Pod Insights The Moth The Moth Podcast: Family Matters About this episode On this episode, we’re talking family. Finding, reconnecting, and standing up for family. From a conflict in Eastern Europe, to a surprise email, we're learning why family matters. This episode was hosted by Jodi Powell.
Storytellers:
Alicia Kenworthy gets some unexpected news from Germany.
Stacy Staggs learns to live with her nephew.
Marko Ivanov takes care of his brother in a war-torn region.
Podcast # 910
Transcript 0:01 Speaker 00 Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Jodie Powell. And on this episode, family matters. Yes, we're talking family, finding, reconnecting, and standing up for family. First up, we've got a story about family finding you. Alicia Kenworthy told this at a DC Grand Slam, where the theme of the night was "Between the Lines." Here's Alicia, live at The Moth.
0:28 Speaker 01 So, one morning, about a year ago now, I was lying in bed and staring at my phone when I received a message via the contact form on my personal website. And now, to be honest, I'm not sure why I even keep a "Contact Me" form available for the World Wide Web. Mostly, what I get is spam. Although, one time, a lady from Vancouver, Canada, wrote to let me know she shares my name and also receives my Papa John's delivery notifications to her inbox. She just wanted to let me know the pepperoni pizza I ordered was on its way. So it has its uses. This message that I got, though, was different. It was well-written and with almost impeccable grammar, so clearly not spam.
1:10 Speaker 01 And it hailed all the way from Munich, Germany. "Dear Alicia," it read, "I do some family research, and I would really like to drop Ken Kenworthy a line. Ken Kenworthy may have known my biological mother." Ken Kenworthy is my father. So I Googled this German gentleman with almost impeccable grammar, and I came across his LinkedIn. And there was a photo of a man who is the spinning image of my father staring right back at me. And I took a deep breath, and I thought, how exactly to tell my father he too had missed a delivery notification?
1:57 Speaker 01 For a son. The thing is, my dad and I don't really talk. Like, not in any kind of dramatic sense. We talk. He's a retired Air Force veteran. He's done three tours in Vietnam. And if you put in the movie Top Gun, he can tell you all about which scenes are the most realistic and why. And from his stories, I've kind of gleaned the grand outlines of our family history. I know that he raised my three older half siblings as a single father, that he met my mother in a bar, and that I, obviously, am the best thing that ever happened to him. But, other than that, he's very businesslike and direct and to the point. And we just don't really do, you know, conversation. So I decided I would just forward the email with minimal commentary.
2:42 Speaker 01 So, just sent it along and said, "Hey Dad, looks like this is meant for you."
2:51 Speaker 01 And he replied about 15 minutes later, and he said, "Hi, Alicia. I will follow up on this."
3:02 Speaker 01 And so I waited for him to follow up.
3:06 Speaker 01 And as I was waiting for my dad to kind of process the idea that this German gentleman with almost impeccable grammar was most likely his long-lost son, I just started thinking about what the guy had written in his email. He claimed he didn't really want anything much from my dad, maybe a photo and some information about our family history. And I had lived 35 years up to this point without knowing this guy even existed. But in all of five minutes, I found myself wanting everything from him. I wanted to book a plane ticket to Bavaria and buy a dirndl and exchange stories in a beer garden. But from my father's end, there was radio silence. And, you know, my 82-year-old dad seemed to be taking his sweet time. One day went by, and nothing.
3:51 Speaker 01 Second day went by, and nothing. And finally, after like a week, I get a call, and it's my dad. And he asked me if I would like to go down to the waterfront to have a father-daughter talk. No reason at all.
4:07 Speaker 01 And we don't live anywhere near a waterfront, so
4:12 Speaker 01 he came and picked me up, and this being COVID, we both donned our N95 masks and we rolled down the windows and we didn't say a word to each other for the entire half hour drive in the car. And we drove down to Haynes Point and got out of the car and we walked around until we found an empty bench that seemed suitable for conversation. And there, my dad launched into the most convoluted story about airplanes I think I have ever heard. He explained all the different fighter jets they were developing in 1968 and what his personal training had been and why he was selected to train on one of these planes and sent to Germany and how he did a 4G inverted dive on a MiG-28. That's actually a line from Top Gun, for those of you who know the movie.
4:58 Speaker 01 Eventually, after about 20 minutes, I interrupted him and I said, "Dad, do I have a brother?"
5:05 Speaker 01 Two weeks ago, this German gentleman with impeccable grammar landed via a Boeing 787 at Dulles International Airport and my dad and I were there to welcome him at the arrival gate with a sign that said, "Welcome home." He was accompanied by his wife, Melanie, and the most beautiful 13-year-old little girl named Luisa, who is my father's only known grandchild.
5:35 Speaker 01 And we took them back to the house where Luisa's "Promoted to Grandpa" mug that she gave my father sits on the mantle. And after dinner, we sat around and watched Top Gun as a family.
5:49 Speaker 01 And then I got an email notification from 23andMe that said, "This guy is a total scammer and he's not your brother." No.
5:57 Speaker 01 The truth is, I don't really know how to end a happy story. I've been waiting for some sort of like twist the past few weeks to make it more interesting. But the truth is that Lutz is my brother and he fits into our family like a puzzle piece that we didn't even know was missing. And my dad and I are still searching for the exact expression to encapsulate that feeling, but I'm sure there's a German word for it out there somewhere.
6:32 Speaker 00 That was Alicia Kenworthy. Alicia is a writer, storyteller, former matchmaker, and once upon a time, reality TV talent, based in Washington DC. You can read her newsletter, Catelektik, on Substack. If you'd like to see photos of Alicia, her father and her brother, head over to themoth.org/extras. We emailed Alicia to see if there were any new developments since she told this story. Here's Alicia.
6:58 Speaker 01 It's been five years since I woke up to that unexpected email. Since then, we've been to Munich, Barcelona, and even Disney World as a family. We still talk every week in the family group chat, and my mom loves to brag that Lutz is a younger, even handsomer, version of her husband. My dad turns 86 this fall, and we're hoping to celebrate all together in person here in DC. Dad still needs to watch Top Gun 2.
7:22 Speaker 00 But Alicia wasn't the only one who let us know how they were doing.
7:27 Speaker 02 Through all these years, we've tried so hard to find a suitable German word for it, while we had to admit that there's simply not any expression for that feeling.
7:36 Speaker 03 Also, we cannot really tell how the situation exactly evolved, because everything just simply fits. In Germany, we have a word for things falling into place on its own. We call it Selbstläufer.
7:49 Speaker 00 Yes, that was Alicia's brother Lutz and her niece, Louisa. And if everything should one time click into place for me, I'll definitely know exactly what to say: Selbstläufer. Up next, we have Stacy Staggs, who told this story at the Louisville Grand Slam, where the theme of the night was "A Point of Beauty." Here's Stacy, live at The Moth.
8:17 Speaker 04 So, before our mom passed, she once said, "Your brother will fight his way out, your sister will con her way out, and then there's you. You're the one I worry about." It was as if I didn't have my own superpower, but all foster children do. It is how we remain resilient when life forces us to adapt. What was my superpower, you ask? I'm tenacious. I don't give up. If it's something I really want, I'll make it happen. If my initial way doesn't work and I see a loophole, best believe you can't consider that hole looped.
9:02 Speaker 04 My brother, the fighter, had chosen his path. His son was following in his footsteps. He was in safe custody and was in a treatment facility. My nephew George calls me one night from there. He sounded scared, didn't know where he was headed, and asked to move in. I might go lie to y'all, this triggered something in me as I thought about this life-changing decision. I was single, lived alone, just the vegetarian lesbian auntie minding her own business. I cuss, read tarot cards, and see a psychic.
9:41 Speaker 04 However, she did not tell your girl about this, so I may need a new one. As I thought about this decision, I had a lot of questions that ran through my mind. I've never been a parent. Will I be any good at this? What do they eat? And is my social life over? But the main question I kept coming back to was, could I live with myself if I didn't at least try? The answer was always no. So, George moved in. It's interesting living with a boy.
10:24 Speaker 04 I've never really done that. I don't know a lot about these creatures. They do eat meat, apparently, but jokes on him, I don't even know how to cook it. Chicken is not supposed to be pink, and I thought I was doing hot girl shit by trying a new recipe, and he thought I tried to kill him.
10:48 Speaker 04 He puts empty cereal boxes back in the cabinet. I do not understand this. He announces when he has to dookie. I've, I've literally never asked, not once have I ever asked, "Hey, George, do you have to poop soon?"
11:07 Speaker 04 He stinks, calls me bra, and obsesses about going through puberty. Just recently, he told me about his newly acquired armpit hairs. He should be a man any day now. I think that's how it works.
11:24 Speaker 04 So, this whole parenting thing, I think, is the hardest thing I probably will ever do. I don't even know what I'm doing half the time, or if it's the right thing to do. And I'm just out here trying not to traumatize a child any more than he already has been. I have a lot of push and pull with my own decision-making. You see, at his age, I was in group homes, residential facilities, one last foster home, then independent living, before aging out. So, my sense of normal is a bit non-traditional, I suppose. It is important for me, for George, to have normal childhood experiences. We did go to the beach last year, and it was his first time.
12:07 Speaker 04 He had a very sweet video that he had taken documenting his time at the beach. And just the pure joy that was on his face brought joy to my face. And I was like, "Oh, this must be the great part of parenthood, to see your child happy," right? And to think that I had given him that memory. I did. How cool is that?
12:32 Speaker 04 Thank you. It will not be a part of George's story that no one stepped up for him. When I made that decision, I not only did that for him, I did that for my own inner child to heal. You see, no one stepped up for me, and which left me feeling hurt, abandoned, and angry. As a child, I thought my family didn't love me, and after a while, you realize no one is coming to save you.
13:01 Speaker 05 Survival is different than living. I've only recently learned that I've lived most of my life in survival mode, always waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm working on living now. My mother doubted my ability to survive. Not only did I do that, but I'm bringing her grandchild with me to empower him in hopes that he will not just survive, but also live.
13:28 Speaker 00 That was Stacy Stans. George and Stacy live in Kentucky. Stacy works in corporate, leading people. George attends school, plays video games, accepts hot cheetos as currency, but has no idea why his tummy hurts. He still gets nervous when Stacy cooks. Their favorite pastime: mocking each other. We also checked in with Stacy to hear a bit more about how her nephew was doing. Here's Stacy.
14:01 Speaker 05 George is good. He has officially entered the next phase of his life with becoming a young man. He is shot up at least a foot. He towers over me now. His voice is changing, and he lovingly says he finally has more mustache hair than myself. He likes to spend his time playing with friends, playing basketball, playing video games, and roasting me. It's great. I love it. Yeah, life is good.
14:38 Speaker 00 We're so glad to hear that. We'll be back in a second with another story all about family.
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15:45 Speaker 00 Our final story is about relying on and taking care of family, even when the world is in a pretty dark place. Marko Ivanov told this at the Chicago Grand Slam, where the theme of the night was "Between the Lines." Here's Marko, live from the mall.
16:06 Speaker 06 My brother Nikola is laying in bed in front of me, crying. And it is not one of those whiny, cranky cries. It is this deep, inconsolable cry.
16:20 Speaker 06 And he's whispering, "I want my mom. I want my mom." He's eight and I'm 13, and we are alone. We're in this apartment, just the two of us. I make sure he eats, he brushes his teeth, he does his homework. But there is one thing I can't do that he really needs at this time. I can't give him his mom. So I do the best that I can. I lay next to him, I hold him. And as I do, I think, "I want my mom too."
16:58 Speaker 06 It is September 91, and the civil war is raging in Croatia, former Republic of Yugoslavia. Nikola and I are in Belgrade, Serbia. Last time we saw our mom was about a month ago, when she snuck us out of our hometown city in Croatia, drove us to the airport, gave us a hug and a kiss, and then turned around to go back in the city that was under siege to be with my father. Now we are 400 miles apart while they're hiding in the city as the fierce fighting is going on.
17:32 Speaker 06 I spent countless hours at night dialing that, spinning that dial on a rotary phone until my finger is bloody, with the hope that I can connect the call to them. And when the connection is established, they say they're okay, they're fine, don't worry, we will be soon together. My dad, who's a pilot for decades, to make me feel better, he brings the phone closer to the window so that I can hear mortar shells exploding. He says, "They're not that loud, they're not that close." And I believe him. But it's been a couple of days and we haven't heard from them, and we miss them. Now officially, we are refugees, but I refuse to admit it.
18:16 Speaker 06 Refugees are those people you see on TV, on nightly news, in dirty clothes, living in tents and camps, they're homeless. We're not homeless. We're living in an apartment that my dad's best man had when, before he passed away. I enrolled us in school, I cook, I clean, I do laundry. I do everything that I can. But, we're not refugees. Now, despite all that, it's thirty days, and we're running out of money. So a family friend promises that they can lend us money, but we need to visit them
18:59 Speaker 06 in the city, it's about an hour away bus ride. So I tell Nicola, "Wipe your face, pick up your jacket, let's grab that bus." And as we're walking to the bus station, I have an idea. I know how to make him feel better. I can't get him his mom, but I can give him the next best thing: a grilled sausage.
19:24 Speaker 06 See, Belgrade is full of these burger and sausage bars that when you walk by, you get this whiff of grilled sausage and you just can't not stop. And whenever we visited as a family in the past, we would enjoy this delicacy. And I love grilled sausage. And in this moment, it's not just about the food. I think it's about being normal. So I buy one, I split it, I give him his half, and we sit on that bench waiting for the bus, savoring the sausage. When we get on the bus, it's hot, it's crowded. Smell of sweat, not sausage, permeates the air. People look miserable.
20:07 Speaker 06 The war has been going on for a while. Serbia has flooded refugees. Some people give us these pitiful looks because they can hear our Croatian accent. And as I see conductor approaching us, I know that our sausage plan is backfired. See, I don't have enough money for two full tickets. So when he comes to me, I say, "I need one full-price ticket for myself and a half-price ticket for my brother." And he says, "How old is he?" And I lie, "Six." Now, as he's writing me the ticket, Nikola, who's sitting down, is tugging on my pants. "What did he ask?" And I say, "Nothing," curtly. But Nikola can't be stopped.
20:52 Speaker 06 "He said something about me. What did he want to know about me?" So I tell him. "He wanted to know, 'How old are you?'" And with the proudest face and with the loudest voice, he says, "I am eight." Everybody on the bus, including the conductor, is smiling. Even those people that I judge, they're entertained. But I am crushed. As he hands me that half-price ticket, I have this heavy realization. We are broke. We don't have a home. We don't have our parents.
21:35 Speaker 06 And even though we have these kind people and friends, if not for them, we will be on the street homeless. We are refugees. That feeling stays with you forever. A few days later, I'm coming home from school. I take the elevator to the 16th floor of our building. And as I put the key in the apartment's door, I hear Nicola talking to someone. As I open the door, I can see a green military kit on the floor with my dad's shoes next to it. And I know my dad is back.
22:20 Speaker 06 And if my dad is here, my mom has to be soon right behind him. Thank you.
22:38 Speaker 00 That was Marko Ivanov. Marko grew up in ex Yugoslavia and moved to the US at 17. A former electrical engineering and business student, he is now a senior vice president at TransUnion. He lives in the Chicago suburbs with his wife and two children and is a longtime Ravens fan. If you'd like to see some photos of Marko, his brother, and their family, just go to themoth.org/extras. We were curious to see what happened to Marko and his brother after the events of this story. So we asked him. Here's Marko.
23:12 Speaker 06 After reuniting with our parents, we stayed in Serbia where we lived under sanctions. At 17, I left for the United States, where I live with the American family that took me in. Four years later, during NATO bombing of Serbia, I was able to get my younger brother out, who joined me in the US as well. Today, all of us, including my parents, are living in the US where we were able to rebuild our lives.
23:39 Speaker 00 That's it for this episode. Whether you find your family through kin, friendship, or through chance, we hope that it's zevsloufer. And from our family here at The Moth to yours, we hope you have a story worthy week.
23:53 Speaker 07 Jodi Powell is a director and educator at The Moth who enjoys listening to and seeking stories from beyond the main corridors. Originally from Jamaica, she currently lives in Harlem. The stories in this episode were coached by Chloe Salmon, Kate Tellers, and Jodi Powell. This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Sollinger. The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Jennifer Hickson, Kate Tellers, Marina Kluchay, Suzanne Rust, Leanne Gully, and Patricia Orenya. The Moth Podcast is presented by Odyssey. Special thanks to their executive producer, Leah Reese Dennis. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching
24:38 Speaker 07 your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.
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