Caller: “My Husband Thinks I’m Brainwashed”

❤️ Preorder Building the Marriage You Want today and get $100+ in bonus items. On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose husband thinks she’s being brainwashed A wife wondering if she should share her business account with her husband A daughter deciding if she should reconnect with her estranged dad Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters: 00:00 Intro 01:01 Have I Been Brainwashed by Social Media? 20:05 Give My Husband Access to My Business Account? 40:10 Should I Stay No-Contact With My Dad? Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get started today with Churchill Mortgage. Equal Housing Lender • NMLS ID 1591 • NMLSConsumerAccess.org Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  My husband and I, who originally, when we first met about 19 years ago, had very similar views on politics. But over the last decade or so, we have come to be almost on completely opposite sides of that. And he is, it makes him very upset that that's the case.

• 0:39Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so grateful that you're here. Pull up a seat and we're gonna just hang out. We're gonna figure out what's the next right move for you to take. What's the next action step you can take in your marriage with your kids, with your mental and emotional health, even with your physical health, with your work, your job, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we'll figure out the next right move. I'm so glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. Let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to the great and wonderful Emily. Hey Emily, what's up?

• 1:15Speaker 01

  I'm doing good. Good, dude. Thank you for taking my call. I'm very nervous. I'm sorry.

• 1:19Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I'm so glad that you're here. It's good to talk to a fellow Texan, even though you're from Dallas and that's a whole thing. But listen, I'm glad that you called. What's up?

• 1:32Speaker 01

  Well, over the last, I guess, decade or so, my husband and I, who originally, when we first met about 19 years ago, had very similar views on politics. But over the last decade or so, we have come to be almost on completely opposite sides of that. And he is, it makes him very upset that that's the case. I'm of course not happy that we don't have the same views, but for him, he kind of puts it in this framework of that I don't, because I don't follow him in that area. I don't have respect for him.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  And I feel like I've just come to these views because I've considered these positions and thought about them. But he seems to view it as a threat to our relationship. And I don't know what to do with that.

• 2:29Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. So he's hinging this idea of respect equals perfect agreement?

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Not even agreement, but I should come to him first for any information about the world. Like he's told me, oh, no, don't read these websites. Don't listen to these people. He finds it disrespectful that I would seek outside sources about political or other cultural information before coming to him, that I should be following him.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  And I just, I don't understand it. It doesn't make any sense to me.

• 3:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 3:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's a level of control. I mean, because you're talking about thought control at that point. You're talking about like mind filtering and...

• 3:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's how I feel it is. I'm like, really? You want me to just turn my brain off and only be like, oh, he said this, so... Because he thinks, I think he's stupid or that I think that he's not trustworthy. And I'm like, I don't think you're stupid, but I think we just have different views of what's going on in the world. And he just cannot accept that. He says, you know, the kids are disrespectful, then, you know, oh, look, if you don't respect me, they're not respecting you. And he kind of makes it this thing.

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  So take politics off the table for a second. Where, because, I mean, you know this, I know this, every listener knows this. There's probably as long as I live. Like of the few things I, like when I'm going for long runs or long walks in my neighborhood, or I'm hanging from a tree during hunting season, I'm just sitting by myself for hours. And I try to contemplate, try to get to the bottom of a thing, right?

• 4:28Dr. John Delony?

  This is one that I will never understand. That I haven't been able to grasp. Even my understanding of, and it's limited, but even my understanding of like evolutionary psychology and tribal behaviors, I can't wrap my head around above family, above work, above friendship, above faith. There's been this lockstep allegiance to a particular political viewpoint and everything else falls through that, filters through that. And I honestly don't have a great answer for you there. What my, so I want to take politics off the table for a second

• 5:11Dr. John Delony?

  because this rarely happens in a vacuum. Where else does he accuse you of not being respectful or not following him?

• 5:21Speaker 01

  How much time do you have?

• 5:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a lot. It's, you know, my priorities about what I do during the day. We homeschool our three children, choices I make, you know, with that. Often it's like if I make a comment that I don't feel is disrespectful. I mean, I'm not calling him names or I don't try to put him down, but he'll come in, that was really rude and disrespectful. And I'm just puzzled by it. And it does create a lot of anxiety because I'm kind of like feeling like, will what I say today be considered disrespectful?

• 5:57Dr. John Delony?

  Right, you're on eggshells in your own house. It's not a safe place anymore.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, it doesn't feel that way a lot of the time. And now especially with, you know, we've got the elections coming up and it's just, you know, everything is just, so there's political ads will come up. You know, we're watching, you know, streaming service together. And then me come up and I'll just tense up because I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, is he gonna start something? Yeah, here we go, exactly. And if I try to like kind of speak my opinion, you know, he'll have something, you know, to counter that. And then he'll get upset because, you know, I'm not just immediately kind of going over to what he's saying and realizing, oh, what he said is true, even though I have checked some of the things he said and they have turned out not to be accurate. I don't bring that up either. I don't know, that's gonna make it worse. So I might be like, well, I checked on, you know, that's another thing too.

• 6:45Speaker 01

  If he finds that I have checked on like something that he said, that makes him feel like, oh, she doesn't trust me.

• 6:53Dr. John Delony?

  Without seeing the irony that he's not trustworthy?

• 6:58Speaker 01

  He will swear up and down sideways. He's done everything he should ever do, that I should trust him. And he does provide for our family. He's involved with the children. He's not, you know...

• 7:07Dr. John Delony?

  I get all that. I get all that. Here's what I want to be careful of. So I don't think this is about politics.

• 7:16Dr. John Delony?

  Possibly, I think politics is a huge proxy war y'all are engaging in on a regular basis because it serves as a tangible flashpoint.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:28Dr. John Delony?

  But the thing beneath the thing is there is a husband who's increasingly losing his grasp on himself.

• 7:37Dr. John Delony?

  What he knows to be true, what he believes about the world, trying to see through the fog of what's a future gonna look like for me? How am I gonna continue to provide?

• 7:48Dr. John Delony?

  And on either side of the aisle, you have somebody yelling, all of your pain, all of your frustration, all of your angst is because of them.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:59Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna dehumanize the other side. We're going to like call them names. We're gonna just point and point and point and point. And that's a way that somebody who feels like they're drowning

• 8:12Dr. John Delony?

  can feel like they're grabbing hold to something. And my hope would be that he would grab you and you would grab him.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:21Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all would say, hey, the world is chaotic. It's a total zoo. And now everyone's telling us we're all gonna be dead in four years. Like, you know what I mean? Like in that fog, my hope would be that y'all can grab each other and say, it's you and me versus the world. It's you and me, instead of you versus me. And so, politics is an easy place to say, you're right and you're wrong. I've done my research. Well, I've done my research, right? Like, that's an easy place. But the real issue is there's a husband, there's a man in your life that feels like he is losing his grasp on his world. And the only thing he is, he's trying to control what he can control. And he has come to believe that that also includes you and the thoughts you think.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 9:07Dr. John Delony?

  And in...

• 9:12Dr. John Delony?

  My wife and I had a long like talk last night just thinking through um some of the science, some of the um some of the responses of the Sydney sweetening last night we did. I am desperate for somebody to give me a different way of seeing something than the way I see it.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  And so I don't find, I find very, not, not only do I not find security in everyone around me believing what I believe, but I, it makes me start to get itchy.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:40Dr. John Delony?

  Makes me start to assume that I'm, I'm missing something. If everybody around me is like, "Yeah." I start to get, and maybe that's just to, because I'm a contrarian by nature and whatever, but I, I don't have a psychology for what your husband's going through, other than to say, you have to make a choice, because all you can control is you, you can't control that.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  And so my, my dream for you and your husband would be that you are able to get somewhere where the, clear the deck and say, "Hey, I still love you, I'm still in on it." But we gotta get down to this, like, we gotta come up with a joint definition of the word "respect."

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:19Dr. John Delony?

  Because it's also in, I mean wildly disrespectful to not let the person you love have their own thoughts, and their own feelings, and their own emotions, and their own opinions, and their own insights.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:33Dr. John Delony?

  I can think of few things more disrespectful than that.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:37Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But y'all have to come up with some common definition, and if you can't, if he says, "My definition is you do what I say, you come to me, you don't ask anybody, you go to no websites, you talk to no friends," I'm gonna tell you that's abusive. That, that is, that is a, a, a way of controlling another human being that is uh diminishing and ultimately unsafe, because it won't end there.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  It will then become, and if it's not already, "You will do what I say." And then it will be, you will do things, I don't care how uncomfortable they are, how tired you are, how sick you are, you will do what I say, because you, you must, because I own you basically, right? I own your mind, I own your body, I own everything.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:18Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 11:19Speaker 01

  I have tried to, again, like, this is not respect, like, you asking for obedience, this is something different. And he's really got it in his head that, because I think if he feels, if he, he interprets his feeling in his, in himself as he's being disrespected. And I think it's something deeper than that.

• 11:37Dr. John Delony?

  It a hundred percent is, yeah. I mean, there's no question about that.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:42Dr. John Delony?

  So I guess I'll, I'll turn around and hand, hand the baton back to you. What, what are you gonna do? What's your path forward?

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Honestly, I don't, I don't have a plan right now. I just, I feel like if I do bring it up, it's just gonna be more, he's very determined, excuse me, he's very determined that his way is the right way.

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  I- is there, is there, so, so I'll take a, a track, and I may be off base here. Let's say he is trying to always retain footing as the, as an alpha, as I'm the man of this house, I provide, I'm the this, you stay at home, you homeschool my kids, right? Like, I'm trying to take that track.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  Even the most hardened men like that, that I know, and I don't like to associate with men like that, but I do know those guys.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:36Dr. John Delony?

  Their wife looking at them and saying, "You're making me feel less safe." Being in my house, our house, or heaven forbid, in your house, I don't feel safe here. And even the most hardened guy, their shoulders drop, and they don't want their wife, their girlfriend, their partner to feel unsafe.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  And if he can't hear that, then my challenge to you is to just acknowledge the reality that you live in, which is, um, either A, I'm gonna make peace with the fact that I live in a pretty anxious, tense home, and over the next few years, just expect that vise grip to tighten and tighten and tighten, because I don't, I don't see anything but chaos coming our way.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:30Dr. John Delony?

  And that's why I'm so adamant right now, in this season, of helping people be married well.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  Because that's a built-in gang, built-in, y'all got each other when you got nothing else, right?

• 13:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:46Dr. John Delony?

  And either you make peace with that, or you make peace with alternative plans.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:52Dr. John Delony?

  Well, tell me what he would do, like, you're sitting down, and y'all are at a, I, I don't even know if a diner would be a good idea for y'all to.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  You're sitting on the back porch, and you hold his hand, and you say, "I hear you don't want me to do these things, you feel disrespected when I don't agree with you, etc."

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:09Dr. John Delony?

  "I feel unsafe in our home." What would his response be to that?

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Probably that he doesn't want me to feel unsafe, but that things are supposed to be done in a certain way, that this is a certain um framework that has been put around a family, and that I need to understand that. So he wouldn't say he wanted me to feel unsafe, he would try and, you know, reassure me, "Oh, I'm not gonna, you know." But it would still be him, I feel like it would still be him sticking to, this is the way things should be, to have a good family, and that I am the one who, myself, am the

• 14:57Speaker 01

  one who is kind of making it not possible by not following in his footsteps. That's how I feel it would go. I mean, I might be wrong, I've never done that, because I just, I don't like conflicts, and I don't like how it goes.

• 15:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and so I guess, I guess what I would pose to you is you're in a conflict.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Yes, that's true.

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  And there, there will be a showdown at some point.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:23Dr. John Delony?

  There will be a line that he crosses, there will be a, like, you just give up, and your kids, by the way, are absorbing all of this. And so I always, always, always prefer, prefer the negotiating table over war, always.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so at some point, this is happening, you're already in a conflict, so trying to avoid a conflict now is too late, the ship has sailed. What, what, a conflict is upon you. I would spend some time writing down what you would love to say.

• 15:55Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:56Dr. John Delony?

  And finding the most compassionate way forward, and, and be prepared for an "or what" statement, right? And I always tell folks that, like, "Or what? If he looks at you and says, 'That's stupid, I'm not doing any of that stuff, you will do what I say.'"

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  And then you have an "or what" moment, are you gonna pack the kids up, are you gonna go stay at your mom's house? Are you going to just exhale and say, "This is the rest of my life?"

• 16:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:18Dr. John Delony?

  Are you gonna just put the kids in school and say, "I'm gonna get a job." Like, you, you, you get to take an autonomous track, my hope is y'all do it together, but it's not always possible.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:30Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry, I can't be more help.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  No, I appreciate it.

• 16:33Dr. John Delony?

  I'll quote what my buddy Ian Simkin says, "Whatever you think hate is doing, whatever you think your control is doing, love can do better. Opening your hands up can do better. Saying, 'I'm scared, I don't know,' can do better." We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Every year, you tell yourself you're going to handle this year's holidays differently, you're gonna stay calmer, you're gonna feel more peace, but then the same old patterns show up, the same family tensions, the same challenges you have to keeping healthy boundaries, and you find yourself cranky and tired, and even snapping at people that you love. Listen, this year can be different.

• 17:16Dr. John Delony?

  You still have time to get ahead of all of the chaos and understand what's behind your reactions, and you can develop a plan for moving through the holidays with peace. Therapy can help you build this healthier plan before you actually need it. When you're ready to have that conversation, check out BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform with more than 30,000 licensed therapists across its network. This means you can find someone who can help you feel more peaceful this holiday season, help you develop a plan, or help you with whatever your needs and goals are. If the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. If you've thought about trying therapy with BetterHelp, insurance options may now be

• 17:59Dr. John Delony?

  available nationwide through participating providers, and eligible members have an average copay of just 23 bucks a session. Listen, you know what's coming. This year, you have time to keep calm ahead of all of the holiday chaos by preparing differently. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni to check out your payment options. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash daloni, or click the link in the description.

• 18:29Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Hey, Building the Marriage You Want, my brand new book is available for preorder right now. And so here's the deal with preorder. I'm gonna send you some free stuff, like an enhanced audiobook, a link to a talk I gave about communication in marriage. I'm gonna send you some stuff. But the real blessing is y'all are helping me out. We'll ship the books out as soon as they're available. But preorder helps me, it helps get the book out to more people, and it helps more and more distributors pick up the book. And so, this is just me asking. I know it's a pain to send somebody $24.99, $25 bucks on something that you can't get right away, especially in this current day and age, when you can like, hit buy now, and like, somebody will drop a helicopter in

• 19:14Dr. John Delony?

  your front yard. I totally get it, to say, hey, send me 25 bucks, and I'll send you something in a few months. But preordering the book, Building the Marriage You Want, is such a huge help. And by the way, I've got this question already. This book is for folks who are considering engagement, folks who are engaged, all the way through folks who have been married for 50 years. I wrote everything I know about marriage, and what I believe about it, how we got here, and how to do it. So, pick up this book, Building the Marriage You Want. It is, it's all I got in my head on this, on this thing called marriage, that I believe, right now, just to state it boldly, is our last great shot we got, is for people to say, ride or die, you and me, us versus the world, and here's

• 19:58Dr. John Delony?

  how to do it. So, go to JohnDeloney.com and preorder it now. It'd be a real, real gift. All right, let's go back to Dallas, Texas. We're not going out to, we're going back to Dallas, Texas, and talk to Lynn. Hey Lynn, what's up?

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Hey, how are you?

• 20:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right. How are you?

• 20:14Speaker 01

  I'm doing well, thank you.

• 20:15Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. What's up?

• 20:17Speaker 01

  Um, okay, I'll just get right to it. Should a husband and a wife share their business accounts with each other?

• 20:23Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, nice. Okay, so tell me about your particular situation. Great question.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  So, my husband and I each have our own separate businesses. I've had mine for almost 15 years, and he has had his for about 12 years. And we're signers on each other's account, but I have no ownership in his, and he has no ownership in mine. And recently, he asked if he could have a debit card to my account. And it surprised me, and I asked why, and he didn't have an answer. He didn't know, and in my heart, I was thinking, no, you can't. And so, yeah, so that started it. I can give you quite a bit of context, whenever you're ready.

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I want to go backwards on this one. Usually, context is really helpful, but I think there's like, a first principles thing here, okay? So, you've probably heard me say, I think, I think 99% of couples, percent of couples should share a single checking account that all the money goes into. And you've heard me say this over and over. Y'all's debts are y'all's debts, and y'all's bonuses are y'all's bonuses. And like, so, I like that framework. And, my wife has her own business, and I, it has never occurred to me to get access to that. Right? Like, that's her business account.

• 21:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I have, I work for a network, right? And so, but I've got, I don't know, multiple streams that come in, in different places, and all, like, my take home goes, it all goes into the same checking account. Right? And so, I'm uncomfortable that you're uncomfortable.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:09Dr. John Delony?

  So, give me some context here. Because I, no, my immediate answer is, no, I don't think y'all should share. Um, let me put it this way. I know the bank that my wife's business is at, and I'm on, I've got access to those things, right? But I don't have a debit card with the bank account. I don't have any access. That doesn't make any sense to me. And so, no, I would never go spend money out of my wife's, so no, y'all don't need access. It's like, there's two different businesses. So, no, zero access to that kind of stuff. But your take home pay, that you, y'all pay each other, your draw from each of your individual businesses, should go into a single account.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  So, that's what we do. That's exactly what we do. And then, when it comes to the business, so, when he started his business, he started it because he loved how much I loved being a business owner, and doing my own thing. I was a mom of four, and I could just kind of balance my schedule. But I was struggling financially. And I didn't have any other employees or anything. So, he started a business, and we always joke that he's able to make a lot of money, but he's not able to manage it. And he was very nice, if I needed, you know, something for spending for my business, then he would help out. And so, now, here we are, years later, and my business is doing amazing, for the first

• 23:28Speaker 01

  time ever. I'm completely out of debt with the business. I've got money saved up, not a lot, but I do, I'm in a really good place. And I haven't used his business for years, and for him, all of a sudden, to say, hey, I'd like access. And I should say that, you know, if his, so his business is kind of slowing down, and he actually has a full-time job doing something else, and he just has this side business. But because he doesn't manage the money well, he often doesn't have enough money in his account. And he started asking me, hey, can you, you know, transfer some money? Can I borrow money? And if he borrows, he always gives it back. So, it's not where I'm not willing to share. It's literally the access for the debit. And I should say that, when he asked me this about

• 24:12Speaker 01

  a week ago, I said, no, but what do you need? I can help you. And he said, hey, I need to transfer in $1,000 to pay for something. And I said, that's no problem at all. And then, the next thing I knew, he went into the bank to do it, and he said, well, I didn't need that $1,000, but I went ahead and took $250 out, so I had some cash, just in case I needed it. And I was, I said, that's the problem. We can't do that. I need to, I budget, and I need to know what everything is. If you need that $1,000 for a specific thing, that's one thing. But if you're just gonna take $250 out, that's a totally other thing. And so, by the end of the weekend, he ended up needing $1,500. So, all of a

• 24:53Speaker 01

  sudden, I had loaned him close to $2,000, and the 250 that he just kind of took out was, I don't want to say it's lost, he's gonna pay me back, but it was unnecessary. And, and now, he totally disagrees with me. He says that we should be sharing our business accounts, and he's threatening divorce. He's passionate. He's, I'm, what I think I'm similar to your wife, and he's similar to you, where he has a lot of emotions and feelings. And, I mean, he's almost crying. He's saying, I don't understand why you will not share this with me.

• 25:24Dr. John Delony?

  Because it's, I don't like that you're loaning money.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  Like, that, y'all, like, I don't like that he's asking you, can I borrow some money from your business? I mean, you have a Burger King, and he has a McDonald's. Right? And there's no, like, hey, I need to borrow some buns, or some cups, like, they're different. If you wanted to take an extra $1,000 draw, and put it into your personal checking account, and y'all, like, I've joked in my house, like, when my wife's, she's an author, and let's say she's doing a book release party, I'll say, I want to invest into your company with our money. Right? Like, I want to make an investment into this, I want this book

• 26:16Dr. John Delony?

  launch to be even more ridiculous than you want it to be. Right?

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Right.

• 26:21Dr. John Delony?

  We have that talk, but it comes from our checking account.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Right. Right. Well, and that's what I've...

• 26:27Dr. John Delony?

  But here's the thing, this, and gosh, I feel like I'm saying this all the time now. This business-to-business thing is the proxy war. The real issue is, and I'll say this pretty boldly, your husband's not trustworthy, and now he's threatening divorce.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Right.

• 26:44Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all have way bigger fractures in your marriage than this business.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  You're 100% correct. I think that I've gotten into a place where becoming more successful, and he's not shocked or surprised, but he's used to being the breadwinner, which he still technically is, but I've got this company that's doing really well, and so he sees it as successful. And he'll make small comments, like, one time, we were talking to people, and I was talking about my new office, and he said, oh, yeah, I office out of there. But he doesn't. And he's just, it's, I don't know if it's a power thing, or what it is.

• 27:19Dr. John Delony?

  It sounds like a deep, deep, weird insecurity.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Yes. So, I don't know what...

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  Lynn, do you know what I would give for my, for my wife, to suddenly just start crushing it?

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Well, that's what he says. He wants me to be successful, and that's why I'm shocked. And I don't know what to do. I mean, am I standing on my, standing my ground about this account, which I feel like I'm...

• 27:47Dr. John Delony?

  I think the more y'all fight about the accounts, the further apart y'all are gonna get. You're missing the main point.

• 27:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 27:53Dr. John Delony?

  Which is, honey, I've seen you become increasingly more dishonest. Not to the point that now you're threatening me. You're lying to our friends. Like, you told me you needed $1,000 for a specific purchase. I foolishly said, I'll loan it to you, which creates a division in our, at our kitchen table. That's on me. And then you went and stole 250,000, I mean, $250 out of my account. You can't do, I mean, my business and his business aren't slush funds.

• 28:34Dr. John Delony?

  Especially for a business that's now a hobby.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  When I tried to talk to him about it, he gets, he, well, first he gets angry.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  But this one, he's, I mean, he almost has tears in his eyes, which doesn't happen a whole lot. But he, it's like we're in two different planets. And I don't know how to make him understand because he just completely disagrees with it. And culturally, he's part Hawaiian. I've noticed as we've been married for almost 20 years, I mean, they're a very giving culture. It's amazing, but it's to their detriment. And I don't know if it's something like that. Um, or what it is, but I don't even know how to explain to him that he can't because I need this for my business. And I'm willing to give.

• 29:21Dr. John Delony?

  One of my best friends is from, I, I, I get the cultural part of that, but I, I want to say y'all have built something for two decades.

• 29:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And y'all have norms and y'all have, y'all have a, a world y'all have built together. And it appears that the violation of the norm y'all have built together is what, is what's here. And you going spelunking to try to figure out, well, maybe 30 years ago and 25, like, I'll tell you, that's, that's a, it's a distraction from the problem at hand.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 29:55Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, I, again, I always come back to these first principles. All you can control is you. And what I am, what I'm gonna do and what I'm not gonna do.

• 30:06Dr. John Delony?

  And if he's to a point where he's weeping with you and saying, you owe, this is mine.

• 30:15Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 30:17Dr. John Delony?

  You, you, you all have to get to that deeper layer, which is we're on separate pages in our marriage. And we gotta, we gotta rebuild this marriage from the floor up. One built on trust and you gotta tell the truth.

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  And you, like, if you need money for a thing, it's gonna come out of our joint checking account. We're not just gonna trade business dollars back and forth to each other.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 30:42Dr. John Delony?

  But again, like the, the, and I, I use the word flippant, not as like a, as a pejorative, not as a negative thing, right? But how flippant you are about, yeah, here's, take this, take this.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  That.

• 31:05Dr. John Delony?

  Trying to say this carefully.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  You can say it.

• 31:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'm not gonna say, I'm not gonna say it carefully. Um.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  You're dangerously close, if you're not already, to have lost respect for this guy.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  I have.

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. That's where we gotta start.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  I, I agree in because, so I know that diagnosis, but I mean, he is ADHD and bipolar. But I'm clinically diagnosed and I've known it for a while. We spent quite a bit of time on it. And so there's things that are there.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  So he was, but now he stopped taking his medicine.

• 31:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  And that's a whole other thing.

• 31:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  Because he has his highs and his lows. And he doesn't like, um, he always has this stigma, you know, because when he's on his medicine, I can tell if he didn't take it. And all of a sudden he's so mean, he's so mean. But that's not who he is, you know? I, I love him so much.

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, Lynn, hold on, Lynn. It is. It's part of him.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  Right. I, right.

• 32:06Dr. John Delony?

  It is.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:07Dr. John Delony?

  It's part of him.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  I have, I have things that are wrong with me and I take medicine and I try and tell him, this helps you.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  Totally.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  So, but, so yes, going back to the respect thing. You know, our taxes, I can't do my business taxes because he has been procrastinating on his business taxes, which then affect our personal taxes. Or, um, you know, when he's spending money and I know that he shouldn't be in his company. It's almost like I, I want my company, yes, because it's mine, but because I can hold us in case something else happens where he's dropped the ball. Because he's procrastinating or not managing or not planning or doing something. And so I'm just trying my best, but if I talk to him about it, he always comes back to, you always say it's me, I'm always the problem. But what if it's you? And I don't want to feel like I'm on my high horse at all, but I know that he's not treating something that he has.

• 32:58Speaker 01

  And we just get stuck because I don't want to argue with him.

• 33:00Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and so that's gotta be the baseline.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 33:06Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you have to do the things that you need to do just to be well and whole. And what an amazing

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  stroke of luck, blessing, whatever you want to call it, to be alive in a sliver of history where

• 33:23Dr. John Delony?

  sitting with somebody at some intervals, weekly, monthly, and taking the right medication

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  can be transformative. How amazing, right?

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Right.

• 33:37Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing.

• 33:40Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  so I, I will, I mean, my whole career, my whole life has been sitting with people who are, have all kinds of different struggles. But sometimes you can't change, you can't just snap your fingers and like weight lift or, you know, nutrition your way out of certain psychiatric conditions. That's, that, that just isn't it. The same as you can't just like nutrition your way out of, out of certain medical conditions, right? Cancer, like whatever.

• 34:12Dr. John Delony?

  But it's your responsibility to go get treatment.

• 34:16Dr. John Delony?

  And to stay a part of, to keep treatment protocols going so that you can show up and y'all can anchor into each other.

• 34:26Dr. John Delony?

  And you are not, um, not only are you not a bad wife, I would actually say you're an incredibly loving partner. If there are seasons when you have to say, for the sake of our home, so that we can keep it, for the sake of our lights, so they'll stay on, for the sake of our groceries, so we can still have them.

• 34:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'm moving my money to this account so that, because you're unpredictable. And if you're with somebody who's with untreated bipolar, it's gonna be real highs, highs. And we don't talk about it very much because the highs get a lot of the credit, but there's a, the low lows are what's tough.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  Exactly right.

• 35:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, I have to for, because I love you this much, weather this storm. Or your other, or what statement is, if you are unwilling to love me enough, to love yourself enough, more importantly, to do what you need to do to stay well and whole. Then I'm, I, I have to make other choices then. Because you are increasingly unsafe.

• 35:31Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it sounds to me, and, and again, tell me if I'm wrong, it sounds to me like you're holding on to a marriage that doesn't exist.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  I didn't think you'd say that, but I mean, I've thought it. I, I just, you know, I, I listen to you a lot and I hear the people that love their spouses and they're trying really hard. And I don't know if

• 35:53Speaker 01

  I don't know, I don't know what the right answer is because I know he loves me, he's just sick.

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  But he won't fix it.

• 36:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And so if you choose to stay in this, which is I, I a thousand percent support, what, I mean, you're a grown up, you, you do what you want and I will sit here with you. Know that staying in this with, with a husband who is struggling and refuses to manage it. And that's, that's, he has to decide he wants to do that.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:25Dr. John Delony?

  Or submit to somebody who will help him with that. He won't do either. Um.

• 36:31Dr. John Delony?

  Then to remain in that, to remain safe in that, then you have to fill in the blank, right? You've got to take control of what you can control. And that means I'm gonna weather these storms, I'm gonna walk away from the outbursts. I'm gonna protect us and myself financially. Again, I wish I had a more concrete, you need to go do this and this and this. Um, the other thing you might do that I would probably do in your situation is reach out to his psychiatrist who he used to see, to reach out to his therapist who he might've seen in the past and let him know he's headed down a pretty rough track. And see if there's any way they can reach out, they can do some supportive care. Um.

• 37:10Dr. John Delony?

  Because I'm afraid he's gonna get to a place where he starts burning so many bridges, he, it's, it's gonna, it will escalate at a pace that he can't, that you can't, that nobody can grab. And then you gotta wait for the rack, the, the wreck. And I don't, I don't wish that on anybody. Um.

• 37:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I'm so sorry I can't be more help, other than to say, you're not out of your mind, but I want you to, the best you can, step all the way back and begin to look at this clearly. And if you have a couple of people in your life that you trust, whether it's a therapist, whether it's some, some good friends, to say, hey, I need some wisdom on this thing. What are y'all seeing too? What are y'all experiencing also? Because this type of behavior is gonna be showing up at his day job. And this type of behavior is gonna be showing up at his side hustle. Um, there's gonna be, there's gonna be messes everywhere. And maybe a

• 38:00Dr. John Delony?

  some sort of intervention, some sort of cohort of people who can sit in the living room and say, hey, we love you too much to let this, let you keep, um, setting your life on fire, maybe. Um. I haven't seen a lot of those be successful in this particular situation with, with bipolar, but maybe that's a shot.

• 38:17Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for the call, sister. Wish I could be more direct help here. Um. But we're with you. And if he ever wants to call on the show, I'm happy to talk to him. Happy, happy to talk to him. We come back, a woman asks how to know if rebuilding a relationship with her estranged dad is healthy or driven by guilt. We'll be right back.

• 38:37Dr. John Delony?

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• 39:20Dr. John Delony?

  right back razor sharp again. And these knives will still be sharp when my great grandkids are cooking with them. Head to MKC.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's MKC.com. All right, we're back. Hit the like, share, subscribe, whatever buttons, and share the episode with friends or family that you think would benefit. That would really be grateful for everybody. Not grateful for everybody. My words aren't working good. That would be awesome for everybody. How about that? And I would be grateful. Kelly, she doesn't have

• 40:02Dr. John Delony?

  a lot of gratitude in her heart and spirit. So who knows? She might be though. Let's go to Wichita, talk to Wichita, Kansas, and talk to Rebecca. Hey Rebecca, what's up?

• 40:14Speaker 02

  Hi, Dr. John. Good morning. How are you?

• 40:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good. How are you?

• 40:18Speaker 02

  Good. Great. Um, so I've listened to your show for quite some time, and I, you know, didn't have any inkling just yet to, you know, put in a question to you. But a few weeks ago, on one of the recent episodes, you had a pastor that, you know, had a conflicting issue with marrying his, his soon to be wife with very controlling parents, or just seeing the, the relationship of the parents were a lot deeper in layers than expected. And that episode definitely spoke to me very much so. Um, so my question is, I have been, no contact with my father up till just August. It's been about 10 years since I just moved

• 41:03Speaker 02

  to Wichita for work. Um, and got a couple of things with, um, kind of textbook. Um, he had an affair for probably 10 plus years, God knows how long, um, with an individual that, you know, kind of suspected, but wasn't shocked. Um, but the, the issue where it came to just cutting clean ties with him was, um, he had a lot of lies that built up the whole deceit show. Um, like, didn't admit that this happened, went through a whole, like, a lot of, um, what's it called? Um, charades to show that, you know, I'm the family

• 41:46Speaker 02

  man. I'm, I'm this, I'm that, all for everybody else except my mom. And when I found out, um, they had told us, like, right after my college graduation, that they were not living together for a couple of years, and didn't realize that because I was out of state, um, and he travels a lot. And, um, there was just enough of things that it's hard because growing up, looking back, he was my best friend. We did almost everything together. Um, everything I've done up till now was his influence, but it happened to be something I was passionate about with my work, with my hobbies, everything. Um, and after my mom

• 42:26Speaker 02

  officially found out, like, when I first moved to Kansas, um, I was like, yep, that was it. You know, I was trying to do my best to put a front with, for my, for my parents to be cordial, but, um, that's when I just decided to just cut off ties. And he's been, every so often, been emailing me in the last 10 years, um, trying to connect back. And I told him, I said, I'm not ready. And when I'm ready, I will reach out, but don't come on my turn, on your turn. Um, and we've seen each other for a couple of funerals, my sister's wedding last year. So we've kind of existed in the space, but it was very weird the first

• 43:09Speaker 02

  few times, um, because it felt like a stranger, but-

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  So are you thinking about reconnecting with him now?

• 43:14Speaker 02

  I have. I have opened up just in August. Um, I, I had an option to invite five people for my master's graduation. And so I extended that, and it was in California. So I, I went ahead and did that. And when I finally did that, um, it felt very, oh my goodness, it felt like I was talking with a work colleague. It was the dad, I have personally, Dr. John, um, since I had cut ties with my dad, I felt like I grieved the dad that I, that raised me. I had come to terms with it. Um, but there has always been the last probably two,

• 43:55Speaker 02

  two, three and a half years, that I'm like, should I reconnect? Do you think, I always check with myself, is it time? Um, should I do it? And I've always either chickened out, or just felt like because he's always advised me what to do for my whole life, I'm like, I'm afraid that once I let him in, he's going to backseat, start backseat driving my life again. So I have come up till now, I'm 30, almost 34, and I've managed 10 years of my adulthood to make myself my own person. So-

• 44:27Dr. John Delony?

  So let me jump in here. So what is it?

• 44:35Dr. John Delony?

  It sounds like the person you don't trust here is you.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Hmm. Okay.

• 44:42Dr. John Delony?

  So if, and you may have heard me say this before, but one of the most disorienting things that I hear from couples who experience somebody cheated on the other, other person, is not only the deceit, right? Not only like the image of you having sex with somebody else, but I, how did I not know? What does that say about me?

• 45:07Dr. John Delony?

  And, or what kind of person am I to have been, not seen the signs and been with somebody who could do that kind of thing? So what I hear often is, yeah, I don't trust my partner anymore, but I've lost trust in me. Or you may have a really strong opinion, like, if you ever cheat on me, I'm, I'm out of here. And then you choose to stay. And then there's that, like, self judgment, like, oh man, I've been judging all these other women, all these other men for staying for all these years. And now I'm that person. Like, and so it's disorienting. And-

• 45:44Speaker 02

  I think, yeah, go ahead, sorry.

• 45:45Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and I, I think one of the cornerstones of adulthood is the both and.

• 45:54Dr. John Delony?

  Because if you're honest, and this is a hard honesty, your dad was really helpful to you.

• 46:04Dr. John Delony?

  And he gave you a lot of building blocks, and he encouraged your passions, and he put a lot of jet fuel in your, in your tank. And

• 46:15Dr. John Delony?

  he destroyed your mom. Both things are true. He blew up your family. And then he lied to everybody about it for years. Both things are true. And I think the, the, in the world we live in now, what we like to do is mine something, one comment somebody made 15, 20 years ago. And we like to drag that and say, that is who that person is. Forget all this other stuff. Or we like to say, if you do good, good, good, good, and then, man, you really messed this up. All of the good gets, gets wiped away. And I think the, the, the

• 46:58Dr. John Delony?

  complexity of being a grown up, the complexity of being well and whole is being able to hold the tension.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. And I feel like too, um, where I feel like this last 10 years have opened my eyes as an adult. So like, I knew that as a child, as a teenager, I couldn't control anything my dad did. So I have accepted that fact a lot. So that's done. However, I feel like what sucks is the last 10 years, I have learned what really, you know, other parents and different parenting styles could do, like what other friends of mine childhood had. Like, frankly, I have told people that, you know, I haven't had contact or relationships with my dad as an adult, but my father-in-law has become more of a dad for me than my own

• 47:48Speaker 02

  dad. And I feel like you're probably hitting a point of that it's maybe an inner me thing that I am starting to second guess myself of like, maybe this is what we should have, I should have had as a relationship, or I sound like I have an expectation going forward of what should be. And it's very hard. And I, I'm trying to, there's a part of me that I'm like, I want to feel like I want to rebuild with my dad. But at the same time, it's, it feels so fake at the same time, too. Because there's so much stuff that's been broken in between that, you know?

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, I want you to, and this is an exercise, right? But I want you to stop saying, I should have. Because you're here now. And I will celebrate the fact that you, you lost your dad.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  And you opened yourself up to let another amazing paternal figure into your life, who's been incredible. And there's gonna come some grief with that, because that should have been your dad, and it wasn't. And there's some joy there, because he showed up, and he's still showing up. That's all great. And wanting it to be either or, all awesome, or all, all bad, just isn't reality. The reality is, it's messy.

• 49:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so, the question you have to ask yourself is not, what I should have done five years ago, or seven years ago, or what? The question is, what are you gonna do now?

• 49:22Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I personally, don't know that you need a big existential why, at this point.

• 49:31Speaker 02

  Okay. Just kinda drip feed it, essentially?

• 49:34Dr. John Delony?

  I think it's good for you to ask yourself, like, um, what am I, what am I hoping to achieve with this relationship?

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:42Dr. John Delony?

  Cause we're re-establishing it, and what do I want this to look like?

• 49:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  And if part of you, now that you're 34, do you have kids yet?

• 49:51Speaker 02

  We're, we're wanting to, and we're trying to, yeah.

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So if part of you, way down in there, underneath your anger, and your heartbreak, and your grief, kinda wishes you still had some of that dad advice, that doesn't make you a bad person, doesn't make you weak. And if some of you is terrified, or all of you is terrified, that he's gonna come in and try to co-manage your life again?

• 50:17Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:19Dr. John Delony?

  You're probably right, but you're 34 years old, you're married, you get to choose what that looks like. And if he chooses to run over your boundaries again, then he is choosing, once again, to not be in a relationship with you.

• 50:33Speaker 02

  That's fair. Yeah. And what I'm, I'm kinda going forward now, um, I think graduation was the first big step, um, because that was on my terms of inviting him in. Um, I, in the last, you know, I'm, I'm not from here, so when I do go visit family back in California, I, I check myself, I'm like, do I wanna meet up with dad this time around? Meh, maybe not, maybe this time. And I've got a couple opportunities going back to California, the remaining of this year, that I'm like, okay, um, do I wanna? Last time I was, I was there last week, and I could've, uh, we just, our schedules couldn't

• 51:17Speaker 02

  connect, but I was like, eh, should I just meet with him? Him and I, you know, cards on the table, kind of open?

• 51:25Dr. John Delony?

  Take should off. Take should off.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 51:29Dr. John Delony?

  And ask yourself, do I wanna go have coffee with this guy? Who I haven't talked to in a decade, who is, is, is basically a stranger? And do I wanna re-establish as though he is somebody that I used to know?

• 51:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:44Dr. John Delony?

  And knowing, I can always just get up and walk out of the coffee shop?

• 51:49Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  I'm a grown up, I'm 34 years old, and I know your body will instantly transform you to 10. I know that's how that works.

• 51:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:58Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Um, but knowing, pre-setting up with your husband, I, I'm gonna text you, and you're gonna come get me. Or, like, what, like, I, I, I'm gonna open my heart up a little bit again. And by doing that, I might get filled up with joy and love, and I might get filled up with more pain. That's the human experience.

• 52:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I think there's a part of me too, there, little detail there, um, he ended up marrying this person, and now has a, I think he's six or seven now?

• 52:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so, so you have a half-sibling.

• 52:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's got his own family, yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a whole lot of things there, I'm trying to unpack myself.

• 52:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I, I think the, I think the lie that, that my community, the mental health community has handed you, is that if you get all these thoughts in the right order, if you do all the thinking about it all, that it'll all make sense, one way or the other. And that's just not how it works. What will make sense is you sitting down and saying, this feels fake, but I don't know you. Kinda like a, like a hinge date.

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, very much.

• 53:04Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so it's like, I, I'm sitting here, hello stranger? Who, by the way, when I was young, gave me life, gave me a bunch of wisdom, put me on a path, it's now the, the path I've been on, and blew my family up.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so, there's something to be said for, I'm in the driver's seat, and I'm gonna have a cup of coffee with this guy.

• 53:37Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:40Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll, I'll tell you on, on this end, whatever imaginary conversations you've had with him, like letting him have it, it will not feel as good as you think it's going to. It just won't. You'll, you'll, you'll end up feeling...

• 53:52Speaker 02

  I think I would be too scared.

• 53:53Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you'll end up feeling more sick.

• 53:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:56Dr. John Delony?

  And on the other side of it, just going there and pretending nothing's happening, being like, dad, I've missed you, that's not true either.

• 54:02Speaker 02

  No.

• 54:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so, something about looking him in the eye and saying, what you did hurt us, but you did hurt me, and I've had 10 years of growing up, and I'm ready to meet you again for the first time.

• 54:17Speaker 02

  Do you think, probably, and I think the first meeting we had was very much felt like, we were pretending like, yeah, we've like, ticked off where kinda strangers are last time I saw him, cause it was a bigger group setting.

• 54:32Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  Um, you think that we can just, because it's just gonna be the two of us, at least in a public environment, just cards on the table, like?

• 54:41Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know him, and I don't, I don't know you.

• 54:44Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:45Dr. John Delony?

  I know I have entered back into, to, a lot of these type of situations.

• 54:50Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 54:51Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm a sucker for sentimentality, I'm a sucker for, I'm overly optimistic all of the time about former relationships.

• 55:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:02Dr. John Delony?

  To, to a, a, a Looney Tune degree. All right? And so, I know that about myself, and I get myself hurt all the time. And it, and it makes my wife sad.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I definitely don't want, and what has been bothering me last 10 years, when he's tried to put him back in himself, is he pulls on the heartstrings of, you know, the memories that we've had together, I was like, I get it, I've got it, it's in my head, and I forever will remember, but stop pulling at that, cause you wanna make me memories.

• 55:31Dr. John Delony?

  If you know he's manipulative, and he's trying to get his hooks back in you, then I would, I would stay away.

• 55:38Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 55:39Dr. John Delony?

  And if he is a heartbroken dad, who knows he blew up, up everything, and is trying to move on, but he's got a humongous daughter-sized hole in his heart?

• 55:47Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:49Dr. John Delony?

  He probably thinks of those memories every single day. And so, I'm not gonna fault somebody, if, if I know somebody is, is trying, I'm not gonna fault if the way they're trying isn't the most perfect way. And you're gonna have to choose to not be led by feelings, cause none of this will quote-unquote, feel right as it's happening. You're gonna have to have a pre-established, if he says these things, I'm gonna say, hey, I don't wanna talk about that. If he starts lying again, or if he, like, what, I'm gonna get up and walk out, if he's disrespectful, or rude, or ugly, whatever. And if he says, I've missed my daughter, how can I make this right? I'd like to get to know you again?

• 56:34Dr. John Delony?

  You have an amazing little stepsister, little stepbrother? Like, you get to decide what that looks like, and it's gonna feel awkward, and it's gonna feel uncomfortable, and it's gonna feel like, I just wanna hug him so tight, until his head pops off, and I wanna hit him as hard as I can, all those feelings are gonna be all over the place. Can we have those feelings, and trust ourselves enough to stick to, the purpose of this conversation is to say hello? Just say hello. And if we don't wanna do that, we're not gonna do that. But we're gonna take the shoulds off the table, cause you'll get buried in shoulds, and you're gonna get buried in should-haves, and you're gonna get buried in maybes.

• 57:17Dr. John Delony?

  I'm 34, I've got my life, I've got some great support, I got a great husband, I got a great gang, we're working on starting a family, um, but I miss my dad. The good and not the bad. So maybe I'll have a cup of coffee, or maybe I won't. You're the grown up now, so you get to make that call.

• 57:41Dr. John Delony?

  But as a sucker, I would go on that, go have coffee. Cause that's, that's the life I've chosen to live. And more often than not, I get my heart broken. And when I don't get my heart broken, I've got some life, life, life, ride or die lifelong friends.

• 58:01Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I went and had that cup of coffee. So it's a risk and such is relationships and love and life. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

• 58:10Dr. John Delony?

  Here's something most people don't think about. You wake up a little stiff, a little tired and you figure that's just how sleep is nowadays. But the truth is you've gotten so used to the mattress you've been sleeping on for the last 10 or 15 or 20 years, that you don't even realize how bad your mattress actually is. And it may be while you're not sleeping well. And I gotta say this too, old mattresses get gross. Now is the time to finally get a new mattress and switch to Helix. Sleeping on a Helix mattress will help you sleep better and better sleep affects everything else, including your attitude, your emotional regulation and your health.

• 58:51Dr. John Delony?

  With more than 20 different mattress models, Helix has a mattress designed just for you. Whether you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, whether you sleep hot or you and your partner have different needs, you need Helix. Get online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and Helix will match you with a mattress built around how you actually sleep. I sleep on a Helix mattress every night. It's the mattress I have in every room of my house and it's the mattress I recommend to all of my friends and all of my family. You don't know what you've been putting up with when it comes to your mattress until you finally make the switch and wake up feeling rested and restored. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney to save 20% off site wide this month.

• 59:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's Helix, H E L I X, helixsleep.com/deloney or click the link in the description. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 59:46Dr. John Delony?

  All right, something awesome happened. What is it Kelly?

• 59:49Speaker 03

  All right, this is from Sarah in Indiana. I'm not going to try and name the town because I can't pronounce it. So she's in Indiana.

• 59:57Dr. John Delony?

  We're working on a reading good.

• 59:59Speaker 03

  We are. Well, I'll, I just, I'm going to pronounce it wrong.

• 1:00:02Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, you're going to get there Kelly. Don't give up. Don't give up.

• 1:00:06Speaker 03

  You're an ass.

• 1:00:09Speaker 03

  I can read that.

• 1:00:10Dr. John Delony?

  You can read that. That's only, that word's only got three letters in it.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  But it's one I use a lot.

• 1:00:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you do.

• 1:00:17Speaker 03

  All right. So Sarah writes, not really a question, but I'm not great with technology and clicking the link in the show notes is like asking me to find Narnia. So here we are.

• 1:00:26Dr. John Delony?

  Amen. Sarah, shout out. Shout out. I still don't even know what a link in the show notes is.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  All right. I want to thank you for the incredibly important work you and your team are doing. I am the adult child of emotionally immature parents. I have a raging case of ADHD. I'm the wife to an incredible man who has stuck by me during a lot of bad behavior that I wasn't aware of. And the cherry on top is that I'm a young female criminal defense attorney in rural Indiana, running my own private practice and also maintaining a public defender caseload. My goodness, Sarah.

• 1:00:57Dr. John Delony?

  Gravy on a stick.

• 1:00:58Speaker 03

  Seriously.

• 1:00:59Dr. John Delony?

  Sarah's a gangster dude.

• 1:01:01Speaker 03

  I started my own mental health journey earlier this year and your podcast and book have become a part of that journey. More importantly, you are free therapy I can connect my clients to in an area where with very limited resources. I share relevant episodes with my clients and I keep your book and workbook in stock on my free mental health library in my lobby. So thank you for all of these life-changing resources.

• 1:01:23Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, that's awesome. Shout out Sarah for being just a gangster. That's awesome. And thank you for, man, I have high, high, high respect for folks who are on the public defender registry who help out folks in their communities and especially in rural communities. That's, that is a special kind of person who does that. So kudos to you. And thanks for sending the show around. This show should never be mistaken for therapy. I'm just a goofball on a podcast, but I do appreciate you sharing the episodes for folks you think might benefit from it. Thank you so much for caring for your community. It's awesome. Way to go Sarah. See Kelly, that's what, that's what a good person does with their life.

• 1:02:07Speaker 03

  How would you know?

• 1:02:10Dr. John Delony?

  Love you guys. Bye.

• 1:02:19Speaker 04

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• 1:02:24Speaker 05

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