173. Rethinks: Surviving the Holidays

Master holiday conversations. The holiday season is a time of joy, connection, and, occasionally, communication challenges and as we gather with family, friends, and colleagues, effective communication becomes crucial. To help make this time more enjoyable, this special Think Fast Talk Smar https://www.fastersmarter.io/t “Rethinks” episode revisits favorite “recipes” from past Stanford guests along with Matt’s advice for tackling three common holiday scenarios: contributing effectively to ongoing conversations, engaging in meaningful small talk, and managing conflict with clarity and empathy. Whether it's making small talk or resolving conflicts, these strategies aim to turn holiday communication hurdles into opportunities for connection and collaboration. Episode Reference Links: Ep.169 Don't Be a ZQ: Make Your Conversations Count https://www.fastersmarter.io/169-dont-be-a-zq-make-your-conversations-count/ Connect: Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart Premium https://www.fastersmarter.io/premium/Email Questions & Feedback >>> [email protected] Transcripts >>>Think Fast Talk Smart Website https://www.fastersmarter.io/173-Rethinks-Surviving-the-Holidays/Newsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>>FasterSmarter.io http://fastersmarter.io/Think Fast Talk Smart >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/think-fast-talk-smart/,Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thinkfasttalksmart/, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6caGRBUYZCmgDGM2RK6mxKB9jG_ccmm3Matt Abrahams >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/maabrahams/ Chapters: (00:00) - Introduction (01:59) - Challenge 1: Inserting Your Voice into Conversations (03:14) - Expert Insights on Inserting Ideas (05:00) - Challenge 2: Mastering Small Talk (06:36) - Expert Strategies for Small Talk (08:38) - Challenge 3: Managing Holiday Conflicts (10:25) - Expert Tips for Conflict Resolution (12:02) - Conclusion ******** Thank you to our sponsors. These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost. Learn more about how Notion https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast can support your business at notion.com/thinkfast. https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast Join our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. https://learning.fastersmarter.io/?redirect_from=podpage

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt Abrahams?

  In the moment, conflict is difficult for everyone. In our October newsletter, out now, you will learn ways to help yourself handle these challenges better. Not only do you get specific advice, we're also providing an infographic to help you remember. Find our newsletter on the Think Fast, Talk Smart LinkedIn page or at fastersmarter.io under Resources. The holidays can bring out the best and worst in our communication and relationships. In this Rethinks: Best of episode, we revisit advice from 2021 that still rings true today. Listen in to learn best practices from across many of our episodes on how to manage the

• 0:40Matt Abrahams?

  stresses of the holidays. Once again, we are approaching the holiday season. As the year draws to a close, and many of us draw nearer to our family, friends, and work colleagues, we often find ourselves cooking up yummy recipes to share and celebrate over. Yet invariably, these interactions lead to challenges and awkward communication situations. So for this episode, we've decided to get into the Communication Kitchen to bring you a show filled of some of our favorite communication recipes to enhance your speaking and help you navigate holiday challenges. I'm Matt Abrahams, and I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School

• 1:25Matt Abrahams?

  of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know at the end of each episode, I ask all of my guests the same question: Name three ingredients in a successful communication recipe. I have received a wide range of really helpful answers, some funny, some unconventional, and some have changed the way I think about communication. So here's our holiday gift to you. We've compiled some of the best ingredient lists we've received and present them here as strategies to help you handle three very common communication challenges that you

• 2:07Matt Abrahams?

  might experience during your holiday season. First, how to excel at small talk. Second, how to insert yourself into a conversation. And third, how to handle conflict.

• 2:21Matt Abrahams?

  Communication challenge one. How do you insert your voice in a conversation that's already going on? We don't want to seem rude or as if we're interrupting, yet at the same time, we want others to hear our point of view. Here are a few things you can do to help. First, think of leveraging a paraphrase. A paraphrase is where you summarize or distill down a key point that has been discussed and you simply insert your point after it. So you could say something like, "Cost, that's something I've been thinking a lot about." Or, "Hawaii, that's a place that I've always wanted to travel to." Then you follow up with your idea or input. You could also ask a question. As the conversation is going on, simply throw out a question like, "I'm curious about."

• 3:06Matt Abrahams?

  That's another way to politely get your point of view into the conversation. And finally, you can lead or wedge into the conversation using emotion. Something like, "I'm concerned about," or "I'm excited by." Those are phrases that give you permission to interrupt and get your point across. Taken together, paraphrasing, asking a question, or sharing an emotion are great ways to get your voice heard and to insert what it is you'd like to say into the conversation. Here are three recipes from former guests that help give insight into how you can insert your ideas into a conversation. First, we'll hear from Associate Dean at Stanford Graduate School of Business, Brian Lowry, followed by GSB lecturer Rob Siegel,

• 3:51Matt Abrahams?

  and then finally, Stanford neuroscientist Andrew Huberman. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe?

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Um, the first two jump right out to me. The third one is less clear. So I would say know your audience. One, you have to know who you're speaking to. I think you have to have a sense of what your goals are. What is it that you're trying to achieve? What do you want your audience to do? That's the second one. Know what you want your audience to feel might be the third.

• 4:23Matt Abrahams?

  Mm hmm.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  So I would say I'm going to separate the do and feel to get two out of that.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  I would say number one, a clear takeaway, like get your message out concisely. Number two, showing general interest and enthusiasm for your topic. And you can't just be on autopilot. And finally, if you can provide insights that are not obvious, if people can walk away thinking, oh, I learned something or that made me think, that will actually keep people wanting to come back for more.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  Passion.

• 4:55Matt Abrahams?

  Mm hmm.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  The speaker has to love the topic. And organizational logic, there has to be a structure

• 5:03Matt Abrahams?

  Mm hmm.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  to the information. It just can't be bullet points. And clarity. People walk away understanding more than they did at the beginning, then you've won. It's back to the, the most important thing to do is to teach your audience, educate them.

• 5:22Matt Abrahams?

  Next up is communication challenge two, small talk. Small talk can be challenging year round, but during the holiday season, we're often needing to talk to lots of people we often don't spend a lot of time with, or in some cases even know. What can we do to get a conversation going? And how do we sustain that conversation? Perhaps one of the best ways to do this is to use a strategy I've mentioned several times before on the podcast. And that is what? So what? Now what? What is the information you want to share? Maybe it's your hobby or a recent experience or a current challenge you're facing. The so what is why it's important to you and perhaps to the people you're talking to.

• 6:07Matt Abrahams?

  And then finally, now what? It's what you're going to do about it, or maybe it's a question you ask others about what they think. This not only works well for you to initiate small talk, but you can get others to share their ideas and opinions using this exact same approach. Simply ask these questions. What? Ask what somebody's interested in or what they're enjoying currently. So what? Ask them why it's important and what they've learned. And then finally, ask them now what? Ask for some advice or next steps. For example, if you know someone has started binge watching a new TV show, you could ask, what's the show about? Why do you like it? And how and where can I find it to start watching?

• 6:51Matt Abrahams?

  The what, so what, now what tool is a very powerful way to initiate small talk or get others to chat with you. Here are some more communication recipes from previous guests that apply to this concept. First, we'll hear from Stanford professors Jeff Hancock and Sarah Singer, and then we'll hear from Stanford GSB lecturer Bert Alber. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe from your perspective?

• 7:21Speaker 03

  Right, so first is structure. The second is story, which is sort of related. And the third is your audience. We are not islands in the stream, despite Dolly and Roger's freight song. But we communicate together. Everything we do is a collaboration and a joint action. And so you have to think about our audience as kind of collaborators, the structure of what it is we want to do. I think that's where I spend most of my work and time when I'm doing talks. And then, like I said before, telling the story.

• 7:54Speaker 04

  So the ones for me, I think, are a message, an important message that you find meaningful, that you want to convey. And the second is a connection. So thinking about how does your message relate to the people that you're trying to reach? And the third, as we've been talking about, is a story that most people to agree or to action. So climate change is a classic example of this. Reform advocates first talked about polar bears losing their ice, and it was less compelling than the kind of message that you're hearing now, which is about, you know, this is critical for the survival of your children and your grandchildren, and we need to do something about it.

• 8:37Speaker 05

  I'm gonna go alliterative on you. Passion, preparation, and personality. I want you to bring all the enthusiasm that you have for the topic. I want you to prepare in advance so that you know what your audience needs and wants. And I want you to bring your own personal style and flair to whatever conversation you're having.

• 9:01Matt Abrahams?

  Communication challenge three, conflict. Unfortunately, the holidays can often bring conflict and emotional reactions. There are many ways to approach conflict, but the one I think works best is to see conflict as a problem to be solved. Solving this type of problem requires a collaboration between you and the other folks involved. Of course, this can be challenging for many reasons, including the emotions that you bring. And often, many of these conflicts, especially when it comes to family and friends, are things that have been simmering and existing for a long while. If there's a way that you can manage those emotions first, maybe take a walk around

• 9:42Matt Abrahams?

  the block, write down some of the emotions you're feeling, or talk to a trusted other about these emotions. You need to express them, but perhaps not to the individual or individuals you're having the conflict with, at least at first. Once you have your emotions addressed, remember that conflict is an invitation to problem solve, which means you want your communication to be about the problem, not the people. Take the time to listen and understand the other person's perspective. Often, after truly actively listening, you realize that there are lots of opportunities for common ground and collaboration. We'll be right back to finish our conversation, but first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors.

• 10:27Matt Abrahams?

  Their support covers the cost of production, so we can bring you this show for free.

• 10:32Matt Abrahams?

  This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. The best communicators don't just get their message across, they make it easy for people to know what to do next. Your website can do the same thing. With Squarespace, you can build a polished online presence that clearly shows people who you are, what you offer, and how they can work with you. If you offer coaching, consulting, classes, or other services, Squarespace lets you showcase those offerings, take payments, and use Acuity Scheduling so people can book time with you directly. And with built-in analytics, you can see how people are finding and engaging with your site, helping you make smarter decisions about where to focus. So your online presence doesn't just look professional, it helps people take action.

• 11:14Matt Abrahams?

  Go to Squarespace.com/thinkfast for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code THINKFAST to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hi, Matt here. Sometimes the biggest obstacle to getting something done isn't the idea, the plan, or even the budget. It's finding the right person to help you execute. And the longer that takes, the easier it is to lose momentum. That's where today's sponsor, Upwork, can help. Upwork gives businesses fast access to highly skilled freelance professionals across areas like marketing, design, software development, AI, and business operations. And with Business Plus, you can access the top 1% of talent on Upwork. AI-powered shortlisting

• 11:59Matt Abrahams?

  gives you a curated list of freelancers matched to your goals in under six hours. So you can spend less time searching for the right person and more time actually moving the work forward. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That's Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U.P.W.O.R.K. dot com. Upwork.com.

• 12:25Matt Abrahams?

  Finally, when it comes to dealing with conflict, be clear in terms of what it is you're looking for. Sometimes we're so frustrated, we just want change, but we're not sure what that change is. Make sure you understand what it is you're looking for and be able to clearly articulate it. Taken together, this advice can help you have a more enjoyable holiday time and productively manage conflict if it arises. Let's once again listen to some of the advice and recipes our former guests have given. We'll hear this time from Stanford professors Tina Selig and Jeannie Tsai and GSB professor Maggie Neal.

• 13:03Speaker 06

  Stand tall, you know, just hold the space. Sometimes, I mean, there's a tendency to want to rush through what you're saying and to kind of be, feel like somehow you're taking up people's time. But they're there to hear you. So you want to stand tall, slow down and tell a story.

• 13:21Speaker 07

  So I think it's to know who you're speaking to and to anticipate what they might be interested in. And at the same time, to be really open to them and realize that you might not know everything about them. That counts as one ingredient. The second one is to be clear about what your message is, to think about the limited attention spans of everyone, all of us. So to really think carefully about what are the three things you want your audience to take home with them. And then the third, I guess I already mentioned it in the context of the first one, is to really pay attention to people's responses.

• 13:56Speaker 06

  First one is concern for the other. If I'm trying to communicate to somebody, I need to understand where they are. And I need to frame my communication in a way that meets them where they are. And then I need to sort of help figure out how that communication can move them to a place that I would prefer them to be. And so that's why I think, for example, negotiation is such an important skill.

• 14:22Speaker 04

  Maybe together, we can come up with a better solution than either one of us could have imagined separately.

• 14:30Matt Abrahams?

  It is my hope that the tools we have discussed for inserting your voice into existing conversations, making small talk and managing conflicts can help make your holidays more enjoyable and less stressful. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more about small talk, please listen to episode 169 with Alison Woodbrooks. And to learn more about conflict management, please join Think Fast, Talk Smart Premium at fastersmarter.io/premium to hear a special Equips playlist that combines three previous episodes with some valuable learning guidance. Find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us.

• 15:14Matt Abrahams?

  Also, follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram and check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content and our newsletter. We wish you a healthy and happy holiday season.

• 15:43Matt Abrahams?

  Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.