishonest.

• 6:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 6:02Sam Morril?

  Because if you go up and say the absolute truth, it's cruel.

• 6:05Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 6:05Sam Morril?

  But if you, if you bend it, you know, he, I guess there's ways to bend things in a way that's appropriate, but funerals always, unless it's a good person.

• 6:15Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 6:15Sam Morril?

  Then you're bummed the person's dead.

• 6:17Mark Normand?

  Exactly. So if you're not into the guy, I don't think it's worth going.

• 6:20Sam Morril?

  No.

• 6:21Mark Normand?

  You can't be real anyway, and, and I think this is kind of a win. Like he fucked you over and now you're like, I'm skipping this. That's what you get.

• 6:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's not a win. It's just a nothing.

• 6:29Mark Normand?

  Alright. It's a nothing Buddhist.

• 6:32Sam Morril?

  Show up to the funeral, I win.

• 6:37Mark Normand?

  You got the Knicks thing, we win.

• 6:39Sam Morril?

  We win, well, yeah, do we have peeves? Will you pull up some peeves?

• 6:42Mark Normand?

  Wait, wait, there's Trump, you gotta see it.

• 6:43Sam Morril?

  Oh, oh, what is this? Yeah, what were you, what is it?

• 6:44Mark Normand?

  So he says, he goes on whatever Fox News and he says the N-word.

• 6:48Sam Morril?

  What?

• 6:49Mark Normand?

  But that's the funny part, he goes, you know, we're trying to avoid the N-word. And the guy's like, huh? The anchor? And he's like, you know, the N-bomb. And the guy's like, what do you mean? And Trump's like, you know what I mean? And he goes, nuclear? And he's like, yes, nuclear. And you're like, Jesus, you can't say the N-bomb is nuclear. He's just sat out to lunch, but uh, it's a funny clip.

• 7:10Sam Morril?

  That's almost like not racist, if that's how you think of it.

• 7:13Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 7:13Sam Morril?

  Really, a nuclear bomb is much worse than the N-word.

• 7:16Mark Normand?

  That's for sure, yeah. N-word can't wipe out Asia.

• 7:23Mark Normand?

  An N-bomb, I guess.

• 7:24Sam Morril?

  Let's uh, yeah, let's see it.

• 7:28Mark Normand?

  It's just classic Trump being retarded.

• 7:51Mark Normand?

  What does he do? Is he tiptoeing on the line there? Is he trying to be funny? Does he actually think that's the N-word? It's weird.

• 7:57Sam Morril?

  I don't know, that's weird. I mean, would you have done that to like Don Lemon or something, like a black anchor?

• 8:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, good question.

• 8:03Sam Morril?

  Then it would have been pretty uncomfortable.

• 8:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:06Sam Morril?

  I mean, uh, shit, man.

• 8:08Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 8:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I guess the N-word and the N, you gotta, you gotta avoid both.

• 8:11Mark Normand?

  You gotta avoid both?

• 8:13Sam Morril?

  Not, not do either.

• 8:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I don't want either in my neighborhood.

• 8:19Mark Normand?

  I just had, I was just howling at that at home, I had to show you.

• 8:21Sam Morril?

  Jesus.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Do you cross the street where the nuke is coming, the world?

• 8:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, there you go.

• 8:28Mark Normand?

  Nuclear with attitude? Okay.

• 8:30Sam Morril?

  Well, what do we have, some peeves from listeners? We have a bunch, oh, you want, should we do a few?

• 8:34Mark Normand?

  This is amazing, what a segment.

• 8:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I was like, fuck, we, we do peeves on here, people seem to like, I like the peeve section.

• 8:39Mark Normand?

  Peeves hit home like you wouldn't believe. When I do shows and I'm like, anything in the news, they always go peeves.

• 8:44Sam Morril?

  I know, same, I always have to have a couple locked.

• 8:46Mark Normand?

  I gotta start locking.

• 8:48Sam Morril?

  So what do we have? When people put whole cherry tomatoes in a salad.

• 8:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, interesting.

• 8:54Sam Morril?

  It's, it's not like the top of my list, but I can see.

• 8:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you know who hates this peeve is of third world countries. They're like, oh, you got a whole tomato in your salad. What a nightmare.

• 9:05Sam Morril?

  I don't, yeah, it's never been a thing. I guess, is it because it seems lazy? Like they just threw it in?

• 9:10Mark Normand?

  I guess so. And like, putting a whole cherry tomato, I guess, is a lot of tomato, I guess. Yeah, this guy's living too high on the hog. Like, oh, sorry, you had to eat a tomato.

• 9:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah, this is, this is one that doesn't really.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  I hate the salad, the wedge salad.

• 9:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah. I love a wedge.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  I like a wedge salad because of the taste, but I gotta, I gotta do the work. I gotta cut it up. I gotta make a salad.

• 9:29Mark Normand?

  That's a good point. I do kinda like a wedge. Something fun about a wedge, so hearty. It's a big hunk of crunchy lettuce.

• 9:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:36Mark Normand?

  You know what is a peeve is the shrimp guy. You know, the guy who gives you the shrimp at the Thai restaurant and you gotta get the heads off.

• 9:42Sam Morril?

  Ooh, I hate the.

• 9:43Mark Normand?

  Or it's pasta with shrimp in it. You're like, wait, so now I gotta pull this shit off, then put it back in? Like, what are we doing here?

• 9:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah. You know, the heads, the people are like, well, it's more, it's, it means it's more fresh. Okay, I don't give a shit. Give me frozen shrimp with no head.

• 9:55Mark Normand?

  Yes, exactly.

• 9:56Sam Morril?

  I don't want head.

• 9:57Mark Normand?

  Like my marriage, no heads.

• 9:58Sam Morril?

  No head. No, I don't want head. I love, I was fucking back to school the other night, just threw, it was just on. I was like, fuck it. Don't knock Vanessa. She gives great headache. Such a good line.

• 10:09Mark Normand?

  Thought about that joke. That's great.

• 10:10Sam Morril?

  Such a dumb, quick, great line.

• 10:12Mark Normand?

  I love that.

• 10:13Sam Morril?

  Great headache.

• 10:17Sam Morril?

  When white people are abnormally interested in the Civil War. This is another, it's kind of a strange one.

• 10:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I get annoyed by that. Like, if someone's a buff, a Civil War buff, Civil War, World War II, whatever.

• 10:29Sam Morril?

  So you hate Ken Burns now?

• 10:30Mark Normand?

  Right. Let, let the guy be interested. At least he's in, into this and not meth.

• 10:34Sam Morril?

  That's.

• 10:35Mark Normand?

  You know?

• 10:36Sam Morril?

  I think I need more information. Like, maybe, maybe this is like a weird, is like a Civil War reenactment type guy or something.

• 10:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, good point.

• 10:44Sam Morril?

  A little weird.

• 10:45Mark Normand?

  Good, that's very weird. Yeah. Maybe this is a guy, a black guy with a white friend who's way into that.

• 10:50Sam Morril?

  Interesting.

• 10:51Mark Normand?

  And he's like, it's a law with the slavery, North-South thing. So maybe that's where this is coming from.

• 10:55Sam Morril?

  Books on it. I mean, like, I, I don't know. I have no issue with this one either. I mean. This is not a peeve of mine.

• 11:00Mark Normand?

  I guess abnormally means like he's got posters on his wall of, you know, the whistling Dixie and the, the flag.

• 11:07Sam Morril?

  You're right, abnormally does.

• 11:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:10Sam Morril?

  Like, alright, like you have a Confederate flag on your property?

• 11:13Mark Normand?

  Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

• 11:14Sam Morril?

  That's a little weird. Alright, I'll give you that.

• 11:16Mark Normand?

  Problem with the Confederate flag is it's a cool looking flag.

• 11:19Sam Morril?

  Is it?

• 11:20Mark Normand?

  Well, it's just a cool, like, if that was a flag that represented something good, you'd be like, oh, I wanna fly this thing.

• 11:25Sam Morril?

  The branding was on point.

• 11:26Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 11:27Sam Morril?

  It's like, it's like the Nazis with the uniforms. They were well made.

• 11:30Mark Normand?

  Well made!

• 11:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look, it doesn't look bad.

• 11:32Mark Normand?

  It's a, it's-

• 11:34Sam Morril?

  I like our American flag, but yeah, it's-

• 11:35Mark Normand?

  I do, too.

• 11:36Sam Morril?

  But it's not bad.

• 11:37Mark Normand?

  But you put that on a, on that Dukes of Hazzard car, that's a badass car.

• 11:41Sam Morril?

  Doesn't look, yeah, I mean, look, you get Hugo Boss making your uniforms, too. It's like, you're gonna look good.

• 11:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, branding is important.

• 11:48Sam Morril?

  It's, it's a bummer, like, you, you want, you want them to be dressed by like some, I don't even, I'm, I'm, I don't know what a shitty designer is, but...

• 11:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's a cool car, goddammit. It's crazy, this was just a go. These were different times.

• 12:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah, dude. What else we got?

• 12:03Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 12:03Sam Morril?

  Entering a closed door and not closing it behind you.

• 12:07Mark Normand?

  I'm with you on that one.

• 12:08Sam Morril?

  That's pretty annoying.

• 12:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, these people just walk in, walk out, no clothes, raising a barn.

• 12:13Sam Morril?

  I, I had a, cause my, uh, front door at home doesn't just shut on itself.

• 12:18Mark Normand?

  Me too.

• 12:19Sam Morril?

  And so people just do, and leave it open, I'm like, what, what are you doing?

• 12:21Mark Normand?

  I know, and I have a cat, so that thing's like, could run out. So I'm, I'm big on the door close.

• 12:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, it's, the door, just being oblivious is a peeve. That's being oblivious.

• 12:32Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 12:33Sam Morril?

  Fucking not paying attention to your life.

• 12:35Mark Normand?

  Cause you're basically saying, I, I wanna go in this door, and I'm not worried about you, so I'm going in. The, the closing it is a consideration.

• 12:42Sam Morril?

  I got a similar one. I have a friend who always does this. They, they'll come over, open a seltzer, take like two sips, and then like, put it back in the fridge. I'm like, what the fuck is that?

• 12:51Mark Normand?

  What the fuck?

• 12:53Sam Morril?

  I'm like, so you think I wanna finish your fucking seltzer?

• 12:55Mark Normand?

  Are we talking a can?

• 12:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah, a can.

• 12:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's insane. At least with the top, there's some kind of sealant.

• 13:01Sam Morril?

  The top is fine, I have no issue with the top.

• 13:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, there's a sealant there.

• 13:04Sam Morril?

  But, but the opening the can, and then like, you think I want that shit?

• 13:07Mark Normand?

  That's crazy.

• 13:08Sam Morril?

  Just fucking throwing out, or, it honestly bugs me to open a can and then take two sips, too.

• 13:12Mark Normand?

  That also-

• 13:13Sam Morril?

  It's like a double peeve.

• 13:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and it's gonna be flat by the time you get it, even if you were gonna drink it.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  Is this Selkies?

• 13:19Sam Morril?

  It's not Selkies.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Cause every week I have to throw away a half, a half-full can.

• 13:23Sam Morril?

  Does he do that?

• 13:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, we're gonna have to razz him.

• 13:27Sam Morril?

  It was honestly, it's Rachel Feinstein.

• 13:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, but why put it back?

• 13:30Sam Morril?

  I said person, so I was trying to make it with them, like, you know what? Who gives a shit?

• 13:34Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 13:34Sam Morril?

  She knows she does shit like that.

• 13:35Mark Normand?

  When she comes back here, we're giving her a flat, hot can of soda that's been opened. I don't care for that.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  I'll save one to sell the keys to the old one.

• 13:44Mark Normand?

  When I was a kid, I would throw parties, like in high school and college, and I, it was always a beer bottle with this much beer drinking out of it, because people just want to hold it. I'm like, no, no, no, you're, you hold that, you're drinking it.

• 13:55Sam Morril?

  Wastefulness is the P.

• 13:56Mark Normand?

  Yes, I'm not giving you a prop for, for the party to hold.

• 14:00Sam Morril?

  I, I had some people over for the Knicks game, we had Mexican food, I ordered a shitload of tacos just so everyone had like tacos to choose from.

• 14:07Mark Normand?

  Love it, love it.

• 14:08Sam Morril?

  But then there was like nine or 10 taco boxes left, you better believe I fucking ate those.

• 14:12Mark Normand?

  Good.

• 14:12Sam Morril?

  I put them in the fridge, I'm, I'm eating those.

• 14:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 14:14Sam Morril?

  Those are leftovers, every day of the week tacos.

• 14:16Mark Normand?

  Hundred percent would have done the same thing.

• 14:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:18Mark Normand?

  Pizza, whatever's left, I'll eat it.

• 14:20Sam Morril?

  Love a good, I don't mind a cold pizza either.

• 14:22Mark Normand?

  I'll go one further, I take a bunch of people out to eat, if they don't finish it, I take it home.

• 14:27Sam Morril?

  It will, they, do they try to take it home first?

• 14:29Mark Normand?

  No, no, no, if they want to take it home, that's fine, but sometimes like, oh, I never want to see that steak again. I'm like, that's half a steak, I'll bring it home.

• 14:35Sam Morril?

  Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

• 14:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 14:36Sam Morril?

  No, it's wasteful as fuck. Also, I kind of like the takeout box.

• 14:40Mark Normand?

  Me too.

• 14:40Sam Morril?

  It's with the box, it's like a, it's like a pleasurable memory.

• 14:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yes.

• 14:44Sam Morril?

  Like, I like it.

• 14:45Mark Normand?

  It's exciting. Yeah, and you know, nuking it up, that old Chinese food, it's, it's fun.

• 14:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's good to see a box the next day you don't regret, am I right?

• 14:55Sam Morril?

  Oh, man. When I, when I change, when I, when I get change, and they put it on the counter instead of handing it to me.

• 15:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, interesting.

• 15:04Sam Morril?

  I mean, this is like the one person still paying with cash.

• 15:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, that's true. I'm a, I'm a cash guy.

• 15:10Sam Morril?

  You still do a lot of cash?

• 15:11Mark Normand?

  I mean, if you look at my wallet.

• 15:13Sam Morril?

  I got cash on me, but it's, it's just to have it, just in case.

• 15:16Mark Normand?

  I got hundreds in here, look at this.

• 15:18Sam Morril?

  Hundreds? Yeah, I got, I got a few twenties, I'm not, nothing crazy.

• 15:20Mark Normand?

  Hell, I'll do you one further, I'm going international.

• 15:23Sam Morril?

  What, what, what is that?

• 15:24Mark Normand?

  That's from London.

• 15:25Sam Morril?

  Ooh, nice.

• 15:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. So.

• 15:27Sam Morril?

  What are you doing with that?

• 15:28Mark Normand?

  Churchill.

• 15:30Sam Morril?

  Good ol', good ol' Winston.

• 15:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, I just didn't.

• 15:32Sam Morril?

  He was, he was, I mean, he would have been a good, we might be drunk.

• 15:35Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 15:36Sam Morril?

  Fucking booze. We should do a church. I thought, I saw Bert doing the, uh, the Churchill martini.

• 15:41Mark Normand?

  That would be nice.

• 15:41Sam Morril?

  We should do a martini app.

• 15:43Mark Normand?

  I'm, I'm gonna throw you for a loop here. I might have a drink.

• 15:45Sam Morril?

  I'll do one with you.

• 15:46Mark Normand?

  I mean, I don't wanna push you. I'm just saying, it's been a tough weekend. We haven't had a drink on here in a while.

• 15:50Sam Morril?

  Let's do a, what should we do? I mean, I could do a martini.

• 15:53Mark Normand?

  I could do a martini, but I don't trust him to make it.

• 15:55Sam Morril?

  I'll make it. Can we get the ice? Yeah, what the fuck?

• 15:59Mark Normand?

  Do we have vermouth and, uh?

• 16:02Sam Morril?

  A little dry vermouth and do you wanna go vodka or gin? What do you think?

• 16:05Mark Normand?

  I'm a vodka man.

• 16:06Sam Morril?

  Alright, let's do vodka.

• 16:07Mark Normand?

  I like the potato liquor.

• 16:09Sam Morril?

  Do we have the potato? Is that a gluten thing?

• 16:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 16:12Sam Morril?

  Well, I like a little Grey Goose.

• 16:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love Grey Goose.

• 16:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:17Mark Normand?

  Crazy, they made liquor out of potatoes.

• 16:19Sam Morril?

  That's awesome.

• 16:20Mark Normand?

  I know, well, like, how did they figure that out?

• 16:22Sam Morril?

  How did the Irish not just own all vodka?

• 16:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:26Sam Morril?

  The fact that they didn't get on top of all that shit.

• 16:28Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 16:28Sam Morril?

  They were like the potato people.

• 16:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, they had, didn't have any.

• 16:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:32Mark Normand?

  Isn't that the whole thing? They had a famine.

• 16:33Sam Morril?

  I know, but they're like, oh, Boise, Idaho, how come we don't have a good, like, well, maybe there is a good one.

• 16:37Mark Normand?

  That's a great point. Boise should be the vodka capital of America.

• 16:41Sam Morril?

  Great city, by the way. I'd never been there.

• 16:42Mark Normand?

  Great city.

• 16:43Sam Morril?

  Egyptian? That was killer, man.

• 16:44Mark Normand?

  Great room, great comedy people there.

• 16:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:47Mark Normand?

  Is that where Caitlin Clark is in?

• 16:50Sam Morril?

  She plays for the Indiana Fever. I don't know where she's from.

• 16:52Mark Normand?

  Indiana Fever, that's right.

• 16:53Sam Morril?

  She's fucking amazing.

• 16:55Mark Normand?

  She is so good.

• 16:56Sam Morril?

  I'm a, I'm a fan.

• 16:56Mark Normand?

  And, and I like.

• 16:57Sam Morril?

  We should go to a game, man. It's right by your place.

• 16:59Mark Normand?

  I would love to. I would love, dude, when the WNBA plays, this, my neighborhood is like bumping. The lesbians come out.

• 17:05Sam Morril?

  Is this, oh, dirty? Are we going dirty? Yeah, let's go a little dirty. What the fuck?

• 17:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, dirty.

• 17:09Sam Morril?

  And the driver moose, oh, yeah. I love it.

• 17:12Mark Normand?

  Uh, but yeah, she's great, and she's such a, she's got like great character. Like, she'll get fucked with on, on the court and she'll just, she'll just make it rain instead of like fighting back and she never goes in on people online. She's, she's well raised.

• 17:25Sam Morril?

  With Angel Reese is like great for the sport.

• 17:27Mark Normand?

  Oh, definitely, definitely.

• 17:29Sam Morril?

  You need some, you need some people to dislike each other.

• 17:32Mark Normand?

  It's the female Larry Bird Jordan stuff.

• 17:34Sam Morril?

  Although the argument is that Angel ain't nearly as good.

• 17:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 17:38Sam Morril?

  But, but you know what? She's putting up fucking big numbers. She's good. I mean, yeah, we should go to a game, get some fucking, get some drinks in us.

• 17:45Mark Normand?

  I would love to.

• 17:46Sam Morril?

  Heckle.

• 17:47Mark Normand?

  Pre-game at my house.

• 17:48Sam Morril?

  Heckle, let's do it.

• 17:49Mark Normand?

  Put on a Fever jersey and head over.

• 17:51Sam Morril?

  No, you gotta put on a Liberty jersey, dude.

• 17:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's right, that's right.

• 17:54Sam Morril?

  Gotta support the, the New York team.

• 17:56Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 17:56Sam Morril?

  Should we do another? What do we got? Oh yeah, how do you feel about the change? Are you like handing it to you? What is that?

• 18:02Mark Normand?

  I'm okay with it. That doesn't bother me, but.

• 18:05Sam Morril?

  Some people have bad hygiene too, and I'm not a germaphobe, but I hate touching a sweaty hand.

• 18:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, in the world. You get those after the show.

• 18:12Sam Morril?

  Well dude, I also like my hand will get, we all get sweaty, but when my hand's sweaty, I don't force a handshake.

• 18:17Mark Normand?

  You go.

• 18:18Sam Morril?

  Or, or I just do a fist bump. I, I just don't, I hate a sweaty, it's nothing more disgusting than your sweaty fucking hand.

• 18:24Mark Normand?

  I completely agree.

• 18:25Sam Morril?

  I hate it.

• 18:26Mark Normand?

  Wet. And then you think of all the germs that you've already had on your hand, and now they're coagulated in the sweat. It's bad.

• 18:32Sam Morril?

  It's bad.

• 18:33Mark Normand?

  I would go one further. I do the fist bump as well, but some people won't do it. They're like. And I'm like, and they're like.

• 18:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, like what is this? Mad Men? You can't fucking.

• 18:43Mark Normand?

  It's paper, rock, scissors.

• 18:44Sam Morril?

  You can't fucking, no, but it's so, these people are like, men shaking.

• 18:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:49Sam Morril?

  No, I, sometimes I, I'll do a fist bump.

• 18:51Mark Normand?

  Give me a fist bump. Come on. But yeah, some people just won't do it. They're like, we shake. I'm like, alright, whatever.

• 18:56Sam Morril?

  I like a fist bump.

• 18:57Mark Normand?

  I do too.

• 18:58Sam Morril?

  I'm kinda pumped for the, you know what? I wasn't gonna drink, but you know what? I can't let you drink alone either, so what the hell?

• 19:03Mark Normand?

  Those are deep.

• 19:04Sam Morril?

  I love, I like the big ones too, because they, uh. Should I measure this or what?

• 19:11Mark Normand?

  Unless you wanna eyeball it now.

• 19:12Sam Morril?

  I can eyeball it.

• 19:13Mark Normand?

  I don't like too much vermouth.

• 19:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, just a dab.

• 19:15Mark Normand?

  Just a dab.

• 19:16Sam Morril?

  You're like a Churchill.

• 19:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, hey. You got any olives is a win. Green hole olives. Perfect.

• 19:25Sam Morril?

  Man, you know what movie I fucking rewatched last night? I mean, we both seen it a bunch of times, but I was texting you and Salakies. Taxi Driver is so fucked up, dude.

• 19:33Mark Normand?

  Classic. Albert Brooks.

• 19:35Sam Morril?

  Albert Brooks.

• 19:36Mark Normand?

  Double Shepherd.

• 19:37Sam Morril?

  It's just a funny first name to mention.

• 19:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:39Sam Morril?

  Dude, Taxi Driver. Dude, Albert Brooks.

• 19:41Mark Normand?

  I go with the comedian. I'm a comedian friendly.

• 19:44Sam Morril?

  No, he's great in it. I mean, it's, and he, and he plays kind of a wimp too.

• 19:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:48Sam Morril?

  Anyone would look like a wimp next to that psychopath.

• 19:50Mark Normand?

  That's true. He had nothing to lose, but that was like the, one of the first anti-hero movies.

• 19:54Sam Morril?

  I know dude, it's so, especially like for an American movie to be that fucking, like, just dark and fucked up, like.

• 20:01Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 20:01Sam Morril?

  Like creepy, stalker, incel, like. But then also like the fact that he pulls Sybil Shepherd for a second.

• 20:07Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 20:08Sam Morril?

  You're like, are you fucking kidding me?

• 20:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 20:10Sam Morril?

  He's so hot.

• 20:11Mark Normand?

  I know, she's gorgeous. That movie, I mean, what a run he had with this, Raging Bull, um, Mean Streets, like, that 70s era. They all were friends, Brian De Palma.

• 20:24Sam Morril?

  Don't forget After Hours.

• 20:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, After Hours, yes. Scorsese, De Palma, Spielberg, um, George Lucas, like, just a pecking paw. Just a great crew.

• 20:34Sam Morril?

  Oh, such a crew.

• 20:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, Coppola. It felt like movies were art. Now movies are fucking Hawkeye and Queef Man, you know?

• 20:42Sam Morril?

  Queef Man.

• 20:43Mark Normand?

  So back then, a movie was a movie. It was dark, it was gritty, it was real.

• 20:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, dude. And then, well, yeah, what other peeves we have? We got some.

• 20:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, we had a good one there.

• 20:53Sam Morril?

  Oh, man, this is, I'm kinda pumped for a martini, right?

• 20:55Mark Normand?

  Wait, you had one you missed. I hate when people walk out in front of traffic, and I'm with you on that. I hate this guy. He thinks because he does this, he's allowed to walk in front of traffic.

• 21:08Mark Normand?

  What is that? You're still, you're still breaking the law, you're still in the way.

• 21:11Sam Morril?

  Um, I have to, I am, I am really annoying with this shit because I'm so annoyed by the, you know, I used to always be like a cheat the lane type of guy as a walker.

• 21:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:21Sam Morril?

  And now with the scooters and the bikes and shit, it's fucking impossible.

• 21:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. I'm walking here. Another great 70s movie.

• 21:29Sam Morril?

  Improvised.

• 21:30Mark Normand?

  Wah, wah.

• 21:31Sam Morril?

  Dustin Hoffman improvised that line.

• 21:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's right, that's right.

• 21:34Sam Morril?

  Pretty cool.

• 21:35Mark Normand?

  So is the reaction from the cabbie real as well?

• 21:38Sam Morril?

  I don't know, it must be.

• 21:39Mark Normand?

  It must be.

• 21:40Sam Morril?

  If it's riffed, right?

• 21:41Mark Normand?

  Because he really slams on that hood, he took a risk.

• 21:44Sam Morril?

  So how, how light do you want me to go on this vermouth? Like, very light or just?

• 21:48Mark Normand?

  I just don't like it oily.

• 21:50Sam Morril?

  I don't like it oily either.

• 21:51Mark Normand?

  Okay, ooh, that's a fresh bottle right there, boy.

• 21:55Sam Morril?

  What do you say I go like one shot? Nah, yes.

• 21:58Mark Normand?

  That works.

• 21:58Sam Morril?

  Even a little less, maybe.

• 21:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, maybe a little less and we could always add more.

• 22:02Sam Morril?

  That's true.

• 22:02Mark Normand?

  When someone pulls out in front of me in traffic, forcing me to hit my brakes, and then they go really slow, oh, I'm with you, I'm with you on that, on the road and in walking.

• 22:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 22:11Mark Normand?

  You get a guy who cuts in front of you on the sidewalk, because he has to be in front of you, and then he walks two miles an hour.

• 22:17Sam Morril?

  I fucking hate that. I don't know what it is, because we hate to feel trapped.

• 22:21Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 22:21Sam Morril?

  That's what it is. You feel trapped, but then you're like, I have nowhere to go either. I fucking hate that shit. But I've been, but I do hate when people, slow walkers on the street, like, it all comes back to being oblivious. People that who don't pay attention.

• 22:36Mark Normand?

  Sometimes you'll blow past them, and they're like, geez. And you're like, well, why do I have to go the speed limit you want to go? Like, I don't want to go your speed, I want to go my speed. So you go your speed, let me go my speed. Uh-oh. Speaking of speed.

• 22:49Sam Morril?

  Is that her?

• 22:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 22:51Sam Morril?

  Here we go.

• 22:52Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 22:53Sam Morril?

  Thirty-two minutes late.

• 22:55Mark Normand?

  Get in here, you big, black queef.

• 22:57Sam Morril?

  We, we thought, yeah, you gotta fall, you gotta fall off the wagon for that one, that's... What, what, what happened?

• 23:04Speaker 03

  You want to know the truth, or the fake truth?

• 23:05Sam Morril?

  The truth, no, the real truth.

• 23:06Mark Normand?

  I'd like to hear both.

• 23:07Speaker 03

  Really? Fake truth, train's fucked up. Real truth, big fight with the person I'm dating. Big fight.

• 23:11Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  Big fight, big fighty fight.

• 23:14Mark Normand?

  Who'd you fight with? What's her name?

• 23:16Speaker 03

  Well, her name's Big Gail.

• 23:20Mark Normand?

  Oprah's chick?

• 23:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:21Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  Is Oprah gay?

• 23:24Mark Normand?

  Come on, she's a scissor queen.

• 23:25Speaker 03

  Is she a scissor queen?

• 23:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. That little Stedman thing, that's a ruse.

• 23:29Sam Morril?

  She's gay?

• 23:30Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 23:30Mark Normand?

  Big les!

• 23:31Sam Morril?

  It is hard to picture a dick going in her.

• 23:34Mark Normand?

  That's all I think about.

• 23:35Speaker 03

  I can picture it if she's on top.

• 23:37Mark Normand?

  Ugh.

• 23:38Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 23:39Mark Normand?

  But she fluctuates with the weight.

• 23:40Speaker 03

  And she goes, "You get a pussy, you get a pussy."

• 23:43Sam Morril?

  This could be, tell me what you think of this, Marry.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  Oh my god, do you guys really get drunk on this? I mean, every time?

• 23:49Sam Morril?

  He said he wanted a drink, I can't let my buddy drink alone, so...

• 23:52Mark Normand?

  No pressure.

• 23:53Speaker 03

  How's

• 23:54Mark Normand?

  Should I wait for you?

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Oh, who's that?

• 23:56Sam Morril?

  Wait for me.

• 23:57Mark Normand?

  That's Gail. That's her lady partner.

• 23:59Speaker 03

  Like, her business? What is she ostensibly?

• 24:02Mark Normand?

  Their friend.

• 24:02Sam Morril?

  To Jordan Jensen's new special?

• 24:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's right. Yeah, we got you one over there.

• 24:07Speaker 03

  Want yours? Oh, yeah, I did a special.

• 24:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, at the Gramercy?

• 24:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, MVP Scavros Helkias.

• 24:14Mark Normand?

  Why? How's how so?

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Showed up, showed up floating out of the sky like a little cherub, emerged after my first show.

• 24:20Mark Normand?

  What?

• 24:21Speaker 03

  And said, not really.

• 24:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, I thought you had him on a bully or something.

• 24:23Speaker 03

  Could you imagine? It felt like that. Because after the first show, the first show was scary, tight, way too, way too aware of cameras.

• 24:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 24:30Speaker 03

  He showed up and he was like, emerged out of nowhere and went, first show's always weird. And I was like, really? Where did you come from? And he's like, yeah, everybody hates the first show. Second show, you'll crush. And I was like, thank God you're here.

• 24:41Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 24:42Sam Morril?

  You've heard that before, though.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  I've heard people go, you get the first show and then you hang out the second show because the first show, you're like, I got it.

• 24:49Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but you don't always get the first show. You can't, you can't possibly always get it.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  The first show was like-

• 24:53Sam Morril?

  First show was tight sometimes.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  Tight.

• 24:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 24:56Speaker 03

  Because they were not drunk and we were all just like fucked up by the crane. There was a heckler I had to flip out at.

• 25:01Mark Normand?

  What?

• 25:02Speaker 03

  Yeah. And she, you know the cackle hecklers?

• 25:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, I hate the cackle.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  You hate the cackle.

• 25:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 25:08Speaker 03

  During the premise setup, she's like, and I had to be like, there's no way you laugh like that. There's no way you go to dinner with your friends and while they're setting up a story, you go.

• 25:18Sam Morril?

  You want to be, you want to make the cut.

• 25:19Speaker 03

  You want to make the cut.

• 25:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  You want to go, that's me. You hear it? And I flipped out.

• 25:23Mark Normand?

  In a weird, twisted way, I bet she opened you up a little bit. Because, you know, you're in your head, you're up your own ass. It's a special, it's a taping. You go yell at this lady and now it kind of cuts the tension.

• 25:35Speaker 03

  It made tension.

• 25:36Mark Normand?

  Ah, shit.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  Because I went in on her.

• 25:39Mark Normand?

  Maybe you could use that in the promo.

• 25:40Speaker 03

  I will use it. I will use it. At one point, she said, ew. And it was like about, I was like describing a part of my body.

• 25:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, I hate this woman.

• 25:48Speaker 03

  And she goes, ew! And then I made a whole riff on that.

• 25:50Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 25:51Sam Morril?

  I hate when people, what was, what did she say, ooh too?

• 25:53Speaker 03

  Well, I was talking about something gross. I was talking about how I lost a bunch of weight, so I had loose skin that I got cut off.

• 25:58Mark Normand?

  Ew.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Yeah. And she went, ew!

• 26:00Sam Morril?

  I wanted to be on your side here, Jordan.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  I know, I know, I know, I know. And then I talk, and then I was like, it's fucked up that men have to like, present their penis to women like this. Like, they have to be like, and here's my one flesh sack that I've had my whole life. And she goes, ew! You know?

• 26:14Sam Morril?

  Geez, that's fucked, that's annoying.

• 26:15Mark Normand?

  I hate this cackle box.

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Dude, I wanted to, I mean, I truly was like, hexing her. I was like-

• 26:20Sam Morril?

  I did a child molestation joke in Salt Lake and a woman, a woman went out, "Oh, that's messed up." And I was like, "Oh, how brave."

• 26:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right.

• 26:27Sam Morril?

  How brave that you're against child molestation.

• 26:29Speaker 03

  Just so everybody knows, I don't fuck kids.

• 26:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. That's brutal.

• 26:33Mark Normand?

  I had a woman the other night doing this, front row going,

• 26:37Mark Normand?

  and I'm like, "It's doing well, so who cares what your dumb head-

• 26:40Sam Morril?

  I know, but she wants to fuck with you.

• 26:42Mark Normand?

  I guess so.

• 26:43Sam Morril?

  She wants attention.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  She wants to fuck you. That's what I always think. I'm like, "You're trying to fuck me right now."

• 26:47Sam Morril?

  Mark tried to fuck her after the show though, and she did this.

• 26:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. She was a gale, if you know what I mean.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:55Sam Morril?

  A gale.

• 26:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  But during a special taping, the heck was crazy.

• 26:59Sam Morril?

  Don't they make an announcement or something?

• 27:00Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Big announcement, I blame B and Ian.

• 27:03Mark Normand?

  Did you boot her?

• 27:05Speaker 03

  Well, that's the thing, is that the PAs kept getting too scared to boot her.

• 27:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  And then the director was like, "I'm so sorry, I should have kicked her out."

• 27:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  But I was, but then the second show was fine, one girl started saying something, like she would, after I would say every punchline, would be like, "Eh, blah blah blah," and say it. And my sister, who's scarier than me, went up to her and was like, "You better shut the fuck up." And was, yeah, my sister's like a little bit, like, hot white trash.

• 27:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah!

• 27:29Speaker 03

  Right down.

• 27:30Mark Normand?

  Pull her up. Uh, can I tell you, my friend, non-comedian, went to the show.

• 27:34Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 27:35Mark Normand?

  And he, he didn't know who you were, no offense.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  Oh, that's great.

• 27:38Mark Normand?

  He went with a, a person who didn't know who you were. And I told, I said, "How was the show?" And he goes, "I'm a huge fan now, I didn't know her, now I'm on board, and I want to know more."

• 27:46Speaker 03

  Wow, that's great.

• 27:47Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 27:47Mark Normand?

  So-

• 27:48Sam Morril?

  That's like the nicest thing you could say.

• 27:49Mark Normand?

  I don't know which one he went to, but it was-

• 27:51Speaker 03

  The late show was sick. Oh yeah, there's my sister right there on the end.

• 27:54Sam Morril?

  So were you, were you tense on the late show or were you kinda like?

• 27:57Speaker 03

  Loose as hell, loose asm- I was like, fuck, I switched the whole lineup.

• 28:02Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was like, I didn't, I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna switch it around.

• 28:06Mark Normand?

  And it went better.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  It was great, it was incredible.

• 28:08Sam Morril?

  What made, but if you were like, that first show sucked, what made you lose? I, I would probably be like, fuck, I gotta nail it.

• 28:14Speaker 03

  Stavros dude.

• 28:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah, just Stav, that's it?

• 28:16Speaker 03

  Stavros was like, do not, so long as you said the jokes correctly, it'll be fine. And then the second show, there were, the audience was loose, my boys got offstage and were like, Jake got offstage and was like, dude, way different.

• 28:29Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 28:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, good.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  Both the boys were like, yeah, they were like, super tight and weird. And then the second show, I think the second show, also, everybody had been like, do crowd work? To warm it up? And I didn't, the second show, I did not do that, cuz the first show, it was weird to do crowd work, cuz everybody knows what's up.

• 28:46Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  So the second show, everybody's like, okay.

• 28:49Sam Morril?

  It's weird to do it at a taping.

• 28:50Speaker 03

  Yes, so the second show, I was like, no crowd work, we're just going into it. Hot and ready.

• 28:55Sam Morril?

  Crowd work's like to fuck around, and you're like, this is a special.

• 28:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:58Sam Morril?

  It's just weird.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 29:00Sam Morril?

  I've, I've done it a little bit in specials, but it's usually at the end, I'm just fucking around.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:04Sam Morril?

  I'm just killing time before the closer or something.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  Pickups are fun.

• 29:07Sam Morril?

  Do you like pickups? I hate pickups, you like them?

• 29:10Mark Normand?

  Well, you're just like, you're gonna nail it clean, and you're, you don't care anymore. There's low stakes with a pickup.

• 29:16Speaker 03

  You don't care, and you're like bossing them around, which is fun.

• 29:19Mark Normand?

  Tell them what a pickup is.

• 29:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I don't think people know what a pickup is.

• 29:21Speaker 03

  Oh, pickup is like, so say I'm telling a joke, and at one point, I like fumble a line.

• 29:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 03

  Somebody writes that down and goes, hey, you fumbled this line, so then the audience, you go, hey, laugh again. And usually, they're like, you're kind of in on this joke together, which is kind of fun.

• 29:34Mark Normand?

  It's kind of endearing.

• 29:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, and the first show, I tried to do a pickup, and they didn't laugh at the part that I heard, and I was like, you guys, what's going on? Yeah, and then the second show.

• 29:42Sam Morril?

  They have to tell it a third time.

• 29:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:43Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 29:44Mark Normand?

  Was it a 7pm-er? Seven PM is evil.

• 29:47Sam Morril?

  So what do you think eight?

• 29:48Mark Normand?

  Eight and ten, always better, because seven, they get off work at five.

• 29:51Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 29:51Mark Normand?

  Then they gotta, they're like, do I go home and take a shit? Or should I go straight there? Maybe I'll go to Chipotle before, it's too.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Not enough drink time. It was Saturday, but it was a hot day.

• 30:01Mark Normand?

  Never mind.

• 30:02Speaker 03

  If it's a hot day, you're.

• 30:03Sam Morril?

  It's funny how everything factors in. You're literally looking at your, the weather report on your phone, and you're like, fuck.

• 30:08Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  Also, close friend in the front row that I was staring at and telling a long bit about.

• 30:13Sam Morril?

  That's, by the way, that's like on, that's on whoever's seat in the room, because they should fucking know. Because I remember I did a joke about getting blown in one of my, in my album. It was like, it was like a crazy story.

• 30:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:25Sam Morril?

  And I just see my mom do this in the crowd. I mean, I don't need to see that shit.

• 30:28Mark Normand?

  Throws you off.

• 30:29Sam Morril?

  She, we're both, she's upset to hear it, I'm upset to see it.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:32Mark Normand?

  And we sound like such assholes, your mom's like, I didn't hear about my son getting blown. Like, oh yeah, well, I had to see you do this.

• 30:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but that does, but that does throw you at a taping where you're just like, I don't want to see.

• 30:42Mark Normand?

  No, I'm lucky my parents don't know.

• 30:44Sam Morril?

  You sit the parents in the back, always.

• 30:45Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 30:46Sam Morril?

  Your Rosa Parks, the parents.

• 30:49Speaker 03

  I didn't make sure the moms were in the back, thank God.

• 30:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 30:51Speaker 03

  But the one friend who bought a ticket because she like has a baby, I told a whole joke about her having a baby. And the like.

• 30:57Sam Morril?

  You're like, this stupid bitch.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  I was like, yeah, she looked bad. She looked bad after the baby, I'm like describing it in detail. I'm talking about her husband, who I'm looking at also.

• 31:05Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  It was crazy.

• 31:07Mark Normand?

  See, I'm not a per, too personal of a comedian, so stuff like that, I don't know how you guys deal with that shit.

• 31:12Speaker 03

  But the good thing is, all the setups are going, can be pulled into the, because I said them so cleanly, because it was like pin drop. So I was like, I will just use diction to say everything, so those can be pulled into the second set.

• 31:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah, honestly.

• 31:25Mark Normand?

  It's gotta be great.

• 31:26Sam Morril?

  Every special gets saved in the edit. I always think about the Mitch Hedberg half hour that became legendary, but apparently he's bombing for like 50 minutes. And they just cut it into an amazing 22.

• 31:36Mark Normand?

  And it made his career.

• 31:37Sam Morril?

  It made his career.

• 31:38Mark Normand?

  He's laying on the floor at one point, he's like, I'm bombing so bad, why even try?

• 31:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 31:42Speaker 03

  Oh, really?

• 31:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, they sweetened it.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't think, I'm very like OCD about sweetening. I get very weird about that. Like, it's like, I don't wear Spanx either, because I'm worried that people will love me for the wrong reason.

• 31:54Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 31:54Speaker 03

  Does that make sense? Like, when women are-

• 31:55Sam Morril?

  Like, your body's gonna be too tight or something?

• 31:57Speaker 03

  Like, everybody was like, "Wear Spanx for your special," all of my female friends. Just because they all do that. And I was like, "No, because I don't, I'm, I don't want to trick anybody into thinking that things are better than they are, so I can't sweeten, I can't wear Spanx, I can't wear, what's the other thing I can't wear? Oh, lip stain? I can't, tattoos are weird that I do that. I can't wear deodorant.

• 32:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I noticed.

• 32:19Speaker 03

  I apologize, yeah. I text you ahead of time, I said, "Just so you know, this is my boundary."

• 32:24Sam Morril?

  But who's gonna be tricked? Like, you're gonna hook up with some guy and he's like, "You fucking, you lying bitch, I watched your special." No one's gonna actually be tricked by that.

• 32:33Speaker 03

  By sweetening or by Spanx?

• 32:34Sam Morril?

  No, by Spanx.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  But the Spanx thing is like, haven't you seen those memes where it's like, what she looks like before I take her pants off, what she looks like after? And it's like, it is real, yoga pants are crazy. No, I have to be, nobody can think that it's, so they can't be sweetened because they can't be like, "That joke hit hard." It has to hit as hard as it did.

• 32:51Sam Morril?

  You're just telling, you're just telling the hair and makeup, "Make me look as dumpy as possible."

• 32:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I wiped off a bunch of makeup she put on.

• 32:58Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 32:58Speaker 03

  Oh, totally, yeah.

• 32:59Mark Normand?

  Dumpy is funnier also.

• 33:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  There's nothing that makes me more mad than when somebody is trying to be hot for their special.

• 33:06Sam Morril?

  Dead is funnier.

• 33:07Mark Normand?

  Chris Farley, ah, shit.

• 33:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, dumpy usually dies quick, but it is funnier.

• 33:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 33:13Sam Morril?

  But you're against sweetening. People always think, the funny thing is, even if you kill, they're like, "They sweetened it." So that's why I'm like, "I don't give a fuck."

• 33:19Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 33:20Sam Morril?

  My thing is like, just, this is what the joke usually gets. If, if it's like, a little over, put it up, you know, I don't care about that shit.

• 33:28Mark Normand?

  I know, but you have one good set and we're like, "Laugh track." I'm like, "No, no, this was a good set."

• 33:32Sam Morril?

  It's almost never, I don't think I sweetened shit in the last one. It might have been like, one or two jokes. But usually-

• 33:40Sam Morril?

  I did like four sets. I did, you know, and then one before I did seven. So I'm like, one of the, one of the jokes.

• 33:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, I did well.

• 33:46Sam Morril?

  One of the jokes hit.

• 33:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:47Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 33:48Sam Morril?

  If I can't, if it's not hidden one in seven times, I didn't make it.

• 33:50Mark Normand?

  Seven is wild.

• 33:51Sam Morril?

  I was at the den. I was just having fun. And I was also like, I had a great setup. I was in Chicago. I had Vida with me. I just had like, it actually made it less pressure because different people came every night. So I didn't get like bombarded.

• 34:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:04Sam Morril?

  So just every night we got fucked up. Every night, Vida and I woke up and sauna'd. It was like, it was kind of a good.

• 34:10Mark Normand?

  It's a vacation almost.

• 34:11Sam Morril?

  It wasn't bad. Yeah, it was kind of, by the end, I was like, this was a bad idea.

• 34:14Mark Normand?

  But you got some, probably so much money, it paid for the, the taping.

• 34:17Sam Morril?

  I don't know. Maybe. I don't even remember.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  That is the difference between men and women. If I drank the night before, you would look at my face and be like, she drank.

• 34:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 34:25Speaker 03

  You guys can sauna and look normal again? Yeah.

• 34:27Mark Normand?

  You get a puffy?

• 34:28Speaker 03

  Have you seen women when they wake up, just in general?

• 34:30Sam Morril?

  When's the last? When's the last time you drank?

• 34:34Speaker 03

  Oh, I drank in Italy like two years ago. I had a glass of wine. I just don't.

• 34:38Mark Normand?

  Pull it up. Let's see that face.

• 34:39Speaker 03

  I'm addicted to candy. So I had to choose.

• 34:43Mark Normand?

  Spanx. Are you like a nerds?

• 34:45Speaker 03

  I had, oh, nerd clusters?

• 34:47Sam Morril?

  Oh, those are good.

• 34:48Mark Normand?

  Dude, I.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  They're a delicacy.

• 34:49Mark Normand?

  Did a, did a gig with Soder one time and, you know, he's sober and I'm drinking and he's like, you want to come with me to 7-Eleven? Cause we're like starting to go to bed. And I was like, okay, I bought a bunch of Tylenol and he's like in the nerd section like, they got the blue nerds. Oh shit, they got this kind of nerd. He's going nuts. He's like a, like a crackhead, but about nerds.

• 35:08Sam Morril?

  I had the same thing. I have a soda story just like that. And it's hilarious cause like I have memories of getting fucked up with him. And now I'm hammered and he's in like, he's like grabbing ruffles and shit.

• 35:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, gummy bears, licorice, whatever.

• 35:21Sam Morril?

  He's the best.

• 35:21Speaker 03

  No, I'm a candy whore. So I had to choose. Do you want sweets or do you want, cause I couldn't.

• 35:25Sam Morril?

  I assumed you had a problem or something.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  I mean, I have a problem with, I have a problem with consumption.

• 35:30Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Food, sex, love, candy. So if it's booze, it's just like, that will alter who I am. Candy will not.

• 35:38Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 35:38Speaker 03

  Sex will not. You know what I mean? But booze is like, I can't.

• 35:41Sam Morril?

  You seem very against altering who you are in any way, which is maybe a good thing.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. No alterations. Yeah, totally.

• 35:47Mark Normand?

  We could use a few.

• 35:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 35:49Sam Morril?

  What, what, um, there was no incident where you were like, I'm done with booze?

• 35:54Mark Normand?

  No rock bottom?

• 35:55Speaker 03

  It's just weight. It's just like, it's just my weight is so hard to manage because I used to be so fat. That if I do anything extra, I just like get too. I like to feel like there's no extra water weight. There's no, you know what I mean?

• 36:09Mark Normand?

  How'd you lose the fat originally?

• 36:11Speaker 03

  Anorexia.

• 36:12Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  Full, full, I only ate grapefruits. That was the move. Grapefruit all day, every day.

• 36:18Sam Morril?

  That's gotta be not good.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Horrible for the stomach lining, must be. But yeah, and I just started, some kid was just like, do you want to put my penis in your mouth and it's in my special? And I was like, yeah. And then the dopamine of getting male satisfaction made it so that I didn't need to eat anymore. I was like, oh, if I'm skinny, I'll have sex and love. I just have to not eat and suck a lot of cock.

• 36:37Mark Normand?

  Did he actually say it like that? Does that work?

• 36:40Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. When you're, when you're fat, dude, you can do anything to a fat girl. You can literally be like, let's try your butthole and I'm gonna put two cocks in there and they'll be like, oh, guy. Why not?

• 36:52Mark Normand?

  Damn, alright.

• 36:52Speaker 03

  If you have an ex-fat girl as a partner, she will be, I mean, it's, it's, it's crazy. You can just abuse them.

• 36:58Mark Normand?

  I gotta fatten my wife up.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Fatten her up and then slim her down.

• 37:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  Get her really fat and then slim her down. Yeah, you have to break the self-esteem.

• 37:07Mark Normand?

  Geez, speaking of Oprah, it's like, uh, yeah, fluctuation.

• 37:10Sam Morril?

  Fatten her up and only grapefruits. That's how you do it.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  That's what I worry about with my hot friends. I'm like, what happens when you get old and ugly? Are you, is your life over?

• 37:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you gotta have a personality too. If you're only about your looks, then you're in for a rude awakening.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  So many people are like that though.

• 37:24Mark Normand?

  I know. Well, they kind of go crazy too. You see Morgan Fairchild on a front lawn, like drunk and waving the, like a swastika. It's because they're not hot anymore. Oh yeah, pull that up.

• 37:33Sam Morril?

  A swastika?

• 37:34Mark Normand?

  Well, I threw that in there. But, you know, they're not hot anymore, so they have to like get attention other ways. Cause they, they're so used to being, you know, treated so well.

• 37:44Mark Normand?

  Oh man, she was a, she was like eighties hot.

• 37:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:47Mark Normand?

  A lot of makeup, big hair. Acting crazy. These are just images you're on. You gotta go to all.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  What'd she do?

• 37:55Mark Normand?

  Uh, she just went nuts in the front lawn one day.

• 37:57Sam Morril?

  Eh, who hasn't?

• 37:58Mark Normand?

  That's true. That's true.

• 38:00Sam Morril?

  I mean, we get fucked up every once in a while. I got, I got bombed the other day. It's every once in a while, I feel like I need, I need a reset. I need to like, feel like shit to know that this is bad.

• 38:08Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:09Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 38:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, totally.

• 38:11Sam Morril?

  Do you ever, how much candy are we talking in like a night? Is it a nightly thing?

• 38:15Speaker 03

  Well, right now it's cake because I got a cake for my special. But it's like, I'll stop eating real food and just go on a candy binge.

• 38:20Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? It'll be like, it's a depression thing.

• 38:24Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 38:24Speaker 03

  But it is like, I'll definitely have candy every day. A little bit of candy every day. Oh, for sure.

• 38:30Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 38:30Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:31Mark Normand?

  What's your go-to?

• 38:33Speaker 03

  It's, you know what's fucked up? It's Swedish fish.

• 38:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, those are great.

• 38:36Speaker 03

  You like those?

• 38:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:37Sam Morril?

  They're good. It's just a funny one to binge on.

• 38:39Speaker 03

  I love Swedish fish.

• 38:40Sam Morril?

  I wouldn't have guessed. If you gave me 80 guesses, I wouldn't have.

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know. It's, I like old lady candy. I like black licorice.

• 38:45Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 38:46Sam Morril?

  I like that.

• 38:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's good.

• 38:48Mark Normand?

  Eesh. Swedish fish, it's subtle. The beauty of it, the subtlety.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  It's good.

• 38:51Mark Normand?

  And that gooey, gelatin-y chew.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  The soft like powder outside is good.

• 38:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Oh, you are an addict.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  I am.

• 38:59Mark Normand?

  You're snorting that powder.

• 38:59Speaker 03

  When I go to the hotel and there's that whole candy, it's fucked up. I have to remove it.

• 39:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, is that your routine after a show? You're just chilling in the hotel and you're like?

• 39:07Speaker 03

  I don't let myself, well, in Canada, we, me and Jake tour through it all. That's the other thing is Jake sometimes, my opener, very funny comic Jake Velazquez, will go, he'll become Fat Jake.

• 39:17Mark Normand?

  Uh-huh.

• 39:18Speaker 03

  Usually he's Chat GPT Jake, which is Chat GPT tells him what to eat. He follows directions.

• 39:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, my god. What a nerd.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  But sometimes I can get him to be Fat Jake and he'll let loose and then we're just in Candy Town together.

• 39:27Sam Morril?

  Did you do the ruffles all dressed or the, or the ketchup lays? And that's the best Canada has to offer right there.

• 39:31Speaker 03

  What is it? Ketchup lays?

• 39:33Sam Morril?

  Oh, you've never had those?

• 39:34Speaker 03

  I've never had that.

• 39:35Sam Morril?

  We had bags of it. We were just in Vancouver. They're fucking phenomenal.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 39:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, so you're like Denzel in Flight, but with, instead of the booze, you're the, going through the candy.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:44Mark Normand?

  At the hotel.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:46Mark Normand?

  The Toblerone.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, the Toblerone.

• 39:48Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, that's always staring at me.

• 39:50Speaker 03

  That's why those Bark comedy clubs are so dangerous.

• 39:52Mark Normand?

  Oh my god, tell them about the Bark comedy club.

• 39:54Speaker 03

  Bark comedy club, you walk into the green room and there's drawers and drawers.

• 39:58Sam Morril?

  Oh, is this like Spokane?

• 40:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:01Sam Morril?

  I always say, get that shit out of there.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Do you really?

• 40:03Mark Normand?

  So much.

• 40:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's too much.

• 40:05Speaker 03

  But it's not only just like, it's not like bite sized, they have like full Snickers, like an entire drawer full of Snickers. I think one time Jake got through like seventeen cowtails before going on stage and was...

• 40:15Mark Normand?

  It killed Ralphie May at that club.

• 40:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:17Mark Normand?

  I don't know if you knew that, but it's so, it's like organized, so it's all those little, little clear drawers and you're like, there's my Reese's, there's my Nerds, there's my jelly bean.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  It makes you feel like you're doing your taxes to eat candy.

• 40:27Sam Morril?

  He's got Snickers all over his face, they feel his neck, they're like, mm.

• 40:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:31Sam Morril?

  He's gone.

• 40:32Mark Normand?

  Snicker please. But yeah, those clubs, it's a nice sentiment, but you're like, you're...

• 40:38Sam Morril?

  It's not though.

• 40:39Mark Normand?

  You're dealing with addicts here.

• 40:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  So mean.

• 40:40Sam Morril?

  Because I got, I get off the stage and Vida and I would just be stuffing our face with like Starbursts and Twizzlers and by the end we're like, I feel horrible.

• 40:47Mark Normand?

  I feel horrible.

• 40:48Sam Morril?

  It's the same as booze, you realize how bad this shit is, the second the high goes away.

• 40:53Speaker 03

  Also, hangover is the exact same.

• 40:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 40:55Mark Normand?

  No.

• 40:55Speaker 03

  Oh yeah.

• 40:56Sam Morril?

  Not as bad, but it's gross.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  It's not, if you stay up all night in candy and stay up all night drinking, because all, all alcohol is that hangover is no sleep.

• 41:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  With the sugar jitters.

• 41:06Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  So it's the same, it's brutal.

• 41:08Sam Morril?

  I make worse decisions on alcohol, but yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 03

  That's true, that's why I chose candy.

• 41:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  It's never made me fuck anybody, it's made me not fuck people.

• 41:17Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 41:17Speaker 03

  You eat too much candy, you never have sex, every time I drank, I had sex with somebody I hated.

• 41:20Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 41:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 41:21Sam Morril?

  Every time?

• 41:22Speaker 03

  Just some guy would be like, I don't like you, and I'd be like, get in here, it was, it was crazy.

• 41:26Mark Normand?

  I didn't know you hated me.

• 41:29Mark Normand?

  Wow, that's crazy.

• 41:30Sam Morril?

  That is a turn on, when someone like says they don't like you, you're like, it is fucking...

• 41:33Speaker 03

  It's just immediate.

• 41:34Sam Morril?

  It is a turn on.

• 41:35Speaker 03

  It's so crazy.

• 41:37Mark Normand?

  You want what you can't have.

• 41:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 41:38Mark Normand?

  And you hate yourself, so you're like, I get it.

• 41:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 41:41Mark Normand?

  We're in agreement.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  I don't know how you guys do it, these cum whores on the... On, on, for men, that come up for men. There was one girl that goes, she go, she was, you were going there, side splitters. She sees Soder's poster. She was at my show and I was like, oh, you should go see Soder. He's great. And she goes, yeah, I'm gonna fuck him.

• 41:57Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  No, I think he's in like a pretty committed relationship. And she goes, oh, he'll cheat. And I was like, I don't think he will. And she goes, they all cheat. And I went, you are my literal nightmare. Just like a small brunette with huge tits.

• 42:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:10Speaker 03

  Probably like 21.

• 42:11Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 42:12Speaker 03

  Just being like, I will force his cock into my body. It was so scary. And I was like, this is, for, for women, it's scary because of other women. For men, it's scary because of women.

• 42:20Sam Morril?

  Tampa's a different breed.

• 42:22Mark Normand?

  And that's true.

• 42:23Sam Morril?

  Tampa chicks are, are different.

• 42:25Mark Normand?

  Soder is a, is an anomaly because he's a killer comic, but he's also like 6'4", good looking face. Deep, well, he's, he's like a hot guy.

• 42:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 42:34Mark Normand?

  He'd be a hot guy if he was just like a, a harmonica player.

• 42:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:38Sam Morril?

  Not a harmonica.

• 42:39Mark Normand?

  Ah, maybe not harmonica.

• 42:40Sam Morril?

  Well, it did like.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  Then you couldn't hear the voice.

• 42:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 42:42Mark Normand?

  Ah, good point. Oh.

• 42:43Sam Morril?

  But most other jobs, I'm with you.

• 42:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if he was like a barista, he'd be like, that's a good looking barista.

• 42:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:48Mark Normand?

  But here he is just doing comedy and being hilarious.

• 42:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:52Mark Normand?

  So, well, we have to check in after he does Tampa. We'll have him on and see if he fucked that girl.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  No, this was a while ago.

• 42:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, alright, well.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  He's good. He doesn't seem like a guy.

• 43:00Mark Normand?

  No, he's not. He's not.

• 43:01Speaker 03

  There's no way. Because.

• 43:02Mark Normand?

  Katie's a good egg.

• 43:03Sam Morril?

  He's also sober. You can't, you can't be the sober guy who's fucking around.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  You what?

• 43:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, he's sober too.

• 43:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 43:08Mark Normand?

  That'll do.

• 43:09Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, the sobriety thing. But it's intense, dude. The girls are.

• 43:12Sam Morril?

  You cheated on me? I had too many gummy bears and I fucking.

• 43:15Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 43:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:16Mark Normand?

  Wait, what happened?

• 43:17Speaker 03

  Just women, if men come up to me, they go like this. They go, do you want to hang out after? And I go, no, absolutely not. No way. And they go, okay. Women, I'll be, they'll be like, do you want to fuck? And I'll be like, no. And they will not take no for an answer. And they'll like, they'll, because they're not used to anybody saying no to them. And they'll get closer and touchier and grabby. And I'll have to be like, you have to get the fu, I mean, the amount of times that me and Jake have been like, we now have to get this woman removed.

• 43:43Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  And it's always like a hot girl in a trucker hat who's like, we're the same, dude. I work in a man's world too. I'm a bassist in a band. And like, they won't, because women aren't used to.

• 43:52Sam Morril?

  Have you ever been with a woman?

• 43:54Speaker 03

  I have, I did not like it.

• 43:56Mark Normand?

  What do they, they wanna eat you out, or what do they, what do they wanna do? Scissor?

• 43:59Speaker 03

  Dude, they just wanna...

• 43:59Mark Normand?

  Uh, strap on?

• 44:01Speaker 03

  I don't know, they don't say, they don't say, "I would like to strap on."

• 44:04Mark Normand?

  Interesting, yeah, I guess that's true.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  They were like, "Are you sure, they're like, "Are you sure you're not gay? You are, just try." "We don't have to try anything, we'll just..."

• 44:10Mark Normand?

  Wow, pushy!

• 44:11Speaker 03

  It's so pushy.

• 44:12Sam Morril?

  Sounds like a dude.

• 44:14Mark Normand?

  It does.

• 44:14Sam Morril?

  Just watch a movie.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  A dude, a dude in the 2000s, maybe, but now, now men are like, "Alright, I won't do anything."

• 44:19Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 44:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, we are more cautious these days.

• 44:21Mark Normand?

  And we're used to hearing "no," like if a girl says "no," you're like, "Ah, it's about right."

• 44:24Speaker 03

  On to the next, yeah, yeah, totally.

• 44:26Mark Normand?

  But a woman, I think, is like, "No, uh, I won't stand for this."

• 44:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, a woman is like, "I've decided tonight will be the night where I fuck this comic."

• 44:34Mark Normand?

  Wow, but see, here's what, I've mentioned this before, but female comics always go, "Oh, must be nice for men, all these girls come up to ya, no guy hits on me." But then if a guy does hit on you, you're like, "Get the hell away from me." So which one is it?

• 44:46Speaker 03

  It's the men that hit on you, you don't even see because they have... It's like, you'll see the guy who's like a P A on the, uh, you know, for the show, and you'll be like, "He's hot," but if it's a fan, we don't see them, like, men, if you see a fan that's like, "I wanna fuck you," you go, "I'll fuck a fan." We don't see fans as men.

• 45:03Mark Normand?

  Okay, no woman has ever told me this.

• 45:06Speaker 03

  That's the reality, if somebody comes up and they're like, "Can I have a poster? Also, I'd love to take you out," you're like, "What, what are you, like a..." It's like a little kid.

• 45:12Mark Normand?

  Right!

• 45:13Speaker 03

  "Here's your candy," and they're like, "Do you wanna have sex?" You're like, "No, I'm your babysitter."

• 45:15Mark Normand?

  I see.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  Whereas for you guys, all women are, you're kind of their babysitter, because all women are a little infant. You know what I mean? It's like, "I love you," and you're like, "Yeah."

• 45:22Mark Normand?

  I love infants.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:24Mark Normand?

  But wait, wait, wait, wait, so if it's like a P A at the club or something?

• 45:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, if the sound guy comes in.

• 45:29Mark Normand?

  Okay, interesting.

• 45:31Speaker 03

  That's attractive, but if it's a fan, you're like, "No, no woman is attracted to a fan."

• 45:37Sam Morril?

  I think the P A guy is worse, because you, that's like a work person.

• 45:39Speaker 03

  Work person's hotter than fan.

• 45:41Mark Normand?

  See, this is good, I've never heard this.

• 45:43Sam Morril?

  What do you think, Mark, where do you stand?

• 45:43Mark Normand?

  Well, I'm not a woman, so I'm...

• 45:45Sam Morril?

  I know, but as a dude, where do you stand on it?

• 45:46Mark Normand?

  As a dude, I wouldn't care either way. I don't care if it's fan or work, but what do I give a shit?

• 45:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's just, I think the work is a little worse, I think.

• 45:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:56Sam Morril?

  You're kinda like...

• 45:56Mark Normand?

  Because that could affect your job, like, now you, this girl hates you that you work with.

• 46:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 46:03Mark Normand?

  I mean, you are leaving. In two days, or whatever. But you gotta go back and be like, "How's that sound lady?" And they're like, "Oh, she got promoted." And you're like, "Ah, shit."

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:12Mark Normand?

  That's not good.

• 46:13Speaker 03

  It's like getting catcalled when somebody hits on you at a show. You're like-

• 46:16Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  You're like, "You'll fuck anybody. You're black." You know what I mean?

• 46:22Speaker 03

  It's like fucking on training wheels a little bit. You're like, "What am I gonna..." It's, yeah, it's like not attractive to fuck a fan as a woman.

• 46:27Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  Because we wanna be fanning.

• 46:29Mark Normand?

  Got it. See? You give me honest answers as a woman. Every other girl's like, "Oh, shut up. I don't know. Ah, put it in my ass."

• 46:36Speaker 03

  Oh, no. We really, yeah, we wanna look up to you guys. That's, I can't, I've... If I date a guy who's at all, there's any like sycophantic, any like, it's disgusting. It's disturbing.

• 46:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I guess you do, I guess it is also, it is a turnoff if a woman like, likes me.

• 46:51Mark Normand?

  Well, that too, yeah.

• 46:52Sam Morril?

  You know, if someone's like, like, "Oh, you're great." I'm like, "Ew."

• 46:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:55Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 46:56Sam Morril?

  It is that Annie Hall shit.

• 46:57Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 46:58Sam Morril?

  It always comes back to Annie Hall, but it's like-

• 47:00Mark Normand?

  Don't wanna be a member of a club that would have me, or whatever it is.

• 47:03Speaker 03

  But that's weird, because then he's attracted to children who've literally been conned into being attracted to him as a provider. You know what I mean?

• 47:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but she didn't want him properly. She was a kid. That's not consent. So, you know what?

• 47:14Speaker 03

  It's like, "Ew, you're old, which is hot."

• 47:16Sam Morril?

  It lines up.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, that does make sense.

• 47:18Mark Normand?

  Okay, I'm learning a lot here. This is good. The sound guy, yeah, you're kind of even.

• 47:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, the sound guy just has to do his job. He doesn't even wanna be there.

• 47:26Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  The fan has like, bought tickets. Yuck.

• 47:29Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 47:30Speaker 03

  That's crazy.

• 47:31Mark Normand?

  Also, the sound guy can be like, "Hey, good show."

• 47:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:34Sam Morril?

  Okay, what if it's a guy, though, who's just like, "Yeah, you were all right."

• 47:37Speaker 03

  Great, I'll fuck with him.

• 47:38Sam Morril?

  That's what I mean.

• 47:39Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 47:40Sam Morril?

  But he's not a fan.

• 47:41Speaker 03

  He's definitely not in the meet and greet line.

• 47:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  Which is where I would meet them.

• 47:44Mark Normand?

  Got it.

• 47:44Sam Morril?

  He's like, "Yeah, I've seen better, but you were fine."

• 47:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've had guys where their buddy was fanning out and they're like, "Hey, my buddy's like a huge fan. Will you, he can't talk. Can you sign this for him?"

• 47:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:53Speaker 03

  And I'm like, "Are you not a fan?" And he's like, "No, I am." And I'm like, "Okay."

• 47:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 47:59Speaker 03

  I've never done it, because I have, the only reason to have sex is to find love forever for a woman.

• 48:05Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 48:05Speaker 03

  We don't need to come ever, unless it leads to something.

• 48:08Sam Morril?

  That's what I always tell them, too.

• 48:11Sam Morril?

  But no, but that's like, I know what you mean. Like, if there's a guy after a show and he's like shaking,

• 48:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:16Sam Morril?

  You don't wanna fuck him.

• 48:16Speaker 03

  There's no way.

• 48:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, I would love to fuck that guy.

• 48:19Sam Morril?

  Just with the vibration?

• 48:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah. But I think with the, it must be fun as that Soder lady with the big tits who's like cute. You're like, I've never gone to a show and seen a female act and been like, I could fuck her. That has never happened once.

• 48:32Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 48:32Mark Normand?

  If I go see Patti LaBelle, I'm not like, you know what, I could probably, I could probably flip her.

• 48:37Speaker 03

  I, that is such a good point. It is crazy.

• 48:39Sam Morril?

  It is crazy eager.

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Sitting in the audience and be like, I'm gonna fuck that guy.

• 48:42Mark Normand?

  But it's, it's, it's reality for a woman. Like, she could go to a Maroon 5 concert and be like, I'm hot enough that I could probably fuck whatever the guy's name is with the tattoos. Whereas a guy could never be like, I'll go to this Madonna show and get laid.

• 48:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:55Mark Normand?

  By Madonna. That will never happen.

• 48:57Sam Morril?

  That's a big one, though. An arena, an arena, I'm gonna fuck this person. That's, that's.

• 49:01Mark Normand?

  Was a bit much.

• 49:02Sam Morril?

  That's big.

• 49:02Mark Normand?

  Even like Gwen Stefani's also big. Who's a low level singer? Even Fat Adele wouldn't fuck me.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  Fat Adele.

• 49:12Sam Morril?

  Fat Adele's still an arena act, though, Mark.

• 49:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, you're right.

• 49:15Sam Morril?

  I mean, we're talking about, you know.

• 49:16Mark Normand?

  Joan Jett now?

• 49:19Mark Normand?

  Who's playing in Long Island at the bar?

• 49:20Sam Morril?

  I fucked Joan Baez a few weeks ago.

• 49:23Mark Normand?

  She's gotta be 79. Maybe older, actually.

• 49:26Speaker 03

  I'm trying to think of a female that...

• 49:30Speaker 03

  No, I have none.

• 49:31Sam Morril?

  I mean, the joke doesn't work, because no one's, we, we don't know that deep into music.

• 49:34Mark Normand?

  No, no, no.

• 49:35Speaker 03

  Even to go to The Cellar when they're playing that music.

• 49:37Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 49:38Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 49:39Mark Normand?

  Even her, I couldn't, the bitch on the fiddle.

• 49:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, no way. You'd be like, she's busy, she's doing something.

• 49:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's just crazy. I, can you imagine, like, dude, can you imagine if we went to like a, I don't know, like,

• 49:49Speaker 03

  But you've never done that, because you guys are kind of famous.

• 49:51Mark Normand?

  No.

• 49:52Sam Morril?

  What do you mean, no?

• 49:53Mark Normand?

  Done what? Gone to a show and been like, I could fuck her?

• 49:56Speaker 03

  Like, you've never gone to like a, a, a party and there's like famous people there and you've been like, I think I can hook up with?

• 50:00Sam Morril?

  No.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  We have friends who think that way and do it. They can do it.

• 50:04Sam Morril?

  That's crazy.

• 50:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:05Mark Normand?

  I couldn't fuck the randos at the party.

• 50:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, same.

• 50:11Sam Morril?

  You know that purple shop pay button you see at the checkout? That's Shopify. They make the customer experience simple by keeping your payment and shipping information saved. So if you're an online retailer, that translates into more sales for you. Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the US, from household names like Mattel and Jimm Shark to brands just starting out. Shopify helps you manage your inventory, create your online store, write product descriptions, and even enhance your product photos. And their built-in marketing and email tools help you find and keep new customers. I mean, this is something you should definitely give a shot to. Shopify is, you see it everywhere right now for a reason. Shopify is the best converting checkout on the planet. So get that purple button added to your site today.

• 50:54Sam Morril?

  If you want to see less carts being abandoned, it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Ka-ching. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com/Drunk. Go to Shopify.com/Drunk. That's Shopify.com/Drunk. Ka-ching.

• 51:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Hims. If your car breaks down, you're gonna take it to the mechanic. If your dick stops working, you're gonna take it to Hims ED. Hims provides men with access to affordable sexual health treatments, and everything is done online. With a huge range of doctor-trusted ED treatments, like chewable hard mints, Viagra, Cialis, and more, it's easy to find something that will work for you. You don't need insurance, and no, and one low price covers everything, from treatments to ongoing care. Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/Drunk. That's H-I-M-S.com/Drunk for your personalized ED treatment options. Hims.com/Drunk.

• 51:57Mark Normand?

  The featured products include compounded products, which are not approved nor verified for safety effectiveness or quality by the FDA. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Prices vary based on this product and subscription plan. Hims ED.

• 52:15Speaker 03

  I'm also just not motivated to, I'll DM forever, I'll DM flirt forever, but yeah, I have my best friend and my dog waiting for me at the hotel, there's no way.

• 52:24Sam Morril?

  The DM flirt's underrated. It's almost filling the same need in a way.

• 52:27Speaker 03

  It is, yeah, but you don't have to get a yeast infection.

• 52:30Sam Morril?

  You can just jack off and be like, yeah, it was, it worked.

• 52:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, totally.

• 52:33Sam Morril?

  Now I can just watch what I want to watch.

• 52:34Speaker 03

  Jake will be like, there'll be such a hot girl that's my fan that will come up to him and be like, let's fuck, right? And I'll see him at the hotel with me being like, I have to go, she is so hot, but the hang, and I'm like, I know, it's a really hard choice.

• 52:45Sam Morril?

  The hang is underrated.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  The hang is bru- is crucial.

• 52:48Sam Morril?

  I wasn't even trying to get laid when I'm on a tour bus, because I'm just like, I want to watch a movie with Veder.

• 52:53Speaker 03

  I know, I know.

• 52:55Sam Morril?

  With my buddies, I'm like, we're gonna watch Man Hunter tonight, I want to see that.

• 52:58Speaker 03

  Some women will just be like, I will blow you in, because, you know, Ian, girls will just be like, I'll blow you in the bathroom, right now.

• 53:04Sam Morril?

  Ian? What does anyone get out of this? The blowjob? No, but, no, but, I get what he gets out of, what is the person? You tell us, you're the gal.

• 53:12Speaker 03

  I don't blow randomly.

• 53:14Sam Morril?

  Come on.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  No, I never have, I only have sex for forever love. I never, or to punish somebody who doesn't love me.

• 53:21Sam Morril?

  Are you, I didn't know you were in a relationship, is it good? Are you happy?

• 53:23Speaker 03

  Oh, it's on and off all the time, we break up every other day, but that's, I've never not had that.

• 53:28Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 53:29Speaker 03

  But, it is like, if I'm in a relationship and me and you get into a fight, that would be one reason I fuck, right? Just for revenge, otherwise it's.

• 53:37Sam Morril?

  You would fuck someone else?

• 53:39Speaker 03

  Well, if we broke up, yeah, totally.

• 53:41Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 53:41Speaker 03

  Immediate breakup at sex?

• 53:43Sam Morril?

  Revenge fuck, alright. Fiery coos. Are you, are you, uh, are you good in a fight? Are you a good communicator, or are you just vicious?

• 53:51Speaker 03

  I'm not vi- I'm, I'm windy, I'll wind you up into an insane thing that you can't get out of, where if you say one thing, I'll say it's bad in the other thing, I'll tie you up.

• 54:00Sam Morril?

  Oh, this is making me wildly uncomfortable. Yeah.

• 54:03Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, it'll be like, it'll be like, what did you mean by that? Because it sounds like you meant this by this, and if you meant that by that, then we have to break up, so did you mean this or that? And I'll be like. That and I'll be like, "I knew it, it's over." It's like that.

• 54:13Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 54:14Speaker 03

  And then if he's like, "Okay, fine, we can end it," I'll be like, "What it, what do you, you wanna end it?" It's like that.

• 54:18Sam Morril?

  Oh, you're a minefield.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  It's fucked up.

• 54:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 54:21Speaker 03

  I'm in therapy, Alan's helping, Alan's helping. The problem with Alan is Alan is the stand up for you guy. That, Alan is like-

• 54:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he is.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  He's like, "You need to stand up for yourself," which is a little fucked up sometimes because I'm like, "I'm wrong a lot," and he's like, "You're never wrong."

• 54:35Mark Normand?

  He does, yeah, you're right.

• 54:36Speaker 03

  He does that.

• 54:37Mark Normand?

  You're right. And he, he taught me to assert myself. He's like, "You gotta assert," and he raised his prices, and I was like, "That's too high." And he's like, "Well, that's what it is, so I haven't gone in two years." I'm assertive.

• 54:47Sam Morril?

  But it worked.

• 54:47Mark Normand?

  He taught me that.

• 54:48Sam Morril?

  It worked.

• 54:48Mark Normand?

  I was like, "You fucked yourself here, Al."

• 54:50Sam Morril?

  You negotiated against, against him.

• 54:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I mean, he like, I think he saw the Netflix special and he was like, "Oh, you can afford more than seventeen dollars." And he upped it like five hundred percent. And I was like, "I'm out."

• 55:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:01Sam Morril?

  You handed him a few crumpled up bills.

• 55:03Mark Normand?

  Threw it in his face.

• 55:05Sam Morril?

  You're, you're leaving the session crying, like, "Thank you so much."

• 55:08Speaker 03

  I pay him in seller cash and it's crazy.

• 55:10Mark Normand?

  I do that too.

• 55:11Speaker 03

  You do. I would come in, I'll owe him like two thousand dollars and just come in with fifties and be like, and he's like, "Thank you," it's so weird.

• 55:18Mark Normand?

  He's also big on the parent. Alan's always like, "Oh, that's your parents, that's your parents." And I'm like, "What? I'm killing prostitutes. That's your parents."

• 55:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's big on the parents. I know, and sometimes I'm like, "Alan, I'm doing bad things." And he's like, "No, he's bad."

• 55:31Sam Morril?

  Some of these parents, it's not, some of these serial killers had normal parents.

• 55:34Mark Normand?

  I know, I know.

• 55:35Sam Morril?

  Sometimes you're just, you're just a bad little shit.

• 55:37Mark Normand?

  Exactly, exactly. People are bad. I mean, there's, I think sociopathy is just, it's like an eight, right? It's just in you.

• 55:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:45Mark Normand?

  You can't become a sociopath, right?

• 55:47Speaker 03

  Have you ever met somebody that you're like, "Oof, close?"

• 55:50Sam Morril?

  I'm in showbiz, yes.

• 55:51Mark Normand?

  I know, I know a guy.

• 55:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, I, I have people that represent me where I'm like, "That guy could kill some people."

• 55:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, totally.

• 55:55Sam Morril?

  He strangled a couple prostitutes.

• 55:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:58Sam Morril?

  So I, I'm fascinated by the fact that you say you only have sex for love. That, I, I didn't know that about you. That's interesting.

• 56:03Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. I mean, I was talking to, uh, Steph Tolev because she has like a hit list of guys she's fucked. It's the funniest list I've-

• 56:09Sam Morril?

  A hit list?

• 56:09Speaker 03

  I mean, you know, of sex. What do they call that?

• 56:12Sam Morril?

  A list?

• 56:13Speaker 03

  Uh-

• 56:13Mark Normand?

  Schindler's List?

• 56:14Speaker 03

  Well, body count?

• 56:16Mark Normand?

  Body count. Very different than a Hit List.

• 56:18Speaker 03

  Hit List? Yeah.

• 56:19Mark Normand?

  Hit List people you wanna kill.

• 56:20Speaker 03

  But she has them all named as like, Lake Man. You know, they all have like, names that she can like, remember it. Where it's like, Two Kids Lives With Mom, stuff like that. And I was like, oh yeah, I never have fucked on the road. I mean, I fucked like, once, maybe.

• 56:31Mark Normand?

  Well, that's part of the problem, is we do this whole thing of like, men and women, we're the same, but we're so different.

• 56:36Speaker 03

  No way.

• 56:36Mark Normand?

  Every, like, ninety percent of the women I've had sex with, I have no recollection of it.

• 56:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 56:41Mark Normand?

  I don't, I never got their name, I never thought about it twice. It's just an oil change for a guy.

• 56:45Speaker 03

  It's an oil change.

• 56:46Mark Normand?

  I know that sounds crass, but it's just how we're wired. I'm sorry.

• 56:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, the release is literally so we can be a human again.

• 56:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:53Speaker 03

  So that they can fill back up.

• 56:54Sam Morril?

  It's like werewolf shit.

• 56:55Mark Normand?

  It is, and that's why we wanna leave after. Cause we're like, oh, what the hell, I'm hanging out with you?

• 57:00Sam Morril?

  Oh, I've done it.

• 57:01Mark Normand?

  That's what we do now.

• 57:02Sam Morril?

  You ever do, you ever, you ever in a fight with someone you're dating? And you just jerk off before and you're like, none of your powers are working?

• 57:08Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 57:10Sam Morril?

  I'll jerk off and I'll pop an ad roll and I'll be, I'll be like Superman. I'll be fucking like, I'll be like, I'll be just dodging her dumb fucking, it's amazing.

• 57:16Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 57:18Mark Normand?

  Her tits and her boobs and her ass.

• 57:19Speaker 03

  Maybe I should do that before I fight.

• 57:21Mark Normand?

  Ah, I don't know what I mean.

• 57:22Sam Morril?

  Come?

• 57:22Speaker 03

  Yeah. I know, I just get sleepy, I just pass out for six hours every time.

• 57:28Sam Morril?

  No, but I, I think that the jerk off is, is, is a powerful maneuver.

• 57:32Mark Normand?

  Totally, totally.

• 57:34Sam Morril?

  It's used as a, as a tactic in, in a relationship. You're like, oh, you, you get the power back. Cause they know you wanna get laid.

• 57:40Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 57:41Speaker 03

  How often are you guys having sex in long-term relationships?

• 57:44Mark Normand?

  Well, my wife just had a baby.

• 57:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:47Mark Normand?

  So you're not allowed to have sex for six weeks. So we had sex six weeks to the day.

• 57:51Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 57:52Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 57:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And I just did it again on accident.

• 57:54Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 57:55Sam Morril?

  Do you think you're gonna get round two out of it?

• 57:56Mark Normand?

  No, no, we, we checked. We're good.

• 57:58Speaker 03

  I don't think it can do it like, oh, I guess Irish twins happen.

• 58:01Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 58:02Speaker 03

  Where it comes up, right?

• 58:03Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 58:04Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 58:04Sam Morril?

  Would you be okay with a second kid?

• 58:06Mark Normand?

  Well, I would, yeah, I would go with it. It's kinda nice to knock it out, actually, I think.

• 58:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think you might, you should.

• 58:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 58:12Sam Morril?

  You think, you think of a second kid?

• 58:14Mark Normand?

  No, I don't think she's pregnant again, but I think, I think I would like a second.

• 58:17Sam Morril?

  Wow, what are you, dude?

• 58:19Speaker 03

  It helps to have them together.

• 58:19Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 58:20Speaker 03

  You've met only children?

• 58:21Sam Morril?

  Are they bad?

• 58:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:23Mark Normand?

  They're like comedians. They're the worst.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  They just don't learn to share, they get, yeah, they don't have, you know, it's like, if you've been out to dinner with somebody who like, is like, demands that there's no tapas, that's an only child. You know what I mean? Like, they don't- They don't learn how to fight, like they don't learn that they'll get their shit kicked in if they call somebody a nate.

• 58:41Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 58:42Speaker 03

  That's what I've realized with people where I'll be like, you can't say this shit. And they're like, why not? I can say what I want. I'm like, oh, you never had like an older sister that just ran your head into a dragon.

• 58:49Sam Morril?

  I'll beat you up. That's a good point.

• 58:50Mark Normand?

  Simmons keep you in check.

• 58:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:52Mark Normand?

  You know, you're like, I'm wearing a boa and sunglasses are like, they rip that off you and kick you in the balls.

• 58:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:56Mark Normand?

  Okay, I needed that.

• 58:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 59:00Speaker 03

  It's very necessary.

• 59:01Mark Normand?

  You gotta have two, and they can, they can hang out with each other. Like, I don't have to like entertain two kids or one kid. If they have two kids, now you're playing basketball or whatever, wrestling. Go nuts.

• 59:12Speaker 03

  Can you crank it out that fast? Your vagina just rips open and then you just do it again?

• 59:16Sam Morril?

  Do you want kids?

• 59:18Speaker 03

  I don't know. My whole thing is if I get pregnant, I'll have it. If I don't, I will never.

• 59:22Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 59:22Speaker 03

  I'm very animal oriented. I really treat my dog like a baby and feel totally whole.

• 59:29Sam Morril?

  Didn't you meet, I think last time we talked, you met a guy at the dog park. Didn't that happen?

• 59:33Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:34Mark Normand?

  Uh oh.

• 59:34Speaker 03

  We went on a date.

• 59:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 59:36Speaker 03

  It was a very meat cute.

• 59:39Mark Normand?

  Mm hmm.

• 59:39Speaker 03

  But yeah, brutal kisser. I'm all about, if the kissing is bad, we can't.

• 59:43Sam Morril?

  What's a bad kisser?

• 59:44Mark Normand?

  Teeth?

• 59:45Speaker 03

  No, teeth is even better. Teeth I can, I can work with.

• 59:48Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 59:48Speaker 03

  It's the zero mouth open.

• 59:51Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's just.

• 59:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah, what is that?

• 59:55Speaker 03

  It's just a, I don't know. It's just fear.

• 59:57Mark Normand?

  Weird.

• 59:58Speaker 03

  It's just a form of fear.

• 59:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, you're right. And I've had the opposite where the girl's like.

• 1:00:04Sam Morril?

  Oh, that's, that's rough too.

• 1:00:05Mark Normand?

  Paint a fence. Take it easy, sister.

• 1:00:07Sam Morril?

  Jesus Christ, yeah, that's awful.

• 1:00:08Mark Normand?

  I mean, she was in a wheelchair with MLS, but still.

• 1:00:14Mark Normand?

  Yikes, dog park pickup. That's like a rom com.

• 1:00:17Speaker 03

  The dog park pickup was very cute. Yeah. The other thing is I don't think I would want to date a guy who has a dog.

• 1:00:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, you want to be the dog.

• 1:00:24Speaker 03

  I want to be the dog. It's also like a bit of a form of weakness to me.

• 1:00:27Sam Morril?

  A dog?

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:28Sam Morril?

  To me, it's the opposite. To me, it's like the person knows responsibility.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  No, I prefer a guy who's like, I don't.

• 1:00:33Sam Morril?

  I want to fuck a guy with a dog.

• 1:00:34Speaker 03

  Yeah? No, but why do you need a dog? Cause you're slightly codependent and a gooey gooey boy?

• 1:00:39Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:00:40Sam Morril?

  If I didn't do this job, I would, if I didn't have this job, I would absolutely do it, have a dog.

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:45Mark Normand?

  In the city though, you gotta walk it.

• 1:00:47Sam Morril?

  Dogs are fun, man.

• 1:00:48Mark Normand?

  They're fun, but I feel like in the city, it's tough.

• 1:00:50Sam Morril?

  It is tough. You would never do a dog?

• 1:00:51Mark Normand?

  I wouldn't do a dog. I have a cat. Well.

• 1:00:53Speaker 03

  A cat is not a cat.

• 1:00:55Mark Normand?

  Huh?

• 1:00:56Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:00:56Speaker 03

  Your cat is not a cat.

• 1:00:57Mark Normand?

  That's true. You know my cat?

• 1:00:59Speaker 03

  My dog knows your cat. Your cat, I kept doing the funniest game. His cat is forty-five pounds.

• 1:01:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  And I kept throwing Coyote's toy. My, my dog is fifteen pounds. Kept throwing Coyote's toy near the cat and Coyote would like try and get it and get as close as possible. And the second the cat would move, she would like zip out of the room.

• 1:01:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Wait, when did you, when did your dog meet my cat?

• 1:01:18Speaker 03

  It was at Broussard's birthday party. They were babysitting.

• 1:01:20Mark Normand?

  That's my cat, a Maine Coon.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you're not, a Maine Coon is like this big. Your cat is the biggest.

• 1:01:25Mark Normand?

  It's huge. Big paws, big head. It's crazy.

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  It's, it's, it looks like it should be illegal. Like it looks like you own.

• 1:01:31Mark Normand?

  It's like a lynx.

• 1:01:32Speaker 03

  It's so huge.

• 1:01:33Mark Normand?

  It's huge, but it, I didn't want a cat and the wife was pushing it and I gave in.

• 1:01:38Speaker 03

  That's realistic.

• 1:01:38Mark Normand?

  That's the cat.

• 1:01:39Speaker 03

  That's literally, you think that's photoshopped or not?

• 1:01:42Mark Normand?

  In German, the word for Maine Coon translates to living room tiger. Cause that's what it is.

• 1:01:47Sam Morril?

  Hmm.

• 1:01:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:48Speaker 03

  It's awesome. But I would say that's a dog.

• 1:01:51Mark Normand?

  It's a dog. It plays fetch. It greets you at the door. It flees to you. It's great.

• 1:01:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah, maybe, maybe a cat's a move at some point. Who knows?

• 1:01:58Mark Normand?

  Love a cat.

• 1:01:59Speaker 03

  But their piss smells like piss.

• 1:02:01Mark Normand?

  Well, you go litter box.

• 1:02:03Speaker 03

  Do you have an auto clean?

• 1:02:05Mark Normand?

  No, but I have a, my house, I keep it in the back. So I don't, I don't see it, but I have to change it.

• 1:02:09Speaker 03

  That cat probably shits human.

• 1:02:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's bigger than Ian Biden.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  I like how I said cat piss and we all thought of Ian.

• 1:02:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah, Ian does seem like he has a smelly taste.

• 1:02:21Speaker 03

  It's so, so.

• 1:02:22Sam Morril?

  Should we do a peeve?

• 1:02:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:24Sam Morril?

  Let's get some peeves cooking again.

• 1:02:25Mark Normand?

  We got, we got some, uh, guest peeves.

• 1:02:27Sam Morril?

  What do we got?

• 1:02:28Mark Normand?

  Or, or listener peeves.

• 1:02:29Speaker 03

  You should get a dog, Sam. I bring Coyote everywhere. It's the best.

• 1:02:32Sam Morril?

  I can't do it now.

• 1:02:32Mark Normand?

  Another difference between men and women, you see a guy with a dog and you go, codependent, nerd.

• 1:02:38Speaker 03

  Gay.

• 1:02:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you just said you would never fuck a guy with a dog. You're like, you should get a dog.

• 1:02:41Speaker 03

  Well, you like them.

• 1:02:42Sam Morril?

  I do like them. I know, but what if other women think this way?

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  Women love guys with dogs.

• 1:02:45Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 1:02:46Mark Normand?

  Not you, though.

• 1:02:46Speaker 03

  I just like, I, I prefer somebody who's like zero attachments. I'm really.

• 1:02:51Sam Morril?

  You want to be the center of the world?

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  No, I want them to hate everybody, including me, but sometimes they let me in a little.

• 1:02:58Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:02:59Speaker 03

  I really.

• 1:02:59Sam Morril?

  You like, you like this. Why do you think that is?

• 1:03:01Speaker 03

  My parents.

• 1:03:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:03Speaker 03

  Zero.

• 1:03:04Sam Morril?

  Alan.

• 1:03:04Speaker 03

  Zero Alan, yeah. But I don't, my mom, our game, the game we used to play was called No Kisses Today, which is where me and my sister would try and kiss my mom and she would forehead.

• 1:03:12Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 1:03:13Speaker 03

  Punch us off of her. It was so fun. It was so fun, but I-

• 1:03:17Sam Morril?

  That is fucking revealing.

• 1:03:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, but I only realized recently that wasn't a game that everybody plays.

• 1:03:21Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:03:22Speaker 03

  And you'd go like this, and she'd push like that. It was the best game.

• 1:03:25Sam Morril?

  My dad did the opposite game. He was like, here's a bunch of kisses.

• 1:03:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:27Sam Morril?

  When you don't want them.

• 1:03:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:29Mark Normand?

  I'll kiss your penis.

• 1:03:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, weird. Okay, wow, an unfriendly lesbian? I've never heard of this thing.

• 1:03:36Speaker 03

  Oh, so unfriendly. My mom's just a man. She's just, that's why she fucks women. She is a man. If she were like now, she'd be trans.

• 1:03:42Sam Morril?

  Do you-

• 1:03:42Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  A hundred percent.

• 1:03:43Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:03:43Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 1:03:44Sam Morril?

  Do you, you're really close with your mom though, right?

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:03:47Mark Normand?

  But two moms.

• 1:03:48Speaker 03

  Two moms. One is a mommy. My stepmom is like mommy.

• 1:03:51Mark Normand?

  Okay, got it.

• 1:03:52Speaker 03

  And she's very touchy and I go eh, and she goes, I'm doing it, and I go eh, like that. But my mom is like, we don't touch.

• 1:03:58Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:03:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:00Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 1:04:01Speaker 03

  She came to my special and was crying and my sister was videotaping, just because we never see her cry. And she was like, just, get the fuck out of here.

• 1:04:07Sam Morril?

  She was just proud.

• 1:04:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:10Sam Morril?

  That's cool.

• 1:04:10Speaker 03

  It was cool.

• 1:04:11Mark Normand?

  Man, I'm learning a lot.

• 1:04:12Sam Morril?

  And what's your, your mom like? What does she behave like at a special like that?

• 1:04:15Speaker 03

  The sweet mom?

• 1:04:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:16Speaker 03

  She did my hair.

• 1:04:18Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:04:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, so she's just like touching my hair and like, you mean me, yeah, like that.

• 1:04:21Mark Normand?

  Hmm, so it's yin and yang.

• 1:04:22Speaker 03

  It's very yang, but they're not together anymore, because my mom was too mean.

• 1:04:26Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:04:27Speaker 03

  But they're very good friends. My mom is, I have, has two pit bulls. I will never be in a relationship again. She cheats constantly. I found out she fucked two dudes recently.

• 1:04:34Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:04:35Speaker 03

  Two dudes cheated on Michelle. We just did a podcast here the other day and she was, and Michelle was like, what about the two dudes you fucked? My mom was like, that was conference sex. And I was like, what?

• 1:04:43Sam Morril?

  Conference?

• 1:04:44Mark Normand?

  What does that mean?

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 1:04:45Mark Normand?

  Conference?

• 1:04:46Speaker 03

  I guess it means-

• 1:04:46Sam Morril?

  Were two dudes at once? Is that what it is?

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  No, no, it's separate dudes. No, no, like she was at a conference and I guess didn't think it counted.

• 1:04:52Mark Normand?

  Is she attractive?

• 1:04:54Speaker 03

  My mom? Yeah, she's swaggy.

• 1:04:57Mark Normand?

  Eh.

• 1:04:57Speaker 03

  She's super.

• 1:05:00Speaker 03

  Pull, pull, Sue, Sue Cosentini.

• 1:05:02Mark Normand?

  Give me the weight.

• 1:05:03Sam Morril?

  So she's, she's bi?

• 1:05:05Speaker 03

  She, I, she's bi.

• 1:05:08Mark Normand?

  All right. Oh, you're gonna... Oh, oh, oh, we don't have to pull your mom. I don't wanna

• 1:05:13Speaker 03

  No, look at my mom.

• 1:05:13Mark Normand?

  Show your mom's

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  There she is.

• 1:05:15Mark Normand?

  Hotness level. She is kinda swaggy.

• 1:05:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, she's swaggy.

• 1:05:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I thought that was Sammy Hagar.

• 1:05:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:21Mark Normand?

  But either way.

• 1:05:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:22Mark Normand?

  Wow. Oh, yeah, all right.

• 1:05:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, she did Rick Glassman's pod, huh? Oh.

• 1:05:29Speaker 03

  No, that was his mom.

• 1:05:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry, Rick. Uh, oh, yeah, I can see it.

• 1:05:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:36Mark Normand?

  Well, where, who was the sperm, though, for you?

• 1:05:39Speaker 03

  My dad.

• 1:05:40Sam Morril?

  And you don't talk to your dad?

• 1:05:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, he died, okay.

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he's dead, so you can't talk to him.

• 1:05:44Speaker 03

  But he was also very hot.

• 1:05:45Sam Morril?

  He's a hot guy?

• 1:05:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:47Sam Morril?

  Were you close with your dad?

• 1:05:48Speaker 03

  Super close, yeah.

• 1:05:49Sam Morril?

  When did he pass?

• 1:05:50Speaker 03

  Super close.

• 1:05:51Sam Morril?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:05:52Speaker 03

  Um...

• 1:05:52Sam Morril?

  Your dad fucked you?

• 1:05:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, we fucked.

• 1:05:54Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 1:05:55Speaker 03

  No, but I wa- my dad was, we were like best frie- he died when I was like fifty, when he was fifty-eight. So like ten years ago.

• 1:06:01Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:06:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, geez.

• 1:06:02Speaker 03

  It was like the way he wanted to go. He was like, I do not wanna get old. I just wanna work and die. It was good.

• 1:06:07Mark Normand?

  Suicide?

• 1:06:07Speaker 03

  It was actually great. No, we just, he just had a bunch of weed, some NyQuil, died in his sleep. He smoked two packs a day.

• 1:06:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:06:14Speaker 03

  So...

• 1:06:15Mark Normand?

  Whoa. Where were you from again?

• 1:06:17Speaker 03

  Upstate New York.

• 1:06:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's why.

• 1:06:19Speaker 03

  Ithaca, Lansing, yeah.

• 1:06:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's a dark area.

• 1:06:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a dark area.

• 1:06:22Sam Morril?

  That's like a high suicide rate, that area.

• 1:06:24Speaker 03

  Well, the Asians. So the Asians, their parents go like this, their parents go, you have to go to an Ivy League school, or we kill you. So they go to Cornell, which is the least Ivy League school, and then they get a B, and they jump off one of our gorges, cuz we have gorges everywhere.

• 1:06:37Mark Normand?

  Beautiful gorges.

• 1:06:37Speaker 03

  So then we built Asian catchers.

• 1:06:40Mark Normand?

  Like the Apple Store?

• 1:06:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, like the Apple Store, these big nets that catch them.

• 1:06:45Sam Morril?

  That's why I used to call dating apps Asian catchers.

• 1:06:47Speaker 03

  Yeah. That's a good dating app.

• 1:06:49Mark Normand?

  Ah, Asian net.

• 1:06:51Speaker 03

  Um, and then we catch the Asians and we pull them out.

• 1:06:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, it is a depressing, it is a depressing place. I feel like a lot of great writers came from there, like didn't, didn't like Raymond Carver, he, like...

• 1:07:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Raymond Carver, Jay McInerney, like all these like great, all these like dark writers, he at least was like a student there or something, all these great writers. Cuz it's miserable and it's cold and it's, and there's a darkness to it.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:12Mark Normand?

  I just did Ithaca, I just performed there, it was great.

• 1:07:14Speaker 03

  Where'd you go? The state?

• 1:07:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:16Speaker 03

  Oh, that's beautiful.

• 1:07:17Mark Normand?

  Theater, beautiful.

• 1:07:18Sam Morril?

  I did Buffalo's killer. Buffalo's great.

• 1:07:21Speaker 03

  Buffalo's dark. That Buffalo has no, because I think at least has like a Narnia quality.

• 1:07:25Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:26Speaker 03

  Where it's small and there's waterfalls.

• 1:07:28Mark Normand?

  Tippy-dippy.

• 1:07:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. Buffalo's like...

• 1:07:30Sam Morril?

  I like Buffalo.

• 1:07:31Mark Normand?

  Buffalo's rough. I mean, I love the crowds there because they need a fucking laugh.

• 1:07:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:36Speaker 03

  I love them because women there are like, they are funnier than most female comics.

• 1:07:41Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:07:41Speaker 03

  Like, I lived in Buffalo for three months and they were just like fat, slap-hoggy women who would just like randomly be like, "I'm taking off my shirt." Not to be sexy, but just like, "It's too hot. I'm too hot." You know what I mean? Like, and they were just like, "Everybody, we're doing the, we're playing rugby now." But they were all straight with like a boyfriend that was castrated. It was the best.

• 1:07:58Sam Morril?

  I think that was my opener. I said, "All the women on Tinder here look like Artie Lange."

• 1:08:01Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

• 1:08:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the Buffalo uniform is a Bills jersey, pajama pants, and a scowl.

• 1:08:09Speaker 03

  Yes. Yes.

• 1:08:10Sam Morril?

  But great food in Buffalo. Like, they really do have good food.

• 1:08:13Speaker 03

  They do have good food.

• 1:08:14Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:08:15Sam Morril?

  I mean, they eat well. It's like, you gotta have good food in a cold weather place.

• 1:08:18Mark Normand?

  Well, it was like a boomtown for a while. Then, you know, all the shit went, like Rochester, Buffalo, it all went to hell.

• 1:08:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:08:25Mark Normand?

  Syracuse.

• 1:08:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:26Speaker 03

  Have you been to Minneapolis? That's like a secret.

• 1:08:28Mark Normand?

  I love Minneapolis.

• 1:08:29Speaker 03

  That place is bizarrely well-run.

• 1:08:32Mark Normand?

  Why?

• 1:08:32Sam Morril?

  The area I was performing in was rough.

• 1:08:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:08:34Sam Morril?

  I was like the downtown, like right by the arena. I'm like, "This is fucking a rough part of town."

• 1:08:38Speaker 03

  Oh, I didn't see any of that.

• 1:08:40Mark Normand?

  Most Somalis in America.

• 1:08:41Speaker 03

  Okay, the Somali thing is so funny.

• 1:08:43Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:44Speaker 03

  I cannot, when I was there, I could not stop asking questions about it. The fact that it's all these midwesterners that are so sweet, and then like the blackest people.

• 1:08:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:52Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? And they're just like, "No, the more the merrier. Come on in." And it's just like a full, because it's like, it's like when you go to Williamsburg and it's like an entire different tribe of people.

• 1:09:01Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 1:09:02Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? And you're like, "Okay, I guess this is just, it's so blatant."

• 1:09:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:06Speaker 03

  Here, it's like so integrated, but there, it's like fat little ladies resting their little paws on their bellies with casseroles and like, black pirates.

• 1:09:14Sam Morril?

  And then you say, "We're the captain now."

• 1:09:16Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Like, like a man holding a machete and they're like, "Come on in. Use it to cut the cake." That's the, it's crazy.

• 1:09:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, Minneapolis. I was there in the summer, the first time I ever performed there, and I was like, "This town is great." And the guy's driving me around the city, and I'm like, "Why don't more people live here? This is an amazing hidden gem." And he's like, "The cold is so bad, it keeps people out."

• 1:09:36Sam Morril?

  Oh, I mean, that's one part I don't love about that downtown, is that everything is like an indoor mall thing. So you're like, on apps, you're like, "Wait, where's this coffee shop?" And you're like, "Oh, I have to go through like a tunnel."

• 1:09:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:47Sam Morril?

  So I don't love that, but yeah, Minneapolis is a great city.

• 1:09:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, people love tunnels.

• 1:09:52Sam Morril?

  We don't like talking about them, though.

• 1:09:56Sam Morril?

  You keep them a secret.

• 1:09:57Speaker 03

  My favorite city is Toronto, I think.

• 1:09:59Mark Normand?

  Toronto's awesome.

• 1:10:00Sam Morril?

  It's your number one city?

• 1:10:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:10:01Sam Morril?

  Come on. I love Toronto, but number one?

• 1:10:04Speaker 03

  You mean like in the, like, Europe, including Europe and stuff?

• 1:10:07Mark Normand?

  No, no, let's go in the tri-state area, or the new, the, the, the, America.

• 1:10:10Sam Morril?

  US and Canada, US and Canada.

• 1:10:12Speaker 03

  US and, Toronto.

• 1:10:13Sam Morril?

  Really? Over New York?

• 1:10:16Speaker 03

  Oh, well, New York is hard because I have it down, but...

• 1:10:19Mark Normand?

  You live here.

• 1:10:19Speaker 03

  Toronto is like clean New York.

• 1:10:22Sam Morril?

  Well, how about Vancouver?

• 1:10:24Speaker 03

  No, too much weed. Way too much weed.

• 1:10:26Mark Normand?

  You don't like weed?

• 1:10:27Speaker 03

  They do dabs.

• 1:10:28Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:10:29Speaker 03

  I like, the Toronto audiences are so hot. They're a good comedy, they treat me like a celebrity. The, I like how integrated everything is. Like, here it's just like black, white, Mexican. But there, it's like every different...

• 1:10:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:10:43Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? And it's just well, it's just well-maintained.

• 1:10:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's a good city.

• 1:10:48Mark Normand?

  It's better than New York.

• 1:10:49Speaker 03

  Vancouver, they do dabs. I asked them, I was like, "What are you guys smoking?" And they were like, a bunch of them were like, "Dabs."

• 1:10:55Mark Normand?

  And heroin is huge. The Hastings Street is like walking dead.

• 1:10:58Sam Morril?

  There's a guy with a fucking machete right outside the alley. I was trying to get out my door, and they're like, "Stay put." Fucking machete!

• 1:11:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:04Sam Morril?

  I think I said this last week, but...

• 1:11:05Speaker 03

  Winnipeg is crazy, too.

• 1:11:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, that's a sad place. It's a good comedy town, but sad. One thing I noticed about Winnipeg, beautiful women with ugly guys.

• 1:11:15Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, we noticed that, too.

• 1:11:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, there you go!

• 1:11:17Speaker 03

  Yes!

• 1:11:18Mark Normand?

  You see a guy who looks like, uh, Joe List, and you're like, "Wow, his girlfriend is gorgeous."

• 1:11:23Speaker 03

  Really hot women. Very interesting, yeah.

• 1:11:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that was sad.

• 1:11:27Speaker 03

  Really good accent, though.

• 1:11:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I'm going, I'm going to Winnipeg soon. I can't wait, man. I'm kind of pumped. Do they hate us?

• 1:11:34Mark Normand?

  Well, Trump.

• 1:11:35Sam Morril?

  That was better, yeah.

• 1:11:36Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, they hate Trump. They broke up with him.

• 1:11:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:11:39Sam Morril?

  He broke up with them.

• 1:11:41Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, but he said, "I'll make you my bitch."

• 1:11:44Sam Morril?

  You know, he wasn't cool.

• 1:11:45Speaker 03

  And then Canada said, "I'm not, I'm barking you." I thought it was a little bitchy.

• 1:11:49Sam Morril?

  No, it's a divorce and with the children and it's our dad's fault for sure.

• 1:11:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, totally.

• 1:11:54Sam Morril?

  We gotta, you know.

• 1:11:55Mark Normand?

  Mexico as well.

• 1:11:55Speaker 03

  And we don't mind that much. Like she was the, you know, she was a good cook.

• 1:11:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we're like, "We're America, we'll find someone else."

• 1:12:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we'll go to Cuba if we have to, or Haiti. But Mexico's mad at us too. So both are upstairs and downstairs neighbors in the apartment.

• 1:12:07Sam Morril?

  They hate us.

• 1:12:08Mark Normand?

  Fucking hate us. They're like hitting us with broomsticks on the ceiling. It's not good.

• 1:12:11Speaker 03

  Why is Mexico mad at us?

• 1:12:12Sam Morril?

  Ah, he's a...

• 1:12:13Mark Normand?

  Gulf of, Gulf of America.

• 1:12:14Sam Morril?

  No, I mean, I think Trump's been poking them for quite some time.

• 1:12:17Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah. Why were they driving a ship through here?

• 1:12:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, that was bad.

• 1:12:22Sam Morril?

  That was fucking weird, huh?

• 1:12:23Mark Normand?

  Hispanic Titanic. That's what I've been calling that.

• 1:12:25Speaker 03

  How do you not know that that thing is gonna hit you?

• 1:12:27Mark Normand?

  Well, it was drifting, because they were like, they turned the motor off. And so they were like getting up on the mast. Now they're half mast. But they were getting up on the mast and they were like, "Hey, everybody." And they didn't realize they were drifting into the bridge.

• 1:12:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that was good. But didn't shut it down. I went right over it that next day.

• 1:12:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, no. Yeah, the bridge was fine. Who needs a wall?

• 1:12:46Speaker 03

  How did they not know? I guess they're not used to being tall.

• 1:12:49Mark Normand?

  I tweeted that thing.

• 1:12:50Speaker 03

  You did?

• 1:12:50Mark Normand?

  I did that same joke, yeah.

• 1:12:51Speaker 03

  No, really?

• 1:12:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Look at that. Oh, and there's people on there, by the way. Those sails are full of people. They're like standing. Two people died.

• 1:13:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:00Mark Normand?

  R.I.P. Build that bridge.

• 1:13:03Speaker 03

  That is crazy.

• 1:13:05Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 1:13:05Speaker 03

  Really cool that our bridge didn't fucking budge, though.

• 1:13:08Mark Normand?

  No, it's a wooden ship.

• 1:13:10Speaker 03

  But what were they doing? They were just showing some stuff?

• 1:13:12Mark Normand?

  I think they were, it was the part of the Mexican Navy, which, you know, they shouldn't have been in our waters. Just kidding.

• 1:13:20Speaker 03

  What's your number one city, Sam?

• 1:13:22Sam Morril?

  In America, outside of New York, I like Chicago. I like SF. I like, uh...

• 1:13:27Speaker 03

  Chicago has too many, um, like, men that wear no-show socks. Like, it's too many...

• 1:13:33Mark Normand?

  Huh.

• 1:13:34Speaker 03

  It's too many queer...

• 1:13:35Sam Morril?

  Why'd it have a whole city based on socks?

• 1:13:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. Like, it's too many, like, [BLEEP]. I mean, like, not [BLEEP] gay men, but like, gay men married to women. You know what I mean?

• 1:13:44Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 1:13:45Speaker 03

  Men with like... Maybe like-

• 1:13:47Sam Morril?

  Well, that should work to my advantage, because then there's more available women.

• 1:13:50Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Great for you.

• 1:13:51Sam Morril?

  I like Chicag- I love Chicago. I love SF. What do you think, Mark?

• 1:13:55Speaker 03

  SF sick.

• 1:13:56Mark Normand?

  I mean, those are both great cities. I try to find a hidden gem, like a sleeper. Because everybody knows those are great. So, you ever been to Wilmington, North Carolina?

• 1:14:06Sam Morril?

  It's a great city.

• 1:14:07Mark Normand?

  Great town. Great town. On the water. Yeah. Southern, but still fun. It's got a New Orleans vibe, but not all Cajun-y.

• 1:14:14Sam Morril?

  It's not played out, really. I haven't been there in years, but I've been there a few times, and I loved it.

• 1:14:18Mark Normand?

  The Carolinas are great. Like Asheville's great.

• 1:14:21Speaker 03

  Providence is cool.

• 1:14:22Mark Normand?

  Providence is a great town.

• 1:14:23Sam Morril?

  Underrated.

• 1:14:24Mark Normand?

  I love Providence.

• 1:14:25Speaker 03

  It's cool because it's a beach town, but there's a mafia vibe.

• 1:14:27Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:14:28Sam Morril?

  And more strip clubs than any city per capita.

• 1:14:30Mark Normand?

  Foxy ladies. Eggs and legs.

• 1:14:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:33Mark Normand?

  Uh, what else? What else is a good city? Uh, uh, uh, Tempe is fun, if you're really getting after it.

• 1:14:42Sam Morril?

  Dude, I had a great time in Seattle, honestly.

• 1:14:44Mark Normand?

  Seattle's fun.

• 1:14:45Speaker 03

  Seattle's sick.

• 1:14:46Sam Morril?

  Killer.

• 1:14:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm trying to think some off the beaten path. Madison, great town.

• 1:14:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Sometimes I just think of the shows, though. I'm like, what's a good city? I'm like, I had a good show there.

• 1:14:54Mark Normand?

  That's a good point, yeah.

• 1:14:55Sam Morril?

  Is it a good-

• 1:14:56Speaker 03

  Madison is so hot. It's crazy.

• 1:14:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's a good point.

• 1:14:58Sam Morril?

  Honestly, I had a great time in Milwaukee. I loved it.

• 1:15:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:15:01Speaker 03

  I've never been to Milwaukee.

• 1:15:01Mark Normand?

  I'm going there soon.

• 1:15:02Sam Morril?

  I love Milwaukee.

• 1:15:03Speaker 03

  I've never been to New Mexico either, I realized.

• 1:15:05Sam Morril?

  Santa Fe is- Santa Fe is sick.

• 1:15:07Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:15:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I think it's cool. You don't like it?

• 1:15:09Mark Normand?

  Ah, a little dry.

• 1:15:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:12Mark Normand?

  A tumbleweed. It's very Hispanic.

• 1:15:15Speaker 03

  Bozeman, Montana?

• 1:15:16Mark Normand?

  That's very pretty.

• 1:15:18Speaker 03

  Really cool.

• 1:15:18Mark Normand?

  Very pretty.

• 1:15:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, you should go.

• 1:15:20Sam Morril?

  Like Yellowstone vibes?

• 1:15:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, very earthy, very fun. Although, I got heckled for an hour. That crowd was the drunkest I've ever seen.

• 1:15:26Speaker 03

  Oh, they get fucked up. That's the problem with the hidden gems, are they're wasted.

• 1:15:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:15:30Speaker 03

  Because they're so far off the map, it's all they can do.

• 1:15:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:15:34Speaker 03

  Winnipeg got fucked up. Winnipeg is a weird place.

• 1:15:37Mark Normand?

  It is. Neil Young's from there.

• 1:15:40Speaker 03

  Oh, it's stab- it's stab city or something? What did they always say?

• 1:15:44Sam Morril?

  Stab city?

• 1:15:45Speaker 03

  Never take a Winnipeg handshake, which is just where somebody stabs you.

• 1:15:48Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:15:48Speaker 03

  Like, nine people said that while I was there.

• 1:15:50Mark Normand?

  What? They got no guns there, so they're stabby.

• 1:15:52Speaker 03

  They're stabby.

• 1:15:54Speaker 03

  But it's fine.

• 1:15:54Sam Morril?

  It's an awful adjective about. He's a little stabby.

• 1:15:57Speaker 03

  Do you get Joe List with cities where Joe's scared to go outside and have to sleep?

• 1:16:00Mark Normand?

  He's scared of the coo.

• 1:16:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah, what is that?

• 1:16:02Mark Normand?

  Meanwhile, he lives in Cookenville or in New York.

• 1:16:04Speaker 03

  Because things happen to him. Like, in Vegas, he got, like, circled by kids on a bike.

• 1:16:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's right.

• 1:16:08Speaker 03

  You know when you're scared, it kind of, like, finds you?

• 1:16:11Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 1:16:11Speaker 03

  It's like my friends who lock their money up and shit, they always get robbed. You know what I mean?

• 1:16:15Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:16:16Speaker 03

  Like, when you're more... He always, like, whack shit happens to him. Yeah. You have to just be like...

• 1:16:20Sam Morril?

  You have to just walk around confidently, and if something happens, it happens.

• 1:16:23Speaker 03

  Dude, I feel like Steve Rogers has been punched in the head by almost 30 times.

• 1:16:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, he's got a real punchable mug, that guy. He was like a little kid. Uh, but we were at my wedding in, in New Orleans, and List is like, "This town's crazy. There's too many psychos here." And Andy Haynes, we're all eating at this brunch spot. Andy Haynes is like, "Shut up, you big pussy. What are you talking about?" You know, he's, he's like, very progressive. He's like, "It's fine." And we look outside, there's a guy getting stabbed in the courtyard, and the cops come, and List is like, "Thank you very much. All right, here we go."

• 1:16:54Sam Morril?

  And then the cops start stabbing List.

• 1:16:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah. He's like, "I saw your last special. I hated it." Yeah. But that was a true story. New Orleans is very violent.

• 1:17:04Sam Morril?

  It's wild. That's a great city, though, too.

• 1:17:05Mark Normand?

  That's a fun city.

• 1:17:06Speaker 03

  That's a great city.

• 1:17:06Mark Normand?

  Not a great comedy city.

• 1:17:07Sam Morril?

  No.

• 1:17:08Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:17:08Sam Morril?

  Well, the last one I did was pretty. I did the Fillmore last time. It was pretty fun.

• 1:17:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, the Fillmore. I heard Savros told me that's a tough room.

• 1:17:14Sam Morril?

  I, I liked them.

• 1:17:15Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:17:15Sam Morril?

  It's funny, I liked them, and then my agent forwarded me, uh, an email being like, "This is the worst show I've ever seen," and I was like, "Wow." I was like, "That was a pretty good one."

• 1:17:23Mark Normand?

  And why you forwarded me these hate emails?

• 1:17:25Sam Morril?

  Because he thinks I find, I do find them funny.

• 1:17:27Mark Normand?

  Okay, okay.

• 1:17:28Sam Morril?

  I think when someone writes, like, a long thing about how much they hated the show, I find it funny.

• 1:17:31Mark Normand?

  Ah, that is enjoyable.

• 1:17:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:32Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so...

• 1:17:33Mark Normand?

  Sometimes I get the lady, like, "You were the, you were so offensive. You should be ashamed of yourself." And I'm like, "That's funny."

• 1:17:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't like, you know, "You should kill yourself." It was like, "He's, like, disgusting, awful." I was like, "I, I find that shit kind of funny."

• 1:17:45Mark Normand?

  Do you get women? Because you're a lady, so are women like, "You're not being ladylike, and you're wearing pants that are torn, and your hair is weird."

• 1:17:51Speaker 03

  No way.

• 1:17:52Mark Normand?

  Okay, good.

• 1:17:53Speaker 03

  No, but I don't read anything. I don't read comments.

• 1:17:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:17:56Speaker 03

  I don't read emails.

• 1:17:57Mark Normand?

  Buckle up. I can show you some stuff.

• 1:17:58Speaker 03

  Uh, don't.

• 1:17:59Mark Normand?

  Woo!

• 1:17:59Speaker 03

  People send it to me. I cannot, I can't read comments.

• 1:18:02Sam Morril?

  Who sends you that stuff?

• 1:18:04Speaker 03

  My friends will be like, fuck this guy. And it's like somebody being like-

• 1:18:06Sam Morril?

  Oh my god, my mom does that too.

• 1:18:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:08Sam Morril?

  My mom's like, I read this awful review. And I'm like, I never would have seen this.

• 1:18:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:12Speaker 03

  No, I don't need any, anything like that because I don't, yeah, I don't want to know. If I have cancer, don't want to know. If somebody cheats on me, don't want to know.

• 1:18:18Sam Morril?

  I want to know about the cancer.

• 1:18:19Speaker 03

  I want to be kept in the dark.

• 1:18:20Sam Morril?

  The cancer, you should know about, oh, not if it's terminal.

• 1:18:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:24Sam Morril?

  If it's like, treatable, I'd like to know.

• 1:18:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I want to know that.

• 1:18:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:28Speaker 03

  But yeah, if somebody cheats on me, I'm like, keep me in the dark. But yeah, I don't want to know what people think. I had one woman try to fight me on a stage because I-

• 1:18:34Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:18:35Speaker 03

  Yeah. But they got her. I mean, because I was like, do you have a weird relationship with your dad? And she got weird. And I was like, don't get weird. I was like, did he, did you fuck him? Did you guys fuck? And she like stormed off and was sobbing in a bathroom. And then I just like went in all about her. I was like, this is all just a move to get this guy to go in there after her. And he was like, it's true, it's true.

• 1:18:53Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:18:54Speaker 03

  And then she came out of the bathroom and I realized she heard everything because there was a speaker going in there. And she tried to storm on stage. That was in Appleton.

• 1:19:03Sam Morril?

  Interesting town.

• 1:19:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:04Mark Normand?

  Wisconsin.

• 1:19:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Wow, that's crazy.

• 1:19:07Sam Morril?

  I've been there, yeah. It's, it's kind of, it's kind of a cute city, but it's definitely, uh, off the beaten path. Like, that's one of those, like, some of these connect flight cities, I'm like, fuck.

• 1:19:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Those in Spokane or whatever.

• 1:19:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:20Mark Normand?

  Well, that's not a bad club, but-

• 1:19:21Sam Morril?

  That's a good club.

• 1:19:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but sometimes, you know, when you're connecting, you're like, this could be tough.

• 1:19:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and I was a little, we get in that little plane to connect. They're like, this is the, this is the bullshit express.

• 1:19:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right.

• 1:19:31Speaker 03

  The turbulence is crazy.

• 1:19:32Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:19:33Speaker 03

  Dude, I'm getting, I never was scared of turbulence, and now I'm scared of it.

• 1:19:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:37Speaker 03

  I never cared. I was ready to die.

• 1:19:38Mark Normand?

  Have you been on a private jet yet?

• 1:19:40Speaker 03

  Too much turbulence. I don't like it.

• 1:19:42Mark Normand?

  That is real turbulence, where you're like, whoa, whoa.

• 1:19:44Speaker 03

  And you have caramel. Like, I've been on a plane with like, you know, it's, when I'm on a private jet, it's like with Louis or something.

• 1:19:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:50Speaker 03

  And I'm like, if you're so rich that you're taking a private jet, if God is going to smite either the, the commercial jet full of children or Louis C.K. and me, it's going to choose us. Like, we are going down.

• 1:20:01Mark Normand?

  Have you seen him wig out? He hates, he's like, woo, woo, woo. You're like, hey, man, come on, I look up to you. Keep it together. What are you doing?

• 1:20:10Sam Morril?

  It is funny to meet your heroes and be like, what the fuck was that?

• 1:20:13Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 1:20:14Speaker 03

  See that they're scared of bees? Yeah. Like, no.

• 1:20:17Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:20:18Sam Morril?

  It is weird though, because you're also in the, the, the top point zero zero zero one percent if you're on a private jet in that moment.

• 1:20:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:26Sam Morril?

  And you're like, this sucks.

• 1:20:27Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 1:20:28Speaker 03

  Yeah. Why is it, there's so much around it, just because they're small?

• 1:20:30Sam Morril?

  It's smaller.

• 1:20:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the wind's throwing it around.

• 1:20:33Speaker 03

  It's so scary.

• 1:20:33Sam Morril?

  That's why those like, big New York to LA planes are kinda like, in a way, great. I mean, they're annoying.

• 1:20:38Speaker 03

  Those are the ones I like, yeah.

• 1:20:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but you're like, I feel better, I mean.

• 1:20:41Speaker 03

  I like when there are children around me, because I'm like, this is, we're okay. We're okay. I'm the least important person who dies on this, that's okay. You know what I mean?

• 1:20:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:50Speaker 03

  When I'm in a private jet, I'm like, dude.

• 1:20:52Mark Normand?

  Totally.

• 1:20:53Speaker 03

  We're going down.

• 1:20:54Mark Normand?

  First part of that was the same as Jared Fogle, but yeah.

• 1:20:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:58Sam Morril?

  I knew something was coming.

• 1:20:59Speaker 03

  There are kids around me, I feel good.

• 1:21:01Mark Normand?

  I almost used a comedian, but I turned it around to another guy.

• 1:21:05Sam Morril?

  Spacey's taken a lot of strays in the last few weeks. I like to mix it around here.

• 1:21:09Mark Normand?

  We'd love to have you on, Kev.

• 1:21:11Sam Morril?

  It's also good to have a woman. We haven't had a woman on this show forever.

• 1:21:13Mark Normand?

  Wow, this is, yeah.

• 1:21:16Sam Morril?

  Well, this is, we're easing back into women.

• 1:21:19Speaker 03

  I was like, is she here?

• 1:21:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, has Rosebud here? What happened?

• 1:21:23Sam Morril?

  That might be our last woman.

• 1:21:24Mark Normand?

  You got a title for the thing? Special?

• 1:21:27Speaker 03

  I think it's gonna be called Take Me With You.

• 1:21:30Sam Morril?

  When is it out?

• 1:21:31Speaker 03

  Or Speedbag. I'm choosing between the two.

• 1:21:33Sam Morril?

  Wait, Take Me With You or Speedbag?

• 1:21:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:35Sam Morril?

  I don't know, I kinda like Take Me With You, that's kinda fun.

• 1:21:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's more titally, but Speedbag is, I think, a drugs, but you're probably talking about like the...

• 1:21:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:43Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:21:44Speaker 03

  Speedbag is what I described, the loose skin that was on my...

• 1:21:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, when you say that, that's kinda fun.

• 1:21:50Sam Morril?

  That's kinda fun.

• 1:21:50Speaker 03

  But Take Me With You was like...

• 1:21:51Sam Morril?

  When is it out?

• 1:21:52Speaker 03

  Just a little part where I say, when somebody breaks up with me, I'm like, yeah, get out of here, run. Take me with you.

• 1:21:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, got it, got it.

• 1:21:57Speaker 03

  And I was thinking about just having that in the beginning, and then having Take Me With You, and then going into it.

• 1:22:01Mark Normand?

  I like it. That sounds more like a title, Take Me With You. I can see that on Netflix. It's Netflix, right?

• 1:22:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:08Mark Normand?

  Ooh!

• 1:22:09Sam Morril?

  And is it out soon?

• 1:22:10Mark Normand?

  Congrats.

• 1:22:10Speaker 03

  It's hopefully September, we hope. If they do that, they might push it forever, right?

• 1:22:15Sam Morril?

  I don't know.

• 1:22:16Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 1:22:16Sam Morril?

  I don't know why.

• 1:22:17Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:22:18Mark Normand?

  But you gotta do all the promoting. They don't promote, those bloodsuckers.

• 1:22:21Speaker 03

  I gotta do a whole podcast thing?

• 1:22:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh yeah. Go out to LA, do Bobby and Santino and the other guy, whatever.

• 1:22:28Sam Morril?

  The other guy?

• 1:22:29Speaker 03

  And that's it, right? Just podcasts? There's no other secret?

• 1:22:31Mark Normand?

  I mean, you could go on Fox News and talk about stuff.

• 1:22:35Speaker 03

  Okay, but it's not like you have to like, do a, I don't have to hire a...

• 1:22:39Mark Normand?

  No, don't get the publicist. They'll rape you.

• 1:22:41Sam Morril?

  I do it, but I mean, I.

• 1:22:43Speaker 03

  Do they ever work though?

• 1:22:44Sam Morril?

  I mean, I'm always touring. Should they just do everything? I mean, it's just like, I'm always on the road. Should they just, you know?

• 1:22:49Mark Normand?

  Well, they'll be like, it'll be fourteen thou.

• 1:22:52Sam Morril?

  No, mine's not that bad.

• 1:22:53Mark Normand?

  We'll get you on, we might be drunk.

• 1:22:55Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, okay, okay.

• 1:22:57Mark Normand?

  Text somebody.

• 1:22:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:22:59Mark Normand?

  So be weary of that.

• 1:23:00Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:23:01Mark Normand?

  We'll get you on the Cellar Podcast.

• 1:23:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:23:03Mark Normand?

  Like, no one listens to that.

• 1:23:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:23:05Mark Normand?

  What are we doing? I don't want to talk about Gaza.

• 1:23:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:23:08Sam Morril?

  You wanna, you wanna, yeah, just do the pods and do whatever, you know? Do whatever. Sometimes I always feel like it's good to get outside of our bubble too.

• 1:23:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:16Sam Morril?

  I feel like every time, cause yeah, I do the same shit. I pay these people and then they're like, we got you on Two Bears. I'm like, I know them.

• 1:23:22Mark Normand?

  I know, I know. That's one thing Schultz went on Barry Weiss, Mecklen Kelly, Shay Shay. I'm like, oh wow, he really got out of the bubble.

• 1:23:31Speaker 03

  I was thinking about getting a stencil and spray painting it. Jordan Jensen, Netflix, all through Brooklyn and Manhattan.

• 1:23:37Mark Normand?

  Hey, old school.

• 1:23:38Speaker 03

  That'd be cool, right?

• 1:23:39Mark Normand?

  Grass roots.

• 1:23:40Speaker 03

  Nobody's done that.

• 1:23:41Mark Normand?

  That's true. That's true.

• 1:23:42Speaker 03

  It would be Jordan Jensen, Netflix, da, da, da, da, da. Cause you see those and you're like, who had the balls to do that? And I've always wanted a graffiti.

• 1:23:49Mark Normand?

  Well, you should pay a migrant to do that. That, don't do the publicist, do the migrant.

• 1:23:53Sam Morril?

  That's not bad.

• 1:23:54Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 1:23:55Mark Normand?

  Aha.

• 1:23:56Speaker 03

  That is good.

• 1:23:56Mark Normand?

  A dollar a day. Or a teen, or a teen.

• 1:24:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:01Mark Normand?

  Get an NYU kid or something.

• 1:24:03Speaker 03

  I saw a teen stealing the other day. Little, little, maybe like 11 year old black kid ran out with some, some, uh, what is it called that you put, wash clothes with that I don't use?

• 1:24:12Sam Morril?

  Detergent.

• 1:24:13Speaker 03

  Detergent, ran out with it.

• 1:24:15Sam Morril?

  That's rough that you didn't know that word.

• 1:24:16Speaker 03

  I know, I know. Ran out with it. I use Dr. Bronner's and ran out with it.

• 1:24:21Sam Morril?

  What is that other thing? Soap?

• 1:24:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:23Sam Morril?

  Soap?

• 1:24:24Mark Normand?

  In a tampon. Never use it. I go with an old rag.

• 1:24:27Speaker 03

  Dude, I'm out on tampons. Biggest decision of my life.

• 1:24:30Mark Normand?

  What? You pad chick?

• 1:24:31Speaker 03

  Dude, I've been against pads my entire life. Here's the deal. Tampons, disgusting. Witch's finger that absorbs blood and then sits in your pussy?

• 1:24:41Mark Normand?

  It is a crazy concept.

• 1:24:42Sam Morril?

  It's gross, but they taste good, but yeah.

• 1:24:44Mark Normand?

  You go wings or no?

• 1:24:46Speaker 03

  Wow, you are married. Yeah, I do like the.

• 1:24:49Sam Morril?

  I know nothing that's happening right now. Like what?

• 1:24:53Mark Normand?

  Red Bull, it gives you wings.

• 1:24:54Speaker 03

  Wings are great. The wings are good.

• 1:24:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:56Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:24:57Speaker 03

  Yep, I'm all about pads. Ladies, I know you're not watching this podcast, but go pad.

• 1:25:01Mark Normand?

  That was for like special needs women who can't.

• 1:25:03Speaker 03

  Dude, that's what I thought too. I'm almost thinking about going full, like, have you seen diapers for, for, they're like soft and.

• 1:25:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, boy, oh, boy, you're gonna cruise.

• 1:25:11Sam Morril?

  Diapers?

• 1:25:12Mark Normand?

  Senior citizen age.

• 1:25:14Speaker 03

  No, they have big diapers. I mean, the ones that your kid wears, I think, could stretch out nice and tight.

• 1:25:18Sam Morril?

  This is the slippery slope.

• 1:25:20Mark Normand?

  I like it. You're against banks, but you're down for Depends.

• 1:25:23Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:25:24Mark Normand?

  I, I was a bedwetter, so I wore those.

• 1:25:26Speaker 03

  Oh, really? A bedwetter?

• 1:25:28Mark Normand?

  Big time.

• 1:25:28Speaker 03

  At sleepovers, you ever do it?

• 1:25:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:25:31Speaker 03

  It sucks.

• 1:25:31Mark Normand?

  I would stay up all night like a, like a patrolman and then eventually conk out and fall asleep for two seconds. You're like, ah, I'm covered in piss.

• 1:25:37Speaker 03

  What is that? Is that a, is it a nightmare you have and you pee?

• 1:25:40Mark Normand?

  They say it's trauma. I had some weird, I had a weird childhood.

• 1:25:44Speaker 03

  Was sex stuff?

• 1:25:45Mark Normand?

  No, no, uh, break-ins and a bad home.

• 1:25:49Speaker 03

  Oh, break-ins will do it.

• 1:25:51Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:25:51Speaker 03

  Middle of the night fear?

• 1:25:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, like I, I remember being like an eight-year-old and I would hear people like breaking shit in the living room because I lived above the living room and I could hear it and you're like, there's a guy in my house.

• 1:26:00Speaker 03

  That's so scary.

• 1:26:01Mark Normand?

  It was terrifying, but you, you know, you would all eat dinner or breakfast the next morning. No one brought it up.

• 1:26:06Sam Morril?

  So, because you get a bad side effect to like an already bad thing.

• 1:26:09Mark Normand?

  Yes, good point.

• 1:26:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:26:11Mark Normand?

  I was just so, I think I was just so scared.

• 1:26:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah. That sucks.

• 1:26:16Mark Normand?

  Good times.

• 1:26:16Speaker 03

  I was scared at night. I would hallucinate all the time.

• 1:26:18Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:26:19Speaker 03

  Did you ever do that in the middle of the night?

• 1:26:20Sam Morril?

  What is, yeah, like what?

• 1:26:22Speaker 03

  Were you just like see shit? I would always see these things that I thought were fingers. Anytime I got a fever, I would see a finger poking out of all these places and my mom would come in. I'd be like, get the finger. And she, I'd be like, it's in your hair.

• 1:26:31Sam Morril?

  It's your dad?

• 1:26:32Speaker 03

  It was a cock. It was a cock because my dad would walk around naked. It took me forever to realize it.

• 1:26:37Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 1:26:39Speaker 03

  Because I was like, it's big finger. It's like a thick, big finger. And then as I.

• 1:26:43Sam Morril?

  You got your revenge by referring to his cock as a finger?

• 1:26:45Speaker 03

  Finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your finger out of here.

• 1:26:48Mark Normand?

  I'd see a guy like a, like a coat rack and you're like, is that a guy?

• 1:26:51Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, the coat racks.

• 1:26:52Mark Normand?

  But never had the dick finger dead.

• 1:26:54Speaker 03

  Isn't it, our brains would do crazy things.

• 1:26:56Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:26:57Speaker 03

  Coat on a chair.

• 1:26:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:58Speaker 03

  That's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

• 1:27:00Mark Normand?

  A hundred percent.

• 1:27:01Speaker 03

  Or like in wood, on wood paneling.

• 1:27:02Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, the face.

• 1:27:04Speaker 03

  So scary, so scary.

• 1:27:06Mark Normand?

  I have, still have home, home invasion up here, like I'm scared of spiders, or heights, or whatever. Home invasion is my, I got a real problem with that.

• 1:27:12Sam Morril?

  And you, and it happened to you in New York, too, which is like crazy.

• 1:27:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true, that's true.

• 1:27:16Speaker 03

  Oh, did somebody steal your?

• 1:27:17Sam Morril?

  He, when he was in the village, yeah, you left town.

• 1:27:19Mark Normand?

  Guy came in through the window on the fire escape, he climbed up the fire escape. I left my window open, I was on like the second floor, and uh, he wa, he was a crackhead, broke in, stepped across my bed, so you could see the footprints, and then.

• 1:27:32Speaker 03

  That's more horrifying.

• 1:27:33Mark Normand?

  Horrifying, and then I came home, and like a bunch of shit was turned over, but he found I had a drawer with all my good stuff in it. I didn't have a safe, I had a drawer.

• 1:27:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:27:42Mark Normand?

  Cause I had cash, drugs, brass knuckles, a knife, you know, all, all cool guy shit.

• 1:27:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:27:48Mark Normand?

  You know, a baseball card, it's a Playboy, a slingshot.

• 1:27:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:27:51Mark Normand?

  And, but I had like six grand in cash from seller spots. I would just throw it in there every night, and he took all of it.

• 1:27:57Speaker 03

  I know, I have mine distributed around.

• 1:27:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, good move.

• 1:28:01Speaker 03

  That's also why, part of the reason I got a dog, is because there was a fire escape that went right into my window like that.

• 1:28:07Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 1:28:07Speaker 03

  She's tiny, she barks at everything that she, ooh, she sounds big.

• 1:28:12Mark Normand?

  Well, you put some cash in those pads, and no one's going near that shit, I'll tell you that.

• 1:28:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, look at those, look at that diaper, come on.

• 1:28:19Mark Normand?

  Anyone else hard?

• 1:28:21Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 1:28:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, wow.

• 1:28:23Speaker 03

  It's just a big step in my life to get rid of the tampons.

• 1:28:26Mark Normand?

  I know, but you gotta pull a messy pad out of your panties?

• 1:28:29Speaker 03

  Go like this, rip it off, and then all of a sudden your underwear, it's like, it would, nothing ever.

• 1:28:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:28:33Speaker 03

  You toss it away, the, the, the tampon, you pull it out, there's blood hanging off of it.

• 1:28:38Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:28:39Speaker 03

  It's horrendous, sometimes it gets full, so you can just go, push it out like that, that sucks. Yeah, it's not good.

• 1:28:46Sam Morril?

  Being a woman's tough.

• 1:28:47Speaker 03

  It's quite, it's pretty, that's why, that's what my whole hour is about, is about how it's like weird that we have to do all this disgusting shit, and yet we have to be hot. Some women, not me.

• 1:28:56Mark Normand?

  Right, right, interesting.

• 1:28:58Speaker 03

  It is weird, it's weird that your wife like ripped open and pushed a child out, and it's now hot again.

• 1:29:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she looks good.

• 1:29:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's nuts.

• 1:29:06Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:29:06Speaker 03

  How's that happen?

• 1:29:07Sam Morril?

  What'd she do, she go into the gym and stuff a lot?

• 1:29:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she works out from home, but uh, you know, you shed a lot of it, just naturally, but.

• 1:29:13Speaker 03

  Did her ankles get scary?

• 1:29:14Mark Normand?

  No, no, she actually kinda killed it during pregnancy, she looked good the whole time. We'd have pregnant sex, um, you'd roll her over and. Get in there.

• 1:29:24Speaker 03

  That's all you need.

• 1:29:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:26Speaker 03

  This little mail slot.

• 1:29:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, sometimes you can feel the baby's hand on your, on your hand.

• 1:29:30Speaker 03

  That's nice.

• 1:29:31Sam Morril?

  Double teaming her.

• 1:29:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we're high fiving.

• 1:29:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:33Mark Normand?

  So, uh, but yeah, yeah, she's, you shed a lot of it and she's, she's active. She's always walking and moving around, so.

• 1:29:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:39Mark Normand?

  It sheds.

• 1:29:40Speaker 03

  How is being, is it crazy?

• 1:29:42Mark Normand?

  It's crazy. It's crazy. Cause you, you, you miss, you go on the road and you used to go on the road. You're like, look at this. I'm waking up at noon in a hotel and now I'm like, what's the baby doing?

• 1:29:51Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:29:51Mark Normand?

  Does he remember me?

• 1:29:52Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:29:53Mark Normand?

  I'm texting her like, hey, tell the baby I said hi. And she's like, it's a baby, you know, but I, you, I went to Europe and you're like, God, I gotta get back.

• 1:30:00Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:30:00Mark Normand?

  I miss the baby.

• 1:30:01Speaker 03

  So pro baby?

• 1:30:03Mark Normand?

  I, I was never a baby guy either. I've never held a baby and never changed a diaper until this guy.

• 1:30:07Sam Morril?

  But you figure it out.

• 1:30:08Mark Normand?

  You figure it out, big time. It kicks in, cause you have to.

• 1:30:12Speaker 03

  Is it annoying, the crying?

• 1:30:14Mark Normand?

  It is, but you, you kind of learn what the baby likes and what he doesn't like, so the crying goes down.

• 1:30:19Sam Morril?

  And he's used to it with her, so you know.

• 1:30:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:30:22Speaker 03

  And did it bring you guys up closer or further?

• 1:30:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, definitely closer.

• 1:30:26Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:30:26Mark Normand?

  Cause you're a team now. It's two against one.

• 1:30:28Speaker 03

  Oh, cool. Do you want kids?

• 1:30:31Sam Morril?

  I think I, I would someday, yeah.

• 1:30:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, we've talked about this.

• 1:30:33Sam Morril?

  I'm getting older.

• 1:30:34Speaker 03

  Fucking Krista Stefano's kid made me want a kid.

• 1:30:37Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:30:37Speaker 03

  When I went on that trip.

• 1:30:38Sam Morril?

  You fucking the kid made you want a kid?

• 1:30:39Speaker 03

  Me fucking the kid, why I want a kid, yeah. I could have a kid to fuck all the time. It was mine.

• 1:30:45Mark Normand?

  A lot of it was me.

• 1:30:45Speaker 03

  That I owned illegally.

• 1:30:47Mark Normand?

  Wait, the, the girl?

• 1:30:48Sam Morril?

  Oh yeah, we were hanging out, yeah.

• 1:30:50Mark Normand?

  She's funny. She's really funny.

• 1:30:51Speaker 03

  Dude, at one point, we're all going like this, cause she had to stay outside. And we're like, all trying to figure out how to go up so that somebody's babysitting her at all time. And we're doing like Rubik's cube math. We're like, Sam goes up, then Jordan takes over.

• 1:31:04Sam Morril?

  Oh my God, that was a crazy day.

• 1:31:06Speaker 03

  Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. And we're like, quiet, you're a child. And then finally she goes, the person who goes up first will go up and then come back out and watch me the whole time. We were like, yeah.

• 1:31:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:31:16Speaker 03

  It was something like that.

• 1:31:17Mark Normand?

  That's adorable.

• 1:31:17Sam Morril?

  That was in Hammond, Indiana, the casino, you, me and Chris. That was hilarious.

• 1:31:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow. I was picturing the cellar in my head. This is at Hammond.

• 1:31:25Sam Morril?

  No, they wouldn't let a kid in the casino.

• 1:31:27Mark Normand?

  Ah!

• 1:31:28Sam Morril?

  So we were like, okay, so Jordan and I were like, we're like, we'll, we'll stay outside and watch the kid. And they were like, the kid can't come in. I'm like, but we're performing. They're like, state rules can't be in. And we're like, but surely there's. Oh, yeah. He had a big, he had a big thing on his face.

• 1:31:43Speaker 03

  Why can we not bring the kid, but you can bring?

• 1:31:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's, that's way more offensive than a child.

• 1:31:47Mark Normand?

  A bull or a goiter? What are we talking here?

• 1:31:50Sam Morril?

  It was fucking insane.

• 1:31:51Speaker 03

  It was a big ass goiter.

• 1:31:52Mark Normand?

  Yikes.

• 1:31:52Sam Morril?

  If I had hooked him, that would have exploded. We could have made a run for it, but. No, it was crazy. And he was, he was like, he was one of those like real like I'm in charge type guys. We're like, we're just trying to not.

• 1:32:04Speaker 03

  You were being so cool, though.

• 1:32:05Sam Morril?

  I was?

• 1:32:06Speaker 03

  I get so mad. Yeah, you were being so diplomatic. I get so mad. I'm like, what the? I get very Italian very quick. Or I just want to fist fight. And you're like, okay, we'll figure it out.

• 1:32:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we're just trying to keep the kid calm, you know?

• 1:32:17Speaker 03

  I try and get in a physical fight constant. I fight with people all the time.

• 1:32:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah, when's the last time you threw, you threw hands?

• 1:32:23Speaker 03

  At the airport.

• 1:32:24Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:32:25Speaker 03

  At the airport.

• 1:32:26Mark Normand?

  You're that guy? You're the airport fight guy?

• 1:32:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, outside. I tried to fight a guy recently where I said, let's go outside and talk about this. And Jake like grabbed me and was like, don't, I'll have to fight. And I was like, okay, fine.

• 1:32:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true. Jake's four foot three.

• 1:32:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, man, you're fighting men?

• 1:32:43Speaker 03

  I, yeah, if I have to. This guy I fought, the one guy I fought, they don't fight back.

• 1:32:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:32:48Speaker 03

  You just end up, I just smushed him against a car and was screaming at him and saying that he fucks kids, which is crazy.

• 1:32:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's funny.

• 1:32:55Speaker 03

  Because he hit my dog with his bag on purpose.

• 1:32:57Mark Normand?

  What purpose?

• 1:32:58Speaker 03

  Dude, I flipped out.

• 1:32:59Sam Morril?

  Was it definitely on purpose?

• 1:33:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, he goes, excuse me. And then I go, I said, excuse me for you. He goes, excuse me. And then I go, surely he's not talking to me. There's so much room. That's crazy. And then he goes, I said, excuse me, and hit her.

• 1:33:10Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 1:33:10Speaker 03

  And she was like, oh, you know, and she's the cutest angel in love of my life. And so then I ran after him. And he goes, I said, excuse me. And I was like, you fucking, I was like, you're a sociopath.

• 1:33:19Sam Morril?

  Oh, you're in the right.

• 1:33:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, there was a group of black girls there. That was sick. Cause they were cheering me on.

• 1:33:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, nice. That's big.

• 1:33:27Speaker 03

  And I was like, sociopaths, what else do you do? You fuck kids? And then I went, hey, everybody, this guy fucks kids. And he was like, what are you doing? I don't know, I'm getting carried away, man.

• 1:33:36Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:33:37Mark Normand?

  That's my worst nightmare at an airport, everyone yelled at.

• 1:33:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I don't want to get busted either.

• 1:33:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get so pissed.

• 1:33:46Sam Morril?

  But.

• 1:33:46Speaker 03

  It's just justice. It's like if something happens that

• 1:33:48Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:33:49Speaker 03

  Nobody, you know what I mean?

• 1:33:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and nothing better than a group of black girls on your side.

• 1:33:53Speaker 03

  Oh, it was the best, all waiting for the bus, because it was outside at the Uber stand.

• 1:33:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:34:00Speaker 03

  It was good.

• 1:34:01Mark Normand?

  Damn, well, hey, check out the special.

• 1:34:03Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:34:03Mark Normand?

  I wish it was me? No, take me with you.

• 1:34:06Speaker 03

  Take me with you.

• 1:34:06Mark Normand?

  Or speedbag.

• 1:34:07Sam Morril?

  Let's get some tour dates going here. Who's this for here?

• 1:34:09Speaker 03

  Have you guys been here? Mark Ridley's?

• 1:34:11Sam Morril?

  Oh, it's Great Room, classic, yeah.

• 1:34:13Speaker 03

  I did not expect that.

• 1:34:13Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah, old school. You know what I love about that club? It's in Royal Oak, Michigan. You'll be there, Jordan will be there, June 12th through the, uh, through the 14th. It's got like every old headshot. So I love, I love clubs that like, you're like, you're walking by like Gary Shanley.

• 1:34:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:34:27Sam Morril?

  I'm Jon Stewart, I love shit.

• 1:34:29Mark Normand?

  A lot of history.

• 1:34:30Sam Morril?

  You'll be in DC the following weekend, June 20th through 22nd, then Denver at Comedy Works, great club.

• 1:34:39Speaker 03

  Great club.

• 1:34:40Sam Morril?

  Dallas, Texas. Oh, you're hitting the road hard in the summer too, July, Dallas in July, lovely time to go to Texas.

• 1:34:45Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:34:46Sam Morril?

  Then Austin. The first through the third, you'll be at the mothership, that's cool. And then, oh, Matt, you're just doing like the best clubs ever here, Comedy on State.

• 1:34:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:34:56Speaker 03

  See when it's in the summer.

• 1:34:57Mark Normand?

  These are great.

• 1:34:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:34:58Mark Normand?

  Spokane is fun, watch out for the candy. Improv's a great room.

• 1:35:02Sam Morril?

  These are all great clubs.

• 1:35:03Mark Normand?

  It's big, so watch out.

• 1:35:04Sam Morril?

  Oh, I love Rochester. I'm going, I'm going there that month too. I love Rochester.

• 1:35:08Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:35:08Speaker 03

  That's near home, so I'll just go.

• 1:35:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, the darkness.

• 1:35:11Sam Morril?

  And then Houston, you're hitting the road hard. Greenville, South Carolina, this is gonna be, this is gonna be a fun little ride. And then you're hitting Europe, look at that.

• 1:35:18Mark Normand?

  Woo!

• 1:35:19Sam Morril?

  In the fall, go see Jordan all over Europe, London, Amsterdam, Oslo. I'll give you a little, some tips for these places, because I just did it too. Paris, Berlin, Nashville, then back to Nashville. You're hitting it hard.

• 1:35:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:35:31Sam Morril?

  Go see Jordan Jensen on the road, punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. This is me, Red Bank, New Jersey, the Count Basie.

• 1:35:38Mark Normand?

  Great room.

• 1:35:39Sam Morril?

  July 12th, the Wilbur. What day is that? August 7th. I'll be at Boston, the Wilbur. Irvine Improv, August 22nd through 24th. Then we got Oklahoma City the following weekend. That's a fun one, too. The Venetian in Vegas, September 19th. Rochester as well. I'll be there, the Carlson. The 25th through the 27th. Then we got Chicago Theater, October 4th, one of my favorite rooms.

• 1:36:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:36:05Sam Morril?

  Next night, Winnipeg, as I said. Going back to Utah, November 14th through 16th, the Salt Lake City. Wise guys. And then Carnegie Hall, New York City, December 4th. Buy tickets, please. I hope to see you there.

• 1:36:15Mark Normand?

  What a run. What a run.

• 1:36:17Sam Morril?

  Marcus, what do you got?

• 1:36:18Mark Normand?

  I'm at the Egg. Speaking of upstate.

• 1:36:20Sam Morril?

  One of the best. Great room.

• 1:36:22Mark Normand?

  Burlington, Vermont, Wausau, Wisconsin, whatever that is. Green Bay, that'll be a connecting flight. Eugene, Oregon, at the McDonald Theater. San Jose, Hyannis, Mass, and the Melody Tent. Come on out to that, Bean Town and connecting areas. Then I'm at the Grand Cedar Showroom at Foxwoods in Connecticut. Ben Salem at the Parks Casino. Then we're going Australia, New Zealand, folks. Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth. And then I'm off in the Hamptons for a night, bringing the wife and the baby. We'll hit the water. Then I'm going to Alberta with Adam Ray, doing the Outdoor Festival. Vegas, Dallas, nine shows, sold out.

• 1:37:00Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:37:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, back in the clubs. I'm running an hour, or doing a special shoot in October, November, so I'm just running it. Then Akron, Dayton, Canada, anal, queef, semen. We'll see you in hell. Thanks a lot, folks. Jordan.

• 1:37:16Sam Morril?

  Look out for Jordan's special, coming hopefully Netflix in September and...

• 1:37:20Mark Normand?

  And being Ian.

• 1:37:20Sam Morril?

  And being Ian.

• 1:37:21Speaker 03

  And RIP Jordan Jensen.

• 1:37:22Sam Morril?

  And RIP Jordan Jensen.

• 1:37:24Speaker 03

  What podcast I have here?

• 1:37:25Mark Normand?

  Huh?

• 1:37:26Speaker 03

  I have a solo.

• 1:37:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, oh, great. Oh, boy, you're busy.

• 1:37:29Speaker 03

  I'm very busy. I have to go to sleep.

• 1:37:31Sam Morril?

  All right.

• 1:37:31Mark Normand?

  Yes, thank you.

• 1:37:34Speaker 04

  Sunday's the day for my next fender. A bit of Pivo Rec, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like the cops are coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.

• 1:38:20Speaker 05

  Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 1:38:32Speaker 02

  Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.