Blueprint For Better Relationships w/ John Kim

I hope you’re ready to have your eyes opened to some INTENSE AND UNCONVENTIONAL relationship advice because THE ANGRY THERAPIST is in the house this week. JOHN KIM is my guest, and for the next hour, we’re not just talking about relationships with other people. We’re going to peel back what makes you tick and talk about THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF. You can tell John’s approach to therapy and relationships is different just on the titles of the best sellers he’s published…I USED TO BE A MISERABLE F*CK and SINGLE. ON PURPOSE. And he’s got a new title coming out called IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU, which may be his best work yet. Tell me those don’t make you CURIOUS about what John’s got to say. I love John’s work because he makes people turn relationship analysis INWARD, where most people refuse to spend enough time. It’s so easy to point blame at others when relationships go bad, but often the worst enemy is THE PERSON WE SEE IN THE MIRROR every morning. Pay attention to what John has to say about his concept of SELF vs Self. It’s the key to how you can change your life to live INSIDE OUT instead of OUTSIDE IN. You’re also going to learn more about the internal dialogs you have with your SOLID SELF vs your PSEUDO SELF. LOVE is amazing, but love isn’t perfect. John is going to tell you how we’re challenged because we're taught that love looks like CODEPENDENCY ... and we all know the pitfalls of codependency in all parts of our lives. As part of his contrarian thinking, John also doesn’t believe in THE ONE. Instead, he explains why THE ONE IN FRONT OF YOU is the most important relationship you can possibly have. That leads us to talk about different ATTACHMENT STYLES, finding beauty in each other’s CONTRASTS, and loving your partner like IT’S GOING TO END AT ANY TIME. And no discussion about relationships would be complete without John’s takes of RED FLAGS vs. DEAL BREAKERS and how you should deal with DISHONESTY and COMPARISONS in a relationship. You’re also going to get an education on what to do if you’re not feeling “IT” anymore. After you listen to John’s wisdom, spend some time thinking more about what you can do to IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIPS in your life, especially the relationship you have with YOURSELF. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

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• 0:45Ed Mylett?

  Over 20 years in business, over 12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to cardiff.co/ed. That's cardiff.co/ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding. Cardiff, borrow better.

• 1:06Ed Mylett?

  This is the Ed Mylett Show.

• 1:10Ed Mylett?

  Welcome back, everybody. Today's gonna be awesome. I'm so excited about today because the topic is unique for the show. And really, what we're gonna talk about today is relationships. And not just your relationships with other people, but also your relationship with yourself and how it impacts other people. And the man I have put in this seat today is so unique and so special. He is one of a kind. He's called the angry therapist, which if you meet him in person, he's not so angry. But what he is, is intense. He's direct. He's a little bit of a contrarian thinker. He's got a book out that's either right about the time you're hearing this or right after called It's Not Me, It's You. Break the Blame Cycle: Relationship Better. And his content is so damn good.

• 1:53Ed Mylett?

  I cannot wait to take you guys on this ride today with John Kim. John, welcome to the show, brother.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Uh, first, thank you for calling me a man. I appreciate that. Uh, thank you for having me. Wow, what a, what an honor to, um, you know, um, watch you. The world's so weird where you could, I was just watching you last night on my phone and listening to you in my, and then suddenly I'm here in front of you and it's like the wall's gone.

• 2:15Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  You know, and like it's, it's, it's crazy, the world that we live in. So, uh, yeah, I feel very blessed to be here and to create dialogue.

• 2:22Ed Mylett?

  I feel blessed to, for you to have you here, man. I already like you.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Oh, thanks.

• 2:25Ed Mylett?

  You know, a lot of, most of the time when someone's on the show, I've, I've either known him or had a relationship with him over time.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:32Ed Mylett?

  You know, people submit to come on the show and it's, I only do one a week, so it's not that easy. And then I started watching your stuff. I'm like, okay, I want this dude. I told my team, pursue him, get him. I want him in this studio.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  I didn't know that.

• 2:42Ed Mylett?

  Yeah. So I'm really grateful you're here. All right, let's get into, we're getting into relationship stuff. Not just, I mean, a lot of it's going to be boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, whatever you want to call it, but it's also the one with you.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the most important.

• 2:52Ed Mylett?

  Okay, so let's.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  And the hardest.

• 2:54Ed Mylett?

  So you say, they this thing self versus self, like uppercase versus lowercase. Let's just start there for a second. What does that mean?

• 3:01Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Um, I, you know, I'll, I'll start with, um, uh, the book before this was called, I Used to Be A Miserable And, uh, true story. And in my twenties, uh, I was exchanging my truth for membership a lot. I grew up in LA. And so I didn't have a relationship with self. I was living very outside in instead of inside out. And, uh, it's really good that I wasn't successful then because I would have been, you know, the douchebag. It would have been a very predictable story. I've got addiction in my blood.

• 3:30Ed Mylett?

  Me too.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  But, but yeah, I, I had no relationship with self, no sense of self. And so, uh, very approval seeking. And, um, especially when it came to relationships and women, um, doing whatever I could to get the dopamine, to get the, you know, whatever it is, the sex, the love, the approval. Uh, and it wasn't until 35, um, went through a divorce and, uh, at that point I had nothing. I lost my, uh, friends, had no money. I was broke. I just got, went on Craigslist, found a roommate. And I was like, man, what, what do I, what do I do from here? And I thought, okay. I wanna start, uh, living a different life, um, because I have nothing to lose, because I have nothing.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  Uh, what, what would it be to actually now start to live inside out instead of outside in? What would it look like to maneuver more in my solid self? So when people say self, the S for me stands for solid. And what I mean by that is, uh, we all have a pseudo self, we all have a solid self. And I got them tattooed on my, my, uh, these are, these are all kind of like bookmarks of, of, uh, they're dog-eared pages of my life, my tattoos. And, um, if you've seen the movie, uh, Fight Club, because I think it best explains this. At the end, we realize, uh, disclaimer, I'm gonna have to give away the ending to do my point. But, uh, at the end, we realize it's one person, right? So there's Edward Norton and there's Brad Pitt. And Edward Norton doesn't have a sense of self, right? He's kind of like, uh, you've seen the movie, right?

• 4:57Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  In the beginning, he's just buying Ikea furniture and just like not sleeping, going to movies and all that. Uh, uh, meetings. And, uh, that's his pseudo self. And then he collides with himself, which is Brad Pitt. And at first there's resistance, get away from me, I don't want to have anything to do with you. And then through that collision, he starts, uh, uh, finding him solid, his solid self.

• 5:18Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  And then because of that, he finds a movement, he, you know, he's injected with passion. He becomes a leader, he gets to grow, like all these things happen, the whole character arc.

• 5:27Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  And I think we all have the, uh, Edward Norton inside of us. And we all have the, the Tyler Durden, I think was his name.

• 5:34Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, so good.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  And so the self, the self to me is the solid self. It's the, uh, what, what Marty Bowen, uh, in my, in therapy school calls, well, maybe people call it the authentic self. You know? Um, but I, I call it the solid self.

• 5:48Ed Mylett?

  Do you think that, I'm asking you about that, that outside in, inside out? Is outside in meaning you're trying to get external stuff to give you a feeling?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:55Ed Mylett?

  So, okay.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Yes. You're living, uh, based on things that are outside of self. Instead of living from a place of, um, value, character, you know, uh, this is stuff that isn't on the outside, but is, that is internal.

• 6:11Ed Mylett?

  If you don't have that, so by the way, I told you guys, here we go. We're three minutes in and it's already fricking great stuff. But if you are an outside in living person, does that mean you're probably gonna have pretty hollow, empty relationships? Or can you actually have a effective, loving relationship if you don't even know who you are?

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Oh, that's, I think the relationship would be lopsided because I think what you're bringing to the table is the cardboard cutout. Instead of like the human three dimensional, right? And I think, uh, um, most of my life, I was that cardboard cutout. Um, if you are pulling from your pseudo self, which is the false version of you. And by the way, no one's solid. I mean, you know, Jesus, Buddha, maybe, but like as humans, uh, depending on who you're around, like if you're around your boss, you may be a little more pseudo. If you're with your kids, you're going to be solid. If you're with, you know, friends, different friends and stuff. But generally speaking, uh, if you pull more from your solid self, what you're bringing to the table is uniquely you. You're bringing your potential, you're bringing who you are, you're bringing the acceptance of your story.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  So a lot of pseudo self people rip out chapters and they, um, they're kind of false advertising and they pick out the good parts of their story and present themselves in a way that is attractive.

• 7:24Ed Mylett?

  I certainly still do that sometimes. I think, I'm loving this. So you do believe that it's a, cause I think some people listen to this or like, shoot, I still do do that. You're saying everyone still does it a little bit. It's to the extent or the propensity you have to do it.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  It's when most of your days, most of your weeks, you're pulling from your pseudo self, um, that you're at your lowest frequency, that you're not bringing much to the table. And so in that relationship, you're, you're kind of a shell. Um, you may be fancy, you may be funny, you may be good and bad or whatever, um, but your potential is low because your humanness isn't there and you know, and what makes you unique is the solid self.

• 8:03Ed Mylett?

  How do you do that? So by the way, you came to becoming a therapist late in life.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm a late bloomer, man. I, um, at 35, I did my first squat. I looked like a pigeon. I was a guy that, you know, biceps and then, um, no, I, you know, I'm talking about no legs, right?

• 8:18Ed Mylett?

  Beach workout.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  Found CrossFit at 35 after divorce. Um, and I was a screenwriter, a failed screenwriter and, um, put my wife at the time on a pedestal. So I revolved around her. So when the marriage ended, I had no life, uh, which is great because then you start, it, it's a black light, right?

• 8:38Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  It's like God says, this is what you have, you know? And, uh, so I found fitness and, uh, I, I found CrossFit and I was like, what is this? This is back, this is, uh, 12, 13 years ago when they were like flipping tires and alleyways and stuff. And I was really interested in it and then I kinda got obsessed with it and it was always about challenging myself because it was timed and it was functional movement, things I've never done before. And that became kind of my daily ritual so I wouldn't fall into depression.

• 9:09Ed Mylett?

  So your way out of that, which for a lot of people is too, was physiology, literally moving your body.

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was one way in. It was that and motorcycles. One of the things that I tell people is with clients, they ask, you know, okay, so you've got the pseudo and solid, I need to connect to my solid self and the solid self is usually the whisper, the pseudo self is the thundering voice, right? That's been programming, advertising, right? The shoulds, you know, followers, social media, it's very loud. The solid voice is usually the quiet whisper because we ignore, we don't listen to our solid self, we don't listen to our truth because we're scared to.

• 9:46Ed Mylett?

  So stay there. You say this in your book and in your content that you need to listen to the quiet whisper.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, more so.

• 9:53Ed Mylett?

  Yeah. What's that look like when you do it? Is it just getting alone and turning out the noise? Because this is profound what you're about to say. This is profound.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's in the stillness, you know, when we talk about our truth, our intuition, I think it's in our stillness because we're so not used to listening to the quiet voice that we have to practice it until that voice then becomes louder and we trust that voice. I think our relationship with self is like any relationship in that it's built, you know? And then, you know, when people say self-love, I kind of feel like it's a bumper sticker because it's like thrown around a lot, like gratitude, right? And I get it, it's of course self-love, but self-like, I think that's harder, man, because we love family members that we don't really like or we'd be friends with because, but

• 10:45Speaker 01

  they're family, so we love them, it's a choice. But liking someone's not a choice, right? Like if I want you to like me, that's earned, man. You know, I could say I love you as a brother, as another human, I don't know you. But then liking is earned and so when you apply that to self, now enter the journey. And so when someone says, oh yeah, love yourself, that's like, what, over the weekend? What do I need to do to do that? That's like a choice, okay, I do love myself, I choose to, you know, I'm alive, I'm feeding myself, I love myself in that way, but if someone says, like yourself.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  Then it's like, I, so that's where I started.

• 11:23Ed Mylett?

  Mm hmm.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Do I like myself? What does that look like? And then I fell into fitness and bought a motorcycle and spent a lot of time alone.

• 11:32Ed Mylett?

  Brother, like, you're helping millions of people right now. And the way you articulate this, I have to tell you something interesting. I love, when I'm with a vulnerable person, I become more vulnerable, right?

• 11:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:43Ed Mylett?

  That's why I love my show. And I think about the same age I started to evaluate that.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 11:49Ed Mylett?

  About thirty five. I'm fifty one now. By the way, huge work in progress on these things as well. But as I started to get to know me even, I don't even, so it didn't start with liking me. It started like actually getting to know me.

• 12:03Ed Mylett?

  I found that my external relationships really dramatically became deeper. And by the way, over time, once I got to know me, I'm like, I kind of do like me.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  What was the catalyst for you? So for me, it was divorce. What was it for you?

• 12:14Ed Mylett?

  Success. Extra success, meaning, okay, I did exactly what you were saying.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:19Ed Mylett?

  I'll get another, more money, more accolades, more people know me, more followers, more of this, more, more successful friends, more notoriety, more invites to cool parties, more jets, more this, more of that. And I'm like, and I still am not happy. And this is a game I'm playing that is like, by the way, I've gotten really good at this game. I got different than you in the sense that I got good at that game.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:39Ed Mylett?

  But it didn't produce what I thought it would produce.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  So you had success early. So by the time you were thirty five, you were.

• 12:44Ed Mylett?

  I was, yeah, I had some wealth by the time I was thirty five and came from none of it. But I'll tell you what happened. I remember one day I'm literally brushing my teeth. I caught a glimpse of myself brushing my teeth.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 12:53Ed Mylett?

  And I realized in this moment, like, I never even look at me. Like, I might get ready to make sure I think I look good.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:59Ed Mylett?

  But I'm never alone with me, where I just like, look at me. Who is this man?

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Well, you're busy being successful.

• 13:06Ed Mylett?

  I was busy being my pseudo self.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 13:09Ed Mylett?

  All the time.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:11Ed Mylett?

  By the way, a pretty nice pseudo self, a kind person. I was a giving person. I wasn't a mean person. I've always, you know, I think I've been pretty good human. But I didn't know me.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:21Ed Mylett?

  And I remember just looking at me going, I don't know that guy. I don't even spend any time looking at me, never mind being with me or talking with me or enjoying me. And it started, it scared me. I'm like, I probably only have one more of these blocks. I don't have great genetics. So I'm halfway. That's when I was thirty five, I'm like, I'm halfway, probably for me genetically. Now, now I think maybe hopefully it goes longer than that. But it's like, man, I don't want to get out of this life with never knowing me. Never liking me.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:51Ed Mylett?

  And then really, how deep are these relationships that I have if I don't even know who I'm bringing to the relationship?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:57Ed Mylett?

  And so your work, man, like really resonates with me deeply. And I think a lot of people, this would be surprised to hear two dudes about our age, you know?

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:06Ed Mylett?

  Kind of.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  I'm forty nine.

• 14:07Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, I'm a couple of years older than you, right?

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Well, if I was in Korea, I'd be fifty because they count the time in your mom's stomach.

• 14:12Ed Mylett?

  Do they really?

• 14:13Speaker 01

  That's why I don't live in Korea. That's why I stay in L.A.

• 14:15Ed Mylett?

  That's the reason. Oh, okay. So you're a year younger.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:21Ed Mylett?

  The other thing you said a minute ago, I want to go there is you were talking about how you put your first wife on a pedestal.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:25Ed Mylett?

  You have something you said, bro, that in your work that I just went, oh, my gosh, which you said that we are taught. Listen to this, everyone. You ready to go for like a moment, which you're gonna get a lot with John? You said, we are taught that love looks like codependency.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 14:41Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Demeshment, codependency.

• 14:43Ed Mylett?

  So what is that? What do you mean?

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I used to believe that if you go down, I go down with you. If I go down, you go down with me because it's romantic and also, you know, Disney movies, rom coms. And that feels, it just feels like love, right? We're all for, we're all in this together.

• 15:01Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  And now I believe if you go down, I'll give you my hand, but not my life.

• 15:06Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  You know what I'm saying?

• 15:07Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  We are two different people and the image, and I remember this so well.

• 15:11Ed Mylett?

  A lot of people just heard that one. No, no, I don't want that. I want that thing that I see in the movie.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Well, because it shoots more dopamine and it's sexier, you know? The images that I see for a healthy relationship, I thought it was a yogurt ad, but someone DM me said, no, that was actually a Viagra ad. And I was like, okay, but it was two people in a, they're like in their eighties on the, like on the Grand Canyon. You know, in separate bathtubs, facing outward. And the only thing that was connecting them was their hand outside of the bathtub.

• 15:42Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  And I remember coming across that in a magazine and thinking. Oh, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. Because what I would imagine is two people in a hot tub on top of each other, facing each other. You know, and yes, that's sexy and that produces a lot of dopamine. And that's kind of, I think we've been brainwashed to believe in the one happily ever after and all that.

• 16:04Ed Mylett?

  You believe the one is BS.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  I do. I believe in the one in front of you. I think, I think when you, when, when, uh, and, and you've been married for so long. So I don't know how you feel about this, but.

• 16:15Ed Mylett?

  Twenty-five years.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I think today that, that like doubles. It means more today than those years. But, but when you're, when you're programmed to believe that, that there is the one. I think the danger in that is whoever you're dating, you're gonna bust out your checklist. And this, if this person is the one and the one for the rest of your life, man, they better be perfect. And everything better check off and the sex must be mind blowing and all in. That's not, we're human, you know, and relationships are hard. And so it puts a lot of pressure and a black light on the relationship. Now, if the one is just the one in front of you, now you're more present. And you're not thinking if there's someone else in the world that is better for you or suited for you. You know what I'm saying?

• 17:00Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  The, the one is always the one that you're looking at.

• 17:03Ed Mylett?

  Well, I actually think when you have a belief that there's just the one that when you meet them, that potentially you come across as desperate or needy because.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Oh, sure.

• 17:11Ed Mylett?

  One human now.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Right.

• 17:12Ed Mylett?

  And I think sometimes people that are in the dating circles don't realize that they have an energy they're giving off that once they think this person is the one, if you have that belief system.

• 17:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:21Ed Mylett?

  Potentially there are multiple ones that will be right for you, right? There aren't, not everyone is right for you, but that when you do have this belief, this is the only walking human being on earth that will satisfy the things that I need in my life. How can you not come across as somewhat desperate?

• 17:36Speaker 01

  Well, you're gonna do everything you can to get this person or make this relationship work.

• 17:40Ed Mylett?

  Right. And then, by the way, I think in that, I want you to talk about it because you're the therapist, not me. But that probably fosters codependency.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, absolutely.

• 17:47Ed Mylett?

  I need you.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. There's a dependency and that's also when you go from solid to pseudo. You know what I'm saying?

• 17:53Ed Mylett?

  Why? Why do you have to go from solid

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Because you're not bringing your authentic self, you're bringing a self that is lined with desperation, that is now putting this person, you know, high up, that is now going back to the hot tub with two people on top of each other instead of in their own separate bathtubs. And then also, if you believe that this person is the one that you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life, what if it doesn't work out? What if she leaves? Like, you know?

• 18:16Ed Mylett?

  You just explained where most people find such misery, bro.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:20Ed Mylett?

  Because they think they had them.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Well, also, then you also get controlling. You also get jealous. You know, all these other things, you know, the shadow sides come out if you believe this is the one person for you in this world.

• 18:31Ed Mylett?

  But I think some people listening, so let's go there, because you know what they're thinking. Okay, they're thinking, yeah, but then how deep's the connection? If I don't go down with you.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:38Ed Mylett?

  When you say go down, I assume you mean like maybe they've, you know, become a drug addict or an alcoholic even, or like I'm just supposed to ride this out with you forever. As you ruin your life and mine.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:48Ed Mylett?

  So there is, I, you know, I often think sometimes that with my children, you have kids, that's unconditional love. There's really nothing my kids can do that's gonna stop this relationship with me. My daughter killed somebody, I hate to say this, but I'm probably helping her bury the body somewhere.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I mean, all parents, right, right, right.

• 19:07Ed Mylett?

  But other relationships, there are conditions.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  There should be.

• 19:11Ed Mylett?

  There should be conditions, right? Like, hey, if you repeatedly do these things to me, that's a condition that's broken. And I think sometimes people go to this the one thing, or this codependency thing, whereas there are no conditions.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  Right.

• 19:23Ed Mylett?

  And, and then if there are no conditions, if there are no boundaries, you're putting an awful lot of pressure on that other human being not to push the limits of it.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:31Ed Mylett?

  Don't you think?

• 19:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Vanessa, my partner, says it in this book, and I think we wrote it together. She, she says it really good about codependency. That's her whole thing, is she describes it as, if I'm, so basically, what's healthy is

• 19:47Speaker 01

  If I'm okay and you're not okay, of course, I could support you and stuff, but it's okay. Codependency is when you're not okay, that makes me not okay.

• 19:58Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  If I'm not okay, you should not be okay too. You know what I'm saying?

• 20:02Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  And that's like the whole, like, I'll give you my hand, but not my... It doesn't mean that if you see your partner going through a winter or a depression, that you just, "Oh, that's not me. It's not that, of course you helping, you support." But at what point do you... You can't lose self or your life because, you know, because then they're taking you hostage, whether they want to know it or not.

• 20:23Ed Mylett?

  This self thing is so profound, bro, because, one, I think a lot of us come into a relationship... By the way, and again, I'm being transparent. I think till I was about 35 years old, but I'm still a work in progress on it. But if you don't know who you are, what do you bring into a relationship? And then also, this loss of self, when we enter a relationship, is a really dangerous thing. One, I don't think that you're bringing the vibrational frequency, the energy, the interesting things about you, if you die in order to be one in a relationship. And it's an interesting thing I wanted to explore with you, because I've watched relationships and of friends of mine that were very loving. They were two wonderful people that got together, they formed a bond. There's us now, which I think is powerful.

• 21:03Ed Mylett?

  But at some point, that us eroded me and I, meaning that they were no longer an individual.

• 21:12Speaker 01

  Right, right. They meshed.

• 21:13Ed Mylett?

  They meshed. And ironically, that lack of individuality, that lack of expression of who one is, became less attractive to the other person over time.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  It's called false advertising. Because, you know, it's funny, because when you're single, you're working on yourself, you're going to the gym, you're doing all these things, and you're really doing everything to connect to you. And then you get into a relationship, and over time, you know, then it's the sweats. And, you know, people kind of like let go of taking care of themselves and all that. And I think we have a responsibility, when we're in a relationship, to continue the relationship with ourselves. Or else it is false advertising. Because when I met you, you were this type of person. And now, like, we never go out, you don't, you know, you don't court me anymore, which should be continuous, right? You're not fanning the flames, you don't... All the stuff that you were doing when we started is now gone,

• 22:07Speaker 01

  because things have gotten too comfortable. You know, and so that's when it gets... murky and that's when people start getting curious about other people.

• 22:15Ed Mylett?

  I think you're exactly right. What about this idea of thank you for being so good at this?

• 22:19Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't know if I'm good, but.

• 22:21Ed Mylett?

  You're outstanding and you're you're the way you express it is unique and it's why you're sitting here.

• 22:26Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 22:28Ed Mylett?

  And like I know when I'm in a good one of these. I know when I'm something I'm like, hey, this is this is special. You talk about different attachment styles.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, and I'll just go through three. There's more secure attachment is and attachment styles stem from from childhood and of course, starting with our parents. But there's anxious attachment and that is when you're holding on to the person's leg instead of their hand. Right. That's like me. I need the person to tell me that I'm beautiful and that they're they're not leaving and they love me and all that kind of stuff. Right. Lots of lots of tax and connection. There's avoidant and that's more like my partner who goes runs the other way is is not is avoidant with intimacy and hard conversations and vulnerability. We are not that much anymore because we've done a lot of work.

• 23:13Ed Mylett?

  I was gonna say, that'd be pretty difficult.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, there's different extremes of that.

• 23:17Ed Mylett?

  Sure.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  But if we were to classify, that's where I come from. That's where she comes from. And then there's secure and secure is again, when you have your own sense of self interdependence. When you are your own person, you have your own opinions, you can say no. You can say to your boyfriend how you want him to go down on you. You can express yourself. You can say, no, I don't want tacos today. I want pizza. And I know I know it sounds very, very simple, but in relationships, we don't do that. We actually start loving the because we think what love looks like is loving the other person more than us.

• 23:51Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  More than us and because that's what a good husband looks like. I'm going to always put her ahead of she wants pizza, she's getting pizza. That's what that's what a man looks like. It's like, is it? Or are you exchanging your truth for love or for validation? Are you exchanging something? That you know what I'm saying?

• 24:09Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  So now, if that's the case, are you giving or taking? Because if you want something back from the person, you're taking, you're not giving.

• 24:16Ed Mylett?

  Oh my gosh.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  Giving would be like, hey, I love you, but today I want pizza.

• 24:20Ed Mylett?

  Is that what you mean by choosing ourselves, or is that a little bit different?

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, I think, I think that also is choosing yourself, meaning, stand on your truth and put action behind what loving slash liking yourself looks like. And I think some people are good at that when they're single, but I think when they get into a relationship, when love enters the picture, right, especially if it's toxic, right, especially if someone is needy, or codependent, or controlling, or all of that, the wheels fall off. And it happens over time, you know, it's like the boiling frog, right?

• 24:55Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  It's a slow drip that can still drown you. It's not like, people don't fall into toxic relationships when, when on the date, they sense all these red flags and they're like, okay, I'm gonna invest in this person anyway. Usually, it's over time, five, six years in, and now they wake up one day and they're like, I don't even know who I am.

• 25:12Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 25:13Speaker 01

  I don't know who I, a lot of women, and mostly women than men, from my experience with working with clients, wake up, mostly in their 30s, and been with people for, you know, five, 10 years, and this happens, and they're like, I have no sense of, I'm just here. I'm existing, I'm not living. And just having sex because it's obligation, and they don't know what to do, and they've really lost, like, who they are.

• 25:40Ed Mylett?

  Okay, so like 5 million people just are going, oh my gosh, you just described me, right?

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, now what do I do?

• 25:44Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, right, so what would be, what's a, you're going right where I wanna go, so...

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Well, it's, it's, it's kind of like, I think where I started, you know, it's the hero's journey, man, it's the cult, call to, you know, the hero's journey, right? The cult adventure and selling your dragons. I think it's starting, going back full circle to suit over solid.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  What is your solid self and can you start listening to that solid self? And it comes in micro moments. It's not like these big decisions like, you know, life changing. I mean, it can be, but it can be something as like, hey, you know what? Today I'm not gonna go to work. I'm gonna go to the beach. It's a quiet whisper. But then there's this giant should. Yeah, but you're this and you're that. And that means you're lazy piece of whatever. And so can you give yourself love, compassion, understanding? And today, can you execute what you want? The quiet whisper and actually go to the beach? Can you give that yourself without the shame? Without the, and it's gonna be really hard. Most people can't. You, you, you start there and then you build and then you build. And you get to a place where you start then able to set boundaries, to make choices. And it's also more attractive, right?

• 26:50Speaker 01

  And then you're, the people around you are like, I'll have what she's having.

• 26:54Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  Man, she's kind, but she's assertive.

• 26:57Ed Mylett?

  And you know what also happens? I'll have her. No, really, like what ends up happening is this becomes a magnetic, attractive being again. Or maybe for the first time.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 27:06Ed Mylett?

  I, I so totally agree with you and it, and it could be actually standing up for what you want. Like I actually want tacos tonight. It sounds so trivial.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, it sounds, but it's in the mundane.

• 27:14Ed Mylett?

  Or actually, honey, you're going to watch the kids and I am going to the gym.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  Right.

• 27:18Ed Mylett?

  And actually stand for yourself and do something caring and loving for yourself, right?

• 27:21Speaker 01

  And, and coming from a not place, not a place of controlling or getting back at anyone. It's, it's coming from your truth and it's coming from a place of self-love, you know?

• 27:33Ed Mylett?

  What is, you got this terms, man. What is repetition compulsion?

• 27:37Speaker 01

  Repetition, I don't, I think my partner wrote that one.

• 27:40Ed Mylett?

  Okay, so that must be from your partner.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:41Ed Mylett?

  You're talking, I think what it was is that you, I think, I wanna go there with it because I think it was like repetitiously falling into a pattern in a relationship. Where like you have a compulsion to continue to serve them in a way that maybe doesn't serve you anymore. So actually, I, I'll, I'll make my own term of it.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love it.

• 27:57Ed Mylett?

  Let's just say I'm right.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  I love it. I think you're right.

• 28:00Ed Mylett?

  But I think that happens intimately wise too. Where like, there's something that, and this, we're going really deep here. But like, there's something intimately that your partner really loves that you don't enjoy, that you don't like.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 28:12Ed Mylett?

  But you repetitiously do it out of some compulsion. To serve them, or maybe some verbal thing you do, or a particular behavior you have. Maybe it's not even in an intimate way. But you, it doesn't serve you, it doesn't make you feel good about you. There's a way they speak to you, or you speak to them. But it makes them feel good, so you have this compulsion to continue to do it. That's my version.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Yes, uh, my, so we all went out to dinner the other night, me and like four other therapists, uh, my partner's a therapist, our friend's a therapist. And we were talking, and I don't know how we got on this topic, but we're talking about how, um, women can go down on a guy and actually, um, oh, as, as a way to avoid sex. And I was like, wait a minute, I said, but that's so intimate. Um, and they're like, it might be for men, when men are going down on women, but for women, they're, they're saying that, and these are all women, they're saying, it's not, it could be, it's easy, it's not intimate, and it could be a great way to get out of sex. And it blew my mind, and I was thinking, and they're like, yeah, and we've been doing it for years. And I was thinking, so that's kind of an example of a pattern that could happen, right?

• 29:11Speaker 01

  If you don't want to be intimate, where that's kind of how you take care, and it shouldn't be happening because it's misleading. And also, you shouldn't be doing it if you don't want to.

• 29:20Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  Um, but something like that, over the years, the pattern of that is damaging, right?

• 29:25Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  And that's, we're just talking about just everyday stuff, you know?

• 29:29Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, yeah, that's super interesting.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  And it shocked me because I'll think, I was thinking, oh, and then I started playing back on my relationships, and we're think, was thinking, uh, how many of them were just doing it because they didn't want to have sex with me?

• 29:41Ed Mylett?

  You look back at your life.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  I thought they wanted to do it.

• 29:43Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, I don't even want to think about that.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, anyway.

• 29:45Ed Mylett?

  So you, I want to talk about love with oneself and, and, but also, you say, well, maybe she wrote it, but I know you can speak to it, about finding beauty in the contrast.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that's all me, man.

• 29:58Ed Mylett?

  Okay, I want to hear about this.

• 29:59Speaker 01

  So Vanessa and I, uh, we, we, um, we're going on five years, and it wasn't, it was rocky. It wasn't, uh, lightning in the bottle. It was, you know, peeling the onion. We're so different that in the beginning, I thought, I don't know if this is gonna work, man, we're just very different, you know? Um, across the board, we're different, and so. We got to a place where she's like, either, you know, shit or get off the pot. You're either gonna be with me or not. And we took a couple of weeks off and I came back. And what really changed for me was I started to find beauty in the contrast. I started to, instead of looking at our differences and saying, oh, no, it's not gonna work. You know, our humor is different, or she's a vegetarian, I eat meat, or whatever it is, she's avoiding.

• 30:42Speaker 01

  I mean, just any kind of difference, I would make it a, a, a, um, I would make it a red flag. Or I'd make it a pink flag and say, you know, oh, caution.

• 30:49Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  And then I got to the point where I was like, what if I started to look at her differences and found beauty in them? What if I started to, um, not only notice that, that she's different than me, but appreciate how she's different than me? And for me, that was the game changer, man. That's when the magnet flipped again. That's when I started to produce, um, relationship glue, you know? And I think it's not just, it's with anyone. Like, if you and I are different, instead of judging you for your difference, what if I start to see beauty in your difference?

• 31:24Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  I mean, it makes us human.

• 31:26Ed Mylett?

  It makes us human. I, I see what's really interesting about that. Most of my friends, our morality or our character is very similar.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:35Ed Mylett?

  But actually, they're really different than me. Like, I'm super introverted. Most of my really dear friends are really extroverted people, you know? And very expressive people. I'm actually really quiet in person. It's interesting, in our one relationship, somehow we have this fallacy that we have to believe that, like, man, we're just exactly alike.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 31:51Ed Mylett?

  Yet, like, most of my friends aren't that way. Why does that one relationship need to be that way? It's super true. Also, even with myself, I like the contrast in me.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:59Ed Mylett?

  Like, I love human beings, as you could tell being with me, yet I am an introvert. Right? That's kind of a contrast. I'm very quiet one-on-one, but I'll speak in front of 50,000 people.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:09Ed Mylett?

  You know, I'm a super intense dude, yet there's a real part of me that likes laying around watching Netflix. I like my contrast. When I was younger, I thought it meant one wasn't real. I'm really not that intense. No, means I'm a complex human being.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love that, man. I mean, that's basically, uh, it's humanizing yourself.

• 32:26Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  It's the action of humanizing yourself, uh, finding beauty in the contrast.

• 32:30Ed Mylett?

  What about this notion of, God, there's so much of your stuff that, like, I wanna go three hours and we don't get to? But you also talk about, like, People want like a contract with love. Like, I want this written. I want to know it's forever.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  Sure, a guarantee.

• 32:45Ed Mylett?

  But you say something profound and I want you to speak to you say, actually, why don't you love them like it's going to end?

• 32:50Speaker 01

  Which people are like, what?

• 32:52Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 32:52Speaker 01

  Why would I, why would I invest in something that is, you know?

• 32:55Ed Mylett?

  Right, right.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  What happens is if you love like it's going to end, uh, first of all, nothing in this world is permanent, right? But if you like, if you love like it's going to end, you're more present, you're more appreciative, you're less judgmental. You know, and it's like, again, it's not just with our partners. I mean, it's with our parents, it's with our children. Um, we're not thinking about if only this person did this, then it would work. You know, or when we get the house or we're not, we're not like trying to swim to an island. We're already there. I, I, you know, one of the things that I, uh, made me very miserable was I used to believe that the gold was at the end of the rainbow, like many people. And I would hit pause on life and wait until I got, and back in the day I was a screenwriter, so the three picture deal.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  You know, the nine 11, the Hollywood, the House and the Hills and all that. And none of that happened. So I was just existing and I was like this cardboard cutout. And then after 35 and I went through this whole, um, rebirth, I realized the gold coins are sprinkled throughout the rainbow. They're not at the end. And I just missed so many gold coins because I'm just waiting for, you know?

• 34:01Ed Mylett?

  Oh my god.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  And so I hit play on life again and I started to, um, find nectar. I got a, a hummingbird as a reminder. To see a connector in the here and now, in what you have and in relationships.

• 34:14Ed Mylett?

  Beautifully said.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you really believe that, uh, no matter what you're going through, I know relationships are perfect, but if you, if you really can find the coins in your relationship. Um, instead of like when they get here or when we start doing this or when, you know, but actually, um, in the here and now, finding all the, all the gold coins, uh, and if two people are doing that, it changes the dynamic very fast.

• 34:39Ed Mylett?

  What a beautiful way of saying it, bro.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  It changes the dynamic.

• 34:41Ed Mylett?

  I'm not gonna forget that. That's so good.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  It's a little cartoony, but anyway.

• 34:45Ed Mylett?

  For the angry therapist, it's cartoony, but for me, you're right down my alley there. What about the, um, you, you call it like the peaceful practice of noticing certain things in the book? Like just, is that what you mean by the gold coins?

• 34:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I, I, um, um, I think the, the, the thing in the book that really.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  I think my favorite thing in the book is try to understand before trying to be understood. Like, that hit me. I almost wanted to write a whole book just on that sentence.

• 35:14Ed Mylett?

  I suck at that.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  And I think, me too. And I used to be the guy that would steamroll people, try to win an argument, get very logical. I remember this one time, I got into a fight with my ex because we were arguing about the tinted windows. She was very porcelain skin and I said, "Why don't you just tint the window on the side?" And she was like, "Oh, that's not gonna..." And we were arguing for hours until she finally broke down. And I found, and I realized, it had nothing to do with the tint. She just wanted to be heard, you know? And I was like, "Well, you know, I know this about cars..." And then, at 35, after many expired relationships, and then now with Vanessa,

• 35:56Speaker 01

  one of the things that I remind myself, because I fall short off all the time, is when things get heated, like, take a breath, try to understand before trying to be understood.

• 36:06Ed Mylett?

  Really good.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  And then if we both do that, oh, man. Because it's not about how many times you fight, it's about how you fight. And then it's safe. Like, the space is safe, right? Then there's compassion, there's love.

• 36:17Ed Mylett?

  Well, you change the dynamic, don't you? I mean, like, if you're in a relationship, because I've been in them and I've been the guy doing it, by the way, so I'm the best, where I'm going to win this argument. You almost compel and force the other person over time that then they need to win the argument. And now your relationship is much more about who won the argument all the time. And that's a dynamic. Like, okay, we're gonna disagree, now we're gonna have a fight to see who wins. But what you're describing changes the dynamic. If both people decide to cooperate, imagine never going into one where each of you are trying to win.

• 36:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:48Ed Mylett?

  What a beautiful, different way to have a relationship.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  It's hard to do that, though. I mean, we all have egos, we all want to win, we all think that we are right. But, man, if you do that, the soil for growth is very rich.

• 37:03Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  With anyone. With your friends, with your partner, with your kids. Always trying to understand before trying to be understood.

• 37:10Ed Mylett?

  Well, the other thing that you say in the book is that when you get defensive, I never thought about it this way, that you actually shut down the prefrontal cortex of your brain. You know, I never even thought about it that way, which is your place where you're reasoning, actually, and feeling different things, right?

• 37:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're just very reactive. You're defending, you're holding up shields.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  It's not you.

• 37:28Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  You know?

• 37:30Ed Mylett?

  What about this idea of? How do you know a red flag compared to like what you call a breaker? There's this thing in the book like.

• 37:36Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, swim past the breakers. Yes.

• 37:38Ed Mylett?

  Swim past the breakers and then, but then there's red flags too. So what does swim past the breakers mean?

• 37:43Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 37:43Ed Mylett?

  How do you delineate or distinguish between that and a red flag?

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a great question. So the breakers, I'm not talking about the, the, the switches on your wall. I'm talking about like if you're surfing in the ocean, the, um, the waves that are, um, that people surf on are the breakers. And if you swim past that, the ocean is actually calm.

• 38:00Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  You know, like it's the, uh, it's the breakers. And so in relationships, I think after the honeymoon stage, um, you move in with someone and then you realize, oh, this person is human and they leave their socks on the floor. And there's all these things that's going to, you know, the attachment styles and love, difference in love languages.

• 38:18Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 38:19Speaker 01

  And you gotta swim past all that. Swimming past doesn't mean to ignore. Swimming past means to work through, to understand, to discover. And then it gets calm because now you've built something where you feel safe. Most people, uh, or many, I shouldn't say most, they get into a relationship. Um, they realize, oh, this person isn't who I thought he was or, oh, you know, we, we, we're different in this way. They give up too fast. I mean, you've been with someone for so long and there's no way that didn't require.

• 38:51Ed Mylett?

  So true.

• 38:51Speaker 01

  Swim past a lot of breakers and picking the fights that you want and, uh, being honest and, and just communication, all that stuff. So building bridges, you know?

• 39:00Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  Most people, I think especially with today's generation, because we, everything's customized and everything is instant. Uh, we have programmed ourselves to not roll our sleeves up and actually stay in it and work through it, not suffer, right? And that's the difference. So a red flag is like if, if there's a character assassination or if someone's being abusive. You don't sit in that, you know? That's a red flag, right?

• 39:26Ed Mylett?

  Suffering.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, yeah, exactly.

• 39:29Ed Mylett?

  Okay, that's a great distinction.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, or even if someone, you know, I think a good sign of character is if someone is maybe kind to you, but like with busboys, bartenders, they're like total assholes.

• 39:42Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  And you're like...

• 39:44Ed Mylett?

  I watched that stuff.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, man, those little things, and you're like, that's a character thing.

• 39:48Ed Mylett?

  Big time.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:49Ed Mylett?

  Crazy you say that, no matter who I'm out with.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  How do you treat other people?

• 39:53Ed Mylett?

  How do they treat other people? How do they treat other people who can't do anything for them?

• 39:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:57Ed Mylett?

  They'll treat someone great who can do something for them, or who's well-known, or who's connected. But how do you treat somebody who isn't gonna do a lot for you? I watched that too. Do you make eye contact with them? Do you look them in the eye when you talk to them? Do you thank them? Are you grateful for them? Are you dismissive to them?

• 40:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 40:11Ed Mylett?

  To me, those are huge things.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  And to me, those can be red flags, but swinging past the breakers isn't that. Swinging past the breakers is working through our differences and why relationships are so hard.

• 40:25Ed Mylett?

  What about dishonesty? What if someone cheated on you? How do you feel about that? Or if someone physically cheated on you?

• 40:31Speaker 01

  So cheating, I think today gets a very, because cheating is complicated, right?

• 40:39Speaker 01

  I think it all comes down to intention, and so, yes, cheating is wrong, of course, if you're monogamous, but when people say, "Oh, I didn't do anything wrong," I always ask them, so like, if they were cheated on and they wanna punch me in the face, after a while, I ask them, "What was your contribution to that?"

• 41:03Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 41:04Speaker 01

  They're like, "What are you talking about? No, he cheated on me. He cheated on me." I get it, I understand that's what happened. I don't wanna excuse that. What do you think your contribution was? And then if they want to answer it honestly, they look back. Well, yeah, you know, there was drift. There are a lot of things that I should have expressed, but I didn't. You know, whatever, you know, and then they start taking ownership. The reason I ask that question is because if you just blame the cheater,

• 41:33Speaker 01

  there's no way it's salvageable because this person plays victim. You know, and so both people have to take ownership in a relationship because there's two pieces, two parts of any relationship.

• 41:43Ed Mylett?

  Doesn't mean that one error wasn't more egregious than the other one, I guess is what you're saying, but you could still have contributed to the dysfunction. By the way, if you don't learn from what you potentially did to cause that, maybe you'll get with someone else, do the same thing again, and produce the same result.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. And cheating like one night at a party because you were intoxicated or met an ex or whatever, which isn't excusable, I get that's wrong as well, is very different than someone who has been living two different lives and has been cheating on you for three years with, you know what I'm talking about? Has a family with someone else.

• 42:11Ed Mylett?

  But I also think, yeah, I also think though, if you're in a relationship and you've made it clear that, hey, if you violate that, this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. That's, you're allowed to create boundaries in a relationship where you say, listen, if you go do either one of those two things, the drunk thing with an ex at a party or that, that's the end.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 42:26Ed Mylett?

  And as long as that's been expressed, you have every right to leave somebody who's violated a part of a boundary that you've both agreed to. If you've both agreed to that boundary.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 42:36Ed Mylett?

  Let me ask you about comparison.

• 42:40Ed Mylett?

  In my life, when I was younger, I would compare times in my life to other times, and it was never healthy.

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Oh, interesting.

• 42:46Ed Mylett?

  Meaning I'd say, you know, I used to look better here. Or, man, I miss when I had this. And comparison seems to me to be the thief of joy.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:55Ed Mylett?

  I also feel like in relation, so that's a relationship with me.

• 42:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 42:58Ed Mylett?

  I think everyone should hear this.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  So you compare yourself to your own self, not to others?

• 43:01Ed Mylett?

  Well, I've done both.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:03Ed Mylett?

  So I've done the comparison to my previous self, where I was either, you know, happier to a given time, healthier to a given time, younger to a given time, I liked, man, I made a mistake. I liked where I lived. Why'd I move?

• 43:16Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 43:16Ed Mylett?

  So there's that. Then there's comparison to me and other people. Both of them have been thieves of joy for me in my life. But then I watch friends of mine in relationships and they do two things. They compare their relationship to the outward pseudo-appearance of another one, to use your term.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  Right.

• 43:34Ed Mylett?

  And they compare their current version of the relationship to a previous version of it. Meaning, I remember when.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. When things were good or when we were right.

• 43:43Ed Mylett?

  Weeks in and you did this or I did that. So what about that in a relationship? Is it ever healthy to compare to a previous? Because it's just different time. It's different nuance, there's different information. But I actually think comparison is, could potentially be the beginning of the downfall of a relationship.

• 44:01Speaker 01

  Absolutely. I'm gonna, my response is gonna be a little abstract, but it's something I really believe in.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  I always tell people, starting with myself, all parts of your story will be used.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  All parts of your story will be used. And I remember saying this when I had, could only afford a donut and Starphone coffee, listening to Wayne Dyer. I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life. You know, I had a horrible roommate and I was like, you know what? I'm in a really bad place right now and I know that this part's gonna be used. So instead of ripping out chapters because things have happened and because we, you know, they're lined with shame or guilt, right? It's all going to be a part of this bigger story. And I think our stories are the most valuable thing that we will ever own. I mean, it's what we leave behind that we have created because we lived them, right? So it's not, you know, the houses and the Porsches and all that. And if you love those things, great, but it's your story. It's your story.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  And so with relationships, with comparison, going back to that. If you believe all parts of your story will be used, then when you were, you know, the fittest, right? And you loved your, you thought you looked the best, great, that's gonna be used. But also now, what you're going through now is gonna be used, right? Your muffin top or whatever you're going through. You know, I'm getting a lot of white hairs. I'm, it takes a little bit more than the wind to get it up these days. I'm feeling older, right? And I know that with, that this story's gonna be used as well, like this chapter. And when you look at relationships, it's not a constant. Of course, when you guys first met, there was a lot of excitement and you guys were, you know,

• 45:40Speaker 01

  doing crazy things and it felt like the two kids at the high school under the bleachers. That's great, that's gonna be used. But also the chaos now with the kids and scheduling sex and how hard things are and wondering if there's better. It's all normal too and that's also gonna be part of your story and that's how there's an arc, you know?

• 45:58Ed Mylett?

  I love that, this is going to be used. I'm stealing that too, like that's something that I need to hold on to.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:03Ed Mylett?

  Chapter seventeen is, if you're not feeling it anymore. So you're in a relationship right now and you're not feeling it. What would you say to somebody who's saying that right now?

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Oh man, yeah, that's um...

• 46:14Ed Mylett?

  What do they do? Cause every, here's one thing about the book, guys. There's a practice for everything that they come up with. There's an actual practice. So, I'm not feeling it anymore, what's my practice?

• 46:23Speaker 01

  I don't remember what I wrote in the book.

• 46:25Ed Mylett?

  I'd rather know what you think right now.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, but uh, if you're not feeling it anymore, I think it's important to, uh, before just, you know, reacting to the feeling, asking why, right? Asking, um, was it there before? And if there was something there, then that can be repairable. What has happened? Examining the black box to see, you know, how the plane went down? Not, a lot of people today, "Oh, I'm not feeling it, we're not meant to be, okay, I'm out." Very quickly and it's like, why are you not feeling it and how much of that is on you? Like, what are you doing? So always bringing it back to self, which is the harder thing to do. And the reason why we say stop blaming is because, we don't do that, we point the finger.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  I'm not feeling it anymore because you're not going to the gym. I'm not feeling it anymore because we're not having sex anymore. I'm not feeling, it's always you, you, you, right? What was your contribution to why you're not feeling it anymore? Cause that's where you're gonna get a lot of value, a lot of revelations and, you know, selfishly, that's where you're gonna grow.

• 47:30Ed Mylett?

  It's actually also what you said in the book, so great.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, great. I'm not getting that on, I still got my memory.

• 47:35Ed Mylett?

  It's, uh, I think it's really easy when you're in a relationship to never look at you. You can look at them and us. So the two, the two perspectives, the pattern, is to look at us and them, the other person. So there's two other places to look. You have three choices in a relationship. In real life, I really have two choices, me or the situation. But in a relationship, there's three. There's the other person, I can look at them, I can look at us... Or I can look at me.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Right.

• 48:02Ed Mylett?

  And almost never do we look at me.

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:04Ed Mylett?

  Not knowing that if I could make an adjustment or two with me, it may change us.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:09Ed Mylett?

  And the dynamic.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  Yes, you know, um, as a therapist, I gotta say, you can't change people.

• 48:17Speaker 01

  But you can change the dynamic of the relationship.

• 48:19Ed Mylett?

  Absolutely.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  And that changes people.

• 48:20Ed Mylett?

  Absolutely. One of the most profound things ever said on the show, not just because of personal relationships. That's a business relationship. That's a business negotiation. That's you pitching a screenplay you wrote back in the day and trying to get it bought, right? Like, you can't change people, but you can change the, you can change you and how you interact with them, which actually changes people.

• 48:40Speaker 01

  The dynamic, right, and which does change the person.

• 48:42Ed Mylett?

  1,000%, alright, a couple last things, because your work is so contrarian. It surprised me that you kinda talked about the five love languages. Because I'm like, this dude is the angry therapist. They've written this book with all this new information in there. A lot of the things we've covered today, really, one of the themes in your work is it comes back to self. Loving self, and then so profound what you said earlier, liking self. Oh my gosh, what a huge, huge breakthrough. But you talk about the five love languages that some people may or may not know. And even earlier, you said, kinda one of my languages is like constant reassurance and communication. And your partner's is necessarily not that way, right?

• 49:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're very different, our love languages, yeah.

• 49:21Ed Mylett?

  So, for people that don't know, talk a little bit about what the love languages are, and then your viewpoint on it as it pertains to relationships.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, so the love languages, it's not a clinical thing. It was created by, I believe, Gary Chapman, and, uh, holy [BLEEP]. This book sold like, gang, but I mean, millions, and...

• 49:38Ed Mylett?

  Because it's good.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  It really resonated with people, and the love languages are, um, acts of service, uh, words of affirmation, um, quality time, um, gifts, and then there was, there was one more.

• 49:51Ed Mylett?

  Touch?

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Touch, oh yeah, right, touch, yeah. And so usually we have a couple of love languages, um, but we gravitate toward, you know, some more than others. And so for me, I'm definitely words of affirmation, and I'm touched, right? And so, my partner, she's all about acts of service. And so, I, if I wrote her name in the sky, she would say, how much was that? You know what I'm saying? I'd be like, I just wrote you a [BLEEP] poem in the sky. And she's like, okay, but can we afford it? If I changed her tire or did the dishes, now she's horny.

• 50:22Ed Mylett?

  So good.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  Dude, and so I didn't know that, and so before I saw the contrast, I was like, this ain't gonna work, man. Like, I need you to write me notes, because I'm writing you notes, and I need you to text me, you know, you know, things. And that's not how she maneuvers. So adapting and learning and knowing your partner's love language is huge, because now me knowing that hers is acts of service, little things like not forgetting to bring her a glass of water when we both go to bed and putting it on her nightstand, to her, that's huge. To me, if she didn't do that, it doesn't bother, it doesn't, right? And so her also knowing, so in her calendar, she says, like, write John something, like, as a notification, because that's not how she thinks.

• 51:03Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  And so that's her effort to write me something, and that, that really lands for me. So that's why I think it's important, that's why it's in the book, is I think knowing your partner's love languages, and then doing what you can to stretch, to love her in the way that she wants to be loved. Not, not, it doesn't mean to like over your own, right? But hit the ball back and forth. And I'm telling you, that is how you put the coal in the, that's how you found the flames.

• 51:31Ed Mylett?

  It's literally like speaking a language of love to somebody that you weren't speaking before. It literally is. And by the way, just go review this last minute and a half, guys, and go, what, actually, you may not even know what yours is. Ask yourself, what is yours?

• 51:43Speaker 01

  What is yours?

• 51:44Ed Mylett?

  Right? And then what is theirs? And here's how profound this is. Here's what I think most people make the mistake of. They speak the language that they like to their partner all the time. So like, and by the way, it could be really backwards. So if you're really about touch.

• 51:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 51:58Ed Mylett?

  Right? And this person is not touchy feeling, you're constantly touching it, then they're like, eh, right? Like, this is, you literally could be pushing them away by expressing your language. This is not only true in intimate relationships. It's very true in business.

• 52:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 52:13Ed Mylett?

  So that you're like, man, I gotta have words of affirmation. And so you're constantly feeling someone who that doesn't resonate with. But acts of kindness and service does. And you're just constantly expressing your version of belief, your version of affection, your version of persuasion even, so to speak. And it's a huge mistake people make because they just assume people are like them. The other false assumption is that they're more right than someone else because it's their language. Because we like people like us.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  Like you should, you should love poems.

• 52:43Ed Mylett?

  You should love poems, right? Like, and it's really very, very, very true. So, as is everything we've covered today. Dude, bro, I love you. I think you're so like, I hope everyone looks at the YouTube too, because you don't look visually like a therapist. And I'm not talking about the fact that you're Korean. I'm talking about the fact that you have long hair and tattoos and you're jacked. The first thing when he walked in, I'm like, holy crap, right?

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Yeah. Thank you, I appreciate it. I don't, I have, no one's called me jacked, but I appreciate it.

• 53:07Ed Mylett?

  You are jacked, you're in great shape. And like, I can tell you're a dude who's, I mean, this is the highest compliment I can give another person is you're a work in progress.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  No, for sure.

• 53:17Ed Mylett?

  You know, you don't present yourself as if you've figured all of this stuff out. I think, I say this often in life, but like, if you really want to impress people, try to show them how perfect you are.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:26Ed Mylett?

  But if you want to connect with somebody and really help them, show them your imperfections.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  I mean, that's where, that's scary.

• 53:32Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  You know, but that's all courageous.

• 53:34Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, and by the way, you are a courageous dude and your content is so good, bro. So, thank you for being here today.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  I also want to say, you know, we live in a fatherless nation and I think, and I was telling you this before the podcast, you know, you as another, as another man because of the locker room and because you're also, you know, jacked and, and, and there's a lot of things that men do that is very competitive and are, they're scared to show themselves and even say to another man, hey. I love you, or I think you're great, you know, those kind of compliments. And so I just applaud the work that you're doing. And I, and I think the reason why your platform is so huge is because you come in human.

• 54:13Ed Mylett?

  Thank you.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So that's.

• 54:15Ed Mylett?

  You know what I like? I'm already starting to like you.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 54:18Ed Mylett?

  It's easy to love you. No, I mean it. Like, I'm getting to know you. I like you.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 54:22Ed Mylett?

  I like you, brother.

• 54:23Speaker 01

  Thank you, I appreciate it.

• 54:23Ed Mylett?

  You're super unique. You're unique. There's really only one of you. And like, that's why I wanted you. Like, you, we should just say this last. Actually, I want to say this because there is a viewpoint of therapy in life. Or even relationships. So I hope everyone's still here. Because I want them to hear this. There's actually a part that you talk about where like, people have this perception of what it needs to look like. And I do want to finish on this, so I'm so glad we didn't quite finish. And you say, it's kind of like this guy we see on TV who's a therapist.

• 54:50Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:50Ed Mylett?

  And the show's over. And he walks down and he grabs his wife's hand and they walk off the stage. And you're like, now that's what I want, right?

• 54:57Speaker 01

  Right.

• 54:58Ed Mylett?

  And I think that's no knock on that guy or anything like that. But like, I think we have this prism or perspective. Like, if it's not that way.

• 55:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 55:06Ed Mylett?

  Mine's just not quite as good as theirs. That's the comparison thing. But we have this view of what it should look like. You, you, you don't resemble that world at all to me. You're like your own guy, your partner who you wrote the book with, I've read about her, same thing. But that's true, right? Like, that's not always the picture.

• 55:21Speaker 01

  No, of course not, man. I, I, you know what's more interesting to me is the, the, that couple, um, once they go home.

• 55:29Ed Mylett?

  I know.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  Then what it's like, was it like, you know? Not walking on the stage, holding hands, but when they go home.

• 55:33Ed Mylett?

  Yeah. I'm always a little bit, like, everything that looks good on the surface publicly, I'm always like, man, I kind of like to see a couple fight once in a while. No, I do.

• 55:41Speaker 01

  Right.

• 55:41Ed Mylett?

  I like to see a guy lose it once in a while. Like, hey, man, that's a real person. You know, like, they're, anyway, that's how I feel about it. But I think you're awesome. So, hey, guys, make sure you get the book. Please go get the book. It's Not Me, It's You. That's the title of the book. John Kim, K-I-M. Follow him on social media, The Angry Therapist. Make sure you get The Power of One More, my book as well. And remember, everybody, August 22nd. It's probably already out if you've heard this, but if it's not, on Nozy, my new show, Change. Will change your life. Go to Nozy, get the app, or go online to Nozy and watch my new show. And please share this one today. There ain't another one like it. There's not conversations like the one John and I just had happening anywhere. And I know this one's going to be fire for you. God bless you all. Max out.