175. Mastering Toasts and Tributes: Making Your Words Count

Crafting impactful toasts for every occasion. "Almost reflexively, most of us focus in the moment on how others are perceiving us, yet these situations aren't about us at all." Matt Abrahams, host of Think Fast, Talk Smart https://www.fastersmarter.io/, shares an excerpt from his book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You're Put on the Spot https://geni.us/qZXj, on the art of delivering effective toasts and tributes. With a focus on public speaking in celebratory contexts, he offers a structured approach to crafting meaningful remarks. Matt introduces the WHAT structure—a four-part formula designed to guide speakers through the process. This method helps ensure that the focus remains on the honorees, transforming speeches into gifts for the audience. He further shares tips for refining remarks, including the importance of brevity and the need to prepare for emotional moments. Matt advises, "Be brief and to the point. Long toasts, tributes, or introductions are usually bad ones." He also highlights the significance of setting others up for success, ensuring a smooth flow for subsequent speakers. With insights from his book and practical examples, Matt equips listeners with the tools to deliver impactful toasts and tributes, making these moments memorable for all involved. Audio excerpt courtesy of Simon & Schuster Audio from THINK FASTER, TALK SMARTER by Matt Abrahams, read by the author. Copyright 2023 by Matthew Abrahams LLC. Used with permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc. Episode Reference Links: Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You're Put on the Spot https://geni.us/qZXj Connect: Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart Premium https://www.fastersmarter.io/premium/Email Questions & Feedback >>> [email protected] Transcripts >>>Think Fast Talk Smart Website https://www.fastersmarter.io/175-mastering-toasts-and-tributes-making-your-words-count/Newsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>>FasterSmarter.io http://fastersmarter.io/Think Fast Talk Smart >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/think-fast-talk-smart/,Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thinkfasttalksmart/, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6caGRBUYZCmgDGM2RK6mxKB9jG_ccmm3Matt Abrahams >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/maabrahams/ Chapters: (00:00) - Introduction (00:45) - Key Insight: Toasts, Tributes, and Introductions (02:16) - Why it Matters (03:06) - Craft Your Content (04:17) - Step One: Why Are We Here? (05:01) - Step Two: How Are You Connected? (05:52) - Step Three: Anecdotes or Learnings (07:00) - Step Four: Thank (07:42) - Refine Your Remarks (08:09) - Tip One: Be Brief and to the Point (08:59) - Tip Two: Prepare to be Emotional (10:51) - Tip Three: Shine the Spotlight Away From You (11:21) - Tip Four: Make Your Anecdotes Accessible and Appropriate (11:51) - Tip Five: Strive for Unity (13:14) - Tip Six: Set Others Up for Success (14:07) - Conclusion ******** Thank you to our sponsors. These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost. Learn more about how Notion https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast can support your business at notion.com/thinkfast. https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast Join our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. https://learning.fastersmarter.io/?redirect_from=podpage

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt Abrahams?

  In the moment, conflict is difficult for everyone. In our October newsletter, out now, you will learn ways to help yourself handle these challenges better. Not only do you get specific advice, we're also providing an infographic to help you remember. Find our newsletter on the Think Fast, Talk Smart LinkedIn page or at fastersmarter.io under Resources. We have all suffered through a bad toast, be it at a work event, a holiday party, or a wedding. We must avoid giving tributes that put us and our honorees in a bad light. I'm Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

• 0:44Matt Abrahams?

  Toasts and tributes are some of the most frequent public speaking events most of us are called upon to deliver. To help us all feel and do better in these situations, I'd like to share the audio chapter from my latest book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter, where I provide guidance on how to deliver toasts that tantalize and tributes that treat our honorees well. Key Insight Toasts, tributes, and introductions are some of the most common instances of spontaneous speaking out there. Whether it's at product launches, panels, weddings, quinceañeras, funerals, or luncheons, we often must speak up to mark life events, celebrate accomplishments, and introduce others.

• 1:27Matt Abrahams?

  Almost reflexively, most of us focus in the moment on how others are perceiving us. Yet these situations aren't about us at all. The whole point of these public moments is to say something meaningful about others, whether they're individuals, teams, or organizations. To help break our habit of focusing on our own worries and needs, we can think of toasts, tributes, and introductions as gifts we bestow on our audience and the people or groups we are acknowledging. Just as we consider what kinds of tangible gifts people might like, want, or need, something similar holds for our spoken gifts. Our focus on our recipients leads us to consider the best way to package our gift,

• 2:12Matt Abrahams?

  and that in turn prompts us to think about structure. After all, we want others to access our gifts without much effort. We want them to enjoy our verbal offerings and to remember them. By deploying a structure, we can make our toasts, tributes, and introductions more focused, clear, and concise, so that those we're acknowledging enjoy what they're hearing and feel like they've gotten their due. Why it matters Celebratory comments often feel obligatory or even a necessary evil, but they actually can serve an array of important functions. In the course of honoring and recognizing a person, team, or organization that matters

• 2:55Matt Abrahams?

  to us, we can demonstrate the respect, caring, sense of connection, and understanding we have for them. We also can set the tone for the larger event at which we're speaking, focusing the audience and calibrating their expectations for other speakers who might follow us. We can build closer bonds with honorees while enhancing our audience's sense of collegiality and immediacy. And with a structure to fall back on, these occasions may turn out to be less daunting than we presume. Craft your content A useful structure to invoke if someone asks you to offer up celebratory or commemorative

• 3:37Matt Abrahams?

  remarks is a four-part formula that I call WHAT. W: Why are we here? First, identify the context for the gathering. For instance, we might have convened to celebrate the life of the deceased, to honor a team's strong efforts, and so on. H: How are you connected? Let the audience know who you are and why you are speaking. A: Anecdotes or Learnings. Offer the audience some stories and/or lessons you learned that relate to the person, group, or event you're commemorating.

• 4:18Matt Abrahams?

  Make these stories or lessons relatable, appropriate, and concise.

• 4:25Matt Abrahams?

  T: Thank. Express gratitude and offer well wishes to the person, group, or event that you're commemorating.

• 4:34Matt Abrahams?

  Let's take a closer look at each of these steps.

• 4:38Matt Abrahams?

  Step number one: Why are we here? Clarify the purpose of the event as you see it. Doing so helps others focus and sets expectations for what is to come. Defining the event for your audience also allows you to express emotion, convey the event's importance, and begin to celebrate the subjects of your communication.

• 5:01Matt Abrahams?

  Examples: Because of her many professional accomplishments, I am super excited to hear Shandra speak today about the entertainment business and her inspiring career as a recording artist who is also on the Broadway stage. This wedding brings together two of the most caring and special people I know.

• 5:23Matt Abrahams?

  Step number two: How are you connected? Often, some of your listeners won't know who you are or what your role in the event is. Take a moment to share the nature of your relationship to those whom you're commemorating. Doing so can also allow you to slip in some background information about the subject of your talk, and perhaps even a bit of humor.

• 5:47Matt Abrahams?

  Examples: Shandra and I studied voice together at Juilliard for six pivotal months and eventually recorded our first album together way back in 1994.

• 6:00Matt Abrahams?

  Not only have I known both of the soon-to-be newlyweds for over a decade, but I was the one who introduced them at, of all places, a Star Trek convention. Who knew that a Klingon and a Romulan would fall in love and get married?

• 6:16Matt Abrahams?

  Step number three: anecdotes or learnings.

• 6:21Matt Abrahams?

  Now you share the bulk of your engaging content, including humor, emotion, and lessons learned. In line with advice given earlier in this audiobook, make sure your stories have structure, are appropriate, have a clear point, and aren't too long. When it comes to length, think a few minutes, not tens of minutes.

• 6:42Matt Abrahams?

  Examples: I am continuously amazed at how Chandra can take a jazz standard that we've all heard a hundred times before and breathe new life into it. I've learned many things from her, but perhaps the most important is how a great song sung from the heart and with real intelligence can instantly transport you.

• 7:05Matt Abrahams?

  The first time these two met, they each asked me separately to interrupt their conversation about how many tribbles can fit on the Starship Enterprise so they could go home early. Although they're both diehard Trekkies, they were not having a good time. It's a good thing I ignored them both.

• 7:24Matt Abrahams?

  Step number four: thank.

• 7:28Matt Abrahams?

  Conclude by expressing gratitude to the audience and/or to those you're commemorating. Again, you might find an opportunity to slip in additional background information about those whom you're commemorating.

• 7:40Matt Abrahams?

  Examples: I want to thank Chandra for being a great collaborator and friend. I know you will learn a lot from her. Please welcome two-time Grammy Award winner Chandra Delacorte to the stage. Thank you for being such amazing friends to me and all of us here. We all wish you the best as you boldly go into this new phase of your relationship and life.

• 8:07Matt Abrahams?

  Refine your remarks. We've all suffered through bad toasts, tributes, and introductions. Not only can they dampen the mood, they also can denigrate and damage the reputation of everyone involved. We can't always anticipate how others will receive what we say. Still, by leveraging the following guidelines, we can improve the odds that our comments will have the positive impact we desire.

• 8:33Matt Abrahams?

  Tip number one: Be brief and to the point.

• 8:38Matt Abrahams?

  Long toasts, tributes, or introductions are usually bad ones. Trying to cover too many topics reduces the impact of your remarks. When you're one of many speakers, think about your remarks in context of the event as a whole. The audience will become restless if each speaker takes up too much time, gives remarks that feel unfocused or too broad, or repeats the same material. I have yet to hear someone complain that a commemoration of someone else was too short. Share only enough information to appropriately honor those involved, given the context in which you're speaking. A good tribute succinctly and memorably acknowledges what makes the subject of the tribute special, and that's all it does.

• 9:23Matt Abrahams?

  Tip number two: Prepare to be emotional. In many cases, toasts, tributes, and introductions elicit strong emotions, both positive, in the case of weddings, graduations, bar mitzvahs, or quinceañeras, and negative, divorces, funerals, retirements. Consider how you might respond in these situations if your emotions begin to flow. If you anticipate losing control, make a plan ahead of time with someone who might step in should you need them. Alternatively, be prepared yourself to jump to a closing line so you can step aside. While tempting, reading from notes on paper or a phone can often make things worse when you're highly emotional. It is easy to get distracted, and it can cause you to disconnect from your audience.

• 10:10Matt Abrahams?

  Think too about your audience's emotional state and tailor your remarks to them as best you can. If you're at a wedding and you're expected to channel love for the newly betrothed, will other emotions peek through in a story you might think to tell? Similarly, is now the time to chime in with some salty humor that might turn off some audience members? Be mindful about appropriate ways you might express emotion publicly, given your relationship to the person or people being celebrated and the breadth of guests who will be in attendance. Audiences at a corporate event celebrating a product launch will usually expect a project manager to show more emotion than a senior leader.

• 10:50Matt Abrahams?

  After all, the project manager was much more intimately involved with the team that did the work. A senior leader who seemed overly moved might come across as inauthentic or even a bit odd. Reflect for a quick moment on what you mean to the person being celebrated and what audiences expect you to mean to them. Be sure to stay in bounds.

• 11:14Matt Abrahams?

  Tip number three: Be vigilant about shining the spotlight away from you.

• 11:21Matt Abrahams?

  When you're telling a story about the person you're commemorating, keep details about yourself and your own involvement to a minimum. Refrain from saying too much about what you think. A good way to assess how you're doing in this respect is to notice whether you're using the word "I" a lot in your remarks. If you are, then see if you might turn the focus to the subject of your communication.

• 11:45Matt Abrahams?

  Tip number four: Make your anecdotes accessible and appropriate.

• 11:51Matt Abrahams?

  No one likes to feel left out. Avoid stories that only a few people in the audience will understand and appreciate. Make sure the content of your stories and any curse words you use are appropriate for your audience. If you feel it necessary or desirable to use a piece of jargon or an acronym, briefly explain the term to your audience by way of background.

• 12:15Matt Abrahams?

  Tip number five, strive for unity. The world is increasingly polarized and many people hold passionate views. Since you likely seek to forge deeper relationships and connections, public remarks meant to honor another person or group are a time to seek out common ground. Offer commentary that everyone in your audience can support without compromising your own values. This might seem challenging, but it's my experience that middle ground almost always exists when you search earnestly for it. We'll be right back to finish our conversation, but first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, so we can bring you this show for free.

• 12:58Matt Abrahams?

  This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. The best communicators don't just get their message across, they make it easy for people to know what to do next. Your website can do the same thing. With Squarespace, you can build a polished online presence that clearly shows people who you are, what you offer, and how they can work with you. If you offer coaching, consulting, classes, or other services, Squarespace lets you showcase those offerings, take payments, and use Acuity Scheduling so people can book time with you directly. And with built-in analytics, you can see how people are finding and engaging with your site, helping you make smarter decisions about where to focus. So your online presence doesn't just look professional, it helps people take action.

• 13:40Matt Abrahams?

  Go to Squarespace.com/thinkfast for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code THINKFAST to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hi, Matt here. Sometimes the biggest obstacle to getting something done isn't the idea, the plan, or even the budget. It's finding the right person to help you execute. And the longer that takes, the easier it is to lose momentum. That's where today's sponsor, Upwork, can help. Upwork gives businesses fast access to highly skilled freelance professionals across areas like marketing, design, software development, AI, and business operations. And with Business Plus, you can access the top 1% of talent on Upwork.

• 14:24Matt Abrahams?

  AI-powered shortlisting gives you a curated list of freelancers matched to your goals in under six hours. So you can spend less time searching for the right person and more time actually moving the work forward. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That's upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U.P.W.O.R.K. com. Upwork.com.

• 14:51Matt Abrahams?

  Suppose you find yourself celebrating a team's successful merger. If this team is led by a manager whose approach and political beliefs run counter to yours, you can focus on how this team reflected your corporate values rather than the manager's personal ones. This speech might not be the right opportunity to needle that manager for their approach or beliefs. If you simply cannot avoid it or would feel disingenuous giving a speech that did not address the differences, then perhaps you should suggest that someone else give the remarks. But if you can, use this opportunity to create a bridge to discuss the corporate values and priorities you want to see adopted by the newly merged team. This might, in turn, create an opening for a more intimate and honest

• 15:35Matt Abrahams?

  conversation with this manager or team down the line.

• 15:40Matt Abrahams?

  Tip number six. Set others up for success. Think of yourself as the opening act for whoever follows you, the next speaker, the person you introduce, and so forth. Try your best to set them up for success. I often refer to this as clearing the runway so those who follow you can enjoy a smooth and timely takeoff. Provide logistics, agenda, and housekeeping information. End your comments on a positive note, leaving people engaged and excited for what is next. Imagine how you would like someone to introduce you and do the same. You might say, in advance of formally introducing the next speaker, Juana has lots of interesting things to say. Before I introduce her, I wanted to let you know that we will be providing notes

• 16:25Matt Abrahams?

  of what she discusses after the talk. And we'll have some drinks and light snacks in the bar area tonight after we conclude.

• 16:33Matt Abrahams?

  Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. This episode was produced by me, Matt Abrahams, with help from Podium Podcast Company. The audio excerpt is courtesy of Simon & Schuster Audio from Think Faster, Talk Smarter by me, Matt Abrahams, read by me. Copyright 2023. Used with permission by Simon & Schuster, Inc. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also, follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram and check out FasterSmarter.io for deep-dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter.

• 17:16Matt Abrahams?

  Consider our premium offering for extended Deep Thinks episodes, Ask Matt Anythings, and much more at FasterSmarter.io/premium. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.