190: 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming A Dad

In this episode, I share five things I wish I knew before becoming a dad. I talk about treating children as the cornerstone of an unfinished life, staying ambitious without letting work control the home, prioritizing what matters when balance feels impossible, becoming an intentional father, leading through the example I set, and building confidence through curiosity, courage, and competence. This is not a list of perfect answers. It is an honest look at what the last four years have taught me and what I am still working to become. Whether you are a father, preparing to be one, or thinking about the kind of family you want to lead, I hope this helps you examine your priorities, strengthen your values, and show up with greater intention. CHAPTERS: 00:00 App Relaunch 01:19 Intro 03:03 Books That Shaped Me 05:50 Lesson 1 10:56 Success To Significance Shift 15:25 Lesson 2 25:42 Time Systems And Priorities 27:40 Lesson 3 34:06 Intentional Father Framework 38:14 Lesson 4 47:12 Lesson 5 54:50 Closing Encouragement JOIN MY TRAINING APP https://www.nickbarefitness.app/ ORDER MY BOOK HERE: ⁠https://www.amazon.com/Go-One-More-Intentional-Life-Changing/dp/1637746210 FOLLOW: Become a BPN member FOR FREE - Unlock 25% off FOR LIFE ⁠ https://www.bareperformancenutrition.com/collections/performance-nutrition IG: ⁠instagram.com/nickbarefitness/⁠ YT: ⁠youtube.com/@nickbarefitness This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal [health or profession] advice. Bare Performance Nutrition (BPN) is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice. This podcast may not be republished without the written consent of Bare Performance Nutrition (BPN) MB010WZGBAVHTAL

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Nick Bare?

  Hey guys. So before we dive into today's episode, I want to let you know that my fitness app has officially relaunched. It is the Go One More Method. It's at nickbearfitness.app. And this is where I'm pouring my heart and soul into. Everything that I have learned over the last 15 plus years of my training and nutrition life, I want to provide you guys so you can be more consistent and more successful on your fitness and health journey. So within the app, we have new workouts that are released every single Sunday, a new week

• 0:44Nick Bare?

  of workouts called GUM Daily. If you don't want to do that set of workouts for that week, I also have other programs included, hybrid athlete training programs focused on running and lifting. So if you want to get started today, you want to transform your mind, your body, your health and your performance, go to nickbearfitness.app and get started with the Go One More Method alongside me.

• 1:19Nick Bare?

  Hello and welcome back to another episode of the podcast. Today's title and topic, five things I wish I knew before becoming a dad. I've now been a dad for a little over four years. My daughter recently turned four years old. My son recently turned two years old. I have learned a lot in these short four years. And I know with a lot of confidence that there's so much more to learn in the next couple decades, the rest of my life.

• 2:01Nick Bare?

  This is by no means a podcast where I share all the answers that I've figured it out, that I have the silver bullet to parenting. I am figuring it out right now, just like many of you guys. It is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Like nothing even compares to how hard and frustrating and challenging being a parent, being a dad is. And this is cliche and so many people say it, but it is the best thing. It is most

• 2:43Nick Bare?

  rewarding thing I've ever done. It is, it has changed my life completely. And not by a little bit, not by a fraction. It has flipped my life upside down. And that is one of the reasons I have learned so much. In these last four years, I've learned more about myself, about people, about leadership, about values, about what really matters, more in these last four years than I did in the previous 32 years of my life.

• 3:24Nick Bare?

  One of the books I'll be referencing during this conversation that I highly recommend, it's called The Intentional Father by John Tyson, A Practical Guide to Raise Sons of Courage and Character. Now, this book, it was recommended to me by so many people. It's a faith-driven in Jesus following-based book. It's a Christian book. And John Tyson

• 4:02Nick Bare?

  has done an amazing job putting this, this piece together. Now, as the subtitle implies, A Practical Guide to Raise Sons of Courage and Character, I believe it was written to raise sons so that boys can become men. But a lot of the principles and just content in this book is applicable to being a father altogether. Whether you have a daughter, a son, I've been able to apply a lot of these lessons to raising both of my children. A

• 4:43Nick Bare?

  lot of the lessons in this book, I won't be able to apply until my, my son, my children get a little bit older, teenagers and beyond. But exceptional read, The Intentional Father by John Tyson, highly recommended. One of the, the quotes that he adds into this book, it's by John Green. "The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you're unqualified to do. And then you become qualified while doing it." And I share that because it's, it's so true. And I think it lays the foundation for what

• 5:28Nick Bare?

  I'm about to share. The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are, I am, doing something that we are unqualified to do. And then you become qualified while and by doing it. So five things I wish I knew before becoming a dad. The first, this is not the end. It is the end of the beginning. Winston Churchill. Now, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps the end of the beginning.

• 6:11Nick Bare?

  I heard this reference a while ago, couple of months, maybe over a year ago. And I've shared it before on one of my previous episodes, but I love the way this was described. It's the comparison, a cornerstone versus a capstone, and how that perspective can be applied to your life, especially when it comes to becoming a father, having kids. The capstone approach is that society often teaches people to wait until they own a home, reach peak salary,

• 6:54Nick Bare?

  and check off every personal goal before having kids. Children become the final decorative stone on top of an already completed tower. There's this like approach and philosophy to life that I need to do all this stuff. I gotta cram it all in before I then go do the thing. In this case, it's starting a family, having kids. So that I can put all of those previous things that I did and wanted to complete and achieve and accumulate and accomplish, I can take all those things,

• 7:36Nick Bare?

  put them in a box, bury it underground, forget about it, have it, and now move on to the next chapter of life. The capstone approach. Children become the final decorative stone on top of an already completed tower. That's the capstone approach. That is the wrong approach. I wouldn't say in my opinion, but I don't, I don't believe, just in my opinion, the capstone approach is the wrong approach. Black and white, plain and simple.

• 8:11Nick Bare?

  Now, contrary to that, the cornerstone approach, treating kids, having children, as a cornerstone means accepting that life is messy and unfinished. You build your resilience, daily purpose, and maturity alongside your children, rather than waiting for a stable finish line that keeps moving.

• 8:39Nick Bare?

  The cornerstone approach.

• 8:44Nick Bare?

  I used to and still am, to some extent, someone who likes keeping things tidy and organized and clean.

• 8:56Nick Bare?

  I still do this to an extent, but I've tried to loosen my grips after having kids and embracing the messiness, the unfinished

• 9:10Nick Bare?

  process of what life is.

• 9:14Nick Bare?

  I mean, I've always been someone who likes to start working on a project and then wrap up that project and put a bow on it. And then move on to the next one. Or at the end of every day, make sure the entire house is vacuumed and cleaned and wiped down and organized and everything has a perfect place.

• 9:38Nick Bare?

  That looks just

• 9:41Nick Bare?

  beautiful.

• 9:45Nick Bare?

  Like spotless.

• 9:48Nick Bare?

  And that can be exhausting and especially once you have kids and your kids start becoming a little bit older. I mean, my kids can turn our house into a jungle, a war zone within, I mean, not even minutes, seconds.

• 10:07Nick Bare?

  It is wild. And my old self, this would drive me insane. And early on, once my kids started crawling and walking and getting into things, it drove me insane.

• 10:23Nick Bare?

  And I just realized this is life. It's gonna be messy. It's gonna be unorganized. You can't always tidy up everything as soon as it gets thrown apart. It's unfinished. The cornerstone approach as opposed to the capstone approach.

• 10:41Nick Bare?

  This is not the end. Having kids, starting a family, it's not the end. It is the end of the beginning.

• 10:51Nick Bare?

  A true blessing of what life is with children and having a family. But you have to shift your perspective from the capstone to the cornerstone.

• 11:02Nick Bare?

  There was a book that I've also referenced over the years that was recommended to me by a peer, a friend, Halftime by Bob Buford. Moving from success to significance.

• 11:21Nick Bare?

  In preparation for this, this episode, I I started rereading and re-listening to Halftime by Bob Buford. Again, highly recommend.

• 11:35Nick Bare?

  And it talks about how we go through

• 11:40Nick Bare?

  two parts of life.

• 11:43Nick Bare?

  The first part is when we are focused on success. Accomplishing, building a career, making money.

• 11:55Nick Bare?

  Success driven. And then something happens where we experience this shift.

• 12:02Nick Bare?

  And for a lot of people, it's probably around 40 years old.

• 12:10Nick Bare?

  I'm not quite there yet. I'm 36 right now, but I believe that I'm going through this halftime

• 12:16Nick Bare?

  experience of life where you shift your focus from success to significance, your purpose, your one thing. It's much larger than making money and a salary and a job title and a promotion and what you can accomplish, but

• 12:38Nick Bare?

  your purpose and significance in life. And that second chapter, that second part after halftime

• 12:49Nick Bare?

  can and should be even greater than the first.

• 12:54Nick Bare?

  So many people get to 35, 40 years old and look back thinking, man, the glory days are over.

• 13:05Nick Bare?

  Now I'm just going to exist for the remainder.

• 13:11Nick Bare?

  Horrible approach. The second half can be greater, more rewarding, more challenging, more growth, more opportunity, more joy, satisfaction, fulfillment than the first provided.

• 13:27Nick Bare?

  Having kids, starting a family, what I've experienced.

• 13:33Nick Bare?

  While it feels like initially it's the end of my old life.

• 13:40Nick Bare?

  It's the end of everything I knew. My time, my hobbies, my relaxation, it's all over. It is if you look at it that way. That's one perspective. The other perspective is that this is the end of the beginning. This next chapter is going to be so much better than the first, it's going to blow away the first. I learned a lot in this first chapter, but the second one, where I'm now focused on significance, raising these tiny humans. That's awesome.

• 14:18Nick Bare?

  But in order to unlock that perspective shift, that this is the end of the beginning.

• 14:28Nick Bare?

  My take on this is that you have to mourn your old life.

• 14:34Nick Bare?

  Maybe this is applicable to you, maybe not. It's something I had to do so I could fully embrace the new one.

• 14:42Nick Bare?

  And I'll talk about this in in the next thing I wish I knew before becoming a dad, but

• 14:52Nick Bare?

  your previous life, what you knew life to be,

• 14:58Nick Bare?

  it's over. Because the focus isn't just you anymore. It is your responsibility to be a servant

• 15:09Nick Bare?

  for your family, for your partner, in my case, my wife, my children, my kids, my family. My responsibility is to lead, to sacrifice, to be a servant to them. Number two.

• 15:28Nick Bare?

  Professional and personal ambition still matter.

• 15:39Nick Bare?

  Don't let anyone make you feel bad

• 15:43Nick Bare?

  for working hard.

• 15:46Nick Bare?

  I was thinking about this on my drive into the office this morning after I dropped Charlie off at school. So this is her second year going to school. Yesterday was her first day of the new school year.

• 16:03Nick Bare?

  Which is, is crazy to think that I have a child of school age right now. Nico is still too young to go to school, but Charlie's in in, in pre-K right now, her second year of school. She was four days a week.

• 16:22Nick Bare?

  And after I dropped her off and I was in my truck, it's about a 20 minute drive into VPN HQ.

• 16:30Nick Bare?

  I was thinking about ambition. And

• 16:37Nick Bare?

  it's easy to feel guilty

• 16:41Nick Bare?

  for

• 16:43Nick Bare?

  for being ambitious in life. Once you start a family and you have kids.

• 16:50Nick Bare?

  There's a lot of guilt.

• 16:53Nick Bare?

  And I try to balance my time as, as best as possible. But I would love to encourage you guys as I'm encouraging myself. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for working hard. And you shouldn't feel bad for working hard.

• 17:16Nick Bare?

  But you have to ask yourself the question, you have to audit and take stock of your life, your reasons, your actions. What's driving that ambition? Is it money? Is it power? Is it greed? Is it comparison? Are you ambitious just to keep up with other people? If that's what's driving your ambition, that's bad. That is a bad place to be operating from.

• 17:58Nick Bare?

  That's a place of insecurity. It's a place of having an inferiority complex. Is your ambition being driven by purpose? Is it being driven by significance? What you believe that you are truly and uniquely gifted and talented with to do good? If that's what's driving your ambition, yeah, work really hard.

• 18:40Nick Bare?

  And don't feel bad about working hard. Going back to "Half Time" by Bob Buford, he talks about how when we shift during that halftime experience from success to significance, the question we have to ask ourselves is, what is our one thing? What's that one thing that is driving our ambition? Because in the first chapter where we're focused on success, we live these busy, rushed, chaotic lives, where there's all these things that we're trying to do and focus on and accomplish. We spread ourselves thin.

• 19:24Nick Bare?

  And then when we go through the halftime and we take stock and audit our lives, we reduce a lot of those things that we're pursuing. And if we can focus on one thing, that focus allows for significance. Ephesians 2:10. "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." God prepared in advance for us to do.

• 20:08Nick Bare?

  God gave us talents. He provided us purpose to work really hard, to be ambitious, to create impact for the good of glorifying Him and helping mankind here on earth. What's driving our ambition? That's a question we have to ask ourselves, but don't let anyone make you feel bad for working hard. You see, when Charlie was born and I became a dad for the first time,

• 20:52Nick Bare?

  life looked pretty different then compared to now. My business was at a different stage. We were still, I mean, at that point, 10 years in to starting and building BPN, but it still felt and operated like a startup. I was working nonstop, trying to balance operating and leading a business, creating content, building social media platforms to support and build the business.

• 21:34Nick Bare?

  My time was already maxed to the limits. There was no margin. There was no margin for anything else to fit into my life. And when Charlie was born, that rocked my world because I was trying to find time and create margin where I didn't have it. And I navigated that life transition pretty poorly. And I can say that honestly, as I look back and reflect. I fell apart once I became a dad

• 22:18Nick Bare?

  because I didn't know how to balance being professionally driven and ambitious and work, and then showing up for my family and being present. Like, my mind was always on. I didn't know how to separate the two, work versus home, because for the longest time, there was no separation. It was work is the priority, it's the only priority, and this is what's going to be on my mind 24/7. And at that stage of the business, that was what was required. Yeah, I don't think I could have done it any other way.

• 23:01Nick Bare?

  But once I became a dad, I realized something had to change. There was no option, something had to change. What happens oftentimes when you become a dad and you have kids? You experience rule overload. You know, your rule at home changes literally overnight. And you're trying to figure out how to balance work and home responsibilities. You're experiencing emotional dependency, managing everyone else's needs,

• 23:40Nick Bare?

  being a servant, sacrificing your time, it can drain your reserves. And when you've been so used to unknowingly saving and reserving time for yourself when needed, and that goes away, it's tough to manage and navigate. You experience competing values. You're pulled in, in all these different directions that you value so purely and intently, but your time becomes divided and you don't know how to balance all that.

• 24:23Nick Bare?

  You have career, you have parenting, you have marriage, you have your health, you have your fitness. Becoming a dad, having kids, was a huge life transition for me. It was probably the biggest life transition I've ever experienced. And I don't think I navigated it properly, but I had to go through those feelings, that experience firsthand. Someone couldn't have given me enough information or guidance or advice to prepare me for what I was going to experience.

• 25:05Nick Bare?

  I had to experience it for myself. And I felt all of the feelings. And then I had to step up and realize, this is life. I'm going to learn from this, adapt, and get better. I'm going to learn how to do this. Professional and personal ambitions still matter, but it has to look different. It's going to look different. If it matters to you, you will make time.

• 25:48Nick Bare?

  After becoming a dad, time became my most prized and valued personal possession to honor, manage, and respect. I had to honor, manage, and respect time.

• 26:08Nick Bare?

  That is why my alarm clock goes off every morning

• 26:14Nick Bare?

  at or before 5:00 AM.

• 26:19Nick Bare?

  When that alarm clock goes off, there's not a a second or a thought that occupies my mind that says, "You're not going to get up today." Because I know that when that alarm clock goes off, I have

• 26:37Nick Bare?

  a specific amount of time before my children wake up, my wife wakes up, the day begins, and the family needs me to be there for them. So when the alarm clock goes off at or before 5:00 AM, I'm up and I go through my systems, my routines, so I can get my run in, I can eat my breakfast, I can have some time to catch up on emails or do some late reading

• 27:10Nick Bare?

  before I hear my daughter's door start to crack open or I hear Nico make a peep in the monitor and I go and get him ready for the day, for the morning.

• 27:24Nick Bare?

  You can still be professionally and personally ambitious, but it's going to look different

• 27:33Nick Bare?

  because it still matters. And if it matters to you, you will and should make the time. Here's a hard take,

• 27:43Nick Bare?

  and

• 27:45Nick Bare?

  I'm sure many people will disagree with me here. Because my my opinion on this has evolved over the years. That hard take is that your hobbies take a backseat.

• 28:05Nick Bare?

  Again, it's a hard take.

• 28:08Nick Bare?

  Now, health and fitness,

• 28:12Nick Bare?

  I don't consider those hobbies

• 28:16Nick Bare?

  for anyone, but in my case, it's also my work. It's part of my work. It's training, it's creating content, it's documenting, it's educating, it's helping people become better versions of themselves through health, fitness, and performance.

• 28:37Nick Bare?

  But making time for yourself to prep your meals, making time for yourself to go for a run, making time for yourself to get to the gym, move your body, sweat, eat healthy, cook a good dinner, those aren't hobbies.

• 28:57Nick Bare?

  Those are not hobbies. Those are the necessities, the requirements to lead yourself and lead your family to be healthier, to live a healthier lifestyle, to show up as, in this case, the father that you want and intend to be. You have to lead yourself first, so then you can lead others. You can't lead others if you don't lead yourself and hold yourself to a standard and then execute on that standard.

• 29:33Nick Bare?

  I've gone back and forth on this one over the years, but balance doesn't exist.

• 29:40Nick Bare?

  Like, you're never going to get the balance perfect between work and personal and professional ambition and and being home and present for your family. Like, they're

• 29:53Nick Bare?

  it's a rhythm that you're building and navigating, but there's not a perfect balance. And while balance doesn't exist, prioritization does. That is how I approach my day. I list in priority, not always physically writing things down, but in my head, I have a list of priorities of what am I focused on today? Where does my family need me? Where does my work need me? What are the priorities? And this is the reason that I've just eliminated the thought of hobbies.

• 30:31Nick Bare?

  I don't want to even put a hobby on that list of priorities because if I'm not working in this phase of life, if I'm not working

• 30:40Nick Bare?

  in building

• 30:44Nick Bare?

  and I'm spending time with my family, I am home with my kids, with my wife.

• 30:53Nick Bare?

  Even if we're not doing anything, I just want to be home, surrounded by them, watching, listening, being there as needed.

• 31:06Nick Bare?

  I travel as little as possible.

• 31:10Nick Bare?

  I don't go to any or minimal work dinners.

• 31:17Nick Bare?

  I love being home for family dinner every night of the week. I love being home on the weekends.

• 31:25Nick Bare?

  I love that. That's where I want to be.

• 31:29Nick Bare?

  I want my kids to grow up and be older and look back and say, "Dad was home every night. He worked really hard, but he was home every night

• 31:39Nick Bare?

  cooking in the kitchen. And we sat down at the dinner table every night for dinner. Dad was home every weekend." Every Saturday morning, after his run, we went to the farmer's market and he got sourdough bread and meat and eggs

• 31:55Nick Bare?

  and all of the things.

• 31:58Nick Bare?

  Every Sunday,

• 32:01Nick Bare?

  Mom and Dad packed us up in the car, drove us to church, and we went and got lunch and coffee afterwards before coming home and swimming all day and hanging out, having dinner Sunday evening, family dinner with friends over, friends and family.

• 32:19Nick Bare?

  Those are the things that I want my kids to experience and reflect back on as they get older.

• 32:27Nick Bare?

  And that's why I just don't add hobbies onto my list of priorities or things that I even try to fit in.

• 32:39Nick Bare?

  Not to offend anyone in this because it is all personal preference and opinion. But you're not going to catch me golfing. You're not going to catch me going on a hunting trip with the boys.

• 32:54Nick Bare?

  You're not going to catch me trying to make time for these

• 33:00Nick Bare?

  personal hobbies and sometimes what feel like and look like midlife crisis

• 33:09Nick Bare?

  tinkering.

• 33:12Nick Bare?

  For me right now, this is not the season to pick up and pursue a hobby.

• 33:18Nick Bare?

  At least a hobby that I can't do with my family.

• 33:23Nick Bare?

  If there's one hobby I have right now, it is cooking, but I'm doing that with my family.

• 33:33Nick Bare?

  Like, I'm in the kitchen with the kids, with Steph, cooking, preparing a meal that we're going to sit down and enjoy together.

• 33:44Nick Bare?

  But hobbies take a backseat so you can truly prioritize the things that matter. And to me, that is being professionally and personally ambitious and spending as much time with my family, my kids, as possible.

• 34:04Nick Bare?

  Parenting is not a hobby. It's a full-time responsibility.

• 34:10Nick Bare?

  The Intentional Father,

• 34:13Nick Bare?

  page 32.

• 34:20Nick Bare?

  This is the five kinds of fathers.

• 34:28Nick Bare?

  This is chapter two.

• 34:32Nick Bare?

  So it says, "Being a father is one of the most sacred responsibilities a man can have. The current crisis among fathers threatens to destroy this generation. Stepping up and becoming intentional fathers will confront this brokenness and leave a powerful legacy in the lives of our sons."

• 34:56Nick Bare?

  There's five types of fathers. The type of father we want to be is the intentional father.

• 35:03Nick Bare?

  There is the irresponsible father,

• 35:07Nick Bare?

  one who has literally zero involvement with his kids, someone who completely bails on them to the point that they don't even know who he is. This father takes no responsibility, provides no child support, and contributes no meaningful support into the lives of his children.

• 35:26Nick Bare?

  The worst of fathers. Then there is the ignorant father. This type of father has no idea what he's doing and continually wreaks havoc in the lives of his children without even realizing it. He doesn't know anything about being a father and he doesn't try to learn or improve.

• 35:46Nick Bare?

  Because of all of this, he ends up projecting his own brokenness into the lives of his children.

• 35:53Nick Bare?

  There is the inconsistent father, who is torn by personal ambition.

• 35:59Nick Bare?

  He has the capability of doing better at this fathering thing, but instead he prioritizes his own job, career, and hobbies.

• 36:09Nick Bare?

  These binges of selfishness are often followed by guilt and feeble attempts to fix everything, but there's no stable sense of security or identity passed down to his children.

• 36:22Nick Bare?

  There is the involved father. This type of dad shows up at sporting events and takes the time to put porn filters on his kids' devices. He gets a lot of things right, but because of the business of life and the failure to ask the right questions, he never seeks to understand specifically who his children are and why God gave them to him. You see, this is a noble dad, but one haunted by the sense that there is something more, another layer or level in his parenting.

• 36:58Nick Bare?

  Then there is the intentional father. The intentional father is deeply invested in discovering who his children are, and how he can help them reach their redemptive potential. He seeks to understand the children God has given him and wants to inform, or excuse me, wants to form them into young persons who can fulfill their purpose. He sees parenting as central to his call before God and does it with all of his might.

• 37:32Nick Bare?

  We want to be the intentional father.

• 37:39Nick Bare?

  Here's another quote in the beginning of this chapter.

• 37:43Nick Bare?

  By T. Reel. "Boys do not long for fathers who will usher them through the gauntlet of psychological disconnect. They long for fathers who have themselves survived intact. Boys do not ache for their father's masculinity. They ache for their fathers' hearts."

• 38:10Nick Bare?

  We want to be the intentional father. The next thing I've learned is that leadership by example takes on an entirely new meaning.

• 38:26Nick Bare?

  I think the best leaders

• 38:31Nick Bare?

  that I have been surrounded by, that I have worked for, that I've learned from,

• 38:38Nick Bare?

  they never had to tell me what to do,

• 38:46Nick Bare?

  how to act, how to serve, how to show up as a man. They never had to tell me. They showed me. They led by example.

• 39:00Nick Bare?

  Especially men of values.

• 39:06Nick Bare?

  Their lives

• 39:09Nick Bare?

  are built off of a foundation, and that foundation, that house,

• 39:15Nick Bare?

  is on a rock, solid.

• 39:20Nick Bare?

  What makes your foundation, what makes your life foundational and solid? As opposed to having a house or foundation built on sand is values.

• 39:35Nick Bare?

  John Tyson goes on to say that, "Without values, a man is rudderless in a sea of relativity and compromise." "Without values," or excuse me, "with values, a man can navigate complexity and confusion with confidence and clarity."

• 39:59Nick Bare?

  You need values first. What do you believe in? What is your life rooted in, or who is it rooted in? Without values, you are rudderless.

• 40:18Nick Bare?

  You are a boat in a sea that can't steer, that has no direction, and you're just occupying space. You're going wherever the wind may take you.

• 40:33Nick Bare?

  As Lewis Howes has once told me,

• 40:36Nick Bare?

  "A man without a mission is a dangerous, dangerous man. With values, a man can navigate complexity and confusion with confidence and clarity."

• 40:50Nick Bare?

  Even before I committed my life to following Jesus Christ,

• 40:57Nick Bare?

  my life, my actions, my purpose, my doing was rooted in values

• 41:05Nick Bare?

  that were foundational. But I'll be very honest, once I gave my life to following Jesus Christ

• 41:13Nick Bare?

  and surrendered everything,

• 41:18Nick Bare?

  that belief,

• 41:21Nick Bare?

  being a follower, that foundation, those values, those were strong. I mean, that's a that's a rock-solid foundation to build upon. And myself being a believer and follower of Jesus Christ,

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  that relationship is the most meaningful and important for me

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  to lead my family, to be an example, but also to show and teach my children.

• 41:56Nick Bare?

  My hope, my desire is that by being a man of God and living a life of belief and values,

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  that my children watch that, and my leadership by example

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  is passed on to them,

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  and they believe, and they follow, and they live a life

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  that is built upon the rock,

• 42:27Nick Bare?

  a faith in Jesus Christ.

• 42:34Nick Bare?

  I've realized that my kids and my wife,

• 42:38Nick Bare?

  they don't care about my job title. They don't care how big my business is. They don't care how much money I bring home at the end of every month and the end of every year.

• 42:53Nick Bare?

  And I'll be honest, like when I realized that, it was kind of disappointing. When you are the provider of the home,

• 43:03Nick Bare?

  you know, you get a lot of

• 43:07Nick Bare?

  fulfillment, and there's a lot of pride

• 43:11Nick Bare?

  behind providing,

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  making more money, being able to afford nicer things, invest that money so you can

• 43:25Nick Bare?

  do more things later on in life and set your family up for success, and

• 43:32Nick Bare?

  it's a noble feeling, but there's also pride that comes alongside that. And when you realize that your kids and your wife and your family don't care about that stuff, it's kind of disappointing, I'll be honest, but it's also freeing at the same time.

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  That the way that I show up, the way that I lead by example,

• 43:57Nick Bare?

  it's by,

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  well, I'll share from

• 44:05Nick Bare?

  the intentional father, page 177. I noted this because I thought it was

• 44:13Nick Bare?

  very applicable to what we're talking right now, leadership by example.

• 44:18Nick Bare?

  There's rules that we have to master

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  as a father. "In order for your son to be good at being a man, he needs to understand and grow in the key rules of manhood. Learning and growing in knowledge, skill, and character in those areas will produce confidence as he moves out into the world."

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  The six rules to master. There is the disciple, the lover, the leader, the warrior, the brother, the wise man.

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  Something that

• 45:03Nick Bare?

  I'm not perfect at, but I'm constantly trying to get better at, and I've I've been given this advice from so many of my mentors and advisors that I know personally or that I follow from afar. And one of the greatest things that I've been told that you can teach your children,

• 45:23Nick Bare?

  especially your sons, is how to love your wife.

• 45:32Nick Bare?

  Leadership by example.

• 45:35Nick Bare?

  How do your kids watch you embrace your wife and love her?

• 45:44Nick Bare?

  You know, what Steph and I talk about all the time is that we want our kids, as they're older, to think back to their childhood and be like, "My parents were obsessed with each other.

• 45:55Nick Bare?

  They were all over each other,

• 45:58Nick Bare?

  hugging each other, holding hands, kissing, flirting, being playful."

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  And that becomes hard when

• 46:09Nick Bare?

  you're building a career and working all day, and you come home and you're tired, and it's time to play with the kids and prepare dinner and then start bedtime and bath, and

• 46:22Nick Bare?

  it's really easy for the first thing that goes out the window is affection in front of your children towards your spouse, your significant other. And that's something I'm constantly trying to

• 46:38Nick Bare?

  focus on and,

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  you know, not just for my kids to see, but for our marriage to keep becoming stronger and healthier and thrive.

• 46:59Nick Bare?

  One of the rules to master, as Tyson says, is the lover.

• 47:04Nick Bare?

  How do you love your spouse in front of your children? That is leadership by example.

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  And the last thing I want to talk about

• 47:15Nick Bare?

  is you can't teach confidence if you don't have confidence yourself.

• 47:27Nick Bare?

  There are many things that improve or can improve confidence. But there's three Cs that I think about. It's curiosity, courage, incompetence. Curiosity. We are all curious. It is a natural part of being a human being.

• 47:58Nick Bare?

  Can I be successful in this job? Can I start my own business? Can I lose 50 pounds and get healthier? Can I run a marathon? Can I do X, Y, and Z? There is always the thought of can I do this thing? Will I succeed or will I fail? And it's having the courage to go do the thing. And when you have a curiosity and you explore it through courage, and you do the thing, you then become more competent.

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  You build skills through experience. Curiosity, courage, incompetence lead to more confidence. I read this book. It's called The Hard Thing About Hard Things by Ben Horowitz. Initially in 2020. And I read this book at such an important part of my life, where I had to make some really hard business decisions. I had to fire some people who were really good friends. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. As a young entrepreneur and founder, who lacked experience, and especially when it comes to managing,

• 49:26Nick Bare?

  leading, hiring, and firing people. It was, and they kept me up at night for many nights. So this book, more of a business book. But for business owners, founders, entrepreneurs, CEOs, executives, this was such a good book. And I started rereading this again. And it's definitely more business focused. So if that's you, it might interest you. If that's not you, it might not.

• 50:04Nick Bare?

  But page 209, the fine line between fear and courage. I tell my kids, what is the difference between a hero and a coward? What is the difference between being yellow and being brave? There's no difference, only what you do. They both feel the same. They both fear dying and getting hurt. The man who is yellow refuses to face up to what he's got to face. The hero is more disciplined, and he fights those feelings off. And he does what he has to do.

• 50:46Nick Bare?

  But they both feel the same, the hero and the coward. People who watch you judge you on what you do, not how you feel.

• 50:59Nick Bare?

  And then the last thought of that section. Over the past 10 years, technology advancements have dramatically lowered the financial bar for starting a new company. But the courage bar for building a great company remains as high it has ever been. Curiosity, courage, incompetence lead to confidence. Those are

• 51:36Nick Bare?

  things that I want to instill and teach my children as a father.

• 51:45Nick Bare?

  Take stock, take inventory of what you are curious about. And don't just dream about it. Don't just think about it. Have the courage to do the thing.

• 52:01Nick Bare?

  And then when you do the thing, you build competence, skill through experience. That's my job as a father. I have to, I am responsible to help build the confidence in my children through curiosity, courage, incompetence.

• 52:30Nick Bare?

  Jordan Peterson, I heard him talk about this. He's got a lot of great content on parenting and fatherhood. If you're a good father, you're radically encouraging, and you encourage your children to go out into the world and prevail. You teach them to handle serpents. You don't protect them, you don't shelter them. You push them out and say, no matter what comes your way, kid, I've got confidence that you can handle it. No matter how terrible it is, no matter how challenging or daunting it is, you've got it. And when you see your children doing that, and you're a good father, it fills you with gratitude and love to see your children.

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  You can't teach confidence if you don't have confidence. How do you build confidence? The same way you teach it. Curiosity, courage, competence.

• 53:40Nick Bare?

  Curiosity, it's the thought. Courage is the do. Competence is the skill. We as parents, we as fathers, we as men, we need to lead by example, as I was previously talking about. But we need to have the confidence. We gotta build the confidence. Because if we don't have it, we can't pass it along. We can't teach it. I want my children to go out in the world and have all the confidence that no matter what comes their way, they're gonna attack it as a warrior head on. They're gonna run it into the ground.

• 54:25Nick Bare?

  That dog in them will come out. For both my son and my daughter, I want them to be able to, when there is adversity and hardship and challenge, they don't run away from it. They run towards it. And they take it out, they take it down.

• 54:50Nick Bare?

  So those are some of the things that I have learned as a father, and I wish that I knew before becoming a dad.

• 55:01Nick Bare?

  Because it may have shaped some of what I have done, set the expectations of what I was about to endure and experience. But also would have shown me what I had to focus on and learn for myself to be the leader that my family and children needed me to be in this next chapter of life. The best chapter of life. So I appreciate you guys. Thanks for tuning in. If you're a dad, a father, or soon to be, or aspiring at some point,

• 55:48Nick Bare?

  I see you. I see you working hard and keep working hard. Don't let that foot off the gas. Keep driving, keep working, keep serving your family. Be rooted in values that you authentically believe in. Because you're the rock for your family. And when you are weak, they are weak. When you are strong, they are strong. You can't be strong on your own. You need someone, something stronger and greater than you.

• 56:30Nick Bare?

  Keep driving. Go one more.