No BS Guide To Self Confidence

The question I'm asked most frequently is how to build more SELF CONFIDENCE. People recognize that this tool, above all others, is ESSENTIAL FOR SUCCESS in all parts of your life. This week's guest, LISA BILYEU, is a self-confidence expert, and she's got a lot of valuable tips and strategies on how to build this CRITICAL MINDSET into your own life. Many of those thoughts are captured in her upcoming book RADICAL CONFIDENCE: 10 NO-BS LESSONS ON BECOMING THE HERO IN YOUR OWN LIFE. As you'll quickly discover, Lisa's brand of self-confidence is RAW and DOWN TO EARTH. Like many people, she's overcome a lot of challenges. Instead of hiding, Lisa details how she CONSCIOUSLY chose to develop a STRONG SENSE OF SELF that changed her life forever. That radical transformation led to a complete overhaul of how she approached those challenges. In fact, changing her mindset was one of the driving forces that she and her husband used to grow Quest Nutrition by 57,000% in 3 years, ranking it as INC. Magazine’s #2 Fasting Growing Company in North America in 2014. Lisa reveals several practical strategies you’ll want to hear. One of those is "KILLING THE SQUIRREL," a metaphor for doing away with distractions in your life. She also explains why using GRATITUDE the wrong way can be a dangerous pitfall in your life. I've often said the toughest battles are the ones you fight between your ears which is why Lisa's story about battling the MEAN GIRL VOICES in her head resonated with me, just like they will for you. Lisa also talks about the importance of pushing forward and doing your best by focusing more on HOW YOU DO THINGS instead of worrying about the outcome. Stripping away that need for VALIDATION is one of Lisa's primary keys to RADICAL CONFIDENCE and a lesson you'll want to hear. The bottom line is that Lisa preaches a pragmatic brand of COMMON-SENSE THINKING. If you're looking for EFFECTIVE SELF-CONFIDENCE STRATEGIES that will not only make you THINK but that you can put into ACTION, my interview with Lisa Bilyeu an hour well spent. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

  I hear so many small business owners say the exact same thing. They just never have enough time in the day. Well, I measure time differently. I've compressed, condensed, heck, I've bent time. My first day is 6:00 a.m. to noon. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6:00 P.M. And my third day, 6:00 P.M. to midnight. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, over a year, over five years, and my life's completely different than it would have been otherwise. And if you want to win as an entrepreneur, you have to compress your time, too. And you definitely can't afford to waste it. Waiting weeks on a big bank for capital? Your best bet's to work with my friends at Cardiff. They know how to compress time for entrepreneurs. They get your business approved in minutes and funded the very same day. They're America's favorite small business lender, and for good reason.

• 0:45Ed Mylett?

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• 1:01Speaker 01

  Mr. President, my company, for me, of the explosion on our rig.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  On October 2nd.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess. And Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and the Revenant.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 1:22Speaker 02

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  This is the Ed Mileage Show.

• 1:39Ed Mylett?

  Okay. Welcome back to the show, everybody. We could not be covering a more important topic today. Period. End of story. And I have a friend coming on today that is going to share insight and wisdom into something that I get asked about, Lisa, this topic more than any other topic, which is the topic of confidence. You guys are always asking me how you get more confidence. I've given you my best answers. And now I'm bringing somebody in who's going to give you better answers. So the author of Radical Confidence is with me today. Lisa Bilyeu, welcome to the show.

• 2:10Speaker 03

  What up, Ed? That is a hard thing to follow. Oh, my God. How am I gonna give a better answer than you on confidence?

• 2:17Ed Mylett?

  I think we're gonna do that like in the first question I asked you. So I think you'll be fine. You're you're welcome and you're home here. So it's great to have you. I love you and your husband.

• 2:27Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 2:28Ed Mylett?

  You guys, this book's powerful because, you know, I don't know that there's anything on the planet right now that people are struggling more with than this topic more than ever in our culture. Would surprise me because I've met you many times and you appear to be so confident naturally. But evidently, if I went back a little bit, that wouldn't necessarily be the case. So take us all the way back where you were. You're a homemaker at the time and not really feeling very confident about yourself while you're in the midst of that role, right?

• 2:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm for eight years. My basically, I was staying at home and supporting my husband and putting his clothes out every day and cooking for him, a very traditional Greek wife. And it's what I call purgatory of the mundane.

• 3:07Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, you say that.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  My life was just mundane enough that I didn't make a change. And like, how many people have you interviewed where you're like, they're so freaking amazing, they're so successful. And it always stems from they hit rock bottom. And that's what jolted them awake, though that moment where they're like, well, I've got nothing else to lose. And so they take the chance. But what about the hundreds of millions of people that are like me, where it's like, my life didn't hit rock bottom? And so every day I ended up being in purgatory of the mundane, where nothing was bad enough to make me change. Nothing ever happened that was extreme that jolted me awake. And so every day I just dismissed my my happiness, my unhappiness, I just dismissed it like it wasn't important.

• 3:52Ed Mylett?

  What did you do? How did change?

• 3:53Speaker 03

  And so how did it change?

• 3:55Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 3:56Speaker 03

  So every day I tried to fill my day with distractions. We all know that. And the thing with distractions is you make them real in your life.

• 4:04Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 4:06Speaker 03

  So in those moments of, well, of course, I have to, you know, go to the grocery store and I have to do the laundry and today I have to, you know, wash my my dogs. And tomorrow I have to wash the car. And it's like, well, hang on a minute, babe, I've got to organize the sock drawer. All of those, to me, I convinced myself they were important enough so that I wouldn't be distracted. Oh, I wouldn't see the truth that I was unhappy.

• 4:29Ed Mylett?

  What do you mean when you say in the book, because I, there's so many things the book have made me think, even at this stage in my life, right? I consider myself a pretty self-confident person. But you say in the book that, you know, your dreams are a gamble. So a lot of people won't go for their dreams. They're in this, whatever it might be like. For many people listening to this, their dream would be to do what you were doing. Right? For other people, it's not their dream. And I say oftentimes, Jenna Kutcher and I were talking about this where, you know, this, the blueprint for a successful life, Tony Robbins like to say is where, you know, the life that you're living matches the blueprint you have for it. Right? And so in your case, you weren't, you weren't living that blueprint. But you say your dreams are a gamble, bet on yourself. So what do you mean by that?

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Um, for so long, I wasn't betting on myself, for so long, for eight years, literally, I, I stayed there waiting for something to change, but I was waiting for my husband to change my life. I was waiting for the external to change my life. I was waiting for when? How many times, Ed, how many people listening have said to themselves, I'm gonna do that when?

• 5:28Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 5:29Speaker 03

  Right? And sometimes the when never comes. And I was telling myself, I will do that when, I will go after my dream when we get enough money. I'll do that when my husband is happy. I'll do it when we have a business that is thriving. And so every single day I was using the when as a crutch.

• 5:46Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Um, and so it wasn't until it got to the point, my husband was so unhappy and he was coming home every day because we were just chasing money. We thought that that was gonna make our dreams come true. Let's make enough money to make movies. And so it got to the point, he was so unhappy where he was coming home and I call it my own personal fight club. First rule of the Billy household is don't ask him about his day. The second rule of the Billy household, don't ask him about his day. And it got to the point where he wasn't filling me up. I was waiting for him to come home to, you know, make me happy. He was coming home, he was miserable. And it got to the point where it's like, what are we doing this all for? Like really, what is the point of this if we're not happy? Chasing money is such an empty feeling.

• 6:29Speaker 03

  You think it's gonna fill you up because you see other successful people, other wealthy people, and maybe you admire them. So you look at them, you're like, when I get there, that's how I will feel. I will feel good about myself. But the truth is, we just kept, it was on a hamster wheel. We were just chasing. And we were going round and round in circles till it got to the point where it's like, I don't care about money. I was like, babe, at this point, we've gotten to the point where right now we're about to fracture our relationship.

• 6:57Ed Mylett?

  Wow.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  And I would do anything except risk my relationship.

• 7:02Ed Mylett?

  This is interesting for me because I know you now and I know Tom now. And so it's hard for me to picture that, that you were at a time like that because the two of you are so driven and so cause oriented and so much in the giving space of your life. And such a wonderful couple too, that it's really interesting for me to even be able to picture that because I only know the post version, right?

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:25Ed Mylett?

  But it actually, for me, if everyone knew you now, like I do, it would give them so much hope that they can go from where they are to a really magnificent place in their life. You're speaking about the hamster wheel and you say this thing in the book about kill the squirrel.

• 7:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:38Ed Mylett?

  Which made me think about that. So what does kill the squirrel mean?

• 7:41Speaker 03

  It's the distractions. It's that movie. Did you ever see, I can't remember what it was called, Dogs or Pets or something? Where it's literally like squirrel and the dog is in the middle of doing something and then squirrel moves, it diverts its attention. And so how many of those squirrels do we all have in our lives that we don't realize because it becomes habitual, right?

• 7:59Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  It's that you don't, and that's exactly what happened to me. The eight years I got stuck there because my life became habitual and I didn't actually ask myself any questions. I didn't challenge myself. And so every day becomes just another day. And what's scary is I was using gratitude as a way to keep me going.

• 8:17Ed Mylett?

  This is huge. This is huge right here.

• 8:18Speaker 03

  Gratitude kept me stuck.

• 8:20Ed Mylett?

  Mm hmm.

• 8:21Speaker 03

  So every moment where I started to feel badly about my life, I use gratitude. But Lisa, you know, don't worry, like you've still got a roof over your head and you've got a husband that loves you. And every time I started to question my unhappiness, that same voice came in saying, but Lisa, you have a roof over your head. But Lisa, you have a husband that loves you. And that same message was exactly what kept me there because I was using gratitude.

• 8:46Ed Mylett?

  Oh, wow. Lisa, I've been doing this a long time. No one's ever said that before. Wow. Because that's this, it's a very vogue, you know, be grateful, fill yourself with gratitude. But that can be sort of some sort of medication you're giving yourself too, to sort of dull the, it could be the Percocet of life almost.

• 9:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:04Ed Mylett?

  Become glazed over. My gosh, that's so profound what you just said.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:08Ed Mylett?

  That is so profound.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  Thank you. It's exactly what happened for the eight years. Is that, cause in hindsight, and that's why I wrote this book. Because I was like, so let me just back up. Someone, Tom comes to me and he's like, babe, a literary agent just pinged me. And was like, asked me if Lisa, you wanted to write a book. And I'm like, oh, that's sweet. And I just went back to work. He's like, what the hell is wrong with you? Like, that's a big deal. And I was like, oh yeah, that's sweet.

• 9:32Ed Mylett?

  It is a big deal.

• 9:33Speaker 03

  And he's like, why are you shrugging it off? And I said, because who would buy a book from me? Now, this was a year ago, Ed. We'd already sold Quest for a billion dollars. Impact Theory, they had over, you know, half a billion views on all our content. And yet I still didn't believe in myself. And that's why I wrote the book, because people think that I'm confident. People think you're confident. People don't understand the eight years that I struggled. Where I was telling myself, you don't deserve a better life, Lisa, because you've got a husband that loves you. You've got a roof over your head. How ungrateful are you to ask for more?

• 10:09Ed Mylett?

  You're really making me think right here because this is something that is very much part of our culture right now is to fill ourselves with gratitude. Which by the way, there's a really healthy side to every emotion in life, right? Like, too much of one anything often in life, but you, um, you're really making me think because that is a really good place to hide in. Gratitude, we can hide in gratitude too. And I've never even thought about that before. So the cool thing with the book is there's like things that you're gonna remember that she says in the book that just like stand out. So one of the things is the kill the squirrel thing, but you also talk about like these principles of creating change. So there's a lot of very detailed, very granular things, but you wrote it in such a way that like, I can remember the cool catchy line that links to the thing you teach, right?

• 10:54Ed Mylett?

  So you say eyeball that jackpot like it's a shirtless. Ryan Gosling, which frankly, Lisa, for this chapter, that doesn't completely fit for me. But I know that it fits for you. So you said, I won't say who, because my wife will be mad at me.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, choose your equivalent.

• 11:10Ed Mylett?

  I could think of some other shirtless people, but none of them are named Ryan Gosling right now at the top of my. But I understand the point. What the heck do you mean, though? Make the point for everybody else here. What do you mean when you say that?

• 11:21Speaker 03

  Yeah. Um, I mean, here's the, so we get very distracted. And especially when you're doing well, like when you're doing well, so many people come at you and ask you, oh, my God, do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? And it all sounds so exciting. But when I look back at how on earth for eight years, I wasn't living the life I truly wanted. It was because the small times every day, we make small little choices that end, that lead us to somewhere. And so when I think about now that I'm out of it, what are the small choices that I make every day? That is going to derail me from my goal. And I tell myself every day to make sure that I still, I stay so focused on that goal.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  That nothing else can distract me. So if another offer comes, if I know what my North Star is, if I know what that mission is, even an amazing opportunity, I can absolutely say no, because I've got my eyes set on my goal. I know what that is, and I'm fricking laser focused.

• 12:21Ed Mylett?

  Did you learn something about you writing this? You know, like, like, uh, did you realize that you didn't have the confidence you thought you had? Or did you realize that you had developed all of these keys and tools? Was there still a part of you that, you know, I always ask people, like, you think you've got a lot of self-confidence until you face criticism? Criticism is that real big test of, do I really believe in me, you know? Because it's easy if you're getting support or there's no blowback, so to speak.

• 12:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:48Ed Mylett?

  What did you learn about yourself writing it, do you think?

• 12:50Speaker 03

  Is that? Is the notion of radical confidence, because people kept saying to me, oh, but you're so confident. You're so confident. And I was like, who are they talking to Ed? Like, I'm looking behind me and I'm like, surely they're not talking about me because it doesn't feel like it. If you heard the mean girl in my head, she's, can I swear on this podcast?

• 13:09Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 13:09Speaker 03

  She's a fricking bitch.

• 13:11Ed Mylett?

  You say that in the book.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Like, she's a bitch. And so.

• 13:15Ed Mylett?

  What does she say to you, Lisa?

• 13:16Speaker 03

  You're no good. Who the hell do you think you are? Like, you're such a, you know, you, you think that you might know it, but trust me, you're not going to. At least you're going to embarrass yourself. So let's take public speaking, can we?

• 13:27Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, did she show up today on your drive over here at all?

• 13:29Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, of course she did.

• 13:30Ed Mylett?

  She did.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. And in fact, the very first time I met you, um, we came to your house, Tom was on your podcast. I had such imposter syndrome. I was like, oh, my God, we're going to Ed Mylax, oh, my God. Like, and at this point, you know, again, I've produced.

• 13:45Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, so successful, right?

• 13:47Speaker 03

  Hundreds of shows.

• 13:49Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 13:49Speaker 03

  But that, that voice in my head still thinks I'm that fourteen year old girl that got teased and picked on and bullied. Now, here's the thing, that voice used to cripple me. That mean girl, the bitch, she used to hold me back. And what I realized is, is that as I started to develop a mission, as I started to really understand what a goal was and feel and passion and all of that, I started to look at my life and I started to look at the things that were holding me back. And so one day, actually, Tom came to me and we dedicated our money to, and our finances to creating impact. And one day Tom came to me and he's like, babe, you know, you keep saying no to speaking gigs. I was like, yeah, I'm freaking petrified. Why on earth would I ever do that to myself? And he's like, it's your life, but you know, that does hold you back from your goal, right?

• 14:35Speaker 03

  And I, so I sat there for a minute and I was like, all right, let me actually look at it with no judgment. And I'll say that a lot, no judgment. So I was like, no judgment, Lisa. Do you think public speaking will actually help you on your mission and goal? I said, yes. Okay, great. With no judgment, what is more important? Feeling good about yourself, your ego or your goal?

• 14:58Ed Mylett?

  So good.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  Because in that moment, that's all it comes down to. I'm so scared to get on stage. My ego's telling me not to. My ego's telling me, Lisa, you're gonna mess up. You have no idea what you're doing. You've never public, done public speaking before. That's the ego, that's the voice and the goal.

• 15:20Ed Mylett?

  You're gonna help a lot of people, Lisa. I can just see this watching you. You know, I'm really proud of you, listening to you, because I didn't know this side of you. I thought you had all this confidence when I met you. Lisa is one of these people that when you meet her, her energy is huge. It's infectious. It fills, she fills, she's a, she's a petite woman physically in stature, but her energy is huge. And so to know that underneath that was this person battling this, I think, you know, her and her husband are two of the most, no pun intended, impactful couples, you know, on the planet. And to know that you've had this struggle moves me because I didn't know it. And I know it's going to move an awful lot of other people. The other thing that you say,

• 16:01Ed Mylett?

  there's so much in this book, by the way, but you said, I love how blunt you are. You said, "At first, it will totally suck." It's just like completely right to the point. So elaborate on that a little bit.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  I think it was like a growth mindset. It's like taking the red pill from the matrix. It will set you free for first. It would totally suck.

• 16:20Ed Mylett?

  It will totally suck. By the way, you, your husband and I have this obsession with the matrix.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, I saw your eyes just light up when I said it.

• 16:26Ed Mylett?

  In my book too, my eyes lit up. But so it just will totally suck in the beginning. And you have to be able to embrace that, right?

• 16:30Speaker 03

  Yeah. And that's the thing. I think that that ended up being the most beautiful lesson in everything I do. It's like, oh, you're gonna go on stage, you'll hate it. Oh, you're gonna go on stage, you'll probably mess up. And to many other people, that may be a crippling thought. To me, it was the most beautiful freeing thing ever. Because now I can go into, you know what, instead of worrying about if it's going to suck, just embrace it's gonna suck. It's like one of my chapters called "When the [BLEEP] Hits the Fan, Wear Goggles."

• 16:58Ed Mylett?

  Yes, it's so good.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  The whole point is, stop worrying about [BLEEP] hitting the fan. Guys, if you try anything in life, you will become, you will fail at something. There's not, not one fricking successful, successful person on the planet that hasn't failed in order to get somewhere. So now can we just re, like, reposition what failure means? We all think it means something negative about us. Here's the truth. It does mean something about you, but it doesn't mean something negative. It means that you're Freaking trying. It means that you're actually going after that thing that matters to you. That's what failure means. And so now, instead of worrying about when the hits the fan, just worry about when it does. Do you have goggles? Are you protecting yourself and how the hell are you gonna clean the mess up?

• 17:42Ed Mylett?

  It's so good, Lisa. Look at you. My goodness, because what she's doing, I'm letting you behind the curtain a little bit, guys. Like, I know everybody in this, I think I know almost everybody in this space, and I think I know them pretty well. And what Lisa's expressing is true for most of us. We're all in a battle to improve our self-confidence. The reason we have such great tools, I think we share with you is because we're all in necessity of them ourselves. And so you're just one of the first to have the confidence, frankly, ironically, to say, hey, I struggle with this a little bit. So there's so many things in the book you're gonna remember, and one of them was, we're just talking about books, like, is it gonna make the New York Times? And we're all like, yeah, it'd just be a good validation if that happened.

• 18:22Ed Mylett?

  And you actually say in the book, validation is for parking. Like, there's all these things you remember, so isn't that good? So talk about a little bit about this need for validation and maybe kind of putting that to the side if you can.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  Yes, I actually love this topic, especially when it comes to the book. Because here's the thing, I don't pretend I know everything. I don't pretend that I've got things down pat. Every time I try something new, I find that crippling fear. Every time I do something that I've no idea what I'm doing, I've got that negative thought that's coming in saying, what the hell are you thinking, Lisa? You're gonna embarrass yourself, you're gonna fall on the floor. So now I go, the voice is just there whether I like it or not. So now, how do I use this voice as power? Like, I think of it, it used to be my kryptonite. It was the thing that held me back. But now, what if it was my superpower? How can I use this crippling voice as the most powerful thing ever? So I go, okay, cool. What is it saying? Lisa, you don't have no idea how to write a book. Oh, my God, she's right. The bitch in my head is right. I have zero idea how to write a book.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  So come on, friend. So I call it the bitch that's now my friend. Come on, friend, what else have I got? Lisa, you better learn. Great, she's right. I better learn how to write a book. How do I learn? Let me write a list of all my friends that are New York Times bestsellers and call them up. That's exactly what I did. I wrote a list. That's what radical confidence is. It doesn't mean you have confidence, but it means you move forward anyway and figure it out. So I wrote a list of all the questions I had. I called Brendan Bouchard, Mel Robbins, Jamie Khan Lima, all our amazing friends. And I literally was like, all right, I need to ask you a series of questions. Number one, what's the trap I'm gonna fall into? Number two, what's the thing you hate about writing a book the most? Number three, and I just literally wrote all these questions so I could do my research. That helped with my confidence because I was so scared about writing a book.

• 20:02Speaker 03

  Now, the final thing, back to your question about value. I know myself and I know I love the pats on the backs. They feel good. I know I have a negative voice that can tear me down. I know that someone else saying something amazing can make me feel good. But the same is so if someone says something negative. So right now, as I'm processing and I'm writing this book, how do I make sure I don't actually look for external validation? Because right now is the moment I need to, I believe, create the foundation that doesn't make me search outside myself.

• 20:39Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 20:40Speaker 03

  And I have to do it before the book gets released. And so I've already processed it. And so what I said to myself is, A, did you do everything you possibly could to do your research? Back to my first question, the answer is yes. B, did I give it every ounce? Now, look, we all know, we all know, you can't hide from yourself. So if you actually ask yourself the question, did you give it your all? You can't lie to yourself. So I can honestly say, did I give it my all? Did I leave everything out on the table? Because if all those answers are yes, I've got nothing else left.

• 21:14Ed Mylett?

  I love it.

• 21:14Speaker 03

  So even if everyone else hates it, can I be proud that I showed up every day and gave this book everything?

• 21:23Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 21:23Speaker 03

  And if I can say yes, then I'm sorry, but then screw everyone else and what they think about the book. Because I've done the internal work and foundation to be proud of myself. Because if all we do is look externally, we're effed, like we are screwed. If we look for external validation to allow us to feel proud over things that we do.

• 21:45Ed Mylett?

  Lisa, you're on to something here huge. I live a lot of that. So I used to look for external validation. It's just empty. Even when you get it, it's not as good as you think it's gonna be. But this notion also of doing things even when you don't feel confident about them is brilliant. And I want to just add to this just for a second for everybody. In my book, I talk about this and I just want to meet Lisa in the middle on it. She's talking about just putting in the work. I say all the time, if your confidence is linked to your ability to do something, you're gonna be a really unconfident person most of your life. You'll always be chasing this. Once I'm getting really good at this, then I'll be confident. And it's this finish line that keeps moving. Instead of making your confidence predicated upon your intention and your effort. So for you, you phrase it as effort. For me, it's an intention. You intended to serve with this book.

• 22:29Ed Mylett?

  You intended to make a difference. You intended to give it your best effort. If people could begin to start to link their confidence. So the ironic thing is when you step into a space you don't think you're very good at, and you do something anyway, is actually where the confidence you lack will come from because of the intention. And so give yourself a little bit more credit for your intent. Step boldly into spaces, like this interview today. You step boldly into it because, listen, I intend to help people. I intend to make a difference. I may not have every answer. But there's a power to beautiful intention. And all these humans are operating on this earth. This is why your book's so dang important. They're operating on this earth like, I'll only have confidence once I'm good at something. I'll only have confidence once I achieve. And I'm here to tell you, and Lisa's here to tell you, that you can achieve and still not have the confidence. But if it's linked to your intent, now you're rolling.

• 23:14Ed Mylett?

  Go commando. What the heck does that mean? She's got all this stuff in the book. What is go commando? Because it sounds interesting to me.

• 23:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, so this story came from, or that really came from a story of me and my husband. So I was staying at home for eight years.

• 23:27Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 23:28Speaker 03

  We start Quest, so he's absolutely miserable. Babe, quit, you know, this job that you're doing. He goes in, he tells his business partners at the time, I hate this, I'm absolutely miserable. They then own up that they're miserable too. So they're like, cool, let's do something predicated on passion. And so that ended up being what people know now as Quest Nutrition, Quest Bars. So at the time, it was tiny. And so they were trying to transition from their day job to then this side hustle. And while they were doing that, they're like, hey babe, do you mind just helping out? So I was a stay-at-home wife. I was a good Greek wife. So I was like, of course, oh my God, it's my identity. Of course I'm a good Greek wife. Of course I help out. So day in, day out, what can I do? How can I help? Just ship a couple of bars here, they say. Just ship a couple of bars there, they say.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Quest grew at fifty seven thousand percent. So one bar one day turns into a ton the next day and then a whole load more the very next day. So I rapidly went from I'm just gonna help out my husband because I'm a good Greek wife to oh my god, I have to ship from my our business partner's garage. Oh my god, I have to, you know, we have now our first our first facility in Compton and now I'm getting a truckload. Oh crap, I have to like the UPS guy goes, you know what, I can actually pick up a lot more boxes if you put it on a pallet. I was like, okay, great. I don't bloody know what a pallet is, Ed. So I'm like, what the hell is a pallet? So I'm like, I run back to my computer, I'm Googling what is a pallet.

• 24:52Ed Mylett?

  Oh my god.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  Every single day I faced myself, every single day I faced my anatomy quizzes, every single day I faced things I didn't know how to do. And every single day in those moments, I asked myself, what do I wanna learn or do I wanna lose my house? Because our house was up for collateral. And now it's do I wanna lose my house and let my husband down? Those were the two things and the answer every day kept being no. So when I kept saying no, it meant I had to figure it out.

• 25:20Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 25:20Speaker 03

  Now, in figuring it out, over time, as Quest grew so quickly, I started to see what I was capable of.

• 25:28Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 25:29Speaker 03

  And in those moments of seeing what I was capable of and growing so quickly, we got to a point where now all of a sudden I had to hire someone to help me.

• 25:37Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  And in that moment, I was like, I don't know how to be a boss, but I don't wanna quit.

• 25:42Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  And so in that moment, of course, I'm sure you sure you know, especially a lot of women, they try and do both.

• 25:49Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 25:49Speaker 03

  So I tried to be an incredible housewife and provide for my husband and cook and clean his clothes. And at the same time, I was trying to crush it as something I absolutely loved, which I had just learnt was entrepreneurship. And as time went on, I was exhausted and we all know when you try and do too many things amazingly well, you end up doing nothing well.

• 26:07Ed Mylett?

  That's right, yeah.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  And so in those moments, I had to ask myself the hard question, what do I want my life to look like?

• 26:14Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 26:14Speaker 03

  And finally, because I had built myself day in and day out, I realised I didn't wanna be a stay at home wife anymore.

• 26:21Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 26:21Speaker 03

  So now comes the hard question. Do you wanna do this? And the answer was no. And when you ask yourself hard questions like that, I think the reason why a lot of us don't is we don't wanna know the answer.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 26:33Speaker 03

  Because when you find out what the answer is now, there might be a whole load of uncomfortable things

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 03

  that you're gonna have to do.

• 26:41Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  And that's what happened. So I realised I didn't wanna be a stay-at-home wife anymore, and I had to talk to Tom about it.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 26:48Speaker 03

  Now, here's my husband that I love more than life itself.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 26:52Speaker 03

  But yet I have to tell him, I don't wanna take care of you anymore. I don't wanna cook for you anymore, and I don't wanna clean your clothes anymore.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  And so how do you do that? And this became the navigation of why Tom and I have such a strong relationship.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  So I went in one with respect and grace to give him the space that I'm the one changing. When I first married him, I said I wanted four children and wanted to take care of him, even though I had like these dreams. We thought that that's who I would be.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 27:21Speaker 03

  So I wanted to give him the respect and the space to say, I'm the one changing.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  But now the second piece is, are we on the same team?

• 27:30Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 27:30Speaker 03

  And so I, the analogy, my favourite analogy is the tennis match. Are you a couple? You're on one side of the net and your partner's on the other side.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  And what you're really doing is you're hitting the ball back and forth and one of you has to win. Or are you playing a game of doubles? Where you're on the same side of the net, you both have the same goal in mind, which is to win together.

• 27:52Speaker 01

  Oh wow.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  And now, when you are strong and your partner is weak, you've got the back. And when you are weak and your partner is strong, they've got your back. And if you miss the ball, they got you.

• 28:03Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 28:04Speaker 03

  And so I went in there saying, this is a game of doubles. This means that we're playing together. And this means right now, I'm the weak one and I actually need his back, because I'm the one changing. And so I need to give him the space to be honest with him, to say, hey, this is where I'm weak right now, I'm really struggling. So I said, I'm really struggling, I wanna be in business. And I'm feeling weak because I don't know how to do both. And I need your partnership because you're my teammate. How do we do this together? And so in saying it like that, in showing him that I wasn't going in saying, hey, I'm changing. You better like it or lump it. He, I gave him the space to be very open about how that would impact him. And so back to your question, he turned around and he said, babe,

• 28:48Speaker 03

  what kind of husband would I be to see how you light up when you talk about work? To hear what struggles you went through as being a stay at home wife? What kind of husband would I be to ask you to do that? To be unhappy just for my comfort? And so he was like, so if I don't have clean underwear and I have to go commando, then commando I will go.

• 29:11Ed Mylett?

  Everyone, you just need to go rewind that and listen to that again. That's, that's, oh, that's one of those, you gotta rewind that. That was, there is a depth of lessons in what you just said there. That is way beyond the question that I asked. Your answer was way better than the question that I asked right there.

• 29:28Speaker 03

  Can I add one more thing to that?

• 29:29Ed Mylett?

  Please do, because that was amazing. Yes.

• 29:31Speaker 03

  Thank you. The thing that really solidified that whole story is I gave him the, I gave him the grace to mourn the wife he thought I was going to be.

• 29:42Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 29:43Speaker 03

  And I gave myself the grace to mourn the wife and mother I thought I was going to be.

• 29:49Ed Mylett?

  I didn't know where you were going here today. There's so much to that. Number one, just to think that all this, this change with you helping ship a couple of protein bars.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:57Ed Mylett?

  Also, the fact that you're a part of a company that grew from shipping a couple of protein bars with a billion dollar exit.

• 30:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:03Ed Mylett?

  And then the fact that your marriage got stronger during a really dramatic transition. That's a dramatic transition. I want four kids. I'm going to stay home. I'm going to do this. By the way, the other profound part of that is that it's okay from time to time in our lives. I've talked about this previously, to check in with your vision and your dream and to see it's, if it's still the one you want. It's okay to ask new questions of yourself is maybe that dream run its course? And I've got a new dream and a vision and maybe my dream isn't to do what I thought it was anymore. I think a lot of times people think, well, if I don't finish that one dream and vision I had, I'm a quitter. And I'm disqualified from the next one. And maybe perhaps that's not the case. Sometimes in life, we have to learn and try things that we don't want to do to learn the things that we do want to do. It's interesting to use the doubles analogy because.

• 30:49Ed Mylett?

  You are playing doubles, yet you said something in the book that struck me. Then you said, I have to accept, and I know this is a mindset, but you're playing doubles, you're a team. But then at the same time, help me understand this nuance where you go, yet I have to accept that it's all my fault.

• 31:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:05Ed Mylett?

  So what, how do you do that?

• 31:06Speaker 03

  So here's the thing, even if you're playing doubles, if you're not the one training, if you're like, I'm a partner, I'm on my back, I got this. And you don't train, you don't show up every single day, practicing that backhand, practicing those skills, getting better incrementally every single day. Then you can't bring your whole self to the table. You can't bring your whole self to that couple. So whenever I look at my relationship with my husband, my business, my health, my mindset. It's very powerful for me to say it's all my fault. Now, people find the word fault very triggering. And here's the key, what word empowers you? That's it. That's all I'm looking for. Ownership, responsibility. What is that word that empowers you? The word fault really triggers me, but triggers me to act.

• 31:50Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  So when I say like, for instance, if there's a problem with my business, it's so easy to say, but it's the YouTube algorithm. It's the company. It's the way the audiences happen. It's the world. But that doesn't serve me. That doesn't move me towards my goal. But if I said, if how, if this was all your fault, what would you change? It's so empowering to me and to rethink the way. So let's say we're playing a game of doubles and we keep freaking losing. Instead of me turning to my partner and say, hey, you know, you better show up. So no, no, Lisa, how is this your fault? Have you practiced? Have you put in the time? Have you put in the effort? Did you get sleep? Did you eat well? Like if I can look at myself, it allows me to focus and it allows me to move forward. The second you're starting to wait for other people, and I did that for eight years.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  I was waiting for my husband to bring home something, happiness, excitement. I wasn't looking at myself. I wasn't looking inside me. And that to me. Is beautiful. Now, look, I say that as someone who is very much in love with her husband. Yeah, I know. And that is very much in love of one half. And people get weird about that as well. Oh, no, you shouldn't be one of a half. It's like, trust me, when I'm by myself, I'm a full person. Yeah. And I can bring my own. But when I say half, I mean, absolutely. I love the fact that my husband knows me better, you know, than anyone in this world. Right? You and your wife, how long have you guys been together? There's some comfort to that. Yeah. But let me tell you, and this is actually a mistake that I made, that I thankfully actually learned the hard way.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  I've had massive gut issues, Ed, massive gut issues. And there was a point where I was on a photo shoot and I had the worst pain ever. Hmm. And I was at my house and I just pretended that I was okay. And I just excused myself. Quickly ran upstairs and I fell to the floor. Oh. In crippling pain. Hmm. And me and my husband have a rule. If you need me, you can call me once, I'm allowed to ignore you. You can call me twice, I'm actually allowed to ignore you. But if you call me three times in a row, I don't care who I'm with. If you're with the President of the United States, if I'm interviewing Oprah Winfrey. Mm hmm. And he rings me three times, I gotta say, sorry, oh, I gotta answer this because my husband needs me. That's our rule of thumb.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  So I call him once, I'm on the floor, he doesn't answer me. Taking a deep breath, I'm calling him again, I need my husband, I need my husband. I call him a second time, he doesn't answer. I'm like, okay, I need my husband, I know he's gonna answer this third time. I call him the third time, he doesn't answer. Hmm. And in that moment, I'm like, crap, what am I gonna do? I need my husband, I need him to help me get off the floor. Hmm. I need my husband. And in that moment, I was like, no, you don't. You don't need your husband. Hmm. You want him. Yeah. But you don't need him. Hmm. Lisa, get the f*** up. You're the hero of your own damn life. Hmm. And what I did is, I got up. I splash water on my face and I finished the day.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  And it wasn't until that evening that Tom came to me and he said, oh babe, oh my God, I can't believe it. I saw three missed calls. What happened? And I was like, babe, I got it covered. Now, even today, that lesson has stuck with me. That I want my husband, but I don't need him. I am the hero of my own damn life. And every time I look outside myself for help, I remind myself of that one moment. I remind myself of that one time. And here's the thing, that story cuts Tom like a knife every time I tell it. He hates it. And we've had this, he goes, babe, that really hurts me every time you say it. Because as your husband, my identity is I'm there for my wife.

• 35:33Speaker 03

  And we talked through it and I said, I totally understand, babe. But you cannot rob me of the one, of the story that literally pivoted me from being the person that turned to you for everything to now realizing why I love you more than life itself. I am my own hero.

• 35:54Ed Mylett?

  Lisa, come on, I mean, I'm, I'm, you can see me getting all like watery eyed. I'm, I'm watching someone in front of me right now, who I've known for a while, completely step into her purpose.

• 36:09Ed Mylett?

  I can't wait to tell Tom how proud I am of you too, by the way.

• 36:14Ed Mylett?

  There's layers and depth of the things you're covering. Before we started the day, you made a little Instagram video. I said, we're gonna make magic. I was just saying that, just thinking this would be good. And I had no idea that this would be one of the shows that would impact me so deeply. You do something

• 36:29Ed Mylett?

  really unique. And I need to think it through more today. And it's that you kind of dance with this B I T C H voice of yours a little bit. You dance with the negatives of your life. In other words, instead of doing the brute force work of trying to cast them out all the time, these negative thoughts, these assumptions, these. This voice in my head, you kind of go, okay, you're here. I'm gonna dance with you a little bit. And we're also gonna become almost friends. And that's a really unique perspective that works for you. Yeah, please tell me why, yes.

• 37:02Speaker 03

  Ed, it's because I kept failing. Everyone kept telling me, don't, don't speak mean to yourself, Lisa. Push it out, push it out, don't listen to her, be nice to yourself. And dude, I tried, like, I tried and then what was happening? I was beating myself up over the fact that I couldn't stop beating myself up. So it literally, the, the method that you hear about me welcoming her and listening to her was out of the fact that I couldn't do it any other way. And that's where I think my secret sauce, if you will, comes from is that Prince meditation. Everyone keeps saying, but you've got to meditate. And it was just, I started feeling badly about myself because I couldn't meditate. But what I realized was people were saying the, the clarity of mind. And I realized I get that in the gym.

• 37:47Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  Me against the weights and you're saying you too. And in those moments, I was like, stop trying to be like everyone else, Lisa. What's that for you? And same with the, the negative voice, I was like, I can't push her out. I can't turn her down. And so what is that for you, Lisa? All right, well, what if she was your best friend? Just like a friend, in fact, your wife, right? Let's take someone really close to us, your wife, my husband. If they came up to us and they said, hey, look, you know, this thing that you said you really wanted? You're kind of bad at it. But do you know what? Here's actually ways you can get better. Right? They, they, they're to tell you the hard truth.

• 38:25Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  But to help you get better.

• 38:27Ed Mylett?

  I would take that immediately. I want, I want to have it. And you're exactly right. You're the, I don't think, you know, I've been doing this like 30 years. I don't think I've heard it said this way ever.

• 38:36Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 38:37Ed Mylett?

  And I think it's the, uh, I won't say it's the path of least resistance, but it sort of is in the sense that you could spend the rest of your life trying to cast this voice out of your head, or you can begin to make them your friend. And maybe over time, maybe over time too, maybe over time, that friend will start to speak to you a little bit differently too, over time. I bet, I bet over time, even she starts to talk to you differently over time. She does for sure, but she- She can flip. She can come back. I know, because that guy talks to me still. That guy talks to me still. I had a call the other day with a guy that used to run a country, big country. Jesus. You know, but- A country. But one of those moments where I was an imposter syndrome. Yeah. And this really confident guy that you see every single day, all of a sudden that dude was back going,

• 39:18Ed Mylett?

  this dude has nothing to learn from you. Why in the world, you have this guy completely fooled. And he started to talk to me again. So I'm under no illusion that she goes away forever. Right. But it's also the margins of life, right? Like maybe potentially that the amount of times where she's cruel and mean to you shrinks, but she's always there. And you've learned to dance with her and make her your friend. And I have to some extent too, I just think I've not really realized that's what I was doing until you expressed it the way that you do. I think the final frontier though on confidence is, is a difficult one, which is the notion of being able to take criticism. Because it's one thing to, you know, the internal voice that you're dancing with. It's another thing though, when you get actual external criticism. And you say in the book,

• 40:03Ed Mylett?

  I can face criticism. That's a belief system or a mindset. And that's the final frontier. That is, in my, in my opinion, in life, that's rarefied air. It's what stops most people. Most dream stealers in our lives are critics. External, there's the internal critic who you've got to learn to dance with and navigate, or you're not going anywhere, as you said. But then there's the external critic too, where you do put out a talk or a speech, or you do something, or someone's just dismissive of you in a moment at a dinner where, you know, you go to the dinner, maybe they're talking to Tom the whole time, you know, and not talking to you and you're sitting there, or, you know, whatever it could be. There's just, it's a form of dismissiveness or criticism we all experience, including myself in life. So what about that

• 40:48Ed Mylett?

  topic of?

• 40:49Speaker 03

  Dealing with criticism. Oh god, that's so hard. And here's again, the thing is, I give myself grace to always be a work in progress. So it's like some days, you're gonna get stung more than others. I've done, I'm a host of Women of Impact, my show. And I've just interviewed way too many doctors, female hormone experts, you know, professional health experts that say that your, your hormones, especially a female cycle, make all the difference. Depending on where you are in your cycle, is the time where like, oh, you should actually ask for a pay rise right before your period, because let me tell you, you're gonna have the most confidence. And actually, you shouldn't lift heavy weights during a period because you're gonna be more tired, right? Like, this, you can literally take your cycle and see.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  Not always guaranteed, right? But the best time to ask for a pay, pay rise, the best time to give yourself ease, to not work out too hard. We all know the word hangry, right? It's like you actually get angry because you're hungry. Now, if we know that we can flip that easily, just because we haven't eaten, the same goes for a comment. Someone makes a comment to you on a day where you're not feeling great about yourself, it's going to impact you differently on a day where you feel like a freaking badass. Yeah. So, first of all, that's important. It's just give yourself grace. If something stings, that you're getting external criticism, to give yourself grace in the moment, to just let it sit with it. That's what I do.

• 42:13Speaker 03

  It's like, don't take this into heart, don't push it out, don't do anything, just sit with it. Allow your hormones and your, you know, your, your life of where you are in your cycle right now, to just take it in. And now give yourself the grace to the feeling that you have when you hear it. Cause that's the thing, it's like, oh, this really freaking sucks. Like, just own it. That's my next thing. And then the last thing is, where is that person coming from? Yeah. Now, look, it's easy to say, it's very hard to do. So what I did, in fact, let me give you a real world example. Give it to me. I did everything I could to get in front of the camera to do my own show. I was petrified. I did so many mess ups. The voice internally was saying, oh my god, you're so bad, right? The critic inside.

• 42:57Speaker 03

  That's how I then was like, okay, critic, how on earth can I make you my BFF? So I turned my critic into my coach. She told me, Lisa, you're bad in front of the camera. I said, great, how am I bad? It's like, because you keep messing your outros up. Amazing. Thank you, negative voice. Now I'm going to practice. Now I'm gonna find ways to get better at that ending of my show. So what did I do? I wrote my last, you know, tagline. I put it on a whiteboard under my A camera. So now I've got a backup plan that if I ever got tense, if I ever got petrified and I didn't know how to end a show, I had the backup plan. That backup plan was there because of my negative voice. Gosh. Now, in saying all of that, I look at the same critic from the outside. I just first take it in. Because I can very much be emotionally triggered.

• 43:42Speaker 03

  I can. So if someone says, especially because I got bullied as a kid, if someone said something about my look, I immediately take that to heart. So it took me so much to get in front of the camera in the first place. So here I am, got my YouTube channel. I do everything I can to get the confidence to stand in front of the camera. And then one day, someone completely disses my pink leg warmers. Okay, okay, okay. Now, I'm a nineties chick. I freaking love pink. I love, you know, like the headbands and the leg warmers and all of that. Love nineties hip hop. And you own it. I love it. I own it, I do. And so I literally did an episode and I had these pink leg warmers. And I like listen, reading comments to see how I've impacted people. I like to learn what really resonated. And here's a post where literally someone says,

• 44:27Speaker 03

  Lisa, I love your content, but honestly, those pink leg warmers and that pink set, it was just too much for me. I had to switch it off. Oh, gosh. Now, here's the thing, I'm very goal oriented. Hmm. So this, my pink leg warmers, did it move me towards my goal or away from my goal? Very good, Lisa. It moved me away from my goal. Because I want to impact. And this person switched the video off. Hmm. So I said, okay, with no emotion, without getting triggered, to be defensive, right? Because I know that that's me. So instead of being defensive, just write it down. Okay, over here, you're not moving towards your goal with this comment. Okay, I understand that. So what would it look like if I didn't wear my leg, my pink leg warmers? I would maybe help a lot more people.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  I would maybe keep a lot more people to watch my content. But what would that mean about me? Actually mean I'm being inauthentic. Because I'm doing something, and this may seem small to other people, but it's these small decisions. It's these small choices that literally make a difference to how we start to think and feel about ourselves. So I knew that and I sat there and I was like, it may just be pink leg warmers. But this actually is a message that I'm sending to myself. On that, on the fact that I'm listening to external criticism. That I'm taking in something from the external, because if this person hadn't said it, would I still wear them? And the answer was yes. Okay. Now, what's my message? The whole point of this show, why do I actually do it?

• 45:54Speaker 03

  To encourage people, to encourage women to be entirely authentic. Even if other people don't like it. That's why I did the show. I really don't care what life you choose. I don't care if you wanna be a stay-at-home wife and have ten children. Or you want to have zero children and go out and build a business. Does this show help you? Yes or no? That's all I care about. And so how on earth can I show up every day pretending? If I'm here not wearing my pink leg warmers because someone else is going to make a comment? This is a pivotal moment. It may not seem like it to the outside world. I have got to know myself. I've done enough work on myself to know where these small pivotal moments happen.

• 46:37Speaker 03

  And in that moment, all I'm talking about is one comment. Yeah. You can see how much mindset work I did from this one freaking comment about this woman about my pink leg warmers. And in that moment, I processed it. And in that moment, I had to really sit with myself. And so I replied to this woman and said, thank you so much for your honesty. But just so you know, these pink leg warmers are really a show of my fashion. And really a show of who I am. If you don't like them, I completely respect that. And I totally understand if you have to unsubscribe. But how on earth can I do a show about authenticity if I'm not willing to show up as my true self?

• 47:20Speaker 03

  And I wrote that, I wrote that message. I took time and see these small things. If I didn't do that, think about where I'd be a year from now. Think about what I would do five years from now. Where it starts small. It starts as just that one comment about your shirt. And then it becomes one more thing. And now before you know it, your entire show, your guests on your show, how you present your show is all in service to try and please people and not actually that something authentic to you. It starts somewhere.

• 47:58Ed Mylett?

  That is genius. Like you're a genius in this space. Like that is genius. Those are the perfect example. And I was thinking when you said it. So what is it next time? Your makeup, your hair, the way the chairs are in the background, the volume on the show? Like when does those, when do those in our lives, everybody listening to it, Lisa just said, I'm actually, you can see if you're watching, it makes me emotional because we start to compromise ourselves in our lives for to please our spouse, to please our parents, to please our friends, to please strangers. And once you start to do that, it's the slope of something very small. And there's another one. And then there's another one. And you wake up in three or four years and you're not recognizable to yourself anymore. And see, I'm willing to fail in my

• 48:42Ed Mylett?

  life. I fail being me. I fail being authentic. What a tragedy would be to not be your authentic self and fail anyway, and not be successful anyway. If I'm going down, I'm going down as me. And then the fact that you are you makes it impossible, really for you to go down. Because you've done it your way. Leading into that, I'm enjoying this so much. So I want to go a little longer. But eating leading to that, you say, if you don't want to be a, if you don't want to basically be a doormat, get off the floor. That's a hard thing to say to people.

• 49:17Speaker 03

  It's really hard.

• 49:19Ed Mylett?

  So how does someone, I'm listening to this right now. I'm going, you know what? I have that voice. Let's say someone's listening to this. And I am down and people treat me like a doormat. I'm not being treated. It might not be that people are overtly rude to you every day. But sometimes worse than that is to feel invisible. Nobody sees me. No one knows me. I walk in a room and no one thanks me. No one's grateful for me. And I don't feel like I'm special anymore, which I think I just defined, by the way, ninety nine point seven percent of humans walking the earth right now. And so what would you say to someone who has those feelings? Where would they begin the journey towards creating some kind of change for themselves?

• 49:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, step one is don't be yourself up for being there. Like, how many of us, I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I let this person push me. And then it all comes in hindsight. And then so what we end up doing is beating ourselves up even more for being that dormer. And now, you know, it's like, how much negativity can one person take?

• 50:16Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  And so, like I said, I'll say this a lot, give yourself grace where you are.

• 50:21Ed Mylett?

  I love that word grace, yeah.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  And so now it's like, okay, start taking assessment. Because before you make these massive changes and these big grandiose things, just sit down with a book on Evernote app or whatever is your thing, and say, where are the moments that you feel like you're being stepped on? And by who? So identifying the people and identifying the situations are gonna be key. And this is just, you're just taking inventory right now. You're not, don't need to do anything, you don't need to change your life, you just take an inventory. And then you're saying how it makes you feel. So now take one thing at a time. I personally don't go in and go, and now set boundaries everywhere. It's like, what's that one thing that you want to do today? Or that you can do today to make that step towards it?

• 51:07Speaker 03

  So let's say, for instance, um, it may not even be about, let me take my mother, for example, because a lot of people, I think, have those, like, friends and family. Those are the hard ones, I find. I think the strangers, it's easier.

• 51:20Ed Mylett?

  I do too.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  Right, because a stranger comes up to you, crosses a boundary a bit, you're like, are you joking? Like, it's easier to kind of tell him where to go. But when it comes to family, especially, I don't want to be gender specific, but as a female, like, I grew up in a world where it's like, pleasing. As a, as a, you know, young Greek girl, it was all about, like, pleasing the family and pleasing the men in the family, pleasing the parents and pleasing the grandparents. And so I think it's very important to, one, identify why you're pleasing people, where you get that from. So me and my mum, for instance. I didn't understand why, but I was starting to get really tense about calling my mom. Like I was getting really uncomfortable. I was kind of putting it off.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  I started to think about why and I was like, it's because every time I speak to her, I feel badly about myself.

• 52:08Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 52:08Speaker 03

  Now I feel badly about myself because my mom keeps asking me when I'm about, when I'm gonna have children.

• 52:13Ed Mylett?

  When you're gonna have baby, yeah. Very common thing. Moms ask their daughters, isn't it?

• 52:17Speaker 03

  Very common thing.

• 52:19Speaker 03

  And so between my mom asking me, when am I gonna have kids? When I had, was still processing, maybe I don't want children.

• 52:26Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 52:26Speaker 03

  And then my mom kept asking me how I was feeling when I had massive gut issues.

• 52:31Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 52:31Speaker 03

  And in those moments where I didn't wanna be asked how I was feeling, because I was just trying to stay strong myself. And I kept saying to her, mom, please don't ask, you know, me how I'm feeling. If I need anything, I'll let you know.

• 52:41Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 52:41Speaker 03

  And she kept asking me.

• 52:43Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 52:43Speaker 03

  So every time I would speak to her, it was a consistent, it was consistently, oh, how are you doing? Are you okay? The pity voice.

• 52:51Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 52:51Speaker 03

  And then once we moved on to that, so have you thought about kids?

• 52:57Speaker 03

  And it.

• 52:57Ed Mylett?

  The double whammy.

• 52:58Speaker 03

  The double whammy.

• 52:59Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  And then so I started to realize I was getting more and more anxious about calling my mom. Now it's my mom. I don't wanna be anxious about calling her.

• 53:05Ed Mylett?

  Sure.

• 53:06Speaker 03

  So going back to your question about being on, you know, not necessarily, she wasn't treating me like a doormat.

• 53:10Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 53:11Speaker 03

  But I realized I had to set boundaries.

• 53:13Ed Mylett?

  I love that.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  And boundaries are difficult to set.

• 53:16Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 53:16Speaker 03

  And so first of all, I go in, a joke in the book, I'm like Tony Soprano.

• 53:20Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Like, you know, you, you know, you, you step on my boundaries, I'm gonna break your head.

• 53:25Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 53:25Speaker 03

  You know, because it took every ounce of courage and strength to set the boundary in the first place, because I had zero confidence.

• 53:32Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  So I was like, all right, you do this. And, you know, you're trying to put that stake in the ground.

• 53:36Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  And of course, that doesn't go over well when you're walking into someone just demanding something.

• 53:41Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 53:41Speaker 03

  So I realized my mom wasn't paying any attention to me. She was like, no, she still was gonna ask about kids and everything about my health. And so I started to process, okay, how do I talk to her about it? Let me sit down. Maybe I just haven't articulated my point. And if I tell her how I feel, then she'll totally understand. So I went in and I was like, look, mum, I love you so much, you love me. Or I tried the whole growth mindset thing that we know. Go in there, tell them how you feel, how what I'm struggling with. And I'm like, mum, I'm really struggling with this. This is why I don't know if I want children and the pressure is actually becoming too much for me. And then also my gut is really like, I'm trying everything I can to stay positive. And when you're trying to stay positive and someone has that like really like pitiful tone.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  I was like, I just, it's just too much for me, mum. Please don't do it. I thought I'd communicated everything. She goes, okay, darling. I was like, oh, my god, this finally worked. Like, I've sorted it. I was articulate. I had my game plan. I sat there, wrote everything out. I was empathetic towards how she was feeling. And the very next time, I got on the phone with her. The very first words out of her mouth were, how are you? Are you okay, darling? And I was like, oh, my god, is this woman joking? Like, my mum has the biggest heart, so I knew she didn't mean it.

• 54:58Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 54:59Speaker 03

  But I started to get frustrated when we all do what we think we've been clear with the boundary. And someone clearly just oversteps the boundary again. And so I said, mum, did you understand what I said last time? And she said, yes. So I said, but mum.

• 55:12Ed Mylett?

  You just did it again.

• 55:13Speaker 03

  You just did it again. Where's the disconnect? She was like, well, I wanna know how you're feeling. She started getting all upset. So we kept going back and forward. And again, this is the point where you're having boundaries. When you're trying to set boundaries with someone that's close to you. Give them grace to be heard, even when you're the one setting them. Because when I gave her the grace to be heard, what I realized was, me asking her not to ask me was me crossing her boundary.

• 55:41Speaker 03

  And so what I mean by that is over time, I was like, mum, I don't understand. She's like. Oh, I just need to ask, I just need to ask.

• 55:48Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 55:48Speaker 03

  And it finally hit me. I was like, wait a second, mum. By me not asking, by me telling you not to ask me. Were you feeling that now like you're a bad mum? And she said, yes.

• 56:00Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 56:00Speaker 03

  The fact that you've asked me to not ask you. It's it's in her language, basically saying, you're asking me not to care.

• 56:09Ed Mylett?

  Interesting. Isn't that interesting?

• 56:11Speaker 03

  And now my boundary is crossing her boundary.

• 56:14Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:16Speaker 03

  And so what we ended up doing is we just had it out and I said, oh my god. Because it was someone that I cared about, because it was someone that I I was feeling this friction. I felt like I had to talk to her and talking to her made me realize her side of the coin. And then me realizing her side of the coin allowed us to both come to the plate and create boundaries together. So what we ended up doing was, my boundary was, alright mum, just don't ask me. Or her boundary was that she still had to ask. And my boundary was, please don't ask me right at the beginning. And so now every time we talk, she doesn't say it first thing. She doesn't say it with a pitying voice, but she does ask me how I am and I don't mind answering.

• 56:57Ed Mylett?

  I love this. See, I think light, shining light on something or awareness, whether it's in a relationship with someone else. Or even just on a thought or emotion you have, it loses its power over you in the negative sense. So even when I, you know, I say this all the time with me when I'm having certain emotions that don't serve me. Or a thought that doesn't serve me. My awareness of the thought, it loses its big impact on me. And that was true with that conversation with your mom. It's like eventually, just the awareness of each other's boundaries. The negative impact that one would make on the other sort of begins to lose its power. I had this thing with my dad, I'll share with you. Where I realized when I was growing up, the times that I felt loved from my dad is when I achieved and got recognition and significance. So I, most of my life, have conflated significance with love.

• 57:43Ed Mylett?

  And and so I had this thing with my dad and my dad figured out later in life that hey, you know what, I'm not gonna make a big deal about all of my son's achievements. I'm gonna show my son love when he's not achieving, when he didn't just make a million dollars, when he didn't just sell a company, when he didn't just give a big speech. And my dad learned that these relationships with our parents and these dynamics we have with them make a huge impact on all of our life. This interview, and I don't mean the pun with the word impact, by the way, but um, because of impact theory and impact relationships, all these things. This is an unbelievable conversation, Lisa. This is a great conversation. And you've helped millions of people today, including myself. Is there anything, the last question I would ask you, that to make this just

• 58:26Ed Mylett?

  complete today, that I didn't ask you about your own journey with confidence or other people's journey with confidence that's in the book? Because you can see everyone's watching the video. I have notes every year because it's one of these books where it's deep. There's thing, there's issue after issue and strategy after strategy that's helped. But you know, I don't know whether it's a topic about respect or whatever. Is there something I didn't ask you that you would just want to share as we finish today about anyone's journey with confidence?

• 58:53Speaker 03

  Um, I think really, maybe about, I mean, I think we touched on it, but really failure is the biggest thing because I think that that's a big reason why people don't try. It's just so worried about failing that it's gonna dent that the way they feel about themselves, their confidence, so they don't try. And the best, the most empowering thing is to flip that idea and say that failure is an opportunity. Failure gives me the way, uh, sorry, failure allows me to learn.

• 59:20Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 59:21Speaker 03

  And so instead of feeling the sting, and this actually came from my husband, is like, change your identity of to being the person that is the learner.

• 59:29Ed Mylett?

  Learner. I've heard him say that. I love that.

• 59:31Speaker 03

  Because when you flip your identity to being the person that learns, every time you fail, you go, oh, my God, this is amazing. What was the lesson?

• 59:37Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, yes.

• 59:39Speaker 03

  Or every time you feel imposter syndrome and you walk into a room, let's say for me, because this was very real, especially at the beginning, I was walking into a room where there was five men all with, um, you know, five, 10 years business experience and his little Lisa, you know, who had been, um, you know, the buster had two dogs. And so when I walked in there with total imposter syndrome, the idea of, but Lisa, the fact that you are learning is what you can be proud of. If you tell yourself you're the learner. Now, when I walk into this room, you can imagine, I'm actually not scared because I go, oh, what can I learn in this room?

• 1:00:12Ed Mylett?

  Very good, very good.

• 1:00:14Speaker 03

  And so any failure becomes an opportunity to learn from.

• 1:00:19Ed Mylett?

  Wow. Lisa, what a great conversation. I'm telling you, I enjoyed this so much today. You stepped into a part of your genius in a really significant way. And this is a take on self-confidence, radical confidence that I've never heard before, that I love, that I love and that I know this isn't just another book, you know, like another book on the same stuff. There's profound lessons in here and great analogies that you will just remember forever. She wrote a really great book, you guys. So Lisa, I've enjoyed this time so much today. I love being with you in this context because I've not shared time with you in this way before. And it was just a treasure for me. So thank you for today.

• 1:01:00Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. Thank you. Literally. So this is part of my evolution and I like talking. I think it's really important to talk about things in real, real time because it carries so much power. And you had asked me earlier about me coming here and it was even that I was like, yeah, I think I can ask if I should be on Ed Mylett's show, you know, and like that's how the mindset goes, right? And it's like, well, can I ask? Should I ask? And that's the thing. But now the great news is of having done this so many times, that thing comes as of course you can ask because if you don't ask, the answer will always be no.

• 1:01:32Ed Mylett?

  That's right.

• 1:01:33Speaker 03

  And so reminding myself that if I don't ask, the answer will always be no. And then reaching out and then getting a yes. I was like, oh my God, I'm gonna be on Ed Mylett's show. You know, it becomes like, then it becomes exciting and then that emotion comes in. It's like, oh my God, are you gonna be good enough? But I've done it so much that I come in, it's like, even if I bombed today, Ed, and you're like, oh God, get this woman out of here. I would go, what did I learn from that experience?

• 1:01:58Ed Mylett?

  Oh my gosh. Thank God you asked and I'm so grateful that you asked and.

• 1:02:05Ed Mylett?

  I mean this in the right way when I say it. I'm just really proud of you. I'm proud of anybody that I love or that I care about, that I see step into their genius and just own it and serve and make a difference. And you did that in abundance today. And this book will as well. So I love you and I'm grateful. Today was awesome. Go get Radical Confidence, you guys. You can tell you will not regret the fact that you go get Lisa's book. And thank you again for today.

• 1:02:31Speaker 03

  Oh my God, thank you.

• 1:02:33Ed Mylett?

  All right. Share this, guys. Anybody you know that has anything you want to improve with their confidence or battle through their confidence or has those voices in their head. Share it with them. Go get The Power of One More, my book as well. Read them back to back. And continue to max out your life. God bless you all. This is The Ed Mileage Show.