The Moth Radio Hour: Pride 2021

A special Moth Radio Hour in celebration of PRIDE! Stories of first kisses, drag queens, and coming out -- to others and to oneself. This episode is hosted by Moth storyteller Alistair Bane. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by The Moth and Jay Allison of Atlantic Public Media. Storytellers: Meg Ferrill comes out to her complicated father. A raucous party ends up being illuminating for Bisi Alimi. Bethany Cintron yearns to go to the Pride Parade. Jake Haller finds himself a complicated relationship with labels. Walter Cole describes his storied six decade career as a drag queen. Podcast # 719

• 0:14Speaker 00

  This is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm your host and frequent Moth storyteller, Alistair Bain. It's June, Gay Pride Month. Most Pride celebrations involve a rather fabulous parade that creates visibility, community, and support. In this hour, a mini Pride parade of LGBTQI+ stories from around the world. I'm from the Eastern Shawnee Tribe of Oklahoma. Many Indigenous nations here on this continent that we call Turtle Island have a long history of loving and respecting the people amongst us who express unique gender identities.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  It's an honor to celebrate Pride with all of my relatives who are LGBTQI+, Two-Spirit, or however you choose to define your unique, beautiful, amazing self, all of our families, friends, and allies, too. Let's get our Pride celebration started with our first story from Meg Farrell, told in New York City where WNYC is a media partner of The Moth. Here's Meg.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  I wrote him a letter. I wrote my dad a letter because at that point, our relationship had been crumbling apart. And with each year, we became a little bit less us and a little bit more him and me. So I wrote him a letter and I told him, "I'm gay." And I'm not telling you this just to tell you this. I'm telling you this because I don't know who you are anymore, and you don't know who I am anymore. And what I really want is a relationship.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  We hadn't always been this way, but to understand this, you've got to understand, my dad's a bit of a complicated man, like most of the best people are. And he grew up in an outline of a family that never fleshed out into a full story. And he's a reclusive engineer, and when he remarried my stepmom, they moved off into 163 acres in the middle of nowhere in North Carolina, his little slice of heaven. But when we were young, when I was young, I don't know about him, when I was young, it wasn't this distant. I was his shadow. I played the perfect doting kid. My dad was the smartest dad. He could tell you the name of any star pattern in the sky. And my dad was the strongest dad, because one time our Dodge minivan broke down at

• 2:41Speaker 01

  an intersection, and he pushed us to safety in a parking lot. I'd factored that to be three to four tons. And my dad was the kindest dad, because one time he pulled over, and he ran through traffic on a highway to rescue a turtle that was stranded. And so I played the doting kid, and he played the parent. In 7th grade, he built me a motorcycle, and he paved a figure eight in a field, and he let me speed through it, top three miles, I was always a cautious kid. And he taught me how to hit a bullseye from 50 feet away with a bullet or an arrow. And he taught me how to properly chop and store wood. This might sound like survival training, but it was bonding, because this was just

• 3:26Speaker 01

  something that we did. He didn't build my sister a motorcycle. He didn't shoot at targets with my stepmom. And he certainly didn't teach the dog to chop wood. So I wrote him a letter, and I said, "I want us back. I want this relationship back." And I mailed it to him. And a week later, my stepmom got it, and she called me, and she said, "This is great." Not that I'm gay, but that I wanted a relationship. And she's like, "Your dad's not here. He'll call you the second he gets back."

• 3:58Speaker 01

  A week later, he called me. In ten-second phone call, he said, "I love you, and we'll talk about this next week when you come to visit." And we never, ever talked about it again. And so, once again, I acted like the kid. I took the role of the kid. And I got so mad. Because even though I was twenty-three, and I was really secure that I was an adult, like even more secure than I am now. Because like, as you get older, you start to realize all the complications of being an adult. And it starts moving further away from you.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  But that time, I played the kid, and I played mad, and angry, and hurt. And I vowed to myself, because I'm passive-aggressive, that I would never contact him again. And I didn't, for eleven years. We had four times of contact during those years. My sister's graduation from law school, her bridal shower, when he called to tell me his mother died, and when he called to tell me he had a massive heart attack.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  And then it happened. I couldn't play the kid role anymore. I'd asked my girlfriend to marry me, and we'd started talking about all these adult things. Wedding, marriage, kids. Do we want kids? Should we have kids? Am I gonna be a good parent? All these things you think about as an adult. And I started thinking about parents, and I thought, is my dad gonna come to the wedding? Is he gonna walk me down the aisle? Is this stranger gonna attend one of the most intimate things of my life?

• 5:29Speaker 01

  And then I thought about roles, roles that we play. Sisters, parents, friends, mothers. Some given to us, and some we seek out. And I thought about my dad again, and I thought, maybe he was never meant to play the role of a parent. I mean, this was the seventies. Like, that's what you did. You got married, you had kids, you bought a house, you wore bell bottoms. Any one of those could be a mistake.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  He wasn't given the freedom that I've been given to be me.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  And then I thought more, and I thought more about these roles. And I thought about, with this new lens of being an adult, how I'd come out to my dad. I came out to my dad four years after I'd come out to myself. And at best, I gave him a date. And at worst, I gave him a moment to react positively to something I had taken 1,460 days to process. Was that fair?

• 6:35Speaker 01

  So I invited him to my wedding. And he sat next to my stepdad, who never was good at playing the stepdad role, because he was always a dad. And so there, two dads sat. And I walked down the aisle on my grandfather's arm, and I couldn't see anything but pride in both of their eyes.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  And yeah, maybe my dad was not meant to play the parent role. But maybe he's playing the best he can. And maybe that's OK. And maybe because I'm OK with that, I'm a little bit closer to being an adult.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  That was Meg Farrell. To see a picture of Meg, her wife, and two kids, visit themoth.org, where you can also share this story. Meg is a Portland, Oregon-based storyteller, comedian, writer, and mom. She says that she's still working things out with her father. And now that she has kids, she understands how complicated it is to be a parent.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Next, a storyteller from the London Moth Slam, talking about his young adulthood in Nigeria. Here's Bisi Alimi.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  So, this wouldn't be your usual first time. You know, it's not like the first time you had a kiss, or the first time you had your prom party, or the first time you met your boyfriend or the girlfriend. But this was my special first time. I was eighteen. And, two weeks before then, my friend came back and came to my house and informed me that they'd been to this party and that I needed to be there. And I was like, "What's he about?" He said, "Well, you need to see for yourself." Before this time, I've practically experimented with being heterosexual. You know, I was eighteen, I was growing up.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  Everybody around me, I got a girlfriend. I think it was the coolest thing to do. So I need to have a girlfriend. Despite the fact that, for two years, I never did anything with my girlfriend. The first time I kissed her, I had a feeling I actually passed out. So, it wasn't really like, it wasn't really my forte. So, when my friend asked us to say, "Okay, you need to be at this party", they know I need to be at that party. Because they knew quite well the secret nobody knew. So, it was fun. We went. I got dressed, they came to my house, we were excited. We took a cab and we went to this party. Now, growing up in Nigeria...

• 9:45Speaker 02

  Isn't funny. And if ever you be damned that you are feeling for men, you're in trouble. So I had to deal with that fact by having girlfriends. So do you understand where my girlfriend thing come from? And why I couldn't kiss a girl? And, and so we, we went and we got there. And lo and behold, we walked into this club. And the first person at the door, I had no idea if he was a woman, if he was a man. I'd never heard of the word drag before. So I was a little bit confused. And so there I was. This big headgear, high heels, that does not really look like the kind of high heels women will wear.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  So I was a little bit confused what was going on here. And, and I felt like, you know, I know my mom, she goes out every weekend to parties. I know my sisters, they don't really dress this over the top. This must be some kind of different types of women. Oh, I, I'm actually in a party with aliens. And, and so we, we, we got in and I saw so many people amazingly dressed. And I was like, my God, where really am I? And then my friend turned to me and said, we've actually brought you to a gay party. I was like, gay? Do you think we don't know? And I was like, really?

• 11:13Speaker 02

  I, I've never been, you know, I've never seen this kind of party before. And he said, just relax, enjoy yourself and you'll be fine. And there, the party started. And I saw for the first time, men kissing men. I was like, wow, what is going on here? This is not right. This, this shouldn't be happening. And then, you know, in my, you know, in my quiet, how would I put it now? Confused state, walked past me, this very cute guy. And I think I had my gay moment just about that time. And I kind of looked at him and was like, wow. And my friend said, do you think he's hot? I was like, well, he looks okay. And he said, don't worry, we'll get you some drinks.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  By the time you leave here, we will know whether you're actually straight, gay, or a little bit confused. So they, they got me drinking. And possibly thirty minutes into my second drink, I was kissing the guy.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  And it wasn't long, I was dancing on the table. And I did not actually stop there. I found myself on the table dancing with a drag queen. Now, when I came in, I was straight. When I got there, I was a bit confused. Because I have no idea, okay, what really... By the time we were leaving at 4:00 a.m., I was as gay as gay can be.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  But the most important thing that happened to me that night was the fact that I crossed the Rubicon. I stopped lying to myself. I stopped trying to kiss girls. I stopped deceiving girls. And I started being real to myself. That actually, I can be gay. And I can be proud of who I am. And I never looked back since then. Thank you very much.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  That was Bisi Alimi. He is a renowned researcher, public speaker, and community builder.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Alimi was the first Nigerian to come out on national television, which led to threats on his life. He moved to the United Kingdom and has been fighting for social change ever since. I'm grateful to leaders like Bisi, who have worked tirelessly to advance the rights of people around the world. To see pictures of Bisi Alimi, go to themoth.org, where you can also share this story.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  When we return, more fabulous pride stories, two of them from our high school slams, when The Moth Radio Hour continues.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts.

• 14:19Speaker 04

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• 15:16Speaker 00

  This is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Alastair Bain. Next up, two stories from the Moth's high school program, where we send instructors into the classrooms to help students find the best ways to craft and present personal stories. Hearing stories from the next generation of the LGBTQI+ community made me think back to my first pride parade. It was in a small midwestern college town in the 1980s. I believe there were 12 of us in that parade. I was the goth kid, who was not on board with wearing all of those bright rainbow colors, but nonetheless proud,

• 15:58Speaker 00

  in a more subdued, androgynous, vampire kind of way. We were outnumbered by counter protesters two to one, but we marched past all 24 of them. And afterwards, the parade committee, which consisted of one guy named Paul, thanked us for our bravery with a barbecue in his backyard.

• 16:28Speaker 00

  This next story is about a much bigger pride celebration in New York City. It comes from Bethany Cintron, who told it at the New York High School Grand Slam. Here's Bethany.

• 16:40Speaker 05

  I'm a little nervous, I'll be honest. So, I was a 15-year-old bisexual feminist who was figuring out who she was. I was always open about who I was, so if anybody asked, I was straight up and I told them. But, like, I never really felt like I had this space to sort of be who I was. It was always, like, sort of suppressed and just very, like, minor. And I remember telling people and they always gave me this look like, "Well, you don't look gay." And I never really knew what that means, like, what does it mean to look gay? But, um, I remember finding out about the pride parade in New York.

• 17:21Speaker 05

  For those who don't know what the pride parade is, it celebrates the LGBTQ community. And I remember finding out about it and I was so happy. I was like, "Here's my space, I'm gonna go there and I'm gonna have so much fun." It looked great, like, it's one of the biggest pride parades in the US, so it was just, I was so excited to get there. And I, um, so, I remember trying to get there, but like, something coincidental would always happen, like, it would just start raining and my mom was like, "You're not gonna go outside, you're gonna get sick." Or, it was my cousin's, like, graduation party and, like, we had to, like, throw him a party. We didn't even get him any cake, which kind of sucks, so I was there, like, for what? Um, and we also, or like, my friends didn't want to go with me, so like, I would have

• 18:06Speaker 05

  to go alone, like, whatever friends, they, like, ended up not going, so I was like, I didn't want to go alone, I was too nervous. Um, so I ended up not going and it just didn't, it didn't seem, year after year, it didn't seem like I was gonna be able to get there. Uh, I'm in junior year, I joined the Gay Straight Alliance in my school and I ended up becoming president of it. And I, as president, I proposed that we should go to the pride parade together. And it was just like, I was like, oh yeah, we just go together, it's gonna be great, we're all gonna have fun, like funded by school, whatever. Um, so, uh, everyone's like, yeah, let's go. And we created group chats, we had like messages, we had, uh, Facebook events. And it just seemed like it was gonna happen, like I was ready to, I was ready to go.

• 18:49Speaker 05

  And for, it's like, the pride parade is in June, so like April came up, May came up, and then finally it was June. And all of us were like, super excited, June twenty fifth was our day. And I remember June twelfth, I was sitting in my room and it was, uh, my dad always used to pay, um, play the news in the living room. And, uh, it would just be playing and I would be listening, not really listening, but kinda just in the back of my mind. And I remember hearing like a live report in Florida, so I got up and went to listen to it with my dad. And I saw that it was the Pulse nightclub shooting.

• 19:29Speaker 05

  It was a gay nightclub in Florida and forty-nine people were killed in a hate crime. And I just remembered feeling terrible, like we're so close to this date and someone like just goes and kills people in cold blood. And I just felt horrible. Um, and I already knew what was gonna happen, this was gonna be my thing, this thing that was gonna prevent me from getting to the pride parade. So I went through my, the next few days, I went through my messages and my Facebook events and people were dropping out, it switched from going to not going. People were like, oh, something came up, or, uh, my mom said I can't go anymore, or, um, some just flat out said like, I'm not going because I'm afraid it might happen here.

• 20:10Speaker 05

  What if someone uses that as motivation to attack, um, the biggest pride parade in America? And I just, it was, it was again, I wasn't gonna go and I felt so disappointed because I knew that I was. I'm gonna go away for college, I wouldn't be in New York, so I was gonna miss this event. And I, I just, it was just another year of me not going. And I went to my mom, because my mom is my best friend, and I told her, like, uh, I was just crying to her, and I was like, "Mom, I like feel terrible, I just really wanted to go, and this is, I'm not gonna go," and I'm just so frustrated. She says, "Relax, if no one's gonna go, I'll go with you, because no one's gonna prevent you from loving who you love." And it was set.

• 20:50Speaker 05

  Uh, June 25th, it was me, my mom, and my three close friends, and we were on the train going to the Pride Parade. We watched the colors of, the, the dull colors of like just the streets in the city transform into like these magical rainbow colors. And there was like people boarding, and they had like rainbow outfits, like crazy outfits, like frilly, like puffy, everything, and it looked, it was just great. They were making their own way to the Pride Parade, so I was getting more and more excited getting there. And I remember we got to the streets of Manhattan, and it was packed, like there was, it was like impossible, like there was bars everywhere. You would have to walk three blocks down just to get to the block that you were like right by.

• 21:30Speaker 05

  Um, and it was like, I remember going from, I had my own like rainbow outfit, I had like a, a rainbow Star Trooper shirt. I had a flag that I wrapped around my neck, like a cape that I bought for like fifteen dollars, which I realize now is really expensive for a flag. Um, I had a rainbow bandana, and it was just like, I was so excited. I went from the back of the crowd to the middle of the crowd, to the front of the crowd, next thing I know, like, I'm giving high fives to people in the parade. I'm seeing like all these big floats, I'm getting like stickers and fans, and it was just like great. I was having so much fun, and I just wanted to scream like, "Take that, homophobia." And I remember taking a whole bunch of pictures on my way back from the tri- um, from the Pride Parade.

• 22:12Speaker 05

  I was on the train, and I was looking over at the videos and the pictures, and I saw like this whole idea of looking gay. There were so many different kinds of like body types, hair types, like everything, skin color. And I just realized that there was no particular way to look gay physically. Looking gay was showing like support for what you believe in, showing support for your friends, uh, showing, just like being there and being confident in your identity. And I realized that that day, we were all proud to look gay. Thank you.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  That was Bethany Cintron. Bethany said that she made wonderful friends at that first Pride Parade, and they've met up each year since. She's looking forward to when they can all gather at Pride again. Since telling the story, she graduated from DePaul University. Congratulations, Bethany.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Next up is Jake Haller. He was also part of a high school workshop. This story was told while under quarantine on Zoom, so you won't hear any audience reaction. But there was lots of love and applause when he first told it to a room full of people. Here's Jake.

• 23:38Speaker 06

  Hello. So when I was younger, explaining myself was very common. And I hated that. When little kids came up to me on the playground and asked me, "Are you a boy or a girl?", I just ran away.

• 24:01Speaker 06

  It was a mix of not knowing how to answer this question and not wanting to answer this question.

• 24:11Speaker 06

  When they asked me if I was a boy or a girl, I didn't know how to explain to them that I was a little girl that liked liked Tinker Bell when all the other girls liked liked Peter Pan. I didn't know how to explain to them that I had a boy side of the closet and a girl side, and I picked every morning what I wanted to be. I didn't know how to explain to them that when they called me little boy, I liked how it felt, but I needed to correct them, and they needed to call me little girl.

• 24:46Speaker 06

  When I ran from these questions, I just wanted to be me. And I did that for a while. But one day, I was walking home from sixth grade and I walked into my house and Alex was sitting on my bed, on my couch, and Alex was my sister's, Sister Ananda's friend from high school. And he was just automatically cool just because he was in high school. But it was even cooler when I sat down on the couch with him and we talked about skateboarding and my likes and dislikes and he really found interest in me and I just felt amazing.

• 25:29Speaker 06

  But when Alex left that night and Ananda asked me how I liked him, what I thought, of course, I told her he was awesome. But she continued to explain to me that Alex was born a girl. And Alex lives fully now as a boy and she explained to me what this word meant. And she explained this word transgender to me.

• 25:58Speaker 06

  As soon as she told me what was possible, I grabbed the word and took it. Fireworks went off in my head that instant and I realized what was possible.

• 26:11Speaker 06

  I found this word that might just be the answer to all the people's questions. I found the word that finally described me. So I grabbed this word and ran to my room and only one night of that word bouncing around in my head, I knew it was mine. You see, it's different for everybody.

• 26:35Speaker 06

  Some people find the word and then find themselves, some people find themselves and then they find the word. But for me, I just needed that word and I needed that push. And I need the right moment to tell the world and this was it.

• 26:49Speaker 06

  So the next morning, I barged into my sister's room and told her I'm like Alex. I told her that I wanted to live as a boy. I told her I wanted to go by he/him pronouns. And Ananda grabbed me and hugged me and embraced me.

• 27:07Speaker 06

  And she told me she loved me and I told her that I couldn't wait any longer and I needed to tell my mom that night. So she sat me on her bed and we got everything in order. We made a list of names, we made a list of next steps, we did research. And in that moment, my heart was so full because I knew we were building me to be the person I was always meant to be. I knew these were big steps in my life. So as that night came along, I grabbed Ananda's hand and marched down the stairs. And I sat at my mom's desk and Ananda sat right down next to me.

• 27:52Speaker 06

  And I looked in my mom's eyes. And I told her, I'm transgender. I wanna go by he/him pronouns. I wanna use the name Jake. And in that moment, I looked in my mom's eyes and of course, I expected fear. I expected her to be caught off guard. But I looked in her eyes and all I saw was pure love. I saw a mother looking at her son. And all the memories came flooding back to me.

• 28:32Speaker 06

  I remembered her every now and then checking in on me and asking how I felt in my body. I remember all the conversations about the LGBTQ community and how she would constantly tell me it's okay for everybody to be who they are. I just felt pure love in that moment and I knew that that was my label. But my experience with that label and that word transgender did not stop there. As I grew up and as I got more settled with myself as a trans man, I found myself hiding.

• 29:15Speaker 06

  It felt like I was right back on the playground.

• 29:20Speaker 06

  I felt the need to prove myself as a man so much I was hiding myself. And that's how I felt until very recently. But I took a step back.

• 29:37Speaker 06

  And I thought about all my experiences and I realized I love the feminine parts of me. I love my experience as a little girl. I've loved my experience as a trans boy. Those experiences have made me the strongest man I could be because I had the strength to do that. I love that I'm not your normal man. And I love that women have made me the man I am today. I love and I hate the word transgender because I love it for helping me.

• 30:18Speaker 06

  But I hate it because it's not the only thing that defines me.

• 30:24Speaker 06

  I am who I am and my label is not a box. Thank you.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  That was Jake Haller.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  And this applause came from when he first told it live because we wanted him to hear it.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  To see an incredibly cute picture of Jake as a toddler with his two sisters, visit themoth.org where you can also download or share this story or any of the stories you've heard this hour.

• 31:07Speaker 00

  Over the years, I've enjoyed hearing stories from my friends about their journeys to define identity. I've found that each person's path is unique. But happily, many of us arrive at the same destination of learning to love ourselves. Growing up, it seemed like people had a lot of questions about my identity. Was I a boy or a girl, gay or straight? And what was my ethnicity or race? Trying to answer with the "check only one box on this form, please" type of responses that people seem to want was like trying to achieve a couture fit shopping suits on the clearance rack.

• 31:49Speaker 00

  In my late twenties, I began thinking more about my identity as an Eastern Shawnee person. I began connecting with the urban Indian community where I lived. In the larger society, I was used to always being an outsider. But as I began hanging out in the native community, I was surprised that people seemed to want me around, and I made good friends who taught me so much. There was an elder in the community that used to always call me grandson, and one day he asked me to help him run some errands. Afterwards, he invited me to go have a meal at our favorite diner, and as we ate, he began to talk about people

• 32:32Speaker 00

  from his tribe, who were not man or woman, but their own unique gender, and how they have been respected and loved as warriors, healers, leaders, and artists, both in the past and still today by people who know traditional ways. When he finished telling me all of this, he paused and then said, "I see who you are." The tone of his voice made me believe he did truly see me, and saw me with love and respect. It was a new, extraordinary feeling, and it encouraged me to heal and grow, and learn to love myself and others in the years since. My hope for each and every one of

• 33:16Speaker 00

  you is that you find a space in which you feel nurtured and love for exactly who you are, so that all of the talents and gifts you bring to this world can blossom.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  When we return, our final story, from a Portland, Oregon legend, a drag performer who's been at it for almost sixty years. That's next on the Moth Radio Hour.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  You're listening to The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Alastair Bain. Our last storyteller is someone I consider to be an elder of the LGBTQI+ community. He has a career as a female impersonator and cabaret owner that spans over six decades. Here is Mr. Walter Cole, aka Darsel, at the age of 90, telling his story in Portland, Oregon, where we partnered with Literary Arts. Here's Walter.

• 35:01Speaker 06

  Roxy invited me to a masquerade party. He said, "You will go ahead and drag, and I will paint you."

• 35:10Speaker 06

  "Okay." I went to his apartment. I walked in, and Max Factor had spilled all this makeup all over this table. All the colors of the rainbow, sponges, Q-tips, brushes, ready for me. He said, "Sit down, and I'll put the base on." He rubbed me so hard. He said, "Stop." I said, "Just stop. It hurts." He said, "I'm getting rid of your wrinkles." "I don't have wrinkles."

• 35:42Speaker 06

  He finished. He said, "Now, close your eyes. Open your eyes. Look left. Look right." He's putting paintbrushes all over my face. He said, "Now, open your mouth. Okay. Put your lips together. You're finished, except for the eyelashes." "I've got eyelashes. Not like these."

• 36:05Speaker 06

  He picked, Liza Minnelli would kill for those lashes. Put 'em on, he said, "You're ready and you look gorgeous." He had me a pair of fishnet hose, you know, with the holes in 'em. A French cut that cut clear up to here, but ruffles in the back. I swear it was a three-foot wig, black wig with roses in it. He put the wig on, he said, "You are now a flamingo dancer."

• 36:36Speaker 06

  I felt fun. It was fun. Here I was, thirty-seven years old, in my very first dress.

• 36:52Speaker 06

  We went to the Hoyt Hotel. I got in the car, but I had to take my wig off because it wouldn't fit. I had it in my lap the whole time. We got out of the car and I quickly put my wig on, and I walked in that hotel ballroom like a peacock, proud and happy, and very, very sure I was happily looking fabulous.

• 37:17Speaker 06

  And I looked to the, on the wall, a four-length mirror. I stopped, I took a look, and I said, "Walter, what the hell have you done?"

• 37:35Speaker 06

  That was a long cry from a little kid who was called Sissy Boy in Litton, Oregon, and bullied by everybody in school. I went to Lincoln Grade School, Lincoln High School,

• 37:56Speaker 06

  and I met a wonderful gal named Jean.

• 38:02Speaker 06

  We dated through high school.

• 38:08Speaker 06

  We graduated at the same time, in 1950. And in the 50s, if you had money when you graduated from high school, you went to college. If you had no money, you got married. We got married. We got married in the First Presbyterian Church. And Jean lost her mother when she was a child, and I lost my mother when I was 11 years old. After the reception, we took all the flowers over to the graves of our mothers.

• 38:46Speaker 06

  We started a life, a normal life. We did all the traditional things. I worked, she worked.

• 38:57Speaker 06

  We bought a house. I went into the military, came back. We had our first son. Our son was born 1955, Walter. And my daughter, two years later, Merity.

• 39:17Speaker 06

  I did it all right. I thought I was happy.

• 39:27Speaker 06

  And then I felt, no, I am not happy because I'm lying and cheating to the woman I love.

• 39:37Speaker 06

  One afternoon, the children were in school. I sat her down. I said, "Jean, I'm a queer.

• 39:48Speaker 06

  I like men." She said, "Why didn't you tell me this years ago?" And I said, "Because I want to be normal. I wanted to be normal, live a normal life. But it's impossible."

• 40:03Speaker 06

  I didn't leave the house because I didn't want to leave my children.

• 40:09Speaker 06

  One evening, I walked into a bar called Doll and Penny on 3rd Avenue.

• 40:17Speaker 06

  And at the bar was a handsome young man with a smile from ear to ear. I went over, I put my hand on his knee and said, "I'm Walter and I have a bar down the street." He said he was Roxy and he worked at the Hoyt Hotel. I said, "When are your shows?" He said, "Every night, five nights a week, at eight o'clock." "I'll be there tomorrow." He said, "Oh, sure." Well, I was there the next day. In fact, I was the next day for three months. We had a coffee after the show. I took him home. We talked, I took him home, drove him home.

• 41:00Speaker 06

  And for three months, this happened because I knew. I knew that this was, I wanted something more than being, to be a one-night-stand. I knew that this man is the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I left the home, I left my home. Roxy and I got an apartment. I told Gene the whole story. And we, we did wonderful things together. And he worked at the Hoyt Hotel. But the Hoyt Hotel closed and he had no job.

• 41:41Speaker 06

  So I'd come over to the bar with me and we'll work, you can work with me. He came over. He said, "Let's put a show on." I said, "What kind of a show?" He said, "A drag show." I said, "Okay, but it's not going to take me two hours to put the makeup on like I did last time." We didn't have a stage. We used a four-by-eight banquet table. With a home stereo system. And our spotlight, it wasn't really a spotlight. It was a slide projector. On top of the popcorn machine.

• 42:22Speaker 06

  Roxy did VD poker on roller skates on that table and didn't fall off.

• 42:31Speaker 06

  A drag queen joined us, Tina Sandel, she could do Proud Mary better than Tina could do it. I did Barbra Streisand.

• 42:41Speaker 06

  Of course, we all did Barbra Streisand.

• 42:49Speaker 06

  Roxy said, "You're gonna have to have a name if we're gonna keep this up." I said, "Well, how about, uh, uh, find one. I don't know. You don't want to call me Walter anymore onstage, no? You gotta have a stage name." So, he said, "Well, your dress is too gaudy, you've got too much jewelry on, too much makeup, and too much blonde hair. You can't be a Mary or an Alice.

• 43:18Speaker 06

  I think we should be French." He worked with Denise Darcel in Vegas. He said, "Darcel, not Dina, Darcel." So, we added a couple of letters to it, and I stuck with me, Darcel.

• 43:45Speaker 06

  One night, a reporter from Willamette Week came to see our show.

• 43:53Speaker 06

  She wrote an article with pictures about the best-kept secret in Portland, Oregon. That was it. The doors opened. And we were doing shows to the world.

• 44:11Speaker 06

  One afternoon, Roxy and I were walking downtown and we met Jean and Merity, my wife and my daughter. I didn't know how this was gonna go, and I got really scared.

• 44:26Speaker 00

  And I took a deep breath and cordial conversation for a while and we parted. Three weeks later, three weeks later, Mary called me and said, "Your mom wants to invite you, wants you to invite Roxy to Thanksgiving dinner." I was getting my family back, getting my family back. Gene, my family was back.

• 45:03Speaker 00

  I had Roxy and we were doing our shows. Had I not told Gene my secret, had I not found Roxy, I would have never, I would not be doing six shows a week at eighty-seven, eighty-eight years old.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  As a matter of fact, there wouldn't have been a Darcelle. Roxy died October last, but we had forty-seven years together of much happiness. Thank you.

• 46:13Speaker 00

  That was Walter Cole, AKA Darcelle. Recently, I was able to speak with Walter from his home in Portland, Oregon. How is the relationship with your family today? You became friends, or your wife became friends. We're, yes, with my family.

• 46:47Speaker 03

  My immediate family, we couldn't love each other any more than we do. I mean, we traveled together. We, in fact, my great grandson was a year old Sunday and we had a party at the, at my granddaughter's house and, and all of the son-in-laws and the grandchildren-in-laws and we just love each other and they go to the show a lot. I think they're very proud.

• 47:12Speaker 00

  That's wonderful and I just loved Darcel. And I'd like to know how you feel when you are onstage as Darcel.

• 47:23Speaker 03

  Well, I'm, I'm very privileged that I can still go onstage. I have difficult walking, but I have a rhinestone walker. It's just beautiful.

• 47:34Speaker 03

  You know, and you know, and it also lights up.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  Ah, that's wonderful. Darcel has become a legend, not only in Portland, but across the world. And what's your relationship like with Darcel? How would you describe her if somebody wanted you to tell them who Darcel is?

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Over jeweled, over painted, uh, oh, uh, hairdo for days and hopefully a snappy wit.

• 48:09Speaker 00

  And so what are Darcel's plans for the future?

• 48:14Speaker 03

  Well, I'm 90 years old. My plans for the future are tomorrow.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Or just afternoon.

• 48:24Speaker 03

  I can tell you one thing, you have to be happy. You have, if you're not happy with your job, with your companions, with your family, if you're not happy, what's the sense? We go, we'll go through this life one time. I wouldn't change one day of my life for 90 years, not one day.

• 48:47Speaker 00

  And before we end, I'd like to ask, does Darcel have any tips for us on fashion, life, anything else?

• 49:01Speaker 03

  Be who you are. Find out who you are and go for it.

• 49:09Speaker 00

  That was Walter Cole. How have you celebrated pride so far this month? Perhaps this hour has been the only chance you've had, and I'm glad you could join us. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how you celebrate pride. It only matters that you remember to carry that sense of pride and love for who you are with you throughout the year. That's it for this episode of The Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join us next time. And that's a story from The Moth.

• 49:51Speaker 03

  This episode of The Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison, Catherine Burns, Jennifer Hickson, and Alistair Bain. A regular Moth storyteller and writer from Denver, Alistair also hosted the show. Co-producer, Vicky Merrick, and associate producer Emily Couch. The stories were directed by Meg Bowles and Larry Rosen, with additional education coaching by Catherine McCarthy. The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Sarah Austin Jenness, Kate Tellers, Jennifer Birmingham, Marina Klucze, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Inga Gladowski, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Aldi Kaza.

• 50:32Speaker 03

  Sadly, Walter Cole, aka Darcell, passed away in 2023. Moth Stories are true as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music by The Drift. Other music in this hour from Chris Dirksen, Anat Cohen, Sister Sledge, Blue Dot Sessions, Michael Van Crooker, Bill Frisell, and Thelonious Monk. This hour was produced with funds from the National Endowment for the Arts. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. Special thanks to our friends at Odyssey, including executive producer Leah Reese Dennis. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us your own story, and everything

• 51:16Speaker 03

  else, go to our website, themoth.org.