E565 Bert Kreischer

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and actor known for his shows “Bertcast”, “Something’s Burning” and “2 Bears 1 Cave” with Tom Segura. His new special “Lucky” premieres March 18th on Netflix. Bert Kresicher joins Theo to talk about winning at couples therapy, the long lost pilot he and Theo made years ago, and why his next big project could be a Bollywood music video. Bert Kreischer: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Draftkings: The fun of the basketball season continues with the most fun way to play fantasy sports – Pick 6 from DraftKings. Download the DraftKings Pick Six app NOW and use code THEO. Play $5, get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Better payouts. Bigger wins. Only with Pick6 from DraftKings. The Crown is yours. https://www.draftkings.com/ Moonpay: Looking to get into crypto? Head over to https://Moonpay.com/Theo to sign up. Acorns: Go to http://acorns.com/theo to get a $20 bonus investment when you start saving & investing with Acorns. Shopify: Go to http://shopify.com/theo to sign up for your $1-per-month trial period today. NetSuite: Go to http://netsuite.com/theo to download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning. ------------------------------------------------- Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Help is available for problem gambling. Call (888) 789-7777 or visit ccpg.org (CT). 18+ in most eligible jurisdictions, but other age and eligibility restrictions may apply. Valid only in jurisdictions where DraftKings Pick6 operates. Pick6 not available everywhere, including, but not limited to NY, and CA-ONT (for up-to-date list of jurisdictions please visit pick6.draftkings.com/where-is-pick6-available). Void where prohibited. 1 per new Pick6 customer. $5+ first Pick Set to receive $50 issued as non-withdrawable Pick6 Credits that expire in 14 days (336 hours). Ends 3/31/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Terms: pick6.draftkings.com/promos Sponsored by DraftKings. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Cam https://www.instagram.com/cam__george/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Born in Texas, made in America, that's Valero. Keeping America moving, rain or shine, day or night, 365 days a year. Giving back to our communities and helping businesses thrive. We're proud to fuel the people who keep this country moving. So whether you're exploring new roads or heading down ones you know, we're here, fueling drives coast to coast. Proudly American, proudly getting you where you need to be. Right now, Valero.

• 0:30Theo Von?

  I have some new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in Chicago, Illinois on April 24th at the Wintrust Arena. Fort Wayne, Indiana on April 26th at the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum. And Miami, Florida on May 10th at the Casaya Center. All tickets at theovon.com/TOUR. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, a podcaster, an actor. You know him from his shows Burt Cast and Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura. He's got a new special coming out on Netflix called Lucky, which premieres March 18th. I'm grateful to have my friend, The Machine, here today.

• 1:14Theo Von?

  Mr. Burt Kreischer.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. I could do it in five minutes.

• 1:40Theo Von?

  You wanted to do it?

• 1:41Speaker 02

  A buddy. It's part of what I'm working on in therapy.

• 1:45Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:45Speaker 02

  Let people have their own thing.

• 1:47Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, I get my fingers in everything. And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay? And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up. That's how I did it with both my girls. Then we go to a subtle decline and we do it that way with feet up the whole way. Then we put the pedals back on, teach him how to pedal. So easy.

• 2:05Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, riding a bike, the toughest thing I remember. Well, first, some guy who's teaching, you don't know him usually. In my neighborhood, you didn't know him. It was like some dude's dad, we'd be out there drinking or something. He's like, I'll teach this little whatever, you know? You're like, well, that's not, that's a

• 2:21Speaker 02

  That's not how it works at all.

• 2:23Theo Von?

  Well, yeah.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Usually you definitely know the guy.

• 2:25Theo Von?

  Well, yeah, but yes, but a lot of times you also don't know you, some people, some places, you don't know the guy, right? Or if your dad isn't there or whatever. So there's some guy who sets his beer down. He's like, I'll teach this little mother.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  I almost did that off front.

• 2:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. That tracks.

• 2:39Theo Von?

  Yeah. So then then that guy like, so now suddenly there's some guy teaching, you don't even know or whatever. And then they get you going, right? And that part's good, but the scary part is then you realize you have to steer. And that's where a lot of people just bank right into a fence.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  Twice, you have to pedal and steer. And it's, and it's, it's counterintuitive. My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going, like pedals off, gliding, pedals back on, here we go. And boom, hit a BMW, hard as shit, over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood. And I was like, God. So then

• 3:16Theo Von?

  Oh, my God.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  She goes, I'm good, Dad. Second time we get her, she hits a trash can right away. I'm like, God dang. And then third time she hit a fire hydrant, and then we realized she needed glasses.

• 3:25Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, we had to get her glasses. She's dyslexic, too. She hits so much shit. We got a video of her. She, she's just, that kid has been, are we rolling? Are we good?

• 3:36Theo Von?

  Huh? I don't know. Are we?

• 3:37Speaker 02

  Oh, you're good.

• 3:37Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  We were, that kid rolled the dice on life so much, so much. Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this? She would, she would do that. That's how she rode a bike. She liked her stomach just drop. So she'd go

• 3:54Speaker 02

  and Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet and Isla did it and then went over the handlebars. And this is the cutest video. Georgia looks at me, Dad, I got it.

• 4:02Theo Von?

  Cap to the footage?

• 4:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was great.

• 4:04Theo Von?

  Wow, you guys are a footage family. You've always been kind of a footage family then.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it was before content, really.

• 4:11Theo Von?

  Right.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Like, I mean, we, you know, I got an Instagram to not to, for professional reasons. I got Instagram to keep up with people I knew in high school and college. And then you're like, oh, in comics, cool. No one was posting videos of like promo videos.

• 4:25Theo Von?

  No.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  And, um, and then I shared everything about my family on everything. I remember the first time I realized maybe I was oversharing is I posted our Christmas card on on Instagram. And someone hit me up, guy we both know that we respect hit me up and he was like, dude, what are you doing? I was like, and it got like a million likes. And I was like, you know, I don't know, you get addicted to the likes. You're like, noise. Fucking killed it. And then you don't realize your kids, that all their friends see that. And then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in. But that was, I was, we were creating content, not knowing what we were doing.

• 4:57Theo Von?

  Oh, I see what you're saying. Like you were, like maybe you were putting things that might have been too personal out there, you mean?

• 5:01Speaker 02

  Way too personal.

• 5:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:02Speaker 02

  Wait, I mean, I talked about I was period on one of my specials.

• 5:04Theo Von?

  Oh, and you weren't there for the first period or whatever, were you? Oh, my God. And we got, you got in like candles or whatever, huh?

• 5:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, we did. Hang on. Yeah. Dude, as a comic, okay? You, certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good. That's gotta go on stage. Like something happens and you're like, this. It's like, I did just, it's a, I don't know if it's like a, I don't know, like if it's a neediness or whatever it is. But she got her period. And I mean, I talked about on a special, but she called me from school and she's like, yo, it happened. I was like, yeah. She's like, I go, what do you need? Like new socks or like, does she's like, you know, new panties, new pants, new whatever. She goes, no, go to, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I was like, huh? She goes, we're throwing a period party. And I was like.

• 5:51Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  I was like, okay.

• 5:53Theo Von?

  Be positive, huh?

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Immediately as we were, as, as the night went through, and by the way, I put it on all social media because it's funny and no one, no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know? And you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing. And then I live the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off. Social media. Maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday. I was like, good call, a 10 year old or 12 year old, whatever you are.

• 6:16Theo Von?

  God, I don't know if people, I mean, I guess people trying to remember. I think if somebody got their period in our neighborhood, people would just start calling them a whore or whatever. You know, like, I think people were just, yeah, people were were more vulgar in our area, I think. You know, if anything happened, it was everybody always made you feel ashamed no matter what happened to you, you know?

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Oh, okay. Yeah, I've I've been talking about shame a lot in therapy.

• 6:40Theo Von?

  Have you been? Yeah, you just said, well, you just said that you you saw somebody who was trying to teach her kid to ride a bike. Because I heard something going on out there. I heard something that sounded kind of Mexican or whatever happened outside.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  It was very Mexican.

• 6:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:51Theo Von?

  I heard like something kind of Mexican happened outside earlier and I was like, oh, I wonder what's going on, but I'm not going to get involved. I got to work right now. But you came in, you said you saw a mom teaching a kid to ride a bike.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:01Theo Von?

  And you were going to get involved.

• 7:02Speaker 02

  I wanted to get involved.

• 7:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  And I just was like, no, this is their life. What am I doing? Like, what part, what need do I have to jump in, make it an event, event like, ah, and then, I don't know. So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy, too. Just like removing myself, slowing down, listening. Yeah, well, Leanne and I are in couples therapy.

• 7:20Theo Von?

  Oh, y'all are?

• 7:21Speaker 02

  It's awesome.

• 7:22Theo Von?

  No way.

• 7:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm I'm fucking killing her. Like, I've won, I've won three, she's only won two.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  I'm smoking her, dude. The very first therapy, the very first therapy, the therapist, like, I was just, I just, I didn't, like, we went into couples therapy in a good place. We're in a good place, but the girls both went to college, we're spending a lot of time together, you know, and like, I just, both of us were like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived. I've always been on the road, home Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday. And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from stand up right now, so I'm taking like a year off. And we're just around each other so much, we're like, maybe we should, like, just be in front of it in case something happens.

• 8:05Theo Von?

  Right, like, see what's going on.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, the first therapy, the therapist, Leanne interrupted me and the therapist goes, now, you know me, right? He goes, does he ever talk?

• 8:19Speaker 02

  I was like, oh, this is awesome. She's got, I'm got, Leanne got crossed up. She's like on her heels. Like, wait, what the fuck? He won't shut the fuck. He's just not talking now. I never fuck. Like, it was like, oh, yeah. He's badass.

• 8:31Theo Von?

  Damn, dude. Who, who picked the therapist? That's the thing that happens a lot of times is with couples, I think you get, if you picked a therapist and it's almost like that's your, you have like, um, you know, like the insider trading on the referees or whatever, you know?

• 8:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. She picked the therapist.

• 8:45Theo Von?

  She did?

• 8:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm not, I'm never gonna find a therapist.

• 8:47Theo Von?

  Yeah. And was it weird? And one of the things they said in there was that you gotta let people do their thing?

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Yes. I need to slow down. I have FOMO. I want to be involved in everything. I wanna like, I just.

• 8:59Theo Von?

  I get, I feel like I've done too much just looking at you. Like, if I look at you, I'm like, oh, fuck, I gotta sit down for a minute.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  Dude, I get, when I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I gotta go downstairs. I go, what, what are we doing? Hang on, we're playing with the dogs? I want to be a part of that.

• 9:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Like, dude, I, and I, my day starts early and it just, I, I slam it. Cause if I have any downtime, I get in my head, I get on my phone. I don't, it's just not positive. And so I pack my days. I had a therapist tell me one time you have FOMO.

• 9:27Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.

• 9:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, that, well, I mean, it's just crazy. You would, yeah, I guess you hear something, you wanna go see it. You wanna be a part of it. You wanna know what's going on.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. Like, when, when you got sober, did that change? Cause there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go, hey, man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home.

• 9:50Theo Von?

  Oh, no, I just didn't, I, what, the best thing that happened from that was at, at like 11:30 or midnight, I was like, I'm fucking heading home. So you just didn't end up like in the retardation hours, you know? You didn't end up fucking, you know, sneaking into somebody's house through an air van or some fucking shit, or some dude tricking, trying to trick you into being gay or whatever, you know?

• 10:11Speaker 02

  I'm so glad. When I hear you talk like that, I go, I definitely don't have a problem. I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.

• 10:18Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, have you seen, there's a great, um, meth tribute video where.

• 10:24Theo Von?

  A guy shows up through a floor air vent in somebody's trailer. That shit was something else. Dude, when I was a kid, my buddy Jeff, he had like a lot of violent tendencies or whatever. I don't know what happened to him, but he would get so angry, his parents would send him to his room and he would beat the drywall out of the walls in his room. And every year for Christmas, they would get the drywall redone in his room.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  Oh, that's very sweet of them.

• 10:47Theo Von?

  And he would listen to that song, "You gotta keep them separated."

• 10:55Speaker 02

  I just met those dudes.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  Do you know that they got, they said, I was talking to the, uh, to Dexter and, uh, and fucking Slinky. It's not Slinky.

• 11:07Theo Von?

  Noodles?

• 11:07Speaker 02

  What? Noodles, Dexter and Noodles. And they said, you know, that, uh, a lot of white supremacists, uh, adopted that song.

• 11:13Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. You know another song white supremacists adopted? These boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do. But the white supremacists, one of these days these boots are gonna

• 11:25Theo Von?

  Walk all over you.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Jews.

• 11:27Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  Stop. Yeah.

• 11:29Theo Von?

  Damn.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  There's a, yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that in, uh, the old school. You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos?

• 11:36Theo Von?

  Hmm. They didn't do, they didn't do a music video, did they?

• 11:40Speaker 02

  I don't think so.

• 11:41Theo Von?

  I haven't seen that if they did.

• 11:42Speaker 02

  There would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan and he's like, "So I'd like to talk to your son." And he's like, "So do you have a problem with black people?"

• 11:52Theo Von?

  Oh, what are you talking about, dude?

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Louis Theroux.

• 11:54Theo Von?

  Oh, Louis Theroux, yeah.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  And then he'd go to like their fucking, their big barn and they're burning his cross and he's like, "I feel a little uncomfortable. This isn't really my cup of tea."

• 12:04Theo Von?

  Oh, the cross is a little warm. Can you turn down the heat?

• 12:07Speaker 02

  I'm a little close to the cross. Can, we do smaller crosses, maybe spread them out evenly by the tables, kinda like a heat lamp.

• 12:15Theo Von?

  He goes, "Actually, my wife's a bit cold. Could you spark up a small cross near her?"

• 12:20Speaker 02

  Do you think that was the first cross burning? They're like, "Well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side." So like, let's get, spread it out. Like the fire's too centralized.

• 12:30Theo Von?

  Well, I think that's why you, that's probably why they burn across. It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  I don't understand. I mean, I'm sure it's ominous to see a cross burning in your front yard, but I'd be, if I saw that and I'm like two in the morning, I'd be like, fucking sweet.

• 12:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  I'm like, nice. I believe in God.

• 12:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  Fuck. Yeah.

• 12:49Theo Von?

  I was like, oh damn, we got a mega death rally happening. We are, what is this?

• 12:54Speaker 03

  Our organization is just.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  You interviewed that dude?

• 12:58Theo Von?

  Yeah, fascinating guy.

• 13:01Speaker 02

  He did Kurt and Courtney too, I think. He's done a lot of documentaries.

• 13:06Theo Von?

  He's done a ton.

• 13:06Speaker 02

  But he does like gossip documentaries, you know?

• 13:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's always, and it's a lit, it was almost a li-

• 13:16Speaker 04

  Will the skinhead in the crowd please leave the media thing? How about Elijah? Could be handy for cross burnings.

• 13:22Speaker 03

  I don't, that's not, that's not cool. Can't use a bic lighter for a cross.

• 13:26Speaker 04

  No?

• 13:27Speaker 03

  No, you have to use a torch or something.

• 13:28Speaker 04

  How come?

• 13:30Theo Von?

  Can't use a bic lighter for a cross burning.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  Hang on, hang on, let's, hang on, pick that apart. That is fucking hilarious. If they've built the cross, it's covered in fucking kerosene and you see a guy. At the bottom, I can't get it. Hang on, it's too windy. Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the Comedy Store.

• 13:48Theo Von?

  Hey, somebody come stand like this.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  And it's a bunch of guys go like this.

• 13:53Theo Von?

  Dude, one time I was at this party out in Franklin, Tennessee, and they had like a huge bonfire, right? And so they were, and they had one black guy that was at the party, right? And they sent him to pour the gasoline on all of this hu- I mean, it was a huge pile, six you had to climb up. I mean, it was humongous. It was probably-

• 14:10Speaker 02

  A little gas goes a long way.

• 14:13Theo Von?

  I agree. And it was forty feet wide and probably twenty feet high, this pile. And I was like, and there was American flags everywhere. I was like, you cannot send the one bla- I was like, if anything happens right there.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:23Theo Von?

  This looks absolute-

• 14:25Speaker 02

  It's like being with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven. Can you climb in and see if you can get it out? You're like, no, fuck no.

• 14:31Theo Von?

  Well, that's why Jews invented the self-cleaning oven, dude.

• 14:36Theo Von?

  They're like, we're not doing that, true. We're not falling for that again.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  Oh, oh fuck.

• 14:42Theo Von?

  They're gonna make us take that out probably. They can't huh?

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Well unless the Jews actually invented the self cleaning oven then it's just fucking.

• 14:50Theo Von?

  That was just, that's just factual information. Dude, I can't, so I can't believe you're in therapy, so that's going on.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, I like it.

• 14:58Theo Von?

  You do?

• 14:58Speaker 02

  I didn't do therapy, I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much. Meaning Two Bears, Burghast, Something's Burning, and Tor. So every day I'm talking like four hours a day. And I was like, I just was losing my voice like crazy. I was like, I can't talk. I just don't physically want to talk anymore. And then, and then when I took time off, I was like, like the second I took time off, like my first week, I got really depressed. So I was like, I don't know.

• 15:22Theo Von?

  Really?

• 15:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:24Theo Von?

  But are you able to figure out like what that depression?

• 15:27Speaker 02

  It's not torrent.

• 15:28Theo Von?

  Oh, it's just not, not being on the go?

• 15:30Speaker 02

  Not being, not being, not being on the go, not having something going, not like, hey, we gotta pack you up, we gotta get you to, we're going out to Boston, you're doing the thing.

• 15:37Theo Von?

  But you already have, you've done so much, like, don't you worry that burn, like continuing to burn it at that speed would burn you out, or maybe you just don't get burned out?

• 15:45Speaker 02

  No, I don't get burnt, I don't get burned out. What was happening to me was creative. Creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out.

• 15:54Theo Von?

  Oh yeah.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  And so I was like, I gotta, like I got done this last hour, this premiering on Netflix, March 18th, I think 18th, so let me check that. Um, uh, Lucky, and, and I, when I got done doing that hour, I feel like I, you know how like when we, you know how when you start a new hour? You scrap everything and then you go to your joke, but you go, I got like 20 minutes.

• 16:13Theo Von?

  Right.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  I, for this special, I dumped everything. Fucking seven minute stories, turned it into a three minute story. I dumped everything, I just piled this, my first four minutes was initially like 10 minutes and I crammed it. So I wanted to be good because it's like, you know, it's like my sixth special, so I don't want people to think I got lazy. But then when I got done, I was like, yo, I, I need to, I need to write, and I was like, my girls are in college, I'm with Leanne all the time. Like, what am I talking about? Like, who am I? What am I gonna, like, and so I was like, I'm taking time off, but my first week, I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just like depressed. Looking at people touring, having fun, looking at like.

• 16:49Theo Von?

  So severely just that. Fear of missing out.

• 16:52Speaker 02

  Missing out, man, like I just, I love the energy and, and we pulled Fully Loaded from the summer to give me time off to do the, this thing.

• 16:59Theo Von?

  This summer?

• 16:59Speaker 02

  This summer, it was, we do Fully Loaded every summer and it's so fucking fun.

• 17:03Theo Von?

  Oh, those videos, I would always get envious of those, seeing all the pictures at the gorges and stuff like that and you guys are just having a blast. I would always feel like such a loser that I wasn't doing it or I wasn't some of those places.

• 17:13Speaker 02

  You're just like, can't afford you.

• 17:14Theo Von?

  I don't know about that.

• 17:15Speaker 02

  There wasn't, there was a second where I could have gotten you and Schultz, where the two like, two kind of like white whales. It would have been, it would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis.

• 17:24Theo Von?

  Mark Norman.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  Mark Norman, Santino, like it would have been, it's, it's, it's such a fun group. Whitney, Nikki, uh, it's such a fun, Big J, Dan Soder, it's so fun. And, um, Schultz called me directly and he was like, I got your offer and I respectfully declined, but then his agent was like, you can't afford him. And I was like, okay, I get it. But you want your friends to blow up. It would have been cool, but it's like, you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something.

• 17:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, or sometimes it's also just a time cut. It's like, since we've been podcasting more, just takes so much time. And then I have to do it here and Nashville. It's just like the back and forth.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  That's why, that's why I said this when we were in, um, I apologize to interrupt.

• 18:00Theo Von?

  And your own touring. So it's like, you have your own tour. It's like, last year, I don't know. I maybe had two weekends where I did something for myself that, that I wanted to do that wasn't work, which is fine, cause I like working, but, um.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  I like working too. They say, do you have a hobby? And I go, like podcasts. No, like, do you have a hobby? I go, shoot, content. Like, no, like a hobby. I go, I'm working on a movie.

• 18:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 18:22Speaker 02

  And they're like, no, what do you do for fun? I go like, collect rocks? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Like, look at toads, take pictures of animals. Well, I don't, who, who the fuck does that?

• 18:30Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. Sometimes people will be like, you gotta get a hobby. And I'm like, well, some of my hobbies became work. And so they're still my hobbies. They're just more, it just like, you're just super involved with them, I guess. I guess I could get a nice hobby.

• 18:44Speaker 02

  Like what?

• 18:45Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Like, think about like.

• 18:47Theo Von?

  Walking with a friend.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Top 10 hobbies.

• 18:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  Walking with a friend is not a hobby.

• 18:51Theo Von?

  It isn't?

• 18:51Speaker 02

  Because immediately I go, why don't we turn it into a podcast? Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting, okay? And so let's scrap, like, ignore that podcasting is a business. When are me and you gonna get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out? With, and go, you can't answer your phone, can't look at your phone, let's just talk.

• 19:09Theo Von?

  For the rest of our lives, probably never till we're older.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  Or, or if I, if you have something you want to promote, maybe we can do it over at my house. But it's like, it's kind of fucked up. I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour. I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes, got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Barker, you know, Jelly, it's like, I see Jelly, Jelly's a little different. I see him and I end up spending a lot of time with him.

• 19:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, he, he's somehow so, he finds, he's so accessible in a weird way.

• 19:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, but, but podcasting, I don't look at that as work. I look at it as opportunity to hang out with my friends, you know? And, and, and get to know other people, other men.

• 19:43Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:44Theo Von?

  And I think a lot of people maybe don't get as much time of that. And so that's why they listen to podcasts too. It's like.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  Ooh.

• 19:51Theo Von?

  You know, a lot of people don't.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  I like what you said.

• 19:53Theo Von?

  Maybe they don't get as much time of that, as that. So that's why they listen, they're listening more to podcasts. I think some of this is why I listen, it's like, oh, I want to hear a conversation about this thing.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:01Theo Von?

  And so that's what I'm listening to, where I want to hear about a conversation that's funny.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan.

• 20:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  Together.

• 20:08Theo Von?

  So you gotta hear.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  I never, I never do. So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talk. They, they have smart brains in a different way than me. Like, I'll never think the way they think.

• 20:16Theo Von?

  No, they're the best.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  Dude.

• 20:18Theo Von?

  Tim Dillon is so original, it's unbelievable.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  He is my favorite gossip in the world.

• 20:24Theo Von?

  He had this bit about the other day on, um, on, it was a social reel. And it was like about the fires and how somebody hired private security to protect their, private firemen to protect their ice cream shop or whatever. It was like, all these places are burning, but the fucking Maui Peach Sorbet was fucking saved or whatever.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  You were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy? The Maui Peach Sorbet?

• 20:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think if you do this.

• 20:52Speaker 02

  You're doing this all the time, like you're selling fancy to me?

• 20:55Theo Von?

  Well, I think I was trying to think of something fancy and this helped me.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know, this, this little movement right here, just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice.

• 21:05Speaker 02

  Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're gonna like it. I put sprinkles on it.

• 21:10Theo Von?

  That's like, who had that joke if you call something Mexican in front of it? It just makes it so much better, dude.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  No, oh, wait, not what I thought.

• 21:17Theo Von?

  Really? Oh, you thought worse?

• 21:19Speaker 02

  I was at, I was at, you know, the Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica Pier?

• 21:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  The lady comes up to me and my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, oh, no, thank you. What, do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down and shit in our mouths? No, thanks, I think we'll pass. Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking, like, well, you want a Mexican blowjob? You're like, hold on, what are we doing here? Like, it's like the, the donkey show. Did you ever see a donkey show?

• 21:45Theo Von?

  I never saw it. I don't want to get involved with that. I have a good relationship with the outdoor, outdoor animals. I don't want to get like that. Yeah, this is this clip right here.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Oh, I love that he's.

• 21:55Theo Von?

  You can play it from right there, it's fun.

• 21:56Speaker 05

  That little Palisades Village? I'm glad it's still there, I am. I'm glad that guy brought in his own water. And fucking was like, yeah, we're, we're not losing, what's the fucking McConnell's? We're not losing that ice cream place.

• 22:17Speaker 05

  There's people burning alive in the street. He's like, yeah, we're not losing McConnell's, what are you nuts? It's a good ice cream, Santa Barbara strawberry is a great flavor, what are you nuts? What's that other sushi place? Is it Blue Ribbon? It's good, yeah, fuck yeah. The fucking.

• 22:37Speaker 05

  It's just hilarious to be a billionaire and to go, we're bringing in water?

• 22:43Speaker 05

  And we're bringing in our own firefighters. And then the firefighters show up, they're like, all right, who do we save? And you're like, what? Get, get the fuck in front of Blue Ribbon Sushi. Right now, you have any fucking mind, you piece of shit? Who do we save? The Tiger Roll, that's a fucking, get in front of Blue Ribbon Sushi.

• 23:04Theo Von?

  That's good.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  I, what impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour.

• 23:12Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  Once a week. Have you ever tried that?

• 23:15Theo Von?

  For one hour e- every day?

• 23:17Speaker 02

  No, have you ever, no, once a week, he does his show, once a week. And, uh.

• 23:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I?

• 23:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, he was solo for the first couple of years, just him talking.

• 23:28Theo Von?

  And then my brain, I ran out of anything. I don't even know now of just like a fucking thoroughfare for other people's bullshit. And I was like, it used to be, I used to have some of my own ideas. Now it's just fucking nothing.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  You know, I think you used to have your own ideas. You know, I always say to people, I always say to people,

• 23:46Speaker 02

  hey, wait, were you, you were using drugs when we did that fraternity pilot?

• 23:51Theo Von?

  Let me think. Oh, remember that thing, dude?

• 23:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I tried to buy it.

• 23:55Theo Von?

  That pilot?

• 23:56Speaker 02

  Huh.

• 23:57Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:57Speaker 02

  Cause I think Bun and Murray's collapsed, right?

• 23:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think, yeah, I don't know what happened yet, but cause the pilot was what it was, three guys were going back to college. It was kind of based on.

• 24:07Speaker 02

  Old school.

• 24:07Theo Von?

  Old school.

• 24:08Speaker 02

  I think it was called old school.

• 24:09Theo Von?

  Three guys were going back to college, was that it?

• 24:11Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no. Me, you and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity.

• 24:14Theo Von?

  Starting a fraternity.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  For people out of college.

• 24:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  And man, we did not think that through.

• 24:17Theo Von?

  No.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  We just put it in fucking Craigslist, right?

• 24:20Theo Von?

  Yeah, remember that one guy finally kissed that hooker or whatever in his fucking glasses steamed up? Remember Ernie?

• 24:29Theo Von?

  Remember that guy? Dude, a couple of those guys.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  Hold on, you're underselling, you're underselling what we did. Have we talked about this? Hold on. So it was, I was just gonna set the scene, cause this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.

• 24:43Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  Me, you and Brett Ernst.

• 24:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 02

  We were the hosts and executive producers. So if, you don't remember that?

• 24:50Theo Von?

  I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  Well, I, I think it might have, if I'm not mistaken, I think I was, I might have been the one that was like, cause I had like headsets in and I was talking to producers and it was all our ideas. So we were like, all right, we're gonna get these out, put it in Craigslist. We'll get a fucking party bus, put it in Craigslist. If we get anyone that applies, we'll take them. We had no fucking background checks, none. Do you remember that?

• 25:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, I remember. Remember that one guy showed up?

• 25:14Speaker 02

  PTSD.

• 25:15Theo Von?

  Oh, oh, yeah.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  He had PTSD and he'd wake up in the middle of the night and marine crawl around the fucking house to check the perimeter.

• 25:21Theo Von?

  All right, do you remember that guy?

• 25:22Speaker 02

  The little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking. In the garbage can and we couldn't get him out?

• 25:27Theo Von?

  Well, that guy was a ninja, remember? He was a full-time ninja, he said, and we're like, where?

• 25:30Speaker 02

  He was a full-time fucking ninja.

• 25:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  And then there was the guy you championed and you were trying to get laid. He made out with a chick, his team, dude, dude, one dude cheated on his wife. And he was like, I think I just ruined my life. And we're like, ah, and so, hold on, hold on. This is the best is we wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks. So we just hired prostitutes.

• 25:50Theo Von?

  Yes. We hired real prostitutes, dude. And that one guy.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Everyone was getting laid, but it was because we paid for this. Everyone was like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band?

• 26:01Theo Von?

  Uh-uh.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  D O.

• 26:03Theo Von?

  Oh, was it, was it that all female band?

• 26:05Speaker 02

  With tape over their nipples and their pussies.

• 26:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, Harlow, wasn't that their name?

• 26:09Speaker 02

  You remember their name?

• 26:10Theo Von?

  I think that was them.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Google them, Harlow. They, they would, they had Jack Daniels and pillows. And they created a pillow flight, feather, feathers went everywhere and they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths.

• 26:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  That's how the pilot opened. My name's Bert Kreischer, me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity. It's gonna get wild. And the girl spit vodka in my mouth and I was like, I'm married with two kids. Dude, that was, is that, no, that's not.

• 26:32Theo Von?

  I don't know if that was them. Harlow was a girl band, I thought. Oh, that's them.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  That's them.

• 26:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, they were cute.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  They were fucking killer.

• 26:42Theo Von?

  They were hot too, dude.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  I remember the, I remember the executive producer came out to the pool. All the prostitutes are naked. They're all in the pool. I'm in the pool with, in pajamas. And everyone's, and the producer, one of the executives goes, I can't use any of this. I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you wanna hear something? I was like, what's that? And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off. He goes, put them on. I go, what is that? And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom.

• 27:08Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, dude, I hope it was me, dude. I'm trying to remember what happened.

• 27:13Speaker 02

  Were you using drugs at the time?

• 27:15Theo Von?

  I don't know. I hope I was. It was a fucking blast, dude.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  I mean, that.

• 27:19Theo Von?

  I don't know if I needed drugs at the time. That sounds amazing.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head?

• 27:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 27:26Speaker 02

  I mean, we fucking beat up those lesbians. It was the fucking wildest show ever.

• 27:31Theo Von?

  One of them fucking asked for it, dude.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  The big one asked for it, yes.

• 27:35Theo Von?

  The little one, sure, a victim. I'll say that.

• 27:38Speaker 02

  That was the greatest pilot I've ever been a part of.

• 27:42Theo Von?

  I forgot about that.

• 27:43Speaker 02

  That's when, that's when, I mean like.

• 27:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, we showed up at some, at a, at a place, we stole that fucking goat, put him on that bus. And he started shitting in the back of the bus, and the only person that would go back there and care for him. It was some like, um, he was like a third generation veterinarian or something, that one really white kid.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:01Theo Von?

  And people kept giving it beer and stuff.

• 28:03Speaker 02

  And we stole the wrong goat.

• 28:04Theo Von?

  We did?

• 28:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, we had, we had an address that we were gonna pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them. Like, production wise. So we pulled over to piss. And the fucking Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid? Is his name Killian?

• 28:17Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  I think he was a comic.

• 28:20Theo Von?

  Uh, Killian? No, Killian is just the name of a beer.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  I thought that was his name.

• 28:25Theo Von?

  Uh, uh, Seamus.

• 28:28Speaker 02

  Seamus? Seamus?

• 28:31Theo Von?

  It wasn't him. It was a fellow named Seamus. I think he probably passed. I don't know if he passed.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Couple of them, a lot of those guys are dead.

• 28:37Theo Von?

  Seamus O'Farrell, is that him?

• 28:38Speaker 02

  A lot of guys that were in that pilot died.

• 28:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Cause I was in a Facebook group with them. And like, the big guy, or like, the big guy, he passed. He had two kids.

• 28:46Theo Von?

  Oh, did he?

• 28:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, he was a fucking.

• 28:48Theo Von?

  He had two lunches too, I remember that. He fucking, he did not make it that long. I was like, dude, you can't have two lunches. Cause he would have lunch and then wait a little while and pretend like he hadn't had lunch, I remember.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  He's like, wait, were they serving?

• 29:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  We're like, yeah. What are they serving? Like, you just ate it.

• 29:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. It was just that reverse, he would use reverse psychology with his own stomach or whatever.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Come on, that was the funnest, I, I always say like.

• 29:13Theo Von?

  Forgot about that.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  That was, like, it's like, you know when you, you know when you discover someone, like, when, like, um, uh, I'm thinking of the best example is like, Cam Patterson, right? Like, I, my, um, my wife's friends, uh, their kids are in high school. And they came to one of my shows and they're like, have you seen Cam Patterson? At the time, I hadn't. And then, I was like, no. And then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him and I was like, oh, he's funny.

• 29:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  That moment, we all have it for comics. And I've heard, I've heard for a very long time, watch people discover you, when you, they go, dude, do you know Theo Von? But I had to discover you too. Like, right? I got to find that you were funny too.

• 29:52Theo Von?

  Right.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  And I always say, it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you, just like. Like, everything you were saying was like, so fucking funny. That and

• 30:01Theo Von?

  Thanks, man.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  Oh, no, that and fucking Reality Bites Back. I've always said that, like, that finale, Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life.

• 30:11Theo Von?

  Really?

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Oh, my god. You were dropping dimes when we were all sitting in the bleachers. I was crying laughing. I've never laughed harder in my fucking life.

• 30:21Theo Von?

  Damn.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Where I was like, this guy, everything you said was fucking hysterical. And you're in a room full of killers.

• 30:28Theo Von?

  Killers in there.

• 30:29Speaker 02

  Oh, killers.

• 30:30Theo Von?

  It was so much fun. Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  Do you remember when Donnell, we were in the car, and Donnell said to Mo Mandell? Because Mo, Mo is like, I love Mo. I love Mo. I'm not shitting on Mo. But Mo was younger than everyone, so he was like, trying.

• 30:43Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 02

  He was trying the whole time.

• 30:45Theo Von?

  It's that energy you do when you're young, too. You get put in a place, you try to, yeah, you try.

• 30:49Speaker 02

  And he goes, uh, Donnell's in front of the van. He goes, "Mo, has anyone ever told you you're funny?" And Mo goes, "Of course." And he goes, "Name one person." And Mo goes, "My mom." And we fell out of the fucking van. Donnell goes, "Your mom doesn't count, Mo. Your mom doesn't fucking count." Oh, god.

• 31:11Theo Von?

  Dude, oh, there's my boy right there. He just had his second child, I think.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  He's selling TV shows. He's doing great.

• 31:17Theo Von?

  Mo's a creative dude, man.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  He is a very creative dude. Look at Schumer. Holy shit. I am hurt, and I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls. Look at how loud my voice is. Start laughing, it looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.

• 31:30Theo Von?

  My name's Theo Von, and this fifty thousand dollars would mean that I could get out of debt.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  Listen to our voices.

• 31:35Theo Von?

  If we put a down payment on a better apartment, or an apartment in general.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  It looks the most like an eighty-year-old black man in their picture.

• 31:44Theo Von?

  Donnell, what?

• 31:46Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 31:47Theo Von?

  Look at you, Berg.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  I worked so hard in my career, fuck, still the Pita House.

• 31:56Theo Von?

  Oh shit, do you remember this? Pause it up. That's when we threw those Mexican cabbage patch kids. They dyed them Mexican because they weren't, the Mexican ones have been discontinued or whatever. Yeah. Or, how do you say cabbage in Spanish? Cabage. Cabage, Cabage Niños. So we had these fucking Cabage Niños, right? And we're just like, you have to throw 50 of them over this fence. Like it was gonna be hard for fucking adult men to do that, bro. We were humming those bitches over there. And remember China showed up? She was the wrestling woman? Oh yeah. And she was all geeked up on pills or something. And she, she was supposed to, as they went over the fence, somebody was supposed to shoot them down with like a, uh, some sort of a, a paintball gun or something. I was like, what are we doing?

• 32:39Theo Von?

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• 33:19Theo Von?

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• 33:59Theo Von?

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• 34:21Speaker 07

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• 34:47Theo Von?

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• 35:32Theo Von?

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• 36:17Theo Von?

  such as Exodus, Phantom, MetaMask, or Trust Wallet. This isn't financial advice. Trading crypto carries risks, and you could lose your investment. Moonpay is here to facilitate, not advise.

• 36:31Speaker 02

  Dude, the, my favorite one?

• 36:35Speaker 02

  I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this video is we did So You Think You Could Dive.

• 36:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 36:42Speaker 02

  And you said, everyone practiced diving all week and you're like, I'm good. I already know what I'm doing. And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10 meter or like the five meter. It was high as shit.

• 36:54Theo Von?

  I went up there.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  In a wheelchair. I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart. And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you got, and you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off, that you were going face first and you fucking landed on your stomach so hard, came up.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  That was the fucking, please tell me you have it. You have it? Oh, shut the fuck up.

• 37:22Theo Von?

  Really?

• 37:23Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 37:24Theo Von?

  Wow, look how young we were. Bert, look at you.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  Look at this. This is when all I did was hit on, I hit on Greg.

• 37:30Theo Von?

  Greg Lou Ganis the whole time.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  And then he got pissed because he found out I was married.

• 37:35Theo Von?

  Really?

• 37:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, you remember, that's why he voted me off. He was like, you don't tease a man.

• 37:39Theo Von?

  I do remember driving away, this was in Long Beach, I remember driving home that day. I'm like, I can't believe.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  I drove you home.

• 37:45Theo Von?

  Almost smashed that dude.

• 37:46Speaker 02

  No, I drove you home. Do you remember?

• 37:47Theo Von?

  That's right.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  Dude, I picked up everyone in the car and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's gonna be an awkward ride home. And I got voted off and I drove home and I was like, it was quiet. I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think?

• 38:03Theo Von?

  And we're all going back to work.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  God, I was not.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  This.

• 38:13Theo Von?

  Oh, my God.

• 38:25Speaker 00

  What the fuck?

• 38:26Theo Von?

  What octave is that?

• 38:29Speaker 02

  If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's that kid Cameron. Watch. Oh.

• 38:40Speaker 07

  Tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  Look how jacked you are, dude.

• 38:44Theo Von?

  God, I was handsome. Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing and I just wanted to kind of put a tribute out to them. Okay. We gotta find them bitches.

• 38:54Theo Von?

  You had the ladies and I think you just lost them.

• 38:56Speaker 02

  Hang on, do you have, do you have that whole episode?

• 38:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, I have the whole series.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Okay, do me a favor. Go to me getting kicked off. Do you remember this?

• 39:03Theo Von?

  With Greg Louganis?

• 39:04Speaker 02

  Do you remember?

• 39:05Theo Von?

  He did a nude dance for him.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  Do you have that?

• 39:07Theo Von?

  And Greg Louganis is a famous homosexual swimmer.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive.

• 39:13Theo Von?

  Is he?

• 39:14Speaker 02

  Um, I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness.

• 39:16Theo Von?

  Oh, wow.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  He's HIV positivity. I saw that bathing suit. I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit yesterday. All right, go to the end when I get voted off.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  What are you talking about? My wife's never made a rule about that. I just hit on him. Okay.

• 39:30Theo Von?

  Your butt is so wide.

• 39:37Speaker 02

  Now, hit pause for a second. This was the biggest regret of my life.

• 39:43Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  Like, sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said.

• 39:47Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

• 39:48Speaker 02

  Bobby. And, um, so like, now I did this and it, no one laughed.

• 39:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 39:55Speaker 02

  No one laughed. Everyone saw it and it was wildly rolling the dice on it. And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home and I got in bed with my wife that night and I didn't know how it was gonna be edited and I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career. I might have made it because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show in my daughter's preschool. I was like, they're gonna watch this?

• 40:13Theo Von?

  That's insane to do that.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  I was, everyone was famous and I was trying to like keep up with the Joneses.

• 40:18Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I'm on a new show.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  I'm like, yeah, I'm on a TV show, whatever. Hit play. Have you seen this? Oh, my God. Biggest regret.

• 40:27Theo Von?

  Wow, bird.

• 40:31Theo Von?

  Were you fully naked?

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  Fully naked.

• 40:42Theo Von?

  And does Michael prefer men or he prefers women?

• 40:44Speaker 02

  He's married.

• 40:47Speaker 02

  Michael, I think was being like honest, like this is a bad idea.

• 40:57Theo Von?

  Oh my.

• 41:06Theo Von?

  Oh my God. That was incredible.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Dude, I thought I ruined, I thought I ruined, ruined my career. Ruined it.

• 41:18Theo Von?

  And what kind of pecker you got on you there? You can't really, they got it blurred out or whatever. Just so, so we can.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  Not big at all.

• 41:24Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  My mouth should be right now and you'll, it's probably the exact same size. Do you remember we took a bath with Lunel?

• 41:30Theo Von?

  Dude, yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  Me, you, Red Grant. Me, you, Red Grant took a bath.

• 41:34Theo Von?

  He ran for mayor of Baltimore. You know that?

• 41:37Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 41:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:37Speaker 02

  I won't tell this story.

• 41:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  Do you remember Lunel had two bathing suits on?

• 41:41Theo Von?

  Did she really?

• 41:42Speaker 02

  And she took one off. And she goes, boys, wear your bathing suits. And then we took ours off and then she got out of the bath and we were all naked and she took our bathing suits.

• 41:50Theo Von?

  God. I don't remember that. I remember, I think Kyle's mom gave me, or somebody gave somebody, I don't remember what happened. Somebody came, one of us came or something.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Kyle's mom.

• 42:05Theo Von?

  I remember that.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Kyle's mom was a hired stripper.

• 42:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Just to be clear, Kyle's mom, real mom's dead.

• 42:13Theo Von?

  Kyle's real mom passed away?

• 42:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper.

• 42:16Theo Von?

  Oh damn. Well.

• 42:19Theo Von?

  Uh, yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  I remember meeting your mom and I was like, oh, his mom, it looks like she could make dream catchers in northern, in New Mexico. My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this shit from Rite Aid.

• 42:32Theo Von?

  Dude, that show was so wild. And it was like, bro, they paid us. It was pretty, it was fun. You got to be around other comedians. Tiffany Haddish was on there, Donnell Rawlings. Remember Javier, um, George? The one comedian left. He left the first day. Remember George?

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Jeff Garcia.

• 42:51Theo Von?

  Jeff Garcia left.

• 42:52Speaker 02

  Don't replay that. I do not need to see that. No, I don't, hang on. I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that. You know where you, when you know you've done something and you're like, ah, why did I do that? That fucking moment, huh, that fucking makes my skin crawl.

• 43:04Theo Von?

  And this is when you made a, a promise to your mom in the dark or whenever they?

• 43:07Speaker 02

  I said, well, they said, you're gonna bring you in. You're gonna seduce somebody and, and the more, the more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in and it was our moms.

• 43:18Theo Von?

  And I, in the dark?

• 43:19Speaker 02

  In the dark. And I told her what I do to her, giving her oral sex. I'm fucking, I think about that. Cause I was honest. I was fucking honest, Theo.

• 43:31Theo Von?

  That's illegal too, to do that to your mother.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  I think so.

• 43:34Speaker 06

  Theo did the Native American Warbler.

• 43:36Theo Von?

  I did?

• 43:41Theo Von?

  Let's make this plan hatch. Whoa, mom.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 43:47Theo Von?

  I was scared, let me say.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  I love that shirt.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  You were so good at this. You were so good at this.

• 44:09Theo Von?

  Was this, what, what was it again?

• 44:11Speaker 02

  No, you were so good at the whole fucking game. Like it got in my head and I would get panicked and like, cause I needed the money. And you were just fucking chill and?

• 44:21Theo Von?

  I was probably on steroids, dude.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  You might've been. You looked pretty jacked in this.

• 44:24Theo Von?

  I might've been on performance enhancing drugs.

• 44:26Speaker 02

  Have you ever taken steroids?

• 44:27Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. You know, yeah, they just had a new, did you see that a new steroid Olympics was coming up?

• 44:32Speaker 02

  I hope so.

• 44:33Theo Von?

  That show was before its time. They should put the show back on the air if they didn't. I don't understand. They, after that, they fucked up, man.

• 44:41Speaker 02

  I could not agree more.

• 44:43Theo Von?

  They fucked up a lot.

• 44:44Speaker 02

  By the way, what, here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up. They should, we should buy that. Me, you, Donna, just people with a little money, we should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it. Because that is, we could do one season, we could do five seasons out of just outtakes. I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say. Do you remember me, you and Red, we're in a pool with Amy Schumer? And she goes, what are we gonna do now? And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine? And she goes, what's that? And I go, well, you're the Leaky Submarine and we gotta plug up all your holes.

• 45:13Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  And everyone's like, can't use that. And I was like, why? It's fucking funny. Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there, I'm telling you, that finale, you had, it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant, and Donnell were in a cluster. And we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight. You were just, they would say something and you just, honest Theo, like the person you are today was there that day and you were a stream of consciousness and we were, as my, well, I'm, I've never laughed harder.

• 45:46Theo Von?

  Damn. That was so much fun. Look at me and Amy right there.

• 45:50Speaker 02

  God.

• 45:51Theo Von?

  And she had a boyfriend. I think she was in love with some guy.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I always thought you guys had sex.

• 45:56Theo Von?

  You know, I always thought we did.

• 46:06Theo Von?

  But, dude, speaking of, what else were you talking about a second ago?

• 46:11Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 46:11Theo Von?

  The steroid games? Oh, yeah. Did you see that Donald Trump Jr. or some group is starting a steroid, the enhanced games? Donald Jr., um, President Donald Trump's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr. is the latest to invest in the enhanced games, which critics call the steroid Olympics.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  I'd invest. I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding. And bodybuilding's pretty, you ever seen natural bodybuilding?

• 46:37Theo Von?

  Um.

• 46:39Speaker 02

  The answer is no.

• 46:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  You're like, okay, it's pretty fucking boring. You look at real bodybuilding and you're like, yeah, get, that's what I want to fucking look at.

• 46:49Theo Von?

  Get on that fucking gas, you know, I remember doing that fucking shit, boy.

• 46:53Speaker 02

  What did you take?

• 46:53Theo Von?

  Oh, I took, uh, mm.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  Deca?

• 46:57Theo Von?

  I took Deca, yeah, Deca.

• 47:00Speaker 02

  Winstrol?

• 47:00Theo Von?

  What, I think, I don't know if I ever got some Winstrol. Got whatever we, I could get ahold of. Test 200.

• 47:06Speaker 02

  Really?

• 47:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, test 200, test 400. Tests, there was some, uh, I think, we, somebody, we would go on spring break, we'd go get it, but somebody, people would always sneak it back in like shampoo bottles. They would buy a bunch, they always bought porn in shampoo bottles. So it had like this fucking kind of like, like soapy, soapy aftertaste. Like you'd be doing curls, but then you'd like belch a soap bubble or whatever. Like it was, it was really, like every time you like, like if you lifted up your arms, it would. It was.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  When you'd sweat, it would just be soapy?

• 47:41Theo Von?

  It was smell like lavender or whatever. Like it was a real hybrid at the time, a hybrid type of chemical we were using. And that was one thing that was tough about it, but it was fun using steroids because, and I shouldn't say it, I mean, it was definitely also had side effects.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  No, don't, don't, by the way, everyone makes their own fucking choices in life. Look, I'm, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now.

• 48:02Theo Von?

  Are you?

• 48:03Speaker 02

  Are you shitting me? Dude, I fucking love it. I jerk off every morning. I jerk off every, if I don't have sex with my wife, I'm, my dick's hard and I'm, I'm turned on every fucking morning when I wake up. But thinking about my wife, but I'm, if she's not there, like today I jerked off, she was at, at the gym working out and I was like, or at her trainer, whatever. And I was like, I'm gonna jerk off. Yeah. I, dude, it's awesome. I feel alive. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I do my liver numbers. That's all, every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone's repaired it to liver cells. Yes. It's fucking awesome.

• 48:39Theo Von?

  Well, are you, I mean, are you still fat or whatever then?

• 48:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, obese, morbid.

• 48:45Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 48:46Speaker 02

  I'm morbidly obese.

• 48:47Theo Von?

  Okay, I just want to make sure you're still, you know, sticking with the.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  No, I only work out, I only work out so I can party. That's it. The only reason I work out is so tonight. If I want to, my wife says, yeah, let's open a bottle of rosé. I go, fuck yeah. Cause I know I was in the gym this morning, hard as shit. I'm gonna be in the gym tomorrow, hard as shit.

• 49:03Theo Von?

  You look great.

• 49:04Speaker 02

  I feel, feel, I feel phenomenal. I mean, I really feel phenomenal. And I will tell you, that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but I, I'm just, testosterone is just giving me like a zest for life. I think, I mean, the downfall is like my face is redder sometimes. So like I have to get hair and makeup. Like my face can get pretty red, but.

• 49:24Theo Von?

  From the testosterone?

• 49:25Speaker 02

  I think so. That's what someone told me.

• 49:26Theo Von?

  Well, don't, don't you, don't you lose hair though? That'd be my concern.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  No. I mean, I don't know. I was gonna get hair transplants. Leanne didn't want me to.

• 49:33Theo Von?

  Really? I've gotten it before.

• 49:34Speaker 02

  What?

• 49:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, a couple of years ago, I got, I had so much stress.

• 49:38Speaker 02

  In the back?

• 49:39Theo Von?

  That my hair start, got like.

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Your hair looks fucking awesome.

• 49:43Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's good now. It's clean.

• 49:44Speaker 02

  Did you go to Turkey?

• 49:45Theo Von?

  No, no, I went to, I don't even remember where I did it. I did it right off of there, off of La Cienega, 50 La Cienega.

• 49:51Speaker 02

  Really?

• 49:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 49:52Speaker 02

  A good doctor though.

• 49:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, pretty decent. They take it out of the back and they just put it in the front. It's like just reforestation or whatever. You know, whenever they like, take the plants. That's not me, Jesus Christ.

• 50:02Speaker 02

  Your hair, you've always had the thickest goddamn hair.

• 50:04Theo Von?

  Look at this picture.

• 50:06Speaker 02

  That does kinda look like you a little bit.

• 50:08Theo Von?

  Oh, oh no, that's me, but that's not my head is the crazy part.

• 50:12Speaker 02

  That is you.

• 50:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, but it's not my head. I never looked like this.

• 50:18Speaker 06

  I thought it was, they shaved it or something. It's my bad.

• 50:23Theo Von?

  That's so funny, dude. That's crazy. Dude, with AI now, it's like, anything is possible. What the fuck?

• 50:30Speaker 02

  That looks wild.

• 50:33Theo Von?

  Well, this is not a before and after. That's a thing.

• 50:37Speaker 02

  Internet, make that a before and after. Just, the old buns, hair transplants. Cause because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you and it's fucking hysterical. If you type in Bert Kreischer fat, all the pictures have been doctored and they don't bother me because they're not real. The real ones bother me. The real ones.

• 50:57Theo Von?

  Well, this is-

• 50:58Speaker 02

  Is that, is that, is that really you?

• 50:59Theo Von?

  This is really me. This is after I got my hair transplant. The, they put all this, they inject all this stuff in your head, but it starts to come down your face. It's like pain reducers or whatever. So at some point, you look like-

• 51:11Speaker 02

  Oh my god, you look like the guy from Ghostbusters 3 too. Holy shit.

• 51:16Theo Von?

  Dude, I look like I fucking did a lot of cocaine.

• 51:20Speaker 02

  Could you do, could you do, uh, uh, pills, those pain pills?

• 51:25Theo Von?

  Oh, I don't know if you could take I V Pro. I think there was something you couldn't take.

• 51:28Speaker 02

  Could you take, like, uh-

• 51:29Theo Von?

  Pain pills?

• 51:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, they give you two pain pills right when you go in there. And then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows. My place, it was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there. So it was like, the shows were, um, Bollywood type of-

• 51:46Speaker 02

  I wanna do that.

• 51:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 51:48Speaker 02

  Dude, there's one. Type in Bollywood, uh, motorcycle, uh, motorcycle dance. There's, I was, so for a promo, I wanted to recreate this. I'm always gonna fly to Bollywood.

• 51:57Theo Von?

  Alright.

• 51:58Speaker 02

  And do my promo in Bollywood. Dude, money goes pretty far in Bollywood. So I could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production. Bollywood Motorcycle Dance? That's it? I bet that's it. Bollywood music video? Guy comes off a motorcycle? These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance, I'll get all the people. And you gotta find, never mind. Fucking-

• 52:20Theo Von?

  You can find it.

• 52:21Speaker 02

  Internet.

• 52:22Theo Von?

  But look at this. This probably costs forty dollars.

• 52:24Speaker 02

  Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful.

• 52:26Theo Von?

  It's a whole movie. You had to-

• 52:28Speaker 02

  I don't know why we don't have more of that. I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work.

• 52:31Theo Von?

  Well, they, they have a lot more joy of like-

• 52:36Speaker 02

  I love this. I bet I could do this dance. Pretty easy.

• 52:41Theo Von?

  Well, they, this is, a lot of people, these people end up working at Disney World, I think.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  They have a Bali, Bali Disney? Bollywood Disney?

• 52:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, do they have a Disneyland in India? They have to, huh?

• 52:51Speaker 02

  No. I mean, I went out to dinner with a couple.

• 52:53Theo Von?

  That's good.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  And they go, uh, did you, um, Leanne and I just went to Paris? And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like, no. And they're like, why not? And I was like, so fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, it's, we went, it's so awesome. And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you.

• 53:09Theo Von?

  Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean?

• 53:11Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, no. They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris.

• 53:16Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 53:17Speaker 02

  As opposed to just being in Paris, they went to Disney in Paris.

• 53:22Theo Von?

  Like, why go all the way there?

• 53:23Speaker 02

  Why? It's the same fucking Disney. Go to Orlando. Save some fucking money. Stay here. Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day. They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse, who, by the way, just is Mickey Mouse. It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse. They're like, it was amazing. Can you imagine?

• 53:44Theo Von?

  No, I can't imagine. But then sometimes, actually, I went to China one time or somewhere and I had to get McDonald's.

• 53:50Speaker 02

  Okay, that's, that's fine. That's totally fine. That's like, hey, man, this is my culture. I want to see how you represent my culture.

• 53:54Theo Von?

  Yeah. But going to see Mickey?

• 53:57Speaker 02

  You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse. Come on, what the fuck are we talking about? God damn it. Yeah, I don't, I listen, when I travel, I like to do, I like to, I like to, I don't want to get a, air cracking on and do a ton of shit. I want to sleep in, I want to wake up, I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, couple beers, keep walking around. And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city. That's the fun way to do it. And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like two in the morning, know you can sleep in the next day. Wake up, go for a jog. That's what I'm talking about. You will not find me at fucking Paris Disney.

• 54:30Theo Von?

  Damn. You heard it right there, Disney. You heard it. Don't even come after him. Do you, uh, oh, I want to talk about that Stairway to Olympics a little bit. Go back to it, because I'm just curious about this.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  This is going to be fucking awesome, dude.

• 54:43Theo Von?

  Well, I'm, I'm just intrigued. I think we're going to start seeing more. I've long wanted to do a game show of like stereotypes versus each other, right? Like, there's like Family Feud, it's like the Ronsons versus the Hamiltons, right? But I want to see like the gays versus the Yiddish or whatever, you know, like I want to see like, um, dark blacks versus bakers.

• 55:03Speaker 02

  Wait, can I, can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?

• 55:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  What if, right? You don't know what the other team you're playing against is. And in playing the game, you gotta guess what they are. So like they're, all their answers are one way. So you're like, where's the best place to vacation? And you hear a bunch of people go, uh, you're, the, uh, team you're playing against said, uh, Jamaica.

• 55:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 55:28Speaker 02

  And then the other one's like-

• 55:28Theo Von?

  Or Birmingham.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then, and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible, but try to guess who the other people are. Okay, never mind. Bad pitch, because you could just lie and, and misdirect people. Keep going.

• 55:42Theo Von?

  But maybe that's part of, there could be a strategy in there that that's how you do it. But I would love to see the stereotype games. I think that that's where we're definitely headed soon. Like asshole kids, like ADHD kids verse, uh, whatever, you know?

• 55:57Speaker 02

  Okay, no, that would probably-

• 55:58Theo Von?

  We gotta take that one out, but-

• 55:59Speaker 02

  ADHD kids versus autistic kids.

• 56:01Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 56:02Speaker 02

  That would be great, dude. And autistic kids don't need to talk. They do mental telepathy.

• 56:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 56:06Speaker 02

  They don't talk anymore. They just, just saw a documentary on that. Google it. The, and, and you put the two of them against each other? That'd be fucking great.

• 56:14Theo Von?

  Great. But I think there's a lot of like, kids suffering from smallpox verse fat kids or whatever.

• 56:19Speaker 02

  What about this game show?

• 56:20Theo Von?

  Alright.

• 56:21Speaker 02

  It's, um, it's, you fuck what you get. Okay? That's the name of the pitch. So a guy goes up, okay, like we bring up Theo Von. And you have a room full of a hundred women. And you go, guys, ladies, uh, on your, by your chair, you'll see a little panel. Um, on a scale of one to 10, rate Theo Von. You can present yourself. My name's Theo. I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand-up comedian. I have a podcast. I'm, you know, I'm on tour. I'm just in a movie.

• 56:48Theo Von?

  Born in March.

• 56:49Speaker 02

  Born in March. Yeah, give him your sign.

• 56:51Theo Von?

  My birthday comes out the day after your special does?

• 56:53Speaker 02

  I liked it, for real.

• 56:53Theo Von?

  March 19th?

• 56:54Speaker 02

  For real?

• 56:54Theo Von?

  You said March 18th it is?

• 56:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:56Theo Von?

  March 18th?

• 56:56Speaker 02

  Nice. Um, and then, and then you go, ladies, rate, I give you, rate, rate him, uh, what you think. And so they go, Theo Von is an eight. And you go, cool. Now, Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you, so look back at your panel and see what number you are. And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six. He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out. So it just thins out the herd. And you're like, alright, you are what Theo's willing to fuck. Now- Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal. You can either fuck one of the eights, or you can go for a 10. And if you, if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney. That's your vacation. You gotta go to Paris Disney. But if you pick the eight, we're gonna send you to Bali. And you're gonna be on the beach all week.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest, out of your league. You can't get her. By number standards, you can't get her. And then you take the two of them on a date and you pick who they are. What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people.

• 57:51Theo Von?

  I'd go Ba- I'd go with an eight to Bali.

• 57:53Speaker 02

  I'd go with an eight to Bali too. I'd go with a six to Bali.

• 57:56Theo Von?

  Did you really?

• 57:56Speaker 02

  I would. I'd go with my wife, but I don't know, she's like more like a six and a half.

• 58:00Theo Von?

  Is she?

• 58:00Speaker 02

  I think so. I think she's getting prettier the older she gets.

• 58:02Theo Von?

  You know what? I thought that the other day. I didn't think like that. I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty. That's my thought.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  Can I do a secret time?

• 58:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 58:09Speaker 02

  The fu- one of my favorite things in the world. I don't know if you did it on purpose, or I don't know how it came out, but I've said, I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast at a Zany's and you came by to say hi and support her.

• 58:21Theo Von?

  Well, yeah.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  And she called me bawling crying. She goes, you know. She goes that I'm, was so nervous and I was so, you know, I feel like I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it, you know, and, and she goes, baby, and I was, I ju- I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Clint Cincinnati or something. She called crying. She goes, Theo came. And I went, what? She goes, Theo came. She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself, because they're real people. She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support. And I was, I got emotional telling it. So I was like, I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you? And it's just not about a business.

• 59:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:00Speaker 02

  And I, but thank you for doing that. That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done.

• 59:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that.

• 59:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course you did. That's who you are.

• 59:09Theo Von?

  Sometimes you forget things you do.

• 59:11Speaker 02

  That's it. You found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team?

• 59:15Theo Von?

  Sure. It only took them 11 minutes.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  Look at this. Look at this, Theo. Promo video for my new tour. Come on, right? Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good, Theo.

• 59:27Theo Von?

  Oh, my God.

• 59:32Speaker 02

  Look at this.

• 59:33Theo Von?

  Turkish hairlines, huh?

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Look at this, Theo.

• 59:39Speaker 02

  Look at this.

• 59:41Theo Von?

  So good.

• 59:48Theo Von?

  God, I would have been the best Indian.

• 59:50Speaker 02

  You would have, your hair, that wind blowing in your hair?

• 59:53Theo Von?

  And I think just my attitude, I would have had a good time over there.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  You think so?

• 59:57Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  Theo, you would have never left your caste system. Are you gonna AI Theo's face in it? I was gonna do you, but... Do me, do me, do me, do me, do me. Yeah, please do, hey, wait, think about it.

• 1:00:08Theo Von?

  This looks like AI, this isn't AI.

• 1:00:10Speaker 02

  You would have never left your, no, it's just Indians.

• 1:00:12Theo Von?

  I would have found a way out.

• 1:00:14Speaker 02

  No, you can't, that's India.

• 1:00:17Theo Von?

  I would have found a way.

• 1:00:18Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:00:18Theo Von?

  That's our movie, dude, Cast Travelers, or something, or Cast.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Timecasters.

• 1:00:24Theo Von?

  Timecasters. You know, I like to save money, I do. I like to make money and I like to keep it and put it somewhere safe. I don't like taking a ton of risks, I don't like a, I don't like a lot of uncertainty. And that's why I do like Acorns. I've really come to admire this company. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich.

• 1:01:05Theo Von?

  Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now, even if all you've got is spare change. I'll tell you point blank that I've opened up Acorns accounts for my nieces and nephews, and I just admire the way that they do it, I admire their outlook on finances. You can sign up now and join the over 13 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $24 billion with Acorns. Plus, Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment. Offer available at acorns.com/THEO.

• 1:01:43Theo Von?

  That's A-C-O-R-N-S dot com slash Theo to get your $20 bonus investment today.

• 1:01:51Speaker 07

  A non-client endorsement, compensation provides incentives to positively promote Acorns. Tier four compensation provided. Investing involves risks. Acorn Advisors LLC, an SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com/THEO.

• 1:02:00Theo Von?

  Before we used Shopify, it was bonkers. It was bonkers, we had that old register system where you were filling it all out and giving it to your niece to run to the mailbox and she didn't know how to use stamps and... Ah, it was a nightmare. But now we've got Shopify that helps our merch store run smoothly. You can upgrade your business and get the same checkout we use with Shopify. That's the truth. Because nobody does selling better than Shopify. Home of the number one checkout on the planet. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify.

• 1:02:41Theo Von?

  Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that ALO uses. You've heard of them or all birds, you've heard of them. They use Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com/THEO. All lowercase. Go to Shopify.com/THEO to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com/THEO. What does the future hold for your business? Well, if you ask nine experts, you'll get 10 answers. Bull market, bear market, raccoon market. Rates will rise or fall. Inflation's up, inflation's down.

• 1:03:26Theo Von?

  Can someone please invent a crystal ball? Until then, over 41,000 businesses have future-proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle. The number one cloud ERP, bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform. I admire this type of software. It helps you keep things together, makes things easier, and lets you spend more time focusing on what's truly important to you. If I had needed this product, it's what I'd use. And maybe someday we will. Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions, wow,

• 1:04:09Theo Von?

  NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's Guide to AI and Machine Learning at netsuite.com/THEO. The guide is free to you at netsuite.com/THEO. That's right, netsuite.com/THEO.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  Are you gonna do more movies? Did you like it?

• 1:04:37Theo Von?

  We're making our movie right now.

• 1:04:38Speaker 02

  You just made it?

• 1:04:39Theo Von?

  Well, we've got still five days left.

• 1:04:40Speaker 02

  Oh, for real?

• 1:04:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:41Speaker 02

  I didn't know that.

• 1:04:42Theo Von?

  I don't know, we'll see. I am happy that we did it.

• 1:04:46Speaker 02

  Can I ask you an honest question?

• 1:04:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, 100% man.

• 1:04:49Speaker 02

  This is why I don't do, um, I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects. So I noticed that I have, um, for lack of a better word, uh, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control.

• 1:05:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:03Speaker 02

  And I, and I don't, I'm not good at it. So like I did something for someone one time and the whole time I, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. I'm wasting my life. I'm in fucking makeup and no one's treating me with respect and I, and I'm fucking. And I was like, I'm just sitting in a goddamn trailer, waiting for some 18 year old to come and tell me it's time. And I can't walk around and I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. And a friend of mine said, just give me a heads up. Notice this in yourself and do, and get, don't allow yourself in that situation. She'll get a bad rap. It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they didn't.

• 1:05:34Theo Von?

  Like Lively or whatever?

• 1:05:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But I'm team Blake Lively. I like her, I think.

• 1:05:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, I don't, I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.

• 1:05:43Speaker 02

  But like, but did you, in doing it, did you, cause I know how internal you are and I know how you like, kind of pensive you are. Did you, were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that?

• 1:05:54Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure.

• 1:05:54Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:05:55Theo Von?

  I think there's some of that I'm still learning. Yeah. Like there's just like certain like ways to like do the script differently.

• 1:06:05Theo Von?

  To like certain, have less scripts. We'd have more time to shoot certain scenes. Like that's one thing. It's like, we just kind of run out of time, you know? So it's like, we can't, you know? So, you know, you can only get so much coverages or whatever. Uh, what else? I don't know if I would ever do the acting again. I would like to do the, um, producing or writing, but I do, I, I only like to, I, I'm the same. I, I just only want to do things that I, that I am in control of, right?

• 1:06:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:06:36Theo Von?

  Cause for me, it's just, I don't want somebody else to have control of how I look or seem. I don't want somebody else to have a say. I don't want anybody to have any ownership over. Um, my voice. That's it for me. It's like when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't have, I couldn't speak up for myself or something like that. I don't know what it is, but internally somewhere in there, that's what it is for me. So it's like, I don't want to have to say anybody else's. I just want to do what I want to do. And if I live or die on that, then that's fine, but at least it's just me, you know?

• 1:07:08Speaker 02

  Do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something? They want, they want you to come in and do something? And then they're like, try to like script it for you a little bit. Like my example is like, they'll be like, uh, you, you're gonna take, take your shirt off, right? And I was like, I don't know. May- maybe. I mean, I don't know. It's fucking 10 degrees out here. And they're like, okay, but it's coming off though, right? It's like, maybe you just come out and rip your shirt off and be like, kill a beer. And I'm like, I also talk.

• 1:07:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:30Speaker 02

  But it's like, it's sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as, as a producer. They go like, so you'll just like, they did it today and were like, he's just come in like a hurricane, like with his hands going up like this and he'd be like, ah. And but there was no, did they, you find that happening to you ever?

• 1:07:46Theo Von?

  No, I don't do anything. I only do our own stuff. Like I don't ever do anything that I don't. I don't ever do anything else, except for like our own things. So me and Spade wrote that movie. I knew that he's a great actor, one of the funniest guys I know. So he would be able to carry it. I'm like the second guy who like is kind of, we're just, it's like a dumb buddy movie. And so I never put myself in a position where somebody have to be like, you have to do something like this, you know? Well, cuz goes back to your reason, I learned I don't do well in that situation. Like, you know, I tried to do a, um, Chris Pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago. And I had to leave once I got there because once I, they didn't give you the script till you got there. And so once I got the script and stuff, I realized, oh, this isn't.

• 1:08:31Theo Von?

  It just doesn't fit for me. It doesn't work with who I want to be. They had me like.

• 1:08:34Speaker 02

  How hard is that to do?

• 1:08:36Theo Von?

  To leave?

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:37Theo Von?

  Oh, it definitely was hard. It was a hard, like, you know, text to send. I sent it all in caps so they would know I was serious about it or whatever. But yeah, it was fucking.

• 1:08:45Speaker 02

  Wait, what?

• 1:08:46Theo Von?

  How'd it go?

• 1:08:46Speaker 02

  Did the movie come out?

• 1:08:47Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  What movie was it?

• 1:08:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, Tomorrow War.

• 1:08:51Theo Von?

  Was that movie a Tomorrow War?

• 1:08:52Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:08:54Theo Von?

  And when I watched it back, I ended up realizing I made the best choice for myself. It took 12 weeks.

• 1:08:58Speaker 02

  Wait, with Tom Cruise?

• 1:09:00Theo Von?

  Dude, that's damn Chris Pratt, brother.

• 1:09:02Speaker 02

  That's Chris Pratt?

• 1:09:03Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's a new, yeah.

• 1:09:04Speaker 02

  Huh.

• 1:09:05Theo Von?

  Um.

• 1:09:06Speaker 02

  The Tomorrow War. What was that about?

• 1:09:09Theo Von?

  It's about.

• 1:09:10Speaker 02

  On Amazon?

• 1:09:11Theo Von?

  People.

• 1:09:13Theo Von?

  Went in the past, uh, I can't even remember. It was kinda confusing. But it was great. It was fun. I'm glad that I got to do it. Uh, I'm sorry. I'm glad I didn't get to do it. Jesus. But, um, but I saw Chris.

• 1:09:25Speaker 02

  Who did, who ended up playing you?

• 1:09:27Theo Von?

  Just some of, they just moved the lines over to some other guy.

• 1:09:30Speaker 02

  Oh, they didn't like?

• 1:09:30Theo Von?

  I tried to get Josh Wolfe in, and I remember as a substitute, but, uh, they just moved the lines over to a different character. But when I watched it back, the guy had two lines and it would, I would have had to be there for 12 weeks. It just wasn't a good fit, right?

• 1:09:42Speaker 02

  The first movie I ever had, her, uh, friend did, Tom did a movie with Mark Wal, uh, no, uh, Mark Wahlberg.

• 1:09:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:48Speaker 02

  And he was there for like five weeks. And I was like, I was like, oh, cool. You're, so you're in a lot of scenes. He's like, I'm in like two scenes. I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks? He's like, yeah, as part of making a movie. I was like, well, I guess I'm not making a movie. And then I was like, I'm not gonna fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks. You gotta be kidding me. I like.

• 1:10:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, that was the thing. It was a law, it was a long time and it was in Atlanta. And also I didn't know anybody on the set except for Marilyn Rice was there. And I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages. So I'd never met him.

• 1:10:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. So that's an easy text send then.

• 1:10:21Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was chill. And I actually did call the director too, and I called him and, uh, and just shared off that. And they were, they were cool about it. You know, but then there was like a thing like in Hollywood, like this guy might back out of a movie or something. I was like, I don't fucking care, dude. Like, as long as I was cool with Chris and everything was fine, it was fine with me, you know?

• 1:10:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:39Theo Von?

  But that's when I realized, oh, I can't do something if it's not my own thing. And I, I'm not gonna be able to say, oh, we're, we're keeping that or we're not keeping that, or I don't wanna be seen like that, or this sort of thing, then I just can't do that. For me, it's just how I work, you know?

• 1:10:53Speaker 02

  When I got back from Serbia, someone had written a part in a TV show for me. And they texted me like, yo, I wrote a part for you. And I was like, oh, I'm, yeah, I'm not gonna do it. He's like, we haven't even read it. And I was like, I know that, but it's not my show.

• 1:11:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:03Speaker 02

  He was like, but hold on, hang on. I wrote it for you. And I went, okay, I don't know what to tell you. But I can tell, I can just tell you.

• 1:11:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:10Speaker 02

  That if I go onto your show, I'm gonna have feelings. And I'm probably not gonna be great. And I'm gonna be in a fucking different city for my family. And I just got back from Serbia. And I kinda wanna go on tour and I kinda wanna do my podcast. And I kinda wanna, like, I don't wanna go onto another. Their set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking want to eat snorts coke or whatever.

• 1:11:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:28Speaker 02

  And so he was like, and I was like, and I'm friends with you. And right now it seems we're friends.

• 1:11:32Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  Let's just keep the friendship and then I don't, we don't have to work together.

• 1:11:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:35Speaker 02

  It's funny because it's like, as if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend. Write a part for me. And now I'm just like, no, please don't write a part for me.

• 1:11:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think it's, I'm trying to think a little bit more about it. I mean, this was like, I just remember thinking, because we wrote it and then we, we, nobody wanted to direct it. Nobody wanted to help us with it. No agent, no producers.

• 1:11:58Speaker 02

  Are you kidding? Can, wait, for anyone listening, that's how tough Hollywood is right now. Right now they are not making movies.

• 1:12:06Theo Von?

  Well, I think they just didn't, and also like they don't want, I don't know if they don't want certain people to have voices. It seemed easier for other people to make movies, right? I'll say that, but also.

• 1:12:15Speaker 02

  Wait, wait, I know what you're saying.

• 1:12:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:12:17Theo Von?

  It seemed easier for other people to make movies. But.

• 1:12:21Speaker 02

  You mean, you mean, you two cis gendered white British males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood?

• 1:12:29Theo Von?

  But.

• 1:12:29Speaker 02

  That's the funniest fucking thing that there's, because there is semi a truth to that, but, but also we have had opportunities our entire life. But also it's like, you talk to any fucking writer, any writer in Hollywood, who's like 50, a dude who's white. They cannot get a job, like they cannot work and they're, and, and they lose, and these are all liberals.

• 1:12:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:51Speaker 02

  Like you gotta realize a Hollywood liberal writer, man, he's fucking storming the Capitol about those goddamn scripts.

• 1:12:58Theo Von?

  That's crazy.

• 1:12:58Speaker 02

  It's crazy. It's, I talked to any of them. They're all like fucking dude, whatever's happening in Hollywood. I was like, you've had a good run.

• 1:13:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think, well, I, I just then it was like, well, we have to do is like, I don't like thinking that. If you say I can't do it, there's a part of me that wants to just. Show you that I can do it, right? Like, I don't, I'm not a great actor, right? I know that and that's fine with me.

• 1:13:21Speaker 02

  I wouldn't say that. Well, I wouldn't say that. It's not real.

• 1:13:24Theo Von?

  I have some moments that are good in this thing.

• 1:13:26Speaker 02

  In the fucking therapy movie are awesome.

• 1:13:28Theo Von?

  Not sweet of you. It was easier for me to play like a disgruntled person, kind of, than I think, um, like a dumb buddy kind of thing, for some reason. I've felt like that. But then also, I'm like going back and looking at the things and I'm like thinking of what else needs to be in this scene. My like, my mind's kind of like all over the place. But I do think that it's funny. The script is super funny. Um, I'm curious to see how it was shot, how that plays out and stuff, so. And I'm just glad that, I think when I look back on my life, you know, I'll be glad that I got to do a movie with David Spade. And.

• 1:14:03Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:14:04Theo Von?

  And it's like, yeah, we funded ourselves. We funded ourselves. We did like, we did it all. It's like, it was crazy.

• 1:14:09Speaker 02

  Wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend. David Spade is, like, I always think.

• 1:14:17Theo Von?

  He's a legend.

• 1:14:18Speaker 02

  When you look at like SNL, right? Did you watch Fifty Years?

• 1:14:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, I was there.

• 1:14:22Speaker 02

  You were there?

• 1:14:23Theo Von?

  No, I was there for the 50th, uh, I was there Friday and Saturday night.

• 1:14:27Speaker 02

  Okay. Um, but when you watch it, it's pretty epic. You know, I will say it's SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50. Cause you watched a lot of it.

• 1:14:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:36Speaker 02

  If you're, if you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get why these racist.

• 1:14:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, like where's Timothy Chalamet?

• 1:14:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, where's Timothy Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson not in more sketches? Where's, uh, where's fucking, you know?

• 1:14:46Theo Von?

  Chappell Rohn, yeah.

• 1:14:47Speaker 02

  Chappell Rohn. And, uh, but when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold. Eddie Murphy doing,

• 1:15:01Speaker 02

  uh, Tracy Morgan? Did you see that?

• 1:15:06Theo Von?

  I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy, Black Jeopardy, you mean?

• 1:15:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan. It was so.

• 1:15:14Theo Von?

  Maybe I didn't pick up that that's what it was.

• 1:15:16Speaker 02

  Oh, did you see it?

• 1:15:18Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, I saw this right here.

• 1:15:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. See the name Tracy underneath it?

• 1:15:23Theo Von?

  Oh, I, oh, now I get it.

• 1:15:26Speaker 02

  Wait, what did you?

• 1:15:28Theo Von?

  I didn't know what he was doing. I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever.

• 1:15:31Speaker 02

  No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. It was, this was my favorite sketch ever.

• 1:15:37Theo Von?

  We can't play it because it'll.

• 1:15:38Speaker 02

  They will blame it, sorry. But it dude, it is, it, it was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like, when you look at, so when you look at comedy history, right?

• 1:15:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:48Speaker 02

  When they, when they talk about comedy history. Now it's kinda, it's kinda interesting, I think, because you look back at the last 50 years.

• 1:15:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:56Speaker 02

  And there's only like a handful of names, but, but, but legends that'll, like Belzer, he'll be remembered.

• 1:16:02Theo Von?

  Richard Belzer?

• 1:16:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, and, uh, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, these, Eddie Murphy, Bill, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl LaBeau will be remembered. Like they're, he was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics, like so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are gonna get forgotten and lost in conversation. David Spade will not be lost in conversation. Out of all the SNL people, he, he has had one of the most probably fucking crisp, crystal clear, pristine, hysterical, his movies will fucking forever be talked about. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, uh, Meet Joe Dirt, uh, the fucking, all, he's a legend.

• 1:16:49Speaker 02

  And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you ever, like, you're ever gonna get to do.

• 1:16:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's what I felt like. I was like, I just, I have to do it. And we made it ourselves. It's like, we made it. It's like, we don't have anybody telling us what to do. And that's what I realized. I was like, oh, if I, if we say it went in the script, and it went in the script, and it went on the screen. If I had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody for permission to do it that way, then I wouldn't be able to do it, right? I just, I wouldn't, I, I, like you're saying, I just know it would not react well with me viscerally and.

• 1:17:18Speaker 02

  If someone's like, Theo, I don't get it. You'd be like, hold on, hang on. I, I hit dingers. Like, like, what I do is just tell jokes. And I'm just funny. So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try. And a lot of people will be like, I, I don't know.

• 1:17:31Theo Von?

  Yeah, I couldn't have, especially like when you see a lot of the funny like, but also I gotta see how this thing is, how it looks when it's done like I have no fucking clue. The script is super funny. We put all our own jokes in it. We wrote it for two years. Like we definitely. So, but I have no clue how it goes from doing the scenes, which are all done out of order to then it being an actual movie, you know, how it like that. I cannot, my brain can't matric or like figure all that out like. Um, but we had some funny, but yeah, like Nate Diaz has a role in.

• 1:18:02Speaker 02

  I saw Nate posted about it today.

• 1:18:04Theo Von?

  Uh, Tim Dillon has a plays, uh, the manager.

• 1:18:07Speaker 02

  Bobby Lee.

• 1:18:08Theo Von?

  Bobby Lee came in and did a guest star. Yep.

• 1:18:11Speaker 02

  Uh, William McCullough.

• 1:18:12Theo Von?

  William Montgomery.

• 1:18:13Speaker 02

  Montgomery.

• 1:18:14Theo Von?

  Casey Rocket, some of the Kill Tony guys and there's some others, some other also like great actors and stuff, but then we also didn't want to overdo it and have everybody you knew. There's Spady right there and, uh, and Nate Diaz, dude, fucking hilarious.

• 1:18:26Speaker 02

  That's a picture I saw.

• 1:18:27Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, that was cool, dude. That was so much fun. And I think I'll look back and be like, man, this thing was cost you a ton of money. And it wasn't worth it, but man, you had a fucking good time. That's what I think.

• 1:18:38Speaker 02

  When I, when I, when I did, uh, when I did the machine, the very first night, I was like, I'm not gonna drink.

• 1:18:43Theo Von?

  There's Chris Avila right there. That's Nate's buddy. Um, but it's, I mean, it's a real movie. Like when you're there, you're like, damn, this is a real movie.

• 1:18:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:18:52Theo Von?

  And I have one thing I got on set was ice bath and sauna.

• 1:18:56Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:18:57Theo Von?

  There's a portable company and they have ice bath and sauna and they bring it and they set it up right there.

• 1:19:03Speaker 02

  For real?

• 1:19:03Theo Von?

  And that was like the one thing, cause I knew I wasn't gonna be able to go to a ton of AA meetings. So I was like, I'm gonna have to

• 1:19:08Speaker 02

  Ooh.

• 1:19:09Theo Von?

  Have something to like hijack my system to like, help me. So I don't, you know,

• 1:19:16Theo Von?

  you know, or.

• 1:19:17Speaker 02

  When was the last time you?

• 1:19:18Theo Von?

  Shot a place up? Never. But it's like, you don't want to get there in front of a bunch of people, you know, especially around your friends.

• 1:19:24Speaker 02

  When was the last, when was the last time you fell off the wagon?

• 1:19:26Theo Von?

  Oh man, uh.

• 1:19:28Speaker 02

  What's it like when you real, like the morning after? Is it, is it like shameful or you go like? Like is it, cause that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't wanna fucking, I don't wanna relapse. Like that, like honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult, cause you, you're doing so well and you're like, I'm feel good, I'm losing weight, I feel fucking happy, like, well, I don't wanna drink and then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise and champagne, and then the next morning it's just like, the fuck, you, you let everyone down. Although, no one's let down, cause I never quit drinking.

• 1:20:00Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:20:00Speaker 02

  So like, but like,

• 1:20:01Theo Von?

  Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down.

• 1:20:03Speaker 02

  That's why, that's my pressure, is why I'm terrified to quit drinking.

• 1:20:06Theo Von?

  You're afraid to quit drinking because you don't wanna, cause then if you relapse and you'll have, let everybody down.

• 1:20:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:11Theo Von?

  God, it's crazy, dude.

• 1:20:14Speaker 02

  I thought you were gonna say, I thought you were gonna say it was brilliant. No, it's like the same way, like, you ever, you see, you ever see someone that loses weight, right?

• 1:20:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:21Speaker 02

  And they're like, I lost like ninety pounds, you're like, cool, and then they gain it back plus some, and you're like, oh, you should've never tried to lose weight, you should've just stayed that fat, that fat was good for you.

• 1:20:30Theo Von?

  Well, you see people losing weight and then suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside him's finally coming out to play or whatever. You start to see that coming to the surface, like a fish coming to the surface, you know?

• 1:20:39Speaker 02

  Sometimes.

• 1:20:40Theo Von?

  Sometimes you see that.

• 1:20:41Speaker 02

  Sometimes people lose weight and they're like, and you're like, I liked you fat.

• 1:20:44Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. I knew a guy like that, he used to clean the pool over at my friend's house. And one time I was there catching some rays, and he shows up and I hadn't seen him in forever and he'd lost a hundred and seventy pounds or something, this dude comes in, and, uh, and he, he's walking around the pool and I'm like, and, and, and he kinda looking at me, but he didn't say anything, cause I knew the fat pool guy.

• 1:21:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:21:06Theo Von?

  I knew him well.

• 1:21:07Speaker 02

  So you're looking for the fat pool guy.

• 1:21:08Theo Von?

  That, no, I, yeah, this is like, maybe it's his brother or his son, or maybe they got a new guy. I didn't say anything to the dude. So we're out there around each other for like forty-five minutes, didn't say anything, and then later that evening, I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy, and they're like, no, that's the same guy, he lost a hundred and ninety pounds, I was like, fuck.

• 1:21:24Speaker 02

  Isn't that crazy, you can change? Because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality.

• 1:21:28Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:21:29Speaker 02

  Like when you, because there's a narcissism, and by the way, I'm, I take whatever grain of salt. There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is gonna be their thing. I'm gonna get real skinny. I wanna get ripped. Like, it's okay to get healthy, but like, when you go like, and like, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something? You could change your race? Like, what if you like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black.

• 1:21:58Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:21:59Speaker 02

  Wouldn't that be cool?

• 1:22:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:00Speaker 02

  Just to be like, is, oh, you're eating a lot of blueberries? Like, I'm gonna be black.

• 1:22:03Theo Von?

  Like, yeah, we got a game on Thursday.

• 1:22:07Theo Von?

  Like, I'm gonna polish off a few before I go into practice. That's what I would do. If blackberries really made you black?

• 1:22:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh. You're eating a lot of matzah, and you're like, taxes are due in April.

• 1:22:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:22:20Speaker 02

  You know how it is. Fuck.

• 1:22:21Theo Von?

  Yeah, trying to say, yeah, I gotta cut some corners.

• 1:22:23Speaker 02

  What's up with the burritos? You're like, oh, my yard's a fucking mess. I gotta fucking clean that shit up.

• 1:22:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:28Speaker 02

  Jesus.

• 1:22:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, somebody's gotta do it.

• 1:22:31Speaker 02

  What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit. That's all. Just wanna get my good credit score, god damn it.

• 1:22:37Theo Von?

  Whoa, what's up with eating pussy? And you're like, ah, I don't know, it's just for fun.

• 1:22:40Speaker 02

  What's up with all those hot dogs?

• 1:22:42Theo Von?

  Yeah, I don't know, play anything.

• 1:22:47Theo Von?

  Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever? It must have been crazy.

• 1:22:51Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 1:22:52Theo Von?

  Imagine, everybody's straight, right? And you wake up, or something happens, you get hit by lightning or whatever, and suddenly you're gay, and you're like, oh my god. Like, you're just talking to your buddy who you've, who you've talked to every day for years. And, and you're just like, thinking like, I'm gonna stuff his fucking face with some wiener. And you're like, what? And, and then you like, don't, like, imagine that, because then you have to take some other guy aside, or somebody aside, and be like, hey, this is gonna seem totally crazy to you guys. But I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know? And people were like, what?

• 1:23:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, that does sound crazy. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that.

• 1:23:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:32Speaker 02

  And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy. You're like, were you, were you like, I remember I had a buddy one time. We were at a beach and he was like, hey man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone? But I want to run it by you and see if you think it.

• 1:23:44Theo Von?

  Oh, I say no. And people say that kind of shit. I fucking.

• 1:23:47Speaker 02

  Oh, I said, yes. I said, yeah, we were drinking. We were smoking weed. I was like, run it by me. He goes, there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do. And I was like, please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go, okay. And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay. But I do it and I'm not gay. I just wanted to like, run it by you and see if you do it. And I said, okay.

• 1:24:12Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 1:24:12Speaker 02

  What's the thing? And he goes, I jerk off. And I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I went, I jerk off too. I jerk off too. Oh, my God. I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off. Cause that's what they tell you at Catholic school. You don't jerk off. Don't touch yourself. It means you're gay. You want to play with dicks.

• 1:24:30Speaker 02

  That was what must be being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like where you're like, oh my God, I want to suck dick too.

• 1:24:37Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:24:38Speaker 02

  God.

• 1:24:38Theo Von?

  But how do you let them know? Do you just be like, hey?

• 1:24:41Speaker 02

  Love to see that. I would love, I would love.

• 1:24:43Theo Von?

  Two gays in the wild or whatever, meeting each other?

• 1:24:45Speaker 02

  Like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table, two gay men.

• 1:24:51Theo Von?

  The Memphis homosexual.

• 1:24:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then you can watch them kind of feel each other out.

• 1:24:56Theo Von?

  Yeah. Perusing the Whole Foods produce section.

• 1:25:01Speaker 02

  What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player. Who then is like, you can't tell him I'm gay. I'm gonna beat your fucking ass. And you're like, okay, you know?

• 1:25:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:12Speaker 02

  Like, that's like.

• 1:25:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, like, why do I get my ass beat just because you're being gay or whatever? That doesn't make any sense.

• 1:25:19Speaker 02

  I wish I could find out. Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram, I guess you could, but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up?

• 1:25:28Theo Von?

  And apologize to him or whatever?

• 1:25:31Speaker 02

  No, no, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are.

• 1:25:34Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, to see who they are? Yeah, dude, I think in the future you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay. My buddy's dad used to get, um, he'd get like the uh, hiccups if people were gay. Isn't that crazy?

• 1:25:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, like allergic to gay people?

• 1:25:49Theo Von?

  No, he would just have like a, he would just like, he'd be like, and he, he

• 1:25:54Speaker 02

  Like an allergy?

• 1:25:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:55Speaker 02

  Like, like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to him, you're like, and you're like, uh-oh. You're like, I hope it's not me. Someone get him a glass of water, quick. Count to ten while you're drinking, ten sips.

• 1:26:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, stand on your head.

• 1:26:06Speaker 02

  Stand on your head, quick, quick, quick, quick. Either that or you're getting the fuck out of here.

• 1:26:10Theo Von?

  Stand on your head or somebody's gay, dude. It's just so crazy that being gay was always like the funniest thing though too to people like, you know?

• 1:26:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, it still is funny, I think.

• 1:26:20Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:26:21Speaker 02

  I mean, it's like

• 1:26:21Theo Von?

  Because it's so different.

• 1:26:23Speaker 02

  I mean, I, I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys. I'm sure, I'm sure they do. About like the way we think and they're like, oh, yeah, I want all that pussy. And I'm like, oh, my God, who wants pussy?

• 1:26:34Theo Von?

  Yeah, they want that long pussy, that wiener.

• 1:26:37Speaker 02

  I mean, everything, everything, like you ever seen, uh, white people make fun of, uh, black people make fun of white people's texts?

• 1:26:45Theo Von?

  Uh-uh.

• 1:26:46Speaker 02

  Oh. It's so good, but like the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate. That black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text. And they think it's crazy. They're like, shut up. Uh, hold on. There was a text, H O S.

• 1:27:08Speaker 02

  B and they were like, what do you think this is a black dude reading it? He speaks white and he goes, they go and his wife, girlfriend's like, what is H S O O B? What would that mean? And he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's hold on one damn second, buddy. And everyone's and they're like, what? They put buddy on the end of it? And he's like, oh, yeah. And but like, they find that funny. So like, everything, everything you could find, everything funny. Like I, like, I still think, like, like, I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time. And I went up to behind Tom and I went.

• 1:27:40Theo Von?

  Actual glass, wine glass?

• 1:27:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:27:42Theo Von?

  Oh, that's very dangerous.

• 1:27:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I went up to him behind his shoulder.

• 1:27:46Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:46Speaker 02

  And I went, cocktail? And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do.

• 1:27:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:51Speaker 02

  I love it. I love it. I love.

• 1:27:53Theo Von?

  I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my weener, right?

• 1:27:57Speaker 02

  That's not where I thought you were going with that.

• 1:27:58Theo Von?

  You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over your weener and kind of wrap your weener up. So it almost looks like a half, like a baby head coming out of your body, right? And you'd be like, I'm having a baby or whatever, you know?

• 1:28:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:28:11Theo Von?

  And, um, and then people will be like, what the fuck are you doing?

• 1:28:16Theo Von?

  You know, it's a fucking kind of run off and hide or whatever.

• 1:28:19Speaker 02

  Wait, what the fuck are you doing? We're the library. What the fuck?

• 1:28:23Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, there was nothing more crazy than being at the fucking library when you were a kid. It was basically just like, it was like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a lady who's like obsessed with Voltaire or whatever. And you and your friends were just in there being loud. There was like one other person in a wheelchair in there. It like never made any fucking sense. They're just in there like in the, they're just like wandering the halls of the old internet or whatever, like.

• 1:28:48Speaker 02

  They wanted to teach us the Dewey decimal system so bad when we were kids.

• 1:28:51Theo Von?

  The library was always ridiculous, I felt like. What was I gonna ask you about? Oh, so, yeah, the, yeah, I wonder if people would watch the steroid Olympics or if it would be too much for people.

• 1:29:03Speaker 02

  Why not?

• 1:29:03Theo Von?

  Because you're gonna get people that are gonna be risky.

• 1:29:05Speaker 02

  No, but why even have the regular Olympics?

• 1:29:08Theo Von?

  Well, regular Olympics are regular, you know, everybody, the playing field is even.

• 1:29:12Speaker 02

  Playing fields even when you use drugs.

• 1:29:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:14Speaker 02

  Right? I mean, I mean, why, I honestly, like, if you're like, okay. Uh, what are you gonna watch? I wanna watch high jump. A guy can high jump seven feet. And you're like, that's cool. And they're like, there's a dude who can do ten feet. You're like, what do you mean? Like, over a basketball hoop? Like, to get ten feet? It's like fucking crazy. And they light it on fire. And you're like, oh, what? Put that one on. It's like, I mean, it's just like, like, supply and demand. What do you wanna watch? You know, a guy sprint. Like, sprinting is pretty cool, right? The sprinters are pretty cool. Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill, I wanna watch that head to head. But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys? And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah. And you're like, whoa.

• 1:29:58Speaker 02

  I mean, physical capabilities. When you see people, it's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroids. Why would you ever put the two together? I wanna see the big ones.

• 1:30:06Theo Von?

  But, but I just worry about their ramifications. Like, if somebody's, but I guess if they wanna do it, but you're gonna blow your body out.

• 1:30:13Speaker 02

  How great was baseball? When Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosworth, how great was baseball?

• 1:30:17Theo Von?

  To your point.

• 1:30:17Speaker 02

  It was so fucking great. And then they ruined it by taking steroids away. And these guys weren't, I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing.

• 1:30:24Theo Von?

  They were doing steroids.

• 1:30:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I think it was all for recovery. I mean, it wasn't, wasn't like they were like, I don't think they were doing, I think they were doing TRT. If I'm not mistaken, I don't remember. I don't really know.

• 1:30:34Theo Von?

  But they were pretty jacked. They weren't something their heads were growing. That's the thing. It's like, if you got-

• 1:30:37Speaker 02

  My head's growing.

• 1:30:38Theo Von?

  Your head is?

• 1:30:39Speaker 02

  I have a size eight head, and now my head, eight, size eight hats.

• 1:30:42Theo Von?

  Because of the TRT?

• 1:30:43Speaker 02

  I guess, I don't know.

• 1:30:44Theo Von?

  Well, that's the thing, dude. It's like, if you start getting on the drugs, then like, you're gonna have a lot of forehead monsters out there just wandering around. You know, just fucking, I just wonder what type of intensity, just jumping into the stands and fucking punching their wife or something?

• 1:30:59Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:30:59Theo Von?

  Like, you're gonna have shit, like, just, it's just gonna get pretty intense. Somebody throw the javelin out in the fucking parking lot or whatever.

• 1:31:05Speaker 02

  They, you know, uh-

• 1:31:06Theo Von?

  And hit that guy that works in the booth?

• 1:31:08Speaker 02

  ACH, human, okay, that's a real one.

• 1:31:10Theo Von?

  Oh, human growth hormone is a crazy one.

• 1:31:12Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 1:31:12Theo Von?

  You show up and their hands are bigger and shit, and they're fucking, they can catch a fish, they can just easily catch a fish and shit?

• 1:31:19Speaker 02

  They don't even, yeah, before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is fucking insane.

• 1:31:23Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, brother.

• 1:31:25Speaker 02

  Look at him. Look at him.

• 1:31:27Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's like you're not even, it's like, but your skeleton and stuff grows, that's the thing, dude. Or what if then they had, they had like the fasting games, it's like people that haven't eaten in months or whatever, and they have to play, they have to do the Olympics, and it's just like the, it's like going up two stairs or whatever.

• 1:31:43Speaker 02

  I pitched it for UFC.

• 1:31:45Theo Von?

  Or getting out of a blanket, fully, but you haven't eaten in like months and you're just so, you have no energy.

• 1:31:51Speaker 02

  I like that. I would, I wanna, I challenge.

• 1:31:53Theo Von?

  ASMR type of game.

• 1:31:55Speaker 02

  I challenge Izzy, Izzy, Israel Adesanya to, as a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both gotta drink 12 beers first. And Izzy was like, Izzy, I talked to Izzy about it and he was like, I'm not gonna lie, it'll be an interesting fight, cause he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted. And I was like, I'm, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me. Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and, and like, and like, uh, and Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink, but Shane Gillis can drink 12 beers and not feel a thing.

• 1:32:25Theo Von?

  Yeah. Like, oh, I think it'd be, I think Izzy would beat the ever living shit out of both of you guys. To be honest, first of all.

• 1:32:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so.

• 1:32:34Theo Von?

  Yeah, fuck, he's fucking great at it, cause it's really just taking both of you guys, the same, which your current levels, giving you each 12 beers.

• 1:32:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, and just giving us 12 beers. We haven't increased our, our, our level at all.

• 1:32:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:48Speaker 02

  We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking fighter.

• 1:32:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, so that's a part that would be risky, I think.

• 1:32:56Speaker 02

  He came to my, my New Zealand show, and he, and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears, I wanted to do it. And he came up, and they're like, I got a text, they're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking, wild shit, like I said it about everyone, I do it to everyone, I did it to Connor, I did, I just like, guys I know have sense of humor, the cage fighters, I love those guys. Michael Chandler, uh, all those guys, Michael Bisping, they're funny fucking dudes.

• 1:33:18Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, most of those guys are.

• 1:33:19Speaker 02

  Most of them, there's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy, but I don't, that, I don't mention those guys. Sugar Sean, fucking great, dude. He is fucking awesome.

• 1:33:28Theo Von?

  He has the best sense of humor.

• 1:33:29Speaker 02

  Dude, Connor, hysterical, Nate Diaz, fucking love Nate, Nick, all of them, but, uh...

• 1:33:37Speaker 02

  I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor like I don't. And then everyone was like, he does, he does, he does. And they're like, I get a text, you want to come to my, can I come to your show? I was like, yeah, of course. DM or something. So I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with like all his buddies and comes over and he's like, eh, the machine. And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight. And he real quick brings his knee to my stomach. He goes, you still want to fucking fight me? And I went, no? And he goes, ah, just kidding around. I was like, oh, my God, I would have been fucking destroyed.

• 1:34:03Theo Von?

  Damn.

• 1:34:04Speaker 02

  This man is so fucking strong and so quick and just bigger.

• 1:34:11Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think they'll just gift wrap you. Like they work at the mall at that place where you get the nice wrapping or whatever. He'll fucking tie you up with his feet. It'd be crazy if he gift wrapped you with his own feet. Do you, you guys have a 5K coming up, I saw.

• 1:34:26Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, two bears, 5K. Are you gonna run, run, run?

• 1:34:28Theo Von?

  I'm not gonna run this year.

• 1:34:29Speaker 02

  Why not?

• 1:34:30Theo Von?

  I just can't do it.

• 1:34:31Speaker 02

  Why?

• 1:34:31Theo Von?

  Uh, I just don't think I could do it.

• 1:34:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, you could.

• 1:34:33Theo Von?

  I don't know.

• 1:34:34Speaker 02

  Theo.

• 1:34:35Theo Von?

  And Jelly Roll's on it. Dude, I saw Jelly Roll. Is Tom on Ozempic, do you think? Is Tom on Ozempic?

• 1:34:40Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 1:34:41Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:34:44Speaker 02

  No, he just works out really hard.

• 1:34:46Theo Von?

  He looks so thin here.

• 1:34:47Speaker 02

  No, he is, no, that's not him. Those are different bodies. But he is very thin. He's right now, he's like 186 pounds.

• 1:34:53Theo Von?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:34:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's really thin.

• 1:34:56Theo Von?

  Um, yeah.

• 1:34:58Speaker 02

  He works out really hard and he watches everything he eats.

• 1:35:01Theo Von?

  Wow, so he's really locked in on that.

• 1:35:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's really.

• 1:35:03Theo Von?

  I saw Jelly Roll two nights ago, the healthiest I've seen him look.

• 1:35:06Speaker 02

  Oh, Jelly is down 130 pounds and he looks fucking great. And, and the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.

• 1:35:15Theo Von?

  They look happy. You look immensely fucking scared of getting some results back.

• 1:35:18Speaker 02

  I don't know why they picked that picture for me. But anyway, we did this as a lark on Two Bears. Me and Tom said, well, just do a 5K. Cause I've always run. I ran the LA marathon. I've run half marathons, Tough Mudders, Spartan races. I've done all of them. I, I enjoy the event. The event for me is fun. 5K is so digestible. I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the Super Bowl. And, uh, and I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K. And I've always had stupid ideas, like big tent pole, stupid ideas that never pan out. And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it. We called a bunch of celebrities on our, our, you know, comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed, barely any of them showed up, but Jelly Roll heard it. And he went on Nelk Boys podcast and he was like, um,

• 1:36:01Speaker 02

  I think I need to get in shape. And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Busting with the Bears. You forget how big he was. And so he said, I'm gonna commit to Burt and Tom's Two Bears 5K. And I'm doing my first 5K. And he started training. And I get FaceTimes from him. He's like, I hate this. Is this get any better? I was like, it doesn't. It takes a while before it starts getting better. And he did, came out, like, go to his word, came out to LA, did the 5K with me. I wore a 50-pound weight vest. Look at how big he was. You forget how big he was.

• 1:36:32Theo Von?

  He looks so, man, I saw him the other night. I literally grabbed his face. And I was like, oh my god.

• 1:36:38Speaker 02

  Great, dude, look at it. By the way, look at fucking Taylor. Look how big Taylor looks.

• 1:36:43Theo Von?

  Taylor's so lean now. Somebody said he's modeling or something.

• 1:36:46Speaker 02

  It's crazy that his wife married that. And then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good-looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink 182.

• 1:36:55Theo Von?

  All the small things. Yeah, totally. He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his cock, too. That's what I heard.

• 1:37:04Speaker 02

  So Jelly, so Jelly came out to, Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year, and we did it. And I wore 50-pound weight vest.

• 1:37:10Theo Von?

  He did it last year?

• 1:37:11Speaker 02

  He did it last year. He did it last year. He lost like 70 pounds. People Magazine did a big write-up on him. He really kind of eventized the event, because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop. And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Felt like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race. Like, dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it, me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife Leanne and him. We walked the whole thing. And then as we crossed, as we crossed the line, he was crying. Bunny was crying. Leanne was crying. You know I was crying. And Jelly's like, you might have, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life, from whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year. So we're doing it in Tampa, May 4th, at Raymond James Stadium.

• 1:37:56Speaker 02

  And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be such a big fucking event. Like, it is.

• 1:38:01Theo Von?

  Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium?

• 1:38:03Speaker 02

  Doing it in the stadium, and then we're partying on the field after. We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas. We've got a rope climb. We've got.

• 1:38:11Theo Von?

  And people are just, people are coming out and doing it with y'all?

• 1:38:14Speaker 02

  People are doing the 5K. I'm gonna do it, I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm gonna run the first heat, I'm gonna run the second heat, and then I'm gonna run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne.

• 1:38:21Theo Von?

  And how far is it, seven miles?

• 1:38:23Speaker 02

  No, it's five, three miles. It's so doable.

• 1:38:25Theo Von?

  Oh, it is?

• 1:38:25Speaker 02

  You could do it.

• 1:38:25Theo Von?

  Oh, I could do it, yeah. I know, I could do it. Right, well, here's what happened to me. I broke my toe like probably three weeks ago. So I'm dealing with that right now.

• 1:38:32Speaker 02

  Which toe, big toe?

• 1:38:33Theo Von?

  Second from the right, the one next to the little piggy or whatever. And, uh...

• 1:38:38Speaker 02

  Wait, what foot?

• 1:38:39Theo Von?

  Right foot.

• 1:38:40Speaker 02

  Second from the right, the little, next to the little piggy.

• 1:38:43Theo Von?

  Yeah. I broke it, dude, and so it's been miserable. So I haven't been able to, there's so many things I haven't been able to do.

• 1:38:48Speaker 02

  What do you do for working out?

• 1:38:49Theo Von?

  I do a lot of yoga right now, and then I'll just do like circuit training, but like find like four exercises, do four reps of them, you know, and do that four times, and then I'll do like three blocks of those.

• 1:39:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:39:00Theo Von?

  But this past three weeks has been miserable. It's been like...

• 1:39:02Speaker 02

  It sucks when you break a toe.

• 1:39:03Theo Von?

  Dude, it's unbelievable. I was like, you gotta be kidding me. You can't hardly do anything. I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody. People are like, you can't even fucking hug or whatever, you pussy or whatever, you hug pussy.

• 1:39:14Speaker 02

  I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them. And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. And I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It was, it was so, it was, it happened December, it happened Janu- Janu- January 1st, January 1st. So it's been a month, and now they're fine.

• 1:39:38Theo Von?

  They're fine already?

• 1:39:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. Testosterone, testosterone, testosterone.

• 1:39:41Theo Von?

  Testosterone helps, huh?

• 1:39:42Speaker 02

  Oh, so reparative.

• 1:39:43Theo Von?

  What the fuck am I doing?

• 1:39:44Speaker 02

  What are you doing?

• 1:39:45Theo Von?

  I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair.

• 1:39:46Speaker 02

  You're not gonna lose your hair. You can always give so much fucking hair. Can I have some?

• 1:39:50Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:39:50Speaker 02

  I would love some of your hair.

• 1:39:51Theo Von?

  But here's what happens. People say you're not gonna lose your hair, and then you fucking, well, I, I tried TRT one time a few years ago, and I lost some of my fucking hair.

• 1:39:58Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:39:58Theo Von?

  Yeah, motherfucker, I did.

• 1:40:00Speaker 02

  God damn it. Is that, wait, where, can I see the new hair?

• 1:40:02Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:40:03Speaker 02

  Is that new hair?

• 1:40:03Theo Von?

  You can't really see it. They just kind of put it in there. And I think my hair that I lost because of stress actually grew back. I think I just had so much stress.

• 1:40:11Speaker 02

  You look like you have a ton of hair right now.

• 1:40:12Theo Von?

  That I was shedding.

• 1:40:13Speaker 02

  What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs, so then it'll be perfectly peppered.

• 1:40:19Theo Von?

  Hmm, somebody save me. Um, you had also my favorite musician right now, one of anyway, Steven Wilson Jr. was on your podcast.

• 1:40:31Speaker 02

  Great to see you.

• 1:40:32Theo Von?

  Every bones tethered. You wanna change my name, gotta drain my blood. Everything I am, everything he wants. He's the best, dude.

• 1:40:46Speaker 02

  He is really great. I'm a song, I'm a song.

• 1:40:49Theo Von?

  I know you love that one. I've listened to that one a couple of times. It's not my favorite.

• 1:40:52Speaker 02

  You sure?

• 1:40:53Theo Von?

  I've listened to it because I know you like it.

• 1:40:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:40:55Theo Von?

  I've listened to it. It's just, and I know how much you love it.

• 1:40:59Speaker 02

  I love it, dude, because it's so beautiful that it. I remember the song I lost my virginity to. I remember the song I got my first car to. I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to. I remember the songs for me. Like, I get very emotional listening to music. I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me. I'm crying. And did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing and he starts playing I'm a Song and I, so he went, and he goes, and he had to stop. He goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that? Like, I cried out loud. But, man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played. And I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up. Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world. You know Goose?

• 1:41:38Theo Von?

  Listen to them. No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened to them that much.

• 1:41:41Speaker 02

  I've had, I've had very, very, I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these, this band is so fucking great. But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me because I just, I love music. And I think sometimes, like, I'm good at a podcast, like, if I'm talking to you. Because, because, I don't know, but sometimes with, like, younger comics, I'm at the best because I don't like, I don't know, I'm not great, you know? But with musicians, I'm so much, I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are, and I don't know anything about them, and you get to kind of deep dive them and then, and then, and you've had some great fucking musicians on. I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.

• 1:42:21Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, he's so great.

• 1:42:22Speaker 02

  Billy Strings?

• 1:42:23Theo Von?

  He took me fishing one day, too. He's such a special guy. Yeah, he's just the most. He's so normal. He's so, he's so not a celeb, or you know, he's just a normal guy.

• 1:42:35Speaker 02

  Do you think you're not a celebrity?

• 1:42:36Theo Von?

  Uh, I think I don't like the celebrity part of it. I don't see a lot of value in it.

• 1:42:43Speaker 02

  But like, you get a lot of access to cool shit.

• 1:42:45Theo Von?

  It's a mirage, yeah.

• 1:42:47Speaker 02

  Like, that's the only thing I see that you like about celebrities, and I wouldn't say that you like it, but I noticed that you, you travel and go see the events you wanna see. Like, you get to go do everything. Like, I look at yours, I'm like, you're at UFC, you're at fucking Jelly Roll Show, you're at Kid Rock Show, you're at, you're like at the fucking Republican National Commite, or whatever the thing, the inauguration. Like, I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity.

• 1:43:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:14Speaker 02

  You don't get that if you're just talented. You gotta be famous and talented. And so I think, I see you leveraging that in the best ways. You're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark.

• 1:43:27Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:43:28Speaker 02

  And I was like, that only comes with celebrity, and so...

• 1:43:31Theo Von?

  Well, I'm a fan of hers. I'm a, I'm friends with her boyfriend.

• 1:43:34Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:43:35Theo Von?

  Connor, yeah.

• 1:43:36Speaker 02

  Connor Clark?

• 1:43:36Theo Von?

  No, Connor. It'd be crazy. That'd be illegal, it sounds like. Um, Connor McCaffrey. But, um...

• 1:43:43Speaker 02

  Nolan, is she dating Christian McCaffrey's brother?

• 1:43:46Theo Von?

  No, I don't think they're related. But we went up to watch Caitlin, me and Caleb, and then that's how we met Connor.

• 1:43:52Speaker 02

  You interviewed Jesse Murphy?

• 1:43:54Theo Von?

  Jesse Murph.

• 1:43:55Speaker 02

  Jesse Murph?

• 1:43:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, she's the best.

• 1:43:56Speaker 02

  That's the little girl that sings, uh, uh, cigarette card, with Jelly Roll?

• 1:44:02Theo Von?

  Oh, uh...

• 1:44:04Speaker 02

  Wild Ones. Wild Ones. I go, "Ride a wild open, got a forty-five on a man, with him about a hundred and two."

• 1:44:12Theo Von?

  Always smoking something, got me worried about nothing, and he ain't got nothing to lose. I get a thing for that wild on the valley.

• 1:44:25Speaker 02

  I texted, I DM'd her one time. I was like, I was like, I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.

• 1:44:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:32Speaker 02

  What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show?

• 1:44:35Theo Von?

  The Super Bowl halftime show, I thought, I tweeted about it, that I thought it was boring, right? And I, I only know, like, I'm not a big Kendrick listener, right?

• 1:44:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:44:46Theo Von?

  Because, and then a couple days ago, I ended up taking down my tweet, actually. I just felt like... Well, I guess I felt like, why am I judging this guy? I don't fucking know, you know what I'm saying? I think sometimes you forget that like people are gonna make a big, could make a big deal out if you tweet something. That you can't just say like fucking whatever you want without some people having like reactions to it, maybe?

• 1:45:03Speaker 02

  Well dude, I mean, I think, I think it, I'm sure you've had gotten negative feedback in your life and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent. And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were gonna see it. And you're like, like if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours. And he sees it and then he's like, oh, fuck.

• 1:45:18Theo Von?

  I know, that sucks, right?

• 1:45:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:45:20Theo Von?

  Right, I thought about that, but then I also, I, I, no, I just thought about like, why am I, I think like, two days that I was like, why am I ju- Why am I judging this guy? And then people are gonna judge me? Like, what kind of energy am I really creating? I don't think that's what I thought when I was tweeting and I was just like, oh, this is fucking, you know, I just, it wa- it didn't feel like it was for me. I don't know. I didn't know enough of his songs.

• 1:45:40Speaker 02

  I think that was the, I mean, there's, I think there was a bunch of issues. I think number one is his catalog, his catalog's very big in the culture. In, in white culture, I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only have like two crossover songs. I think he played both of them. But like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened. And man, we loved it. It was really fun in the stadium. I mean, on TV, it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium. The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take. Did you hear his? He was like, cause you know, Kid Rock's, you know.

• 1:46:11Theo Von?

  I remember he shot those Pepsis up when that fellow was drinking them gay Pepsis or whatever.

• 1:46:15Speaker 02

  He's got.

• 1:46:17Theo Von?

  You know what I'm talking about?

• 1:46:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud Light.

• 1:46:21Theo Von?

  Oh, Bud Light, I'm sorry.

• 1:46:23Speaker 02

  Um, but he, but his take was, uh, he did this for the culture. Like Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful, cause Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop, in hip hop. And so his, his take was really kind of insightful. He was like, yeah, we did this for the culture. He did this as representation of like, everyone on stage is black. It was all about like inside what, what they listened to. I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude. Now, here are my take, okay?

• 1:46:50Speaker 02

  It's fucking New Orleans, like kind of like, why not celebrate Boozy, uh Wayne, Master P, like, why not the way they did LA?

• 1:47:02Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:47:02Speaker 02

  And it doesn't have to be black, you know, I mean, I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr. sang at the beginning, there's a lot of talent that isn't, but New Orleans is like a black music town, jazz, hip hop, I put juvie, uh.

• 1:47:16Theo Von?

  Oh, it would have been sick, but then somebody, I thought that too, somebody brought to my attention, but most of the people in New Orleans aren't at the game, probably. It's a lot of people from out of town. So then it's like, yeah, it's interesting. Do you celebrate the city? What is the real goal of whoever they put out there? Or why they put certain people, like, um, stars? Um, but then also, then I thought, well, also a lot of the athletes are black. They may all, Kendrick might be one of their favorites just because I don't, I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff. Doesn't mean I don't, you know, that I wouldn't like it. I don't know. I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would want, you know? Jelly Roll, Bruno Mars.

• 1:47:57Speaker 02

  Bruno Mars is, there's no one, there's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, top to goddamn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize.

• 1:48:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:11Speaker 02

  It is, that guy is so talented. Justin Timberlake, I'm worth my money. New Kids on the Block, bring them back. I would be a cool Super Bowl show.

• 1:48:20Theo Von?

  Maybe if they'd have done like some music over the years, but I think sometimes you've just, you don't, you forget that, just because you do, like if, if it wasn't me tweeting, nobody would have probably shared it or given a fuck.

• 1:48:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:48:32Theo Von?

  And I don't mean that in a way like an ego way, like, but sometimes you're just tweeting shit just thinking like, this is what I think, nobody's gonna care.

• 1:48:39Speaker 02

  I said, I said out loud, it should have been Lil Wayne and juvie and everyone, and then we were at, uh, we were at doing, I did a show at the Super Bowl with Nikki, Tony and Shane, and, uh, and I didn't even, I didn't even see my critique come back at me, but someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown, they should have performed here. And I went, oh, fuck. I was like, I didn't even think, I didn't even-

• 1:49:02Theo Von?

  But you guys asked me to come do it.

• 1:49:04Speaker 02

  I think we did.

• 1:49:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:49:04Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, actually we did.

• 1:49:05Theo Von?

  I just couldn't, yeah.

• 1:49:06Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, we did, yeah.

• 1:49:06Theo Von?

  I couldn't go home for the Super Bowl because I was, had to do that movie.

• 1:49:09Speaker 02

  God damn it, that's right, I did ask.

• 1:49:10Theo Von?

  I wanted to be there.

• 1:49:11Speaker 02

  I went and asked for it too. Fuck that guy.

• 1:49:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, fuck that guy.

• 1:49:14Speaker 02

  You know?

• 1:49:14Theo Von?

  I mean, it's always something that's gonna make you feel some type of way, I guess. And then it's like, I don't know, I mean, but then I was like, why do I fucking care, like? And who needs to hear my opinion, so do you think like that?

• 1:49:25Speaker 02

  Okay, I'm gonna interrupt you, because here's what I'd love to know. Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican National, or the Republican inauguration?

• 1:49:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:49:34Speaker 02

  For real?

• 1:49:36Theo Von?

  Yeah, I did get pushback about it, which I didn't really understand, like, um, I would go, if anybody invited me to go to the inauguration, dude. Like, people on the street where I grew up, they're not, nobody's ever going to the inauguration. Nobody from my fucking street, my neighborhood is ever going to the inauguration, probably ever. They're not, some of these people cannot legally vote anymore. Um, so, the simple fact that I got to go, right? Bobby Kennedy is a friend of mine.

• 1:50:03Speaker 02

  Bobby Kennedy's a sweet dude.

• 1:50:04Theo Von?

  People are like, you're not, I'm gonna support my fucking friend, I don't care if they're, if I have a friend that went to jail, for even something serious, I would still go and, you know, maybe speak on their behalf sometimes, or take them bread or whatever, you know, like, I'm gonna be supportive, so, yeah, some of that shit, but I would never hold it against somebody if they went to an inauguration, so then I gotta start thinking, well, that's just odd of that person, some of that's on them, you know, like, I've even had friends that I've texted and they'll be like, oh, it's, uh, didn't know you were so MAGA or whatever, and it was like, I'm, I've never, ever in my life thought of myself as MAGA, you know?

• 1:50:41Speaker 02

  I've never thought of you as, I've never thought of you as political, I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life. Like, that's, I mean, that's my perspective, like, I didn't, I honestly, I, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope. That's fucking crazy, like, I would go in a, I'd go in a fucking heartbeat. I went to, I went to George Bush's, when I was a kid, I went to George Bush's, uh, State of the Union. I went to Bill Clinton's State of the Union, and George Bush's State of the Union. No one ever called me on it, like, I was, I was eighteen, twenty, whatever, sixteen, eighteen, whatever the fuck it is.

• 1:51:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:10Speaker 02

  I went to both. I went to the State of the Union, like every time we got a president, my uncle could get me in.

• 1:51:15Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:51:16Speaker 02

  And I, and I just think it's a crazy, wild thing to see democracy working. And, and like I, if I got invited to an inauguration or, I mean, I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer and I was like, I'm not gonna.

• 1:51:31Theo Von?

  Yeah, I wouldn't, I think I got invited as that too. I, I wouldn't go to, I wouldn't do something like that.

• 1:51:35Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna go like, go like, I'm gonna get you fans.

• 1:51:37Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:51:37Speaker 02

  But like, if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I fucking go. I thought it was cool as shit.

• 1:51:43Theo Von?

  Yeah, I wouldn't go to support like one party. You know what I'm saying? Like if somebody, like I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that. I, I wouldn't go do that, you know? Um, and we just got lucky with that too. We come on our podcast was, uh, Vance and Trump. Everybody got asked, everybody was, everybody was emailing with us, but they didn't want to come like, there's nothing I can do about that. And then you expect that I'm not gonna go kind of be supportive of the fact that they even came and they came.

• 1:52:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:52:10Theo Von?

  Fuck, at least they fucking gave a fuck to come.

• 1:52:12Speaker 02

  Do you?

• 1:52:12Theo Von?

  Now, I think Trump, like what they're doing with Gaza and him coming in and speaking on that is one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard of in my life, kind of, you know?

• 1:52:20Speaker 02

  You lost me. That's how little I know about politics.

• 1:52:24Speaker 00

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• 1:52:52Theo Von?

  But so it's like, yeah, I don't know. That shit was kind of crazy to me, but then you gotta realize like, all you could like, I just have to just be myself, man. And I don't even know who that is sometimes. And so I'm still learning about who that is, you know?

• 1:53:05Speaker 02

  Well, you should, well, I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right?

• 1:53:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:09Speaker 02

  I'm saying this to hear it, but what you have to realize is the people that love you, love you. And then fuck everyone else. That's the truth is I'm trying to get to that. The people that love you, love you. And fuck everyone else because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you. That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text.

• 1:53:27Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 1:53:27Speaker 02

  In one manner or another, they're bothered by everything good happening in your life. It's a reflection of their shortcomings and they're like, didn't know you were so MAGA. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

• 1:53:38Theo Von?

  Yeah. If you ever think you could, I would never let anybody even put a pin in me that's described me as one part of one group anyway. I, I will never be part of one group. I wouldn't even do that to myself. This is who I am.

• 1:53:52Speaker 02

  I'm vegan.

• 1:53:53Theo Von?

  They don't even have the fucking group that I am, you know?

• 1:53:56Speaker 02

  Buddy, they do not have the group you are.

• 1:53:58Theo Von?

  And I think they don't have the group that a lot of us are.

• 1:54:01Speaker 02

  They don't have my group.

• 1:54:01Theo Von?

  More complex than just being like you're this or that, you know? Yeah. If they said we had a fucking thirty K struggling alcoholic guy who's in therapy with his wife. You know what I'm saying? Who loves a fucking good brisket and Johnson brat? You know what I'm saying? And cares about his kids a ton. Where's that group?

• 1:54:20Speaker 02

  My group doesn't exist. My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey man, uh, you have a problem with your drinking. And I go, I'm doing pretty good.

• 1:54:30Theo Von?

  That is a good point, dude. Anybody that says you have a problem, you're doing pretty good.

• 1:54:34Speaker 02

  It's always guys in the system or whatever it's called. And they're like, hey man, you know, you have a drinking problem. I go, okay. I had a guy tell me, I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after. He goes, just because you think you have to make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good. You think that that didn't mean you have a problem? I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that like, I got fucking feelers around me. And if something goes sideways, they tell me, but like, right now we're doing pretty solid. So like, I go, I, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system. And they were like, uh, I said, I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's going to show its head up in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction.

• 1:55:16Speaker 02

  It's like, you gotta take care of the problem. If you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe the, maybe, maybe you should look at that. Like go like, hey man, like my wife. Was a big drinker in high college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic. And then realized, oh no, my parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood. I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, the bring those to the top. She did it. My wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then, doesn't even give a fuck. And I was like, oh wow, I want to be like that. I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink. Sure. Like last night, had a couple of drinks and then I was like, oh, I want to, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow. So I was like, I'm gonna go to sleep, watch the documentary on, hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix?

• 1:56:01Speaker 02

  How do you think they, um, they title the World War II movies? Do you think they're like, World War II?

• 1:56:10Speaker 02

  We were also in it.

• 1:56:12Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:56:12Speaker 02

  Cause like I was watching.

• 1:56:13Theo Von?

  They get left out of all of it.

• 1:56:14Speaker 02

  It's like World War II, Road to Victory is the one we get. What do you think the Ja- cause they have Japanese Netflix.

• 1:56:19Theo Von?

  Right, huh? Almost good.

• 1:56:21Speaker 02

  Almost good. So close.

• 1:56:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, huh?

• 1:56:23Speaker 02

  World War II. I watched, I watched, uh, I watched, um, Inglourious Basterds with a German guy.

• 1:56:30Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:56:33Speaker 02

  That's uncomfortable.

• 1:56:34Theo Von?

  Oh, with a German?

• 1:56:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's like watching Django Unchained with a bunch of black guys.

• 1:56:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, that's not really a post-game movie.

• 1:56:41Speaker 02

  He's like, well, those are really bad guys, man.

• 1:56:43Theo Von?

  Yeah. Damn, them guys was bad, homie.

• 1:56:46Speaker 02

  None of them look like my grandfather.

• 1:56:47Theo Von?

  I know, huh? Damn, bro, shit got real. Um, what else do we want to talk about? Okay, uh, is there anything else? You got your special coming out.

• 1:56:56Speaker 02

  Special comes out March 18th.

• 1:56:58Theo Von?

  March 18th.

• 1:56:58Speaker 02

  Yes, and, uh, I think it's, I think it's my best one. Lucky. Cause I'm the luckiest man alive.

• 1:57:03Theo Von?

  You know, yeah, I might be right about you.

• 1:57:05Speaker 02

  Buddy, I am. Think about, if I pitched me to you.

• 1:57:09Theo Von?

  I wouldn't believe it.

• 1:57:10Speaker 02

  Right? Twenty-five years old in college. Been in college seven years roughly.

• 1:57:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:57:17Speaker 02

  Rolling stone, no, no degree, no chances of graduating, no hopes of graduating, uh, no, no real direction in life. Rolling Stone Magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party in the country.

• 1:57:29Theo Von?

  And a Buccaneers fan at that time.

• 1:57:30Speaker 02

  And a Bucks fan, back when the Bucks and the Saints sucked.

• 1:57:33Theo Von?

  Got a Testaverde jersey.

• 1:57:34Speaker 02

  Dude.

• 1:57:35Theo Von?

  Back when you were just waiting for the 49ers coming down and beat your ass.

• 1:57:37Speaker 02

  From Florida, from Florida, before anyone knew what a Florida man was. Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers, all my people in my life, all for our Florida man. Rolling Stone Discovery Magazine discovered me, called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone options the rights to my life. I moved to New York. Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith, and that's weird now, but I moved to LA, I get my first TV show on The X Show, I then get another development deal at CBS, I meet the love of my life, I keep working in TV, I get fired, I get on travel cha- I mean, all the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am. I have the greatest group of

• 1:58:17Speaker 02

  friends, meaning like, my friends, and you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world, the funniest people in the world, but yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast, when they don't need to. Like, that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari, some of them drug me, but like, Joey Diaz, you know, it happens. But like, you look at your group of friends and you're, and there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money.

• 1:58:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, and they're, but they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and, and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been and, and I get to do what I love. And for work today, to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker, but I also think, I really believe this, you have to identify your luck. I think I mentioned this in the special, you just have to start looking at things as half full and don't, like, even the bad things go, that needed to happen to me. That had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it, you know? I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through, and then I go, thank God? Like, I think, I was thinking of it today, I was, I was like...

• 1:59:34Speaker 02

  I hate that Theo had to go through, you know, drugs and alcohol because that's so not him. And that's never been who I know you knew you to be. I never even knew you to party, to be dead honest with you.

• 1:59:42Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:42Speaker 02

  I never saw it. Yeah. And I go, but you know,

• 1:59:47Speaker 02

  I'm so glad he did because he's so fucking grounded now. Like he seems like in such a better place. And he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie. Like those fucking wild stories where you're doing coke with Daryl Strawberry and fucking the Bronx. I mean, you have all these crazy adventures now, but you're so like, like I go, you just gotta look at it and go, that sucked then, but that's, that's then, this is now, we're, now we're lucky. I, yeah.

• 2:00:12Theo Von?

  Yeah. No, you gotta be here to tell them.

• 2:00:15Speaker 02

  Dude, I mean, I, I,

• 2:00:17Theo Von?

  Lucky.

• 2:00:17Speaker 02

  I went to,

• 2:00:18Theo Von?

  Yeah, for sure. Lucky.

• 2:00:19Speaker 02

  I'm lucky as fuck. And I think if I can put luck out there, like I'd say, I bought like a hundred dollars worth of pennies. It's a lot of pennies, more than you'd think. It's wild. And I just started throwing them around LA, just flipping them on the ground. Cause every time you see a penny, you're like, oh shit, good luck.

• 2:00:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:36Speaker 02

  I was like, oh, why not just gift that to people? Like just a little, and then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it. And I'm like fucking, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car. So everyone gets good luck when they get in the car.

• 2:00:47Theo Von?

  Fucking Copper Johnny Appleseed.

• 2:00:48Speaker 02

  I'm the Copper Johnny Appleseed.

• 2:00:51Theo Von?

  That's him. Spreading luck, March 18th on Netflix. Um, the special is dropping. You got the 5K in Tampa. You have your double down show that's in Las Vegas.

• 2:01:01Speaker 02

  Yes. Oh, that weekend, I'm in Vegas, March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater, two shows. Yeah.

• 2:01:09Theo Von?

  I'm proud of you, man.

• 2:01:10Speaker 02

  I'm proud of you, man.

• 2:01:11Theo Von?

  Thanks.

• 2:01:12Speaker 02

  Like we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see, it's so, I'm man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for, root for a couple of comics and, and you're in that shortlist. And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nikki, when Nikki,

• 2:01:28Theo Von?

  Oh, I know.

• 2:01:28Speaker 02

  Nikki did the Golden Globes, they were in a text thread.

• 2:01:31Theo Von?

  She crushed it.

• 2:01:32Speaker 02

  I, like, uh, but you're in that shortlist, you, Shane, Nikki, Tony Henske, my people in my family knows.

• 2:01:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:40Speaker 02

  And, uh, it's, man, it's cool when. You get a text from your kids, you're like, "Dad, did you see the fucking, what was the Theo? What, I forget what it was. They're like, "Have you seen the best of Theo?" And I was like, "No." And then Georgia sent it to me. She's like, "Dad, she's on a plane." She's like, "Dad, this fucking, he is fucking hysterical." I was like, "Dude, fuck yeah." I remember watching Georgia watch Shane Gillis for the first time and was like, "Are we allowed to laugh at this?" And I loved it. I loved that. I'm the luckiest motherfucker out there.

• 2:02:08Theo Von?

  Well, we're lucky to be in your presence, man. I feel that. And thanks for always being supportive and thanks for some of the nice things that you said today, dude. And yeah, I feel lucky. I was driving over here today. I was like, "Man, my job today, I get to talk to a friend of mine." Fuck. Fuck. That's, that's a blessing.

• 2:02:26Speaker 02

  It's a blessing.

• 2:02:27Theo Von?

  Um, Bert Kreischer, man, stay healthy and enjoy your, your year off of comedy, huh?

• 2:02:33Speaker 02

  Okay, I think I'm, I'm thinking I'm gonna go back on tour maybe October. We'll see, we'll see.

• 2:02:39Theo Von?

  He'll be back on tour in a month probably, but that's okay. He keeps working hard. Love you, bro.