Ep 219: Nick Swardson

Nick Swardson joins on this new episode, he was gracious enough to take the trip up the 16th flights of stairs at the studio. We also get a short pop-in from Ari Shaffir at the end of the episode. Check out Nick on tour and stream Ari's new special on Netflix "America's Sweetheart" Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Nick Swardson: http://nickswardson.net Ari Shaffir: https://www.arishaffir.com Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcastomedy Tour Dates Announcement Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  Let me know when we start.

• 0:06Sam Morril?

  I've already started.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  Oh, you did? Oh, okay.

• 0:08Mark Normand?

  Hey, hey.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Hi.

• 0:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so you walked up 16 flights to be here?

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:14Mark Normand?

  Claustrophobia?

• 0:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's claustrophobia.

• 0:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, really claustrophobic.

• 0:20Mark Normand?

  Keeps you thin.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  It does. I'm really, really thin.

• 0:24Mark Normand?

  16 floors, folks.

• 0:25Speaker 00

  16 floors.

• 0:26Sam Morril?

  This must be a problem for you. I didn't know that.

• 0:29Speaker 00

  It's an issue. It's the biggest issue in New York.

• 0:32Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 0:33Speaker 00

  That's like the big... Everywhere else is easily accommodating, but like, the buildings, the people are really weird about stairwells and like, like the guy, when I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna take the stairs," and he's like, "16 flights?" And I'm like, "Yeah," and he goes, "Okay, do you want, you want to just take the elevator?" And I go, "Oh, no, that's the point. I just don't take elevators. I'm really claustrophobic." He's like, "Okay." And then, "So, you wanna get let in the stairwell, and then how, and you're gonna go up?" It was like, literally, people look at me like it's just, I'm an insane person, which it is insane to walk 16 flights.

• 1:08Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  But I mean, like, the people can never wrap their head around it. They're just like, "Why don't you just take the elevator?"

• 1:14Sam Morril?

  Is this an issue?

• 1:15Speaker 00

  It's like, "Okay, why don't you just not do heroin?"

• 1:17Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:19Sam Morril?

  Is this hard in hotels on the road?

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I usually, you know, I'll call ahead. I'll make sure. You know what I mean? I'll stay at basic hotels. I don't care.

• 1:29Mark Normand?

  Damn, but does this hurt your career? Like, what if you're the Netflix building?

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's really held it back. I was up for all the avatars, and the last thing was you had to take an underwater elevator.

• 1:43Sam Morril?

  Mission Impossible 6, dude, he was taking over for Tom Cruise.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. Philadelphia.

• 1:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  I had to get on the AIDS elevator. Nope.

• 1:52Sam Morril?

  Damn it.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Damn it.

• 1:53Mark Normand?

  Galifianakis has a similar thing.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  He does?

• 1:56Mark Normand?

  I don't think he can... I remember in Kings of Comedy, or whatever that was called. Was it called?

• 1:59Sam Morril?

  Comedians on comedy.

• 2:00Mark Normand?

  He's white, but he took, he wouldn't take the elevator.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  I didn't know that. I know Zach really well.

• 2:06Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 2:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you have a new story about him in your, in your hour. It's hilarious.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I've got a lot of Zach stories. One, um, there's one I didn't tell, but, um, so Zach and I used to live in New York back in the late nineties. And we would do this thing, when we would, we couldn't afford to go home for Christmas. We'd be stuck here for Christmas. And we would walk around and, you know, we're in our like, early twenties. And just unassuming, just dorky guys. And we would walk down the street and we would point to a guy. And it would have to be one of the most intimidating, just like thuggy, mobster, just anybody that just looked like intimidating. And we would be like, okay, you gotta go do it to that guy. And so then we would, me or Zach, whatever, would walk up to this person.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  And in the thickest, like, Italian accent, walk up to him and go, hey, how you doing? You have a good Christmas, okay? You have a good Christmas. We'd shake their hand. And they would be so disarmed because it was so weird. And they'd be like, yeah, okay, you too.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Just, it didn't matter who it was, like, that guy, you gotta get that guy.

• 3:10Mark Normand?

  That's fun stuff.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was debauchery, just pure debauchery.

• 3:15Mark Normand?

  Well, they said in the old days, uh, Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton would dress up like hobos and see who'd get more money. That was their day.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  That's fucking insane.

• 3:23Sam Morril?

  I thought they hated each other, though.

• 3:24Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  No, they didn't. They did that final movie Limelight together.

• 3:28Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 3:28Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:30Mark Normand?

  There you go, but.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  I'm a big Chaplin fan, huge.

• 3:33Mark Normand?

  I'm a big Keaton fan.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Are you really?

• 3:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  I always debate that with people.

• 3:37Mark Normand?

  They're both great.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  They're both great.

• 3:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  They're both great, but Chaplin.

• 3:41Sam Morril?

  The stunts are insane. Didn't Keaton break his neck on a stunt?

• 3:44Mark Normand?

  Yes, he did.

• 3:45Speaker 00

  Which one was it? Do you remember?

• 3:47Mark Normand?

  I think it was something with the train where he hit like a bar, it was a bar over the train and he hit it and he broke his back. He fell backwards.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, his technical stunts were insane. Chaplin, I just think, was a bad, like, a better comedian, just.

• 3:59Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Physically and just, he was just hilarious. He is one of my favorite, I was gonna bring this up because you were talking about movies earlier, Sam. One of my favorite movies, uh, which is a deep cut on Chaplin, is called The Circus. And it's one of his feature-length films. And he does a bit where he's on a tightrope. And they just unleash like these spider monkeys on him.

• 4:20Mark Normand?

  What?

• 4:20Speaker 00

  And so he's on this tightrope. And he's got these monkeys and you know, they have no idea what the monkeys are gonna do.

• 4:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:26Speaker 00

  So they're crawling all over him and like biting his nose.

• 4:28Mark Normand?

  What?

• 4:29Speaker 00

  And he's in character and he's so committed and he's also on a fucking tightrope.

• 4:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  And so, but he's got these monkeys.

• 4:35Mark Normand?

  Holy shit. And Jimmy Fallon can't get through a scene without breaking. Come on.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  Dude, this is.

• 4:41Mark Normand?

  Like you can see the wire.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  That like, that's easy.

• 4:47Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  I mean, obviously, I'm sure that's.

• 4:54Mark Normand?

  Oh shit.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  Uh oh, monkeys. Oh no. Oh no.

• 5:00Mark Normand?

  What a premise. This is like a squid game more than a comedy movie.

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, so there's just no idea what these monkeys.

• 5:09Mark Normand?

  What the fuck? Oh my god.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  It's my favorite fucking thing.

• 5:15Mark Normand?

  What a badass.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:18Mark Normand?

  How scary that would be?

• 5:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, you have no idea.

• 5:23Mark Normand?

  This is pre the monkey ripping the lady's face off in the 90s.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:27Sam Morril?

  Did you watch that doc?

• 5:28Mark Normand?

  No, I couldn't do it.

• 5:29Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 5:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, they're gonna bite his dick, aren't they?

• 5:32Speaker 00

  They eat him out.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, but how amazing is that?

• 5:38Mark Normand?

  Wow, that's crazy.

• 5:41Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, Keaton can't fucking do that.

• 5:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, come on.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Fuck him, man.

• 5:45Mark Normand?

  Keaton's the man.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  No, he's, he's great.

• 5:47Mark Normand?

  He's funnier though, but Keaton's more, maybe more impressive physically.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  He's stunt wise, yeah, the technical stunts, yes.

• 5:54Sam Morril?

  Rec, by the way, from this era, Dana Gould turned me on to a great book called Frame Up about Fatty Arbuckle. It's insane.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Oh wow, really?

• 6:01Sam Morril?

  It's incredible.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  Oh, I wanna, yeah, I'd love to read that.

• 6:05Sam Morril?

  It's so cool.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  I know Chris Farley really wanted to play Fatty Arbuckle in a biopic.

• 6:09Sam Morril?

  It would have been so cool.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was like obsessed with it. He really wanted that to be like a turning point for him.

• 6:14Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 6:15Speaker 00

  So, that would have been really badass.

• 6:17Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  But the monkey thing you were talking about, so I remember, I was gonna do a bit about it, but there was, there was another monkey story.

• 6:24Mark Normand?

  That's the one.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  About, um, that's the one where he broke his neck.

• 6:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, hold on. And spray, spray.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, I remember that, the water pressure.

• 6:34Mark Normand?

  Falling on the train tracks, by the way.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:36Mark Normand?

  That's gotta hurt.

• 6:37Sam Morril?

  He just broke his neck and he, yeah.

• 6:38Mark Normand?

  And he got right up. What an animal. No workers comp, no benefits.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 6:45Mark Normand?

  Alright, sorry.

• 6:46Speaker 00

  No, that's fine, Mark, it's fine.

• 6:48Mark Normand?

  Monkey?

• 6:49Speaker 00

  Monkey.

• 6:49Mark Normand?

  Jizz?

• 6:50Speaker 00

  No, so there was a...

• 6:52Mark Normand?

  AIDS? Oh, I'm sorry.

• 6:53Sam Morril?

  I heard it.

• 6:54Mark Normand?

  I got jizz on the brain.

• 6:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's alright.

• 6:55Speaker 00

  AIDS jizz on the brain.

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, there was a story that I was obsessed with about a guy, it was a couple that had a monkey, and I guess it was in a kennel, I'm loosely paraphrasing, but I guess they went and brought the monkey a birthday cake. It was the monkey's birthday. And they brought the monkey a birthday cake, and this is what was told. Another monkey, they said, got jealous that the other monkey got a birthday cake.

• 7:20Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 7:21Speaker 00

  And then attacked the guy holding the cake, and then did what monkeys do instinctively. Ripped off his genitals, bit off his fingers and his nose. I guess that's their go-to...

• 7:32Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Their go-to thing.

• 7:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  So, yeah, so like, that's what he did to this guy, and it's all because he brought the monkey a birthday cake, which...

• 7:41Mark Normand?

  Wow!

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've got, I don't know, I don't, there's so many layers to that of like, I don't know why you would bring a monkey a birthday cake.

• 7:47Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  Is the monkey, the other monkey really jealous? I don't know how they know that.

• 7:50Mark Normand?

  And you'd think he'd attack the other monkey, not the guy who brought the cake.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:54Sam Morril?

  Well, the monkey didn't do anything, it was just his birthday.

• 7:56Mark Normand?

  I guess so.

• 7:57Sam Morril?

  The guy who did the thing, you know?

• 7:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  It's also fire, so the monkey's gonna panic about that.

• 8:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, right, fire.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  But here's the thing the monkey did, he blew out the candles and made a wish.

• 8:07Mark Normand?

  No way!

• 8:08Speaker 00

  Shitting. That's how they knew.

• 8:11Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  They found the wish, and the wish was the fucking eat-a-nose-and-dick sandwich.

• 8:15Mark Normand?

  There was a lot more monkey comedy, I think that's gone by the wayside, I mean with PETA, we had like, uh, Clint Eastwood.

• 8:21Sam Morril?

  There was that movie with Alan Cumming, and he, and then that, that's what the doc is about, the woman took that monkey and kidnapped that monkey.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  What?

• 8:28Sam Morril?

  The monkey's like getting old, Alan Cumming was like part of trying to find this monkey, cause he bonded with the monkey.

• 8:34Mark Normand?

  What?

• 8:34Sam Morril?

  It's crazy, it's a crazy story.

• 8:36Mark Normand?

  I just thought he was gay.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  There's a whole doc.

• 8:39Mark Normand?

  I know, he's into that.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  There's a whole doc about it?

• 8:40Sam Morril?

  Uh, it's cra- what's it called, it's monkey something, it's on, it's on Max.

• 8:45Mark Normand?

  Chimp Empire.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:47Sam Morril?

  Chimp crazy.

• 8:48Mark Normand?

  It's like the Tiger King for monkeys.

• 8:50Sam Morril?

  You're gonna hate this woman. She's insane.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  I already do. I don't even need to watch it.

• 8:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 8:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:55Speaker 00

  What, like, what, what's?

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Same guy who did Tiger King.

• 8:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, there you go.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  He's really branching out.

• 9:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  This guy's fun and niche.

• 9:03Mark Normand?

  Blonde, white, trash people love animals.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  Then hamster haywire. It's getting crazy, gerbil NATO. Gerbil NATO.

• 9:12Mark Normand?

  Starring Gerbil NATO with Richard Gere.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  Too soon, man. God, Mark, you really jumped on that one.

• 9:20Mark Normand?

  1988.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Fuck, you're not afraid.

• 9:23Mark Normand?

  By the way, his career's never been the same. That really hurt his career, I think.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  I don't think that's true, Mark.

• 9:27Sam Morril?

  I think he's doing alright.

• 9:28Mark Normand?

  I don't know. Name me one Richard Gere movie in the last 10 years.

• 9:31Sam Morril?

  I think the gerbil thing was out there for a while, though.

• 9:33Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  Well, clearly it still is.

• 9:35Mark Normand?

  I'm telling you, you guys-

• 9:36Speaker 00

  It's on Mark's brain 24/7.

• 9:39Mark Normand?

  You all got the reference?

• 9:40Sam Morril?

  We did.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, we did. Immediately.

• 9:43Mark Normand?

  Who the hell started that?

• 9:44Sam Morril?

  That guy can't just walk into a Petco and look at-

• 9:46Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 9:47Sam Morril?

  You can't.

• 9:48Mark Normand?

  No. Nothing.

• 9:49Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  If I were him, I would do that. I would just double down, triple down. I would be like one of those Pied Pipers, like, covered in gerbils, just constantly. Just rubbing them people's faces.

• 10:00Mark Normand?

  And just cut a hole in your pants, just to, just to trick people.

• 10:04Sam Morril?

  You know what he said? He's moving to Spain. Maybe-

• 10:06Mark Normand?

  Ah, that's gerbil country.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  They don't know about, they don't know about Spain.

• 10:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. It's like Woody Allen going to London.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  Look at the auto fill. I just type Richard Gere spacebar, and then the first thing-

• 10:16Mark Normand?

  First! First! Thank you!

• 10:18Speaker 00

  You know his wife is jealous.

• 10:20Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah. The gerbils before me?

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Her wife in her, in her gerbil suit? Just-

• 10:27Mark Normand?

  Look at that.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  Giant tube. Good God.

• 10:31Mark Normand?

  I've looked into this. I think you have to declaw them, if you're gonna do that.

• 10:34Sam Morril?

  The gerbils?

• 10:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, because they'll just tear you up from the inside.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  I don't think you have to look into that to figure that out.

• 10:39Mark Normand?

  Wow, I've been, an amateur would just get a gerbil and he'd be done with it.

• 10:43Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 10:43Speaker 00

  Damn amateurs.

• 10:44Mark Normand?

  A pro.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  That's a sad Reddit thread. You, you looked up- Good God.

• 10:49Sam Morril?

  The gerbil people.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  Who was, wants any part of anal claws?

• 10:53Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. I like that. Hard. Now I'm hard. Now I'm hard. Oh my god.

• 11:00Mark Normand?

  Gerbil. Yeah.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  So yeah, elevators I fucking hate.

• 11:03Sam Morril?

  That's crazy. Has anyone ever been like, not understood it, been like, what the fuck?

• 11:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, nonstop.

• 11:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  It's like, it's amazing. I don't understand why they have a stop button on an elevator. Do you know why? I don't know why. I'm actually asking that.

• 11:16Mark Normand?

  We got the Google box.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Why the fuck, why would you wanna stop in elevator?

• 11:20Mark Normand?

  Maybe a birth?

• 11:22Sam Morril?

  I feel like they only use-

• 11:23Speaker 00

  No, I think you'd wanna expedite that.

• 11:24Mark Normand?

  That's a good point.

• 11:25Sam Morril?

  It's always in like, in like a movie, like, uh, speed or heat or something.

• 11:29Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 11:29Sam Morril?

  They're like, we gotta get out early, you know, something like that.

• 11:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, the cops need it.

• 11:33Sam Morril?

  I feel like it's only used for-

• 11:34Speaker 00

  For illegal things, yeah. Like, we gotta circumvent the, the law.

• 11:40Mark Normand?

  Halt the elevator in case of a critical situation, allowing passengers to exit safely. But why wouldn't you exit safely on the floor?

• 11:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, why wouldn't you wanna get out? Wait, you know, this is a true story that happened to me. Um, so, really, really high-end hotels, um, which I don't stay at, I like staying at like Marriott's.

• 11:56Mark Normand?

  Me too.

• 11:57Speaker 00

  But, um, really high-end hotels, they're, they're fucking impossible stairs. They're like all locked down, it's super difficult. So I was filming a movie in Boston, and they put me up at the Ritz Hotel.

• 12:08Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  And I was like, I don't need that. I go, I can just stay at, you know, the Marriott. And they're like, no, no, no. And I'm like, okay, all right, fine. So I acquiesced.

• 12:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  But we stayed there, and my friend Jay Galvin was with me, and we had to take the elevator, and we're going down from my floor, and all of a sudden he just goes, yep, and stops.

• 12:27Mark Normand?

  Oh god.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  And with, and I'm not embellishing this, on a fucking dime, he goes, dude, don't freak, freak out. I grabbed the doors, and I fucking ripped them open, and I'm not joking. And it was halfway to the lobby, and I'm screaming, it was like out of a Keanu Reeves movie. I'm like, jump, jump! And Jay's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, jump! Now! And he fucking dive-rolled into the lobby.

• 12:52Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  And then I dive-rolled into the lobby, and I was like shaking, and he was like, what the fuck just happened? And I'm like, I have no idea. I have no idea what happened.

• 13:02Mark Normand?

  You got like mom-

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was like surreal when you hear stories like that. It really happened to me.

• 13:07Sam Morril?

  It happened once in a Tacoma. You would have freaked out. I was with my buddy Gary Vider in a Tacoma elevator and it's like 12 drunk people on the elevator. And they're like jumping up and down.

• 13:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, what is that?

• 13:19Sam Morril?

  And we're like, and Gary and I were like, what the fuck? And then the elevator got stuck and it was Gary and I ripped the fucking thing open and we're like yelling at these drunk. I did have a vision of like me, after you gave me your bags to take up in the elevator, I was like, fuck, something's gonna happen.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, I always think that when I do it, it's gonna happen. You know what I mean?

• 13:36Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  That's why I'm like, and your elevator doors are the ones that are like a tomb.

• 13:41Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  They just are like, gmm.

• 13:43Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  And then you're in there for life.

• 13:45Sam Morril?

  Are we looking at bad elevator things here?

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 13:48Mark Normand?

  How hard was it to pull them open?

• 13:50Speaker 00

  You wanna pull up my fucking dad dying? Jesus Christ.

• 13:54Sam Morril?

  Are you weird on flights or just elevators?

• 13:56Speaker 00

  I had a problem on flights. I had to get over it.

• 13:58Mark Normand?

  Well, that bathroom is tiny.

• 14:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:00Speaker 00

  Well, I was like, I've stopped flights before. I stopped a flight on a tarmac.

• 14:04Mark Normand?

  What?

• 14:05Speaker 00

  It was, yup, it was a commuter flight, flew into Minneapolis and I had to just pop over to Michigan to do a college. And I'm sitting there in the window seat and it was a tiny plane and this large man sits next to me and I'm kind of like against the window and I start hyperventilating and I just literally, I just go, stop! Stop, we're taxiing off the gate and I go, no! And the stewardess is like, what do you mean? And I go, off, I gotta get off. And she was like, are you sure? And I'm like, yup, I'm outta here. And they had to taxi back, the plane was livid and I felt really bad for the big dude next to me. Cause he just knew that it was him just like

• 14:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 14:45Speaker 00

  Gerbling me into the fucking, declawing me into the window.

• 14:49Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:51Mark Normand?

  But that's gotta suck to be so fat you trigger someone's phobia.

• 14:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, totally.

• 14:55Mark Normand?

  That's a bummer.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, poor guy.

• 14:57Mark Normand?

  Man.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  He's probably dead.

• 14:58Mark Normand?

  I wanna try pulling the doors open. How hard is that?

• 15:01Sam Morril?

  It's not that hard.

• 15:02Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Well, I think the fear has to, that's the impetus to really.

• 15:07Mark Normand?

  I wonder if the gerbil did that with the asshole?

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:10Sam Morril?

  Dove out? Pretty sweet.

• 15:12Mark Normand?

  I would want to.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  That asshole's so tight.

• 15:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, you know it, because you gotta squeeze to keep him in. Because he's gonna be trying to burrow out of there, just survival instinct.

• 15:21Sam Morril?

  He's got all the PR. They were not able to squash that shit.

• 15:25Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 15:26Sam Morril?

  How do you not squash?

• 15:26Mark Normand?

  Well, it was pre-internet, so word of mouth, you can't squash.

• 15:29Sam Morril?

  I guess.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 15:30Sam Morril?

  The other one was Jamie Lee Curtis from Aphrodite.

• 15:32Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  That was another one.

• 15:34Mark Normand?

  And then there was Richard Gere drinking the cum.

• 15:37Sam Morril?

  No, I didn't hear that.

• 15:38Mark Normand?

  Rod Stewart, sorry. I'm obsessed with Gere.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  I'm fucking Gere.

• 15:43Sam Morril?

  This guy's really...

• 15:44Mark Normand?

  We'd love to have you on, Rich. Come on in, please.

• 15:46Sam Morril?

  Also, did Richard Gere fuck the baby at some point?

• 15:48Mark Normand?

  I heard that too.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  Mark's like, "Richard Gere orchestrated 9/11." Fucking insane, this guy is a troll.

• 15:54Mark Normand?

  He started the fires in LA.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Oh my god, Gere, dial it down a gear.

• 15:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 00

  Take it down a gear.

• 16:00Mark Normand?

  There we go.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  Richard.

• 16:02Mark Normand?

  I'm gearing up.

• 16:02Speaker 00

  You fucking dick.

• 16:04Mark Normand?

  Hey, is your house still alive?

• 16:05Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:06Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  Thank god. Yes, it's still alive.

• 16:09Mark Normand?

  Sorry, is your house un- unburned?

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it's okay, but a lot of people...

• 16:14Sam Morril?

  Have you been back since?

• 16:16Speaker 00

  No, I fly back tonight.

• 16:17Mark Normand?

  Woo, scary.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  Thanks.

• 16:20Mark Normand?

  Wow, just saying. Your house is there, so you're good.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just won't get on a fiery elevator. Good god. I can't, I don't understand people. One of my friends, like, took me to some, like, rich dude's house for some afterbar. And he had an elevator, and it was literally the size of a coffin. And they were like, all thought it was hilarious, and it only fit like three people, and they all like piled in drunk, and it got stuck. And they were like stuck for 40 minutes.

• 16:47Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  And I was like, other people were at the party like, "What the hell?", and they called the fire department. I was like, "Why would you even risk that?"

• 16:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 16:56Sam Morril?

  Some of those houses have, but it's always the shittiest elevator.

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. What the fuck?

• 17:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 17:01Mark Normand?

  Buried alive.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  You can't process that, exactly. You're buried alive. There's one story that's the worst thing I've ever heard.

• 17:07Mark Normand?

  Lay on me.

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Happened in New York, and you can look it up, and it's a real story about a fucking dude, Richard Gere, no.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  This guy got stuck in an elevator for three and a half days.

• 17:21Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 17:23Speaker 00

  And it's 100% the guy was on Oprah, made national news. He left work on Friday in Manhattan, left work on a holiday weekend.

• 17:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 17:30Speaker 00

  And then forgot his phone, went back up and the elevator got stuck.

• 17:35Mark Normand?

  Oh my god.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  And everybody had left for the weekend.

• 17:37Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  And he was there for three days.

• 17:39Mark Normand?

  What a nightmare.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  And they show a time lapse, he's trying to go to the bathroom, he's trying to like ring the bell, he's trying to get out of the roof.

• 17:45Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  He was there for three days, he was like, I had no, I had no idea what was going on, I had no idea what day it was or anything.

• 17:50Mark Normand?

  Holy shit.

• 17:52Sam Morril?

  Sucks, but it's not like, it's not like that James Franco thing where he like gnaw his arm off, it's not like an inspiring story, it's just shitty.

• 17:58Mark Normand?

  Just shitty.

• 17:58Speaker 00

  Right, yeah, no, it's just terrible.

• 18:00Sam Morril?

  That just sucks.

• 18:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:01Mark Normand?

  Shit in the corner.

• 18:02Sam Morril?

  Oh my god, this is it?

• 18:04Mark Normand?

  This poor guy, I would go up the ceiling.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm like, how is there not like some kind of trap door?

• 18:10Mark Normand?

  Totally.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  Don't they, they have to have them, don't they?

• 18:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Oh man, and no phone, you can't look at Instagram or anything.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's no phone, he's on Tinder.

• 18:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right? Ah.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 18:25Sam Morril?

  Didn't open.

• 18:26Mark Normand?

  But the floors are too wide.

• 18:27Speaker 00

  Three fucking days.

• 18:29Mark Normand?

  Unbelievable.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  This isn't an hour.

• 18:31Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  Or two hours, three days, and he had a Snickers and a Gatorade in his backpack.

• 18:37Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  So A, I guess that kept him kind of alive, but like, I don't even know how you ration that.

• 18:42Mark Normand?

  Right. And you probably think, oh, I'll be out in a few hours.

• 18:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so I'd have it immediately, probably.

• 18:47Mark Normand?

  Same. Horrible Snickers commercial.

• 18:50Speaker 00

  Or, or.

• 18:52Mark Normand?

  Or Gatorade.

• 18:53Speaker 00

  In the fetal position is the rough part, like, look at that.

• 18:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, poor guy.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, what do you, like, you have no idea what, oh my god, it's the worst.

• 19:00Mark Normand?

  They do this in prison, they put you in the box if you're bad.

• 19:03Sam Morril?

  This was like Shawshank.

• 19:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you're in solitary.

• 19:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 19:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, this poor guy.

• 19:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:08Mark Normand?

  Great way to get people to lose weight, though, your wife puts on a few, you throw it in an elevator, it shut down.

• 19:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, you take the stairs.

• 19:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:17Sam Morril?

  Oh my god, was that, wait, so that's where someone found him? At forty?

• 19:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, I would blow that guy.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:24Mark Normand?

  Wow. I mean, you could sue for that, I assume.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  I mean, I was wondering, you can probably.

• 19:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look that up.

• 19:31Speaker 00

  That's insane.

• 19:31Mark Normand?

  That's emotional distress and damage. That's horrible, boy.

• 19:35Sam Morril?

  No one comes in on a weekend?

• 19:36Mark Normand?

  Right, and it's MLK, that fucking asshole.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  It would be great if he was fucking in the fetal position, people came in and out.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  Chong people came in like.

• 19:48Mark Normand?

  That would happen in New York, you'd just step over him.

• 19:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, totally.

• 19:51Mark Normand?

  Some homeless guy.

• 19:52Sam Morril?

  You could potentially sue instead.

• 19:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, come on, that's horrific.

• 19:56Sam Morril?

  Oh, forty hours, you said three days, forty hours is awful, but it's not as.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  Wait, forty hours?

• 20:00Mark Normand?

  Ah, it's about two days, almost.

• 20:03Speaker 00

  Oh, I thought, alright, that's not that bad. I'm just kidding.

• 20:07Mark Normand?

  Two mil!

• 20:08Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 20:08Mark Normand?

  Would you do it for two mil?

• 20:09Speaker 00

  Forty hours?

• 20:10Mark Normand?

  If I gave you two mil right now to sit in that elevator for forty hours, I would do it too.

• 20:14Sam Morril?

  I would drug myself and just sleep.

• 20:16Mark Normand?

  That's true, but no phone. You gotta do it just like Mr. White.

• 20:19Speaker 00

  You can't know that it's gonna happen, though. So at some point, so you could have diarrhea, Sam.

• 20:24Mark Normand?

  Ah-ha, good point.

• 20:26Speaker 00

  We all know, so.

• 20:27Mark Normand?

  You'd be painting the walls in there.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't prep for it.

• 20:30Mark Normand?

  It'd be a Pollock painting.

• 20:31Sam Morril?

  Just like pull my pants, I'm like, fuck.

• 20:33Mark Normand?

  You just spray the camera with your turds?

• 20:36Speaker 00

  We did a movie, The Longest Yard.

• 20:38Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  We filmed in Santa Fe, and it was home to one of the worst, I think it's the worst prison riot in US history.

• 20:45Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 20:46Speaker 00

  And so Adam's partner paid his assistant to sleep overnight in a cell.

• 20:52Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  And he couldn't leave. And it was like the most haunted, violent prison, and he spent an entire night in the cell.

• 20:59Mark Normand?

  That's terrible.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  And afterwards, I was like, and he couldn't have a flashlight, he couldn't have a phone, he couldn't have anything. And I go, what was that like? And he was like, I'm not doing that again. He gave him like a thousand bucks, and he was like, yeah, it was fucking horrible. It's like, I was like, hearing shit, and it's like, he was just like, it was awful.

• 21:18Mark Normand?

  Jeez, where's that memoir? Everybody's mad at Ellen. This guy's putting people in a cell for a day.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, Ellen.

• 21:24Mark Normand?

  Well, I'm just saying, that's way worse.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  Their world was a prison. Mark, their world was a prison.

• 21:30Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 21:31Sam Morril?

  How was that movie? Was that a fun one?

• 21:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was fun. I wasn't in it, but I was just writing during it.

• 21:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 21:37Sam Morril?

  That was a fun one. I liked that one.

• 21:39Mark Normand?

  Chris Rock.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:40Mark Normand?

  Tracy Morgan.

• 21:42Speaker 00

  Richard Gere. As the gerbil.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  What if we pitched that a remake of Leave It To Beaver and it was Leave It To Gerbil?

• 21:53Speaker 00

  Richard Gere as the gerbil.

• 21:56Mark Normand?

  You know, they open up with that, that big circle. That's just his asshole. And that's the gerbil coming out to the day. Hello, everybody.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  And it just pops out.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  Blood everywhere.

• 22:06Mark Normand?

  It's kinda like Groundhog. It's gonna be three more years of winter or whatever.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Groundhog's gay.

• 22:12Mark Normand?

  There we go.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  Yep, it's a porno now. Now it's a porno.

• 22:14Mark Normand?

  Well, everything's a sequel anyway.

• 22:15Sam Morril?

  You know, his agent's getting calls. He's like, yeah, Richard's not doing Gerbil project.

• 22:20Sam Morril?

  I'm not touching that right now.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  I never thought I would spend this much time talking about the Richard Gere gerbil thing.

• 22:25Mark Normand?

  Well, this is why it's such a big, big news story, cause it's got a lot of meat to the.

• 22:29Sam Morril?

  Well, not everybody knows it. My mom just texted me. She watched Primal Field, uh, what's Primal? Why can't I speak?

• 22:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, my god.

• 22:35Sam Morril?

  I'm having a stroke. What the fuck?

• 22:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 22:37Sam Morril?

  My mom just texted me. She watched Primal Fear. I got it.

• 22:39Mark Normand?

  There we go.

• 22:40Sam Morril?

  And, and she was like, he's still so handsome. And I was like, oh, you don't know the gerbil.

• 22:43Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  That's a phenomenal movie, though.

• 22:46Sam Morril?

  Dude, Ed Norton.

• 22:47Speaker 00

  Edward Norton's insane.

• 22:48Mark Normand?

  Incredible movie.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  You wanna talk about, if people haven't seen that, watch it just for Ed Norton. He beat, he was totally unknown and beat out like everybody.

• 22:55Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 22:55Speaker 00

  In Hollywood for that part. He beat out like Matt Damon, all these people.

• 22:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he was like his first movie, I think.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was incredible.

• 23:01Mark Normand?

  Not to, not to keep it on Richard Gere, but he used to fuck Robin Quivers.

• 23:05Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 23:06Mark Normand?

  From, uh, Howard Stern and.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  Who also fucked Mike Tyson.

• 23:09Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Robin Givens?

• 23:11Mark Normand?

  She's got a lot of range. No, that's a different.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  Quivers. Oh.

• 23:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she was hot.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Oh, Robin Quivers from Howard Stern?

• 23:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 23:20Mark Normand?

  I think they used to date. And she said his penis was very disappointing. Imagine saying that on the biggest radio show of all time?

• 23:27Speaker 00

  What, did it have teeth and fur?

• 23:31Speaker 00

  I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Richard.

• 23:35Mark Normand?

  We're changing gears.

• 23:36Speaker 00

  I'm sorry, Richard, we're switching gears. Look at Mark, you fucking asshole.

• 23:42Mark Normand?

  Alright, well, she said she saw his dick somewhere. I don't know if she fucked him, but she saw his... I remember listening as a youth being like, oh, it's my nightmare.

• 23:48Sam Morril?

  So they dated and she just saw it, that's it?

• 23:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:52Mark Normand?

  Please, okay, this is a gear-heavy ep.

• 23:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 23:58Sam Morril?

  We're gonna get a phone call.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Not yet.

• 23:59Sam Morril?

  Dear people, like you can't...

• 24:00Speaker 00

  Not yet.

• 24:01Mark Normand?

  Come rebuttal, Rich. Yeah, we'd love to have you on.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  By the way, Richard, I love you a big fan, so...

• 24:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's not all right. He's got a, a normal wang here.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  That's decent.

• 24:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, with the hell robin quivers.

• 24:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 24:13Speaker 00

  He's got a fucking buff clit. He's roided out clit.

• 24:18Sam Morril?

  It's a weird pose, though.

• 24:20Mark Normand?

  Bad pose, little, little fruity.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's not great.

• 24:24Mark Normand?

  But, good-looking man. Oh, there's a, it's winking at you there.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  The guy's a fucking legend. The guy's a legend.

• 24:31Mark Normand?

  I got nowhere else to go. That's what his dick's saying, right now.

• 24:36Mark Normand?

  Keanu Reeves gay scene. Oh, man, how did I miss that movie?

• 24:41Speaker 00

  I was just gonna say, probably my friend at Hill. Also phenomenal movie, great movie.

• 24:44Sam Morril?

  That's a great movie.

• 24:45Mark Normand?

  River Phoenix?

• 24:46Speaker 00

  Ghost fans, yeah.

• 24:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, okay.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, great movie.

• 24:49Mark Normand?

  I'll check that out, I, boy.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Sam, you mentioned to me, um, you guys talk about movies a lot.

• 24:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we do, a lot of recs. Like, if you got a recommendation for the people.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  I got nowhere else to go.

• 25:00Mark Normand?

  That's fun.

• 25:00Sam Morril?

  The gerbil said the same thing.

• 25:03Mark Normand?

  Be to it. Alright, that dick is really, uh, eyeballing me, please.

• 25:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, do you have any, do you have any recs?

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Yes, I do.

• 25:11Mark Normand?

  Ooh, baby.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  One of my favorite movies.

• 25:16Mark Normand?

  Here we go.

• 25:17Speaker 00

  From the makers of Napoleon Dynamite. It's a movie called Gentleman Broncos.

• 25:22Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  Do you know it?

• 25:23Mark Normand?

  No.

• 25:23Speaker 00

  Do you know it? Phenomenal movie. Came out after Napoleon, didn't really do anything at all.

• 25:29Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  But it is so fucking good. It's in the same vein of really dry, quirky humor, but, uh, it's, uh, Jennifer Coolidge, Jermaine Clement, Sam Rockwell, Michael Andranu, it's phenomenal. Yep, Mike White.

• 25:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, he's, he's great.

• 25:45Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:47Mark Normand?

  He's got the same vibe, too.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  It's so good.

• 25:53Sam Morril?

  Oh, I'm excited.

• 25:57Mark Normand?

  I will check this out.

• 25:58Sam Morril?

  I love Jermaine Clement, man.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  Jermaine's amazing. He's so good.

• 26:02Sam Morril?

  Flight of the Conchords was so funny.

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:04Mark Normand?

  Very funny.

• 26:05Speaker 00

  You'll love this movie.

• 26:06Sam Morril?

  Oh, alright.

• 26:07Mark Normand?

  It's kinda Wes Anderson meets Gummo. That's how I would describe this director.

• 26:11Sam Morril?

  That person right there?

• 26:12Mark Normand?

  Maybe that's just that kid.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  You're wrong.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're just going off the kid, man.

• 26:16Mark Normand?

  Maybe I'm going off the kid. That's an ugly kid.

• 26:18Sam Morril?

  What was your most fun movie that you... You've been in so many movies. What was the most fun one?

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Too many.

• 26:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 26:27Speaker 00

  Probably Charlie Chaplin's The Circus when I was a monk.

• 26:30Sam Morril?

  You were great in that.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  They're all so fun. They're all different. One of them, kind of a sleeper that nobody really saw was a movie called Thirty Minutes or Less. And that was the director of Zombieland, and it's me, Danny McBride, Jesse Eisenberg, and Aziz Ansari.

• 26:46Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  And, uh...

• 26:47Mark Normand?

  Fun group.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  That was a blast, yeah. We filmed in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And, um...

• 26:52Sam Morril?

  Madcap Coffee?

• 26:53Speaker 00

  It didn't do well because we had a backlash.

• 26:56Mark Normand?

  Uh-oh.

• 26:57Speaker 00

  Because there was an incident, that's a real thing, where these...

• 27:01Mark Normand?

  Aziz?

• 27:02Speaker 00

  No, I'm kidding. Aziz, man! I'm not buying! Hey, it's me, I'm John the Comedy Cellar! Um, so, um, there was a real incident about a couple that took this mentally challenged person and strapped a bomb around his neck and had him rob a bank.

• 27:18Mark Normand?

  Whoa!

• 27:19Speaker 00

  And then the bomb detonated and the guy died. So the writer used the premise of strapping a bomb to somebody to have them rob a bank. It's not based on what happened, but then people equated it to that, to the movie and like we were... Like we were making, yeah, like we were making fun of it, but we weren't. And it's a dark comedy.

• 27:39Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 27:40Speaker 00

  But the writer just used the premise of the bomb and somebody robbing a bank.

• 27:44Mark Normand?

  It's a great premise.

• 27:44Speaker 00

  But anyway, people were like, "You guys are a piece of shit." It's like, what the hell? No.

• 27:48Mark Normand?

  We didn't do anything.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's also, we don't, it's not, it's not making fun of anything, but that's, it's a great movie.

• 27:54Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Me and Danny McBride are the bad guy.

• 27:57Mark Normand?

  Ooh, he's open.

• 27:58Speaker 00

  So it's one of the first times I've been a bad guy.

• 28:00Mark Normand?

  Alright. I'm down.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're fucking down.

• 28:05Mark Normand?

  That Eisenberg's a talent. I mean, he's annoying and whatever, but he is, uh, he can write a movie.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  What are you, his fucking grandfather?

• 28:11Mark Normand?

  Well, did you see?

• 28:12Speaker 00

  That Eisenberg's a talent.

• 28:15Mark Normand?

  That kid's got that. He's got something.

• 28:17Sam Morril?

  I liked his new movie.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  Moxie.

• 28:19Mark Normand?

  Loved it.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  What is it?

• 28:20Sam Morril?

  A Real Pain, his new movie.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  I haven't seen it yet.

• 28:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's killer. Great, great movie.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  I remember I was on a flight with Jesse and he was reading a script. And I go, I go, oh, what's, what are you reading? And he goes, it's the, the, uh, it's the, the, the, the, the new Woody Allen movie. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? You have a fucking Woody Allen script on your lap right now? And he goes, y- yes. And I go, can I, can I read it? And he goes, I, I, I'm not supposed to, you know? And I go, okay. I goes, how is it? And I just would like pick his brain. Jesse's awesome, by the way, he's one of my oldest friends.

• 28:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  And, uh, but he was, you know, protective of it, obviously. But I was like so enamored. Let me switch gears here.

• 29:00Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  Get it? No, so, um, there's, there's a movie coming out called Twenty Eight Years Later.

• 29:08Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  Based on Twenty Eight Days Later, which was critically acclaimed, also Danny Boyle.

• 29:14Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  One of my favorite movies is Twenty Eight Weeks Later. The sequel to Days that people don't talk about enough. The opening sequence to Twenty Eight Weeks Later, I think is maybe the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.

• 29:29Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 29:30Speaker 00

  It's the opening, don't, you don't have to play it. It's the opening, like, ten, twelve minutes, and it is fucking horrific.

• 29:36Mark Normand?

  Come on.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  I was so obsessed with it that when I would like have pregame parties at my house before we would go out, I would make people watch the first ten minutes.

• 29:44Mark Normand?

  What?

• 29:45Speaker 00

  I saw, I was so obsessed with it. So people would come over like all fired up and I'd be like, you guys, oh, just wait, oh, before we go out, let's just, just ten minutes, real quick, watch this. And it, and it was just, and it was just, and people were like, oh.

• 29:56Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Oh, God. And it would just ruin the mood and then we would go out.

• 30:00Mark Normand?

  Scary.

• 30:02Mark Normand?

  Special?

• 30:02Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:03Mark Normand?

  Alright, sorry.

• 30:06Mark Normand?

  Cut that. Wait, I've never even seen 28 Days Later.

• 30:10Speaker 00

  It's really good. They're both great, but 28 Weeks is underrated, my opinion.

• 30:14Sam Morril?

  I heard somewhere that you almost were in Tropic Thunder, but weren't?

• 30:18Mark Normand?

  Ouch.

• 30:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, several times.

• 30:21Sam Morril?

  What happened?

• 30:23Speaker 00

  So Ben had called me about being in Tropic Thunder. So it was like his pet, like, favorite thing. And I was like, "Yeah, done."

• 30:32Sam Morril?

  Which role was it?

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Jack Black's role.

• 30:34Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  And he wanted me to gain 100 pounds.

• 30:37Sam Morril?

  No stairs.

• 30:38Speaker 00

  And, uh, yeah. Stairs made out of donuts, man. Probably want to do. So I was like, "Okay." But I'm like, "100 pounds?" He's like, "You can do it. We'll figure it out." I'm like, "Okay." And then Sandler called me two days later. And he goes, "Hey, I'm doing this movie, The Zohan. I want you to be in it. Play my best friend in the movie." And I'm like, "Okay." And then I called Ben back, and they shot at the exact same time. And then they were trying to, Ben's partner Stuart, who has passed away, um, was one of my best friends, and they were trying to find something for me, but they were shooting in Hawaii and we were shooting in New York, and it just couldn't, nothing could happen.

• 31:12Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 31:12Speaker 00

  And I loved The Zohan. It was great.

• 31:14Sam Morril?

  It's really fun.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  But I loved Tropic Thunder, so it was like, it was just the worst timing of both at the same time. I was like, "Fuck."

• 31:20Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 31:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 31:22Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 31:22Mark Normand?

  Jack Black killed it.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  Oh, Jack was amazing. I mean, he was way more right for the part, but I was just honored that Ben, you know, thought, because I'd done Blades of Glory with his company.

• 31:31Mark Normand?

  Oh, right.

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Which is one of my favorite movies. That's a good movie.

• 31:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you're the stalker.

• 31:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:35Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  That's just a funny movie without me in it. That movie's fucking hilarious.

• 31:40Mark Normand?

  How cool is that? Sandler calls you. I know you're used to it now. You've been doing it 700 years, but they, they call you, you can be in a movie. You got it made.

• 31:48Speaker 00

  It's pretty fun.

• 31:49Mark Normand?

  It's great. You shouldn't, you shouldn't slough that off.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  I'm not, Mark.

• 31:52Mark Normand?

  I'm just saying. You should, you should appreciate that.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  In any way, I just said they were both great, and I was excited.

• 31:58Mark Normand?

  I just want, yeah, I want you to know how cool that is.

• 32:00Sam Morril?

  What, uh, were there any other ones that almost happened but didn't happen that you're like, "Fuck"?

• 32:04Speaker 00

  I don't know, Mark. Are there?

• 32:05Mark Normand?

  Well, let's see. Grandma's Boy was great.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 32:09Mark Normand?

  Um, classic.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  What, what were you asking? Sorry.

• 32:11Sam Morril?

  Are there any others that couldn't, like, almost happened but didn't happen?

• 32:16Speaker 00

  No, there were ones I was up for that I was like, yeah. I did, this is true. I did, I got a call from my agent and they go, hey, they wanna, this is 100% true, I just remember this. They wanna read you for Star Wars. And I go, and I go, what do you mean? And I, they go, they wanna read you for Anakin.

• 32:39Mark Normand?

  What?

• 32:40Speaker 00

  And I go, who, wait, they call, for me, Nick Swardson, Nick Swardson, my name. And they're like, yeah, they wanna read you. And they go, they know who, like, I'm a comedian, they're like, they don't care, they just, you have a good look for it, blah, blah, blah.

• 32:53Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  And I'm like, okay, and so I just went in and read Lucas and read for fucking Anakin, who, the part went to Hayden Christensen.

• 33:01Mark Normand?

  What a hunk.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  But, um.

• 33:03Sam Morril?

  So you read it in front of George Lucas?

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Not in front of George Lucas, no, I went to his office, like, the company. And, um, yeah, it was like, fucking, I was like, and I literally go, why am I here? And they go, well, you know, blah, blah, and I go, just, I, this, I go, I'm honored, this is like, amazing.

• 33:19Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  But I go, you saw me on like Reno 911 and thought like, maybe Vader would skate around space or something like, this doesn't make any, I'm never getting this part.

• 33:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  They, they just laughed and I'm like, yeah.

• 33:31Mark Normand?

  You never know, I mean, Robin Williams, uh, Jim Carrey, they pulled off some serious roles.

• 33:36Sam Morril?

  Serious role.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  No, I could, but it's like, to be in that, that, you know, Star Wars universe. I could definitely do it, I could fucking nail it.

• 33:46Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 33:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 33:47Mark Normand?

  You started in Minnesota?

• 33:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, in St. Paul.

• 33:49Mark Normand?

  Was that tough? I mean, is there, were there clubs and stuff there?

• 33:52Speaker 00

  I started in 1996.

• 33:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 33:55Speaker 00

  And they told me when I started that comedy was dead.

• 33:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 34:00Speaker 00

  So like, there were eight clubs at that time in the Twin Cities.

• 34:03Sam Morril?

  What?

• 34:04Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 34:04Speaker 00

  Eight clubs. I mean, this is coming off the 80s, like, the boom of the 80s.

• 34:08Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  And when I was there, there were. Three.

• 34:12Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  And then one of them was closing.

• 34:15Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  So I remember the local comics were like, yeah, it's, oh, like, why are you even starting?

• 34:20Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 34:21Speaker 00

  They're like, it's done. Comedy's over.

• 34:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 34:23Speaker 00

  So the people that started around that time are the people that really like, really wanted to do stand-up and believed in doing stand-up, you know? Like, I made no money. It was like sleeping in my car shit.

• 34:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Grabbing across country. So, you know, then I moved to New York and, you know, that's when like everybody was Galifianakis and Jim Gaffigan and Kevin Hart. I mean, like, the lineups were like insane back then.

• 34:44Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  And it was just all of us vying for like five minutes.

• 34:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 34:48Sam Morril?

  Well, any of the, did any of the older headliners take you on the road or help you out?

• 34:52Speaker 00

  The people I opened for, starting out, were Jay Moore.

• 34:56Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  David Cross.

• 34:58Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 34:58Speaker 00

  Anthony Clark.

• 34:59Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 35:00Speaker 00

  And Janine Groffalo.

• 35:01Mark Normand?

  Hey, star studded affair.

• 35:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, so they were all nice enough to, uh, yeah, bring me out on the road, which helped immensely. And then I in turn, like, when I would find funny young people, I would make sure, you know, I would get them out and get them on the road and get them like good stage time.

• 35:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 35:17Speaker 00

  Like, I remember like BJ Novak.

• 35:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  I remember I saw him, brought him out to do shows. Dan Mintz, who's really funny.

• 35:25Mark Normand?

  Very funny.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Zach Galifianakis did shows for me. I'd open. He would open.

• 35:28Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Stuff like that.

• 35:29Mark Normand?

  Man.

• 35:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I'll just find people. Like, if I see a clip and I'm like, DM him and be like, dude, you're really funny.

• 35:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  That was funny, because when, we have a weird history.

• 35:37Mark Normand?

  Uh-oh.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  Which is super funny. The Gerbil Farm. No. No, but, um, before that, before I realized our history, I remember seeing clips of you on Instagram. And I was like, oh, this guy's really funny. I'm like, who the fuck is he? And then, because it was funny because I've been doing stand-up 30 years. I fucking know everybody. And I didn't know who you were, but you came off like you've been doing it for like 80 years. Like, you had this like energy of just like, yeah, that, that guy did it again.

• 36:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, little grizzle.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I used to fuck Joan Rivers.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Old Catskill diarrhea.

• 36:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 00

  Borscht, just borscht belt, fucking underwear. But it was just so funny, just watching your stuff of just, it's almost like you're a vampire.

• 36:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:31Speaker 00

  Like, in a way, it's like your nose for a tooth. The Jewish vampire. The Jewish vampire knows Faradju.

• 36:38Mark Normand?

  Knows Faradju.

• 36:39Sam Morril?

  That's pretty good. That was good.

• 36:41Mark Normand?

  Wow, so.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  So tell them, does Mark not know the history?

• 36:45Sam Morril?

  What is?

• 36:46Mark Normand?

  I didn't know, tell me, lay it on me.

• 36:47Speaker 00

  Fucking the college gig?

• 36:49Sam Morril?

  No, you think I'm Di Stefano now?

• 36:51Mark Normand?

  Oh geez.

• 36:53Sam Morril?

  College gig together?

• 36:53Speaker 00

  I thought we did, back in the day.

• 36:55Sam Morril?

  We did.

• 36:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's awkward.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  One that told me that you booked, where'd you go to college?

• 37:00Sam Morril?

  Oh, fuck, you were right.

• 37:02Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Fucking asshole.

• 37:04Sam Morril?

  I forgot this part, dude, no.

• 37:05Speaker 00

  You fucking dick.

• 37:07Sam Morril?

  Fucked up, dude.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Fuck you, man.

• 37:10Sam Morril?

  I tried to book Nick at Tulane when I went there. And, uh, cause I had, so I was doing standup. And they wouldn't let me, like, they were like, you can open for who we bring down. I was like, alright, they brought down Dat Fan?

• 37:24Mark Normand?

  Of course they did.

• 37:25Sam Morril?

  And, uh, and it went well, so they were like, okay, you, you're good enough to, I mean, my jokes suck, but they were college, cause they wanted to like me.

• 37:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:33Sam Morril?

  You can help bring people down, and I saw Nick's half hour, and I was like, you should bring Nick Swardson down. And Nick, cause of Katrina, cut a deal.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  With me?

• 37:42Sam Morril?

  He cut a deal, but I think they still couldn't afford him, so it was like, uh, it just didn't, for timing or whatever, it didn't work out. But then, uh, but then Burr ended up coming down, that was cool.

• 37:53Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 37:53Sam Morril?

  But Nick was, he wrote, he was like one of the only people to write me back.

• 37:56Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 37:57Sam Morril?

  Pretty cool.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  No, but then I came back for half the money.

• 38:00Sam Morril?

  Did you?

• 38:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:00Sam Morril?

  Not when I was there, though, I think you came back later.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  You were left, but I came back, cause I felt bad about the Katrina thing.

• 38:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 00

  Cause I had started it.

• 38:07Sam Morril?

  Fucked up.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  Whoopsie.

• 38:09Sam Morril?

  You and Richard Gere, dude.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Um, but yeah, so that we, yeah, we did correspond.

• 38:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:15Mark Normand?

  That's cool.

• 38:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:16Mark Normand?

  Must be an exciting text to get from him.

• 38:18Sam Morril?

  I know, I was pumped, yeah, but, uh.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Then Sam sent me a shit pic. Inappropriate.

• 38:25Sam Morril?

  Crispy beef in the morning. Good god.

• 38:27Mark Normand?

  So wait, do you know Andy Dick?

• 38:29Speaker 00

  I do know Andy Dick.

• 38:30Mark Normand?

  Are you guys still partying?

• 38:32Speaker 00

  I don't, I haven't talked to him in a while, but I know Andy. Yeah, I, I've several Andy stories.

• 38:37Mark Normand?

  Ooh, well, I just, I just bring it up because he got punched out in New Orleans on Bourbon Street.

• 38:42Speaker 00

  When?

• 38:42Mark Normand?

  This is years ago. It was all over TMZ. Some guy knocked him out.

• 38:46Speaker 00

  He's been punched out. One story I just heard that, um, he was in a bathroom with Wesley Snipes.

• 38:51Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 38:51Speaker 00

  And they were at the urinal and Andy looked over at his penis and went like, oh, nice. And then Wesley punched him in the face.

• 38:57Mark Normand?

  What?

• 38:59Speaker 00

  That's what I heard and I was, I'm a hundred percent believing it.

• 39:03Mark Normand?

  The white man can't peek.

• 39:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, poor Andy. I don't know how he's still, bless his heart.

• 39:09Mark Normand?

  I respect that. I, I do the look over as well.

• 39:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you can't comment at.

• 39:13Mark Normand?

  You can't comment.

• 39:14Speaker 00

  That's where the problem.

• 39:15Mark Normand?

  That's the problem.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  Look over is already invasive.

• 39:17Mark Normand?

  But wouldn't you rather hear nice than, oof, poor guy, what are you, Richard Gere? I'd take a nice.

• 39:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, but, um.

• 39:25Mark Normand?

  He's got dick in his name.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, Andy's, Andy's, uh, yeah.

• 39:29Mark Normand?

  He's bi, right?

• 39:31Speaker 00

  Andy's, whatever Andy wants to be. Andy can, I remember I opened for him at Irving Plaza, 1998, and it was Andy Dick's Circus of Freaks. So it was me, Todd Barry, Marilyn Rice Cub, and, um, so Andy was sober at the time.

• 39:50Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 39:51Speaker 00

  So he goes, okay, I'm gonna go out and do this, um, this bit, okay? And I go, okay. And he goes, then I'm gonna bring you on. And I go, okay, fine. So he goes out, goes on stage, starts doing stand-up, and then he had the bit where he had a guy who played his sponsor.

• 40:07Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 40:08Speaker 00

  So he goes, I'm sober right now, it's great, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, my sponsor, Paul is here. So Paul comes up and he's wasted.

• 40:15Mark Normand?

  Ah, that's a, that's great.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  So it's a whole bit. So Paul, I witnessed this. So Paul backstage had pounded like five cans of clam chowder.

• 40:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 40:27Speaker 00

  So Paul comes on stage and Andy goes, oh my God, Paul, you're drunk. And Paul's like, fuck you, Andy.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  And he's like, "I don't know, fuck you." And then Paul does this reflex where he projectile vomits into Andy's face.

• 40:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 40:47Speaker 00

  So there's puke all over the fucking, like, all over his face, all over the stage. Andy fucking just goes to the microphone, he just goes, "Nick Swartzen."

• 40:59Speaker 00

  And walks off, and I'm like, "The fuck was that?"

• 41:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  And I'm walking past him, he goes, "Sorry, sorry about that." I'm like, "Alright."

• 41:10Mark Normand?

  I can see him doing that.

• 41:11Sam Morril?

  It's not a good bit.

• 41:12Mark Normand?

  No, no, no, tough to follow.

• 41:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, at least give me one credit.

• 41:17Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 41:19Speaker 00

  Good god, nobody even knew who I was, they're just like, "Alright."

• 41:22Mark Normand?

  Are you off the sauce?

• 41:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:24Mark Normand?

  Hey, how long?

• 41:26Speaker 00

  I, I did have some celebratory drinks after my special taping, but I haven't drank this whole tour, I haven't drank since August.

• 41:32Mark Normand?

  Holy, holy.

• 41:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I was pumped when I saw you in Texas, I was like, "Oh, he looks fucking good."

• 41:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, I didn't drink in Austin, yeah, I didn't drink the entire Toilet Head Tour. And I'm gonna continue, I don't really wanna drink anymore.

• 41:42Mark Normand?

  Come on.

• 41:43Speaker 00

  I just don't, I'm like, done.

• 41:45Mark Normand?

  We got a bottle.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  Wait, whaaat?

• 41:48Mark Normand?

  What about?

• 41:49Speaker 00

  No, I'm just like, I'm over, I just feel like I won drinking.

• 41:52Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 41:52Speaker 00

  Like, I won.

• 41:53Sam Morril?

  You went hard for a long time.

• 41:54Speaker 00

  I went hard for a long time, I was down low, like, like, I went hard in the paint. Like, people don't realize, like,

• 42:01Sam Morril?

  No, I've heard-

• 42:02Speaker 00

  And I wasn't a drug guy, people always think I'm like, do blow and stuff like that, like, I was never a drug guy, I just, I loved drinking.

• 42:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:09Sam Morril?

  What about it did you love?

• 42:11Speaker 00

  I just liked the, I liked hanging out at a bar, watching a game. I loved day drinking.

• 42:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  I love airport bar drinks.

• 42:19Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 42:20Speaker 00

  I love checking into a hotel, getting a cocktail. All of that.

• 42:25Sam Morril?

  What was your drink?

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Here's the funny thing, I always tried to do this where like, I always tried to solve drinking. Where I would go through phases. So like, everybody starts out drinking kind of whatever.

• 42:36Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Like Jack and Coke, vodka, cranberry, you know bullshit? And then you're like, well, I'm, I think I'm a whiskey guy.

• 42:42Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  And then I went through like a Jameson phase that imploded. And then I'm like, yeah, that's on me. Tequila, that's where I'm at. And then I went through that phase, imploded that. And I'm just like, you know what? I'm all about Jager bombs.

• 42:55Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  It was just like, I just kept trying to find how to make it work.

• 42:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  And it was like, nail polish remover, I mean. And then I just landed on like, I'm just vodka.

• 43:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 43:07Speaker 00

  And I'm diabetic. I got diabetes in Key West.

• 43:10Mark Normand?

  You got it there?

• 43:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, so it turns out, just everybody listening.

• 43:14Sam Morril?

  Fucking amazing sentence.

• 43:16Mark Normand?

  I've never heard that Jimmy Buffett song.

• 43:17Speaker 00

  I'm sure I'm the first person to ever do that. Like, I'm the first person to get too high and drunk on stage in Colorado. But, um.

• 43:25Sam Morril?

  Jimmy Buffett song?

• 43:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. But no, so Key West, it turns out, everybody, um, you can't get drunk every day, blacked out for a year and a half, and eat key lime pie, non-stop.

• 43:37Mark Normand?

  In that altitude.

• 43:38Speaker 00

  It will, no, no, Key West doesn't have altitude.

• 43:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, I thought he said Colorado.

• 43:42Speaker 00

  No, that was, I was making a joke about what happened to me.

• 43:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, I forgot about that.

• 43:45Speaker 00

  I didn't.

• 43:47Mark Normand?

  Well, we'll cover that after. Wait.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  God, fucking ChatSajak over here.

• 43:52Mark Normand?

  It's all right, one no sleep, I got a toddler.

• 43:53Sam Morril?

  My friend saw you, I, I called you during, I don't know if you remember.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  You did call me, many people did.

• 43:59Sam Morril?

  My friend, who I grew up with, was just in Key West, and he's like, I think Nick Swardson shitfaced at the bar, and I was like, maybe I should check up on him, because I feel like he didn't just randomly, like, he's probably been here for a while.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Dude, it was unreal. It was so fun, because it was during COVID.

• 44:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  So COVID was kind of a little superfluous there, because it was like, nobody really, it just, I don't know, it didn't really exist.

• 44:22Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  Because it was all outdoors and everything. So it was just kind of like Narnia with bars, it was Barnea, you know, so it was like, every day you just wake up and drink. And then that night, go see live music, and drink, and then pass out, repeat.

• 44:36Mark Normand?

  Sounds like heaven.

• 44:37Speaker 00

  There was nothing, it was fucking amazing. There was nothing, you know, in the sense of, there was no work, I didn't really, I was gonna retire, actually, I wanted to just live in Key West. And, um, but I just, just completely succumbed to this island life.

• 44:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  And like, I didn't care. I, it changed my whole perspective on life where, when I came back to LA briefly, and I like, was like, why do I have all this stuff? And I like, sold all my clothes and shoes and Rolex and diamond chain and so I had all this stupid shit. And I just would like, lived in Key West in like, flip flops and board shorts. It was like, super happy.

• 45:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  It was like, a really happy time.

• 45:12Mark Normand?

  That's great.

• 45:12Speaker 00

  And it was like, being at bars and just having discussions about like, art and literature and music. And it was just fucking great.

• 45:19Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 45:20Speaker 00

  I remember one of my highlights was, um, they have a butterfly museum. And I went and I spent a thousand dollars at the gift shop, the butterfly museum. Swear to God.

• 45:28Sam Morril?

  You just sold all your stuff to then waste it on butterfly stuff?

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. I was walking around in like, butterfly pajamas, butterfly like, bedazzled hat.

• 45:39Mark Normand?

  Butterfly is your gerbil.

• 45:40Speaker 00

  Yes, it is.

• 45:42Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 45:42Speaker 00

  Butterfly kisses in my anus tonight. I think that's the lyrics. I think, I'm not mistaken on that.

• 45:51Mark Normand?

  But Key West is a magical place.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  It's great. And they have the Key West Comedy Club. It's phenomenal.

• 45:54Mark Normand?

  Tom Dustin.

• 45:55Speaker 00

  And they have, Tom Dustin.

• 45:57Sam Morril?

  Our buddy just made a documentary about him and we don't know when it's coming out.

• 46:02Speaker 00

  God, what a broken record.

• 46:03Sam Morril?

  I'm sorry for trying to give a plug.

• 46:04Mark Normand?

  Throw the plug to your friend.

• 46:06Speaker 00

  Fuck off.

• 46:07Mark Normand?

  Uh, it's a great doc.

• 46:08Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, the documentary.

• 46:12Mark Normand?

  I think you're in it.

• 46:13Speaker 00

  Key West Comedy. Well, the funny thing is, I was in Key West for a year and a half, and I never did one set at the comedy club. Tom can vouch for this. I never did one set.

• 46:21Mark Normand?

  It must have driven him crazy. You got a great comic, uh, one bar over and you won't do a set.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  Literally, just stumbling past your comedy club.

• 46:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  And they have the Key West Theater. I'll be there February 20th. All my dates, by the way, nickswardson.net. Back on the road, picking up clubs for the theaters I missed, and I've got more theaters. When does this pod air?

• 46:40Mark Normand?

  Two weeks? Wait.

• 46:42Sam Morril?

  Not this weekend, but the next one, right? Okay.

• 46:45Mark Normand?

  You're gonna go to Key West as a sober guy? You know how hard that is?

• 46:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude.

• 46:48Mark Normand?

  That's a challenge. It's like a pedophile going to the Vatican.

• 46:52Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 46:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, uh, yeah, those are my.

• 46:57Sam Morril?

  He's a tough laugher.

• 46:58Mark Normand?

  Ah, it's fine. That was an easy, easy analogy.

• 47:01Sam Morril?

  You know what? Uh...

• 47:04Sam Morril?

  And no, that's great. Yeah, what's the website? Do you plug it?

• 47:07Mark Normand?

  Dot net.

• 47:08Sam Morril?

  Nick Swardson dot net?

• 47:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I couldn't get, I lost dot org.

• 47:12Mark Normand?

  What about Gov?

• 47:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, I wanted Gov, or Edu.

• 47:17Mark Normand?

  What'd you call him?

• 47:19Sam Morril?

  A vampire?

• 47:20Mark Normand?

  Edu.

• 47:21Sam Morril?

  Oh, Nosferatu.

• 47:23Mark Normand?

  What'd he Allen call back there?

• 47:24Speaker 00

  Nosferatu.

• 47:25Mark Normand?

  There it is.

• 47:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 47:26Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 47:27Speaker 00

  I'm going back to Florida.

• 47:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah, dude.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Which I know Sam has a...

• 47:32Mark Normand?

  Beef.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  Talk about, I know.

• 47:34Sam Morril?

  I love, yeah, I might film my next special in Tampa. I'm debating.

• 47:37Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 47:38Sam Morril?

  If I'm doing it.

• 47:38Mark Normand?

  Great comedy town.

• 47:39Speaker 00

  Florida's great for comedy. I love it.

• 47:40Sam Morril?

  I love Florida too. People think I hate Florida just because I fucking hate Naples, but like Florida Lauderdale is great. I love, Orlando crowds are great.

• 47:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:48Sam Morril?

  Miami's tough though.

• 47:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's tough.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  Miami's tough.

• 47:50Sam Morril?

  They're just, they show up late. They're kind of just not.

• 47:53Mark Normand?

  They're hot, they're cooked.

• 47:54Speaker 00

  The thing about the Florida club that you're talking about, um...

• 47:57Mark Normand?

  Off the Hook?

• 47:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, Off the Hook. Which I, I like a lot. I like the club. The thing about, this is one of my pep pieces.

• 48:03Sam Morril?

  No, you don't.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  I do.

• 48:04Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 48:04Speaker 00

  I do like that.

• 48:05Sam Morril?

  Do you really?

• 48:05Speaker 00

  Well, here's the thing I don't like, and this is what I don't like in general about comedy. I don't know how you guys feel about it.

• 48:11Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 48:12Speaker 00

  I don't like, duh. I don't like, um, food at a comedy club.

• 48:18Mark Normand?

  I don't like it either.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  And Off the Hook is like, full on, it's really good food, but it's a full on fucking meal.

• 48:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they're eating crab legs while you're trying to tell food.

• 48:26Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 48:27Speaker 00

  Surf and turf.

• 48:28Mark Normand?

  They got a bib on.

• 48:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  And the staff's great, the food's great, but it's like...

• 48:32Sam Morril?

  Food is good.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  It's fucking brutal to perform.

• 48:36Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 48:36Speaker 00

  Well, people, I don't understand, like, people in the comments, why, why do you eat at a club when you go to a show? Even in comedy clubs, like, I have people like eating like cake in the front row, and I'm like, isn't that like not healthy for you?

• 48:51Sam Morril?

  It should really...

• 48:52Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 48:53Sam Morril?

  It should be no, like, Comedy on Stage in Madison, the fact that they have no food.

• 48:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 48:57Sam Morril?

  This is, fuck, this was a choice and it's great.

• 49:00Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 49:00Sam Morril?

  The main money you're making is on booze anyway.

• 49:02Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 49:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, and it's not like this show's that long. It's like when you go to a movie, you don't want to fucking surf and turf.

• 49:08Sam Morril?

  But they do that now. That's, that's like how they're trying to revive movie theaters. They're doing like two year seat service.

• 49:13Speaker 00

  I've seen that.

• 49:14Mark Normand?

  It's kind of fun, actually. But you don't have to laugh audibly as a response in a movie.

• 49:18Sam Morril?

  Not a great way to see Twelve Years a Slave.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:23Mark Normand?

  You got the blackened chicken? But yeah, I'm with you on the food. And if you're gonna eat at a comedy club, which is disgusting and weird, do it early. Go, go an hour early, pig out, and then enjoy a show with a full stomach.

• 49:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, when they bring out, we used to, you know, Caroline's all the time, they bring out like the giant

• 49:38Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 49:38Sam Morril?

  block of chicken Parmesan.

• 49:40Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 49:40Sam Morril?

  It's fucking pungent, too. It's disgusting.

• 49:42Mark Normand?

  I know, I know. And you know what? Clubs, a lot of clubs do this popcorn now, which when you're bombing, all you hear is I don't need that.

• 49:51Speaker 00

  Maybe don't bomb.

• 49:52Mark Normand?

  Wow. I've been trying that for 20 years. I can't crack the code on that one.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  At least they should open a fajita comedy club. Or just hundreds of fucking, it just looks like fucking Armageddon. That'd be beautiful.

• 50:08Mark Normand?

  I think we, I think I did your fajita joke on a TV show once and I got creamed online.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  No, why?

• 50:14Mark Normand?

  I didn't know you did it already, and I did a similar thing.

• 50:17Speaker 00

  That's fine.

• 50:18Mark Normand?

  I just wanna bury that.

• 50:20Speaker 00

  Brendan Schaub got attacked for that, too.

• 50:23Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 50:24Sam Morril?

  Well, that's on you.

• 50:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, you're doing the same thing.

• 50:27Speaker 00

  I know, I did a fajita joke that was like a throwaway observation at like The Laugh Factory. And then this was during the MySpace days, and it went viral during that time.

• 50:35Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 50:36Speaker 00

  And it was just literally an observation. It was just about fajitas and blah, blah, blah.

• 50:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 50:40Speaker 00

  So it's like, I don't own an observation. I always think it's, I think.

• 50:44Mark Normand?

  You had it first.

• 50:45Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, what was your joke?

• 50:47Mark Normand?

  Just about how it's like the most attention-getting meal.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  Right.

• 50:51Mark Normand?

  Similar to yours.

• 50:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's an obvious observation. I just, the whole thing about comedy cops these days is so funny, cuz I've had people go like, "Oh dude, I, yeah, that bit you do, I just saw so-and-so do it."

• 51:04Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  And I go, "Really? What's the bit?" And they're like, "It's exactly like yours." And I go, "Well, what, what is it?" And they would tell me it, and I'm like, "No, no, no, it's an observation." I go, "My, my punchline, the whole, where I take it is different."

• 51:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  You're just seeing the setup and the premise.

• 51:20Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  We all share premises.

• 51:22Sam Morril?

  No, I saw.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  And then we have a different take on it.

• 51:24Mark Normand?

  Totally.

• 51:24Sam Morril?

  I saw someone posted like a morning TV thing I did, and they're like, "Bill Burr did it first," or whatever. I'm like, "A lot of comics fuck around on morning TV."

• 51:32Mark Normand?

  I know, we've all done it.

• 51:34Sam Morril?

  It's a, it's a. Common thing.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  Good god.

• 51:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, they like to be the guy who gets you. I called him out. I'm the man. I'm a cop.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  Why would we all steal from each other? Like, that doesn't make any sense. So I remember this when I first started. I remember this very vividly. And I was in Minnesota at my mom's apartment, 1997. And I had dinner, I did a bit at the open mic. And it was about athletes that celebrate. And I'm like, it's, I'm like, why are you celebrating? Like, that's your job. You score a touchdown. Why are you freaking out and blah, blah, blah? And so I did a whole bit. I'm like, a doctor doesn't do that. They're not in surgery. And then they fucking last stitch. Then they fucking throw everything and spike all the stuff. So I thought I was all excited. And then I go home and I'm watching Conan. And Bill Burr is on Conan. And Bill Burr does the exact same premise. And the doctor and the surgeon.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  And there's no way he saw me, in hell. There's no way I saw him. But it was just like-minded thinking. And I'll never forget that, where I was like, oh, this is probably gonna happen. You know what I mean? So I like, when people go like, oh, you know, so-and-so's a thief. I'm like, well, how, like, no. You know, let, let's like, actually disprove this. You know what I mean? Because I've thought of bits where people are like, oh, Brian Regan does the same thing. And I'm like, how fuck?

• 52:50Sam Morril?

  I came up with the N-word, black people bit organically. And it turns out Chris Rock already did it, so.

• 52:54Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 52:55Sam Morril?

  Not my fault.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  That's not your fault, Sam. That's why we pray.

• 52:58Mark Normand?

  I just wish you wouldn't do it at dinner, all the time. That's when it gets weird.

• 53:04Sam Morril?

  Can you tell, because we've had great Norm stories on here, and you were actually tight with him. Can you tell any Norm stories?

• 53:09Mark Normand?

  The king.

• 53:11Speaker 00

  I mean, I do a couple in my set.

• 53:13Sam Morril?

  They're great.

• 53:15Speaker 00

  So I don't want to give any of those away.

• 53:16Sam Morril?

  Don't give those away, yeah, but.

• 53:17Speaker 00

  Um, I'll, I'll share with you one that, uh, is one of my favorites. So we're, we're on tours, me, Sandler and Spade, and Norm. And it's our final show, I believe it was Mohegan Sun. And so it's our final show, so like, we were deprived of sleep. So everybody's just like, let's sleep in, okay? So we're all in a text thread. So we all sleep in, and we're, you know, wake up. And, uh, so Norm was on the thread at 6 a.m. On the thread with everybody. And he goes, hey, uh, I'm getting breakfast. Anybody want to have breakfast? And at radio silence, everyone's sleeping. I wake up at about 9 a.m. And I go, hey, does anybody want to get breakfast? And people are like, yeah, yeah, I'm down, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

• 54:02Speaker 00

  So we go down to the lobby and Norm's walking up and he goes, "What are you doing?" And I'm like, uh, "We're gonna go get breakfast." He goes, "Yeah, that was my idea." And I go, "What do you mean?" He goes, "Yeah, no, I said, uh, you guys want to get breakfast?" And nobody said anything. And I go, "Yeah, we're all sleeping." Adam's like, "You're sleeping." And he goes, "Yeah, then Swartzen, he fucking goes, uh, hey, you want to get breakfast?" "Now everybody wants to get breakfast." So he took my idea. He took my idea. I go, "I didn't fucking create breakfast." He goes, "Yeah, I know, but I thought of it first, my idea." He goes, "They don't even have breakfast here." And we're at a casino. And we're like, "They don't have breakfast, they always have breakfast." And then he goes,

• 54:45Speaker 00

  "No, I've been walking around trying to find it." And then we go to the concierge and we're like, "Do you guys have breakfast?" She's like, "Yeah, there's like three diners." Like, and there's one like blah, blah. And he goes, "What? What are you talking about? You're walking around? You have breakfast?" It was like the most insane. And that was the thing about Norm is like, you just never... I was always like, "What are you talking about?"

• 55:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  It's just like...

• 55:08Mark Normand?

  Did he know he was being funny?

• 55:10Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 55:11Mark Normand?

  That's what's the genius of him.

• 55:12Speaker 00

  Well, that was the genius of it, but it was like, I was one of his good friends, so it was just like, "I didn't steal your idea for breakfast." It's like so insane. Yeah, Swartzen stole it.

• 55:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  I thought of it.

• 55:26Speaker 00

  It's like, and it was so funny, like, I still have screenshots of like the threads of all of us.

• 55:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:31Speaker 00

  Because it was like, Norm would just... It was so bizarre. I remember one time we were going down to Florida. We had a whole run of shows in Florida. Like, four sold-out amphitheater, amazing shows. So we're on the...

• 55:44Sam Morril?

  That's St. Augustine, St. Augustine, right?

• 55:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:46Sam Morril?

  That's a beautiful...

• 55:47Speaker 00

  It's the best show I've... I'll talk about that in a second. It's the best show I've ever seen in my life, but... So we're on a thread. So Norm is gonna meet us from California and Florida. So two days before, we're like, "All right, Florida, Orlando, blah, blah, blah, excited, fired up." "Yeah, yeah, see you guys there." So we go, we get, get into Orlando. We're all at the hotel. We're like, okay, um, Norm, you here yet? He goes, what? Where? And we're like, we're in Florida, we're in Orlando, like, are you here? And he goes, Orlando? What are you talking about? What do you mean? Like, we have a show, a show tonight.

• 56:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  And he goes, what? Yeah. Who said that? I didn't know that. And I literally screenshotted it two days before Norm going, can't wait to see you in Florida. And I go, you fucking said. And he goes, oh, yeah, no. Yeah, shit, I have the flu. And we're like, what do you mean you have the flu? He goes, oh, yeah, the flu. And we're like, why don't you say you have the flu? And he goes, yeah, I forgot. And we're like, what the fuck?

• 56:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:51Speaker 00

  So he missed the whole Florida run.

• 56:53Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 56:54Sam Morril?

  He just didn't tell anybody his name's billed on this thing, too?

• 56:57Speaker 00

  Well, sometimes he was, sometimes he wasn't. Like, we were the main four, me and Spade and Strider and Adam. So Norm, there would be like a rotating, like, Nealon, Tim Meadows, Norm, stuff like that.

• 57:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  But, um, but yeah, it was just like, he just said.

• 57:13Mark Normand?

  That's hilarious.

• 57:14Sam Morril?

  Were you ever nervous being the new guy? Because all those guys have known each other forever.

• 57:19Speaker 00

  Um, no, I came in hot. I just started slapping genitals. Yeah. Um, well, I had worked with Adam for so long. And, you know, those guys all became really close. So when we went on tour, it was just, you know, it was, I never felt like the new guy. It was just like my buddies.

• 57:40Sam Morril?

  I've heard you got a jump shot, too.

• 57:42Mark Normand?

  Oooh.

• 57:43Speaker 00

  I did, before I went blind. I literally, like, that was in Key West, too. I have glasses now because I can't fucking see shit.

• 57:50Sam Morril?

  I've had multiple people tell me, I remember Godfrey once, she was like, Swardson's got a J, dude.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  Dude, I used to, yeah, I was a shooting guard. Yeah, I couldn't run point. But I was like, very like Reddick. That was my idol, who's, became a friend, J.J. Reddick.

• 58:07Mark Normand?

  Can I ask one more Norm, he's, one more Norm question? He's my favorite.

• 58:10Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 58:12Mark Normand?

  Did he do well on the shows? Cause I've only seen him live twice and one night he fucking annihilated. It was like the roof came off and then one night he bombed silence for like 45 minutes.

• 58:23Speaker 00

  Um, it's kind of like whatever he wanted.

• 58:25Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  You know, like he could, yeah, he could murder or if he just wasn't in the mood. He would, you know, he would just go off on like some kind of whatever he wanted to do.

• 58:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 58:38Speaker 00

  But, um, he did say one of my favorite things ever. I did a festival in San Diego and I headlined Friday, Norm headlined Saturday. And I stayed and hung out with Norm and we're backstage and, um, right next to him, he's about to go on. Kirk Fox's opener, it was really funny.

• 58:56Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  Is about to introduce, he's in the process of introducing him. He goes, you know, you're headliner, blah, blah, blah. And Norm just turns to me and he just goes, "The only thing I'm good at, I hate." And they're like, "Norm MacDonald," and he went on stage.

• 59:10Mark Normand?

  Jesus, that's dark.

• 59:12Speaker 00

  No, it was perfect. Cause it's like, sometimes comedians are just like, I can, sometimes, I don't know, you're just like, feel fucking dark.

• 59:19Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 59:19Sam Morril?

  Feel like it, but yeah, but I mean, do you think he didn't like doing stand-up?

• 59:24Speaker 00

  No, he loved it. You know, it's just kind of just a self-loathing, like.

• 59:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 59:29Speaker 00

  Maybe, maybe he just wasn't in the mood. It was a music festival.

• 59:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  So you know what I mean? I'm sure he was just like, this could go either way.

• 59:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah. I used to open for Louis and he would always pace in the green room and be like, "I don't feel funny today. I don't feel funny. I don't have it. I've gone. I'm not funny anymore." And then he would go up and murder.

• 59:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 59:46Mark Normand?

  I think before a show, you just get that weird.

• 59:47Sam Morril?

  In your head.

• 59:48Mark Normand?

  The butter.

• 59:49Speaker 00

  I'm like a legit insane person before I go on stage. I don't know if you're like this, I get really tired.

• 59:54Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 59:55Speaker 00

  Like I get a weird fatigue where I'm just like, ugh. And then people are like, "Are you okay?" And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I just have to get out there." And then once I'm out there, I fucking love it. It's the best. And, um, but I remember Dana Carvey was saying that to me. We were doing a gig at Laugh Factory in Hollywood and it was Kevin Nealon's new material night. And I'm backstage with Dana. And Dana's like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna bomb, I'm on a tank. And I'm like, you're not. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, I just, I don't, I don't have anything, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, no, it's a new material night. And he's like, no, no, no, I'm, I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna bomb. And I'm like, alright, whatever dude. And he just went out and fucking murdered Dana Carby.

• 1:00:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:00:31Speaker 00

  Literally could, he's the most charismatic, naturally hilarious human being that's ever created.

• 1:00:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  Much like a Richard Gere.

• 1:00:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 00

  But, no, he's amazing. It's funny when people say, say stuff like that.

• 1:00:44Mark Normand?

  Now was Norm a, I mean, I, I know he's a brilliant comedian, blah, blah, but was he ever-

• 1:00:48Speaker 00

  He said one question.

• 1:00:49Mark Normand?

  Was he ever brutal to hang out with?

• 1:00:52Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 1:00:53Mark Normand?

  Like, was it ever hard? What?

• 1:00:55Speaker 00

  Abusive?

• 1:00:55Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:00:56Speaker 00

  No, it just means it was just like a hard hang-

• 1:00:58Mark Normand?

  Was it, was it annoying sometimes?

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Shut up, Sam.

• 1:00:59Mark Normand?

  You know, like-

• 1:01:00Speaker 00

  I'm trying to fucking defend Mark.

• 1:01:02Mark Normand?

  Well, like-

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  Stupid question.

• 1:01:03Mark Normand?

  He's got that-

• 1:01:04Speaker 00

  No, he's trying to like, no.

• 1:01:05Mark Normand?

  I appreciate it.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  Be easy, I'm a man, man.

• 1:01:07Mark Normand?

  No, you can, you can-

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  Hey, you're in our cave, man. What are you, what are you doing here, Nick? What are you doing here?

• 1:01:15Mark Normand?

  You know, he couldn't drive, so he had to go pick him up, or he, uh, like, he has that great story where his assistant is like, "Norm, I, you're not gonna believe this, I got a, a hooker last night and she snorted coke off my dick. Don't tell anybody, please." And Norm's like, "Yeah, of course, I got ya." And then the UPS guy walked in, he goes, "Ah, this guy got his dick coke snort by a hooker." And the guy was like, "What are you doing?", you know, but that's Norm.

• 1:01:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, it was always just interesting. I mean, there's a story I've told before, I'll just tell it quickly, but-

• 1:01:43Mark Normand?

  Please.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  But it's the one of where I called him to watch a baseball game. So, do you know this story or no? So, I call him, it's noon, there's a triple header on.

• 1:01:53Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  So I go to the bar, have a couple beers, and then Norm's like, "Hey, what are you doing?" And I go, "I'm at the bar, I go, I just, just got here, I've had a couple beers. Wanna meet me and watch games?" And he goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, can you pick me up?" And I go, "No, I've already had drinks, I don't wanna drink and drive." I go, "You live a mile away, just call a cab, it's before Uber." And he goes, "Alright, yeah, see you there." So I'm like, okay, so I'm drinking at the bar, watch one whole game, no Norm.

• 1:02:18Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:02:19Speaker 00

  Another whole game, no Norm, text him, nothing, no reply.

• 1:02:23Mark Normand?

  This is what, six hours now?

• 1:02:24Speaker 00

  Six hours. So now I'm like, solid buzz, thank you, Mark.

• 1:02:28Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  So then, third game. No norm.

• 1:02:33Mark Normand?

  Huh.

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  So it's nine o'clock at night. Now I'm like fucking drunk as shit. And I'm leaving the bar and he's walking in.

• 1:02:42Speaker 00

  And he goes, "Where are you going?" And I go, "What do you mean? Where the fuck have you been?"

• 1:02:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  "I watched all three games. I'm like in a blackout. I can't walk." And he goes, "So, so you're leaving?"

• 1:02:58Speaker 00

  And I go, "Yeah, I can't see."

• 1:03:00Mark Normand?

  This is what I'm talking about.

• 1:03:01Speaker 00

  And he goes, "Nah," and this is the best part, this is so norm. I go, "Where the fuck have you been?" And he goes, "I had to do laundry."

• 1:03:11Mark Normand?

  For nine hours?

• 1:03:12Speaker 00

  For nine hours. I go, "Nine hours? Do you run an orphanage?" "What the fuck are you doing, man?" "You wear the same thing."

• 1:03:19Mark Normand?

  Yes, right.

• 1:03:21Speaker 00

  He goes, "Yeah." So I stayed and had like one more beer. But it was just like...

• 1:03:26Sam Morril?

  That would drive me crazy.

• 1:03:28Mark Normand?

  Of course, that's what I'm talking about.

• 1:03:29Speaker 00

  But I mean, that's why like you just never... You would never like fully invest.

• 1:03:34Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  But he was great though. He was really competitive. One time, um, he goes, "Uh, he goes, "Hey, uh, you ever play ping pong?" And I go, "Yeah, I grew up playing. I grew up playing ping pong. I had a ping pong table."

• 1:03:47Mark Normand?

  You ever played ping pong?

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  "No, hey, I, I, I play ping pong. I'm really good." And I go, "I bet you I beat you." And he goes, "No, no, no, I bet you won't." And I go, "Yeah," he goes, "He goes, "I got a new ping pong table." So I go over to his place and we're playing ping pong and I'm annihilate him. Like in front of, um, in front of Lori and his son. And it's just, and he's fucking livid. And I'm just, just smoking and he's like, "What the fuck? What are you fucking, half Asian? What's going on here? What are you doing?" And I'm like, "I grew up playing ping pong. I'm like really, really, really good." And he's like, "Yeah, I play again." And so I just kept beating him. And then I felt bad. It was kind of like I would let up a little bit.

• 1:04:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  And you could tell and he would make it more mad. He's like, "Yeah, yeah, fuck you." And he was just, he was so mad.

• 1:04:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's funny.

• 1:04:37Speaker 00

  So like there was a funny competitive side to him.

• 1:04:40Mark Normand?

  God, could you imagine him trying to have a girlfriend or anything like that? Showing up nine hours late to stuff? It's insane.

• 1:04:46Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:04:46Mark Normand?

  Or not be able to drive in LA?

• 1:04:48Sam Morril?

  That is crazy that, I know, I have another friend who can't drive in LA and how do you live there?

• 1:04:54Mark Normand?

  You got Uber now, but this is, you know, in the 90s and early 2000s.

• 1:04:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, it was tricky. I mean, I can't believe I don't have a DUI. I mean, so many stupid decisions of like, because I would live in, I lived in Venice Beach and I would do sets at the improv. So I'd like try and sleep in my car, but sometimes like you would roll the dice.

• 1:05:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:11Speaker 00

  And.

• 1:05:11Mark Normand?

  You ever get, get off because of your fame?

• 1:05:14Speaker 00

  No, one time, yeah, I did a couple of times, not from a, I would get out of tickets. Um, because I was on Reno 911.

• 1:05:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, beautiful.

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  But this is a true story of getting out of a DUI. This is 100% true. Um, I was leaving the improv and I was going six blocks to a bar in Hollywood. And I'd had about five or six drinks.

• 1:05:35Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:05:36Speaker 00

  Which is nothing, it's easy. So I'm driving and I go, I'm gonna go back roads, not do major streets, just in case.

• 1:05:42Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:05:43Speaker 00

  So I go back roads and I pass a cop car going down, I'm almost to the bar. And I pass this cop car, my windows are down and music's blaring. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I just know they're gonna pull me over. I just know it.

• 1:05:55Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:05:55Speaker 00

  And I look at my rear view and they're doing a U-turn. So I floor it, step on the gas, go to the street in front of me, whip a hard right. There's a meter there, thank God. I jump out, get out of the car, turn the car off. Cops come by, whoop, pull it behind me. They're like, hands on the car, hands on the hood, hands up, up, up. Empty your pockets. They're like, are you on drugs? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm emptying my pockets. And they're like, okay, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I'm like, I, uh, I just got offstage. I was at the improv. I'm a comedian. I was just going to this bar. And they're like, okay, you have drugs on you? And I go, no, I don't do any drugs. There's no drugs, I promise. And like, have you been drinking? And I go, I'm not gonna lie to you, I had a drink after I got offstage.

• 1:06:40Speaker 00

  I go, it's so scary doing stand-up that I just, I had to, just to kill the nerves because it's just so scary. And they totally were like. Oh yeah, I can see that.

• 1:06:52Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 1:06:52Speaker 00

  Like that, yeah, that'd be horrifying.

• 1:06:54Mark Normand?

  Well played.

• 1:06:54Speaker 00

  And I go, "Yeah," I go, "I'm not gonna lie to you, though." Then, this is before cell phones, and I had a little notepad with all my jokes and ideas and premises. So the cop goes, "What's that?" And I go, "It's my joke notebook." And he goes, "Okay." And he looks at it and he goes, "What's that?" And I go, "Joke," and he goes, "What is it?" And I told it to him and he goes, "That's very funny." And then he goes, "What's that?" And I go, "It's an idea I have for a TV show," and he goes, "What's the idea?" And I go, "It's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," and he goes, "Yeah, that could work." And then he's like...

• 1:07:25Sam Morril?

  This is the most LA polar...

• 1:07:26Speaker 00

  It's so insane, and it's 100% true.

• 1:07:29Mark Normand?

  He's like, "That's a Bill Burr joke, actually. I saw that on Conan."

• 1:07:32Speaker 00

  What's this drawing of a gerbil? So then, he like points out one more joke. So he turns to his partner and he goes, "What do you think?" And the guy goes, "I don't know, the kid's a fucking comedian." And he goes, "Okay." He goes, "Good luck, man." He goes, "Don't get back in that fucking car." And I go, "I won't. I won't. I swear to God." And he goes, "Okay," and they left. And I walked into the bar and I was like, "Oh, oh, oh, my fucking God." I couldn't believe...

• 1:07:56Mark Normand?

  I'm invincible.

• 1:07:57Speaker 00

  It was insane. I just never...

• 1:07:59Mark Normand?

  Your act.

• 1:08:00Sam Morril?

  That happened to me when I was at school and they pulled my notepad out, but my... They hated my fucking joke.

• 1:08:05Speaker 00

  Nah. No way.

• 1:08:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they were like, "That sucks."

• 1:08:07Speaker 00

  No way.

• 1:08:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it was fucking annoying.

• 1:08:10Speaker 00

  Did they let you off, though?

• 1:08:11Sam Morril?

  They let me off.

• 1:08:11Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:08:12Sam Morril?

  And, and it was a bit of my act, this is a story, but a guy, a true story, a guy actually had cocaine on him. They, they, I didn't know him. They stopped all of us.

• 1:08:20Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:08:21Sam Morril?

  And he didn't search the guy, because they like beat up on me for my shitty jokes.

• 1:08:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, he owes you a beer.

• 1:08:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:27Mark Normand?

  And a bump.

• 1:08:28Speaker 00

  Good God.

• 1:08:29Sam Morril?

  It was fucking weird.

• 1:08:30Mark Normand?

  I got pulled over in Rhode Island. This is a month ago. I think I told you this story. Cop pulls me out of the car. I go, "I'm a comedian," and he goes, "Give me three jokes." First two bombed. He's about to take me to jail. I'm hammered. Did a trans joke. Smooth sailing.

• 1:08:44Speaker 00

  No way.

• 1:08:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:08:47Speaker 00

  Are you serious?

• 1:08:47Mark Normand?

  The black joke, I thought, I pulled out a black one first, and I think I did an Asian, and then a trans joke. Woo, baby, I'm home free.

• 1:08:54Sam Morril?

  One of those is good.

• 1:08:55Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:08:56Mark Normand?

  I'm for the cops.

• 1:08:56Sam Morril?

  I love that you said, "I'm gonna be honest," to a cop.

• 1:08:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:00Sam Morril?

  They know it's not that bad, though, because a pedo would never be like, "I fucked one kid. I was nervous."

• 1:09:04Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:09:05Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 1:09:06Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:09:07Speaker 00

  Good god.

• 1:09:08Mark Normand?

  But if you, if you level with them, if you go into like an emotional connection, my friend, we got pulled over, we were in high school. He was whizzing down this highway, we were all drunk, and he, the cop pulled him over, and he gets out, and he goes, "I just got dumped, I'm so sad, my girlfriend is the love of my life." The cop's like, "I get it, man, get out of here," and we got out of it.

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  I love cops.

• 1:09:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  They're amazing.

• 1:09:26Sam Morril?

  Good pee.

• 1:09:26Speaker 03

  We have a thing on the show called, "Working on new bits?" Question mark, are you working on new bits?

• 1:09:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah. I didn't prep him on this. I said, "Peeves," I said, "Peeves." If you have any peeves.

• 1:09:35Speaker 00

  I gotta watch the time, too.

• 1:09:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, shit, yeah, we've gone over.

• 1:09:39Speaker 00

  I've got a flight. Um, I'll tell you this one, I, uh, I was at dinner, uh, during the movie Just Go With It, with Sandler and Jennifer Aniston, and we're in Maui.

• 1:09:48Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  And, uh, we're all, we're all out to dinner, it was pretty awesome, that was a great shoot.

• 1:09:52Sam Morril?

  She's very cool, I'm guessing.

• 1:09:54Speaker 00

  She's cool as shit. She's like, the coolest person.

• 1:09:56Mark Normand?

  What about Barack Obama?

• 1:09:58Speaker 00

  He was not in the movie.

• 1:09:59Mark Normand?

  All right, I heard they were canoodling.

• 1:10:01Sam Morril?

  That's the rumor.

• 1:10:02Mark Normand?

  Do you hear that?

• 1:10:03Speaker 00

  Is that true?

• 1:10:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, pull it up.

• 1:10:04Sam Morril?

  If it's true, it's, it's a rumor.

• 1:10:05Mark Normand?

  She didn't deny it on Kimmel.

• 1:10:07Speaker 00

  There's rumors.

• 1:10:08Sam Morril?

  No, she did deny it.

• 1:10:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, she did, oh, okay, I saw a different version.

• 1:10:11Speaker 00

  No, she gets like a million rumors. I remember we were hanging out in her hotel, hotel room, and she was like, "Look at this," and she just like, Googled her name, and it was like, all this stuff, she goes, "This is what I deal with." It was like, all this fucking nonsense.

• 1:10:22Sam Morril?

  And Michelle fuck David Schwimmer, too.

• 1:10:23Speaker 00

  There was one about, that said, "Jennifer Aniston's addicted to grapes," or something.

• 1:10:27Mark Normand?

  Grape?

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  It was like, one thing, she's like, "I'm not a, what does that even mean?"

• 1:10:30Mark Normand?

  Statutory grape.

• 1:10:31Speaker 00

  So anyway, we're at, um, we're at, uh, dinner.

• 1:10:34Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  And it's Sandler, the whole crew, and then Woody Harrelson lives in Maui, so he crashed the, he crashed the.

• 1:10:39Mark Normand?

  Come on.

• 1:10:40Speaker 00

  The dinner. So we're hanging out, and I had just met him, and so, um, we're, you know, just having dinner, and so Jennifer's like, you know, Woody, Nick does stand-up, he's also a stand-up. And Woody goes, "Oh, yeah? Tell me a joke."

• 1:10:52Mark Normand?

  Ah, here we go.

• 1:10:54Speaker 00

  And then everybody got quiet, and he was like, dead serious, and I go, "What do you mean, I'm, we're at dinner," and he goes, "No, tell me a joke." And I'm like, okay. And then I just, I told him a joke and I go, and it's one I use with police when I get pulled over if they're like, tell me a joke. And I go, blonde walks into a library and she's like, can I get two cheeseburgers? And they're like, this is a library. And she's like, sorry, can I get two cheeseburgers? So I told that joke, I told that joke to Woody and it was just a beat and he just goes.

• 1:11:26Mark Normand?

  Ah, nice.

• 1:11:27Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ. Yeah, it wasn't like cheers Woody Harrelson.

• 1:11:31Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:11:31Speaker 00

  Natural born killers.

• 1:11:34Speaker 00

  I was like, oh no.

• 1:11:35Sam Morril?

  Was he cool after that?

• 1:11:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's cool as fuck. He's like the nicest dude.

• 1:11:37Mark Normand?

  He seems like a cool dude.

• 1:11:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was great. Yeah, I remember he did this bit. So we're at the bar and he pulled out a tin of like red powder. And he goes, hey, I grow my own cayenne pepper.

• 1:11:50Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:11:50Speaker 00

  And I go, no way, that's cool. And he goes, yeah, I have a farm. And he goes, smell it. And I go, okay, like an idiot. And I go, okay. Ah. So immediate fire, pain, sobbing, like it was so painful and he's laughing. And I'm like, oh my God. And I go and like rinse my fucking eyes out, blah, blah, blah. And I go back and he's like, sorry about that, man. I didn't think you're really gonna do it.

• 1:12:11Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 1:12:12Speaker 00

  And I go, yeah, that sucked. And he goes, yeah, I'll, I'll do it too then, sorry.

• 1:12:16Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:12:17Speaker 00

  He did it and he was like, ah.

• 1:12:18Mark Normand?

  What a guy.

• 1:12:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, so he like went through it too. So it was cool.

• 1:12:22Sam Morril?

  Have you tried those smelling salts?

• 1:12:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's a nightmare.

• 1:12:25Sam Morril?

  Those are brutal.

• 1:12:26Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:12:26Sam Morril?

  The NFL players do. They have it in Rogan's green room at that club and.

• 1:12:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, no. In comes the grim reaper. Ah.

• 1:12:37Speaker 00

  Hi sweetheart. How are you? What a bonus.

• 1:12:42Mark Normand?

  He's got a flight to catch.

• 1:12:44Speaker 00

  Boners.

• 1:12:45Sam Morril?

  This.

• 1:12:45Mark Normand?

  Is that a gerbil?

• 1:12:46Sam Morril?

  Oh shit.

• 1:12:47Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  What is it?

• 1:12:48Sam Morril?

  It's for Mark. He had a child. It's from me and Sam.

• 1:12:52Mark Normand?

  Be a gift. Sorry.

• 1:12:54Sam Morril?

  You can open it afterwards.

• 1:12:55Mark Normand?

  Should I?

• 1:12:56Speaker 00

  Baby low jumpsuit.

• 1:12:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, come on. You are not allowed in a kid's store.

• 1:13:04Mark Normand?

  Look at this.

• 1:13:05Speaker 04

  I love this.

• 1:13:06Mark Normand?

  This is good stuff.

• 1:13:07Speaker 04

  That's good.

• 1:13:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, this is a classic. This should be on every kid's shelf.

• 1:13:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:11Mark Normand?

  Just ask Kevin Spacey.

• 1:13:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, Kevin O did the soundtrack for that book, Karen O.

• 1:13:15Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:13:16Speaker 00

  This is great. I grew up with this book, Good Night Moon, every child.

• 1:13:19Mark Normand?

  Classic.

• 1:13:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:20Speaker 00

  That's great.

• 1:13:21Mark Normand?

  Wow, thank you, Ari. What a guy.

• 1:13:23Speaker 04

  You're welcome. Yeah, I try my best.

• 1:13:25Speaker 00

  God bless you, Ari.

• 1:13:27Mark Normand?

  I'll read the card aloud. I hope it's not too sad.

• 1:13:29Speaker 04

  No, no, no, you don't have to read it.

• 1:13:30Sam Morril?

  By the way, Ari's got a new special out on Netflix. Give it a watch.

• 1:13:33Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 1:13:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:34Speaker 04

  Called America's Sweetheart.

• 1:13:36Mark Normand?

  Yes, on Netflix. Eighty-five K on plants.

• 1:13:40Speaker 04

  Not wrong.

• 1:13:41Speaker 00

  Ari, we were talking about the new Jewish vampire movie that's out right now, Nosferatu.

• 1:13:47Speaker 04

  That guy looks so much like me.

• 1:13:49Mark Normand?

  He does.

• 1:13:50Speaker 04

  I saw, I was like, wait, was I in this? Did I forget?

• 1:13:53Mark Normand?

  You're the stunt double.

• 1:13:54Speaker 00

  Here, wait, Ari, take my place. I gotta, I gotta go.

• 1:13:56Mark Normand?

  He's going to the airport.

• 1:13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I gotta make sure.

• 1:13:58Mark Normand?

  You came, you came so late.

• 1:13:59Speaker 04

  I know, I had to come straight, Bandit wouldn't poop.

• 1:14:01Mark Normand?

  Ah, his girlfriend.

• 1:14:03Speaker 00

  God, someone. Everyone said, Sam has diarrhea.

• 1:14:06Sam Morril?

  Oh, it was.

• 1:14:06Speaker 04

  That's a standard for Sam.

• 1:14:07Sam Morril?

  I know. Weak, weak Jewish stomachs, man.

• 1:14:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:14:11Sam Morril?

  You have a weak one, right?

• 1:14:12Speaker 04

  I, I've managed, but yeah, it's not great. I'm a bloody guy.

• 1:14:16Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:14:17Speaker 04

  I'm all blood.

• 1:14:18Mark Normand?

  Yuck.

• 1:14:18Sam Morril?

  All blood?

• 1:14:19Speaker 04

  I mean, sometimes it's mostly blood. It's first third of it, it'll sometimes be a.

• 1:14:23Speaker 00

  Are you gonna flag that or no? You're just gonna roll with it?

• 1:14:25Speaker 04

  Roll with it.

• 1:14:26Mark Normand?

  At his age, yeah.

• 1:14:27Speaker 04

  Listen, God has his plan for everyone.

• 1:14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:29Sam Morril?

  Nick, plug some dates before you go, man.

• 1:14:32Speaker 04

  Nicholas.

• 1:14:32Speaker 00

  Well, when does it, when is this gonna drop?

• 1:14:35Mark Normand?

  Two weeks.

• 1:14:35Speaker 00

  So.

• 1:14:40Speaker 00

  So what would that be then?

• 1:14:41Speaker 04

  The twentieth. Key West, nice.

• 1:14:44Speaker 00

  So Key West, and then Florida, Richmond, right?

• 1:14:48Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 1:14:48Speaker 00

  And then Houston Improv.

• 1:14:50Sam Morril?

  You gotta hit Pearlie's in Richmond, dude.

• 1:14:51Speaker 00

  West Palm.

• 1:14:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Great diner.

• 1:14:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm picking up some clubs and then.

• 1:14:56Mark Normand?

  That's a big room.

• 1:15:00Speaker 04

  And south, you're going everywhere in Denver.

• 1:15:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:03Speaker 00

  Covering around.

• 1:15:04Mark Normand?

  Wait, is that where?

• 1:15:05Speaker 00

  And then there's, there's more dates added too, so they're on the website, so.

• 1:15:09Mark Normand?

  You're not gonna do an edible, are ya?

• 1:15:11Speaker 00

  We'll see.

• 1:15:11Mark Normand?

  Ooh, you gotta go now.

• 1:15:13Speaker 00

  We'll see. A bloody edible. Ain't a bloody edible. That's the name of my next special.

• 1:15:21Mark Normand?

  What were some of the rumors people made up about it? Cause you had all kinds of stuff swirling. He's on drugs.

• 1:15:26Speaker 00

  I fucking literally went to Colorado. It was 9,000 feet altitude. I was starting my tour. I was in a good mood and not even the tour. I was prepping for it.

• 1:15:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:34Speaker 00

  And I fucking had cocktails and then somebody gave me an edible, which I eat. But it hit me when I went on stage.

• 1:15:40Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 1:15:41Speaker 00

  And it was a new set, so I didn't have my set list.

• 1:15:43Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:15:44Speaker 00

  And so I was like brain farting on stage. And then I was like trying to like remember where the act was. It was a brand new act.

• 1:15:50Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:15:50Speaker 00

  And then somebody videotaped it and sent it to TMZ. And then the theater pulled me and my opener, Ari Manis.

• 1:15:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:57Speaker 00

  Ari was like, don't pull him. What the fuck are you doing? And they're like, no, no, no. So they pulled him. The crowd was like, boo, like, don't. And I just waved.

• 1:16:04Sam Morril?

  You pulled at your own show. That's fucked up.

• 1:16:05Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:16:06Speaker 04

  It was, it's mountain town. It's mixed with like Degeneres and Illuminati.

• 1:16:10Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:16:10Speaker 04

  Our billionaires might be upset.

• 1:16:12Speaker 00

  Right. Yeah, totally.

• 1:16:13Speaker 04

  I've done that. It was a weird show. I did it right before you, actually. I saw you right there on the next day.

• 1:16:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's right. That's right.

• 1:16:19Speaker 04

  People were like really worried about Nick. I'm like, why? I had a meaningful conversation with him.

• 1:16:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, like totally not a red flag at all. Like, good God. And then it was like on Yahoo News. USA Today called me for a comment.

• 1:16:30Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:16:31Speaker 00

  I'm like, what did Michael Richards go through? Like, I didn't go through like some like fucking meltdown. I was just too high and just... In Colorado.

• 1:16:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:41Speaker 00

  I wasn't at the fucking, you know what I mean?

• 1:16:43Sam Morril?

  We never would have said that in Colorado. Too many whites.

• 1:16:45Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:16:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:16:48Speaker 00

  God. Alright, I gotta go.

• 1:16:49Mark Normand?

  Alright, well, hey, thanks, Nick.

• 1:16:51Speaker 00

  Thank you, man. I love you. Let's take a photo.

• 1:16:53Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah. Get the moon in there. Good night.

• 1:16:56Speaker 00

  Good day, Ari.

• 1:16:59Speaker 00

  Hey, sex with kids. Alright. Praise him. Thanks for the gifts, Ari. You're a man.

• 1:17:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, buddy. Congratulations on the addition.

• 1:17:08Mark Normand?

  Being away is quite nice. Hey, thanks for doing it, man. Good stories, good ep, good times.

• 1:17:17Mark Normand?

  Well, I got a weird handshake, they got a hug, that was

• 1:17:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:17:20Mark Normand?

  That was tough.

• 1:17:25Speaker 04

  It was your body mark.

• 1:17:26Sam Morril?

  Wow. When are you leaving?

• 1:17:28Mark Normand?

  One of those are true.

• 1:17:29Speaker 04

  I'm leaving am uh, Wednesday morning or tomorrow uh,

• 1:17:33Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 1:17:33Speaker 04

  Tomorrow night, night.

• 1:17:35Sam Morril?

  I thought you were gone already.

• 1:17:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, I was like two days and I'm gone for six weeks.

• 1:17:38Mark Normand?

  Whoa, six weeks.

• 1:17:41Sam Morril?

  Where are you going?

• 1:17:42Speaker 04

  All over, um.

• 1:17:43Mark Normand?

  Pitta, what are you thinking?

• 1:17:44Speaker 04

  L.A., Nashville, San Jose, San Antonio.

• 1:17:48Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 1:17:48Speaker 04

  Denver.

• 1:17:49Sam Morril?

  Are you gonna stay in all these places?

• 1:17:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I'll do some like press shit in Austin, I'll stay in San Antonio, I'll stay there for a little bit. In L.A., in Bray, I'll like do press there until I go to Nashville, do some press there.

• 1:18:01Mark Normand?

  No sets though?

• 1:18:02Speaker 04

  No, all set.

• 1:18:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay, okay, great.

• 1:18:04Speaker 04

  In between, I'll stay there.

• 1:18:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 1:18:06Sam Morril?

  You just stay in hotel or something?

• 1:18:07Speaker 04

  San Antonio, yeah, San Antonio, I'll go back up to Austin, hang out there, do spots and shit.

• 1:18:13Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 1:18:13Speaker 04

  Tampa, I'll go to the beach, I might go skiing between Tampa and Florida.

• 1:18:17Mark Normand?

  Come on, you're living.

• 1:18:19Speaker 04

  Get two days off.

• 1:18:20Mark Normand?

  I know, but I have a kid now, I can't, all this shit is just FOMO for me.

• 1:18:23Speaker 04

  Dude, I was using a fake pass. I got caught with a fake pass.

• 1:18:27Mark Normand?

  Oh no.

• 1:18:28Sam Morril?

  What pass?

• 1:18:29Speaker 04

  It's a, it's a, it was in a, well, I don't wanna say which, I don't wanna get bad, but it was one of the passes for Ski Towns.

• 1:18:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:35Speaker 04

  And uh, I was with Ryan O'Neal, and they go, uh, we're like, we'd already dinged it six times, and then I go, sir, step out of line for a second?

• 1:18:43Mark Normand?

  Oh shit.

• 1:18:44Speaker 04

  And then I'm like, well, we're fucked, I already knew we're fucked, but we still hold out hope. And they go, can I see your face? And he goes, no. He goes, well, can I see some ID? I go, I don't have any ID.

• 1:18:57Sam Morril?

  And they didn't let you in?

• 1:18:59Speaker 04

  No, he goes, I need to see some, why can't I see your face? And O'Neal just went straight Karen.

• 1:19:03Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:19:04Speaker 04

  He goes, I was badly burned. I was familiar with the Americans Disability Act of 1997.

• 1:19:10Mark Normand?

  For him.

• 1:19:11Speaker 04

  The guy was like, you think this is the first time I've seen a fake pass?

• 1:19:15Mark Normand?

  They're not, they're pretty lax with though, we went skiing.

• 1:19:17Speaker 04

  Very lax.

• 1:19:18Mark Normand?

  And uh, what's his fucking name, the guy, the bar stool guy, he gave me his pass.

• 1:19:22Speaker 04

  Francis.

• 1:19:22Mark Normand?

  Francis.

• 1:19:23Speaker 04

  Ellis.

• 1:19:24Mark Normand?

  Ellis.

• 1:19:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:19:25Mark Normand?

  He's like, here, take my pass. I'm like, your photo is on there.

• 1:19:28Speaker 04

  They always get used.

• 1:19:29Mark Normand?

  He's like a six-four Nazi-looking blond guy, and I'm a twink, five-ten curly douche, and it worked every time. Not a peep.

• 1:19:37Speaker 04

  They just, go, go. It's all cokeheads ringing it in. Except one old man. Don't go to the old man.

• 1:19:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah, there's cool dudes in those types of jobs.

• 1:19:45Speaker 04

  They're just like, I'm just looking to do this until I can ski.

• 1:19:47Speaker 03

  Apparently, his Park City lines are insane.

• 1:19:50Speaker 04

  Oh, they had a strike. It's over now.

• 1:19:51Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:19:52Speaker 04

  They had a strike, uh, so they had to, like, shut a bunch of, they didn't tell anybody. They had a strike for the, they wanted more money.

• 1:19:57Sam Morril?

  Are you guys, are you guys good skiers?

• 1:19:59Mark Normand?

  I'm okay at snowboarding. I can't ski to save my life.

• 1:20:01Speaker 04

  I'm okay, but I go for it.

• 1:20:03Mark Normand?

  He's good. You're good. You're pretty good. You're above average.

• 1:20:05Speaker 04

  Terrible to, to challenging ratio is Ian Fidance. He's awful.

• 1:20:09Mark Normand?

  So bad.

• 1:20:10Speaker 04

  And just bombs it.

• 1:20:11Mark Normand?

  He'll go up a fucking slope.

• 1:20:13Speaker 04

  I'll try one leg. I'm like, buddy, you don't even know how to ski.

• 1:20:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and he's smoking the whole time.

• 1:20:16Speaker 04

  Smoking, no, no helmet, just smoking, one leg in it.

• 1:20:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:20Speaker 04

  And he's bad.

• 1:20:21Mark Normand?

  You know what's really bad? It was Gillis. He's just a big snowman out there. He looks like the Michelin Man.

• 1:20:26Sam Morril?

  I've never even tried. I would be worse.

• 1:20:28Speaker 04

  You'd be worse.

• 1:20:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's, uh, it's fun as hell. I mean, two, one day, you got it. Just do it for a full day, and you got it down.

• 1:20:35Speaker 04

  You got it. Snowboarding's easier to master, I've heard.

• 1:20:37Mark Normand?

  I, yeah, I agree. Plus, I'm used to going sideways, because of skateboarding my whole life.

• 1:20:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, and you're bisexual, so it's halfway there.

• 1:20:43Mark Normand?

  There you go. I go both ways.

• 1:20:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:20:45Mark Normand?

  And, uh, yeah, it's, it's a great, really, the fun time is cooking the dinner, shitting on the comics, getting drunk, doing drugs. And getting in the hot tub. I gave you a VD.

• 1:20:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:20:54Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:20:55Speaker 04

  Comedian ski trip was the best.

• 1:20:57Mark Normand?

  The best.

• 1:20:57Speaker 04

  Doing nothing for three days, had a show to pay for it.

• 1:21:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we'd put on a bad special, just to shit on it.

• 1:21:03Speaker 04

  It was like, supply, I want to hear these bad jokes.

• 1:21:05Sam Morril?

  Who are you watching?

• 1:21:06Mark Normand?

  We did I Got This at the VU. We can't say, but, uh, yeah, you know, you know the culprits.

• 1:21:12Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah. And just like, it's, it's fun.

• 1:21:18Mark Normand?

  It's a good time.

• 1:21:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, Renesee McZeeDee.

• 1:21:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:21Speaker 04

  Seven in the morning. We all just have a blast. Shane does two runs and then starts drinking.

• 1:21:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, then he cuts it out. Sean Patton, he's so fat, he had to quit, like, halfway through, he had to leave him on the mountain. The helicopter got him.

• 1:21:31Speaker 04

  Oh, he always.

• 1:21:32Sam Morril?

  I watch his show, the FX show.

• 1:21:33Mark Normand?

  It's killer.

• 1:21:34Sam Morril?

  He's amazing, huh?

• 1:21:35Speaker 04

  Yeah. He's a real piece of shit.

• 1:21:36Sam Morril?

  I love him.

• 1:21:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's great.

• 1:21:38Mark Normand?

  He's the comedic relief. It's a well-written show.

• 1:21:41Speaker 04

  Comedic relief on a sitcom, but he really is.

• 1:21:43Mark Normand?

  He made it. And it's actually a really good sitcom, as far as sitcoms go.

• 1:21:46Sam Morril?

  The principal's great, too. The guy from Just Shoot Me.

• 1:21:48Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. There we are, hungover and gay.

• 1:21:51Sam Morril?

  He's rocking a Nate Robinson jersey.

• 1:21:53Speaker 04

  These are all jerseys I found for the ski trip.

• 1:21:55Mark Normand?

  It's a thrift store?

• 1:21:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, any double or triple extra large, I would get it.

• 1:21:59Mark Normand?

  You rocking a Kobe?

• 1:22:00Speaker 04

  Uh, no. Yeah, no, I had a Kobe. I gave it to, from the roast, I gave it to Norman. He's, he's rocking it.

• 1:22:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm down.

• 1:22:09Speaker 04

  I'm rocking a.

• 1:22:10Mark Normand?

  I also hit some hills.

• 1:22:11Speaker 04

  I forget who 23 on Golden State was. It was before.

• 1:22:15Mark Normand?

  Nah, it's Draymond, dude.

• 1:22:16Speaker 04

  It was pre Draymond.

• 1:22:17Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:22:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:22:18Mark Normand?

  CJ Watson?

• 1:22:19Speaker 04

  Fuck, I wish I knew.

• 1:22:20Mark Normand?

  I had a Dirk, Dirk Nowitzki for a while. I don't know.

• 1:22:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, you had the Dirk. Who's not in this? Somebody's not in this.

• 1:22:27Mark Normand?

  Well, Patton's gone, cause he can't, remember he stopped doing the, the skiing, cause he was too, too hurt. Oh, he had Kreischer one year, too.

• 1:22:34Speaker 04

  Kreischer came one year. Yeah, Sal came one year.

• 1:22:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, Big Sal Volcano.

• 1:22:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:22:40Mark Normand?

  Man, we went, what did we do, four or five times?

• 1:22:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was great.

• 1:22:43Mark Normand?

  We'll go again.

• 1:22:44Speaker 04

  We all slept on the condo, like floors and stuff.

• 1:22:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:22:47Speaker 04

  But the first time, nobody was a draw.

• 1:22:49Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:22:49Speaker 04

  Let's just do the show. We did a, this is not happening show, storytelling shows, but it was like, we don't have room for extra rooms.

• 1:22:54Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 1:22:55Speaker 04

  So we just got air mattresses.

• 1:22:57Mark Normand?

  Amazing. Those are good times. We're gonna remember these days when we're old and gay and in a wheelchair.

• 1:23:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, damn. Shane was still paying for merch.

• 1:23:06Mark Normand?

  Shane still had no, he had nowhere to be.

• 1:23:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:23:10Mark Normand?

  Now he's like, I've been eight movies, I'm on an arena tour, I'm in a Bud Light commercial, Under Armour commercial.

• 1:23:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, O'Neal's got the Ben Wallace.

• 1:23:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:23:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, those jerseys hidden to jam to be able to find each other on the mountain.

• 1:23:22Mark Normand?

  Brilliant, brilliant.

• 1:23:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's a good idea. I didn't think about that.

• 1:23:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:23:26Speaker 04

  Get them cheap at thrift stores, just the biggest ones.

• 1:23:29Sam Morril?

  Fun, they're fun.

• 1:23:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:23:30Mark Normand?

  And you see a Philly jersey popping out of a snowbank and you're like, oh, this finance is a fully covered body.

• 1:23:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's fun to build this budget. And then you get like props on like, oh, hey, that. And we're all like, I don't.

• 1:23:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:42Speaker 04

  They were just candy, this budget, too.

• 1:23:44Mark Normand?

  I feel bad. You came to see Nick and then he, he saw you and left.

• 1:23:47Speaker 04

  Damn, what was it?

• 1:23:50Mark Normand?

  He walked 16 floors up.

• 1:23:51Speaker 04

  I was not aware of that.

• 1:23:52Sam Morril?

  You didn't know that?

• 1:23:53Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:23:53Sam Morril?

  I thought he was fucking with him when he texted to me and I was like, haha. And then he was like, no, I'm not kidding, man. I really.

• 1:23:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:58Speaker 04

  He won't take elevators, he'll take random edibles on a mountain?

• 1:24:01Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:24:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:24:06Speaker 04

  Always trust your instincts.

• 1:24:09Speaker 04

  How are you guys doing?

• 1:24:10Mark Normand?

  I'm on two hours of sleep.

• 1:24:11Speaker 04

  Love New York. They said it was fucking, uh, global warming made the winter stop.

• 1:24:15Mark Normand?

  Great.

• 1:24:16Speaker 04

  It's here. It's back.

• 1:24:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's nice, forty degrees. Yeah, Trump's America.

• 1:24:20Speaker 04

  This is Trump's America.

• 1:24:21Sam Morril?

  Is this coming out the day of the Super Bowl?

• 1:24:23Speaker 03

  The eighth? Night?

• 1:24:25Speaker 04

  That's the day of the Super Bowl. Who you got?

• 1:24:28Mark Normand?

  Eagles versus Chiefs, is it? Okay.

• 1:24:30Sam Morril?

  It's hard to bet against the Chiefs.

• 1:24:32Speaker 04

  God, I wanted, God, I wanted the Bills to pull that out.

• 1:24:34Sam Morril?

  I want the Bills to win.

• 1:24:35Speaker 04

  Did you see Allen's breath go out of him when it hit, when they got that last first down?

• 1:24:39Sam Morril?

  Cause the fact that he got that ball off.

• 1:24:41Speaker 04

  He got the ball and it hit him in the hands.

• 1:24:43Sam Morril?

  That guy should have caught.

• 1:24:44Speaker 04

  And also on fourth down, he made that. That was a first.

• 1:24:47Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:24:47Speaker 04

  That was right on the line. Couple of things went against him there, but he just goes like this. He's, he's like this. He's like, his, and then he, and then you just see his puff of smoke as he breathes out his, his fears and his fucking failures.

• 1:24:58Mark Normand?

  Soul.

• 1:24:59Sam Morril?

  It's kinda like going against Brady where you just kinda wish you were in another conference.

• 1:25:03Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:25:04Sam Morril?

  You just wanna get there, cause dude, you have to go through the Ravens and the fucking.

• 1:25:08Speaker 04

  This is legacy. Even the old Bills went to the Super Bowl every year. He's a footnote in twenty years.

• 1:25:13Sam Morril?

  Harder now though, obviously.

• 1:25:14Speaker 04

  Sure, sure. But no one will remember this if you don't go to the show.

• 1:25:17Mark Normand?

  Wait a minute. Did the Eagles play the Chiefs in a Super Bowl two years ago?

• 1:25:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:21Mark Normand?

  I was at that one.

• 1:25:22Sam Morril?

  And the Chiefs won.

• 1:25:22Mark Normand?

  And the Chiefs won.

• 1:25:23Speaker 04

  You went to it?

• 1:25:24Mark Normand?

  With Gillis and Big Jay and Burt. Yeah. And it was a sad, sad state.

• 1:25:32Speaker 04

  And then you're up. Then you, then you, then you just gotta get a field goal. Oh.

• 1:25:36Sam Morril?

  It felt like that Giants throw when Eli broke through and threw it to Tyree, except I fucking caught it.

• 1:25:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:25:41Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 1:25:42Mark Normand?

  This is, this is last night?

• 1:25:44Sam Morril?

  I mean, the fact that he makes it on a, in a receiver's hands. In a receiver's hands.

• 1:25:51Mark Normand?

  Was it a honky?

• 1:25:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:52Mark Normand?

  Ah, fuck me.

• 1:25:54Speaker 04

  He's a, he's Steve Lard, in a receiver's hands.

• 1:25:58Mark Normand?

  Ouch.

• 1:26:00Sam Morril?

  And then there was a flag and they just, yeah, that's sad. It's sad when they're like hugging you like, sorry.

• 1:26:05Speaker 04

  Right then.

• 1:26:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:06Mark Normand?

  What a game.

• 1:26:09Mark Normand?

  Did you hit your wife, Peters? Uh, yeah.

• 1:26:13Sam Morril?

  I did see a black eye out there.

• 1:26:14Speaker 04

  I can understand, I don't say hit your wife, but when you're that mad about a football team and she says just one thing wrong.

• 1:26:23Mark Normand?

  What's that Nick DiPaolo joke? It's like, you never said the N-word? I guess you never bet any money on the, uh, the Magic or something like that.

• 1:26:29Sam Morril?

  That's his fault for betting on the magic.

• 1:26:30Speaker 04

  Dump it to the left, bro. Dump it to the left.

• 1:26:33Sam Morril?

  Look at that.

• 1:26:34Speaker 04

  But no, you had a guy, actually. You hit the right guy.

• 1:26:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, that hurts.

• 1:26:40Sam Morril?

  I'm not saying we could have caught that, but.

• 1:26:42Mark Normand?

  I could have caught that with one hand.

• 1:26:43Speaker 04

  Ten chances, we make a couple of those catches.

• 1:26:45Mark Normand?

  One of these, yep.

• 1:26:46Speaker 04

  He put his hands on it. He wasn't like it over the, he went right to his fuck.

• 1:26:49Mark Normand?

  Big mistake.

• 1:26:51Sam Morril?

  That sucks.

• 1:26:52Mark Normand?

  Damn, all right, we're never gonna see you again.

• 1:26:54Speaker 04

  I know, I'll be back in, uh, back in March for like four days and then April. April I'm back, April.

• 1:26:59Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:26:59Sam Morril?

  Why did you decide to go out like this?

• 1:27:01Speaker 04

  I took from June to December off. And then I gotta go hard, cause I was gonna, wanted to, I.

• 1:27:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but why, but I'm, the question is, why don't you come back in between more?

• 1:27:09Speaker 04

  Oh, well, I scheduled this so I could do press for the special.

• 1:27:11Sam Morril?

  Gotcha.

• 1:27:12Speaker 04

  I scheduled a week in Nashville, week in L.A., week in Austin.

• 1:27:16Mark Normand?

  You're all over my album.

• 1:27:17Sam Morril?

  I'm going hard next month. I'm doing twenty cities next month.

• 1:27:19Mark Normand?

  Twenty?

• 1:27:20Speaker 04

  Twenty cities.

• 1:27:21Sam Morril?

  This month.

• 1:27:22Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:27:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, well, yeah.

• 1:27:24Mark Normand?

  You got the bus.

• 1:27:25Sam Morril?

  Those are ready, but yeah, I got the bus. You could see me in.

• 1:27:26Speaker 04

  You're doing the bus?

• 1:27:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:28Speaker 04

  Who you going with?

• 1:27:29Sam Morril?

  Uh. Veder.

• 1:27:30Speaker 04

  Nice.

• 1:27:31Sam Morril?

  Webb Filman, and we got my tour manager, Brian Hubbard. So we're starting on the 11th here, right?

• 1:27:35Speaker 04

  The booze bags or not?

• 1:27:37Sam Morril?

  They will be for the.

• 1:27:38Speaker 04

  Does Veder drink?

• 1:27:39Mark Normand?

  Barely.

• 1:27:39Sam Morril?

  He will for this tour.

• 1:27:40Speaker 04

  Nice.

• 1:27:40Sam Morril?

  He definitely. Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, and Durham, all in this month.

• 1:27:49Speaker 04

  Oh, I did the Bijou, and, and that's where it was?

• 1:27:51Sam Morril?

  Great Veder.

• 1:27:52Speaker 04

  God damn.

• 1:27:52Sam Morril?

  I would, I would consider, I heard someone else film there, that's why I was like.

• 1:27:55Mark Normand?

  It's good.

• 1:27:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:56Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I would think that would, you're not filming there, are you?

• 1:27:59Sam Morril?

  No, no, no.

• 1:27:59Speaker 04

  But I, that's one of those where you see it, you're like, oh, yeah, I can.

• 1:28:02Sam Morril?

  And the crowds are fucking perfect.

• 1:28:04Speaker 04

  They're happy.

• 1:28:05Mark Normand?

  Dusty Slay filmed there, I think.

• 1:28:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's what it is, yeah. We got New Haven coming up, Providence, a bunch of other ones, Portsmouth, we added a show there, Portland, Maine, Berlin.

• 1:28:12Mark Normand?

  Nice.

• 1:28:13Sam Morril?

  Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo. It goes on and on.

• 1:28:16Speaker 04

  Madison, the Orpheum, they send out paper tickets.

• 1:28:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 1:28:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:20Speaker 04

  It's so old school, that guy. He rules, he can talk to about any musician.

• 1:28:24Sam Morril?

  There's gonna be paper in that room, I'm doing a Monday, so.

• 1:28:26Mark Normand?

  You're doing some tough markets, too.

• 1:28:28Sam Morril?

  Well, you gotta go everywhere, baby.

• 1:28:30Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah, I love it.

• 1:28:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:32Speaker 04

  My bow was good in San Diego.

• 1:28:34Sam Morril?

  Go through my website, please. Don't go by, don't hit me up that tickets are crazy expensive.

• 1:28:39Speaker 04

  Didn't that crazy? People show up and they go, I paid a hundred and eighty dollars for these tickets. I'm like, there's still some left for thirty.

• 1:28:44Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 1:28:45Speaker 04

  What are you doing?

• 1:28:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right?

• 1:28:47Speaker 04

  Go to the guy's website.

• 1:28:49Mark Normand?

  And then they yell at us. Like, we put the prices out. I'm not charging four hundred dollars.

• 1:28:52Sam Morril?

  It's confusing though, because you just, a lot of people just Google.

• 1:28:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, tickets.

• 1:28:55Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:28:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah, just go to our sites.

• 1:28:57Mark Normand?

  Go to Punch Up, for Christ's sake. Hey, I'm in Reno, not bragging. I'm doing a bunch of casino dates to get a nice purse and one night only, I'm out of there.

• 1:29:06Speaker 04

  And who cares about the draw? They don't give a fuck. Anyone there is like, you know, sometimes you're like, don't draw well, you're like, I'm sorry. It goes, I don't care.

• 1:29:12Mark Normand?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 1:29:14Sam Morril?

  Daddy daycare tour, dude.

• 1:29:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. I'll probably lose it all at the craps table, but I'll hit the buffet. Then we're going to Napa, Santa Barbara, Asheville, makeup date for the hurricane, Bristol, Tennessee, New Brunswick, Ithaca, Rochester, Portchester, Albany, Burlington, Wausau? How do you say that? Green Bay, Eugene, San Jose. Well, this goes on and on, so yeah.

• 1:29:39Sam Morril?

  I heard a tell had a line about Eugene once. He called it, that Eugene, Oregon, or the town that makeup forgot.

• 1:29:48Speaker 04

  Not bad.

• 1:29:49Sam Morril?

  Fucking great.

• 1:29:49Mark Normand?

  I think Nike's from there.

• 1:29:51Sam Morril?

  Now they're Portland, aren't they?

• 1:29:52Speaker 04

  Portland, yeah. Right outside Portland, like an hour. You ever go to that store?

• 1:29:55Sam Morril?

  It's not that great.

• 1:29:56Speaker 04

  But you get to shop. You get to just get free stuff.

• 1:29:59Sam Morril?

  You're expecting like cool shit and it's kind of like, they're like, nah, this is our other shit.

• 1:30:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, interesting.

• 1:30:04Sam Morril?

  It's a trek and it ain't great.

• 1:30:05Speaker 04

  It's a trek. And then the amount of money you spend on a cab out there is like, oh, that's like two pairs of shoes already.

• 1:30:11Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:30:12Sam Morril?

  It's a lot.

• 1:30:12Mark Normand?

  Interesting. This is a Jewy conversation.

• 1:30:14Speaker 04

  It could be it. Yeah, it is.

• 1:30:16Sam Morril?

  Sounds right.

• 1:30:16Speaker 04

  I bought a pair of, uh, slips or whatever they're called.

• 1:30:19Mark Normand?

  Vans?

• 1:30:20Speaker 04

  No, the ones you slip on, not slides.

• 1:30:22Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:30:23Speaker 04

  Jordan slides. I took them to Southeast Asia. By country three, they stunk so bad, I just soak them overnight in soapy water, pull them out, they still smell horrible. And I was like, I just gotta dump these.

• 1:30:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:34Speaker 04

  Some Cambodian villager. With, uh, wearing some nice slides. No, no, those are cool though.

• 1:30:39Sam Morril?

  I can't picture even those.

• 1:30:40Speaker 04

  No, those are cool. It was like some light blue.

• 1:30:42Mark Normand?

  Oh, those. Yeah, those absorb weird.

• 1:30:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, it had all the dots on it. That's it. That's it. But in light blue.

• 1:30:48Mark Normand?

  Can you, Anthony Bourdain must have smelled like complete ass.

• 1:30:50Speaker 04

  God, he must have.

• 1:30:52Mark Normand?

  You know.

• 1:30:52Speaker 04

  Eating all that curry.

• 1:30:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:54Speaker 04

  Farting, fucking hookers.

• 1:30:55Sam Morril?

  I watched some Bourdain over the weekend and it's like, man, he's so fucking good.

• 1:30:59Mark Normand?

  He's good.

• 1:31:00Speaker 04

  Cool. He's the cool guy.

• 1:31:01Mark Normand?

  He's a cucumber.

• 1:31:02Sam Morril?

  It is kinda fucked up that we live in a world, no offense to Guy Fieri, but where Bourdain kills himself and Guy Fieri's just like everywhere.

• 1:31:08Mark Normand?

  Thriving.

• 1:31:09Sam Morril?

  It is a little fucked up.

• 1:31:10Mark Normand?

  I always say Bourdain is Guy Fieri with depression.

• 1:31:13Speaker 04

  Yeah. Guy Fieri, it's not too late.

• 1:31:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, kill yourself, will ya?

• 1:31:17Speaker 04

  Please, Guy Fieri, end it all. He looks like, wow, he looks like he ate Burt.

• 1:31:22Mark Normand?

  If he eats one more Boudin ball, he's gonna croak anyway.

• 1:31:24Speaker 04

  He get fat. Damn.

• 1:31:26Sam Morril?

  I was watching one though, I was watching.

• 1:31:28Speaker 04

  He went from Smash Mouth to Smash Burger.

• 1:31:32Mark Normand?

  Way to get it out. That's a good one.

• 1:31:34Sam Morril?

  He, uh, I was watching one Bourdain in Ukraine. He's just fucking, they went through like three bottles of vodka in wars in Ukraine.

• 1:31:40Mark Normand?

  He's a cool dude.

• 1:31:40Sam Morril?

  It was before, it was before the war.

• 1:31:42Mark Normand?

  The war?

• 1:31:44Sam Morril?

  You didn't hear?

• 1:31:45Speaker 04

  Oh, Bourdain smashing vodka. I thought you said Fieri.

• 1:31:48Mark Normand?

  Oh, I think I'm Fieri too.

• 1:31:49Sam Morril?

  Oh, no.

• 1:31:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, he's a, he's an animal. He's cool. You couldn't have a Jew on this tour because the, the Pepto would go through the roof.

• 1:31:55Speaker 04

  I saw this Gaza, Israel one. It was pretty interesting.

• 1:31:57Sam Morril?

  It was good?

• 1:31:58Speaker 04

  Oh, really good. He's just like, I don't know, it seems hopeless. This is them. All the restaurants they had in that, we all looked them up, all, all closed.

• 1:32:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:32:07Speaker 04

  A lot were on the border trying to make peace through food.

• 1:32:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:10Speaker 04

  Didn't work.

• 1:32:12Sam Morril?

  They do have similar menus.

• 1:32:14Speaker 04

  They do have very similar menus. There was a long piece about like who invented the falafel. Was it?

• 1:32:18Sam Morril?

  They can't agree on anything.

• 1:32:19Speaker 04

  Or was it Israel? And then they, he's finally researching, goes, Syria.

• 1:32:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 1:32:24Sam Morril?

  Well, all these places, you just throw down borders where you throw them. So it's like they're eating the same shit.

• 1:32:28Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:32:28Speaker 04

  Same shit.

• 1:32:29Sam Morril?

  Peru, Russia, Ukraine, you got the pierogies, you got the borscht.

• 1:32:32Speaker 04

  I feel like a lot of Russian restaurants just said, we're actually Ukrainian to just get money for, for, for business.

• 1:32:38Sam Morril?

  A little political maneuver.

• 1:32:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:32:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:42Speaker 04

  Where is it?

• 1:32:47Speaker 04

  Where is it? I went to one. It was really good.

• 1:32:49Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:32:50Speaker 04

  And the East Village is a really good one.

• 1:32:51Mark Normand?

  Get the Gaza strip steak?

• 1:32:52Speaker 04

  Israeli food, for sure. Shut the fuck up influencer voice.

• 1:32:58Mark Normand?

  Ayah.

• 1:32:58Speaker 04

  Ayah, I think that might be it. No, that's it. It was really good.

• 1:33:01Sam Morril?

  Gary's gonna make me do this on the road.

• 1:33:03Mark Normand?

  That places the bomb.

• 1:33:04Speaker 04

  Nice.

• 1:33:12Mark Normand?

  Alright, I'm on two hours of sleep. I'm gonna kill my...

• 1:33:14Sam Morril?

  Alright. I wish you came earlier.

• 1:33:15Mark Normand?

  I know, it's good to see you.

• 1:33:16Sam Morril?

  I'm back again.

• 1:33:17Mark Normand?

  Please!

• 1:33:18Speaker 04

  In March or April. Do a full out.

• 1:33:20Mark Normand?

  He did like a tag team. He left, you showed up.

• 1:33:22Speaker 04

  He was great. He really, he was like, "Sweet, I'm out."

• 1:33:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, we kinda ran him ragged. We got all the stories out of him.

• 1:33:28Sam Morril?

  You got him a cab to the airport, right? Okay, good, good. "Hey, we love you guys. We'll see you on the road. Drink Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat Whiskey.com."

• 1:33:35Speaker 04

  New bottle.

• 1:33:35Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah. New me. Comedy.