Session 482: The Lessons We Weren't Taught About Love

This week we're back with another Ask Dr. Joy episode and today all of your questions are about the unspoken gaps in how many of us were raised to think about love. Dr. Joy discusses getting back into dating after years away, feeling a quiet disconnect with your spouse, and finally naming why relationships often feel so hard to navigate. These are the kinds of realizations that can sit with you for years before you find the words and today's conversation is about giving yourself the grace to learn what you didn't know you were missing. About the Podcast The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Resources & Announcements Want to reflect on this conversation in community? Join us inside our Patreon https://community.therapyforblackgirls.com/ community where we’re unpacking this episode together. You can now catch episodes of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@therapyforblackgirls. Be sure to subscribe to get new episodes every week. Did you know you can leave us a voice note with your questions for the podcast? If you have a question you'd like some feedback on, topics you'd like to hear covered, or want to suggest movies or books for us to review, drop us a message at memo.fm/therapyforblackgirls https://memo.fm/therapyforblackgirls and let us know what’s on your mind. We just might share it on the podcast. Grab your copy of Sisterhood Heals. https://www.sisterhoodheals.com/ Connect with Dr. Joy on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/hellodrjoy. Stay Connected​https://click.convertkit-mail.com/27uv20p9mpioh8edr34s8ug63w344hg/58hvh8ug08p6wzc6/dGhlcmFweWZvcmJsYWNrZ2lybHMuY29tb3JibGFja2dpcmxzLmNvbS9wYXRyZW9u Is there a topic you'd like covered on the podcast? Submit it at therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check out the directory at https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/directory. Grab your copy of our guided affirmation and other TBG Merch at therapyforblackgirls.com/shop https://therapyforblackgirls.com/shop. The hashtag for the podcast is #TBGinSession. Make sure to follow us on social media: Instagram: @therapyforblackgirls https://www.instagram.com/therapyforblackgirls Facebook: @therapyforblackgirls https://www.facebook.com/therapyforblackgirls Our Production Team Executive Producers: Dennison Bradford & Gabrielle Collins Director of Podcast & Digital Content: Ellice Ellis Producer: Ndeye Thioubou Production Assistant: Bria Mosley See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at therapyforblackgirls.com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional.

• 0:55Speaker 00

  Hey y'all. Thanks so much for joining me for session 482 of the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. This week, I'm answering some of your questions about dating and relationships. We'll get right into it after a word from our sponsors.

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  Host Nora McInerney is back for an all-new season of The Head Start, embracing the journey brought to you in partnership with AbbVie. As Nora continues her conversations with people living with chronic migraine, she's also reconnecting with familiar voices from seasons past to see where they are now on their journey. Of course, she'll be joined by headache specialist Dr. Christopher Rhine, who offers insight into these challenges and the questions many of us have. So don't miss season four of The Head Start: Embracing the Journey. Listen on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  I'm back with another Ask Dr. Joy episode this week. And today, all of your questions were about the unspoken gaps in how many of us were raised to think about love. I discussed getting back into dating after years away, feeling a quiet disconnect with your spouse, and finally, naming why relationships often feel so hard to navigate. Grab your headphones and let's get into it.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  Hey y'all, and welcome back to another episode of Ask Dr. Joy, where I answer all of your questions about love, life, relationships, career, whatever is on your mind. So if you have a question that you'd like me to weigh in on, please submit it at the form that you can find in the comment section. So today's questions are all about dating, marriage, relationships, and all the messages we may not have gotten when we were younger. Very excited questions, so I'm very excited to dig in today. So here's our first question. I'm 41, and want to begin exploring dating again after not dating for five years. I don't want to use any dating apps, but I still want to get to know people. How can I put myself out there and trust the process?

• 4:45Speaker 00

  So I'm very excited to hear that you are ready to put yourself out there because as glorious as it would be for people that we want to date to just show up to our house, that's not actually how it works. It doesn't typically get doordashed. So you do need to put yourself out there if you are interested in meeting people that you can have great connections with. So I completely hear you on not wanting to use the traditional dating apps like Hinge and, you know, all the other ones. But I do think that there is a way to actually use social media apps as potential dating apps, and not like the Facebook dating, if that still exists. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about using some things, especially or in particular Threads, as a great way to be able to vet people that you might be interested in.

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  And I say Threads because it is text-based, so you don't have to watch any videos or do anything. And it's fairly passive, and you can see what kinds of things people are talking about. How are they commenting towards things that may be of interest to you? Do they have anything that you would consider offensive or like, oh, this gives me the ick? You already know that from just paying attention to what they follow, what they like, what kinds of posts they've replied to. So I think something like a Threads could be an excellent, not traditional dating app, but it can also give you a way to kind of meet people who have similar interests and people that you might click with. So you don't have to use the traditional apps, maybe use something like Threads. But I also think it is completely fine to go old school,

• 6:13Speaker 00

  one, by letting people know that you are interested in meeting new people. So letting your circle know, letting your faith communities know, any group or organization that you're a part of with people that you trust, letting them know like, hey, I'm actually interested in dating and meeting new cool people. Please keep me in mind if you run across somebody or you know someone who you think could be a good match. So going old school and just letting people know, hey, please feel free to make or play matchmaker and introduce me to people that you think I might have a fun time with. I also think if there are not organizations that you're a part of, joining organizations or participating in classes are things where you might meet people who have similar interests. It's just a great way to, one, do things that are of interest to you,

• 6:57Speaker 00

  but also an additional opportunity for you to meet other people who may be similar to you in some way and may actually have things that are cool for you to talk about. So I think putting yourself out there, letting people know that you're interested, and letting them play old school matchmaker can be a great way. And using Threads or Blue Sky or whatever the text-based social media apps is also a great way to put yourself out there. But good luck with your search and congratulations on doing that and putting yourself out there. Our next question. When I got married, I thought I'd always have my partner available to talk to, listen, and be the person I always wanted to be around. We've been married for five years, and I don't feel like I can always talk to him like I used to. Am I the problem?

• 7:42Speaker 00

  So there's not enough information here, but here's something that I would want information from or about if I could, right? What changed? Because it sounds like five years ago, or maybe early in the relationship, you felt like this person was somebody that you could talk to about anything and everything, and now something has changed. And so I'd be curious to know what changed and at what point did you notice the change, right? Is it that you got busier, he got busier? Schedules weren't lining up as much as they used to, but are you immediately going to, am I the problem? And I don't necessarily think that it is you if there is a change in the dynamic, right? It could just be circumstances that have changed.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  But I also want to add that I think that we don't do ourselves and our relationships a service when we expect our romantic partner to be the only person that we are spending time with, confiding in, sharing secrets with, right? Like, it is okay for your partner to be one of those people, but I don't think it is fair. And really, again, doesn't give you the breadth of information and the breadth of experiences that you could have if you were actually sharing this across a group of people, or at least more than one, right? So your romantic partner may be this person, but I also think that it is great to cultivate other relationships with other people so that your partner is not the person that you're expecting to kind of be all these things to you. Vanessa Perel actually talks about this a lot in her work,

• 9:07Speaker 00

  that we have kind of shifted to this idea that our romantic partner needs to be this one thing and meet all of these needs, when really, we need to have a village, a community of people who can meet several different needs for us so that no one part of our system gets strained. So it may not be that anything is wrong or that you are the problem. It may mean that you actually need to expand your idea of support and look for this in other places. So if they're a best friend or a friend who you have not had as many new experiences with, or you've kind of neglected in the name of this relationship, it may be a good idea to kind of dial back into those relationships. Or if those relationships didn't exist, this can be a great opportunity for you to expand your circle

• 9:49Speaker 00

  and look for other people who you can confide in and have relationships and experiences with that are not necessarily your romantic partner. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you are the problem or that anything is necessarily wrong. It could be just circumstantial, but this could also be a great opportunity for you to expand who you are relying on for support and look for some other ways to really strengthen that circle for yourself. I hope that helps. Thank you so much for sharing that question. More from our conversation after the break.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  A rare disease diagnosis can change your life, but it doesn't have to define your future. Tune in for season seven of Untold Stories: Life with a Severe Autoimmune Condition, a Ruby Studio production in partnership with Argenx. Hosted by public health and policy expert Dr. Martine Hackett, Untold Stories: Life with a Severe Autoimmune Condition pushes the conversation within the rare disease community forward. Featuring guests living with MG, CIDP, myositis, SMA, and other rare autoimmune conditions, each episode explores hope, progress, and connection. How does research create new opportunities? How do shared experiences help light the way forward? How do we best show up for each other? Tune in to find out.

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  I stopped believing that my voice mattered and that I could find it again. That's a challenge. I was not feeling very confident creatively, only, again, defiant in my belief that what this is about is express something honest. Say something honest.

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  Host Nora McInerney is back for an all-new season of The Head Start: Embracing the Journey, brought to you in partnership with AbbVie. In each episode, Nora has honest conversations with real people living with chronic migraine, people who are figuring out how to adapt, advocate, and stay connected to the things that bring them joy. This season, she's revisiting familiar voices and introducing new ones who will share their stories about what it means to live with this condition, from the missed moments to the strategies that help them keep going when things feel uncertain. As always, she'll be joined by headache specialist, Dr. Christopher Rhine, who offers insight into these challenges and the questions many of us have. If you're new to the podcast, check out the three previous seasons,

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  each one offering a different perspective on this condition and the theme of resilience, displayed while navigating it. So don't miss season four of The Head Start: Embracing the Journey. Listen on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  And my third question for today. I recently had a slight awakening. I was never taught how to date as a young lady, yet the women in my family would question if I had a boyfriend. My experience with men hasn't been the best, and I settled for many situationships. Why is there so much judgment on women, especially as they get older, to get a man? Yet many times, there was never emphasis on how to date growing up. And I think that this is an excellent question, because if you are like me, you likely had older women in your family who, throughout your childhood and throughout young adulthood, talked about school being the priority, right? So that is where your focus should be. That is where all of your attention should be, is on school and like making a career, making a life for yourself.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  And then at some point, all of that shifts, and then people start questioning like, oh, well, actually, what are you getting married? What are you getting partnered? What are you having kids, right? And so many of us have grown up with this socialization that school and career is the most important thing, and like that's where our skills should lie. And then all of a sudden, family, your support system may shift to thinking about all these other skills that maybe you weren't even paying attention to because you were so focused on school and career. So one, I just want to validate for you that you are likely not the only person having this experience, because I think many of us have been socialized to really focus on school and career throughout our lives. Now, the judgment piece, though, I do think is also related to this idea that romantic relationship is the prize,

• 15:24Speaker 00

  and that if that is not something that you're interested in, or if that is not something that has happened for you yet, then there must be a malfunction somewhere, right? Maybe you're not trying hard enough, or maybe there's something wrong with you. And so, you know, you've not been partnered, when the truth is that that may not actually be a desire for you, right? Or it may not be something that you have put a lot of effort and interest in because you have spent a lot of time cultivating these other skills for yourself. And so I think as we think about the relationships we have with younger women in our lives, whether that be daughters, nieces, cousins, I think it would be of great service for us to expand the conversation around all the things that could be interesting about you. And romantic partnership is probably the lowest on that list, right?

• 16:09Speaker 00

  And so how can we talk to young people and young women about career and education and all of those things, but also about hobbies and interests and travel and music and art? And like, there are no shortage of things that we can talk about that go far beyond the idea of romantic relationship. But if you are now in this place where you're thinking like, okay, I don't actually have the skill that I feel like I need to have to make good decisions or healthy decisions about relationships, and I've ended up in these situationships because I don't quite know what I'm looking for, then I think that that's a fair assessment of maybe your situation. And it's okay to develop some skills around what it looks like to actually make healthy choices in dating. So this may be a great opportunity

• 16:53Speaker 00

  for you to work with a therapist around, what kinds of things am I actually looking for? How do I know what kinds of decisions I should make? Working with a therapist around some of those things could actually yield some incredible results. I would also love for you to look into whether there is some kind of group that you can participate in that hopefully would be facilitated by a licensed mental health professional or somebody who has skills in helping you to develop relationship things, because it is a skill just like any other skill, right? And so if it is not something that you paid attention to, and if you have not had examples of healthy relationships in your life from your mothers and aunts and grandmothers and other people in your life, then you may not actually know what that looks like. And so working with somebody who has had some experience,

• 17:35Speaker 00

  maybe working with couples and has experience and expertise in helping you to understand what kinds of relationship skills you need. And I think seeking that out for yourself, just like we might if we needed an English tutor or if we needed somebody to help us to revise our resume, right? Like, if this is a skill you have recognized that is important for you, then I do think that it is good to maybe find a professional who has expertise in this area and help you to develop some of those skills. But you can also talk to girlfriends who are in what you would consider healthy relationships and help them and ask them for feedback around, how do I make different decisions in relationships? But I also think it can start with you getting clear on, one, is having a romantic relationship

• 18:19Speaker 00

  actually a priority for you, right? Because it could be, but it might not be. It could be something that you're also thinking like, oh, this is the next thing on my list to do. So get clear with yourself about whether this is actually a priority for you. And then start making a list of the things that feel like they would be a good fit for you. So is honesty something that's important to you? Is managing conflict in healthy ways important to you? Like, what kinds of things would feel attractive to you about a partner? And then I think then when you meet people, then you're better able to kind of match them up against this list, right? Not in a hard and fast way, but like, and then like, this is a guideline. This is kind of generally what I think would be a good match for me. And then you can take it from there. Well, this is a great question, and I really appreciate you asking it. So I hope that that feedback helps.

• 19:03Speaker 00

  If you have things that you want me to weigh in on, topics or situations happening in your life that you would like a little bit of feedback about, I would happily consider that. So please submit your question or your thoughts in the form that you'll find in the comment section. Thank you again for joining me for this episode of Ask Dr. Joy.

• 19:24Speaker 05

  I'm always so honored to read the questions you all send in. If there are situations you'd like to hear my thoughts about or questions you'd like me to weigh in on, feel free to share them with me at therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, visit our therapist directory at therapyforblackgirls.com/directory. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at @therapyforblackgirls, and come on over and join us in our Patreon community for exclusive updates, behind-the-scenes content, and much more. You can join us at community.therapyforblackgirls.com. This episode was produced by Elise Ellis, Inde Chubu, and Bria Mosley. Editing was done by Denison Bradford. Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.

• 20:08Speaker 05

  I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care.

• 20:18Speaker 05

  A rare disease diagnosis can change your life, but it doesn't have to define your future. In season seven of Untold Stories: Life with a Severe Autoimmune Condition, host Martine Hackett continues the conversation with people living with MG, CIDP, and the broader rare disease community, exploring what comes after diagnosis through stories of hope, progress, and connection. Produced by Ruby Studio in partnership with Argenx. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 20:48Speaker 03

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• 21:29Speaker 00

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• 23:00Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 23:01Speaker 03

  My fresh detector.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  Uh, your what?

• 23:04Speaker 03

  There it is.

• 23:05Speaker 00

  What is it detecting?

• 23:06Speaker 03

  Fresh produce, fresh meat. Okay, what happens if it detects something really fresh?

• 23:14Speaker 03

  Apparently, we celebrate.

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• 23:27Speaker 01

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