How to Sound Assertive Without Sounding Rude

In this episode, I break down how to communicate clearly and confidently without crossing into rude or aggressive territory. You’ll learn why tone matters more than words, how to frame sentences so people actually listen, and why the most assertive communicators say less, not more. If you’ve ever been told you’re “too soft” or worried about coming off harsh, this one will change how you speak immediately. Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. LMNT. Head to https://drinkLMNT.com/jefferson to try risk free. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you, so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 0:29Jefferson Fisher?

  How do you sound assertive without sounding rude? I'm going to get right to the point in this podcast. You know what it is. It's the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. Number one, if you're looking for a gift this holiday season, give the gift of a better conversation. You can find my book, The Next Conversation, in the links. Number two, the workbook is also out. Been working a lot on that. You're really going to enjoy it and find some practical examples that you can use alongside with the book. How to sound assertive without sounding rude? How's that for skipping through an intro? I find that assertiveness is one of the top things that I get asked. It's a spectrum. You have aggression on one side, and I would say you have passive on the other.

• 1:13Jefferson Fisher?

  Aggression says, "I don't respect you." Passive says, "I don't respect myself." Assertiveness is somewhere in between, where I can say, "I can respect you, and at the same time, I can also respect myself." I'm going to assertively get through this podcast episode with you. You ready? Number one, how do you sound more assertive without sounding rude? Number one, it's tone. Tone has a large part to play in it. Probably 98% of being more assertive is your tone. Tone is something that is innate within all of us, and the best way I can compare it is music. Think of music. I want you to think of a piano.

• 1:55Jefferson Fisher?

  Think of, just close your eyes, unless you're driving or walking, don't do that, and think of piano keys. Your middle C, right in the middle. And imagine if I gently press on the keys, right? Maybe I just, I barely lightly play and you can't really hear it. And I'm playing really passively, almost where you have to strain to hear. Maybe I, like my daughter did when she first started learning to play, she would just, like she would just slam her hands on the keys. Or maybe you've had an animal, a cat, walk across it and it's, it's jarring, right? It makes you kind of wince.

• 2:37Jefferson Fisher?

  Or maybe it's something really low and it's almost a continual resounding, aggressive type of sound. Think of bands, rock bands, very aggressive, hard chord. You know, it's bar chords and loud cymbals. And then you also have maybe jazz music and you have easy listening. There's all kinds of different ways to compare this. Tone plays a large part in how it sounds. If it's really aggressive, you know that it sounds aggressive. If it sounds really passive, you also know. Jefferson, how, how do you just know this in tone? Listen for the curves. You hear what I just did in my voice? Listen for the curves. I went down.

• 3:21Jefferson Fisher?

  Anytime you want to sound more assertive, the, the tone starts normal and then it goes down. It ends with almost a curb. It's not like a straight up and down. It is, you're curving it downward. Think of it as if I were going to ask somebody, can you pass the salt? I'm not going to use a question mark, as if I don't know what salt is. Hey, can you pass the salt? As if like, do you know where salt is? Right there in front of you? But we know people and maybe you're one of them. That when you talk, your sentences go upward, as if you're not really sure. And maybe you talk like this, and maybe you talk like that, and you're not really sure.

• 4:05Jefferson Fisher?

  And it leaves people wondering, is this the end of the sentence? Or is this a question? Not really sure. Why? Because the tone positions it that way. It makes it hard. What I find so fascinating personally for me, because I'm a nerd about communication, is how the word doesn't change. But if the tone does, it's a totally different context. You just take the word "okay." If I say, "Okay."

• 4:32Jefferson Fisher?

  Or, "Okay." Or, "Okay."

• 4:38Jefferson Fisher?

  Same word every single time. Very different communication. Very different message that gets sent across. And you add in text, which is a very low emotion medium, then there's nothing but a lot of miscommunication to be had over text. If you want to sound more assertive, rather than going up with your tone, I want you to go down with your tone. Now, that does not mean you need to have a deep voice whatsoever. You can have a higher register, a higher pitch, and you can still go lower when you talk. It has a way of putting finality, like a period added, rather than a question mark. So if you want to sound more assertive, less question marks and more periods. You with me?

• 5:23Jefferson Fisher?

  Tone matters a lot. So how can you practice this day to day? Make sure that when you speak, you are ending on a lower register. So there's a difference between if I say, "Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast." Or, "Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast." Podcast? Like, that's not nearly as assertive sounding. It sounds like, "Am I on this podcast? I really don't know. Do I know what I'm doing?" End it with a period. And before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast, Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth and I'm proud to have them as a longtime sponsor of this podcast because of the quality of their products. I love wearing

• 6:05Jefferson Fisher?

  soft things when I'm traveling or if I'm home, I just want to be what? Cozy. This holiday season in particular, wearing stuff that feels good when you're home and it's freezing outside? What else is better? When you're home, watching a movie, maybe you have a chimney with a fire and you were just nice and cuddled up. Cozy Earth has all that you could want when it comes to soft fabrics, soft bedding, soft towels. Personally, I'm a very big fan whether or not they sponsor this podcast and I'm very fortunate that they do. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson and get up to 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. You will not regret it. And now let's get back to the episode.

• 6:50Jefferson Fisher?

  Number two, phrase the sentences at the start. They're called roadmapping. And what I like with assertive words is that you have to let the person know exactly where you're going. And it sounds like this. I'm going to begin my sentence with, "I need to tell you this." For example, let's say I need to discuss something hard with you about a business decision. I'm going to begin with, "I need to tell you this. We need to make a hard business decision." You hear I'm phrasing it as a need that "I need to tell you." I'm not being rude about it. I'm not being rude in my tone. I'm lowering my voice. I'm slowing my words down. And I am

• 7:35Jefferson Fisher?

  beginning with something that is framing it exactly where I want it to go. Compare these two. Me saying, "Hey, so I was thinking of maybe like I could, I could tell you some stuff that's, you know, on my mind, but I mean, it's essentially not that big of a deal. But really, if you don't want to, you hear it's just scattered. It's everywhere. I'm not really having any direction with it. But if I use something as simple as, "I need to tell you something. I need to tell you this."

• 8:04Jefferson Fisher?

  I need to have a hard conversation with you. You're not gonna like what I'm about to say.

• 8:10Jefferson Fisher?

  This is gonna be hard for both of us.

• 8:13Jefferson Fisher?

  I'm being very direct with you. If you want to sound more assertive, you need to also sound more direct. So do we talk about? It's your tone. Two, it's how you phrase sentences. If you have a question in your mind, maybe you're thinking of a a conversation that you need to have right now. I want you to consider beginning with, I need. I need to be truthful with you. I need to tell you something that's going to be hard. Just, just begin small. Begin with, I need. Whenever you begin with, I need, it is you taking all of your chips and pushing them onto the table and saying, this is what I need. I'm not going to be rude about it. I'm not going to try and be greedy in the conversation or not respect how you feel.

• 8:56Jefferson Fisher?

  I'm, I'm simply telling you what I need. This episode is brought to you by Element, a company I'm proud to partner with because they make staying hydrated, simple, clean, and effective. And I'll be honest, my kids love this stuff. They call it salty water. That's what my kids call it. I travel a lot, listen, and a very active lifestyle like many of you. And I care about what I put in my body. And so Element helps me stay sharp and stay hydrated. What is it? It's a product that comes in like a little packet and it's very salty for a good reason, because your body needs salt and it helps me keep hydrated. So sometimes I don't want to just drink water by itself and I will pour a packet of Element in there. Most of the time I do like half a packet, so it's not too salty for me. My favorite is the lemonade flavor.

• 9:40Jefferson Fisher?

  My kids love the watermelon, the raspberry, and just about any of the seltzer waters. They now have like a pineapple flavor. My kids absolutely go crazy for it. And as parents, Sierra and I feel good about it because we're not giving them soda. There's no sugars in it. There's no artificial dyes. One of my favorite things about Element is that when I get that salt in my body, I'm getting electrolytes at the same time and it's making sure I'm staying hydrated. When sometimes just drinking water is hard to do. So I pour a packet in and it hits the spot every single time. Element was made for people on a mission, people like me and you. And here's something cool. They're offering my listeners a free sample pack with any order. Head to drink element.com slash Jefferson. That's drink LMNT.com slash Jefferson to try

• 10:25Jefferson Fisher?

  it risk free. If you don't love it, they'll refund you no questions asked. Element smart hydration for people going places. And now back to the episode. Number three, this is the one that's probably going to blow a few people's minds because I'm going to say it in a way you may not have heard before. Assertiveness is about subtraction. It's not about force. Meaning assertiveness is not about what I can do for myself and add, add, add. That that is aggressiveness. Assertiveness subtracts, meaning it takes away the explanations. It's

• 11:10Jefferson Fisher?

  talking without the excessive apologies. It's talking without the explanations. It's talking without the defensiveness. It's talking without the over explaining. You're taking away certain things to leave what is pure, leave what is direct, leave what is kind, leave what is the truth, rather than trying to mask the message. Assertiveness is about subtraction. Stop trying to do too much with your conversation and what you need to say. Don't overthink it. When people add in what I consider the salt and pepper, like over seasoning their food. Have you ever listened to somebody sometimes and they they cuss a lot? And I'm not here

• 11:52Jefferson Fisher?

  to say whether you should or shouldn't. Well, actually, yeah, I can say that's my podcast. It'd be my recommendation to let's limit that. Why? Because when you over season your food, you can't really taste what it is. Same way in conversation. If I am cussing all the time, if I am using vulgar words, if I'm being crass, if I am, I am trying to hide and mask my message, nobody is going to get it.

• 12:22Jefferson Fisher?

  If I, if I always over season my sentences with cussing, sarcasm, whatever it is, passive aggressive, nobody's going to get the message. They're only going to get the MSG.

• 12:38Jefferson Fisher?

  Nobody's going to get the message. They are only going to taste the seasoning. That's it. It's, they can't eat it. Why? Because it's too much. It's too much. I can't taste anything. You've ruined the palate. I hope this resonates with somebody out there. I, I really, I hope somebody is nodding their head right now. That when you, when you try to do too much with your sentences, you don't sound more assertive. You sound more aggressive and people stop listening. People will take it as rude. People will take it as unkind. People will take it in the way they want to take it. But if I have a tone that is lowered, see what I just did? If I have a tone that is lowered, if I frame ways that say, I need, I need to tell you something that most people aren't willing to tell you.

• 13:23Jefferson Fisher?

  You hear how you listen more? Hear how all of a sudden you become more curious? If I use my words to subtract things rather than try and add on too much and not cloud my sentences? If I subtract the over explaining, the justifications, the excessive apologies, things that do not serve me? If you want a quick note, the adverbs aren't helping your sentences. I'm not saying you can't use them all the time. They just don't make you sound assertive. If you want to sound more assertive, stop watering down your sentences. Every adverb you use is a piece of ice in the drink. What are adverbs? Those are the words that end in -ly.

• 14:06Jefferson Fisher?

  Literally, basically, obviously, clearly, really, just. When you throw in adverbs into your drink, you water it down and nobody can taste it. If you want to sound more assertive, serve your words neat. They can actually taste what it is and they can understand your message. That's how you sound more assertive. Now to wrap up, one, tone. Tone matters 98%. Number two, frame your sentences with, "I need." "I need to tell you something." "I need to share something." "I need..." Get your foot out there. Take the first step. Everything else gets easier after that. And number three, assertiveness is about subtraction, not addition. Take away the explanations, the justifications, the over apologies.

• 14:52Jefferson Fisher?

  Get rid of that. And what do you have? You have clean, assertive communication without sounding rude. As always, you can try that and follow me.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.