The Art Special : Sexy Art, Questionable Portraits and Romesh's Secret Talent

Are Romesh and Shanthi gifted artists? In this Thursday episode of The Romesh Ranganathan Show, Romesh and Shanthi get in touch with their artistic side - welcome to The Art Special! From discussing buying art (aka poster prints), to the seductive wallpaper that Romesh couldn't ignore, Romesh and Shanthi discuss their favourite artists and try their hand at drawing each other, with surprising results. Elsewhere, Romesh considers whether he needs to take legal action on a birthday card situation and reflects on the talent that led him to be a four-time champion (a podcast exclusive). A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. Chapters 00:00 Intro 02:48 Does Shanthi like art? 04:08 A game of art 9:11 Art in the home 12:12 Sexy wallpaper 12:57 Listener questions 14:14 A drawing request 18:13 The reveal 20:01 A sketch and a birthday card 22:04 Romesh’s public reading success 29:04 Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  What's up fuckface? It's the Romesh Ranganathan show. It's Thursday and you know what that means? I'm here with my mother, Madame Shanti Ranganathan.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  And the team. Uh, I give them a hard time, but I do love them and they're very attractive people.

• 0:17Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks, Romesh. That's really, that's actually really kind.

• 0:20Speaker 03

  I guess that because I thought we put French sort of music under this whole intro.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Shall I do it with a French accent?

• 0:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe like amorous sort of vibe.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to the Romesh Ranganathan show. It's Thursday and you know what that means? I'm here with my mother, Madame Shanti Ranganathan and the team. I give them a hard time, but I do love them and they're actually very attractive people. Every Thursday, we discuss Monday's episode and we answer your questions and dilemmas. Love, work, pet dramas, we're here for it.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  What, sorry?

• 1:00Speaker 00

  We're here for it. Pet dramas.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  Pet dr- what do you mean?

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Pyjamas?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Pet drama. Pet drama.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  Pet drum peppers?

• 1:10Speaker 00

  Pet dramas.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Pet dramas.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  Oh, pet dramas.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  We're here for it. You see what happens when the animals get above themselves? They start to think they are people. Momon, this episode is an art special. So the team would like you to pretend you're an artist and the camera is a canvas. So without touching it, can you use this paintbrush? You use the paintbrush as a prop and then you do the show today like an artist. Go for it.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  Okay. Hello.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  A little bit of French would be great.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  I can't do French accent, but I do my best.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  I'm welcome to Romesh Ranganathan show. I'm Shanti. Enjoy the show. Good luck. See you soon.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  Really good.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  With me, Shanti.

• 2:16Speaker 00

  On Monday, we had the very funny and talented American actor Michael Urie on. He's Emmy nominated for Shrinking, an Apple TV show. He's in with Harrison Ford. He's in the show with Harrison Ford.

• 2:28Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Harrison Ford.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  I know him.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Han Solo, you know? Uh, so mum, you're basically you, me, Michael Urie, Harrison Ford. That's our connection. You're very close to Harrison Ford.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Am I?

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  Oh, lovely.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Michael Urie is great.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  Uh huh. Okay. Great.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  Good. Uh, for our art special now, we are going to do an art game. Now, we'd love to show you some famous paintings, but legally we're not allowed.

• 2:54Speaker 02

  Well, within, it depends what sort of, um, I think the laws are a hundred years. Within a hundred years, you're not allowed to show, but we could show classical works if we wanted, like the Mona Lisa or.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Fuck me. Okay. Uh, so instead, the team are going to describe the paintings to us and me and mum have to guess the artwork and the art. Are you joking? I don't know anything about art. Uh, so it's like Pictionary. If Pictionary had no pictures and the people describing them were hideous. Uh, mum, how much do you like art?

• 3:27Speaker 01

  I do like art. I'm not good at it, but.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Who's your favourite artist?

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Wonk- Wonk- what's his name?

• 3:33Speaker 00

  Willy Wonka?

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Willy Wonka's good.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 3:38Speaker 01

  What's? Artist, the artist became after his death.

• 3:45Speaker 00

  The artist became after he died.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Van Gogh.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  That's what I'm trying to say.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  Okay. Yeah. What's your favourite picture of us?

• 3:53Speaker 01

  What's the point becoming famous after you died?

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Well, it's not about being famous, is it? It's about, you know, contributing some art to the world.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Famous.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  Pardon?

• 4:01Speaker 01

  The paintings.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's still, you've made a contribution to the world's culture. You know, that's what I hope will happen after I die with weakest link. Let's start.

• 4:09Speaker 03

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• 5:09Speaker 00

  The game. What's the first one?

• 5:11Speaker 02

  Man on a bridge with his mouth wide open.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Okay. I know this one.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  You do?

• 5:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  First to buzz in. But you do it in a French, eh? Thank you. Um, Romesh.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  It's the scream, right?

• 5:29Speaker 02

  By?

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Munch?

• 5:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, Edvard.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Edvard Munch.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  One point to Romesh.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  One point to Romesh.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  Didn't know that one? Yeah. That one.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  Homalon. Okay, go on. Let's do the next one.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  Uh, naked lady emerging from a large shell.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Uh. When Lisa and I went to Sunny last year.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Why'd you put her in a shell?

• 5:55Speaker 00

  Huh? We had this thing, I was playing Sebastian and then she said the, she said the accent was a bit offensive, so I had to stop doing it. We went to come with this other crab. He was called Prakash. And we felt it was, it sort of slightly worked a bit more. And then I thought, oh my God, you're coming out of the shell all negged. So she thought she had to do an Asian accent. I said, I think it doesn't really work when it's coming from you. She's going, oh bloody hell. I'm so horny after coming out of this shell. I said, I don't think you should do that. We had a bit of an argument. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It was a fun holiday. Uh, I don't know the answer to this. What was it?

• 6:32Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't know the answer.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Birth of Venus by Botticelli.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Venus. Oh.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, good one.

• 6:39Speaker 02

  I don't think I have to get Aki even.

• 6:41Speaker 00

  I'm not. It's a good one. It's a good picture. Probably Botticelli's best.

• 6:45Speaker 01

  What's the best? The, what, what's the gentleman's name you said?

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Botticelli.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Botticelli. Who's the singer?

• 6:53Speaker 02

  Pavarotti?

• 6:54Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  Andrea Bocelli.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Botticelli, yeah. You're confusing me with the painter.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Woman smiling slightly.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  I know this one, but let's see.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  No, I don't. I, I, I haven't got a clue about artists.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Romesh, you may be doing an impression. I think you know. You're doing an impression so you can guess it from the impression.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  That's the impression?

• 7:22Speaker 02

  That's actually not bad.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  Um, I think arms like clasped.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  No idea. Anybody else?

• 7:36Speaker 00

  They all know.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  How about, let me try a different way.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Because I'm difficult to find it.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Most famous painting in the world. Doesn't, she isn't half miserable.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Sometimes you call my wife this.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  Mo- Mona Lisa?

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Mona Lisa?

• 7:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  She's not getting a point for that.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  One each.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  One each.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  That is insane.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Okay, this is the decider. Um.

• 8:07Speaker 00

  What do you think of my impression now that you know the picture then?

• 8:08Speaker 01

  You are superb. You, you, I love it, man. When you do the impression, this is.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  No, the Mona Lisa, that's.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  Mona Lisa, I thought.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  She put it side by side.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  Side by side.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Okay. Uh, what's the next one? This is the decider now. So whoever gets this wins. So listen up.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Loads of melted clocks.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  I can't remember what it's called.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  Yes, Shanti.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  No, it's a weird decision to buzz, I'd say.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  You're thinking, if you just know the, the artist, I'll give you a point.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Here's a clue. You make one of your dishes that you make regularly, sounds a bit like his name.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Lasagna?

• 9:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. Peter Lasagna.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Aubergine curry?

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Or mutton curry?

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's mutton curry. James Mutton Curry is the...

• 9:29Speaker 02

  Vegetable dish, vegetable dish.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Vegetable dish?

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, vegetable dish.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  You've trained mum to not do anything in her, she just repeats what you're saying.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  No, the aubergine curry.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, aubergine curry.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's his name?

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Yeah. Can't remember what the picture, is the picture called Time?

• 9:49Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Salvador Dali is that. Dali, Dali, Dali.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Dali, oh.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  The persistence of memory.

• 9:58Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Hmm, that's quite difficult. Great picture, though.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  That's, uh, that's okay.

• 10:03Speaker 00

  That's the okay.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Stop that, Romy.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  Mum, how much would you pay for the Mona Lisa to have it in your house?

• 10:14Speaker 01

  I don't know about, anything about paintings. Uh, there's a big space in my kitchen.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  And I'm looking around to get a painting for that place.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  I've got about six bits of art in my house that I haven't figured out where to put yet.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  You might only give me one.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  You can have one if you want.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Please.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  When you go home, you will forget, man.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  Probably.

• 10:39Speaker 02

  I'm just letting you know that sounds quite, uh, the fact you've got sort of works of art.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  Well, it's not, it's not munch's scream. It's like just stuff like, I saw a nice picture and I bought it, but I can't figure out where to put it.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  I've never bought art, I don't think. Have you?

• 10:53Speaker 05

  No, I mean like prints and stuff.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  It, it's not really, I'm making, I'm not like an art collector. It's like...

• 10:58Speaker 02

  So would you go to like fairs and stuff to like?

• 11:00Speaker 01

  No.

• 11:01Speaker 05

  Like a gallery?

• 11:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. Would you go to private exhibitions where you purchase art? Where do you go buy art? You're so...

• 11:08Speaker 00

  Online mostly.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  Are you talking about posters?

• 11:11Speaker 00

  No, paintings. Like, I've got, you've, I've got one in my office.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Mum, when I said to you, I'm looking for a nice painting.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Why didn't you offer me one?

• 11:20Speaker 00

  Um...

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Why? You're my son.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  I've, can I be honest with you? I think you've dialed up the drama a little bit disproportionately to the situation.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Why are you so angry about that?

• 11:33Speaker 01

  I'm not, do I look angry?

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  You, the reason I thought you were angry is because you're, you look and are behaving angry.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Son, why never you didn't offer me the painting?

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Oh, good. It's a good, it's a good second attempt. I would say meet, split the difference.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Romy.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  I still think, I still think, I still think you're too far in one direction.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Try it more naturally.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Romy, why didn't you offer me one of your paintings? You know I have a big space in my kitchen.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  You can have one of my paintings. It was negligent of me to not offer you one.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Thank you. Yeah, you could do that. So when can I collect it?

• 12:13Speaker 00

  Um, you can collect it whenever you want. Maybe come around and have a look at what I've got and then you can take one.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  You have got so many of them?

• 12:20Speaker 00

  I've got like four, I think.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Whom did you buy it for?

• 12:24Speaker 00

  For myself.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Where are I going to put it?

• 12:26Speaker 00

  I don't know, that's the...

• 12:28Speaker 01

  I know you've got lots of pictures of Kama Sutra.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  On the, on the video.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  You know, that is actually true, so...

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, all the positions. If you don't know, you can look at Romy's pictures.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  Where?

• 12:42Speaker 01

  On the bedroom, go into the bedroom.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  On the wall?

• 12:45Speaker 01

  On the wall.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  What's, in the bed, in his bedroom around the wall, so he...

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Normally, when you...

• 12:50Speaker 02

  So you can spin the bottle, he can just choose one. We'll do that one tonight.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, ah.

• 12:54Speaker 00

  It, no, it's, as you're going up the stairs.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  There's like, on the wall, there's all the different positions of the Kama Sutra. But it doesn't look that sexual. I know that sounds weird.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  It is sexual. If you're horny, it will look nice.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're right. The number of times I've just like sat in front of those pictures masturbating.

• 13:12Speaker 02

  Have you ever been in the toilets, this is quite a wanky story, but the toilets in Soho House, West Hollywood?

• 13:18Speaker 00

  I know exactly what you're talking about, yes.

• 13:19Speaker 02

  It looks like it's really nice sort of designed wallpaper.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  And then you get close to it and it's all explicit porn.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  No, not even positions like...

• 13:28Speaker 00

  Explicit pornography.

• 13:29Speaker 02

  Like, and, and it's like a place where kids go in to that toilet.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  I had, I had a, a meeting there about a new show. And then I said, excuse me, can I go to the toilet? And then they had to end the meeting because I was gone for two and a half hours.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  Were you banking?

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Great question.

• 13:48Speaker 00

  Um, anyway.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  Nothing like an art specialist.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So mum's gonna come and get, you can get, come and get a picture, mum.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  Thank you so much. Very kind of you.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, great. Uh, okay, it's time for listener questions, where people sending questions. Moving on to our listener questions. We've got some listener questions. We love your suggestions. We've got some listener questions.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  Okay, keep sending us, please, your WhatsApp messages and voice notes to 07731623355, or email [email protected]. And please, for God's sake, if you haven't already, can you please like and subscribe wherever you get your bloody podcasts? Can't believe you're listening and watching this, but you haven't bloody liked and subscribed.

• 14:33Speaker 05

  But they are.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 14:35Speaker 00

  But if you are, good, thank you. But if you haven't, bloody, bloody get it sorted out.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Get it out, yeah.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Bugger.

• 14:40Speaker 05

  You should see the percentage of people that watch it who aren't subscribed.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  What is that?

• 14:45Speaker 05

  It's high. It's higher than you'd think.

• 14:47Speaker 00

  You bloody fuckin' hell.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  Please do that for us.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  You silly buggers. What are you doing that for? Bloody, huh? Tell them, mum.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  Like and subscribe.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  Come on, like and subscribe. It will be helpful. We can do more shows for you. And you can ask any amount of questions, personal questions, anything about sex. I'm here to answer. Thank you so much. There you are.

• 15:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, bloody. Okay, uh, our first question is from New York City. Rachel, okay, let's hear it.

• 15:19Speaker 06

  Hi, Romy and Shanti. Rachel from New York here. I'd love an episode where you paint each other's portraits. Uh, Shanti, I'd really like for you to focus on getting the facial features as accurate as possible. Uh, thanks. Love the show. Love you, Shanti. Bye.

• 15:36Speaker 00

  Fuck.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  And that's why you've got the...

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 15:40Speaker 00

  Oh, really? Thanks for explaining.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  So we've now got to draw each other.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  Each other?

• 15:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  For God's sake, no.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 15:50Speaker 01

  Take your bloody hat off then.

• 15:52Speaker 00

  Okay, take your bloody half then.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  All right, you've got your bloody half?

• 16:01Speaker 01

  You've got your hair. So can you sell these pencils, Romy?

• 16:04Speaker 00

  No, I think you just do it with your natural secretions.

• 16:12Speaker 01

  You are such a horrible boy to my mother.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Right, what colour would you like?

• 16:15Speaker 01

  I like the blue.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  Blue? Which blue?

• 16:19Speaker 01

  The pink. Give me the pink.

• 16:20Speaker 00

  You want this one?

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm using that. No, Jake, here you go. Why are you using pink?

• 16:28Speaker 01

  Okay, blue then.

• 16:28Speaker 00

  No, I'm, okay, that, that has no logic to using blue. We're drawing each other, so what are you doing?

• 16:34Speaker 01

  So give me a black. You are black. Give me the black one.

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Okay, here you go. Okay, so...

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• 17:41Speaker 00

  We're gonna draw a portrait of each other.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  And then the listeners and viewers are gonna decide a view, a winner.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  Okay, right.

• 17:50Speaker 00

  Who's done the best one.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  Right, so how do you normally start when you're drawing somebody?

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Put the eye first. Yeah?

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Don't take the piss with the eye, please.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  And you're paid, you're made to talk us through what you're feeling, the emotions going as you paint, like try and paint, try and paint a picture with words whilst you paint a picture with pens.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  Okay, so, uh, all right, I'm doing the nose.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  But in French.

• 18:14Speaker 00

  Okay, so I have to try and capture the beauty of my, my mare.

• 18:23Speaker 02

  How, how, what, what are the emotions?

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Felt depends, which are my, my tool of choice.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  What core emotions does your mother make you feel as you paint?

• 18:34Speaker 00

  As I draw her, I think about all of the times that I developed a little bit of self-esteem and then she turned up to shit on it. Trying to capture that.

• 18:45Speaker 05

  And Shanti, what's going through your head? What are you trying to focus on there?

• 18:49Speaker 01

  He got a beautiful face. Uh, it's finding it difficult to put it on, in paper. But I'm trying my best. I don't know what to do with those eyes, but I'll...

• 19:03Speaker 00

  So the doctor said?

• 19:07Speaker 00

  Mine looks quite...

• 19:14Speaker 00

  Um, no, mum's got a beautiful face.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  So have you.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  Gorgeous woman.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  Uh, I'm not sure I've captured her femininity. In my drawing.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  Don't make me look like a man, okay?

• 19:34Speaker 00

  This is such a fuck up.

• 19:36Speaker 05

  Shanti, don't show Rom, but can you just show us your drawing quickly?

• 19:42Speaker 05

  There he is.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  That's really good.

• 19:44Speaker 05

  Beautiful. Then Rom.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  I can't show you one.

• 19:47Speaker 05

  Don't show Shanti, but just show us quickly.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  It's interpretation as hell.

• 20:00Speaker 05

  Variation on a theme.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  I feel like we get the idea for both, though. We could do a...

• 20:13Speaker 02

  So I think on the count of three, uh, turn and show each other. One, two, three.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Bloody hell.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Jimmy's over.

• 20:33Speaker 02

  It is actually quite savoury.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, savoury.

• 20:36Speaker 00

  What the hell is that, by the way? That does look like Jimmy Savile, fucking hell.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Why, what happened with the eyebrows?

• 20:43Speaker 00

  So.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  They go off her face.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  I know, so I, I didn't.

• 20:49Speaker 05

  Why's she got a ferret on her head?

• 20:51Speaker 00

  I was trying to do that bit where she's got her hair swept across.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  Look at this.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  What is that? Yours looks like the missing link.

• 21:00Speaker 01

  What's the link? Everything is there, your mouth, here.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  That looks like a, that looks like a monkey.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  No, it's not.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  Or it looks like a yeti or something.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Very worried, isn't it? It's quite atmospheric.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  You remember that, Mum?

• 21:15Speaker 02

  It's got the weight of the world on his shoulders.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  When I talk to you, that's the way you look.

• 21:19Speaker 02

  There is, there is a sort of energy to that, that's quite impressive.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  This is ridiculous, this is.

• 21:26Speaker 05

  Looks like somebody who sort of shouldn't be allowed in their school.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  That feels like one of the, the police drawings, doesn't it?

• 21:32Speaker 05

  No, yeah, that's right. It feels like a court drawing.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, don't approach this man.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  My, my lady was drawing.

• 21:38Speaker 02

  Can I just say, you've, you've got the solution. You don't need to go to Rom's to get the painting.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  No, I'll take this.

• 21:44Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Fuck you, me.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  I don't want it.

• 21:51Speaker 00

  Uh, I don't, it just got away from me. I don't, like, it started quite well and then, once you've lost it, it's gone. Uh, anyway, please vote for your favourite in the comments. Uh, congratulations, Mum, I should, we should just say. Next up, we've got an email from Steph. Hi, Romesh, Shanti and the team of monsters. We love the podcast and listen every Monday and Thursday. The Thursday episode's been a family favourite, which raises questions about our competence as parents. I try and skip over the X-rated filth either end. My daughter, thirteen, knows I'm a huge fan of yours. And drew Romesh in my birthday card. I thought you might like to see. Shout out to Juno, the artist. Let's have a look. Oh, it's actually very good.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  It's good.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Really good. Um, that looks like it's taken from my irrational tour poster. Just based on the colours and the facial expression. Um, I am actually on a birthday card in Tesco's.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 22:51Speaker 00

  They, they've done this thing, and I don't know what the legalities of this, I don't care, by the way. But they've taken like likenesses of people and put them into, onto cards. So you don't, it doesn't say that it's you. But it, you know, it's pretty obvious.

• 23:07Speaker 05

  It's definitely meant to be you, isn't it?

• 23:08Speaker 02

  What's it saying?

• 23:09Speaker 00

  Uh, goodbye, it's like something sarcastic, like goodbye to another year or something like that. What's my legal position on that?

• 23:16Speaker 02

  I think you'll, I think it depends how like, how much they've ripped off your likeness. If it's initiative, I'm not sure you could, we could still try and sue them. We could get a legal team together.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, can we do that, please? Yeah.

• 23:28Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 23:28Speaker 00

  I think it's quite a small company, so I'd love to shut them down.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Um, keep up the good work. Uh, I wish I had disgusting photos of toenail fluff to send you, but sadly my feet are exemplary. With love, Steph. And once again, uh, we are still getting toenail photos. I do want to take this opportunity, uh, to say, please stop sending them. The team are getting incredibly upset. It genuinely, the other day, it sounded like someone had let a firework off at a zoo. The noises they were making, and it's because of the toenail photos. Please stop sending them. They're either screaming or they're wanking. It has to stop. Um, Mum, did, when we did art at school, did you ever like it? Was I good at drawing then? Was it, or me and Dinesh? Were there any pictures that you liked?

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, you are, some of them, yeah, some of them, yeah.

• 24:17Speaker 00

  Uh, I don't, I've never been good at drawing. I was quite a good poet. I got published as a poet.

• 24:24Speaker 02

  That's her?

• 24:25Speaker 01

  He used to win first English, uh, okay, say, they do an exam, exam or whatever. You always, four years in a row.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  No, it was, this is actually, it was, this is a bit nerdy. It's actually not a bit nerdy, very nerdy. It was the public reading prize.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  A reading prize, yeah.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  Four, I won four back to back.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Really?

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I had to, they had to stop entry, maybe. It's like Cuba in the DMC. He's a fucking loser. Uh, he said, hello, uh, we don't think Romesh is ever gonna have sex. Um, it was, uh, it's like you have to, you have to read a bit from your favourite book out loud. So tragic, isn't it?

• 25:11Speaker 05

  Which book did you read from?

• 25:12Speaker 00

  I can't remember. Uh, one of them was Terry Pratchett, I remember that. Um, I can't remember the others, but yeah, anyway.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Did you just, did you do it in your normal voice? Did you put on a reading voice?

• 25:24Speaker 00

  I, um, I tried to give something to the delivery, you know?

• 25:30Speaker 02

  We sort of, I imagine, when I'm, I'm, I'm imagining you sort of like engaging like a slightly thespian version of yourself.

• 25:37Speaker 00

  Uh, I'm gonna say it's thespian, but you know, I gave a little bit. It's a shame I don't have a bit, Kiroth, I could have demonstrated.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Do you want to, do you want to me, I can define a poem, you could do a bit of.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  No, let's not do that.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  The principal rang me and said, if you don't mind, we'll only give it to a different boy. Because he has been winning in every year, so.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  Couldn't they have just given it to someone else, though?

• 25:59Speaker 01

  That's what they did.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  I think it's because it was clear that, who the champ was.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  You were that good at reading out a story.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  Reading out, school, yeah.

• 26:05Speaker 02

  Compared to everyone else, it was.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, in right good grammar.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Why are you sounding so?

• 26:10Speaker 02

  Why, it's like it's reading out a story.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I was better than the other, everybody was doing that. I get it if I was like, if I was reading out a story and the other person was doing gymnastics, I get why you'd, I get that. You know, in, in, in that competition, I don't, but everybody's reading.

• 26:27Speaker 02

  Stumbling over their words.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  They're not stumbling over their words, but they didn't, they weren't giving it the fucking level of showbiz that I was. I'm great at reading.

• 26:37Speaker 05

  You were the best.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  So you were giving loads of emotion, were you?

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:41Speaker 00

  Why do you find that so hard to believe?

• 26:43Speaker 02

  No, no, okay.

• 26:45Speaker 05

  Are you, but you, uh, are you a sort of like participation medal kind of guy?

• 26:50Speaker 02

  What does that mean?

• 26:51Speaker 05

  Well, it means like, it's either like, some people believe in like, if you are the best, you should get the award for being the best. Other people are like, well, everyone really tried, so they should get a medal too.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  I just don't know how these other people were so bad that they weren't any sort of.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  They weren't so bad, I was just better than them.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  So they.

• 27:05Speaker 00

  I was the Max Verstappen of reading out loud.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  But your range is sort of.

• 27:11Speaker 00

  I was the Michael Jordan of reading out loud.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  It's just reading, isn't it?

• 27:16Speaker 00

  Lionel Messi of reading out loud.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  How many people entered this competition?

• 27:20Speaker 00

  Well, each, I think each class nominated their best reader.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  So there's more than 10 people reading?

• 27:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  And you're telling me nine of those people didn't come anywhere close to you, that they could have said, yeah, that, give it to them this year. They were that much worse than you.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Correct. They're not, they weren't worse, they're just coming up against the goat. What am I supposed to say? It's like, it's like going, you know.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  There's no way we can give the award to anyone else.

• 27:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, we'll have to phone his mum.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  Because of his range of oratory skills.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:48Speaker 02

  It's so out of this world, different.

• 27:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like, I, I'm as, I'm as good at reading out loud as you are at being a doubting little prick. Does that, does that example help?

• 28:01Speaker 01

  Romesh, read a book for us.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  Does that analogy help you?

• 28:04Speaker 02

  I just can't imagine it.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  Well, it, it still happened. Things happen that you can't imagine.

• 28:09Speaker 05

  Is it, is it Rom being good at reading?

• 28:11Speaker 02

  It's a combination of that, that I, I can so imagine you are good at reading, like you read aloud a lot and like, you're great at it and like, that's actually one of the things you do day to day. So I can see why that's a skill that you've got. The idea that you are, that you are head and shoulders above anyone else in your school at reading aloud. You're reading aloud.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, so is everyone else, though. That's what I don't understand. Everybody else is also reading aloud. You're going, you're reading aloud, you're reading aloud. How are you beating the other? They're also reading aloud. We're all doing the same thing.

• 28:45Speaker 05

  Well, that's exactly what I was gonna say. If it was like sports.

• 28:47Speaker 02

  I get it.

• 28:48Speaker 05

  Oh, okay.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  I'd understand it then. If you were like, if you were, if you were jumping an extra four feet in the air on the high jump, and look, well, obviously he's gonna win every year. You're reading aloud, it's like.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'm, I was fucking great at it.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  Stumble once.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  It wasn't about stumbling, baby. It's about, it was about adding a little bit of zzz, zzz, zzz, you know, stay quiet, you know?

• 29:09Speaker 02

  So you were giving it loads of emotion.

• 29:11Speaker 00

  I fucking smashed it.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Okay, well, congratulations.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  They had to retire me from the competition. I was the fucking champ.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  Reading aloud, yeah.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. What is it about that you can't accept?

• 29:20Speaker 02

  No, I, I'd now accept it.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Can you show us how to read?

• 29:24Speaker 00

  Well, I'm a fucking, like, it's not, at that time, I was.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Fourteen, fifteen, how?

• 29:29Speaker 00

  Well, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. Back to back, baby.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  I've learnt something new about you and I'm very proud of you. Well done.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Doesn't feel like you are. You spent the whole time trying to disprove it. I can't, reading aloud? How could you? I was the fucking champ. You need to recognise. I was the fucking best. I, I retired all those other little pricks and then eventually they said, can you stop entering because you're so fucking good?

• 29:55Speaker 02

  Were you bringing, have you got medals or anything?

• 29:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, they, yeah, yeah.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Can you bring them in next?

• 30:00Speaker 01

  We are allowed to keep it.

• 30:01Speaker 00

  So you can throw them to the ground?

• 30:02Speaker 02

  No, I just like to see them.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  You got a prize for this?

• 30:05Speaker 01

  No, it's, what do you call it? It's like a.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  Certificate.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  No!

• 30:09Speaker 00

  Oh, what?

• 30:10Speaker 01

  It's a plaque? What is that?

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Plaque, yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  You've got a plaque?

• 30:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, for that. But it's, we had to give it back. We had to give it back.

• 30:19Speaker 02

  You had to give it back?

• 30:20Speaker 01

  Give it back.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  So, so doesn't, so we don't know this?

• 30:23Speaker 01

  So we kept it for four years.

• 30:24Speaker 02

  Have you got photos of it?

• 30:26Speaker 01

  I have one and I have been digging through it.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  Here's a que, okay, listen, first of all, let's assume that your cynicism is correct, okay? Here's my counter question to you. Who the fuck would make the uppers a flex? What do you think we have got to stand to gain by making up a story of me being, going back to back to back to back in the reading out loud competition at school? Do you not think between us, we'd have concocted something a little bit more impressive than that?

• 31:03Speaker 02

  It's a valid point.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  Great. That's all we've got time for, you little bitches. We'll be back on Monday with another brand new crackalacking episode. Mum, do you want to say bye?

• 31:13Speaker 01

  Bye bye, everybody. Please keep on sending comments and email and texts.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Ton of gout, you silly fucks. Peace out.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  Peace out.

• 31:25Speaker 00

  I am the reading goat, motherfucker. Nobody read, no, nobody reads like me. Back to back to back to back, baby.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  Everybody else had to put their books away.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:37Speaker 00

  Huh?

• 31:38Speaker 01

  I sleep on it.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  She sleeps on it. Thank you so much for watching and listening to this episode. Before you go, if you've enjoyed this episode and you've not subscribed, that's a bold decision. Crazy behaviour. Follow and subscribe to the Romesh Wang and Ethan Show wherever you listen. It helps me, really, like, really helps me. It helps the team. And it costs you absolutely nothing. We drop episodes every Monday and Thursday. Mondays, I'm joined by great guests. Thursdays, when Mum Shanti joins me to answer your questions and family dilemmas. We'll see you Monday with another great guest and back here with Mum on Thursday. If you've got a problem you want to solve or a story you want to share, send it to [email protected].

• 32:19Speaker 00

  Voice note or text us on 07731 623355. We can't promise good advice, but you might end up on the show. See you soon.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Oh, shut up, Romesh.

• 32:33Speaker 03

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