Caller: “I Still Pay My Ex-Girlfriend’s Bills”

📋 Weekly Rundown (your weekly marriage check-in): https://ramsey.solutions/ilucokcx On today’s episode, we hear about: A man wondering if it’s time to cut his ex-girlfriend off financially A son who feels stuck after discovering his mom’s affair A stepdad struggling to accept the parenting boundaries his wife set Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  How do I make a firm decision whether I continue to support my ex-girlfriend or walk away? Not really together, but we're still in communication pretty often and

• 0:23Dr. John Delony?

  Is she seeing other people?

• 0:24Speaker 01

  I don't know. Probably if I'm being honest.

• 0:26Dr. John Delony?

  How are you still intertwined with her?

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Emotionally and financially to an extent.

• 0:31Dr. John Delony?

  You're still supporting her?

• 0:32Speaker 01

  A little bit, yeah.

• 0:33Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 0:39Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls, real people going through real challenges, walking through what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you on. Click the link in the show notes wherever you're watching or listening to the show and it will go to Kelly, our overlord, and she will get you on the show. Let's go to Los Angeles, California and talk to Alan. Hey Alan, what's up, man?

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you today?

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. What's going on?

• 1:13Speaker 01

  So the question was, how do I make a firm decision whether I continue to support my ex-girlfriend or walk away?

• 1:20Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 1:21Speaker 01

  Uh, 26.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  26, okay. So tell me about this relationship, man.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, so we met in end of 2022. We were together for just about four years or so. The first, you know, two years were pretty good. Everything was, uh, was pretty smooth sailing. But, uh, in 2024, which kind of led to this kind of question itself was, um, she came from a single parent home and in May of 2024, unfortunately, her mother, uh, was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage four cancer. It was a surprise diagnosis and, uh, unfortunately about just under four months later, she passed.

• 2:02Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my gosh, dude.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, so, uh, a lot happened after that, which led to us kind of having a long distance relationship as she had to go live with some family and eventually in 2025, we ended up separating. And, uh, so, you know, post separation, we kind of go back in contact a couple of months later through her and, uh, it's been a little bit of a roller coaster ever since then and just kind of put me in a really hard position as we're not really together, but we're still, you know, in communication pretty often and I'm still helping her out, but it's kind of putting me in a kind of a weird situation of what to do with myself, if that makes sense.

• 2:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, how old is she?

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Uh, she's, uh, 29.

• 2:44Dr. John Delony?

  29, okay.

• 2:48Dr. John Delony?

  So

• 2:53Dr. John Delony?

  how can I help?

• 2:56Speaker 01

  Well,

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  I can't figure out the question beneath the question. And here's, here's what's going on in my head and then point out where I'm wrong.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  There was a time I took a job in another city after dating a woman for

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  off and on for four years. And right when she graduated, she packed up her bags, not knowing anybody and moved eight hours away to come be with me.

• 3:26Dr. John Delony?

  And there's been other times and I ended up marrying her and yesterday we celebrated 24 years together. There's also been times when I have moved long distances to be with, with her and vice versa. And so I guess if it's just a matter of geography, my question to you would be, why haven't you, you're 26, man. Why haven't you just packed up and as the great Will Hunting once said, go see about a girl? Or she's 29 years old, like losing a, a, your last remaining parent, losing any parent is devastating, right? And also she's almost 30 and that doesn't mean the grief isn't going to be any less. That doesn't mean that anything's going to be easy, but there is a

• 4:10Dr. John Delony?

  after, gosh, I've been together for a long time now, or y'all have been in contact and relationship for a long time. At some point we say, hey, you're going to be my person and I'll figure out the rest later. So what's, what's that? Those are things going through my head, so I can't really get to the bottom of your question. Does she not want to get back together with you?

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, so I get, I'm sorry. The, the, the main issue isn't myself. I have no problem. I, I wanted to move with her, but the problem is, like I said, post passing away of the, of her mother and then, you know, post any relationship and just being in contact, she doesn't really know what she wants to do with her life in general, if that makes sense, like

• 4:52Dr. John Delony?

  Is she seeing other people?

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Um, I don't know. Probably if I'm being honest, I don't know. She doesn't really share much of her personal life with me as much as I do with her.

• 5:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so the, the abrupt, uh,

• 5:09Dr. John Delony?

  kind of call it like it is part of, of me is wanting to say, dude, she walked away from you.

• 5:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so like you calling and saying like, should I walk away? Should I, what should I do? Like, it sounds like it's already been done. Am I wrong?

• 5:25Speaker 01

  No, you're not wrong. I think the biggest issue I'm having with myself is kind of just learning to kind of create those boundaries where I'm not so emotionally involved with, with just how she is or helping her out because she isn't really, what's the word? I don't want to be disrespectful, but like not really doing anything with herself or life.

• 5:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but if, if she, if she broke up with you or you broke up with her and she's telling you, I don't want to get back together with you and yeah, what she's, what she's telling you either in word or in action or sounds like both, I don't want you a part of this next chapter of my life. It's hard, I mean, it's, it's one of the most brutal things a person can go through besides acute loss, like I lost somebody I care about, somebody passed away. One of the worst things that people can go through is watching somebody you care about

• 6:18Dr. John Delony?

  make choices that look from our vantage point like they're not serving them well. And they don't want or care or need our input.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  It's heartbreaking.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, uh, it's been difficult to say the least.

• 6:38Dr. John Delony?

  How are you still intertwined with her?

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Um, I guess both emotionally and financially to an extent, if that makes sense.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  You're still supporting her?

• 6:52Speaker 01

  A little bit, yeah.

• 6:53Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Um, well, just with some things that she needs to like some bills and stuff she's asked in the past and it's a little hard time saying no sometimes.

• 7:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, bro, you have to cut everything off.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  I've been trying.

• 7:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, as, as the great Yoda once said, there is, there's do or do not, there's no try.

• 7:19Dr. John Delony?

  Like you

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  stop paying her bills.

• 7:27Dr. John Delony?

  Because now, now you're just this constant, ah, man. Yeah, you're in a tough spot, brother. Here's the thing, let's reframe the whole question. Let's stop thinking about her for a second, okay?

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 7:39Dr. John Delony?

  At 26 years old, if you look at the totality of your life and the actions you're taking right now, are you proactively becoming the man you want to be?

• 7:53Speaker 01

  No.

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So let's stop looking or outsourcing our value, our worth, or what do I do next based on this other person who lives a long way from us, who broke up with us?

• 8:09Dr. John Delony?

  And is clearly going through something, going through a whole bunch of things.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:14Dr. John Delony?

  Let's look in the mirror and say, what must be true? What kind of man do I want to become?

• 8:20Dr. John Delony?

  Can I keep my promises to myself?

• 8:24Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Cause that's all you can control. You can't control whether she calls you and asks you for money. She can't control whether you text her every day and she doesn't respond, but once a week, you can't control if she's hooking up with other guys. You can't control any of that. You can control you and how you treat yourself with dignity and respect moving forward. And part of that is, I'm not going to pay the bills of somebody who in every other way clearly lets me know they don't want anything to do with me.

• 8:58Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm not going to be at 26 years old, be a surrogate financial supporter.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, that's a good way to put it. I appreciate that.

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  And so my question for you is, who do you want to be, man? What kind of man do you want to become?

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Uh, I guess just thinking about it right now, what you said, just having some a little bit more self-respect and boundaries.

• 9:25Dr. John Delony?

  Not a little bit, a ton.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  A ton more, yeah.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  A ton more. Here's, let me just cut it, cut to the chase, brother. I have a 16-year-old and a 10-year-old.

• 9:38Dr. John Delony?

  I need you and every other 26-year-old male listening to this show

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  to become sturdy, stable men who dedicate their lives to giving more than they take, who dedicate their lives to serving themselves so that those around them can anchor into them and they can spend the rest of their lives serving everybody else. That means taking care of your finances, that means taking care of your fitness, that means keeping your promises to yourself, that means having a bunch of guys that you regularly hang out with

• 10:14Dr. John Delony?

  and you practicing saying the words no, especially to somebody who is

• 10:20Dr. John Delony?

  for all matter of purposes predatory, who's using you and your kindness and your sensitivity. Don't ever lose your kindness and sensitivity. We need more men with kindness and sensitivity, but kindness and sensitivity

• 10:37Dr. John Delony?

  has to be anchored. Otherwise, it becomes passivity and, and doormat.

• 10:46Dr. John Delony?

  You become a doormat, right?

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:50Dr. John Delony?

  Or in a weird way, you use, it's this co-parasitic relationship where she doesn't talk to you, doesn't talk to you, does whatever she wants, gets herself in a bind, calls you and it's like, hey, remember, hey, can I, and she's using you. And you feel aimless and kind of spun out and still heartbroken. This is your first great love of your life. And you give her money that you may or may not have. And in the, in the process, you outsource your dignity or respect. And you're using her to make yourself feel a little bit better.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so let's, both people stop using each other. You can't control what she does, but you can sure control you.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:38Dr. John Delony?

  And it may be just metabolizing, this relationship is over. And that is heartbreaking.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Honey, start doing that too.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 11:55Dr. John Delony?

  Do it from a place of self-worth, because I'm worth it. Not from a place of, oh, there's 50 other things I need to do because I suck. You get the difference?

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I get the difference, yeah.

• 12:07Dr. John Delony?

  And can also I just tell you, man, getting your heart broken, it's the worst, man. And nobody is their best self when they get their heart broken. You went all in on this deal.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:21Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry that happened, my friend. And dude, I'm really grateful that you reached out and

• 12:28Dr. John Delony?

  here, here's a couple of action steps for you. I want you to spend some time by yourself. Block her number for a week, two weeks, 30 days. I mean, you've been in a relationship with her off and on for six years, so maybe let her know. But I want you to spend some time by yourself with a pen and a paper, not a, not a notes app. And not with an AI bot, but I want you to spend some time with a pen and a paper writing down, what do you value? What, here's the man I want to be. And come up with four or five, I want to be a man who, four or five identities.

• 13:08Dr. John Delony?

  And then begin to just fill in action steps. I want to be a man who can take care of himself. Okay, cool. What's my financial situation? I want to be a man that people can count on physically. All right. Have I been to the gym ever? I want to be a man who's got dignity and self-respect. All right, cool. Then I'm going to start serving the least of these in my community once a week and I'm going to start over tipping whenever I go out with my friends. And three, I'm going to have a group of friends that I meet with regularly, in person, not online. And we're going to start figuring out how to do life together. And it's just these action steps, man. You are worth taking action for. Sorry that this girl broke your heart. Sorry this thing just fell apart.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  The question you have to ask yourself is, what are you going to do next? And my hope in this season is that you choose you. We come back, a man asks how he should handle discovering his mom is having an affair. Oh, boy. We'll be right back.

• 14:08Dr. John Delony?

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• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:22Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:04Dr. John Delony?

  All right, take two or three seconds and hit all the subscribe and like and share buttons to help out the show, help out your neighbors, help out everybody out there struggling and looking for the next right move. Let's go out to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to Trevor. What's up, T? How we doing, Trevor?

• 17:20Speaker 02

  Oh, I wish I was talking to you out hunting or something like that, but this seems to be the situation that we're in.

• 17:26Dr. John Delony?

  I wish I was out there too. That'd be awesome. We'll figure that out one day. What's up?

• 17:32Speaker 02

  Um, well, I was calling about a family situation. Next month, my parents will be celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary and my dad booked a family trip, not your typical thing to do for your anniversary, but booked a whole family trip. So me and my four siblings and then all of the grandkids, he was going to take us out there on a family cruise. And a couple of weeks ago, I was helping my parents hook up the thermostat and stuff like that. And my mom gave me her phone to hook up the thermostat and I discovered that she was having an affair.

• 18:16Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, no.

• 18:19Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. Dude, I'm sorry you saw that. I'm sorry that's happening. I'm sorry, all of it.

• 18:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:27Dr. John Delony?

  So what happened right after that? Did you do anything? Did you say anything?

• 18:31Speaker 02

  Nope. Nope. Haven't told anyone. Haven't even told my wife, haven't told anyone. So I'm just trying to seek counsel on, on where, where I would go first, whether it be pastor or siblings or my wife and I live right next door to them. And so we're a lot closer.

• 18:51Dr. John Delony?

  To your parents?

• 18:53Speaker 02

  Yes, yep.

• 18:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, um.

• 19:00Dr. John Delony?

  Man, there's so many avenues here. First and foremost, before the day's over, I would tell your wife.

• 19:07Dr. John Delony?

  That secret's gonna eat you alive from the inside of your chest, inside your own home, inside this secret world that you and your wife have called being married.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 19:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And the devastating part about that for your wife is she can tell something's bothering you and she's probably attuned and is gonna blame herself and try to solve something.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  Well, my wife, she, I think she has her own suspicions about my mom's affair.

• 19:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  And so we've both had this feeling in the back of our minds. And then this was the very first like, oh, this is actually happening. And we can probably say that it's been going on longer than would it act than what we think it may have actually, because she's always been protective of her phone and hiding it for the last couple of years.

• 19:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, I'm gonna lay out a couple of scenarios for you, but I want to give you a couple of 30,000 foot weather balloons that I want you to keep in the air at all times. Let's call them satellites out in space. Okay. Satellite number one, I want you to look at your wife and say, whatever's going on next door in my parents' house, we will not let into our marriage.

• 20:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So make that commitment to yourself and make that commitment out loud to your wife. Look in her in the eyes, holding her hands if you can. Okay. Because y'all are up for a rocky road. Okay. So that's number one. Number two satellite, and this is gonna sound nuts. You never, even if it's your parents, even if you're in the house and it's down the hall, you never know what's going on behind closed doors. And here's what I mean. Your dad may have had his suspicions for years too.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  I would imagine so.

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  Your dad may quasi know about it and have chosen to look the other way.

• 21:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or your dad may be so unaware that, who knows? Your mom may have had affairs in the past, your dad may have had affairs in the past that they worked through on their own that you and your siblings know nothing about. So it's just holding it up. And here, here's the important part. It's less about what you want them to do. It's about who you're gonna be. And so who you are gonna be is a guy who doesn't make up stories, but who just decides here's what me and my wife are gonna do next. You get what I'm saying?

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 21:40Dr. John Delony?

  And that leads me to the third thing. The only person you can control in this situation is you.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 21:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so my question for you is, um, you have a pastor, so it sounds like you're a person of faith?

• 21:55Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so if your faith is in any sort of proximity to mine, rule number one is if I have a problem with somebody, I'm going directly to that person.

• 22:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 22:09Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 22:11Speaker 02

  I'm not the best at confrontation. So that's where

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  So write it down. Write it down.

• 22:16Speaker 02

  My siblings. Go ahead.

• 22:17Dr. John Delony?

  Write it down and read it to her.

• 22:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 22:21Dr. John Delony?

  I would write it down and tell and sit out on my mom's front porch. I would take my mom to coffee. I would whatever. Um, and here's what's important about these conversations. It's not a matter of asking. It's not a matter of, so are you going to? It's a matter of you saying, here's what I saw. Here's what I now know. Here's what my suspicions have been for a long time. And here's the important part. Here's what I'm going to do next.

• 22:52Dr. John Delony?

  So for instance, I'm gonna give you 48 hours to tell dad. And then I'm going to tell my father. Because I'm not allowing what you have done in your extramarital relationship to impact my relationship with my dad.

• 23:10Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Yep. Yep.

• 23:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so instead of, are you gonna tell him? What do you mean? You're not gonna like, you're, you're, you're taking your agency and handing it across the table to a person who it appears from the outset, from what you found, lacks integrity. So I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna outsource my values to somebody like that.

• 23:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so whenever I, in contrary to popular belief, I, sometimes I'm real, real good at it. And sometimes I'm not good at these type of confrontations. I've often written things down and I'll tell the person, I don't want to stumble through my words. And so I'm gonna read this directly. And then we can respond with a conversation, but I want you to wait until I'm done reading. And I've never had a person tell me no.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  The toughest part is that I'm closest to my mom than I am with my dad. I'm, I'm close with my dad, but nothing like I am with my mom.

• 24:09Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 24:13Dr. John Delony?

  Um, which, which in a weird way makes it all the more important for you to be the one has this conversation. But I honestly would not bring my siblings in yet. I think just going in order, I'm gonna talk to the person, I'm gonna set whatever ground rules I want to. I will never tell dad. It's up to you, but I'll always know. And we're gonna go on this family trip with all the grandkids and smile and wave, but I'll know it's what's going on. Or we're not gonna go on this trip. Or you have 48 hours to come clean to dad? And then y'all two can come sit in our living room? You get to decide which part of this,

• 24:55Dr. John Delony?

  what you want to do next. I'm gonna give you 48 hours and I'm gonna tell dad and then I'm gonna tell our siblings? Because I can't carry all this by myself.

• 25:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:05Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, you're the kid. So it's not your job to carry all of this for her. She's the adult. I mean, you're an adult too, but she's the parent, right?

• 25:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:17Dr. John Delony?

  And, and hold space for, she may blow your mind with something. Your dad's been cheating on me for years. Your dad's frighteningly abusive. Your dad, like, who knows? I've heard, dude, I've heard every story under the sun sitting with people in the middle of these conversations.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:35Dr. John Delony?

  But the question I want you to keep asking yourself is, what kind of man do I want to be now that this grenade has gone off in my living room?

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:45Dr. John Delony?

  So what did you find? What'd you see?

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Um, pictures, 40 text messages, I love yous, um, wish I could stop by and kiss you, just everything I wish I hadn't have seen.

• 26:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, one from the integrity part of it all. And then one from like, that's just your, that's your mom, right? Like, I don't want to see that. Geez, man. So what have you been wrestling with? What, when you, when you, like, I know you've run these imaginary conversations in your head over and over. What do they sound like?

• 26:26Speaker 02

  Um, my biggest thing is, do I, uh, I, I'll take your advice and bring it up with my wife first off, right away. But do I just let the family have one last trip of enjoyment and not ruin everyone's trip?

• 26:45Dr. John Delony?

  Can I pause you right here?

• 26:47Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 26:48Dr. John Delony?

  You have ruined nothing.

• 26:52Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 26:53Dr. John Delony?

  You are responding to a bomb blast. You did not detonate it.

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 26:58Dr. John Delony?

  And regardless of what your siblings say, I can't believe you did this. What your mom says, you're gonna ruin everything. I need you to hear my words. You have ruined nothing. Now, if you go blast this all over the place and you send out Facebook request, like, next door, I mean, you could, and yes, you will have ruined stuff because you didn't handle this with integrity and, and, and respect. She's still your mother and I'm still gonna honor her, even though she's doing a dishonorable thing. But, bro, you are simply responding to a grenade that somebody else pulled the pin on.

• 27:36Speaker 02

  Would you blame me if I waited until after the cruise to confront her or tell anyone else?

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  This is, it, I, I'm not gonna sit in the, in a seat of judgment, man. I'm gonna sit here with you. What I, the challenge I would put before you is, um, do you become part of the lie? Or when your dad sobbing into his own hands, looks up at you and says, when did you know?

• 28:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:10Dr. John Delony?

  And you let me spend $50,000 taking the family on a, on a farce, on a charade?

• 28:17Dr. John Delony?

  I want to be able to have that conversation with integrity.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  Or, and here's the other thing. You can look at him and say, yeah, I made a call, dad. I got put in an impossible situation. And I made a call. Maybe it was the, maybe it was a bad call. I'll own it. I'm a grown man with my own house, my own family. I made a bad call. Or I made what I thought was the right call. I wanted everyone to have one last go around before this thing imploded.

• 28:43Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 28:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's you just taking full 100% ownership of, here's what I'm gonna do next. And I'm gonna live and die by those consequences.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  Gotcha.

• 28:56Dr. John Delony?

  Knowing your siblings, what would, what would they? It sounds like y'all have a pretty tight family. Is that right?

• 29:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, very tight. Um, my dad had an, he had an accident a couple, couple of years ago and uh, we had a, of just me and my siblings talking and, and uh, this, this thing did come up in the moment of like we all, all four of us had our suspicions. And so, uh, but we, we figured it was in the moment we were focusing on my dad then and not, that wasn't the time to bring this up.

• 29:37Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and do, do what's right for you and your family. And here's what I mean by that. Obviously you gotta talk to your wife. That's, that's like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna let somebody's lack of integrity foster a space in my house between me and my wife. Um, there's enough things trying to pull us apart every second of every day anyway. And maybe you sit down with your mom and you let her, let her know you got 48 hours to tell dad. Or I, I want you to know that I know I saw everything. I've had suspicions for years. Um, this are like your other kids have had suspicions for years. I'm gonna rally everybody together tomorrow and we're gonna figure out if we want to be a part of this

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  45 year celebration. If we want to go on this thing, you don't get a vote in that mom, but I want you to know that we're all gonna circle up. And maybe you bring the kids in too. I mean, the kids, they're not kids. They're all adults. You bring your siblings in too. The thing, the thing I'm, I'm thinking here is,

• 30:39Dr. John Delony?

  is it a heartbreak on top of a heartbreak? For your dad to be the last to know?

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:50Dr. John Delony?

  Or does he have a right to know? And again, man, if you, if you and your wife have suspicions, if you and your siblings have suspicions, I mean, your dad's in that house unless he's just a clueless guy.

• 31:02Speaker 02

  He can, he can space out sometimes.

• 31:04Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, yeah, I, I mean, dude, I hate this for you, man.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  Yeah. And he's, he's worked hard his entire life, built a incredible business and they're very well off

• 31:20Speaker 02

  because of his hard work. My mom's been home, raised us and then just been home keeping things together around the house.

• 31:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And so there, there's a hard truth to that, which is it took both of them to build this life, right?

• 31:36Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 31:37Dr. John Delony?

  And the hard part is it can take two people to build a pretty extraordinary life. I'm gonna be the anchor point at home. So you can go out and

• 31:47Dr. John Delony?

  go hunting for big game and bring it home to the house and I'll, I'll be here, right? They serve as an anchor point to each other. Two people can build something and one person can burn it to the ground.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  And that stinks.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  Do I um, talk with my mom and all that and then just completely step away or just so that I'm not in the center of it since it's not my marriage or how would you go about afterwards?

• 32:19Dr. John Delony?

  I think you let them both know.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna get in between you two and either one of y'all can stay at my house. Or maybe you can look at your mom and say dad can come over and stay here if he wants to, or if you need a place to stay, if he throws you out, you're welcome to stay here. I think it's letting your parents know y'all are both my mom and dad and I'm gonna treat both of you with, is, with honor and respect, but I'm not, I'm not gonna be your marriage therapist. You're not gonna call me and talk bad about each other. That's not the role I'm gonna play here. And that's gonna take an incredible amount of discipline.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 32:52Dr. John Delony?

  And expect this to not go well. Okay?

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  Expect her to say, who do you think you are? I'm your mom. You're, you're destroying our family. You're gonna ruin everything. Expect all of the weight of this to be put on you. It may not happen, but just expect it.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  Or let me say it this way, expect to not feel good even after having right conversations.

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  Nobody's gonna win here.

• 33:32Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 33:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so nobody's gonna feel great after the initial conversation. You might feel some relief, but you're gonna feel guilt and whatever your mom decides to throw at you. You, you know her well, what is she gonna say? Like just, just put yourself in her shoes. Is she gonna bury her face in her hands and say, oh my gosh, I can't believe you saw that. I'm so sorry. It's been going on for years. Or is she gonna attack you? Like who is she?

• 33:55Speaker 02

  She won't attack. Nope. She won't attack. Um, I think she'll just be ashamed and uh,

• 34:03Speaker 02

  show a lot of remorse and stuff. I mean, I guess one of the biggest things that's been burning a hole in my mind is like, what's, what's the plan? That's what I want to ask her is what's the plan?

• 34:16Dr. John Delony?

  I, I want you and your wife to co, co-create the plan for y'all.

• 34:22Dr. John Delony?

  You don't get a vote in your mom's plan. You get a vote in what you do next.

• 34:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so your dad may choose to say like, dude, I'm 45 years in, I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere. It is what it is. He may say this stops and whatever. I need some time to separate. He might, he's well off. He may say, I'm getting a boat and I'm moving to Alaska, dude. I'm gonna fish the rest of my days. Like who, who knows, right?

• 34:51Speaker 02

  At what point you had mentioned earlier about bringing, like if my dad needed to come over and stay over at our house, at what point

• 35:02Speaker 02

  is that short term versus long term and letting that get too far into my own marriage?

• 35:09Dr. John Delony?

  I, you and your wife come up with the boundaries before you talk to your mom.

• 35:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so if he, if, if you and your wife agree, he can stay here for a week, then when he comes, then it's again, all of this is asking you to, you, you have now become the adult in the room.

• 35:30Dr. John Delony?

  Dad, you can stay here for one week, me and wife and our kids, like you, you can stay here for one week. I'll help you find a place. I'll help you get your, get your feet underneath you. I know this just knocked the wind out of you. You got one week here or you got two weeks here. Or dad, we're just not in a place where you can come move in right now. We don't even have an extra bedroom, but we can do X, Y, and Z. I'll go with you to help you find an apartment or mom's the one that's gotta go.

• 35:54Dr. John Delony?

  But make, have those boundaries firmly set. Otherwise you're gonna find yourself agreeing to something in the heat of an emotional exchange, that then you're gonna have to go back and explain to your wife. And then y'all are gonna have a rift in y'all's house. And that's what I mean by starting this whole thing by looking at your wife and saying, this is gonna impact me personally. It's gonna impact you personally. They're, they're your next door neighbors, right?

• 36:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:15Dr. John Delony?

  If you, if you weren't even related to them at all, but there was just this sweet couple that lived next door to you and this happened, it would impact your, your, it would impact you and your wife, right? So it's, it's staying committed. We're not gonna make any decisions in the anything. You know what? Now that I'm talking out loud, um, I'll leave you with one piece of wisdom that one of my most important mentors of my life, Jean Will Thompson, he taught me this at a young age as a leader, is to never make emotional relationship decisions, whether with an employee or the friend in the moment. So he always had a 24 hour waiting window. If he was talking to you about letting you go, if he was talking to you about a promotion you didn't get, if he was talking to you about a heart, like whatever it was, he'd always say, I'm, we'll, we'll circle back.

• 37:00Dr. John Delony?

  We'll put time on the calendar tomorrow and we'll, cause he always wanted space between, this room feels real heavy, or you gave me a compelling emotional argument or whatever, but I gotta have some space. And I've used that through most of my career, most of my life. I just need some, I, I need a little bit of space so I can exhale. So make a commitment to you and your wife. Neither of us will agree to anything without talking to the other person and we'll make the call the following day.

• 37:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:25Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So if your mom sobbing, I screwed up. I can't believe this. I'm so embarrassed. Can I come stay with y'all? You say, I'm gonna need to talk to my wife about it.

• 37:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:34Dr. John Delony?

  And we've agreed to make, have, make decisions together moving forward, cause it's gonna be a mess. And that just gives you some space. But I think, I think that, that just setting that up, you and your wife set up whatever boundaries y'all wanna set up and how we're gonna approach this thing, kind of a tiny little framework, this, which sounds such a, so nerdy, but what most people will do is they'll get pissed off, they'll go next door, or they'll be heartbroken or whatever. They'll have some big emotional state. They'll go sit down. The other person will have an emotional response, either sobbing, I screwed up, or they'll attack or whatever. And they'll end up agreeing to, yeah, you can come live with us for a while. And that while turns into one month, two months. And then the other parent is like, I can't believe you.

• 38:19Dr. John Delony?

  Not doing any of that.

• 38:23Dr. John Delony?

  I am in control of what happens next. Me and my wife together are, are gonna make decisions. So, man, I hate that somebody pulled a pin on what looks like a pretty amazing thing from the outside. And again, who knows what's been going on inside that house for years?

• 38:40Dr. John Delony?

  I hate it for everybody. Hate it for your dad, hate it for you, hate it for your mom, hate it for your wife, hate it for everybody. Just continually ask yourself, who am I gonna be? What kind of man do I wanna be? What kind of husband do I wanna be? What kind of child, kid do I wanna be?

• 38:56Dr. John Delony?

  Next. Thanks for the call, brother. When we come back, a man asks how to navigate being a stepdad when he feels he has no voice in disciplining his stepson. We'll be right back.

• 39:09Dr. John Delony?

  As you know, I'm a big believer in the relationships that can be established in therapy. It's a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges, old wounds, and to practice new ways of relating to others and living life in the presence of a trained licensed professional. But sometimes challenges take more than a traditional 50-minute session. Sometimes pausing the grind of everyday life and digging into a multi-day intensive experience with your spouse, or your kids, or even yourself can transform everything in your home, in your marriage, and in your life. And that's why I want to tell you about Capstone Wellness and their Vine and Root program. Capstone's Vine and Root program

• 39:50Dr. John Delony?

  is a deeper level of care. It's three to five day therapy intensives for couples, families, and individuals who need more than once a week sessions to radically change their life. Whether it's trauma, addiction, marriage challenges, burnout, or just about any challenge you're experiencing, the therapists at Vine and Root can help you get to the root of what's going on in your life and in your body, and give you tools and a plan to change your life outside of therapy. They are a Christian organization, but they help people of all faiths, all backgrounds, and all experiences. They don't push anything on anybody, and they follow a strict code of ethics. Vine and Root is a real investment of your time,

• 40:33Dr. John Delony?

  of your energy, and of your money. But if you're serious about getting well, sometimes serious change requires serious commitment. Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/deloney.

• 40:50Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Let's talk to Andrew. What's up, Andrew?

• 40:56Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 40:57Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

• 40:59Speaker 03

  I'm actually great, even though I'm calling into the show.

• 41:03Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on, dude?

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Hey, okay, so, um, quick question was, you know, how do I, um, how do I bring up, I guess, not necessarily discipline, but how do I bring up the topic to his mom when I see my stepson like break a rule that we've kind of had, or if I feel like he's pulling the wool over his mom's eyes? So, long story short, first off, some boundaries that we had before we got married was that I'm not really stepping into like a parent role, maybe a stepdad, but I'm not, I'm not a parent. I can be a role model, but as far as the

• 41:48Speaker 03

  disciplining and stuff, like that's what mom's going to handle. The dad is involved,

• 41:55Speaker 03

  and they have 50/50, so.

• 41:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but hold on, that's a really, that's a tough place for everybody, especially that kid. What was the reasoning behind this?

• 42:09Speaker 03

  Well, so he's 12.

• 42:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 42:13Speaker 03

  I'm, I mean, and we've been together for about two years now. So, like I said, dad's involved.

• 42:21Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't matter. He lives in your home half the time. Let me say it this way, I'm in charge of setting the values and the boundaries for my kid, okay?

• 42:34Speaker 03

  Right.

• 42:35Dr. John Delony?

  But my son is, works a job with multiple different adults. He's got a cross-country and track coach, multiple coaches. He's got multiple teachers. He's got a minister. He's got other men that I fully respect. So there's a lot of other men in his life, thank God, participating in disciplining him. You hear what I'm saying?

• 43:05Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 43:05Dr. John Delony?

  Nobody will hit my kid, or I'll go to jail, right? But like, but when it comes to, yeah, I, what, what this 12-year-old is learning is that there are certain adults that can't touch me. Not physically, but they can't do anything.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Right, right, right.

• 43:23Dr. John Delony?

  And that's an, that's an unsafe skill set for a 12-year-old to wield, on top of his life blowing up because his parents got divorced.

• 43:35Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:37Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you, you just being, not, not impotent sexually, but you just being this impotent, like this guy just over in the corner, like, with a disrespectful 12-year-old, or a jerk, or you're watching him lie to his mom, or whatever. Yeah, dude, that's a, that's a, that's a dangerous dynamic for that household.

• 43:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I guess I do want to preface, like, he is a good kid. It's you and far in between.

• 43:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, kid, most kids, almost every kid is a good kid. Not all of them, but almost every kid's a good kid.

• 44:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:05Dr. John Delony?

  But he's still 12. And a 12-year-old developmentally is going to push on every boundary humanly possible. That's what they're supposed to do.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  Especially as preteen, and as we start to dive into the preteen and teenage years.

• 44:20Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, buckle up, dude. And here's the thing, if he learns he's untouchable in certain areas, and I can manipulate this relationship, and this person I don't have to listen to, and this adult I don't have, man, that's a, that's a wild ride he's about to get on. He's already.

• 44:39Speaker 03

  Well, let me, let me preface, I mean, because she, she doesn't let him get by with everything. Like, she is very, she's very good at parenting. She is very good at being a mom, especially in this tough situation. And her philosophy, and I get it too, is she's not raising a son for compliance, right? Because we've, I've had that baggage from being raised from compliance. You do what I say when I tell you, and, and that's going to be it. But at the same time, she's like, I want to raise a good human being.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:14Speaker 03

  I'm totally on board with that.

• 45:15Dr. John Delony?

  I am too, but part of raising a good human being is giving them very firm anchored boundaries and holding them accountable. You can, you can, you can Instagram it and call it compliance, but there are certain things when I tell my kids to do them, they need to do them. That's part of, it's, you know why? Because I live in a functioning world. I live in reality. There are certain things my boss tells me I need to do, and I get to choose whether I stay employed or not. Now, that can be abusive. I mean, it can get abusive, but dude, that's not, that's not a bad thing.

• 45:53Speaker 03

  Okay, so what's it look like? Because I mean, when a kid's a kid, right? And how do you extend grace then? Where is that kind of like balance? Because I don't want to, I'm not asking like, you know, he does something wrong, and then that's it, like, yank it out. But like, I mean, what, because we're huge on grace, like, we want to, what's that look like then? I mean, I don't want to be fearful, like how I was. Like, he, he can, him and his mom, like, they can, they have really good talks, talks that I wish I would have been able to have with my parents or with my mom. But because I

• 46:35Speaker 03

  felt like I had to be perfect, I didn't have those conversations.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  Those conversations provide context. Relationship in depth provide context for why I'm asking you to do what I'm asking you to do, and I'm not asking you to understand it because you're freaking 12. I am asking you to understand your role in this house. One of the, a few frameworks I have, one is most childhood challenges are skill set issues. Meaning, a kid who explodes, a kid who gets mad, a kid who just starts sobbing, it's often, and like, their body is responding bigger than their capacity to hold it all.

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm going to honor that with, I'm going to teach you some skills. Another philosophy that I learned from Becky Kennedy is every feeling is okay, but not every action's okay.

• 47:38Dr. John Delony?

  So I can ask you to take the trash out because you're a functioning member of this house. And here's the thing, those conversations y'all have, the big, deep conversations, number one, the, the bedrock of those conversations are, I will never stop loving you. There's not a thing you can do to keep me from loving you. Number two, you play an integral role in this house. And when you become a pillar of the house, there's a weight that gets put on your shoulders. And because you're 12, that weight is really, really light. But you play a role here. Not in my emotional stability, that's my job as an adult.

• 48:15Speaker 03

  Right.

• 48:16Dr. John Delony?

  But you contribute to the trash, and so the trash needs to go out. The same as we all contribute to using the lights, and you as the adult are like, I'll pay that bill. But we're going to slowly teach them, and when they don't do it, there has to be consequences for the choices they've made. And so here's how that's always gone in my house.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 48:38Dr. John Delony?

  I will never say to my kid, you said this thing, get out of my presence, get out of my face.

• 48:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 48:45Dr. John Delony?

  Because what I'm teaching them is, there is a line you can cross when I am going to break relationship with you. Never going to do that. But I have often said, by you talking to your mom that way, you chose to leave for 30 minutes. And that breaks my heart.

• 49:03Speaker 03

  Sure. I get that.

• 49:04Dr. John Delony?

  Because I want you in here, the house needs you here, the, our whole house is, feels better when you're here. And because you made X, Y, or Z, like, X, Y, or Z, like, choice, you chose to step away from this relationship, and that breaks my heart.

• 49:21Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah.

• 49:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want them to own, I chose not to do this, so I chose not to go play with my friends. I chose, they're choosing these decisions.

• 49:31Speaker 03

  Okay. Okay. Well, then the next part would be, because I let in with the, going into our marriage, right, that I, I agreed that I'm not a parent at that. So then, what does this conversation with my wife look like? We have a very safe space, right? We talk about literally everything. It's just conversations about the stepson can be a pinch point. So what does, how does this conversation, what's this conversation look like?

• 50:09Dr. John Delony?

  I think you'll need to back up and redefine what this word parent means.

• 50:14Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  Because it sounds like the way y'all are describing, using the word parent in your home, I would use the words functioning adult.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:25Dr. John Delony?

  I want any adult on the planet to respectfully and treating them with dignity. Make sure my kids are A, being safe and B, being good citizens. So what y'all are seeing in your house as I agreed to not parent. I, I don't have a firm definition of what that means, but the way you've described it to me is I won't have anything to do with setting boundaries in this house. I won't have anything to do with holding anybody accountable. I'll just back up here and I'm just going to be with you lady and you deal with this thing. And I'm telling you that's bad for him. That's bad for you. That's bad for your marriage.

• 51:01Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. Cause and that's, I guess maybe that's why I wrestle with it. Cause I mean, we do like, um, we do things. She works for the city and, um, there's evenings where she has to be gone for the evening. So him and I will go to, go out to eat and we'll go to a store and just hang out and walk around and do stuff that he wants to do. And we enjoy the heck of it. I'm very lucky, uh, to get along with him. Um, I know that much. And, um, like we do work on projects together. So this last weekend we put a tonneau cover on and I kind of let him lead.

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's amazing. That's awesome.

• 51:41Speaker 03

  That project. So I, I guess.

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  For some reason, and maybe it's your, your, you've had a pretty, you had a rough go of it as a kid, which man, I want to totally honor that. And I get that deeply.

• 51:56Dr. John Delony?

  But what you're talking about aren't two separate things. You're talking about time commitment and relationship and safety and trust. I'm going to be right here while we put on this cover on the back of the truck and I'm going to let you lead and like, that is, is not in opposition to here's the three chores that we ask you to do as a member of this house. Here is our boundaries are on phones. And if you choose to break the boundaries, then you're choosing the consequence that we've already established for you.

• 52:34Dr. John Delony?

  Those are all, that's all of that is a, is a 360 degree picture of a relationship.

• 52:42Dr. John Delony?

  Like when I sit down with couples, like the, the four needs of a marriage inside of this little marriage is you have to see each other. You have to know each other. You have to celebrate the heck out of each other. And all three of those buy you much needed permission to challenge each other.

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  And it sounds like what your wife wants is you to be this big brother.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:06Dr. John Delony?

  Well, not even that, because big brothers, my sister, I have an older sister. She has held me accountable, rightfully so, all my whole life. Because she can see things from a wisdom perspective, because she's down the road from me that I don't have.

• 53:19Speaker 03

  Right.

• 53:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Right.

• 53:21Dr. John Delony?

  And so I think it's redefining or not redefining, but you and your wife getting on the same picture. What's our picture of parenthood?

• 53:29Dr. John Delony?

  And what are our goals for our house?

• 53:35Dr. John Delony?

  And what does that look like when our 12 year old does very 12 year old things? And sees if that's going to hold or not?

• 53:48Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  It's just the difference of it, that I can call, call it out.

• 54:00Speaker 03

  I'm sorry, I guess I'm wrestling back to that same deal of

• 54:06Speaker 03

  that I don't want to, I guess I don't want to say it like.

• 54:08Dr. John Delony?

  Give me, give me an example. I feel like we're talking hypotheticals. Give me an example.

• 54:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. Um, and that's actually kind of what led to this call. So long story short, um, he can have one fancy drink a day. It'll be a soda or whatever. And, um, he chose to have his drink with breakfast earlier in the day. We went to the swimming pool, uh, later on and he brought a friend. His friend bought him an Icy slushy. Again, he's 12, in my opinion, he knows what's going on. And he comes back and his mom and I are laying by the pool and he's drinking it right in front of us. I'm like, okay. And, and you know, don't react, but you know, I'm thinking in my head, okay.

• 54:55Speaker 03

  He broke a rule, like there'll be a consequence and we can talk about it later on. Um, the safety break ends and they go back to the pool. And I asked her, I was like, hey, so like, what's the, what's the consequence here? And, uh, she goes, well, I'll talk to him about it. Said, okay. I said, that's sure. But I mean, like, does he not get one for the next day? Because he chose to have one or two today. Um, or what does that look like? And she goes, well, I'm just going to talk with him about it. And, um, you know, let, let the Holy Spirit press on his heart, you know, for change.

• 55:38Speaker 03

  And, um, I kind of, it didn't really.

• 55:43Dr. John Delony?

  Say what?

• 55:43Speaker 03

  Compute with me.

• 55:46Speaker 03

  Yeah. Uh, she said that, um, you know, just let the Holy Spirit press upon him.

• 55:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So can we get to what I think might be the real issue here?

• 55:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  All the way into this call.

• 55:58Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 55:59Dr. John Delony?

  You don't respect how your wife is parenting this young boy.

• 56:03Dr. John Delony?

  And you gotta take full ownership of that. And you need to have that conversation. And that will be a hard, very difficult conversation to have.

• 56:13Speaker 03

  But she is a good mom and I do believe that.

• 56:16Dr. John Delony?

  What you're describing to me is not good.

• 56:22Dr. John Delony?

  And there's a difference between a loving person and a caring person.

• 56:29Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm going to throw out four, three or four different, two or three different things.

• 56:34Dr. John Delony?

  A caring person who is feels so guilty about the divorce that they kind of let their kid get away with everything.

• 56:40Dr. John Delony?

  Or a really caring, loving mom who has conversations with her son that you and I wished our parents would have had with us. And doesn't want to be the stern parent because dad lets him do whatever he wants. And so we're just going to kind of talk about it and move on.

• 56:58Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? And I can keep going. I can just keep making up stories.

• 57:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:01Dr. John Delony?

  But.

• 57:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:03Dr. John Delony?

  Having thoughtful, deep conversations is great.

• 57:09Dr. John Delony?

  But the calculus your child is already running or your stepkid is already running is I can have a second sugary drink today and all it's going to cost me is a conversation with my mom. But if you're losing respect for your spouse, have that conversation.

• 57:28Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you have concerns, have that conversation.

• 57:32Speaker 03

  Yeah. I like that better concerns.

• 57:35Dr. John Delony?

  Well, but don't water it down because you're scared to have, be honest.

• 57:43Speaker 03

  I mean, I respect the hell out of her in a lot of, a lot of ways.

• 57:47Dr. John Delony?

  Great. So have the bigger conversation with your, with your wife. Cause that to me is where it's stemming is you're watching her and seeing it play out. And be honest, if it's happening in other areas, it's not related to parenting. But being a step parent is always messy, but the answer's never. I'm just going to be an adult. I'm just, I'm just the play kid. I'm the play guy. I'm the fun older brother who never says anything about accountability or that. Man, that puts you in a really awkward position.

• 58:18Dr. John Delony?

  And disciplining stepkids is a nightmare in and of itself. It takes a lot of emotional regulation and a lot of direct conversations with parents. And yeah, it's just going to be you, y'all are going to be navigating this thing together for a while. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.

• 58:36Dr. John Delony?

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• 59:21Dr. John Delony?

  It is incredible. Josh is one of just over a hundred master bladesmiths in the world. And the quality of the Montana knife proves it. This is the pocket knife perfected. And like all Montana Knife Company knives, this knife is going to last forever. It's going to be something your grandkids will fight over decades from now. If you've never shopped at Montana Knife Company before, you need to know that all of their knives sell out fast because they're handmade and supplies are extremely limited. So head over to mkc.com to check out what's available right now. And while you're there, sign up for email and text alerts to be the first to know about upcoming product drops, restocks and new releases.

• 1:00:05Dr. John Delony?

  That's mkc.com.

• 1:00:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, what you got going on?

• 1:00:11Speaker 04

  All right. So I got some information from our development team that just put together Together app. And I want to give you a couple of stats and then ask your opinion.

• 1:00:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 1:00:21Speaker 04

  All right. So this is from the focus area assessment that people do when they start the app.

• 1:00:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 1:00:27Speaker 04

  Talking about when couples connect in the evening, come home after, you know, working all day, that kind of thing. 31% say we're physically near each other, but not really connecting. 27% say we're both on separate screens or we keep to ourselves. Only 7% of couples that filled it out say that they're genuinely connecting. How does the app help with that?

• 1:00:47Dr. John Delony?

  Man, that's a great question. Um, those stats break my heart.

• 1:00:52Dr. John Delony?

  That's tough. Um, we, we don't know what to do next. Right? We're, we have so much happening all at the same time. What the app does for you is it gives you, um, what's a thing I can do next to reconnect? And that sounds silly, right? It's like saying like, hey, how do I get abs? And someone will be like, diet and exercise. And then they walk away. Like it sounds simple, but like, what do I do right now? And the app is constantly pulling you back. A, with teaching stuff. So we've added pretty amazing teaching stuff and we've added, um, those guys, those developers are just, they're unbelievable, man. I thought I was smart. These, these, I call them kids.

• 1:01:36Dr. John Delony?

  They're all grownups and married with their own kids, but they're unbelievable. But they develop, like you said, focus tracks. So if you're struggling with communication or you're struggling with exhaustion, like how do I show up? And this is the world I'm in right now. But what the app does is it gives you a thing to go do next. And I think that's what's missing across the marriage, relationship, dating advice, which is it's all talking and theory. And what do you think? What do you think? And then you stop the podcast, you stop and you're like, okay, what do I go do now? And then it goes bing or it buzzes and it says, go do this for your spouse right now. Or go do this with your spouse right now. And it gives you action steps back to each other. So that's what it does.

• 1:02:19Dr. John Delony?

  And that's what I think makes it, I don't know of any other thing on the market that does what this does. And I think that's why the reviews are so high. And that's why people just keep eating it up, man. It's, it's, I'm really proud of it. It's pretty cool, but that's what it does. If you're feeling disconnected and you're just sitting there like, okay.

• 1:02:35Dr. John Delony?

  As I had one buddy that was like, all right, dude. So I put all our phones down. We put the screens away and now we're all just staring at each other. And I was like, whoa, why don't you talk? And he's like, okay, we'll just start talking. And I was like, oh, you don't know, you don't know what to do. Like, and so this helps in that moment. So it's pretty special.

• 1:02:54Speaker 04

  Good job.

• 1:02:56Speaker 04

  Well done.

• 1:03:00Speaker 04

  We can end the show now.

• 1:03:01Dr. John Delony?

  Let's just keep sitting here staring at each other. Staring contests go. I wouldn't do a staring contest. I'd, I think my face would melt. Love you guys. Bye.