220: What Does It Mean To "Do The Work?"

What does it actually mean to do the work? In this solo episode, Sabrina breaks down how therapy talk gets weaponized to dodge accountability, and what real healing looks like when you stop intellectualizing and start implementing. She digs into sitting in discomfort, regulating your nervous system, the difference between ruminating and processing, why journaling rewires your brain, and how inner child work changes the way you show up in dating and relationships. She also answers a listener question about telling a healthy, secure partner you're not ready, unpacks anxious and avoidant attachment, and shares why detaching from the outcome is the number one lesson of doing the work. If you're tired of surface level advice and ready for the real, unsexy practice of becoming secure in yourself and your relationships, this one is for you, babes. Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at http://sabrinazohar.com/book Take the new and improved dating quiz! sabrinazohar.com/quiz If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠HERE!⁠ Get Ad free ⁠HERE!⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠HERE!⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠HERE!⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠Sabrina⁠ and ⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠ on Instagram and ⁠Sabrina ⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠YOUTUBE!⁠ Chapters: 0:00 Therapy Talk Is Killing Accountability 3:10 What Doing The Work Actually Means 5:59 Stop Using AI To Replace Therapy 8:16 Ruminating vs Processing 11:20 Inner Child Work In Practice 13:43 Healing Doesnt Erase The Pain 16:34 Detaching From The Outcome 19:21 There Is No Being Fully Healed 22:30 Single vs Relationship Healing 25:48 Tool Of The Week + Product Of The Week Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 0:59Sabrina Zohar?

  You need to do the work. You need to learn to sit in the discomfort. You have to do the work, you have to do the work. It is a buzzword that I am frankly speaking so tired of hearing. It was the name of my old podcast because I believed in it so much. Do the work, do the work, do the work. But now, like most things on the internet, it's been hijacked. It's been, people are using therapy talk to avoid any kind of real accountability. I'm doing the work, you're triggering me, that's a boundary, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's always some fucking excuse to avoid actually sitting in it, doing what they need to do, which is take accountability, put some fucking space in between something, the stimulus and the response, and actually take ownership of their behavior. If you are noticing more and more people are using therapy talk to avoid accountability, you're not alone. And so we're going to talk about what does it actually mean to do the work?

• 1:44Sabrina Zohar?

  What does it legitimately mean to put this into practice? Because my entire career, my whole life, everything I have dedicated to being to where I am today, isn't just about the talk. It's not about, here is this clickbait, and here is this. And if a guy doesn't text you every day, drop him. And if they like you, you'll know, if not, you'll be confused. Those are all black and white statements. They're not actually helping you to have a deeper relationship with anybody besides this person that you have put on a pedestal that doesn't fucking exist. So we're going to dispel all of that. And it's also about showing in practice, what does it mean to become a better version of yourself? If you're taking content from the internet that says, do this to get a specific response, that's called manipulation. You're trying to elicit somebody else's response by trying to control their behavior by the way that you show up.

• 2:29Sabrina Zohar?

  That's not doing the work. I'm excited to share how I've grown. This was the third episode I ever did on my original podcast when it was called Do the Work, now called The Sabrina Zohar Show. Here we are, welcome friends. But it's something that I've grown and evolved. I think I used to see doing the work as, well, I'm holier than now. Like I remember when I first met my partner, I genuinely believed, no, no, I've done all of this work, you're the one that needs help. I can be with somebody who's quote unquote, broken, right? I could be with the person that hasn't been as evolved because I can help get them there. Oh boy, oh boy, you know what I learned the hard way? That's not actually accurate. I had so much work I had to do on myself, learning to sit in the discomfort, learning what it feels like to not necessarily have what it is that you want, to feel out of control, and then what do you do with that?

• 3:13Sabrina Zohar?

  For the first time ever, someone asked me the other day, how do you feel? And I said, good. And they went, oh, okay, what's going on? What changed? I said, nothing, literally, nothing changed. I didn't get any new brand deals, my podcast didn't go viral, I didn't, nothing like monumental happened. It wasn't like, oh, X turned into Y, which turned into Z. But what I realized was, I'm so beholden on giving the external reasons for me to be happy, that I've stopped looking at my own life to find happiness within it. Do I cry? Absolutely. I still cry two to three times a week. That's called being a fucking human. You don't need to be a robot to turn off your emotions. You're allowed to feel things. So let's kick it the fuck off. What does it actually mean to do the work? Hello, hello, hello.

• 3:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. I am stoked. We're going to go off on a new series. I have no notes, literally, no notes. I've got questions you guys asked on The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram. Don't forget to follow along. I post question boxes every week when I do solos. And I'm getting back into it with my babes of just talking to you guys and having a conversation. I'll give you studies and data when we fucking feel like it's necessary. But for today, let's talk about what it means to do the work. Don't forget to preorder my book, Why Am I Like This? Because this puppy has a good portion of things in it to actually implement this work, to understand yourself differently. And don't forget you get a free course in work because of, thank you for preordering the book. This is how we get the New York Times bestselling list, so please preorder the hardcover if possible. Yes, I will be saying the audiobook.

• 4:40Sabrina Zohar?

  And yes, you get a free course no matter what, but please order the hardcover. But I personally, I've been going through my own journey of, who do I want to become? What do I want to be? And to me, that is doing the work. I think a lot of us are so used to intellectualizing. I think, I think, I think. I'm so self-aware, I know all of these things. I remember my girlfriend, year one or two, like a year after I started, like going to therapy, doing the work, and really working on myself and understanding myself. And she said, you're so self-aware, but what are you going to do with it? And at the time, I was like, what do you mean? Like, isn't that the point of this? I'm self-aware, I know why I do all of these things. But what she was referring to was, I wasn't necessarily implementing it. I wasn't integrating it.

• 5:23Sabrina Zohar?

  I wasn't really feeling any different. I was going through the motions, right? Of like, oh, this person's a red flag, run from it. But was I genuinely feeling, I deserve better than this? And that's a turnoff? No, I was going, but I intellectually know I shouldn't do this, but yet I still kept doing it, right? That's trauma, in a nutshell. And I think for me, what does it actually mean to do the work? It means that you put space between your stimulus and response, that you don't have to give that knee-jerk reaction of, oh, fuck you, and this is what I believe. You can stop and say, what's coming up for me? Right? That's neuroplasticity working right there in real time. I think, so, you know, we have to remember, your brain is not trying to help you grow, it's trying to keep you safe.

• 6:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Your brain will always default to the quickest path to, what can I do to stay safe in this environment? So I don't use a lot of energy. I think about it as, if you had 100% battery every single day, right? Like my sister always gave me that example. You charge your phone, you got 100% battery. But if you take that battery and you're just on, you're on different apps all day, all day, all day, draining that, then it's going to be really hard for you to open new tabs, for you to start to understand different things, because there are things behind the scenes that are draining your energy. And for me personally, what it started, for me, what it looked like to do the work was starting therapy, right? Somebody had actually asked, can I do this? Can you do the work without going to therapy? You can do as much as you feasibly can, but eventually,

• 6:48Sabrina Zohar?

  you will get to a point where it's really important to have somebody give you and challenge your thoughts, to have somebody give you a different perspective. Right? I saw something on Insta, a girl was saying, you know, a therapist of mine told me that I need to have empathy for people I don't like. Fuck her, I fired her. What do you mean have empathy? It's like, no, no, no, no, that's part of this. Having a good therapist, even a good friend, is someone that's going to challenge you. It's not going to coddle you. That's why we got to stop using AI to replace therapy. AI is there to coddle you. Notice how if you challenge it goes, you're right, I messed up. Its job is to make you feel good in the moment, not to help you get to the point of where you're trying to be. So you can use ChatGPT all fucking day.

• 7:31Sabrina Zohar?

  You can ask it, what would Sabrina say to this? But it doesn't have my personal experience. It doesn't know that I may have gone through the exact same experience. It's not adding the nuance, it's giving you black and white. And it's just keeping you on this loop. That is just you replacing your dopamine reward system with something else. Instead of looking at texting or videos on Instagram, you're now relying on ChatGPT to coddle you, to tell you what it is. Even if you say, challenge me and don't just tell me what I want to hear, it's still not going to, because it's using what everybody else is putting into a system. But that's not actually based on psychology and neuroscience and personal experience, and coming to you to help you to become the best version of yourself. So that is my soapbox. Please stop using AI to replace your therapist, to replace your coach,

• 8:15Sabrina Zohar?

  to replace having connection with people in real life. But what did my journey look like? When I started to do the work, yes, I started therapy. That was the first thing I did, because I didn't know which way was up, down, right, or left. I didn't know my ass or my elbow. But really what it was, I think there's that misconception that being in therapy is going to give you all of these aha moments. And then that's it. You're just going to feel holier than now, and you're going to leave, and you're never going to do anything again. You can have the awareness, but then how are you going to implement that into your life? For me, I would have these wild therapy sessions. I'd be crying hysterically, and then I'd be after, sitting there saying, I still feel like shit, I still don't feel great. I still feel like I was abandoned, or rejected, or, okay, so I understand slightly where it came from. And for me, what integrating that into my life looked like, I journaled more than I think I've ever written in my entire life.

• 9:00Sabrina Zohar?

  I would just cry over my journal. The reason people tell you to journal, isn't because it's a fun buzzword of like, you should journal and meditate. Why journaling matters is because journaling puts, it allows you to activate a different part of your brain, and it takes you away from your default mode network. You're not just on autopilot anymore, you're activating your prefrontal cortex, and now you're actually starting to challenge things. The more you keep things in your brain, that's spiraling and ruminating. The difference between ruminating and processing? Ruminating is going over the same thing over and over again, hoping that if you ask more questions, you'll eventually get to an answer. Processing is accepting this for what it is, seeing it for what it is, showing discernment, and then being able to say, what are my choices to move forward from it? One keeps you stuck where you are, trying to understand the past,

• 9:45Sabrina Zohar?

  and one helps you to move forward so that you can have a different future. You get to choose which one you want to fucking engage in. And for a long time, I thought, if I just, if I sit and think about this over and over again, why didn't they like me? Why don't they choose me? Why, why, why? I even had to realize recently, I've been doing that with my own career. I had learned helplessness. Growing up, if I just was sad, or crying, or on the floor, I was hoping someone was going to attune to my needs and see me. And it makes me emotional thinking about that, that my girl, my version of me felt she had to scream and cry, hoping someone would notice her, hoping someone would see her. And then we can't be so shocked that I would date people

• 10:28Sabrina Zohar?

  that never saw me, that never gave me the time of day, that never cared about me in any different way besides what I did for them. And then it didn't surprise me that I started a career in social media where I'm only as good as my last reel. I'm only as good as my last episode, because hey, if you don't like it, that's it, we're done, I'm out. And then you feel like you got abandoned all over again. And so I had to even learn, okay, what does doing the work look like for that? That means that being sad is okay, that I'm allowed to be sad, that I can put my hand on my heart and say, I'm breathing into this space. I don't need to do anything about it. But I also learned, wow, I can't just sit still.

• 11:09Sabrina Zohar?

  I can, for me, when I feel out of control, I feel like I need to figure out what's going wrong. Right? Why didn't this video do well? Look at all the analytics, fucking go crazy. Look at other people's hook. Why didn't they do, what did they do? What did you not do? That's the same in dating, right? Why didn't they text me? Then you start looking at the ex and then you start saying, but she had this and they had this and he had this and, but then the last text they sent this. Because when you're feeling out of control, your brain's like, what can you do to be in control? So part of the work for me was, I don't know what's gonna happen and I have to be okay with that. It's grieving the ending of things. It's sitting in something, right? Somebody had asked, what does it mean to sit in the discomfort? It means not grabbing your phone. It means maybe setting your clock for five minutes and having no stimulus, sitting there,

• 11:53Sabrina Zohar?

  noticing how uncomfortable you get with silence. Five minutes. You can't do, fine, set it for a minute. Set your clock for 60 seconds and start to notice every time you want to grab your phone, what comes up for you? That right there is expanding your window of tolerance. Because what you're doing is you're teaching your nervous system, we always used to default to this, but now we're gonna do this. Now we're gonna sit here and we're gonna be uncomfortable for 10 minutes and you're gonna get through it. Because then when it comes again, you're like, well, I've been here before. I've been uncomfortable. I know what this looks like. I'm gonna share something really vulnerable with you guys. That's really, this is doing the work in practice. I've been getting acupuncture recently and it's been a really beautiful 25 minutes for me to just be alone and to cry. And I started feeling that heaviness in my chest, that same sensation, right?

• 12:37Sabrina Zohar?

  This is literally me showing you what it looks like to do the work in practice. So fucking hang tight. And the first thing I noticed was, I feel this in my chest. I feel really, really uncomfortable. I don't like this feeling. And so instead of trying to get away from it, I leaned into it. I said, man, I feel like a kid again. But then I said, no, this is how I felt when I lost everything from Shark Tank. This is how I felt when Clem got sick. And I went back and I saw that 32-year-old girl that started this whole career, that bet on herself, that believed in herself. And I hugged her and I told her, um, I'm really proud of you, but I have to be honest with you. It doesn't work.

• 13:22Sabrina Zohar?

  And she looked like this and she started crying. And I said, baby, I'm here and I'm not disappointed in you and I'm so sorry if I was. You did your best and I'm so sorry. I didn't see that. But realistically, this doesn't work. You're not the next call her daddy. You don't make millions of dollars on your podcast. On the contrary, you lose the name and so many things that you've built. And I allowed it. And then she asked, but what are we gonna do? And I said, oh, sweetie, this is not me giving up on you. This is me accepting where we are. Because now I get to make choices. What is this gonna look like? Sure, I could roll over and be done. I'm done with dating. I'm not gonna do it. I'm so tired of getting hurt. Right? I know the narrative. I've said it before.

• 14:06Sabrina Zohar?

  And I said, or I could see what's in my control. And you know what's on my control? I can scale down. I don't need to have all of these things. I could just have a camera to talk to my friends. I can just make reels that feel more in aligned with me. And if they don't go viral, they don't go viral, Sab. That's not your worth. That doesn't create who you are. That right there is the practice of doing the work.

• 14:29Speaker 03

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• 14:59Speaker 04

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• 15:03Speaker 05

  Hey, Bose here. When your next track starts, listen for the decisions that the artist makes. The vocal pushed right up front. The bass that waits half a beat. That sample from a 70s underground gem. Every choice deliberate. With Bose, you'll hear it all. Your music deserves Bose.

• 15:28Sabrina Zohar?

  Did that change anything? Did I come out being like, that's it? Holier than thou? Look, see? I met my soulmate and this and this and I made my millions of dollars. No, because I'm not gonna bullshit you. I am not gonna fucking sit here and lie to you and tell you if you just manifest your dream partner, that's it, they're gonna show up at your door and it's gonna be amazing. That's lying to you. That's taking your vulnerabilities and using them against you as prey so that you'll pay for something that I have that you think you need. You know what I'm gonna tell you? What this does? Doing the work doesn't make it go away. Doing the work doesn't magically make the anxiety go away. You know what doing the work does? Doing the work allows you to fucking live with the reality that you're in so that you stop conflating and comparing yourself to all these other people and you can finally find some peace and satisfaction in the way and the person that you actually are. Doing the work brings you closer to you.

• 16:13Sabrina Zohar?

  Doing the work brings you home to yourself. Doing the work allows you to look at the parts of yourself that you don't think are lovable, give them a big fucking hug and start to tell them, I am sorry I ever abandoned you, but mama or daddy is home right now and I'm never gonna let anyone treat you like this again. That's doing the work. Going back, saving yourself, coming back on the other side and then changing your fucking life because you have choices to do so. That's what doing the work means. It's not the omission. Doing the work doesn't mean you don't feel sad again. It means you have the capacity and space to allow yourself to feel sad. Doing the work doesn't mean you never meet an asshole again or get into a relationship that's not right for you. It means that you love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people.

• 16:57Sabrina Zohar?

  You make different choices and you get yourself the fuck out of it. Doing the work allows you to become the person you've always been meant to be, but someone along the way taught you otherwise. That's the reality. That's the unsexy, real shit that most people aren't saying. That this episode, truth be told, probably won't go viral. These clips probably won't go viral. Because right now, you guys have to remember, the internet and all of the oligarch, all of these things happening are meant to create division. They're not trying to help you. Do, give me a favor, go look at all the reality shows on Love right now. What do you see most people say? Where's the adult in the room? Why is it so unhealthy and toxic? Where is real? Because if they showed you what healthy and secure looks like, you know what you'd say? That's boring.

• 17:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Because they're not really here to help you. They're here to capitalize on your insecurities and your vulnerabilities. And I refuse to do that. I refuse. I create the courses I have because I know they fucking work. I wrote this book because I know it fucking works. I know I'm gonna make the New York Times bestselling list because I know what I've done. I know who I am. And I'm not gonna stop until that happens. But you know what I also know? If I don't make it, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. That just means that there are things outside of my control and I have to be okay with, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. And that's the energy I want you to bring into your dating experiences, your relationships, the people that you have in your life, whether that be romantic or personal or professional. You're doing your fucking best because that's what you have control over, but you cannot

• 18:26Sabrina Zohar?

  control the outcome. The number one lesson I learned when I started doing the work on myself was releasing control to the outcome. Detaching doesn't mean you don't care. It means that you care so much that you're okay, whatever happens is meant to be what it's meant to be. That you show up because you're a good person, not because you're a good person that gets an outcome from it. That you help someone because you genuinely want to help them, not because of what they're gonna do for you. That you show up like this and you don't ghost because that's who you are, not because the other fucking person has to reciprocate that. You do the work for you, not to get a specific result. And if you're expecting something back, then you're not fucking doing it authentically. Because realistically, I get that all the time. One of the questions was, I don't understand, I've done all this work, why have I not met my person? Well, then you're not doing it authentically. Because you're doing it for an outcome.

• 19:09Sabrina Zohar?

  You're doing it because, well, if I, one plus one has to equal two. Look, I went to college, I got the degree, where's my job? Where's the money? Give it to me. Baby, here, let me be the person to tell you this. Life ain't fucking fair. Life is not gonna just hand you everything that you want because, well, I did the work and I showed up, so where is all my gifts and my jewels? You gotta eat shit. You gotta learn that doing the work is for fucking you so that you can be okay with the fucking head that you lay on your pillow so that you know that you don't owe anybody money and no one's gonna bang in your door because you have debt. You do this because you know that you don't leave a wake of destruction for people by ghosting them left, right and center and leaving them with insecurities for fucking years to come because you're so insecure and you can't have a conversation with them. You do this for you. Stop doing this for other fucking people. So I wanna get to a question. You guys wrote in.

• 19:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Let's go.

• 19:56Speaker 06

  Hi Sabrina, I love your show. Thank you so much for putting content out that people can listen to and work on themselves when they don't have other people around them to support them like me. My question this week is, is it okay to tell the healthy, stable, good-for-me man that I'm not ready for a relationship with him because I don't feel secure and happy and stable within myself? I've been told that if I wanted to, I would, and that if I really loved him, that I would be okay just being with him and figuring it out. But I don't know if I can do that because I don't feel like I'm gonna be a good partner. So is that okay?

• 20:41Speaker 06

  Or should I just let the man go until I figure my shit out?

• 20:47Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, Angel. So I have a couple of questions for you. This man is so safe, is healthy and secure, but he told you if you wanted to, you would? Here's the harsh reality, though. Then maybe that person's not as secure and safe as you think they are, because that sounds like judgment, right? Well, if you wanted to, you would. So then what he's not understanding is that you have your own traumas and triggers and shit that's going under this hood. Maybe that's why you feel like you need to be alone because it's conditional. I'm gonna be honest with you. There is no such thing as being fully healed. You are always going to be a work in progress. And so if you think that you need to wait to be fully healed to get into a relationship, you're waiting for a day that may never fucking come. You're not gonna wake up one day and be like, that's it, I'm healed. All of my issues are gone. What it means is that you're gonna learn that you hurt in relationships, you heal in relationships, you get triggered when you're in relationships,

• 21:30Sabrina Zohar?

  but that's also an opportunity to understand your triggers. But you know what you need above all? You need a safe partner that you can explore that with and vice fucking versa. And so what I'm hearing from this is that you think that you need to get to the specific place. I understand that, right? My mama has always said, be careful what you wish for, because when you get it, are you gonna be ready for what it is that you say that you're ready for? What are you gonna do with it? You say you want the healthy and secure person, and then you get the healthy and secure person, and it triggers and try every single fucking core belief and insecurity that you have. Then you feel like the problem, and you feel like the one that needs to get all this work, and they're the ones that are healthy. Really what this is, it's an invitation for you to explore yourself in a safe dynamic. Because, I'll be honest with you, Ryan's in therapy, I'm in therapy. I don't have my shit together. I have so much further along on this journey, but like, I'm not sitting

• 22:15Sabrina Zohar?

  here on my fucking high castle, I kiss the ring, I know everything. He doesn't either. But part of this is that we have a safe relationship where we can explore these aspects, where when triggers come up, we have conversations. I kind of alluded to this to you guys. We kind of broke up. It's not an actual breakup. But what we realized was the way that we were doing things wasn't working anymore. The people that we were when we met three and a half years ago isn't who we are right now. We've outgrown those versions of ourselves. We've outgrown the careers that we were in. We've outgrown the parts that we were playing. And we realized in that moment, we've outgrown the arrangement that we had with each other. And so now we get to make a new one. That is what it looks like to grow and do the work in a relationship with a couple, is that you both are coming together to say,

• 22:59Sabrina Zohar?

  I got my own shit and so do you. Are we gonna do this together? And by together, I mean, can I share with you what came up in therapy? Can I, if I shut down, can I be honest with you about the triggers and share with you that I'm working on it and ask for feedback? Hey, does this make you feel good? Do you like that? I'm learning to validate your needs. Is this sound like it? That's what this looks like in progress. And so if you have a partner that's telling you, well, if you wanted to, you would, my response back would be, great. So then this doesn't really feel like a safe pace for me to tell you that it has nothing to do with want. Because I would hope that this person would understand that it's not about want. It's about you saying, I don't have capacity right now. I'm scared. I've got vulnerability. I've got all of these issues. What are you gonna do with it, is my question? Because you can absolutely walk away from this person. I don't think that's

• 23:42Sabrina Zohar?

  necessarily gonna change much. I think you're still then gonna go back to being single and either probably being like, oh, I just need to be alone. I need to be healed. But you would also need to be triggered by somebody. So it's a little bit tough at that part. But then on that same token, right? That's the thing. There is a baseline of healing that can be done when you're single. It doesn't always mean that you have to be in a relationship to do the work. When you're single, you learn how to take disappointment, how to handle rejection, how to get very clear in your non-negotiables and boundaries list, what it is that you need in a relationship versus whatnot. Versus when you get into a relationship, that's the second tier of healing. You start to get triggered by this partner. You start to realize, oh, my God, I wanted healthy and secure, and here I have it, and I don't know what the fuck to do with it. Do I actually feel worthy and deserving of it? That is what happens when you're with a partner in a relationship, because then you are, you

• 24:25Sabrina Zohar?

  have your triggers, and you're a mirror to each other. You now get to decide. You can stay single forever. You can keep doing that if you want, or you can use this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Because again, I wanna see, is this person actually a safe person for you? You said they're so healthy and secure and all these things, but yet it doesn't really sound like you can be messy around them and not be yourself. And so maybe it's telling them, yeah, I'm gonna go to therapy, and I hope that you could be along on this journey. I'm not asking you to. If you don't want to, that's cool, man. I'm gonna keep working on it for me. But I'm hoping that you'll be by my side so that we could do this together, and I can learn and welcome and receive love from somebody that's healthy and secure and vice versa. But I need you to be really honest about that. I don't know. I got really rubbed the wrong way when he said, well, if you wanted to, you would. Because then I would say, that's actually not that safe of a person

• 25:09Sabrina Zohar?

  to me. Because that sounds pretty judgmental and pretty conditional, and not really understanding how humans work. I would have been more inclined to say, I wish that person got curious about you. I wish that person said, what are you scared of? Is there anything you need from me? Because again, this is the reality. What you're describing is that anxious people also have avoidance, right? Well, I just, I have my own issues, so I'll just leave. And it's like, or you could sit in the mess with this person, and you can allow to have a corrective experience with your nervous system. But this person has to be the right person. And that's the caveat. I need you to trust yourself enough to be able to discern that.

• 25:44Speaker 03

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• 26:14Speaker 07

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• 26:43Sabrina Zohar?

  All right, let's answer some quick questions. It pays off. Can you say more about how and when healing is so tiring? You get to a point where you're just fucking exhausted. You get to a point where you're like, I don't wanna be this self-aware. I don't wanna have to keep understanding. My God, if I have to go back to one more little and cry. But it really is, what are your choices? You can stop, and you can just go right back into your old patterns if that feels like it's aligned more for you. Or you could take a break where need be. And you can say, you know what, for today, I don't have to understand this trauma and this trigger. For today, I could just be sad. For today, I could just allow myself to process this and not have to figure it out. That closes the loop, right? That's part of doing this work, is going, I don't have an answer right now. Even me. I sat there today and I looked at Ryan and I said, I don't have an answer. I don't know

• 27:27Sabrina Zohar?

  why everything is the way it is. I don't know what's going on. I'm scared. But you know what? My eight-year-old doesn't have to figure it out. I do, as the adult, I'm going to. And I'm there for her, and I hold her, and I love her, and I hug her, and I kiss her, and I give her all of the love. But she no longer, because think of it this way. When you get dumped, or you're dating somebody, or all these things, and you get triggered, and you say, I feel like a kid. Do you think that kid has any of the tools to figure out how to make this relationship work? No, but yet, that's what we're doing. We're telling those parts of ourselves, you gotta figure this out. And meanwhile, they're going, I don't know, I'm just trying to get someone to love me. I just wanna be safe. I just want someone to pick me, because they don't know any better. They don't know any better. Now you do. When you know better, you do better. So start showing up in a different way. That's implementing the material. Okay, tool of the week. I want you to get a rubber

• 28:12Sabrina Zohar?

  band, a hair tie, doesn't matter, I don't care, whatever you want. And every single time, you go into the stinking thinking, as my mama says, you go into the, I'm not good enough, and nobody's gonna want me, snap the rubber band. Start to notice. You might even have a fucking bruise on your hand for how much you have to snap it. What that's doing is you're activating your prefrontal cortex. Your brain can't be at two places at once. It can't be ruminating and spiraling on how sad you are that this person didn't text you, and then all of a sudden have a pain on your hand, that you're like, oh, there it is. And I want you to do that so that you can start to even notice how often you have to bring yourself back to the present moment. Then you can start to get curious. Wow, I felt like a child in that moment. That's who needs me. She needs me. He needs me. They need me. That's your tool right there. And one thing, it's been helping me

• 28:54Sabrina Zohar?

  so much. I'm not affiliated with them at all. I just downloaded this app. It's called Tapping Solution, and it's tapping. Tapping is using acupressure points and like meridians on your body. So like, you'll, you start with your hand, and then you go here, and you tap here, you tap in different parts of your body. And what they do is you can say really hard things, right? Like, I'm not good enough. And then you start to challenge that, and you're like, is it that I'm not good enough? Because what it does is it calms your nervous system while you're having an emotional experience, or things that are heightened, or feelings like, that are overwhelming, and so that you're teaching your nervous system, I could do this. I got this. These are big motions and feelings, and I'm scared, but I'm able to stay present and calm. That is a huge thing for me. I'm trying to find a specialist that we can have on to talk more about tapping and some different modalities

• 29:38Sabrina Zohar?

  and things that you guys can use. And so I really, really, like, every single episode, I'm gonna bring you something that I use, whether it be a product, or an app, or just going for a walk. It doesn't really matter. But I wanna start to give you guys more actual tangible tools that you could use. Again, if you need more, there's the Healthy Dating Foundation course that teaches you a full, solid foundation of like, boundaries and non-negotiables, and how to show up for yourself, and, you know, communication and all of those things. There's the Going Slow course, right? There's courses, if you want something more regimented. But if you just wanna start to implement things every single week into your week, I'm gonna start to give you that. And we have to hope that maybe some of those will be brands that wanna work with us, right? We love that. We love sponsors, because that means they believe in this show, and they believe in me and you guys, because they know that I would never, I would never, ever have something that I don't believe in. I

• 30:22Sabrina Zohar?

  don't give you guys anything. I've said no to more brands than I can count, because I don't believe in selling out, and losing you guys and your trust, and how much you trust me, because I trust you. I'm not gonna lead you down the wrong path, baby. I got you. Always. I've got your back. And sometimes I know it can feel really heavy. But I want you to remember, we're in this together, and I'm never leaving you. Even if one day the podcast comes to an end, I don't know. I'm not saying it will. But it depends, right? It depends on what my future holds. No matter what, I believe in you. I just need you to believe in you. That's part of doing this work. Who do you believe in, or who do you think is gonna save you? And can you go back and do that for yourself? And sometimes too, when we have that narrative, who are you talking to?

• 31:06Sabrina Zohar?

  I know you might think it's that person that's in front of you right now, but more often than not, it's somebody from your past that you just maybe haven't been able to say what you want. Say it. Scream at them. Yell at them. Cry into a pillow. Punch it. I don't care. Get it out. You don't need to hold on to this anymore. You can release it in a way that feels safe for you and your nervous system. I love you guys. Thank you for being here. Thanks for letting me babble. I hope you guys like the newer structure that we're gonna do of less structure and more authenticity that I am struggling myself in ways that I thought maybe I had moved past. That's part of this work. Nothing is a straight line. It's linear. You're gonna have days you feel fucking amazing on top and then you're gonna come crashing down and go up and down. That's part of being a human. I'm not looking for you to be fully fucking regulated all the time.

• 31:50Sabrina Zohar?

  What I'm looking for is you to have flexibility in your nervous system and for you to be able to handle shit that's gonna come your way. Because if you were gonna be regulated all the time and somebody with a knife walked into your house, I highly doubt you'd be calm. Your nervous system would be doing exactly what it's meant to do. So stop gaslighting yourself as if this isn't normal. Now we just need to see, does the pinch match the ouch? You got this. Please don't forget, rate and review the show. Share it with your friend. Please leave a comment. Let me know what you liked, what you... Well, you don't have to let me know what you didn't like. You could just, you know, sometimes keep that thing to yourself. But I love you guys. Thank you for being here. If you guys need anything, everything's at sabrina zohar.com. Please don't forget to preorder the book. We're gonna go endlessly until the day it launches and then some. I am never gonna stop talking about this because I'm so fucking proud. You guys are the best. If you wanna work one-on-one, join a course, ask a question, everything's at sabrina zohar.com.

• 32:34Sabrina Zohar?

  And I'm just grateful to have you here. So thank you guys for being part of the family. Until next week, my babies.

• 32:47Speaker 05

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• 33:03Speaker 01

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