Childhood Crushes: The Moth Podcast

This episode originally aired on January 15th, 2021 On this episode, stories of childhood crushes and all the fun and embarrassment they entail. Hosted by: Chloe Salmon Storytellers: Tim searches for the perfect gift to impress his crush. Janine attempts to woo her crush with her dance moves.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm your host this week, Chloe Salmon. There are few experiences as simultaneously embarrassing and thrilling as a childhood crush, whether you were brave enough to approach the object of your affections, or were more of a pining-from-a-far type. In this episode, we have two stories of childhood crushes, and all of the highs and lows they entailed. My very first crush was on Kyle S. in my kindergarten class. He had boy band hair, could run really fast on the playground, and just generally made my five-year-old heart beat fast. I don't think I ever had the courage to actually say one single word to him, a crush theme

• 0:47Speaker 00

  that would follow me through my childhood, but I still remember getting goosebumps whenever I saw him smile. Our first storyteller was a bit braver than I was in his pursuit of young love. Tim Lopez told this story at a New York City Grand Slam, where the theme of the night was "Fuel to the Fire." Here's Tim, live at The Moth.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  All right, hello. All right, so it was the first day of 6th grade, which was the last year of elementary school, and the quasi-romantic but completely non-sexual tension was running high. Years of simmering feelings, required and/or unrequited crushes, and general pre-teen angst had come to a boil in this, our last year altogether, before being scattered to the winds of junior high. Everybody knew who they liked, everybody knew who they like-liked, and the social order was basically pretty much determined. And there was this crazy sense of urgency in the air, you know, like a manic, it's "now or never" kind of feeling, you know, like Europe before the war.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Into this powder keg of, you know, proto-hormones walked what can only be described in today's terms as a game changer. Her name was Renika Powers, and she sauntered into our classroom, and if she'd sprung from the pages of a J. Crew catalog. She had very long, curly blonde hair, bright blue eyes, faint dusting of freckles, and this like kind of perfect smile framed by these absolutely symmetrical dimples. She was, empirically speaking, the cutest girl of all time. And in addition, you know, she had some personality, you know, she had panache, you know, style. And as soon as she walked into our classroom, you could practically hear the sound of our collective innocence shattering.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Every guy immediately fell into some kind of love with her, and fierce competition ensued to see who could get her attention. Now, personally, I felt like I kind of had the inside lane on this. I was the class comedian. I don't say clown, because I feel like it demeans my work. And people really seemed... You know, I knew where I stood, you know, I felt like I was respected among my peers, you know, I felt like all I really had to do to get her was turn on the proverbial charm. Unfortunately, it became abundantly clear early on that she was more bemused than amused by my antics. I tried everything, you know, I pulled out all the stops. I started with some physical slapstick stuff, that was kind of a specialty of mine at the time. When that didn't work, I moved on to kind of some more cerebral things, topical references, nothing, and nothing was landing at all.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  And everything really hit a low point this one time, out in the playground, we were all out there, I was doing some bits. Things were working, I felt like everything was fine, I was getting laughs, and then when it kind of died down, Renika says in front of everybody, "So, do you think you're funny?" And I said, "Well, yeah." And she says, "Huh. You know, I just don't think you're quite as funny as you think you are." I mean, which is like, ouch, you know, but A, she was right, let's be real, B, who even says that, though? And, you know, C, she basically like dismantled my entire, you know, 12-year identity of

• 4:09Speaker 01

  my own self as a human being, in one sentence, which, in this perverse way, just made me like her even more and want to impress her. So, after that, I really toned down my act. I backed off quite a bit, until Christmas time rolled around, and it was time for the annual Secret Santa. And, you know, I pulled the name out of the hat, I unfolded a little piece of paper, and I saw the name written in purple ink, Renika Powers, with a little heart dot over the I. And I thought, "This is perfect, this is my chance, this is my chance to impress her." And so I went home, and I told my mom, I said, "Mom, you know, there's this girl that I like at school, and, you know, I have to get her a gift for Christmas, and I want something that's going to really impress her." And my mom said, "Okay, how about jewelry?" And I said, "Jewelry sounds good." So we went to the mall, went to Macy's, and we picked out this brooch. It was like a gold...

• 4:53Speaker 01

  It was a great brooch, all right, it was gold. It was a reindeer, and it had like a little red, clearly fake ruby nose. And so I was like, "All right, that's good, that's, you know, this is seasonally appropriate, it's classy, I like it, I'm into it." We're driving home, and I just had this feeling, like, "I don't know about this, I don't know, this just doesn't have enough punch, you know, it just doesn't have enough panache." And so the next day at school, our class went to go visit the 3rd grade class in their exhibition of gingerbread houses, an annual tradition. And, you know, as we're all in line, I'm a few steps behind Renika on a friend, and we get to this one gingerbread house, it's very ornately decorated and festooned with these gourmet jelly beans. And Renika says to her friend, "Oh my god, gourmet jelly beans, I love these." And her friend's like, "What are gourmet jelly beans?" And she's like, "You know, they're like regular jelly beans, except they have these like

• 5:37Speaker 01

  crazy flavors, you know, like root beer, and coconut, and margarita." And her face totally lights up, and she's like, "I love gourmet jelly beans." And I look, and I'm like, "That's it, gourmet jelly beans." Like, I go home to my mom, I'm like, "Mom, we have to go to the mall, now, I need to get gourmet jelly beans." And my mom says, "What are gourmet jelly beans?" And I'm like, "They're just, like, they're regular jelly beans, except they have these like crazy flavors, you know, like margarita and pina colada." And my mom says, "Are these for kids?" And I said, "I don't know, and I don't care." So she drives me to the mall, I go to the Sweet Factory, I'm about to buy a pound of jelly beans, and then I decided to buy two pounds of jelly beans, because I'm like, "This is, I'm not going to blow this for lack of jelly beans." So, I get the jelly beans. The next day is the big reveal of the Secret Santa.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  I go over to her, and I, you know, I hand her the brooch, it's nicely wrapped and everything, and she opens the brooch, and tepid response, she's like, "Oh yeah, this is nice." And I'm like, "Thanks." And I was like, "And also, I got you this." And it's a bag, and it's very wrapped, and she opens it, and she pulls out the jelly beans, and they absolutely killed. She, I just saw the look on her face change. She went from kind of like this neutral like huh, to like, she literally did the "awww", and then she said, "How did you know?" And I said, "I just knew." She comes in to hug me, she wraps her arms around me, and we share this kind of hug, and I, you know, I feel her like cable knit sweater under my hands, and like, her hair is like on my neck, and I feel something in the pit of my stomach that I've never felt before.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  And we take a step back from each other, and she looks at me, and she gives me a look that I've definitely never seen before. And the next day, she shows up at school, wearing the brooch, and she's my girlfriend. And, yes. And you know, it took many, many, many more years for me to realize that, you know, getting a girlfriend and keeping a girlfriend are two completely different things. But that's a different story. Thank you very much.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  That was Tim Lopez. Tim Lopez is a storyteller and teaching artist from Los Angeles. His stories have been heard on public radio stations and podcasts, far and wide. He is also an educator with The Moth Community and Education Programs, where he works in local communities and with high school students to craft and perform true personal stories in New York City and beyond. Our stories this week gave me a very good excuse to get nosey and ask some friends to share their own experiences of past crushes. So, before we hear our next story, here's one from Moth host, Dame Wilburn. She said, "His name was Marco, and we were sworn enemies from 4th to 8th grade.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  During a school trip to the sand dunes, when I was sitting with my knees bent, Marco sat in front of me and leaned his back against my legs. It was the first time a boy touched me, and 34 years later, he still crosses my mind whenever I see sand." Phew, Dame, my goodness. Truly an 8th grade romance for the ages, honestly, just a romance for the ages. And Marco, if you're listening, drop us a line. You can find us @mothstories on Instagram.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  Up next on the podcast, Janine Hilling. Janine told this story at a Story Slam in Melbourne, Australia, where the theme of the night was creepy. Here's Janine live at The Moth.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  At 13, I was a small-town bogan with a bad attitude and an even worse haircut.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  But the man in my dreams, he was everything I wasn't. He was handsome, he was sophisticated, he was from the city. He was also 23 years old and my teacher.

• 9:40Speaker 02

  And look, nowadays, when I think about Mr. Chow, I realise he wasn't really all that. Like, he was just an average-looking guy who wore the same jumper to school every single day. And it looked like it was made out of cat hair and tinsel, but back then, that wasn't the deal-breaker that it might be today.

• 9:59Speaker 02

  At first, at first, I watched Mr. Chow. I loved Mr. Chow from afar. His house was just behind ours, with just a vacant block in between. And so after school, when my parents were at work, I'd stand on the back veranda with a winny red and a pair of binoculars that I borrowed off my mum's friend Sue.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  And I'd watch him.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  And sometimes I'd get my camera and put it in between, like a really shit paparazzi, and try and get candid shots of Mr. Chow taking his bins out.

• 10:33Speaker 02

  And that was okay for a while, but eventually, I decided it was time to make my feelings known. It was a risky move, but I knew just the person to help me with it. My friend Jo had an extensive collection of Cosmopolitan magazines, and we were convinced these things would help us find a way for me to impress Mr. Chow and make him want to be my boyfriend. So we read these things, cover to cover, and eventually, we found an article called something like "10 Easy Ways to Sneer a Man" or something terrifying, like Cosmo, like that. And the way we went with was like a nightclub situation, where I could use these man-eating moves that I would learn from the accompanying article to seduce the object of my desire on the dance floor.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  And this was perfect, because we had a school disco coming up the very next week. So all week, I practised my moves, and I picked out the sexiest song I could think of. And by the time the disco came around, I felt like I was ready.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  So there we are, me and Jo at the disco in the car park, neck half a bottle of Carrington blush, have a couple of quick darts, and I'll wobble up to the DJ booth, one glassy eye on Mr. Chow, who's over there in the corner, completely unaware of what is about to go down.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  I have a quick word with the DJ, who winks and puts on my song, "AC/DC, You Shook Me All Night Long."

• 12:04Speaker 02

  With moves that look probably nothing like the ones in Cosmo, I advanced towards Mr. Chow. And the thing I remember after all this time is just the look of pure horror on this guy's face as he saw me coming. He looked around for another teacher to help him, but everyone, everyone was busy. He was all alone.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  I advanced, he retreated.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  I circled him like a sheepdog, eventually dancing him into the corner, where he remained, presumably, in a state of shock for the rest of the song. And I say presumably, because by this time, I was so intent on nailing my man-eating moves, I wasn't even paying attention to him anymore. I wasn't dancing with him. I wasn't even dancing for him. I was dancing at him.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  When the song was over, I turned on my heel and I walked straight out of there, because, according to Cosmo, this would add an air of mystery to the whole thing.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  And leave the object of your desire feeling like he didn't know what had hit him.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  So Jo joined me shortly afterwards and confirmed that A, my dance moves had been off the hook, and B, Mr. Chow definitely looked like someone who didn't know what had hit him. I was so excited to go to school the next day. I didn't know what this was going to mean for mine and Mr. Chow's relationship, but I was pretty sure he was going to want to be my boyfriend.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  What I wasn't expecting was a trip to the guidance counselor's office.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  He had told her everything, and he'd even had the nerve to call my dance moves bizarre and inappropriate.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  I was gutted. Mr. Chow did not want to be my boyfriend.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  I was moved to a new class pretty much immediately after that. And although I still saw Mr. Chow around, when he wasn't quick enough to just duck into a doorway when he saw me coming, eventually, I just sort of filed that away in the part of my brain that I reserve for all of the many humiliating things I've done in my life.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  But nowadays, when I think about it, like, part of me is just absolutely horrified that I could have done anything quite that creepy. But there's another part of me that's almost a little bit proud of that dumb, horny little dirtbag.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  Who was trying so hard to be the sassy, sophisticated dirtbag she eventually became.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  That was Janine Hilling. Janine is a Melbourne-based writer and storyteller who comes from a long line of tailspinners. Her stories have been featured on ABC Radio National in Australia, and she's currently working on her first novel and a collection of short stories.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Crushes, like most things from our childhood, can be kind of cringey to reflect on. But the stories in this episode remind us to look at the golden parts as well. The butterfly rush, the vulnerability, and, yes, the laughter. In that spirit, I'll leave you with one last crush moment from Moth assistant producer, Adrian Bento. Adrian said, "From fifth grade through high school, I would write all my crushes' names on a hidden spot on the wall in my bedroom. We painted the room recently, but you can still see faint Sharpie underneath the white paint." Thank you to everyone who shared a moment or a story in this episode, and to you for listening. From all of us here at The Moth, have a story-worthy week.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Chloe Salmon is a producer on The Moth's main stage and Story Slam teams, a director on the main stage, and a member of the Pitch Line team. Her favourite Moth moments come on show days. When the cardio is done, the house lights go down, and the magic settles in.

• 16:32Speaker 00

  This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by me, Julia Purcell, with Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Chloe Salmon. Moth's stories are true as remembered and affirmed by storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.