Caller: “Is My Relationship With My Kids Unhealthy?”

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ On today’s episode, we hear about: A mom wondering if she has an unhealthy attachment to her kids A wife considering whether to hide her inheritance from her husband A woman unsure if her sister is the product of an affair Next Steps: 📚 Read Finding Meaning. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. 💬 Get the Free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony ❤ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  How do I make sure that I'm not outsourcing my need for connection onto my kids after being single for five years and dealing with loneliness? It just has started to make me wonder like, Matt, is sometimes the things that I do or like the affection I give them, is it more like for me than it is for them?

• 0:32Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh, great question.

• 0:40Dr. John Delony?

  What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people. I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes if you want to talk about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriage, what's going on in your kids' schools, whatever you've got going on, give me a call and I'll sit down with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Calgary, Alberta and talk to Samantha. Hey Samantha, what's up?

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, thanks for calling. What's going on?

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, so my question is, how do I make sure that I'm not outsourcing my need for connection onto my kids after being single for five years and dealing with loneliness?

• 1:23Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa, great question.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, where's the line on like appropriate connection versus me creating unhealthy codependency?

• 1:31Dr. John Delony?

  Oh my gosh, great question. What sparked this question? Was there a thing that happened and you were like, that's probably too much?

• 1:40Speaker 01

  Well, it's funny because summer is usually the hardest time when it comes to this because throughout like school year, my kids are only gone every other weekend and then during the summer, they're gone for like bigger chunks of time.

• 1:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  And so it then just kind of, when they come home, it's like the biggest deal to me, right? Because obviously like they've been gone for so long and so it just has started to make me wonder like, Matt, is sometimes the things that I do or like the affection I give them, is it, is it more like for me than it is for them? What's the line of, and I don't know if this is because like I don't have a partner to kind of glean some of that from too, if, if I'm just like looking to them for it?

• 2:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Let me say out of the gate, I mean, I've got a ride or die partner. It's awesome. And when my kids are gone for a week during a summer camp or something, I'm so over the top when they get home. And I want them to feel that their dad was happy that they're home.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:46Dr. John Delony?

  Like, like I don't mind telling my 10-year-old daughter, I miss dad hugs. I don't mind telling my 16-year-old son, I missed, I missed my morning Hank hug, right? So like that, that's awesome. I want your kids to know that mom's life is better when they're home. Okay? It's not a bad thing. It will make going to college hard and all that, but who cares? Like I want them to know that mom, that the home is not complete when you're not here, which is really hard in a co-parenting situation like you're in, right?

• 3:20Dr. John Delony?

  The other side of that is, I don't know how this works and I'm sure Huberman could give me a breakdown of the neurochemistry. I don't fully understand it all. I have, it's been my experience that kids know when they're, they are responsible for their parents' emotional needs.

• 3:41Dr. John Delony?

  It's like sitting in a, like a backpack, it's like wearing a backpack and then suddenly like you click the shoulder straps and the around the waist strap, like I'm carrying them, right? And so for you, I think the balance is you don't have a spouse and I hear some longing there, you're like, you don't have a partner. But also, I would ask you, do you have a gang of friends that you tell the dark stuff and the good stuff to? Do you have a group of friends that y'all do stuff regularly, especially when the kids aren't home? Do your kids, can they feel on you that you've got other adults carrying the emotional weight of adult friendships and adult relationships so that when they're home, you can have appropriate,

• 4:23Dr. John Delony?

  mom's just going to be ridiculous about you guys being here, relationships? You get what I'm saying?

• 4:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, and I definitely do have, like I've created a really great community and I have an amazing family and like it's, it's just more so like, I don't, I don't know if like me missing out on time with them and them being in this situation that I never wanted for them in the first place has just made, changed my perspective on like being a parent? Or if it's just, I don't, I don't know, I kind of have a hard time like articulating it, but.

• 4:57Dr. John Delony?

  Let me see if this helps. Parents should not be able to breathe when their kids are gone for two or three weeks.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:04Dr. John Delony?

  That we shouldn't norm that.

• 5:08Dr. John Delony?

  And so a he, like a big chunk of your heart is out running around somewhere where you're not. That's never been that way in all of human history until recently.

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  Forever, for all of human history, that hasn't been the way it is.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  Especially for moms.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so it should never, I hope it never becomes comfortable. I hope it never becomes norm. Now, you should have 24 hours of ah, right? Nobody's feeling like, hey, can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I like, like there is a, an exhale.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right? For me, it's about 12, it used to be 24 hours and it's, it's, it's getting shorter and shorter. It's about 12 hours for me.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:55Dr. John Delony?

  When they're gone, I'm just like, I can watch whatever I want to watch at whatever volume I want to watch. I can eat whatever, like it's awesome for 12 hours and then I'm miserable.

• 6:05Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And that's, I don't want you ever apologizing for that.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's even just like more so like when they're home for Christmas at a month of time, like I just, I don't, like it's, like they'll give me a hug or like we'll sit on the couch and like cuddle or like every once in a while, I let one of them have a sleepover in my bed with me. And it's just like, sometimes it's just like they're just filling my cup so much.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  All of that is awesome Samantha. Don't stop doing any of that.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 6:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  Don't ever, we still have couch pile at our house. I got a 16-year-old now and it's, it's turned into, and this is totally age appropriate, you gotta at least come watch part of this movie with us, right? Like, and he's like, come on guys. And that's exactly what he should be doing at that age, but we still do our absolute best to have as many dinners around the table as we can.

• 7:07Dr. John Delony?

  I still on a regular basis, like all, I don't want to tell you about my family even anymore, this is about you and your family. Yes, and yes, and yes.

• 7:18Dr. John Delony?

  Let your kids fill your cup, but don't make it their responsibility when it's, when it's getting low.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  But I think my question though is like, what does that look like? Like what are the little things I can watch out for to make sure that it doesn't?

• 7:34Dr. John Delony?

  Um, are you?

• 7:43Dr. John Delony?

  Are you asking them to carry secrets for you?

• 7:47Speaker 01

  No, not at all.

• 7:48Dr. John Delony?

  Are you asking them to, um, when you get sad, is it their job to make you less sad?

• 7:59Speaker 01

  No. But it was that, sometimes they'll see me be upset about something and I'll just tell them, mom's just sad right now. And I mean, sometimes they'll give me a hug and I'll just tell them like, thanks, I really needed that, but.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  I don't know if that's like not appropriate though either.

• 8:22Dr. John Delony?

  That's all, that means you're A, showing your kids that you're a full human being and B, they have a nat, a natural human response, which is to lean into the people in their tribes hurt and hug. Like all of that is right and good. I'm, I'm, I'm not confused because I know we live in a crazy world. I'm just, I guess it breaks my heart that you're wondering if that's right.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Well, I, I think like the, the bottom line with that is like, I've just seen them experience so much hurt over the past few years and like maybe I'm carrying some guilt. Like I don't ever want to be the source of it.

• 9:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  You know, and so I think it's become where I just like, I'm overthinking things now.

• 9:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Because I so badly do not want to put anything else on them, you know?

• 9:13Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna, I'm gonna speak as honestly and boldly as I can, but I want you to hear me say, I'm 1,000% on your team. Is that cool?

• 9:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:24Dr. John Delony?

  All right, paint me a picture of the divorce.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, it wasn't good.

• 9:32Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Like their dad walked out when my son was three months old.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  And I, yeah, I just dealt with a whole ton of rejection. There was a lot of things during the divorce where he just started spewing things that were so untrue and tried to paint me out to be a bad mom, which at the core, like I know if out of anything that I am, I know I'm a good mom.

• 10:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  And so I think there's just, because of, like I tried to shield them from that as much as I could when I was going through it, right? But I just, and I see like on their end, like he doesn't reach out, he doesn't come to anything outside of like his weekends, right? And so I just see on them too, like how much like at certain times, like pain it's caused them.

• 10:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  And so I just don't want to ever be a source of that for them.

• 10:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So how old are they?

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Seven and five.

• 10:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So here's the uncomfortable truth that you know, but I'm just gonna say it out loud.

• 10:45Dr. John Delony?

  They're, they're gonna suffer a lot.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  They're gonna be in a lot of pain.

• 10:51Dr. John Delony?

  And their, their world is unsteady now. Cause dad walked out.

• 11:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, no kid should endure that. No wife should endure that with, especially with a three month old baby, right? Right? Like, all of this is wrong.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:09Dr. John Delony?

  And so trying to shield them from all of that is, is, it's not even a good use of your energy because it's happened, right? So, um,

• 11:23Dr. John Delony?

  if, if, if, I'm from Houston, so there was a lot of hurricanes growing up. If there's a hurricane bearing down on my house and I grabbed my two kids when they were younger and I shield them with my body as that thing destroys our home. That's right and good.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  But if the sun comes out the next morning and every, my house is in rubble and I won't let them stand up. Now I'm suffocating them, right?

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:52Dr. John Delony?

  And if I continue to hunch over them and say, no, y'all can't leave. And if, if y'all get out from under my shadow, underneath like my, if y'all get out from under my body, um, I'm, I'm gonna fall. Y'all need to hold me up. Then that's tough. But knowing, hey, this, our whole house is gone now. And not for one second do I want y'all to feel like y'all are alone in this. I'm right here. Cause my, my house is blown up too.

• 12:24Dr. John Delony?

  It's not gonna put the house back together right away. But they will have an anchored sturdy presence in their life forever. And that will be you.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 12:35Dr. John Delony?

  And your kids will always wonder what was so bad about them that dad left.

• 12:41Dr. John Delony?

  And as they get older and he tries to be cool dad and they're gonna, I mean, you're gonna, you'll deal with that, right? Dad lets us do whatever. I know, but when you're here, we don't. You're the worst mom, I can't. That will be part of weathering this whole thing. You just got put on a roller coaster that you had never intended to get on.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:01Dr. John Delony?

  And it'll have big highs and big lows. But I don't ever want you to doubt ever hugging your, your kids. I don't want you to ever doubt moments when you're just overcome by the grief and you're sobbing and your five year old says, mommy, what's wrong? And you say, mommy's really sad right now. And they come give you a hug. You, if you want to get really technical, maybe you, you look at your kid and say, you have magic hugs and they make mommy feel better. That's a little bit different than I need this right now, right? But I don't even mind that.

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  I don't even mind that.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:37Dr. John Delony?

  You're doing a pretty great job in a, in a pretty crappy situation.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 13:43Dr. John Delony?

  How long is, how long ago did this all happen?

• 13:46Speaker 01

  Um, well, we've, I mean, after my son was born, it's.

• 13:52Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so it's been several years, okay.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, like we've been divorced for two.

• 13:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 13:57Speaker 01

  Um, the process took a while, but yeah, it was just.

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a part of you that this is still unfolding, this new reality is still unfolding in front of you?

• 14:08Speaker 01

  I think maybe it's the grief that, cause like I grew up in such an incredible, stable home.

• 14:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  And even to this day, my family is so close and never in a million years did I once even picture that like, this would be my situation or my dream for my family. So I think it's just like really painful that like, I've even had a better experience growing up than what like they've experienced at this point, and that just really hurts.

• 14:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Cause they're my kids.

• 14:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And that hurts right.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:39Dr. John Delony?

  It's not a bad thing that you have that hurt.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:45Dr. John Delony?

  Them constantly walking around knowing mom had a way better run than we did, that's probably not helpful for them, right?

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  But mom being.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  I mean, on the other end, I'm highly, having my family too, that they can also anchor into is really cool to see too.

• 15:00Dr. John Delony?

  You've got a great support network. That's what families are for.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:04Dr. John Delony?

  And you've probably got annoying cousins or uncles or whatever. But yeah, they've got a good anchor support system. That's amazing. It's awesome.

• 15:15Dr. John Delony?

  But the grief of all of this is real. Somebody walked into your pretty great life and blew it up. And then blamed you for it.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. That's grief, that's grief. I want you to pick up a book by, I think, one of the greatest writers out there, David Kessler, and it's called Finding Meaning.

• 15:38Dr. John Delony?

  It's what I think is the best book on grief ever written. And it does talk about grief of like family member loss or child loss, but also it's just a, it's a bigger picture of grief and how to process it and what do you do next? And it's a masterpiece. And I give it to friends of mine who have significant loss. I give it to, I've read it multiple times. It's just a masterpiece, but I think it's worth reading and it will probably resonate with you a lot.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  But you're a good mom.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 16:14Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good mom. And your kids knowing that my mom is honest and my mom has, you telling your kids that you're sad gives them permission to be sad too. You telling your kids that you have a broken heart gives your kids permission to feel like they've got a broken heart. And then this is the burden of being a parent, they're gonna watch how you handle it.

• 16:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so if you, they see you after their hug with mom and she said, you go polish a bottle of wine, they're gonna learn like, oh, that's how we deal with this. We numb it, right? If they see mom's sad, we're, we're gonna go have dinner and then we're having couch pile, we're gonna, everybody, we're gonna paper, rock, scissors for who gets to watch the, the show they want to watch. Then they're gonna get that lived experience of, mom is home.

• 17:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 17:13Dr. John Delony?

  And that's just gonna be an anchor point to them for their whole lives in a world that feels at times anchorless. And when dad, when they come in and say, why didn't dad call?

• 17:25Dr. John Delony?

  Why doesn't dad want to? You can sit with them and say,

• 17:29Dr. John Delony?

  that's a big feeling and I, it makes me sad for you. I'll sit here with you. And let them know I'm not scared of your feelings. And that will teach them, they don't need to be scared of their feelings too. You're doing a great job. I hate this for you, hate this for your kids, hate that y'all are in this situation.

• 17:45Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, having a, a group of adults that you anchor into on a regular basis so that you can repel off the side and just delight in the chaos and madness of having a five and seven year old and their individual personalities and their individualness. It's magic. It's making the best of a really messy situation. You're a blessing to them. When we come back, a woman asks if she should keep her inheritance separate from her husband if she doesn't feel safe in their marriage. We'll be right back.

• 18:20Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:04Dr. John Delony?

  Xander shops the top rated companies to find the best coverage options for your needs and your budget. And you'll find out covering both of you probably costs a lot less than you think it will. With term life from Xander, you have peace of mind that your family will always be taken care of. I've used Xander for most of my adult life and my wife and I sleep better knowing that both of us are covered with life insurance and we both know that our family will be protected. What you do is irreplaceable, but if something happens to you, term life insurance helps protect your family no matter whose name is on the paycheck. Get this done today by going to xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free quote.

• 19:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's xander with a Z dot com or click the link in the description.

• 19:53Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Portland, Oregon. Let's talk to Wendy. Hey Wendy, what's up?

• 19:58Speaker 01

  Hi, Dr. John, how are you?

• 20:00Dr. John Delony?

  Great, how are you?

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Doing all right.

• 20:03Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on?

• 20:06Speaker 02

  Um, so yeah, my husband and I, um, we've been together seven years, married for four. Uh, the last couple of years have been pretty rough in our relationship. Um, we have a one, almost two-year-old. Um, and ultimately, the question is, um, sadly, my grandmother passed away recently. Um, and because my mother has already also passed away, I'll be getting a pretty big sum of money as an inheritance. Um, my husband has threatened to leave many times, at least 10 times. Um, and because of that, I'm hesitant to combine this money with our joint accounts.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  Um, I've talked to a lawyer and apparently if I keep the money in a separate personal account, um, and don't use it on any like communal expenses, um, and then we were to divorce in the future, which is not what I want, um, that money would not be something that he could ask for in the divorce. Um, all that to say, I don't want to make the marriage worse, um, but I also kind of want to protect myself.

• 21:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean, 1,000%. When you, when you say it's gotten quote unquote, "pretty rough," what does that mean?

• 21:27Speaker 02

  Uh, we've been through quite a bit, um, infertility and, and we almost lost our daughter when I was, um, six months pregnant and, um, then just becoming parents has been a real, really hard transition.

• 21:43Dr. John Delony?

  Why is your husband threatened divorce up to 10 times?

• 21:47Speaker 02

  Uh, he would say that all of the problems are on me. Um, and I will admit that my easiest coping mechanism when we're arguing or fighting is to have a glass of wine or two and just kind of numb out and avoid the situation. Um, I would say that I feel like I live in a failure factory, uh, where everything I do is criticized and not enough and I'm doing it wrong and I'm a bad mom and, uh, things like that are what most of our fights revolve around.

• 22:33Dr. John Delony?

  So to me, the, the money is, is the inheritance here is less of the quote unquote issue and there's some, there's some practical things that everyone needs to, I mean, you need to do to keep yourself safe and, and be wise, right? But to me, it's a, it's a revealer. It just, it just pulled the curtain back.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 22:57Dr. John Delony?

  Um, geez, like, you're in a mess, no question about it, and numbing out of the guilt factory, the failure factory is a normal response, okay? It's not healthy, you know this, I know this, but it's normal.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:13Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have a problem with alcohol?

• 23:16Speaker 02

  I do, yeah.

• 23:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Are you seeking treatment?

• 23:20Speaker 02

  I am, yeah. I'm in both individual therapy, um, my brother and I both kind of struggle with the same things and we talk almost every day and I've been to groups and things like that and right now I think it's okay. I think it's under control.

• 23:36Dr. John Delony?

  Are you sober?

• 23:36Speaker 02

  Am I perfect? Uh, for like a week now, but, um...

• 23:41Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, can I just congratulate you? Seven days is a long time.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks.

• 23:45Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not playing. I, come on, for real. Seven days is a long time.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Thanks.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  Uh, he also smokes marijuana every day, um, but according to him, that's not a problem.

• 23:58Dr. John Delony?

  Of course it's not, but here's the thing. If going to groups and clawing your way through seven days of sobriety, it will teach you anything. It is, you can only control you, what you do next minute, next hour, next day.

• 24:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:15Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you'll also, especially seven days, and it will get real, real bad during this next week.

• 24:25Dr. John Delony?

  Is...

• 24:26Speaker 02

  You know, I've made it for a couple of months at a time.

• 24:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Well...

• 24:29Speaker 02

  Here and there, and then I tell myself, "Oh, it's not a problem anymore."

• 24:32Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right. So, so I want you to be honest about sobriety.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:38Dr. John Delony?

  And also, I want you to be honest about when you remove that crutch from you, your normal just walking through the world, how bad is that knee injury? And the knee injury here being your marriage.

• 24:51Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:52Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 24:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:55Dr. John Delony?

  And if you have to drink to survive being at your own house and your own home with your own partner, that's a, I mean, every alarm bell you have should be ringing.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  That's how it feels, yeah.

• 25:08Dr. John Delony?

  And if he has to smoke weed to stay present in his, or to the illusion of staying present in his own house, that should be an alarm that he needs to attend to.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:22Dr. John Delony?

  Are you safe?

• 25:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, definitely, um, physically safe. Um, a lot of yelling and screaming and sometimes throwing things, but he's never harmed me.

• 25:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's, that's not safe.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yelling is different than...

• 25:40Speaker 02

  I drive to home most days.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Yelling is different than screaming and smashing things and throwing things is different than screaming.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:48Dr. John Delony?

  There's a trend line, there's an escalation. You see what I'm saying?

• 25:51Speaker 02

  Yep, yep.

• 25:52Dr. John Delony?

  How old's your little one?

• 25:54Speaker 02

  She'll be two in November.

• 25:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I'm not kicking you while you're down, I'm just saying the obvious, but she's absorbing every bit of this.

• 26:01Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm, I know.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, she already, um, has like, kind of telltale signs when he starts getting worked up.

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but she also has, she also can feel you as you're getting closer and closer home.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:19Dr. John Delony?

  She feels the tension in the car rise.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Imperceptibly, she sees you grab the steering wheel a little bit tighter. She sees your breathing get shallower and shallower until you just have to run in and grab a glass of wine.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, um, this is second marriages for both of us and, um, my previous marriage, I didn't want to get in fights and so I took a lot of financial hits from that as well.

• 26:50Dr. John Delony?

  Is your money combined in every other way, outside of this potential inheritance?

• 26:55Speaker 02

  It is, yeah.

• 26:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, are y'all responsible together financially?

• 27:04Speaker 02

  What do you mean by that?

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  Do y'all make plans together? Do y'all stick to a plan and y'all live it out when it comes to how you spend money, what you buy, how y'all share things, your retirement plans?

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Yes and no. Um, he's definitely more of the spender, um, and kind of when he wants something, he will just buy it.

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  He'll come and ask me, like, he wanted a new car a couple, like, a year and a half ago, and I said, "You don't need a new car, we have a perfectly fine car." Uh, "Well, I found this really good deal and I really wanted it, it's my dream car." And I said, "I'm really not comfortable with that," and two days later, he drove home with the car.

• 27:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  So...

• 27:49Speaker 02

  So, yeah, things like that make me uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I'm like, trying to pay off my student loans and...

• 27:55Dr. John Delony?

  But y'all, but y'all aren't making a plan to pay off y'all's student loan debt together?

• 28:02Speaker 02

  Not really, no.

• 28:03Dr. John Delony?

  All right. And, and what I'm, what I'm digging for here is, are y'all just, are y'all living parallel lives anyway? It sounds like you're both, your roommates trying to survive an unhealthy living situation and then one of you just is about to get a big check.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  That, that feels accurate, yeah.

• 28:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, yes, follow your attorney's ideas, because there is, there is truth to that, right? Especially depending on what state you're in, but often, maybe in every state, but I know in most states, inheritance can be kept separate.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:42Dr. John Delony?

  But to me, that's not even, even close to the biggest part of this conversation. The biggest part of this conversation is you asking yourself and dealing with the grief of a second marriage that didn't work out, a, like, a true alarm system going off, "I've got to deal with my sobriety, I gotta be clear-minded for me and my daughter."

• 29:05Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:06Dr. John Delony?

  And what is, what does that reveal? When I stop using the thing that helps me survive this, which is numbing out, what does that reveal about how safe this thing actually is?

• 29:16Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:17Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, he says if I, you know, was completely sober, then he would be happy and we would never get in arguments, but I have not found that to be true.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  So...

• 29:32Dr. John Delony?

  Do you want to stay married to him?

• 29:34Speaker 02

  I do, yeah.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  To him or to the idea?

• 29:41Speaker 02

  That's a hard question.

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's honestly the only question that you should answer.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Right. Um, you know, I do love him, um, we have had really good times, um, and I just feel like we're in this like, cycle that just goes round and round where he gets upset, I drink, we have a big blow up and then, okay, we're gonna be better and then it's better for a week or two and then the whole thing just happens again.

• 30:14Dr. John Delony?

  And so the only, the only, the only way it works is y'all have to clear the deck and you can't be the only one. It's very, very rare that all of a relationship's issues are piled on one person.

• 30:31Dr. John Delony?

  If someone has like true mental illness, if somebody has true, um, violent addiction, like, yes, like, "I'm stopping the presses, you gotta stop doing X, Y, or Z."

• 30:44Dr. John Delony?

  But in a situation like this, it sounds co-creative, right? You said it just, it's that, it's that cycle, it's like a figure eight. And the worst part of the figure eight is y'all occasionally meet in the middle and y'all have, y'all laugh your guts out, or you have a wild tour night of wild fun sex and then all of a sudden you're like, "Oh, we're back." Or he's extra nice one day, or you're super sober one day. And it's just, it's, everything's clear and good. And it feels like that's normal. And then you head off on your side of the figure eight, he heads off on his side. And that's the reality, right?

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so y'all clearing the deck and saying, here's what must be true for me. And here's a path I want you to walk and vice versa. And if he says, I'm not walking any path, I'm not changing. You're the one needs to change.

• 31:35Dr. John Delony?

  Then you've got some hard choices to make.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  I worry if I tell him about the money, that will be like his final straw to actually weave.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that, that statement right there is all you need to know.

• 31:52Dr. John Delony?

  But if you haven't been clear with him, it sounds like he's been clear with you. You have to stop drinking and all of our problems will go away. Okay. I, I hear you. I'm going to make sobriety a number one priority in my life for the next 90 days. I might even go to impatient because if my brother's dealing with it too, that tells me that y'all had a pretty rough growing up also. There's some, there's some, there's some pretty caustic demons in there that you're battling. And I'm gonna go deal with them. And here's what I need from you. No more weed in the house, no more weed at all.

• 32:25Dr. John Delony?

  We share finances, which means we share debts. So that means we share futures, that means we share everything. If he says, I'm not doing any of that, then what you know is y'all aren't going to rebuild your marriage. He's going to sit in a lawn chair with a joint and watch you rebuild the marriage. And it will never work that way.

• 32:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess I, I do keep thinking if I could just do the right thing or say the right thing. Or be the right way for long enough. I could fix this.

• 32:56Dr. John Delony?

  You have abuse in your childhood?

• 33:01Speaker 02

  Like verbal, my dad was pretty rough growing up.

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  The sentiment you just explained is very common for somebody who grew up knowing parental love is either unsafe or it's been weaponized.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, a super conservative background. And if you perform this way, you are loved. And if not.

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Like my oldest brother got kicked out.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  So yeah, I think here, here's a path, you can only control you. So the path I, I would give to you is you be honest with you. What must I do to become whole and well? And if it means taking 30 days or 60 days by yourself and saying, we're going to have a structured separation for a season. Where I'm going to seek sobriety, I'm going to seek peace. I want to drive into my home and walk in the front door and my shoulders drop and I smile real big because I'm home. Not, I am so amped up when I walk through that door, I have to head straight to the fridge. I feel like I have to head straight to the fridge and grab a glass of wine or straight to the cabinet and grab a glass of wine. So that I can deal with what's coming.

• 34:11Dr. John Delony?

  A structured separation may be perfect here. And a structured separation has to have a clear path. We will meet at this date, at this restaurant, at this time, under these conditions to reevaluate. Or maybe you don't need a structured separation, but you need to ask yourself, what must I do to be the best version of myself? Given the situation I'm in and what will that look like? And I think you've got to start with sobriety. I think now's the time. You got a two-year-old.

• 34:39Dr. John Delony?

  You can't get sober for her, but you can get sober for you because you're worth it. And she will be a direct beneficiary of that.

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, I think right now, given all the uncertainty in your home, I would follow your attorney's advice. I'm going to put this to the side for a bit and we're going to go from there.

• 34:56Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry that you're in this situation. It's heartbreaking, heartbreaking, heartbreaking.

• 35:02Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call. We come back, a woman asks what to do with her dad's revelation that her sister may not be his biological daughter. We'll be right back.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times. But then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying.

• 35:52Dr. John Delony?

  They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall isn't a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash Deloney.

• 36:29Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Hey, go over to the App Store and pick up the Together app. It's six bucks. You can do it by yourself or you can bring your spouse for free. Listen, it is a game changer for your marriage. Whether you're feeling exhausted, whether you're struggling with communication, struggling with sex and intimacy. It will give you daily challenges and daily prompts. And we're building an educational teaching. It's just awesome. And the reviews keep coming in, thousands and thousands of people are using this thing. It gives them action steps back towards the marriage that they want. And more importantly, back towards loving their partner well. So go check it out in the App Store. The Together app by Dr. John Deloney.

• 37:14Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go to Victoria, British Columbia and talk to Jennifer. Hey Jennifer, what's up?

• 37:19Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John. I was calling because my father recently revealed to me that he thinks my sister is not his biological daughter. And I'm just not sure what to do with that information.

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 37:38Speaker 03

  I'm in my mid 50s.

• 37:39Dr. John Delony?

  How old is he?

• 37:43Speaker 03

  90.

• 37:46Dr. John Delony?

  What, why now? Why did he pass this along to you now?

• 37:50Speaker 03

  Question.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  I'm not sure if it's just something that he needed to get off his chest.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  I had been, I was on the phone with him requesting some paperwork, paperwork that my mother, mother had, excuse me, had asked me to get from him. And I, they're divorced by the way, and it wasn't amicable.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  So I'm often the person in the middle that takes care of these tasks. And usually that goes pretty well, but I think something triggered him there. And he went on a little bit of storytelling about how my mom cheated on him. And the result is he doesn't think that my sister is his daughter.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  Is him telling you that, did that, did you go, ah? Or was your impulse disbelief?

• 38:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, a shock and disbelief because as you said, why now? And what do I do with this?

• 38:53Dr. John Delony?

  Did he tell you, did he tell you, don't tell anybody? Don't tell your sister?

• 38:56Speaker 03

  No, no, he didn't.

• 38:58Dr. John Delony?

  Does your sister have any idea about this?

• 39:00Speaker 03

  No.

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  What a mess.

• 39:13Dr. John Delony?

  I think there's two separate relationships here. That your dad just set on fire a little bit. One is your relationship with him. Actually, there's three. One, your relationship with him, one, your relationship with your mom. And one with your sister now.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right, are you close with your sister?

• 39:33Speaker 03

  I'm close with all of my family. Yeah.

• 39:36Dr. John Delony?

  So.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  I'm a bit bummed because I'm a little annoyed at my dad right now. And then I did something that I'm really ashamed of, which was because I was so shell shocked.

• 39:49Speaker 03

  I went and drank half a bottle of wine and then texted my mom, which was just a horrible, horrible thing to do.

• 39:59Speaker 03

  Put her on the spot, like, what was she supposed to say to me?

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Yes, it's true.

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, yeah.

• 40:09Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, family secrets have a way of not staying secret forever.

• 40:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I guess so. I guess, I guess I just think it's not her obligation to tell me that kind of information.

• 40:23Speaker 03

  It hurts.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 40:35Dr. John Delony?

  I, she's, she's lied to y'all for, for 40 or 50 years.

• 40:41Speaker 03

  Well, that is true.

• 40:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And so.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  You and I can both sit here and if we were eating, sharing a plate of nachos, I would, I would laugh, laughingly, but not funny laugh, but like, of course, you know, that was dumb to not drink a bottle of wine and start bomb texting your, your elderly mother, right? Of course. So let's move that out of the way. Um, you got a grenade dropped in your lap and you hot potatoed it to the person next to you. Is that the right thing to do? No, it happened. Let's move on. So I got some great, I got a lot of grace for you in that moment. Okay? Cool. So the reality is A, there's been a ongoing lie for most of your life.

• 41:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:24Dr. John Delony?

  And that's hard to metabolize.

• 41:28Dr. John Delony?

  Especially if your first impulse is mom would never do that. That's not who she is.

• 41:34Dr. John Delony?

  Or that's not who she was.

• 41:38Dr. John Delony?

  Especially if your dad has, is a pretty stoic guy and then suddenly just starts deathbed confessional, dropping all kinds of wild family history on you. Right?

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  The relationship, and this is gonna sound screwy, the relationship I'm most concerned about here is you and your sister.

• 41:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  Because with the advancements in

• 42:03Dr. John Delony?

  medical biology, she's gonna find out at some point and the question will be, can you believe it? And you're gonna be forced because of your parents dishonesty to choose whether you're gonna be honest or not. And so what I would love for you to do is to put a stake in the ground. I won't be like them too. I will tell the truth. I will be a person who tells the truth.

• 42:27Dr. John Delony?

  Which means I'm close with my sister. And by the way, your sister's gonna be who's left after the next few years. That relationship's gonna, could go on for another 40 years.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 42:40Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna sit down, I'm gonna look her in the eye and say, I love you and I heard some wild stuff and I know it's gonna be, it's gonna, it might shatter your world. I will be right here with you through all of it.

• 42:53Speaker 03

  Oh God, I don't have the courage to do that.

• 42:57Dr. John Delony?

  I'll just ask you, please don't put her in a situation where she finds out and she looks at you like you looked at your mother and your dad.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  What if it's not true though?

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  Great. Wonderful.

• 43:09Speaker 03

  I know.

• 43:10Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's a simple, it's a simple genetic test. Simple, easy, easy.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Yeah. And if it is true.

• 43:20Dr. John Delony?

  If it is true. Well, she needs to know for medical reasons, for all, like her kids need, like she needs to know for all sorts of reasons.

• 43:29Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 43:31Speaker 03

  I didn't think you were gonna tell me that.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  I thought you were gonna tell me just how to put it in a little compartment and, and stow it away. But um, at my age, my hard drive's pretty full. Like I just don't know if there's room for this.

• 43:46Dr. John Delony?

  There's a, secrets take a biological toll on a person and on relationships.

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  To put it crassly, secrets will kill you.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:58Dr. John Delony?

  And that's why I'm just not a huge fan of them.

• 44:02Dr. John Delony?

  I'm a huge fan of confidentiality. I'm a huge fan of privacy, huge, huge fan of confidentiality and privacy. Right? People fly in and stay with me and nobody ever knows they were there. Right? But I have a rule. When you come to my house, no phones, no cameras, no social media, no nothing. If you wanna come to my house and you actually wanna work on getting better and I can sit with you and maybe just give you a place to put your head down. Awesome. Great. That's, that's the best. No one will ever know you're here. That's different than I'm gonna keep your dirty secrets.

• 44:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna be a co-conspirator in dishonesty and deceit. I'm not gonna do that.

• 44:41Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 44:43Dr. John Delony?

  See the difference? If your dad, if your dad had said, your mom used to cheat on me all the time and it broke my heart, maybe you don't pass that along. That may be a private conversation between you and your dad.

• 44:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:56Dr. John Delony?

  But then he pulled the pin on a second bomb and, and a second grenade and it was, and I don't think your sister's even my biological daughter. You know when she's gonna find that out? When the will is read.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  Oh, good Lord. He would never do that.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, really?

• 45:12Speaker 03

  Well, I, no.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  Would you have thought 30 days ago that he would pull you aside and say, I don't think, no, see?

• 45:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I don't know what the intent was there. I should have asked, but I was just, I was.

• 45:25Dr. John Delony?

  He's 90 years old, Jennifer.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  In shock.

• 45:27Dr. John Delony?

  He's 90 years old. Yeah.

• 45:30Dr. John Delony?

  I wouldn't spend one second on I should haves because that's such a shock. You know what I mean? And if, if, if, if I had asked you six months ago, is there a chance that your mom just ran around on your dad all the time? You would've said, no, there's no chance of that.

• 45:46Speaker 03

  Well, there were inklings, but yeah.

• 45:49Dr. John Delony?

  You're like, well, that one may be true.

• 45:52Speaker 03

  I, I know it's true.

• 45:54Dr. John Delony?

  What, this whole situation calls in one question. Who are you going to be?

• 46:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:00Dr. John Delony?

  Who are you gonna be when it's easy? Who are you gonna be when it's real hard?

• 46:04Speaker 03

  Yeah. I'm a more keeper of the peace type of person.

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but keeping the peace, like conflict deferred is conflict amplified.

• 46:15Dr. John Delony?

  There's a very real chance you lose your relationship with your sister too. And if she called in and said, hey, my sister knew, my dad disclosed to her that I wasn't his true daughter, that my dad, my biological dad is somewhere out there and I never got to meet him because they lied to me my whole life. And then my sister found out and then I didn't have a chance and my dad, my, my biological dad was actually 91, he was still alive and I didn't get to see him. I would not have nice things to say about you, Jennifer. I just wouldn't.

• 46:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 46:45Speaker 03

  Well, that guy is, that guy is dead.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  So.

• 46:50Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe.

• 46:50Speaker 03

  No, he is. I, I haven't looked him up.

• 46:54Dr. John Delony?

  If it's that guy.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  Oh. Ooh.

• 46:58Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 47:00Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh, boy.

• 47:02Dr. John Delony?

  And here, here's the thing, there's so many variables. There's just one question. Who are you going to be?

• 47:09Dr. John Delony?

  When things are good, when things are hard, when things are ugly, who are you going to be?

• 47:16Dr. John Delony?

  My hope is I'm gonna be a person who tells the truth.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you got put in a really messy situation.

• 47:26Dr. John Delony?

  And it's probably worth not texting, but calling your mom and saying, hey, I messed that up. I shouldn't have bomb texted you. I was so shocked and caught off guard. I'm sorry.

• 47:36Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you shouldn't have lied to me for 50 years. And maybe she'll respond to you and say, there is 0% chance that your sister, my daughter is not your dad's, but who knows? Who knows?

• 47:51Dr. John Delony?

  But my wisdom to you, my advice to you is you gotta have a hard conversation with your sister. And she needs to know, I am anchored into concrete. I will go nowhere because I'm your ride or die. Regardless of who your dad is, I'm right here because you're my sister. You have been for my whole life and you will be for my whole life.

• 48:11Dr. John Delony?

  And you will not go through the discovery process alone because your sister will be right here. Thanks for calling, Jennifer.

• 48:20Dr. John Delony?

  Choose telling the truth. We'll be right back.

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  All right, everyone. Summer is over. I hope you had a great one. I hope you went on a vacation. I hope you took the time to slow down and relax. Cause now we're back to real life. Full overwhelming calendars, kids, school activities, racing around all over. But listen, what if there was a way you could keep that vacation going a little bit every day? There is Cozy Earth. Their bamboo sheets are like the most comfortable hotel bed you've ever slept in, except way more comfortable than that. They're breathable. They're so good at regulating your temperature. No more kicking off the covers at 2:00 AM. And Cozier towels make you feel like you're at the spa, except it's just an ordinary Tuesday. It's at your house.

• 49:08Dr. John Delony?

  My house has Cozy Earth everywhere. They offer a hundred night sleep trial on all of their bedding and a 10-year warranty on all of their products. If you're not completely blown away, you can just return them. But listen, you are gonna be completely blown away and you're not gonna return nothing. You can't stay on a permanent vacation, but you can bring a little bit of vacation home with you every single day. Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code deloney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/deloney. Use code deloney. And don't forget to take their post-purchase survey and let Cozy Earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show.

• 49:50Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

• 49:52Speaker 04

  All right, so this is from Melissa in Spearfish, South Dakota.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  Again? Yep.

• 49:58Speaker 04

  I've actually heard of that one.

• 50:00Dr. John Delony?

  Have you?

• 50:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't know why, but I have.

• 50:03Dr. John Delony?

  Spearfish?

• 50:03Speaker 04

  Spearfish, South Dakota, yeah. I feel like it's, it's...

• 50:07Dr. John Delony?

  I love that name of that town.

• 50:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, I feel like it's kind of one of those that's famous for...

• 50:12Dr. John Delony?

  Get this, spearfishing?

• 50:13Speaker 04

  Spearfishing, probably.

• 50:15Dr. John Delony?

  No way.

• 50:15Speaker 04

  Let me, hold on, I'm gonna go out on a limb.

• 50:17Dr. John Delony?

  I want somebody from Spearfish, South Dakota. Please send me, like, a T-shirt from the local high school. I just want a T-shirt that just says Spearfish across it.

• 50:28Speaker 04

  But they're probably like the Spearfish...

• 50:31Dr. John Delony?

  Marlins, or the...

• 50:32Speaker 04

  They should be, but I hope it's not like the...

• 50:34Dr. John Delony?

  It'll be the Spearfish Mustangs.

• 50:36Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 50:37Dr. John Delony?

  Spearfish Cougars, right, something so off, yeah. All right, so what's up?

• 50:42Speaker 04

  All right, so Melissa writes, "My mom and dad are both retired and graciously agreed to provide childcare for our infant son. Prior to his birth, we discussed expectations around pay and the amount of hours, time of day, and all that stuff that they would watch him. Not much else. Originally, my parents offered to provide childcare for free. We insisted on paying them. They finally agreed to an amount far under market value. Fast forward to present, and our son is five months old. My husband works from home and has noticed that when my mom watches him, she puts in minimal effort and appears that she would rather be on her phone rather than interacting with our son. She's never done anything to put him in danger, and we are not at all concerned about his safety. We realize that them helping us, that they are helping us immensely,

• 51:26Speaker 04

  but I, am I the problem for expecting more from her? Do I have the right to expect more even though they are already doing so much?"

• 51:35Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, boy. Well, I almost spent 24 hours without the internet's getting mad at me, but here we go.

• 51:43Dr. John Delony?

  Um,

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  A, or number one.

• 51:50Dr. John Delony?

  And please jump in here, Kelly, and protect me from myself.

• 51:52Speaker 04

  No, thanks.

• 51:54Dr. John Delony?

  Number one, you have a right to expect quality care for your child.

• 52:03Dr. John Delony?

  Number two, you do not have a right to expect quality care from somebody that you didn't explain what quality, you didn't give them a picture of what quality care looks like. Um, absent neglect and abuse, obviously. Number three, you've created an incredibly messy situation that the only way out is to go directly through the middle of this, and I mean, y'all, y'all, y'all get to decide what is, what's worth it. The discount? Um, the discounted childcare? Having the, uh, your mom just hover around while she scrolls her phone all day? Or

• 52:45Dr. John Delony?

  y'all wanna pay market value for a licensed place where, or just a, um, a local mom. I've got a friend of mine, and she keeps kids, and she's amazing at it. But a local mom who's got a set of guidelines that, I, there's no screens, we're attentive, we're this and this and this. Um, or you sit down and have a hard conversation with your mom and say, "I want some direct connection here."

• 53:09Dr. John Delony?

  And the work from home element adds a whole other layer to this where she may not wanna get involved because actually dad's home, and work from home is a, is a weird situation for aging parents. Anyway, there's a lot there. What do you think, Kelly?

• 53:24Speaker 04

  And again, I may hate, get hate on the internet now, but so be it.

• 53:29Speaker 04

  If you're home with your child at five, and they're five months old.

• 53:34Dr. John Delony?

  You're probably on your phone, too.

• 53:35Speaker 04

  You're probably, or you're doing things around the house. You're not engaged with them, they're five months old.

• 53:42Dr. John Delony?

  Let the hate begin, bring it, internets.

• 53:44Speaker 04

  There's only so much you're doing with a five-month-old.

• 53:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 53:47Speaker 04

  You know, I mean, it's, there's not a lot of interaction at this point. Yes, you down and play with them and, and, you know, making sure that they're getting tummy time and all the things that they're supposed to be doing, but it's not eight hours a day of you interacting. Because if you're staying home with your child, you're also doing a million things around the house, and they're, you know, entertaining themselves, or you're in the bouncy seat, or whatever it is you're doing. So,

• 54:15Speaker 04

  first-time parents, God love them.

• 54:18Speaker 04

  You know? We were talking about that in here, I mean, they're, they're probably still boiling over past fire that hits the ground, you know? And we've all been there. But babies, now, it's different if it's a, to me, if it's a four-year-old or whatever, and it's just they're sitting in front of a screen eight hours a day, and they're not doing anything.

• 54:36Dr. John Delony?

  Or if the five-month-old has a dirty diaper that's been dirty for two hours.

• 54:41Speaker 04

  Right, because mom's sitting on her phone and not paying attention.

• 54:42Dr. John Delony?

  Ten minutes, not paying attention, or the kid's screaming because they're hungry, and mom's just scrolling away. But, yeah, if baby's sleeping, which five-month-old, five-month-olds do a lot of,

• 54:55Dr. John Delony?

  and you haven't said, "Hey, you should do the laundry, too, and also wash the bottles," and not like, that's just about communicating clearly.

• 55:03Dr. John Delony?

  But if, if you have an expectation of care, you either have to be really clear about what that expectation is, or you gotta pay for it. Ta-da.

• 55:11Speaker 04

  There's a reason childcare is very expensive.

• 55:15Dr. John Delony?

  That's a whole other show.

• 55:16Speaker 04

  It is, but I mean, there's a reason that, that there's someone, a professional dedicated to your child and, you know, the other children. And that, you, you expect that level of care of someone that you're paying to do that in that particular setting.

• 55:31Dr. John Delony?

  The, the meta here was, we didn't, we had a picture of what childcare looked like. We did not communicate that picture well, and now we have a problem. The only path through is communicating that picture well. And at this point, just expect that will cause relational challenges. Unless you're aging parents are just

• 55:50Dr. John Delony?

  superhuman. Um, expect that to be a challenge, and they may walk, or they may be like, "Oh, great, cool, got it." Um, or you may be out on the market getting different childcare. Thanks for the call. Bye.