238. Ask Matt Anything: Why Listening Might Be Your Most Powerful Skill

When we truly listen, every conversation changes — including the one with ourselves. Listening isn’t about waiting for your turn to speak — it’s about being present enough to truly hear. In a world full of noise, slowing down to listen can feel like a radical act. Yet it’s in those moments of stillness and attention that real understanding begins. In this special Ask Matt Anything episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart https://www.fastersmarter.io/, we explore what it means to “listen up” — to engage with intention, empathy, and curiosity. Along the way, listener questions spark insights on how to slow down fast conversations, apply communication tools in real life, and navigate the nuances of culture and connection. Because better communication doesn’t start with what we say — it starts with what we hear. To listen to the extended Deep Thinks version of this episode, please visit FasterSmarter.io/premium https://www.fastersmarter.io/premium/. Episode Reference Links: Ep.17 Think Fast: You Asked, We Answered https://www.fastersmarter.io/17-think-fast-you-asked-we-answered/Ep.114 Communication Means Paying Attention: The Four Pillars of Active Listening https://www.fastersmarter.io/114-communication-means-paying-attention-the-four-pillars-of-active-listening/Ask Matt Anything (AMA) 1: Trust, Paraphrasing, and Nonverbal Cues https://www.fastersmarter.io/ask-matt-anything-ama-1-trust-paraphrasing-and-nonverbal-cues/ Connect: Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart Premium https://www.fastersmarter.io/premium/Email Questions & Feedback >>> [email protected] Transcripts >>>Think Fast Talk Smart Website https://www.fastersmarter.io/238-ama-why-listening-might-be-your-most-powerful-skill/Newsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>>FasterSmarter.io http://fastersmarter.io/Think Fast Talk Smart >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/think-fast-talk-smart/,Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thinkfasttalksmart/, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6caGRBUYZCmgDGM2RK6mxKB9jG_ccmm3Matt Abrahams >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/maabrahams/ Chapters: (00:00) - Introduction (01:13) - The Three Ps That Block Good Listening (02:10) - Ace Your Listening: Pace, Space, and Grace (04:30) - Listening Beyond Words: Nonverbal Cues That Matter (05:08) - Listening Through Paraphrasing (06:44) - Practicing Better Listening (08:01) - Choosing the Right Structure for Your Audience (11:26) - Applying Communication Skills Effectively (14:33) - Slowing Down Conversations (17:50) - Practicing and Getting Feedback (20:20) - What’s Next for Think Fast Talk Smart (22:12) - Conclusion ******** Thank you to our sponsors. These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost. Learn more about how Notion https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast can support your business at notion.com/thinkfast. https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast Join our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. https://learning.fastersmarter.io/?redirect_from=podpage

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt Abrahams?

  In the moment, conflict is difficult for everyone. In our October newsletter, out now, you will learn ways to help yourself handle these challenges better. Not only do you get specific advice, we're also providing an infographic to help you remember. Find our newsletter on the Think Fast, Talk Smart LinkedIn page or at fastersmarter.io under Resources.

• 0:25Matt Abrahams?

  One of my greatest pleasures is interacting with the global Think Fast, Talk Smart audience. My name is Matt Abrahams and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. Recently, I had an opportunity to speak with our community at an AMA, Ask Matt Anything. Let's listen in to see how it went.

• 0:54Matt Abrahams?

  Well, before we get started and talk about your questions, I'd love to start with a foundational communication skill, and that is listening. Today, I want to talk about listening up so you can listen in and really connect to your audience. Listening is truly a critical component of all of our communication. It really helps us be successful. Now, the reality is, most of us are not great listeners. And I have to give a big caveat here. Whenever I teach listening skills, my wife gets a little bit upset because she thinks I need to work on those skills as well. So, we're all still learning to be better listeners. Listening is challenging.

• 1:37Matt Abrahams?

  Most of us listen just enough to get the gist of what someone is saying, the high level, and then we begin rehearsing, planning, judging what it is that we want to say and what others are saying. And that gets in the way of us listening well. In fact, there's some very specific barriers that get in the way of our listening, and they all start with the letter P. First, there are physical barriers. This has to do with just the physical ambient noise. Another barrier is physiological. This is what's going on in our bodies. Maybe we're tired, maybe we're nervous. And then finally, there are psychological barriers.

• 2:17Matt Abrahams?

  These are our predispositions, our concerns, our hesitations. All of this can get in the way and prevent us from listening well. These three Ps can be very, very challenging. So what do we do? How can we listen better? In my book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter, I had the wonderful pleasure of interviewing many listening experts. One of them was Collins Dobbs. Collins actually teaches with me at Stanford's Graduate School of Business. And he introduced me to the ideas of pace, space, and grace. I want to introduce you to the ways you can ace your listening. First and foremost, we need to take the time to slow down so we can be present.

• 3:02Matt Abrahams?

  So perhaps that means scheduling a particular time to have a deep conversation. Maybe it means moving to a different location where it's quieter. Taking the time to slow down will help you listen and be present. So pace is first. We also have to make sure that the space is appropriate. Where we sit, how we're situated, how the room is arranged, or the virtual environment, can really make a difference. But I'm also talking about mental space. We need to make sure that we give ourselves the space to focus. You need to remind yourself, I need to be here now for this interaction. Because if I'm not, it's not going to go as well. I'm likely not to hear and understand.

• 3:47Matt Abrahams?

  And then finally, we have to give ourselves a little grace. We have to give ourselves permission to listen well and to listen not just for what is said, but how it is said, when it is said, where it is said. We have an intuition that we need to listen to. I'm going to give you an example where I failed to give myself some grace. I had a colleague, we were coming out of a meeting. My colleague turned to me and said, how do you think it went? I immediately heard feedback and itemized all the things that we did wrong. That we could have done better. But in fact, had I actually slowed down, had I noticed our environment and given myself permission to listen beyond the words that my colleague said, I would have realized

• 4:32Matt Abrahams?

  that he was not interested in feedback at all. What he really wanted was support, but I wasn't present and I wasn't listening. And unfortunately, because I just itemized all the things that went wrong, I did him a disservice. So it's important that we ace our listening. Pace, space, and grace. Now beyond that, we have to focus on what we do with our bodies. Non-verbally, when we listen, we need to approach the person or people we're listening to. We need to orient our shoulders towards them. If we're speaking virtually, we need to look at the camera because it looks like we are looking at them. We want to have an open posture, pulling our shoulder blades down. Again, eye contact is critical.

• 5:15Matt Abrahams?

  As the person is speaking, we're looking and nodding. We want to make sure our eyes aren't darting and we're looking away. These are called back channels that we deliver to signal that we are listening. So these are things that we can do with our bodies to help communicate. In terms of what we actually say, a wonderful technique that I really like is to listen through paraphrasing. When we listen, we signal that listening through what we say and how we say it. I believe paraphrasing is an amazing way to listen. Paraphrasing is where we take what the person has said and we distill it down to its essential essence, the gist.

• 5:59Matt Abrahams?

  We make it shorter and then we highlight the key ideas. So when I go to speak, I make sure that I listen to what they say and then I speak the paraphrase, the essence. I don't have to say everything. Instead, we are simply highlighting the key through stating what it is you've heard. You not only increase fidelity, the accuracy, because if my paraphrase is inaccurate, the person can correct me. But also, I signal that I listen. Many of you are familiar with the work of Alison Wood Brooks. Alison is a good friend of mine. She teaches at Harvard's Business School. She has done research that shows when you actually paraphrase,

• 6:43Matt Abrahams?

  it actually deepens the connection you have with the person. So paraphrasing not only increases fidelity and deepens the relationship, when you listen to paraphrase, you listen better. So my challenge to everyone is as you listen, pace your listening, pace, space, grace, and listen to paraphrase. One great way to do this is to take the time in your interpersonal relationships when you are not actively participating. Let's say you're in a meeting and someone else is speaking. Be thinking to yourself, what's the bottom line of what they're saying? By focusing on that bottom line, you're training your brain to paraphrase.

• 7:27Matt Abrahams?

  When you listen to one of our episodes, at the end, paraphrase, what's the key takeaway for me? In so doing, much like an athlete, you're doing a drill that will prepare you to better listen and connect when you really need to. So with that, it's clear that listening is critical. We have to listen up to listen in so that we can connect with our audiences and we can make sure that the information has high fidelity. I'd like now to switch and do some listening from you. I'd like to hear your questions. And the first two questions are going to come from premium participants. These are folks who've signed up for our premium offering.

• 8:11Matt Abrahams?

  And I thank all of you who have taken the time to be part of our premium. I'd love to bring Guillermo front and center. Guillermo from Michigan, can you join us, please?

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Hi, Matt. Hi, everyone.

• 8:23Matt Abrahams?

  Excellent. You have a question for us, Guillermo?

• 8:25Speaker 01

  I do, but before I ask my question, Matt, I want to say thank you. Your work has helped me communicate effectively with my family, my friends, at work, and even inside my own mind. So thank you.

• 8:37Matt Abrahams?

  Thank you very much, Guillermo.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  My question is, when we are preparing for a presentation or a speech, how can we choose the right structure, the tools and the techniques based on the audience that we're going to communicate with? For example, when we're preparing for a customer presentation, it might be different, we're going to speak in front of our employees.

• 8:58Matt Abrahams?

  Excellent. So the question is, how do we prepare? And how do we pick the right tools and frameworks to use? It boils down to what you know about your audience and what their expectations are. That's where we start. So we have to do that reconnaissance, reflection and research in advance about who our audience is and what's important to them. Then we have to decide what is our true goal in this moment. And if you've heard me teach or speak before, you know, I believe a goal has three parts: information, emotion and action. And when you have those two together, then you can make some decisions. And those decisions impact the structures that you use, the wording that you choose and the actions that you request.

• 9:41Matt Abrahams?

  So for example, let's say I am pitching a product at a team meeting. I might know that this is a group of very technical people and they are very concerned about how we are going to actually craft this product. So I might define what I am setting up as a problem that we need to solve. Because I know this team of very technical people likes to solve problems. People who are into technology, into science, deeply financial, tend to like problems. So I might say, in our offering, we have one area that's missing. This is a problem that leads to these results.

• 10:23Matt Abrahams?

  By framing it that way, I get more engagement and likely more support. Now, if I wanted that same product to be implemented into our solution and I'm talking to people who might be in sales or marketing, they perhaps might not be as interested in problems as they are opportunities. And an opportunity is where something's not wrong, but could be better. So I could take exactly the same. Same desire, bringing this particular product to our offerings, but frame it differently based on what I know about my audience. So the knowledge of your audience, the goal that you have, guide you to picking the particular frameworks, wording and approach that you take to ultimately get to the ask that you have.

• 11:09Matt Abrahams?

  So Guillermo, it's really about doing that homework upfront. And then, in addition, you can do a little bit of reflection about what has worked in the past for you when doing something similar. So by combining a reflection with what you know about your audience and your goal, you can actually deliver a message that is much more likely to hit the spot. Guillermo, thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. I appreciate you listening and I'm so glad that you have found value from what it is we all do here at Think Fast, Talk Smart. Let's bring in our second premium user. This is Maurice and Maurice, you're calling from Amsterdam in the Netherlands. Thank you.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  My question is about how can we help people to develop in a targeted manner to properly apply the right communication? You explained like French in the space grace. Now we know it, but matters most is practice is learning to apply it and through a learning intervention or simply applying in practice. So what's a good method to learn to apply all this communication knowledge for the level of proficiency you have?

• 12:12Matt Abrahams?

  So it's one thing to learn these skills. It's another thing to apply them. I've been teaching communication skills for over 25 years and have really tried to help people not just gain the insights, but actually apply them. And there are several things that can help. First, we have to make sure that we understand the concept clearly and completely, which means we have to do some thinking about it. One of the big mistakes my students make is they think they get it and then they start. And then they get disappointed because it doesn't go the way that they had expected. So the first step, I believe, is to really take some time to reflect. Reflection is key. What is it that I'm trying to learn? So if you're learning a new framework, many of you know, I'm a big fan of the framework structure. What, so what, now what?

• 12:56Matt Abrahams?

  If you're learning that, you really need to take a moment. To say, do I appreciate and understand each of the different components in that what, so what, and now what? Once I have reflected, I then need to think about ways in which I can apply it that are meaningful to me. To practice something that doesn't feel useful, or you have an understanding of how to deploy it, can make it more challenging. And then finally, we actually have to do the practice in a low stakes manner. So if I'm trying to practice what, so what, now what? I might, at the end of each Think Fast, Talk Smart episode, think to myself, what was that episode about? Why is it important? And how can I use that information?

• 13:38Matt Abrahams?

  But it's not just enough to reflect, to understand how to deploy it, and then to practice. You actually have to do another round of reflection at the end. What worked? What didn't work? What was hard? What was easy? You know, there's that definition, Maurice, of insanity that says doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? That's how many of us go into learning new skills, especially around communication. We just do it and then we move on. We don't take the time to reflect. Now, this process takes time and effort, but if you do, you can truly internalize it, and it can really help you. So again, to summarize, you start by reflecting, what really is the communication skill I'm working on? Maybe it's just body posture.

• 14:22Matt Abrahams?

  It's I want to make sure that I look big and balanced, so I pull my shoulder blades down. And then we have to think about where and when and the value it brings, how we can deploy it, and then we reflect after the fact. By going through these activities, both mental and physical, you will be able to take on these new communication skills and make them part of your toolkit, part of your regular practice, so you don't have to think about it. I really appreciate both Guillermo and Maurice's questions. I appreciate them being premium members, and I so appreciate that they derive value from our show. We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, so we can bring you this show for free.

• 15:06Matt Abrahams?

  This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. The best communicators don't just get their message across, they make it easy for people to know what to do next. Your website can do the same thing. With Squarespace, you can build a polished online presence that clearly shows people who you are, what you offer, and how they can work with you. If you offer coaching, consulting, classes, or other services, Squarespace lets you showcase those offerings, take payments, and use Acuity Scheduling so people can book time with you directly. And with built-in analytics, you can see how people are finding and engaging with your site, helping you make smarter decisions about where to focus. So your online presence doesn't just look professional, it helps people take action.

• 15:48Matt Abrahams?

  Go to Squarespace.com/thinkfast for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code THINKFAST to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hi, Matt here. Sometimes the biggest obstacle to getting something done isn't the idea, the plan, or even the budget. It's finding the right person to help you execute. And the longer that takes, the easier it is to lose momentum. That's where today's sponsor, Upwork, can help. Upwork gives businesses fast access to highly skilled freelance professionals across areas like marketing, design, software development, AI, and business operations. And with Business Plus, you can access the top 1% of talent on Upwork.

• 16:32Matt Abrahams?

  AI-powered shortlisting gives you a curated list of freelancers matched to your goals in under six hours. So you can spend less time searching for the right person and more time actually moving the work forward. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That's Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U.P.W.O.R.K. com. Upwork.com.

• 16:59Matt Abrahams?

  Now it's time to hear from all of you. I'd love to hear from those of you who have questions. If you type in your questions, we have a team of people behind the scenes who are queuing them up. I can't promise that I'll get to every question, but I certainly want to get to as many as I can. I see we have a question about how to intentionally slow down. This is from Shelby. How do I intentionally slow down a conversation? Maybe it's an emotional conversation where it feels like we're ignoring the other person if we don't speak back immediately. Thank you, Shelby. The pace of conversations can feel really demanding, but in fact, we have control over the pace. I can imagine an emotional conversation that we're having where somebody is sharing information.

• 17:42Matt Abrahams?

  Maybe they're even upset with me or the situation and they're speaking quickly. It is very easy to get caught up in that and feel like we have to respond right away. Instead, we might benefit. And I think we can all think of situations where it would have been better had we slowed down just a little bit. Where taking a little pause to slow down would help. And there are a few ways to do this. One is just giving yourself permission. Again, it goes back to that idea of grace. We have to give ourselves a little bit of grace to be present in that circumstance. Maybe we're emotional, maybe we're confused or concerned, and that can cause a lot of jumbled thoughts. So to take time to slow down can help. Several ways to do it. One, ask for it.

• 18:24Matt Abrahams?

  Simply say, give me a moment to process that or let me think about that. It's okay to do it. In fact, in many cases, people see that as your attempt to really connect and provide a response that's appropriate, accurate, and useful. Another way is to ask some clarifying questions. You can clarify when somebody says something, you can ask a question and that question buys you a little bit of time to think about your answers. And it might help specify what it is that you need to say. And finally, we talked about paraphrasing when I was giving my brief talk. Paraphrasing is a great way to buy yourself time. Because as you're paraphrasing, you can actually be thinking about how you want to respond, slowing things down for yourself.

• 19:08Matt Abrahams?

  Paraphrasing is what we call a lower order cognitive skill. That's just a fancy academic way for saying that we can actually think and do the paraphrase at the same time. So there are ways that you can slow down a conversation to help you respond appropriately. Now, there are times where it's not about you slowing down. It's about getting the other person to slow down. They're getting wound up because they're excited, they're nervous, they're emotional. By taking a step back and acknowledging what's happening. So simply saying, "I hear you have a lot of passion here," or "It sounds like this issue has lots of different components and facets." By taking the time to just call out what's happening in the moment can often slow people down.

• 19:53Matt Abrahams?

  People can get wound up and keep going, and by taking a step back and saying, "Wow, there's a lot of emotion going on," or "This topic is really complex," that can slow others down. So there are things you can do to slow yourself down and to slow the other person or people down that can help the conversation be more manageable. Shelby, thank you for that question, and I hope some of what I've said there can be helpful. John asks the question, "What are some good online resources to practice applying our communication skills and getting feedback?" Somebody who teaches communication skills is certainly going to say that coursework and classes are absolutely wonderful opportunities. Another avenue is through organizations like Toastmasters.

• 20:37Matt Abrahams?

  I am a huge supporter of Toastmasters. It is an organization designed to help people practice their skills. Toastmasters exists all over the world. In fact, I was recently at their international convention. And Toastmasters, just like a class, are all about giving you opportunities to speak and opportunities to get useful, constructive feedback. Now, you don't have to go to that extent where you have to sign up for something and show up for something. You can also just reflect on your own. So for example, you can, at the end of the day, at the end of a meeting, think to yourself, "What worked? What didn't work?" That reflection helps. And my students will tell you.

• 21:18Matt Abrahams?

  Digitally recording yourself is an amazing way to get the practice and to see what's going on. We are not the best judges of our communication. One of my former co-instructors, Kristin Hansen, likes to talk about the perception gap, our perception of our communication versus what others see. Recording yourself, while painful, can actually be incredibly helpful. I like to joke with my students that digitally recording yourself and watching it is like going to the dentist. Many of us don't enjoy going to the dentist, but we sure are glad that we went. When you digitally record yourself, I encourage you to watch and listen in a particular way. After you've recorded yourself, listen only. Don't watch, just listen. So if you did

• 22:01Matt Abrahams?

  it on your phone, turn it around and just listen to what you sound like. And then, second, watch without listening. Turn the volume down. And then, finally, watch and listen together. You will see so many different things in each mode that you pay attention. So, John, there's lots you can do to build your skills. You can rely on organizations like Toastmasters or educational opportunities. You can digitally record yourself. You can do personal reflection. Whatever you do, keep learning and working on your communication skills. It is foundational to success in our personal and our professional lives. Thank you for those questions. A special thanks to our premium members, Guillermo and Maurice, and the other premium members who

• 22:44Matt Abrahams?

  ask questions. I'd like to share some specifics about things we have upcoming. I am thrilled about some really exciting opportunities we are bringing to the Think Fast, Talk Smart community. Available today, in addition to our normal premium offering, we have brought the podcast to Apple Premium. Many of you listen to our podcast on Apple. You can now do so in a premium fashion if you so choose. We are bringing an AI coach where you will be able to interact with me directly through spoken word and get feedback on your communication. And finally, we are building out a learning hub, a community hub where you can join, not only to get actual coursework

• 23:28Matt Abrahams?

  From me, but to meet other like-minded Think Fast, Talk Smart listeners and coordinate and collaborate, we'll be bringing book clubs and you'll even have the chance to get feedback from me on specific communication situations that you have. So while Apple Premium is available today, the AI Coach and the Learning Hub are coming very soon. And I end not only by saying thank you, but I have a favor to ask. I would love for each of you to take just a moment to give us a five-star rating on whatever tool you use to listen to us, be it Spotify, Apple, Amazon, whatever, and writing a positive review. This actually helps extend the reach of the podcast and our whole goal is to help people around the world improve their communication. So give us a five-star rating, give us a

• 24:13Matt Abrahams?

  positive review. It's a great way of showing your gratitude for Think Fast, Talk Smart. And then please, share the show with your friends, your family, your colleagues. That's how we've grown over all these years. So with that, I will simply say thank you for joining us. We will do another AMA in the future. It is a true pleasure to do this work. Thank you and all the best.

• 24:38Matt Abrahams?

  Thank you for listening to this special AMA Ask Matt Anything, episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To hear more answers to your questions, check out episode 17. For more on listening, tune into episode 114 with Julian Treasure. This episode was produced by Catherine Reed, Shelby Meriwether, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with special thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also, follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok, and Instagram. And check out FasterSmarter.io for deep dive

• 25:19Matt Abrahams?

  videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please consider our premium offering for extended Deep Thinks episodes, AMAs, and more at FasterSmarter.io/premium. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.