Caller: “My Husband Is a Selfish Lover”

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband is selfish during intimacy A woman paranoid that her healthy marriage is headed for divorce A wife who feels like she is better than her husband Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  My husband is a very selfish lover. I don't know how to get my sexual needs met and to get him invested in that.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  Most couples settle for the exchange of orgasms and call that a good sex life. That's not a good sex life.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking real calls from real people who go through real challenges in their life. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will send you to a form page thing somewhere on the internet where you'll write out what's going on in your life. It'll go right to Kelly and she will get you on the show. Let's go out to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Destiny. Hey Destiny, what's up?

• 0:58Speaker 00

  Nothing much, just have a question for you.

• 1:02Dr. John Delony?

  All right, bring it on. What's going on?

• 1:05Speaker 00

  So my husband, who I've been married to for about 17 and a half years, is a very selfish lover essentially. And my question is, I don't know how to get my sexual needs met and to get him invested in that for me.

• 1:33Dr. John Delony?

  How long has, how long has he been selfish, to use your word?

• 1:40Speaker 00

  So our entire marriage. And I'm a very generous lover. And so, you know, the first 15 or so years, I, I mean, I like, you know, we've, we've talked about it. We've had those conversations. We've, you know, I've told him about how I feel. So it's not that he doesn't know or isn't aware.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  It's, I just don't know how to get him motivated to be interested. Like anytime that he tries to, I guess, do something for me, it really is with him in mind. For example, he'll buy certain sex toys, say, you know, saying that, you know, I think that you'll really enjoy this, but it's really for him to enjoy.

• 2:36Dr. John Delony?

  So, so

• 2:37Speaker 00

  For example.

• 2:37Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, let me interrupt. So in, I'm interrupting intentionally. After 17 years, there's a track your brain gets on, right? Like when you start telling the story, it's think of it like a train leaving the station and it just goes from here all the way out. So I want to interrupt it along the way a little bit and try to get to some solutions here, if possible. To answer your big question, and I hate to say this, you cannot motivate somebody to not be an ass.

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  If he's an ass, he's an ass. You get what I'm saying? And so if you could honestly look, where this conversation goes sideways is it's what you want gets framed as needs and what you, everything becomes about how you make me feel. And what I want to do is get real tactile, right? Real, and I use the, I use that word wrong. Real, I want to get real specific, let's say that.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 3:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so instead of throwing this word need, need is like you need oxygen, you need food, you need water.

• 3:53Dr. John Delony?

  A more vulnerable thing is here is what I want, right? And

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 4:00Dr. John Delony?

  If the person you've been married to for 17 years, looking across the table at you says, I don't care what you want. I'm not doing that. We're gonna have sex, I'm gonna get off and I'm gonna go to bed. Then by framing it as a want, you have to sit in that grief of, I'm married to an absolute jerk who doesn't care about me.

• 4:24Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 4:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:28Dr. John Delony?

  And I would be really heartbroken. And if you say, hey, I want, I want you to do the following things, or the following things help me reach orgasm, will you do those things? And they say, no, and I won't, I will not do those things.

• 4:46Dr. John Delony?

  Then we can be, tell me about, let's be curious about why you say no. Is it because it's painful? Is it because it's, because this can get weaponized on either side of the, of the row here, right? But like, how clear have you been about, I want you to do these things?

• 5:00Speaker 00

  Well, it's basically, I, for me, it takes a really long time for me to orgasm.

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  And so it takes a lot of focus, and I mean, like a really long time, like a really, really

• 5:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but hold on, hold on.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  And I have to focus and that's just really hard for him to do. He gets tired and it's just, you know, it's not, it's not immediate gratification for him. So therefore it's hard for him to do.

• 5:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's not hard.

• 5:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's not, I mean, it's just not hard. It may be frustrating, it may be annoying, it may be, it's not hard.

• 5:42Dr. John Delony?

  It is, let's back out of sex for a second. Where else is he selfish in your relationship?

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Oh, lots of areas.

• 5:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So this isn't universal. Everybody's experience with sexual gratification, with orgasm, everyone's different, right? Bodies are just different and unique. But a common thread I've heard over the years from talking to countless people is there's almost a direct correlation between emotional connectivity outside of the bedroom and the length of time it takes me to orgasm inside the bedroom.

• 6:22Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, no, no, totally. I've, I've just kind of, I guess, maybe convinced myself that I don't need the, the other emotional connectivity if I could just get the physical focus.

• 6:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but you, you almost have to transport yourself, which is what takes a long time.

• 6:43Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Hmm, yeah.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  Because most couples settle for the exchange of orgasms and call that a good sex life. That's not a good sex life.

• 6:56Dr. John Delony?

  There are seasons when that's the best, I mean, when you got three kids running around and you got like bills, like there is seasons when like, man, we're, we're in this thing together. But over the arc of 17 and a half years, settling for just trading orgasms is, is not what I would wish for anybody.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I just don't see anything, I don't know. I don't know what I can do better.

• 7:29Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know that it's a matter of you doing better as much as it's resting in.

• 7:39Dr. John Delony?

  I'm married to somebody who doesn't care about me emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, like who's just out.

• 7:51Dr. John Delony?

  I, I personally, I don't have a lot of, I don't have a lot of respect for men or women who treat their spouses like that.

• 8:03Dr. John Delony?

  And on the other side, if, often these worlds are co-created and that's a nerd word, a way of saying, if for 15, if I was talking to him on the phone for 15 years or for 17 years, he's like, yeah, I tried to do the laundry early on and I did it wrong. And I've tried to help with the dishes, but I didn't put them in exactly the right place. And so all I got was criticism. And so he's slowly learned over 15 years just to slowly back out of the life because it's your world and he just kind of lives in it.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe not at all. Maybe that's not, not you guys' experience at all.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Um, no, it, it kind of definitely is, and it's not, not more specifically about he does it wrong or anything like that. It's just more, we don't agree on a lot of things. So the, the kind of roles that we've been, that we are in is, you know, like you need to work to make the money and I'll take care of everything else. Because when you try and step into here, it only causes arguments and contention and disaster. So

• 9:18Dr. John Delony?

  Well, tell me about the arguments and

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Well, we just, I mean, we don't agree on a lot of things. We don't agree on parenting styles. We don't agree on finances. We don't agree, you know, just on a lot of things.

• 9:33Dr. John Delony?

  Do y'all agree on where you want to go?

• 9:38Dr. John Delony?

  On what you want this thing called your marriage project to look like?

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Um, so

• 9:49Dr. John Delony?

  Because what usually happens is

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Right now, for me, it's just surviving our kids and then looking at it again after they are out of the house.

• 9:58Dr. John Delony?

  How old are they?

• 10:00Speaker 00

  I have 15 and a half, 14, 11 and a half, and nine and a half.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:11Dr. John Delony?

  It's busy and chaotic, but I wouldn't wish survival on anybody.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Well, the other option is to blink.

• 10:26Dr. John Delony?

  I don't, I don't understand.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  So the other option would be have him completely out of the house, which would be divorce. And that to me is just too, too hard and

• 10:40Dr. John Delony?

  I think

• 10:41Speaker 00

  I don't know, I almost feel like I have to have a justification for it, you know, besides, but he's selfish.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  There's a third option, which is y'all take your, both of y'all clear the deck completely and say, we get to choose what this house feels like.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  I would like that very much, um, but I he's, I don't know, he's kind of at a standpoint, he's, he's done a lot of work on himself because there's been a lot of other issues, you know, he's had anger issues, he's had some other issues that, um, he struggled with, and he's done a lot of work. And so I think he had a point where I'm, I'm done, I'm, I've grown and I, he says that he'd, I don't respect how much he's grown. Um, so

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  Is there any truth to that?

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Um, no, I, I do. I just, it's not enough.

• 11:44Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 11:49Speaker 00

  So I, I believe that my husband has a lot of issues and I don't know if he has the ability to have a different perspective. Um, so for example, like with anger, you know, he was at a point where he would get angry and he would throw things and break them, um, the kids' toys, um, one time a cellphone because the kids were using it and he was mad that they were on it and he took it and threw it, um, and busted it, you know, just it, it was, he never intention, like he would grab a kid's arm and accidentally hurt them.

• 12:31Speaker 00

  Um, and then, so he, you know, I'm like, you've, this is, this no, this can't change or you've got to go. And so he, I mean, this has got to change or you've got to go. And so he's, you know, he's gone to therapy, he's really worked on his anger and he does not yell, he does not throw things, he does not touch the kids, um, in any way. And so, but that any time that we know that he's going to be upset or that he disagrees with something, we're on eggshells, like we worry. And, um, you know, when he does get upset, you can tell in his body language, you can tell in his tone, and he's trying to say

• 13:13Speaker 00

  that he's fine, but we're all like, we can tell that he's not fine. And, and it's just kind of like a trigger response where we know he hasn't had an outburst in a long time, but he could, you know, and he, it's not like he'll go three months without having, um, an outburst of yelling and then something will happen and he'll yell. And it's scary. And so we kind of live in that. And so I, I've told him that, you know, it's like we, we live in that, whether you've, yes, you've grown, yes, you no longer do these

• 13:54Speaker 00

  things. We're, we still, I mean, it's going to take you, you know, a long time for us to just fully trust and feel safe that you're never going to have an outburst because in three to six months, you do. Um,

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  You, listen, Destiny, you can't, you can't live like this. I mean, you can, I can't tell you what to do. But I, I wouldn't recommend living like this to anybody.

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, you're using words like scared and I have to tiptoe in my own house and all four children are waiting for the next thing he's going to smash and punch a hole through or start yelling.

• 14:46Dr. John Delony?

  Like, it's a very unsafe place for y'all to be.

• 14:59Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I one million percent recognize that not a lot, like thinking about even the alternative there is really scary. I get that. But you're living in scary. So it's some weird, I hate to say it like this, but you're having to choose your scary.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. And it's, I think it's a lot because for the most part, you know, it's manageable.

• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

  I know, dude, but I want, I want you to consider, and you, and I know you probably have, and so I'm saying this more for the listener than for you, but also for you. I don't want a life that I have to manage. There's things I have to manage, but I want my home to be my safest place on the planet outside of this crazy world we have going on.

• 16:04Dr. John Delony?

  And if you are counting down the days that you have nine and a half years left before your youngest is gone, so you can finally move on and try to squeeze whatever life you have left in your bones, I don't want you to live like that. And I especially don't want those four kids to live in that.

• 16:23Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want him to live like that.

• 16:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, he, his perspective is that he doesn't see that at all. He, um, has a difficult time, you know, and I, I think our life is better than the life that he had growing up. So this is fine for him, great for him.

• 16:46Dr. John Delony?

  I, I promise you it's not.

• 16:51Dr. John Delony?

  I promise you, he doesn't like coming home and knowing his wife doesn't like him and that his kids are scared of him.

• 17:02Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I promise you, he doesn't like feeling out of control. I've worked with too many men closely, that nobody likes that.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  So how do I help it get better? How do I help?

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  You can't help him. You have to make choices for you. And some adult in their life has to help make choices for those kids.

• 17:27Dr. John Delony?

  But you have to start saying, as for me, here's what's going to be true.

• 17:35Dr. John Delony?

  The only person on the planet you can control right now is you.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:43Dr. John Delony?

  So at the end of the day, I, I

• 17:48Dr. John Delony?

  you're just in a, in a tough situation. Every path you have is challenging, every path you have is hard. And in fact, I'll say every path you have is got varying degrees of unsafety, a lack of safety to, and so it's you truly owning, all right? I get to decide what happens next. And if the decision is I'm going to let this slide, I'm going to let this thing go, I'm not going to worry about this. That's part of being married, right? But when it comes to issues of safety, when it comes to issues of just disrespect and a lack of love, um, I'm worth more than that. I don't want to model that for my kids.

• 18:30Dr. John Delony?

  And this vision of this life I had that I want, I'm trying so hard to hang on to, he's taken it away. And so I've got to own this reality and I've got to own what happens next.

• 18:46Dr. John Delony?

  But instead of getting with some friends and just talking about it and talking about it, I want you to begin to formulate, here's what must be true in my house, and then here's the things that would have to happen to make this true.

• 19:00Dr. John Delony?

  And it's often a lot of really small things. And some men and women just don't want to do it. I don't want to be a part of that.

• 19:15Dr. John Delony?

  But this whole picture is very little to do with sex at this point and a whole lot to do with your body's not safe.

• 19:24Dr. John Delony?

  If you can't have trust and you can't have safety, you don't have a connected relationship, period. That's the prerequisite for a connected relationship. So ask yourself what's, what must be true there.

• 19:36Dr. John Delony?

  I hate that I can't just solve this one for you. This is a tough one. You've got a long road ahead of you. You've got to get some trusted people in your life to walk with you. Thank you for the call. Call anytime.

• 19:47Dr. John Delony?

  We come back, a woman asks why she worries about divorce even though she has an amazing marriage. We'll be right back. I've seen the data. I know that so many of you avoid talking about life insurance because it forces you to imagine things you don't want to think about. So many people don't have life insurance. But here's what you need to remember. Life insurance isn't really for you. It's protection for the people you love. And I recommend term life insurance from Zander Insurance. When a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need is the financial chaos on top of the deep grief. People don't always realize how much they carry for their family every day.

• 20:30Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:13Dr. John Delony?

  Go to xander.com today to get a quote. That's Xander with a Z.com.

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• 22:05Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to Samantha. Hey Samantha, what's up?

• 22:48Speaker 00

  Hey, how are you?

• 22:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right. How about you?

• 22:51Speaker 00

  Good. So I just have a question. Wondering why I worry about the possibility of divorce even though my marriage is amazing and how I can stop the constant worry about that?

• 23:04Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, good question.

• 23:08Dr. John Delony?

  Do you struggle with anxiety just generally?

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:13Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me something you were anxious about before you were anxious about getting divorced.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  Um, I guess that just started when I got married. So even since, you know, I first got married, I've been anxious about not staying married forever and not ending in divorce. So before that, it was just anxiety about everything, school, life, family, the future. I can never remember a time I didn't worry.

• 23:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What did, um, if you, if you were to step back from yourself, I know that's like a weird thing to do, but if you stepped out of your body and got 10 feet behind you and saw you standing in front of you, right? What would worry be doing for you?

• 24:02Dr. John Delony?

  What is it protecting you from?

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Honestly, nothing because I have a really good life.

• 24:12Dr. John Delony?

  Externally?

• 24:13Speaker 00

  You know, I worry about the, the what if, but...

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about growing up.

• 24:20Speaker 00

  Well, I have a lot of trauma growing up.

• 24:23Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 24:24Speaker 00

  I think that's where a lot of it stems from. Um, I have issues with my, um, my real dad. There was a lot of abuse there, um, some neglect. And then, um, I actually was adopted by my stepdad when I was 12. My real dad signed over his rights.

• 24:41Speaker 00

  You know, and I thought that would cure everything, but it, you know, it didn't. And then even growing up, I still with my mom, I was never the chosen one. It was always my sisters.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  And I think that's probably where a lot of it stems from now.

• 24:56Dr. John Delony?

  Probably.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:58Dr. John Delony?

  Probably.

• 24:58Speaker 00

  Is he gonna find something else or, you know?

• 25:03Speaker 00

  But he's never, he's never, ever...

• 25:05Dr. John Delony?

  Let's don't, let's don't put this on him and let's don't even put this on you. Okay, let's reframe the whole thing.

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  The one guy

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  in your life

• 25:19Dr. John Delony?

  who from the day you were born

• 25:24Dr. John Delony?

  is supposed to fight hell on earth for you, left.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:35Dr. John Delony?

  And then this other magical savior came in and did a noble, good thing.

• 25:42Dr. John Delony?

  And didn't, and between him and your bio mom, they didn't leave you, but they left you inside the house. You get what I'm saying?

• 25:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:53Dr. John Delony?

  So what if you were to be really compassionate with yourself?

• 26:00Dr. John Delony?

  And think, huh, my body's working perfectly.

• 26:06Dr. John Delony?

  Because it's run this script multiple times before and it's always...

• 26:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:12Dr. John Delony?

  It's always, it's just trying to keep you safe from yet another devastating heartbreak.

• 26:18Dr. John Delony?

  And I say this all the time on the show, the things that keep us safe as kids will destroy our adult relationships.

• 26:27Dr. John Delony?

  And so the, the work for you is, is not to beat yourself up and be like, why am I worrying about this? This is so perfect and I should have everything. Because then what the weird thing is you create the world that is, it makes it hard, right?

• 26:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:47Dr. John Delony?

  It's a matter of practice.

• 26:50Dr. John Delony?

  And some of that is trauma work and some of that is body work and some of that is maybe an anxiety medication for a season and some of that is just practicing feeling anxious and being grateful for your body instead of fighting the anxiety, being like, oh man, you're trying to keep me safe. I appreciate that. I'm going to go do this. I'm going to go hug him.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  I don't like the idea of physical.

• 27:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right, I understand that.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:24Dr. John Delony?

  And again, that may be the thing that your nervous system needs.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:32Dr. John Delony?

  What about physical intimacy sets your body on fire from the inside out?

• 27:37Speaker 00

  And just all of it, honestly, like the holding hands, hugging sexually, like it just all makes me very uncomfortable.

• 27:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I, I, I really want you to go see a trauma therapist if you haven't.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've, I've done, I've seen a therapist for a long time. I did attempt EMDR with somebody, but I don't think she was very well trained in it. So it didn't go very well. I'm not opposed to doing it again.

• 28:04Dr. John Delony?

  EMDR is one of 50 things. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm telling you, as someone who had a wild childhood on the other end of this, there's peace that you cannot imagine.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that's the best I can offer you is from a guy that was crawling around outside of his house, thinking his house was collapsing

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  to a guy that can barely keep his eyes open past nine o'clock because I'm just tired and I like my life.

• 28:39Dr. John Delony?

  There was a hellacious amount of work in the, in the in-between.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:46Dr. John Delony?

  EMDR, I've heard it's magic for folks. It wasn't really a thing for me, but there was a couple of things that really were.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  But the human body needs touch and when touch gets weaponized with abuse, it disconnects you from yourself, right?

• 29:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, I mean, it's touch, it's like even words too. Like he, you know, that's his love language is words of affirmation. And it like, I just, I struggle with that too. Compliments and telling him how much I care about him. And, you know, I, I struggle with all of that too.

• 29:30Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but the struggle doesn't mean it's not important.

• 29:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, that's, that's what I'm worried about is I don't want my struggles. Excuse me. Um, my struggles to push him away because he, you know, he knows about my entire past and has never, you know, it's never scared him or anything. He's always been there and is there for me no matter what I need, but.

• 29:56Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but it's, but it's hard, right?

• 29:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. I just don't want to push him away is my fear.

• 30:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then reel him in.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So, and here's what I mean by that. When it comes to body safety, there's just some trauma work that people need to do.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  If you're coming from an abusive situation, if you were sexually abused or physically abused, like there, there's some work that needs to be done there. Okay. And sometimes it's 12 sessions. If you get a good trauma therapist, sometimes it takes a year or two. Sometimes there will be little glimmers of it throughout your whole life. And that's just, that's, that's the hand you, of cards you were dealt. Okay.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  When it comes to, I struggle with words of affirmation. I'll push back on you pretty hard on that one. Okay?

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  Put three reminders on your phone, three different alarms, three times during the day.

• 30:54Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  And when the alarm goes off, send him a text about how great he is. That's not hard. That's a thing you can do.

• 31:03Dr. John Delony?

  You can write him a note and leave it on his pillow.

• 31:07Dr. John Delony?

  Or put it in his car, on a sticky note, on his, on his steering wheel before he leaves for work in the morning.

• 31:13Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:14Dr. John Delony?

  Those type of quote unquote struggles, the path is not to continue to work around them. It's to go right freaking through the middle of them.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:23Dr. John Delony?

  And the healing that your body will achieve is this. I feel uncomfortable saying nice things because I used to have to say nice things so I wouldn't get hit.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 31:35Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to practice saying nice things and I'm going to watch his shoulders drop three inches.

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to leave a note in the car and I'm going to look out the window where he can't see me. I'm going to watch him get it and watch him smile ear to ear.

• 31:50Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:52Dr. John Delony?

  And my body's going to know, I, over time, it will learn, I wasn't safe then, but I am safe now.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  Right? The same thing will happen with physical touch, with sexual intimacy with, that's what healing is. I used to not be safe then, but I am safe now. And the only path through that is right through it.

• 32:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:11Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge with doing that sexually is without any kind of trauma healing, that can be real dicey. So I would not recommend just forcing yourself through something like that. That's worth the healing. But when it comes to saying nice things, receiving nice things, being told compliments back, practice feeling anxious and taking it anyway. You get what I'm saying?

• 32:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, I feel like my mind knows like it's okay and I'm safe, but then my body just does a whole nother thing.

• 32:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. And that's trauma. It's the disconnection from yourself. That's anxiety, right? Like, I know this thing and I'm separate from it. I'm going to give you two things. Okay? I'm going to give you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you to read it cover to cover and I want you and your husband to use that as a roadmap.

• 33:06Dr. John Delony?

  The second thing I'm going to send you is a year of the Together app for free. And I want you all to use that together. And it's tiny little activities to do. And when you feel anxious, put your fist in your chest and literally say to yourself quietly or inside your own mind, ah, you're trying to keep me safe again. Thank you for that, but, but this one's good. This guy's good. I'm safe now.

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  And it's just practicing, working through that. And over time, your body learns, ah, man, I got thrown in the trunk of my own car growing up, but now I'm driving. In fact, I love saying kind, wonderful things. It feels good for me and for my, my partner.

• 33:50Dr. John Delony?

  But make a call today and let your words be this. I experienced abuse as a child and I want to go through trauma healing.

• 34:04Dr. John Delony?

  And I've tried EMDR in the past and I'd like to try some different modalities. Great, good, grand, wonderful. Can you help me? Be very specific, not, I want to go talk about it and recycle it all, but I want to experience healing so that

• 34:20Dr. John Delony?

  my home, my marriage, my relationships, if I have kids in the future, those will be my safe, warm haven from the craziness that's the world outside.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, it, when you say like, I'm worried about the possibility of divorce, man, your body is just doing what it knows and that is to protect you.

• 34:43Dr. John Delony?

  Good on it. Good on your body for trying to keep you safe. Now we have to teach it through action, not through more thoughts and not through more words, through action.

• 34:54Dr. John Delony?

  I used to not be safe, but I am safe now. Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with those resources. We come back, a woman asks how to stop thinking she's better than her husband. We'll be right back.

• 35:07Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, it's Deloney for Joy and Blokes, a brand new partner for our show. And I'm super excited to have them on our team. The modern healthcare environment tells us to focus on symptoms, what feels wrong. But staying at the surface and focusing on how you feel never gets to the root of the challenges you're facing. This is why I'm a huge fan of getting your blood tested on a regular basis to find out what's going on inside your body. And I'm a big fan of Joy and Blokes. I've had blood work done by all the major platforms and Joy and Blokes is one of the best. They start with a comprehensive blood test that gives you real data about what's going on in your body, but it doesn't end there. A comprehensive blood panel doesn't mean much unless you're an expert

• 35:50Dr. John Delony?

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• 36:34Dr. John Delony?

  That's J O I and B L O K E S, joyandblokes.com/deloney.

• 36:42Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Boise, Idaho. Let's talk to Jenny. Hey Jenny, what's up?

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Hi, not much. How are you?

• 36:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good. What's going on?

• 36:51Speaker 02

  Good. Um, so my question is, how can I stop thinking I'm better than my husband?

• 36:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yikes.

• 36:58Speaker 02

  Logically, I know that's not true, but I just find myself constantly like criticizing everything he does and like judging him.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Whether it's like interactions with our kids or like him being lazy or thinking he's lazy. And I, it just like dawned on me the other day when one of your, lots of your callers, when you ask them, is your husband a good guy? They answer, oh, he's the best. And I was like, I don't think I would ever say that. And it just made me so sad. And so I want to stop, but I can't like, I like tell myself, don't do it, focus on the good and only last like a couple of days. And then I just find myself back to like judging everything he does. So.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  So judgment protects us. It creates psychological space.

• 37:56Dr. John Delony?

  And so my question is always like, I always want to start from a place of what if my body's right? So if my body's trying to create space from this person, from your husband, is it right to be doing so?

• 38:14Speaker 02

  Um.

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  And if you, if you can't say, yeah, he's a pretty great guy. Tell me about that.

• 38:23Speaker 02

  Um, well, I mean, he's done a couple of things that have like hurt me pretty bad, but those have been long enough ago that I feel like at this point I should be like, like I've forgiven him or I thought I had, but.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  Well, should have and have are two different things.

• 38:46Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you all been together? How long have you all been married?

• 38:49Speaker 02

  Um, almost 25 years.

• 38:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And how has he hurt you in the past?

• 38:56Speaker 02

  Um, he like had a one night, one time affair, I guess you would say. Um, and then he like told me about it a couple of days later. We went to therapy. I thought we had worked through it. And then I don't know how much, that was like 17 years ago. So that's been a long time. Um, and then another time he was traveling for work and he, a coworker who's a woman went to like hug and hug him goodnight. And he like squeezed her butt. And so that was like an issue at work for a little bit with that. So, um, yeah, those are the two things he's done that

• 39:43Speaker 02

  um, have hurt me that I thought I'd forgiven, but maybe I'm still protecting myself. I don't know.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  Can I throw some other options out there and you say, no way, or maybe?

• 39:59Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 40:00Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 40:04Dr. John Delony?

  If those are the two things you know about, is there a possibility that there's other things that you don't know about?

• 40:10Speaker 02

  Um, I would say that's pretty small, but I couldn't say like 100%.

• 40:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Where are, so those two things over, over a quarter century together, he's done those two things. Let's say that 17 years ago, he made a huge mistake. He slept with somebody, came to you right afterwards and said, I've blown up everything. Do you want to rebuild? And you said, yes.

• 40:37Dr. John Delony?

  And then years later, he hugged a coworker and grabbed her butt, caused HR issues, caused, it, it, it's a weird thing to say it like this, but caused safety issues. He could have lost his job, could have been a big deal, right?

• 40:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, for sure.

• 40:50Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and plus, who's, who wants to be with that guy, right? Like it, it, it's one of those things that like, I don't respect the guy who does that.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Great.

• 41:01Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 41:05Dr. John Delony?

  Where else are y'all, are y'all not aligned? Where else do you think I'm doing this right and he's doing this wrong?

• 41:14Speaker 02

  Um, I guess, I don't, I think probably the only thing I could really think of is like parenting, but I think that's more like a male female thing. Like I think like sometimes he's just too hard on our kids.

• 41:33Dr. John Delony?

  Hard like?

• 41:36Speaker 02

  Like mean to them or like expecting too much of them or like he takes his joking too far, but I think that's, I'm just being more sensitive.

• 41:48Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, maybe you're being too sensitive or maybe you're being protective. That's not a gendered thing. That's not a male or female thing.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:57Dr. John Delony?

  As much as, it doesn't sound like y'all are on the same page.

• 42:03Dr. John Delony?

  And my wife and I, my wife and I have a pretty great marriage and we disagree on

• 42:10Dr. John Delony?

  any number of things, but we disagree together, if that makes sense.

• 42:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  Or she disagrees with me, but she understands the spirit with which I'm doing those things. Does that make sense?

• 42:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:24Dr. John Delony?

  She might think, oh, that joke was too far, but she also knows he's trying to connect with the kids. He's trying to be silly, not, I, I, I, let me say it this way, not always, but most of the time, my wife gives me the most generous interpretation.

• 42:41Dr. John Delony?

  And my question to you is, is there not a generous interpretation to be had here?

• 42:49Dr. John Delony?

  Or do you need to do some pretty serious soul searching and say, I agreed 17 years ago to stay with this guy and build a new marriage.

• 42:57Dr. John Delony?

  The work that needs to be done here is he's actually a pretty decent guy. I have to, I've got to write that woman 17 years ago, me, a letter and let, let her off the hook. I've got to start taking small actions. So let me ask you this, when's the last time you made him a cup of coffee?

• 43:19Speaker 02

  Uh, I don't, I couldn't tell you.

• 43:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  Often these feelings of contemptment are, I mean, contempt and criticizing are often met with, or they're, they're changed, not through trying to think your way out of them, but through, I'm going to do different things.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  For the next six weeks, I'm going to wake up a few minutes before him and I'm going to make coffee just like he likes it.

• 43:58Dr. John Delony?

  When we get up in the morning, I'm going to give him a long 30 second hug before anybody does anything.

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to leave him a note in his car.

• 44:07Dr. John Delony?

  These, these, these little, the, the Gottmans call them bids, they're small little actions towards him, not every morning you wake up, you stretch and you climb up in your lifeguard stand and you look down upon him

• 44:22Dr. John Delony?

  from a, a seat of superiority.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's definitely what I feel like I'm doing.

• 44:31Dr. John Delony?

  But it's protective.

• 44:35Dr. John Delony?

  Curiosity is, brings you together. Judgment separates you and judgment keeps you safe, right? If I can, if I can, that's what politicians do. They demonize another side to give you permission to think and act and feel however you want on your side.

• 44:54Dr. John Delony?

  Judgment's just protective. That's stupid. That's dumb. I can't believe you're doing that. Or you see an action and the story you choose to make up about that action is always going to be a negative story instead of a positive one.

• 45:07Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So like you walk in and his shoes are right by the door and y'all have had that conversation a million times. You get to make up the story that comes after you see those shoes. He's lazy, what a bum. He expects me just to pick him up. Or man, he knows I hate this. His day must've sucked. I'm going to do something extra nice for him. I'm going to grab those shoes and do one nice thing.

• 45:33Dr. John Delony?

  Our, our attitudes when it comes to judgment are almost always changed through action, not through just trying to think harder about something.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  Okay. That makes sense.

• 45:45Dr. John Delony?

  But I can't tell, you're, you're pretty good at, I, I'm usually pretty good at, trying to capture the spirit behind a question. I can't tell if you're upset with him or if you're upset with yourself.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  I would say it's me. Like I know he's a good guy. I know he's done dumb things in the past, but I do think he has changed.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  And, um, like we've talked about those things and he's, yeah. Like somewhat regularly.

• 46:23Speaker 02

  So yeah, I think I might just be holding on to thinking. I don't know.

• 46:29Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm going to send you the together app too. And this isn't a sales pitch. It's literally a thing you can do every day towards him.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  And my challenge even beyond using the app is come up with six weeks worth of, I'm going to do one thing a day for that guy.

• 46:51Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:52Dr. John Delony?

  And in so doing, here's a question you have to ask yourself. Are you becoming the person you want to be inside your own skin?

• 47:07Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, I would say probably not.

• 47:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Do you judge other people too?

• 47:14Speaker 02

  No, that's what's so weird. Like I feel like I'm actually not a judgmental person and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt except him.

• 47:27Dr. John Delony?

  Have you ever told him you're sorry?

• 47:32Speaker 02

  Or anything?

• 47:34Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, just for being so critical.

• 47:37Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 47:39Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe start that tonight.

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  What would you lose by celebrating him?

• 47:57Speaker 02

  That's a good question.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  I don't know why it sounds so scary to do.

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 48:08Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  I don't know if I could put into words, but it just does sound terrifying because I feel like I would be admitting that I'm not like as good as I profess to be, maybe.

• 48:26Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know that it's a matter of good or wrong, good or bad.

• 48:34Dr. John Delony?

  But it might be rooting out some parts of yourself that I want to, I want to let go of, I want to be open-handed about.

• 48:41Dr. John Delony?

  And for five million reasons, past and present, this guy has become my whipping boy for every insecurity I have, every frustration I have, every, everything I have.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm going to at least do my best to become the best version of myself, which means I am going to treat my ride or die spouse better than anyone else in the world.

• 49:16Dr. John Delony?

  And it, it might mean y'all swipe the deck and rebuild a new marriage starting today.

• 49:24Dr. John Delony?

  You asking him, what are five or 10 ways I can love you on a regular basis?

• 49:36Dr. John Delony?

  And then I'm just going to make a commitment to do those things. And by the way, here's five or 10 ways you could love me on a regular basis.

• 49:45Dr. John Delony?

  And see if he'll make that same commitment.

• 49:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think he would.

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  So if, if I ask you honestly, is he a good man? Is he or no?

• 49:59Speaker 02

  Yes, he is. He really is.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So now you're one of those women that's calling into my show saying they're married to actually a pretty good guy.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  Why don't you, why, why, why do you, you judge those women too? Why?

• 50:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, I really, I, I don't know.

• 50:45Dr. John Delony?

  I would call out with him that I sit in a judgment seat over you and I'm going to make a commitment to climb down off that seat and there's going to be days that I, without even, it's so automated at this point, I'm going to climb up and I'm going to ask you to let me, hey, can I say that over again? Or the moment of thought pops in your head, he's so lazy, I can't believe that you catch yourself and you literally say out loud, nope, not true, he's a good guy, he's exhausted. And has he hurt you? Yeah, real, real bad. He slept with somebody else, of course that was painful. He almost got himself fired by being a disrespectful goon at the office.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  And also, it sounds like he's made some pretty amazing changes. It's going to be you through action, climbing down off the lifeguard stand of judgment and just saying, I'm getting the pool too. We get to create what we want this house to feel like and I don't like be feeling like I'm a judgmental person. But judgment protects us and so always ask yourself, what am I trying to protect myself from? Is he getting hurt again? If so, and it was 17 years ago and we're on the same team, challenge yourself to get both feet in the boat again. And the only way to do that is through action. I believe in you.

• 52:11Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, we'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney. Listen, no matter what you do, your personal information is everywhere in this digital world we live in. You have to supply your info anytime you buy something online, your home address, your phone number, your email address, you might as well upload your passport and your social security card, even if you just go onto a local store, they want all of your personal information too and all you want is some pencils, right? That's why I use and recommend Delete Me, because almost nobody thinks about what's being done with your information after you give it to everyone who's asking for it. There are hundreds of data broker websites collecting, posting and selling your personal

• 52:56Dr. John Delony?

  information without your permission and most of us don't even know what's going on. Delete Me finds your personal information on these data broker websites and their privacy experts get it removed for you, making you less vulnerable to personalized scams and spam. Delete Me keeps monitoring and removing your information throughout the year and they send you reports showing you exactly what they found and removed. They've saved me hundreds and hundreds of hours so far. I wouldn't even have known where to start looking for all this information. Delete Me's got you. Giving your information away sometimes is unavoidable, but Delete Me helps you take back your privacy and control. Go to joindelete.me/deloney and get 20% off an annual plan.

• 53:41Dr. John Delony?

  That's joindelete.me/deloney. All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds, subscribe, like, share, all the internet-y stuff. All right, Kelly, what you got?

• 53:52Speaker 03

  All right, so we got an email from a guy that was on the show a couple of years ago and his call was about, he was divorced and he was dating his kid's best friend's mother. So I don't know if that rings any bells.

• 54:08Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't, but that sounds like this show.

• 54:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, and so his question-

• 54:12Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, it does, it does. How do I tell my kids?

• 54:14Speaker 03

  Yes, yes.

• 54:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:16Speaker 03

  So that was his question, was how do we tell the kids that we're dating each other without making it like, super, super weird? So, two years later, and I got a follow-up that I think is worth reading. He writes, he says, "Hi, Dr. John and team. Two years ago, I called into the show to work through my anxiety, telling my children that I was dating their best friend's mom. Turns out, they already pretty much knew. They are too smart for their own good. Fast forward to now and we are getting married."

• 54:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 54:44Speaker 03

  "The kids have integrated with each other better than we could have ever imagined and none of us could imagine not having everyone together as a family. My love for my fiance and my future stepdaughter has only increased these past years and I'm so excited for what the future holds for us as a family. And for those that are watching, I'm posting a picture of their engagement."

• 55:03Dr. John Delony?

  Nice, dude, congratulations, guys. Good for them. That's awesome, I'm glad that worked out really well. And they must have handled that really well because if the kids are all integrated and that's, that's perfect, awesome. That makes me happy, Kelly. We needed a happy [BLEEP]. We needed a win today, Kelly, so thanks for sharing that one with me. Why are you looking down?

• 55:28Speaker 03

  No reason, just in the show.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  If y'all ever knew what Kelly edits out of the show. Love you guys, bye.