How To Handle a Toxic Boss

If your boss constantly talks down to you, criticizes you, or makes you feel small, you don't have to just take it. In this episode, I share the phrases I would use to set boundaries, communicate with confidence, and handle difficult bosses without losing your professionalism—or your self-respect. Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Monarch Money. 50% off your first year at https://monarchmoney.com/jefferson Poncho. $10 off your first order at https://ponchooutdoors.com/jefferson BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  College football is back. So Hilton called to me, the superstition concierge, to make your fan rituals a reality. Need a room to match your lucky number? We got you. Want to make sure our team doesn't wash your lucky jersey? Oh, that smells lucky. Hilton's unmatched hospitality can keep up with any superstition. Even a marching band wake up call at 5:55 and 55 seconds. Hit it! When you need a team that will do whatever it takes on game day, it matters where you stay. Hilton, for the stay.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Who out there has a boss? I'm not talking any kind of boss. I mean, the dirt, snake in the grass, rude, disrespectful, mean, critical, micromanaging, know-it-all boss. If you have one of those, this episode is for you. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. Today, I'm kicking it in the truck today because I feel passionate about something, y'all, and that is, when you have people in your life that you are working with or for, and they love to remind you that you work for them, you have a choice, and that is whether or not you still work for this person. You have a choice.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  I'm going to give you some phrases, and we're going to deep dive into some strategies into this episode of how to handle the disrespectful boss. What to say to them, what to think about it. Here's what I want you to know first. Number one, you have a choice of where you want to work, of who you want to work with or for. And if you are the type of person that when push comes to shove and you're having a hard confrontation and you're sitting in their office and they're seeing all these things and being really, really critical, you have two choices. One, you can just take it.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  You can take it and just go on about your day. Or you feel, I would say that's kind of middle of the road. You just, you take it, right? Or you do something with it, meaning we're going to go step forward into this moment and say something about it, be direct about it. Or you just totally lay down and you get totally walked over and you get totally smushed every, every single time. Every egg gets cracked because they just walk right over you and you feel like, man, this is exactly, I just, I have to take it and deal with it, and this is horrible.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  You will never gain the confidence you want by simply laying down and letting somebody run all over you like a doormat. The confidence you are wanting is not that option. It's not through that route. You are going to need to step forward and say something. That's right. So if you've ever gone, oh, no, Jefferson, I just, I just kind of take it. It just makes life go easier. No, it doesn't. It doesn't make life go easier. It just makes it more tolerable in that moment, but that is no way to live. Now, I will say that there is a caveat to that, and that is, maybe somebody who is an employer or a boss right now listening going, well, look, I, sometimes I need to

• 3:19Speaker 01

  be, you know, have some constructive criticism, and they're not willing to take it.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  I hear that. I think there is a difference of when somebody says you kind of have to earn your stripes somewhere and you kind of have your rookie season there, wherever you're working, of knowing you, there is this expectation of, it is going to be somewhat of a tough slog to get through wherever you got to get through, but there should be an end to it. If there's never an end to it, then we have a problem because there's a difference between toughness and dignity. Toughness says, I can take this. I can handle this. I have broad enough shoulders for this. Dignity says, I know I don't have to. I don't have to take this. If I want to, I can leave. I can take my ball and go home. I don't have to play here.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  There are other people who could be more than happy to take my skills and what I have to offer because I know within myself, I have the self-awareness to know I have things to offer. So with that mindset, first and foremost, of knowing that you have a choice, what are we going to do? Number one, I want you to be willing to ask a question that is going to show that you are not afraid to lean into those hard moments. And I know that's going to feel really uncomfortable, but is leaning into that discomfort is going to be, could make all the difference of whether or not you're somebody who goes, I'm different

• 4:49Speaker 01

  from all the rest of the people who are here, or I am somebody who is always going to be walked over. Well, you and I have already, we've already agreed to this. We're not going to be people that we walk over. If you are listening to my podcast, hear me, you are not the kind of person that's simply going to be walked over. So we're going to use phrases. There are, there are powerful phrases and questions out there that are going to make the difference. Here is one of them. Set the scene. You are talking right now in your boss's office, and he or she are just, they're, they're going after it on something. They're heated, they are talking about something, and they could use more polite words, but they're not.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  They're, they're being irresponsible with, with their word choices, and they're being careless because there's something going on, but they're complaining and griping and being very critical about it. There is a question that I like that stops them in their tracks, and it is this question. Am I hearing frustration or an expectation?

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Is this frustration or an expectation? That question always stops them because it makes them think. Am I getting personal, which is really the frustration? They say, I'm, I'm frustrated about something. I don't need to blur that line with what I, what, what are the practical things that I'm expecting here? In other words, is there a lesson that I am needing to better communicate of what the expectation is? And so when you're able to show that you're the kind of person, employee, worker, whatever, coworker, of knowing, I can see behind what's happening in this moment. I can tell you're really frustrated, and I'm going to use that word to call you to the mat.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  They say, is, I can, I just want to, it, it would sound something like this. I want to be sure, are you voicing frustration or are you clarifying an expectation? See the difference? It has a way of splashing cold water in their face because reasonable, that's the key word, reasonable, people would know, it's not helpful to just talk about personal frustrations, though it's okay. The key here is acknowledging the difference, not treating you as the person to whom they can just use as a dumpster for all of their frustrations going on in life.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  Because we know what it's like when that boss, you just know, oh, they're on a tear today. Oh, they had a bad morning, or, you know, they, they got something going on and they're going to take it out on everybody else. That is one, somebody you need to be away from. Second of all, you need to be able to distinguish that in that moment of knowing, I, I want to make sure, is this, am I hearing frustration or am I hearing a set expectation? I'm willing to engage, I'm good with, let's talk expectations here, of what the expectation is. That sounds good. I'm willing to rise to meet the expectation that's required of this position.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  What I am not willing to do is be the garbage bag for every frustration that's there. If it's warranted, maybe, certainly there's room for if you've done something and you know you've made an error and they're frustrated, that's going to happen. You're, you're going to need to be able to accept that. That's, that's part of accountability. That's kind of ownership. If you have made a mistake and you know you have, to be able to absorb, right? That's that toughness versus dignity kind of conversation of knowing, yeah, I can, I can take this on. Yes, that's fair criticism. It's where it leans in more to that disrespect, right? If they're going too far with that. Here's where I want you to go with number two. You ready?

• 8:42Speaker 01

  Here is a question that I like to ask, and I have encouraged other people to ask, and I can report back to you, that this question has come in handy for many people. And that is, it is this, it's, and be warned, it's one that's a lot more forward. So you're going to have to be willing, you might listen to it and go, ah, my boss would never like that. And some might go, I don't know. I could, I could have some variation of that that can work, but you need to be ready for this kind of thing in your back pocket. And it's, it's this question. Is this tone required for me to do, to do my job well? Is the tone I'm getting from you required of me to do my job well?

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Right? You see how that's just, you, you are highlighting the fact of, yeah, this tone you're giving me? I don't remember, I don't remember that in the job requirements, that I'm having to accept that. You say, is this, is the tone that I am getting, is the disrespect I'm getting required for me to do my job well? It's, it's another way of asking that is, is the tone you're giving me required for us to talk about this?

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Is how you're talking to me needed for us to be able to speak? For us to be able to talk about this topic? Is how you're talking to me necessary for us to be able to talk about this? Ooh, I like that one. That's the one. That's the one. It's how you're talking to me necessary for us to discuss this. Oh, I like that a lot. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Monarch. As the summer is heating up, I want you focused on summer plans, getting out in the sun, having fun with friends and family, and not concerned and stressed about your finances. What is Monarch? Monarch takes all that stress away. It makes it much easier. It is a personal finance app.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  In all honesty, it's like having your own financial advisor right there in your pocket. It's a dashboard that you can look at either on your laptop or on your phone, and you can see all your money at a glance. So all of your accounts that are coming in and see what's coming in, and also, more importantly, what's going out. Because we know what it's like when you look at your budget and go, "What? I spent how much on coffee?" Because it creeps up on you. Well, not only does it look good on the dashboard, they also have AI agents now that make it that much easier. They have a weekly AI recap that'll be like, "Hey, do you know that you're spending this much on this?" And you can ask questions and interact with the AI that's going to give you personal recommendations for better budgeting. Right now, you can go to monarch.com/jefferson

• 11:16Speaker 01

  for up to 50% off the Monarch Core tier, which is only $50, I believe. Monarch.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for $50 on your Monarch Core at half off. And now, let's keep going. This leads me to number three. You have to remember that where you work is where you are willing to work and where you choose to work. Meaning, when you are in those moments with this rude, disrespectful, not that nice of a person boss, I want you to use those words. For example, if you're getting that critical, nasty, disrespectful type of behavior, I want you to lead with,

• 12:02Speaker 01

  "I choose to work at a place that I expect is going to X, Y, and Z." And you're going to need to list those values, whether it's values my input is willing to teach me, where I'm going to be able to have growth in not only my career, but also in my life that is going to add more to my life than it is taking away. Key word here, "I choose to work in a place." "I am willing to work. I am willing to be in a role." "I choose to fill a position." You see how it is using words of the me? Not where you feel like I'm just a slave to everything else that's happening to me.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  I am, everything else is out of my control. I'm a victim to what everything else is going on. It's no, "I'm willing to work at an organization or in a business where I am or I can, that is going to..." You now are voicing those expectations of what that is. And what that does is tell the other person of, "Hey, in case you don't remember, I'm choosing to still be here. I don't have to. I can leave." It's that dignity conversation all over again. When you're able to use those words of "I'm willing, I choose, I choose to be in this role, I choose to accept this position,

• 13:30Speaker 01

  I chose to accept this position because I know that X, Y, and Z." When you're able to communicate those kinds of things, it is a reminder to not only you, but also signaling to the other person of "I have other options at my disposal." And one of those options is not listening to this garbage that you are spitting out to me. All right, so those are the three that I really want to focus on in terms of the phrasing, the phraseology in questions that you can use. Of course, you can go with the "did you mean?" When somebody's being rude or belittling, "Did you mean for that to sound disrespectful? Did you mean for that to come across as disrespectful as it sounded?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Did you mean for that to sound as short or upset or rude or curt or abrupt or blunt as that sounded?" Right? Being able to voice that kind of thing? Some bosses need that kind of check because they may not even realize that they're doing it. So I want to say, like, I've employed lots of people. It's always good, because they're human too, to have that kind of check. So I don't want to say, "I have worked with, for, and with wonderful people." Right? It's just, you just realize they're all, we're all just humans. We're all just humans. So it's not like it's a superiority problem all across the board.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  There have been plenty of people I know that have been very low on the totem pole, but also have big time superiority complex. So it doesn't mean just because of the position you're in, that's the kind of attitude that they have. It is a condition of the heart kind of thing, not condition of the position type of thing. Oh, that sounded pretty good. I like that. I think I'm going to keep that one in there. All right, so aside from maybe the "did you mean" things, I want you to understand when it comes to communicating, let's say, I've been giving you these phrases for if it's happening in real time. Let's say that you missed the moment. You could have said something right in that moment, but you didn't. And it didn't work out. And you went back to your office or your cubicle,

• 15:39Speaker 01

  or maybe it was you're working remotely, and you're like, "Man, I really, I should have said something." You need to say it. If you have that thought, "I should have said this," go back and say it. But take the time. That means you're going to set a meeting, all right? And you're going to know, one, what is my goal for this conversation? The thing that you are needing to ask, what are you walking away from? What do you need to walk away with in that conversation? There's nothing more frustrating than if somebody is coming to you and all you hear is a complaint when really it's a need. That can get very blended together.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  When you're coming to somebody who's in management or your boss, and you're coming with a need, but it sounds like a complaint. All right? Here are some phrases in some ways I want you to approach this conversation. And here's how it goes.

• 16:42Speaker 01

  "I'm telling you this because I know you value honesty or transparency." "I'm telling you this because I know you value when we speak up for ourselves." "I know you value confidence. I know you value assertiveness." Right? It's saying, "I'm tying this conversation to a value rather than a complaint." That's a very big difference. Another is asking the question, I'm just throwing things at you to see what kind of lands because it's all across the board. It's not one boss fits all kind of thing. We know this. Is using the phrase, "are you against?" "Are you against me saying something really honest with you right now? Are you, are you against me saying,

• 17:27Speaker 01

  are you against me speaking my mind for a moment? Are you against me getting something off my chest?" You'd be able to present this if you're having to say, "When you said this the other day, what my brain told me..." That's where you get to narrate your thoughts. "It came across to me, what I heard in my brain is you hate everything I've done, that you dislike me as an employee." Like, sometimes it comes down just to that, of just feeling like, "I don't feel like they like me, and so I don't like them." And you're worried the whole time at the office of, "Oh, does my boss like me? They don't really like me. And who does like me? And does this coworker like me? And I'm afraid nobody likes me. And does anybody like me?" And that has somehow become the test for how you're going to feel.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Because if they don't like you, then you don't like you, right? I need you to get rid of that mentality. It is not serving you. All right? It is not serving you. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Poncho. This is a shirt brand that I find that I reach for more and more as the summer is going on. Why? Because it's a shirt brand that can pretty much do anything, especially outdoors. So if I am hunting, if I am fishing, if I am doing something in the yard, if I am going outside, it's a shirt that can easily dress up, it can dress down, it can handle whatever life is throwing at me. And it's USPF plus 50, which is great. So it keeps me out of the sun and makes sure I'm protected.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  And, I mean, why not, why not look good while you're also doing it? So if you know somebody in your life, or you know that I need some shirts that can always get the job done and also look great, and they always have like these hidden little features that are pretty cool, that surprise you, makes you feel special. If you're looking for lightweight, comfortable shirts this spring and summer, look no further than Poncho. Go to ponchooutdoors/jefferson and get $10 off your first order and free shipping. That's ponchooutdoors.com/jefferson. And now, let's keep going. So when you're able to say, "Yesterday, when you said that my work looks sloppy, what my brain told me, or the story I'm telling myself is..."

• 19:39Speaker 01

  That you think I'm not a very good employee, or that I'm not worth keeping around, or that you think I'm not trying hard enough. That's really, I think that's a big one. The story I'm telling myself is you think I'm not trying hard enough. And that bothers me, and I want to be able to voice that and address any concerns that you have. Or maybe it's simply you need to say, "I hear this frustration, or I hear this, and I hear this. What am I missing? Help me with what I'm missing. Tell it to me differently. I need you to explain it to me differently. I need you to say it to me differently." Because it's really hard sometimes to just take things in one gulp,

• 20:24Speaker 01

  in one take, when you need to hear it again. Like, imagine if an employee came up to you and said, "I remember last week you saying this to me, and I took a lot of value in it. And I need you to hammer it in. I need you to say it again for me. I need you to say it differently so that it really locks in, because I really want it to." Like, when you're able to voice that, "I want to do well here. It's important to me to do well here." Communicating the confidence, assertiveness of saying, "I'm willing to have this conversation," rather than go back to my office and just hope,

• 21:06Speaker 01

  fingers crossed, that you don't hate me, and instead, in my head, I'm going to take everything that you're saying as some type of criticism of me as a human, and take it personal, and get very disappointed, and if work-life isn't good, then nothing in my life is good, and everything is terrible, and I hate this job, when really, all it requires is a very upfront, open, honest conversation. And that's, conversation's a two-way street. And I hear you, if you say, "Jefferson, you don't know my boss. My boss is the most rude, the narcissistic, the most terrible. Then what are you doing working for him?

• 21:50Speaker 01

  Go somewhere else. Go somewhere else." I hear it's like, maybe now's not the right time, or it's a hard job market. Absolutely, I get all of that. All of that's true. But stop working for them, right? You can set a plan in motion, even if you're still working there right now, and you have a plan of, hey, I'm going to be willing to deal with this for a few more weeks until I find this other position and job. I hear that, understand that, I validate all of that. What I'm telling you in this episode is you have a choice. You have a choice. So I want you to use phrases and questions,

• 22:32Speaker 01

  like, "Am I hearing a frustration or an expectation right now? Are you saying this to be helpful, or saying this to be hurtful?" Things like that. Next, I want you to go into, this is going to be a little bit more direct, but is the way you're treating me right now necessary for us to talk about this? Is your tone to me a requirement for me to do my job well? I want to make sure that this tone is something I need to be... If it's going to be a recurring thing that I'm going to have to, need to accept as part of my responsibilities in this position. See how, you see how you're saying this is a positional thing, which is in three, going into, "I'm willing, I choose. I choose to be in this position, I choose to work here,"

• 23:17Speaker 01

  because it's, sometimes a boss needs to remember that you have a choice. I know I bring up that word, "choice" and "choose" a lot, because I need you, I need you to really drop it in. I need you to feel like you do. I need to feel like you do. Because it is, it is necessary to know that if you're the type of person that is going to constantly just let them run all over you, you will never earn the respect that you seek. It's not going to happen that way. The only way that respect is going to be there is if you lean into the conversation than leaning away from the conversation.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  And if you might be in this position that just goes, "Oh, no, there's just, you know, there's this element of, you have to be willing to kind of take your licks before you get respect and earn that." Check whether or not that's really where you want to be. Life's too short to be playing those kind of games. It's too short to be playing those kind of games. If people really don't care about you... No, this is not, this is not some hazing. This is your livelihood we're talking about. We're talking about putting food on the table, right? And we're talking about your life, your life. What's more important than that? Don't be dealing with some bad boss.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  You can go with, "Did you mean? Are you against?" Use these phrases that I talked to you about. And I want you to know that if you have a bad boss right now, hey, listen, if you have a boss that's kind of the worst... That's right, I'm talking to you. If you have a boss that is just the worst, I want you to know that you are seen, okay? So go into wherever you're listening, into the comments, and you don't have to, don't put your boss's name. I don't want you going there immediately going, "Brad is the worst." I don't want you to do that. I just want you to shout out to everybody

• 25:31Speaker 01

  that I have a bad boss, I'm getting through it. I want you to see that you are not alone. Maybe it's, hey, I feel everybody out there, whoever's going through this, you're not alone. You're not alone, you're not alone. Hey, look at me, you're not alone. You have a choice. You're going to get through this. Use those phrases, they're going to help. That's how you respond to a very difficult boss. All right, be good, later.

• 25:59Speaker 02

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's Fall Drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy-to-layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon Fall Lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in store and on lululemon.com now.