‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ With Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe, and Craig Horlbeck

If Bill, Zach, and Craig aren’t back in 5 minutes… just wait longer. The guys head down to Miami to investigate Jim Carrey’s breakout film ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ also starring Courtney Cox, Sean Young, and Tone Loc. Producers: Craig Horlbeck, Chia Hao Tat, Eduardo Ocampo, and Matt Pevic Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Bill Simmons?

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• 0:42Bill Simmons?

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• 1:17Bill Simmons?

  The Rewatchables brought to by The Ringer Podcast Network, where you can find The Ringer Fantasy Football Show with Craig Hornbeck, You're Also at the End of the Town with Matt Bellany, and you're on this podcast as well, you produce it. Every once in a while, we bring you in as a host. It's a big day. Zach Lowe's first Rewatchables ever.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  What's happening?

• 1:35Bill Simmons?

  Zach Lowe, you can find on the Zach Lowe

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Show.

• 1:38Bill Simmons?

  Show. We call it the Zach Lowe Show.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:41Bill Simmons?

  Now you're calling it the Z Lowe Show.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  It's just short for, gotta say, my characters on social media, you know?

• 1:45Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, which is also, by the way, on Netflix.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  It is.

• 1:48Bill Simmons?

  Um, and you're, you do Mets Corners. That they, people know you for basketball and Mets Corner. They don't know you for the movies. So a lot of pressure for you.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  It's a good start now. I've got, I got a lot of takes on pop culture that I've been waiting to unleash on various Ringer shows.

• 2:01Bill Simmons?

  Zach Lowe sends me a list of the movies he want to do. Some of them were not surprising. And then second at the top, Ace Ventura. And I was like, wow, I'm gonna file that one away. Ace Ventura is next.

• 2:28Bill Simmons?

  Ace Ventura, why?

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Formative, I mean, I was, I think, 16 when it came out, maybe 15. Formative to my comedic sensibilities. Has some extremely problematic elements that 16-year-old me was not prepared to grapple with at the time. But just, I became a Jim Carrey superfan. I was already a Jim Carrey superfan from In Living Color, but this, it's just the weirdest, most ridic- There's no way this movie should ever have been made. There's no way it should work. There's just no way it should even exist in the world. And it's awesome.

• 3:04Bill Simmons?

  Craig, you're younger.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I probably saw it when I was nine, 10 years old, I guess so, in the early 2000s. But Carey was right in that range with like Farley, Sandler, Mike Myers, as all these guys who just committed to the bit.

• 3:18Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  And they were, I mean, and Carey in particular is like a human cartoon. I mean, his face is made of rubber and the commitment to the bit is just something that has completely aged out and nobody does what he's doing anymore. You just like wind him up and watch him go. Like, I don't even know if the movie's good, but you just sit back and you watch Jim Carrey do this. And when you, when you watch other things, you know, about him in the 90s and stuff like that, you realize that he's not really doing a character. Ace Ventura just is Jim Carrey. It was like stand-up from him in the early 90s. And he does, he walks out and he goes, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Jim Carrey and how are you this evening? Alrighty then." And that was him three years before. He just, he, this is him.

• 3:58Bill Simmons?

  Like 10 years before. Can I give you my Jim Carrey? So Zach and I, we've had this burning bid. I don't know where it started. It started in my column or in podcasts we did about islands and stock and-

• 4:08Speaker 01

  It started with Dion Waiters. I think Dion Waiters is ground zero for the island slash island adjacent movement.

• 4:15Bill Simmons?

  So people always ask, or in order to rewatchables, who's Dion Waiters? Cause we have the Dion Waiters Award for biggest heat check. It started because Zach and I felt like we were the only two people that liked Dion Waiters. And we started Waiters Island. It got to the point where I have a Waiters Island T-shirt.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  So do I. It's red.

• 4:31Bill Simmons?

  Somebody gave it to us?

• 4:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's got like Gilligan's Island font. They clearly ripped off the Gilligan's Island font.

• 4:37Bill Simmons?

  So when I was a kid in the eighties, I would, I just would like people and would not understand why they didn't become more famous. And most of those people I knew from either Saturday Live, David Letterman Show, or like weird HBO shows. I saw Jim Carrey. I'm not doing the, I saw, I claimed Jim Carrey. I just always liked Jim Carrey because it started, he did this Comedy Store Anniversary Show in 1983. You can find it on YouTube. 11th Annual Comedy Store Show. And he came on, I didn't know who he was, and he just started doing impressions. And he did Leonid Brezhnev, he did Clint Eastwood. And it was just like, what is this guy doing? He just did a Leonid Brezhnev impersonation. He did all these things. But the best one he did was Michael Landon smiling.

• 5:21Bill Simmons?

  And he's like, here's an impression of Michael Landon smiling. And he turns away and he comes back and he just kind of does it. And I was just like, this is, who is this guy? This is amazing. So then he was on Letterman a year later, saw that too. He was in a movie called Once Bitten, which is a vampire movie with Lauren Hutton. And it was like, hey, it's the guy who did the Michael Landon smiling. I hope this is going to work out for him. Didn't see him again for five years. Comes back in, in, in Love and Color, and he's the white guy. And then becomes the biggest star on that show. He's in Comic Relief a couple of times, but it never really happens for him. And then they finally throw him a bone with this movie. And I think he was like, this is my one chance. I'm fucking making this happen. And it turns out he is one of the great, I mean, there's

• 6:05Bill Simmons?

  other stuff. He got rejected from SNL twice, Craig. 1980 and 86. And the second time Lauren was doing the casting, it was the Dana Carvey, it was Phil Hartman. And he wanted to be on the show and he got rejected.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  And I'm pretty sure I've seen like the audition tape from that and it's legitimately very funny. Like it's one of those, some of those you watch and you're like, yeah, he didn't, didn't bring, didn't bring the right stuff that day. I understand why they said no. That one, you're like, oh, that was like right in front of their face and they missed it.

• 6:33Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, Lauren was always like weird about the, the mugging. He never really had like the mugging over the top characters. They're almost always better as the guest host.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's almost, Kerry's almost too big for SNL. I wonder how he would have operated in like a normal sketch playing the boyfriend. If he could even do that.

• 6:48Bill Simmons?

  He would have overpowered it. Well, the irony is, I think that like the conversation of what was the greatest SNL ever. There's always like four or five.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  I was just about to say.

• 6:56Bill Simmons?

  I actually think he hosted the best one ever. And I think the guest may have been, or the musical guest was Soundgarden, I want to say. But he was on and it was Will Ferrell's first year and they just went Magic and Bird for like an hour and a half.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  The hot tub lifeguard, the jacuzzi lifeguard, just like, swimmer, you are too far away.

• 7:14Bill Simmons?

  Well, he also did the Night of the Roxbury sketch.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, of course.

• 7:18Bill Simmons?

  And they did the, those, and that was like, had become a thing.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  And even that movement is kind of Ace Ventura.

• 7:24Bill Simmons?

  Right. And so he did it and his head is just going over here and there. Like he was just crazy. So anyway. The reason we bring all this up is because this guy goes from like, I like that guy. I wish. And then on Living Color, like, oh, I wonder if anything. And then all of a sudden, 1994 is one of the great years in the history of movies.

• 7:42Speaker 02

  Which he does what? He does this, The Mask and Dumb and Dumber all come out in the same year.

• 7:46Bill Simmons?

  Ace Ventura comes out February 17th. The Mask comes out July, uh, July. Ace Ventura 17th worldwide that year. The Mask is ninth. Mask comes out and hits. Now everybody's like Jim Carrey is now the future of comedy. Dumb and Dumber, December. That's the biggest one of all of them, sixth.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  And I believe the Farrelly brothers who did Dumb and Dumber cast him after seeing Ace Ventura.

• 8:09Bill Simmons?

  Yes.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  Which happened in only like a 10, 11 month span.

• 8:12Bill Simmons?

  Here's the other thing. He's still on in Living Color for half of the year because the show ends in May. So he has the three biggest comedy movies of the year. And he's on the show that I think a lot of people loved and lasted four years. It really left because Ken and Ivory Wayans left. He made almost 700 million in those three movies with the box office gross. And he was the second highest grossing box office star in 1994. And at the start of the year, it was the white guy in In Living Color. Like, there's never been a year like that that I can remember.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  In my half-assed internet research, I think it was a Ringer story about it, but it was either Ringer or Vulture. He was paid less than half a million dollars for Ace Ventura. Like, that-

• 8:53Bill Simmons?

  I have it. 350 for Ace, 450 for Mask.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:57Bill Simmons?

  7 million for Dumb and Dumber, 10 million for Ace 2, and then 20 million for the Cable Guy.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  The one that broke Hollywood. Everyone was like, "Oh, my God, this is not right. This guy makes faces and he's getting Tom Cruise money? What's going on?"

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Well, you almost kind of understand why he wasn't paid that much for Ace Ventura, because the movie is a crazy risk. The character that he's playing and the script and what it is, he even says in the research, like, when you listen to him talk about the movie and when they were making this movie, he was like, "I knew this was either going to be something that people really went for. It was going to completely ruin me."

• 9:25Bill Simmons?

  Right.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  And you can kind of tell. The production company who made this movie, Morgan Creek Productions, the CEO, Jim Robinson, said, "Make a film that nobody my age gets." And wasn't this movie completely panned? Like, Ebert and all these guys, the critics hated this movie.

• 9:38Bill Simmons?

  People hated it.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  I can't even imagine, if I was 16, my dad was, like, early 50s. I can't even imagine him tolerating this movie at that age for five minutes. He would have, not only would he have not tolerated it, he would have not tolerated it being on in our house. So, I can't, this is not even allowed.

• 9:59Speaker 02

  It's really apex mountain for, you had to have seen this movie within a certain age range, and if you didn't, there's no way it would work. But if you saw it between, like, 10 and 18, it's with you for life. But you can't bring anyone into it now.

• 10:11Bill Simmons?

  So, I tried with my son, who's 18.

• 10:16Bill Simmons?

  He was like, this movie's terrible.

• 10:19Bill Simmons?

  But Jim Carrey's hilarious.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 10:22Bill Simmons?

  And he was like, I get why they made it. I get why I was successful and I enjoyed it. And I was like, you're gonna end up watching it 10 times. He's like, yeah, probably.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I don't even know what PG 13 means anymore, but this movie was made for 13 year old boys.

• 10:35Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 02

  Carrey's a good blend of, there's adult humor in the movie and there's, there's kid humor. And it feels like now those things are kind of bifurcated where you can only have one or the other. But this movie, I mean, there are a lot of references, I'll get into this later, that I don't, that I definitely didn't understand when I was a kid that I do now. There's sexual innuendos and things like, things like that. But then it's also just like him kicking around a package and it's hilarious.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. I had forgotten about the opening scene and kicking around the package. And, cause I had not seen the movie before, researched for this, and I'm gonna say eight to 10 years I had not even, that had even been on for more than five minutes continuously in my life. And I completely forgot about that scene. And it's like an extended.

• 11:13Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Like walk, like walk and tracking shot kind of thing. I'm like, and he just says nothing. And he's both, he's immediately athletic, graceful, and just wildly out there, like from, from shot one of the movie. It's like, wait, they're doing, it's just two minutes of this guy kicking a package. Why is this happening? And I didn't even remember why it was happening. Like, why is he intentionally damaging this package? What is going on here? Like, I'd forgotten.

• 11:38Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  I think it's so the guy has to spend time filling out the forms.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  He kidnaps the dog. Kidnaps the dog and replace it with stuffed animal.

• 11:45Bill Simmons?

  It's, this is something that would happen in the eighties and nineties, and I don't feel like it happens anymore. Where somebody is just kind of famous and funny enough to get a movie greenlit like this, where it's like, it's a dumb premise and you're the star. Let's make it. Like Billy Madison, same thing with Adam Sandler. That was his first movie. Mike Myers had So I Married an Axe Murderer, which we did, which is a little more advanced, I think, than this movie, but.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  But it's just.

• 12:10Bill Simmons?

  Norm MacDonald had Dirty Work, remember?

• 12:12Speaker 02

  It's just letting somebody cook.

• 12:13Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, just like, just be funny, do the stuff you do, we'll, we'll come up with some premise around it and just go nuts.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Does Tommy Boy fall into that?

• 12:21Bill Simmons?

  Tommy Boy's another one, but this is, and then they tried with Will Ferrell with Night of the Roxbury, and they didn't really get it right with him until old school, but. Um, I don't feel like Marcelo Hernandez, who seems like he's taking off on SNL now. In 1993, they just would have been like, just do a movie where you live with your family and do Marcelo Hernandez's things and here's a dumb premise. It's kind of gone.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I don't, I don't know if Marcelo, he would have to have a character that was big enough and popular enough to even warrant that. I mean, he did like the, the one where he's there at the like, bachelorette party and he's getting cheated on or whatever.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Domingo.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, that would have been a movie probably in the nineties.

• 13:00Bill Simmons?

  In 1993, they would have made a Domingo movie. They did it with-

• 13:03Speaker 01

  We might be speaking into existence right now. Like, someone is gonna listen to this and be like, that's, that's not about, like, that's bankable.

• 13:09Bill Simmons?

  Well, one of the things I think everyone in Hollywood is trying to figure out right now is, what happened in the comedy, can we bring it back? Right? Because horror movies have just been unassailable since the early seventies. Action movies come and go, franchises, but these comedies that are these iconic nineties and 2000s comedies, they just, they don't exist in the same way. Now they kind of end up on streamers just to start out with, or they become TV shows. Like Craig Loves the Studio.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 13:37Bill Simmons?

  Maybe in the nineties, the studio was just a TV show, is a movie, it's a 90-minute movie.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  It's a bummer because that, you know, comedies used to make good money, not huge money, but good money. And now people just want to hit home runs and not doubles.

• 13:51Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  And so comedies now live on streaming services and it stinks because if you ever, once in a while, get to see a comedy in theater still, like I saw the new Naked Gun in a packed theater, it was such a better experience and it completely shapes your opinion of a movie. If you're watching alone on your couch versus two hundred other people, because when everybody else is laughing, you feel comfortable to laugh. And when you're alone, it just doesn't hit the same.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Every comedy you guys just named, from, from Tommy Boyd to So I Married an Axe Murder, to what you said, I, I saw all of them in the theater.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  And Naked, original Naked Gun.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  I saw in the theater. All-timer for me.

• 14:26Bill Simmons?

  I don't think people want to see comedies in the theater anymore because tickets are expensive.

• 14:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:31Bill Simmons?

  It's a whole process.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Premium.

• 14:33Bill Simmons?

  And you just wait until it is on like, whatever, on a streamer.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  It's like, you go to see Top Gun Maverick because it's a spectacle. You you don't need to see a comedy in theaters. But I would argue when you go and you do see a really funny movie in theaters, you leave being fulfilled and it's worth it.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Do people want to see horror movies in the theaters because they like the collective experience of we're all scared? Because I love that. I love being scared. I I'm not a big theater goer anymore, but I used to love going to scary movies.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  Totally.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  So why does it not translate to laughing? Like, what's what's the difference between those two sensations? That one lends itself more to collective activity.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  I just think the theatrical experience for horror, the big screen, like, just the ability to have the sound and the image being so big and like looming over you. I think delivers that fear in a way that at home can't. And people think, oh, I can laugh at home. What's the difference?

• 15:18Speaker 01

  I think there's another piece. I absolutely, you put me in a quiet house with scary movie on. That is, that's pretty scary.

• 15:24Bill Simmons?

  Well, you don't, you're not allowed to watch horror movies in your house.

• 15:27Speaker 01

  Not at the low house. Not not unless my wife is on a trip.

• 15:29Bill Simmons?

  Mrs. Lowe is hardcore. The, what are the cross-offs for you? Horror, thrillers?

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Gruesome violence, uh.

• 15:37Bill Simmons?

  Gruesome violence and horror.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, pretty much. Just it just, yeah, like nasty tension, stuff like that.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  Also, the risk of doing this movie if you're Jim Carrey, it's so vulnerable to be doing these characters. And I really think that the internet now and just the way criticism works, somebody would get destroyed if they tried to do a movie like this. And somebody did a character like this. It is so out there and putting yourself out there.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:03Bill Simmons?

  Well, there's, but there's one other piece to this, though. I hesitate to bring up. Like we, Zach's specialty is basketball.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 16:12Bill Simmons?

  He watches a lot of basketball.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:14Bill Simmons?

  And sometimes in basketball, types of players just come and go. Right? Like, we used to have centers with awesome post-up moves and then they just kind of went away. I guess my question is, do we just not have funny people that can carry movies like this anymore? Jim Carrey toiled away for 12 years doing stand up, being in sketch shows, like putting in the time. And now you have, like, not to bring up Marcelo Hernandez again, but we just brought him up before. He was on SNL for two years, probably getting off for stuff. He didn't toil away in the same way, like crafting a persona and trying to figure out all these ways to attack comedy. And maybe these people just don't exist, or maybe it's just easier to be a TikTok, YouTube, just do comedy that way.

• 16:57Bill Simmons?

  And versus like thinking about it in a movie sense. I don't know. I don't know the answers.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Also, I don't know if the upside is there. If you're Marcelo, it probably feels impossible to have your own Dumb and Dumber or Ace Ventura or Happy Gilmore, because those movies don't exist. They don't succeed in theaters. They don't make that much money. So why would he want to put himself out there and potentially put out a flop or something that lands on a streaming service?

• 17:17Bill Simmons?

  You'd rather have like a Netflix comedy?

• 17:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:18Bill Simmons?

  Well, Shane Gillis is a good example, right? Shane Gillis in the 90s would have, you time machine him, he would have made like a Dirty Work or like a

• 17:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:27Bill Simmons?

  this kind of movie. Now he does Tires on Netflix.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Well, all of these movies that we're talking about, and particularly the Carrey movies, are on some level, on every level, completely absurd. Like, the situation is absurd, the character, they don't exist in the real world. And a lot of like the great comedic people of the last 15 or 20 years have gone on and made like really funny movies, but they all exist in like our actual reality. None of them are like trying to lean into this absurd space. And so there's no, they're not like this crazy character drives them away, but like

• 18:00Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  you can go Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Will Ferrell, they've all had like these great movies, but none of them are quite this like absurd. Except Zoolander, I think, would be a good example of what I'm talking about. Just like, just a completely absurd thing that does not really exist in this world.

• 18:13Bill Simmons?

  But then Zoolander 2 didn't work.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Well, Zoolander was like 2001, so it was still kind of in that, like spiritually, a 90s movie.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  That's that long ago? Wow.

• 18:20Speaker 02

  I think so.

• 18:20Bill Simmons?

  Not only 2001, it was Like two weeks after nine eleven.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 18:25Bill Simmons?

  It was the first, hey, America, it's okay to laugh. Come see Zoolander. And it was, it kinda wasn't okay yet.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  Yeah. Farrell, I feel like was the bridge where he could still kinda do the wonky characters, the Talladega Night, your Anchorman's. But then after him, we went into the Judd Apatow era, which was more.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  That's a great call. That's, that's a persona. Those movies are the persona. They're funny. Like, I like them.

• 18:44Speaker 02

  Oh, I adore them, but they're much more grounded.

• 18:46Bill Simmons?

  It's Craig's. That's his wheelhouse.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:48Bill Simmons?

  But I mean.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  But these are.

• 18:49Bill Simmons?

  The Uptown movies are a good example. Those guys were all fucking awesome, one of a kind stars that are in those movies. Like even Ben and I watched Forty Year Old Virgin last week. Jonah Hill's in there. It's, he's like, it seems like he's like 11 years old.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  Is he buying, he's buying the boots?

• 19:07Bill Simmons?

  He's buying boots from the eBay store.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  I don't even remember him.

• 19:09Speaker 02

  He's buying bedazzled boots.

• 19:11Bill Simmons?

  He probably wants to kill himself when he sees the video. He's just like, he, he's like, just like, so he's like 400 pounds and he looks like he's 10.

• 19:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:20Bill Simmons?

  But like he populated, Rogan's in that movie, Paul Rudd's in that movie, Correll's in that movie. Like you think of, we just had a lot of characters back then.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  And that's, I mean, I'm doing this off the top and I'm, this is not my realm, like it is yours, but that's like the Correll. All right, this is my shot to.

• 19:37Bill Simmons?

  He got it from Anchorman. Yeah, they saw him as Brick Tannen.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  It's similar of like, all right, like this is kind of a strange movie. You're gonna play a 40 year old virgin who's a weirdo and has dolls at his house and like, it gets his chest hair shaved off. Like another movie that really shouldn't have worked as well as it did.

• 19:54Bill Simmons?

  He's another example, though. He toyed away forever.

• 19:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:58Bill Simmons?

  And was in sketch comedy, all kinds of stuff. Colbert was another one that was put in a lot of time.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Another, another commonality between Carrie and Correll and some of the other people you just mentioned. Sneaky handsome. Like there's, there's like, there's like a leading man, like handsomeness hidden under the goof. Like Steve Carell is just like, straight up like hot dude now, like a hot old guy now. Jim Carrey was like sneaky handsome.

• 20:22Bill Simmons?

  Watching this, and they're like, fuck yeah. Thank you. The basketball guy loves me.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  Somewhere in the middle of The Office, everyone around Steve Carell, like season three of The Office, everyone around that show and Steve Carell made a collective decision. We're glamming you up a little bit.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Well, Correll got his hair done.

• 20:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's something that happened, right?

• 20:40Speaker 02

  Season one, he's thinning. Season two.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, something happened. I didn't want to just say it so baldly like that, no pun intended, but some, something happened. He got fitter. So it was a clear, like, you're becoming a real star now.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:50Bill Simmons?

  I gotta talk about 94, which is in the running for best movie year of the last 40 quickly.

• 20:59Bill Simmons?

  And people remember from the Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  I'm still mad about.

• 21:03Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, so people remember the Oscars for it. There's a whole bunch of Apex breakout, crazy stuff. I'm just gonna run through this quickly. Pulp Fiction, Tarantino breakout, Sam Jackson, Triberto. Forrest Gump, Hank's Apex. Shawshank becomes Shawshank, but also Morgan Freeman is now here, does seven the next year. True Lies, Schwarzenegger's comeback. Lion King, probably the, felt like the biggest original Disney movie that they made. Like, it was just perfectly marketed, it had the Elton John song, it was a monster. Just like, it was kinda Disney where you're like, oh, this is peak of their powers.

• 21:42Bill Simmons?

  Uh, Speed. Not only the Keanu Reeves breakout, but they pushed up the, uh, summer movie schedule for it. They said, fuck it, let's start it in May, and it completely reinvented that.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  Fantastic theater experience.

• 21:54Bill Simmons?

  Great.

• 21:54Speaker 01

  And as my wife knows, it, it's still not over for me and Sandra Bullock all these years later.

• 21:59Bill Simmons?

  Well, I'm glad, I'm glad you, see, that's how I have Tiffany Amber Thiessen with my wife. It's just like, look, man, I met her before I knew you, and it's just fine.

• 22:10Bill Simmons?

  Disclosure. Michael Douglas, First to Be More, we did that movie. But that was like two big movie stars pitted against each other with a very important topic. Santa Claus, the Tim Allen apex.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Love it. Saw, saw it just recently, cause my daughter's going through all the classic holiday movies.

• 22:26Bill Simmons?

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:26Speaker 01

  I watch it every year.

• 22:27Bill Simmons?

  It'll be on the rewatchables at some point. Clear and Present Danger, just a Harrison Ford movie in his prime. Interview of the Vampire, Cruisin' Pit Together. Legends of the Fall, a second Pitt movie. Hoop Dreams, best sports movie doc ever.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 22:39Bill Simmons?

  Quiz Show, Redford did that one.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Theater.

• 22:42Bill Simmons?

  Uh, Reality Bites, the peak of Gen X and Ethan Hawke. Four Weddings and a Funeral, Hugh Grant's breakout. Blue Chips and Above the Rim. Maybe the best basketball movie combo year we've had, those two. And then we also had Little Big League, Mighty Ducks 2, and Angels in the Outfield. For kids movies. And there's a bunch more stuff, but it's just like, I look at 94 and I'm just like, we kinda had it all going. I don't know how we get back. We didn't know. And Jim Carrey busting out and having the year of Jim Carrey.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  How's Mighty Ducks 2? Cause I not, I, we, I just saw Mighty Ducks for the first time in my life. Last weekend, we had a family movie night. My daughter loves kids' sports movies and Mighty Ducks, like, didn't know, didn't know Joshua Jackson was involved at all. Turns out he's heavily involved. I enjoyed it.

• 23:31Bill Simmons?

  Mighty Ducks are great movies. I haven't seen them in a while, one and two, maybe even three. Well, there's, there's, we haven't done either of these yet. There's a camp. D2? The D2 is the one.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  I'm excited for.

• 23:43Bill Simmons?

  It's like Terminator 1 versus Terminator 2 kinda thing.

• 23:45Speaker 01

  I'm Terminator 1, I'm team 1.

• 23:47Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, some people are like, T2 is one of the greatest, that's where we go. Ace Ventura. Um, the cinematographer said, the stuff he was doing was so over the top. I truly thought this was gonna be the biggest piece of shit ever.

• 24:02Bill Simmons?

  He added a shitload of improv stuff, including the ass talking scene, which is in the running for funniest single scenes he's ever done. Apparently happened in Living Color because Kenan Ivory, Kenan Ivory Wayans kept rejecting his sketches. So finally, one day, he got up and pitched a sketch with his ass. And Kenan Ivory Wayans got pissed and they almost had a fistfight. This is an actual story.

• 24:28Bill Simmons?

  And then Carrie said on Inside the Actor's Studio, that he based Ace Ventura on a smart bird. He thought about him, how he would move like an actual animal. And the clothing he picked, the walk was bird-like. Yeah, he's kinda dressed like a pirate and I don't really know why. His hairstyle was like a parrot, a parrot. Yeah. And that was kinda what he was going for. You just have to be insane.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:53Bill Simmons?

  To even like come up with all that stuff, you just have to have a screw loose in a good way.

• 24:57Speaker 02

  It really sounded like they knew this could be a piece of shit. And they were like, we don't care. This is our humor. We're going for it.

• 25:02Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 25:03Speaker 02

  Cause the director as well, who was like a young joke writer, they both went in being like, this could completely ruin our careers. And their goal was to make something that was so over the top and potentially unappealing to some people. Which is insane now. Like now you have to make something that's broad enough for everybody, them going in saying, eh, half the audience might fucking hate this. It's just crazy.

• 25:24Bill Simmons?

  Maybe we should do that. You create a character that's hard into advanced metrics for breaking down basketball. And you're just doing voices and crazy shit. Work on this.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  I'll, I'll, I'll work on it. Yeah.

• 25:34Bill Simmons?

  Write down some notes.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  When I was reading all these things, we read a lot of the same stuff. It sounds like, I, I did have a moment where I was like, I wonder what like day 21 on set is, if, if there's a contingent of the people in the crew and the cast were just like,

• 25:48Bill Simmons?

  This fucking guy.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  This is just really going to places where I didn't expect.

• 25:51Speaker 02

  He's in the 2-2 in reverse and they're like, I don't know about this.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Should I get out of this? Like, is it too late for me to get out of this now?

• 25:58Bill Simmons?

  Well, it seems like there's only a couple comedy actors ever. That if you just let them loose and let them explore the studio space, they were going to explore every, like Robin Williams, I think was like this too.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:09Bill Simmons?

  They're like, hey, we wrote this scene where can you just, like Dead Poet said, can you just add live in front of the class for a couple of minutes? He's like, great.

• 26:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:17Bill Simmons?

  And is just doing it for two hours.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  You got it. I think there was a sense even on set that they, this was like, we're watching a freak. Like we, this is, it's like, Wemba Yama, I don't know what I'm watching, but there's nobody who can replicate this.

• 26:27Bill Simmons?

  Well, the weird thing about him is, women definitely dig him and duck him and like he ends up dating Lauren Holly, who's the, who's,

• 26:37Speaker 02

  He married her.

• 26:38Bill Simmons?

  And dumber and they end up together. But then Courtney Cox, there was like, she was on Stern four years ago. And he was like, what'd you think of Jim Carrey? Like thinking she'd be like, oh, he was so fucking annoying. And he, and she was like, I kinda had a crush on him back then. I really kinda dug him.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  One of my, it wasn't gonna be a nitpick. It was gonna be a probably unanswerable question was like, how did she pretend her character to be into this psychopath? Basically, and there are so many scenes where he's doing his weird thing and she's looking at him with her.

• 27:07Bill Simmons?

  Batting the blue eyes.

• 27:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, batting the blue eyes. And you're like, there's no way this woman would be into him. And then you find out that on set, she was falling for him while he was doing this character. So you're like, all right, I guess it is real.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  You guys might not like some of the choices I've made for our categories later, but.

• 27:20Bill Simmons?

  I can't wait. I mean, she did marry David Arquette. She might have just like goofball guys.

• 27:26Speaker 02

  If we say one slanderous word against Courtney Cox, I'll storm out of this set.

• 27:31Bill Simmons?

  I'm ready to do it right now. Not say slanderous stuff. Another one I had stock in, Zach. Courtney Cox. Let me take you back to 1984.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  We're just doing, we're, we're just going down the whole path now. Okay.

• 27:48Bill Simmons?

  She's just in the Dancing in the Dark video of Springsteen?

• 27:51Speaker 02

  Didn't know that.

• 27:52Speaker 01

  Wow, see, look at that. Landmark, landmark, it's a landmark thing.

• 27:57Speaker 02

  Didn't know that.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  For, for men of a certain age.

• 27:59Bill Simmons?

  You didn't know that?

• 27:59Speaker 02

  No.

• 28:00Bill Simmons?

  Springsteen, who's like, it come from down in the valley. He's doing all those songs. Comes out in Born in the USA and the first song is Dancing in the Dark. It's just a pop song. And the video is him on, him onstage and he's doing this weird dance. And it's just like, I don't even know how to, it would be like if Patrick Mahomes just completely changed his look one day. And he was just a completely different person.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Had a deep voice all of a sudden?

• 28:28Bill Simmons?

  And he was just like dressed like a motorcyclist or something. And you were like, what's going on with Patrick Mahomes? Why is he in all leather? Bruce comes out, he's like trying to be a pop star. And he, and there's this girl dancing in the video and you keep seeing her. And then he points to her and he goes, hey, baby. And brings her on the stage and they dance. And it became a phenomenon. Who is this girl? And it was Courtney Cox, which leads to her being on Family Ties in an 18-episode run as Alex P. Keaton's girlfriend, played by Michael J. Fox. Every guy my age was in love with her. So I'm not taking credit. It was everybody. She toyed away for. Six years, like, just in bad movies. It never happened for her. And then it finally happened.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Boy, did it happen.

• 29:15Bill Simmons?

  Here's what happens. Ace Ventura, she's in Seinfeld during the breakout, the real breakout, like Seinfeld becoming, replacing.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  Dry, dry cleaner girlfriend.

• 29:25Bill Simmons?

  She's the Jerry's girlfriend, who pretends they're married so she can get the dry cleaning discount. He has to break up with her.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  You could spend an hour talking about people who have cameoed in Seinfeld.

• 29:34Bill Simmons?

  She probably is the most important one, and here's why. They're making Friends.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:41Bill Simmons?

  They're like, this Courtney Cox, who was in Ace Ventura, and who was in that Seinfeld episode, maybe we build friends around her. And they make friends, and it's like a vehicle for her, basically. Then it becomes Friends. So this movie paves the way to Friends.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  She has never looked better, and ushered me into adulthood in this film.

• 29:59Bill Simmons?

  I said to my son Ben, I was like, I don't know if it gets better. I think we might have peaked.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  Also, I think Jennifer Aniston.

• 30:07Bill Simmons?

  The cutest of, of the possible, you could never have put a cuter actress into a movie.

• 30:12Speaker 02

  I think Jennifer Aniston almost overshadowed her. Not, maybe not market corrected her, but Jennifer Aniston and her being in Friends, you almost like couldn't focus on both. And Aniston maybe won out, but when you, Courtney Cox in this movie, we always joke, I'm a Warriors fan, and we say like, the only player who could get hotter than Steph was Clay. I actually think Courtney Cox, in the right moment, can put up 37 and a quarter, and that's what she does in this movie.

• 30:34Bill Simmons?

  So you think she's Clay? This is interesting. I'm so glad Zach's here for this.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  Like, she's the only one where I'm like, you know what, there are moments, it is her over Jennifer Aniston. She, in this movie, 37 in, in the third quarter.

• 30:46Bill Simmons?

  So, this is such a great topic, because when Aniston's on Friends, she becomes the breakout star of Friends, and every guy is in love with her, including me.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  And, and me too. I mean, they're both the most beautiful women in the world.

• 30:58Bill Simmons?

  I think I was exactly the same age. What, the Aniston piece was like, you, everybody in America, no matter where you lived and how much money you made, you're like, I feel like. I could talk myself into like getting a date with her if I just met her.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:11Bill Simmons?

  She was like very accessible.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  This never crossed my mind for one second. You thought Jennifer Aniston was accessible?

• 31:17Bill Simmons?

  I think I thought she was accessible hot.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Like if you ran into Jennifer.

• 31:21Bill Simmons?

  Like I was like, she would like my friends. She was like one of those.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  I think it's because she's on a.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  None of this ever crossed my mind.

• 31:26Bill Simmons?

  Courtney Cox was not accessible. She was just like, I wouldn't be able to talk.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  I also think the nature of being on a TV show versus being a movie star made that person feel more attainable. Like, oh, I watch her every week. She's in an apartment.

• 31:37Bill Simmons?

  She would love us.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:39Bill Simmons?

  She would love to watch me play video games.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  She would not have loved any of this.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  She's looking for a job.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  She would have walked out quickly.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  She's been rossed.

• 31:46Bill Simmons?

  I'm barely employed.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  I'm as good as Ross.

• 31:49Bill Simmons?

  You're just calling your shot, your heat checks.

• 31:51Speaker 02

  I mean, it's MJ versus LeBron, Cox and Aniston in 94.

• 31:54Bill Simmons?

  I somehow have never thought about this before. What an incredible market correction that was.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Why are we pitting them against each other?

• 32:00Speaker 02

  No, I don't.

• 32:00Bill Simmons?

  Courtney Cox had a.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  They're friends.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  I want to lift them both up and champion both of them.

• 32:04Bill Simmons?

  That's like Clay and Steph.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  Who's Draymond?

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Lisa Kudrow?

• 32:11Bill Simmons?

  Lisa Kudrow.

• 32:12Speaker 01

  I was gonna go Matt LeBlanc. I don't know. Just like a little bit bigger, hits people, would hit people.

• 32:17Bill Simmons?

  Honestly, probably Matthew Perry, because it was a little bit more of a roller coaster ride with him. And that was, that's the Draymond experience.

• 32:22Speaker 02

  I, I, I don't mean to put Jennifer Aniston down in any way, because she is also one of the most beautiful women who's ever existed. But I just want to spend some time acknowledging Courtney Cox. That's all.

• 32:31Bill Simmons?

  I will say it is, if you had told me in.

• 32:33Speaker 02

  Zach doesn't agree.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  No, I just have a totally different take on the movie, I guess, but go ahead.

• 32:37Bill Simmons?

  Well, I was gonna say, if you told me in spring of 94, Courtney Cox is gonna be on a show with six people, and a year from now, somebody else on that show that's not Courtney Cox will be the sex symbol that everybody's cutting their hair to look like, I would have been like, that's impossible. There's gonna be another person, but it's not gonna be Courtney Cox? Zach doesn't agree.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  I'm just gonna say my, I'm just gonna say, we'll do it later.

• 33:01Bill Simmons?

  All right, save your take.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  We'll do it later.

• 33:02Bill Simmons?

  Anyway, this is a very important Courtney Cox movie.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  Iconic.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  Is there such a thing as a very important Courtney Cox movie?

• 33:09Bill Simmons?

  She tore it away.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  Very important. It's not a Scorsese movie.

• 33:12Bill Simmons?

  You didn't see The Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them in the theater in 1992.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  Zach.

• 33:16Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, I fucking went to support Courtney Cox.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  I don't even know what that is.

• 33:20Bill Simmons?

  She was, it was set in Boston.

• 33:21Speaker 02

  Zach, you said you were 15 when you saw this movie?

• 33:23Speaker 01

  Ace Ventura is 94, so 16.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  And Courtney Cox didn't, didn't do anything.

• 33:28Bill Simmons?

  I mean, look.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  I'm not saying she didn't do anything. I'm just saying I have a different take on the movie.

• 33:34Bill Simmons?

  We're learning Zach has a type. Sean Young, Last Hurrah, very controversial rewatchable's character.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:41Bill Simmons?

  Cause we did No Way Out with Kevin Costner. Chris Ryan and I loved Sean Young in that movie and Craig's like eh, just kind of shrugged it off. That became a thing. This is her last hurrah after this. It's all over and she's not really in any movies. And a notoriously difficult Hollywood actor, shall we say. We'll get back to her later. Fifteen million dollar budget, made a hundred and seven million dollars. It sold 4.2 million home videos in its first three weeks.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 34:12Bill Simmons?

  That's a lot. So normally when Craig's producing, we still do the Horrill Beck Century Club, which was a new category this year. Craig, 86 minutes.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  I can't believe it's under 90.

• 34:24Bill Simmons?

  You're just delayed. 86 minutes. Craig thinks every movie should be 100 minutes.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:30Bill Simmons?

  So this is a plus 14 on the Horrill Beck scale.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  It's not a bad take.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  The Departed can be long. That's okay. But in general.

• 34:36Speaker 01

  Departed is too long.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  For rare exceptions, every movie should be under two hours and it should be around 100 minutes. 80, 86 minutes this movie is? And it doesn't feel like it's too short or, I mean, I feel like everything you want is in there. They develop the plot. I feel like we should say, this movie's plot and premise is way too good than it needs to be. The idea of a.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  That's a good, that's a good point.

• 34:58Bill Simmons?

  So I had this on what's the best. I thought, I think the plot's like, kind of amazing.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  It's fantastic. A disgraced kicker who, who, who goes back home and, and plots his revenge to kill the head, the quarterback who held the ball wrong is a fantastic plot.

• 35:13Bill Simmons?

  Well, but you have that, but then you also have like Pet Detective is also a great idea. This movie has two great ideas.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Pet Detective is an insane idea.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  But then like-

• 35:24Bill Simmons?

  But a funny idea for a movie.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  You're right, the plot is a little twistier than it has any right to be like, oh, that thread connects to that thread. Like, what's going on here? Why am I thinking about this movie?

• 35:33Speaker 02

  You totally think it's the rich guy, which he has nothing to do with it.

• 35:36Bill Simmons?

  Right, he's a red herring.

• 35:37Speaker 02

  The Finkel Einhorn twist, for however problematic it is, is a crazy twist for a comedy. There's not a lot of twists in comedies, genuinely didn't see that coming. And the idea of I'm gonna spend the next eight years of my life plotting to kidnap and murder Dan Marino is an incredible plot.

• 35:53Bill Simmons?

  What basketball person would Ray Finkel it? Is there somebody who'd blame somebody else? Like, this would be like J R Smith?

• 35:59Speaker 01

  I was about to say-

• 36:00Bill Simmons?

  Being mad at LeBron for being blamed for the tie-up game?

• 36:03Speaker 01

  LeBron would blame J R Smith for botching the end of game one of the 2018 finals.

• 36:08Bill Simmons?

  J R Smith would be the Ray Finkel, though. He would have to blame LeBron for-

• 36:12Speaker 02

  You need a, like a bench player-

• 36:13Speaker 01

  It needs to be a star, starter.

• 36:14Bill Simmons?

  LeBron actually told him to call timeout and then pretended he didn't. It would have to be, that would be the plot.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  I'm gonna be distracted for this podcast.

• 36:22Bill Simmons?

  I shouldn't have known-

• 36:22Speaker 02

  Maybe it's like Draymond trying to kill the ref who gave him that technical in 2016.

• 36:27Bill Simmons?

  Jordan Poole.

• 36:29Speaker 02

  And Dray-

• 36:31Bill Simmons?

  Jordan Poole ruined my, Draymond ruined my career and he punched me. Now I'm gonna get revenge on Draymond. Ace Ventura 3.

• 36:38Speaker 02

  Pool Detective.

• 36:39Bill Simmons?

  Pool Detective, disgruntled teammate detective. Roger Ebert. To the surprise of nobody. One star. How many one-star movies have we done? Four?

• 36:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:52Bill Simmons?

  It's such a rarity for us. He said, "This movie basically has one joke, which is Ace Ventura's weirdy, nerdy strangeness. If you laugh at this joke, I can sympathize with you, even if I can't understand you. I found the movie a long, unfunny slog through an impenetrable plot." Inpenetrable plot. Kids might like it.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  That's almost a compliment.

• 37:13Bill Simmons?

  Kids might like it, was his compliment.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  I'll keep going. Carrie plays Ace as if he's being clocked on an energy-o-meter and paid by the calories expended. He's a hypergoon who likes to screw his mouth into strange shapes while playing variations on the language. You know what? That's all correct.

• 37:29Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 37:30Speaker 02

  And Roger Ebert was 52 when this movie came out. It's not for you.

• 37:33Speaker 01

  My dad would have not let it be on for one minute.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  Would have been like, he's talking to his butt, you're smarter than this, get this nonsense off the idiot box. That's almost exactly what it said.

• 37:42Bill Simmons?

  I'm older than 52 and when he- Puts the, when he's at the mansion and he puts the food and he started doing this with the food, I laughed my ass off. Yeah, but you probably saw it when you were 20. I know, but it's still funny.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  So this is my general-

• 37:54Bill Simmons?

  It's still visceral funny reaction.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  This is my general take on the movie and I just want to get it out now.

• 37:58Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  So you mentioning that scene where he makes the face at the guy who's not looking, right?

• 38:01Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  He's just, it's a completely throwaway moment in the film.

• 38:04Bill Simmons?

  I laugh out loud every time.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  There's no, I think generally, the small jokes in this movie are way funnier than the big jokes.

• 38:12Bill Simmons?

  Couldn't agree more.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  I think, I think the big jokes are largely not that great and I'll hit some of them later. It's those kind of moments.

• 38:19Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 01

  And those kind of facial expressions and, and smug expressions that I think make the whole movie. I think they're the best part of the movie.

• 38:26Bill Simmons?

  I agree. We're gonna take a break and then we're gonna do most rewatchable scene. This episode is brought to you by Searchlight Pictures Wild Horse 9. John Malkovich and Sam Rockwell, I like those guys, star in the sharp-witted comedy thriller from Academy Award winner Martin McDonagh, writer-director of The Banshees of Inisherin and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, set in the 1970s, filmed on location on Easter Island. Malkovich and Rockwell play CIA agents Chris and Lee, who are caught in a dangerous game of secrets and survival. Also starring Steve Buscemi, another one of my guys, Parker Posey and Tom Waits. Wild Horse 9 is being hailed by critics as a revitalizing shot of pure entertainment

• 39:09Bill Simmons?

  and easily one of the best films of the year. Don't miss Wild Horse 9, only in theaters November 6th. Get tickets now.

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• 40:02Bill Simmons?

  All right, most rewatchable scene, opening credits with the box when he steals Tex Cobb's dog. Tex Cobb was a pretty, pretty well-known boxer in the 70s and 80s for heavyweight division. Famously got the shit kicked out of him by Larry Holmes on ABC and Howard Cosell was so upset by how one side of the fight was, he vowed never to do boxing again and was killing the fight as it was happening. That's how Tex Cobb was known. Then he went into movies.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  Wow. And apparently the black eyes are real.

• 40:32Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, he got in a fight. It's alive. I think that scene's funny. Next scene, Ace's pets come out of hiding, which I think is a great shot Gordo candidate. Here are the pets. Raccoon, iguana, penguins, an otter.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  You can't list them all off, there are too many.

• 40:53Bill Simmons?

  Skunk, monkey, squirrel, basset hound, parrots, and a cat.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  The raccoon comes out of the toilet.

• 40:57Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 40:58Speaker 02

  And the penguins come out of the fridge, which I liked.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  So, I didn't do this much half-assed research, maybe one of you did. Is that monkey, the little monkey, is it Ross's monkey from Friends? Is it the same actor monkey?

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  There can't be that, that kind of monkey has a name that I'm blanking on, but.

• 41:14Bill Simmons?

  Marcel.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  From the show, yeah.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's gotta be the same monkey. How many of these monkeys can there be floating around Hollywood?

• 41:19Bill Simmons?

  Or maybe there's a million monkeys and Marcel just got a, got tabbed. There were other people that could have had the shot.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Happens in Hollywood all the time.

• 41:27Bill Simmons?

  My son really, really marveled at this scene and it was a how did they do this scene for him. Cause there's no CGI.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  No.

• 41:35Bill Simmons?

  He's like, how do they get all these animals to coexist together?

• 41:38Speaker 01

  That's a great question.

• 41:40Bill Simmons?

  I actually thought this scene could have gone longer.

• 41:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, even the.

• 41:42Bill Simmons?

  I could have watched him feed the animals. I just had more questions. I love pets.

• 41:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, and they all hide like the toys in Toy Story when he jingles the keys.

• 41:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a great, it's a great moment.

• 41:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:51Bill Simmons?

  Honestly, we're like two, two apartment scenes short with the pets. I could have, run it back.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  Apparently the sex scene when all the animals are around as well. Apparently Carrie said that they are all like tied to the ground, so they can't move.

• 42:06Bill Simmons?

  Oh.

• 42:07Speaker 02

  He, he said they were trained to do that.

• 42:09Bill Simmons?

  I wonder if Peter was on the set going.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Say that, is that problematic? I don't know.

• 42:13Speaker 02

  You tie your dog to a pole when you, you know.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  See, I think the sex scene, not good enough. I think it should have been funnier. Uh, the highlight of the sex scene is the bird, is the bird that's bouncing up and down, mimicking the movements.

• 42:25Bill Simmons?

  I think they were very scared to veer toward the R range.

• 42:29Speaker 01

  I just feel like for a guy who has this level of physical comedy and inanity and insanity to him. The sex scene should have been like bonkers.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  More animalistic.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  Just, I don't even know what, just like crazier.

• 42:40Bill Simmons?

  That's actually what Roger Ebert wrote in his review. He's like, that sex scene should have been bonkers. Um, next scene, Ace checks out the empty dolphin pool and does Star Trek impressions. I think you have to be over 45 to get even, like, did you even get those jokes? Yeah.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  So that's the correct answer to this question. That's the best scene in a movie.

• 43:02Bill Simmons?

  That's your most rewatchable?

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Should I go on? Yes.

• 43:05Bill Simmons?

  Keep going.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Uh, I will say that he gets into the tank and he says to Courtney Cox, if I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer. That is one of the most perfectly written jokes in the history of jokes. The first time I heard it, I think that one joke, single-handedly changed my sense of humor.

• 43:26Bill Simmons?

  Oh, wow.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Just the zigzag construction of the joke and the, the kind of meanness underlying it almost. I think changed me in that moment. The Star, the Star Trek impression is perfect because it's just like Shatner, but.

• 43:41Bill Simmons?

  Multiple characters.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  But like 20% more Shatner-y and, and I, and then we talked about this offline. The, the scene, the part of that scene where he pretends to be the dolphin's German trainer.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  Which.

• 43:56Speaker 01

  Which is not in the movie anymore. It's a crime that that's not in because every single line of it.

• 44:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I believe the original theatrical cut, when I saw it as a kid, had that scene. So I knew that scene. I don't know why it's not on Netflix now.

• 44:09Bill Simmons?

  So.

• 44:10Speaker 01

  Does he know you? Does he call you at home? Do you have a torso fin? And I'm up on the table, yee, yee. It's just like absolutely pitch perfect the entire way through.

• 44:21Bill Simmons?

  So we were talking, cause he was asking me why that wasn't in there. We were talking offline. And I was saying how, when these movies were on TNT, Comedy Central, wherever, they would have to pad the movie. To get it to two hours, so this is eighty six minutes.

• 44:35Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 44:35Bill Simmons?

  So if it's a two hour slot on Comedy Central.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  Okay, added it.

• 44:38Bill Simmons?

  They have to have thirty four minutes of commercials. They didn't want to do that. So they put in deleted scenes and they would pad the movies. So you would see, saw these movies on cable. There'd be these extra scenes and then you buy it on DVD or whatever. And you're like, where's the scene that I like? And it's just not there.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  So if you include that.

• 44:54Bill Simmons?

  Horror movies had this too.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  If you include that part, German trainer Hans something or other. And you can quote him.

• 45:01Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  That whole scene is Nirvana. That's Nirvana.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  And even for somebody like, whatever I was eleven years old, no idea what they were talking about. The voices are still funny. Him going, I just can't do it, Captain. It just, it still played for an eleven year old.

• 45:16Bill Simmons?

  Next one, Ace gets heckled at the police station. Excuse me, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

• 45:24Bill Simmons?

  So I did that. I freely admit I used to do this to my kids, basically, stand like when they were younger. When, because they thought this was hilarious.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:32Bill Simmons?

  And it was just a running joke in our family. It still makes me laugh. I'm not proud of it.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  Assholio, sodomya.

• 45:39Bill Simmons?

  Do you have a minute?

• 45:40Speaker 01

  I see, I saw.

• 45:41Speaker 02

  Sodomya.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  I didn't, I don't think sixteen year old me registered those jokes at the time. It was nice to hear, it was nice to hear them again.

• 45:49Bill Simmons?

  It has a good throwaway line too at the end when she's like, blah, blah, blah, Sean Young said, blah, blah, blah, there's gonna be hell to pay. And he's like, I'm not ready for a relationship yet or whatever, like.

• 45:59Speaker 01

  Good, that's a good line.

• 45:59Bill Simmons?

  He snuck, snuck it, that one in the end, but I love that whole scene. Uh, the mansion party date. I love a nice big, rich mansion with a bad guy in a comedy, like you never go wrong. Uh, mention the food thing. I think that's the big Gahuna burger award for best use of food or drink.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  I have a different one.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  The crab cake or whatever that is?

• 46:17Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, or if you have another one, what's your, what's your other one?

• 46:19Speaker 01

  Uh, when he's eating, what are they sesame seeds in the ashtray and spitting them on.

• 46:24Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  He said, do you want a cigarette? I don't smoke. It's disgusting habit.

• 46:27Bill Simmons?

  This has the Mission Impossible riff, which I.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 46:31Bill Simmons?

  By the way, was a, going out of favor in the mid nineties because the show is from the sixties. So it was like tail end. And then Cruz brought it back. And now it's, now it's timeless again.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, him scaling the fence even though.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  You don't realize right away that it's gonna be as absurd as it is, that he doesn't need to do any of those acrobatic things. And he's just doing it because he thinks it's fun.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. You get the, you get the, the snowflake gag where it turns out to be the shark.

• 47:00Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 47:00Speaker 02

  It's not snowflake.

• 47:01Bill Simmons?

  Yeah. The Ring ID montage, when he's looking up with line up by Aerosmith, which I think wins the Kid Cudi Pursuit of Happyness Award, right?

• 47:10Speaker 02

  I was gonna give that or Mission Impossible.

• 47:12Bill Simmons?

  Okay.

• 47:15Bill Simmons?

  The sex scene with all the animals watching.

• 47:18Bill Simmons?

  The director said that was one of the most disturbing scenes he's ever filmed. By the way, the director was, I had that in my notes, Tom Shadyak, who also co-wrote the screenplay. He did Ace Ventura, The Nutty Professor, Lara Lara, Patch Adams, Bruce Almighty.

• 47:34Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 47:34Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 02

  Jim Carrey's guy. Also, apparently Courtney Cox terrified of animals. And it was a mess on set and she was petrified the whole time.

• 47:42Bill Simmons?

  That's bad casting. You gotta, that's one of those where like the actor lies like, you ever played hockey before? Yeah, I've been skating my whole life. And then they get on set and they don't know how to skate.

• 47:52Speaker 02

  There was a scene where she interacted with the monkey and they said she was shaking so bad they had to cut it.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Ironically, potentially the same monkey that was on Friends.

• 48:01Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, name is Marcel.

• 48:04Bill Simmons?

  The screenwriter, Jack Bernstein, actually came up with the pet detective idea after he watched a David Letterman sketch about pet owners. So Letterman tentacles here again.

• 48:13Bill Simmons?

  Two more rewatchable scenes. Visit to Ray Finkle's house.

• 48:18Speaker 01

  Which.

• 48:20Bill Simmons?

  It's fun, but when the mother goes,

• 48:24Bill Simmons?

  Dan Marino, she died, I've got to read her right now.

• 48:29Speaker 01

  She might come up in Best Hang, Worst Hang.

• 48:32Bill Simmons?

  Would you give that to Billy, Billy Bat's Jack Waltz a word for most biting and scalable?

• 48:36Speaker 02

  She might win like six categories.

• 48:40Bill Simmons?

  Ace gets into Shady Acres just for the slow motion run and then the, uh, the football in the back.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  So you know what makes the slow motion thing? Is that he not only does it backwards.

• 48:52Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  But that he talks backwards and it's just nonsense gibberish. And you're like, what is he doing? It's like, oh, he's mimicking what he would sound like if your words came out backwards.

• 49:02Speaker 02

  That's why even if you don't find this joke funny or that joke funny, it's just impressive.

• 49:06Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 49:07Speaker 02

  Watching him do what he does. That's so hard to do, to make yourself sound like you're speaking backwards. It's incredible.

• 49:12Bill Simmons?

  And I think the fight scene is really funny with him and Sean Young. It's just like, those fight scenes usually are bad in comedies. That one's actually good and it's like, it's funny that it has some twists and turns. Any other rewatchable scenes you have?

• 49:24Speaker 01

  The fight scene with the eagle at the end is also, uh,

• 49:27Bill Simmons?

  The mascot.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  Very good, the eagle mascot.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  One I'll add is the, the crime scene at the apartment after the guy allegedly commits suicide. The sliding glass door.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  My wife does that in, in life randomly when applicable. She will do that.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  I've been doing that since I was 12 years old.

• 49:42Bill Simmons?

  All right. So what's your most rewatchable?

• 49:44Speaker 02

  I think it's the fancy party, Rob, Ronald Camp's party for me. Uh, congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific.

• 49:52Bill Simmons?

  Ronald Camp played by Udo Kier, who was like just this very serious German actor they decided to cast.

• 49:59Speaker 02

  Him coming out of the bathroom, do not go in there.

• 50:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, so the, how the throwaway moments make the film for me. That, that whole scene is my second favorite scene, behind the pool, tank scene, whatever. When this, at the start of the Mission Impossible bathroom, when he's in the bathroom, the music hits and he's like, he doesn't just walk, he's like, does this weird like almost thriller like zombie walk?

• 50:22Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  What is happening? Why is he doing this? And when he gets to the party.

• 50:26Speaker 02

  That's the funniest scene in the movie to me.

• 50:27Speaker 01

  That dance?

• 50:28Speaker 02

  Well, no, when they get to the party and she's like, don't embarrass me. He's like, like what? He's like, ooh.

• 50:34Speaker 01

  He's like, is he trying to be a pterodactyl? Like what is this? And then, but his throwaway joke is when they meet Ron Camp and he's like, she, he says to Courtney Cox, aren't you going to introduce me to your date? And she's like, oh, you know, he's, I, this is my lawyer. And Ron Camp thinks he's being clever. He's like, oh, should, does he have an name or should I just call a lawyer? And Jim Carrey's like, ooh. And it's, there's like an underlying meanness and smugness to that facial expression. It is just brilliant. Those are the moments that make the movie for me.

• 51:03Bill Simmons?

  I think he's the best walker ever in movies for like being able to pull out funny, crazy, different types of walks.

• 51:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's human gummy.

• 51:11Bill Simmons?

  Cause even when he comes into the police office for the first time, and he's doing that walk as he walks through, like he just, his control of his own body. I don't, I can't think of anybody else like this.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  So I had forgotten about the scene right outside the door.

• 51:24Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  And, and.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  Laughing out loud on the plane.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  I was dying, like dying.

• 51:28Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, have we ever seen Carrie play sports? Cause he seems quite coordinated. Has he never done a sports movie?

• 51:35Speaker 01

  He must know how to skate. He's Canadian. He's gotta be a hockey player.

• 51:38Speaker 02

  I wonder.

• 51:39Bill Simmons?

  It's a recurring thing with some of the better comedians, like they're really good athletes. Like Belushi was like a great athlete.

• 51:46Speaker 02

  Is Chris Farley a good athlete?

• 51:47Bill Simmons?

  Chris Farley was an awesome athlete. Like these guys, they can do physical comedy partly because they're just athletic.

• 51:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:55Bill Simmons?

  My most rewatchable scene is him at the police station, that whole start to finish when he's getting heckled. He does the ask you a question just all the way through. I just like that the most. What's the most 1994 thing about this movie? What do you have?

• 52:08Speaker 01

  Isotoner gloves.

• 52:10Bill Simmons?

  Had that down as well.

• 52:11Speaker 02

  I wrote down Dan Marino doing a commercial for Isotoner gloves.

• 52:15Bill Simmons?

  I had Dan Marino as the Dolphins QB. I had the band Cannibal Corpse.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Which I did not, I was not aware of them.

• 52:23Bill Simmons?

  I just feel like that probably not doing a lot in 2025. Captain Stubing as an ironic comedy reference. Now that's just sailing over people's heads. My number one thing though is the Dolphins having a chance to win the Super Bowl.

• 52:38Speaker 01

  Oh, I knew somebody was gonna go there.

• 52:40Bill Simmons?

  Yeah. That felt really 1994. It's been a while for them. What saves the best?

• 52:46Speaker 01

  Wait, do we know, does Isotoner still exist?

• 52:50Bill Simmons?

  Great question.

• 52:51Speaker 02

  I don't even know what that is.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  It was this, I mean.

• 52:53Bill Simmons?

  Did OJ kill Isotoner gloves?

• 52:57Bill Simmons?

  Or did he have a different type?

• 52:59Speaker 01

  I don't think he had Isotoner. I think he just slandered Isotoner. I don't know, maybe he did.

• 53:03Bill Simmons?

  It'd be funny if the next rewatchable side looked at the camera, I'm like, I'd like to apologize first, Isotoner gloves. OJ did not wear them.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  Correct me if I'm wrong, you would see them advertised on television, right? Like you could order Isotoner gloves.

• 53:14Bill Simmons?

  They were like the only gloves I'd ever heard of.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know how they became a thing, but they are a very 90s thing.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Unclear if they're still around.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  Take Google Gemini for what it is. According to Google Gemini, yes, evidence in the OJ Simpson trial indicated he owned and wore Aries Isotoner gloves. And that was in June 94.

• 53:32Bill Simmons?

  I'd like to not apologize for what I said.

• 53:34Speaker 01

  Then they must not be available. If they are available, I'm going, I'm going on Amazon Prime right after this and getting a pair of isotoner gloves.

• 53:41Bill Simmons?

  So what, explain them to me. Get the OJ, classic edition.

• 53:44Speaker 02

  So they were just, with his signature on them, they were just fashionable gloves?

• 53:49Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, it was just somebody trying to own the gloves market. They were like, check these out, isotoner, super comfortable. And I don't know, everybody gave up on the glove market. Uh, what's aged the best? What do you have?

• 53:59Speaker 02

  Uh, what's aged the best? Courtney Cox?

• 54:04Bill Simmons?

  I had Courtney Cox as well.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I would say giving people chances. Jim Carrey being this guy on In Living Color and just deciding to allow him to have a movie where he cooks for 90 minutes, obviously aged incredibly well. And we saw it afterwards with Adam Sandler and, and Mike Myers and stuff like that. This kind of paved the way for just kind of letting somebody, letting an executive just be like, you know what? This guy's kind of funny. I see something in him. I'm just gonna let him go.

• 54:29Bill Simmons?

  Right. Here's a budget.

• 54:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:31Bill Simmons?

  Come up with an 86 minute movie for us. What do you have?

• 54:34Speaker 01

  I just think it's the entire Jim Carrey experience. I mean, I don't have a great answer for this one. I just think he's, his career has gone up and down, obviously, but like, I think his performance in this movie, this is my favorite Jim Carrey movie, still. And I think this performance is like the perfect distillation of how crazy he is.

• 54:52Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 54:52Speaker 01

  As a comic superstar.

• 54:54Bill Simmons?

  I have, we mentioned earlier, what a great double idea this was for a movie. These two separate things are actually like pretty smart for a dumb comedy. Laces Out makes me laugh. It's just aged the best in general when they, every day they talk about laces in a football.

• 55:09Speaker 01

  It's a great call.

• 55:10Bill Simmons?

  Game, I always kind of just think about that.

• 55:14Bill Simmons?

  Comedies where the lead policeman or detective is just a horrible driver. It always works. I don't know why everyone does do it. It's just like, oh, look at this guy. Oh, he drove into the garbage can. Always gets me.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  When he does the parallel part, like a glove.

• 55:29Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:32Bill Simmons?

  1990s Miami and Miami movies and the 80s and 90s being set in Miami before it became like a cliche to put stuff there.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  They're on South Beach for like, I recognize some of the places they're running on South Beach. I'm like, it doesn't even look like South Beach enough. Like, it's not as glitzy.

• 55:50Bill Simmons?

  The Chess Rockwell and Brock Lander's Award for Best Character Name. I threw this in. I really enjoy Tom Ace.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  Tom Ace.

• 55:57Bill Simmons?

  It's Tom Ace.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:59Bill Simmons?

  Tom Ace. Hi, Tom Ace.

• 56:01Speaker 02

  Roger Podactor?

• 56:03Speaker 01

  I was gonna say.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Pretty good name.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  I have two candidates for this.

• 56:06Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  And one is Roger Podactor, which is also very close to Podcaster. But it, but it's also just, it's just a fun name to say.

• 56:14Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 56:14Speaker 01

  With the Podactor didn't get, didn't commit suicide. And then I just think, you know, Ray Finkle. How fun is that to say? Ray Finkle.

• 56:22Speaker 02

  Cross the board. Ace Ventura, great name.

• 56:24Bill Simmons?

  Good names.

• 56:26Bill Simmons?

  The Hans Gruber scale for villain ranking. Sean Young is the villain in this movie. I think we've gotta do the Hans Gruber scale anytime there's a villain.

• 56:34Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 56:35Bill Simmons?

  I have her down four out of 10.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  I mean, on the crazy scale, she might be like an eight.

• 56:41Bill Simmons?

  What do you have?

• 56:42Speaker 02

  Execution, not so much.

• 56:44Speaker 01

  Three and a half, four.

• 56:45Bill Simmons?

  Yeah. Oh, it's Zach's first ever flex category. So excited. Can't wait to see what he has here.

• 56:52Speaker 01

  Uh, I was going to go with, you guys aren't gonna like this. The Seth Rogen Katherine Heigl Award for Worst Chemistry.

• 57:03Bill Simmons?

  Okay, I'm ready for it.

• 57:05Speaker 01

  I just find the Melissa Robinson character pretty bland. Like, where's the spice? There's like, what does he see in her?

• 57:13Bill Simmons?

  What does he see in her?

• 57:14Speaker 01

  Other than her physical attractiveness. Does she say one funny thing in the whole movie?

• 57:18Bill Simmons?

  This was-

• 57:19Speaker 01

  Is she funny at all for one second?

• 57:21Speaker 02

  I feel like you almost can't be. She needs to absorb him.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  There's no banter. They have no banter. There's nothing. She's like a blank wall for him to throw jokes at. Except she's a pretty blank wall.

• 57:33Bill Simmons?

  So, I'm gonna defend this in honor of Courtney Cox.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  I'm not, I, I think she is, was, her comic ability is wasted in the movie.

• 57:43Bill Simmons?

  That's a fair point. I think the trope with these movies was the, the female who's usually hot.

• 57:51Bill Simmons?

  Was just kind of a straight man.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  I also think part of the joke is that he is so insane and she doesn't bat an eye and is like, I'm into him.

• 57:59Speaker 01

  She doesn't even realize what's happening throughout the whole movie.

• 58:02Bill Simmons?

  Basically like Happy Gilmore, it's the same thing.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Every movie it just cuts to later.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  She's got a little more spunk. She's, she's like Julie Bowen. Julie Bowen in that movie's got a little more spunk.

• 58:10Speaker 02

  I, I, I think it's intentional that every time it cuts to Courtney Cox, she's just like, oh Ace. Like, I, I think that's part of the humor. Also, does it make you feel any differently?

• 58:19Speaker 01

  It doesn't, it's not even clear to me when and why she decides, she goes from horrified by this person to now I'm in love with this person.

• 58:28Bill Simmons?

  That's because this isn't a good movie.

• 58:30Speaker 02

  No, no. I'll tell you what.

• 58:32Bill Simmons?

  Didn't really build that one up.

• 58:34Speaker 02

  In the condo, the suicide crime scene, when he figures that out, that's when she falls for him and you can see it in her eyes.

• 58:40Speaker 01

  You can see it in her eyes.

• 58:42Bill Simmons?

  See, I think for the, for the first hour, she's either like, this guy's either a serial killer or special needs. And I can't decide. It's one of these two.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  I think the character.

• 58:52Bill Simmons?

  Oh, maybe he's neither. He's just a savant.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  The character of Ace is the hardest to buy. When he first meets Melissa Robinson and she's describing to him the, the snowflake situation. He almost like can't interact with her. She's like, hi, nice to meet you. And he's like, hello, how are you? And she's like, did you, like, were you able to park? He's like, the, like, making a joke about getting a hand up his ass. Like, he actually can't have a human conversation with her. And he's eating the sunflower seeds. That strains credulity a little bit and it eases throughout the rest of the movie.

• 59:22Bill Simmons?

  You know, the only moment in this entire movie when he talks in a normal voice is when she gets the phone call that the guy died, Roger Predator.

• 59:31Speaker 01

  That's right. He goes back in the house.

• 59:33Bill Simmons?

  In the room is like.

• 59:34Speaker 01

  Melissa, I'm sorry.

• 59:35Bill Simmons?

  Melissa, I'm sorry. But he, it's, he's not doing Ace Ventura. It's the only time in the movie.

• 59:39Speaker 02

  And those moments are really good. In that same scene, I like, I don't know why this is in the movie, but they're chatting and he goes, what do you feed your dog? And she's like, dog food? And he's like, he's clearly unhappy. And it's kind of serious and I don't really know why it's there, but it's really good.

• 59:53Speaker 01

  That scene's coming up later for me.

• 59:56Bill Simmons?

  The Butch's Girlfriend Award for weak link of the film. I have a, I have a really hardcore one here.

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  A really what?

• 1:00:04Bill Simmons?

  Hardcore one.

• 1:00:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:00:07Bill Simmons?

  Nobody would wear their 1984 AFC Championship ring. Not one person.

• 1:00:12Speaker 01

  I thought we had.

• 1:00:13Bill Simmons?

  It's fucking absurd.

• 1:00:14Speaker 01

  I was thinking of humans.

• 1:00:15Bill Simmons?

  We have what's age the worst coming up where we're gonna cover the problem with this movie.

• 1:00:20Speaker 02

  The idea that everybody associated with that game still wears the ring every day.

• 1:00:23Bill Simmons?

  Every single person's like, you know, is the highlight of my career, the AFC title game.

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  10 years ago.

• 1:00:28Bill Simmons?

  That I won. And then we lost in the Super Bowl and I'm just gonna, first of all, people, as you guys both know, people don't normally wear their rings anyway because they're big and heavy and cumbersome. You're definitely not wearing your AFC championship ring. And if you did, that's like maybe three guys on the team. So that plot's just falling sideways.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  The Heat, the Heat people stand out in the NBA community because they often wear their championship rings, at least one of them. And people, they are sometimes gently mocked for doing it, but they do it.

• 1:01:01Bill Simmons?

  Well, you know who does it? We don't have to name names, but the owners wear the rings. They're the ones that wear them because they love nothing more than somebody noticing the ring, pointing it out and asking to put it on. And they're like, oh, sure.

• 1:01:15Speaker 02

  And they're the most important to the, to the win, to the championship.

• 1:01:18Bill Simmons?

  This is like their, their walking trophy wife, basically.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  Joe Laker made the Warriors light years ahead.

• 1:01:24Bill Simmons?

  That's true.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  Don't get me started.

• 1:01:25Bill Simmons?

  But the players don't wear them. Have you ever seen a player wearing one of their rings? The irony of these rings is it's like, gotta get the ring and then you fucking put it in a safety deposit box.

• 1:01:34Speaker 02

  To continue on your point, why would these people be wearing these rings? Also, you know, Finkel loses the gem and the ring in the tub. Why, why would she be wearing that? When she's stealing the dolphin? Why?

• 1:01:46Bill Simmons?

  She wouldn't. That's because this is a dumb movie.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  And also you're, she's not, she's not trying to advertise that.

• 1:01:52Speaker 02

  She's in disguise.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:53Speaker 02

  Why is she wearing the ring at all?

• 1:01:56Bill Simmons?

  Would you have for weak link?

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  I wouldn't ask too many questions about the plot, actually, when, once you start to unravel.

• 1:02:02Bill Simmons?

  It's tough.

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  I went a little more literal. I, I, I had the blandest of the Courtney Cox character. Also don't really get why Tone Loc is in the movie. I wish, I wish Tone Loc'd it up a little bit more, but you know, but I, I, and I mean, I'm gonna talk more football later, but I think the football parts of it are a little wanting.

• 1:02:21Speaker 02

  Mine was just, the resolution of the movie is probably the weak link now, you know?

• 1:02:26Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, it looks like it was a TV movie made by, I don't know, PBS.

• 1:02:32Speaker 02

  The hemorrhoids reveal and all of that, you know? Aside from it not aging well, it's just like kind of a weak resolution, I think.

• 1:02:40Bill Simmons?

  Oh, you meant the actual resolution.

• 1:02:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:42Bill Simmons?

  I thought you meant the resolution of the, of the picture.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:02:45Bill Simmons?

  You meant the resolution.

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  I mean, the literal resolution, the climax.

• 1:02:47Bill Simmons?

  The intricate plot.

• 1:02:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:49Bill Simmons?

  Well, that's the problem. Every comedy from this era had a bad ending.

• 1:02:52Speaker 02

  I'm half tying it into the fact that it's like, obviously inappropriate, but it, it is kind of like, eh, if that wasn't there, probably a little bit more watchable.

• 1:03:02Bill Simmons?

  Did this movie have a porn parody? Well, I looked it up and it did. And it's called, it came out in 1995 and it's called Ass Ventura Crack Detective. Directed by Herschel Savage.

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  What's the plot? Can you explain it?

• 1:03:19Bill Simmons?

  I mean, she calls him pet dick in the movie. That's waiting for that. You don't have to change it that much, you know? They did.

• 1:03:26Speaker 02

  Were animals involved or did they kind of move away from that?

• 1:03:29Bill Simmons?

  Honestly, I thought about doing more research and decided I didn't want to get a virus on my iPad.

• 1:03:32Speaker 02

  It could go to a dark place quick with the animals.

• 1:03:35Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, that, the porn parody thing, you want to search for it on IMDb, but you don't actually want to click on a link.

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  Well, was it called Ass?

• 1:03:42Bill Simmons?

  Ass Ventura Crack Detective.

• 1:03:45Speaker 02

  It's not even good.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  Crack's kind of a stretch. Like that doesn't rhyme with it. It's like, I can understand why it's there, but.

• 1:03:50Bill Simmons?

  Now I gotta call this up because I, I didn't write down what the guy's name was.

• 1:03:52Speaker 02

  Crack Detective is terrible. You could have just said sex detective.

• 1:03:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:56Bill Simmons?

  Ass Ventura Crack Detective. So his name is Asford Ass Ventura. Searches for Fanny, the life of, the wife of Los Angeles mayor Peter Rumpford.

• 1:04:10Speaker 02

  I feel like they could have cast.

• 1:04:11Bill Simmons?

  I think I'm getting a virus. I gotta get out of this.

• 1:04:14Speaker 02

  They could have cast the same woman from the first scene of the movie, probably in the porn parody as well.

• 1:04:18Bill Simmons?

  Easily. Maybe she double dipped.

• 1:04:19Speaker 01

  A more acrobatic and entertaining sex scene than the Courtney Cox, Jim Carrey sex scene.

• 1:04:24Speaker 02

  That, that opening scene when he's like, people sure are friendly around here.

• 1:04:31Bill Simmons?

  We're gonna take one more break and do, uh, what's age the worst? Buckle up.

• 1:04:34Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 1:04:35Bill Simmons?

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• 1:05:39Bill Simmons?

  All right, let's age the worst. We could spend 30 minutes on this, or we could spend 30 seconds. I vote for 30 seconds. The trans stuff in this movie is tough. 30-plus years later.

• 1:05:51Bill Simmons?

  Not going to defend it. It's 1994. This is just how it was in 1994. The one thing I will say about, uh... So The Crying Game was a cultural phenomenon when it came out, maybe 18 months earlier. It was a huge movie. The reveal was like, keep the reveal a secret. It was stuff that would never happen now on the internet. And they're trying to parody The Crying Game in this, which I'm not sure anyone under 30 would even know that they're doing. Carrie said, "I want it to be the biggest, most obnoxious homophobic reaction ever recorded." He's parodying The Crying Game thing.

• 1:06:28Bill Simmons?

  Obviously, it's not age well. Naked Gun 3 also did a twist this. 90210, in the sophomore year of season finale episodes in Palm Springs, also went down this road where Steve Sanders thought he was gonna hook up with this girl, and it turned out he had a little surprise coming. So this was in the air in the mid-'90s. So we just have to put in context. I'm sure you guys don't have anything to add. We could just move on. Great. Not great. Star Trek impressions have aged the worst because that show came out in 1966?

• 1:07:05Bill Simmons?

  And I wrote down Melissa liking Ace.

• 1:07:11Speaker 01

  What is?

• 1:07:12Speaker 02

  I thought the same thing until I read that she literally liked him in real life. Watching him on set. So how can you say?

• 1:07:19Bill Simmons?

  Maybe he just wears you down.

• 1:07:21Speaker 02

  She even said that he was toned down in rehearsal. And when they actually started filming for real and he started going big. That was when she was like, oh, my God, this is the funniest man I've ever met. And I started to develop a crush on him.

• 1:07:33Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:07:33Speaker 02

  So how can, how can we deny Courtney Cox's feelings?

• 1:07:38Bill Simmons?

  She's full of a lot of love and she loved laughing.

• 1:07:42Speaker 01

  The only thing I would add to age the worst, and I, this could also be my hot take category. I think some of the big jokes are just flat out not funny. Like, I think talking out of the ass is not funny.

• 1:07:54Bill Simmons?

  Oh, that just hurts my heart.

• 1:07:55Speaker 01

  I think the Tex Cobb one, uh, where he's in the car chase and he says assholes in the mirror appear closer than they appear. Like lame, there are a couple lame, just flat lame jokes.

• 1:08:06Bill Simmons?

  He's firing 12 threes a game.

• 1:08:08Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 1:08:09Bill Simmons?

  He's, he's just trying to go four, five for 12.

• 1:08:12Speaker 01

  Some of them are scripted in ways that like the writers are like, we gotta hit this one hard. Like this feels like a landmark joke. And I think almost all of them are like whiffs or foul balls.

• 1:08:20Speaker 02

  It also varies between like, that's pretty funny to a 12 year old, maybe not funny to an 18 year old.

• 1:08:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess what are they going for, right? They're not, they're not going for me right now in 2026.

• 1:08:30Bill Simmons?

  Can I ask you a question? Is a fucking murderers row comedy for a six year old? I can just tell you from my two kids.

• 1:08:37Speaker 02

  Assholio and Sodomia.

• 1:08:39Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  The best part about that is it cuts away to Sean Young and then it cuts back to show that like he's still going.

• 1:08:45Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:45Speaker 02

  And still doing the ass thing. It's like been going on for a while.

• 1:08:48Speaker 01

  Best part of that is.

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  And now he's singing.

• 1:08:50Speaker 01

  I think the best part of that is Tone Loc being like legitimately terrified that he's gonna get in trouble because Ace Ventura is fucking around on his desk. And it's somehow it's supposed to.

• 1:08:59Bill Simmons?

  He breaks at the end of it. Tone Loc, you can see him starting to be like this fucking guy, like just started to laugh at the end. Um.

• 1:09:07Speaker 02

  I have a couple what's age the worst.

• 1:09:08Bill Simmons?

  Go.

• 1:09:08Speaker 02

  Um, the ending credits song. Have, did you hear it? Do you, you know that?

• 1:09:14Bill Simmons?

  It's bad.

• 1:09:14Speaker 02

  It's a Tone Loc song, but Jim Carrey does the intro and he goes.

• 1:09:17Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:09:18Speaker 02

  Tone, put that big ass size 13 on and kick it for the homies. That's like the very beginning of the credit.

• 1:09:24Bill Simmons?

  That's the last time a white person ever, ever tried to say a sentence like that.

• 1:09:28Speaker 02

  Doesn't really work. Um, professional sports teams having live animal mascots.

• 1:09:35Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:09:36Speaker 02

  Not really a thing anymore.

• 1:09:38Bill Simmons?

  I don't know if you know Zach's background with mascots.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  I'm a big mascot guy.

• 1:09:42Bill Simmons?

  He's like probably the number.

• 1:09:44Speaker 01

  He means like live, like an actual trapped animal.

• 1:09:48Bill Simmons?

  I know, but you're, this is one of your corners.

• 1:09:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, but if you, I, I have no objection to that because if you replaced Snowflake, the real dolphin.

• 1:09:55Bill Simmons?

  No, I'm saying you're, you're excited that this topic came up.

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm very excited. I want to talk more about the Eagles mascot getting the crap kicked out of it at the end of the game.

• 1:10:01Speaker 02

  I have an issue with that, that we'll get to. But yeah, can you think of a professional or a collegiate sports team that still has a live animal? Some do. There's the Georgia Bulldog.

• 1:10:09Bill Simmons?

  Cause the friggin' PETA.

• 1:10:10Speaker 02

  But it's a dog, so there's no, you know, that's not an issue.

• 1:10:12Speaker 01

  Buffalo runs out, but we don't really know what's happening with the Buffalo at Colorado games, like in its general life.

• 1:10:19Bill Simmons?

  The Bulldog's strong. I like the Bulldog idea.

• 1:10:21Speaker 02

  But it's a dog, so it's not really animal cruelty.

• 1:10:23Speaker 01

  The Celtics have an actual human being who's just a human without a costume really is their mascot. I don't know where that falls.

• 1:10:30Bill Simmons?

  What's your number one mascot in the NBA, NBA right now?

• 1:10:34Speaker 01

  It's hard to argue with Benny the Bull. Benny the Bull or the Raptor would be number one and two. Stuff the Magic Dragon most underrated.

• 1:10:40Bill Simmons?

  What was the worst mascot of the last 20 years for you?

• 1:10:43Speaker 01

  Well, they murdered the Brooklyn Knight, the creatively named Brooklyn Knight, uh, who was like part Marvel superhero, part like knight and descended from the ceiling.

• 1:10:54Bill Simmons?

  That came out of some sort of marketing meeting going wrong.

• 1:10:56Speaker 01

  And then they were like, let's just pretend this never happened. He left.

• 1:10:59Bill Simmons?

  I like when they pretend the mascot never happened is my favorite version of mascot.

• 1:11:03Speaker 01

  They poochied the mascot and Poochie went back to his planet.

• 1:11:04Speaker 02

  Did the Dolphins have a real dolphin? Was that accurate?

• 1:11:07Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 1:11:07Bill Simmons?

  I don't think so. People go to a football game, they, guess what they want to do? Get drunk in the parking lot before the game and then watch football. They don't care like, oh, there's a dolphin.

• 1:11:16Speaker 02

  Does LSU have a tiger? Did they have a tiger?

• 1:11:19Speaker 01

  I think they have a tiger. I think it's in like a cage. It comes out.

• 1:11:23Bill Simmons?

  Pete is protesting it now. Um, anymore?

• 1:11:27Speaker 02

  Uh, no.

• 1:11:29Bill Simmons?

  The Dorfler's Door Award for how much did that hurt? I threw this in there because I wanted to ask you guys, falling off of three story roof into a bunch of garbage bags? I feel like that would hurt more than a dozen movies. We talked about this in another podcast recently.

• 1:11:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:44Bill Simmons?

  Where people jump into the dumpster and it always works out perfectly with garbage bags. You never land on a broken wine bottle or like somebody put a chainsaw in there. Just always like a nice comfy thing. I just have some questions.

• 1:11:55Speaker 01

  This is a great, you're speaking some of these ideas into existence as we were doing earlier.

• 1:12:01Bill Simmons?

  So would that hurt?

• 1:12:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, there are probably, I mean, there's a scene where two henchmen take a giant metal hook to the head. That's probably the one that'll take you out.

• 1:12:10Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:10Speaker 02

  That's a good one.

• 1:12:11Bill Simmons?

  I think that would hurt. Uh, the Ruffalo Hannah Rubenek Parkage overacting.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  I have an answer for, uh, what hurts the most.

• 1:12:16Bill Simmons?

  What is it?

• 1:12:17Speaker 01

  When, during the, uh, asylum visit, when he reaches the end of his performance and he just smacks his head down into like a leather bench.

• 1:12:27Speaker 02

  Great call.

• 1:12:27Speaker 01

  I'm like, it looks like he actually just straight up at full velocity smacked his head into a leather bench. I'm sure it's padded and all that, but I'm like, he went hard in that.

• 1:12:37Speaker 02

  You have to respect it. That's what I'm saying.

• 1:12:39Bill Simmons?

  Stefan Diggs had one of those in the AFC title game when he headbutted the guy with the helmet on and he didn't have a helmet. You guys are nuts.

• 1:12:45Speaker 02

  Didn't Vrabel do that to somebody who's bleeding?

• 1:12:47Bill Simmons?

  Yeah. Uh, Ruffalo Hannah Rubenek Parkage overacting word. I don't know how this doesn't go to Sean Young.

• 1:12:54Speaker 02

  It's, it's, and there's one moment of Sean Young.

• 1:12:55Speaker 01

  Esmentor!

• 1:12:56Bill Simmons?

  Like, I don't know what she's going for with the overacting.

• 1:13:00Speaker 01

  Just so into it.

• 1:13:01Speaker 02

  The final scene, when they're in the warehouse and he's exposing her as a man, she's like convulsing and shaking the whole time.

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  It's one of the most bizarre. Every time I watched that, I'm like, whose choice was this?

• 1:13:16Bill Simmons?

  It's like she's having a seizure.

• 1:13:18Speaker 01

  Did she go to the director and be like, I think what my character do, do is just wobble here with a weird look on their, on their face.

• 1:13:24Bill Simmons?

  Wouldn't she just have like an evil look on her face?

• 1:13:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's having like, I guess it's a psychotic breakdown, but she's like twitching and sweating and shaking.

• 1:13:32Bill Simmons?

  It's very strange. Well, this is exciting. Zach gets to do the CR thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford hottest take award for the first time.

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  I already did them all. Oh, I, okay. My three were all the big jokes with Courtney Cox is bland.

• 1:13:47Bill Simmons?

  Those aren't hottest takes.

• 1:13:49Speaker 01

  Those are not that hot enough? Those are pretty hot takes.

• 1:13:51Speaker 02

  The name of the category is Chris Ryan thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford.

• 1:13:55Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, hottest take has to be if Steph Curry never met Klay Thompson, we wouldn't know who he was. It's gotta be like, whoa.

• 1:14:02Speaker 01

  I don't know if I have one that hot.

• 1:14:04Bill Simmons?

  Craig will teach you how to do this.

• 1:14:05Speaker 02

  I genuinely think Jim Carrey should have gotten an Oscar nomination for this role.

• 1:14:09Speaker 01

  I flirted with that and I thought maybe it's too ridiculous to say.

• 1:14:12Speaker 02

  I mean, you want to talk about a singular performance, something that is irreplaceable, that you cannot have anybody slot in and do, find me a role that somebody else could do.

• 1:14:21Bill Simmons?

  Who do we have in the category? Do you have it?

• 1:14:23Speaker 02

  Uh, I'll pull it back up. Um, okay. Best Actor in a Leading Role 95, Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.

• 1:14:31Bill Simmons?

  Oh.

• 1:14:32Speaker 02

  Nigel Hawthorne, The Madness of King George.

• 1:14:35Bill Simmons?

  Eh, probably would do that one again.

• 1:14:37Speaker 02

  John Travolta, Pulp Fiction and Paul Newman, Nobody's Fool.

• 1:14:43Bill Simmons?

  It's a career achievement, Oscar.

• 1:14:44Speaker 02

  You just can't tell me what Carrey is doing in this from a commitment and acting and, and can this person be replaced perspective is one of one. Nobody can do what he did and, and make a hundred million dollars doing it.

• 1:14:56Bill Simmons?

  So a couple of things, and I've said this on my pod, I've argued about this with Sean. I do think that comedy, like if they want to make the Oscars more fun, like funniest performance of the year should be an Oscar.

• 1:15:09Speaker 01

  Well, now it's all a mess with these different, The Golden Globes was a complete mess with trying to, what counts as a comedy, what's not a comedy, none of these movies are actually funny.

• 1:15:18Speaker 02

  They split it between musical and comedy and drama just to nominate more movies.

• 1:15:21Bill Simmons?

  The other idea that's sitting there is MVP for the year and it would have to be somebody that was in at least two important movies or influential movies or whatever. Like Carrey's the MVP of 94, he puts out three comedies, he makes whatever. Nobody else is competing, Hanks had Forrest Gump, that's it. Nobody else is competing with that. If you think of 94, you probably think I carried first. That should be commemorated in some way.

• 1:15:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, like next year, Tom Holland is in The Odyssey, he's in Spider-Man, he's in Avengers, but it, it kind of turns into, do your movies gross the most money?

• 1:15:54Bill Simmons?

  No, but I don't even think it has to do that. Just like if you're in two, three different things, if you direct two movies in the same year, there's some sort of, or you make a movie and then you produce another movie.

• 1:16:03Speaker 02

  I even think best comedic performance would be great because they rarely give nominations to those people.

• 1:16:08Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:09Speaker 02

  And it would recognize them. Such a bummer because they're some of the hardest things to do as an actor to be funny.

• 1:16:12Bill Simmons?

  My hottest take.

• 1:16:15Bill Simmons?

  I think Marino and Ace Ventura, who we didn't really talk about Dan Marino. I think it's the fourth best athlete playing himself cameo of all time.

• 1:16:24Speaker 01

  I think.

• 1:16:24Bill Simmons?

  Not third, not second, not first, but I think fourth.

• 1:16:27Speaker 01

  I mean, I think he's like bad.

• 1:16:29Bill Simmons?

  No, I think it's important. I think he's funny. He's staying Dan Marino. He's, he's keeping the course.

• 1:16:37Speaker 01

  Marino.

• 1:16:38Bill Simmons?

  He's like, this is who I am. I'm not going to try to act. I'm just going to be Dan Marino. I think he's kind of funny. I think it's funny that he's not funny. So here's what I have.

• 1:16:50Bill Simmons?

  The Mount Rushmore for me is Kareem in Airplane, Reggie Jackson in Naked Gun, and Mike Tyson in The Hangover, along with Dan Marino. On the cusp.

• 1:16:58Speaker 01

  Those first three are so much better than Marino.

• 1:17:01Bill Simmons?

  Well, I needed a fourth for Mount Rushmore.

• 1:17:03Speaker 01

  You've got to feel to do better.

• 1:17:04Bill Simmons?

  Jeter and the other guys, other guys, anybody?

• 1:17:06Speaker 02

  It's brief. It's a cameo.

• 1:17:07Speaker 01

  I never saw it.

• 1:17:08Bill Simmons?

  It's a cameo. Favre in There's Something About Mary.

• 1:17:10Speaker 02

  Pretty good.

• 1:17:11Bill Simmons?

  Which sets up the Brett Favre joke. And Ken Griffey in Little Big League as himself.

• 1:17:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:17:17Bill Simmons?

  But it's, there's not a lot of, we've had athletes playing characters. Or Shaq playing like Neon, like stuff like that, but not like, I'm playing myself in this thing. I'm not disrupting the movie. And it's kind of fun that I'm here. I think Marino checks all the boxes.

• 1:17:32Speaker 01

  No Space Jam, nobody.

• 1:17:34Bill Simmons?

  I can't count Space Jam.

• 1:17:36Speaker 01

  I think Space Jam is bad.

• 1:17:38Bill Simmons?

  But well, I so, it's an, it's, there's a reason it hasn't been on rewatchables.

• 1:17:43Speaker 02

  I think it's also surprising that Dan Marino's in this movie. Dan Marino's like 32, 33 when they filmed this, so like well in his prime.

• 1:17:50Speaker 01

  Both him and Don Shula.

• 1:17:52Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:17:52Speaker 01

  Like, it's like, how, why did you say yes to this?

• 1:17:55Bill Simmons?

  I gotta say, it was, it was a big deal that Dan Marino was in this movie. The equipment of Jim Kelly being in this movie now?

• 1:18:03Speaker 02

  Cause again, like, as we said, no one knew this movie was going to be a thing.

• 1:18:07Bill Simmons?

  That's the thing. It's, it makes no sense that.

• 1:18:09Speaker 01

  Like, did Dan Marino read the script and think, you know what?

• 1:18:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:18:13Speaker 01

  It's kind of weird. I like this.

• 1:18:14Speaker 02

  I'm going to be legitimately in this movie and get kidnapped. I mean, I don't even, the 2026 parallel is like, they're making a movie. They're making, well, no, it's got, it would be like, they're making a movie with Marcelo Hernandez where Patrick Mahomes gets kidnapped.

• 1:18:28Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:28Speaker 02

  And then instead of Tone Loc, it's like Benson Boone is the side character in it. Like, I just, that would never happen. I can't believe they did it.

• 1:18:36Bill Simmons?

  I can't believe he did it and I love that he's in it and he was really famous. It was Montana Moreno and Elway were the three QBs for 12 years. Those were the guys.

• 1:18:45Speaker 01

  Shula I'd forgotten about and it's, it's two seconds.

• 1:18:49Speaker 02

  Funny too.

• 1:18:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:50Bill Simmons?

  You think Marino's agent was like, I think you should see this movie and Marino's like,

• 1:18:55Bill Simmons?

  the white guy in Living Color? What happens? I get kidnapped?

• 1:18:59Speaker 01

  No, no, this would be good for you, Dan.

• 1:19:01Speaker 02

  You get to make out with Sean Young, he's like, alright.

• 1:19:04Speaker 01

  How much more money did Jim Carrey get than Dan Marino? For their respective work in this movie?

• 1:19:09Bill Simmons?

  So Jim Carrey got 350, Marino probably got at least 50K.

• 1:19:12Speaker 01

  Marino, yeah.

• 1:19:13Speaker 02

  Or the same amount.

• 1:19:14Speaker 01

  I can't believe Dan Marino is doing this for like less than a hundred dollars.

• 1:19:18Bill Simmons?

  Did Isotoner pay for the Marino cameo?

• 1:19:20Speaker 02

  Ooh.

• 1:19:22Bill Simmons?

  Casting what ifs?

• 1:19:24Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:19:24Bill Simmons?

  Filmmakers first approached Rick Moranis, who declined.

• 1:19:29Speaker 02

  I think the entire casting what ifs for Ace Ventura is in What's Age of the Worst.

• 1:19:33Bill Simmons?

  Whoopi Goldberg?

• 1:19:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, they flirted with a, a pet detective.

• 1:19:37Bill Simmons?

  David Alan Greer turned it down. Lauren Holly turned down the female lead that went to Courtney Cox. Daniel Stern was supposed to direct.

• 1:19:45Speaker 02

  There's a couple others for Ace. Judd Nelson?

• 1:19:47Speaker 01

  Judd Nelson, I was like, that feels like the internet.

• 1:19:50Bill Simmons?

  I didn't believe that.

• 1:19:50Speaker 01

  Feels like the internet made that up.

• 1:19:51Speaker 02

  And then Alan Rickman?

• 1:19:53Speaker 01

  Again, I didn't.

• 1:19:54Speaker 02

  What are we?

• 1:19:55Bill Simmons?

  See Craig, this is why I decipher it through my shit detector when I read these. You go, especially when you go on IMDb when they have the trivia. About halfway down, it gets like, it feels like you and I could just type stuff in.

• 1:20:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:20:08Bill Simmons?

  Like, Zach Lowe is considered to be Ace Ventura and that could just get in?

• 1:20:12Speaker 01

  Now Alan Rickman did, what's the Star Wars parody that he did that he's fantastic in? No, Alan Rickman.

• 1:20:17Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry, I thought you were saying Moranis.

• 1:20:19Speaker 01

  The space movie where they're making the TV show where he's very funny in that movie. Um, Tim Allen's in it.

• 1:20:26Speaker 02

  Oh, um, Galaxy Quest.

• 1:20:28Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. So he had like a little fun side to him, but this is like.

• 1:20:33Speaker 02

  This movie doesn't exist.

• 1:20:34Speaker 01

  You can't, you can't possibly imagine Alan Rickman in this movie.

• 1:20:37Bill Simmons?

  I do believe Rick Moranis though, and I think he was still famous enough that it could have happened. Uh, best that guy. So Ace's landlord?

• 1:20:46Speaker 01

  That's it, that's the one.

• 1:20:47Speaker 02

  That is the guy.

• 1:20:48Bill Simmons?

  He was Sosa's hitman from Scarface that Tony kills in the car?

• 1:20:51Speaker 02

  He's also Hector Salamak.

• 1:20:53Bill Simmons?

  Look at you now!

• 1:20:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, Hector Salamak.

• 1:20:55Speaker 02

  From Breaking Bad.

• 1:20:56Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:56Speaker 02

  He's the guy in the wheelchair. He's funny in this movie.

• 1:20:58Bill Simmons?

  I heard the animals scratching around.

• 1:21:02Speaker 01

  He's really, he goes for it.

• 1:21:04Speaker 02

  I heard them animals in there, Ventura.

• 1:21:06Bill Simmons?

  The fat guy, the fat cop that's, that heckles Ace is one of those guys. And he was on Seinfeld. He's been.

• 1:21:13Speaker 01

  So I, I did.

• 1:21:14Bill Simmons?

  I don't know what that guy's name is.

• 1:21:15Speaker 01

  I did his, it's John something. It's a long last name. I did his IMDb because he was gonna be my answer for overacting heat check award because he, every line he delivered, like he steps on the bug, he's like homicide Ventura. How you gonna solve that one?

• 1:21:29Speaker 01

  Just so over the top.

• 1:21:33Bill Simmons?

  Dion Waiters, Zach says no Dan Marino. It's gotta be the mom, Ray Finkle's mom, right?

• 1:21:37Speaker 02

  Miss Finkle.

• 1:21:38Speaker 01

  What, what was the, what is the?

• 1:21:40Bill Simmons?

  Dion Waiters, biggest heat check?

• 1:21:42Speaker 02

  I mean.

• 1:21:45Speaker 01

  Both great candidates.

• 1:21:47Speaker 02

  She commands that house for two minutes.

• 1:21:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a great.

• 1:21:50Bill Simmons?

  She's kinda weird looking.

• 1:21:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:21:52Bill Simmons?

  I just, I dig her performance in this.

• 1:21:54Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 1:21:55Bill Simmons?

  The gonorrhea line kills me. Recasting couch director city. I wanted more Dolphins. More Miami Dolphins. I just would have appreciated, maybe they didn't have that many famous Dolphins at the time, but I would have put more NFL players in there.

• 1:22:10Speaker 02

  I like when he chloroforms the guy. Tackles him to the ground.

• 1:22:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a crime. It's a pretty serious crime.

• 1:22:17Bill Simmons?

  The Tone Loc part, I, I do think that would be the one I would really look hard at.

• 1:22:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:22Bill Simmons?

  Like if we're, if we're going pie in the sky, like that's just Eddie Murphy for two scenes. If we're going realistic, like why not run back one of the In Living Color guys? Like just get Tommy Davidson to be Tone Loc's part.

• 1:22:34Speaker 02

  Because Tone Loc was quite famous at the time, right?

• 1:22:38Bill Simmons?

  He, he had Funky Cold Benin, he had one song.

• 1:22:40Speaker 02

  And he had, what's, doesn't he have another one? Does he have Wild Thing?

• 1:22:43Speaker 01

  He had two or three huge.

• 1:22:44Bill Simmons?

  I guess he had Wild Thing too.

• 1:22:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:22:46Bill Simmons?

  I don't know. Nobody's going to the movie to go see Tone Loc.

• 1:22:51Bill Simmons?

  Oh, no offense to Tone Loc.

• 1:22:52Speaker 01

  I would, I, I think the Sean Young character you can recast with 25 different people and it could be.

• 1:22:57Bill Simmons?

  Sharon Stone?

• 1:22:58Speaker 01

  We're just, whoa.

• 1:23:00Bill Simmons?

  Craig, you have a flex that you got?

• 1:23:02Speaker 02

  Okay, I created a new category and I figured it was time to introduce this because this happens every movie we do that's in the 80s and 90s. It's the millennial missed reference power ranking. And these are all the things that happened in this movie that when I saw it, and even half of them to this day, it goes right over my head.

• 1:23:19Speaker 02

  "Hi Captain Stubing, how are Gopher and Doc?" No idea what that meant. The crying game song, no idea what that was. The captain's log, "I just can't do it, Captain." No idea what that was. "For God's sakes, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man." No idea what that is.

• 1:23:36Bill Simmons?

  Great line, by the way.

• 1:23:38Speaker 02

  He asked for Benaka at one point.

• 1:23:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, ass does.

• 1:23:41Speaker 02

  I don't know what Benaka is.

• 1:23:42Bill Simmons?

  Is Benaka doesn't exist anymore?

• 1:23:44Speaker 01

  It's breath spray.

• 1:23:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:23:45Speaker 01

  It was big around that time. That was a big time for Benaka.

• 1:23:48Speaker 02

  There's a line where Ventura says, "Busted out of a mental institute, did a Claude Rains, and he's been plotting his revenge for years." I don't know what Claude Rains means.

• 1:23:55Bill Simmons?

  I'm not even sure I know who Claude Rains is. I think he was an actor.

• 1:23:58Speaker 01

  I used to know and my brain forgot.

• 1:24:01Speaker 02

  "I have exercised the demons."

• 1:24:03Speaker 01

  It's another big joke that I don't like. I think that scene is one joke too long and that's the joke.

• 1:24:10Speaker 02

  Which I learned is from Poltergeist, which I have since seen that this house is clear.

• 1:24:14Bill Simmons?

  It's the short lady.

• 1:24:15Speaker 01

  I hated that. That's the hammer. They intend that to be the hammer of that sequence and it doesn't ruin it, but it taints it.

• 1:24:22Speaker 02

  Couple more, just Tone Loc in general. Didn't know who that was or why he was in that movie.

• 1:24:27Bill Simmons?

  Tone Loc in general.

• 1:24:28Speaker 02

  I had to look it up for the Funky Coleman Dana song. "Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee." I didn't know at the time, right over my head. And then, "Lovely party, putty, I wasn't invited." Sean Connery, didn't know it at the time.

• 1:24:43Bill Simmons?

  Good category.

• 1:24:44Speaker 02

  So many things that...

• 1:24:45Speaker 01

  Very good category.

• 1:24:46Speaker 02

  When you're 14 or whatever, I laughed at all of it, no idea what any of it meant.

• 1:24:50Speaker 01

  I mean, but I had the same experience in 1994. I didn't watch Star Trek. The Captain Stuben line, I wouldn't have got at all. The pool man line, I wouldn't have got at all. Like a lot of that, at that time, despite the fact that I'm much older than a millennial, I would not have gotten.

• 1:25:05Speaker 02

  And you know what? I think it makes the case for making cultural references in movies. Because everybody tries not to do that anymore because it's like, oh, in five years, nobody will get it. And I don't think it matters. I think if the movie is funny and the character is funny, that stuff will age in a fun way, like an Easter egg kind of way.

• 1:25:20Bill Simmons?

  The only time I've really seen it be damaging was Wayne's World 2.

• 1:25:25Bill Simmons?

  Where it was beyond the cultural references and the whole thing is basically a parody of the movie The Doors that you wouldn't know if five years later what was going on.

• 1:25:33Speaker 02

  If the whole movie is one reference that nobody gets that stuff.

• 1:25:36Bill Simmons?

  But I'm with you. One of the reasons I like when people do that, not just because I get all the jokes. It does firmly place you in whatever year the movie was made, right?

• 1:25:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:25:46Bill Simmons?

  So if you did it now, somebody would make like a Stranger Things joke or something. It would just like belong to 2026.

• 1:25:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, like if somebody like was doing something, got a little bloody nose from Stranger Things and they didn't, they didn't acknowledge it. That would be great and people would enjoy that.

• 1:26:00Bill Simmons?

  Love that.

• 1:26:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:26:01Bill Simmons?

  Half past century research, we did a lot of these. One of my favorite things of the research was Jennifer Aniston once told a story about visiting Courtney Cox and bringing a copy of the movie to watch and Courtney Cox refused to watch it. Was apparently embarrassed by it.

• 1:26:16Speaker 02

  Again.

• 1:26:18Bill Simmons?

  Real life Dolphins kicker Pete Stojanovich filled in for Sean Young and did the kick and did, nailed all the takes.

• 1:26:25Speaker 01

  So he's got the wig on, they brought Pete Stojanovich and put a wig on.

• 1:26:29Speaker 02

  You can kind of tell if you watch it.

• 1:26:30Speaker 01

  Put the, put the.

• 1:26:32Bill Simmons?

  Interesting twist wrinkle to this, after the movie comes out. Marino, one of his best chances, I can't remember if it was 94 or 95. One of his best chances to make the Super Bowl, probably his last big chance. I think it was for the 95 when the Chargers made it and they lost. They're beating the Chargers 21-6. Chargers come back, take the lead 22-21. The reason I remember the score is because I had wagers on this game.

• 1:26:59Speaker 01

  There was no question why you remembered the score.

• 1:27:01Bill Simmons?

  Marino gets the ball with 30 seconds left. I think I'm remembering this right, long pass interference to get into field goal range for Pete Stojanovich. Who missed the field goal.

• 1:27:15Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:27:15Bill Simmons?

  Ended their season.

• 1:27:17Speaker 01

  I do, I do.

• 1:27:18Bill Simmons?

  The curse of Ace Ventura.

• 1:27:19Speaker 01

  I do say, I do, when I watch movies that have heartbreaking sports moments in this one, like Scott Norwood can never watch this movie. Like think about the things in Scott.

• 1:27:28Bill Simmons?

  It is, it's like crying game. It's like a parody of the Scott Norwood thing too. They made it 26 yards, which is like.

• 1:27:34Speaker 01

  Gary Anderson.

• 1:27:35Bill Simmons?

  Billy Cundiff's like the only one who's missed.

• 1:27:36Speaker 01

  Gary Anderson could never watch this movie.

• 1:27:38Bill Simmons?

  No.

• 1:27:39Speaker 01

  Couldn't watch it.

• 1:27:40Bill Simmons?

  Not true. Hopefully the Patriots kicker won't have the experience of being scarred by this.

• 1:27:45Speaker 02

  Speaking of, I mean, Dan Marino getting abducted right before the Super Bowl, who are they playing, the 2025 Patriots?

• 1:27:53Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:27:55Speaker 02

  Somebody keep an eye on Darnold this week.

• 1:27:58Speaker 01

  I do think the, the, the Super Bowl, it looks like the least, the least amount of pageantry, the least hyped crowd ever for a Super Bowl, and no one seems-

• 1:28:09Bill Simmons?

  It's really bad.

• 1:28:10Speaker 02

  Well, Dan Marino was, was kidnapped.

• 1:28:12Speaker 01

  No, and no one seems like that concerned, like the Super Bowl's just going on.

• 1:28:17Bill Simmons?

  I had this in nitpicks.

• 1:28:18Speaker 02

  The chief of police, Super Bowl is happening.

• 1:28:21Bill Simmons?

  The traffic for the Super Bowl is a fucking nightmare, and even in 1984 was a nightmare, and they're just like, yeah, let's get him to the game, easily get him to the game.

• 1:28:27Speaker 01

  And he comes back at halftime, and they just announce like, and Dan Marino's back! And everyone's like, oh, great, it's gonna be an exciting second half.

• 1:28:34Bill Simmons?

  Apex Mountain, carry, not yet, but we're close.

• 1:28:38Speaker 02

  It's this whole year, right?

• 1:28:40Bill Simmons?

  I think it's after Dumb and Dumber, that's it.

• 1:28:44Bill Simmons?

  Courtney Cox, we're not there yet, but we're moving in the vicinity. I think it's Scream, I think it's Scream and Friends at the same time. Dan Marino, no, it's the mid 80s for Dan Marino. Three straight years leading the league in passing makes Super Bowl, seems like he's gonna be the best quarterback of all time.

• 1:29:02Bill Simmons?

  The Dolphins, since their last title in 1972, I think this is arguably the apex for them the last 30 years. This is it, like, we were the team in Ace Ventura, what else has good, has happened to them?

• 1:29:14Speaker 01

  We don't know if they win the Super Bowl, though, in Ace Ventura.

• 1:29:17Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, they probably could have slid that into the credits.

• 1:29:19Speaker 02

  Did we know the score at halftime?

• 1:29:20Bill Simmons?

  No, no idea, they don't care, they're not interested. Miami movies, no.

• 1:29:26Bill Simmons?

  Pet detectives, yes.

• 1:29:29Bill Simmons?

  Jim Carrey's 1994, just in general, is just a general apex mountain for comedy actors.

• 1:29:36Speaker 02

  Do you think this is the, the best 1994 Jim Carrey movie?

• 1:29:39Bill Simmons?

  No, I don't.

• 1:29:43Bill Simmons?

  I would go Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura, Mask.

• 1:29:45Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 1:29:46Bill Simmons?

  But, I think if you're talking about a one-year comedy actor year, I think this is probably it.

• 1:29:51Speaker 02

  I mean, I can't believe-

• 1:29:52Speaker 01

  I, I don't even particularly like The Mask, I, it's fine.

• 1:29:56Speaker 02

  I don't either.

• 1:29:56Speaker 01

  Uh, the one-two punch of Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber is-

• 1:30:01Bill Simmons?

  And The Mask just being in the middle, making a shitload of money.

• 1:30:03Speaker 02

  I think it made the most out of the three of them.

• 1:30:05Speaker 01

  You, you could just retire after that.

• 1:30:08Bill Simmons?

  AFC Championship rings, I think this is the apex mountain, it's the only time anyone, there was this much dialogue about it. Uh, all right, Cruz or Hanks?

• 1:30:16Speaker 02

  Hanks, right?

• 1:30:17Bill Simmons?

  It's Hanks.

• 1:30:18Speaker 01

  To play Ace Ventura?

• 1:30:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:30:20Speaker 01

  No, a hard disagree.

• 1:30:22Speaker 02

  Tom Cruise?

• 1:30:23Speaker 01

  Cruise.

• 1:30:24Speaker 02

  Oh my god, Zach.

• 1:30:25Speaker 01

  And here's why.

• 1:30:25Bill Simmons?

  I knew the wheels would come off for you.

• 1:30:27Speaker 01

  How, Tom Hanks is like Mr. Mr. Americana.

• 1:30:31Bill Simmons?

  But you didn't see, see, you didn't see Bachelor Party, 80's Tom Hanks.

• 1:30:34Speaker 01

  I've seen, first of all, how dare you?

• 1:30:37Bill Simmons?

  80's Tom Hanks could have been Ace Ventura.

• 1:30:39Speaker 02

  Hanks can be goofy. Tom Cruise doesn't.

• 1:30:41Bill Simmons?

  Hanks can turn up the goofy.

• 1:30:42Speaker 01

  I'm not talking about goofy. I'm talking about in some of the smug nastier moments of this movie, you can see the seeds of like what becomes not quite the cable guy, but that that level of smugness.

• 1:30:55Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:56Speaker 01

  And meanness. Like, I can't believe we haven't discussed the scene where, we're gonna get to it, I hope, where bam bam bam, he hits Courtney Cox with three of the nastiest insults in a row, like rapid fire. Like, that's just okay. And, and like Cruise has that little darkness in his arsenal that I just don't think Tom Hanks has. And physicality, no, no, you need some physicality. I'm not swearing you guys off. Tom Hanks, imagine Tom Hanks making faces and doing these, so you can't do it.

• 1:31:24Speaker 02

  I can't overstate how fucking weird it would be if Tom Cruise was trying to be Ace Ventura. It just wouldn't work.

• 1:31:28Bill Simmons?

  Tom Cruise has only done comedy once in 40 years, and he had to wear a fat suit?

• 1:31:33Speaker 02

  He was in a disguise, basically.

• 1:31:34Speaker 01

  It's not gonna work. None of this is gonna work. This is a one man unicorn performance.

• 1:31:39Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:31:40Speaker 01

  But I'm picking Cruise over Hanks if I have to.

• 1:31:41Bill Simmons?

  Well, you got outvoted, because we both pick Hanks.

• 1:31:43Speaker 01

  Well, you're wrong.

• 1:31:44Bill Simmons?

  Yeah. You lost two to one.

• 1:31:47Speaker 02

  Um, I wanted, can I quickly do a couple other half-assed internet researches that I found?

• 1:31:51Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:51Speaker 02

  And I watched this movie twice in the last two days. The sec, on the second watch, there is a scene when Ventura and Einhorn kiss, and they're kind of hanging out in in her office. On the desk is a banana with two apples next to it. On her desk.

• 1:32:05Bill Simmons?

  Like a clue?

• 1:32:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:32:07Bill Simmons?

  Okay.

• 1:32:07Speaker 02

  Had no idea. And then one other thing I thought was cool was that, I don't know if either of you had the VHS for this movie, but it came with the Ace Ventura card in the VHS, and you could like put it in your wallet. So I thought was cool.

• 1:32:18Speaker 01

  I did have the VHS of this movie, and I don't remember that.

• 1:32:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:32:21Speaker 01

  Maybe, maybe I just didn't notice it, or?

• 1:32:22Bill Simmons?

  I don't think I got the VHS.

• 1:32:24Speaker 02

  It's a great idea.

• 1:32:26Bill Simmons?

  Scorsese or Spielberg?

• 1:32:28Speaker 02

  Is it bad? I kinda went Scorsese.

• 1:32:30Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, I voted Scorsese.

• 1:32:31Speaker 01

  A thousand percent Scorsese and I repeat everything I said about why it has to be Cruise. There's a dark, there's a darkness and a smugness to this character that Spielberg is just not gonna tap into.

• 1:32:42Speaker 02

  Tom Cruise, hello Satan.

• 1:32:44Bill Simmons?

  Scorsese would make him a cocaine addict and probably really blow it out. He's in the Miami drug scene.

• 1:32:49Speaker 01

  He would, he would have just, he would have straight up murdered the guy with the chloroform. That guy would be dead.

• 1:32:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:32:54Bill Simmons?

  Who'd you have for best hang, worst hang?

• 1:32:57Speaker 01

  Best hang, I debated between, uh, Ray Finkle's mom. Seems like a great time. Get some cookies.

• 1:33:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:33:05Speaker 01

  Hear some stories about Ray. Uh, and I just think I would go out for beers after work with Roger Paddock. Just seems like a good guy, cares about his job, fun guy to be around, no nonsense, lives, lives in a great penthouse apartment in Miami. I think he deserves a little love.

• 1:33:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, he thought Einhorn was into him.

• 1:33:25Bill Simmons?

  I think Zach, like, knowing how Zach operates when he's on these road trips, when he's like, yeah, I'm going with the Toronto, the head scout or like, he'd be like, yeah, I'm in Miami. Roger Paddock and I are getting drinks.

• 1:33:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, Roger Paddock just told me they might trade, they might trade for Jay Fiedler.

• 1:33:42Bill Simmons?

  I had, uh, Rebecca for best hang just cause she's cute.

• 1:33:45Speaker 02

  Rebecca?

• 1:33:46Bill Simmons?

  I think Ace would be the worst hang.

• 1:33:47Speaker 01

  Who the hell is Rebecca?

• 1:33:48Bill Simmons?

  Not Rebecca, uh, what's her name?

• 1:33:50Speaker 01

  Melissa?

• 1:33:50Speaker 02

  Courtney.

• 1:33:50Bill Simmons?

  Melissa.

• 1:33:51Speaker 01

  She's wor, she's on my list for worst hang.

• 1:33:53Bill Simmons?

  Nah, she's great.

• 1:33:54Speaker 01

  Completely uninteresting. What am I gonna talk to her about?

• 1:33:56Speaker 02

  You don't have to talk.

• 1:33:57Speaker 01

  I get you. Apparently what I can do is just insult her endlessly and there's no repercussions at all, which I guess is.

• 1:34:02Bill Simmons?

  Great hang.

• 1:34:03Speaker 02

  I, my best hang, I'd like to spend a night with Woodstock, the guy who works underneath the concert venue.

• 1:34:07Speaker 01

  He's on my list.

• 1:34:08Speaker 02

  Hacking whaling fleets.

• 1:34:09Speaker 01

  He's on my list.

• 1:34:10Speaker 02

  That, that's probably a fun night with him.

• 1:34:12Bill Simmons?

  These movies always have a guy like that. It was just, he's in one scene, he's just in some lair, doing weird shit.

• 1:34:19Speaker 01

  I thought you had a challenge for me, Ace?

• 1:34:21Speaker 02

  They're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm hacking a whaling fleet. You're like, what?

• 1:34:25Bill Simmons?

  I have Ace for worst hang. I think after 10 minutes, he'd wanna like put a gun to your head. It's like, alright Ace, I get it.

• 1:34:32Speaker 01

  I went, I went Einhorn.

• 1:34:34Bill Simmons?

  Picking nits.

• 1:34:37Bill Simmons?

  Who fed Ace's pets all day?

• 1:34:40Speaker 02

  It's a good question.

• 1:34:40Bill Simmons?

  There's like 20 pets in there and he's gone for long stretches of time. Does he have a pet feeder? Pet walker? Who's walking the dog?

• 1:34:48Speaker 02

  He doesn't even particularly seem like a really good pet owner. For how much he loves pets.

• 1:34:52Bill Simmons?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:53Speaker 02

  They all are jammed in his apartment. He has no money, so he can't feed them.

• 1:34:56Bill Simmons?

  What does that apartment smell like? Like you're bringing a girl back there. That thing must smell like friggin zoo.

• 1:35:01Speaker 02

  He kind of had no issue with the fact that that snowflake was a dolphin that they they used for show. You know? That wasn't a problem.

• 1:35:10Bill Simmons?

  So was your take Ace Ventura didn't actually like pets that much? It was just a job?

• 1:35:14Speaker 02

  I don't know. He clearly felt the connection to him.

• 1:35:16Speaker 01

  He found a niche.

• 1:35:18Bill Simmons?

  What'd you have for pick and nits? I have a bunch.

• 1:35:19Speaker 01

  I'm gonna be the only, the only one.

• 1:35:21Bill Simmons?

  That's it. It was an opportunity.

• 1:35:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, I, I had some of the jokes I didn't like and just the, the, the Super Bowl. I was like, this is the Super Bowl. I want to know who won the Super Bowl? Did the Dolphins win the Super Bowl? Did Snowflake perform at the Super Bowl? How does Marino do in the second half?

• 1:35:37Speaker 02

  I know.

• 1:35:37Speaker 01

  Like who goes to prison for this? How many people go to prison?

• 1:35:40Bill Simmons?

  I had, how did they get Snowflake to the Super Bowl? And also, um, the real final score was San Francisco 38 Miami 16 in the Ray Finkle game. They cheated with that. I would have liked to have known who won this Super Bowl.

• 1:35:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:54Bill Simmons?

  Did the Dolphins prevail? I just had more questions.

• 1:35:57Speaker 01

  And I guess this doesn't count, but there's no version of this movie that should not have the Dolphin trainer seen within a scene. The fact that that's not in the movie anymore, no matter where you stream it, is unconscionable. I'm gonna say unconscionable.

• 1:36:12Speaker 02

  I had a couple. Why was Ray Finkle a replacement kicker if he was so good? He comes in halfway through the season, but then when, when Jim, when Ace does the research on him, two division one records? He holds the division one record for most points and longest kick? So why, if he's so good, why was, why did he get added mid-season to the Dolphins? That doesn't make any sense.

• 1:36:32Speaker 02

  At the end of the movie, the Eagles mascot who Ace punches, he's on the Dolphin sideline trying to get Gatorade. Makes no sense. Why is he over there?

• 1:36:40Speaker 01

  Infiltrating, maybe can you come back with some information?

• 1:36:42Speaker 02

  No clue there. Um, there's a line at the end of the movie when they're in the warehouse and it's all going down. Maybe you guys know what's going on. Einhorn is talking to Dan Marino and she goes, want some refreshments, Dan? And then she leaves to go get him what? Why does she leave? And that's why Jim Carrey can bust him out.

• 1:37:00Speaker 01

  Also, two, two classic, uh, just old fish goons, old fish mobster goons, like unnamed, just like incompetent at their jobs. Why did she hire?

• 1:37:09Bill Simmons?

  Those guys are in like every movie.

• 1:37:11Speaker 01

  Who are they?

• 1:37:11Speaker 02

  I don't know why, she says it twice, want some refreshments, Dan?

• 1:37:14Speaker 01

  Dan.

• 1:37:15Speaker 02

  No idea what that's about. And then the last one is just what is Einhorn's, what is her actual plan? So she's a disgraced kicker. She goes, she goes to a mental institute and is like, I'm gonna break out, quickly rise up the ranks of Miami P D, become a woman, and then eventually kidnap Dan Marino so I, so I can kill him when the Dolphins eventually make the Super Bowl?

• 1:37:36Bill Simmons?

  I mean, can we stop, can we stop 40% through that question? What about the part that she just became the lieutenant in this police station?

• 1:37:45Speaker 01

  Maybe, maybe she loves police work. She's just really good at it.

• 1:37:48Bill Simmons?

  But I'm pretty sure it takes longer to become the lieutenant. Like you're starting in the ground, you work your way up, you're an officer for years.

• 1:37:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:37:55Bill Simmons?

  You get, you become assistant lieutenant, then eventually the lieutenant.

• 1:37:59Speaker 02

  Is that the easiest way to get to Dan Marino is I need to become the lieutenant of the Miami P D?

• 1:38:04Bill Simmons?

  See, this is the problem is I don't think they spent more than 20 minutes coming up with the plot for this movie. And she's the weak link of the movie.

• 1:38:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, you know.

• 1:38:12Speaker 01

  Uh, also you can just, you can just get into a very expensive looking mental institution, like show up act crazy. Do they have any money? How are they gonna pay? Is he gonna live there?

• 1:38:21Bill Simmons?

  Speaking of the mental institution, I had for a picky knit, just finds the right room with all the low sign horn evidence, just sitting there in a closet.

• 1:38:29Speaker 01

  No, no indication that that would be.

• 1:38:32Speaker 02

  Why would they hang on to that?

• 1:38:33Bill Simmons?

  Keeping around in a box.

• 1:38:34Speaker 02

  Underrated funny scene is him trying to get into the box is a great scene. And the guys, because that guy always comes in, that's every trope, the guy comes in and he's just stuck in the box busting out of it. It's great.

• 1:38:45Bill Simmons?

  The, why was the dolphin this important and would anyone have actually cared? I think is important. I think, I'm gonna go with all the Dolphins fans are more excited that their team's in the Super Bowl and has a chance to win for the first time in 12, 22 years.

• 1:38:57Speaker 01

  I could see it becoming a scandal, missing dolphin.

• 1:39:01Bill Simmons?

  It's a Tuesday Super Bowl story, by Thursday, people are like, who's winning? Who do you got? Who'd you bet on?

• 1:39:07Speaker 02

  If the beloved Seahawk was stolen this week, people would probably care.

• 1:39:11Bill Simmons?

  Would they?

• 1:39:12Speaker 02

  Probably.

• 1:39:13Bill Simmons?

  Or were they talking about Drake May's shoulder and Belichick getting snubbed? By the time people watched this, the Super Bowl had happened.

• 1:39:20Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 1:39:21Bill Simmons?

  I hope the Patriots won.

• 1:39:24Bill Simmons?

  Sequel, prequel, prestige, TV all black cast are untouchable. They did a sequel. And they did some other stuff. I think there was a TV show. Animated, animated TV show.

• 1:39:32Speaker 02

  It's impressive. I loved the sequel as a kid. I think Ace coming out of the Rhino's ass is maybe the funniest moment in any Ace Ventura. And I think it's remarkable that they made another movie that was somehow more offensive than the first one.

• 1:39:46Bill Simmons?

  They ratcheted up.

• 1:39:47Speaker 02

  They like doubled down.

• 1:39:48Bill Simmons?

  Why not? Why wouldn't you? You get through Ace Ventura and you're lauded for it. You're like, well, I guess we could just do anything.

• 1:39:52Speaker 02

  And I loved it as a fifteen year old.

• 1:39:53Bill Simmons?

  Legitimately troubled production. I think they might have changed directors at one point. It was one of those. The comedy sequels are always a disaster. All right, so is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Fergie the florist, or a million people? Normally we have Chris Ryan here doing impersonation. I think this is the perfect time for Zach to answer the question. Is this movie better with Tom Thibodeau?

• 1:40:17Bill Simmons?

  What would his role be in the movie? Well, I just wanted you to do Thibodeau impersonation. Ace, Ace, Ace. What the fuck are you doing over here, Ace?

• 1:40:25Speaker 02

  He could be one of the henchmen at the end.

• 1:40:27Bill Simmons?

  Ace, Ace.

• 1:40:32Bill Simmons?

  Just want to ask her who gets it. We've already answered. This is Jim Carrey. Come on. Probably an answerable questions. I only have one. Do you guys have one for this?

• 1:40:40Speaker 02

  I have a couple.

• 1:40:41Bill Simmons?

  Okay. We've covered most of mine. What do you have, Craig?

• 1:40:44Speaker 02

  Did Einhorn and the henchmen place a bet on the Eagles?

• 1:40:49Bill Simmons?

  Interesting. They have to do the bookie. Probably lower stakes. I don't think they're in it for the money.

• 1:40:54Speaker 02

  Do you make that bet five months in advance, knowing you're gonna kidnap Marino? Or even a month in advance, right? Would you make that bet right before you capture Marino, before the line swings? Make a lot of money.

• 1:41:03Bill Simmons?

  I don't think they're in it for the money. I have one relating to the game. I think if Dan Marino had gotten kidnapped right before the Super Bowl, I think that's the biggest sports story of all time.

• 1:41:16Bill Simmons?

  I think that's the most interesting thing that ever could have happened in any sporting event is the quarterback, the star quarterback on one of the two teams has been kidnapped. First of all, do they have the game?

• 1:41:30Speaker 01

  I don't think you have the game.

• 1:41:32Bill Simmons?

  I think the game is postponed. Football stops, right? They're like, is this guy dead? What happened to Dan Marino? We have to find him.

• 1:41:40Speaker 02

  Do you think it matters which quarterback it would be? Like, it's like, oh, well, if Mahomes were canceling the Super Bowl.

• 1:41:45Bill Simmons?

  Well, we're taking this before the new Super Bowl.

• 1:41:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:41:48Bill Simmons?

  If it was Drake May versus Sam, if Sam Darnold's kidnapped, they're not having the game. Either one, it's a no, it's like, we're holding off until we find Sam Darnold. Right? They're not like, let's have the game anyway, because then all that would happen is you could just kidnap the best players on other teams and, you know, bet money on the other team before you do it.

• 1:42:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're stopping the game.

• 1:42:11Bill Simmons?

  Pandora box.

• 1:42:12Speaker 02

  And the question is, is if they find him five months later, then what? Do you just have the Super Bowl?

• 1:42:16Speaker 01

  Yes, football is, when do you resume football?

• 1:42:20Bill Simmons?

  Has this happened in soccer? It must have.

• 1:42:23Speaker 02

  A player getting kidnapped?

• 1:42:24Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, that must have happened in one of these European or Latin American soccer leagues.

• 1:42:28Speaker 01

  What's the plot of Celtic Pride, which I never saw? Isn't this the plot of Celtic Pride? No, they kidnapped someone?

• 1:42:32Bill Simmons?

  They do. We don't acknowledge Celtic Pride.

• 1:42:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:42:35Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, that movie never happened. That's in the never happened movies. Yeah, I do think, I do think this is the biggest story, like excluding like somebody dying or something. I think this would have been the biggest sports story. What else did you have for an answer, Paul?

• 1:42:51Speaker 02

  Did Einhorn learn the tuck from Buffalo Bill?

• 1:42:56Bill Simmons?

  You think there's some Buffalo, so Buffalo, Silence of the Lambs comes out 1991?

• 1:43:01Speaker 02

  I mean, it was a very strategic tuck. She kind of maneuvered that.

• 1:43:04Bill Simmons?

  I think it is a little Silence of the Lambs, probably like an homage.

• 1:43:07Speaker 02

  Also, in that scene, when he exposes her chest and sees that she has boobs and he goes, that kind of work, that kind of surgery can be done over the weekend.

• 1:43:15Speaker 01

  Not going, but it's, it's not overnight. Something about the word weekend and the way he says it is why that's funny.

• 1:43:22Speaker 02

  Acknowledging that there is a little bit of work, he's like, that kind of work can be done over the weekend.

• 1:43:28Bill Simmons?

  What piece of memorabilia would you want from the movie, Zach? Or not want?

• 1:43:32Speaker 01

  Uh, I went want.

• 1:43:34Bill Simmons?

  Okay.

• 1:43:35Speaker 01

  The obvious one would be one of the rings.

• 1:43:37Bill Simmons?

  Yeah. Would be Ray Finkle's ring with the one stone missing.

• 1:43:40Speaker 01

  Ray Finkle's ring with the stone missing.

• 1:43:42Bill Simmons?

  That's the highest, that's, that's selling for the most at an auction.

• 1:43:45Speaker 01

  I would like one of the dyed, dan, dyed, crocheted, like, coasters or whatever that Grandma Finkle made. One of those, or the notebook that has just laces out, scrawled all over it.

• 1:43:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, I have the ring. Or any of the, the 90's Dolphins.

• 1:44:00Bill Simmons?

  I had the ring, but I'll, I'll tell you, it did catch my eye, the Collier County Home to Ray Stinkle sign. It's Ray Finkle and they turned into the Stinkle. It's a really, if you actually look at that sign, it's really cool.

• 1:44:11Speaker 02

  That could be right there.

• 1:44:12Bill Simmons?

  Looks good, yeah, it's, I, I thought about it, it's, it's big, it looks like it would take up like.

• 1:44:17Speaker 02

  Can you buy it? Is it on eBay?

• 1:44:19Bill Simmons?

  They probably threw it, threw it away, right?

• 1:44:21Speaker 01

  I don't know, I don't know.

• 1:44:22Bill Simmons?

  It's a really cool sign though.

• 1:44:23Speaker 01

  I don't know if this counts, but you could, you could make, cause you could make it, but the mannequin with the Marino jersey and the knife in the heart.

• 1:44:29Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:44:30Speaker 01

  Standing right here.

• 1:44:31Bill Simmons?

  Coach Finstock, Mr. Marguerite Award for best or worst life lesson.

• 1:44:37Speaker 02

  Laces out?

• 1:44:38Bill Simmons?

  Yeah, laces out.

• 1:44:40Speaker 01

  I, I think it's, you can be worst life lesson. You can be an absolute dick to this beautiful woman and still end up with her in the end. I can't believe we haven't talked about the machine gun of.

• 1:44:53Bill Simmons?

  How courting was in the early 90's.

• 1:44:55Speaker 02

  Have you ever heard of, it's negging, you ever heard of negging?

• 1:44:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you're ugly. Why don't you cry about it? Saddlebags and then throwing out fatty right after that.

• 1:45:03Bill Simmons?

  And she's like, she's like, I love this guy.

• 1:45:05Speaker 01

  What's happening right now?

• 1:45:06Speaker 02

  And 10 seconds later, her best friend dies.

• 1:45:09Bill Simmons?

  She's like, I'm in on this guy. Uh, best double feature choice, I had, there's something about Mary, cause I get to stay in Miami. It's a different kind of later 90's comedy, different actors.

• 1:45:19Speaker 02

  And you get Favre.

• 1:45:20Bill Simmons?

  I get Favre, I get both football quarterbacks.

• 1:45:22Speaker 02

  I went Dumb and Dumber.

• 1:45:23Speaker 01

  I also went Dumb and Dumber, which is just brilliant movie.

• 1:45:26Bill Simmons?

  Then who won the movie? Jim Carrey.

• 1:45:29Speaker 02

  Was the laces out thing known before this movie? The Scott Norwood kick? Was the, the laces out thing known at that time?

• 1:45:36Bill Simmons?

  I don't ever remember.

• 1:45:37Speaker 02

  That the holder screwed up the kick?

• 1:45:39Speaker 01

  I don't even, is it a real thing?

• 1:45:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, apparently people defend Norwood and say that the laces were facing sideways and it's why it pushed right.

• 1:45:49Bill Simmons?

  I never know what to believe because they're always like, he missed that because of the high snap. And then half the time, guys make it when it's a high snap or.

• 1:45:56Speaker 02

  So this movie was the first time you had heard of like the idea of the laces being positioned in any direction?

• 1:46:00Speaker 01

  That was totally, I was totally unaware of it. And I feel like I haven't heard it since other than references to Ace Ventura.

• 1:46:06Speaker 02

  McAfee has defended this, saying this is totally real. The laces do need to be out because the, the laces are the softest part of the football. So if you kick that, it compresses the most and can like wobble. So I don't know.

• 1:46:19Bill Simmons?

  Interesting.

• 1:46:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. That, and I, which, it's incredibly impressive that the holders, apparently like even the way the ball is snapped is designed so that the laces land in the holder's hands, laces out. And then it's their job to quickly adjust if it's, if it's in the wrong direction by even a couple of degrees so that it's completely, you know, 180 away from the kicker's foot.

• 1:46:41Bill Simmons?

  This is normally the part of the podcast when we go to producer Craig for his reaction, but he's one of the hosts today, so we don't need to do that. But we can thank Ahao.

• 1:46:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:46:48Bill Simmons?

  We can thank Eduardo.

• 1:46:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:46:50Bill Simmons?

  Zach Lowe, your first rewatchable is under your belt. How do you feel?

• 1:46:53Speaker 01

  I feel good. I feel like I submitted a list of 10 to 12 movies and you picked the silliest one by an exponential degree. Just want to put it out there. I also had Dog Day Afternoon was on my list. So I ran, I ran, I ran the gamut. All right. This is, just saying.

• 1:47:08Bill Simmons?

  He's on Netflix and on Spotify. You're on Netflix and on Spotify, Ringer Fantasy Football Show, The Zach Lowe Show. I got the Bill Simmons Podcast. We're back with rewatchables next week with another movie that we're going to try to pick that's on Netflix. And I do want to remind people that Eddie and the Cruisers is now available to be purchased or rented if you ever want to know, because we're going to do Eddie and the Cruisers at some point. It's finally out. I know you're excited.

• 1:47:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know anything about that movie.

• 1:47:33Bill Simmons?

  This is the first, this has only been a couple of times in rewatchables history where we bitched and moaned about a movie not being available and then it actually happened. Pump up the volume.

• 1:47:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:47:44Bill Simmons?

  We just did the episode where like it's, it's, and then all of a sudden it magically appeared in the streamers.

• 1:47:50Speaker 02

  The next one is Revenge of the Nerds. You cannot find on the internet.

• 1:47:54Bill Simmons?

  Kiss of Death, irreconcilable differences we talked about. Sure thing, not really available.

• 1:48:00Speaker 02

  Yep, that's on YouTube.

• 1:48:01Bill Simmons?

  They're mostly from the eighties and nineties. So hopefully we'll have some more. Zach Lowe, a true pleasure. Craig Corlbeck, great to see you. Uh, thanks for coming on.

• 1:48:21Bill Simmons?

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