Pod Insights The Mel Robbins Podcast The 7‑Day Habit Reset: Start Today, Feel Different By Next Week About this episode Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them.
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If you are tired of your own excuses…
If you are tired of starting out strong, only to end up in the exact same place…
If you feel like you can’t get your life together…
If you feel unmotivated and exhausted…
That makes complete sense. The end of the year is almost here and you need a little PUSH to get over the finish line.
So Mel is giving you the simple reset you need to finish the year with energy and focus.
Today, Mel is joined by Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and bestselling author Charles Duhigg, and he’s breaking down the three small habits that will quietly reset your mind and body and change your life with the least amount of effort.
The 3 habits are small. They are doable, and they are designed to work when you’re tired, unmotivated, and fed up with yourself.
There is a reason this episode is dropping right now, on Cyber Monday. It’s because you don’t need a new pair of leggings or a tech gadget to make your life better.
You need just one hour to listen to this episode.
Forget complicated routines. Charles gives you the 3 things that work.
You’ll discover:
-The 3 most important habits to create the most possible change in your life, for the least amount of effort
-The mindset trick that makes "getting fit" MUCH easier
-The ARC Morning Formula to try tomorrow
-The “hot mind” vs. “cold mind” approach and why it matters
-How to motivate yourself to change your behavior
You will be able to quietly upgrade everything in your life.
This is not another productivity pep talk. It’s a playbook that you can start using today.
For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page:
https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-347/
Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast
I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode.
In this episode:
00:00 Meet the Guest
01:15 The Science of Habit: Rewire Your Brain
09:11 Keystone Habit #1: Exercise
24:00 Keystone Habit #2: Morning Routine
37:17 How to Use Rewards to Change Your Habits
41:36 How To Double Your Chances for Success
45:21 Keystone Habit #3: Track Your Progress
57:09 The Golden Rule of Changing Your Habits
1:04:39 You Can Change Your Habits
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Transcript 15,206 words · 2 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Mel Robbins? Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
0:09 Mel Robbins? You know, right about this time of year, I get so tired of my own excuses, don't you? I mean, aren't you tired of saying, "Okay, this week, it's gonna be different. This week, I gotta get my act together." And then you try to start sticking to that budget, or you try to read more instead of looking into your phone, or you finally are gonna try exercising every day. And look, I'm gonna give you some credit because you start strong, me too. You're excited to change, you're motivated, you're getting your act together. And then, life hits. You skip a day. Ah, you feel off. And before you know it, the whole thing falls apart. And then you're back to thinking, "What's wrong with me?
0:53 Mel Robbins? Why can't I get my life together like all these people I see online?" Well, let me tell you something. There is nothing wrong with you. You're not lazy, you don't lack discipline or willpower. You're just going about it the wrong way. I did too, for years. Because no one taught you the truth about how change actually works. I'm talking the simple science of it all. Well, that is gonna change today, and so is your life. Because today, you are going to learn the formula, based on research, for how to create change that sticks.
1:33 Mel Robbins? Change that snowballs, that rewires who you are. I'm talking habits. And you wanna hear something really exciting? Based on the research, there are just three simple habits, just three. Now, these three habits, the research shows, they up-level everything. Your focus, your energy, your confidence. Heck, you're gonna even learn that they make you spend less money. What? And here's the best part, these three habits, they don't require willpower. And if I can do them, you can do them. After today's conversation, you will be doing them too. Because you have the world's best instructor here today to help walk you through
2:14 Mel Robbins? step by step this extraordinary and exciting research and you're going to know exactly what to do. Our expert today is the GOAT of habit research. I'm talking a Pulitzer Prize winning researcher, a three-time New York Times bestselling author. I've been wanting this dude to be on the podcast since I started this thing two and a half years ago. His work has changed my life and it's going to change yours because once you understand how these three habits really work and you start using them to create positive change through every year of your life, you'll become the person you really want to be. So let's do this thing.
2:58 Mel Robbins? Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so fired up that you're here. I am so fired up about the conversation today because the person that you're about to meet, this expert, he has been on my wish list since I started this podcast. And if you're new to the podcast, I want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so thrilled that you're here. And if you're here right now because somebody shared this episode with you, well, you picked a winner of a conversation to listen to. Joining you and me today is none other than Charles Doohan. Charles is a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, a three-time New York Times bestselling author, and one of the most respected experts in the world on the science of behavior change.
3:42 Mel Robbins? He is also the author of the seminal book on habits, The Power of Habit. Now, this book was published in 2012 and it has sold millions of copies and has been translated into 40 languages. It has transformed how millions of people think about motivation, focus, follow-through, habits. His work has been cited in more bestselling books on behavior change than I can list, but there are two I know for sure, and those two happen to be the ones that I wrote, The Five Second Rule and the High Five Habit. Charles is lasering in on three particular habits that research say are the king and queen of all habits. And Charles will tell you that these are called keystone habits.
4:23 Mel Robbins? Based on the research, if you just focus on these three, they will create positive ripples through your entire life. So. Are you ready to meet the new you? I'm sure you are. Please help me welcome Charles Duhigg to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
4:41 Speaker 01 Thank you, Rhonda. This is such an honor for me. I really appreciate it.
4:44 Mel Robbins? Well, you know, your book, The Power of Habits, changed my life. It is the best, and it is the seminal, and it is the original incredible book about habits. The research is unreal. I cannot wait for you to unpack all that today. And I'd love to start by having you speak directly to the person who's listening. They do not have a lot of time, but they have found the time to spend it with you and me. And they cannot wait to learn about your research with habits, how to create a positive ripple effect in their life. Can you tell this person what might change about their life if they take everything that you're about to share today and they apply it?
5:22 Speaker 01 Absolutely, absolutely. So here's the thing I would say. Every habit can be changed. You can create as many habits as you want. You can change that habit that's been driving you crazy for years. You can change it. Because the way that habits work is that it's a very simple thing that happens inside our brain. And once we know how to take a habit and break it apart into its components, then suddenly, we can adjust anything that we want to in our life. So you can become any person you want to be. You can build the habits that make you into a marathoner. You can abandon the habits of drinking or overeating that have weighed you down once you understand how to change the habits.
6:03 Mel Robbins? I love that you started there because you said "simple." And to me, behavior change, on its face, seems simple, but it is so dang hard to do. And so you're seriously going to teach us how we could create habits that change who we are, make more money? That's a habit?
6:23 Speaker 01 Absolutely, absolutely. You're exactly right. It is simple. That doesn't mean it's easy.
6:27 Mel Robbins? Okay.
6:27 Speaker 01 Right? There's lots of simple things in life.
6:29 Mel Robbins? But you're gonna make it easy.
6:29 Speaker 01 But we're gonna make it easier. We're gonna tell you exactly the steps to take. Because the truth of the matter is that once we start to change our habits, it has a cascade effect, and it changes the rest of our life.
6:41 Mel Robbins? So cascade meaning what?
6:42 Speaker 01 Meaning that there's a chain reaction, that something happens that causes other habits to change without us even having to use our willpower to change them. Within the literature, this is known as a keystone habit.
6:55 Mel Robbins? Okay, what is a ski, I almost called it a ski stone. But what is a keystone habit?
7:00 Speaker 01 So a keystone habit, what we know is that some habits are more powerful than others.
7:04 Mel Robbins? Okay, so there's a hierarchy to habits.
7:05 Speaker 01 There's a hierarchy to habits. And, and sometimes when you change the right habit, it sets off this chain reaction in the rest of your life. One of my favorite examples of this is exercise.
7:15 Mel Robbins? Okay.
7:15 Speaker 01 Right? So we all know that on the mornings that you go and you exercise, for some reason, at lunch, you eat healthier. Right? And if you think about it, that doesn't necessarily make any sense, right? But it's easier for some reason, my legs are kind of sore. Suddenly I go into the cafeteria and I get a salad instead of that sandwich that I always get.
7:33 Mel Robbins? Uh huh.
7:34 Speaker 01 But what's really interesting is that these two researchers named Oden and Cheng, what they looked at is other things that change. What they found is that on the mornings when people exercise, they tend to use their credit cards less that day.
7:45 Mel Robbins? What?
7:46 Speaker 01 They procrastinate less at work. They'll actually start doing the dishes, like washing the dishes, 20 minutes earlier in the day than when they usually do. Now, nobody, nobody goes for a run in the morning and thinks like, oh, I'm gonna keep the Amex in my pocket today. But what's happening is that for many people, exercise is a keystone habit. When you start to exercise, it sets off this chain reaction that changes other patterns in your life. Your eating patterns, your spending patterns.
8:12 Mel Robbins? Wow.
8:13 Speaker 01 It's really powerful.
8:14 Mel Robbins? Well, okay, so I just want to back up a minute because I'm excited because you're not only gonna teach us the research and science about habits and the simple things you need to understand to lock them in, but you've already said something that I want to make sure that the person listening really captured, okay? And is that you're gonna take away. Because one of the things that struck me about your remarkable New York Times bestseller, The Power of Habit, is that being successful in life isn't about talent, that the science says that
8:49 Mel Robbins? Habits shape who we are and the outcomes that we achieve more than your ability. Can you unpack what that means?
8:59 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
8:59 Mel Robbins? Because I think it's really exciting to listen to this conversation today as an invitation to change the type of person you think you are. And if you've been telling yourself that you just don't have the talent, or you don't have willpower, or you're not athletic, or any of these other things, the research says otherwise. Tell us what that means.
9:22 Speaker 01 That's absolutely right. And we've known this since Aristotle. Aristotle once said, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, it's a habit."
9:31 Mel Robbins? And so is slacking off.
9:33 Speaker 01 So is slacking off, so is exercising every day, so is procrastination. They're all habits, and they all operate the same way in our brain.
9:41 Mel Robbins? Okay.
9:42 Speaker 01 And the key to changing them is just to understand what's going on.
9:45 Mel Robbins? Okay, and is habits just a fancy, researcher-y word for patterns? Like, these are patterns in your life? Or what is that?
9:53 Speaker 01 So, there's a part of our brain known as the basal ganglia.
9:55 Mel Robbins? Okay.
9:56 Speaker 01 That creates habits. And every animal on earth has a basal ganglia. Without it, we would not have evolved to become humans or anything else. And it exists not just to create patterns, but to create a specific kind of pattern. And to explain, let me tell you how a habit works.
10:10 Mel Robbins? Okay.
10:11 Speaker 01 We think of a habit as one thing, but actually, there are three parts to every habit. There's a cue, which is like a trigger for an automatic behavior to start.
10:18 Mel Robbins? Okay.
10:19 Speaker 01 Then there's the routine, the habit itself, what we think of as the habit, the behavior. And then finally, every habit in our life has a reward. It delivers a reward to us, whether we're aware of it or not.
10:31 Mel Robbins? Huh.
10:31 Speaker 01 Now, about 40 to 45% of what we do every day is a habit.
10:36 Mel Robbins? 45%?
10:37 Speaker 01 Yeah. We think of it as a choice, but actually, when you're backing your car out of the driveway, you're operating on habit. When you walk into the cafeteria and you get that unhealthy lunch instead of the salad you said you were gonna have this morning, that's a habit. When we get home and our kid's kind of annoying us and we, like, are short with them, that's a habit.
10:54 Mel Robbins? Okay.
10:55 Speaker 01 And if we can diagnose the cue and the reward for those behaviors, for those routines, we can change that habit or build new ones.
11:03 Mel Robbins? And you're also here to teach us that there are three, as you call them, keystone habits. These are like the whoppers.
11:09 Speaker 01 Yes.
11:10 Mel Robbins? These are three things that you can teach yourself to do.
11:15 Mel Robbins? That create the biggest ripple effect in terms of changing the way that your life is and changing who you are?
11:21 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
11:22 Mel Robbins? Really?
11:23 Speaker 01 These are three habits that we know are keystone habits for almost everyone. And if you make this change, you can just watch the change ripple through the rest of your life.
11:32 Mel Robbins? Wow.
11:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:34 Mel Robbins? That's exciting.
11:35 Speaker 01 It is exciting. It is exciting.
11:37 Mel Robbins? Okay, well, let's dump into it. Let's talk about the first one, which is exercise. Why is exercise a keystone habit?
11:45 Speaker 01 Exercise is a really, really powerful habit in many people's lives because it changes how we think about ourself, right? Now, for folks who are already athletes.
11:55 Mel Robbins? Okay.
11:56 Speaker 01 If they take, let's say they have a baby, they take six months off, they go back to running, it might not be a keystone habit for them, or it might be a keystone habit that they've already built in their life. But for someone like myself, somebody who never, never exercised in high school, right? Didn't play any sports. When I start running even just once a week, even for just like half a mile, suddenly in part of my brain, I start thinking of myself as the kind of person who's a runner. The kind of person who's a runner, they don't use their credit card like wastefully, they don't procrastinate at work, they don't eat unhealthily at lunch. What's happening there is that I'm actually changing my concept of self by engaging in this keystone habit. So now, the next question is, how do we build an exercise habit, right?
12:39 Mel Robbins? Well, let me ask you a question, though. Does it have to be running?
12:42 Speaker 01 It doesn't have to be running.
12:43 Mel Robbins? Okay, so when you say, if you were to develop a habit of exercising, moving your body, whether it could be, it could be running, it could be going for a walk every day, it could be going to the gym three days a week, it could be, any form of exercise works?
12:57 Speaker 01 It can actually even be standing up from your chair regularly.
13:00 Mel Robbins? Really?
13:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, we know that, you know how your watch sometimes buzzes and it tells you it's time to stand up?
13:05 Mel Robbins? Yes.
13:06 Speaker 01 That's based on research. Research that shows if you can get yourself to a place where you're habitually standing up every 45 minutes or every 35 minutes, and you're just standing and walking around for 10 seconds, that it will change your other behaviors because it changes your self-concept. It changes how you think about yourself.
13:22 Mel Robbins? Now, I want to make sure that as you're listening to Charles, because this is such an important idea, because I think a lot of us think we should exercise because we know it's good for us, and we think that it's something that we should do. What you're saying is something different. Just stop and think for a second as you're listening to Charles. And think about the kind of person that goes to the gym five days a week. And now, even if you're not that kind of person, you probably can imagine that there are certain things about that person that you know to be true because they seem to have the discipline,
14:04 Mel Robbins? or in your words, the habit of moving their body that regularly. That maybe they don't procrastinate. Maybe they get out of bed when the alarm rings. Maybe they have more energy during the day. Maybe they are healthier either. Maybe they don't bury themselves in a bottle of wine every night. I don't know, but you have assumptions about who that person is when you see somebody doing something. And you're saying that the same thing happens to yourself. That when you become the kind of person who doesn't drink, or the kind of person who saves money regularly, or the kind of person who exercises regularly, it changes your identity. That's super cool.
14:43 Speaker 01 It's absolutely amazing. And you're exactly right. There's a part of our brain that pays attention not to what we think we should do, but how we actually behave. And in psychology, this is known as stated versus actual preferences.
14:57 Mel Robbins? Stated versus actual preferences.
14:59 Speaker 01 So my stated preference might be that I work out-
15:01 Mel Robbins? You know how I say that? Stop talking and do it.
15:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
15:04 Mel Robbins? You want to be that person, prove it. Yes.
15:05 Speaker 01 There's a part of your brain that does exactly that. And they say, you know what? You got up this morning and you went for a quarter mile jog. You're kind of, you're kind of a jock. You're kind of an athlete. You're kind of awesome. And I'm going to start changing our behavior based on this concept of what you actually do. That's how habits change our life.
15:23 Mel Robbins? You know, one of the things that's incredible, and I want you to explain the science behind how just this one habit, you're going to teach us all the mechanics of how to lock in exercise, whatever your form is, as a habit. But can you explain the science? Because you wrote about this in the book, about how exercise compounds and leads to other changes, like eating better, being more productive, even spending less money. You wrote about in your book, it's on page 109, that people who start running suddenly quit smoking-
15:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
15:54 Mel Robbins? Or start budgeting.
15:55 Speaker 01 Right.
15:56 Mel Robbins? Why does exercise cause a ripple of other positive change?
16:00 Speaker 01 Well, let me ask you a question.
16:02 Mel Robbins? Yes.
16:03 Speaker 01 On the days that you exercise,
16:04 Mel Robbins? Uh huh.
16:05 Speaker 01 If I was to ask you, Mel, are you a person who has a lot of self-discipline? Or not? What are you more like?
16:11 Mel Robbins? You better believe I do. Charles, I got up today at 6:30 and I was in an exercise class at 7:00 a.m. before I came to the studio this morning.
16:20 Speaker 01 That's pretty impressive.
16:21 Mel Robbins? And I feel like a woman that has discipline.
16:23 Speaker 01 And you know what? Your brain is impressed with you too. And your brain is saying, well, if Mel can wake up at 6:30 and be in our exercise class by 7, well, then it's going to be easy for her to have a healthy lunch. Right? That's the simple thing. She's already proven how much self-discipline she has. This is, our brains are constantly looking for clues as to who we actually are. And when we give them the right clues,
16:46 Mel Robbins? Yes.
16:47 Speaker 01 our brain becomes our partner in changing our behavior the way that we want it to change.
16:51 Mel Robbins? So simply doing this keystone habit that you're about to teach us, the three steps to locking in exercise as a habit, will lead to a ripple of other things that you're currently not doing?
17:05 Speaker 01 Absolutely. Now, that doesn't mean that tomorrow your life is going to change because you went for a run. But here's the thing about how habits work. Is that it doesn't matter what you eat for lunch today. It matters what you eat for lunch every day.
17:17 Mel Robbins? Okay.
17:17 Speaker 01 Right? So when that ripple starts, when you start to change those habits, what you'll see is slow, slow at first, change in other patterns. But each time you do it, each time you get up to go exercise, each time you walk into the cafeteria and you get something healthy to eat, it's going to be a little bit easier than the time before. And eventually, you're going to find, and this can actually happen in just a couple of weeks, that you don't even think about waking up in the morning anymore. You just do it automatically. It's a habit. It feels really normal and natural. And all those other changes will become stronger and stronger and stronger until you have the life that you want.
17:53 Mel Robbins? Why does the brain respond that way? Like, because I think it's exciting if the first keystone habit that you're recommending, that we really try to implement in our life, is to make it a habit to exercise, to move your body.
18:08 Speaker 01 Yep.
18:09 Mel Robbins? Why does it do that in your brain? What is the research say about that?
18:13 Speaker 01 Well, so first of all, exercise is very powerful in terms of the neurotransmitters that it helps to release, right? There's these pleasure hormones that we end up feeling when we exercise.
18:23 Mel Robbins? Okay.
18:24 Speaker 01 But the second thing that happens is that when we start to exercise, oftentimes, for many people, exercise is kind of intimidating, right? If you've never gone to the gym before, you're like, I don't want to show up. I don't want to like, I'm going to look stupid.
18:38 Mel Robbins? Honestly, it's scary. Like, I literally travel a lot for work, and it took me a long time to walk into a hotel gym because I didn't know what to do in the gym.
18:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:48 Mel Robbins? And so I agree with you. There's a lot of resistance. And then if you've let yourself go, you're like, oh, my God, I don't even want to confront how out of shape I am.
18:55 Speaker 01 Right. So let's talk about how we overcome that.
18:58 Mel Robbins? Please, because I think exercise is one of those things that everybody would agree, this is something that I know is good for me, and I need to do more of it, but I don't feel like it. How do we use your research to make this easier?
19:11 Speaker 01 Absolutely. So I mentioned before the habit loop, right? Every habit has these three components: a cue, a routine, and a reward.
19:18 Mel Robbins? Okay.
19:18 Speaker 01 So if I want to start an exercise habit in my life, or if you want to start an exercise habit in your life,
19:22 Mel Robbins? Okay.
19:23 Speaker 01 we got to figure out, first of all, we have to choose a cue.
19:25 Mel Robbins? Okay.
19:26 Speaker 01 A cue usually falls into one of five categories. It's a certain place, the presence of certain other people, a particular emotion, a particular time of day, or a preceding behavior that has become ritualized.
19:41 Mel Robbins? Okay.
19:42 Speaker 01 So if I want to build an exercise habit, I'm going to build as many cues as I can. I'm going to say, okay, look, when I exercise, I'm going to set the alarm for 7 o'clock. I'm going to have my running shoes right next to my bed. I'm going to plan on meeting my friend Jim at the corner.
19:57 Mel Robbins? Yep.
19:57 Speaker 01 Right, so here's what I've done. I've created three cues for myself. A time of day, a certain environment, a particular place, because I see my shoes.
20:04 Mel Robbins? That's a reminder.
20:05 Speaker 01 And then the presence of certain other people, right? Because Jim's going to be pissed if I don't show up to like, after we plan to run together.
20:12 Mel Robbins? Yep.
20:13 Speaker 01 So now I've set some cues for my exercise routine.
20:15 Mel Robbins? And the cue, the important thing about the cue is it is there to kind of go ding ding ding, Charles.
20:22 Speaker 01 That's exactly right.
20:23 Mel Robbins? This is the time to do this thing you said you were going to do.
20:26 Speaker 01 Over time, just seeing that cue will make you automatically start exercising.
20:31 Mel Robbins? Okay, got it.
20:31 Speaker 01 So we want them to be somewhat stable, and we're just going to choose them. And we're just, it can be anything. We can experiment with them. Then I'm gonna go and I'm gonna do my exercise. I'm gonna run for three blocks.
20:41 Mel Robbins? Okay.
20:42 Speaker 01 Right? And afterwards, as soon as I can, so we've done the cue, the routine. The third part is the reward. Afterwards, I'm gonna give myself a reward as quickly as I can.
20:53 Mel Robbins? And what's a, what, give me an example of reward.
20:55 Speaker 01 A reward, let's say you go on a run. A reward could be you have a smoothie when you come home, right? A reward could be you let yourself take a nice, long shower. A reward could even be that you have a little calendar and you make a check. Every day you go for an exercise and you look at it and you think, oh, my gosh, I have 13 checks this month. I'm amazing. Anything can be made into a reward. We just have to give ourselves that reward. Now compare that to how most people try to start exercising, right? Here's what they do instead. They say, I'm gonna go exercising tomorrow. And then they wake up at seven and they're like tired and they're like, where are my shoes? Where's my running stuff? Then they go and they run three or four blocks and they come home. And now they're running behind, right? And the kids need breakfast and like, so they jump in the shower. They take the fastest shower that they can.
21:39 Speaker 01 Then they're rushing to get the kids to school because they're gonna be late for school. Then I'm rushing to my office. And as soon as I got to my office, I wasn't able to do all those emails. What I'm doing in that case, I'm actually punishing myself for exercising that morning.
21:50 Mel Robbins? That's so true. And then the next morning, when you wake up, you're like, I don't feel like doing this because I don't have enough time. Because you're thinking about the fact that yesterday it didn't work.
21:58 Speaker 01 Your brain pays attention to what you reward yourself for and what you punish yourself for. And if you punish yourself for exercising, even if you don't mean to punish yourself for exercising, even if just not thinking about it ahead of time makes what happens afterwards a punishment, your brain will be like, I don't wanna exercise anymore. I'm not gonna make that easier.
22:16 Mel Robbins? Wow. So it sounds like the single biggest mistake that each and every one of us makes is not understanding these three components.
22:24 Speaker 01 That's exactly right.
22:25 Mel Robbins? And not being intentional about what they are. Because if you don't have the three components, you're not locking in the pieces that make it automatic.
22:32 Speaker 01 That's exactly right.
22:33 Mel Robbins? You know what? I can give, I wanna give two examples to see if these are accurate. So if you've ever trained a dog, like we have this dumb thing that we always say, let's go see the puppy. That's like the verbal cue to be like, we're going outside and we're walking to the part of the lawn where I hope I'm gonna train you to go number two or number one.
22:49 Speaker 01 Right.
22:50 Mel Robbins? The pattern I'm looking for is walk with me after that cue. Let's go see the puppy. And then when they go to the bathroom, what do we do? We give them a biscuit and that's the reward.
23:01 Speaker 01 That's exactly right.
23:01 Mel Robbins? Because now you're getting the dog to be trained to understand that that verbal cue leads to the biscuit.
23:09 Speaker 01 That's exactly. And let's talk about what happens in your brain. Your brain, the basal ganglia, actually will take that cue, that routine, the behavior, cue, routine, reward. It'll connect them and actually make the neural synapses between those parts of your brain that are involved with that activity, make them thicker. So it's easier for an electrical impulse to run down that synapse and to actually activate that part of your brain. Your brain is designed, just like our dog's brain, just like every brain of any animal on earth, your brain is designed to build habits. Because if you didn't have habits, you wouldn't know how to stand up from your chair. If you were walking down the street and you saw an apple in a rock, you would have to stop and think, which one of those should I pick up and eat? Habits are an energy-saving technique that our brain uses
23:54 Speaker 01 so that we can think about other things.
23:57 Mel Robbins? You know, what's interesting is that as I think about the example of training a dog, the second I say, let's go see the puppy, I know the dog is not thinking about peeing. The dog is thinking about a treat. And you know, if I think back to a period of my life where I had a rock solid, I'm talking keystone made of granite, thick, amazing habit of exercising every day. It was when I was a young mom and there was a particular yoga studio that I loved. And I would always go to this particular class. So I would set my alarm and I would put my yoga outfit on the floor at night so that when I woke up, it was right there. I had to see it.
24:41 Mel Robbins? I typically met a friend there. And afterwards, there was a great bakery across the street where I could get a latte. And if I had the kids in tow and they were reading a book, they could get like a chocolate chip muffin.
24:53 Speaker 01 Right.
24:53 Mel Robbins? And what's interesting, and maybe you can explain this, is that the second the alarm went off, once I had done this several weeks in a row and I saw the yoga clothes, which in your language is a cue.
25:06 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
25:06 Mel Robbins? So this is the cue, we're going to yoga. We're doing the walk now. We're gonna go, you know, do our stretches now. Whatever your form of exercise is, you've got the cue. Okay, I'm doing it. The second I saw those clothes, do you know what I thought about?
25:19 Speaker 01 The latte. Yeah.
25:20 Mel Robbins? I literally could feel the taste of this iced latte. What is happening in your brain that makes you not think about the exercise, but actually makes you start to think about the biscuit if you're a dog, or the latte if you're Mel Robbins?
25:34 Speaker 01 The reward you're gonna get at the end of it. So I mentioned before that habits exist to help our brain save energy.
25:39 Mel Robbins? Okay.
25:40 Speaker 01 And our brains always wanna save energy. That's, that's one of the, a brain's big goals. And so it wants to take as many decisions out of your life as possible. And so one of the things that your brain is doing is it's saying, okay, if X happens, if I see X, if this Q emerges in my life, I wanna make this behavior that I know delivers a reward to me as simple and easy and automatic as possible. I don't wanna have to think about it. I don't wanna have to work at it. I don't have to wanna use my willpower to make it happen.
26:07 Mel Robbins? Mm-hmm.
26:07 Speaker 01 And the way that I do that is I actually power down the brain. The basal ganglia, when you're in the grip of a habit, you are actually thinking less. You're actually not making decisions. You're just acting automatically. And we've all felt that before, right? We've all felt that it feels kind of relaxing. Like when you're, when you're driving to the store and you get onto the road that usually takes you home and suddenly you find yourself home and you're like, oh, I didn't mean to come home. I meant to go to the store.
26:33 Mel Robbins? Or how did I even get here? I don't remember driving.
26:34 Speaker 01 Right. It's because you're relaxed, because you're not having to think about it. So what's happening when you would wake up in the morning and you would see those workout clothes and you started imagining the latte, your brain was saying, the best way to make it easy for Mel to go do yoga, because I know that yoga's good for her, because it delivers a latte.
26:51 Mel Robbins? And I don't feel like it.
26:52 Speaker 01 I know, I know it's something that she wants because it's something that's important to her. The best way I can help her is I can actually take away all the need for willpower. I'm gonna make it automatic for her. And the thing is, once it's automatic, we hardly even have to think about it. We just do it.
27:08 Mel Robbins? Wow. All right. Well, let's move on to Keystone Habit number two. So the first one, if you want a ripple effect, exercise.
27:14 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
27:15 Mel Robbins? What is the second Keystone Habit?
27:17 Speaker 01 So the second Keystone Habit is to have a morning routine. And morning routines are really, really powerful. Folks who are listening, they might have heard about these speeches that were given about making your bed. Right? That, that a number of commencement speeches, the speakers have said, the most important thing you can do as a college graduate is make your bed in the morning. Now, why? What is it about making your bed in the morning? Well, a morning routine oftentimes determines how we feel about the rest of our day. And how we feel about our day influences the choices that we make and the habits that come out during that day. Now, a morning routine, every morning routine should have three components. And it's easy to remember, it's A R C, ARC.
27:58 Mel Robbins? Okay.
27:58 Speaker 01 A morning routine should, first of all, create anticipation for the day. Right? And anticipation means, maybe I'm choosing, maybe I'm just thinking about one thing I'm excited about today. I'm just gonna take 30 seconds and I'm just gonna imagine like, you know, I'm going to lunch with Mel. I'm really looking forward to that. I've got anticipation for the day. The second thing, R, is relaxation.
28:21 Mel Robbins? Relaxation?
28:22 Speaker 01 Relaxation. Now, that doesn't mean it has to be a lot of relaxation. But I'm gonna let my nervous system calm down a little bit. That might mean, literally, I just have a nice cup of tea and like do the whirrl. It might mean I take a shower and I just let myself kind of like relax in the shower for 10 or 15 seconds. Right? So A R C, anticipation, relaxation. Then the third thing that a morning routine ought to have, to be really powerful, is to have connection. That you want to connect with at least one other person sometime in the morning. Now, that might mean that it's your husband, it might mean it's your kids, it might mean it's your dog, it might mean that you feed the fish.
29:04 Speaker 01 But that sense of connection is going to wake something up in you that means you will seek out connection during the day. And we are happiest when we're socializing with other people.
29:14 Mel Robbins? So those are the three components.
29:15 Speaker 01 Those are the three components of building a morning routine.
29:18 Mel Robbins? Wow.
29:19 Speaker 01 And they're really simple. It's very straightforward. So let's take making your bed as an example.
29:23 Mel Robbins? Okay.
29:24 Speaker 01 Right? So it's not actually just the making the bed that matters.
29:28 Mel Robbins? What matters?
29:29 Speaker 01 What matters is that when I'm making that bed, I'm saying to myself, you know what? I'm gonna start by making the, like, today's gonna be a good day. I'm in, I'm doing the anticipation. Today's gonna be a good day. I started, I woke up, I'm in, my room looks really nice. The comforter's all smooth. This is gonna be a good day. Anticipation. Relaxation. Actually, when you're making that bed, like oftentimes, one of the things that happens is you kind of just like feel like I have time this morning. You have to have a schedule that'll gives you the time to make your-
29:57 Mel Robbins? That's so true.
29:58 Speaker 01 You have to, you have to have time to relax, right? If you wake up at the last minute, you can't make your bed. So if you set your alarm a little bit earlier so that you can make your bed, now suddenly you've got time to have that cup of coffee, to read the paper, to do the wordle. So you've got the anticipation, you've got the relaxation, the connection. Most of the time, when I make that bed, it's also I'm making my wife's bed, right? My wife and I, we sleep in the same bed. And so, and I make that bed, I'm doing something nice for her. I'm connecting to her. Now, she might have already left for the day, but simply reminding myself, I'm gonna make this bed look nice for Liz when she comes home, that gives me that connection. So something as simple as making a bed, which takes what, 15, 20 seconds?
30:39 Speaker 01 That is enough to build a morning routine that can change the rest of your day.
30:44 Mel Robbins? So that's the way that you can start to lock in this keystone habit is when you get out of bed, make the bed, but take a little bit of time and be present as you're doing it to get all of that goodness that the research says.
31:00 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
31:00 Mel Robbins? And then you can add on from there.
31:02 Speaker 01 You can add on from there. And the thing that is, you might have noticed is that- We're giving ourselves a reward.
31:08 Mel Robbins? What is the reward?
31:08 Speaker 01 Well, the cue is that I'm waking up, I look at the, at the unmade bed and I'm gonna go make the bed, right?
31:13 Mel Robbins? Okay.
31:14 Speaker 01 There's the cue, there's the routine, I'm making the bed.
31:16 Mel Robbins? Okay.
31:16 Speaker 01 The reward is that I'm giving myself a little bit of, a little bit of like props, right? I did something nice for my wife. I should feel pretty good about myself.
31:25 Mel Robbins? My room's clean, I don't have to do this later.
31:27 Speaker 01 I look at my room and it looks amazing. That's kind of a reward.
31:31 Mel Robbins? Now, are there other examples of things you could do in the morning that check off the A R C?
31:39 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
31:40 Mel Robbins? What are they?
31:41 Speaker 01 They can be anything. The key isn't that there are some behaviors that are more powerful than others. The key is to take the behavior you want and to give it that anticipation, that relaxation and that connection.
31:52 Mel Robbins? Okay, so because I know that the person listening is like me and they're like, just tell me what to do.
31:55 Speaker 01 Right.
31:56 Mel Robbins? So you're basically saying that it's not that there's particular things in the morning routine that are more important than others. It's that you need to create this keystone habit of having your routine of something you do in the morning. Every morning, simply for the sake of creating anticipation, relaxing a little, which means just actually slowing yourself down. So your morning doesn't start like a tornado.
32:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:21 Mel Robbins? And what was the, see?
32:22 Speaker 01 Connection.
32:23 Mel Robbins? Connection.
32:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:23 Mel Robbins? Some connection either to yourself, to another person, to being present in the moment. So are examples like meditation?
32:30 Speaker 01 Absolutely. Meditation is a great example, right? Cause when you're meditating, usually what you're doing is you're like anticipating a little bit the rest of the day, right? I really wanna like get centered because I have that meeting coming up and I'm looking forward to it, but I don't wanna be too excited. Right? I'm relaxing because meditation is relax, relaxation and I'm connecting with myself. Connection doesn't have to be with another person. I can connect with myself. Or let's take morning journaling or saying a prayer every morning. There's a number of people who find that a keystone habit in their life that's really powerful, their morning routine is that they wake up and they say a prayer. Why would that be powerful? Well, it's because first of all, as I'm saying that prayer, I'm oftentimes thinking about
33:11 Mel Robbins? Hmm.
33:12 Speaker 01 the people I wanna help, the people that, that I'm gonna see my son tonight. I want him to be safe, but I'm excited to see him. There's that anticipation. I'm in a moment of contemplation and that's relaxing. And I'm connecting to whoever you're praying to. The connection doesn't have to be with another person. It can be with ourself, it can be with a spirit. But that connection reminds us how much value we get from socializing with other people, with spending time being part of a community.
33:40 Mel Robbins? You talked about how exercise creates this ripple effect. And there's all this research that shows that people that exercise stop smoking. They spend less money during the day. They make other healthy choices. How does creating a habit of a morning routine that has this anticipation, this slowing down and relaxing and being in the moment, and the connection to self, or connection to nature, or connection to another person? How is it that having something you do every morning that has those three things? How does that ripple through your day?
34:13 Speaker 01 In two ways. Well, one of them is when you have that morning routine, you actually have to kind of plan for it, right? If I know that I'm going to start making my bed in the morning, I figured out yesterday that like, I tried to make my bed and it was just, I ran out of time. So today I'm going to set my alarm five minutes earlier, right? So I have time to make my bed.
34:33 Mel Robbins? And also you're thinking, I'm just the kind of person that makes my bed, which means I'm orderly and organized.
34:39 Speaker 01 I'm disciplined. I'm the kind of person who can go do other great stuff because I woke up this morning and I made my bed. So that's a really important part of it is I'm changing my self-image. I'm forcing myself to plan a little bit. But most of all, what I'm really doing is I'm reminding myself to be intentional.
34:56 Mel Robbins? Huh.
34:56 Speaker 01 Think about all the times in your life when you've been most intentional, right? When you, the gifts you get for your husband that you really think about, the party that you plan, the thing you're going to say to your kid that like, really like is something meaningful. The more intentional we are, the more we achieve our goals and the happier we are. And there's something about building a morning routine, a morning ritual, that allows us to be intentional about it. And when we are intentional, what we're doing is we're giving ourselves the gift of being able to think about the rest of our day, the rest of our week, all the things we want to accomplish that now feel like they're within grasp.
35:37 Mel Robbins? That makes so much sense. This feels like a great moment to hit the pause button, give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words. And as you've been listening and learning from Charles, I am sure, just like me, you are thinking about all kinds of habits that you would love to create in your life. And you're probably also thinking about people in your life who need better habits. You know what they need? They need a little Charles doing in their life. So, share this conversation with them. Better it comes from him than you and me. You know what I'm saying? Share this conversation. Don't go anywhere. Charles has so much more to teach you about making habits easier when we return, so stay with us.
36:18 Mel Robbins? The Let Them Theory is the best gift you can give this holiday season. It's the gift you give to someone who's overwhelmed, to the people pleaser, to the friend who carries way too much, to the sibling who's exhausted from dealing with everyone else's emotions, to the coworker who needs a break. It's meaningful, it's practical, it's hilarious, and it's life-changing. The Let Them Theory, for everyone on your list. Available at letthem.com and wherever books are sold.
36:53 Mel Robbins? Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, we are talking all things habits. In particular, three keystone habits that create positive change for your life and what the research says about what you can do to make forming new habits easier. What does the research say about the difference between a person that has a habit of having a morning routine that creates anticipation, relaxation, meaning we're slowing down, we're not running through the morning like a freaking tornado, and connection to something like yourself or other people or something important to you? What's the difference between that person, even if it's just making your bed? And somebody who doesn't have a morning routine? What's the research say?
37:37 Speaker 01 Well, what the research says is that when you have that morning routine, you tend to make much better decisions. And in particular, you tend to make better decisions on what to focus on. Right? So if you think about the challenges that we all face every day in life, a lot of them are, there's some things that I want to be able to focus on, but I get distracted. I get distracted by someone bringing me a problem. I have to react to my kids. I get distracted by my phone. I get distracted by this email that just came on, and I'm suddenly worrying about something.
38:06 Mel Robbins? Yeah.
38:06 Speaker 01 We want to accomplish the things that we care about, and those distractions are the things that draw us away from it. And when we start with a morning routine, because of that intentionality, what we're saying is we're saying, I'm the kind of person who doesn't react. I'm the kind of person who is proactive, who makes choices about where to focus my attention. And that's really, really powerful, because as we start defining ourselves as a person who makes proactive choices rather than reacting to the chaos of life, then suddenly, we start seeing ourselves in that light. And when that notification pops up on your phone, you say, whatever, I'll wait until later to deal with it. I'm focused on what I want to be focused on right now.
38:45 Mel Robbins? Wow. So knowing that the person listening is probably a lot like me, and they're like, okay, but what's the list of things that should be in the morning routine? I mean, clearly, you can exercise, because that's another keystone habit. So now you're powering up two things. But if you had to give somebody like a menu of things to choose from if they're building a morning routine, based on the research, what are kind of the top five things that you would want somebody to think about? And obviously, we got to bring the arc framework to it.
39:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:15 Mel Robbins? Right? Where we're actually infusing what we're doing with it. But what are like the actual things to do that, based on the research, are kind of the big ones?
39:24 Speaker 01 So- There's a couple of things that we know consistently have a powerful effect on people when they do them in the morning. Okay. In addition to making your bed, if you do something that has an organizational element, it makes you feel settled, it brings that relaxation, it usually gives you a chance as you're organizing to think about the day. And oftentimes, when we're organizing, we're doing it for other people. Like what? Give me an example. I wake up every morning and I go through the house and I pick up all the stuff that my kids have left on, they leave cups everywhere. There's cups on every single surface. I pick up all the cups and I bring them to the sink and I put them in the sink. That's one of my morning rituals. Another one is eating breakfast, right? When we sit down and we eat breakfast with our family, or even if we eat breakfast by
40:07 Speaker 01 ourselves, that is a morning ritual that we know has huge impacts. In fact, the National Weight Loss Registry, the largest database of people who have lost weight on earth, see that there are two major things that determine if you lose weight, and one of them is eating breakfast. Really? Now, why is eating breakfast so powerful in helping me lose weight? Because I'm eating. Well, for two things. Number one, I'm not hungry later in the day. It helps me regulate my meals. I feel a sense of discipline. But number two, if I have a breakfast routine, it means that I have created space in my life for having breakfast. I'll bet you, I'm like, look, I have to have breakfast every single morning, it's going to take 10 minutes to eat that bowl of cereal, I need to set my alarm 10 minutes earlier. Now suddenly I'm being intentional.
40:51 Speaker 01 Now suddenly I'm planning what my day is going to be like. So if you can do something that has an organizational element, that's going to be powerful. If you eat breakfast, that's going to be powerful. Number three is if you get a chance to spend time with other people. Now, that might mean spending time with your kids at the breakfast table. It might mean that you walk to work with your friend and you guys meet up and you walk over together. It might mean that you're taking your dog for a walk or you're giving him a cuddle, right? When I find a habit that has some sociability to it, that's going to be a powerful morning routine. And then from there, it can be almost anything you want it to be. As long as you decide, this is a behavior I want to do every morning as part of my morning routine. I'm going to journal every morning.
41:36 Speaker 01 I'm going to say a prayer every morning. I'm going to meditate every morning. Whatever it is, I'm going to call up a friend. I'm going to listen to this comedian that I like. Whatever it is, as long as you're planning around it, you have a sense of anticipation for the event. It creates anticipation for the day. You're relaxing because it's something you enjoy and you feel connected to something. Then it's going to be powerful.
41:58 Mel Robbins? I love that. I absolutely love that. Is there any mistake that you see people making? In terms of not being able to lock in?
42:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:06 Mel Robbins? The habit of a morning routine that has these elements.
42:09 Speaker 01 The mistake that we sometimes make is that we don't allow ourselves to enjoy the reward.
42:14 Mel Robbins? Right? What is the reward?
42:15 Speaker 01 Well, okay, let's talk about exercise for a minute. Think about how many people will say like, you know, I went for a run this morning and then I let myself have a really good kale smoothie. That is not a reward. Nobody likes a kale smoothie, right? We drink them because it feels virtuous to us. But the people who are going to continue exercising are the ones who say, I had a kale smoothie and then I added some fruit to it and I put a little bit of sugar in it. Or I had a strawberry smoothie, which is a little bit less healthy than a kale smoothie, but you know what? I really like it. Oftentimes, particularly in America, because we are stoics, right? We don't like to reward ourselves.
42:50 Mel Robbins? Speak for yourselves, but okay, go ahead.
42:53 Speaker 01 Oftentimes, we try and punish ourselves for doing the right thing. Right? I just went on that long run and now instead of just like lazing in front of the TV, now I'm going to go lift some weights. So the biggest mistake that we make when it comes to morning rituals, or when it comes to any other habit that we're building, is not giving ourselves a reward and then not letting ourselves enjoy the reward.
43:13 Mel Robbins? Well, I don't know what the reward is in the morning routine.
43:16 Speaker 01 Okay, so which, which routine are we talking about?
43:18 Mel Robbins? Uh, let's just say I'm, I'm meditating.
43:21 Speaker 01 Okay.
43:22 Mel Robbins? Which I don't have as a habit, so I don't know why I'm picking that one, but that's.
43:25 Speaker 01 So what's, when you do meditate, how do you usually feel afterwards?
43:29 Mel Robbins? Well, when I have meditated in the past, I feel accomplished. I feel more present. I feel proud of myself that I did it, that I'm the kind of person that meditates because I'm married to somebody who is that kind of person.
43:43 Speaker 01 And so, so those are all the beginnings of rewards. The question is, how do we make them into a reward? Because if you feel accomplished, if you feel proud of yourself, that's a reward. It's a reward you're giving yourself. So how do we make it into something tangible?
43:55 Mel Robbins? I don't know.
43:56 Speaker 01 We turn and we write it down. We keep a calendar where we say, oh, I meditated today. I'm gonna check off that thing.
44:02 Mel Robbins? And what about the cups? So how does the cups, like you picking up, because I love that example.
44:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:07 Mel Robbins? I can visualize it because I have people that our kids just visited. There's stuff everywhere.
44:14 Speaker 01 You know what, you know what the reward is?
44:15 Mel Robbins? No.
44:15 Speaker 01 There's two of them. First of all, once I'm done collecting all the cups, I put them in the sink. I walk through the house and I just look and go, ah. I let myself enjoy a clean house.
44:27 Mel Robbins? I think this is super important because what I'm gathering from this, and we'll get to the third keystone habit in just a second, is that if you really do just embrace, it's the cue which signals that we're about to do this thing.
44:39 Speaker 01 Right.
44:39 Mel Robbins? And for me, I do make my bed every morning. And one of the cues is that I've got all these throw pillows. I'm psycho about pillows. When I get up, it's not the unmade bed. It's the fact that the pillows are on the floor.
44:51 Speaker 01 I love it.
44:51 Mel Robbins? That actually trigger me to turn around and do it immediately. And then I also do this thing where I like karate chop the pillow to give it that nice like interior design like looking thing. And there's something so satisfying about that. But what I realize is that I rush past it once it's done. And I don't often take that moment to savor what I just did. Now, in the exercise example, I definitely, oh, this latte tastes so good.
45:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:25 Mel Robbins? And so I'm locking in the habit by actually enjoying the aftermath of the reward, I'm starting to realize.
45:34 Speaker 01 That's exactly right. And what if, when you made that bed?
45:37 Mel Robbins? Yeah.
45:38 Speaker 01 What if you literally took four seconds to look at those pillows? That you just put that dent in that looks perfect and say like, you know, this bed looks great. I, I, I am the kind of person who has an amazing bed like this. That's a reward you can give yourself. But you're right, you have to let yourself savor it. The other reward that I get from clearing up all those cups is that my wife comes down and she looks around and she says, oh, it looks nice down here.
46:00 Mel Robbins? I can see why you're the number one habit researcher, Charles. Let's take a quick pause because I want to give the person listening a chance to just really marinate on what you've just said. And I also want to give them a chance to share this research and science with the people that they care about because I believe you. I believe that you can become a completely different person based on locking in new habits. And we've got so much more to uncover. There are three keystone habits that we're digging into. Don't go anywhere. Charles Dugan and I will be waiting for you after a short break.
46:42 Mel Robbins? Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. Today you and I are learning from Pulitzer Prize winning researcher and bestselling author, Charles Dugan. We are talking about the power of habits and in particular, Charles is teaching us the amazing research and science around three keystone habits that create a ripple effect of positive change through your life. So, Charles, the next question I have is if you are having trouble locking in a new behavior and making something a habit, right? It could be anything, balancing your checkbook. It could be, I don't know, making healthy dinners. It could be meditating. It could be not spending money on frivolous things. Is it fair to say that one of the things that you should probably do is take a look
47:26 Mel Robbins? at the thing you're trying to make a habit and go, okay, do I even have a cue?
47:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:33 Mel Robbins? Do I know what the repeatable behavior is? Because one of the things for me with exercise that it sounds dumb, but unless I actually plan ahead what I'm going to do, like I know this class I'm going to stream, or I know the thing that I'm going to go to, it all falls apart because even though I might have the time I'm doing it. Now I have to stop and think about what I'm actually doing.
47:55 Speaker 01 And, and there's a reason why it falls apart.
47:57 Mel Robbins? Why?
47:57 Speaker 01 From science.
47:58 Mel Robbins? Why?
47:58 Speaker 01 It's what's known as hot mind and cold mind.
48:01 Mel Robbins? Hot mind and cold mind?
48:02 Speaker 01 Yeah. So let me ask you this. Is it easier to eat healthy when you walk past an ice cream store? And you just had dinner? Or when you're starving?
48:13 Mel Robbins? Well, it's easier to eat healthy when I've just had dinner.
48:16 Speaker 01 Okay, right, exactly. You don't, you don't stop at the ice cream store, right?
48:19 Mel Robbins? If I'm starving, we're making a U-turn.
48:20 Speaker 01 Because when you're starving, your mind is in a hot mind place.
48:23 Mel Robbins? Oh.
48:24 Speaker 01 You're at the moment where you have to make a decision. And our brain hates making decisions. So what it does is it makes the first easiest decision that it can. So how do we overcome this instinct? We make decisions when we're in a cold mind state.
48:37 Mel Robbins? Oh.
48:38 Speaker 01 I, I'm going to exercise tomorrow morning. You know what? I'm going to decide what class I'm going to do right now. Before I go to bed. Because it's not that hard to decide right now. I'm just going to do this one class. I know that I like it. I'll just queue it up. Now, if you wake up that morning and you're like, I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, I gotta get to work. You're in a hot mind state. You can't make a decision about what class to do. Your brain's going to say like, I'm, I, I feel too overwhelmed. This is too much, it's too much anxiety. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna say skip exercise today. Let's go to the next thing.
49:08 Mel Robbins? A thousand percent, that happens all the time.
49:09 Speaker 01 So, the key is, you make a decision before you have to make the decision. And this is known within science as implementation intentions.
49:19 Mel Robbins? Okay.
49:19 Speaker 01 An implementation intention is when I say, from a cold state, I say, tomorrow morning, when I see X, I'm going to do Y. Tomorrow morning, when I wake up, I see the alarm clock going off and I see my workout clothes I left on the ground. I'm going to go do that class. I've already decided what class I'm going to take. I don't have to decide in the morning. Because deciding is too much hard work. My brain wants to avoid it.
49:41 Mel Robbins? I love this because you're making it easier. Like, when I think about exercise, I exercise consistently when I'm in Boston recording episodes. Because I know the class I'm going to go to. I meet my buddy Lynn before the class. It's the same time, every time, and I have a latte afterwards.
49:57 Speaker 01 It's perfect.
49:57 Mel Robbins? So those are the conditions that I need to put in place in order to make it easier when I'm in my normal life. Because I am deciding what to do with a hot, emotional, I don't want to exercise mind.
50:08 Speaker 01 Right, that's exa-
50:09 Mel Robbins? Boom.
50:09 Speaker 01 And you asked, is it worth actually like sitting down and figuring out these components? Here's what I do when I want to build a new habit, or when I want to change a habit. I pull out a piece of paper. And I write down the cue, the routine and the reward. I literally will say like, okay, my cue for running is I'm going to call Greg right now and ask him to meet me tomorrow morning at nine thirty at this corner. Right? My plan, I'm not going to just run wherever. I'm not going to decide, wait until I'm running to decide where to go. I'm going to plan out my route. Here's my routine. And you know what? When I'm done, we're going to be near that one cafe and they have that almond croissant that I love. I'm going to let myself have an almond croissant. I'm going to buy myself an almond croissant. Literally, it takes, again, 20 seconds to plot out what the habit loop for exercise is.
50:54 Speaker 01 But I'm doing it in a frame of mind where it's going to be so much easier to do it tomorrow because it's just going to be automatic.
51:02 Mel Robbins? I love that. Cold versus a hot mind. Boom. Let's move on to Keystone Habit number three.
51:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:07 Mel Robbins? What is it?
51:08 Speaker 01 Keystone Habit number three is to track something in your life.
51:13 Mel Robbins? What?
51:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know.
51:14 Mel Robbins? That sounds like the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Track something in my life?
51:17 Speaker 01 So here's a good example. Here's a good example. I know that you drink water.
51:21 Mel Robbins? Yes.
51:21 Speaker 01 Okay. So do you, do you know how much water you had to drink today?
51:26 Mel Robbins? Uh, yes, I have had one and a half of these. I've got, and if you're not watching on YouTube, this is a mason, one of these big wide-mouthed mason jars. I love these because this is four cups of water. You know, it's surprisingly hard to track how much water you're drinking.
51:43 Speaker 01 That's exactly right. Why, why would we track how much we drink when we're thirsty and we don't drink when we're not thirsty? But let me ask you this.
51:51 Mel Robbins? Yes.
51:52 Speaker 01 Why, why do you use that mason jar? Why do you track?
51:55 Mel Robbins? Well, because I'm trying to drink, I'm going to like completely blow it on the math. I try to drink four of these a day. Because I want to make it a habit to be very hydrated and to drink a lot of water because I just feel better, I have more energy, health-wise, I feel better. And I can't remember what the four cups, 16 cups of water, I don't even know how much water that is. But, but that's what I'm trying to do. So I know I need four of these to get that done.
52:24 Speaker 01 So what you just told me is you told me the why for this behavior, which is really powerful.
52:28 Mel Robbins? Okay.
52:28 Speaker 01 You said, I want to drink more water. I want to be hydrated because it gives me more energy.
52:33 Mel Robbins? Yep.
52:33 Speaker 01 It makes me happier. It feels healthy to me.
52:36 Mel Robbins? Yep.
52:37 Speaker 01 You're telling yourself the why. Now, drinking water.
52:42 Speaker 01 Well, you're gonna drink plenty of water. Like, you'll drink water when you're thirsty, right? But when you start tracking how much water you're drinking, you're reminding yourself of the why that matters to you. You're giving that activity meaning and purpose. When you pick up that glass and you take a sip,
52:58 Mel Robbins? Yes.
52:58 Speaker 01 Part of your brain is saying, you know what? I'm taking care of myself.
53:02 Mel Robbins? But you know what I said now is I said, shoot, I'm behind. I gotta get going on the drinking because I only had one and a half of these suckers. I've been busy talking to my friend Charles. I need to get going with the water.
53:11 Speaker 01 And the best thing is, it's super easy to drink more water, right? Like, literally, you just pick up the cup and you put it to your lips. You can accomplish that goal in seconds.
53:20 Mel Robbins? But why is learning to track things? Like, what does the research say about, let's say, I don't know, tracking what you eat, tracking the number of steps that you have, tracking the spending that you're... I don't want to track this stuff, Charles. I mean, that's, it's actually hard to track what you're doing.
53:36 Speaker 01 It can be hard, and you have to choose the right thing, right?
53:38 Mel Robbins? Okay.
53:39 Speaker 01 So...
53:39 Mel Robbins? What does the research say?
53:40 Speaker 01 So what the research says is, think about how much of your day you spend on autopilot, right? The great thing about a habit is that it feels like it's autopilot. You don't have to think about the thing you're doing. What's the drawback to that? The drawback to that is that you stop making choices, right? You start reacting instead of proacting. But equally, there's nothing there to remind you of your purpose. There's nothing to remind you of why this activity has meaning. If I'm on autopilot, I'm just doing things without even thinking about it. Tracking something is like a small interruption that causes us to remember the why in our life.
54:15 Mel Robbins? You know, one of the things that you write about, one of my favorite stories in your book, it's on page 120, is about how the research says that when someone is trying to lose weight, that the biggest change came from simply writing down what they ate. Can you unpack that research for us?
54:35 Speaker 01 Absolutely, absolutely. And this comes from, we mentioned before, the National Weight Loss Registry, the largest database of how people have lost weight. One of the big important things is eating breakfast. The second, and actually even more important, is simply tracking some aspect of either eating or your weight. And the reason why is because two things happen when you're tracking. Number one, you start to notice patterns that you might have missed before, right? Suddenly, you're like, I'm gonna write down every day what I have for breakfast. And you're like, you know... I ate that unhealthy cereal like four times this week and the healthy cereal only three times. Like, I didn't realize I was eating that much unhealthy cereal. I'm just gonna change it. I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do five healthy, two unhealthy, right? Suddenly, I am noticing the patterns that are otherwise invisible in my life.
55:20 Speaker 01 But the second thing is, every time I pull out my pen and I write down what I had for breakfast, I'm reminding myself of the why of eating more healthily. I'm saying in my head-
55:30 Mel Robbins? This matters.
55:31 Speaker 01 This matters. I'm tracking this because, you know what? I wanna be healthy, and I can be healthy, and I've proven to myself that I can. There's a professor I know who, he told me, he hated grading papers. Like, it was, it's boring. It's just like, it's the worst part of his job. And he told me, this is what he does every time he sits down to grade a paper. Is he says, "If I grade this paper, then the student's gonna pay tuition. And if they pay tuition, they're gonna fund my laboratory. And in my laboratory, I'm trying to cure cancer." So by grading this paper, I am helping to cure cancer. And he said, as soon as he does that, it makes grading so much easier. Because he reminded himself of the why. When we track something, we are reminding ourselves why we're doing it, of our purpose, of our mission.
56:16 Speaker 01 We are helping ourselves see the best side of ourselves.
56:19 Mel Robbins? So how does that connect to the people that track what they eat actually lose more weight?
56:26 Speaker 01 Because all of a sudden, they're reminding themselves why they're trying to eat healthily. Right? I walk past that donut place this morning, and like, it'd be so easy to stop it and get a donut, but I'm gonna have to write it down in this little book, and like-
56:41 Mel Robbins? It's so true.
56:42 Speaker 01 It's gonna be so disappointing to me to write it down. So I'm just gonna skip. I'm just gonna walk past it, right? Now, the thing is, this tracking, it doesn't have to be really cumbersome. It doesn't even have to be complete. Sometimes, just writing down what you had for one meal matters. Sometimes, tracking how much water you're drinking. Now, my, my guess is, if I asked you how much water you drank yesterday, you'd say, "I, I don't know. I think I drank three. I think I drank four," right?
57:08 Mel Robbins? Yeah, I think so.
57:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. So achieving the goal that you're looking for is not the point of the tracking. The tracking is to remind you, "Oh, Mel, I'm the kind of person who- Who wants to be healthy? Who wants to have a lot of energy?
57:21 Mel Robbins? It's keeping you present and intentional about what you're doing.
57:23 Speaker 01 That's exactly right. That's what the tracking does.
57:25 Mel Robbins? Well, I could see how that absolutely helps. It's like, I, I, I think most of us probably don't even realize how much money we're spending.
57:30 Speaker 01 That's exactly right.
57:31 Mel Robbins? Because we're shopping online, or we're like, double clicking, or we're scanning with our phone, or we're using a credit card.
57:35 Speaker 01 So I'll tell you what I do for money. I use a, I have a website that downloads all of my transactions. And once a week, I set aside 15 minutes and I go through and I just look at them.
57:46 Mel Robbins? Wow.
57:47 Speaker 01 That's my tracking. My tracking is, it only takes 15 minutes a week, but you know what I sometimes-
57:51 Mel Robbins? What changed by you doing that?
57:53 Speaker 01 Well, what changed is that, a couple of things. Number one, if I do that 15 minutes a week, I suddenly say like, you know what? This one charge keeps coming up. I think that's a subscription that I got like two years ago that I totally forgot about. I'm gonna go cancel that subscription. So I'm actually saving money. But the other thing that's happening is that sometimes when I pull out my credit card, I'm thinking to myself, okay, I know that I'm tracking what I'm spending, right? Like, this is gonna show up when I'm at 15 minute review. Do I really need this thing? Like, do I really need to hit buy on Amazon? Or can I wait a day to get this thing? That's what tracking gives us. And it doesn't have to be time consuming. It doesn't have to be exhaustive. It doesn't even have to be complete. It's just that intentionality that you mentioned that makes all the difference.
58:33 Mel Robbins? So for someone who's listening right now, and they're like, I don't even know what to track. Like, I, I don't even know what this means. So I can understand how the keystone habit of exercise-
58:43 Speaker 01 Right.
58:44 Mel Robbins? -has this massive ripple effect. I understand the cue, the, the exercise planning. So do it with a cold mind, so you know what you're gonna do. And I understand the importance of the reward and savoring it. I also can understand keystone habit number two. So the morning routine and being able to anticipate a great day ahead, being able to slow yourself down and relax into the day, being able to create connection through all the different things that we could try, whether it's making your bed or meditating. I can see how that could make me more productive. I could see how that could set the tone for my day. I can see that, how that has a positive ripple effect. But when we get to number three, and it's like, tracking, I'm like, Charles, this says like wah, wah, wah.
59:27 Mel Robbins? But, but, no, but I, but I can see that it's actually a habit of being intentional in the moment.
59:34 Speaker 01 That's exactly right.
59:35 Mel Robbins? So, so how could you implement this?
59:40 Mel Robbins? And maybe like, is there a good way or a particular thing to start with? Or should we combine it with exercise?
59:47 Speaker 01 Well, let's do it with you. Let's build a new, a new thing that you're tracking.
59:52 Mel Robbins? Okay.
59:52 Speaker 01 So let me just ask, if there's something that you wish you did more of or less of? Anything in life, like take more steps, take fewer steps.
1:00:01 Mel Robbins? Oh.
1:00:02 Speaker 01 Maybe eat more breakfast with your husband. Eat more blueberries in the morning. Anything at all. If there's something that, what, what do you wish you could do more of or less of?
1:00:13 Mel Robbins? Um, I wish I was consistently going to bed earlier.
1:00:22 Speaker 01 Perfect, perfect, okay.
1:00:24 Mel Robbins? I mean, I'm pretty good, but I definitely in those hot moments, Charles.
1:00:28 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
1:00:29 Mel Robbins? I find myself like, why did I stay up two extra hours? Why did I, you know what I mean?
1:00:34 Speaker 01 Was that television show really that compelling?
1:00:36 Mel Robbins? Yeah, did I really, like, how did I just waste an hour on my phone?
1:00:39 Speaker 01 Did I actually have to send that email or read what's happening?
1:00:41 Mel Robbins? So how do I do this?
1:00:42 Speaker 01 So, okay, so we're going to build a habit around going to bed early.
1:00:46 Mel Robbins? Okay.
1:00:46 Speaker 01 Before we do that, we're going to talk about how you're going to track it.
1:00:48 Mel Robbins? Okay.
1:00:49 Speaker 01 So every night when you go, I want you to have a little book next to your bed.
1:00:54 Mel Robbins? Okay.
1:00:54 Speaker 01 Before you get under the covers, just take out your pen and just write down the date and what time it says on the clock.
1:01:00 Mel Robbins? Oh, my God, I'm already feeling nervous.
1:01:01 Speaker 01 It's going to take 10 seconds.
1:01:02 Mel Robbins? I know, but I'm feeling like, oh, my God, I'm about to find out that I have a point of view about myself that is not true.
1:01:09 Speaker 01 Now, here's what this is.
1:01:10 Mel Robbins? I'm sitting here telling you on my own podcast, Charles, and I go to bed early every night like my husband does, and I think I'm going to find out Mel Robbins is a liar.
1:01:20 Mel Robbins? Actually, it's like 10:30, Mel, it's not 9:30.
1:01:23 Speaker 01 And here's the dirty secret, is that Mel Robbins already knows that she's a liar.
1:01:26 Mel Robbins? Oh, my God, no, Charles.
1:01:28 Speaker 01 And you feel bad about it. You're not admitting it to yourself, but you feel bad that you're going to, when you, every night when you go to bed late, you still feel a little bit bad about it. But now, now you're taking a step to get better at it.
1:01:38 Mel Robbins? Oh, my gosh.
1:01:39 Speaker 01 Now you're moving in the right direction. You don't have to feel bad anymore. And let's say tonight you go to bed at 10:30 and you write down 10:30 in your book? That's okay.
1:01:46 Mel Robbins? It's just data.
1:01:47 Speaker 01 It's just data because you're running an experiment.
1:01:50 Mel Robbins? You know what else I'm realizing is there's so many things like this in my life. Like, for example, I am the world's best, cleanest, most like whole food eater. I would get an A++ from any expert that comes in here and talks about health and nutrition. I'm pretty good about getting my walk in every day or moving my body. Dude, the wheels are off at 8 p.m. There is something about that time period where I realize now I have a habit. I stand in front of our pantry and I pull open the drawer. And my latest, like, just, ah, is Khloe Kardashian's new protein popcorn. Damn it, is it good? And I stand there with the bag open, stick my mitt in there, and I'm just like eating from the bag.
1:02:35 Speaker 01 And you've gotten into that habit, right?
1:02:37 Mel Robbins? And then I roll it up and I put the clip on and I go back into the TV room like nothing ever happened.
1:02:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:41 Mel Robbins? So how do I use tracking to stop myself from doing that?
1:02:44 Speaker 01 So, okay, so, so tracking can definitely, what I'm hearing you say in that moment is I have a habit I want to change.
1:02:51 Mel Robbins? Yes, I don't want to be, like, if I've gone all day, you know how you have a good day? You're like, you, you, we got a winner here. I have had a good day, I've checked the boxes, I've drank the water, I've had all the good foods, I've connected with my people, I planned my morning, I made my bed, I moved my body. Then I'm pouring a Manhattan and eating popcorn all night.
1:03:12 Speaker 01 Exactly.
1:03:12 Mel Robbins? Like, what, what is happening?
1:03:13 Speaker 01 So, so let's talk about, because there's the difference between creating a new habit and changing an old habit.
1:03:19 Mel Robbins? Oh.
1:03:20 Speaker 01 Oftentimes when we talk about changing a habit, we refer to it as breaking a habit. I'm gonna stop doing that thing. And what we know is we know that that's not enough. We have to use what's called the golden rule.
1:03:31 Mel Robbins? What's the golden rule?
1:03:32 Speaker 01 Don't try and extinguish a habit, rather figure out what the cue and the reward are, and then change the behavior so that it's something that's related to the old cue and that delivers something similar to the old reward. So let's take your popcorn habit.
1:03:46 Mel Robbins? Okay.
1:03:46 Speaker 01 Okay, so let me ask you, what is the cue?
1:03:49 Mel Robbins? That's like the healthy version. I mean, sometimes it's the ice cream standing with the freezer open and the spoon right in the pint.
1:03:57 Speaker 01 So, so what is the cue? When you're, when you're standing in front of the pantry, your fan is standing in front of the freezer?
1:04:01 Mel Robbins? You know what it is? It's like, I'm, I'm somewhere else in my house and it's sort of that, that zone where dinner's done.
1:04:11 Mel Robbins? And the kids aren't home anymore. The dogs are kind of laying down because they're now tired. And I'm trying to decide, am I going to watch something? Am I going to read something? Am I going to log back onto my computer? Am I going to have a glass of wine? Am I going to? And, and there's something about that zone. Or if I'm watching a program and the program is like halfway done, I just find myself floating toward the kitchen.
1:04:41 Speaker 01 Right.
1:04:41 Mel Robbins? There's something about filling that time.
1:04:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:44 Mel Robbins? That leads me to make the choices that aren't, that like seem to cancel everything. It's like your chocolate croissant after the run.
1:04:52 Speaker 01 Let me, let me suggest to you what I think the cue is.
1:04:54 Mel Robbins? Please.
1:04:54 Speaker 01 You're bored.
1:04:55 Mel Robbins? Yes.
1:04:56 Speaker 01 You're bored.
1:04:57 Mel Robbins? And lonely.
1:04:57 Speaker 01 You're, you're bored and lonely. You're halfway through an episode and you're like, what's going to happen next? That's kind of the most boring part of the episode. You're, you're trying to decide whether you should read a book or watch a show or do emails. It's kind of a boring question.
1:05:10 Mel Robbins? Yes.
1:05:11 Speaker 01 You're bored. So that's your cue. That moment of boredom.
1:05:13 Mel Robbins? By the way, I'm just realizing.
1:05:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:05:14 Mel Robbins? Is also what happens that makes me stay up too late.
1:05:18 Speaker 01 Yep.
1:05:18 Mel Robbins? Because I then do something that then makes me stay up a little bit later. And the next thing you know, I'm writing 1130 down in that damn notebook next to the bed that you told me to put there.
1:05:28 Speaker 01 You want to fight that boredom.
1:05:30 Mel Robbins? Okay.
1:05:30 Speaker 01 So, so, okay, we know the cue. The cue is that you just have a, and that's totally natural. Everyone has moments of boredom during their day. We're going to, we're going to respect that cue.
1:05:38 Mel Robbins? Okay.
1:05:39 Speaker 01 Now, we're going to talk about the reward. What reward are you getting when you eat that popcorn or you eat that ice cream?
1:05:46 Mel Robbins? Oh, I'm no longer bored because I'm distracting myself.
1:05:49 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:05:49 Mel Robbins? Yes, like, and that's also why I pick up my phone. Like, because now, instead of being lonely or bored, I'm now distracting myself. And I'm like thinking about something else. So I've occupied my mind.
1:05:59 Speaker 01 And you know what I love about your answer is you're exactly right. And you didn't say, oh, it's because the ice cream tastes so good. Or, oh, it's because the popcorn tastes so good. That, that is a small.
1:06:08 Mel Robbins? Which it does, but yes.
1:06:08 Speaker 01 It does, it does. But you recognize the reward is that you need something distraction. You need novelty, right? That's what oftentimes when we eat something sweet, when we pick up our phone, what we're seeking is we're seeking novelty because novelty is the opposite of boredom. So now we know the cue is boredom. The reward that you are craving is novelty, is something that's distracting.
1:06:33 Speaker 01 What's a new behavior that we could stick into that habit loop?
1:06:37 Mel Robbins? Dear God, I don't know. What was the research telling me to do? What could I do?
1:06:40 Speaker 01 Well, um, I don't know. Let's brainstorm a little bit, right?
1:06:44 Mel Robbins? Okay.
1:06:45 Speaker 01 Because we need to, we just need a behavior that gives you some sense of novelty.
1:06:49 Mel Robbins? You know what I think I should do? I think I should go find Chris.
1:06:53 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:06:54 Mel Robbins? Or I should call Chris.
1:06:55 Speaker 01 That's perfect.
1:06:55 Mel Robbins? Yes. Before I go to the kitchen, I'm going to pick up the phone, call somebody versus looking at something online.
1:07:00 Speaker 01 That's exactly right. So, so here's what you've done. You have reprogrammed that habit. You have changed that habit by observing the golden rule. By observing, by respecting the cue and the reward and just finding a new behavior, a new routine that corresponds that old cue and that old reward. And now, now when you get bored tonight and you're standing in front of the pantry, you're going to think to yourself, I'm just going to call Chris. And as soon as you call Chris, you're not even going to give a second thought to going.
1:07:25 Mel Robbins? That's so true. That's true.
1:07:27 Speaker 01 Because you understand, you've diagnosed the cue and the reward that's driving your behaviors. And now you're in control of them. Now you're deciding what behaviors you want and which behaviors you don't want.
1:07:37 Mel Robbins? I love this. I'm about to go on a hunt for the cue. I'm going to do the cold, like, prediction and planning. If this happens, then I'm going to do that. And then I'm going to savor the reward. I love this.
1:07:49 Speaker 01 Well, and the best part is we can teach our kids to do this. I do this all the time with my kids. When my kids say, hey dad, I want to, I want to go ride my bike tomorrow to school. Is that okay? We sit down and we say, okay, what's the cue? What's the cue for like waking up and remembering to ride your bike? Okay, you're going to have to leave a little bit early, right? Because it takes longer to ride your bike. So let's set the alarm clock 10 minutes early.
1:08:07 Mel Robbins? And put the helmet right next to it.
1:08:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, and put the helmet right next to it so that you remember your helmet. You don't have to look for it. And then the routine is riding your bike. And what's the reward? I ask my kids and they say, oh, well, you know, after school, I'm going to get to go hang out with my friends. Because now we can ride our bike all over town. So now he's reminding himself of the reward. He's giving himself the reward. He's savoring the reward. When we teach our kids to do this, we are giving them one of the strongest tools they can have to be successful in life.
1:08:33 Mel Robbins? Well, and I also love the visual of take out a piece of paper, draw three columns, what's the cue? What are all the different cues I could use? What is the cold pattern I'm gonna do? And what is the reward? And make sure to savor it. Charles, you're a genius. This is the best book on habits. I love that there are super habits and that the benefit of exercising, the benefit of getting intentional about your morning routine and the anticipation and the slowing down and relaxing and then that connection that you create and then this notion of a habit of tracking something so that you snap yourself into intentional behavior. Even just listening to you,
1:09:17 Mel Robbins? I'm literally like, I'm the kind of person that has good habits because I know Charles. If the person listening takes just one thing from this,
1:09:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:09:26 Mel Robbins? what is it that you want them to do?
1:09:27 Speaker 01 What I want them to do is I want you to believe that you can change any habit. There is, there is someone in this world who has smoked their last cigarette today. There is someone who went and exercised for the first time today and in a year from now, they're gonna run a marathon. Any habit can be changed. We have the power to be the people we want to be. And there's, there's techniques. There's lessons that we can learn to make it easier. But the science says that this is true. We can be the person we want to be by changing our habits. And any habit can be created. Any habit can be changed. You can live the life that you want.
1:10:07 Mel Robbins? I love that. And I believe you that if we focus on these three things, the cue, the cold pattern, and the reward, then we're using science to help us do it. Charles, do it. What are your parting words?
1:10:22 Speaker 01 You know, my parting words are...
1:10:25 Speaker 01 It's really easy to get down on ourselves. And there's a type of habit that we haven't really talked about, which are mental habits. Right? And sometimes we don't think of them as habits. We, um, we get down on ourselves because we start thinking about like all the things that we should have done better. Right? We get angry because, you know, we think about like that, that call that we got from our dad and sort of riles us up. Those are mental habits. Those are habits that happen automatically. There's a cue and there's a reward. And once we recognize them as habits, we get to interrupt them. So one of the things that I do is whenever I get into one of those spirals where I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong. Here's all the mistakes I've made. I force myself. I take, that's my cue.
1:11:05 Speaker 01 I take a second. I think, I'm going to think of four things that I've done really well in the last month. Right? And, and I'm going to let myself actually enjoy feeling that because there's part of us that says like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you, those aren't important. Nope, nope. I'm going to take a second. I'm going to let myself savor that, you know? Like my wife needed me to come pick her up at something and I showed up and I did it. And I, and my son was having trouble at school and we had a, we had a real conversation about it. And like, instead of telling him how to fix the problem, I just asked him questions. So he figured out the solution on his own. I'm going to feel good about that. That's the reward I'm going to give myself. When I start taking control of my mental habits, that's when suddenly I am in control of how happy I am.
1:11:50 Speaker 01 And so that's the one part of thing that I would leave people with is if you find yourself falling into mental patterns that you don't like, just recognize they're habits. They have cues and they have rewards. You can change them like, just like you started running or just like you drink four glasses of water every day.
1:12:07 Mel Robbins? You're amazing. I think that should be your next book. Habits of happiness. Fabulous, Charles Dewig. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
1:12:17 Speaker 01 Thank you for having me, Mel. This is such a treat.
1:12:19 Mel Robbins? I just love this. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. I feel smarter. I kind of feel, I don't know how you feel as you've been listening to us. Like, let's go make some habits. I mean, let's go run. Let's go drink more water. Let's have a morning routine. And if you can make us feel that way about habits, Charles, you absolutely nailed this. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Because I'm empowered and I know as you're listening and you're sharing this with people that you care about, you're empowered too. And that's exactly what I hoped would happen. And one more thing, I want to make sure, in case no one else tells you, I make this a habit, I really do, I make it a habit to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And this entire conversation
1:13:01 Mel Robbins? today taught you the science and the research that shows that habits are the foundation of your life. That if you want to change who you are, you heard Charles say it, take a look at the habits of the kind of person that you want to be, and then use the science that you learned today, find the cue, the cold pattern, and the reward, and now you have the simple secret to making that behavior who you are. I love this. Alrighty, I can't wait to see how this conversation changes your life and the people that you shared it with. And I will also be waiting for you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.
1:13:44 Speaker 01 Really?
1:13:45 Mel Robbins? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't, it's crazy.
1:13:48 Speaker 01 That sounds like fun.
1:13:49 Mel Robbins? I would be consumed by what everybody else is doing.
1:13:53 Speaker 01 Yeah. Comparison is the thief of joy.
1:13:56 Mel Robbins? Thousand percent. Alright, we ready? We're ready. Alright, cool. Here we go. Give me a compliment. Is that what you said? That's not it? That'll get you slapped in the face.
1:14:04 Speaker 01 Yes, that's not, that's not the way to do it. And I will also say, my wife usually wakes up before I do, because she runs. She's a crazy runner, and she runs way more than I do.
1:14:13 Mel Robbins? Which means, we know, she doesn't use her credit card as much as you do.
1:14:16 Speaker 01 Exactly.
1:14:17 Mel Robbins? And I'll be waiting for you. And I know you're, and I also want to say, thank you for watching all the way to the end.
1:14:23 Speaker 01 Thank you for coming. You're dynamite.
1:14:28 Mel Robbins? Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
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