Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show My Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe in Marriage About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
- A woman whose boyfriend is unwilling to get married
- A man wondering if he should move in with his girlfriend
- A man grappling with a lack of contentment at his job
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 So I've been with my dude for a little over a year. From the get-go, I knew that he did not believe in marriage. But then time goes on and you kind of catch feelings. Like, I don't want to date somebody for the rest of my life.
0:18 Dr. John Delony? Your feelings are a terrible barometer for what's the next right move.
0:28 Dr. John Delony? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from all over the planet on your mental, emotional health, your relationships, whatever you've got going on. If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com/ask. A-S-K. I'd love to have you on. Pull up a chair and we'll figure out what's going on in your life and what's the next right move. Let's go out to Salt Lake City, one of the favorite places on the planet. Salt Lake City, Utah, and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?
0:57 Speaker 00 What is cooking, Dr. John?
0:59 Dr. John Delony? Not a lot. What's up in your world?
1:02 Speaker 00 So, I kind of feel like I'm at a difficult crossroads in my relationship. And every time I make a decision on which way that I want to go, it always feels like the wrong choice. And so I was hoping to kind of pick your brain and see if you would just walk through this with me.
1:19 Dr. John Delony? Absolutely. Let it rip.
1:21 Speaker 00 Okay, so I've been with my dude for a little over a year. And I, to be fair, from the get-go, I knew that he did not believe in marriage. And at the time, like, I met a new guy. You don't marry everybody that you meet. And so it wasn't a big deal. But then time goes on and you kind of catch feelings. And so then, six months in, we had a pretty intense conversation where I'm like, I do want to get married. And his thoughts and feelings haven't changed on it. But at that point, like, you don't marry somebody you've only known for six months. So we decided, let's just keep dating. We're both where we would be in this relationship, even with our differing beliefs. So now, it's like a year and some change.
2:06 Speaker 00 And I feel like...
2:09 Speaker 00 I'm in a relationship that will never progress. Like, I don't want to date somebody for the rest of my life. Like, I want to have a husband. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to have that relationship. Um, but then we talked about it just over a month ago. And one of the things he brought up, and it kind of just leaves me a little confused on my own position on this, is he's like, you, you say that you love me as much as you do. So why would you choose to not have me in your life at all, instead of just have me in your life in the capacity that I'm willing to be there?
2:47 Dr. John Delony? So what are you gonna do?
2:49 Speaker 00 Freaking, I don't know. Like, I, because I, I lean towards wanting to, I, I don't know. Because even if, when I think about breaking up, it's not like I'm, I want to break up with him so that I can date other people. It's just that I know that it's not going where I want it to go. You know?
3:13 Dr. John Delony? So, I'm interested in this story, okay?
3:17 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
3:20 Dr. John Delony? When in your life, maybe it was six, maybe it was 14, how old are you right now?
3:25 Speaker 00 I'm 39.
3:26 Dr. John Delony? 39, okay.
3:28 Dr. John Delony? When did you learn that your values come second?
3:36 Speaker 00 Hmm. I, I do struggle with people pleasing.
3:41 Dr. John Delony? Like pathologically?
3:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:46 Dr. John Delony? How long? Who is, who's the first person you can remember having to make sure they were, their needs were met, so that you could be okay?
3:56 Speaker 00 Um, I know that I've, like, even as a younger child, I wanted to make sure everybody was okay, right? And I, I have a lot of brothers who are very, very good to me, but be, and I grew up, my dad was a contractor, and so I grew up watching my brothers, you know, use power tools while I swept the floor, because that was all I was allowed to do. Which is funny, because now I'm the one with the power tools, and they are the ones that ask me for help. But I, I did feel like I needed to be strong to kind of have worth and value.
4:32 Dr. John Delony? Right.
4:35 Dr. John Delony? This situation seems just you, you sitting down. I know there's a lot of feelings and I guess what I want to always challenge anybody on, but you're, you're the one, you're the one talking with me right now.
4:47 Dr. John Delony? Your feelings are a terrible barometer for what's the next right move?
4:55 Dr. John Delony? And so it, when you get trapped between, I have this really deep value. It's wired into me. I knew it upfront and I feel like I want to go out with this guy. Awesome. This guy sounds honestly like he's pretty great. He told you the truth upfront. This is who I am. This is how I roll.
5:15 Speaker 00 Right.
5:16 Dr. John Delony? And it was fun to hang out with. You're 39, but you've got different priorities right now, right?
5:21 Speaker 00 Right.
5:22 Dr. John Delony? And the, somewhere along the way, you thought either I can change him or nobody's like, really, really doesn't want to get married. Like, I'll be so great that it will change.
5:35 Dr. John Delony? And you've continued to collapse your greatness in order to fit in this other person's worldview.
5:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:46 Dr. John Delony? And so what I could say is this guy can be awesome, handsome, great, honest, and not want to be a part of a thing that you think is really important. And for some reason, the story that just pulses through your veins is somehow that makes you less than. And he did a great job turning it around on you.
6:11 Dr. John Delony? Making you feel like, oh, it's, maybe it's my values that are wrong.
6:17 Speaker 00 Yeah. I, I know that, um, and I, I hear what you're saying and I agree with you. Um, I didn't necessarily think that I wanted to change him per se, but I did think that, um, and I don't know if I've ever actually admitted it out loud, but I did think that eventually it would just be, we'd go from spending four days a week together to spending all of the days a week together. And then it's like, what are we doing? Like, let's just, this, this is a marriage in everything but name, which it, that is against my, my faith beliefs. Cause I do believe that, that marriage. Should proceed, anything like that.
6:59 Dr. John Delony? Well, and even if you don't believe faith wise, the data, just the secular data says, over time, your relationship will be stronger in a good or great marriage. You'll have more money, you'll have more sex, you'll have better health outcomes. Like, everything gears that way because I've been married 23 years. I've been with the same person for about 28 years. We had a bunch of breakups when we were dating, but... And I can confidently say, we would not still be quote unquote "together" if there weren't seasons where we were both anchored into this thing called marriage.
7:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, and I think, so, some of the things that he... Because he is a very rational person, and I have brought up... So, he speaks into statistics and metrics more than anything else. And I have brought up those particular statistical data. But he usually is like, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 75% of those divorces are initiated by women, right? And marriage makes sense if you're gonna start a family. Like, that's where the marriage relationship should be. But we're old, like, we're not gonna be having kids. I have, I have kids from a previous marriage. And so, it's like, we're not going to start our own family.
8:22 Speaker 00 So, marriage just doesn't make sense. And for me, I, I look at it, and it's like, people who only want to date, want to have a relationship where they have one foot out the door, or at least an escape plan. Right? Like, it, it makes me feel a certain type of way when it's like, why am I not worth the risk of, of binding our lives together?
8:47 Dr. John Delony? And I think, I mean, I think your questions are right. And I would not classify him as rational. I would classify him as an intellectual.
8:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:00 Dr. John Delony? An intellectual can read and come up with any data that fits their predetermined outcome.
9:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:09 Dr. John Delony? On either side, right? On either side of this thing. And he has a point. When you take all marriages in into equation, by the way, that includes second marriages and third marriages.
9:23 Dr. John Delony? A little less than half roll out. That's right. He's right. People are gonna try to do the best they can with the information they have and they get to choose.
9:34 Dr. John Delony? I'm gonna be one of the 50%. I'm gonna try to increase that statistics. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna go all in. Will you go all in?
9:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:42 Dr. John Delony? Or I have blessings that are far and away beyond what's, I'm gonna try to use those blessings to support and love my community because I get to, I get to do that. I can be one of the 1% that's a scumbag and a jerk, whatever, or I can be one of the 1% that is so insanely philanthropic and, um, like you get, here's what I'm trying to say. You get to choose. And he's choosing, I'm out.
10:08 Dr. John Delony? And really, it comes down to you get to choose.
10:13 Speaker 00 Yeah. So one of the things that he says is he's like, I want, he wants to date for at least five years just to, you know, make sure. And for me, like that to me is just untenable because he's like, your youngest kid will be an adult by then. You're gonna have a lot of things that change. Like, let's just date for these five years and then we can decide then.
10:35 Dr. John Delony? Here's the thing, here's the thing, Sarah. This is not, this is not a data conversation. This is a conversation that you know.
10:46 Dr. John Delony? And you're right. Picking an arbitrary number like, again, he's using facts that are real facts to put him on the train for the life he wants to live.
11:02 Speaker 00 Yeah. That's true.
11:05 Dr. John Delony? And what you're telling me is that track leads you away from who you want to be and the life you want to choose in whatever set of, set of cards you were dealt.
11:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
11:17 Dr. John Delony? And, and listen, just because, just because a breakup hurts, doesn't mean it's wrong.
11:24 Dr. John Delony? Just because staying together is really hard, doesn't mean it's wrong. And just because of all the marriages, really young kids in college, all the way to people trying to do the third or fourth marriage, when you extrapolate it all out, a big chunk of them get divorced again, doesn't mean I'm not gonna give, give it a go. It doesn't mean I'm gonna do the best I can because I think 50%, maybe 60%, I haven't looked at the data in the last couple of months, of United States citizens are classified as overweight.
12:08 Dr. John Delony? So, am I not gonna try to eat healthy and try to live as, be a good steward of my body and take care of myself so that when I'm older, I have an amazing life, so that in the present, I have an amazing life? That's more important than cupcakes, or, I'm just making stuff up now, but, more important than laying around watching TV or whatever?
12:33 Dr. John Delony? Half, right? And so, I'm not gonna look at that statistic and say, then I'm, I'm gonna opt out, I'm gonna look at that statistic and say, oh dude, I'm gonna go all in, all in.
12:46 Dr. John Delony? I, I've, I'm gonna make this commitment, go all in, but here's the point, that's not the call you're asking me. The call you're asking me is, I'm married to somebody who's looking at a set of facts and has intellectualized a path that he wants to take his life and live. Great. You have a, a value system that says, I wanna get married, I wanna be anchored into somebody, and I wanna ride or die for the rest of my life. And those two things are incompatible, and it's not about data, it's not about, well, this fact and this fact, it's about you saying, this is the life that I wanna live, this is how I, what I believe, and this is one of my values. And when your values don't align, it's very hard to have a long-term relationship.
13:29 Dr. John Delony? When beliefs are different, all day long, it makes relationships fun and exciting and spicy, but when values aren't aligned, it's very hard to hang in there.
13:40 Dr. John Delony? It sounds to me in my guts like you know what the next move is gonna be. The question I have for you is how long are you going to punt this conversation? Or how long are you going to squash what you deeply value? In order to hang on to something that maybe feel great, maybe feels fun, maybe feels loving, but ultimately you can't fully anchor into. It's your move. Make the choice that allows you to be who you want to be. Thanks for the call, sister.
14:20 Dr. John Delony? We come back, a man asks if he should move in with his girlfriend before getting engaged. This month, Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, is offering two powerful prayer challenges. Starting October 13th, Jonathan Rumi, who plays Jesus in The Chosen, is walking us through the story of all stories. This isn't just a bunch of disconnected Bible verses, it's the whole arc of Scripture told like one big story. It's about real people who laugh, cry, mess up, and keep going, just like we're all trying to do. And then, on October 20th, Hallow is also bringing back Jim Caviezel from The Passion of the Christ for a brand new journey through one of C.S. Lewis's most famous works, The Screwtape Letters.
15:05 Dr. John Delony? It's an honest look at how lives can end up spinning out of control through a thousand tiny distractions. It's eye-opening, and it's so good. This October, join us on Hallow for The Story of All Stories with Jonathan Rumi, starting October 13th, and The Screwtape Letters with Jim Caviezel, starting October 20th. Right now, when you go to hallow.com/deloney, you'll get three months for free. That's hallow.com/deloney for three months for free. All right, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. Whether you're listening to us on podcasts on Spotify or on the Youtubes, it makes a huge difference, gets this show in front of more people, and it's a gift for everybody. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota, and talk to Charlie.
15:50 Dr. John Delony? What up, Charlie?
15:53 Speaker 02 What's up? Good morning, Dr. John.
15:55 Dr. John Delony? Good morning, my brother. How are you?
15:57 Speaker 02 I'm doing great. How are you doing?
15:59 Dr. John Delony? Outstanding, outstanding. What's up?
16:03 Speaker 02 So I'm essentially wondering, um...
16:09 Speaker 02 I don't, it's kind of hard to pronounce, that puts it, puts this in a way that makes sense. My girlfriend asked me if she wants, if we want to move in together. And I'm really struggling with that aspect. And she mentioned in that conversation that she wants to move, be together, living together before engagement. For a while.
16:31 Dr. John Delony? Do you not want to do that?
16:35 Speaker 02 I, I, I really do. I mean, I love her very much. It's just part of me says, whoa, like this is real and it's scary. And financially, and I don't want to put her in a situation because we both own houses before the relationship.
16:54 Dr. John Delony? So are you scared, are you scared of a value situation? Are you scared of a data situation that says couples who move in together are more likely to break up than couples who get married? Um, or are you nervous about commitment? Or maybe a little bit of all three?
17:10 Speaker 02 Maybe a little bit of all three, like part of me says, hey, what if this doesn't work?
17:16 Dr. John Delony? That's every relationship forever. So you're gonna have to get over that one.
17:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:21 Dr. John Delony? You're gonna have to choose, I'm gonna go all in and pray and hope that she goes all in.
17:29 Dr. John Delony? And you're all gonna have to choose to put both feet in the boat. And no matter what, what path that river throws at you, whether it's rapids, whether it's smooth sailing, whatever it is, um, we're gonna stay in the boat.
17:42 Dr. John Delony? Or you're gonna spend your whole life not risking anything and thereby not gaining anything.
17:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, I, I, I see what you're saying. I just, my whole thing is like, I really don't want to put her in a situation financially if we don't work.
18:01 Dr. John Delony? She's not asking you for that.
18:03 Speaker 02 I know she's not.
18:04 Dr. John Delony? You're trying to solve a, here's, here's what I think. You're trying to solve a problem that she's not asking you to solve. But more importantly, you're trying to use her as an excuse to not hold tight to your values.
18:15 Dr. John Delony? Okay. And so I would hang on to my values.
18:20 Dr. John Delony? If you have not been dating long enough and you say, hey, I'm feeling rushed, I want to slow down, then you need to have the courage to say, I want to slow down. If you, like me, don't want to, I didn't want to, I did want to move in, I just want to get over with. We ended up having two places and all that, it was annoying. But I know the data and the data says couples who play house end up with worse outcomes relationally.
18:51 Dr. John Delony? And Like, what do you mean?
18:55 Dr. John Delony? It looks good on paper to say, hey, we've been dating a while, we're getting kind of serious. Let's see what it would be like to move in together. Before we make this big commitment called marriage, let's see what it would be like. Let's see if we are compatible.
19:11 Dr. John Delony? And the outcomes on people who live together, who aren't anchored into this thing,
19:18 Dr. John Delony? this thing called marriage. Their relationship outcomes, their financial outcomes, their health outcomes are less than those who choose a good and great marriage.
19:30 Dr. John Delony? That's just the research data. And if you have a faith commitment, if you have a moral conviction that says, I don't want to move in with somebody. I don't want to like join lives with somebody until we are fully joined.
19:48 Dr. John Delony? Then you need to put that on the table. And if you already start compromising on that, this early in a relationship, I'm telling you right now, when you all have kids, when you want to take a new job and she doesn't want to move, you will start off your relationship long term, knowing that I'm going to capitulate things that are really important to me. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and that's a recipe for relational resentment. And she doesn't deserve that. You don't deserve that.
20:16 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. No, she doesn't.
20:23 Speaker 02 I guess, I mean, I don't, it's hard to say.
20:31 Dr. John Delony? I, I, I a hundred percent think-
20:33 Speaker 02 I don't wanna lose everything. Yeah, part of it is I don't wanna lose everything. I've worked so hard the last couple of years to build and fix.
20:42 Dr. John Delony? Okay, if you're choosing to get married with somebody, you are choosing to take the puzzle that you have built and take it apart so that y'all can build a new puzzle, a new picture together. And if what you've quote unquote "built" is sacred to you, and you're not ready to add somebody to it, she deserves to know that, but you're not there yet. Here's the problem with moving in together with someone you're just a boyfriend or girlfriend with. Yes, you can save money on rent, no question about it. And rent's insanely expensive. And if you're with each other five nights a week, it seems to make sense. The problem
21:25 Dr. John Delony? relationally is, there's always an off-ramp on the highway. Always. And it's too easy to get comfortable and always be looking out your side eye at this off-ramp.
21:41 Speaker 02 Okay.
21:42 Dr. John Delony? When you're married, you gotta figure it out. And those, that figuring it out makes you stronger, makes your relationship stronger, it makes you more confident, it makes y'all more confident, and you have somebody that you are creating something with. That is different than two people sharing bills, sharing rent. That's what you do when you're a sophomore in college.
22:07 Speaker 02 Long past that.
22:08 Dr. John Delony? Right. And so it seems sophisticated, and dude, I get it. It seems on paper sophisticated, and even as, I'd go as far to say is wise. It looks wise to practice something. You test drive a car before you buy it, right? I get that.
22:26 Speaker 02 Yep.
22:27 Dr. John Delony? But long-term, relationally, it doesn't work like that. Because if you have an off-ramp, you can just go sell a car. If it's not the car for you. Or cars are designed to last X number of years, and then you get a new one.
22:43 Dr. John Delony? Marriages says, like, are designed for till death do us part. And our culture has turned them very disposable.
22:55 Speaker 02 Okay.
22:56 Dr. John Delony? And it's-
22:56 Speaker 02 So I need to-
22:58 Dr. John Delony? Sounds to me like you're not ready yet.
23:00 Speaker 02 What you're saying is-
23:04 Dr. John Delony? And let me, let me, hear me say this, brother. It's okay.
23:11 Dr. John Delony? It's okay.
23:14 Dr. John Delony? Let's back all the way out of this conversation. Let's, let's take a new track. What is something else she has asked you to do that you're not super comfortable with that you've just kind of gone along with?
23:26 Speaker 02 Um.
23:31 Speaker 02 I don't, not, nothing really. This is the first big thing she's asked of me.
23:37 Dr. John Delony? Let me, let me throw some things out there. Holiday plans. Has she said things like, well, this is how my family does it, so this is what I want to do? Has she said, ugh, I don't really like that, let's do this? And you're like, well, okay.
23:52 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
23:54 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
23:55 Speaker 02 Like, the family get togethers and her, she has a very large extended family.
24:01 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
24:01 Speaker 02 So in the summertime, they do a lot of family get togethers, family reunions, stuff like that, barbecues. And I've had to, essentially, say no to family, say no to things I want to go do on my side, because she really wants to show, to introduce me to her extended family.
24:24 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
24:24 Speaker 02 And so on.
24:26 Dr. John Delony? Those, those, A, that's normal. B, that's not inherently a bad thing. But C, underneath all of that, I want you to be honest about, do you also have an equal voice at the table?
24:44 Dr. John Delony? And if you don't, I want y'all to address that conversation.
24:53 Speaker 02 Okay.
24:54 Dr. John Delony? Is that fair?
24:56 Speaker 02 Yes, that's more than fair.
24:59 Dr. John Delony? Am I talking crazy? Are you feeling empowered? Are you like, tell me what you're feeling?
25:05 Speaker 02 I'm honestly, I'm feeling scared that if I tell her this, that she's gonna wanna like be done.
25:15 Dr. John Delony? Okay, I need you to hear me say, if there is something that is big, something that is that you have a deep value about,
25:27 Dr. John Delony? and you're scared that by being honest about who you are and what you value and putting it on the table, if the other person's gonna leave,
25:36 Dr. John Delony? then I'm telling you, you're dodging a bullet like the Matrix.
25:41 Dr. John Delony? My wife and I disagree on a ton of stuff.
25:46 Dr. John Delony? Some stuff makes me sad.
25:51 Dr. John Delony? And our marriage, the thing we have built together and we are continuing to take apart and build, and sometimes it falls over and we have to rebuild it. That thing is more important over time. But when I have a big value thing and I need to put on the table,
26:12 Dr. John Delony? after being together so long, my wife can hold it and vice versa, I can hold it.
26:19 Speaker 02 Yep.
26:19 Dr. John Delony? And the threat that one of us is gonna bail is not on the table. We don't have any off ramps anymore.
26:29 Dr. John Delony? And so it's not that you're gonna put something on the table that she doesn't like, that she feels that conflicts with her values. That's just relationships. All relationships are that way.
26:42 Dr. John Delony? Friendships, work relationships, romantic relationships.
26:47 Dr. John Delony? But in your case, you're afraid if you say something important, she's gonna run. She's out.
26:55 Dr. John Delony? And that will happen for the rest of your time together if you don't confront it now.
27:03 Dr. John Delony? You have an established relational safety is the nerd word to say it. Way to say it. You are anxiously attached to this person.
27:15 Speaker 02 Okay.
27:18 Dr. John Delony? Does that ring true?
27:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, it does.
27:27 Dr. John Delony? What I'm looking for in a relationship, especially two people who are thinking about getting very serious, about getting engaged, about getting married, or planning a house, like, "Let's move in together." Can we, before we make any huge decisions like this, can we say things that are important to us? Can we talk about past experiences we've had? Can we talk about heavy things like trauma and talk about great things? Like, "I got a promotion," even though you didn't. Can we say big, heavy things and put them on the table? And can the person that we are practicing safety with, this person that we are committing ourselves to, can they hold that with us? And be disappointed about their situation? And also honor a big value for us?
28:12 Dr. John Delony? And if your fear is, "If I put this on the table, whatever it is, she's gonna bail."
28:20 Dr. John Delony? Let me put it this way. "I want to be with my family every other Christmas." Maybe that's one of your things. And she says, "No, every Christmas, my family, my huge family gets together." That's what we're gonna do.
28:33 Dr. John Delony? And so you have to ask yourself, "Am I gonna just cash out on my family for the next 25 Christmases? Or can we have this hard conversation up front?"
28:42 Dr. John Delony? And if she won't be reasonable about that and say, "You know what? I want to honor him and his family too. That means I'm gonna have to give some and he's gonna have to give some because we're creating a new thing together." Awesome.
28:54 Dr. John Delony? And if she won't, she says, "This is what we're going to do," and you go, "Okay, okay." I'm telling you now, that's a recipe for resentment. Because anytime you speak up, you're gonna feel guilty and you're gonna be clinched that she might leave you. And if she won't leave you, she might punish you with silence or with withholding or whatever. Man.
29:17 Dr. John Delony? So here's tactically what that looks like. You saying, "Hey, I've been thinking, I've been doing some journaling, I've been writing this stuff down. I have a couple of big value conversations I want to put on the table. And I'm being honest with you, I'm afraid you're gonna hear these values of mine, you're gonna hear these feelings of mine, and you're gonna leave." Can we create a space where I can be honest and you'll commit to stay? And hopefully she says yes. And at that point, when we say, "Hey, here's a couple of things I've seen over the last year, the last two years we've been together, that I'm worried about." Because I get an equal voice at this table too.
30:00 Dr. John Delony? And I don't know that I'm ready to move in yet, because I'm not ready for both of us to go all in. We're not married, so I for sure don't want to share expenses, pay off each other's debts, start both cosigning on a mortgage. Because if we're just dating, it's a tangled, crazy-town mess. Untangling that if we do break up. At least if you're married and you get divorced, there's a business transaction. There's a legal precedent for how we unwind all this. When we're just dating and I'll cover this and you pay for that, and can you grab the car payment, and I'll fix the air conditioner, and we're just splitting bills, man, it is
30:41 Dr. John Delony? a nightmare to unwind all that. In my guts, it sounds like you're not ready, but more importantly, it sounds like you don't have permission or space to put that on the table, without fear of her taking off. That's where you gotta start, my brother. Thank you for the call, man. When we come back, a man asks why he's never content in his jobs. Oh, man, this one sounds too close to home. We'll be right back.
31:09 Dr. John Delony? We talk a lot on this show about boundaries, things like emotional boundaries, relational boundaries, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that nobody talks about, and I should talk about it more, and I don't, so I'm doing it right now. Boundaries around your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, is sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have this information. They took it, and it's out there. And let's be honest, this is not just an annoyance. It's a violation. It creates this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives, knowing that every decision we make is being tracked by somebody that we don't even know about. That's why I use Delete Me.
31:54 Dr. John Delony? Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. Delete Me tracks down your information, and they remove it, and every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries are about peace. So go to joindelete.me/deloney and use code DELONY to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me/deloney to save 20% off. All right, let's go out to Georgia, to Savannah, and talk to Dylan. What's up, Dylan?
32:38 Speaker 03 How you doing?
32:40 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing great. You have a sultry voice, Dylan. How's it going? What's up, man?
32:48 Speaker 03 You know, first off, I appreciate you taking my call.
32:51 Dr. John Delony? You got it, dude.
32:52 Speaker 03 When people say they're nervous, I'm like, why would they be nervous? And now I totally get it.
32:56 Dr. John Delony? Ah, you're good, man. You're good. You're good.
33:00 Speaker 03 You know, my question just basically is, why am I never content where I'm at career-wise? And why do I always find myself looking for like the next big thing?
33:07 Dr. John Delony? Dude. Well, pull up a seat, pot. I'm kettle. Let's talk. Let's talk.
33:15 Dr. John Delony? How old are you, man?
33:17 Speaker 03 I am 22 years old.
33:19 Dr. John Delony? 22.
33:22 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about your career journey, or why are you already worried about this?
33:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, so I'm actually a football coach.
33:30 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
33:31 Speaker 03 I coached at a D1 college for a couple of years and then I moved to another state to coach in a much like larger role at like a high school, a historical, really, really good high school.
33:44 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
33:45 Speaker 03 I left that job a couple of months ago to where I'm at in my current role. I'm in a pretty similar role at a different high school in a different state. And, you know, we're just a couple of weeks into the season and I find myself like looking at other programs, like looking at other coaches, just kind of scouting out like potential opportunities for the end of this year. And I want to be able to set roots somewhere like soon. And, you know, quit moving around here, there and everywhere.
34:11 Dr. John Delony? Why did you leave the university?
34:15 Speaker 03 Um, I felt that I was at a really like successful, big time place, but I felt like the role I was in, I was maximizing my abilities. Like I was in a pretty small role at a big place instead of a bigger role at a small place, which was the second job.
34:34 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Why'd you leave the first high school?
34:38 Speaker 03 Um, I, we were very successful. We lost in the state championship, but I felt like me and the head coach kind of didn't have the same alignment views wise.
34:52 Dr. John Delony? What does that mean?
34:54 Speaker 03 He, he was very... I left, and another reason I left college was I wanted a work-life balance. And he was, you know, we were a high school and he was wanting us to work, you know, 10, 12, 14 hours a day, you know, for high school football. And that just, where I was in my life and relationships and stuff like that, that just wasn't working for me.
35:18 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Two big flags are flying here. Can I call them both out? Is that cool?
35:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
35:26 Dr. John Delony? All right. Number one, you have a major problem with authority. Where does that come from?
35:34 Speaker 03 That's a, that's a good, you know, that's a great, I don't, I don't know where it comes from. I'm just being.
35:40 Dr. John Delony? Do you have a good relationship with your old man?
35:43 Speaker 03 Uh, he passed a few years ago, but we had a great relationship when he was, when he was alive.
35:47 Dr. John Delony? What about your mom?
35:49 Speaker 03 Amazing relationship. She's one of my best friends.
35:51 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
35:54 Dr. John Delony? But you don't like being told what to do, huh? I don't either, by the way. Drives me crazy. Makes me, it makes, it like, it sets off something inside of me that is irrational.
36:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, absolutely. I, I relate at a high level.
36:13 Dr. John Delony? So I guess the first thing out of the gate is. Can I, can I tell you something that happened last night?
36:20 Dr. John Delony? Like just last night? Yes, yesterday, I was in Indianapolis, speaking for a couple of hours to a group of police chiefs and fire chiefs about mental health stuff, okay? I got on a plane, caught a flight out, flew home just in time to drive over to the local comedy club here in Nashville.
36:45 Dr. John Delony? And I did 10 minutes on one stage on one side of the club and eight minutes on the other side of the club.
36:51 Dr. John Delony? At the 10 minute mark, a really famous comedian was in there watching my set. And the crowd was really rough. The room was half filled. It's, it was like a showcase night, so they weren't coming to see any one person. The room was half full and it was a grind. And a really famous comedian was sitting in there watching me. He didn't crack a smile once. I then got off the stage and him and I walked around, because we were both on the other stage, and I blew my clock by two and a half minutes, which is a big no-no in that world. And I walked back to the green room and he said, "Hey, how much time did you have?"
37:35 Dr. John Delony? He called me out and we had a, we had a pretty direct conversation about it. And here's the thing.
37:41 Dr. John Delony? I'm, have a very successful day job. And I'm pretty good at public speaking. Somebody just paid me a whole bunch of money to fly to Indianapolis to do that. And then I walked into a room where I'm trying to learn a new craft and I have to submit myself to masters in order to get good at it. You see what I'm saying? And I think I'm good on stage. I'm pretty good at it. I make a good living doing it. And I'm trying to learn a whole new thing. So I have to take it and I have to say, I was wrong. I gotta listen to those who are ahead of me, who are wiser, who are more experienced than me. And I have to submit myself to that, or I gotta quit and quit walking in the door. Yeah.
38:25 Dr. John Delony? And it's a spiritual exercise for me as much as it is a, I wanna get good at standup comedy. Right? And so I tell you that to tell you, I'm in my late 40s. You are at the very beginning of your career. If you see yourself being a great football coach one day, a great coach, a great mentor, a great anything, you have to be willing to say these words inside your chest. I don't know everything and there's a lot I've gotta learn.
38:55 Dr. John Delony? Right. And you have to be willing to submit to, this is the way I do it. This is my program. Yes, sir.
39:05 Dr. John Delony? Or yes, ma'am. This is my school. This is my job. Unless you wanna go out on your own and then you're gonna have to deal with, the government says this is the rules for this job and this is the, like, it's just the nature of our world. It's reality. Right. And I will tell you, I struggle with it, which is why I intentionally put myself in positions where I have to exhale through it because last night I was wrong. My first set wasn't great.
39:34 Dr. John Delony? My second set, I blew the clock. I actually had a great one and I messed up mechanically and I got called out on it and he was right. And I'm grateful for the feedback and the coaching. Right? So I guess challenge number one is you're always gonna have, you're gonna be job hopping everywhere.
39:53 Dr. John Delony? Always looking for the next thing unless you exhale and make peace for I'm on somebody else's train and I'm here to learn as much as I can and plug in as much as I can. For me in my life, I'm gonna tell you, I had to make rules for myself. I will not look at another job application for one calendar year, period. Because like you, I would take a job and within four or five months, I was already scanning the ads for something else. And like you, my wife said, I can't keep doing this. Gotta have some roots somewhere, right? And that's fair. Here's the second thing.
40:38 Dr. John Delony? And I'm gonna get some pushback for this, I don't really care. Your twenties, brother, is not the time for balance. And if you'd rather hang out with your buddies, if you'd rather go do some cool things, coaching is not the job for you.
40:52 Speaker 03 (laughing)
40:55 Dr. John Delony? It's just not. It's a 24/7, 365 job, especially during season.
40:59 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
41:01 Dr. John Delony? It's a busy life. And so you need to ask yourself, have I been prepping for a thing and now I'm 22, I've got a few years of experience doing it? I don't wanna do this thing. Then you have to deal with the identity shift and all that. That's all good. I did it for two years. I was a high school coach at a super 5A high school in Texas. And after two years, I thought, this is awesome and I love the job, but it's not for me. And then I didn't know who I was. So let me ask you, is this job not for you?
41:31 Speaker 03 No, I, it's, ever since, ever since I've been, you know, six, seven years old, it's what I wanted and...
41:40 Dr. John Delony? Okay, but you got it, you got it. And your six-year-old isn't driving anymore. Six-year-olds are not allowed to buy beer because they're six.
41:46 Speaker 03 (laughing) Correct.
41:49 Dr. John Delony? Right? You're 22, you got four years of experience now.
41:54 Dr. John Delony? You should be watching tape right now instead of being on this call. You're in the middle of season, right?
41:59 Speaker 03 Correct, yeah.
42:00 Dr. John Delony? Correct. So, do you want this to be your life?
42:03 Speaker 03 Um, and, yeah, I mean, I do. Um, and-
42:08 Dr. John Delony? It will cost you your twenties.
42:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:12 Dr. John Delony? That's the expense.
42:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:16 Dr. John Delony? It just will. And at the high school level, you gotta coach two sports, and so it's gonna cost you all of your twenties, right?
42:22 Speaker 03 Right.
42:25 Dr. John Delony? And there's something about making peace without saying, "Okay, I'm investing right now. I'm putting a ton of money in the account for 35 and 45-year-old me."
42:36 Speaker 03 Right.
42:38 Dr. John Delony? Does that make sense?
42:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, no doubt. And I guess, you know, when I say like work-life balance, I've accepted that. I think the one thing is trying to juggle, you know, a new marriage and be present when I am home, as opposed to, like, I've never won, I don't care about going out with my friends. I don't care about, you know, this, that, or the other. But like, I wanna be a good husband, a new husband, while being a successful and all-in coach. And I think that's where I'm really, really struggling.
43:08 Dr. John Delony? That's amazing. How long you been married, man? 22, you're young, good for you. How old are you? I mean, how long you been married?
43:15 Speaker 03 Uh, we just passed a month, so about a month and a half.
43:18 Dr. John Delony? Okay, one month in, okay. So y'all got married right before season?
43:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, we had, I mean, we knew, we knew it was the summer or bust, so, yeah.
43:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Just with all due respect, you're way too soon into this thing to be worried about existential stuff, okay?
43:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:36 Dr. John Delony? Y'all got married right before the middle of a season?
43:40 Dr. John Delony? That's a, that's a, hopefully y'all had that conversation. She may be experiencing it differently now that it's reality. You may be experiencing it differently than reality, but this is just the most chaotic time of the year, right? For both of you. And so the question you all have to ask yourselves is, in those pockets, when we do have time together, which for people who are listening, a high school football coach is there at 6:00 a.m., they are home, the practice ends at 5:00 or 6:00, and then they are either on the road scouting other teams, or they're watching film, they're all, I mean, this is 6:00 a.m. to midnight, five or six days a week, right?
44:24 Speaker 03 Correct, absolutely.
44:25 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, not to mention, your students have challenges, you probably have to teach too. What's your classroom assignments?
44:31 Speaker 03 So I'm, uh, I'm actually the ISS proctor.
44:34 Dr. John Delony? Oh, God almighty, dude. So you're dealing with students who are struggling, who don't want to be there, behavioral challenges, all kind of mess, right?
44:41 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
44:43 Dr. John Delony? So you can do a couple of things. You can walk into ISS pissed off that you're there.
44:50 Dr. John Delony? Or you can begin to, think of it this way, I had some buddies that were actors. They were trying to get auditions, they're trying to get auditions, they're trying to get auditions, and they realized when they were waiting tables, they could play a role for every different table. And they turned their six-hour shift into six hours of acting class.
45:11 Dr. John Delony? You can walk into ISS and decide, I am going to learn how to connect with every one of these young people. I'm not going to be successful, but I'm going to try. I'm going to try to have a human connection with every one of these kids. And after this year, you'll be a thousand times better coach, a thousand times better dad, and a thousand times better human.
45:32 Dr. John Delony? You could choose to look at it like that. It's not going to make the day in and day out any easier.
45:38 Dr. John Delony? But there's these moments where you can practice. Or you can do what Mike Leach did and just make notes all the time. When he sees a solid play and be like, I would have called this play. I'm just going to keep a log. And he changed the game of football. You can, when your head coach says, this is what we're going to run, you can say, man, I would have called another play.
45:58 Dr. John Delony? And you can begin to practice what I would I do as a head coach one day. Or you can just sit there pissed off like, I wouldn't have done that. This bull crap. Like, you get what I'm saying? It's all about attitude. But the the hours you're gonna have to work are the hours you're gonna have to work. And the assignments you're gonna have are the assignments you're gonna have. You get to choose whether this is making me stronger and better for the thing I want to be. Or I'm gonna fight this, fight this, fight this, fight this. I'm gonna move, I'm gonna move, I'm gonna move. And you know as well as I do, there are journeyman coach that move every year.
46:29 Dr. John Delony? And they get a reputation.
46:32 Dr. John Delony? And they're, they don't care about the kids. They care about the scoreboard. And more importantly, they care about their reputation and they hop and they hop and they hop. And here's the thing, some of them are successful, but they live and die by a scoreboard.
46:45 Dr. John Delony? And then there's those coaches that their their players would run through a brick wall for. That their communities love. And they have good lives. And really, really busy football seasons.
46:59 Dr. John Delony? And this is every job. This is sales jobs. This is plumbing jobs. This is electricity jobs. This is all jobs have these seasons.
47:08 Dr. John Delony? And you get to decide what attitude I'm gonna bring to it.
47:15 Dr. John Delony? But man, you are one month into a brand new marriage. You're 22 years old. You're on your fourth job already, or third job already. I think you're due for a big exhale.
47:27 Dr. John Delony? You're putting a ton of pressure on yourself. And when you put that pressure on yourself, you blame the the leaders in your life.
47:34 Dr. John Delony? For the pressure. You get what I'm saying?
47:37 Dr. John Delony? No doubt, absolutely. Are you a good coach? I like to think so. Forget the scoreboard. Are you good at connecting with young people?
47:47 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I am. Do you see value in helping young people see purpose and value in their lives that they can't? They can't yet see? Absolutely. Do you find purpose and value in in seeing potential in a kid and walking alongside him and pushing him till he can? Or she can reach potential they never knew possible? A hundred percent. That's awesome. In the same way, let head coaches and principals and other leaders and even young people do the same for you. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm proud of you. Have a good season, man. Double down on influencing young people in the right way. And really find pockets of connection with your wife.
48:31 Dr. John Delony? That might mean put the phones down. That might means like we're getting up at 5 a.m. for date breakfasts, or whatever we gotta do during the season. That might mean I'm gonna not work out as much, so that I have some time for dinner, for whatever. She may have to make dinner and come up to the office, and y'all eat it outside.
48:50 Dr. John Delony? You're gonna find creative ways to stay connected during the next two, or three, or four months. And we're gonna exhale. We're gonna have the holidays together. And we're gonna already be planning for what is it gonna look like on the other side of this season for us to really deepen our connection together? And this is the fun stuff that makes up marriages, challenging, but the good stuff, too. Appreciate the call, brother. We'll be right back.
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50:38 Dr. John Delony? All right, Kelly just fixed her makeup and we have a cool crap that happened. What's up? You look beautiful today.
50:43 Speaker 04 Refresh the lipstick.
50:44 Dr. John Delony? You look beautiful.
50:45 Speaker 04 All right, so this one's a little bit different. So this was from Claire. We read an "I'm by the problem" from her just a couple of months ago. She was the one whose 19-year-old daughter was drinking at her friend's house.
50:56 Dr. John Delony? Ah.
50:57 Speaker 04 And she was wondering, should we tell the parents? Should we tell the other parents of the other kids that are there? Kind of how to handle it.
51:03 Dr. John Delony? And what did I tell her?
51:04 Speaker 04 Um, well, we talked about, yes, you do need to tell the parents because there's a there's a liability issue if something happens and that kind of thing.
51:12 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
51:12 Speaker 04 So she, she said, "I just heard Kelly read my question and I about choked on my own saliva."
51:19 Dr. John Delony? Gross. Claire.
51:23 Dr. John Delony? Claire, gross. Quit dipping.
51:26 Speaker 04 Oh geez. All right. She says, "We've had many more conversations since I originally wrote in and it turns out the parents did know about the underage drinking, which blew my mind. They are of the, quote, 'better in our house than anywhere else' mentality, but never cared to ask our position on the matter. This is my daughter's very best friend. They are joined at the hip. My daughter never made threats about leaving the house or telling anyone else, but she is concerned about the repercussions with the others' families if I bring it up. So they have not yet told the other families or anything like that. I can't protect her forever. I was once 19, too. We agreed to keep the conversation open and she knows at least that she can come to me. So thank you for your advice."
52:10 Dr. John Delony? Claire, you didn't follow my advice.
52:14 Speaker 04 But it comes out that they already knew.
52:17 Dr. John Delony? Oh, the parents?
52:18 Speaker 04 Yeah, because that was our advice, which, yes, you have to tell the other parents because it's happening at their house. They already know.
52:23 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
52:24 Speaker 04 And they're letting it happen. So now it's a whole different discussion.
52:26 Dr. John Delony? It is. And does the daughter live at home?
52:29 Speaker 04 She lives at home, but that was their fear and the other is if they start telling, you know, because she's 19, but if you... Would she move out? Would she leave? Would she not want to talk to him again? And they don't want to ruin her friendship with this girl that she's been best friends with for years. Especially now that they would literally be calling out her parents. So it got, to me, it's stickier now that.
52:49 Dr. John Delony? Oh, see, I don't think it's sticky at all.
52:52 Speaker 04 I do. I think it's stickier. Well, what should she, what should she do is probably not sticky, but there's a lot more, I mean.
53:00 Dr. John Delony? The nineteen year old's nineteen, but as a parent, when you start capitulating on your values to preserve, like, well, I want them to still like me. A parent's job is not to be liked. A parent's job is to keep your kids safe.
53:12 Speaker 04 Hundred percent. I have a teenager at home that probably doesn't like me most of the time.
53:15 Dr. John Delony? Of course, mine too. And if a nineteen year old chooses to live at mommy and daddy's house, then they live by mommy and daddy's rules. And I also get, being nineteen, that's why I didn't live at home. Because I learned to make my own stupid decisions that, whatever. So.
53:38 Speaker 04 I still think there needs to be a conversation with the other, um, parents.
53:41 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
53:42 Speaker 04 Just, if nothing else, it'll give them, I hate to say the word ammunition, but that's not it. But like, hey, you know, why didn't y'all ask us about this? And what makes you think this is a good idea?
53:57 Dr. John Delony? Just deal, having dealt with the other side of this, that whole argument of better my house than anyone else's house. I'm telling you, that is a recipe for disaster.
54:07 Speaker 04 Well, it is because you're liable when, when something happens, because it probably will. And, you know.
54:15 Dr. John Delony? Everything's recorded now. All the photos at your house. You can't even say, I didn't know.
54:20 Speaker 04 And you, you're the one going to jail when it happens.
54:22 Dr. John Delony? Everything is recorded. Your house, your living room, your refrigerators, your alcohol. You smile, like, it's just nonsense. It's just crazy. And you're setting yourself up. The only thing that, the only thing dumber than a nineteen year old is a nineteen year old's been drinking. Just, it is. And you can have all of the, like, well, we got their keys, we got. Nineteen year olds are also geniuses at skirting the rules. That's why they changed the planet.
54:49 Speaker 04 Heck, yeah. Been there, done that.
54:51 Dr. John Delony? Correct. We all have. And so there's something about saying, when you're twenty one, knock, I'll buy your first round. Awesome.
55:00 Dr. John Delony? I can't be a part of it. It's against the law, dude. I think that law is stupid. Cool. It still is. It just is. And it's wise. And when you start saying, "But I want my 18-year-old to like me", versus, "I want to respect my 18-year-old and I want my 18-year-old to respect me, because we're developing a new relationship now", that's just a slippery slope, man. It's a slippery slope.
55:24 Dr. John Delony? But Claire?
55:27 Dr. John Delony? Thanks for preserving your relationship with your kid. I think now it's time to say,
55:33 Dr. John Delony? if you're gonna live here, here's our values and our rules.
55:37 Dr. John Delony? And you have to be willing to sacrifice your kid not liking you for a season,
55:43 Dr. John Delony? so that they can A, still be alive, and B, respect you in the long term. Bye.
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