The Moth Podcast: Apples and Bananas

On this episode, we’re going bananas. And apples. Sorry, going apples isn’t a phrase. But we will have two stories about fruit, one about apples, one about bananas. This episode was hosted by Kate Tellers. Storytellers: David Harris-Gershon wears a very unique costume. Holly Rutter does some late night grocery shopping.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:04Speaker 01

  Welcome to The Moth. I'm Kate Tellers. On this episode, we're going bananas. And apples. Sorry, "going apples" isn't a phrase. The intro got away from me for a second. But we will have two stories about fruit. One about apples, one about bananas. First up, a very appealing story. Sorry. David Harris-Gershon told this at a Pittsburgh Story Slam where the theme was duped. Here's David, live at The Moth.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  So, I had never worn a life-size banana suit until the Passover of 1997. Now, a bit of context. That spring, as happens every spring in Athens, Georgia, when I was an undergraduate, there is something called the Twilight Criterion, which is a professional cycling race for cyclists, burgeoning Lance Armstrongs of the world, who on their way to Atlanta for a much bigger cycling race, come to Athens where, you know, around 10 or 11 o'clock at night, they close downtown and race 400 laps. Now, it is a drunken festive affair in Athens, Georgia. It's one of the larger on the calendar and invariably somebody... Gets drunk and stumbles vomiting into the raceway and causes multi-bike pileups, which means it is absolutely not to be missed.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  Unless, of course, you've promised your mother that that evening you would be celebrating Passover. Because as I soon learned, if you don't, you will be found and you will be punished. Now, I was not going to Hillel, the Jewish Student Center at the University of Georgia, that evening, eating matzah and listening to the exodus of the Israelis from Egypt over and over and over again. Instead, I was with my friends, we're eating burritos and drinking Bud Light, doing things that you should not be doing on Passover. And I wasn't thinking about my mother, but it was at that moment we were preparing for the race when my boss called. John from Ultimate Smoothies, a smoothie bar which I embarrassingly admit that I worked at pushing smoothies to pay for my way through college.

• 2:59Speaker 02

  So John calls and he says, "David, you gotta come open up the shop for me." And I'm like, "John, wait, it's 8:30 at night, what are you doing? You can't call me in to work now." And he's like, "David, just listen. I just, I'm late, I need to come to the store, but I can't get there, I need you to open it up, we're gonna make a killing, it's busy." Which was probably true. And he said, "Just open the store." And he said it really strange, and I thought it was strange, but he's strange. So I said, "Fine, just promise me that when you get there, I can leave and go to the race." And he said, "I promise, open the store and you can leave." So I was like, "Fine, I'm poor, I need a job." I go. So I get there and downtown Athens is bustling, it's happening, like it's what you would expect. And I get to the store and the lights are curiously on, so instead of using the key,

• 3:43Speaker 02

  I push through and who's behind the bar? John. And I'm like, "John, what are you..." And the first thing that he says is, "David, go get the banana suit." I'm like, "Wait, okay, first of all, a what banana suit? And what the fuck? You told me to come open up the bar and you're here." And he's like, "David, this will be opening the bar." And I'm like, as if I was supposed to know you were speaking metaphorically on the phone, but whatever, I'm poor and I need a job. So I go up to his office, turn off, there is a life-size banana suit up there. So I grab this thing, not feeling very happy about what's gonna happen next, and I come down and he says, "All right, David, just put this thing on." I'm like, "What the fu... Are you serious? You're gonna..." "Yes, David, put the banana suit on, I'm gonna give you some smoothies, you're gonna go to the grandstand, the race announcers are gonna make a killing, you're gonna do great." I'm like, "Fuck." So I put this thing on.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  It is as ridiculous as you would imagine a life-size banana to be. Arms, legs, out the banana, mesh face. He puts trays of smoothies and he kicks me out of the shop. So I'm walking into the streets of Athens. Coeds are giggling. People are parting as you would part if you see a banana holding smoothies. And I hobble and make my way to the raceway, up to the grandstand. And the race announcers are like, "Hey, everybody." Because I have Ultimate Smoothies on the front. "Hey, everybody, it's Mr. Banana from Ultimate Smoothies. Mr. Banana, what do you got for us?" And they shove the microphone in my mesh face. And I start spouting off some advertising that had something to do with ginseng. And I don't even know what I said. But basically, you know, I gave them the smoothies. They taste it and said, "Hey, everybody, this is great. Everybody, go to Ultimate Smoothies for some great smoothies." And I wave to the crowd, "Everybody cheers." And they're like, "All right, you can go."

• 5:13Speaker 02

  So I think I'm done. So I head down, waddle back towards Ultimate Smoothies. And I think I have made my own personal exodus. I think I'm done. When from behind me, I hear, "Hey, let's get the banana." I turn around, slow motion, a banana. I see two huge guys, beer-sloshing, red man in John Deere hats, coming towards me. I don't know what the fuck to do. So I just stand there. They hit me. I hit the ground. People are coming over to me like, "Mr. Banana, are you OK?" And they're pulling people off of me. And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm OK. The cops, they detained these jokers." And the cops come over to me to ascertain if I'm injured. And I'm not, because I'm wearing a banana suit.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  And they're like, "Mr. Banana, do you want to press charges?" And I look at the officers and I think about where I'm supposed to be right now. And I think about what I had promised my mom. And I look at them and I say, "You know what? I think the punishment has already been given." Thank you.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  That was David Harris-Gershon. David is a teacher and writer in Pittsburgh. As I record this, I am wearing banana earrings. In my house, we are inexplicably obsessed with bananas, so much so that my son had a banana-themed eighth birthday party and my friend handmade a five-foot banana pinata that she carried on several trains, along with her two children, in an over-hour commute from Harlem to Brooklyn. We split that banana, and I cleaned up yellow paper for days. Worth it. After the break, what an eve wants, what an eve needs. It's apples. This episode is brought to you by MUBI, the global film company that champions great cinema.

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• 8:53Speaker 01

  Welcome back. Our next story is about a different kind of fruit, one that keeps the doctor away. Apples. The fruit is apples. We already told you that. Holly Rutter told this at a London Story Slam where the theme was blunders. Here's Holly live at the mic.

• 9:11Speaker 04

  I didn't see this part of the room, so there's a little bit more people than I anticipated. I'm going to tell the story of the last online food shop I did.

• 9:22Speaker 04

  My life is really exciting.

• 9:25Speaker 04

  It was a few years ago, so I haven't online shopped since because it was a bad experience. Normally, what you can do is, in order to secure the delivery slot for the next day, you just kind of select an item and then you buy it. And then you can revisit it, maybe four hours later and add things. So I just kind of went on there. I picked the first thing that was on my previous delivery, which was a single apple. And then I complete my order. I pay for it. I maybe I go and do something else, watch some YouTube, have a cup of tea. And then I come back. Oh, this is also a Saturday night. I didn't mention that. I'm on my own on a Saturday night. And I...

• 10:09Speaker 04

  You can keep laughing because it was that sad. About midnight, I think, oh, I'm going to finish my order. You know, I'm kind of excited. I've got maybe a salmon I'm going to cook. And so I go on there to edit my order, and it tells me no. It says, "You can't edit your order now." And I was like, "Oh, no, I can though. Let me." And it says, "No, no, no. We can't let you edit your order after midnight because we're too busy packing your order." I was like, "No, you're not, though. Please let me change it."

• 10:40Speaker 04

  So it doesn't let me. So I tried calling, and I obviously can't call because it's midnight on a Saturday night. And even the people that work at Tesco are doing something. And I'm not. And so I think, oh, I don't know what to do. So I just, I kind of, I just have to go to bed, really. So I set my alarm. I set my alarm for 8:00 the next morning. And I think, well, you know, this is where my order comes. Also, it's a Sunday, so the delivery is double. So the delivery was six pounds.

• 11:06Speaker 04

  So I think, oh, well, this is happening. This is something that will always have happened to me and I can't change that now. So I think that's the worst thing. I think the worst thing I thought was maybe paying for the apple.

• 11:19Speaker 04

  But then I forget that a man has to give me the apple. I think, oh, the exchange is gonna be even worse. So I sat my lawn for eight. And it's between eight and 10, so I think, okay. So I'm kind of sat there, just, you know, biding my time, waiting for the apple to arrive. I don't have breakfast because, you know, the apple's coming.

• 11:39Speaker 04

  And I'm sat there, I'm looking out my window every now and again. And then I see the van, I think, oh, it's time.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  And then the van stops and I see him get out of the front, I think, oh, god. And then he goes to the back, he opens the entire side of the Tesco van. I see everyone's shopping and I think, oh, mine's such a small part of that.

• 11:58Speaker 04

  And I see him reach in and I'm looking the whole time. And he takes out a bag and then he's got the receipt. And I think, oh. And then he walks down my little road and I think, oh, god, do I say anything? So I lean out the door and I say, oh, it's for me, hello, it's for me. And he walks down and he's holding the bag with the apple in it. He's also holding the receipt and he looks from one to the other a few times.

• 12:24Speaker 04

  And then looks at me and I'm like, hi. And then he comes to the door and he says, is this a mistake? And I was like, yes.

• 12:34Speaker 04

  Of course it's a mistake. And then he says, did you not try and change it? And I was like, yes. This is the last resort for me also. Really didn't want this to happen. And then I say, are there any substitutions?

• 12:50Speaker 04

  And he looks like he's gonna cry for me. So, oh, can I have my apple, please? So I take the apple. He leaves. I've never eaten a bit of fruit so completely as my sixpence forty apple.

• 13:05Speaker 04

  I haven't done a Tesco or no shop since and I never will. Thank you.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  That was Holly Rutter. Holly is a writer and illustrator living in London. She loves dogs and hates coriander. That brings us to the end of our episode. Thanks so much for joining us. From all of us here at The Moth, we hope that your fruit baskets remain both fresh and full.

• 13:31Speaker 05

  Kate Tellers is a storyteller, host, senior director at The Moth, and co-author of their fourth book, How to Tell a Story. Her writing has been featured in McSweeney's and The New Yorker. This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, and me, Mark Sollinger. The rest of The Moth's leadership team include Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Marina Kluchay, Jennifer Hickson, Jordan Cardinalle, Kate Tellers, Suzanne Rust, and Patricia Uranya. The Moth Podcast is presented by Odyssey. Special thanks to their executive producer, Leah Reese Dennis. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.

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