269. Ask Matt Anything: Bring Clarity to Complicated Conversations

Practical insights to help you communicate with more intention in everyday moments. What’s the difference between reacting and responding? How do you move from memorizing your words to truly conversing in the moment? And how do you keep growing as a communicator in everyday moments? Communication isn’t about having the perfect script. It’s about staying present enough to respond with intention. In fast-moving conversations, emotions rise, thoughts race, and structure can disappear. Yet it’s in the pause — the breath before we speak — that clarity begins. In this Ask Matt Anything episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart https://www.fastersmarter.io/, Matt Abrahams shares highlights from a recent live AMA inside the Think Fast, Talk Smart Learning Community. Listener questions open the door to practical strategies for navigating emotional conversations, relying on structure rather than memorization, and building communication habits that actually stick. Because becoming a better communicator isn’t about getting it perfect — it’s about making small, intentional choices every day. Episode Reference Links: Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community http://fastersmarter.io/learning Connect: Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart Premium https://www.fastersmarter.io/premium/Email Questions & Feedback >>> [email protected] Transcripts >>>Think Fast Talk Smart Website https://www.fastersmarter.io/269-ask-matt-anything-bring-clarity-to-complicated-conversations/Newsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>>FasterSmarter.io http://fastersmarter.io/Think Fast Talk Smart >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/think-fast-talk-smart/,Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thinkfasttalksmart/, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6caGRBUYZCmgDGM2RK6mxKB9jG_ccmm3Matt Abrahams >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/maabrahams/ Chapters: (00:00) - Introduction (00:55) - From Reacting to Responding (02:49) - Memorization vs. Spontaneous Speaking (07:59) - Growing Vocabulary (11:58) - Asking for Better Feedback (14:27) - Value of the Learning Community (18:50) - Conclusion ******** Thank you to our sponsors. These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost. Learn more about how Notion https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast can support your business at notion.com/thinkfast. https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast Join our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. https://learning.fastersmarter.io/?redirect_from=podpage

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt Abrahams?

  In the moment, conflict is difficult for everyone. In our October newsletter, out now, you will learn ways to help yourself handle these challenges better. Not only do you get specific advice, we're also providing an infographic to help you remember. Find our newsletter on the Think Fast, Talk Smart LinkedIn page or at fastersmarter.io under Resources.

• 0:25Matt Abrahams?

  Ready, set, go. Let's get into some communication conundrums and questions. I'm Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this Quick Thinks Ask Matt Anything episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. One of the many, many things I love about the Think Fast, Talk Smart learning community is interacting with our members. I do this through posts, comments, and discussions, along with author talks and AMAs, Ask Matt Anythings. Today, I'm sharing a portion of a recent learning community AMA. Listen in to learn about moving from reacting to responding, memorizing to conversing, and how to integrate these tips into your everyday life.

• 1:08Matt Abrahams?

  And consider joining the learning community at fastersmarter.io/learning to ask your questions live. So let's get to it.

• 1:17Speaker 01

  I'm in Switzerland, actually.

• 1:18Matt Abrahams?

  Oh, excellent. Love to hear your question, please.

• 1:21Speaker 01

  I try to use the structure what now what's a what a lot. And if I prepare myself, it works quite well.

• 1:27Matt Abrahams?

  Yes.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  And then the conversation starts, and I guess I'm a very emotional guy, and I can be very impulsive. Once my values are hurt, I start to become a little bit destructive, and I just lose control about every structure. Say a few things, make some stupid comments, and then again, find difficulties how to control that situation.

• 1:46Matt Abrahams?

  What I'd like to suggest is a few things, and you can let me know if you think they work, and in fact, you can try them out, and then write me inside the learning community, and we can engage in a conversation. For me, at least. And what the research suggests is if you can give yourself a little bit of distance from the offending act, whatever it is, somebody says something that upsets you, somebody disrespects you in some way, if you can give yourself a little bit of space... You can then make a more conscious decision rather than just respond with whatever comes up. So how can you do that? Well, a couple of things. One, you can literally ask for it. You can say, I wasn't expecting that. Or wow, that didn't feel so good. Give me a moment and just ask for it. Now that might feel weird to do, but it gives you a second.

• 2:30Matt Abrahams?

  And in that moment, you can take a deep breath. You can recognize, hey, this is me feeling really upset at this moment. Or this is me feeling very confused. And giving that distance, that psychological distance can help. So I think the bottom line here, Florian, is if you can buy yourself just a little bit of time, you can think a little bit more, react rather than respond. I make a difference between those two. React is to act again, meaning you think about it and then you act. Respond is just to immediately do something. And what I'm hearing is that you respond quickly and maybe buying yourself some time to react will help. Other questions that folks might have.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, Matt, I have a question.

• 3:12Matt Abrahams?

  Please.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  So I'm very fascinated with this idea of improv speaking and impromptu speaking. So I did a TEDx talk about two years ago, and that was all memorization and it was all memory palace. And I did a pretty okay job at it, I think. Do you suggest I use the basic trainings I got with memory palace? And how to adjust that so that I can actually speak coherently, but also not be so fixated on that cognitive load, which is exactly my stumbling blocks.

• 3:46Matt Abrahams?

  I love this question. First and foremost, congratulations on focusing on this. Many people are just so glad to figure out a way to get information out. They're not looking to be more in the moment and spontaneous. Congratulations on giving a TEDx talk. There are times where you are in a situation where you have to say something exactly right. Imagine a medical professional, a legal professional, a politician, where it is really important to get it exactly right. And in those cases, if you don't have notes or a teleprompter, then using some kind of memory aid can be really helpful. Now, for those of you who aren't familiar, the memory palace is a technique.

• 4:29Matt Abrahams?

  It's a technique of using spatial location to help us remember. Human beings, our species, is really good at spatial location. And there are whole theories as to why. And so the spatial palace has you put in your mind's eye, information in locations that are very familiar for you. So the reason it's called palace, it often is done with a home or a setting. So if I am trying to learn something and really make sure I remember it, I think about my childhood home, the house I grew up in. I know the layout very well in my mind. And in each room or area of the house, I put a concept, an idea, some words. It helps me remember because I'm associating the information I want to communicate

• 5:14Matt Abrahams?

  with a location I'm very familiar with. So essentially, I'm piggybacking or hitchhiking on my brain's ability to remember location well. And so I just want to make sure everybody understood what we were talking about when we were talking about memory palace. It's a very useful technique. In fact, there are memory competitions. There's a great book called Walking on the Moon with Einstein. It's about a journalist who was really fascinated by these memory competitions. And so much so that he actually started entering them and ended up becoming a national or international memory champion. How can we feel more comfortable getting through material spontaneously? I really believe the answer is structure and practice.

• 5:57Matt Abrahams?

  Structure, as we were just talking about, what's a what now what is an example of structure? There are many, problem, solution, benefit, past, present, future, comparison, contrast, conclusion, lots of different structures. A structure provides a roadmap, like a GPS. It is hard to get lost if you have a structure. So by knowing my structure well, let's say I want to use problem, solution, benefit. I'm trying to persuade people. I know the problem well. I've thought about it. I've done research it, whatever. I know the problem well. The solution is something I really believe in, so I also know that well. And I've thought about how I and others benefit. So by having those different parts of the structure known well, because I've thought about, spent time doing it.

• 6:41Matt Abrahams?

  When I'm in the process of delivering the communication, and if for some reason I feel a little lost or concerned, I simply have to say, okay, I just talked about the problem. I know solution always follows. So that's how a structure provides a roadmap. Now, if you go from memorizing or using a technique like the memory palace to just relying on structure, it can feel like a big leap. And that's why practice in low-stakes situations is important. So I wouldn't do this on a TED or a TEDx stage for the first time, but I might do it in a PTA meeting or in a team meeting when I'm presenting. So you have to practice in relying on structure. And a third thing that I do that really helps me,

• 7:26Matt Abrahams?

  and for some people this works and for others it doesn't, is I use questions as triggers. So if I were using problem, solution, benefit, I might start my persuasive presentation, meeting, contribution by saying, there's a fundamental challenge that we have, and I'd like to ask all of you, how can we solve it? So you see how I'm asking myself a question? And because I know the answer to the question, it helps me get into the structure I want to use. So when I lecture my students, I never say, today, we're going to cover three points. I always say, we're going to answer three questions today. And then I pose the question as a trigger to help me remember the structure that I want to use. So let me pause there.

• 8:10Matt Abrahams?

  Do you think leveraging structure and perhaps questions would be helpful to you in these circumstances?

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Absolutely. That really gave me great context. Thanks, Matt. My question will be more about the preparation. I believe that's my main challenge for public speaking, is having something interesting to say, especially when I'm part of Masters at McGill University here in Montreal. My challenge is that, first of all, I'm friend speaking. I like to practice my public speaking in English so that I will grow. I will increase my vocabulary, grammar and everything in English. My challenge is that I sometimes like the vocabulary, obviously.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  When I want to say some, when I'm presenting or speaking. And I know that I just have to increase listening to podcasts, reading, et cetera, et cetera. But my other challenge is structure, organize my day. So that I still find time to, to find some time of learning. I'm just curious. I have my own business in PR, but I know I have to keep on learning and learning each and every day. Because just as you said, it's a way of training your brain. And make sure that you grow in your knowledge and your, also your speaking.

• 9:39Matt Abrahams?

  I like that you are thinking about improving communication, not just by doing it. And practice is really important, but by learning skills, the why behind the what. And listening to shows like Think Fast, Talk Smart, reading books can be very helpful to building that. And then the other thing I like that you said is the building in to your daily routine. Ways to learn and practice communication skills. You know, many of us think that communication is when we're standing up in a meeting or giving a big presentation or pitch, but we're communicating all the time. The way in which we communicate and the things we say and the order in which we say it, all of that can be instructive. So when you're having a family meal and you're talking with your children

• 10:20Matt Abrahams?

  or when you are talking with a neighbor, there are things you can be thinking about and working on that will help you in those more formal types of communication. It's about intent, it's just about thinking. The best way to be engaged in communication is to be curious. It's about being interested, not interesting. And so if you can focus on asking questions, paraphrasing to show that you've heard what the person says, giving people more space to talk. You might have heard me tell this story about my mother-in-law. She was a black belt in small talk and she would simply say. Tell me more. So as part of a conversation, she would give somebody space.

• 11:02Matt Abrahams?

  And when you do that, you then find interesting things to talk about. So we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be interesting. And if we're interested, the interesting will follow. So ask questions, paraphrase, give people space to talk, and you'll make a big difference. Every night before I go to bed, I spend a minute thinking about one thing that went well in my communication that day and one thing that I was not as pleased with, something I'd like to work on. And every Sunday, I go back and I look at the list and I make a plan for the week ahead to work on that skill. So this week, something I did last week, I was part of a conversation, and I didn't feel that I listened very well.

• 11:43Matt Abrahams?

  I was rushed and I had an agenda in mind, and I don't feel I listened very well. So this week, I'm really working on my listening skills. Who knows what I'll work on next week? But that's how I have incorporated working on communication into my life. I know other people who have a trusted other, if you will, a communication buddy. And at the end of meetings, regular meetings, like maybe team meetings, they'll sit down with their buddy, their partner, and they'll just say, hey, give me one strength and one thing to strengthen. So they build in feedback close to the actual communication, so it's fresh in their minds. Sarah, I see your hand came up. Happy to hear from you.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  Yes, I just wanted to reflect on what you were saying. When asking for a feedback, you just ask the person, but you don't ask them just for a feedback. You tell them, I'm focusing on improving this part or like talking or the body language or a specific category or a specific topic that you're working on. And then asking this person to focus on that part that you're working on during a meeting or during a presentation, and then they give you a feedback on that. So I think this is a very good method. I've read about it. I've heard it like.

• 12:49Matt Abrahams?

  And I really appreciate you sharing that, Sarah. Sarah, where in the world are you?

• 12:53Speaker 03

  Egypt.

• 12:54Matt Abrahams?

  Egypt, wonderful. Thank you. There is a whole bunch of research and a lot of experts make the same suggestion. When asking for feedback, it is very important to be specific about the feedback you want. Giving feedback is hard, and if you make it easy for people, people will often take the easiest route. If I just say, "Do you have any feedback for me?" The easiest route is to say, "No, it was good." That's easy, it's not confrontational. So being specific. "What are one or two things I could do to help make this meeting run more effectively?" Do you hear how that's a much more specific ask? And it can be very helpful. Now, the other thing that's super helpful when asking for feedback is to demonstrate that you heard the feedback.

• 13:38Matt Abrahams?

  Doesn't mean you agree with it. And to try to act on it. People are much more likely to give you feedback if they feel like you're really listening and that you're really trying to make adjustments. Absolutely, and Sarah, I really appreciate that. Let me ask one question, and then I think we'll bring this to a close. I'm curious if you have had a time to explore the learning community? And I'm curious to find what you are finding valuable from it. There are so many different features that will be helpful. We have our quests, which are guided opportunities to learn a particular skill that go for a certain number of days. So any one quest has challenges in it. We just did a quest together on Smalltalk. But we have lessons. These are asynchronous videos that cover different topics. We'll be releasing a new lesson every so often.

• 14:23Matt Abrahams?

  In fact, our next one is coming out soon. We have author talks. I just spoke with a mentor of mine, Patricia Ryan-Madson. Fantastic. You can watch the recording of that. We have AI tools. We have one you type into that responds, and then we have one you can talk to. It's like having a conversation with me. And lots of other things. I'm just curious if one or two of you would be willing to share what you're finding value in in the learning community? Because we'd like to bring you more of it. We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, so we can bring you this show for free. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. The best communicators don't just get their message across, they make it easy for people to know what to do next.

• 15:08Matt Abrahams?

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• 15:55Matt Abrahams?

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• 16:36Matt Abrahams?

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• 16:52Speaker 02

  So I really love the author talks.

• 16:55Matt Abrahams?

  Oh, great. Thank you.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  I did tune into the recent one and I think it has a lot of great content. I just, time-wise, it's just a lot to get through.

• 17:05Matt Abrahams?

  Yes, of course.

• 17:07Speaker 02

  If you thought of maybe having or implementing something like a collaborative.

• 17:12Matt Abrahams?

  Tell me more about this.

• 17:13Speaker 02

  I find that I learn better when I am in a group setting or at least with one or two other people. And it fosters, because we're talking about communication, it fosters that communication. And I think I could maybe learn new things from a few people who might want to join a pod or a smaller.

• 17:33Matt Abrahams?

  Absolutely. Yes. And 100%, we learn best when we work together. Thank you for sharing that. The goal of the quests to try to do that, you can do it on your own. There will be times where we will organize them like we just did with the one on Smalltalk. But also you have every right in the learning community itself to post and say, I'm interested in, hey, there's this quest on whatever. I'm interested in doing it and see if other people will join you. So I'm not saying, I'm not trying to put it all on you by any means. We will try to facilitate some of this on a regular basis. But you also have the opportunity. Part of what I'm hoping happens in the learning community is people who have similar goals and everybody has different communication goals can find each other. But I love that idea. Other thoughts about the learning community?

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Yes, for the Smalltalks, the quest, it was really, I couldn't attend all the calls like after the quest the next day. But I watched the recordings, so it was really nice to hear from people when they said what they had practiced and to do what, like what they did during these exercises, mobile exercises. And what I liked as well, like today, for example, there was, I think it was about the movement and engaging with your audience. And I just posted a question because it was talking about presenting in real life, not online or virtual. And I was asking about how to do it virtually and to have this, the same thing, like do it online. And I got an answer like an hour after soon. So the support there is very amazing.

• 18:58Matt Abrahams?

  Yes, everybody has expertise in communication. We've all been doing it for a long time. So I love that other people are sharing. I am certainly not the only voice that needs to be listened to or should be listened to. And thank you for taking the time to join not just the community, but for joining today. I hope you took value. I challenge all of you to continue to explore and do the work. We have another author talk coming up on February 12th. I'll be talking to my friend and linguist Valerie Fridland. One of my favorite episodes, I was talking to her. And then I will do another Ask Me Anything towards the end of the month in February. So the goal is to have one author talk and one AMA a month in the learning community, as well as some of the other things. So please take advantage of it, and I appreciate that.

• 19:41Matt Abrahams?

  I see Lauren, one more quick comment before we wrap up.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Yes, it was just about the quest. I really like the fact that we can, I can take some time to pause and think. The question is really how folk in the reflection, the introspection, I don't know if there's a word in English, thinking about what are the skills, the tips, the things that I already have that I can put into action to improve my public speaking or tools that I could learn or improve, et cetera. And I really also enjoyed the talks.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  It's interesting to discover the type of books that we can read or the type of authors or books that we can, maybe others we can follow or books that we can read. Because sometimes it's about like, there's a lot of knowledge around the world, everywhere about communication. Sometimes you don't really know where to look. So it's good if with what you're doing with the book club, it's like giving us some kind of roadmap or some ideas.

• 20:59Matt Abrahams?

  Absolutely. In the chat, on the fastersmarter.io site, which is the site for the podcast, we have a whole book list. These are books from our guests, and all of them have to do with communication in some way, shape, or form.

• 21:15Matt Abrahams?

  Thank you for joining us for this Quick Thinks Ask Matt Anything episode. To join our next AMA Live, sign up for our Think Fast, Talk Smart learning community at fastersmarter.io/learning. This episode was produced by Catherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder. With thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also, follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok, and Instagram. And check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please consider our premium offering for extended Deep Thinks episodes and much more at fastersmarter.io/premium.

• 22:00Matt Abrahams?

  You'll also find value by joining our Think Fast, Talk Smart learning community at fastersmarter.io/learning. You'll find video lessons, learning quests, discussion boards, an AI coach, and book club opportunities. Again, that's fastersmarter.io/learning to become part of our Think Fast, Talk Smart learning community. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.