I Have Some Thoughts Minisode | Savannah James, Cornell, & Da’Vinci

Welcome back to our minisode series, "I Have Some Thoughts." These short episodes are designed to contextualize the pop culture moments we're currently paying attention to through a mental health lens. Pop culture isn't just fun to chat about, it can reveal important information about how we relate, cope, and understand ourselves. Join us each Friday to hear Dr. Joy share her thoughts about the happenings of the week. This week, we're chatting about the expectations for Savannah James to pay for friends' travel, what the Cornell sexual assault case reveals about groupthink, and Da'Vinchi's comments about independence in childhood. Stay Connected​https://click.convertkit-mail.com/27uv20p9mpioh8edr34s8ug63w344hg/58hvh8ug08p6wzc6/dGhlcmFweWZvcmJsYWNrZ2lybHMuY29tb3JibGFja2dpcmxzLmNvbS9wYXRyZW9u Wanna chat more about the pop culture hot topics of the week? Join us inside our Patreon https://community.therapyforblackgirls.com/ community. Is there a topic you'd like covered on the podcast? Submit it at therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check out the directory at https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/directory. Make sure to follow us on social media: Instagram: @therapyforblackgirls https://www.instagram.com/therapyforblackgirls Threads: @therapyforblackgirls https://www.threads.com/therapyforblackgirls Our Production Team Executive Producers: Dennison Bradford & Gabrielle Collins Director of Podcast & Digital Content: Ellice Ellis Producer: Ndeye Thioubou Production Assistant: Bria Mosley See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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  A rare disease diagnosis can change your life, but it doesn't have to define your future. In season seven of Untold Stories, Life with a Severe Autoimmune Condition, host Martine Hackett continues the conversation with people living with MG, CIDP, and the broader rare disease community, exploring what comes after diagnosis through stories of hope, progress, and connection. Produced by Ruby Studio in partnership with Argenx. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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• 2:23Speaker 01

  Hey, y'all. Welcome back to I Have Some Thoughts, our weekly therapy for Black girls mini-series series, where we're talking about all things pop culture, but of course, from a mental health lens. And I am joined today again by Elise. Hey, Elise.

• 2:36Speaker 05

  Hi. I'm so excited for today's topics because the first topic, I think, potentially you'll have some sisterhood heels in sight to bring into it.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  We love a sisterhood heels moment.

• 2:50Speaker 05

  Let's get started. So Savannah James and her longtime best friend, April McDaniel, recently discussed their very different financial situations on a podcast. During the conversation, they shared that Savannah sometimes flies first class while April flies business class because first class isn't in April's budget. April said the two understand that they live two different lifestyles and plan trips around what she can't afford. Savannah also emphasized that her friends have never expected her to pay for them simply because she has more money. The conversation has sparked a really spirited debate over whether a significantly wealthier friend should cover upgrades or expenses when traveling with friends.

• 3:33Speaker 05

  And to me, to even add a little context, Savannah James is a part of a billionaire family. And also, when they were talking about the trips, a lot of them were trips that Savannah James had invited April on. And so I do think a lot of people are like, well, if I'm inviting my friend to my home or to an experience, I would want the experience to be egalitarian. And then I think a lot of people are also like Savannah James is the wife of a quote-unquote billionaire. And so I think the tension here is when you have significantly more than your friends, what do you owe them, if anything? And so my question for you, Dr. Joy, is what does an equitable friendship look like

• 4:16Speaker 05

  when the two people don't have equal financial resources?

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Hmm, yeah, this has been spirited is a great word for the debates that it feels like people have had around this conversation. And I think it really does come down to what kinds of conversations have the friends had themselves? Right? Because I think, as you even read, it sounds like April says, "We kind of do trips together based on what I can't afford," right? Unless it's maybe Savannah's birthday and she wants to get all of her girls together and go somewhere. But I think the idea that just because you have a friend who has an extraordinary amount of money, I don't think it's ever a good idea to expect that that person is going to always be picking up the tab. It can introduce some tension around expectations

• 5:02Speaker 01

  and maybe the friend who's wealthier feeling resentful or like, "Oh, are people only wanting to be my friends because I always pick up the tab?" I think it's really important to have conversations around these kinds of things, and it sounds like they have.

• 5:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I think that was important to, one, see people who've been friends for such a long time have the conversation because I think it can be an uncomfortable tension. And I know a lot of people experience it for the first time when they go to college or in post-college. Like, wow, my salary is different or my family background is different from other people's experiences, and they may not have had that register before. And so it was also healthy for me to see them talk through that. What do you think can happen to a friendship when one person begins to feel like they're constantly being asked to subsidize the other person's lifestyle?

• 5:55Speaker 05

  Or on the flip side, how might it feel to be the friend who can't afford the same experiences as everyone else?

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, yeah. I appreciate you bringing up the context of the first time we go to college and realizing people live all these different ways, right? And maybe you're wanting to do a spring break trip and you have to be conscientious, I think, about everybody's budget. And so I think, like I mentioned, one of the things that can happen for the friend who maybe has this expectation to pay is that they can become resentful. "People always expect me to do this." Maybe they feel underappreciated or like that this is their role in the friend circle, which I don't think ever feels good. But I think on the flip side, like you said, for the friend who maybe is the friend who maybe doesn't make as much, it can feel isolating sometimes, right? Like, "Oh, I can't participate in certain things that maybe other people are able to."

• 6:47Speaker 01

  But I also think it can introduce this idea that the friend who makes the money, the one who decides what happens because they're the one paying, right? So are you even on equal footing? And so, again, I think it's just really important to talk about these things and to maybe have a variety of experiences that you participate in as a friend group, right? Maybe we're taking extravagant trips every now and then, but maybe we can also just go to dinner and a movie, right? Like, everything doesn't have to be something that costs a ton of money.

• 7:14Speaker 05

  What words of encouragement, affirmations, or just general verbiage would you give someone who feels like they need to speak up about their financial situation when it comes to social dynamics, especially as we hit the holidays? Like, it is Halloween, it is Friendsgiving, it is Thanksgiving, it is Christmas. And for me, people are getting engaged left and right. So how does someone say, especially to a close friend, or communicate, "Hey, I can't do this," or how do you even communicate what you can do if it may be less than what you're expected to contribute?

• 7:49Speaker 01

  This feels important, especially kind of given some of the conversations we've had on other episodes just around the awkwardness that can exist, especially for Gen Z around conversations with money. And I think that these are things that we just have to practice, right? So maybe you say something like, "This feels awkward to say, but I don't know that I'm going to be able to celebrate your engagement or your wedding as big as I may want to." And "Please don't take this as any indication of my love or support for you, but maybe I can't afford to be a bridesmaid or I can't afford to do the bachelorette trip," or whatever, right? "Are there other things that I can do to support you since maybe I don't have the finances?" Like, again, I think making it clear that this is not an indication of your want to support

• 8:32Speaker 01

  or you're feeling jealous or whatever, but that finances just aren't there. And I think especially this year, right? Like, given the economic circumstances that are very clear to everybody, people should be understanding when friends come to you and say, "Hey, I just don't have it, but I still love you."

• 8:49Speaker 05

  I absolutely love that. Like, how can I support if it's not boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom is really great because a lot of the times there are so many other ways you can support. Like, even if someone's having a potluck, hey, groceries are tight, I cannot cook something. Maybe you, like, already have a candle in your home that you can just bring for the, you know, the vibes. Like, there are so many other ways you can show up for people other than kind of the material or like the finances that go into socializing. Because and also sometimes your presence is just enough. It's just enough.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly, exactly.

• 9:25Speaker 05

  So moving on to talk about the Cornell seven, a little bit about group think fraternity culture and accountability. This has been all over the news, all over social media. A former Cornell student identified as Jane Doe alleges that she was drugged and sexually assaulted by seven members of the Chi Phi fraternity in October of 2024. The case has drawn renewed attention after she filed a civil lawsuit in September of 2026. One of the more chilling aspects of the case, it involves a 50-person group chat where there were alleged plans discussing, you know, her sexual assault, raising questions how

• 10:05Speaker 05

  young men can reinforce another's behaviors and how, you know, large group think can normalize behaviors that should raise serious concerns. Like, oh, wow, if this is the culture of the group, it's not that deep. Outside of the horrors of sexual assault, why are younger people, especially in college settings, in group settings, in friend groups, why are they, I don't want to say more likely to go along with what they know is wrong? But talk to me about that tension.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  I have been paying attention to this case, like, I think a lot of people, but given my background in college student mental health, this is definitely not a new topic to me, sadly, you know, and it is something that comes up quite often on college campuses, not always with this level of detail. But it does happen, you know, sadly, more than I think many of us recognize or would like to admit. I think when you're looking at an experience like a fraternity, right, and especially with the advent of technology and the ways that, you know, it was used, especially in this case, I think that the lines can get very blurry and it feels very easy to, like, put up a post and not, again, think about, like, the humanity of who you're actually referring to. And so, you know,

• 11:19Speaker 01

  in thinking about this case, it also reminds me of the conversation we had with Dr. Ladee on the podcast recently around brain development and, like, wanting to fit in and, like, not wanting to kind of go against the grain because you want to be accepted by the group so badly. And I think, you know, we think about, like, young people, college students, and would like to think that they are all mature and kind of have it all put together, but we know that that is not the case. And so I think especially in a case like this, it is a desire to belong, a sense of norming that, like, this is kind of what we do as a fraternity, right? Like, there are probably older brothers who have kind of introduced this kind of behavior and it's talked about really casually. And so I think it can be

• 12:01Speaker 01

  really hard to be the person who says, like, hey, I'm actually not okay with this. Not that that is at all an excuse, right? And I think it is important to develop those skills, but I think that that's a part of what happened here is that it feels like it is just kind of what we do and nobody really kind of bats an eye at it.

• 12:18Speaker 05

  I think that is something that when people start to, like, come into a certain consciousness, even beyond a situation like sexual assault as a young person, you're kind of like, am I the only one thinking this wrong? Is it really that deep? And it can put you on the fringes to call out things that make you uncomfortable. And to be sometimes a friend that's too woke, and I think that is even, like, reductive for this situation, but I can see it applying to so many situations. How do we teach young people that their loyalty to a friend, to a group, to a situation should never require them to ignore harm or what is wrong?

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that that's so important. And it clearly has to start before college, right? And I have been really encouraged to see so many people having conversations with their kids kind of surrounding this case. But once you get to college, like, it's too late to necessarily start introducing this conversation. This conversation needs to start at age six, seven, eight, right, and continue as age appropriate. And I think there are so many situations that happen in their everyday lives that you can not say this is how you are supposed to handle this, but to get an idea of what they think about something, right? So maybe there is a teasing situation going on at school and you invite them to tell you more about, well, what's happening and what do you think this person who's being teased maybe feels, right? And what might you be able to say in a situation

• 13:44Speaker 01

  like that so that that person doesn't feel alone? Like, you have to start having those conversations, I think, really early and continue to reinforce those messages. And your kids need to see you modeling that behavior, right? Now, they, of course, you know, won't be in every situation, and every situation is not age appropriate for your kids to see, but are there opportunities for you to kind of speak up for somebody in public and then your kids can watch you do that, right? Also, being mindful of how you are reinforcing messaging and conversations around things like consent and how do we respect others? How do we intervene if we feel like something is going awry? Can you have a code word that lets you know that you contact your parents if something is kind of not going as planned, right? Like, I think all of those conversations have to start very early.

• 14:30Speaker 05

  I definitely agree that seeing your parents speak up about something that's wrong, it gives you the courage to do that. I would remember things, like, my dad was an attorney, and so I remember we were, like, downtown DC and someone was kind of getting into it with the police, and my dad just went over there. And it was more like, I'm just gonna go over there because obviously I know the law, but we know, especially for Black people, how these situations can pan out. And I think being in spaces where you continually see people exercise community care and kind of step outside of themselves and say, like, hey, this is wrong, is really important and was so important for, like,

• 15:11Speaker 05

  my self-development. And so, you know, a lot of, not in my backyard, that's none of my business. It really is something that can trickle up to being in situations that are so deeply uncomfortable and not wanting to ruffle feathers. So I appreciate you talking about that. And also, like, checking in with younger people about how they feel about if they see an uncomfortable situation, even if you can't do anything about it. Like, oh, you know, so-and-so fell today and everyone else was laughing. Like, how did you feel about that? I feel like those are really important questions to ask younger people, too.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. And, you know, there's a lot of social psychology behind, like, this idea of group think, right? And the idea that you're all in a group witnessing a thing. And so surely somebody else would say something if this was wrong, right? But then when we don't see somebody say something, then we think, like you said, oh, maybe this is not a bad thing, right? And so teaching kids to be the ones that say, like, hey, even if it does cause you to be on the fringes, like, hey, does anybody else agree with this? Or like, what else can we do? Because I think a lot of times people just assume that somebody else is going to do the thing, right? They're gonna be the one to step up, when that doesn't always happen. And so how can you talk with your young people about being the one to say the thing?

• 16:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  More from our conversation after the break. A rare disease diagnosis can change your life, but it doesn't have to define your future. Tune in for season seven of Untold Stories: Life with a Severe Autoimmune Condition, a Ruby Studio production in partnership with Argenx. Hosted by public health and policy expert Dr. Martine Hackett, Untold Stories: Life with a Severe Autoimmune Condition pushes the conversation within the rare disease community forward. Featuring guests living with MG, CIDP, myositis, SMA, and other rare autoimmune conditions, each episode explores hope, progress, and connection. How does research create new opportunities? How do shared experiences help light the way forward? How do we best show up for each other? Tune

• 17:12Speaker 01

  in to find out. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 17:21Speaker 06

  Hey, it's Niall Rogers, host of Before the Moment, a Lincoln original series. I'm driving across the country, meeting some of today's most fascinating artists. We're exploring the stories before the moment that changed everything. This week, I'm joined by my friend, John Legend. How does music actually enter your mind?

• 17:43Speaker 07

  I'm not sure why or how the music comes to me, but I think people who love music and write music, our brains are just filled with music.

• 17:53Speaker 06

  Right.

• 17:53Speaker 07

  Like, we have listened to so much music. We've been a part of so much music. I think of the story that I want to tell, the mood that I want to create with the music, start playing chords, see where they lead me.

• 18:04Speaker 06

  Sometimes I'm just not even thinking about music, right? And I hear this little thing and I go, oh, that could be this.

• 18:15Speaker 07

  You know, you just have to be ready for when the inspiration hits.

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  And it comes.

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  Yeah.

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  Experience before the moment. The Lincoln Original Series on the iHeart Radio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 18:30Speaker 05

  Okay, so last topic. This one, I think, got a lot heated. Another heated spirited discussion. So during a recent appearance on Cam Newton's Funky Friday, actor Da'Vinci sparked conversation while discussing self-sufficiency and why he believes American culture can make people overly dependent on convenience. He said that he was able to fully take care of himself by the time he was eight years old, but that in America, people can remain incompetent for a really long time, pointing to adults who don't know how to do basic things for themselves. The conversation then shifted to why Black actors from overseas are increasingly landing roles in American productions. Da'Vinci suggested that some producers may prefer overseas actors because they are more focused on the work

• 19:15Speaker 05

  and less concerned about being celebrities or influencers, raising questions about whether American actors are perceived as less hungry or disciplined. I had a lot of thoughts on this, especially about difference in culture or circumstance becoming a judgment of someone's, like, character or capability. And Da'Vinci talks about being very self-sufficient from a young age. And my question for you is, how much of our ability to do for ourselves is actually personality? And how much of it is shaped by how we were raised? And is there necessarily, like, a right or a wrong?

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, again, back to the conversation with Dr. Lade, where he kind of identified the steps that we're kind of moving through throughout our lives, right? And so there is a developmental phase at which you should be more independent and not relying as much on your parents or other caregivers. And so that is something that should happen, right? Like, you should feel independent. You should be taking on age-appropriate chores and doing things more for yourself as you get older. But I think that there is also a risk of doing that too soon, right? Because then you get forced into this situation of like, oh, can I not ask for help? Or I should just know how to do these things before it's actually age-appropriate for a child to do that. And so I think it is a little bit like it's the question of nature versus nurture, kind of what you're talking about.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  But yes, independence is important, and you do want to foster that for your kids. But I think you don't want to go too far on the other end of helping them to do things or allowing them to do things for themselves before they're actually ready for a certain task, which I think is also a risk.

• 20:52Speaker 05

  Absolutely, absolutely, yes. And I do think, as I've gotten older, like, I know people who are fully grown, actual as adults, who are just like, I don't like cooking. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to order food. I'm going to meal prep. And I think a lot of this conversation makes me think about the, I don't want to say the pillars of adulthood, but like, what is expected of you in adulthood? And like, choosing to opt out of that? Because it doesn't work for you. Like, I don't talk about it often, but I don't drive. I'm deathly afraid of driving. I've been in a car accident. And is it a fear I want to get over? Absolutely, yes. But my safety and comfortability is way more important

• 21:33Speaker 05

  than like, doing something that everyone else views as a marker of adulthood. And so that was something that also came to the forefront for me in this conversation. And it made me think about when we see someone who doesn't have the same level of self-sufficiency that we do, why can we be so quick to label them as lazy, entitled, or incompetent?

• 21:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that there is often a rush to judgment that I wish we would pull back from, right? I think this has become heightened with online conversation, right? Like, I feel like previously, maybe we had a little bit more curiosity, a little more compassion towards one another. And now everything is so quick to become a hot take or rage bait kind of situation, when I think we would all do much better experiencing each other with more compassion and curiosity. Like, huh, Elise doesn't drive. I wonder why that might be, right? As opposed to like, oh, Elise is not an adult because she doesn't drive, right? Can you get to point A to B? Like, yes, you can. You figure it out, right? Like, I think a lot of adulting is figuring out like, how to solve problems. And because your solution may look different than mine, it doesn't have to be a judgment call.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  It can just be a difference in how we solve problems and, you know, figure things out.

• 22:46Speaker 05

  And I think there is one more point that a lot of people discussed when they saw clips from the interview or watched the whole interview, was what one would call kind of like a diaspora war, like, how we comment being Black, wherever you're from, Black in the world, how we view and comment on each other. And I wonder if, you know, we're Therapy for Black Girls. We are the podcast where everything is that deep. And I wonder if you have any words of kind of advice or encouragement? Like, how do you start to not be so invested in online conversations, but actually like, take it offline? Because I think it can feel very overwhelming, like, oh my God, everyone's talking about immigration.

• 23:30Speaker 05

  They're talking about Black liberation from this Da'Vinci thing. But you can kind of get wrapped up in the weeds of what's happening online. How do you get offline and learn more about the topic?

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And I think that, you know, that's why I'm really excited that we have started doing this, like, mini-soled series of the podcast.

• 23:51Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  Because I think that is what we're attempting to do, right? Like, to take some of these conversations and like, ground them in a deeper kind of context. But also, hopefully, this becomes fodder for your group chat, right? This becomes fodder for your Sunday brunch with the girls, right? Like, we're talking about this thing. I think the key really is to talk about it with people in your real life, right? So you asked, we're like, oh, that was a really interesting conversation, but it brought up a word that I didn't know. Like, do y'all know more about this? Like, what kinds of things could I read to maybe learn more about this? Or talking with your school librarian? Or talking with a mentor about these kinds of things? Like, I think there's so much happening online that it is easy to get overwhelmed. But the goal really is to take pieces of whatever you find online

• 24:35Speaker 01

  and then move it into your real life in a way that, you know, maybe makes more sense to you or you are learning more about a specific topic. But also knowing that you can't do that with everything, right? Like, you will be overwhelmed trying to learn more about everything. But what kinds of things feel most resonant to you, right? Like, what kinds of topics feel important? And who in your real life can you talk about these things with?

• 24:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think something that I used to do with my newsletter was like, think about, you know, what are the five things every week that like, you know, kind of made me feel alive inside? Like, I kind of felt rattled about it. Whether it was funny, whether it was just generally interesting, whether it made me upset. And like, can I take an hour out of my week and just like, do some Googles? And like, you know, follow my curiosity in that way? And I think you'll, you know, come to find, not necessarily that you're less like frustrated, or I know there is some anxiety that comes with like, seeing online topics and wanting to like engage and just seeing so much happen on your feet.

• 25:42Speaker 05

  I found it to be very meditative to take some time and just be like, I'm going to dig into that deeper over like, some breakfast and a cup of coffee. And do it once a week and write about it. And so I think there are so many ways to just like, okay, how can I choose a couple of things every week that I'm interested in? And block out time to go a little bit deeper? I think that has always kind of soothed my overactive brain when it comes to being online.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  I love that, Elise. And what a beautiful, like, exercise, like a cognitive exercise, but also an exercise in slowing down. Yeah, which I think a lot of us could benefit from, right? Like, I think you have to also be mindful that you don't have to be a part of every online conversation, right? Like, sometimes stuff is just over our heads or like, our opinion really isn't needed in a conversation. So it's okay to take it to our journal. It's okay to kind of take it to a smaller space. Or it's a completely disregarded. I think it's important to know you don't have to be a part of every conversation.

• 26:36Speaker 05

  I think the number one tip is knowing the things that you want to completely disregard. And also realizing that, yeah, there are so many podcasts. There are so many platforms. And not everyone is an expert. And I think sometimes you just have to be like, I'll close my eyes and be like, okay, if someone on the street was yelling this, would I care? No. And then just move on.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  That's a good barometer.

• 27:04Speaker 05

  Well, thank you so much for indulging me in my curiosities this week, Dr. Joy.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Thank you, Elise. Great topics, as always. And if there are topics that you have to suggest that you'd like to hear us weigh in on, you can always send those to us at therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox. And until next time, take good care of yourself.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  A rare disease diagnosis can change your life, but it doesn't have to define your future. In season seven of Untold Stories: Life with a Severe Autoimmune Condition, host Martine Hackett continues the conversation with people living with MG, CIDP, and the broader rare disease community, exploring what comes after diagnosis through stories of hope, progress, and connection. Produced by Ruby Studio in partnership with Arginix. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 28:00Speaker 06

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• 29:20Speaker 00

  Or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or if you've had multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Tell your doctor if you get a lump or swelling in your neck. Stop Zepbound and call your doctor if you have severe stomach pain or a serious allergic reaction. Severe side effects may include inflamed pancreas or gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. If you're nursing, pregnant, plan to be, or taking birth control pills. Taking Zepbound with a sulphonal urea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and worsen kidney problems. Talk to your doctor.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  Call 1-800-545-5979, or visit zepbound.lily.com.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Hello? Hey, it's me, your wallet. Oh, hey. I was just wondering if we could maybe take it easy this week? Absolutely. Really? Yep. I'm shopping at Food Lion. Wait, you mean low prices? And MVP savings. Oh, you do care. Obviously. Okay, I feel better. Good. Now, let's go get some snacks. At Food Lion, low prices and MVP savings make it easier to shop for what you need without spending more than you have to. When your wallet needs a little TLC, head to your local Food Lion or shop at foodlion.com.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.