2 Powerful Tools to Create Healthy Connections | The Mel Robbins Podcast [ENCORE]

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In this episode, you are going to learn why you struggle in certain #relationships and how to let more love in. Whether you struggle in your #friendships or your #romantic relationships, or you don’t feel connected to your #family or the community where you live, today's conversation will give you the insight and tools that you need to create better and more loving relationships everywhere. Dr. Marisa Franco is a NYT bestselling author, award-winning therapist, and professor of psychology at The University of Maryland. She dedicated her professional practice to the study of connections and systemic #loneliness. What will really catch your attention is her research on attachment styles and what they look like in real time, which has been an incredible game changer for me and my personal relationships, particularly with my husband. Attachment style theory goes way beyond "love languages," and once you know yours, you’ll be less triggered by others around you. Understand the attachment styles of others, and you’ll take things less personally. In today’s episode, you’re getting a complete guide to: - What attachment styles are and how they look in real life. - The questions to ask yourself to figure out what your style is. - How to tell if you’re hanging out with the right people. - The one thing avoidant attachment people have a really hard time doing. - How your attachment style determines who you’re attracted to. - Why you might be confusing being triggered with being in love. - Key strategies to start developing a secure attachment style yourself. After listening to this episode, you’ll see the people in your life through an entirely new lens and with an abundance of compassion. This is an encore episode with new and exciting insights from me at the top of the episode. You keep asking about how to make and keep healthy relationships, and it starts with developing a healthy relationship with yourself. Xo Mel In this episode: 00:00 Intro 05:25 Let’s begin with the first style. What is a secure attachment style? 06:57 What does anxious attachment look like? 08:34 Avoidant attachment-type people have a hard time trusting. 10:02 Those who experienced high-trauma situations are more likely to have this style. 11:32 What do these attachment styles look like in real life? 11:45 Is it easier to identify attachment styles in yourself or others? 23:17 How do you have a relationship with someone who has an avoidant style? 27:23 Can you have more than one attachment style? 29:31 How can you develop a more secure attachment? 33:57 Avoidantly attached people actually do have an underlying need for connection. 39:18 These activities will help you start connecting with your body again. 41:44 Here’s how you can create a ‘safe’ space for someone with avoidant attachment. 53:07 Do you confuse being triggered with being in love? 1:03:13 So how do you find securely attached people to hang out with? 1:07:43 This is why understanding attachment styles has been a game changer. #attachment #lovelanguage #attachmentstyles — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

• 0:03Speaker 1

  You are going to finally get some answers to questions that I am sure have been on your mind for a long time. Questions like, why do I always feel left out in my friend group? Why do I always date the same losers over and over and over again? The answer is attachment theory. You're about to learn that attachment style impacts every relationship, your friendships, your work colleagues, your family, yourself, because attachment style is all about you and how you show up in relationships. And that's why it impacts everything. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to another incredible episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:46Speaker 0

  So it's summer season, at least here in

• 0:49Speaker 1

  the United States. I just opened up my email and there was the final email of the year from our son's public high school. And it opened up with a line from the assistant headmaster, basically saying something about the summer rhythm. And summer is such an amazing time of year. It's summer here in the United States. And for me, that means, oh my gosh, the kids are gonna be home. Even the ones that work and don't live near us. They always come home for the summer. And I also see my family, which I absolutely adore. And when you get together with your friends and with your extended family, don't you want to just all get along when you get together? I've been thinking a lot about that theme because one of the highlights of our summer is that we always rent this beach house, and my parents come from Michigan, my brother and his wife come from Chicago with their two kids, and then all five of us and our two dogs pile into our cars and drive down to this beach house.

• 1:49Speaker 1

  And for one glorious week out of the year, we are packed into that house. So the question becomes with 11 family members under one roof. How the heck do you get along when you all get together? I'll tell you a simple secret. Attachment styles. What are attachment styles? Well, attachment styles are really interesting because attachment styles are nothing more than how you give and receive love. And every single person that you know has a particular attachment style. So your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, your kids, your spouse, your friends, your boss, every single human being that you know gives and receives love in a particular way. And this goes way beyond the five love languages. This is something that has to do with human development.

• 2:36Speaker 1

  There are four types of attachment styles. And what I love most about this framework is that when you know your own attachment style, how you give and receive love, you will be less likely to be triggered by the people around you. And when you understand somebody else's, like you can sit around a loud, boisterous, long table where the family's gotten together and it's a big barbecue and somebody's pissed off at somebody else because they said something about something else, and somebody's rolling their eyes and that one's drinking too much. You can scan the table after the conversation you're about to hear today and be like, oh, that's avoidant attachment. Ooh, that's anxious attachment. Ooh, that's just oh, that one's pretty secure.

• 3:23Speaker 1

  And when you can understand how somebody gives and receives love, it will change absolutely everything about your relationships. Why? Well, because you won't take things personally, which means you won't get triggered, which means when the you know what hits the fan, you're gonna be the calm centered, collected adult in the room. And trust me, that makes getting together a whole lot better. So here's what we're gonna do today to prepare you for the season of summer, vacations with friends, piling into an Airbnb with 18 other people that you've split it with, that beach share house, that long extended vacation with family, that motor home trip that you've booked with the kids. We're gonna make you enjoy it because you're about to learn all about attachment styles, what they are, how to identify them other people, and what tools you can use to help all of you get along.

• 4:17Speaker 1

  So, how are we gonna do that? Well, I have tracked down one of the world's leading experts on attachment theory. Her name is Dr. Marissa Franco. She's a psychologist, a professor at the University of Maryland. She's also the New York Times bestselling author of the book on attachment styles and how they impact your friendships. That book, it is called platonic. And don't you worry, I'm gonna put all her information in the show notes, just like always. And that's important because it's not just your romantic relationships. You're about to learn that attachment style impacts every relationship, your friendships, your work colleagues, your family, yourself, because attachment style is all about you and how you show up in relationships.

• 5:04Speaker 1

  And that's why it impacts everything. So let's get you feeling secure and get Dr. Marissa Franco on the line, people. Dr. Franco, I am so excited that you're joining us. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you so much for having me. In your work, you describe four attachment styles. And so the first one is secure. What does that

• 5:24Speaker 0

  mean?

• 5:25Speaker 1

  Secure, you are comfortable

• 5:27Speaker 0

  giving and receiving love. You trust that other people love you. You can bring up conflict very level-headedly. Your skill is really perspective taking when something happens in your relationships, you are thinking about the other person's needs and your own and how to balance both of your needs. You tend to be a really good friend. You're more likely to initiate friendships, less likely to end friendships, more likely to maintain them. Um, you know, very comfortable being vulnerable, but in a flexible way, whereas, you know, anxious people, you'll see them be vulnerable, vulnerable, vulnerable, other people aren't responding and they're still pushing vulnerability, where secure people are like, if you're not responsive to this, I'm gonna become less vulnerable. They tend to look for relationships with other people that are healthy, right? Because their assumption is that I'm lovable and I deserve to be loved by other

• 6:13Speaker 1

  people. So at the basis of somebody with a secure attachment style, you have an assumption that you are lovable and that you deserve to be loved.

• 6:22Speaker 0

  Yeah, it's kind of like you're on your own side, right? Is there anybody on the planet like that? Just, you know.

• 6:28Speaker 1

  Can you introduce me to them? I I'm not kidding. Um because it feels like that's a very whole and uh safe and healthy human being.

• 6:45Speaker 0

  Yeah. And attachment is a spectrum, right? So nobody's fully secure, just like nobody's fully anxious or nobody's fully avoidant. So the

• 6:53Speaker 1

  second one is anxious. So can you tell us what your anxious, what an anxious attachment style might be? So your core fear

• 7:01Speaker 0

  is that everybody's abandoning you. You tend to see rejection even when it's not occurring, like a friend is like tired and you're like, oh my God, they're rejecting me, they hate me, or a friend has taken a little longer to respond to you, right? You don't consider other people's circumstances when determining how they're treating you. You just take everything personally at the neurological level. Research finds that your amygdala, which is the part of your brain associated with stress is more sensitive. It lights up more than people of other attachment styles. Um you are, you know, kind of passive aggressive in conflicts. You are very self-sacrificing until you sort of blow up because you can't take it anymore, right? Your relationships just tend to be kind of unbalanced. It's you giving, giving, giving until you can anymore, and then you sort of just pull away.

• 7:46Speaker 0

  Uh, you're not very flexible. You can be kind of controlling again because, like I spoke about earlier, you need other people to soothe your emotions. So when someone is doing something and you feel triggered, you almost have to try to control them to get you to soothe your own emotions. So anxiously attached people, they're almost like they're like kind of avoidant towards themselves. Like they'll their internal dialogue is like, I'm too much, you know, these feelings aren't okay, right? They very much invalidate their own feelings and emotions, which is part of the reason why they really need other people to validate themselves. You basically just describe me. I don't know if you knew that this was a

• 8:23Speaker 1

  therapy session for Mel Robbins, but Dr. Franco, we just have a diagnosis now. Let's talk about the third attachment style, avoidant.

• 8:32Speaker 0

  Yeah. So avoidant people, they fundamentally don't trust others. They think if I get close to you, you are going to harm me. So they don't get close to others. They might have they don't initiate as much. They're more likely to end friendships, more likely to ghost on others, not as emotional. Very struggle so much with vulnerability, not only in themselves, but other people. Like if you're if you're vulnerable with someone who's more avoidant, they might pull away from you, right? In relationships that feels like there's a dance with them where you feel like you're getting close to them, and then all of a sudden they sort of back away. Uh, they tend to ignore problems, they minimize them, they ignore conflict, they talk like everything's always okay and why are you making a big deal of them? Like they have this assumption that people shouldn't have needs, both them and other people.

• 9:21Speaker 0

  And so when it comes to friendship, they're sort of like low effort and low reward. They don't put a lot of effort into their relationships, and they also feel very disconnected from other people.

• 9:32Speaker 1

  Hmm. And then you said there was a fourth one. It's not quite organized, meaning that the style is the style when it comes to connection or like trying to connect, but that it's uh this fourth one that's a little bit more disorganized, you said. So can you explain a little bit more about that one?

• 9:51Speaker 0

  Yeah, so this disorganized it's it's people that have really grown up in more extreme situations, like abuse, and so they have to sort of pull out. Whole toolbox of strategies to try to find safety. So it's it's sort of like they kind of flip between anxious and avoidant, depending on how you're interacting with them. You know, once you get closer to them, they all of a sudden might become avoidant and feel a sudden need to very much withdraw. It's like they feel this duality, like I really want to connect with people, but I'm also so petrified of connection. And it puts them in a bit of a freeze state. Like there's this feeling that I'm kind of like paralyzed. I don't know what to do in this relationship. I don't know whether to come close or to pull away because I have both of these needs that feel so strong within me.

• 10:36Speaker 1

  Why, Dr. Franco, do attachment styles matter.

• 10:42Speaker 0

  Yes. So our attachment style really impacts how we give and receive love and thus our ability to build healthy relationships with other people. Wow.

• 10:56Speaker 1

  Does everybody have an attachment style?

• 10:58Speaker 0

  Yeah, we all have an attachment style. It's basically like um we all come into new relationships, which with a set of assumptions. And those assumptions define our attachment style.

• 11:11Speaker 1

  Okay. So can you give me uh we know that the four attachment styles we've already talked about? Secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Disorganized, yeah. Can you give me four signs of each attachment style?

• 11:27Speaker 0

  Sure. Yeah. So let's think about this practically in our relationships. If you're with someone securely attached, you set a boundary with them, they accept the boundary. They don't try to push it, change it, they don't suddenly pull away because you set that boundary. Um, if you're with someone securely attached, they're comfortable being vulnerable. You'll see that they're being vulnerable with you, but almost in a more reciprocal way. Like they'll be vulnerable, they'll wait for you to be vulnerable back, then they'll be more vulnerable. Uh, whereas someone avoidantly attached really won't be able to be vulnerable. If someone is securely attached, they can they can address you directly, but not confrontationally. So let's say this is in a uh friendship context, right? Where you know, it feels like the friendship has been one sided.

• 12:14Speaker 0

  The securely attached friend will say, I love you, I want to be close to you. And I've noticed I've been the one reaching out, and that's been hurting me, and I want our friendship to continue. So I figured I'd bring this up. Um, so those are some signs of securely attached people. Anxiously attached people, you know, their core fear is that everyone will abandon them. So you can tell what someone's anxiously attached when they are they're almost like willing to give up their sense of self to be in relationship with other people. So they're like hyper accommodating often until it really blows up and then and then they become the opposite. Um, when it comes, they anxiously attached people because they fear abandonment, they're not necessarily good at setting boundaries. So they might agree to things and then it seems like they're resentful about it.

• 13:03Speaker 0

  We talked about, you know, egoistic giving that they're generous oftentimes to get people to like them. They're attracted to relationships with people that don't seem to like them very much because they've learned that they had to earn love. So you'll see an anxiously attached per person having these friendships with people or these relationships with people that kind of mistreat them because that makes them motivated to earn love. And that's what they learned about love that it's something that's earned, not freely given. Um and then avoidantly attached people, you'll know they're avoidant because they're they're never vulnerable. You you don't feel like you really know them. When you maybe do have a moment of intimacy and closeness, they suddenly pull away and you're like, what the heck is going on?

• 13:49Speaker 0

  They have they have a lot of shame, but they don't really admit to it. So they they're really struggle with things like apologizing, whereas uh anxiously attached person is gonna overapologize. The avoidantly attached person is gonna say, no, this is not my fault. This is kind of your fault. Um, they just don't tend to put much effort into their relationship. So if you feel like, man, this person, I'm trying to connect with them, they're not really meeting me there. And that person might be more avoidantly attached. Like I can't get them to like try. They're not really trying. Um, that might be a sign of avoidantly attach avoidant attachment. That being said, of course, attachment is not stagnant in different relationships. We can have different attachment styles based off of the attachment style of the other person.

• 14:35Speaker 0

  So, you know, it's hard, it's hard to say based on your your interactions with one person, what their attachment style is.

• 14:42Speaker 1

  What about somebody who's disorganized? What are some of the signs that you're you're kind of in a relationship or a friendship with somebody who has a disorganized attachment style?

• 14:52Speaker 0

  Yeah. So the disorganized attachment style is it's not organized, right? So it feels like chaos. Sometimes they want you to get really close, sometimes they're pushing you away. Um sudden withdrawal. Um, they're they're they have trouble regulating their emotions because their relationships have not helped them do that in the past. You know, people have not validated their feelings. So you might get more um escalation, more anger. Um, they might be interpreting we're actions with a lot of negative intent, like you're going out of your way to harm me, to kind of destroy me. And so it'll, it'll kind of feel chaotic. Like you kind of will be like, what is going on? Like I thought we were just connecting, and they have a kind of very different interpretation of the situation.

• 15:42Speaker 0

  And usually with a disorganized attachment style, there's a history of a pretty a pretty brutal background, like a history of some sort of abuse in childhood.

• 15:53Speaker 1

  Is it easier to spot someone's attachment style in yourself or in somebody else?

• 16:01Speaker 0

  You know, one way that I hear other people's attachment style is like how they perceive other people. So, you know, the the insecure attach you with anxious people, you hear them say, like all my relationships are fragile or everybody's gonna kind of abandon me. And the avoidance, you'll hear them say, nobody can be trusted, right? And when you have this one template about everybody, it's a sign that it's not actually everybody because you're not actually discerning each person, you just are coming in with this understanding and superimposing it onto the present, which is what attachment style is really. Um so when I hear someone secure though, they'll they always try to give people the benefit of the doubt while having boundaries. So they'll say things like, I had to love that person from afar. And they can admit that even when I had, I even though we didn't maybe like when they talk about their exes, there'll be some complexity.

• 16:52Speaker 0

  Like it didn't work out for this reason, but I like them for this reason instead of like a my ex was, you know, just evil. Um, so you'll you'll hear that complexity with securely attached people, and you'll hear them trying to trying to be as loving as possible to people while also having them recognize what they they need for themselves. So kind of both things. There's just more nuance with securely attached people and avoidant, I'm sorry, I'm answering your previous question, but I'm realizing so I have so many more thoughts on this, whereas avoidantly attached people actually have memory issues because they block out their emotion. If you ask them to talk about things, they um are not very expressive. Like it's hard to get them to describe things. It's hard to get them to describe what they think or what they feel because our emotions are big indicators of what we think it feels and our opinions in our internal world.

• 17:43Speaker 0

  So it'll almost feel like with someone avoidantly attached, it's like, yeah, it it the conversation is maybe when it's specifically when you talk about relationships, the conversation doesn't go as as deep. Whereas um anxiously attached people, their memory, they tend to misremember things and remember things as more negative than they actually were. Um so that's really interesting, quirk attachment theory and memory. But you know, back to your major question, which was is it easier to recognize in yourself and someone else? Honestly, I think anxiously attached people tend to be so hungry for information as to how to improve. So when I talk, anxiously attached people already, you know, they follow up with me and they're like, that's me. Like I'm anxiously attached, I cling, I'm so afraid everyone's gonna abandon me. And I think everybody's judging me.

• 18:29Speaker 0

  So I I think often anxiously attached people, they hear, you know, the basics of attachment theory and they kind of you know quickly see themselves in it. That's not happened to me as much with avoidantly attached people. Again, they struggle with vulnerability. So I imagine it would be harder to say I'm avoidantly attached and I've had these struggles in the past. Um, if you were if I have a

• 18:50Speaker 1

  question about that, because that's fascinating. If you are avoidantly attached and you're listening to somebody talk about attachment theory, given that somebody that has an anxious attachment style might immediately self-diagnose, might immediately see themselves. What is an what is an avoidant attachment style person likely to experience as they're learning about attachment styles and considering themselves as they're listening to you, Dr. Franco?

• 19:25Speaker 0

  Yeah, discomfort. Um, you know, when you get deep with avoidantly attached people, or you um try to get them to acknowledge some of their wounds, they feel very uncomfortable with that and will kind of maybe they'll stop listening. Honestly, I mean, some this is obviously depends. And honestly, there's some research that finds that if you're in a relationship with someone who's avoidant but has humility, there's a lot better outcomes. Whereas the if the avoidant person is like everything's your fault and I'm fine and you're being sensitive and right, um, then that's it's gonna be. Really hard to connect with that specific form of avoidant attachment. But so there has to be, you know, with an avoidant attachment, a willingness to look at yourself and to be conscious of your patterns, which I think anxiously attached people tend to be more willing to do, you know, if you're having conflict with an avoidant person, often they are just stonewalling or they're ghosting or they're minimizing or they're saying, like, we're not gonna talk about this.

• 20:28Speaker 0

  Like basically anything related to relationships and intimacy really scares and overwhelms avoidantly attached people. Like, you know, sometimes we think of anxiously attached people as sensitive more sensitive in that they get really overwhelmed when a relationship's not going well. But so do avoidantly attached people, they just express it, they express that sensitivity through removal. Like it's it's they can't, they can't, they're so overwhelmed emotionally by relationships by intimacy. And so they're stonewalling, which is a sign of being emotionally overwhelmed, they're being closed off, they're being dismissive because it's too emotionally overwhelming to look at some of their own patterns because fundamentally avoidantly attached people have a lot of shame.

• 21:14Speaker 0

  If you tell them they've made a mistake, they have this core belief that I am a failure, that I am deficient. They probably won't admit that to you. Um, right. But any time you try to offer a critique to an avoidantly attached person that you might trigger that core wound of I'm a failure, I'm deficient, which is why it feels it can feel so hard for an avoidantly attached person to hear some of their patterns and hear some of their dynamics.

• 21:41Speaker 1

  What I love about what you're teaching us is I think that we've gotten to this point, especially when you look at content on social media, where there's so much of a push to cut people out of your life to label that sort of stonewalling is the word that you just use. But you know, if you think about it from the standpoint of somebody that has trauma in their past, or they have just an avoidant attachment style because of what they experienced as a child, and that it's just overwhelming to feel those emotions. Like if you can come at it from a sense of compassion, like I'm I I love what you're teaching us because through understanding, you might be able to keep somebody in your life instead of just being like, that's it, you're out, you don't talk, you don't go deep, you're stonewalling me, you're ghosting me.

• 22:37Speaker 1

  When really there's a there's a another side to this coin, which is no, this is a person who through their childhood gets very overwhelmed by these emotions and by intimacy, and they protect themselves by removing this isn't about hurting you, it's about them protecting themselves. Am I kind of processing this the right way, Dr. Franco?

• 23:01Speaker 0

  You are certainly, certainly. Um, you know, I think if you want to be in relationship with someone who's avoidant, it's important that you try to get your needs met in another relationship, right? Like not trying to depend on this one avoidant person to meet all of your needs. The more that your needs are met elsewhere, the more you can be flexible with the person that's more avoidant, right? So the more that I feel like in another relationship makes me feel secure, another relationship I can be really vulnerable and deep, another relationship I feel um really loved and valued, right? Then you kind of have your cup full enough to be able to be more flexible with that avoidantly attached person who's like, you know, we had some intimacy now, I need a breather and I need to kind of pull away for a while.

• 23:52Speaker 0

  Um, but I I do think that we should challenge avoidantly attached people to say that it's okay that you need boundaries around intimacy, and it's okay that intimacy scares you, but you also need to fill people in. Like you have to just say, be able to say, like, hey, I'm a little overwhelmed right now, like I need like about a week and then I'll I'll come back and we can talk about this, right? Instead of not communicating anything and just sort of um of ghosting on people, because that that hurts people a lot. So even you know, I think on both does it

• 24:28Speaker 1

  hurt the person who's avoidant when they ghost. Is that contribute to shame? Or is that just a way to just kind of you know, because I

• 24:37Speaker 0

  we're yeah,

• 24:37Speaker 1

  sorry, go ahead.

• 24:39Speaker 0

  So what we see the pattern being like is anxiously attached people think too much about other people and not enough about themselves and avoidantly attached people think a lot about themselves and their own needs and not as much about their impact on other people. So um, you know, the anxious person being willing to completely sacrifice their sense of self and do whatever their partner needs, and they're not actually happy, but they still feel like they're in a relationship with another person, which is not actually the goal, right? The goal isn't to be at a relationship at all costs, it's to like be in a relationship that elevates you and helps you express who you are and you know, makes you feel happier. Um, but the avoidantly attached person, they're very it's like when you you're negotiating with someone and they have all the resources and all the power.

• 25:26Speaker 0

  Like it just tends to be the anxiously attached person who's adjusting to the avoidantly attached person, because the avoidantly attached person is like, well, I'm okay alone. I'm okay independent. I don't really need these relationships with other people, but you will find that avoidantly attached people, they tend to have like a phantom X, where while they're in a relationship, they don't appreciate it. But then when it's over, they look back on it. Once they're like avoidant, they call these like deactivating strategies, which is like basically at some point this avoidant side of them really takes over, and all they can think about is needing space and feeling suffocated and needing boundaries. It's like kind of like crisis mode. But once they have that space, that deactivating side moves away, and they tend to look back on these relationships and miss them and feel lonely and realize that they do also really need connection.

• 26:16Speaker 0

  So it's the avoidantly attached person is kind of in this very stuck place where it's like one side of me really needs connection, and another side of me is so afraid of it, afraid of it because I think if you get too close, you're gonna harm me. That is what the avoidantly attached person sees. I think if you get too close, you're not actually gonna like who I am. You're gonna see me as less than and deficient and a failure, right? So there's they can't decouple intimacy for its beauty and its feelings of connection and meaning from intimacy as a threat, as a sign of betrayal, as a sign of being judged, as a sign of being ultimately rejected. So once, you know, once that side of threat, once that piece of threat takes the piece of threat takes over and they ghost and they might actually feel relieved from being separated from the relationship at first, but then as that deactivating part sort of melts away a little bit, they're they start to grieve, they'll have a more sort of delayed grief process around the relationship.

• 27:13Speaker 1

  Hmm.

• 27:14Speaker 0

  Can you

• 27:15Speaker 1

  have uh more than one attachment style?

• 27:19Speaker 0

  Yeah, yeah, you can. Um, like I said, in each different relationship, you can have a different attachment style. And that is it makes sense, right? Because if someone is very anxious and is like, I need all your time and attention, and you need to be showing me that you love me all the time, right? You're gonna be like, I need some space, I need some me time. I'm losing myself to try to, you know, reassure you in all these ways. And if someone's super avoidant and they're very distant and you're like trying to connect with them and they're always pulling away, you're gonna feel pretty anxious, right? Where it's like, oh my gosh, like I feel insecure. And do they actually like me? Um, so so it is a dynamic, and in different relationships, we can see different parts of our attachment style coming out.

• 28:05Speaker 0

  Uh, there's also a really fascinating theory called internal family systems theory, which is this idea that we have we all have multiple selves within us, like our sixth grade self that was bullied is still within us, and you know, our our inner child self that was like five years old and going through what he did in our family life is still within us, and at different moments, each of these selves can kind of come out and take over. And you know, if you follow that framework, like each of yourselves can have a different attachment style. But the goal of internal family systems is to be led by your highest self at any given time. Um, your highest self is like your most adult self that is most centered and stable and loving and compassionate, and that self, that highest self within us is all within all of us is secure.

• 28:53Speaker 0

  Like I do believe all of us have a piece of us that is securely attached. The more we can access that self, the more we'll feel secure in our relationships.

• 29:02Speaker 1

  Well, that sounds like good news. So it sounds like uh within each one of us is a person or a self that is capable of secure attachment. So are you saying that if you can start to identify your default attachment style and see it as a lens and an opportunity for growth and improvement, that it is possible to change your default attachment style and become more secure?

• 29:33Speaker 0

  Yes. So, like, I guess it's called like internalized secure attachment, where you have to start treating and talking to yourself like that secure attachment figure that you maybe didn't have. So, you know, when you're feeling a strong emotion, being able to tell yourself it's okay that you feel this way, like I'm right here with you. Um, you know, what are you feeling and what do you need right now? Like almost being on your own side and Being really, really loving toward yourself is like that's part of the ways that we heal. Part of the ways that we find secure attachment is like we think about, like I'll even, this is like different things I've done to find more security is like singing love songs to yourself. Um, you know, when you're activated and triggered, realizing that that's not all of you, and that there's a piece of you that is still grounded, and what does that grounded part of you want to say to the triggered part of you?

• 30:30Speaker 0

  What love does it have to give in this moment? It also takes like what's happening with the insecure attachment styles is they're reactive. They're um getting really emotionally overwhelmed and they're acting based on that sense of emotional overwhelm, right? So the anxiously attached person is like clinging, clinging, clinking, right? And it's almost like reflexive. They're not acting with intention anymore. They feel like they're almost kind of hijacked, and the avoidantly per attached person's also very hijacked, but instead it's to pull away, pull away, pull away, right? But if we can just like pause and like feel those uncomfortable emotions, like, oh my gosh, I feel I feel so rejected right now. I feel so abandoned right now. Like, where do you feel that emotion in your body?

• 31:17Speaker 0

  How can you lean into feeling it more deeply? Allow yourself to feel it, right? Because fundamentally, this acting out behavior is a way to try to cope with a very difficult underlying emotion. And you can instead of using this acting out behavior, like the anxiously attached person demanding things of the other person or clinging to the other person or the avoidantly attached person suddenly pulling away, you can develop your own tolerance for that feeling or emotion that's very uncomfortable, so that you don't have to act out in your relationships to protect yourself from it.

• 31:53Speaker 1

  I want to focus on avoidant or disorganized right now, because I really identify personally with anxious attachment. And since you already said that somebody with an anxious, anxious attachment style is kind of prone to self-diagnose and want to fix it and always be thinking that that that that I'm thinking about avoidant now, and I'm thinking about disorganized because as you go sing a love song to yourself, I personally am like, oh, that sounds beautiful.

• 32:23Speaker 0

  But

• 32:23Speaker 1

  Dr. Franco, can we talk to the person who's listening right now? Who just had a visceral, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. No, I'm serious because I I think that for people who are already like, yeah, I I'm sick of being hijacked by my emotions. I am married to somebody who is avoidant. I realized in researching this show, Dr. Franco and getting ready for this interview. I didn't understand attachment style, and yet I have been talking about it in couples therapy for two years because I'm anxious and my husband is avoidant. And the shame piece that he feels and puts onto himself is something I was unaware of.

• 33:08Speaker 1

  Like I've been griping that, oh, you know, I'm married to this guy that's really quiet and

• 33:15Speaker 0

  doesn't run

• 33:17Speaker 1

  and trying to draw them out.

• 33:19Speaker 0

  And

• 33:19Speaker 1

  so could you first explain to somebody who's having a this is not I'm not gonna tell myself why the hell would you do that? Could you explain why it is so important for happiness and confidence and success, these things that we all deserve to learn how to change and grow toward a more secure attachment, particularly for somebody who's avoidant or disorganized.

• 33:52Speaker 0

  Yeah, here's the thing about avoidantly attached people. They think they're super independent and don't really need anyone, but that's a defense mechanism against an underlying need for connection that they don't think they can actually fulfill. And I think if you're being really honest with yourself, no matter what your attachment style is, you'll see that you a part of you really does crave connection. And if you felt like you could find it and feel comfortable and safe with it, that would it would feel a lot safer for you to admit it to yourself. And I'll also say that you will not know how beautiful connection, deep profound, sustaining connection is until you find it. Um that's the only way that you'll be able to judge whether you need connection in your life or not, right?

• 34:38Speaker 0

  Because you're thinking you don't need connection, but fundamentally, you don't even know what connection is because avoidantly attached people, when they're in relationships, they're not actually vulnerable, they're not sharing anything about themselves. They're not very like authentic to be real. And so that is they're connecting in a very shallow way, and they're saying when they're saying I don't need connection, it's like I don't need that, which is you know, arguably um not true and deep connection, right? Because it's not revealing and you're not actually being known by other people and they're not knowing you, and you're not, you know, there's not this giving and receiving of love that's happening. It's kind of just like we're two people that are, you know, in each other's presence, right?

• 35:26Speaker 0

  And so, you know, I think there's this um, and what I'm saying is that there's this disjuncture between what the avoidant person doesn't think that they need and what connection actually is and what connection actually can be, and how connection can make you feel alive and seen and centered and grounded and supported and lighter, right? Like those are all the things that true connection will give you that you will miss out on if you're very avoidant.

• 35:54Speaker 1

  Dr. Franco, if you've never experienced that, and here you are, and you're decades into your life, and you've always had this experience of being on the outside, right? And keeping your distance and not trusting people because both your childhood taught you that you shouldn't and can't trust people, right? And that your own behavior of opting out because of your attachment style has only reinforced that because you're never stepping toward people. How on earth do you begin to change this if you've never experienced this?

• 36:35Speaker 0

  Yeah, you have to reconnect with your own emotions. You can't connect with people if you're always suppressing your emotions, which is what avoidant people do. And it starts, I mean, obviously, therapy, you know, I think therapy really, there's a there's therapists that focus on attachment style specifically. I think a lot of uh male therapists who see a lot of men tend to do a lot of avoidant attachment work because this is part of how we socialize men and there is a gender difference when it comes to attachment style where women are at least slightly more likely to be anxious, men are slightly more likely to be avoidant, right? So therapy can help, but it's even, you know, when we start allowing people to reconnect with their emotions, at first they might feel it as like a sensation, right?

• 37:22Speaker 0

  Like, do you feel a tingling anywhere in your body, right? And if you had to, if you had to turn that tingling sensation, you have to find a feeling label for it. And we take out the Can you walk us through this?

• 37:34Speaker 1

  So let's just say for somebody listening right now who literally Dr. Franco is about to go, okay. I'm turning this

• 37:40Speaker 0

  off.

• 37:41Speaker 1

  Um,

• 37:41Speaker 0

  we're talking to you.

• 37:43Speaker 1

  And for everybody who has somebody in their life like this, and I'm glad you said the the piece about the research showing that women tend to be more anxious and men tend to be more avoidant. And the only reason why I'm saying this is because as you're very well aware, and you wrote about in your book, when it comes to friendship, women are way better at naturally forming communities and men every year that you get older, you actually get further and further and further away from those connections of sports teams and fraternities and work friends and men become more and more and more isolated in and you know, we tend to be better as women connecting and staying with in friendships where we're airing emotions and men typically do not.

• 38:40Speaker 1

  And so I want to speak directly to somebody who may be hearing and learning about attachment theory for the very first time. They are considering holy cow, I think I'm avoidant.

• 38:53Speaker 0

  Yeah. I

• 38:54Speaker 1

  don't like to talk about my feelings. I don't have a lot of friends other than the person I'm dating or family connection. I don't have this kind of intimacy in terms of emotional support. What is an exercise? And can you and I role-play it for somebody that's listening right now to just dip your toe into the water of trying to experience this connection to your own emotions that you're talking about?

• 39:27Speaker 0

  Yeah. Yeah, we can we can definitely do that. One thing that I also just wanted to share briefly for avoidant buy-in, because uh it's hard to get avoidant people to buy into this is the physical health implications of your attachment style. Um, that securely attached people, both anxious and avoidant, more likely than secure people to suffer from mental health issues, anxiously attached, anxiously attached people have the highest rates of mental health issues, um avoidant attachment, avoidantly attached, somewhere between secure and Anxious and then secure people have the best mental health. Physical health, right? Because avoidant people don't access their emotion, it manifests physically. So if you're avoidantly attached and you're experiencing migraines, headaches, you don't know where you can't where they came from, gastrointestinal issues, stomach ulcers, and there's like really no, you don't you have no idea where this is coming from.

• 40:25Speaker 0

  And you're like, what is happening to my like, why am I in chronic pain, right? Like that's connected to emotional suppression and not releasing your emotions. Um that is my my last plug for finding secure attachment is your whole your health, really, like your physical health and you know how long you live. Um that's in part predicted by your ability to reconnect to human connection.

• 40:48Speaker 1

  One other thing I would love to add, um in my own experience, and then you can talk about it, Dr. Franco clinically, is just seeing that my husband is now very clear that he was not only suppressing his emotions, he was numbing them with a daily weed and alcohol habit.

• 41:09Speaker 0

  Yep. And you will definitely see that.

• 41:13Speaker 1

  So what do you what's the first thing to do? Because the North Star here, everybody, is to become securely attached, not only because of the mental health, but the physical health and just the fact that it's gonna impact the quality of the life that you're living and how you feel as you live that life, and you deserve that. So, what's the first thing that somebody that is just realizing I think I might have an avoidant attachment style should do today?

• 41:42Speaker 0

  Yeah. So the avoidant attached person, we our goal is to help them reconnect with their feelings, reconnect with self-expression, basically find their most authentic self instead of pushing it away all the time. So, you know, clinically, that might start very simply with being like, what sensations do you feel in your body? Is there a tingling sensation anywhere? Is there pressure on your chest? Is there a lump in your throat? Are you feeling like a headache? Um asking them, you know, what sensations are you feeling in their body? And then you present them, you can kind of Google the feelings wheel or put it in the show notes or something with this this wheel of feelings where they can choose from all of these different feelings that they might feel comfortable labeling this sensation that's going on in their body with a certain feeling that's on this feelings wheel.

• 42:40Speaker 0

  So what feeling would you choose here that represents the sensation that's happening in your body? So it's sort of like a it's it's sort of like a language. Like it's kind of like learning a new language and it's a practice of being able to throughout the day reflect and ask yourself, okay, like what is it that I'm feeling right now? Here's a list of feelings, which of them when I go through this list feel like they might resonate with me, which of them stir something in me. And then I think we can encourage like avoidantly attached people to literally do anything self-expressive, anything

• 43:19Speaker 1

  self-expressive.

• 43:20Speaker 0

  So would you journal? Do you want to make art? Um, do you want to sing? And I'm saying this, and I'm like, I don't know if an avoidantly attached person is gonna buy in, but anything that in your mind is self-expressive to you, it could be origami. What is this origami piece mean about um your own experience that you're going through right now? I think that um is also really really important for that reconnecting with the feelings process. I also think if you're avoidantly attached, there might be one person in your life where you're less avoidant with them because of how safe they make you feel. So could you be a- Is there

• 44:05Speaker 1

  another word for safe, Dr. Franco? So, you know, if somebody's kind of new to clinical or therapeutic language, um, and you're avoidant or disorganized, but there is that one person that in our world we're talking safe. But if you're avoidant or disorganized, what how would you describe how would an avoidant or disorganized person kind of describe how that person makes them feel like themselves?

• 44:35Speaker 0

  Yeah. Are they more

• 44:36Speaker 1

  fun? Do I feel like I can be myself around that? You know what I mean? Like, how might they describe that feeling?

• 44:44Speaker 0

  So, what is gonna make an avoidant person feel very safe is if you don't take their actions personally. If when they pull away, um, you they can come back and you'll kind of accept them. If you respect their boundaries, like they say, you know, I can't hang out right now, I can't, you know, do this right now. And you're sort of like, okay, when you're free, when you're comfortable, you're willing to kind of move at the speed of avoidance. Like you can't move too fast with an avoidantly attached person. They need time, they they move slower in intimacy. Like avoidantly attached person, you'll hear them say, it takes longer for me to build trust. And the anxiously attached person is like, I'm gonna drag you along on this journey at my speed. Because if you're not moving at my speed, I feel like you're gonna abandon me.

• 45:31Speaker 0

  So the avoidant person wants someone that's gonna be able to work on their timeline. So that person that feels safe to them will usually be someone they've known for a very long time. It's someone where they feel like they can express boundaries with or or there's need for separation or autonomy with, and that person can be okay with that and accepting of that. It's someone who they feel like is non-judgmental, you know, if they do share this person isn't trying to um change the way that they feel, they're just willing to kind of listen and accept the avoidance for where it is, right? Because we can't bulldoze people's defense mechanisms. They're there for a reason. We have to make them feel safe enough to be willing to pull down these defense mechanisms a little bit. And yeah, I think the avoidant person will also feel more.

• 46:19Speaker 0

  I think of safety as like how do you feel after hanging out with people? And the avoidant person might, when hanging out with other people because they never feel really authentic around people, they may feel really drained by social interaction, but with the person that feels safe, they might feel, and this is hard because avoidant people aren't always in touch with their feelings, but not as exhausted, instead, more recharged after someone's company.

• 46:47Speaker 1

  This is so fascinating. I want to go through a couple quick questions to further help people reflect on what their own attachment style might be. So how does each attachment style deal with anger?

• 47:06Speaker 0

  So John Bowby, father of attachment theory, he talks about two types of anger. Anger of hope, which means I use my anger as a signal that I need to heal something in this relationship. So his example is this child that you know, she was sick when she was really young, and her mother left her alone at the hospital because of the hospital restrictions, and they're watching a video of her being alone at the hospital, and she's angry. So she turns to your mom and says, Mommy, where was you? Where was you? You know, it's vulnerable. It's it's a vulnerable anger. It's I'm angry, so I'm gonna be vulnerable and admit that I'm hurt. Whereas anger of despair, Bulby argues is what insecurely attached people express. And it's this, he describes this child, Reggie, and Reggie had different caretakers growing up, and one of them was a nurse.

• 47:55Speaker 0

  She left to get married, she comes back. Reggie is like my very own Marianne, but I hate her. So Reggie's angry, and his anger manifests as let me destroy you, let me get revenge on you, so that I don't have to deal with this strong emotion. I have to coddle this strong emotion by destroying this relationship and getting revenge. And it's fundamentally because the insecurely attached person is not aware that it's possible to express yourself vulnerably and get your needs met. Really, they think, you know, either I'm not talking about this at all, or I'm gonna have to attack you and put you down because there's no middle ground of me sharing vulnerably that I'm hurt and you listening to me. That's impossible in the eyes of the insecurely attached person.

• 48:41Speaker 0

  So what we see, you know, in anxiously attached adults is they don't, they don't express their needs, they don't express their needs, they don't express their needs, they get completely overwhelmed because they haven't created that space for them to feel safe until they blow up and they kind of make these demands and they'll put you down and they'll call you incompetent. They might try to psychoanalyze you, tell you about yourself and all of your problems, right? It is just, you know, they're gonna a character assassinate you a little bit is the anxiously attached person. Um, the avoidantly attached person when they're angry. And well, here's the other thing you might see with the anxiously attached person, right? If you bring up a problem with the anxiously attached person, they're gonna go into super self blade.

• 49:30Speaker 0

  Like,

• 49:30Speaker 1

  I'm horrible, I'm awful, I've done

• 49:33Speaker 0

  everything wrong. And in some ways, they make it all about them in that sort of response, right? Like it's like, hey, you hurt me, and now I'm I'm stuck trying to reassure you because all of a sudden you feel like I've I'm like attacking the very core of your being by telling you there's an issue in this relationship, right? So so you'll see those core sort of polls with the anxiously attached person, but the avoidantly attached person, they're angry. Honestly, they're probably not telling you. And then they leave and they just withdraw. And you're like, what the heck happened? I have no idea. I thought everything was fine. But again, the avoidantly attached person feels like if I express a need, you will reject me and maybe even shame me. So they do not express the need, they do not express the need, they do not express the need, and then they kind of withdraw or pull away.

• 50:22Speaker 0

  And when you try to approach them with the need, they might tell you you're too sensitive or you want too much or you're too fragile, or you need to learn to be more independent, right? Like this very natural and normal giving and exchanging of needs that happens in any intimate relationship in their eyes to need is to is to be weak, right? Um, so they they apply that to themselves and they apply that to anyone else around them. So they just kind of get angry by pulling away, but then if you get them to engage, they'll also kind of blame it all on you. So sometimes you'll see the avoidant person being like, you know, it's your fault. I'm not attracted to you, or you need too much, or you're being too sensitive, right? Um, avoidantly attached people again have a lot of trouble admitting apologizing and admitting fault because of that core fear of being a failure and being deficient.

• 51:12Speaker 0

  And so when you try to address anything, that core fear gets sort of rubbed that I'm a failure to you. So they need a lot of softness, honestly, like avoidantly attached people. If you need to address something with them, making sure you're acknowledging everything they did well, you know, I love that you did this. I love that you cooked for me. I loved and appreciated that you, you know, responded to my text message this morning. And I would just add that if this additional thing would happen, could happen, it's gonna make me really happy. Like they can't, if you try to bring them too much emotion, they're getting very overwhelmed. So if you want to try to approach the avoidantly attached person about an issue, trying to remain calm, trying to maintain grounded, admitting all the things that they're doing right, and then just saying, and I would like to add what would make our relationship even better is if you did this additional thing for me.

• 52:05Speaker 0

  And that's that's important. I think sometimes the anxiously attached person is like the avoidantly attached person is not meeting my needs, and so you know, they're not a good person to be in relationship with, and they don't notice that actually the avoidantly attached person has made improvements. They're not necessarily at where you want them to be, but if you want them to keep growing, you have to make sure you're recognizing those improvements. Because if you leave them in that place where they feel like they're a failure, they're gonna be paralyzed, they're gonna feel like no matter what I do, I can't meet this person's expectations, and then they're just gonna sort of withdraw.

• 52:45Speaker 1

  One of the things that I love about learning about attachment styles is it feels like it's another lens or framework through which you can view your relationships and not make them so personal. You know what I mean? Yeah, like we tend to look at the way that other people behave as a direct reflection of us. And as I listen and try to absorb everything that you're saying, Dr. Franco, I'm learning more and more that a lot of times the way somebody reacts, particularly in stressful situations or situations where they feel triggered has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own internal wiring.

• 53:28Speaker 0

  Exactly, because what's happening in our body is more compelling to us than what's happening in the world, which means that if you're telling me even very kindly and politely that, like, hey, you know, you hurt me and my body's suddenly on fire and I'm feeling like I'm a failure and I'm feeling so overwhelmed, right? Like it doesn't matter that you approach me very kindly and sensitively. What I'm gonna respond to is the fire that's happening in my body, right? Like that, and that's even what I'm going to remember about the experience more so than you know how you approach me and the realities of the external circumstance. And that's why attachment style is so tricky, right? Because there's all these signs for all of us that people are loving us on any given day. People are smiling at you, people are holding the door for you, cars are stopping when you want to cross the street, people are texting you to check in.

• 54:21Speaker 0

  People are liking your Instagram page, right? But you know, if your attachment style says people don't love you, you're not gonna read and take in any of that, right? It's it's like it's not how we're impacted by our relationships is is less about well, I can't say less about, but it's not just about what's actually happening, and it's so much about how we're interpreting what's happening, and that interpretation process is our attachment style. It's our interpretation of what's happening, what the what's happening in the objective world refracted through our lens of our attachment style. And so that that is why it can get so tricky to get out of your attachment style because you see in the world all the things that match your reality, right? Like the avoidantly attached people thinks people are untrustworthy, and you're trying to show up for them so much and be reliable.

• 55:11Speaker 0

  One time something else happens and you're not able to be be reliable to them, right? And all of a sudden they're like, Oh,

• 55:18Speaker 1

  it's

• 55:18Speaker 0

  true, you can't trust people, they're all gonna betray you, right? And it's like that person's just being human. You have to let people be human. Um, so that's why like there's just this huge confirmation bias when it comes with to attachment style that can make it very hard to get out of, and why it's so helpful for me personally, and I think for everybody to learn about and understand our attachment style, to understand our lens, to understand that it is a lens and it's not just the objective reality of the situation, because through that understanding, we can we can change.

• 55:53Speaker 1

  I am curious. Do attachment styles attract opposites or the same types? I mean, how does that work? Because I often hear people going, I just keep dating the same loser over and over. You know what I'm saying? Like, I why do I always get people that are emotionally unavailable?

• 56:08Speaker 0

  Yeah. So let's think about it, right? You're you're dating someone and they're hot and cold, and all of a sudden they pull away and they don't answer your text when they say that they will. And if you're secure, right, you're like, bye. Like, I feel happy about myself. If you're not gonna treat me in a way that reflects that, I'm gonna find someone else who does, right? Like they're not willing to endure pain for the sake of being in a relationship. So who is gonna end up with a more avoidantly attached person is the person that's like, I am enthralled by your inconsistency and I have to get you to like me now, and that's my purpose and my journey. And in some ways, the highs and the lows really excite me, right? Like the anxiously attached person is going to be more likely to put up with some of the intimacy quirks of the avoidant attachment person, avoidantly attached person, right?

• 56:59Speaker 0

  Because again, the anxiously attached person is kind of willing to sacrifice their own sense of self to be in a relationship. The securely attached person is not. So it so anxiously avoidantly attached people often need anxiously attached people as the glue that will kind of keep them in relationship to each other. So that's why we see a lot of anxiously and avoidantly attached pairings, and you hear a lot of anxiously attached people that are like, I need to earn their love. If they give it freely, I you know, I'm not attracted to that, or if someone's totally secure and available, they're like, just not feeling it, right? Because they they confuse them being triggered with them being in love. They can confuse Can we talk about that? Confusing

• 57:43Speaker 1

  being triggered with being in love. Dr. Franco, let's unpack this.

• 57:47Speaker 0

  Yeah. So if you're anxiously attached and you're triggered, someone's triggering your wounds of abandonment and you're feeling high arousal because of that. You're feeling very strong emotions because you're feeling triggered and wounded. It's like hurt, hurt is like a high arousal emotion, and so is excitement and so is thrill, right? And so it can be easy to feel like I like this person because they're making me feel high arousal, which is high arousals present in pain, high arousals present in excitement. And so you're being um pulled in, you know, it's funny. When I was like more anxiously attached to people, it'd be like, I would want to be with this person until they'd want to be with me. And then I'd feel like, oh, and now I'm less excited for some reason, right?

• 58:35Speaker 0

  And that's a sign that, oh, I was being pulled in by this wound of abandonment that they were triggering that made me want to find my sense of self again through getting them to like me. It was like I was trying to get my sense of self through being in the relationship with this avoidant person. Um, but you know, in finding more security, it's more like I don't like feeling triggered. I don't like feeling like someone's gonna abandon me and they're not gonna show up for me. I no longer feel like that's sexy or enthralling because I have a more positive sense of myself and I look for relationships that reflect my own positive sense of myself. And I'm and secure person is like on their own side and they're wanting to take care of themselves and make themselves feel safe, right?

• 59:22Speaker 0

  And so they're attracted to places that make them feel grounded and make them feel safe in that way.

• 59:29Speaker 1

  Let's put the uh shoe on the other foot and talk about that same trigger versus love from an avoidant attachment person. What would they be feeling in terms of how they collapse, you know, a situation that's triggering with love?

• 59:47Speaker 0

  So here's the confusing thing about attachment. When you're falling in love, it can sometimes replace your attachment style a bit. So you may it may take you. A year to kind of figure out what someone's attachment. Like everything can be going great and you're connecting and there's a lot of intimacy building. And then a year in, once you start living together, you're just like, who is this person? Like all of a sudden they're so closed off. All of a sudden they're so demanding of me. Like, what the heck happened? It's because like all of the like chemicals that are released, this cocktail of chemicals when you're falling in love, can be so powerful that they might replace some of your underlying wounds and triggers and make you feel pulled into this relationship, even when you're afraid of intimacy.

• 1:00:33Speaker 0

  So you can carry both of those things at the same time. So sometimes you'll see like people feeling secure with each other for a year when there's all of this cocktail of emotions, avoidantly attached people feeling comfortable with connection and intimacy, right? And then after a year, after some time, all of a sudden those avoidant feelings come up, and all of a sudden they're like, I want to get out of this. All of a sudden, they're like, I need to pull away. All of a sudden they're like, I feel really suffocated. You know, all of a sudden they're like, my partner expects too much out of me. And so that that is the really confusing thing. That's why it's so like hard. I don't know, really pat on the back to all of us who are just able to sustain a healthy relationships because it's so it's so so so hard.

• 1:01:20Speaker 0

  Um, but I think so. I think that's you know what we can kind of tend to see. And and I think the avoidant person, their template for intimacy is that people aren't gonna respect their boundaries, is that you know, they can't necessarily trust people. So when the anxiously attached person is like pushing too much or not respecting their boundaries and demanding a lot from them, again, they that's part of their template for intimacy. It's not that someone's gonna be loving and you know, hear them out and take their perspective into consideration. So, in that way, the insecurely the insecure attachment, it kind of fine tunes our expectations in relationships, so that insecurely attached people, because their expectations of others are that other people will relate to them in an insecurely attached way, they're more willing to accept when someone does so in their life.

• 1:02:11Speaker 0

  Whereas the securely attached person, because their expectations of others is that you're gonna treat me nicely, you're gonna be loving towards me, you're gonna be accepting of me, you're gonna get be kind toward me. When people aren't that way, they're like, this isn't good for me, and this isn't a good fit for me.

• 1:02:29Speaker 1

  It's uh interesting because as you're talking, I'm also thinking, boy, you see this play out in friendships too all the time, which is of course, you know, what your book is about that you know, people collect best friends, best friends, and then all of a sudden within a year, now they're collecting a new best friend, and the other ones sort of faded away. So let's end by talking about secure attachment. Yeah. And what are some simple takeaways? You've already given us one, which is to start to notice how you're feeling. And you've talked about giving yourself the assurance and the kind of love and comfort that you need. But what are some other tools that people can use starting today to to begin the process of building a secure attachment with themselves?

• 1:03:20Speaker 0

  Find securely attached people. Okay, how where the hell are

• 1:03:24Speaker 1

  they hiding, Dr. Franco? And your schedule's very busy, so I know you don't have time to hang out with us. Um how do you know it's a how do you know a securely attached person? Like, let's just scan a room. What am I looking for?

• 1:03:39Speaker 0

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's gonna, I think take a little while for it to reveal itself. But like, is this person being vulnerable with you, but not over sharing, which is a nuance that's kind of hard to interpret or to understand, right? Like, I don't know, are they sharing your life stories with you, their whole life story and their deep seated trauma on the first day, or are they like caring why the day was hard? They had a struggle today, right? That's that's the sort of appropriate vulnerability that we see in the securely attached person. The securely attached person is more loving towards you, they're affectionate towards you, they tell you how great that you are. Um, if you bring up an issue with them and you're like, Yeah, I'd love to hear from you more. You're our friendship's so important to me. They're like, Yeah, I'm gonna try to make you feel more love, right? They're responsive to your needs, they don't try to shut your needs down or tell you that you're you know wrong.

• 1:04:29Speaker 0

  Um, the screenly attached people has a positive view on others, right? They, if you hear things like nobody can be trusted or everybody's gonna abandon you, that's a sign of more insecurely attached people. But the secure person is, I don't know, they see the best in people. Um, if you hear them talk about some of their past relationships that didn't work, again, there's that nuance that yeah, this part was good, but this part I really struggled with. They just have more empathy for people, to be honest. Um, that is something that's linked to secure attachment, empathy, authenticity. You feel as if they're telling you like there's this way that I think inauthenticity can manifest as there's this uncomfortable feeling, and instead of myself feeling it, I'm now gonna engage in this defense mechanism. I'm not gonna talk about how I'm so much better than everyone because that person made me feel inferior.

• 1:05:16Speaker 0

  The secure person will just say that person made me feel inferior instead of being like, and I didn't care about them. These are all the reasons why like I'm so much better than them anyway, right? There's a sense that you're getting you're hanging out with someone that's kind of more authentic. I don't know. They also just make your nervous system feel calmer. So you're just gonna feel a little bit more calm in their company. So those are some signs that you've like found a secure person. And the secure person, whether in friendship or in romantic relationship, what's gonna happen is like they're gonna keep treating you in a way that's counter to this internalized set of assumptions that you have, this internalized template. And over time, your template is gonna be start to mold and change because they're giving you evidence that your template isn't necessarily correct. Um that's awesome.

• 1:06:01Speaker 0

  We I love that. And is there

• 1:06:03Speaker 1

  anything that in the meantime you could add as a habit or something to do every day that would help you to start to reconnect and build that connection with yourself while you're scanning the world for more secure people to bring in your life?

• 1:06:20Speaker 0

  I want you to savor a moment of acceptance that you experience every day, because insecurely attached people, what they're they struggle with is feeling safe in relationships, no matter what that relationship is. They're coming to the game, they're coming into the game with the baggage of this is not safe in different ways, right? So if you're insecurely attached and something happened for you today that made you feel accepted, I want you to write it down. I want you to focus on it. I want you to think about it until you feel some emotion, you feel the acceptance, you feel you know, the love within your body. Um, you have to be able to savor and receive those experiences of safety and acceptance that as an insecurely attached person, you'd usually just ignore and usually not even register.

• 1:07:08Speaker 1

  Can I see if some of these are examples? So, like when a friend comes over for dinner and they bring cinnamon rolls.

• 1:07:16Speaker 0

  Yeah.

• 1:07:17Speaker 1

  Knowing that they brought you something, a small gesture like that, acknowledging that that is a moment that's something like that.

• 1:07:26Speaker 0

  Absolutely. But it can even be so small as like, oh, my friend sent me a voice note today, they care about me, or my friend commented on my picture that they like it. Like, like practice, make it a practice to receive love. Like, that's really what I'm getting at here. Um, receiving love is not easy. Um, it's something that we need to practice.

• 1:07:46Speaker 1

  I hate that it's not easy.

• 1:07:48Speaker 0

  I know, right?

• 1:07:50Speaker 1

  And is that the bottom line when it comes to attachment theory? That the importance of attachment theory is that when you understand your attachment style, you now have a lens through which to really look at yourself and your inability to receive love. And now you can go to work on learning how to become secure so you can let love in. Is that what this is truly about at the bottom line?

• 1:08:19Speaker 0

  So beautiful now. Yes. I love that. I love it. Yes, I think secure people can receive the depths of love.

• 1:08:30Speaker 1

  This is a recent breakthrough for me. Like it's only I it makes me really sad, Dr. Franco, to know that I'm 54 and that I would say it's only in the last two months that I've noticed how much I stonewall love

• 1:08:47Speaker 0

  that

• 1:08:47Speaker 1

  I'll pour it out, but I block actually receiving it. And so I've started visualizing um galley doors in a kitchen, you know, that swing back and forth.

• 1:08:57Speaker 0

  Yeah,

• 1:08:57Speaker 1

  as a tool to help me catch myself when I'm the one putting up the wall and not receiving those gestures that are in your life every day as a stranger smiling, uh, you know, a leaf falling from a tree in the shape of a heart and it's beautiful, or your pet greeting you, just these moments where love can blow into your life, and how much I was not even receiving them until recently.

• 1:09:24Speaker 0

  Yes, yes, yes, yes. I yeah, it's it's wild to me how hard it is to receive love, how threatening it is. I think it's so it's so threatening if you're avoidantly attached because to receive love means to admit that you need it in the first place. So it feels like such a vulnerable act. And for the anxious person, it's like, I don't know, it's like receiving love implies that you're like you're valuable, you're you're valuable as a person. And if you struggle with anxious attachment, you have this unconscious struggle with having low self esteem, which means that like. Like if people try to treat you like you're valuable, it doesn't match up with how you kind of feel about yourself internally. And that's why it feels threatening. It questions, calls into question your sense of predictability about how the world perceives you and how you perceive yourself.

• 1:10:10Speaker 0

  And it can feel like pressure, like, oh, this person values me in this way, and I can't actually live up to that. It's like you have imposter syndrome in all of your relationships if you're anxiously attached. So for both attachments, Although it's really really hard to receive love. It it is a trigger, I think, in its own right when people try to love us. And so being able to work on the practice of receiving love, I think it's really important for finding more security.

• 1:10:35Speaker 1

  Well, Dr. Franco, thank you. Your work is an act of love for all of us. And uh I will tell you that I love you for spending the time with us and pouring into us. And uh thank you so much because I feel like this is a really important and hard thing to wrap your mind and your heart around. But it's truly life-changing if you can lean into this and see this as a way to let more love into your life, both from yourself, from people like you that are sharing your wisdom and from just the unbelievable amount of people that are out there in your life just waiting for you to let them in.

• 1:11:20Speaker 0

  Thank you so much, Mel. That is so beautifully put. It's been a fascinating, amazing revolutionary conversation.

• 1:11:28Speaker 1

  Well, I can't wait to have you back.

• 1:11:30Speaker 0

  Thank you.

• 1:11:32Speaker 1

  Wow. When I started this interview, I did not expect attachment style to lead us to the topic of your ability to let love in. At the end of the day, that's what I want for you, and that's what I want for me. Because that's what life is. Life and the purpose of your life is to express and receive love. And look, sometimes receiving love and expressing love can be really difficult when you're splitting an Airbnb with 17 other friends, or your family is on your

• 1:12:09Speaker 0

  last nerve

• 1:12:10Speaker 1

  because you've all been crammed into a beach house or a motorhome together. Take a deep breath. Put yourself in pause. Remind yourself that it's not personal. And in case no one else tells you, I want to tell you, you got this. You're the calm-centered adult. And I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to take absolutely everything you just learned today. And love those people up and not allow yourself to get triggered. I'll talk to you in a few days.

• 1:12:43Speaker 0

  Wait,

• 1:12:43Speaker 1

  grab the cat. He's eating the cake. You got to get a photo of him trying to do it. Oh my God.

• 1:12:49Speaker 0

  It wasn't too like

• 1:12:51Speaker 1

  no. Okay, something like that. Alrighty.

• 1:12:59Speaker 1

  Oh man. Pass me this thing. Jesse's girl. I'll even click it, woman. Team. Team. Team, team, team. Okay, here we go. Okay. Hi. We did it. High five. Boom. Back to the show. This is the attitude for everything,

• 1:13:18Speaker 0

  honestly.

• 1:13:19Speaker 1

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

• 1:14:06Speaker 1

  Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you. So make sure you subscribe.