Pod Insights The Mel Robbins Podcast The tool you need for ANY family situation | Mel Robbins About this episode The Let Them Theory has truly changed how I show up in my family. It’s made me a better mom, wife, daughter, sister…
And it will forever change the way you think about relationships, control, and personal power. Wherever you are in life, this book gives you the mindset and tools to unlock your full potential. It all begins with two simple words.
You can order your copy today 👉 https://a.co/d/jiyBNlZ
P. S. We had a few tech issues at the end of this livestream so thank you for bearing with us! You just gotta say “let them!” 😉
Transcript 0:00 Speaker 0 I'm so excited. Um, I want to give a chance. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Um, I just realized I have my name tag on. Um, I'm here in the studio in downtown Boston, taping interviews for the Mel Robbins podcast, and our team wears name tags uh when we're at work. So I'm gonna take this off. But something crazy happened to me when I was at an exercise class this morning. I want to share it with you, but I want to give everybody a chance to roll in. And here's how this is gonna go this morning. Tell me where you're watching from. And I am going to uh just have you say good morning to everybody that is watching with you, that is joining the live stream this morning. I'm gonna tell you this crazy story, and then I am gonna answer a bunch of questions.
0:50 Speaker 0 I was live yesterday talking about my new book, The Let Them Theory, and I got an avalanche of questions, and we're gonna focus today on how you create better relationships with your family with the person you're dating or that you're married to, how you create a better relationship with your adult kids or with your siblings. And so if you do have questions, I want you to put them in the comments. And if you are interested in the book, the let them theory, all the information is below. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Uh, you have made the let them theory within just two days of announcing it, the number one audiobook in the world on Audible, the number one selling hardcover book in Canada and the number three selling hardcover book on all of Amazon.
1:41 Speaker 0 And we're just getting started uh talking about this amazing tool. And so this morning, what happened is I got up at 540. Horrible. Let's just start right there, horrible. And actually, I should show you the photo. Do you have the photo of me this morning? Horrible, you guys. You want to see what I look like at 540 in the morning. This is what your friend Mel Robbins looked like at 540 in the morning. Okay, so I got up and I walked to a local gym because I cannot motivate myself, be careful on the table because we're rocking this thing like a ship. Sorry, everybody. Um, I cannot motivate myself or don't want to in the hotel. So I go to this exercise class, I do this exercise class, hardest exercise class ever.
2:28 Speaker 0 Plus, I have crazy clown hair. And this woman comes up after class, and she was adorable. And she said, Mel, Malmel, I saw that your book is out. I saw you on the Today Show. I love the let them theory. I love saying let them. And I have bought everyone in my family a copy of the let them theory book because I'm giving it to them for Yankee swap. And I said, Well, why did you do that? And she said, Because I've been using the words let them, and then the second part of the theory, which is let me with my mom. And I've never felt closer to my mom by using this theory. And I've had the same experience. My mom and I have the kind of relationship where we're so similar that we really, really love each other, but we are like oil and water with a match in a matter of days.
3:20 Speaker 0 Like we're great for one or two days. We're each other's huge fans. By the way, I'm like this with both my daughters too. We love, love, love each other, but we're all kind of very similar. And you know how do you have somebody like that in your life? Who is that in your life that you really love them? But if you spend a little too much time together, an hour, maybe two days, you just want to kill them. You know that feeling. Well, one of the things about the let them theory that we're going to talk about today is this really shocking thing about relationships, that the more you stop trying to control other people, the more you stop managing other people, the more you stop expecting other people to behave how you want them to behave, the more control you have, and the more space there is for you to create a deeper connection.
4:15 Speaker 0 And so I'm gonna dig into a bunch of questions that I got during a uh live stream that we did yesterday. And one of the things I'm gonna point out that I really want to acknowledge you for is that I think whether you have a really close relationship with your family or your siblings or the person that you're dating or the person that you're married to or your adult kids, intrinsically, I think we all wish we could have a better relationship, right? That you wish there was less frustration, you wish there was less tension, you wish you could really connect and truly experience more joy and more support from one another, right? And I feel the same way. And so one of the things that I really love about the questions that I have from you guys, and that I would love to, you know, see in the comments as I'm broadcasting, whether you're watching on Facebook or you're watching on Instagram or you're watching on LinkedIn or you're watching on YouTube.
5:19 Speaker 0 I would love for you to, you know, what is the per who's the person in your life that you wish there was less tension, that you wish that things were just a little bit smoother. And I'm gonna teach you today how to use the let them theory and two words, let them, and then part two, let me to start creating better connections with people. Okay. So this question comes from Instagram from Sam. How do I use let them with my adult children? Oh, this is a great question. So they're the book itself is divided into eight sections. And the book is truly about how you use the principle of the let them theory to stop trying to control things that are beyond your control and to focus on what you can control.
6:06 Speaker 0 And one of the things that has become a really big pattern in relationships today, especially with adult kids and parents, because we all tend to micromanage, at least if you're kind of my age, I'm 56. I've got kids who are 25, 24, and 19. My instinct, because I want the best for my kids, I worry about my kids, is the second there's any kind of issue, I want to jump in and fix it. The second that they are struggling, I want to tell them what to do. That is the exact opposite of what you're going to learn in the let them theory. In fact, section two of the book, which begins on page 95, is an entire section about family. You want to hear the title of the first chapter of section two, how to love difficult people.
6:54 Speaker 0 One of the things about family that is amazing is family teaches you how to love people that you hate sometimes, how to love and support people who you disagree with, how to love and support people that you don't like and who maybe don't reciprocate. And so you're gonna love for adult children section two of the book and section six, which is all about how you can provide support without rescuing people. And the major mistake that we parents are making right now is that we are rescuing our children, and I'm talking adult children here. There's a nuance about how you use the let them theory with little kids. There's a guide in the back of the book that you can get about how you use the let them theory with little kids, but I'm talking about adult children.
7:46 Speaker 0 You have to learn as a parent to let your adult children face the natural consequences of their decisions, of their actions, and of the things that they don't do. If they need to learn that if they're not gonna put in the work at school and they're gonna get a 2.3, and then all their friends are gonna get a job, and then they can't get a job, they need to learn the consequences of their decisions. And you're gonna learn the reason why this matters from some of the world's leading experts in neuroscience and in relationships and in psychology. The simple fact is, everybody, you cannot want someone to change more than they want it for themselves. You cannot want your adult kids to be motivated if they're not motivated.
8:34 Speaker 0 You can't want your adult kids to get a job when they don't want to. You can't force people to change. And the biggest mistake that we make as parents, and you're gonna learn this is you got to let your kids fail. You got to let your kids be upset. You got to let your kids go through heartbreak. You got to let your kids get rejected from college and medical school. That happened with Oak, our son Oakley, three schools in a row that were her top choices. Nope, nope, nope. The third one held them on a wait list all the way through the summer. Nope, nope, nope. Those things are so important. You got to learn to let them fail. You need to learn how to let them feel disappointed.
9:19 Speaker 0 You need to learn how to let them face what's happening in their life. Because every time you rescue somebody, you they're gonna continue to drown because you stepping in and fixing problems. You know what that says? That says, I actually don't believe in your ability to handle this. And so you're gonna learn how to go let them, even though it's really uncomfortable to see somebody that you Love struggling, whether it's your child or it's your aging parents as they get older and they start to lose the capacity to be making decisions that seem rational, not talking about safety here, not talking about safety. But the truth is when it comes to adult kids, learning how to let them live their lives and stand on the sidelines and be their biggest supporter and be there to say, what do you need when they fail?
10:14 Speaker 0 You can get through this, but don't solve the problem for them. That's how you create the space for a person to feel seen. That's how you create the space for a person to be themselves. And by the way, when you say let them, and then you go, okay, let me let me take a step back. Let me not always jump in. Let me believe in their ability to figure this out and let me remind myself that the second they ask for help, I'm gonna be there. When you create that space, something extraordinary happens. First of all, you create the space for your child to tap into their own motivation and capability to change themselves and their lives and any circumstance they're facing. And number two, you create the space for them to step closer to you.
11:03 Speaker 0 You create the space for them to ask for support. You create the space for your child to feel uh like they are seen and that they are supported by you instead of constantly being micromanaged by you, which is so freaking annoying and only causes people to literally shut you out. And so that's how you use it with adult kids. Let them. I'm not saying it's easy. I am the world's biggest, let me jump in and fix it. I have had to train myself to let them let them be on their own timeline, let them learn from the consequences of their decisions, let them struggle financially, let them pay their bills, let them hear the word no, let them find out how difficult it is to find to get a job and let them know that you believe in them and let them know you're there to support them and to create an environment for change, but you're not doing the work because guess what?
12:01 Speaker 0 You cannot do the work for anyone else, your adult kids, your spouse, your parents, your siblings. No, this is a book about adult responsibility. It's about learning to let adults be adults and be responsible for their feelings and their actions, and you focus on you and be responsible for your feelings and actions, not as a jerk, not as like a cross arms, like you know, they're toxic. We've gotten way too quick to ice people out in today's world. And I want to teach you how to let how to use the let them theory to both let people live their lives and be themselves and have their opinions and let me focus on myself, but create this space where two things can be true.
12:46 Speaker 0 Your mom can be annoying, and you can still love her. You can be controlling and you can still back the heck off and give people the space to live their lives. Two things can always be true. And when you're the bigger person and you hold the space for what someone else needs to think, believe, and do and feel and what you think, believe, feel, and do inside all this space is where connection growth, inspiration, and support happen. It's absolutely unbelievable. And again, if you're interested, grab the let them theory book. You're gonna want this because everybody's going to be reading this, everybody's gonna be talking about it. People are gonna be saying, let them under their breath.
13:32 Speaker 0 My family uses let them with me probably a dozen times a day. Why? Because I'm a big personality, I'm super opinionated, I'm really annoying. There are times where my emotions wave up, and we're gonna talk about that today. That's a lot of what's going on in your family dynamics and in your relationships is that you navigate your life based on your parents or your spouses or your kids' emotions, that other people's emotions right now is the GPS that makes it. Am I gonna take a left turn? Am I gonna make a right turn? This is so hardwired in you, it's hardwired in me. Ironically, the person that's gonna walk in here today in the Mel Robbins podcast is the extraordinary uh Dr.
14:18 Speaker 0 Mate. I mean, we're gonna be talking about this very topic as he is sitting here with us talking about his new book, The Myth of Normal. And but you can use the let them theory to separate and detach from other people's drama, other people's opinions, other people's expectations, and truly focus on what's in your control and what's not. Um, I see so many of you pre-ordering the book. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot wait for you to get your hands on this puppy. Allie writes, Mel, I'm always the one reaching out to my siblings first, always. They put in no effort. How do I use let them? So, first of all, super common. And I know it sucks to hear this, but you have to let them.
15:04 Speaker 0 You have to let them. And here's why. Your relationship with your siblings is not your siblings' responsibility, it's yours. You can't control whether or not they will ever pick up the phone, whether they will ever reciprocate, whether they will ever plan anything. Their behavior tells you everything. It doesn't mean, by the way, they don't care about you. It might just mean that they are so raw caught up in their own life that they don't even think about it. Like you're a constant in their life, so they don't even think about it. And this is something you can change. But the first thing you have to do is recognize that there is nothing that you can do to actually change who your siblings are and how they participate with you.
15:53 Speaker 0 And this is the hard part, everybody. Because when you say let them, you are going to notice that you have a lot of friends and family members that actually don't reciprocate, that you're the one that makes the effort, you're the one that makes the plan, you're the one that gets the family together, you're the one that's always reaching out. And here's where you get to choose. This is the hard part of the let them theory. It's part two. This is called let me. Once you let them just live their lives and be who they are, you got to go let me decide who am I as a person, what do I value, and what kind of relationship do I want to create. You might be on this planet in this lifetime because you are the initiator.
16:40 Speaker 0 You are the connector. You're the one that's got it together, and you value this connection with your family, even though you're getting back less than you deserve. It matters to you to keep showing up because that's who you are. And so take the focus off of whether or not your friends are reciprocating and keep the focus on yourself. You reach out because this is just the kind of person that you are, and you reach out without expectation. You reach out and you stay connected because it matters to you to be in touch with your siblings. And by the way, this is how you get rid of guilt. Don't you dare be reaching out to your family out of guilt. See, when you reach out at out of guilt or obligation, you now turn your parents or your siblings or whomever into the villain, that it's their fault that you have to reach out.
17:36 Speaker 0 No, no, no, no, no. There's no guilt here, there's no obligation. This is just the kind of person you are. You're just kind of the kind of person that shows up. And if you have siblings that don't have the capacity or the interest to reciprocate, that's just data. It doesn't have to change how you show up. It you may decide I want to make less and an effort and pour more time into my friends, but I'm still gonna be amazing with them and I still care about them. And the second that they need me or they start like you have no idea. And so, what you're gonna learn in this book is how to create relationships based on your values and what you want and stop focusing on what the other person does.
18:22 Speaker 0 Because it's really not about them and their response, it's about who you are and how you show up and why you do these things. Because when you're the kind of person that's just like, I'm just proactive in life, I'm the person that is like the one that's reaching out because that matters to me. You know, I make a huge effort with my parents. My parents are right about this extensively in the book about how I don't live near my parents. And I hate that, but they're not moving out east. I'm not moving back to the Midwest. We have to make an effort. My parents, for example, they refuse to travel during the holidays because the airports are too busy. And yet they are mad that nobody's with them during the holidays.
19:10 Speaker 0 And so there's a stupid standoff. And you know what has helped me? Let them. Let them. If they don't want to travel during the holidays, let them. And let me continue to make the invitation, and let me every couple years make the effort with all five of us. Can you guys hold this phone so it stops shaking? Or let's move to like one of those tables. Sorry, we got like a table that's going like this, everybody. Um, and so thank you guys. Um, let them, guys. If they don't want to travel, let them. If they want to continue to host, even though you got to split time with your in laws, and then they're gonna be disappointed, let them be disappointed. They are adults. You know what's kind of cool about disappointment with your family?
19:59 Speaker 0 Why are they disappointed? Because they want to see you. Isn't that a beautiful thing to feel? That they're sad that you're not there. I mean, what's the alternative? Thank God that jerk isn't coming. I hate them anyway. You don't want that. Disappointment is like a form of love because somebody wants to see you, but it doesn't mean that you have to change your plans.
20:34 Speaker 0 And people can be disappointed and still love you. And instead of you twisting yourself in knots and draining all your energy and changing your plans and feeling like a terrible person, you can hold space for two things to be true. And you can also realize it's not your job to manage another adult's emotions. Let them feel what they feel. And then just show up in a way that makes you proud.
21:40 Speaker 0 But I am I know that you will be able to get this book internationally. Lots and lots and lots of foreign rights are coming.
21:57 Speaker 0 And so, you know, for a lot of people, as you start to use it, you're gonna go, oh wow, this feels like detachment theory. This feels like stoicism. This feels like uh radical acceptance. This feels like letting go. You're exactly right. You're exactly right. Let them and let me. The let me part is not something that is out right now. The let me part is something that I discovered as I spent the last 18 months researching this book and talking to neuroscientists and psychologists and people that are experts in happiness and relationships and looking at all the research. And you are going to meet all of these world-renowned experts in these fields who are championing this as a tool that you can use in modern life to leverage ancient wisdom, stoicism, detachment theory, principles of CBT.
22:58 Speaker 0 It's absolutely extraordinary how elegant this is.
23:27 Speaker 0 Any psychologist will tell you that is the more you focus on stuff you can't control, the more stressed out and frustrated you become. But the important thing that you need to understand is what do you do next? Yeah, it's really easy to go let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them. And you're gonna find yourself doing it nonstop. Let them do uh construction on a Monday morning, let them make a lot of noise in the apartment next door, let my mom be disappointed in me, let the person that I've been dating not be interested in a commitment, let me be the one that calls my family all the time, and they never call me back. Let them. You're gonna say let them a lot, and I'm gonna tell you why.
24:12 Speaker 0 Other people are really annoying, other people's behavior is very frustrating. We are relational human beings whose emotions travel between one another. And the thing is is that you are always going to be impacted by other people, let them. Let them is a moment of detachment. Let them is where you apply radical acceptance. Let them is when you become a stoic,
24:35 Speaker 1 and now you're tapping into
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